Bad Friends - Teen Mom Bumps Bobby

Episode Date: April 18, 2022

Thank you to our Sponsors: https://babbel.com code: badfriends & https://upstart.com/badfriends & https://meundies.com/badfriends & https://buffy.co code: badfriends YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriends 0:00  More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Andres Rosende & Pete Forthun This podcast episode was sponsored by Candy Crush Sponsorships: on for this episode Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends. Anchor. If you haven't heard about anchor,

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It's everything you need to make a podcast all in one place. Where do we have to go, Bob? Download the free anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome my best buddy, my best little tiny niece.

Look at her. What's wrong with you? She's like a depressed pill bug. I'm scared. Of what? Tomorrow. Oh my god. Because we're going to Austin, Texas. This will have aired already when we've gotten back. Yeah, I know, but we can still express our feelings in our views.

And you know what? You shouldn't be scared. Did your Bobby was panicking in the car? Were you? No, I wasn't. What was I doing in the car? He was like breathing really fast and then he was like we're going to bomb tomorrow. We are going to bomb.

Yeah, we are going to bomb. But that's okay. That's okay. And here's why it's okay. We'll be together. Did I say that in the car? It's going to be you, me, Bob and Fancy. If you were alone on the Titanic by yourself, it'd be scary. So scary. But with us? So fun.

We'll drown together. It'd be kind of fun. We'd make some jokes on the way down. We'd be like I bet you that fat guy's going to float. I know. You and I though, you know what, here's the fight though. We're like in the second deck, the whole boat is submerged. You and me are in the bottom of the boat.

Yeah, the bottom, because we're working there. We just got up to the third deck. But you know how there's always that little gap of air that people try to... You and I will fight for that little tiny gap of air. We'll head but each other. But then we'll end up kissing and we'll survive on each other's breath. Wait, there's us on the boat right there.

That's us. That's us. There's Bobby on the right. What are you? They're not even on there. There's four Asians that died in the Titanic. Wait, was there any Irish people that died on the Titanic? They were the scum on the boat. Have you ever seen the movie Titanic? Yes.

Did you see any Asians in that fucking movie? Those four guys were never represented. We should make another Titanic too. Let's make our version. There's a lot of us that should be in it. There's some ugly Asians there. Is that after they drowned? That looks like after they drowned.

That guy on the right looks like he has barnacles on his face. From the bottom of the boat got stuck to his head on the way down. And the guy next to the guy on the far right... You know what that thing on his head is on the right? A shiitake mushroom. They grow on them now? No, they don't grow, but that's what they use when they do the walk.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy to the left of him looks a little... A little yakuza. You know what I mean? He was already killed somebody. Little yakuza. What's the guy in the second? He's the money guy. That's obviously the money guy. The guy on the far left is actually...

This guy on the far left, he's the most debonair. That was their version of the handsome guy they sent out. That's their James... That's their James Bond. What if that was like the Asian rat pack? This is a show. They were doing a show at the bottom. How would that sound like?

There's a song that they would sing. Well, the rat pack? Sing New York, New York. I don't know the song, that's the problem. I'll just say New York, New York. New York, New York. We never been there, but New York. And then...

Concrete jungle where dreams are made up. Look at this. Start spreading the news. I'm leaving today. Hey, Chang, I think there's water beneath our feet. Keep going, keep going. New York, New York. New York, New York.

Oh, my legs are wet. I don't know why. Maybe you're so nervous you're peeing yourself. You mean? He's poor bastard. Show me the Irish men that died on the boat. These scumbags. They were definitely in the bottom of the... Irish that died on the Titanic.

One guy. That's a whole family. Look at that, there they all go. That's me on the top right. Yeah, it's just so angry. Look at all those open mouth breathers. Look at how dumb these people were. Can you imagine going down?

Do you ever get scared of boats? No, because I can swim. If you're in the middle of the fucking ocean, you can't swim. In a pool, yeah, you can swim. Yeah, but I can just float. Oh, you think you float? You do. Listen, so what you're saying to me right now, Jules,

is that in the Titanic, you're down there, you're the manager of the Rat Pack, the Asian Rat Pack. I probably just died because it's so cold, so it doesn't matter. Bingo! I want to tell you something. Did I talk about this on the show?

Did I watch my favorite documentary? I watched it again, Some Place Like Heaven, about old people in Florida. Amazing. What's it called? A Place Like Heaven. I watched it on the show already. Look at the cover. I think I've seen it before.

The cover of the DVD. Absolutely beautiful. Can I get the cover of the DVD? It's on Hulu. Beautiful. About old people. Yeah, I've seen that. It just reminded me that we're going to die, and we might as well soak it up while we're alive.

Because who knows how long we'll last? I don't think I'm going to end up on one of those like... Retirement communities? Yeah, there's no way. We're going to die together, though. How much fun we would have. We would get kicked out. We would totally get kicked out.

What would we do later? We'd probably do the podcast. We'd do Old Man Podcast. Late from an old conversation. Really old bad friends. We change it. Very old bad friends. There you are right now.

That's us on the podcast. That's me in the background. I'm doing two episodes of Reservation Tones. Why? What's a character called? Dr. Kang. You're that. You're playing another Asian doctor? Yeah, I'm a doctor.

Dr. Kang? Yeah, yeah. Can you believe that they think you could pass for a doctor? He's striking to me. What do you mean? Give me one medical term. Okay, well, your metamorphosis is metastasized. My metamorphosis has metastasized?

Yeah, and the tumor is metastasized and it's metamorphosized into a bigger tumor and we need to really get the scalpel and remove the mass that's inside your colon. Are you in my insurance network? Because I feel like I have to make sure that...

I don't know if you're... That's not believable? Where did you go to medical school? I went to John Hopkins University. Bob Hopkins? Bob Hoskins. You went to Bob Hoskins' disease? Yeah, Bob Hoskins' disease. And we had a football team. The Hodgkin Hawks.

Oh, really? The Hodgkin Strokes. Stroke Hawks. We were in the 2nd division. Which one? Of the Football League. The 2nd division? Of the American National College Football League.

Division 2? Division 2. We call it the 2nd division. Tiffertat. You play in the championship? The DeVry mesmerizers. Oh, because they're mesmerized. They mesmerize you. They just talk you to death.

You know who could pass for a little doctor? You could be a little doctor. Okay, so I'm a patient. Just really focus on the improv here and commit to it. So I'm a doctor and I have... You're a patient. Yeah, I have Lyme disease.

And you have to explain to me what that is. So... Hey, Doc. I'll be the nurse. Doctor. This is Mr. Bob Lee. As we spoke about before, all the vitals seem pretty normal. Except for an unusually

small epididymis. But everything else seems normal. The gentlemen blood results came back that he has, of course, Lyme disease. Would you like to take it from here and tell him what's going on? Hi, Mr. Lee. What's your name? Dr. Kuhn.

Hello. How are you? Good. Good start. How's your day? Well, I have fucking Lyme disease. You don't know that yet. You just said it. To her.

Oh, that's right. But I overheard it. She walked in the room. Oh, that was in the hallway? You're on the table kicking your... Was that in the hallway? Yeah, you're on the table kicking your legs on the... Start over. You don't have to do your monologue again. You come back in.

Come back in, right? Hello? Hi, Mr. Lee. How are you? Your name is? I'm Dr. Kuhn. How are you? I feel great this morning. My little boy, 12 years old, Ramon, got the home run at the softball game

and hit a old lady in the eye. We don't know what's going to happen to her, but he did win a trophy and I'm very excited. Okay. Okay, so you have Lyme disease? Didn't hear a word you said about... Didn't even have knowledge. I didn't even register.

