Bad Friends - The Island Bullies Are Back

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Starting point is 00:00:48 You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? Woo! White dude and Asian dude. Woo! You two are disgusting. Woo! Oh, you two are something.

Starting point is 00:00:59 We're bad friends. I mean, I don't want to use World War II references. Please. But above my refrigerator, on the top of my refrigerator, you know what I call it? Oshawitz. Dude. Why?

Starting point is 00:01:09 There's 93, I'm not kidding you, I have 93 traps. The hotels. Yeah, the little mouse trap? Yeah, yeah. Oh, you mean the ant trap? The ant trap, the ant traps. I have 94, 93 of them in there, right?

Starting point is 00:01:22 And how many ants have you caught, six million? No, about eight. No, I've caught thousands of them in there, right? And how many ants have you caught, six million? No, about eight. No, I've caught thousands of them. And what, six million is a funny joke. Oh, god damn it, dude. God damn it, god damn it. I missed the joke. I missed the joke, dude.

Starting point is 00:01:38 That joke was so good. Six million, yeah, yeah. That's how many ants you got. Yeah. You know what, here, if we redid the joke, I would have said. God damn, that was good. I would. That's how many ants you got. Yeah, yeah. You know what? Here, if we redid the joke, I would have said. God damn, that was good. I would have said, how many ants did you catch?

Starting point is 00:01:49 Six million? And you would have said, that's what they say. I know, I know, I know, but I didn't even. It's all good. Get it, I'm so sorry. That's how good you are. No, I'm not good. Yeah, yeah, oh yeah, so no.

Starting point is 00:02:00 I was being literal about it. I got you, I know. Yeah, I mean, so probably thousands. Is there food up there? Well, apparently what happens in the summer is it gets so hot. They have to come inside. They have to come inside.

Starting point is 00:02:11 I know, I got spiders all over my house. Spiders the same way? And the dog catches the spiders. And this is the funniest part. She's sick, she's sick. She plays with them. She doesn't kill them right away. She pushes them in the corner with her nose

Starting point is 00:02:22 and keeps them in there. Right. Like a maniac. And then I'll come over and be like, what are you doing? What are you doing? And then she's like And she'll look and the spider will be like, oh, I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. She pushes it up against the wall Yeah, she waits for me to get there. Then she kills it. Yeah, it's kind of tight. I like that little hunter mentality Yeah, you know what I like to do what when I'm taking a bath sometimes. Yes spider. Mm-hmm, and I talk Right, but they can't swim when I'm taking a bath, sometimes I'll see a spider. And I talk, I go, you wanna go swimming in bed? Right?

Starting point is 00:02:46 But they can't swim. No, they can't. When you're taking a bath, do you ever see bugs? Oh, what do you mean? Yeah. That's where they love, cause there's the pipes, the water, all that. They love all that stuff.

Starting point is 00:02:56 Yeah. I used to think putting a spider down the drain, or down the, like in the toilet kills it. I've seen spiders come right back up. I'm not even kidding. I've seen a spider come right back up. You know what I did once? And this is when I was bored

Starting point is 00:03:07 and I think my Xbox is broken, right? But check this out, dude. Wait, what do you mean it's broken? This is when this, the very first Xbox broke when I had like 15, 20 years ago. What's it called? The Red Ring of Death? Is that what it's called?

Starting point is 00:03:19 Yeah, it was the Red Ring of Death. Do you remember, right? I remember that. So I had nothing to do during the day. You know what I mean? And so I stared at a, you know, a scout ant. A scout ant? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:03:29 I don't know what that is. So sometimes I think that's, I mean, I'm not a- Oh, they send him in early, huh? Right, so there's a guy they send, you know what I mean? It's like our Carlos. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and go see. Go check it out. Go check it out.

Starting point is 00:03:40 So whenever, sometimes you'll see like an ant by itself. You know what I mean? Just by himself, it's crazy. Yeah. So whenever, sometimes you'll see like an ant by itself. You know what I mean? Just by himself, it's crazy. Imagine, dude, imagine being an ant and then seeing someone, you know what I mean, a human. This gigantic mountain thing, right? So I saw an ant grab a cracker.

Starting point is 00:03:58 Like a full-size cracker? No, it was like a chunk of a cracker, but you know what I mean? He's like, I'm gonna bring this to the village. So from the kitchen, I tracked him. I let him carry it for a long time. That's nice of you. Right? All the way to the living room, which probably took about two hours. Right? I scooped him back up and I made him start over.

Starting point is 00:04:16 Oh my God. I made him start over. You know? Yeah. What the fuck, dude? That's the ant. And I let him do it again. You gotta teach him a lesson. You gotta teach him a lesson. You can't just crush him.

Starting point is 00:04:32 People's attitude towards those bugs wide, but harming or killing bugs, important to find strong disapproval of such actions, find them cruel and unethical, even concerning psychological tendencies in children, undeveloped empathy and psychopathic behavior. What do you think? What you're trying to tell me is this.

Starting point is 00:04:51 When Dahmer was a kid. That was in the movie. Right. That was in the movie. He had a bag of bones, right? If I hid a bag of ants, it would be the same sign? Pretty close. I don't think so.

Starting point is 00:05:02 Well, it's near. I don't, if I had a jar of dead ants, I don't think it's the same as bone. Wait a minute, dude. You have a whole jar of ants? Yeah, that's crazy. That's even crazier. How many are in the jar?

Starting point is 00:05:14 Six million. Six million. I have an, I have an oshawitz of ants in a jar. So what you're saying to me right now is if you had a son, I'm your ck. You are my ck. I was in the backyard. Hey buddy, what were you doing out back?

Starting point is 00:05:30 Nothing. Nothing? It seems like you have stuff in your hands in your pockets. What is that? Nothing. No, show me your hands, bud. I wanna see. Oh my God, is that?

Starting point is 00:05:39 That's right. That's a bunch of dead grasshoppers? Yeah. What are you doing? Why do youpers? Yeah. What are you doing? Why do you have so many? What are you doing? I like to pluck the wings. You pluck the wings off the grasshoppers?

Starting point is 00:05:50 Yeah, and then they're still alive when I pluck the wings. Oh my God. And you know what they do? What? They go, do do do do do. They get hurt, they're so good. And you like this?

Starting point is 00:05:58 Feel good. I get, I get hard when I do that. Well, I'm glad I'm divorcing your mom. Anyway, I pluck the wing, right? And then what I do is I take a stick. Yeah. A little tiny stick. I grab, I die.

Starting point is 00:06:11 You poke out their eyes. I poke out, right? You know what I do? Then they go swirly. Oh my God. Because they don't know what's going on, so they go in a circle, and they go, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.

Starting point is 00:06:18 Hello, adoption agency? You would do that. We wanna give them back. Yeah. What would you do this? Because you're my adopted son, obviously. Obviously in this scenario, yes. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:06:28 Okay. What about this, when they adopt a kid from Russia, does this happen? Mm-hmm. And you know, Russian kids. Crazy. I don't know, maybe. Gotta be.

Starting point is 00:06:40 Knife work. Knife work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They know how to do the. They do. Yeah. What is that? What is that called? Yeah, I like that. The blade. The butterfly. What? The butterfly knife. They can do that. That's... Dude, watch this. Do Google a kid with a butterfly. I figured he's a Russian kid who knows how to do it. Yeah. 100%. If you adopt a Russian kid who can butterfly knife.

Starting point is 00:07:05 Right, or daddy you wanna play a game? And then you know that, that ta ta ta ta, right? Like, remember in Aliens, was it Aliens? Aliens. And they let the, you know, the robot. Look at this, there's a little Russian girl right now. Right. Obviously playing with a butterfly knife.

Starting point is 00:07:17 Yeah. And her dad is like, really good girl, very good girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to learn. Yeah, so if you had a Russian kid, he was doing some shady shit. He's three years old, adopted from Russia. Like you wake up one night, right?

Starting point is 00:07:31 And he's just standing over you with a fucking butterfly night and for some reason a spatula, right? Good morning, daddy. You know what I mean? What would it take for you to go back to Russia? It would make a good fight scene for sure out of me and the kid. I mean, I'd have to fight him.

Starting point is 00:07:47 He's obviously into getting a fight. Then butterfly knife and the spatula, it'd be easy to cook me something or we're gonna fight. Yeah, I made spaghetti, Betty. Okay. Do you want pasta? No, you're going back, dude.

Starting point is 00:07:59 Really? We're putting you back on the boat. Yeah, I think, I don't know how, that would really traumatize the kid. He traumatized me. I know. I don't need that. But can't you change him?

Starting point is 00:08:10 No, dude, that's what they say. And then Dahmer's dad was like, we can't believe he was boiling body. Oh, that's right. They acted like they didn't know it was coming the whole time. Right. That's what you do. You cannot change that. Back on the boat.

Starting point is 00:08:23 Back on the boat. There's a lot of signs, you know what I mean? And I get it like, if you're emo. Emo's different than psychotic. Emo's different than psychotic. For sure. But what I'm saying is one of the signs, probably because I've never had children.

Starting point is 00:08:35 Right. But if your son doesn't have any friends, like okay, so I'm your son. I have no friends, dog. Well let's get you some friends, buddy. I don't want friends. I want to stay in the room forever, dog. Okay, what are you doing in the room, though?

Starting point is 00:08:46 What? Why are you a little- I'm plucking fucking caterpillar wings, dad, and poking their eyes out, brah. All right, well, all right. What do you mean, all right, dad? Comedy guy. Oh, man.

Starting point is 00:08:57 Yeah, oh, man, what? You know what I mean? What kind of, dude, you know what? Ron Howard had a better career than you, dad. Yeah, he did. Yeah, if there's a redhead, he's the top redhead. Well, I agree. Yeah, you know what? Ron Howard had a better career than your dad. Yeah, he did. Yeah, in terms of redheads, he's the top redhead. Well, I agree. Yeah, you know what, dad?

Starting point is 00:09:08 Fuck you, you know what, dad? I have redhead too because of the genetic code. I can't even get any pussy, dad, because you're fucking bullshit. Well, that's your fault. No, it's your fault too, dad, because you gave me the red hair, you freak. I'll kill you.

Starting point is 00:09:19 That's what I'm trying to get to. I snapped, that lasted five seconds. That's what I'm trying to get to. I'm laughing. Well, look at the behavioral traits of kids who might be psychotic. People who have cruelty to animals, fascination with fire, ooh that one's me for sure. That's a good one. Persistent bedwetting, that's bedwetting.

