Bad Friends - The Ghost of Beaver Lane

Episode Date: December 13, 2021

New Merch: http://badfriendsmerch.com Thank you to our Sponsors:  https://www.doordash.com code: BADFRIENDS2021 & https://www.babbel.com/badfriends &  http://upstart.com/badfriends & BLUECHEW YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriends 0:00 Check Out Our New Merch  0:31 Andrew's Biggest Fearr 8:08 Rudy's Ghost Will Haunt Bobby and Andrew  14:42 Gwyneth Paltrow's Eyes, J-Lo's Butt  21:49 Roller Coasters and Swimming With Sharks  30:39 Andrew's Street Sense  39:43 Bobby Loses 35 Grand... because he forgot his ID  45:11 Adam Ray's Phone Call  51:16 Bobby's Inside Job Character  59:09 8-Year All Badass  1:04:11The Reason Andrew Can't Watch Game Of Thrones More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Andres Rosende & Pete Forthun This podcast episode was sponsored by Candy Crush Sponsorships: on for this episode Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Alright guys, guys, there's new merch out, badfriends.com Bad Friends merch You guys, there's new merch out, badfriends.com merch Yeah, badfriendsmerch.com Badfriendsmerch.com, check it out, our new shit There's new merch we got out, it's very cool Real good stuff It's real sexy, go to badfriendsmerch.com

You two are bad friends Who are these two idiots? Woooo! Why do you think I'm an Asian dude? Woooo! You two are disgusting Woooo! Well, you two are something

We're bad friends I don't want to talk about it But I want to say that You know, your fear is, um Obvious and I What is my fear? I don't know What's my fear?

You don't have it What's my fear that you go up there with no material And you just show your penis and then that's the show? That's not my fear You think that's what I'm gonna do up there? That's a reality You think that's what I'm gonna do up there? Show my penis and say goodnight

Bet me a thousand dollars you won't show a part of your body on stage If you told me not to Bet me a thousand dollars you won't show a part of your body I'll bet you a thousand dollars and I'm gonna say this too, okay? And you have to do only material for a half an hour straight No, I'm not, I'm doing a guest spot I'm not doing a fucking feature spot You're doing a half an hour, bub

I'm not gonna be there Saturday then You dictate, I dictate the rules I dictate the rules I'm a baby I'm the baby I dictate the rules I say what I want to do Yeah

Yeah? Hi, Jules Hi I'm so happy that you're here I thought you weren't gonna, alright Yeah, she's in a, she's Why are you in a bad mood? Cause she's Beach Girl

Yeah, she goes to the beach in the mornings And then she comes home all grumpy and like I went to the beach, leave me alone, I'm Beach Girl What's your deal? Nothing, I'm just tired Dude, your whole, your whole fucking life is tiring What do you do? You don't do anything

How can you be tired? We just went diving, that's it I was tired from it Glad you're here No I was just about to say so nice to see you I have to live with this shit I know, it's a fucking nightmare

It's a Move in with me I know, it's like Me and you should just live, get a house together Bro, we would, bro, if you and I lived together How fun would that be? It'd be fun for the first 48 hours, we'd be dead after that 100%

Yeah But who cares? So for 48 hours, it'd be fun The first 24, civil The last 24 Insane That would be our 48 hours, the film Outstick dynamites in your butthole

Am I Nick Nolte in this scenario? In what movie? In 48 hours Oh yeah, yeah Isn't it Nick Nolte? It is no Nick Nolte Who else is in 40? Eddie Murphy

Eddie Murphy, yeah Am I Nick Nolte? I'm Eddie Murphy You gotta be Thank you Do your best Eddie impression right now E-E-E-E Perfect

That's, that was my Eddie Murphy laugh I was like, what, do it again Yeah I don't even know What, give me Eddie Murphy's laugh I wanna see if I can do it E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E Who?

Nick Noltehy? There's like a thousand voices coming out of one voice. That's so good. It's one of those voices where you record and you play it backwards as other messages. And you hear ghosts in the background? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shout, shout.

That thing. Shout, shout. And then they do it, yeah. That was a good movie. Hey, what did you do for turkey day? Hey, man, what's up? Good to see you. What did you do for Thanksgiving?

I love it. Did you get my invite? I invited you guys to come to my Thanksgiving. In Chicago? Yeah. Yeah, I got it. You didn't want to come? Were you there?

Nope. There you go. All right. But I looked at your cute family on the Zoom. Oh, I know. We called you on the Zoom. We were wasting it. Your mom is attractive.

Yeah. And she's a babe. She really is. I know. And look at me. For a second, I'll be honest with you. And don't get angry. I'm about to.

I can feel it. But I just want to be honest with you because you're my friend. I want you to be honest with me. I was getting her penetration eyes. Oh, you tried. No, just penetration eyes. Do it.

One of those. Do it to the camera so they can see. Oh. Oh, wow, dude. And she was like, I saw goosebumps on her face. Well, she choked on water. Yeah, yeah. For some reason, she was like.

And then goosebumps on her face, and then she, I think, did a mini climax. Really? I was right there. Through the Zoom, I know. Wow. Yeah. You did it.

But she's pretty hot. She's a babe. I got a babe for her mom. Yeah. It was nice to go. Your sister's cute. Yeah. Why?

We're an attractive family. And why can't it as an American citizen? You're not an American citizen. I am. Let me show me your papers. I have a card. Show me your papers. I don't know where it is.

I have a file cabinet system. I'll find it. But my point is, is that I just want to say that your family. Thanks. When I saw them, don't ever Zoom again. Because I knotted so fast. First of all, we didn't Zoom.

What was it? Face time. Dad. All right, sorry. You got me on the Zoom. Real cute family. It was not, and it was so nice that you answered. Everyone was excited to see you.

Yeah. Actually, no. You said something. You go, mom, say something to Bob. I said, say hi to Bob. And I go, and then you hung up. I did. At the end.

That's a funny trick. It was a good bit. It's a good bit. It works, because you thought I might've called back. Because when you do that bit, right, you hang up, and I do that moment where I go, ooh. Yeah, you sit and say that. Oh, but do me.

You know who I didn't call? Yeah, you don't have a number. Yeah, I do. Oh, you do? But I text her, and the texts are very bland there. Are you okay? Are you guys coming tonight? I also proposed to her.

I go, is Magic Mountain open? And she's like, I don't know. And I go, because she's afraid of rides. I think we should do a Bad Friends Magic Mountain trip. I would love to, but isn't it closed during this winter? Or no? Is it closed? Look it up.

Is Magic Mountain still open? You don't want to do it? I just hate it. But we'll go as a family. Will that feel better? Can I just do one ride? No. You can't go all the way there and buy a ticket for one ride.

All the way there, 20 minutes and 20 minutes a week. 12 minutes up the freeway. It's open 365 days a year, according to LA Times. Wow. Wow. Let's go. Let's go. Come on, we'll take a little family trip.

It'll be like an end of the year celebration. But the big, but the thing we have to do is we have to eat as much as we can before we go to see who throws up on the ride first. Yeah. That's so fun. Yeah. Will you do that?

A vomit. That's the point. I almost went to the hospital because there's a, next to the Magic Mountain, there's a water slide place. Oh yeah. That's raging water. Raging water's attached to it. And there's a river, right?

A lazy river. There's a lazy river that surrounds the whole fucking thing, right? And it's a bunch of kids just shitting themselves. And I remember being on a little floaty, right? And just so thirsty, just drinking the water. No. Oh yeah, yeah.

Yeah. And the next thing I know, it's like I was in a pack of a fucking, my buddy's minivan. And I'm going through, I'm shitting myself. It was fucking, I almost died. You had dysentery is probably what it was. Is that what it was? Your insides were eating shit.

