Bad Friends - The Producers' Biggest Mistake

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, bad friends, I am gonna be performing on New Year's Eve and New Year's Eve Eve, the 30th and the 31st at the Wilbur Theater in Boston, Massachusetts. Boston, come on out and see me if you're in the area. Come see me, if you got plans on New Year's Eve, come out New Year's Eve Eve, 30th and 31st, AndrewSantino.com to get the tickets.

Starting point is 00:00:16 Boston, I can't wait to celebrate New Year's Eve and Eve Eve with you, AndrewSantino.com. Hey, you guys, obviously we have merch. We got merch, it's back. And these shirts have sold out and we made some more. We made some more shirts for you guys. We restocked these favorite shirts. This is me and Bobby, close talking.

Starting point is 00:00:34 We've talked about this before. That's me and Bobby just talking real close. This is us as coffee mugs. That's us as the mugs, baby. You guys liked them. We sold out. We made a couple of more for you guys. So you just go to badfriendsmerch.com

Starting point is 00:00:43 or look down in the description below. We'll have the link to the shirts. So go pick up some new merch at badfriendsmerch.com. You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? Woo. White dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.

Starting point is 00:00:57 Woo. You two are something. We're bad friends. All rise. Okay. The Bad Friends Court is now in session. Honorable Judge Bobby Lee and honorable Judge Andrew Santino presiding.

Starting point is 00:01:14 Please be seated. Be seated. I don't know. Be seated. I'm not judge Edo. Judge Lee. Judge Lee Edo. Judge Lee Edo.

Starting point is 00:01:23 And you're, he's Andrew George Washington. Andrew George Washington. Please be seated. Interesting, interesting. I'm just getting into care. Interesting. Very good to be here. Welcome to this court case.

Starting point is 00:01:37 I'm very, I'm very excited. And I'm gonna do my due diligence and my oath to my office. And I am going to really speculate and analyze. And I'm going to contemplate all the ideas and the weight of it all. Really good to be here. I'm Judge Edo.

Starting point is 00:01:59 What is your name? Judge George Washington. I have wooden teeth. That's all I know. I don't know how many, I don't know what he does, what he sounds like. Keep going. Wonderful to be here.

Starting point is 00:02:12 Judging and presiding amongst this case. Let's bring the defendant. What is Ellen DeGeneres doing here? Whoa, I didn't know we're doing voices. She's the attorney. For the man on trial, Carlos Herrera, please approach. Interesting, very good. Is that a bomb?

Starting point is 00:02:40 Yeah, a bulletproof vest in case somebody decides to ratatate him. Are you the Unabomber? What the fuck is going on here? Can I see the paperwork? Your hands on the Bible. Do you solemnly swear to tell the whole truth, all of the truth and nothing but the truth,

Starting point is 00:02:57 so help you, God? I do. Are you Catholic? Yes. God bless. Are you sure you're Catholic? Yes, I'm Catholic. From your hairline, it looks Jewish.

Starting point is 00:03:09 I didn't say that, okay. Did I say that? Yeah. The hairline seems. Do you have anything to say for yourself prior to starting any words for the judges? Mm-hmm. Just that you guys take empathy on me

Starting point is 00:03:23 and go lightly on me. Death penalty. Next. Objection. Huh? Thank you. We're in California. I think you're gonna have to see,

Starting point is 00:03:36 I don't think you can do death penalty. This lawyer is good. Thank you. This lawyer is good. Where's the lawyer? She is good. The education, see? God's still communicating.

Starting point is 00:03:46 Try. She's got some. Calamar College. That's SEC right there. Yeah, SEC right there. Finding artichokes. Ah, amazing. Finding artichokes.

Starting point is 00:03:53 Okay, Mr. Generous. Mr. Generous. Your client is accused of mouth fucking Bobby's ex. How do you, how do you plead? Oh, that's the trial, okay. How do you plead? Not guilty. Well, interesting because we have

Starting point is 00:04:08 footage. Footage, video proof. Okay. Of your jewelry lips. Can I say that? It doesn't seem. Can the court define how he's talking? Your greasy jewelry lips.