Starting point is 00:09:34 That's me, I still do that. Antisocial behavior, that's- What's an antisocial behavior? You don't want to go talk to people, you don't want to be around people. No, that's not us. Okay, that's not us. Manipulative or deceitful behavior, that's us. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:09:44 That's me for sure. You're the king manipulator. Lack of empathy. Empathy and remorse, we have that. Okay, that's not us. Manipulative or deceitful behavior, that's us. Yeah. That's me for sure. Yeah, you manipulate, you're the king manipulator. Lack of empathy, I have empathy. Empathy and remorse, we have that. We have that. All right, aggression and violence, me, spades. Not me. Fascination with violence and death, that's more you than me.

Starting point is 00:09:54 Well, I liked ballerina last night, I saw that. That was pretty violent. Was it? What? It was violent? You don't know what ballerina is? What is ballerina? Well, let me explain it to you.

Starting point is 00:10:03 John Wick. Oh, it's John Wick? So what they're trying to do is try to, you know, expand the franchise. Oh, God. I couldn't even get to the last one. It flopped. It was so bad. It was, you know what? There was some disconnection in the, I don't think it was directed well.

Starting point is 00:10:17 But the last one wasn't good either. I tried to watch it. It was so bad. Oh, so they're having this girl. Who is that girl? Anna Dermis. That's, she plays the ballerina. Yeah. This movie didn't do well. She's huge. She's great in it, too. She, so they're having this girl. Who is that girl? That's she plays the ballerina. Yeah, this movie didn't do well. She's huge. She's great in a tail. She's so you can you know, here's what's sad about ballerina. Okay. I'm not a fucking film critic. But we are

Starting point is 00:10:34 kind of Yeah, we are kind of. But when you're watching her, you know, she's trying so hard to be I mean, look at she's doing all the john wick shit. Yeah, you know, I mean getting thrown over cabinets You know, I mean I mean doing so she's doing her own stunts. Oh, yeah And she's doing it and you're in your and you wait you're you're you're saying I wish this was a better movie for you Because you are doing such hard work. She's busting ass busting your fucking ass 106 million worldwide I gotta be honest with you. I bet you the budget wasn't that high. Oh my god. It had to be a hundred million dollar movie. No way. Was it that visually stunning? It had to be the stunts and all that. Because the John Wick has tradition.

Starting point is 00:11:12 How much was Ballerini? 80 million. To 90 million. Yeah, it had to have been. Okay, because look at the John Wick franchise as a whole. They started that whole thing with such low budget, nothing. It was like 10, 20 million or something. Boobayaga. Boobayaga. I'm telling you, that's, by the way, I watched the worst documentary of all time last night. Let me guess what it is.

Starting point is 00:11:29 What a waste of time. Can I guess the topic? Go ahead. Trending on Netflix. Oh, I know what it is. What? What do I get if I guess it? Give anything you want.

Starting point is 00:11:37 What do you want? Poop Cruise. That was Poop Cruise. Is it really? 100%. Yeah, yeah. I couldn't get past the 15, 15 minutes. Sucked.

Starting point is 00:11:43 It sucked. Yeah, yeah. By the way, they made a five second story. They made it a fucking hour movie. It stinks. It stinks. And they should have told it from different perspectives. They got like the least entertaining people to talk about it. Get some weirdos.

Starting point is 00:11:56 Get some weirdos that were on the boat. I want the guy, they have people being like, it was out of control, and there's poop coming out of the dreams. No, I want the guy who's like, I'm the one that made the tents and I was collecting poop. I want that guy in the documentary. Where's the weirdo?

Starting point is 00:12:09 But was he in on the boat? You tell me there's not one of those guys on a fucking Carnival Cruise line? Okay. Anybody that goes on these things, first of all, is a maniac. You know there's lifers. They go on these things.

Starting point is 00:12:22 There's people that stay on cruises. They just go cruise to cruise. When you ever, I see a TikTok with Carnival Cruise and I look at the pool party, seems like a nightmare. Number one, I'll tell you what. It looks insane at sea. Too many people. Way too many people. Right? Music's not my thing. That kind of music. Because it's constant. Everywhere you go, it's- Give me the lute. Give me the lute. I don't know what they're playing. I do love that. I don't know what they're playing.

Starting point is 00:12:43 I do love that. Like Biggie or something. I love Give Me the Lute. I love Give Me the Lute. The buss off. No, they're playing- Yeah, but on a boat, I don't know what they're playing. I do love that. I don't know what they're playing. I do love that. Like Biggie or something. I love Give Me the Loot. I love Give Me the Loot, the bus song. No, they're playing- Yeah, but on a boat, I don't want to hear it. Give me the loot, give me the loot. You know, I don't want to hear it.

Starting point is 00:12:52 Right? Because it's like, I've never done that. You don't do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never, you know, give me the loot. I've never done that. Now, if it was Portishead, you'd be into it. Oh my God, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:13:01 Right, you know what? Mazzy Star. Fine, Mazzy Star is great. Yeah, beat into you, or whatever, right? Well, that's what? Um, Mazzy star fine Mazzy stars great Whatever right? Well, that's a suicidal song on a boat wouldn't be good I know but so I could cut with myself with my emo friends, you know So it's the music too many people give me another reason why you wouldn't go on that cruise Well, I buffets, you know, give me the creeps. I have i'm germaphobic. I think buffet to me is night nightmare. Everyone's Yeah, getting in the shit. Exactly. Fuck that.

Starting point is 00:13:25 No, thank you. Yeah. Also, also, there is something to be said about unlimited booze and booze available in a trap environment. Mm hmm. Yeah. Hallelujah. Give me something. Can I go back to the buffet? Sure. Never trust a buffet without a glass paneling. Oh, bro. Bro.

Starting point is 00:13:42 If there's no glass paneling, forget it. And guess what? Who's the fucker that has to clean that fucking thing? Bro. Oh, bro. Bro, if there's no glass paneling, forget it. And guess what? Who's the fucker that has to clean that fucking thing? Bro. Oh. Gross. Oh, God, you know what I mean? It's people's breath. It's breaths and snot and hands and fingers.

Starting point is 00:13:54 Yeah, it's gross. All right, here's another thing. I don't think that I'd be able to sleep well. In, on a boat. Because you'd have to pay extra to get a, can you get a window room? I think they're all window rooms, right? There's no inland room. I would imagine. Why would there be? How could there be? They all have to be on the outside of

Starting point is 00:14:11 the boat. I would need a window. Uh huh. Stop. Is the shower water even without like, is the shower water good? It's filtered clean water. You can't, it's non-potable. Thank you. So you can't drink it, but you can shower with it. Why is that? I want to shower in water that I can drink. I totally agree. I totally agree.

Starting point is 00:14:31 Don't you, like, I can't put it in my body, but I can put it outside my body? And by the way, this, it gets in my body when it's not. The pores. Yeah, it's on my skin. Yeah, I want Fiji water for shower water. Yeah, 100%. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:14:43 It contain bacteria, viruses, chemicals. So yeah, it's not enough. Yeah, 100%. Yeah. It contain bacteria, viruses, chemicals. So yeah, you can't drink it. But also, I don't trust that they're not recycling water. How do you know? How do I know? Yeah, you don't know. You would never know.

Starting point is 00:14:54 You never know. Even the fucking water filter I have at my house, sometimes I don't know. Oh, I think it's bullshit. I think it's bullshit. We have filtered water at the house too, and I'm like, this didn't do anything. This has high tech technology, five filters.

Starting point is 00:15:04 You'd rather use idiom and idiom. You know what I mean? And all these fucking This has high tech technology, five filters. You can use idiom and idiom. You know what I mean? And all these fucking things I don't even understand. And by the way, idiom and idiom? Yeah. How well do they work? Yeah. Idiom and idiom.

Starting point is 00:15:15 But so here's another thing, activities. So. You're not doing any of those. Well let's throw them out. I've never been on a cruise, but I assume pool activities is one. Pool all day. Okay, number two, is there a movie theater?

Starting point is 00:15:28 There is a huge movie theater and a huge performance theater where comedians and musicians and people go to perform. Stop it. But what are they playing in the movie theater? You know what they're playing. What? What? What are they playing?

Starting point is 00:15:39 What are they playing? What are they playing? I'm asking you, because I've never been on a cruise! I've never fucking been! I've never been on a cruise! So what do you think? Okay, I'm on a boat. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:15:47 Honey? Hi. Let's go to the movie theater. What's playing? Hi, welcome to movie theater. We have three films available. Which one would you like to see? You're saying to me?

Starting point is 00:15:55 Yes. Oh. We have three films there. Which one would you like to see? Let me just read it. Madea. Yeah. Madea showing in ten minutes.

Starting point is 00:16:04 Yeah, in ten minutes. Yeah. What is Madea? It's a beautiful, it's a beautiful heartfelt story. Yeah. A family story. Yeah. About a woman and her extended family.

Starting point is 00:16:13 Yeah, no, thank you. Okay. That's pretty much, is it a comedy? It's a comedy, yeah. Who is Madea? Who plays Madea? Tyler Perry. Tyler Perry.

Starting point is 00:16:21 Yes. Yeah, I know. What's another movie that you have here? Oh, we have Soul Plane. Soul Plane, what is that? It's a dog and some friends are on, and Cat Williams, they're on a plane to... Can I ask you another question?

Starting point is 00:16:33 Sure. Is Tyler Perry, is that what you said? Tyler Perry. Yeah, yeah. Is he black? He is. Okay, I didn't know. Is that okay?

Starting point is 00:16:40 It's completely fine. I would hope so. Big Denzel fan. We don't have any Denzel movies. What's the third movie? I Think you can see what the third movie. Oh Amistad Amistad is that about a boat?

Starting point is 00:16:58 Do you have Titanic cuz I like white boat no no I like white boat. No, no, no. Okay. We found that that tested negative with the people on the cruise. With the people on the cruise? Okay. So there's movies, what else is there?

Starting point is 00:17:07 Is there darts? Like what else happens? Shuffle board. There's also water slides, they said. And then people really get off on the casino. It's a fucking floating casino. Oh, it's a casino. Yeah, it's another way for people to lose their mortgage.

Starting point is 00:17:20 Can you smoke inside the casino, you think? You better believe it. Okay, go ahead. It's a boat. You can do whatever the fuck you want. Maritime law, baby. You can have as much fun as possible. Look, there's a punchline or comedy club. There's an IMAX theater. You can play Deal or No Deal Live. Wow. Drive-in movies. Oh, dive in movies. Yeah. Karaoke, nightmare. Piano bar, live music, a nightclub. Yeah. A sports and then, Fancy, what does that say? Go ahead, that's in your stuff.