Yeah. But we gotta do that when we go there. Okay. That's one of my pointers. Because there's a danger there, because we could die. Yeah, an element of danger is what we need. And also I think on one of the rides, you don't pull the thing all the way down

so you might slip out. That makes it fun. That makes it fun. Everyone should do that at least once. You know when it goes over the heads, click, click, click, click, click, click, click. Don't do the last click. Don't do the last click.

Because the last click holds you in, right? You gotta leave some space. Yeah, just a little bit, just in case. So you do one of these. It's fun to slide almost out. And when you're backwards, dude, it's like you don't want the fucking thing to be holding you in.

Nope. You want your own strength to be holding you in. Yeah, to see if you can really physically go through it. Use your own muscles, right? And if you slip, you happen to die. You happen to die. And you make the paper. Don't you want to do that?

You want to be the paper? Cause you're not athletic. You're not going to be able to get like a gold medal on something and then be in the paper. If I die, I'll just haunt you both. She said that too. You said that in the car as well. You said you would haunt us when you die?

Yeah. And I go, she goes, I go, what are you going to do? She goes, I'm going to kill you. And I go, I go, name me one person in your personal life. Right? I asked her two questions. Name me one person in your personal life that you know that was killed by a ghost.

I can't. The second question is, name me anybody from the history of this planet that was ever been killed by a ghost. I'll be the first. Oh, she wants to be the first. She wants to be the first. How can you kill us from the beyond?

Do you have a strategy? Have you thought about that? You have a weak spirit. Do you know that? Think how much rest your spirit's going to need to kill us. You're going to be sleeping in the afterlife. Yeah. Hammersmith ghost murder case.

Oh, shit, it is real. Oh, shit, I didn't know it was real. Wait, go back to the other page. How funny is this? The other headline, right below. My husband died and now his ghost wants anal. That, I agree, that I believe. Yeah, yeah.

If you show stuff in our butts, then I think that'd be funny. Don't kill us, but if we wake up with hot dog in our butt. Because I believe when you're in heaven, Christian rules still apply. You got to be good up there. Don't you think Christian, if Christian's rules apply here on earth,

in heaven it does. Of course. So we can't just free nilly, you know what I mean? Be flying around as an angel with my dick hanging out. I mean, you of all angels could get away with that. You would get a laugh. It would get a lot of laughs. Just the meat flying by people's clouds.

I mean, think about the guy playing the harp just like, right. You fly by with your penis out. I know, but then the next thing you know, I'm on the side now to him. I'm doing a little like gyration. Oh, and your penis is playing the harp. They don't like it.

Yeah, they don't like it. They'll bail. Yeah, they don't like it. But I mean, look, go to the Hammersmith case. I want to see that. That looked real. Was that so? No, look, it's a ghost murder case.

Oh, this one. 1804, set a legal precedent in the UK regarding self-defense. If someone that could be held liable for their actions, even there are the consequence of mistaken belief. Okay, ghosts from November. A number of people in the Hammersmith area claimed to have seen and attacked by a ghost.

Local people said the ghost of a man who committed suicide the previous year and had been buried at the Hammersmith churchyard. Oh, this is nothing. This is real. It's real? On December 29th, William Gurdler, Gurdler, a night watchman,

saw the ghost while near Beaver Lane of all places and gave it a chase. He was chasing Beaver in the middle of the night. I love Beaver Lane. Everyone's chasing Beaver in the middle of the night. You've been to Beaver Lane, right? A bunch of times. Dude, me and my friends in high school,

we used to go to, it was in England. Yeah, Beaver Lane in England. In England, we would travel to England to Beaver Lane, right? And it has to be at a certain hour at the night. I would bring my utensils. Your fork and knife. Fork and knife, you know what I mean? When I'm eating Beaver.

When I'm eating Beaver, I do have to have a fork and a knife. Do you have a napkin? No, I put a napkin, yeah. You do? I do all the utensils in the right area. You know what I mean? You know how there's two knives, one's for salad?

Two forks, you mean? Two forks, I mean. Salad, fork, or regular fork? I do the whole thing. Do you have a soup spoon, too? Yeah, of course I do. Of course you have all the Kuchimang. There's liquid in the Beaver.

Well, how do you like your Beaver cooked? What? Raw! Yeah, raw Beaver. Yeah, no cook. I'm medium well. Oh, you like the edges a little darker? Crispy.

Ah! Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little crispy. Yeah. Well, look at he gave me a chase. Well, the crispyness could be the discharge. Who knows? Yeah, because when discharge dries,

I don't know how they cook Beaver. I don't know how they cook the Beaver. I tell you, I don't know how they cook Beaver. You've been cooking Beaver? Yeah. You get a buck Beaver, right? Yeah. That's a little discharging.

Yeah. Right? He's frying, frying, frying. We did such a good metaphor for a second. I know. That went right into it. I know. You fry a Beaver, though.

What do you do? You do pan fry it? I'm telling you, man. Oh, okay. Right? You don't want to put too much grease. Too much oil is bad. Because the veg, the beef.

The beef. Sorry, the beef, right? Has moisture in it already. Of course it does. So you use its natural moisture as the fucking sizzling, as the frying element. There's fat in there. Imagine you're cooking up some Beaver

and you get a pop right in your eye. A little pop. That'd be terrible. It's a sizzling quiff. It's what they call them. Sizzling quiffs? The Sizzly Quiffs. Yeah, because the air bubble,

either veg fry, when it's fried. When it's fried. Fries are right in your face. Oh, you got yourself a sizzling quiff there, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, this guy, he chased it. What the fuck are we talking about? London didn't have an organized police at the time.

Did you go back to this? So Gildler, I want to find out the death. Who gives a shit about this? Because Thomas Millwood died. All right, let's go back. You're going to love the second part. At the corner of Beaver Lane, at the corner of Beaver Lane,

while making rounds around 1030, and January 3rd, 1804, Gildler met one of the armed citizens patrolling the area, they had a shotgun, and guess what? What? After hearing this, him and the neighbor, John Locke, on the corner, that he was agitated, he ended up being dead.

He found himself foaming at the mouth, filled with beaver juice on Beaver Lane. Is this beaver juice on there? Beaver juice? I can't read that. Go down, he can't read it, that's why I have to make up that stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.

Look, he died. This guy died at the hands of a gunshot from a ghost, on Beaver Lane. So a gun. A ghost killed him with his own gun. A ghost picked up a fucking real gun. Examinant pronounced to be dead, the gunshot wound on the left side is lower jaw

with a small shot, about a number, a size number four of which had had penetrated the vertebrae of the neck and injured the spinal marrow. He got shot by a ghost with his own gun. That's crazy. On Beaver Lane. It's insane. You don't buy this?

Do you believe this? Yeah. She does. You buy it. Of course. Because this shit happens in the Sibu all the time, probably. Maybe, so if the ghost can hold a gun,

I can hold a knife. Yeah, that is very true. That's a nice point. That's an interesting point. And I'm really a little nervous. So now we're getting to a point where I believe you now. I know. If you can hold a gun, you can hold a knife.

But it depends on how strong the ghost was when it was alive. When the human, you know, you might have to have extra, extra strength to be able to hold something heavy in the afterlife. Maybe it's based on hatred. It's based on hatred. That is very true.

What level of hatred do you have for us? If I die? Yeah. Yeah. 100. Okay. Because theoretically, if you can hold a gun as a ghost, you can hold a knife as a ghost.

You can also then hold your own penis then. Do you have penises when you're ghost? Do ghosts have penises? I do. You have a ghost penis? I'm gonna ask for it. Do you think in if the normal life, you don't get a big penis in the afterlife,

you do get one? And vice versa? I hope there's a store. The comedy store? No, like there's a penis store in heaven. Oh, a penis shop. Well, I wanted to like, re-buy. I wanted to like, re, you know what I mean?

