Bad Friends - The Bad Friends Halloween Spooktacular!

Episode Date: October 26, 2020

Thank you: http://shipstation.com code: badfriends & https://www.joinhoney.com/badfriends & http://bluechew.com code: badfriends & http://buffy.co code: badfriends Subscribe to our YouTube: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube 0:00 Candy Corn Debate 6:31 Frankenstein vs Werewolf vs Vampire pt. 1 13:27 Wild West Asians 18:25 Entitles, Fat, and Stubborn People 24:32 Bobby's Fishing Snub 31:14 Rudy Won't Watch The Cabin on Netflix 34:45 Frankenstein vs Werewolf vs Vampire pt. 2 49:34 The Ouija Board Incident 1:05:49 Born on a Pile of Wigs 1:11:01 Mall Fountain Swimming Pool 1:16:31 Bobby & Andrew Trade Yo Mammas 1:19:09 Rudy's Pumpkin Carving More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com/ More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com/ More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Produced by George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Jenna Sunde, Joe Faria, Andrés Rosende Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Download the free anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started Let's go Every fucking time You're such a fucking brat What do you want? I want her to ask me how I'm feeling and how often do you genuinely ask him how he is you make you make Me sound like I'm the bad guy get closer to the mic. Don't back away. Yeah, you have to get close to the mic So we can hear you. No get closer to the mic get closer to the mic Say get closer to the mic get closer get closer to the mic. Don't go away talking to the mic

Just keep your mouth right where the mic is closer to the mic Get closer to the mic talking to the mic Get closer to the mic Get closer to the mic Get closer to the mic You two are bad friends You two are bad friends Trick-or-treat, trick-or-treat

It is up to trick-or-treat I like to take it, clean it, take it so Trick-or-treat, trick-or-treat No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no So Andrew at your age do you still celebrate Halloween? Look at me I'm 37 I'm dressed up I know, but does it, how do you feel when you do it? I feel good

Really? I love dressing up. I love when the kids coming to my neighborhood. They want candy. I waited last year I handed out 50 bags 50 bags You gotta be kidding me All Mexican kids, too All Mexicans came to my neighborhood. You know, I've never ever bought a bag of candy for Halloween. You don't let kids come trick-or-treat at your door?

I put apples. You're a turd. Put razor blades in it. No, I've never bought any candy. Yeah. Because I've always lived in an apartment, which is... I think that's the reason why I got... Oh, I know, this is my first house.

Yeah. I did it last year for the first time. I never have done it before. Right, but that's why I love living in an apartment because you don't have to do that shit. Now, see, I love it. I was on the third level, right? Tucked away in the corner.

Tucked away in the corner. No one came. This year, we got the house, right? I go, turn off the lights. Turn off all the lights. We're not home. Really? Yeah, and we just sat on the couch until the wee hours of the night.

That's so mean. Why? Because those kids want candy. It's bad. It gives them diabetes. Yeah. Right? It's not healthy for them.

No. Vitamins, maybe. I'll book them vitamins and some zinc, maybe, but... Look who's talking. You smoke and you drink Red Bull. I know. So who cares? I also bought you a...

Okay, you just bought me my favorite candies of all time. Bobby, a tub of candy corn. Candy corn. Candy corn. It's my favorite one. Do you like candy corn, Jules? I've never tried. Oh, give it...

Slide that bucket to me. Yeah. So do you know... You know, these are... This is an American tradition. I fucking hate these things. People like... Can I defend them?

Let me do my case first. What? I hate these. They're disgusting. They're usually old people really like them. Okay. Because they're, like, easy to chew. There's no crunch.

There's no crackle. There's no snapple. There's no pop. You always can find these at an old white person's house here in the United States during this time of year. And they'll be in a glass bowl of a grandma's in a kitchen. And they're there for months after because no one likes this shit. So I want you to try some candy corn.

All right, Jules. What's the verdict? It has a weird taste. Yes, it does. Okay. He loves them. Go ahead and defend them. You psycho.

Weirdos love this. I know. Weirdos. Can I defend them? Yeah. All right. Number one. Perfect size.

Yeah, for you. No, no, no. For the mouth. Well, because you're a limited number of teeth. You can't crunch through candy. I get that. No, no, no, no. They're mashable.

No. Okay. That's rude. Fact. All right. Orange. Like me. I love orange.

Right. I love yellow. Like me. You. Right. I love white people. Look at that. Like you.

Like you. Okay. So I like the colors. And now when I first ate a candy corn. Yeah. When I was a kid. Do you remember? Yeah, I do.

I remember, you know, putting it in my mouth. I was at some old white person's house. My friend Craig's grandfather's house. He had it in a white jar. Yeah. I ate it. I went, wow. I hate it.

Right. And I was like, okay, I'm going to have a little hup sing. Because back then you could say stuff like that. Yeah. You still can. Yeah. Hey little hup sing. Hey noodles.

You don't get it yet. It'll grow on you. And I got, okay. And the one day I realized when I ate it. Because this is after I had probably a variety of thousands of different kinds of candies. Yeah. But this is like, um, it's very simple. Right.

Yeah. It doesn't try to, it doesn't try to deceive you with fancy flavorings. You know what I mean? You know how you, you get like a, um, you know, a Gatorade or Starburst or whatever. They have fancy names. You know what I mean? Yeah. Cool.

Blue. Yeah. Ice glacier. Nichon green. You know what I mean? Nitro green. Lightening. No.

And then you taste it. It's like a weird flavor. This is pure sugar. Yeah. And that at the end of the day is what I want. Just confectionary sugar. A sweet, perfectly shaped, you know what I mean? So it's like a sweet, a Calvin Dutton Ice backpack or whatever.

I love the Marseille ice cream. It's like like, it's like chocolate ice cream. And I can pull it apart in my mouth. I put the cream in, like you have smallrods. The cream really, really, a big państwo. If it's, you just pour it into my mouth. By the way, that's the potato jewelry of Marseille. Let's put some in here.

We love that. I see that! Like a potato. Yeah. Like, like a pro. But the mostra, you got it. on the car right over here of the three big Halloween, like, you know, the movies that they've made, you know, the icons, you have Frankenstein, you have the werewolf man, you

have- The werewolf man? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What movie is that? The werewolf. Which one? John. John the werewolf. I don't know, there's a name?

What werewolf movie are you talking about? Isn't a werewolf- Okay, first of all, there's been Teen Wolf with Michael J. Fox. Yeah, no, not that one. Phenomenal film. Not that one. They didn't, like, court macaw one in it. Werewolves of London? Yeah, something like that, but it is- Werewolves, right, are a thing that people watch.

Sure. And then you have Frankenstein. Yeah. Right? They're also- What about the new generation, like Halloween, Friday the 13th? No, just talk about the three first. The three most famous Halloween movies? No, no.

The icons of old Hollywood. Yeah. Those things. Frank- Vampires. Frankenstein. Frankenstein and the werewolf. Invisible Man is one. The Invisible Man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so these movies are really sticking out to you. You remember these so well. Yeah, the bit that I had is going away from the bit that I had. Well, just do the bit. Right? I think it's like we railroaded into this area. It doesn't matter.

What are the most famous- What are the most famous- This is not what I wanted. Stop doing this. Whatever you're doing right now, this is not what I wanted. My intentions. I knew it was going to backfire on me. Hubee Halloween, first of all. Adam Sandler's new movie, Hubee Halloween, is the most famous Halloween movie of all

time. Period. Oh, God. I'll just tell you the bit I was going to go into. Do it. Right? Out of the three, which one would you be? The pros and cons of it, that's all.

And then it went into another area. Let's try it again. Let's try it. Let's try it. You ready? You ready? Yeah, I just didn't know how to get into it. What are these Halloween movies that- the werewolves?

They're the iconic fucking Halloween characters. Frankenstein, the werewolf, and vampires. You would be Frankenstein. No. You'd be the werewolf. No, I just wanted to talk to you about each one and what the pros and cons of it. Well, give them to me. Give them to me, baby.