Starting point is 00:17:47 Blank the blank? Blank the blank. Blank the blank. It's a dazzling performance version. So what is this, is that Carnival's website? Yeah, it's their activity. Okay, so I wanna ask you this. God, no thanks, man.

Starting point is 00:17:57 Sometimes, you know, I'll run into a comic I haven't seen in a very long time. Mm, does it just happen to you? No, just general, sometimes you just run into a guy, like, oh, so-and-so. Yeah, I saw a guy. Have you seen him in 20 years to you? No, just general. Sometimes you just run into a guy like, oh so and so. Yeah, I saw a guy. Have you seen him 20 years or whatever? I literally just saw,

Starting point is 00:18:08 do you know who Tarun Shetty is? Love Tarun. Yeah, I just ran into him. Yeah, I haven't seen him in a long, long time. And then they go, yeah, I've been doing the cruises, that thing. Oh, when they tell you they have, oh right. They've been gone because that's how they make it,

Starting point is 00:18:23 which is a great, a cruise doing standup on a cruise. Yeah. Would you do it? I mean, because I've never been offered it. Let me tell you something. Let me just say something. When this show's over and we aren't on this show anymore, we might have to cruise. I have nothing against it.

Starting point is 00:18:44 We might be cruising. It might be bad friends at sea. We could do that because Chelsea, Lynn does it. I think the Workaholic boys are doing it. They are doing it. Burt's done it, a cruise. Yeah, they all do cruises. What I'm saying is just you as a standup

Starting point is 00:19:00 getting hired on a cruise. I know what you're doing. What am I doing? You're saying that my career is headed in the path that I will be a cruise. You're a movie star, and that's insane. Please do not, I'm not even a TV star. You got something coming, I can feel it.

Starting point is 00:19:13 Okay. I made some calls, but my point is, Okay, dude. All right, but what I'm saying is that, I could, no. I don't know if I could do it, I don't know if I have the material for it, I don't know if I have.

Starting point is 00:19:23 Here's really what it is. Yeah. It would kill my soul to eat shit on a boat and then not be able to leave. When you bomb. My bomb and then I have to go to 41C, my bunk. Right. I have to eat shit and then walk past people to my bunk.

Starting point is 00:19:41 I've lived that life, it hurts. When you fucking eat shit at a bad room and then you're like, I'll be in the back sitting at a table eating chicken wings until I have to go, until my ride takes me back to the hotel, like that. I mean, I bomb and then I'm up there in the top bunk. Oh my God, and your opener's in there too?

Starting point is 00:19:58 We have to chat it out. Yeah, and he's like, I killed. You're like, I know I saw you. I used to play Harrah's in Vegas and used to do 16 shows in a week That's fuck Monday through Sunday ridiculous So one time I had a really really like it was eight people that don't know what happens is When you don't have a name and you're doing a club like Harrah's in Vegas, they don't care who it is

Starting point is 00:20:20 No, they're just giving us free tickets. Yeah free tickets people show up They don't know the fuck you are which is why we're so grateful for the fans so great God Thank you. See you keep cook so we don't have to go back. We don't do 19 shows Yeah, so I had one particular was like seven people in a 200 seat room a Bomb so hard. They cannot kill with seven people. I went to the Geraldina's is that what it's called the ice cream place Hmm, get your all these girl these girl all these no no no The Geraldinas, is that what it's called? The ice cream place? Geraldes? Geraldes? Geraldes. No, no, no.

Starting point is 00:20:47 Gi-ra-de-li. Gi-ra-de-li. Gi-ra-de-li. Thank you. Wow, the fucking foreigner got it. Yeah. Gi-ra-de-li ice cream place. I got a sundae after the show.

Starting point is 00:20:54 That's kind of a nice reward. Right, but the two people that went to the seven, of the seven, right? And the guy goes to me, yo, nice try That's so fun, it's not you were funny it's not you know, you're pretty good night like he Acknowledged my attempt a guy shook my hand one time. I think I was in God, I want to say I want to say

Starting point is 00:21:24 Not Portland, but I was in the Northwest somewhere and I don't remember where I was because I was all broken on the road. Tacoma. Yeah, it could have been Tacoma. It was up in the Northwest somewhere, but I was broken on the road and a guy said,

Starting point is 00:21:36 and I had such a fucking mid-ass bullshit set, and he shook my hand and smiled, very nice, because I was saying hi to people on the way out. I used to do that a lot, you know, because you just wanted to say thanks for coming. Sure. And the guy goes, keep swinging. Keep swinging.

Starting point is 00:21:50 And by the way, it's not even that mean, it's just perfect. It's perfect. It's like saying, you'll hit the, come on, you're doing it, you're all right. You'll be, you know, don't worry about it. Keep. Keep swinging.

Starting point is 00:22:01 Which means that you struck out. Oh yeah. Yeah, oh, I see that now that you struck out. Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh, I see that now that you struck out. He's saying. Batter out. Get back in the batter box. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:22:10 Wow. Factor. Factor. Summer is here, baby. More sun, more light, more time to do all the things that make summer so special. And the number one thing you don't want to be doing all summer, spending hours cooking inside. Right, Andrew?

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Starting point is 00:23:11 shipping factormeals.com slash badfriends50off. 50 off. Shopify. Look guys, if you have an online business. And we do. I don't know what you're doing if you're not using Shopify. When you think about businesses, Andrew, that are selling through the roof like Allo or Albert or Skims, what do you think of?

Starting point is 00:23:30 Pretty good product, I guess. Good product. But you think of Shopify, no? Oh, that's what I think of the most, though. Yeah, exactly, dude. Because that is honestly the secret behind business because businesses that use Shopify, they are winning. That means way less carts are going abandoned and way more sales going to ching up, up,

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Starting point is 00:24:39 Shout out to that guy that stayed with me for 12 years. Yeah. Pretty funny hurts too. You're 12 years. Yeah, pretty funny hurts too. You were pretty funny. Yeah, pretty funny I don't like. It's mean when they say it like a surprise, when they go, you were pretty funny. Like it blew their mind. Oh, I think that's worse.

Starting point is 00:24:54 They saw you. Yeah, you were actually funny. That's fucking, he knows, that's so mean. Or yeah, you really want to get under a comedian's skin. Fans, go up to the headliner, shake his or her hand and go, dude, funny, funny stuff, I loved the guy before you. That will fuck them up in a way.

Starting point is 00:25:14 It's irreparable damage. But say it real, go, God, I love that guy right before you. Say his name again, say their name again. Make the headliner tell you the other person. That kills a headliner so much. It's the meanest thing. Same thing.

Starting point is 00:25:27 If you see the opener with the headliner standing next to each other. Yes, I know. This is good. You go to the opener and go, you should headline. Oh God, it's so funny. You should have been the headliner, right? That will destroy every ounce of fucking joy inside your heart.

Starting point is 00:25:44 It hurts so fucking bad. Hey, it's happened to all of us, dude. It's happened so much. We've been on both sides of the fence. Both sides of the fence, wow. That's like what I told you, that story, where I love the national, I followed them from the beginning,

Starting point is 00:25:54 I saw them in small shows, then we saw them open the Hollywood Bowl for REM, and my wife hates REM so much, we left after the national, we paid for REM's tickets to watch the opening act your wife hates REM That's very annoying to me loads are are you that's the most annoying thing I've ever heard. Let me tell you something Yeah, I never cared. I never thought I thought we saw whatever REMs finder. They're not a favorite of mine I don't listen to them. Oh my god, but now because of her hate. Yeah, I've also found out why she hates them

Starting point is 00:26:26 Can I guess? Yeah. Let me think. Too white. Like in a generic college radio. So college-y white whiny guy. Right. It's whiny white guy.

Starting point is 00:26:38 She hates whiny white guy. Ah, I see. Look at this fucking band. That's, look at their fucking faces. Mike's what look at. Look at their fucking faces. Mike Mills. Mike Mills is the one the glasses brother. He is the whitest of the whites. Right. That's whiter than me. Yeah. But Peter Buck, the guy to the far left. Right. What do you think? I like white dudes like that. Yeah, but he doesn't belong. Which one of these things doesn't belong? Peter Buck. He does not belong. Okay. That's the guy that

Starting point is 00:27:03 left. What do you think of Michael Stipe? I think he's a brilliant songwriter. He is. I like his voice too. But I just don't care. Okay. That's insane. I think the songwriting-

Starting point is 00:27:13 I mean, automatic for people. There's just so many great albums that they've done that it's like, I just, when I heard Your Wife Just Now doesn't like R.E.M., it really kind of shocked me. Here's why. It's one of the greatest bands of all time, I think. I disagree. You know, they'll never go up there as one of the greatest bands. They are, he's a brilliant songwriter. Are you out of your fucking mind? No one names R.E.M. as one of the greatest bands and you'll never listen to their albums again once you've done with them. Are you fucking, I listen to it all the time now.

Starting point is 00:27:40 No, you don't. Fables of the reconstruction. I know the albums. Let me say something. Give me your Spotify and prove to me that you listened to them recently. Okay. Liar. I mean, how do you? You fucking liar. I don't have to, I can do Apple Music, I can do. What are you, my dad?

Starting point is 00:27:52 You're right. Even download it. Let's see, if, because when you download a song, that means you really like it. Sure, is it downloaded? So let's see, this is downloaded, right? Yeah, click on it. I'm gonna go to artist. I don't think I have it.

Starting point is 00:28:03 I hope not. Oh, look. Downloaded. No. Aure artists. I don't think I have it. But look. I hope not. Look, downloaded, R.E.M. That's just on, that's the library. No, that's not downloaded. Look at the top. Give it to me. Yeah, yeah. And you know when it's downloaded, press R.E.M.

Starting point is 00:28:16 It has that little white dot, means it's downloaded under my phone. Automatic for the people. All you have is one song, Night Swimming. One song. Okay. One song. Yeah. And on... Now go to my non-

Starting point is 00:28:28 And you have one song on the other album. One dot. There it is. Driver 8. That's fat. I know. Give it to me. Two songs. He loves that band. Download it. Download it. Now let's go back to now... Let's go back to just library now. Lord, please, please. Let me improve. In the way that you hate, give me the loot, give me the loot. I hate REM.

Starting point is 00:28:50 I love Biggie, what are you talking about? No, you don't want him on a boat. I don't think he killed Tupac. He didn't. Or his people. Did he did? No, so the irony of going to an opening act for the record was so we could see The National because we love them.