You were like, we could have killed someone. She's like, okay. Okay, so you have Lyme disease. Skipped right over it. Yeah, that's great. Go ahead. You have Lyme disease. You know what that is.

You don't have to be scared. I don't? No. Because it seems like a serious thing. I'll explain it to you. Oh, sorry. My bad. Don't be scared.

Okay. Okay, so it's just a stage three type of skin disease. Lyme disease is a skin disease? Yeah. Okay. What are you asking the nurse? I'm the doctor. I know, but I saw a documentary about Lyme disease.

I also know somebody that has it. It's not a skin thing, but anyway, I might have a version that's... I'm the doctor. Why are you asking? My bad, my bad. Why are you questioning Dr. Coon? I'm not questioning you.

I'm so sorry. Don't be rude. I had no idea that Lyme disease can go on the skin. Right? So that's all. It's like a rash. Well, you get it. It comes through your skin from A.

Right. You get it from a... From A tick. It's exactly right. That's, I know that. That is true. Now, I'm back on board. Okay, but...

I'm back on board, doctor. What you have is stage three. I have a stage three skin Lyme disease. Yeah, which means you're gonna die in six months. Six months isn't bad. Yeah. So tell your son congratulations. Uh-huh.

And... Wait, why is he congratulating his son on his death? Wait, wait, wait. From the trophy. He always says you're gonna be fucked by son though. Oh, no, no, no. But what you saying to me is that there's no treatment? No.

Because, well... Because of stage three? No, because... How many stages are there, doctor? Yeah. I'm still in medical school, I don't know. Yeah. Stage four.

There's... There's four stages. Stage one, two, three, four. So four, you just die immediately. There's a cure. There's a cure. In stage three, you die in six months. What does stage four do?

What does stage four do? An hour and a half. Yeah. Yeah. You get like an hour and a half. There's a cure though. What is it? There's a cure, but because you have...

You're Asian. Uh-huh. Oh, no. Oh, no. Here it goes. Here it goes. Here's the racism. It goes to racism.

I grew there was racism involved in this. What happens? Because... Because I'm Asian. What happens? What's the color of the lime? A lime is green. Green?

Yeah. But... She's done a lime was yellow. Yeah. She legitimately... Let her follow through. I know. Let her follow through.

It's not bad. It's still good. A lime is green. But aren't there yellow? Aren't there yellow limes? They're yellow lemons. Let me tell you something. You're going to be green with envy when everyone else is alive and you're dead.

That's what's going on. I'm just saying that there's no cure for... Yeah, but what does the lime and the green have anything to do with it? Because you just mentioned it. He's about to cry again, Doc. We just mentioned it. I'm just saying because you have yellow skin. I have yellow skin and...

It might be the same as the lime. Although lime is a green... There's like yellow limes. Oh, they're yellow. I didn't know. Because you're so similar. Can we have our assistant look up? Is there yellow limes?

Are there yellow limes? Google it, please. Just in case. Because if that's true, then... See? There are. See? Wow, the doctor's really excitable.

I mean, you don't have to be a bully about your education. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't know. I know I'm aware, but please don't shame me because I didn't know. I just learned something new. Plus, he's dying in six months. Yeah. So, since I have yellow skin and I didn't know that the fruit lime had anything to do with it.

Because I thought lime was disease was spelled L-Y-M-E. Me too, actually. Yeah, yeah. And not L-I-M-E. Well, it sounds the same, so it's fine. Okay. Okay. That logic.

Valid. So, there's nothing I can do because I have the same color of skin as a fucking lime. Yeah. Now, doctor, since I'm in medical school, I'm just curious. If I got it, being an orange person, would I survive? Yeah. I think so. Okay.

But if he had orange disease... I don't know. If I had orange... Orange? Yeah, orange disease. Orange disease. Right, that he would die, right? Hey, if you're going to die in six months for real, what is your six months like?

Oh, shit, that'd be tough, man. You want the real answer? Yeah. I'd probably have to, like, really get my life in order. What do you mean by that? I would go to my accountant's house of an office in Marina Del Rey. His house is his office, but go ahead. That's true.

I do know that because... I know you do. I know you do. Okay. So I would go to his house then. You fucking asshole. And he's a legit guy. And I would just sit there and go, let's just look at all my finances.

I have to do a living will here. Oh. Yeah. So who gets what is the real question? And who does get what? I would go 50-50 with the house with Kalyla and my brother. They split the house? Yeah.

They want to sell it or... But she's in it. So then he's not living. He's got to move in with her now? No. I'm just saying that he's half owner. He could... Okay.

You know what I mean? My brother would get my car. Yeah. My new car. My new car. Yeah. I would also split my money, probably 60-40, my mom and my brother. But your mom, does she need your money?

She's fine. She's not gonna... I can't die and then my mom being, okay, what do I get? Nothing because you're old. True what she is. I know. But I gotta give her something. Well, you would just lie.

Be like, no, no. The accountant's gonna take care of you. But then by the time... You're dead and she doesn't know any better. All right. So my brother probably. Yeah, your brother. And Jules, you would probably get some shoes.

A little bit of shoes. Yeah, yeah. A couple of golden geese. A couple of shoes. What else do... What would you want that I have that if I died? What would you want? Be real.

Your PS5. Your PS5. That's a big one. Fuck, man. You gotta give her that one. You got my PS5. Or you could take that one with you. You know, people do get buried with stuff now.

Yeah, I want things buried. So... Yeah. I want a cat and a dog. So a live one? Yeah. They die with you? They could eat my corpse.

Yeah, that makes sense. I don't want it also from out of the hide. I don't want any of that. I want to be organic. So you want to be in one of those body suits? When I'm... Yeah. I want open casket but organic.

Mmm. Right? So nothing's preserved. Right? I want to see who I really have become. Rotting away? Yes. All right.

So I just want chunks of skin, like, you know what I mean? Yeah. And just... And I want people... Everyone has to look. Oh, right. And it says must look as you walk in. You must look.

Check this out. Check this out. A big arrow pointing down. And I'm going to have... Who's a big guy that we know? Like famous? Yeah. It's a guy to be able to direct people's heads into the...

Oh, strong. Yeah. If they look away. I know who. That big dude that works at the store. You know the guy that... The grizzly big bear. What's his name?

Who? Big K1. You know there's a big grizzly dude. What's his name? Merv? Yeah. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So but Merv is a big guy, right? Big guy, yeah. And maybe Guam. You know Guam at the store. You know Guam made out with Paul Abdull? Do you not know this story? I feel like this is his story to tell but he's not going to be on the show to be able to tell it.

But for people... Why? Why can't he be? Why can't Guam be on the show? I get it. You know why. Yeah. Anyway.

Because he's a young lady present. Yeah, yeah. Why? None of your business, pal. None of your business. No, Guam is a guy that works at the store. He's a great dude. Comic.

He's from literally Guam. I love him. He's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This has happened. I can't believe you don't know this story. Like a week and a half ago, Paul Abdull shows up to the comedy store, wasted. And I mean wasted.

And she shows up with like three different girls. And Guam is the only person up at the front. And he's like, hey ladies, are you, do you guys, are you coming into the show? Does Guam represent, I mean not represent, recognize Paul Abdull? Of course. Immediately. But that's why he was like, what are they doing out on the sidewalk? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like they were just hanging out drunk. Yeah. And he's like, are you guys coming into the show? Uh-huh. And she's like, we want to watch comedy, but you know, like where should we go? And he's like, let me take care of you. So he walks around to the back. I wish we could call him.