No, I was going to ask you it, but it's not even- You have candy corn on your chin. Nightmare Before Christmas is one of my favorite- I don't even know what that is. I don't even want to know what it is. Tim Burton, you do know it. It doesn't write what I'm saying to you, right? This is Halloween.

This is Halloween. Halloween. Halloween. Halloween. Halloween. I've always loved Halloween. One of my favorite holidays because it's right around my birthday, it's right after my birthday.

It incorporates a lot of orange, me, a lot of spooky stuff, skeletons. I dressed up one time as a kid, and what happened was I got expelled from school, in middle school. My friend Alan Meadows and I dressed up as black people, and we got expelled. Did you blackface? We did blackface. We did blackface. And we brought afros, right?

What did you- How'd you put- I don't know what we were. What did you use for the blackface? I'm always curious. Shoes? We were like shoe polish. Yeah.

Yeah. I was in the principal's office, and this is in 19- 60s. Early 80s. Oh, 80s. Early 80s. And then I remember them saying, the principal going, you can't do that, guys. What color was he?

He was white. And I go, and my only thing was, there's no black people in our school. Yeah, it's a highway. Yeah. And he's like, it doesn't matter. But you're like, but it does because they won't know. They won't know. It's like, you know, if I-

If a tree yells the N word in the woods, does anybody hear it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, since then, I was just like, yeah, I just don't know how to choose right. No, you do. Also, I was going to bring in some stuff that I found at the Halloween store. You know what's so funny? It's like, you couldn't cancel Halloween costumes because they're all- I feel bad by the way.

No, you don't. You were young. Yeah, I was a kid. I didn't know any better, and I feel bad about it, but- I wore a ninja costume. And my mom- See, that's rude. And my mom put tape on my eyes to put my eyelids down.

Yeah? Yeah. I swear to God. Did it? Why would- But that- Let me just say, first of all, you're making an assumption that all- Ninjas-

Ninjas are Asian. They are. Not all of them. Name a white ninja. American Ninja. You ever see the movie? Gymkhana. They're white people.

Shut up. They're white ninjas. All the famous ninjas are Asian. Yeah, I'm just saying- Bruce Lee. Jackie Chan. I know, but it's like saying, like, all Italians own pizza restaurants. A good amount of them do.

I know a black guy that runs one. Rarely. It's not that very good. You know what I mean? It's going to be bad. I know. My point is that- Some stereotypes work.

You don't have to go all the way and put the fucking tape- Yeah, you do. You do? Do you paint your face yellow, too, then? A little bit. A little bit. I poisoned myself and I had a little bit of jaundice, so I looked a little bit yellow. Yeah, and then let me ask you this.

Did you do an accent? Of course. Of course you did. You loved doing that. Cheek order the treat. Yeah, you loved doing it. You loved doing it. They try to cancel costumes every year, but how?

How could you cancel costumes? They're all- you could find something wrong with all of them. With everything they represent. How is this not racist towards fucking leprechauns? Not a real thing. They're making fun of tiny Irish people. So how is this not racist? That should be racist because-

It is. Irish people were oppressed. Dude, every thing- every costume, the reason it's funny, is because it's joking about a stereotype. Yeah. That's why it's funny. There was a fucking section at the Halloween store. They had- it said voodoo stuff, and it was boned through the nose, like necklaces with

saber-toothed on it, shaman sticks to shake it, give you a small head and stuff like that. How is that- what's the difference at some point? It's ridiculous to even try to cancel costumes. You can't. Yeah, but you can't- like for instance, I bet you money you can't now wear a headdress. There was still Native American stuff there. There was tons of it. I was at the club in Edmonton.

There's a mall. I don't know if you've been to that mall. A thousand times. Rick Bronson's room? Dude, that's- first of all, first of all, shout out to the Bronson family who was so loving and checked in on me the whole time. They also headlined me before I was ever ready. Yeah, I love that.

They're the best. They're the best. They're the best. But yes, the West Edmonton Mall. Right. So there was like a photograph, you know, one of those old-timey photograph things that you can go. What do you mean?

So you just walk, there's like a- it's a store, but it's really a studio. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you have that old-timey backdrop, you know what I mean? And they only had cowboys and Indians. Right. Right? So I go, I don't really- I think I identify more as an Indian the way I look. I'm not going to wear a cowboy outfit and take the photo.

There were Asian cowboys, though. No. Yeah, they were. Who? They were Asian cowboys. No. Oh, God, in the old West, right, there were no Asian cowboys. What they were were, they were in the world.

They owned opium dens, laundry mats, right, and stuff like that. And they did dynamic detail as a railroad worker. You don't think a one or two of those guys got on a horse, put on a hat? That's the only way, but it's like, they didn't ride like regular horses. They probably rode like- Hyah, little doggy! Hyah! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, it's so funny, too. What are you doing in this part of town, Chang? Yeah, but there was never any- I think because Asians are so like- not submissive is not the right word, but they like to- no, just to hear about it. I think that's the right word. I don't think it is, right. They like to- they don't want to be seen, right? Yeah.

And they want to acclimate themselves and just blend in and cause no trouble, you know what I mean? I think that's why you never saw like just a bunch of Asians hanging from trees, you know what I mean? What? What do you mean? What are you talking about? Well, back in the day, right, if we were loud and boisterous kind of people-

Oh, you get hung. We would get hung a lot and beat up a lot. You never read about that. But the Asians, they hid. No, we were like, you know, right this way, Mr. Johnson, right? In any job that, you know, we had back then, it was always like, come, please, come in. You know what I mean? It was never like, come in.

Get over here. Yeah, yeah. You smoked opium, relax. Yeah, relax. Yeah. Thank you so much, China. China. Right.

And they would smoke and relax. Okay, Mr. Johnson, you feel good. I'll come back. You want a jean tea? Right. Yeah. And they were like that. Laundry, right?

Come on, bring your dirty body in here. I clean it. Right. It's always a kind. Very sweet. Yeah. So there were no Asian cowboys. We were just, you know, in the, either the food industry or railroad industry.

Yeah. Wait. Ching, Ching. That's where it comes from. What? Ching, Ching, Ching. Oh, yeah. From railroad.

Yeah. That makes sense. Wow. What was that? Never thought of that. Yeah. But like other, like the Irish would complain about their backs. First of all, first of all, the Irish were on the same token.

Irish were blue collar slaves. They worked for no money. I understand that. They were thieves. A lot of them because they couldn't get work. Yeah. There's old signs you see that say, Irish need not apply. I don't know why they hate people.

They hated the Irish so much because I guess they thought they were useless because they were like. I know. Another, you know, another race that's like that. I love the Irish. Our nationality is the Polish. Right. Right.

Like back in the day, like you would like it. You know what I mean? How many Polish people did it take to screw on a light bulb? Screw on a light bulb, right? Yeah. I don't know what the punch was. 10,000 because they're so fucking retarded. That's the punchline.

Or whatever. Right. Right. You'd be like, as a kid, you'd listen to go and you wouldn't find it funny because you don't really get that stereotype. Yeah. But then you watch Polish people now, right? Like Johanna Yang-Czech-Czech.

You know who she is? Yeah. And she's beating the shit out of people like, you know what I mean? And she's a bright girl. Yeah. No, I don't, that came from this old, like I'm from Chicago. Chicago has a higher population of Polish people than Warsaw. That's a fact.

10,000 years ago. And when I was a kid, used to hear, so the slang, the racial epithet, they'd say Polak. That's what they call Polish people. And when you're a kid, you hear it. You don't understand why they make fun of Polish people. And then you get older and you still don't. I don't get it. I don't know what it is.

I think it's like a, you just can. I don't know. But where did that come from, though? I think because I maybe- To Stefano, we should ask him. Maybe Russians. The beef between Russia and Poland, maybe Russians looked down on them and they took that to America.

I have no idea. Yeah, yeah. The joke in Chicago always was that Polish guys, like, they never finished anything all the way. They did cheaper or labor that was like, because a lot of them worked in construction or worked on, were contracted. I didn't get it when I was a kid, but it was thrown around a lot. Yeah, it questions all kind of these stereotypes that don't make any really sense.