Starting point is 00:29:04 And I had to leave for REM. And I don't hateM. I think Michael's one of the best songwriters. I just don't fucking care. Okay. I mean, it's it's like you believe they put a man on the moon man on the moon. What's the song about? If you believe you if you believe, what's the song about? We're talking out there to see. The song is about who? Kaufman. Andy Kaufman.

Starting point is 00:29:30 I know, dude. Unbelievable. Yeah, it's incredible. First time I've ever heard of, even before I even knew who Lenny Bruce is, I learned it from Ariem. All right, you want me to drop the act? I like Ariem a lot. Do you really?

Starting point is 00:29:41 Yeah, I do, dude. Did you leave? Yeah, we left. Why did you leave? Because she didn't want to hear it. And you lot. Do you really? Yeah, I do, dude. Did you leave? Yeah, we left. Why did you leave? Because she didn't want to hear it and you know how funny it was? I literally go, what if we stay for like two songs? Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:29:51 I really wanted to. Really? Yeah, I wanted to stay. Of course I wanted to fucking stay. Yeah. I knew it. Dude, as soon as you told me that irked you, I was like, well, I'm going to dig as deep as I can. That was good because that was really getting me going.

Starting point is 00:30:00 Because here's the thing. I don't even know if I went to a show of a band that I really loved and if my significant other said, let's leave. I don't know if I could, I think that would be a deal breaker for me. It would hurt, yeah. Well, here was the deal.

Starting point is 00:30:14 We went for the, truly, I want to see the National. So that's really, because I'd never seen them in that big of a venue. So we wanted to see that. And then talk about a beautiful full circle. They played the Hollywood Bowl the next year, solo headlining. And then I thought we should go see the opening band of that

Starting point is 00:30:30 and leave before the national. Okay, who was opening the band of that? Nah, it was a, it wasn't a fucking nobody. It was like a band where you're like, oh, they could sell a lot of tickets. Yeah. Sometimes you need two bands to sell, sometimes you need two bands to sell a lot of tickets.

Starting point is 00:30:43 To be a big, yeah, yeah, of course. I have no shame in it, I get that. What do you mean, you and I, fuck sell a lot of tape. Yeah, of course. No shame in it. I get that. What do you mean? You and I, fuck. We love it together. Sometimes we're the killer combination. Yeah, good combination.

Starting point is 00:30:52 That's why we're doing London and Dublin together. Yeah. And we can announce it. Saudi Arabia. We're doing Saudi Arabia. We're doing the Riyadh Comedy Festival. Yeah. But to me, that would be like the girl that I'm seeing now, she's like, let's watch Hamilton.

Starting point is 00:31:04 I don't know anything about it. The play? Yeah. Wait, the movie? The play. She goes, because I guess they're gonna do, okay, I feel so bad about this dude. What?

Starting point is 00:31:17 So she goes, well, in New York, the original cast is gonna do like one show, right? And to be impressive, I go, I could maybe try to get tickets for that. Can you imagine how expensive that could be? Guess what? What? I can't. That's what I found out. I have no power. I call people, they're like, get the fuck out of here, dude. I go, oh, okay. That's an impossible ticket. That's like for Bradley Cooper and whoever Hot Cheek is. That's what I'm saying. I go, oh, okay. An impossible ticket. That's like for Bradley Cooper and whoever hot. That's what I'm saying.

Starting point is 00:31:46 I thought that maybe I could get a back row thing. Brother. I know, brother, I don't know. No. About Hamilton. Cause here's what happens. Yeah. They put in that show is gonna be the coolest,

Starting point is 00:31:55 hottest New York celebrities in the orchestra. Then in the top balcony, that will be people who used to be super famous, but are still cool and relevant. Corey Feldman. What the fuck? I'm gonna throw some names. You see if they get a kid to come or not.

Starting point is 00:32:10 In the balcony? Yeah, in the balcony. Say a name, I'll tell you if they're in orchestra, balcony, or upper deck. This is a good one. Or back, upper deck. Charlize Theron. Orchestra.

Starting point is 00:32:19 That's good. Orchestra, oh yeah, the floor. Okay, Charlize, all right. Pauly Shore. Pulling tickets out front. Scalping tickets. He's scalping tickets out front. No, he's a ticket ripper.

Starting point is 00:32:31 He's a ticket ripper. Oh, he's a ticket ripper. Row four, brother. Okay, okay. We love you, Pauly. We love you too. Yeah, I know, let's keep going. We wouldn't get in the fucking building is the point.

Starting point is 00:32:40 Okay, what's that guy? Oh no, okay. What's that guy? Obviously not in there. Yeah. If you have to say what's that guy? No, okay. What's that guy? Obviously not in there. Yeah. If you have to say what's that guy, he's not inside. Harry Styles. Orchestra.

Starting point is 00:32:51 Orchestra. By the way, second row. Okay. They want him in the shot of the reverse camera shot of Hamilton with Harry right there. You know the picture that they want. Okay, let's go. Let's go to Sally Fields. I gotta be honest with you, balcony one. She's in the first balcony.

Starting point is 00:33:11 Wow. Here's what they picture. She goes, oh, I'd like to be down in the orchestra. And they go, Sally, it's kind of hard to see from down there. You might because of your age. But I'm four, nine. No, no, no, I'm saying, yeah, that's why you need to be elevated to see down to the.

Starting point is 00:33:22 Oh, you as a talent guy that works for Hamilton. Yeah. That's really, oh, I'm calling. Yeah, that's why you need to be elevated to see down to the Oh, you you're as a talent guy that works for Hamilton. Yeah, that's really all right So you I'm calling yeah, we'd be if I'm a public we'd be afraid that you couldn't see the stage from overview So we'd want you elevated to look down. There's two balconies. You're in the beer in the primer in the middle one You're in the best one. Um, so can David swimmer David swimmer. Yeah swimmer. Yes. We do have a seat for David Where's he sitting? He's in the second balcony. Oh, second balcony? I think he's orchestra. You do. Yeah, I think he's orchestra.

Starting point is 00:33:50 He's actually in the second balcony and he's in the middle row. He's in the dead center. So really, David Schwimmer would get that. Dead center though. Gets to see right down. Am I wrong? That's, yeah, I'm second balcony. All right, I have...

Starting point is 00:34:00 Who else do you have on your roster there? Agent. What's your name again, agent? Donovan, Alejandro, Crisp. Is that a new agent? Donovan, Alejandro. Just call me Crisp. Oh, Crispy. Dr. Crisp.

Starting point is 00:34:15 Oh, I know Mr. Crisp. I'm a doctor. Oh, Dr. Crisp. Yeah, but I also do publicity on the side. Damn, what happened to your fucking, what happened in the doctor? What do you mean what happened? What kind of doctor were you?

Starting point is 00:34:24 I was an orthopedic surgeon. Someone's heard me talk about it recently. Yeah. All right, so let me hear, who else do you have on your client list? Molly Ringwald. Ooh, she'll be upstairs next to David, two seats away. Molly will.

Starting point is 00:34:36 Center, center, two seats away. Perfect, beautiful. Okay, now let's go, Dr. Ken Jeong. You know, let me see if we have any more tickets, actually, because I think we might be- You don't think Ken would get balcony? let's go. Dr. Ken Jeong. You know, let me see if we have any more tickets actually, because I think we might be- You don't think Ken would get balcony? That's insane. That hurts.

Starting point is 00:34:50 You're not Ken. I know, but honestly, you don't think that Ken could get balcony? Yeah, he'd get balcony. He'd get first, I didn't want to say it to upset you. He'd get middle balcony for sure. I already tried. They said no.

Starting point is 00:35:00 Oh yeah. They said, quote, get the fuck out of here. No, shut up. They did. Shut up. Get the fuck out of here. All right, you'd get middle balcony I won't I already tried I called you know, I mean my peeps and they got it's not no get the fuck out of here Really? Yeah, so I go. Okay. I Think you could get top row. I believe it. Yeah, you know you One show I don't think so dude. You could get up there. I think you could

Starting point is 00:35:24 Fuck you guys. Yeah, no way, right? I'm I mean, it's, dude. You could get up there. I think you could. No way. Fuck you guys. Yeah, no way, right? I'm... What do you mean? It's like 600... Andre Agassi. Oh, he's in there, 100%. It's a legend. A literal legend in his game. Oh, fuck.

Starting point is 00:35:33 Karl Malone. Karl Malone? Yeah, Karl Malone. You're saying Karl Malone? Karl Malone, the basketball player. He was a 15-year-old, he got pregnant. Yeah, Karl Malone. Karl Malone would not be available for that.

Starting point is 00:35:45 They would not, they'd be go, sir, there's- Wow, living legend though, no. You know where we could go? If they did Lion King. Do you ever see Lion King? Ah, say bye bye. I went. Say bye bye.

Starting point is 00:35:58 I think the only third play I ever went to, but I had a girlfriend named Christine and she goes, let's go watch, so at Pantages. You went to go see the Lion King. I bought tickets, right? It was pretty fun. You haven't seen it Yeah, there's like a giraffe with a kind of costume. You know, I mean, you're like, oh look. Yeah Yeah, it's pretty good. You didn't pay attention to it. Did you well? I did I've never seen the Lion King in any form So it was so riveting to me because I didn't know the story. Shut the fuck up

Starting point is 00:36:20 You never saw the Lion King. I have never seen little mermaid like any of those Disney old things Milan I don't know Princess of Persia at any of that stuff. What the only thing I saw was Nima Nemo. I saw Nemo I saw the one that has like schizophrenia the Dora. I Forget things you finding Dory. Yeah that one. You finding Dory? Yeah, that one. You never. Where am I? That one.

Starting point is 00:36:47 You've never seen Aladdin. No. I don't even know. So when I was watching The Lion King, I go. I didn't even know it was about Africa. It's not. No, I thought, I don't know anything about it. All I know is just it's not.

Starting point is 00:37:01 No. It's not in Africa. It's in Bakersfield. Oh, I didn't know. Right, so I know that the is, it's not? No. It's not in Africa? It's in Bakersfield. Oh, I didn't know. Right, so I know that the lion's in it, but I don't know any other kind of information. What else do you know about the lion? He's-

Starting point is 00:37:13 Mutumba. Mustafa. Mustafa, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mufasa. Mufasa. Mufasa. I know that there's a thing where he goes, look, and there's like a little boy,

Starting point is 00:37:22 like the little one, Cub, over the ridge. I don't think that was in the live play. What's, so let's, okay, I don't know what the Lion King is. No Aladdin, no Lion King, no Little Mermaid. Okay, Little Mermaid. Let me see. You know, shut up. You're fucking with me.