I don't have his number. He'll tell you this whole story. Walks him around to the back. Okay. Gets them a booth. Gets a joke, makes a joke and says, what do we want for breakfast tomorrow? Like as if they're all going to have a sleepover. And she's lovely.

Very funny. Dude, she laughs, grabs his arm and pulls him close and is laughing, cracking up, loving it. Okay. I don't know if that's, is that funny, but. Let me tell you something. Okay. He sits them down.

He goes, let me get you guys around to drinks. Get them around to drinks. Great move. Dude, get them around to drinks. Get ready. You always give the alcoholic more alcohol. He puts the drinks down and she kisses him right in the mouth. But not make out.

He kisses him on the lips, but get ready. Yeah. Then he thinks she must be just goofing around. Yeah. Walks away. Yeah. Then when he comes back, yeah, there, she wants him around all the time. She's like, take me out here.

Guamas is scording Paul Abdull around the comedy store and look at me in the face when I say this, kissed him no less than 10 times. There are multiple witnesses, multiple witnesses. Come kissing. Kiss all over the place. Just kissing, kissing, kissing, kissing. That's insane. Get ready.

It gets even better. Okay. By the end of the night, they're ready to go and she's getting in a car or whatever. He's flirting with her even more because now he's like shooting a shot. Yeah. And he's like, well, let me just get your number. She gives him her number. I am not making this up.

And he kisses her again in the car and all her friends are like, ooh, and he's been texting with Paul Abdull. Okay. Can I say something? This is 100% a true story. All right. And nothing against Guam. I really like him.

Yeah. How can we call him? Yeah. I really like him, right? Yeah. But it's like a story. You know, Kay Blanchett, she met with a homeless person. Hey, Andrew, for most of us, learning a second language in high school or college wasn't exactly

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information provided in your loan application. Upstart.com slash badfriends. Bad friends. I mean, it's not that much of a... He's a lovable dude. He's a lovable dude. Very funny, right? He shot it.

But that's how shocking it is to me. He's been texting with Paul Abdull. Do you know Charlie Hill? No. Who is that? So Charlie Hill was the only Native American stand-up comic, right? So there he is. Is he the guy that cried in the trash commercial?

No. Bro, bro, bro, yes. If anyone... People listening are too young, right? Well, show a kilt clip of that. In the 70s, it was it? They did like a don't litter commercial. Right.

So it was a commercial... You'd be watching cartoons and then all of a sudden you'd see a Native American man in On A Horse. There he is. You know what I mean? On a cliff, right? And he would see trash. Well, cars would drive by and they would throw trash.

Look at there. He's in a canoe. He's canoeing down the LA River there after a strong rain. And look at all that trash. Pan out. Look at all the boats and the oil and all the destruction that the white man has done. That's all of it right there. And I agree with all that, by the way.

Look at that. Mucking it up. He can't even get to the shore. Oh my God. There's trash at the shore. Trash at the shore. Trags up his canoe. Right.

Yeah. Yeah. That's me. I've done that before. I've literally done that before. I don't know. One. One tier.

One tier. Now imagine that guy. Keep America Beautiful. The Caborg. I've done that before. I've literally done that before. I don't know. One.

One tier. One tier. Now imagine that guy. Keep America Beautiful. The Caborg. Imagine that guy now looking at L.A. now. He would just be. He would just not one tier.

He would just be in a trauma. By the way, can we go back and show real fast the amount of trash inside of that fucking bag? Who throws away that? Look at how much fucking trash. Look at. Yeah. That's insane.

Look at all that. Yeah. Why do you put a pumpkin inside? A plastic bag. Yeah. Yeah. That's literally a pumpkin in there. That's such a comical amount of trash.

I just say this too with this bullshit editing, right? It is bad because the bag is empty. He threw out a bag that was obviously empty and then they throw down a gigantic. So this is propaganda once again. Empty bag. Nothing in there. There's no orange. There's nothing in there, right?

And then now cut to editing. Full. Huge. Fucking bullshit. entire bag. I think there's a dragon's head. Yeah. It's insane.

That's insane. You don't know that. No. That was a big deal. And also, by the way, it worked. It worked because it made people feel bad and I think that was probably part of the inspiration for now. The littering finds are huge when you litter.

So Charlie Hill, right? God bless Charlie Hill. That dude made love to the original Wonder Woman. Oh, what's her name? Linda Carter? Is that right? Yeah. Linda Carter.

That's a sad thing. That's right. Okay. So rich made love to Linda Carter. Not rich. Charlie Hill. Yeah. Charlie Hunnam.

Charlie Hill was a standup comic. Grant Hill. Okay. And his opening was, hey, how are you? Hey, how are you? Fuck off. That's what I got. That was his opening.

But he made love to Wonder Woman? Yeah. Would they date it or was it just a hookup? Because this is honestly, dude, back in the 70s, right? Comedy was so hot, right? Yeah. And you remember the comedy store you could make. I'm not kidding you.

If you did just the comedy store alone and you played Westwood, Hollywood, San Diego and Vegas in just a year, you could make $250,000 a year. Fuck you. Yeah. In the 70s, if you were doing standup. That's like $10 million. I know. That's how hot comedy was.

And if you just did standup on like a Tuesday night, they just threw pussy at you. Jesus. You know what I mean? And he was the only Native American and probably in court. She probably watched that fucking commercial with the fucking Native American crying. And he was really good looking that guy, by the way. Yeah. Who?

That fucking Charlie Hill. Charlie Hill. Yeah. He's a good looking guy. One of the nicest guys in the world. I get that she would want to hook up with him. It's no wonder she would want to hook up with him. Look at that guy.

Beautiful head of hair, great body. Yeah, back then. Look at him. Right? Rudy says he's hot. Yeah. That's a hot guy. I like his hair.

You like his long, wavy hair. Yeah. Hey, how are you? I mean, that's so funny. It's like, because I knew him when I started. He was around stuff. Oh my god, one of the nicest guys in the world, man. Is he alive?

Is he gone? No, when he died maybe four or five years ago, and right before he died. Uh-oh. What? Well, what are you laughing? I came and visited him. Where? At the hospital in Scripps.

Oh, he on? Yeah, and I had a bag full of trash. And I just, just dumped it on his face. I didn't bet he just started slowly crying. I just dumped it on his body. Bobby, please, no. No, I didn't do that. By the way, you're going to get canceled off of the Reservation Dog show now.

Why? We made some Native American jokes. I didn't make any. I'm, we're kidding. Yeah, I didn't make any. Are you excited to go do that show? In Oklahoma, no less. They shoot on a res, huh?

Yeah, what's amazing about that show is is that. Kirk Fox. Yeah, Kirk's on it. Bill Burr's on it. Burr's on it? Yeah. Oh, fuck. That's great.

Mark Marin's on it. Mark's on it? Yeah. Yeah. What's great about it is that it's the, all the whole writing staff is Native. Everyone. Yeah. The director is Native.

Good. The showrunners are Native. Good. Yeah. Well, it's about Native culture. Yeah. And I'm glad that they hired a Korean guy. You're literally, you're literally, well, the reason why they did is because, um, you

know, Sterling the showrunner, um, he grew up on the Reservations. And for some reason, all the doctors are Korean. Really? Yeah. Why are the Korean doctors on the Res? I don't know why. Maybe Koreans are lazier than the Chinese doctors. I don't know what it is.

Well, I mean, there's Mahjong there. Yeah. You guys love gambling. We do. Yeah. You love gambling. Yeah. Which Asian culture loves gambling the most?