Yeah, they just, well, they say- Like the standard one, two in LA would be maybe, you know what I mean? Everybody's gay? No. Mexicans are lazy. See, that's a weird old phrase that I think was taken from the cartoon era of like- But then you see them- Remember Speedy Gonzales?

Remember Speedy Gonzales' best friend? I'm not gonna do that job. Right. Remember his best friend? What was his name? Speedy Gonzales' best friend. Oh yeah. He was always like, eh, Speedy.

Yeah. Sleepy Bean. Sleepy Bean. Yeah. Yeah. And that was like this weird perception that like, that there was a lazy idea. No, they're the polar opposite. I don't think I've ever not seen a Mexican guy either working or looking for work or

just getting off a job. Or like, you know what I mean? What do you do for a living? Well, I've got 15 jobs. Yeah, all of them. You know what I mean? You're like, oh fuck. I'll do anything you need me to do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like- Who's the laziest people then? I don't think a people is lazy. A type is lazy. What's the type of person? Yeah, what are you? I think I'm entitled, fat, you know what I mean?

This is great. Small. Yep. Right. Type of person. So, entitled, fat, spoiled people. Yeah. They're lazy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you weren't the son of a billionaire. So you're entitled for someone that didn't come from- No, I, well, what my therapist said was that I, because I struggled so hard as a comedian and it was so broke for so long, that once I got stuff, right, I just became entitled really quickly. Because I worked so hard, you know what I mean? But that's wrong.

Because they can take it all away. They did take it away. And then you humble yourself. And then it can go away again. So at times is when you humble yourself. Lose the entitlement. No. You're going to keep it?

I can't wait for the entitlement. You do it now. I know. I'm in an upswing. I'm in an upswing. But when things start disappearing, I'll become humble Bob again. Humble Bob. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you really believe, do you believe in any of the stuff that I get into like this? Because I love Halloween. Do you believe in ghosts and ghouls and spirits? No, I think it's- You don't believe in any kind of apparition or spirit or you believe in- No, we talked about ghosts that I grew up with them, but- I know, but you really don't believe in it? No, because I think everything can be explained by science.

And also a lot of its allusions, you know what I mean? Like I've been driving, you know what I mean? You've been driving? I was driving in the desert once. Yeah. I was going from Vegas to Barstow. Yep. And I was driving in the desert during the day, and I didn't drink any water.

Because you were dehydrated? I was dehydrated, but I was just driving. I remember I had to get somewhere. In the heat, it was really hot. Yeah, my car didn't have air conditioning. What is that called again? A mirage, when you say mirage. And when I was looking in the desert, and I saw these hands-

Oh, chewing in the mic. It's fucking so gross. What? It's just the candy corn into the mic. It's just- Why? What's wrong with you today? I just don't want to hear it.

Yeah, but it- Don't put candy next to me. It's so small! Just swallow it whole! Don't put candy next to me if you don't want to hear me chew it! You have a whole bucket full of fucking candy corn here, baby. You have a whole chunk in your mouth right now. So you saw hands waving.

You don't like chewing. Swallow it. No. No. I'm chewing the whole fucking show. You want to distribute that one gram of sugar all over your mouth, as much as you can. I love flavors, baby. I know you do.

I want my whole mouth to fucking experience it. So you're driving in the desert and you see hands waving, and what happens? Nobody- my point is that I saw a bunch of hands waving like we're at Coachella or something. In the distance, sticking out of the sky. Like, let's say this is the desert, they're sticking out of the- you know what I mean? Like this. The horizon. Horizon.

And they're just waving their hands. I mean, I think they were going, you know what I mean? Go, go to me. Crash, crash, crash, crash. I saw a bunch of hands waving, right? So you think that's everything is- But that's not real. Yeah, well it is.

That's an illusion. But it's real to you. You've created that. So it's real. But the point is it's still not real. It's an illusion in my mind. What's real then? Nothing, really.

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Not really, but I'm interested in it. You are? Yeah. It's nice and fun. Oh my God. She isn't... What are you, by the way, for Halloween? What did you put...

What is this? I don't know. I forgot that it was today and so I had a wig, so I just... Yeah. I knew it. I knew it. And what are you, Bob? What did you dress up as?

Sam Tripoli. What an inside joke. No, I don't know what I... You're a wolf. What is that? I don't know what it was. What happened was, we were... I go...

She was in the backyard and I go... I had just woken up. I woke up at 3 o'clock. I know. I got the text. Right. So I go in the backyard and she's back there. Well, remember...

Okay. First of all, I want to address this real quick, okay? So... And we had kind of an argument at the house. Can I just see if you can side with me? Yeah, of course. Go ahead. Okay.

So, Kalyla's best friend. Yeah. It's her birthday today. Happy birthday. Okay. I don't want to say her name because I love her, but... So for her birthday, she went... What did they want to do?

Go fishing. Go fishing. At what time? 6 a.m. At Troutdale? I don't know which area, but yeah. Okay. So when I was...

And they didn't invite me, right? Because it's at 6 a.m. No, that's not true. Well, that's... I think the reason why they didn't invite me is because I knew... They knew that I knew that that was rude, right? Right. Wait, what's rude?

Just hear me out. Okay. Okay. If I have a birthday, right, I'm not going to call people to go, hey, you're going to get up at 5 in the morning to go to the lake to fish. How rude is that? Well... Because then my good friends would be like, all right, right.

Yeah, your best friends would show up anyway. Yeah, but they wouldn't like it. Yeah, but if it's something that you loved, I would do it for you. Just if you... Yeah, but I wouldn't... But that's the thing. I wouldn't want to put you through that. Right.

So I'd just be like, I'm going to go fishing. Right. That's like when I go golfing in the morning. Right. So I was... We had an early argument today. I'm like, you know what I mean? It's just to find that behavior to be rude.

Okay. I don't think it's rude, but you think it's rude that they didn't ask you to go or that... I know why they didn't ask me to go, right? Because it was 6 in the morning. But I just think that the whole gesture was like kind of, you know, intrusive. Okay. Look at it like this. When you go fishing, you have to get up early to go fishing.

You just have to when you're going out. I understand that, so don't invite people. They didn't invite you. No, but they invited the... That's why I... The point though. You feel left out? No.

I'm lost. Well, you're... No. What's rude? The fact that they didn't invite you or the fact that they wanted to go fishing? I'm going to use the candy corn as an example. Please. Okay.

Yeah. All right. This is me. Just about. All right. So this is me, right? Yeah. These are all my friends.

Okay. These are all the people that I consider friends. Got it. Okay. And let's suppose I like to, for my birthday, my desire, right, is to go to... Hike the Sierra mountains to see the waterfall. You know, something even worse. You know what I mean?

I like to swim, right, for some reason in a septic tank. Okay. That's just my desire. I love it. I grew up in fucking Bangladesh. I mean, nothing against people from Bangladesh, right? Right? But like, you know, it's just something I wanted to do.

You love swimming in septic tanks. The nearest, you know what I mean, public septic tank, right, that you could swim in. That's legal. Right. It's in Bakersfield. And it only opens between 4 to 6 a.m. Got it. Yeah, I get that.

Yeah. Let's see. This is something I enjoy doing, right? Nobody, nobody likes it. Okay. Okay. They're going to hate it, right? It's disgusting, right?

Mm-hmm. Now, do I go by myself, or do I invite these? Now, 95% of these people, right, won't go. But 5% will. Look at that. That's 5% will. Now, these fuckers, now, look, now it's 5.30 in the morning. Yeah.

We're in Bakersfield in a septic tank. And we're going, wee, wee, wee, right? These guys right here are having the worst time of their lives. So two of them. It's rude. Two of them hate it. Okay. But the other four are digging it.

All right, so they dig it, right? Yeah, they love it. But what about these two right here? Fuck them. That's true. You're right. Fuck them. Fuck them.