Starting point is 00:04:22 Can you handle jewelry lips for me? Can I handle it? Yeah, I mean. I mean, I'm okay. We're paying you. I'm not saying it, but I can handle hearing it. Okay, cool. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:04:32 What is, what is your defense? My defense is, I think the case is that Carlos is guilty and messed around with Kalilah, but, you know. Wait, are you, I thought you were my lawyer. Are you? Is he his lawyer? Am I high right now? No.

Starting point is 00:04:52 Excuse me, are you, are you the prosecutor or the defense attorney? I'm defending my client and saying he's not guilty in that he can, he can mouth fuck whoever he wants. Oh. Oh, interesting. Oh, I like that. Oh, like, I like that.

Starting point is 00:05:06 That's the case. It's like James Bond, but for mouth fucking. He has a license to kill, but licensed to mouth fuck. Yeah. Interesting. 007 Medics in Heaven. May I see that certificate? My certificate for mouth fucking.

Starting point is 00:05:19 Well, he has a license to mouth fuck anybody, correct? Uh, yeah. Mr. Generous. That's the case. Mr. Generous, please show us the document. May I see the license? I would like to get that license today in court. We've registered, we've registered.

Starting point is 00:05:37 She's filing for a license. I'm filing for a license. Interesting. File denied. Denied. Because that should be, because, you know, it's been a year that he has been, you know what I mean? And you knew this court date was going to happen a year

Starting point is 00:05:51 and today is the day you file? I found out about this an hour ago. Wonderful. Wow. What an attorney. What an attorney. When did you graduate? 2008.

Starting point is 00:06:01 Oh, high school or college? I'm sorry, I'm unprepared. Elementary school. What's in the briefcase? What is in your case? She's bringing out the good stuff. Some documents should help her now. Let's see.

Starting point is 00:06:15 In my briefcases, nothing like the basis of this case. Empty. Hollow. Order. This is a waste of my time. Order. Thank you. Wow.

Starting point is 00:06:28 Interesting. So that's your opening statement. And that Carlos should be able to mouthbook whoever he wants. So now we have here like evidence against the accused. Do we have a prosecutor though? Yeah. Who's that? We are the prosecutor.

Starting point is 00:06:45 So we brought Carlos into the bathroom family. One second. We couldn't find an American person. I have no idea why we did this. It's bad. It's really bad. But look, we'll deport him when this is over. But there's an actual American that's the other prosecutor may hit.

Starting point is 00:07:03 Can he be the one? Does he even know American laws? Whoa. Whoa. Order. Order. He's fucking greasy. I will control my client.

Starting point is 00:07:14 I apologize. Thank you. Thank you. The problem with the other guy is he doesn't speak English well. It's bad. The fat one? Listen to what he says. Go ahead.

Starting point is 00:07:24 Listen to him for a second. I don't do English good. Oh, I see. It's just tough to listen to. Yeah, it's difficult. Go on, fancy boy. Well, I'm very disappointed on Carlos, because we brought him into the bathroom family. And he stole Bobby's girlfriend from him, and that's the reason they broke up.

Starting point is 00:07:43 And we have hard evidence that that's the case. And I want to present exhibit A to the court right now. But we'd love to see it. And this has started a year ago. This is November 16, 2021. Screen's not on. So I don't know if we're going to show it, but man, this, this prosecution is slacking real bad.

Starting point is 00:08:08 I said the prosecution is the team behind this podcast. I really, I believe that fully. The TV was off. Nothing's on. Maybe the funniest thing I've ever seen. All right, here we go. Here we go. Okay.