What I didn't get in the first, the first pass. They're like, Bobby, on earth, we didn't bless you, but up here, you're getting blessed. Oh, I'll get, I'll get, if I had, there was a store, I'll have Channing Tatum's torso, please. Oh, you get to pick all of your parts? The whole body. You get to pick your parts.

I'll have fucking Gwyneth Paltrow's eyes. Ooh. Right? Tatum's body, Paltrow's eyes. Yeah, Harry Styles lips. Beautiful. You would like that, right? Beautiful lips.

Yeah, yeah. I would have the penis, Idris Alba. But we don't know what it looks like, bud. I don't care. Okay. Because I'll just tell people, it's his dick. It's Idris Alba's dick. Yeah.

Right. No matter what it looks like, they're like, it's a celebrity. You know what I mean? That's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a good actor, you know what I mean? Who's butt?

Who's butt? Oh, butt. J-Lo. J-Lo's butt. Yeah. But butt hole is different. Who's butt hole? Whew.

Justin Martindale. I like it loose. Loose goose. Loose goose. I like my butt hole loose. Whoa. Yeah, yeah. You can do didgeridoo in my butt hole.

Wow, wow, wow, wow. Okay, you pick your body parts in the afterlife. Who are you doing? You walk into the store. Somebody says, okay, welcome to the afterlife store. Pick your parts. I wanna be Kendall Jenner. That all her parts?

You just wanna be her? We went down the list. Maybe with a bigger butt. Like. You just wanna be Kendall Jenner in the afterlife. Yeah. Big butt. Why don't you go to the animal department?

That's what I do. I would go to the human. Everything Kendall, right? Kendall Jenner, you said? Yeah. Right? Then go to the animal department. Give me the rhino butt.

Rhino butt. Yeah. You have a big gray ass. I want Kim Kardashian's butt. I want that black guy that's sent around that meme, that black guy with the long penis. You know that meme that always gets sent around? Oh, with the big, the big thick.

Oh, that guy? That guy that died? You want his? I want his penis. I want Kim Kardashian's butt. I want. I want, who's face do I want? Imagine.

Whose eyes do I want? You know who I want? Alexander Dodario's eyes. Have you seen her eyes? Yeah. But like piercing blue. Pretty good, pretty good. And then whose hair do I, who's long, flowy?

Oh, what's his name? What's the old sex romance novelist? What was the old? Fabio. Fabio. Fabio. And Fabio's long, beautiful hair. Wow.

I wanna be Fabio with a big butt. Fabio with a big butt and a big black penis. Also blue eyes. I wanna throw, I want Freddy Krueger arm. You want one crazy hand? Yeah, I want one Freddy. I mean, we can go any, we, think of it as a heaven. Yeah, you can have anything.

You can have anything you want. Do you get to change or once you pick your in? You have props as well. I'll have a harp. Oh, you're carrying around a harp all day? That's heavy. Freddy Krueger hand. And a harp.

Harp. Bing, bang, bang, bang, bang, every time. Yeah, you would break the, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Every time you go to play. You would break the shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Angel Bobby. Bing, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

So hilarious. Do you have any props in the afterlife, Kendall? I want. Kendall Jules? Taco. Oh, taco for sure. So even when you eat it, another one just appears? That's true.

Well then you're making the assumption that Mexicans go to heaven. I don't think they do. I don't think they do. I don't know. I just want their food. I get it. Do you think there's a border wall in heaven as well

that they have to get over them? So wait, you want a taco? That just, it's a continual taco. Every time you get, it comes back. In one hand, what's in the other hand? Just my hand so I can. You need a regular hand. This guy didn't plan.

He wants a harp and a fucking knives. Bro, the harp isn't attached to the hand. And yet it is. Yep, it's not an extension of the hand. It's something I'm holding. No, yes it is though. Oh, I made an extension harp hand. It's an extension harp hand.

So it's constantly. You have to. And think I have you that. Constantly just breaking that. Good luck touching your penis with a harp hand or knives. I fucked it up. Yeah, that's it. I fucked it up.

How about no prop? I think you gotta keep it. No Freddy Kruegerlangen. All right. All right, thank you. I have a regular hand. You have one regular. We all need one regular hand.

I want one that's a, remember in Beetlejuice when he turns into that big thing and he's got those two hammers. I want one of those big sledge hammers like from the Carnival ride that, bing! You know that thing? Oh yeah, you want one of those? I want one of those.

So if anybody makes me mad, oh, you know, I can just, I can fuck it. I can kill him right there. One free hand and then that. One free hammer hand. That's one of my favorite scenes when he does that. That's what I want a hammer hand. Who's that?

That's when I'm Beetlejuice becomes that guy. Look at those big beautiful hammers. Don't you want one? One weapon. Door dash! Andy, Andrew, you're my friend. When I go to Hawaii, I only use door dash. When I go on the road, I only use door dash.

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Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started. I'm still stuck on this idea that you'd kill us. I feel like we've been so nice to you all these. Yeah. I said if I die because of you, I'll kill you. How would we kill you? How would we let you die?

Oh, you mean at the roller coasters? But that's kind of your fault, not really ours. No, because I said I don't want to go. All right, we'd make you go. But I guess, you know. But you swim with sharks. Yeah, that's way more dangerous. I'm still scared of the rides.

They don't have those kind of things in the Philippines. You don't have- Life is a roller coaster in the Philippines. Yeah. That's scary enough. It's got a regular bus, you could die. When you take, when there's city buses, is it scary when you just take a sit?

Yeah, it is. Are there like, do people like, you know you see those videos on the internet and there's a guy just pulls his penis out and he just jerks off on the bus and they have to like let him do it. Never seen that before. I've seen that.

See? Where? Dude, this happens all the time. In person. And they can't, and you can't say no. People just like, let it happen. Wait, wait, I'm on a bus. Minding my own business.

I have to go to CVS. I need a destination when I'm doing the CVS. Sure, CVS, I get it. No, I totally get it. So what am I getting? I'm getting- Too paced, for sure. No.

Fuck no. You're out. All right. I need one of those like- Just pick it up, will ya? No, no, no, no. Okay, fine. I will not.

What do you need? Chest, like one of those like menthol chest rubs. Oh, oh, vapor rub. Exactly. Got it. I get it. What do you, are you sick? No, I just like them.

Oh, you just wanted to- I like the sensation on my chest. Will you give me some Epsom salt while you're there? The lavender one, the big bag. You like Epsom? Love Epsom salt. Dude, do I not love Epsom salt? It's my favorite.

It's my- Do you ever use it? I have bags in it. Oh my God. But I use it for my foot. You soak your feet in it. No. What?

No. What do you do? Bob? It's not a thing. Well, you're gonna go now. Okay, so you know how my legendary left foot. Mm-hmm. You know about it?

Yeah, I think everybody on earth knows about it. So about three months ago, Kalyla was unwoken by it. They had a mind of its own at Wilker. No, he didn't go, wake up. Can I have it? No, it doesn't do that. I was scratching it late at night. With your hand or your other foot?

I do both. Because I rub my feetsies together sometimes. No, use my hand. And what I used to do is it's so gross, but I used to peel the skin off of it. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah.

I ate two hours before the show, knowing that this might, something might come out. Yeah. And when she was just like, she looked at me in the night, and she's like, it's really gross, right? And I go, yeah, I think I'm done. So I stopped doing it.

My foot is almost healed. Really? Yeah. You finally don't have any scabbing or anything anymore? It does no more itch. Wow. And I've been using epsom salt.

And that's been helping? Yes. Wait, you soak it, right? You just soak it. No, I take the crystals. Right, the epsoms. Right, and if I have in between the toes an itchy feeling, like a little red bump

with the itchiness, I take fucking epsom salt, right? And I put it on that little red thing on the skin and I start rubbing it until it bleeds. Wait, that's not a good idea? Yeah, I do. Why would you do that? Because it feels so fucking good. Until it bleeds?