Fuck them. I think you're just mad you didn't get invited. You're having FOMO about something that you didn't. They didn't invite me. They did? They didn't. Yeah, you're mad that you didn't get invited. Is that what it is?

What is it? Rudy, why is he upset that you guys got, they, they got into it? And Kalila's friend, she loves fishing. Does Kalila like fishing? Yeah. Yeah. Do you? Yeah.

Okay. They want to go fishing, Bob. You were one of the two candy corns. Let me ask you something, Jules. All right. All right. And I, you know, I can handle your betrayal. You mean?

It's not betrayal. Just listen to me. Okay. Because I know the truth. Okay, okay. You're gonna burn her two times a week. Put the knife down. We're just having a discussion.

All right. Okay. Right. But when it happens every day and you betray Papa Lee, right? Every day, right? Yeah. It begins to burn a bit. All right.

And I know that because they didn't end up going this morning because it got foggy and the whole trip was canceled. Because you can't say, right? Right. And she was relieved. Who was? Jules. Why?

Because you wanted to sleep some more? I didn't say I was relieved. I can tell that you were relieved. Be honest. No, I was kind of excited. No, you weren't. Because I'll tell you what I heard back in the backyard. You were excited to not go or you were excited to go?

To go. She wanted to go. No, no, no, no. Listen to me right this. You think that I'm not an investigative journalist? I am. You don't think that I could put facts together? Okay.

I go in the backyard and I hear these girls taking, thank God that thing was canceled. Who said that? Rudy did. All of them. No. They were taking, yes, going, right? Is part of this true? No.

But then, you know, this is the betrayal and no more tomorrow. No. You don't betray me again. That's it. That's it. Here's another thing she betrayed me on, right? Let me ask you something. If Jules, right, had a play.

Yeah, it was like a school play. A school play, right? Yeah. I think you and I would go opening night, no? 100%. 100%. I wouldn't miss it, right? You as Huckleberry Finn?

I love it. Whatever. Right? So, you know, I'm on that Netflix thing with Burke Reicher. Cabin. Right? You know, a lot of people have seen it, right? Yeah, a couple of millions.

She refuses to watch it. Why don't you want to watch it, Jules? I didn't say I refused. But you watch everything else. That's the thing. I'm starting it. But you're only starting it now because I gave you shit about it last night. No, I was planning to watch it.

I just forgot about it. She forgot about it. Well, she's watching fucking gookie anime. I'm sorry. I want to get fucking racial, right? Yeah. And she's like doing other shit, right? Yeah.

I just find it to be rude. You know what I mean? With the lie today, the deception today, along with that cabin thing. You really want her to watch cabin? Do you really care? It's this. I don't think she'd like it. Right, she won't.

I understand that. But it's like my brother Steve. My brother Steve, right, doesn't know that I've been in a movie. That's okay. Because he'll never watch it. Yeah, that's great. What's wrong with that? Don't you think that as a family member or someone that you live with, right?

Every once in a while, they partake in one thing? No. Really? So if I think whenever I do stuff, I don't want any of my family to watch it. That's true for me too, right? But I like the gesture of it. Like yesterday, right, or a couple days ago, I woke up and I walked into the living room, right, and Colletta's laughing at watching the cabin, right?

Huh? I didn't ask her to watch it, right? It just feels good that she wants to see something that I'm in. How about this? If it was your show... The podcast? No, I don't give a fuck. We do so many of them.

If it was your show, she'd watch it. But that's Bert's show and you're one of the guys on it. That's why she's not quick to watch it. If it was Bobby Lee's The Cabin, you'd watch it. 100%. Mmm. You're a featured comic on Bert's show. It's his show.

Mmm. If it was Bobby Lee's Opium Den in the woods, she'd watch it. I think that's the truth, don't you, Root? Yeah. Also, we got Rootia Pumpkin to carve. We want you to carve a pumpkin. I forgot to ask you. You gotta hop to it.

That rooster... That's not my rooster, is it? What do you mean, your rooster? It's mine? Yeah. It's mine. Oh, it's from the house. You brought my lucky rooster here?

Yeah, we want good luck here. No, who brought it? Me. She did. Okay. What is the problem? She's just wanted to up her decor. I said, bring something that expresses yourself.

She brought the rooster and the creepy-dead baby. Yeah, but the rooster, right, is a personal... Who is it? Who is it to you? Is it a good friend? All right, Jules, you outlined it however you want, but by the end of the podcast, we want a dope pumpkin, yes? Yeah.

What's wrong with her bringing in that rooster? I don't understand. You have three. You have three? I know. Where are they from? Those roosters, right, were given to me by a friend of mine, right? He passed away?

Yeah. Oh, Rudy. It's a dead guy's rooster. I didn't know. What did he die of? I can't talk about it. Oh, no. Is this real?

No. No. I knew it in my bones. It's not real. Who gave you those roosters? I don't remember. You don't know where you got them. Throw them away.

No. We're going to keep them. All right, so back to my original thing from the beginning of the podcast, right? Yeah. Okay. So, I was thinking, the pros and cons, if you were to have to pick, right, one of those three things to be, Frankenstein, a werewolf, or a vampire, which one would you be? I think I would be...

I just love vampire for... I love vampire. The Reacher of the Night anyway. Bingo. Okay. The idea that I... I love sucking on things. I love sucking on stuff.

And the idea that you can... Because they get away with murder because they can transform. They can... So, I can suck someone's blood and then turn into a bat and fly away. So, you never get caught. Fashionable. Sexy as shit. Sexy.

Do you think I would have been? Yes, dude. Even as a vampire? 100%. Yeah, because the clothing was so cool. Transylvanian clothing that like... You never see vampires in my body besides that, huh? Yeah, no, you don't see a little stocky vamp.

Yeah. We need to make a movie called The Stocky Vamp. Yeah. A little Asian vampire. How come we don't see that? Why is that? Because they're all from... They're all from Transylvania.

Which is it? Which is Eastern Europe? Frankenstein would like to be. You want bolts in your neck? I'll tell you why, right? Yeah. It'll give me an excuse. No one will ask you, hey, read this book.

Yeah. Yeah, they won't... Yeah, they won't... They would make it, right? Just think about it, though. Yeah. I'm Frankenstein. I can't read.

Well, you're way... You're like one of the dumbest guys. Right. You can... An excuse to wander around. Yeah. Get lost. Yeah, you can get lost.

You just walk into a girl's changing room and you're like, I don't know. You don't have to worry about fashion. You're fucked up anyway. Well, he wears a suit and that's it, right? No. He wears like... He's torn clothing, right?

Yeah, but it looked... I thought it was an old torn suit. What was it? What did he used to wear? Was it in his... Like a fucking three-piece suit, like a fucking businessman? Was it three... Well, yeah, he was a Wall Streeter, wasn't it?

No. Original Frankenstein, what was he wearing? What was he wearing? I think just rags. Was it really just rags? I just thought it was an old suit that was torn up. I guess it's just a... Yeah, it's a black sport coat.

It's a black... Oh. It was a black coat. It was a black... That's fashionable. It's like from Zara. See what I mean? Right?

Yeah, he looks kind of fashionable. Yeah, he's dressed like in... He's dressed like really nice. He looks like most LA guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's new LA fashion. And look at, he's got fucking... No, he's dressed like Anthony Gisselnack.

Gisselnack, wear that outfit. 100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Black shirt, black... Pretty fashionable. Black suit coat, big shoe... Look, this is what Gucci does now. What all these new shoes do now.

They make big... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big heeled shoes. Yeah. And also, he's got pretty tight jeans on. Yeah, Shelly's Frankenstein. That's the original... OG.

OG Frankenstein. One of the funniest movies all the time. Young Frankenstein. Young Frankenstein is incredible. That's a Mel Brooks film. That's totally different. So funny. Anybody listening right now, it's one of the classics.

Right, if you're a young person who isn't tuned into that stuff, you should watch Young Frankenstein. You want to be a comedian, that's got to be in your repertoire. That and Dr. Strangelove. Hocus Pocus, also a good Halloween film. Never seen it. What? What a movie. Dr. Strangelove, is that what you just said?