Chinese, right? Yeah, the Chinese love it. And they're good at it. They're pretty good at it. Because I go to the casino and I see them, they're fucking high rolling big money, the Chinese. Yeah. I just don't like the, um, the Chinese dealers.

Why? They're just so arrogant. The attitude? When they win? Well, they also fucking... They win. They win. How would they win?

They love to watch you lose. Right in your face. Yeah. Yeah. I don't like it. They love to take your fucking money whenever you lose. And they always go, oh. Yeah.

Yeah. Too bad. Too bad. Too bad. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But, um, do you gamble good? You know, honestly, every time we play a casino, I still can't get over looking at Carlos with hair. Did you not say anything to his new hair? You saw it last night. Oh, you saw it. Did it glue it to your head? It's glued.

I have to put, like, a solvent on it. It's a whole thing. That's glued to your scalp? Yeah. It was, like, a professional. It's going to stay on for two weeks. Oh, my God. But I'm taking it off tonight.

Why? Because I'm going to Texas tomorrow. I don't want to... I think it looks good. Honestly, because you're doing the... Are you going to be on stage with us? I mean, no. I'm just going to take pictures and stuff.

Right, right. I think it'd be cool that you would have that because they would be like... Because they know who you are, some people, because you do trash twos as well. So it's like, I think it'd be funny just to have the fucking toupee. I like it without the hair. You do? I feel like women like me natural and all the guys are like, keep the hair. Yeah.

What do you think? I mean, well, first of all, I did know it was glued to your head. I thought you could have just take it off. Are you going to... Just... Would you style it? Can you style it? I can't...

They... I could go get a haircut or something like that. Yeah. I think it looks good, though, don't you? I mean, I... I feel like... I don't believe Bobby. No, I feel like...

No, I feel like... Because I've known you for a very long time, okay? And whatever, your head's great. You know what I mean? Thank you. Well, I can't believe that it looks realistic. I don't know if it does. Really?

Yeah, because... No, it's because you were so used to looking at it, right? But if, like, somebody didn't know you, you wouldn't know that that was a toupee, would you? He just looks more like a creep. Oh, man. Really? And that balding fucking in-cell look that he had before is fine?

Let me see. Pull it back and let's see what it looks like. Oh, that looks weird. That doesn't look natural. And it's glue. Yeah, it's glue. Yeah, yeah. Like, if I ripped it off...

Yeah, I think, like, the hair I had would, like, be ripped off with it. Yeah. Mm. I think that's what I would do, though, if I was balding. What? Just do that vibe. I like that. Because you could change it around.

You could do that. But, I mean, the glue part, that's like... You have to rip it off your fucking head? Yeah, well, I have to get a Q-tip, put solvent at the end, and then slowly, like, put it into my head and then take it off, like, peel it off slowly. Oh, fuck that. Yeah, it's gonna be a long night. I want to share something with you that happened to me today in therapy.

I'd like to share something with you that happened to me, as well. Go share first, then. No, I'd love you to share first. Please share first. Please go ahead. I will. Thank you. Mm-hmm.

Next time I say I want to share something, don't double down and say you're gonna share something. Okay. That's what I... Is that what you learned in therapy? That's what I learned in therapy. Sounds like you're really... It's really hitting strides.

So, I have really deep... You know, I have the OCD thing and the obsessive compulsive thing. Mm-hmm. So, what I've been doing is... You know, I used to, like, touch doorknobs three times, touch Kalyla three times, you know, with my feet, you know, turn around in the movie theater, you know, you know all my little things. Yeah, your tics.

Cracks and kicks and this and that, right? So, over the last three months, I've just weeded that out of my life. So, if I touch a doorknob, right, I just go, don't touch it again. You leave it alone. Yeah. And it passes the feeling. Really? Yeah.

And now it doesn't happen. Did you think if you didn't touch it, someone would die? You know, that's a common thing. People think, like, something bad is going to happen. Something worse. What? Die slowly. Me.

Oh, you would... Yeah. I'm disease. Oh, from six months. The skin kind. Yeah. Stage three, I imagine. Yeah.

Yeah. Dr. Kuhn. This is something... Yeah, Dr. Kuhn told me. But, um, yeah, I... Something dreadful. Something bad is going to happen if I don't do this. Right.

And if I do do it, something good is going to happen. Right. Like, the world will be good again. Yeah. Or, you know, I'll get... Like, you're the butterfly effect. Yeah. I'll get a Marvel movie.

Well, we know that's not... Yeah. Anyway, so, um, she's helped me audition for, like, three Marvel movies. I'd never get them. Never get a callback. Anyway, let's move on. Um... You're in Borderlands as a huge movie.

Yeah. I mean, that's huge. Is it not? It might be. But that's like a... Isn't that from the world of, uh... It's not... It's a... It was a comic book, though.

It's a video game. Oh, I thought it was a comic book. Yeah. Anyway, so... But what is... What my OCD has turned into is something very weird. What? It's, um...

If you look at my drawers in the kitchen, and she's... She didn't see in the boxes. I literally have, um... Like, if you work... Like, I have more sunflower seeds than you would see at a Walmart or something. But you're filling your drawers with sunflower seeds? Not just filling them. I have, like, store boxes.

Why? I'm obsessed with it. Are you chewing them all day long? Yeah. And so at night... Are you spitting them out? Or are you chewing them whole? Yeah, so I have jars next to my bed.

Mm-hmm. Right? And I fill them with sunflower... But the thing is, there's so much salt in it... Yeah. That it hurts my neck, so I can't sleep. And I wake up super sick. I feel sick.

Are you eating enough sunflower seeds to hurt your neck? Yeah. Like, I don't even think that... I think if we called them, they'd be like, we've never heard of that before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, because you know I had a glue thing. I know, but glue, you weren't eating glue. I know, but I was still obsessively doing it.

So it's the same version of why I'm doing it. Can we get you back on glue? No. I'm trying to weed out all that. Because they're all... But it sounds like you're supplementing one thing for another thing. That's exactly what I'm doing. Right?

So... That's exactly what... It... Yeah, yeah. They're very healthy. They've got... Look at that. Rich in nutrients, sunflower seeds, relatively high in calories.

You said the downsides. Oh. Sprouted seeds, stool blockages. Oh, have you been able to poop? No. When was the last time you pooped? Days. You haven't pooped in days?

Yeah. Well, let's get you a stool softener. Like, in fact, I was at the internet... Oh, first of all, I went to the internet last night. I have a couple of qualms. Well, there's a stool softener right there. Yeah, yeah. I have a couple of qualms.

Okay. Go ahead. I think that have happened. A couple of qualms. Yeah. Paula Abdul's qualm. Yeah, you're right, a couple of qualms. Okay.

Number one, I went to the internet and my number was 27, right? And they called number 90. Yeah. I fucking hate when they do that shit. And I'm sitting with it. I'm at 27 already because I heard one, you know what I mean? Maybe 30 minutes ago. 24?

Yeah, yeah. Now it's 90. 486? Yeah. I fucking hate that. So I walk up to them and it's also at internet. If you're not from California, you don't have an internet out there. They have two things, a single hamburger or a double hamburger or fries.

There's no onion ring. That's all they have. Yeah. That's what they're making. Right? So it's like, I'm like, hey, I finally went up there to have the courage, you know, I had the courage to do it. The balls.

Yeah. Then I go, you're at 90 and I'm 27. I just got a double cheeseburger, right? And they're like, it's coming. Meanwhile, 90 is the same thing as what I got. Just take 90. So I go, can I get 90? They're no.