Yeah, and I need, once I scrub it, it feels so, and then it gets numb almost. Yeah. And then the feeling goes away. And that's helping? It feels great. I don't know if that's in the directions. It feels good though.

What is, look up epsom salt. I definitely don't think you're supposed to do that. I think you're supposed to just put it in hot water, let it soak. And I don't know what it means by the way, what is epsom. Go to like what it is. Go to like Wikipedia of what it is.

Look at it, it's soaked. No, you don't know, it's a special kind of salt. It's deep sea, man. Is it just deep sea? It's deep sea salt, man. It's magnesium sulfate. From the deep. But what is so special about it?

I don't. Oh, it's MGS04. That's what it is, the MG4 aspect of it. MGS04, that makes sense. That's what attacks the fungi. I can't believe you don't use it. It feels so good at night. You guys, you have a bath, don't you have a bathtub?

What do you use it for? I don't think she doesn't listen. You don't listen to her. We talk for five minutes. I just listen to T2 Bobby rubbing it on his foot. Yeah, you can do that. And what else? You can fill up a bathtub and turn up hot water

and do that, you can also smoke it. Some people smoke it. You never smoked bath salts? You never heard of this? Oh, you gotta smoke it. You gotta smoke it. Or snort it. That's also fun, but you gotta crush it up a little bit.

He gotta crush it up a bit. Have you tried it? Oh yeah. She wants the salts. Yeah, I get hungry for flesh. I've eaten a guy's whole, have you ever known this? People eat faces. There's a guy that ate a guy in Florida on bath salts.

Do you know that? You never heard of this? We used to do it all the time, Andrew and I used to go to Florida all the time and take fucking bath salts. Tampa, baby. Look it up. Bath salts, no believe us. Bath salt guy eats man's face.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've never heard of this at all? No. It used to be a vacation thing to do in the 90s. Yeah. Face eating attack prompted by bath salts. It's crazy to think that that's what causes people to do it. Have you ever been on any drug that made you want to get

violent towards somebody else, Bob? No. Never. I've taken a lot of drugs over the years. I've never had one that made me even think about harming somebody. Yeah, I've never done that. Actually, you know the only thing that does make me think

that way is booze and that's the most legal. Yeah. Booze is the only time I've ever been in a fist fight or an aggressive argument. I've never been on drugs and gotten aggressive with somebody. Well, in my times before when I was loading stuff, I like to go cheek to cheek with people. I like touching cheeks with people.

I thought you meant butt to butt. No, no, no, no. Facial. But that's sweet and soft. Yeah, and I like to whisper sweet nothings in their ear. What would you say? Hi. My hi's are great.

Hi. Hi. Hi. Right? And they go hi. Right? Who are you? Look at them at a bar.

And you go shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Right? So somebody's sitting in a bar, ordered a drink. I'm behind. Put my arms around them. Stick my mouth by their ear. Is it guy? Whatever.

Okay. And they go, what the fuck, bro? Stop touching me like that. Don't touch me, don't. Yeah, yeah. I always go, you want to wrestle. Did you wrestle people? What?

Would you wrestle people in the bar? Oh, yeah. You just start going in the bar. Dude, when you, I was on the wrestling team and if you whisper things in their ear, you have the advantage. Because they feel like they're inferior? I was on acid once, I was on the wrestling tournament.

And I was touching this guy's body, I was on top. Yeah. And I whisper in his ear, I go, my body feels so weird. Right? And he goes, what? And I remember being able to like pin him cause he wanted to get it over with.

Cause he was so scared and weirded out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you guys ever grab, be honest, cause I know nothing about wrestling. Did you ever grab each other's penis? Is that a thing that happens? Do you use it? Let me tell you why I asked.

I've been on top of a guy. Yeah. You're wearing singlets. I know, I've seen him, yeah. And I've been on top of a guy and I've had the wrists like this, right? This is my bedroom. This is an arrest.

You had a wrestling match. Yeah, yeah, but I wear singlets at home, you know what I mean? No, but when you do this and you're in your singlet, cause you're not wearing an underwear. So I've pressed my genitals with their genitals through the singlets before. To feel good? Yeah, pretty good, pretty good.

It does. Yeah. Any organ against your organ? Anything. It feels good. Foot, arm. Yeah. You were at the club last night?

Yeah. I went and had dinner across the street at that Pendry Hotel. Was it good? Holy fuck, it was amazing. What'd you go with? Your friends? Friends, no, friends, a bunch of friends.

Actually, you know what I was gonna say to you. I don't wanna bring that down, but did you know, Matt, Billon, that passed away? I knew him. That's so sad. Yeah, death in comedy is... Common. Yeah, cause we're human beings and we all die.

No, but I feel like there's a lot of death in comedy. I feel we lose people all the time. Yeah, it's super sad. But he was a really good kid and also somebody told me, somebody told me today, you can Google this, another guy, Matt Price, maybe his name, he was a comic and a magician.

I know Matt Price. Well, he's gone. Not Matt Price, Skippy from... No, this is another guy. That's Mark Price. Mark Price. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at this, Matthew Price was a 27 year old magician,

comedian from Lehigh Acres. He was gunned down on Sunday in LA. Dude, he was going to a convenience store and got shot. There's no motive. He was killed, robbed and killed. What the fuck is going on? Is that crazy? I didn't know this man,

but someone else told me about it today and I was like, what the fuck is going on? By the way, if you're going to rob me, just take my shit. Don't kill me. Just take all my stuff. Yeah. Why kill if you're going to rob me? Just rob me.

I think when chaos and stuff like that is happening, I feel like, do you have a good street sense? Yeah, yeah. I feel like my street sense is okay. I have very good street sense. But also, you don't know where you are sometimes. In the sense of- Part of my street sense.

No, no, but I'm just saying, you don't know what's going on sometimes. Wait, wait, you're saying that I don't know if chaos is going on. No, no, no. If I'm in a fucking grocery store and three guys come in with machine guns, I wouldn't know what to do.

I feel like it's less blatant. I feel like if people came in and started something, not with machine guns, but started some kind of hostage robbery thing, I don't think you'd know what to do. That's so real. What's your first move? Pretend I'm dead.

There you go. That's a good one. You don't want to help? Well, we'll help. Who are you gonna help? First, you gotta assess the situation. I'm buying oatmeal. Why?

Because I love oatmeal. But what kind? I like Irish. Oh, Irish oats. Yeah, I like Irish oats. Steel cut oats. I love steel cut. Thank you.

You're welcome. Very good stuff. Supporting my people. So I'm in the fucking Irish, I'm getting Irish oatmeal, right? And I hear what? No guns you're saying? No guns, but they come and you start hearing rumblings.

So like, I think these guys are tying people up. The meat is what, I lay on my belly, I throw in all the Irish oats I can find. On top of you. On top of me. Right. So I'm just like, ah, right. So I can create like a pile.

A mound of Irish oats. Of Irish oats, right? Right. And then I'll stick one arm on, right? And hopefully there's ketchup around. Oh, you got it. That's a part of my plan. Is that in the same aisle?

I don't know. I don't think ketchup and oats are in the same aisle. I would crawl. You'd crawl to the ketchup. To get the ketchup aisle. To go to the ketchup aisle. Yeah. But I would still hold some of the Irish,

you know what I mean? Oats? Oats on my body. Got it. For the camouflage. Got it. So I'll be just crawling with a bunch of like, Irish oats.

Look at that round Irish oats shirt. Right, right, right. Get to the ketchup aisle. I stick one and I would just pour ketchup on it. And then lay there. And lay there and do the convulsions. So you're not dead? Yeah.

I don't have guns. They're probably thinking to themselves, why is that guy acting like that? What is he doing? Well, you're crazy. He's just, yeah, I'm just imagined with ketchup. Oh, it's on my body, right? Jake and they're just going, what is he doing?