Starting point is 00:08:22 Let's see the evidence that you've brought into the court. We're just based on, well, I don't know. I'm not familiar with this podcast, but we have to the left of their, um, it seems like a foreigner in the white. It seems like an only fans, correct? Performer. Correct. Is that a little girl, wait, a child, a little girl, a child, the little, the middle one

Starting point is 00:08:46 is a, um, only fans, only fans. And then we have a foreigner on top of what's that on the ground. That's not me, so quick to, quick to jump. Well, prosecutor, who's the person on the bottom, on his back? So Kalala is on top of Carlos. And then how do we know that's Carlos? I mean, I honestly, I really wouldn't be able to identify. How do we have proof that that's Carlos?

Starting point is 00:09:08 Well, let me go to exhibit V then. I'd like to motion to throw that out of court. While it's thrown out, admissible, because we have no idea, admissible. They might lose. Well, a month later. Oh, here we go. Oh no. Okay.

Starting point is 00:09:26 This happened in Hawaii. Uh-huh. December 21st, 2021, got it. What's happening here? It seems as if there's a fan taking a picture with Kalala. That's Carlos. No, you know what, I do identify the, the, I know the hat is deceiving, but if you look at that little, you know, that little strap at the hat and above that region, yeah, literally

Starting point is 00:09:49 no hair. I see that now. Yeah. That's incredible. So that, is that you, Mr. Herrera? Off my lawyer ass, you didn't see it for me. Um, we're not, uh, you're not cross examining my witness right now. So.

Starting point is 00:10:03 We're just, we're not cross examining, we're just asking you as a lawyer, is that? Oh, okay. I was asking if you were crossing. No. Just making sure. First of all, we're the judge, we can fucking do whatever we want. Yes, your honors. So, so.

Starting point is 00:10:16 All due respect. Uh, you may ask. Mr. Generous. Okay. Thank you. Mr. Generous. Mr. Herrera. Yes.

Starting point is 00:10:24 Is that you in this photo? I don't recall the year after COVID. If that's 2021, we'll have, I, I need a doctor to explain. Based on the photograph that you see, is that you? Yes. Okay. Ah, very good. By the way, you could have still stuck with, don't recall.

Starting point is 00:10:44 You bailed. Excuse me. Sorry, but he bailed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that is you, sir. And that woman to your right is whom? To my right. Um, that's a camera to my right.

Starting point is 00:10:53 Oh, I don't like the attitude, the attitude is, take a second. Also what he doesn't realize is, uh. It's my right in the picture. In the picture. In your right, in the, in physically your right, who is on your physical right there? That looks like a Hawaiian girl. That looks like Santa Claus. Well, I'll, I'll, I know I'm the judge and I'm impartial, but that is Kalila, because

Starting point is 00:11:15 I dated her for 10 years. Oh, yeah. I thought that was Santa. That's not Santa Claus. Okay. What is, uh, what does Kalila Claus seem to be doing with her, her left hand? I believe she is helping that guy in the green shirt, uh, pull up his pants. You, you pull up his pants?

Starting point is 00:11:32 Yeah. She's just doing it, um, from a different angle. Well, it's interesting because the pants obviously look like they're already on. They're already on. They're already on. I would like to say that we can't see if there's a belt on or not. Order. Order.

Starting point is 00:11:45 I've been a judge for 47 years. Yeah. Never in my life have I, I've seen such erroneous, miscommunication of misinformation. This woman is cupping your penis. Yes or no, sir. No, sir. I respect the court. I'm not trying to get.

Starting point is 00:11:57 Order! It's a yes or no answer. No. I'm checking your honor. You go ahead, Ellen. I would like to say that it is clear that my client here has, as he said, had suffered some memory damage due to COVID and it's very clear that she is, she is touching him in this picture.

Starting point is 00:12:15 He doesn't even seem to be aware if we maybe saw a little bit after this photo and how he reacted. It seems like he has suffered some sexual assault abuse and suffered memory damage. Thank you. I mean, I can accept that argument because they're doing a really great job and look at it right. He doesn't see it. No, because that's right there on impact.

Starting point is 00:12:34 Yeah, an impact. Right. So we don't know the reaction after that. Correct. He could have been like, whoa! Right. Exactly. Right.