And then they talk to the manager, oh, we got to remake it. We don't know what happened. You didn't make it in the first place. It got to 109 and I finally got it. 27 was sitting that long. You got passed by everybody. Yes. I was there for an hour.

Okay. So that's my number one qualm. So wait, do you have something to say to In-N-Out? Go ahead and say it to your camera and tell them. I'm just saying, you know, listen, you don't make a lot of shit. So if, how about this? After 20 numbers pass, right? If I'm, you know what I mean, the guy waiting, I should just be able to grab the next thing

that comes up. Whatever's there. Yeah. In fact, I think In-N-Out, if they wanted to make it more efficient because they just make burgers and fries, they should just keep making them and people just come up and grab whatever they need. Just pay and grab what you need. But you need a ticket.

Why? Because at some point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just pay, grab what you need. I know what to do. That's good. Pay and grab it and go. What you do is...

Charge one whole, one round number, 20 bucks because you can never eat $20 of In-N-Out on your own. You, to get in the building, you have to pay $20. And then have as much as you want. And then you can get anything you want. That's amazing. Yeah, but it would be a free for all because all of a sudden some fat guy comes in, it's a free for all.

Yeah, but let him, but by the way. Oh, we would stand back. We'd have a fat section. Oh, there's division. No, but I think they should, In-N-Out should really, what if you did 20 bucks? Because what is an average meal In-N-Out? $8? $12.

$10? Yeah. So 20 bucks is way more than you would spend. But I'd pay 20 bucks just to just be able to grab stuff and go. That'd be great. Wow. Yeah. But people would fight over like, one comes and they'll, you bet you, what happens if,

if I touch it first? If I touch it first. There's a bouncer at the door. And we're only letting in so many people at a time. So it's not chaos. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You regulate how many people get in. Right.

Is this good, Rudy? Yeah. You do that, right? Can I be like one of the securities, and if they don't follow, I can just. Hurt them? Yeah. You better believe it. You better believe it.

Put the knives as well. You're good at knife play. Here's my second qualm. And I don't know. I'm not going to name the person. Please. All right. I can't.

Please. I was at the improv last night. It's a comedy club in Hollywood. You were at the store before, right? Didn't I see you? I didn't have a spot at the store. Oh. Yeah.

Two nights ago. Yeah. Wow. Okay. The woman before me, who's a friend, did 40 minutes, she was supposed to do 15. I know who it was. And I went up to the manager, who I love. By the way, if you go to the improv, you go down the hallway, there's two pretty good

photos of me and Andrew side by side. They put us together. It actually warmed my fucking heart. Right in the hallway, we're together. Yeah. And you know, when I first moved to LA and I went to the improv, they wouldn't even let me in that club. Same.

It was so cool to see in the main hallway our photo. I know. I love it. It's great. So wait a minute. So you knew this person was dropping in or no? She was on the lineup. Oh, she was?

Yes. Wow. Right. So I walked up to the manager and I just, and I'm trying to see here's this deal. I'm trying to be cool, mindful and grown up about situations because before I would have made a stink. You would have freaked the fuck out. I would have freaked the fuck out.

But now I'm going, calm down. Let's do this just like as a normal human being. Sure. Right. No revenge. I love revenge. Koreans love revenge. I know, but you're also storing it up a little bit.

No. I walked up to the... You let this go. No. I went to read and I go, hello? She says, hi. I go, what is the... When can I leave?

How long? I mean, how long do you wait until a comic goes or I can't wait any longer? I think, okay, look, the spots are 15 minutes. Yes. I think if you've done two spots, if you've done 30 minutes, I'm going to go home. Right. I'm going to go home and you waited 40 minutes. Yeah.

That's a long time. Like 35 minutes. Yeah. I think 30 is the cutoff. If you double the spot, then I'm going to leave. Right. And she's like, please don't go. Right.

And so I stayed. You're very sweet. Right. But then this is what I did. And I don't know if this is healthy or not, right? My guess is no, me on these, I love me on these. It's the only underwear I wear guys. It's what I'm wearing right now under my jeans.

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The best thing that you've ever done for me. The only right thing I've ever done in our history of our friendship. You gave me a Buffy Comforter and it's the one that we use. I know. That's the one I make love with and I sleep in. What? That's right. I wish you would make love to me.

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It does so many of these things and also it's the best and I'm dead serious. Bob and I both really love it. And it's softer than down, man. While keeping approximately 50 bottles out of landfills and oceans. Oh yeah. It's good. The average down comforter harms 12 geese. Oh, but the Buffy comforter is cruelty free.

Hey, you can try a comforter in your own bed for free. If you don't love it, return it at no cost whatsoever, Bob. Tell them where to go to get it. Oh, for $20 off your Buffy comforter, visit Buffy.co and enter Bad Friends. That's right. For $20 off your Buffy comforter, visit Buffy.co and enter the code Bad Friends. You can tell on stage, even though it was getting laughs, right? I would, you know what I mean?

I would go back and talk about it. Make fun of the person. And make fun of the person. Yeah, I think that's all fair. But in a hostile kind of way, which was getting laughs. Like what would you say? She was doing a thing where she was trying to improvise on stage, right? So she was, you know, walking up to everyone in the audience and going, what's your sign?

What's your... Oh, your astrological sign. And so when we go Pisces and she would make the way they make fun of the way they would say it. And so when I went up on stage, every once in a while, in between jokes, I would go, what's your sign to people? Oh, that's funny. No, I think that's funny.

And then just look at the crowd like, like, what? So if somebody was like Aquarius, what do you say? No, they wouldn't. I would say, what's your sign? They would get automatically a laugh because they know what I was making fun of. Was that person still in the room? No, she had gone. Of course she did.

Right, right. Yeah. So they don't even know you did it and it's just funny. And I think that's harmless. Well, now they know because I said it on this podcast. That person doesn't listen to this podcast. That is true. Bet my fucking bank account.

Bet my life. No. But so what I'm asking you, right, is what is the healthiest thing to do in that situation? See, I think you handled it right. You waited. You spoke to the manager. That was mature. Yeah.

You didn't freak out. And you said, hey, is it like, I kind of want to leave. Yeah. Because this is not okay and that's healthy. And then when you got on stage, light ribbing in our world, I think is fucking totally kosher. I think that's okay. Yeah. You weren't being rude or mean.

Yeah. You were, you know what? It's an homage. You were just tipping the hat like, hey, remember that joke? That's, I'm doing that too because obviously I don't know anything about signs. Well, in the beginning I was just like, one more time for a one hour special. Funny. Got to laugh, right?

Funny. The thing, you know what I mean? But in my heart, I was just like, you're just really kind of angry and kind of resentful. Okay. I'll tell you this. And it's coming out in a weird way. It doesn't sound angry. Does that sound angry to you?

No. If a comic goes too much time and you don't know a lot about this, but if you're an audience member and you see a comic do a lot of time, you know, it's more than the other kind. She doesn't know the difference. No. Listen, a comic does more than the other... She needs comedy clubs. Let me try it.

Okay. A comic does more time than the other ones. And you're like, wow, this is a lot longer. And then the next comic that gets on makes a few jokes about how long it was. Is that... Are you going to be like, why would he do that? Are you going to go, that's funny? If it's funny?

I would laugh. Yeah, you'd laugh. Okay. She's a good barometer for almost everything. Have you done that? Made fun of the... The only time I've ever made fun of the comic before me is when they say something about me.

Oh. Yeah. Because like, I told you, me and Marin do this thing every time he brings me on. Yeah. Every time. You may find me when you bring me on. Yeah, but you're one of my best friends. That's different.