It's not a Halloween movie. No. But for a comedy. Yeah, Dr. Strangelove is great. You know what costume they had today that I almost bought was Clockwork Orange. They had Stanley Kubrick's Clockwork Orange characters. But I didn't want to... I thought it was not...

You couldn't really tell. Just suspenders and then I... Like what else? It's a white shirt with black... It could be Scott. You know what I mean? It could be Scott. It could be the special.

It's not specific enough. Yeah, it's not specific enough. But that movie though, man. Young Frankenstein? No. Dr. Strangelove? No. Oh, Clockwork Orange.

Clockwork Orange. Kubrick makes phenomenal shit. Yeah, but that movie? It fucked with my head when I first saw it. When I first saw it as a kid. Yeah. It fucked with my mind. Because I grew up in the suburbs.

Yeah. With a bunch of, like, track homes and, you know, white people. Yeah. And when you watch a movie like that, you just kind of... First of all, I thought I'd put time in it for a second that... Is this real? Yeah. Do people...

Like, it's like an alternative post-apocalyptic... Not post-apocalyptic... It's an alternative world. It's kind of like a... It's not real. In the not-so-distant future, but it's not real. It's not real. But in my mind, I'm like, is this what England's like?

Kind of. You know what I mean? Yeah. Where they have, like, you know, statues and you can just drink milk out of the breasts. Milk-o-villow sets. Yeah, yeah. And then what did they trip on that, right? Wasn't it like...

Yeah, what a great fucking movie, man. Yeah, it really was. Yeah. That's probably one of my fave... What's your favorite of the newest? Do you like... Friday the 13th? Do you like...

Jason... Halloween? I think out of the newest one... Hold on, hold on. I think Hellraiser. Freddie Kruger, which is... Nightmare on Elm Street. Friday the 13th, which is Jason Voorhees, Halloween, the series, which is Michael Myers, or Hellraiser

are the... I think our four of our generations... I think Hellraiser was the one that, like, kind of... I think the first Friday the 13th freaked me out. No, Nightmare on Elm Street freaked me out. Yeah. Freddie Kruger. But when I saw Hellraiser, I went...

Because you had never seen, like, characters like that before. Right. That's fucked. Look, it's not really Hell. It was more like a different dimension of Hell or whatever. Right. And it was like, these characters are so fucking... Can you do that quieter?

I'm trying. Can you do quieter, though, because I'm talking? You just hadn't seen... Pinhead was something unique. Are you wrestling a boar? What the fuck are you doing? It's hard. They put a little animal in there.

Do it on the desk. You don't want... Is it no leverage? Is that why? Yeah. It really hurts. It's okay. No, it pinches.

It's for the fans. Do you not care about the fans? I know, but it's affecting the way I do that. Take it off. That's fine. Why are you so angry all of a sudden? No, no, no. I'm just like a grown-up.

I'm not mad. I'm disappointed. I know. I know. Leave it down. Because you have what... I'm gonna tell you what you have. I won't tell you what you have.

Oh, it looks so tight. There's a dent on your forehead. I'm not... I'm actually not kidding. There was no dent on your forehead because it was so tight. I heard so fucking Brad. Why was that so tight? I know, but it...

Pull your hair back and show the middle camera. That's why it's fucked. There's dent on your forehead. I know. That's why it's fucked me up all podcasts because I have this pain right here. It's squeezing my brain. Oh, dude. Why is that?

Well, you should just... I didn't want to ruin the fucking Halloween thing that you wanted to do. You did a great job. Right? But it was fucking giving me a headache and now I'm splitting headache. All right. That's some candy corn and chill. You're okay.

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So that always panicked me out, right? Michael Myers was like just a real guy who was a murderer, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Michael Myers was a murderer, Jason wasn't just a regular guy though. No, he was not. But I'm saying Freddy- He was like a guy from a lake. Yeah, he came out of the water.

But Freddy lived in this alternative universe, which is why I thought it was so cool as a kid that like, he could come in your dreams, but he could exist in your real life. But who knows if that was actually still in your dream or if it was real? That's true. That's why I thought that was such a wild concept. But here's another reason why, right, that he makes them scary. He molested. Was he a molester?

Who was? Freddy Cougar. No, was he? Freddy Cougar was a, was a, was a chest of the molester guy? The sweater though, that's a molesting. It is. It does look like a molest. Yeah, to me.

Who looks like the molest? Maybe he wasn't. It's just the sweater makes it seem like he was a molester. Well, he always went after kids. How about that's why? Yeah, I always made the connection that he molested. You're right, actually, because he only come to kids' dreams because adults can't, adults don't, right?

Isn't that what it was? Adults don't really see him in their dreams, but with Jason killed adults, Michael definitely killed adults. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. That Freddy went after like specifically young kids. Young kids, yeah. I think it was a molesting vibe.

Yeah, he was. That's what was scary about him to me. Which one of them, which one of them seems, which one of those four guys who I would like be friends with? Yeah, who'd you hang out with? Well, who'd be my top 10 friends on MySpace? Yeah. Yeah.

Hmm. Well, because number one, I don't want to die. Yeah, that's why you want them on their underteens. Right. So to me, like, obviously not Freddy because, yeah, no, wait, so my friend, who do, who am I picking not to kill me? Who, who would I be trusting enough to be my friend? Okay, look, who would you be?

Here we are at a dinner party. Right. Who would I invite to a dinner party? And somebody's, no, no, no, and somebody goes, Bob, I heard your friends with Jason Voorhees. Yeah. Why? Well, because I'll be honest with you, right?

Please. Jason helped me build a gazebo once. Well, he does have that chainsaw. Well, he has a chainsaw, yeah, but also I was at the lake. Yeah, right. And I had this whim to build a gazebo. Overlooking the lake. Well, there's a lot of wood, right, and I'd never built one before, right?

And I couldn't chop the tree down because at the time I was 14 years old, right, and I have the strength, right? So I was working on this tree all day long, trying to chop it down, right? And all of a sudden I hear like a little rumbling in the back, right? I turn around and there's a guy there, right, with a, I thought he was, I thought it was Gordie Howe at first, you know, I was in Canada. Yeah. I thought that was Gordie Howe.

Hey, what are you doing there, bud? Yeah, yeah. I thought it was Gordie Howe. And I go, oh, I'm a big fan. Can you see, you know? And he goes, you didn't really say anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I say, you want to help me build a gazebo?

And he's, he started, yeah, wait, wait, was, was, was Jason a chainsaw guy or axe? I thought, I thought Michael Myers was an axe and Jason was a chainsaw. I don't think either one of them had chainsaws. Yes. Yeah. Jason Voorhees had a chainsaw. I thought, I'm most positive he had a chainsaw. Yeah, dude.

What do you mean? The fucking. Was he Canadian? Yeah. Yeah. No, he's from Alberta. Yeah. Yeah.

He's from Banff National Forest. He lives in, off of Lake Louise. He's got a nice little bungalow there. Three bed, three bath. It's on Airbnb if you'd like to rent. Keep it down. Keep it down. So yeah, this machete was almost the, the most recognizable.

This was constant, but the chainsaw was a thing. He had a chainsaw. I think at the very first. Yeah. Jason Voorhees, what a cool name, Voorhees. Based on something real, I think, I don't, I just don't know any better. And Freddie Krueger, right? You say Freddie, you think looks like a molester.

You think he looks molestary, huh? Dude, look at it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hey kids. Yeah. Get in the bus, kids.

Come on. I've got plenty of Snickers bars. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He does seem molestary. Yeah. Your shirt looks like the, the molestine shirt from, from Freddie Krueger.

Burn. Maybe it's the colors here, but you look like the molester with that shirt on, he said. He's a thing against me. Fancy B? Yeah. Because I remember when he was doing the standup stuff and he was doing like the roasting stuff. And he was crushing.

Yeah. But he. He murdered. He digs really hard at me. So what? That's what he was doing standup. And before I see him now here too, there's a standoffishness about him. Why?