Starting point is 00:37:39 I swear onto my mother's life. I don't know what the Little, I know that it's a mermaid. I know she's little. Just based on the, you know, the title. I know that there's a purple creature, the fat, purple thing. Purple fat. Yeah, and she's go, go, go, go, go,

Starting point is 00:37:59 whatever she does, right? Bubbly, bubbly, bubbly. Yes, bubbly, bubbly. You're in a clam trap. That's exactly right, right? Right, I know that there are clams Right under the sea right? Oh, yeah I know that kind of stuff. So you know it because you've been in a mall

Starting point is 00:38:18 You know, what the fuck is this bullshit and they go it's from the little mermaid then you go Oh, and you retain that information, but I don't know anything about that I don't know anything about um Aladdin? Nothing about Aladdin? Magic Carpet Ride dog? I know the Who song. I can show you the world. Oh I Okay. Here is, here is the jungle. The jungle of. Here is, here is the jungle. You will be the man of the jungle. You know that song?

Starting point is 00:38:52 No. It's not a real song. I know. I know, that didn't retain, that didn't hit. I'm being real, try to see. All right, Aladdin. Yeah, but I don't know, so I don't know about that, I don't know about that.

Starting point is 00:39:05 But you think, okay, if I have to start, what do you think I should start with? That's interesting. What should he start with if he's starting with one of those old school Disney movies? I would say either. Peter Pan. I know Peter Pan.

Starting point is 00:39:17 Ask me anything about Peter Pan, I'll tell you Peter Pan. No, he's seen Peter Pan. I would say, no, that's songs of Disney, dog. We're talking Disney film, the classic Disney film. I would say, honestly, I think The Lion King is one of the best. Aladdin and Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, and The Little Mermaid are the three like bangers. Beauty and the Beast is so good. The only film that was nominated for an Oscar. The only animated film ever. What is? Beauty and the Beast? Yeah. Was it? For what? Best picture.

Starting point is 00:39:46 Can I add, I don't think I'll pass on Beauty and the Beast. Oh fuck, you're wrong. She's the hottest. Because I believe that you can't, it's inherently you already know the story based on the photo. It's your story, Bobby. Okay, explain to me why it would be my story, Andreas.

Starting point is 00:40:03 I'd like to be educated. Money makes you more handsome. Damn dude, these guys are. Damn dude, that's ruthless. What is going on up there in that fucking window? Yeah. It's like you're cursed to be alone forever. Holy shit dude.

Starting point is 00:40:20 That's not the message. Beauty is inside. We have to break that. That's the nice version. The beauty is on the inside. But to get the princess to your castle, sometimes you gotta kidnap her. Oh no, the scary laugh. He's about to lose it. That's good.

Starting point is 00:40:42 I'm not saying that about you. They are. It's good. No, I didn't say it about you. Stop it. Stop it, dude. Wow. That's unbelievably good. Yeah, I'll go.

Starting point is 00:40:52 He's going to lose his mind. Yeah, yeah, yeah. True Classic. Oh my God. You know, whenever you wear True Classic, Andrew, you look so like- You think it exciterates my body? Very Marlon Brando days. Are you being serious?

Starting point is 00:41:03 Like, very fit. Yeah. It looks so clean on you, dude. When you wear True Classic, you look like Bobby Lee in the early days. When I was 12. Yeah, you were young and fit and sexy. Let me ask you, what sets them apart from other t-shirts and stuff?

Starting point is 00:41:17 Because their mission goes beyond fit and fabric. It's about helping guys show up with confidence and purpose. The gear fits right, it feels amazing, and it's priced. So guys, everywhere, no matter who you are or what you do, you can step into confidence without stepping out of your budget. We've been wearing True Classic for a while now, and now you can feel the difference

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Starting point is 00:41:56 You know, today at four, I went to therapy. You did go to therapy right before we recorded. Every Thursday I do. And I tell you something, it, because of my anxiety, right, I need to work through what makes me anxious, right? Because of the trauma that I experienced as a kid, I had to work on these different moments as a kid, doing EMDR and all that stuff.

Starting point is 00:42:15 I honestly believe that therapy is priceless, and I think that to be free and to have a healthier life, you should do, you should go to where? Talkspace. I think you should. Talkspace is the leading virtual therapy provider. It makes getting the help you need easy, accessible, and affordable. It's for everybody.

Starting point is 00:42:31 And by the way, Talkspace therapy and psychiatry are covered by many insurance plans. I know that's a big deal for a lot of people. Like, well, I can't afford it, but they're covered. And employers, including TRICARE for active duty veterans and their dependents, most insured members have a zero dollar copay. So you should try Talkspace. I believe everyone should talk to somebody. And Talkspace makes getting help convenient because you can take your appointments from

Starting point is 00:42:54 the comfort and privacy of your own home. And that's nice. You can even talk it out between sessions by sending messages to your therapist. That's right. As a listener to this podcast, you're going to get $80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to Talkspace.com slash bad. As a listener to this podcast, you're going to get $80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to Talkspace.com slash Bad Friends. Enter the promo code SPACE80.

Starting point is 00:43:09 That's S-P-A-C-E-8-0. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com slash Bad Friends. Enter the promo code. SPACE80. The girls are back. Damn, dude. Look at how tanned.

Starting point is 00:43:20 Fucking tanned. Wow. Rat turds, that's what they look like. Stop it. I'm kidding. How long were you guys in Hawaii? A month. Wow.

Starting point is 00:43:29 My god. You guys are awesome. I know, look how tan they are. And we went to the beach today too. Yeah, they did. Do you, you've never worn sunscreen? No. We don't need to, we don't burn.

Starting point is 00:43:38 Like you. Okay, don't take shots of me. Go talk into that mic, Isi. Isa. Hello. I cannot believe how tan you guys got. They're so tan. Uh, easy. Issa. Hello. I cannot believe how tan you got. They're so tan. You got so tan. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:43:49 We didn't burn once, though. Yeah, because you guys don't say nobody burned. There's Filipinos that burn. Not like the lighter Filipinos, but we're not like. Oh, you've never gotten a sunburn. You've never got on that trip. But you have gotten a sunburn when I was a kid. Now, did you eat the chocolate cake?

Starting point is 00:44:07 Yeah, what how much of a chocolate cake? So what happened was I was on Gold Belly about a month ago Mm-hmm, and there was an advertisement for a truck like a double triple chocolate cake. Sounds good, right? It comes they're in Hawaii and I'm on o Ozempic. So that cake is not getting eaten. So I put it in the freezer, thawed it out a couple nights ago, right? And I've been begging them to eat it. Cause you want them to be satisfied. Not that, but I don't want it to go to waste.

Starting point is 00:44:35 Yeah, cause you can't have it. Right, I've been eating it, I had it for breakfast. Okay. I had a slice, I had made your mom make me a slice for breakfast, chocolate cake. Make you a slice? I go, can you get it? Can I get a slice? And she a slice for breakfast. Chocolate cake. Make you a slice? I go, can I get a slice? And she would just, and she sliced it.

Starting point is 00:44:49 And you had it. Yeah, last night. How good is it? It's so good. It's like, too decadent though, is what you're saying. It's so heavy. It's heavy, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:57 But you got it, that's why you have to, you just have to eat a small piece of it. We got like so small, and he was so mad that we took a small piece. Yeah, I want a big chunk you know here's another thing that drives me crazy. Give it to me. Because they all live with me. I know I heard it's insane. And so wait you don't right now do you? I do. You do? Gross. Yeah. What a nightmare. Here's another thing is their mom, sorry, I go today I go I'm gonna get a sandwich.

Starting point is 00:45:20 Sorry. Today I go, I'm gonna get a sandwich. She's like, oh. I go, want one? Okay. I go, what kind? Turkey. Okay. Get it, right?

Starting point is 00:45:32 Comes from where? Where do I get it, you think? Giada? Oh, Uncle Polly's. Uncle Polly's. How good is that sandwich? It's my favorite. What do you think? The best.

Starting point is 00:45:42 We get the sandwich. She takes the bread, complete bread, takes it out. Takes the bread off of the sandwich? Yeah, she takes all the insides, then busts out her own Filipino bread. And puts the fucking insides of the sandwich onto the bread. I don't know what kind of bread it is,

Starting point is 00:46:00 but Filipino bread, what kind of bread is it? What is it? It's a keto. Oh, keto bread. Oh, she's keto. Yeah. Oh, she's filipi- filiketo. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:46:08 Filiketo. And she's keto why? Because she doesn't want to be fat. Your mom's not fat. She was really fat before. Was she? Would you say that to her? Would you say, mom, you're fat?

Starting point is 00:46:18 Yeah. That's so fucking mean. It's so mean. You guys are fucking mean, man. She would show us old pictures of herself and she was like, god, I really let myself go. Like she would show us. Yeah, but you guys,

Starting point is 00:46:28 that doesn't mean you back it up and go, yep, fatty. But that's normal in our family. We just say the truth. See, they're mean to each other. They're mean to each other. But it is true. But it is true. Maybe we should all be like this to our family members.

Starting point is 00:46:41 Was I fat? Yeah. Okay, am I fat now? No. No, in fact you said something about, you're a narc by the way. What did I do? You're a little piece of shit.

Starting point is 00:46:53 What did I do? Yeah. What did I do? So your mom took a photo of my passport photo and then you tell Kailila, right, he looks sick. No, I didn't say that, I I said you look so old already why I don't think he looks younger now that he lost weight no like I felt so bad because like on the picture like your feet your eyes were like that and then

Starting point is 00:47:19 like your skin was so sad I'm Korean fuck off that's how we all look I just felt so bad So I texted at the call I and said Tito Bobby looks so old now. Oh god. How mean it's so mean It's not I have a crying emoji So what you're saying you got emotional because That's a sad joke. Yeah, yeah. So what you're saying, you got emotional because, don't you think it's because of the ozempic face

Starting point is 00:47:47 or you really think that I look old now? Well, how old are you? Guess how old I am. He's got a birthday coming up. I have a birthday coming up. 54. 54, right. 54 coming up.