That's true. I know, but it's always sweet. I've never had a case where somebody said something fucked up and then I went up after and said something mean, but I have had something where a comic, I told you this that I had to... Tell me. Well... Because I'm going to tell you another thing.

I think... I'm going to throw a name here. Maybe I've told it. I played the United Center in Chicago with Rogan, and being back in Chicago was big deal. It was huge. Yeah. He was another comedian, and look, he had to go cold, which sucked. He had to open cold.

It was super fucking hard in an arena where they're still seating, and so he was kind of struggling through it. He was trudging. And he was doing a good job to his credit, but it was still hard because they're talking, they're sitting, they're getting beer and popcorn, and it's like fucking... It's an arena. It's nuts. And as he's getting off, they're slowly still settling in and chatting, and I'm like, well,

what the fuck? What am I going to do? I have to do this uphill battle. Fucking terrible. So I made a couple of jokes about him, and they loved it. And he was okay with it? Yeah. Because it wasn't mean?

Yeah. What were the jokes? Just a one-up. I was like... You know. No, I didn't say anything crass, but he took it the right way because I needed to use whatever... I said something about the last thing he said about me to bring me on because I was... It was like I was in a fucking weird spot.

Yeah. Are you family there? Yes. And I felt bad, though. That's always embarrassing. Immediately I was like, fuck, if I don't say anything to piggyback what he said, I'm going to be another guy out there just kind of struggling to get their attention. Right.

Because they were waiting for fucking Rogan. And then afterwards, afterwards, your family has to come. He did fine. Oh, yeah. No, I mean, the elements were against you, but I thought, you know, I hate that. I ended up doing good because of it. So I will say he kind of helped me. He did this thing, like help my foot jump so I could...

Okay. So let me ask you this. This is the problem I had this weekend. I don't think we've talked about it, right? And I'm going to throw a name in it and you don't have to cut it out, right? Because it's not against him, okay? But so I'm at the store and I think you know the problem. Go ahead.

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why did that look? Just go ahead. All right. Well, all right.

So I'm about to go up, you know, at my club that I've started at. It's your home club. Yeah. My home club, right? Yeah. And the manager walks up and she said, you're not going up right now. And I go, okay, why? Perhaps may I say, you know, in the most healthy way, you know what I mean?

Very polite. Yeah. Perhaps may I say, how, why the circumstances? Why? Right? And she says, because disease is going up. Yeah. Right?

Yeah. Let me say something about the disease. Okay. Very funny man. Sure. Mm-hmm. I haven't really talked to him much in my life, but I don't know why. Every time I see him, we hug.

That's nice. It's a nice thing. Yeah, it's nice. You know what I mean? And he's said really, his intros have always been really, like, really cool. That's nice. Really nice. Yeah.

But I go, why? What you, what you would ask? Do I have a say in it? And they go, nope. He just gets to go up before you, right? So the rage comes up. Oh yeah. Right?

And then I have to pull over Mark Marin, because Mark Marin, well, he'll support any kind of rage. Yeah. Yeah. He loves rage. Love. He lives in rage. Love.

Right? And I knew that once I said it, he would go off a little bit, right? So I needed to hear that. Sure. It's support. And he feeds into my, I'm like, yeah, you're right. Like that's what I mean? I shouldn't have done that.

There's boundaries or whatever, right? And so I went to, I wrote a text to the telecrator and see if this is something that was adult like. Okay. Okay. I said, may I have a list of all the comedians that have the power to bump? Yeah. Because two weeks before that, before Chris Rock did, you know, got slapped in the face.

What? I don't know if you know. But, you know, Friday and Saturday, he bumped me twice, which I didn't have a problem with because it's Chris Rock, right? Dave Chappelle, I don't have a problem with it, you know, and Bill Burr, I probably don't have a problem. There's just certain people I don't have a problem with. Yeah.

I think Bill's probably one of them. That's okay. Oh, that's okay. Yeah. Right. Yeah. He's fucking huge. Yeah.

I think because I don't have a relationship with disease. That's what it is. I think that's what it is that I might have. I might have a bad store guy. That's also another thing, you know, and I asked her, I never got the list. I never got the list. We should call her live on the show and ask her. No, I think we should.

She would lose her mind. I know. She would have a panic attack on the phone. I know. My point though is that, don't you think that if all the clubs, I talk to Orney Adams about it. If all the clubs had a list that said, here's people that can bump you. They just, you know, Sarah Silverman, I mean, the list, right?

So when it does happen, you know what I mean? I know I can refer to the list. Refer to the list. Yeah. And I can go, Jimmy Walker is on the list. This can happen. You know what I mean? It's numbered so that when they come up to you, they go, five is bumping you and you

go to the kitchen. Right. You look at all five is. Five is bumping me. Okay. I didn't know five was in town. Yeah. Yeah.

I didn't know Karatop was in town. Yeah. So yeah, he has the ability. My point is, is this, is that I think the comedy clubs should have a list because there are some names, right, that are, um, you're a little on the border. Right. You think Aziz is on the border? No.

Not. He's done. Okay. I want to say this. Here's what it is. Aziz funnier than I am. He's done more in the business and he has more of a prestigious vibe about him. You know what I mean?

Okay. I really believe that. I thought his show on Netflix was amazing. I thought his standup is just more evolved than mine is. I just admit that he beat me up. What's so funny? He's evolved standup. Come on.

Yeah. It's evolved. He does Randy. I know. And then he, all right, George, let's not get on somebody's shit list here. Can you imagine fucking you get a text from Aziz that's like, Hey, what's up with that guy fucking shitting on me with white hat on your show? Yeah.

Yeah. Um, so, you know, what do you think? Look, I, I don't know him. I in fact have never, I don't know anything about him. I genuinely don't. I've never seen him really. Like I know his show. Yeah.

I know he's a comedian. I've never seen his specials. I've never seen that. But I know him super well from parks and you see him everywhere. But I also think he is at a place where you're at a place where that club should not bump you for him. He, I feel like he knows recently did some favors for the club, right? Right.

Like our bad friends Netflix show that we're doing bad friends and friends. I don't even know when we're doing it. For the Netflix, the Netflix is doing a comedy festival in LA and Andrew and I just agreed with it. We didn't want to do it at first. I still don't want to do it. I don't either. Yeah.

But we're doing it. I guess for the club. So I felt like after I fucking did that, right? Then these are. And you don't get bumped. You're on the. At least for one time. On the no bump list.

Yeah. Am I, I'm on the bump list. Would you be on the bump list? I get bumped still. I get. I'm on the bump. Yeah. Being.

There should be another list. Who can get. People that can get. I'm on that list. I'm on that list. I'm getting. I'm 80th though. I don't think I'm in the top.

No, you're not one of the first guys to get bumped. Yeah. Yeah. But you're on the bump list. I definitely on the bump list. And that being said. Yeah. As he's came through and was like, whoa, Bobby.

And then he bumped you. Yeah. He's on the bump list. Yeah. He saw that you're somewhere on it, even though you're at the tail end of it. Yeah. I'm, you know, a clear cut list. I want people listening right now to see if I'm, you know what I mean.

Oh, and do you think Bobby. No, that I'm like maybe exaggerating or acting like a little bitch about it. What are you? Carlos. Carlos is begging. You know, honestly, Carlos. There is one thing Bobby's leaving out of the story. Because I was there with Bobby when this happened.

Oh yeah, that's right. You were there. You were there. Yeah, you were there. You were there. You were there. You were there. You were there.