Starting point is 00:12:42 So I'm suing her COVID times. We've got to get rid of this. You guys are doing a really good job. It's terrible, I have it. As far as right now goes, he's innocent. He's innocent at this point. At this point, I've seen nothing. Nothing.

Starting point is 00:12:50 Okay. I'll bring Exhibit C. Exhibit C. Okay. Well, that's definitely not our call. It's not Carlos at all. That's not the gentleman. That's definitely not the gentleman.

Starting point is 00:12:58 That guy has got a full head and hair. That guy has a full head and hair. That's one of the Beatles. Yeah. That is George Harrison. That's George Harrison. That's Yoko. Correct.

Starting point is 00:13:08 Yeah. So if John Lennon's here, right, and if John Lennon was here and he was accusing George Harrison of, you know, fine, fine, but now, but they're put dead. Yeah. Prosecution. Whom is this photo claiming to be? This is Kalala and Carlos on a live stream show. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:13:24 I've dated Kalala for 10 years. That is not her. That's definitely Yoko. No. That's definitely George Harrison. That is Yoko and that is George Harrison. Yeah. Any more evidence to present to us?

Starting point is 00:13:33 Evidence. Yeah. Yes. Interesting. Oh, I don't know. Okay. Oh, my God. Carlos.

Starting point is 00:13:41 Is that a video or a photo? This is all photograph evidence. Unfortunately, we do agree that that is Carlos could be. Perhaps. Who the fuck is on the bottom? We have no idea. No idea? Well, can I call a witness?

Starting point is 00:13:56 No. Well, who is it? Who's the witness? The judge, George Washington. He's there. Oh, George Washington. George Washington. I didn't realize.

Starting point is 00:14:05 George Washington. You are in the photo. Interesting. That's not me. So, yes, you made it. That is not you? That's my brother. That's your brother?

Starting point is 00:14:13 Yes. That's my brother, Tim Washington. Tim, oh, that's Tim Washington. Yeah. That is Tim Washington. I can speak on behalf of my brother. He looks disgusting. He looks disgusting.

Starting point is 00:14:22 Okay, correct. He is disgusted by the behavior. Zoom down. This is, I'm going to help the prosecution. Yeah. I'm going to do on the person on the ground's leg, ankle. Does that look familiar? Judgido.

Starting point is 00:14:37 Lee. It does. But. Whom has a tattoo similar to that? My ex-girlfriend, Halala. You guys are doing, I'm doing all the fucking work for you guys. This is the shit you should be doing. I know.

Starting point is 00:14:48 God damn it. That's why I'm bringing you in. I know you're bad. He's the judge. Judge, you cocksucker. Okay. Wait, wait. Judgido.

Starting point is 00:14:57 Judgido, Lee. No. Perhaps on a woman that might have a tattoo similar to your ex. Yes. Do we know that that's her? Well, I mean, it's, you know, it is possible that somebody would also have that tattoo. Easily. Easily.

Starting point is 00:15:11 What does the tattoo say? It says Carlos in the Philippines. In the Philippine language, which is interesting. Do you have anything to say for this, attorney? Objection. Objection. Yeah. I would like to ask the date of this photo, please.

Starting point is 00:15:24 The date. This is, the date of this photo is. By the way, if these fucking morons just did a video, it would have proved all this stuff. August 30th, 2022. They took bad still photos. Yeah. It's the worst evidence. This genuinely would be thrown out.

Starting point is 00:15:40 It's a mistrial. Yeah, but mistrial. You fuckers, what's your last photo that you guys have? It better be good. Better be fucking. This better be the one. This better be the sinking stone. That's pretty good.

Starting point is 00:15:50 Oh, that's pretty good. That's damning. Pretty damning. Yeah, that seems damning. That one's pretty good. I mean, I'm guilty. 10 years of prison. I mean, I'm guilty.

Starting point is 00:16:00 I mean, yeah. I would like to defend. Go ahead. May I ask the date of the breakup? She loves dates. Mm. Jajito Lee, do you remember? What's the date now?