They'd probably hire you. They'd be like, you want to be on our team? This guy's out of his fucking mind. That's my job? Yeah. You then, that's the best job. Wait, let me tell you something. If guys came in and they took people hostage,

but they saw that you were crazy, or they liked you and they were like, Bobby Lee. And they're like, hey man, look, we're either going to kill everyone in here and take them hostage or are you going to be on our team? You going to start killing people with them? I would. Ooh, what a scenario.

This is a good scenario. What I would do is I would pretend. Pretend you're going to kill people. Yeah. I would go through the motions, but not really do it. But the big dog is like, I want to see him do it to make sure we can trust him. Oh, so they're holding a woman down,

like an 80-year-old woman down? She's 96. What kind of weapon do they give me? A club, a Billy club. Oh, fuck, that's hard. You got to beat them. You can't stab them or shoot them. You got to beat this 96-year-old woman.

I would do this. Check this out. I'm the 96-year-old woman, right? I learned this in wrestling, like pro wrestling, right? So I would go, I would put my foot down as if I'm hitting the body, right? Puh. Am I doing it?

You're doing it. I'm telling the guy. I'm doing it, right? Because I keep going, right? But what's really happening is she's going, what are you doing? Why are you doing that? See, she wouldn't move.

Oh, because she's not even getting hurt. She doesn't know. Then I whisper. Just play it a bit. And she goes, I got it. All right, all right. Thank you. And then.

What do I have in this hand? What is in that hand? Catch up. All right. Catch up. Squirt, right? Squirt, right? Bleeding.

I'm bleeding and now I'm dying. Right, right. Okay, so then they believe you. I guess that makes perfect sense. Thank you. If these people came into the grocery store, Rudy, and they said, you got to be on our team and kill people, or we're going to kill you,

what are you going to do? Is he going to follow me with me? No. No, you're alone. You're alone. Why? You're alone in the grocery store. How about this?

How about you're in the ketchup aisle, right? I'm in the fucking Irish outside, right? We both have to get the same thing, right? So both our bodies at one point, we're crawling by each other. Just two snakes on the ground. We're crawling by each other. She's already got ketchup on her body.

And I go, where are you going, you're coming. I'm going to the Irish aisle. I go, why can't you use the prince fucking bottom bed? Why do you have to get the Irish oath? He's like, I need the Irish oath. That's my thing. No, but it helps me. Find other boxes.

Yeah. That'd be crazy. So if he's with you, you're going to, if he's, let's say you're alone. Would you start killing people for the hostage people? These are criminals, man. These are bad guys. Yeah, maybe I'll just kill one.

You would kill one person to stay in the crew? Yeah. But what if you liked it? And they were like, isn't it fun? And you're like, kind of. Then I'll stick with them. You'll stick around. How easy would she be in a gang?

She'd be so good in a gang. Because she's a yes person. She's down. So just do it. She's just down to do it. Yeah. Could you be in a gang? I think the perks would be amazing.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't kill anybody. What if you don't need to kill? What if you just need to? I'll be a runner. Like a drug mule? Yeah. Like you have to put all this coke in your butt and fly to.

Yeah, I would do that. Would you do that? Yeah. How much coke? That's like a pound and a half. Of coke in my butt? Is that doable? What's the most amount of coke someone swallowed in balloons?

Have you ever seen people used to swallow balloons? Well, heroin for prisons and stuff, I've seen that. But or coke. People used to swallow balloons of coke. They did? And then they'd have to poop them out when they get to where they're going. Yeah.

What happens if it doesn't come out? You'd be scared? Well, if one breaks, you're dead. If one breaks, it's over, you're dead. But if I eat a bunch of cocaine that's in a balloon, it doesn't dissolve in my belly. A man swallowed nearly three pounds of cocaine on 148 pellets.

Investigators say, Errol Simpson, 41 of Jamaica, swallowed 148 pellets containing cocaine that weighed nearly three pounds. Three fucking pounds of cocaine were in his body. He was arrested earlier this month at Fort Lauderdale, Hollywood International Airport. Wow. Oh my god.

That guy's a champ. Is it? Yeah. Three pounds of cocaine? That's a lot of money, right? I mean, how much is that worth? I don't know. I'm not good at that.

How much is three pounds of cocaine worth? I mean, that's just a, well, let's take a guess. Three pounds of cocaine? What's a pound? Let me just weigh it with my hand. There it is. That looks exactly like a pound. That's a pound right there.

That's a pound, right? This is worth $12,000. A pound of cocaine? Is worth $12,000? I don't know. I've never bought cocaine. Well, me neither. I know.

That's why this is a good experiment. I would say it's over $100,000. I would say, yeah. One pound? Oh no, I'm thinking about what he did. Three pounds. Oh, one pound, I bet you. One pound is like $70,000.

How much is a pound of cocaine? $70,000. Do one pound. Do one pound of cocaine worth. I say $70,000. What does Rudy say? 15? 15 Gs.

12 Gs, 15. I say $75,000. All right, let's see. Street prices on cocaine. Cocaine retail, that's so funny. Oh, the fucking crap. What the fuck is going on here? Who did that?

Let's just go to Reddit. Reddit always knows. Prices range from 12 Gs to 35 Gs per kilo. What's a kilo? 2.2 pounds. 2.2 pounds. Oh, so I was closest. Yeah, but look, but then it says, however the price

of kilogram of cocaine range from, man, this is tough. I haven't done cocaine since high school. So if I did one pound of cocaine right now, would I die? Pretty sure. The average amount of cocaine that someone can do can't be close to a pound. The most cocaine you, what's the most cocaine somebody can do in one sitting?

Have you ever done cocaine, Rudy? Have you ever been offered cocaine? Don't ever do it. Don't ever do it. Because a fentanyl, you can't do it. No, it's so bad. It's so bad. Have you ever been offered cocaine at a party?

No one's ever said, hey, do you want a bumper? Do you want to go ski in? No. No one used Co's words on you? No. Hey, Brownie, have you ever seen white? Oxy cotton, you can. You can do oxy, we're OK with that.

Yeah, that's insane that we're approving her to do oxy. But marijuana is OK for you to use. We're OK with that in mushrooms. We're OK with that, yeah. But nothing else, or ketamine, ketamine we're OK with. What is ketamine again? Special K. Yeah.

You never did that? No. When you were using? I did, I did, what's that, not Molly, but the other one, ecstasy. So it's kind of the same thing. Kind of. MDMA is like the purest form of ecstasy.

Yeah, when I did ecstasy once, I started masturbating in public. Just outside? Yeah, at the Bellagio. In Vegas? Yeah. What the fuck? And then I, Baron Holtz, had to drag me to my hotel room by my hair.

And just watch you jerk off? No, he just dragged me through the fucking hotel to get me into my fucking hotel room. Wait, were you doing like a mad promo there? Yeah, no, we used to go to Vegas a lot. You know, after like a season wrap, we would just all go, right? And take a trip. Would you gamble?

Oh, yeah. You did? What did you play? Dude, can I tell you the worst? So I'm so mad at Adam, Adam, did Adam ever tell you the story? Adam Egan? No, Adam Ray. Oh, no, what happened?

So he opens for me in Fort Lauderdale. And there's a Casino there, right? And I'm just fucking around. Now, I don't have my ID. Why? I just didn't have it. Oh, right. Right.

I had an expired driver's license. So I'm sitting there, and I'm just fucking around between shows or whatever. And then I click the thing, and all the bells and whistles go off. Like on a slot machine? Yeah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Things are fucking, you know? And now I'm going, what the fuck? I don't have my ID. They're coming now. Right. So I'm texting Adam Ray, going, get over here right now, because I don't have my ID. They're not going to give me the money.

So you have to come here and pretend that you won this. Right. To claim the money. But he is chasing girls. You know how they do that? So the lady comes up to me, she goes, all right, well, congratulations you made. I think I'm going, like, $35,000.