What do you think it is? It's either he thinks he's better than me or that he doesn't respect me. Fancy or either those things true? Not at all. You guys said that you have to punch up in comedy and I can't think of anyone higher, you know, to punch up. I was real nice. Punching up in comedy is not punching down, see?

That's respect. He's saying you're the tip top. Yeah. How about this? Would you like to look? Since it's Halloween. Since it's Halloween. I can't eat anymore.

I believe in ghouls and ghosts and goblins and I believe in the afterlife very much. I believe your spirit can sometimes stick around. Your father passed away. Okay. Rest in peace. Papa Lee. Right? I brought something in case you feel the need or inclination.

Have you ever talked to your dad? If you brought my dad's ashes. Have you ever spoken to your father? I have. You have? Yeah. I'm thinking we could contact him. I brought a Ouija board.

No, no. I can't do it. Please? No. I'm not doing a Ouija board. Let's contact your dad. Please. Please.

No, no. Wait. Stop. Stop. Stop. Put your hand. It's just one hand. It's one hand.

No. Let's do it. You want to get haunted at night? It is real. I know. And we're going to respect it. We're not. We have every idea.

So am I. I know it's real. So? You just have to say goodbye. You just have to say goodbye and it closes the door. You start on Ouija. Here's the rules. Put your headphones on.

Put your mic back. Here's the rules. You start on Ouija. Oh, that's not good. Blowing out a candle to begin is a bad omen. Oh boy, is that not good. Now that's actually scary to me. I know, but that's what it's supposed to do.

It's a Crickle Crackle candle. Put on your headphones and get your microphone near your mouth. Okay? The proper way to do this is for you put a hand and I put a hand. Okay? All right, here we go. Bob, hold on. Listen.

Listen to me. We're going to contact your pops. Okay? What's his name again? Robert. Robert E. Lee. Yeah. Okay.

We have to say goodbye at the end. Otherwise, his spirit will still remain. Okay. All right. Now put your two hands on. Two hands. Okay. Now calmly and slowly, the bravest amongst us asks the first question.

So go ahead. Dad, are you in heaven? I'm not touched. I am not moved. Look. Yeah, you are. No, I'm not. I'm not.

I promise. Why are you moving? What is it? What is it? Tea. Tea? Yeah. What does that say?

I can't read. I can't see it. What is it? T.G.? T.G. I don't know what it is. What's T.G.? He said T.G.I. Fridays.

He loved T.G.I. Fridays. Are you being serious? Yeah, he loved T.G.I. Fridays. That's his favorite fucking restaurant. Well, let's ask him another question. Obviously, he's having fun. This is fun, see? There's a T.G.I.

Fridays in heaven. Oh, wow. Let's ask. Okay. I want to ask him a question about you. Do you miss Bobby? Okay. Do you miss Bobby?

Lightly. Lightly. Put your finger. No, don't lean your weight on it. It should be like this. I'm not. You're pulling. I'm not.

I swear to God, I'm not. You're pulling. Look. Okay. Lightly. You're pulling. No, I'm not. I'm not.

You're so strong. I'm not. I did not pull it. I'm not pulling it. Come here. You have strong fingers. I am not pulling it. You have strong fingers.

Do you miss Bobby? Bobby. I'm not. You have to be pulling. I'm not. Are you going to be kidding me? I'm not. You're pulling it.

Push it. Get my weight. No, I'm not. What's that? I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. What's that?

It says you. The letter you. Does he miss you? What was the question? Does he miss you? Okay, let's get the other letters. What is that? You M?

I know what it is. What's you M? So ask me. I'm the dad. as we mr. Lee do you miss do you miss Bobby so he doesn't okay no he's thinking about it oh oh he doesn't know you know or you at the University of Montana is there a month is our University of Montana of course there is no be real home of the buff bluffs yeah so maybe that has something to do with

it because my dad my dad lived in Montana for a bit what you am but Bobby mr. Lee tell us what's the one thing what's the one thing that you would ask Bobby now about what's going on is oh what do you want to know about Bobby what do you yeah what do you want to know about me dad we gee oh my god what is that gee you have to re-center it go back to the weegee and re-center put your fingers on lightly I'm not oh my god a I

Why gay? You are pulling it with your fucking say goodbye say goodbye say goodbye. Goodbye dad. Bye dad. Oh My god, I think it's so dumb whoo. Yeah, are you happy we connected with your dad? Yeah, I miss him you do Yeah, you miss him them. Do you miss him at night or during the day the most? I Don't there's no particular time. It's a sometimes it just comes in a wave of like It's almost as if he didn't like I didn't accept that he was gone or You know, it's like if I really think about it. It's like oh, he's dead

Right, but then it's like I think I pretend that he's alive somewhere like living in like Quebec, maybe he is yeah, but I saw his body But that's just the shell that's just the yeah His soul could be living on that's why I believe in ghosts and apparitions They're living on somewhere else. Yeah, look at you when you said there's science explanation everything There's a little thing inside of your body a heart, right? It beats it beats because of what? What why does your heart beat because the blood flowing into your now what creates blood flow What cuts blood your brain?

Well oxygen helps blood flow right that too, okay, which goes to your brain and your heart and it circulates throughout your body Why does your heart just have a beat rhythm to it? There's no batteries pumping. Yeah, how what's making it pump? I don't know you have an electrical force inside of your body electrical force, so you do you're you have electricity inside of your body, right? Yeah, like So when you die You just think it goes away. No it transfers to something else magical in the universe This could be your dad

Your dad could be in this guy this could be mr. Lee this could be Bob Lee's father this could be Bob Lee Robert Lee Yeah, they transferred energy to sing No never sung before yeah, so if this was your dad you sing the song that he would sing if this was your father He doesn't know how to sing but let me hear you sing with this was your dad. What would he sing? Okay ready? We'll turn it off. I'll just do it. Okay Bobby Bobby didn't get good grades in high school. He always did the drug He stole ten thousand dollars from the safe in the closet. He I caught him masturbating one time

and then Wait a minute you sold ten grand from them. Yeah out of their safe. Yeah. Why why why why do you for drugs? Isn't meth not that expensive and others other things How much is meth? I'm serious back then. No what what happened was I want to go get met right now I don't know. I haven't had I haven't done meth since I was 17. What okay back then when you got meth What does meth cost? You go to your guy and you say yo, give me a fucking what I don't remember But um, I would assume I would probably give them

50 bucks for like a tiny rock like that and you crush it up. I would crush it up and you snored it. Yeah You never smoked it. Mm-hmm. Why not? Because I didn't know how to do it. I didn't have that like because I didn't really There was no there's no like head shop In my town. Mm-hmm. So you wouldn't know where to get like pipes and stuff that I think you'd use tinfoil But like I didn't know how to do it. No one around me did it. So snorting it. Yeah And it is still ten grand like in one shot. Yeah, you just slowly were stealing Yeah, I stole about ten grand through a period of like a year and a half and what did he say when he caught you?

He never caught me. He fired a bunch of people What Okay, so what happened was On Friday my dad had five clothing stores. Mm-hmm. They were called fashion gal Yes, okay So he had five fashion gals one in Sanita's one ask and Dito bunch bunch of places and on Fridays when I had my license Right. He tell he told me to Pick up the money

So being a drug addict, right I go I Asked for that job. I go, you know after school. I could just you know go pick them up for you So you can play golf or whatever Was your dad a good golfer? Oh, yeah, he's won a lot of awards What do you mean one of a lot of trophies? I mean from what tournaments? Where at a cut you guys at a country club. Yeah, we yeah stone rich country club. Yeah You are fancy, right? So on Fridays, I would go to all the stores Yeah, and the lady or whoever with the manager would put all the money in a brown paper bag

What you guys didn't have like a staple and what and I would take all the money He would put in the safe at home and then a Monday to a deposit in the bank Right, right, right. So I would go to all and I had I went and bought my own stapler So you could restable the bag. Yeah, you're such a bad kid, right? So I would go to each store, right? I would take a couple hundred bucks, right? But eventually it didn't match up with the books. So people started getting fired Because of you. Yeah, because of a 16 year old who's stealing. Yeah. So like adults who had jobs You tell me to pick it up

That was my excuse and you think it was about 10. He would never think that I would be the one So over like a period of year year and a half. I would Eventually turned out to be like 10 grand or whatever every week you were doing. Oh, yeah for a year and a half It's a part of my drug habit. Wow. Yeah, and genius. It's pretty smart Yeah, crafty stupid for him to give you the access to that money Yeah, but then when I went to rehab, I told him What did he say? He was so livid. Yeah, no shit. Yeah

What did he say? He didn't really say anything He's he's just face turned already and all the veins popped in his forehead when I told him But you're in a rehab with counselors and stuff It was like a safe space to say it, right? And then he felt really bad for firing people Did he ever talk to those people again? I think he did something. I don't know what he did But I think he did do something called them because he blamed people. He was like you're stealing. Yeah. Yeah That's so fucked up Bob. I know did your mom ever say anything to you or she let you just get away with shit Well, she didn't know I know what when she found out. Did she reprimand you or no?