Starting point is 00:47:58 Yeah, yeah. He's turning 54. Yeah. And one day you'll get there. No, they won't. They won't live that long. Oh yeah. Yeah, there's no chance Well, she made she might yeah, you're no. Yeah, he says seven sixteen seventeen seventeen. Yeah

Starting point is 00:48:12 Seventeen when he turned eighteen next year March Is eighteen a big deal like it is in the States like you can vote and all that you deserve voting down there Give me the rules chucking chickens in the road or what is the drinking age? The drinking age is eighteen in the Philippines. Yeah, but I feel chickens in the road or what is it? The drinking age is 18 in the Philippines. Yeah but I feel like in the countries like that people drink anyway before then. Yeah see it doesn't fuck with you. Oh so if I was 15 in the Philippines and I walked into a liquor store could I buy a bottle of whiskey? No you could if you knew the guy. He's probably your fucking cousin. Yeah if he was your uncle. Like in our in the sorry sorry stores you can just.

Starting point is 00:48:43 It feels your uncle like in our in the sorry sorry stores. Yeah Why two stories too sorry yeah, yeah, that's you people That's your people's thing. Yeah, sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry. It's called sorry sorry sorry sorry story. All right. Yeah, it's just like a It's like a thank you. Thank you story. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah, take a my bad my bad Yeah, debut. What does debut mean? It's like, One year of age. Duh duh duh duh.

Starting point is 00:49:10 Quinceañera. Yeah, it's like quinceañera, but for 18 year olds. But it happens at 16? At 18. 18. And they call it a debut, so you throw a party? Wow. Did they do like extravagant parties? Like they do for- Extravagant.

Starting point is 00:49:23 Really? Yeah, and like gowns are like really big. Yeah. Are they dwarves? It's like a quinceañera kind of. Are they do for? Extravagant. Really? Yeah, and like gowns are like really big. Yeah. Are they dwarves? It's like a continuing kind of. Are they dwarves? They're teams with dwarves. Did you have a debut?

Starting point is 00:49:32 No. Are you gonna have a debut? I don't think so. It's really expensive. How much does it cost to do a debut? How much does it cost to do a debut? I don't know. We should throw her one.

Starting point is 00:49:40 You want us to fund your debut? Yeah. Guys, click below on the dough and the GoFundMe for this view. Yeah, let's see what GoFundMe for your debut. How much is it? It says $200,000. No, what? $600,000?

Starting point is 00:49:49 Oh, that's a two. Okay, so it's either, it's anywhere between a thousand and 12,000 USD. $12,000. $12,000. Oh, it's for grand though. Yeah, but she says. There's moderate. Oh, you want a grand.

Starting point is 00:50:01 Wait, wait, wait. Zoom in, zoom in. It says grander or is this? Moderate means it's so we could, you could for a thousand to 2000 United States dollars, you could do a nice one for like a big show. You do four grand at 12,000, 12,000, a $12,000 Filipino in the Philippines debut. You can buy anything you want for that. Yeah. Right?

Starting point is 00:50:26 Look at that, look at that. Is that her debut? Yeah. Yeah. Wow. What's the word for debut though? They don't say debut. It's just debut.

Starting point is 00:50:32 They do say that? Yeah. Oh, that's why. Oh, they say it, debut though. Debut. Debut. Debut. Welcome to my debut in Cebu.

Starting point is 00:50:39 Yeah. So is there a mute? Like how Jewish kids do the fucking, you know, their bar mitzvah rap videos. Come to my debut in Cebu. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Can you drink it? So if we did a debut, you would drink?

Starting point is 00:50:52 Yeah. And then who's invited? The whole town? Everyone. The whole town, yeah. That's why it's expensive. You gotta pay for everyone's bullshit. Wow.

Starting point is 00:51:00 It's just like a fucking wedding. You gotta pay for everyone's bullshit. Yeah, is there kind of like, ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta kind of music or no i've never been to one so i don't really know you never so we can just go like any kind of music you can pick any music you're stuck in la in your head

Starting point is 00:51:20 i know that's not okay yeah yeah I think I'm stuck, yeah. Yeah. So, all right, so. So no debut for you unless we throw one for you. Maybe we will, I don't know. Would that bum you out not to have a debut? No, it wouldn't, but I know people get so much money from gifts.

Starting point is 00:51:39 Oh yeah, cause they give, yeah. This same thing, Quinceaneras, Bar Mitzvahs, they all get money. They get like a, it's supposed to be like a fund for your new adult life or whatever. So if we're at your debut, okay, the boogal, whatever you call it, okay, and we gave you an envelope of money, American money,

Starting point is 00:51:57 what would be sufficient, do you think? Me and Andrew K, we flew all, now mind you. We flew to the Philippines? We flew all the way to the fucking Philippines. We got hotels to go to some person's da-boo. Yeah but I'm not just some person. Oh what are you, you're a snowflake, an individual. Is that what you're saying?

Starting point is 00:52:18 What? I'm your niece. You're my niece, okay. So how much money would you say, like. Think about how much money I'd spend on sunscreen alone. I know. Would you complain like, about how much money I spent on sunscreen alone I know would you complain like you don't bother only give me so what would be the number that would be suffice for you? It has to be enough so that me and my sister could go to Hawaii for a couple of months What the fuck?

Starting point is 00:52:43 Fucking mom that's so- You were just in Hawaii for a fucking month! That's so much money. Fuck, dude, dude. Americans who have full-time jobs can't afford to go to Hawaii on vacation. For a week, they wanna go for a fucking month. But they were just there for one month! This is your fault. Oh, I'm the bad, yeah.

Starting point is 00:52:59 This is your fault. You know what? You get nothing for your debut. That's insane. So, if I gave you five grand American Highball I'm in a hundred bucks. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I just thought of 2000. I was like, oh, that's too much already All right, what if me and Andrew gave you a hundred dollars? $200 each I'll give you a hundred fucking dollars

Starting point is 00:53:23 It can't be two hundred dollars cuz you've given me $300 before just to do Like just to be alive What are you doing? What do you mean? A couple days after I got here he he woke us up at like 12 a.m. And he was like if you guys suck on this sour ball, I'm gonna give you a hundred dollars. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Starting point is 00:53:51 Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Let's put it into context, let's put it in context. What the fuck are you doing? Shut the fuck up, shut up. I was shut, all right, we gotta explain it better because it sounds a little weird, okay? So I saw TikTok, right, with these sour balls, that you, it's a candy.

Starting point is 00:54:07 I've seen them. You've seen them, right? They're like, what are they, sour warheads? They're like warheads. Sour warheads, right? So I woke them up, cause I just got them, I found them in the box, they just got delivered. Sure.

Starting point is 00:54:17 So I guess, what did I say? I'll give you- $100, yeah, I'll give you $100 if you can suck this for- One minute. One minute. One minute. I can rephrase all this. I'll give you $100 if you can suck this for one minute. One minute. Rephrase all this. I'll give you $100 if you can eat this. Eat this. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:54:28 Suck this ball. It's insane. I know. But he kept saying you have to suck it. You have to suck it. You don't eat it, you suck it. Fuck off. Right? You don't eat it, you suck it. Right, Carlos? Yeah. Yeah. Carlos, you have all the knowledge. You know, you bite. Right, Carlos? He bites it. Yeah, he bites it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You lick it, you suck it. Right, Carlos? Yeah, yeah. Carlos, you have all the money. You bite, he bites it.

Starting point is 00:54:47 Yeah, he bites it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You lick it. You lick it. So they did a minute and I gave him a hundred bucks. It was so easy. Yeah, yeah. Do you have money on you right now?

Starting point is 00:54:57 Yes. Do another challenge then for a hundred. This will be your... No, I don't have anything to suck. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have nothing around here. Anyway, let's move on. This will be no I don't have anything to suck no Nothing around here anyway, let's move on Stop all right, so here's the thing okay listen all right give me one of those hules to see if they can chug Oh, yeah, that's not a thing all right

Starting point is 00:55:19 So what I'm saying is is that sometimes I get generous, but you do get very no That's why I don't think I'd be a good dad dad no you'd be a great no because I would spoil the fuck I like what do I do with the cats you all feed them overfeed everyone what treats yeah King King treats right I treat living things in in in my vicinity with praise and with gifts except for for me. And that's, yes I do, dude. You, nope, not praise. My talent. Your talent?

Starting point is 00:55:49 Yeah. That's interesting. Yeah, you know what? Yes, congratulations, dude. I'm offering you my services for being a talent. Services denied. Okay, right? Services declined.

Starting point is 00:56:01 And I accept your talent as well, and that's a gift. I give you so much more than that. Exactly, that's my point. No, that's not your point. Yeah, because your point is, is that's a gift. I give you so much more than that. Exactly, that's my point. No, that's not your point. Yeah, because your point is, how come you don't give me a gift? For your fucking birthday, where did I get you? I got you a fucking golf fucking thing.

Starting point is 00:56:12 One time, fuck you. Give me something real this year. All right, what do you want? You wanna know what I want? Yeah, I wanna know what you want. Something big. Okay. The suck-on?

Starting point is 00:56:22 You've got... Give me a sour ball to suck on. Yeah. Yeah, I can't suck on those sour balls, but my point is, is this. All right. So what you're saying to me right now, ladies, is I'm being too generous with you. Yeah. You need to stop the generosity. It stops everyone here right now. It stops here and now. This is the problem. No more cash.

Starting point is 00:56:41 Because little nieces are so sweet and they're so nice, but then what they're really doing is they're pulling, they're manipulating you to give them more money. No, well I'm not. I don't know about Issa. No, I've never, never. Sounds like it. Here's another thing that occurred last night,

Starting point is 00:57:00 if I just may, while we're at it. Don't like your attitude right now, by way that little face you did bullshit okay so um don't scare me what did you do the other night you scared my eyes what are you talking about slow down what are you saying you? Slow down. What are you saying? You scared them. He was being a little weirdo. I'm sorry guys. So just by me being alive and around is scary. You know what he did? He waited for so long. He was just crawled up in the corner and he was waiting for me to go up. And he screamed at me when I got up the stairs and it was creepy.

Starting point is 00:57:45 All right. Okay, but when I say this, don't do it back. No, well it's gonna, there's gonna be no retribution. Yeah, because it was, I should have known because I'll tell you why I should have known. All the signs, all the signs were there for me to know. So usually when I walk into the house, I come home around midnight to one in the morning, right?

Starting point is 00:58:08 Yeah. And the dogs are in their room. So I have four dogs. Sleeping? No, they go hog wild when I walk in. Right. But they never let them out, right? But last night I opened the door and they're just out.

Starting point is 00:58:21 Roaming around. Roaming around. So you shoulda known. Right, and I look into their room. First of all, they all share one room, three people. Like sardines. Yeah, I'm talking about Amistad. I mean, it's like, how do you sleep in that room?