You were there. And she talked to a Zees that like, they're about to handle the whole situation and Bobby just yells out, No. Okay, well. No, it's changes. Almost your about to piss me off right now. Why because because you continue. Because all right, so you're about to be off right now because she comes up to me.

You were there. Right. And she goes, I'm sorry, but is Zees is going to go up before you? Mhm. Right. Yeah. And I had no option there, right. until and then I started making a stink a little bit wait no I okay go ahead no

this is actually all right go ahead sorry walking in you know what the two people to pay is really adding to your little arrogance here man and you're just memory all right go ahead I'll just say this button one more button just for yeah Aziz walks into the OR and I know Bobby's up next and I look at Bobby to my left and I go like that right before I even turn back around to Bobby yeah he's already in the parking lot pissed because I already know what's gonna happen I know but he's saying you they gave you an out no they didn't that's not true Carlos okay I go to the parking lot after that right because you do this

fucking mime it was it was like let's start this war you're being so on your to pay on last night and when it wasn't no it wasn't and when you when you did this right when I looked at the situation I knew what was about to happen right you just kind of know you have a gut feeling about it right so instead of like you know raging out or just being you know because I am also a kiss-ass so like he was doing this is easy with looking at me I would smile at him hi big fan big fan right I go to the parking lot then Jan comes up to me right and says this is gonna happen right then she walks away right and now

I'm calling in everyone asking for the list yeah yeah you were all about the list yeah I was about the list yeah that because it was I thought it was a clever idea it is yeah I mean I go tada we should have a list we should have a list yeah right and then she comes back and she goes because I feel like you or Esther because Esther was there too went and said something to her because after kept saying she kept saying I'm gonna say something why cuz she was gonna get bumped to she was already had already gone up yeah but she was actually trying to defend my honor or whatever she was she stoned who does she think she is

probably I know I'm gonna say that yeah she I think she did go up and talk to someone yeah so then Jen comes back to me it's like do you want me to go stop this but the the but now imagine this right he is not already told that he's about to go up right now Jen's gonna come back and goes Bobby's making a stink I didn't want that I don't think she would say it that way I think yeah I think it would have just been like regardless I'm trying to think on the spot here baby well can I tell you what you should have done in retrospect okay go ahead for the future yeah when they go about he's gonna go be like he can't

I have to go because I've got enough I've got a thing tonight that I have to go to I don't even I don't have any more time it's like and that's true yeah lie so fuck who gives a shit yeah just go I have to go to a thing or can we can this be a thing just be honest go no I don't feel comfortable with that right because I have a spot at 10 and I'm going up at 10 that's my spot I wanted to be I wanted that to be my spot no it's just the way it is yeah I'm up at 10 and that should be the case you know and now you know you can argue about the validity of like who's more famous who has more power or and all that stuff you know I'm willing

to get into that conversations but wielding power something we're trying to get rid of in Hollywood aren't we yeah so and I also want to defend can I just defend this interesting isn't it I want to defend this too okay when Sebastian Monoscalco calls in he calls in like everyone else he does right and he gets a spot he does with his name on right now there are some comics right that don't want to be advertised but they still want to get a spot so they don't bump people so they go in with a pseudonym right right Mary Jones yeah a different name right and then come on but then some comics decide to just show

up it's interesting yeah it's interesting and do you think Bobby given your meteoric rise that you're having as a comedian and a performer and because I think when you come off of reservation dogs I think don't be sarcastic I'm not I think you're gonna be able to bump and will you bump one day because let's be honest do you think you're gonna bump no you'll never bump George is nodding yes you think I would oh for sure come on look at this bro you think you're not a bumper bro George just really made me mad right now and I'm trying to be mindful give it to him all right you absolutely have no idea what the fuck

you're talking about hit him harder you fucking piece of white scumbag give it to him dude give it to him and lay into the white stuff you Nazi fuck more white stuff right you country redneck piece of fucking I like that turd shipbox more more more more more family it racist bigot yeah big it yeah scumbag yeah you guys are just like living fucking shit box plantation owner plantation people keep going I don't want to know it's enough no that's enough yeah I'm circumcised I'm sorry I see this one right thank you for that double circumcised double you got rid of more skin okay I just you had that much skin

hey fuckface listen to me okay the reason why Sebastian Manos Kalko right calls in for a spot is because him and I grew up in the era of not just bumps but people doing three hours bumping and doing three hours before you yeah right so I witnessed what it does right so I'm extremely sensitive about it all right in fact I've been in shows where I've went to see somebody and somebody went hey can you please go up you know where you're at a club and you're just there to hang out go up right I wouldn't even go up because I don't want to bump anybody have you ever bumped anybody no I haven't so it's weird that you would

even say that I would when there are circumstances where I fucking can't do it and you feel better yeah good would you bump people yeah no but well let me ask you this scenario I you're in La Jolla mm-hmm you're there on a Sunday mm-hmm right what am I doing down there you're there and you're skeet shooting oh you know me I'm big ski yeah and that's a great squeak can be skeet skeet skeet skeet community yeah a during the day yeah the frisbees are going up right pull pull yeah yeah and I'm pulling yeah I'm there with you right and I'm just like I hate this job you know why do I have to do I don't even have the machine shut up Wong and pull yeah you know about we have a podcast anyway

right and then afterwards you're like hey let's work out at the store it's open Mike it's open Mike and I said to you yeah but we didn't call in man we don't want to bump the open Mike's would you or not be honest if you and I were together probably me too yeah only because we're together yeah but that's a different scenario entirely right it's I see I think that's a different scenario entirely case by case yeah it's case by second case case by case yeah yeah what Jay put up that thing I sent to you but yeah let me see this look at this is right so we've done a lot of stand-up talk on the podcast today and let me

show you something okay a new star look at me okay a new star is about to break into stand-up and let me tell you yeah I bet she's gonna be bigger than Bill Burr bigger than Chris Rock bigger than Sebastian bigger than Aziz I can't wait she will be the biggest stand-up comic I'm calling it right now okay okay okay I can't wait let's do this announcement are you a stand-up comedy or an actress comedian come eat a guy I think I would really appreciate my voice and stand up comedy and I'm meeting with how I went out tomorrow you are yeah what do you have a first show um maybe in some of the festivals coming up I'm not gonna let anything I want it to be a surprise I want to have

some fun with everyone I'm really blessed that I can get over my fear of people that I was having and now I can like really tackle that and like overcome it and be on stage so that's like I'm just blessed was that be able to do it do you have a set ready hold on are you just writing it with howie Mandel I'm gonna just keep it very team mom very mom I am a mom like none other yeah it's not too hard for me to have some fun and I have a DD so you know I'm usually like the funny one and people make fun of me so it's just easy going you know I'm happy with it you're gonna maybe a little therapy through your

experiences through comedy is everything that we need that's right what's your new career steps comedic relief is everything we need right now we don't need we don't you know this is my thing Ukrainian Russia who gives a fuck here we need comedic relief oh yeah big fucking deal so this is a woman named Farrah Abraham she was on teen mom she was a teen mom she's notorious also she had a sex tape that went very viral mm with a guy named James Dean right yeah and there are some shots that we didn't need to show yeah we just showed yeah her second open vagina yeah yeah yeah but

anyway she was funny very very funny vagina well that's her that's her big clothes James Dean but James Dean is the name of the guy right I know who he is yeah he he was accused of sexual assault as well right on her yeah on her and other porn stars yeah yeah yeah yeah I think it's kind of par for the course over there in the in that world but not even in working like he would have sex with people off-camera and do weird shit those guys probably think there's cameras all the time you know maybe but anyway she's gonna do stand-up comedy I gotta tell you I'm calling it right now calling it on my show Farrah Abraham

teen mom bigger than any of your favorite comedians right now we'll be selling out arenas my fat words I think we should put her on on our show our Netflix show let's have her do a set friends and friends and have her do a set I'm being real so am I yeah but she has to follow us I think it'd be tough for us to follow her yeah so that's why I don't want to follow her let's have her follow us I want her to close the show because of our insecurity it's not a the lineup is easy it's gonna be me you Trevor Wallace Faheeman Marr Brian Simpson Brian Simpson pretty light show hypothetical Bobby what if you went to the

store next week there let's say two weeks after she had a little time and take it from me okay yeah and Farrah Abraham yeah the manager of the store comes up to you and says Bobby you just got the news oh you're excited like you're cheering around when you die you're howling like a dog so your last days do you know who that is by the way teen mom the girl from teen mom did you ever know that show was an MTV show honestly if I hadn't seen the video and they said Sarah Abraham's gonna bump you I would go Farrah what is her name Farrah Farrah Abraham am I wrong isn't it Farrah Farrah yeah Farrah Abraham's gonna