No, I want to rehab when you're in rehab. That's it's safe, baby That's such bullshit. It's such a cop out. No, it's not if I still tend to my parents They'd wait for me to get out and they'd be like, hey, they beat the shit out of me when I got out But yeah, my mom would throw fists. You have to also understand that I did living amends That doesn't I look at living amends is pure and simple this this this addict idea that like because you're an addict When you apologize like all is forgiven people can still want to knock you the fuck out for that Like your dad should have beat the shit out of you for that. No, yes. Oh, see what you're saying to me is this, right? Yeah I'm strong out on drugs. Yeah, right on the precipice of death. Mm-hmm. Okay. Mm-hmm

They're worried that I'm gonna die. I know get better. We miss you. We love you So they then they put me in a 45 day treatment center. Yeah for like a hundred grand. Yeah for like a hundred grand Right since we had no health insurance. No, I know those right well, they don't pick out a pocket, right? And I went to three What? Yeah, three different ones. Yeah, Jesus do they went you went you got your fucking you got your bachelor's your master's and your doctor Yeah, yeah, and But one of them wasn't an actual trip was it more of a detox kind of a place, right? But the two were full-fledged ocean view recovery center and the McDonald's Center is where I went Did they have McDonald's food there?

Yeah, they do yeah, I think Ronald McDonald does I don't know Ron McDonough, you know, that's a family member of mine. It's my uncle Ron. Yeah So anyway, so you're in a treatment center 45 days. They're not gonna beat the shit out of you when you leave See, I would I still would I would say I'm glad you're healthy and you're alive and you're not on drugs But I'm gonna I gotta get you back for what you did. What if I said as a son I go listen I know I fucked up. I'll pay I'll make it up to you. How? By working at the store, which is it what I did mm-hmm for free Mm-hmm until I'm paid off my debt, but don't most Asian kids work for their parents store for free anyway

Yeah, I Grew up with a kid whose parents owned a dry cleaners right at the street from us and he worked there forever Great kid awesome family, but I know I always thought I bet you I bet you they're giving him good money to work for No, the fear though is this I remember being at the store Mm-hmm my dad would say things like one day. This is all yours, right or something like that And then you would have this dread going I don't want to do this fashion girl fashion gal was it only women's clothes Yeah, well, it was like I Think it was a lane Bryant for ethnic women

It was plus size clothing for ethnic women because it was a lot of Samoans women that would shop there Yeah, nothing against I love Samoans, but yeah, a lot of heavier Hispanic women just so it's a big women's clothing store Well, how did you why would there was skinny stuff too, but mostly fat stuff? I felt like why'd your dad get into thicker way your mom was a tiny person. Yeah, so she couldn't wear it And so what why would your dad get into thick women's clothing? I Don't know how they maybe um, do you know how the business started? I've never asked you about your dad's business. Well, my dad. Well, he started in the wig Wigs

You know was born in a wig store, right? No. Yeah, you were I was born in a wig store Really and San Diego like on a pile of wigs Do I but this is the scariest thing your mom is about to give birth and she your dad's like lay down on a pile of wigs Yeah, but here's the scary part, huh? so But my parents own a wig store in downtown San Diego, right, which I was born there, right and Time real fast. Why didn't she go to the hospital? Not enough time? No, no, there was a hospital on the street I was born there, but I

Oh, I thought you mean you were born in no, she didn't get birth in the wig store I don't know those Asians are hard workers. I know I know It's not like the fucking you know, I mean had an eight-hour shift or like, oh, well, we have to we have to Do it here. No, no, I was born in sharp hospital But then I lived in the wig store you guys lived there But here's the thing so that when my parents my dad started fashion gal my uncle took over the wig store, right? So all my life, you know, I mean even in high school and even when I was a stand-up, right in my 20s I could go to that wig store and it's still there, right? Wow, and the but here's the scary part is

Is one time I was there my uncle goes come up here for son So there's upstairs. It's an old building. It's still around. He sold it. It's still there and He brings me into this room where they have broken mannequin Mannequin heads. Oh, so creepy, right? So there's all these shelves, right? Oh Also, these mannequin heads are from the fucking 60s and 70s Yeah, right and if you tell that that no one goes in this room, right? If these were like cobwebs, right mannequin heads, right? But also all the plastic is off the eyes, right and cracked so creepy and in the middle of this fucking, right?

Is a cradle a Baby it's a cradle thing. Oh, you you slept in there When you were taking nap, that's where they put you when I was a kid since we didn't have a house Yeah, my parents lived in that wig store illegally. Yeah, right and so you go This is where you right and you could just see all these Staring down on me. That's so fucking creepy. It's so creepy Do you remember growing up there at all like you remember vivid images of no, but I do remember being raised by Mannequins 80 people it felt like people would always just come and go steric. Maybe it was my first audience. Oh

Shit, right. Yeah, maybe that's how I learned to perform. You talked to the mannequins. Yeah. Yeah I'm talking about Yeah, I grew up in a wig store Bob what that's so sad Why cuz it's just like such like a sad immigrant tale and I'm really happy Human trafficking. I wasn't like, I don't know. I don't know it sounds so close Just like the kid in the attic and stuff around the dead man around the mannequins that are fucked up and like Downstairs they're doing something illegal and wrong and yeah, they probably had a conversation

I like we can't we can't sell them. No one wants to buy him Yeah, yeah, they try but my brother got a real house. I think as a baby right when he grew up He was you guys had to been in the house at that point, right? Yeah, we got a house then But like I remember my uncle showing me that shit. It was just like did it bum you out? No, but it I you know, it's almost as if like cuz I didn't know that that would bum me out if I saw that No, I was in there. I'm like wait boys are cradle here and he goes. They you You sleep there, right? I go what I looked at up my uncle go What the fuck I slept here. I would I keep it what I would to keep the cradle

As if we moved out, right? My uncle bought the store and I'm gonna close close the door forever No one ever come back in here, right? Yeah, it was in the end of this hallway upstairs, right? It's also there's no electricity either on that side of the my god So you would walk and it get darker and darker as you go down this hallway Yeah, and then by the end of the hallway, it's pretty pitch black, right? Mm-hmm, and then when you would open the door it was as if like The walls had openings in them like holes punch through the outside. So there's light beaming in This is a horror movie. No, you grew up in a horror. So there's light beaming in right?