Holy shit. And she goes, the ID. And I go, I don't have it. She's like, you can't get the money. So I go, what the fuck, crazy. I'm playing here at the fucking casino. Yeah. So I ended up going to some office or some chief.

Oh, the chief was there. Yeah, he's like, you have to go. Hello, Bobby. Bobby, you have to go. I heard you, what? Grab your ID, fly back, and then we'll give you the money. Really? Yeah.

Did you do that? No. You just left the $35,000 on the table. I left the money. What a fucking bomber, dude. Adam's fault. It is. Adam owes me $35,000.

Does he know about this? Does he know that he'll cost you $35,000? You should call him and tell him. Yeah, I should ask him. I can't believe. That's insane that he fucked that up for you. He fucked it up for me. And was that the last time he ever opened for you?

Yep. It was. Well, when you lose $35,000 from an opener, I mean, that awfully does something to the relationship. I mean, here we go. Adam Ray. Let's hear what he's got to say about it. All right.

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You might not pick up, huh? Oh, there it is. Bobby Lee. Adam, you're on BADFRIENDS right now. Oh, what's up, guys? You caught me halfway through a dinner where my stepdad was pitching me a movie about guys who have Benjamin Button's disease in space.

So in time. That's a great fucking movie. How high are you guys? Yeah. Are you guys high? I'm a little bit of an edible. I'm at a family dinner at my folks place. And yeah, it's a lot right now.

It's a lot. My mom literally told me if I wanted some of the juice in the bowl of mushrooms on my rice, that I could reach for it and put it on my fucking rice. Can you guys buy me a ticket back to LA? I'm literally, you caught me fired up, baby. All right, Adam. I called you for a specific incident that you and I had.

Do you remember when you opened for me in Fort Lauderdale? Oh, yeah. And I was, yeah, I'll take it from here, Bobby. So we were in Fort Lauderdale. Jealous in Tino? Yeah. You're going to Danny as soon. Yeah, I'm going to be there.

All right, let's plug those dates real quick. I've already been there when this comes out. Great, great, great. Man, you had so much fun in there. It was so fun, dude. I loved it. I loved it. Get to the story!

So Bobby and I are doing the Fort Lauderdale Improv. It's awesome. There's, as you know, hard rock, like Vegas-style strip of restaurants and nightclubs. You see a lot of guys named Brandon looking to fight. Guys named Tyler. We went to Marjano's and got all the food. I love that place.

It was where I learned truly, Bobby. And, you know, I'll go on record saying this. Best guy that I ever went on the road with. You fucking just was like, we're going to eat. This is the thing we're doing. I'm buying everything on the menu. Take a couple bites. Take it with you.

Take it to the green room. Give it to a bum. Give it to a girl who's trying to hook up with a bum. And just let's just spread the wealth. And we got everything. So then we go to the shows. We do the shows. I meet a girl there.

And I'm, you know, at this point, feeling pretty good. Andrew, I did about 28 minutes of comedy. Four were great. And I'm now in the casino. And Bobby, I think I'm going to go hang out with this girl in the room. Bobby, am I still telling the right story? I guess.

We hope. OK. And then Bobby, Bobby was gambling as he does. But this time it was offstage. And so he's going to attack her for no reason. It was a fucking hassle. He starts getting what they call in the gambler's world a hot streak.

And I think it maybe, I want to say maybe you won 10 to 15 thousand dollars. No, it was like 30, it was like 30 grand. Yeah, that sounds way too high. Let's go with, let's go with 13. Let's go with, let's do 20 grand. 20. Let's say, let's, let's, let's, let's come to terms

on an even 19 five. All right. 19 five, I made 19 thousand dollars. Yeah, go ahead. Go ahead. Yeah, so you, you didn't have your ID if memory serves me. Yeah, you're right. And so, and so he goes, well, I need my buddy, my feature,

my confidant, my pow, the guy I tried to get me to take extends from the gas station with late night dates. I dangled dates over his head and say, hey, if you don't eat these 32 oysters, I know you hate seafood and texture, then you can't go to San Jose, Phoenix and Dallas. It's just dangling a world in front of me. And, and I'm up in the room and, and I'm trying to be

like, you know, just a guy I live in his life. I lost 20 grand. Yeah, so Bobby, Bobby didn't have his ID. He wanted me to come down and pretend I was the guy that won. And, and I was able to receive the phone call and Bobby was furious. Wait, you were hooking up. That's why you couldn't come down.

Yeah. Oh, buddy. I was being a feature. I was being a feature, you know? Well, I hope that was $20,000 worth of pussy because you really fucked it up. Yeah, it was. I mean, look, is it something that I think about

every time I get a call live on a podcast? Yeah. Yeah. I do, I do feel bad about it. I'll tell you that much, you know, I'm a sensitive guy that definitely I didn't care what happened after to you taking me on the road. I felt real bad as a person and a friend.

It's all right. It's okay. It's okay. All right, Adam, thank you. Love you. I love you, buddy. Bye. You know what I, I, you know what I'm rewatching fucking

Sopranos from, from the start. Because of the movie? No, just because I felt, because it's available on HBO now to download and I can download it on my iPad. I forgot how fucking good, it's so good. It's so fucking good. I mean, Gandolfini is unfucking real. Yeah, he's with us.

I'm rewatching every episode from scratch. I started from season one again. I want to do that with a wire as well. Someone else just said that to me, but I liked the wire, but by the end, I was like, mm. Yeah. I kind of cut, I cut me out a little bit. Yeah.

But Sopranos from- It was good all the way through. Look. Dexter was great too. Dexter was great. The thing about Sopranos is, because so much time has passed. When was it first on the air? 2008 is my guess, but that sounds maybe wrong.

Sopranos, but dude, it was so long ago that when you see it, 99, holy fuck. So just, it looks, you know, it's not shot as well as shit is shot today. It's not, there's so many things about it. You're like, wow, if you shot this show today, it would be fucking on, it would be- Unbelievable.

The greatest show that's ever existed. Yeah. And it's already still one of my favorites. But I watched, I've been watching this on the airplane. And Rick and Morty, I got into Rick and Morty. It's pretty good. It's so fucking funny. Inside job too, pretty good.

Inside jobs? Inside job, pretty good. What's inside job? Animation I'm on. Oh, I did see you preview that. I did see you push that. I saw the first episode. You did?

I'm not yet done with it. Is it good? Oh, my buddy Clark Duke is on it. Yeah. It's on Netflix. Yeah. Is that you, the girl? I'm the, no, look at the, no.

Would you show me Bobby Lee's character? You'll be able to tell if you get the group together. It's a chubby little Korean guy? No. That's you with the- That's me. That's funny. That's cute, Bob.

That's cute. That's side by side they did of you and that guy is wonderful. What's the character's name? Dr. Andre? Yep. Dr. Andre. He's just a drug addict doctor. Love it.

Yeah. I love when they pitch that in the room. They're like, who'd be good at this? Bobby. Drug addict, Asian, because doctors are Asian. Oh yeah, Bobby. Yeah. That's fucking great.

That's you. Thank you. Go watch Inside Job. What's that as well? You've never seen it. I don't know what it is. I heard it's good. Have you read any of the scripts or just your lines?

The beginning I did, yeah. How many episodes, 10? Yeah, 10. That's awesome, Bob. But it took years. Yeah, it takes a fucking long time. I just finished one. It's weird.

You get a call and they go, all right, next week, episode 112, 116. And then every year, you just go, it's never going to come out. Yeah. And then it does. I just finished one called Royal Crackers that will come out at the end of next year, I think.

Yeah. Animation takes fucking forever. It takes forever. Forever and ever. Yeah. But I mean, I can't wait to see it. I'm going to watch it. OK, thank you.

Everybody watch. No, don't watch it. It's Netflix. Fucking, they don't need your views, do they? Listen, anything that you're fucking in, I'm going to fucking promote it, all right? I promoted something that I'm in, right? I threw it out there, and you're doing this right now.