Starting point is 00:16:12 October. October 11th. Jajito. I would say July first. July. So this was at least, I mean, August 30th. This was maybe even two months after the breakup. Wow.

Starting point is 00:16:26 Two months after the breakup. Yes. This is August 30th. Wow. Interesting. October 4th, 2020. But that's not when he's, you know, he's on trial for cheating on me. But that's a mouse fog.

Starting point is 00:16:38 Can I have? Shut the fuck up. Hit the gavel. Hit the gavel up. Don't do it. He's on trial for kissing my girlfriend even after I broke up with her, even though like him and I are supposed to be bros. Bros don't do that.

Starting point is 00:16:51 Bros don't do that. Yeah, bros go. Trader. I have respect for you. We've known each other for all this time. You know, I am going to respect the fact that I'm not going to kiss your girlfriend. What he did there is- Objection, ex-girlfriend. My ex-girlfriend.

Starting point is 00:17:07 What he did there was you've asked any guy that we know in comedy or not, that is a no-no and that's a red flag. No, no. And that, that is a friendship destroyer, right? Is it not? No, but this guy piping up with no-no is just, it doesn't, just click the gavel. Shut the fuck up. You're fucking fired.

Starting point is 00:17:26 We got the trial. I would like to bring some evidence forward. Oh, I like this. Go, go, go, go. Fine, mate. Leave that photo up, please. Leave it up. That's important for the court yourself.

Starting point is 00:17:36 So, we are hearing that bros do not cheat on each other. Mm-hmm. Right. I would like to bring up some evidence of- About time. Bobby. Yeah, go ahead. Having some romantic times with people that aren't Kalayla.

Starting point is 00:17:57 Yeah. Oh, wow. If we could show the first evidence, please. Shit. And I mean, that is a lot more than anything we've seen today. Jiu-Jitsu Lee, whom is this with you? Joe Coy. Correct.

Starting point is 00:18:14 Yeah, a man. A man. Yep, it doesn't matter. Jiu-Jitsu. The question would be this. It doesn't matter, man, woman. It doesn't matter. Jiu-Jitsu.

Starting point is 00:18:23 This would matter if Carlos was fucking Joe Coy at one point. Jiu-Jitsu. Are you? Jiu-Jitsu. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I believe he has at some point. Have you ever fucked Joe Coy at any point? No.

Starting point is 00:18:34 Okay. Or any kind of relationship? No. Okay. If you say yes, it helps. Just say yes. Your case. Jesus.

Starting point is 00:18:42 Fuck you. I know, but let me- Next photo. Next photo. Next photo. Next photo. Good call, Carlos. Oh, well, here's the damning one.

Starting point is 00:18:51 Oh, it's your brother again. First of all, George Washington. Is that Tim or- That's Tim Washington. Washington. George. Can I tell you something? Yes.

Starting point is 00:19:00 Tim and you. Yes. This is a very misleading photo. This is out of context. Yeah. You needed chapstick, and my brother Tim told me he had a little bit left on his lip. Yes. You got a little bit of chapstick from him.

Starting point is 00:19:12 Because earlier, my breath smelled. Okay. And he had one stick of gum. Chapstick. No, before that, I'm just going to give you an example. I know, I'm just going to give you an example. I'm just going to give you an example, right? This is how him and Tim-

Starting point is 00:19:24 Me and Tim- I'm just going to face up, right? And my breath smelled, and he already had one piece of gum in his mouth, and he split the gum with me, and I stuck it in my mouth. That's what happened. So this was a chapstick gum exchange. That was chapstick gum exchange. Can I remind the court that-

Starting point is 00:19:39 Also, is this- Is this- Is this- What's the racial intent of the faces behind us in the background on the wall? Exactly. That seems really racist. What's the intent there? What's the intent there?

Starting point is 00:19:56 What is the intent? Obviously, that's Photoshop. Because that's- No, you went to a whiteface restaurant. That's an IHOP. Right. And IHOPs don't have the decor. So what is the intent there?