So that's what I remember That's so fucked up. That's like a creepy creepy memory Light shining through this. Yeah tattered electricity less room tucked away in the corner of a wig shop in San Diego Yeah, no wonder you did math. I remember my mom. I remember my mom, you know ethnic women They don't know the fucking rules, right? I remember my mom. We were at a mall. We lived then we moved to Minnesota We're in a model why this brought this memory brought up. It's funny to me, right? And I remember being in the mall and my mom swimming in the fountain Of the mall. Yeah, just like no big like that's totally normal. Just yeah, yeah

My mom would do like things like that like like I knew as a kid socially Mm-hmm. You throw panties in their mom. Yep, right? My mom's in there like wait, you know doing, you know, washing her feet and like, you know I mean and like people walking by going did security come no nobody cared and then my mom would also do this She would go like we'd be at the North County Fair, which is another mall by my house when we live We came back to San Diego. Yeah, and my mom go I tired and we're at the mall. Let's go home No, but I still have the shop And then she would just take a nap

In the middle of the mall night in the middle of the mall like off to the side You know me on a bench or something just squat and sleep and she would just sleep there for like 30 minutes And my mother just wandering around like it's so embarrassed because at that time we were like, you know, um like 12 10 12 Yeah, yeah, I mean, so we're like, yeah, you care so much about looking cool. Yeah. Yeah, like we're gonna hot topic later, mom Yeah, I love when they don't know the rules Yeah, I mean, and yeah, do whatever they want because these weird social things that I guess don't exist over there Also, why do they exist? Why can't you take a nap in the mall? Just go home But why can't you do that though?

Why can't you go to the fountain where there's water and wager feet in it because it gets dirty then that's that's gross That's unsanitary. It's true. Yeah, if your mother had a cut she could get infected bacteria. She could die I'm just saying though, but oh, so I'm telling you why Why we have rules in America. Oh, I see we can just sleep in malls and sway weight in the fountains, but yeah But I do think well, I told you about the jug of piss What so this is so funny. So when I so now I'm a comic, you know, I'm on mad TV. Okay killing it And I go, um dad you got because they had one fashion guy left. Yeah in some broken down mall They just slowly closed down Phoenix, Arizona over time, right? Yeah, but it would they could change the name. It was called changes

It's like exactly what's going on in his life. Yeah, yeah changes changes and so my brother and I Did we drive to Phoenix to do a surprise visit? Is that where your uncle lives too, right? No, my parent my uncle lives in San Diego Oh, so I go, um Let's go to changes and visit dad So we should visit my dad and There's no one in the mall It's like a dead mall. Yeah, do you remember where it was traffic in Scottsdale So not Scottsdale. No in like fashions or Gilbert in one of those towns, right?

And we go in what why'd you make that face? Opinion, what do you mean? I have opinion. Go ahead. Tell me the opinion. I went to Arizona State I lived in Phoenix. So I know all about it. So what what what Mesa Gilbert? What is it about them? It's not so nice Okay, it's okay. They're okay. They're there. That's where my mom lives now in Mesa. Yeah She does yeah, Mesa's gotten much nicer as time and honestly when I was there. It was different. Okay. It was just a little bit like Uh-uh, you don't go But now that's where all the fucking the the the

No, no, no, the Spring training baseball is all in Mesa now It's fucking I mean it was to them but now the neighborhoods have gotten significantly nicer So we go and visit the changes and my dad's standing there We're in this at the store empty mall, right? And we go dad. He's so happy. It says all my sons. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm and and we go around right and My dad my dad's zipper

My dad's zipper is undone is his dick out what it was Like turns out it was like father-like son. Yeah. Yeah, and we look down and there's a gigantic plastic Like a jug like what you would put water in like a like a valley spring. Yeah Like a spark let's bottle filled with urine like a five-gallon drug urine filled up with urine Do he not have a bathroom at the store? He goes I can't afford a I cannot afford employee So if I have to go to the bathroom because the bathroom was way down on the other end of the mall I know I have to be here

Who emptied it I guess he just that's why he got a big one So he just a week accumulate a week and I'd act me on a Friday. He would like, you know I mean just throw it in the fucking jug the funniest image in my head of your debt Like you know how the spark let's bottles have handles on them to carry. Yeah. Yeah, your dad just carrying two As he leaves them all he's like have a good night Yeah, dude jugs of piss. Yeah, it was uh, that's so sad. He couldn't afford him. There was at the last store That was it, huh?

Then retired and then I um Didn't and that was just like I don't know what to do. We got a closed store. We got closed store So, um, did he was he gonna give it to you and your brother? Is that like a no he was never gonna there's no way there wasn't it wasn't making any money So I decided to send them Money every month when you started making money. Yeah, I've been sending them my parents money ever since then You send them the same amount of money every $500 a month Wow

Because you were like I want to just make sure that they're I just I go how much is all this she's gonna cost Right, you know, I mean food. Give me food your phone bill all that shit Tell me everything and I'm gonna send you this right you close that fucking store down. It's a money drainer Because it was just losing, right? Well, you know, I mean we'll pay mortgage on the fucking house that you have here, right and just chill But then they sold the San Diego now your mom's out there. No, this is all in Arizona. Oh, that was all in Arizona. Yeah, yeah Oh, wow. Yeah Is she happy out there in Arizona?

Oh my god, I'm gonna show you something. This is so sad Yeah I feel so bad. Yeah I don't I know you just talk shit about my mom every time we bring it up So and I haven't said anything mean about her so far about your mom you talk about across eyes and stuff It's it's one is just obviously lower and crossy. It's just it's yeah like that picture when I go through your instagram Sometimes your mom is a chupacabra. Huh?

Huh? Huh? Chupacabra. Oh, really? Yeah. Okay. All right. So if you talk about my mother fucking mom Yeah, right again, right? Your mom is a fucking beast Remember that and she spawned a fucking dirty beast like you, right? And you guys are fucking animals, right? You know at nights I hear coyotes, right? I go. Mrs. Santino I'll yell that under the fucking name. That's not even her name. Whatever her name is. Yeah, you don't mean Well, you know, I don't know the her language I don't know that language Right. So don't ever fucking come at me. What about my mom? Okay. Yeah, I take a bath in a fountain. Oh

Yeah, so this is our exchange my mom and I yeah since the pandemic Every night she sends me a meme right Beautiful and sunny day not too hot or cold the perfect weather. Love Uma. At first. I thought this was Hiroshima It's a sunset. I know but at first I was like what the fuck she's lost her mind, right? Right. She'll send me this good night and sweet dream and just some That's really sweet flowers. That's cute. She does it every fucking night. And what do you send back, Bob? Bob

I'll say stuff like stay say hot there mom. Please. I love you. Love you mother. That's nice. You know what I mean? She sent me this the other night. I'm not perfect, but I'm always myself That's your that's really sweet. Yeah, she's a sweet woman. I don't even read this. Let's let's read it together Yeah, let's hear if you knew how hard it was How long it took to rebuild my little universe of peace and happiness Then you would understand why I'm so picky about who I allow in my life Hmm. I don't get it. Is your mom like a teenage white girl? It's the weirdest that's so strange. It's so strange

Yeah, so she said, you know, and this is you know, here's a weird one. I just saw this one, right? It's a stay safe but What the fuck is the It's the oh, it's a guy. It's like it's like it's like the symbol they use for depression when people are depressed But that's strange, right? She's trying to tell you something. You think she is? Yeah, stay safe. I kill myself in four months Stay safe. I'm not gonna be yeah. Yeah. Did you finish your pump? Yeah, let me see it Let's see the pump right now

Oh, I'm excited to see the pump What do you mean it's bad? I bet you it's not bad at all All right. Oh, yeah Show it to that camera. That's your camera over there. That's really cool. Oh, that looks awesome So that's that's uh, that's you put bf there. Yeah bad friends. That's that's that's uh, that's uh, that's uh, Mike from uh No, is that Mike Wilkowski from monsters? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's what it looks like. What what's his name? Mike Wilkowski from It's one eye, right? Yeah, he's one eye. Yeah. Yeah, isn't that his name you guys? Yes, monster zinc monster zinc. Yeah, but his name his last name was Mike. You know what? I didn't get that

I've never seen anything like that. I think that's creative. It's awesome. You made the little eyeball Can we have it? Can I can you? Oh, no, no, leave it in front of you. Rudy Jules. I think that's a phenomenal pump Thank you. I think you did a great job. Bob. You like it. I I you know what? I think she's creative I wouldn't be able to do that. All right here. Um, can I have the pumpkin? Hold on one second Okay, and I want I want all of us to say thank you for being a bad friend. Okay. Thank you for being a bad friend Yay Jules That was really that's really awesome