Starting point is 00:58:36 We have the Japanese like floor bed and we just share all three of them. And then somebody gets the couch. Don't you have another fucking room? Yeah, but it's getting redone and also. Yeah, and the bathroom upstairs is broken. It's broken, yeah. Why is it broken?

Starting point is 00:58:49 Because I'm getting remodeled, but I can't get it remodeled until they completely move out. Because you think you need to. I can get it remodeled now since you guys live downstairs. It's a lot though. Who cares?

Starting point is 00:59:00 I mean, it's like a lot of people in the house. A lot of animals, it's like a lot. I have seven animals. Anyway, let's get to the so um the dogs are out I Look in the room. They're not there and for some reason. I was just like oh well And I just walk up the stairs Completely dark on this you know I mean on my the second floor of the house right and then your mom Which is like you know not a boo or ah Like a Filipino ghost.

Starting point is 00:59:29 I think it is a Filipino. Yeah, and it scared me a bit, right, yeah. So, all right, let's continue this game. Yeah, the scare game. It's not a competition. Yeah. It's not. How much longer is this living situation gonna be like this?

Starting point is 00:59:43 Indefinitely, probably. It seems indefinite. Really? Yeah, like when do you think? I don't know. Yeah, me either. I leave soon. Yeah, leaving soon.

Starting point is 00:59:51 You go back to the Philippines? When? On the 12th. Wow. Soon. And then when do you know when you come back? You don't? Yeah, I don't know. But the client wants her to come back on September.

Starting point is 01:00:03 September. And then go to Hawaii. Again. Jesus Christ. These kids are living like a family. I understand. And now that you graduated. I'm free.

Starting point is 01:00:13 You're free. It's free. So you might come back September. Yeah. September 11th maybe? It's a good date. It's a great holiday for us. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:00:22 Have you heard of September 11th? What happened that day? You know, no, I don't tell us what happened. No, we don't know because we were in a coma both of us Yeah, yeah, 2001. We were both in a coma what happened tells about September 11th. Don't Google it. So yeah, I want to see if I know I know but what happened on 9-11? Yeah, what did happen? The Twin Towers and stuff. Okay.

Starting point is 01:00:49 See, this is what's interesting now. Okay, go ahead. Because she wasn't alive for 9-11. Yeah. So what she thinks happened probably didn't happen. That's why we wanna know. What do you think happened? You guys are just gaslighting.

Starting point is 01:00:59 No. You guys are like, you guys are just gaslighting. Neither of you were alive for 9-11, So how the fuck do you know what happened? We asked mama about it and you know about it Yeah, so no one knows about it What do you know Philippines like I don't know? Yeah, cuz mama doesn't know anything. Yeah I don't know did the Philippines have their own

Starting point is 01:01:22 9-eleven ever or no Well, it happens like every day there. Oh, every day is 9-11 there. I'm at like very bad things. Oh yeah, killings. Remember Duterte? Is that his name? Duterte. Let me see that. That's 2021 terrorist incidents in North Cotabato.

Starting point is 01:01:40 Buses were bombed and torched. In September, eight persons were wounded in an explosion at a volleyball court in Dato Payang. Yeah, when you say the name, why do you do an accent? That's how you have to say it. I know. It's like when someone, like a white person comes back from going to Mexico,

Starting point is 01:01:57 and you're like, oh my God, I loved my time in Mexico. In Mexico. In Mexico. It's the same thing, yeah. Bruce and I had a lot of fun in Puerto Vallarta. Yeah. But you know what the irony of this is? Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:02:11 These motherfuckers, foreigners get mad at us when we don't do it. That's the fucking irony with you fuckheads. Yeah. Like on the internet, you know how many dickheads I've seen on TikTok being like, it's Iran. It's not Iran. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:02:23 Hey, so I want the girl's advice on something. Fancy is going away to Spain. So we need to replace him because we don't have anybody at the studio. And we asked for Spaniards specifically, right? Yeah. Is that right? Yeah. And we got submissions of Spaniards that are going to replace him. And we want you guys to help picking somebody from this list. Can you do that? Yeah. Fantastic. First impressions, Bob. Nice nose. I like the Adrian Brody vibe. I love it too.

Starting point is 01:02:50 Yeah, like he went through like a war. Alejandro Brody. Yeah, I like it. Go ahead. All right, let's see. Hola, Bad Friends podcast. Me llamo Sergio. I am living in Hollywood, but I am from Spain,

Starting point is 01:03:03 specifically Catalan. He's lying. But I also grew up in Malaga. I would love to be your new Spaniard on podcast. I'm just kidding, bro. I'm Indian. I do live in LA. I am Canadian.

Starting point is 01:03:18 I'm funny as fuck. I love your podcast. He stopped by Pushposs. What he's trying to do, he doesn't know what the job is. We're not looking for, you know what I mean? A guest. It's a guest. Yeah, we're looking for someone

Starting point is 01:03:31 that's gonna work behind the scenes. All right, who do we got on our submissions? This is Andres. Hello, hola amigos. My name is Andres. I heard you guys were looking for a new Andres. So here I am sending my submission. And one thing is I'm actually not from Spain.

Starting point is 01:03:49 I'm from Colombia. But I think it's the next best thing because we have cocaine. So yeah, I think I would make a good job of filling in for the other Andres because I can make quirky comments every episode. And you guys can tell me to shut the fuck up. So yeah, Bobby, Andrew, I love you guys.

Starting point is 01:04:08 I've been watching you for years. All right, pause it. Hi, Al. I don't know if he's from Columbia. I think he's putting on an accent again. I think he's another liar. But the piece that I'm now arguing with myself with is clearly done on an Android.

Starting point is 01:04:22 So I'm like, he could be a foreigner. This is not an iPhone. How do you know it's an Android? The video quality is odd. It's different than what we're used to. Can I- And by the way, usually better video quality on Android. This looks strange.

Starting point is 01:04:33 Something, so it means the conversion switch when it got to an iPhone. Can I defend him real quick? Please. I mean, I like him. I like him because he's just like Andreas in this sense. And I don't want you to be offended by it, but he's not sexually threatening.

Starting point is 01:04:45 Right. Right. It's something very asexual. You know what I mean? Like nothing. Right. Like Barbie, just nothing down there. Ken, I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:04:56 It's just the smooth sailing. Okay, so then he's high-filling. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he doesn't come to at the end of this and say, hey, I'm just kidding, I'm American, right? I don't think so. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait What are we doing with you anymore? What are we doing? Should we fire him too and get two new people in the booth?

Starting point is 01:05:27 Well, with you today, Sada, should we bring him? Only because- And I go, really? And you go, we gotta bring him, right? And I'm always like, really? Someone's gotta shoot the show. He's gotta shoot the show.

Starting point is 01:05:41 Don't you love McCone to Andrew? I fucking hate him lately. He's pissing me off in a way. You like McCone. I like McCone you like you like McCone why do you like him I do you guys like him what do you like better McCone or EJ be real right now go fast fast don't think we like that we love that out with McCone and his friends and oh my god they're so cool. When the fuck did that happen? When the fuck did that happen? Because Makone wanted to buy a dress

Starting point is 01:06:09 for like filming something for me, so we hung out and then oh my god, his friends are just so cool. When the fuck was this? Before they left, we went to the silver like flea. The flea market? Yeah, and we've never been there, so we were like, oh my god.

Starting point is 01:06:23 You were there too? Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop You were there too? Oh my god, yeah. Wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop. Oh, you might get fired. My blood is boiling. Okay, so let me get this straight.

Starting point is 01:06:36 Yeah. Okay? Yeah. You met him at the flea market. Here's the address. No, his house. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. met him at the flea market. Here's the address. No, his house. What? So you have his address. Yeah. So you bring the Prius to his house. Yeah. And then do you go, all right, I'll follow

Starting point is 01:07:02 you in the car or do you guys get in one car? One car. Oh my god! Cuck, cuck, cuck, cuck! Oh my god! And then... Did you go inside his place before? Yeah, his place is so cool! Oh really?

Starting point is 01:07:16 It's very artsy and... And did he go, look how bouncy... Do you wanna move in there? Why don't you move in there? I don't like it so much. Was the bed bouncy? No, I didn't. Okay. Ooh, he did a tour of the house. Why don't you move? Was the bed bouncy? No, I didn't.

Starting point is 01:07:26 He did a tour of the house. By the way, what do you mean tour? It's one room. It's literally one fucking room. So this is the corner of the room. This is the other corner of the room. Check it out. Two more corners. That's so funny. So then you went to the flea market in one car.

Starting point is 01:07:44 To dress for a sketch? that sketch you guys shot? Yeah. And you got a dress, and you bought the dress? So he's buying her dresses. And then, and don't, okay, I'm gonna ask you another question. What? Was there other things you did, like a coffee run?

Starting point is 01:07:59 Oh yeah, he bought us coffee. He bought us coffee too. Before we got there, he was was like do you guys want coffee? Where'd you guys go? Let me guess. Alfred. No, they went no. He's over on his side of town. Oh, I see Yeah, so where'd you guys go? Where'd you go? Blue note? No, no he went to Stereoscopic. Yeah, yeah On Sunset? Yeah, yeah Yeah, no, I know. It's an indie place

Starting point is 01:08:25 Yeah, it's actually it's actually the neighborhoods. Yeah, that, yeah. The one right by. Yeah, no, I know, I know. It's an indie place? Yeah, it's actually, it's actually. Hipster, hipster. The neighborhoods, right? Yeah, they're so cool, like his friend group. Yeah. Yeah, I couldn't, yeah. That bother you or no? No, dude, because he's 25.

Starting point is 01:08:36 Oh, yeah, right. He's 23. 23. Oh, so same age. It's the same age of Loser. Yeah, yeah. It's the same age of Loser. No, I feel like a Loser compared to him.