Watch Inside Job. All right, I'm saying, you know, you pitched Davey and your road dates and whatnot. I'm fucking pitching a fucking animation show that I didn't work on. You don't even know what it is. I know, but it's on. OK, but you should know what it is.

It's about conspiracy. It's a government. OK, look, I'm a reporter from Variety. Oh, my god. Bobby Lee, thank you for coming today. Tell us all about Inside Job and your character on Inside Job. It's a covert government agency, right? And we deal with conspiracy theories and this and that.

This and that? Yep, and that's what the show's about. What was your favorite part of this show? All right, anyway, don't watch it. Don't watch it. No, watch it. Don't watch Inside Job. Fuck it, let's move on.

Please watch Inside Job. You fucking cocksucker. On Netflix. Fuck you. A place where neither Bobby nor I have a special. Inside Job. Don't you think we're going to get one though? I don't know. I feel like we are.

You think bad friends should have a special on there, for sure. If nothing more. Should we just do a bad friend special? On Netflix? Yeah. I'd be down to do that. Didn't that would help? Help what?

Our emotional stats? You think we'll get another special after that one, or you think? Depends on how good it is. But I think that if you and I did. If we did a bad friend tour. 35 minutes. Bad friends tour slash special, we could put that on Netflix.

I don't know if people would want to see that, but I don't know. I think they would. You do? What do you, Rudy's are, Rudy, what do you think? I don't want to do it. Got it. I do love that. I know.

We're going to make her do it. You're going to do it. You don't have a choice. What am I going to do? What do we do? Sketches. We'll do sketches. We'll do sketches, and you'll play characters.

You don't like wig play? You don't like wig play? Prosthetics. You don't like wig play? You don't like it? You're not a big fan of wig play? No. We're going to make you do it.

Have you ever worn a wig? Yes, she has. On the show, she has. Oh yeah, one time. No, but I mean in your real life. No. Never. Never.

Have you ever worn a wig in your real life? Transformed into somebody else? Disappeared into a character? I used to use the black spray. What is that? To hide the bald spots. Black spray? What's black spray?

There's a black spray, like spray paint? Yeah. Really? Yeah, it works. You don't have bald spots? What are you talking about? It's thinning. Well, every man, every human.

I don't know what I'm going to say, because I kicked out of that hotel. You did? Why did you get kicked out of the hotel? You can say it. I was smoking a cigarette out, and there was only two rooms in the balcony. And I asked for that room.

So you could smoke? So I could smoke cigarettes. Reasonable? I'm out there having a cigarette, like I always do, for years I've been doing this, like a couple years, at this hotel. I hear a fucking two stories up. I'm smoking out there.

I look up, and there's a head coming down, looking down. Hey, this is a no smoking premises. I go, what? Don't, or I'll rat you out. And I go, dude, what the fuck? He's like, yeah, man, I'm warning you. So I had to smoke in the room, because I was afraid. Instead of taking a walk outside.

No, no, no, no. It's five stories up. So now I'm smoking in the room, looking up to see if he's there. But meanwhile, now the hotel room smells. You'd feel like that. And I got a call going, you're banned from the hotel for life. Did they charge you for the smoking in the room? I don't know, I just got one call from a producer.

We had put you in a different hotel, I go, I'm sorry. Because you were smoking in the room? Who cares? Well, you can't smoke inside. This isn't 1986. Dice doesn't. Dice, oh, but it's lit a cigarette at a gate at LAX. And what, recently?

No, about 20 years ago. Yeah, exactly. You can't do that anymore? No, you can't. Why? I would love to go on a plane with you and have you light up a cigarette on an airplane. So when you go through the security checkpoint,

you can't go through it with me. Why? Because you get flagged every fucking time? No, there's always an argument. So these guys have to go in separately. Why do you argue with the security? Ari Shafir. Ari Shafir is working security now?

No, Ari Shafir told me that you don't have to listen to them. You do? They're not the police. I know, but this is what he was trying to get in my head. Because they're not the police. And I go, oh, really? Yeah, they don't really have any rights and power. Right?

So I go, what do I do? He's like, just give them the minimum amount. Why make it harder on you? I know, but what I'm saying is so what I purposely do is I sometimes one time I put a pocket pussy in there and I made it wet. In your suitcase? Yeah, so I put this wet pocket pussy in my fucking crew.

Just so that they could have to take out this wet thing. Sir? Yeah, yeah, and I'm like, you know what I mean? I'm not embarrassed by it. No. So yeah, that's not going to explode. That's Sheila. Right, so they'll do this and they'll put it back in

and that's it. But here's what I don't like. After you go to the security checkpoint, you give them the ID and your fucking boarding pass, right? At that point, don't ask me where I'm going. Yeah, right. So after I do that, when somebody goes, wow, so where are you going?

I always go, it's none of your fucking business. That's where the problem. You're begging for trouble. You're begging for trouble. You're Kyle Rittenhouse on your way around the airport. Ari taught me how to do that. Good example. It's not a good thing.

No. No. Not the guy to follow. Not the guy to follow. So every time I'm there, right, there's always a problem. Why don't you just get the TSA and all that shit and go through it? Do you not have clear?

I have clear. Yeah, you don't have to talk to anybody. You just boop, boop, and you walk right through. Yeah, but sometimes clear, the line is so low that doing it is longer. Sometimes I'll just go the regular way. Really? Let's watch this video.

All right, let's watch it. Yeah. Hell yeah. Load that clip, little girl. Yee! Yee! Oh my gosh. Oh my god.

She's so good with a gun. It's unbelievable. All right, set the bar at 1180 with that one. Let me see what I can do. Well, I'm not robbing that house. That's insane how good that. That girl comes out of nowhere with her glasses on? How old is that kid?

10? It's amazing. How old are kids like that? You're a girl. You're a girl. You're a girl. You're a girl. You're a girl.

You're a girl. You're a girl. How old is that girl? She looks like eight. Eight, Jesus Christ. And she's that good with a gun. That's amazing, but scary. I mean, but cool.

It's very cool. If my daughter was that, I'd be safe. So cool. So cool. She'd protect the house. Yeah. Bring that, put that in your backpack. I go, baby, I hear a noise.

I'm like, baby, get your gun. I send my eight-year-old downstairs to investigate. Yeah. Have you ever shot a gun? I have, yeah. Like a handgun or anything bigger? I've shot machine guns before and handguns. Love machine guns.

I love them. It's so fun. Yeah. I get it that guns are bad, but also have you done it? That's what I always want to say. What was it a human being? I was shooting like a little bottle. Oh, mine was a bunch of human beings.

Oh, I don't know. No, no, no, I shot in a range. Well, I've shot outside too. Yeah, for me, here's a here. It's tough because they're so fun. They're fun. It's so, they're so fun, dude. What do you mean fun?

It's tough to be when people are like against guns. I'm like, I know, but they're so fun. They're fun until you get hit by one. Well, I've never been shot. I know. I'm sure. You've never been shot? I know.

Well, I wonder what I would be like. I watch movies and people get shot. I wonder how I would react. What? This is it, man. I know, but who are you? I can't do this anymore. I know, but who are you?

I'm me. And it's you. Oh, Andrew? Yeah. It's so dark here. I didn't. Yeah. I've been meaning to talk to you for a while.

I understand that. But can I ask you a question? I can't do this anymore. I understand that. But before you pill that, can I ask you a question? Sure. Does this mean the podcast is over? Oh, OK.

Bang! And then, so what I would do is. What do you do if I shoot you? Well, do it again. Just do it again. Do it again. Hey. Yeah.

Do it. You want to die? Well, I mean. Bang! Ah. Ah. Are you coming? Ah.

Oh my god, you're coming. Why did you do that? Because, Bobby. All those months on the podcast. Do it again. Wait a minute. Do it again. Bang!