I honestly I would say in this way she was a teen mom star and she did a sex porn tape with James Dean whatever how many followers you have on Instagram because they because you did say if the comic is more famous than you you do kind of make way for them all right so Farrah Abraham 2.9 million what is it 2.9 million Bobby Bobby you don't even have a million yeah what I would say I don't know man are you know what I would say go ahead go ahead I really want to call Holly Mandel right now call them up and go yeah you're really gonna help her to stand up call them up and let's see see what he says tell me I don't want to

you know I don't be intrusive just go hey we're interested to know what the story is with this girl she said she's meeting with you was it a lie maybe she oh look click on that right there there he is on tiktok talking to her okay let's see what did he say end up comedy before you so you announced you want to go into stand-up comedy I did it for five minutes he wanted to see the reaction so he basically he recorded it and he saw that it was like women standing up cheering me on like men laughing so I was like even if I fail at comedy I could be really good at TED talks so either way it's either stand-up comedy

or a TED talk let's get it I'd rather her to stand up comedy imagine going to TED talk I actually would love to see a TED talk you were you know you were dressed nice you and I at wearing suits to her TED talk yeah yeah we're right we sit there right and she comes up what does she what's the TED talk about what you said this is how you suck dick I mean what is it what is it I mean I will be honest and say she does know a little bit about that I know she does yeah and this is I watch the porn tape did you matter you guys why do you know Carlos saw it without a doubt I didn't see it okay Carlos fuck off yeah

yeah you know George saw it look at him you did didn't you of course yeah I got the internet as soon as you hear something's on the other you want to see it but but but but but what if she does become one of the funniest people no no she will I called it she will be the biggest stand-up comic in our game without a doubt and she and then she deserves it and I by the way I can't wait till she bumps us yeah go ahead go ahead plant all with Farah Abraham tips tricks and acronyms for those with disabilities like ADHD she putting on headphones study law oh she's gonna be a lawyer that was 18 weeks ago though so

she's she probably is no lawyer anymore no it's her degree now she's already got her bar she's passed the bar just started pass the bar now you know I'm not gonna make fun of this girl in this in the law world because I don't know her intellectual level I know she could be very very book smart and good at that however it does seem like kind of a trend that if you make a sex tape like Kim Kardashian you got to study law at some point if you get fucked on camera and it goes viral yeah gotta study some law I think it's a way to let people think that they are smart maybe she is very smart I know but it just seems like

just a reaction like because people get people people go you're dumb you do a sex tape and she's like I'll show you yeah I'll pass the bar yeah but then they'll go to like Amazon get a book Bob's law class yeah yeah yeah yeah that's right off the 101 yeah well you know what the California's bar jam may be largely perceived as the hardest one in the nation some other states may post similar difficulty but Arkansas also has to grew a grueling two-day test would not a predict Arkansas for sure for having a tough one it requires you to know several state and local laws addition to federal one so dude if she

passes the bar here didn't Kardashian pass it here I don't think she's passed yet let's ask ask ask a ask Jeeves we're sponsored by ask Jeeves now has Kim Kardashian pass the bar does the baby bar reality star Kim Kardashian has passed the baby bar required would be California Lars look at that where dad was a lawyer right and her dad was OJ's lawyer yeah I know but that doesn't that's good that's her it's very it's in the jeans baby laws in the jeans law it's in the jeans what it's like I just think that they're they're happy the intellect must be she must I think it's

I also listen okay so like I said Farrah Abraham lawyer and crushing stand-up comedian no what does Farrah Abraham's parents do this little dad was a stand-up no yeah GB Abraham Bobby Abraham Bobby Abraham yeah famous yeah what does Farrah's mom Deborah Dennett Danielson do she's a telecom consultant with a company in Nebraska pretty good and the dad works for an infrastructure solutions and security solutions I bet you could pass the fucking bar you could also yeah okay right and you know what transfers well

in comedy what intelligence she's smart she's gonna kill in comedy all right mark my fucking words pal okay but I would like to say make a bet for you let's make a bet I'll give her a five-year window five years yeah that she becomes a regular at any club she's not gonna do it in five years she's gonna get in for a year kill and leave on top or so what you're saying is is that within a year right at the improv laugh actor comedy show she will be a bonafide regular you name it all right so one year a thousand dollars thousand dollars she'll be the biggest name on all the lineups okay killing it all right you guys on and

I'll be texting you Bob do you want to go watch Farrah's new 10 she's got a tight 10 and you'll be rolling up to the store to watch what do you think Rudy Jules am I right on the money and is she like Ali Wong her comedy or is it just what stop we absorb it because that's the craziest thing I've ever heard you know why yeah because stop funny no she's very far Abraham is up when I say a thousand times funnier than Ali Wong will ever be fair Abraham in my mind is already a fucking shooting star can we see your comedy you're not ready for it let me say this yeah I love Ali good friend of mine phenomenal joke writer

couldn't touch fair Abraham couldn't even come close and you know it's true I think I'll be I'm a believer now because you said I converted you I just lost at the Grand Grand's gone baby Venmo me please all right look we had so much fun in Austin I had a great time in Dallas thank you guys for coming out and seeing us but check out our show at the main room at the comedy so we're gonna do a show at the main room at the comedy store do we know the date we got to figure that out sometimes are you doing another show with Netflix no that's it I'm doing May 7th downtown the Palace Theater May 7th I'm doing my new well

I'm doing an hour downtown May 7th in LA so if you're in LA and you don't come thanks a lot is how I feel and if this works this weekend and you do well we're hitting the road do well yeah mm-hmm we're hitting the road in the fall we're gonna be hitting the road bad friends tour featuring Rudy Jules what am I gonna do stand up stand up you have you know you're doing time in Austin no yeah I didn't want to tell you but you are you are it's only 1700 people so it's not that big of a deal it's not that big of a deal just 10 minutes what 15 is fine Farrah Abraham wouldn't bad an eye she would do it yeah but I'm not

like her yes you are exactly like her yeah you're exactly like her yeah can I just do one minute three three minutes three is good we'll write it for you we'll write it for you three minutes like we did last time what if they boo they won't they won't they're gonna boo no they're not they're not gonna boo okay it's gonna be completely silent and look even if they do does this hurt your feelings boo yeah I think boo is better than silent okay I'm gonna tell some new jokes I'm brand new to this and if you don't like them just boo me what if what if she's on stage it's so silent right that's just a cry because you can hear

the tear that's how quiet and the tear goes you're gonna be great all right thank the fans and let's get out of here okay thank you for being a bad friend