Starting point is 00:20:08 Next photo. Next photo. Yeah, both of you, too, both the defense and the prosecution is really on thin ice with us now. Oh. Again with Tim. A lot of this, yeah. It's just a lot of this, we can speak.

Starting point is 00:20:23 Again with- I remember that. Joe Gido, do you remember this with Tim? Yes. So, here's the deal. Tim and I, well we travel together, right? Just listen, Tim and I travel together, right? We sometimes want to watch movies.

Starting point is 00:20:38 We want to watch different movies. So, what you don't see, what you cropped out of this photo is on both sides of us. I'm watching porn identity. He's watching Minority. Minority porn and porn identity. Tim did tell me they did that in the tub. He was looking at it. Forgive me, because we're not that we're looking at it, right?

Starting point is 00:20:59 Sure. And so- We've all been there, but why are you naked? Next photo. Next photo. People need to be naked to take baths. Next photo. Next photo.

Starting point is 00:21:08 Mr. Generous, people need to be naked. Here we go. Oh my god. Another one with you and Tim. I told you, we got a lot of these. Judge Edo. He's spent a lot of time with Tim. Okay, we get that.

Starting point is 00:21:25 Judge Edo. What is going on in this photo with Tim? With my brother, Tim. I need to talk to my brother. This is bad. What is happening? I'll tell you what happened. Yeah, what is going on?

Starting point is 00:21:39 Tim, his wife is Korean. His wife is Korean. Is it not? Yes, that's true, Tim's wife is Korean. Yes, that's right. I came over for some eggs. Yes, I remember. I came over for some eggs, right?

Starting point is 00:21:49 Yeah. And so I walked in front of her, and I have no idea. And your brother, Tim, why is it Tim, have all that, the pillows? Always prepared, Tim. For what? Is that where he sleeps in the middle? Yes, he sleeps in the entrance of his home. So I walked in with the eggs.

Starting point is 00:22:04 Drop the eggs. Oh, it looks like you dropped some eggs. I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Right? I get on my knees. Then his wife follows me and took a photo. Objection. Yes.

Starting point is 00:22:17 I know that rug. This is this studio. That's whiskey ginger rug. Hey, hey, hey, hey. That's the lobby of whiskey ginger. Ellen, back out of that photo. That's what they make whiskey ginger. Back out of that photo.

Starting point is 00:22:28 That's my brother. He's supporting me. Lost it. Both of you are being held in contempt of court. That's enough. That's a house of Pasadena. That is a house of Pasadena. That's enough.

Starting point is 00:22:42 There are so many people that I've seen with a whiskey ginger. And that mini fridge? Millions. Oh, you think they don't get mini, everyone can get a mini fridge. David Caruso, the guy that's running for whatever, whatever, right? Yeah. Rick Caruso. David.

Starting point is 00:22:55 David Caruso's running mate, Rick Caruso. They're also brothers. He has a whiskey ginger rug. Next photo, please. Next photo. There's so much more to talk about in that photo. I've seen nothing so far. Nothing.

Starting point is 00:23:07 Also, can I remind the court that the judge... Okay. Okay. Okay. By the way, that could be Kalilah. Or that could be Carlos. That could be Carlos. This is Aronius.

Starting point is 00:23:18 Aronius. Throne out. Next photo. Okay. But if it is Carlos. Oh, okay. Oh, Jajito Lee. Here we go.

Starting point is 00:23:26 Well, number one. This is a lapse in judgment. It was late. The drug use. Was that during my drug use? This is drug use. Yeah, yeah. This is drug use.

Starting point is 00:23:35 Definitely my drug use. Whom is that gentleman that Jajito Lee is kissing? That actually looks like George Washington. Everything about it. An imitator of myself. Yeah. Next photo. Next photo.

Starting point is 00:23:48 That's it. That's all. That's the last photo. This evidence. No, we have some damaging evidence. Something that cannot be denied. Okay. Okay.