Ah! Oh! Wait, are you touching your skin? Yes! Yes! Bang! I'm almost there. Shoot one on the dick.

Shoot one on the dick. Shoot one on the dick. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. That's how it works. Shoot me in the dark alley. All right, all right. Shoot me. Hey, you little pissing-anity little pissing-anity little

pissing-anity. Bobby, what are you doing? You little pissing-anity nut squash. All these years together, what are you doing? Shut up! No, Bob! I'm your captain. All right.

I'm the one with the gun. You piss-anity little trollop. Bobby, look at him. Does that hurt you when I call you a trollop? Look at the gun. Oh, shit. Look at it. Yeah, yeah.

There's no bullets in there. Pop! Dead. Dead. They find you like this with expression, with a smile. On the news. A bad friend shot today. Yeah.

Kill her. What? Kill her. Shoot her for sure. I don't think that's how I'd kill her. How would you kill her? You like Boba? Oh, poison Boba.

Yeah, poison Boba, dude. She bites into one. Well, I put little tiny explosives in each one. That's what I mean. When you crack into it, it'll explode right in your mouth. Ooh, that would be such a good way to kill her. And then she shows up at bad friends with just- No jaw.

No jaw. No jaw. No jaw. Just a nose and eyes. Just like, yeah. You know what I would do? I would train dogs. I would train dogs to attack.

And then I'd tell you that I got some dogs for you to foster. And then I would have them attack you to death. Yeah, you'd never see that coming. You'd go, come here little boy. And they would eat you alive. That's mean. You talked about killing us at the beginning of this podcast. Didn't she?

Yeah, let me ask you something in Game of Thrones. The whole time. Remember what's his name got eaten by dogs in Game of Thrones? Who? I didn't see it. Ramsay. Ramsay. You never saw Game of Thrones?

Never. Why? It's so good. I think the creator creeps me out. No, it's so good. Peter. Peter Shelling? Peter Shelling?

I don't know what you're talking about. The creator of Game of Thrones. What's his name? Yeah. Have you seen that guy? You mean the writer? What's his name again? He created a video.

George R.R. Martin. Yeah, he's so creepy. I know. But he scares me. Look at a photo of this guy. This is why I couldn't watch it. Like a dirty sea sails, like a fucking sea captain. What?

This guy has, he's got. Yeah, he doesn't look. He looks scary and scary. No, he looks like he's the guy in the lighthouse. I can't, yeah, well, he's like the combination of the guy from Up. He was like Ed Asner's character. Yeah.

I just feel like he does bad stuff. Yeah. I don't know. He looks so scary to me. I couldn't watch it. I didn't want to fund him. I didn't want to buy him more hats. That's really what it was.

I didn't want to fund his hat. Oh, well, that's good to. Anyway, Ramsay gets eaten by dogs and then what? He just has his own dogs, right? And they eat him? What he does is use the dogs to eat other people. That's what he would use as a punishment. And at the end, they wrap him up.

And they don't feed the dogs for like a week. His own dogs. And there's a scene where his dogs walk into this little dungeon, I guess. And he's tied up bleeding. And a dog comes and licks his face, his own dog. And then they just fucking start biting chunks of his face off. I love that.

Isn't that the best? That's dope. See, that's what we would do to you, Root. Yeah. You keep threatening me. And you see, I've got some stuff planned for you. That's the difference between dogs and cats. If it were cats, they eat people.

They would be harder, though. Yeah, but cats eat their owners. If they find them dead, they find cats eating their owners. Oh, yeah. I've heard of that, yeah. A cat will just eat. A dog typically won't eat the owner if it's dead. Or when a dog loses its master and waits at the graveyard

or when they do all that. See, that's why they're so sweet. Yeah. Jules, what have you been doing? What's been going on in your world? As schools out, you're not doing a school. I've seen Arcane on Netflix. It's really good.

What's Arcane? Pretty good. A movie. It's a TV show. Oh, yeah, a TV show. But it's based on a game. But there's another one we saw, which was Hellbound. I'm still confused with that.

Yeah, me too. You can't get through it. Are you watching Succession? I love it. So good. So good. What's been going on in your life, though, for real? What have you been doing?

Nothing. I haven't seen you in a while. Nothing? She goes to Hawaii again. You excited to go back? Yeah. How many times have you been in Hawaii since the last year? Not last year.

This last year, how long have you been in Hawaii? You've gone four or five times? Five times. Did you ever get to do stuff like that before when you're living in it now? No. Privilege, huh? Look at her now.

She gets everything. Everything. Do you fly first class when you go? No. Does Kaila? We're going to Dubai. Exactly. Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, yeah. I'll try to fly the first class. You let her fly first class? No. She deserves it. No, she doesn't. Just once. One time I will.

Yeah, you should. Yeah. You let me. I did. In Seattle, I think. Oh, yeah, that's right. Wait, you flew first class in Seattle? I flew first class.

You know what we should really do is do like a bad friend's private jet. You know, fun that would be to take a jet one time. But what if it falls like Buddy Holly? Then we die as bad friends together. Do you think they'll do a movie? They will definitely do a movie. On us, they're like, what was going on on that fucking plane?

How much does it cost to ride a plane? You knew who Buddy Holly is? No. So back in the day, what did it come? It was Richie Valens. Yep. Buddy Holly. Yep.

The big, what's his name? His name was The Big. There's another guy that was big. Big Cheese. Something like that. No, what was his name? The Big Cheese or something like that. Yeah.

But they all flew this. They were big, huge stars. As big as Harry Styles back then in the 50s, they took a plane and it crashed and they all died. All these legends. Same thing happened to Leonard Skinner. They some of them died, some of them lived. Yeah.

And it happened to Otis Redding. Private gestures to crash all the time. Let's not do it then. Now it's different. They don't crash anymore. I don't want to do it then. They don't crash anymore. Really?

When was the last time a Gulfstream crashed or like a G4? Let's just do it. Take a helicopter and a foggy day. Did you learn making jokes about that from Ari? She fit you? Yeah, yeah, I learned that from Ari. Those are the jokes. All right, so I want to say something to you.

The Thanksgiving when we called you made me reflect a lot about how much I love you and how much I appreciate you. And I was thankful for you. OK, I love you. And I also thought about the rest of the people that work on the show. And I thought about Pete and I thought about Andres and I thought about George and I thought about Doc.

And that's all the people that work on the show. And Jules. What? Jules. I said how much I love you. And Jules. And Pete and Andres and George and Doc. Yeah.

And I got to just say. Exactly. You guys mean the world to me. You mean the world to me as well. You, Doc, George, Pete, Andreas. The best. You, especially. I love you so much.

You, yeah. And almost nobody else. Nobody else. Except for George, Andres, Pete. Pete, yeah, Doc. And Doc. And Doc, yeah. My favorite people.

Eric Griffin, sometimes. Love. That guy is the best. Yeah. I love that guy. Anyway. Yeah. I'm grateful to that as well.

And I'm grateful as well. I'm grateful for the food we get. I'm grateful as well. Right. The sleep we get. I'm grateful as well. And everyone around us. Do you pray before you eat on Thanksgiving?

Pray. I get into God. You spiritual now? I've always been spiritual. But more so now? Dude, I get in tune with the Lord. What do you say to the Lord when you talk to Him? To your Heavenly Father.

Thank you so much for all the gruel. Thank you so much for the sustenance. God bless. Thank you so much for introducing island people to us. Island boys. Especially little girls from the islands. What are you talking about? She's from my island.

Epstein stuff? What are you talking about? No. Take your hand down. Wait. No, I was well. Why are you doing this? The presence of the Lord.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just want to say I'm grateful for everything. Thank you so much and thank you for being a man. Thank you for being a man. Thank you for being a friend. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah!

Whoo, yeah! Whoo, yeah! Whoo, yeah! Woo!