Starting point is 01:08:43 You are, but he is too. I think I would have to say that you're a bigger name. I used to think you were so cool. Yeah. What do you mean? This is not cool. Yeah, it's not cool. Here's another thing that bothers me,

Starting point is 01:08:57 and now thank you for bringing this up. You're welcome, man, yeah. Are my farts bothering you? Yeah, twice. Yeah, because I've been noticing my own farts and you've been ignoring them. Well, because we were in a groove. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:09:09 And then I thought, if he does it again, I will say something, but it's gotta be out of the context. So I just wanna say SOS. One's coming. Not one in the context. Yeah, yeah, okay. But isn't that nice to me? I thought we're in a comedic groove,

Starting point is 01:09:19 don't wanna break the groove. Yeah, that one bothered me. Yeah, it was just disgusting. Yeah, it was gross. Yeah, yeah. So anyway, here's another thing that me. Yes, just that one. I just yeah, it's gross. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway Here's another thing that your sister revealed to me last night But don't look at her like that. Oh, I think what I think you get I think you get recognized more than you admit You get recognized true. I don't think you know that's like today again. Oh, yeah

Starting point is 01:09:40 Yeah at the beach what happened? Someone was asking her if we were leaving you're leaving for parking and then I was like no We just got here and then yeah, wait the beach. Yeah. At the beach, what happened? Someone was asking her if the- We were leaving. We were leaving. For parking and then I was like, no, we just got here. And then she's like, wait, you're Rudy. Yeah. Okay, and then the hamburger place the other day too. Uh-huh, in and out. In and out. Are you getting recognized now?

Starting point is 01:09:55 That's gonna be fucking insane. That's gonna be insane. But you get recognized every day now. Not every day. In Hawaii, anytime? No. Not one time. No, the Hawaii's different.

Starting point is 01:10:04 There was one time, but, the Hawaii's different. There was one time, but you could tell the dude wasn't a local. Yeah, it was a white guy from the... Yeah. A main island white guy. Yeah. The mainland white guy doesn't count. All right, so let's go through some more.

Starting point is 01:10:17 Let's go to another one. This guy's high on our tick list, right? Mm-hmm. What's his name? Andres? Andres. I like it. Non-sexual. I'm 50-50 if it's real. I'm not kidding. Okay. I scrubbed through it this guy. Hola, me llamo Samuel. Push pause. Out.

Starting point is 01:10:30 Hola, me llama. What the fuck? I'll give him a chance. Alright, go ahead. Como estas? I would like to be the new Spaniard in the booth. I lived in Spain for 33 years, and now I live in Los Angeles. Pause. If you guys. He's under 33. And why the fuck is his shirt off? Why in the fuck is this guy in bed with his shirt? You couldn't put a shirt on when you're doing a fucking video.

Starting point is 01:10:55 And then what serial killer does he romance you of? Dahmer, that's Dahmer. Exactly. I thought it was gonna come out when he first started talking at those events. Exactly, that's young Dahmer. Hey guys, I was thinking about coming over there to the booth and being a, and by the way,

Starting point is 01:11:07 all this being said, hi on the list. Oh, you think so? Sure, I think that's a good thing. He's funny, he's cool, I like him. Yeah, next. That's the thing about our fans that people don't get. We like it when you're fucking weirdos. Yeah, we like weirdos.

Starting point is 01:11:19 That's top shit. Hi, bad friends, it's Luke Crichton. Pause. I'm, uh. Out. Yeah, what are you gonna build us a gazebo? Shit hi bad friends. It's Luke right in pause Yeah, what are you gonna build us a gazebo What are you gonna do for a new deck at my house? Yeah? Yeah, what's going on here? We don't need a youth pastor Want to talk to you about the Lord Luke is Xavier still here. What is he's here. What is he doing? He's just sitting.

Starting point is 01:11:45 Xavier, what are you doing? Come over here. He's rocking back and forth. We got a new guy, Xavier, that's gonna be on the show a little bit. Look at him. Xavier. Xavier, what are you doing back there?

Starting point is 01:11:56 I'm just sitting, I'm taking notes. Okay, can I tell you the first time I met Xavier? Maybe he's replacing fans. I know, can I tell you the first time I met him? Yeah. It's the funniest thing. I'd seen'd seen him before but never really talked to him. So I'm in fucking Vegas, right and Bargatze Nate Bargatze goes let's go to a fucking skank fest So he I get a Nate's car we drive to skank fest, right and then I lose Nate I'm you know, and I'm just kind of wandering around and there is an acid tent

Starting point is 01:12:25 There's a tent. What? Is this a cigar tent? Cigar tent, but people were saying this is where everyone's on acid. Sure, that makes sense. So I sit there next to Xavier and he's doing this. You're me, right?

Starting point is 01:12:36 He's like. I go, what's up dude? He goes, nothing. I go, you high? He goes, I'm hallucinating. Right, like no information. I see you're at the start. He goes, yeah.

Starting point is 01:12:49 Like kind of breathing, like. Just tripping balls. Tripping his balls off. Well, how many tabs did you have? I did one, but it was really strong. And I feel like at the point where we all were like, dude, like it's really starting to fucking hit us right now. Bobby Lee just sits down next to me and I just thought I did,

Starting point is 01:13:07 I froze up. Yeah, yeah. He was breathing loud. I go, what's your problem today? I go, this is, what's going on? Xavier, do you use a lot? No. You're not a big drug user?

Starting point is 01:13:19 No, when I'm like around like certain friends, like we'll go. Yeah. Who were you with that night? Hormoz, Rishi, Kim Kong, Dancer. Oh, we know all of them. Living Acid. How about this, if there was a chance for us

Starting point is 01:13:30 to have you on the show on Acid, on the show, would you do that? No, dude, I can't. You can't do it on camera, you'd freak out. Well, I don't know that I'd freak out, but I have to like drive here, like I don't. No, we'll get you a fucking car. No, we'll Uber you here,

Starting point is 01:13:42 we'll get maybe three drops of acid, three hits. Three hits. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember that the job is to record this. Yeah, and then sit down, right? No, we'll get you know, what are you here? We'll get maybe three drops of acid three hits And then sit down right and we'll uber your back Podcast that's kind of like how we did it whose Kim is that you were on it Those are my first met you in this bitch this bitch Kim and Sarah. I don't remember. I honestly don't know what you're talking about but okay yeah yeah well I'm gonna tell you something yeah yeah talk closer to the mic okay we're excited you're gonna we're gonna you're gonna be with us for a little bit on the show yeah that's gonna be a lot of we're gonna dose yeah yeah

Starting point is 01:14:14 yeah can we dose you know yeah yeah thank you is either does stand up to right yeah yeah that's what I was doing there. I was on the show. Oh, yeah, okay, okay. It shows. No. Don't be a dick, dude. At least Xavier can go up on stage

Starting point is 01:14:34 and walk through that fear, you piece of shit. I gotta tell you something. Yeah. That was ice cold. So we're going to Spain. We're gonna go to Spain to shoot a movie for Fancy. Yeah, so Fancy's directing a movie. It's a zombie.

Starting point is 01:14:46 The zombie, oh. Oh yeah. Yeah, you're, hey, whatever that. I thought it was canceled. It is, it should be. It should be. But he, I guess, found. My publicist is there, thank you.

Starting point is 01:14:55 Yeah. He got like oil money or something, somebody is funding it. I don't know how he got the money. Cartel. Cartel, but we are going there, we're booking the flights, three days, and this is a really big test.

Starting point is 01:15:05 I wanna know what he's gonna be like. On set? As a director. I'm beyond excited. Yeah, and I wanna know if you listen to his notes. I'm fine, I think if you gave me direction, I'd be like, okay, Andreas. Shut the fuck up, you liar.

Starting point is 01:15:21 You're not taking any notes from him. Fuck, I'm King Note'm king note brother bro I go let me do an adjustment that's why I say on movies all the time I'd like to do the adjustment well let me tell you something right now can you do an adjustment can you learn your lines oh my god I'll tell you something right now I'm not taking any of your fucking notes you can shove them up your ass Andrew I think yeah, whatever you said,

Starting point is 01:15:45 Andrew, I think slow the line down, you know what I mean? Because people really grasp, it's a serious, what would you say? Is that what you want me to do? Yeah. Okay. Action. We're gonna get us out of the building.

Starting point is 01:15:59 You do the polar opposite. 100%. Oh, you give me a note. Bob. Hold on, dude. Did you say cut? No, cut, you give me a note. Bob. Hold on, dude. Bobby. Did you say cut? No, cut, cut, cut, cut.

Starting point is 01:16:08 All right. Please, on this scene, can you be more emotional? It's emotional scene. Okay. Okay, action. Yeah, he died. Perfect. You think so?

Starting point is 01:16:20 Well, we're gonna cut you out of that movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, thank you for your submissions. I don't think we've found anybody yet. We'll keep searching. The undressed guy is good. The Asian guy. Okay. Congratulations on your, once again,

Starting point is 01:16:33 fantasy-fueled life of journeyness to Hawaii, both of you girls. I've never met people who have gone to Hawaii, so for months at a time, their living vacation. And by the way, all your fault. Well, I mean- All your mean, I don't fund their flights or their hotel room. In a way.

Starting point is 01:16:50 I guess you're right. Your graduation gift was really nice. What was it? The place. Oh yeah, I gave you a fucking debut in Hawaii on a beach. And did I pay for the house too? Yeah. I wasn't even for the house too? Yeah. I wasn't even at the house.

Starting point is 01:17:07 You're the only guy I know that doesn't even know what he's paying for. I know. You have no idea. Yeah, I'm like, you'd be the greatest partner. I showed up, I'm like, oh, this is pretty cool, who's funding it?

Starting point is 01:17:16 You are! I am? Yeah. I love that. Yeah, and I brought all the, that was a, you know what can I say about that day? You were there too. That that was a you know, what can I say about that day? You were there, too. Mm hmm. That weekend.

Starting point is 01:17:28 Was I think one of the greatest weekends of my life in a long time. Say it. I just said it. Well, go on. Explain why. I. What made it so special? I don't know. It was just the shows went well Friday and, you know, I brought three openers from the Comedy Store. Yeah. Mike, Ariana and Ramsey Baddawi. Everyone was at the beach, right? And then Kalyla and that side of the family was there. It was just everyone kind of got along. It was like, you know, beautiful. You know, it was just everyone kind of got along. It was like, you know beautiful, you know, it was just a great weekend

Starting point is 01:18:06 Yeah, beautiful. It made you feel something Yeah, that it's not over. Well, let me tell you something Every single week of my life with you on the greatest week of my life It's so dumb dude You think I don't mean it? Yeah, but before when I go, you know what I mean? I'm the gift to you. You're the gift to me You're the gift that keeps on giving You're the gift that keeps on giving. You're the gift that keeps on giving to me too.

Starting point is 01:18:29 I'm the gift that keeps on giving. To me. And you're the gift that someone else already got me. So I'm gonna pretend like I love it, but I'm gonna regift it to somebody else. Okay, good. I want you in my life. I want you in my life forever.

Starting point is 01:18:42 I love you. Girls, look in the camera and sign off. You know what to do. Thank you for being a bad friend. Woo. Yeah. Woo. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:18:59 Woo. Yeah. Woo. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

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