Starting point is 00:23:56 Yeah, this is new evidence. Mr. Rosende. It just came in. Could you please button your shirt all the way up? We're in the courtroom. Not at a strip club. Thank you. The behavior is just disgusting in here.

Starting point is 00:24:05 Thank you. I appreciate that. I'm getting hot. We're gonna get in trouble. You didn't disclose this. So this evidence just came in. Did you just hear him? He's like, I'm getting hot.

Starting point is 00:24:13 He's so gross. Wait. What you guys are about to see? Excuse me? It's too damaging. I didn't want to disclose this, but you guys. Force me. Okay.

Starting point is 00:24:27 This is so stupid. This is so stupid. No. Mr. Rosende, speed up with the evidence immediately. Otherwise, this court is gonna be adjourned. I hired a PI. What? We hired a PI?

Starting point is 00:24:38 Oh, we hired a PI. Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. I love it. Yeah. Wow. This is what the evidence shows. Okay.

Starting point is 00:24:47 Imagine how bad of a court case this would really be. This is insane. This is worse than like Judge Judy. This is so fucking bad. What is all that? Oh my God. Okay, that. Oh my God.

Starting point is 00:24:59 Two people walking. We have no idea whom that is. Two people walking. Two people walking. I got an idea. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.

Starting point is 00:25:07 Oh. This is really damning, Carlos. Oh no. Let's go through all of them. I mean. Yeah. No, honest. Let's fuck the judge set.

Starting point is 00:25:16 Wait a minute. What the fuck is shit? Mr. Herrera Herrera, what is happening? As this plays out, let's describe what's really going on. I do remember seeing. Oh man. Oh my God. Oh.

Starting point is 00:25:30 Oh. Mr. Herrera. What? What is it? It's like they know the camera's there. No, we had no idea. Are you arm wrestling, Mr. Herrera? And whom is winning?

Starting point is 00:25:42 Oh. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Starting point is 00:25:50 Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Who is winning. Oh, go back. One more. Go back. Oh.

Starting point is 00:25:58 My case rests. Continue the photographs. Is that when they look right at the camera? Yeah. Come on. They're into it. These photographs from a private investigator are very clear. It's like at their feet!

Starting point is 00:26:19 How far away is this private investigator? They like it! They're taking it on an iPhone 4 feet away! They seem staged! Continue on please! That's it? And when you look directly both into the camera! You got headshots!

Starting point is 00:26:45 You don't have to show that one! I'm sorry! The fact that he said... The fact that SpansyP is like... We got a private investigator! Four feet away! You even fucked up this assignment! Oh my god!

Starting point is 00:27:11 They take a picture of it! Yeah, we caught the guy! Wait a minute, so you admit Mr. Herrera that this is true, you're on a date? You're on a private date and you caught the private investigator? No, I want that scratch from the record! I have tears in my fucking eyes! Mr. Herrera, you are not guilty! That is one of the funniest...

Starting point is 00:27:40 I'm crying! That's one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life! That you hired a private investigator! He's four feet away! Bluetooth! I love Bluetooth because I have ED, and I need it. There's nothing wrong with that. Number one, nothing wrong.

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Starting point is 00:29:23 Unique. Unique body. Yeah, but true classic. Whenever I wear that shirt, they're so fitted, not comfortable, but it also, it just makes my body look normal. You're happy with the way your body looks in a true fit classic shirt. Yeah, it's a weird thing. Well, I gotta tell you, they're fantastic.

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Starting point is 00:31:00 Well, you do know it. Wait, how do you know it? That's not a line. I'm glad that we got Carlos off trial, by the way. Yeah, that's nice. It's very nice. Listen, I'll be honest with you. If anybody that I know was going to want to date Kalyla,

Starting point is 00:31:17 I would let you do it because she's not going to want to fuck you. Okay. I already snuck. You know what I mean? But it's like, even if she did, it would be a big laugh. I'd enjoy it. We could hang out. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:31:28 You know? And play with the dogs together. Excuse me? Play with the dogs together? I would play dogs with you. I would play dogs with you. Okay, cool. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:31:38 You'd play dogs together? I would play with Bobby's dogs. That's what you meant. Yeah, if I dated, not like you played. I thought you guys were going to role play. I would have been a fucking Chihuahua. How did you know I was going to say that? What else could you be?

Starting point is 00:31:53 And what is he? I was going to say Yorkshire Terrier. Which is like the wiry hair. I'm something like with wiry hair. Like a hairless cat. Yeah. Oh, Sphinx. Sphinx.

Starting point is 00:32:04 Yeah, a Sphinx cat. Yeah. That's you, Yorkshire Terrier. Oh. Yeah, that'd be me. I love those things. Are they cute? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:32:12 Yorkshire Terriers? Oh my God. I mean, come on. Bro. Dude, I was watching the Great British Bake Off. I've been watching it. And it's so funny because they were talking about one of the couples taking a walk with their dog.

Starting point is 00:32:23 And we call them wiener dogs. You know doxons? Yeah. You know what they call them? Sausage dog. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sausage dog. He's like he's walking with his boyfriend and their sausage dog, Ron.

Starting point is 00:32:32 Yeah. And they named it the normal name. It was so cute. Why don't we say sausage dog? Why are fucking Indians so good at fucking baking? Oh, weird. What? Indians?

Starting point is 00:32:43 There's one Indian woman on the show. But I've seen every single season from season one zero. Well, you got to have one. Because they're in. No, they always go to either win the fucking thing or they get to the final. I mean, they're just so good at it. Middle Eastern people are good at it. Middle Eastern people are good.

Starting point is 00:32:55 Yeah. They know how to bake. Yeah. She is great. I mean, they're all great. That girl, the first girl, he won it. Yeah. One year.

Starting point is 00:33:04 Yeah. That dude's a king. Look at him. Look at him. He knows it too. Yeah. He's like I'm a fucking baking king. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:33:12 He's like an engineer or something. And he's Indian in England. You don't watch, do you watch that show? No. You don't watch the Great British Bake Off? No, I haven't. It's so good. It's so good.

Starting point is 00:33:20 It's great. It's, it's, it's, I honestly think, I want to see something crazy. That in terms of, because I don't watch anything wholesome. What are you talking about? What do you mean? Like I'm not a wholesome guy. Like everything that I watch, like I saw, like I said, Hellraiser earlier. And I'll watch stuff like horror movies or, you know, some violence.

Starting point is 00:33:39 Sometimes I'll watch like a Marvel movie, but like in general, I don't do like Disney or wholesome TV. Like I've never seen two and a half men. Is that a one? Yeah, that's one. The guy with AIDS? Yeah. The guy with AIDS.

Starting point is 00:33:55 But my point is that, but this is the, I, this is one of my favorite shows of all time. And what I like about it, it makes me feel like I'm normal. Yeah. Like, oh, I, I do want to, I think I long, I think I long to be that. Oh my God. Do you make? No, I long to be like, to wake up. You know, I have this fantasy.

Starting point is 00:34:13 I can't believe I'm saying this. I have this dream, this reoccurring dream. And I've had it for a long time, even before I met Kalilah, where I live in the Midwest and I see green rolling hills. Yeah. Where, what state do you think? I don't know where. Right.

Starting point is 00:34:28 Right. But there's not a lot of houses. You know what I mean? But like it's a white house with blue trim. Right. Yeah. No fence. You just see green rolling hills.

Starting point is 00:34:36 Right. And I'm laying in bed and I wake up and it's like seven and I wake up to the smell of coffee, the smell of coffee. Right. And I hear pitter-patter in the, you know, the little pitter-patter. You know what I mean? Animals. It could be.

Starting point is 00:34:51 But I never leave. You sit in bed the whole time. I sit under the whole time for 24 hours. Your fantasy is pretty close to reality. No, no. But what happens is. Just in a different location. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:35:01 Yeah. But what happens is I look out the window and there's, I see a body of a woman, never the face. Right. What does the body look like? What color? Supermodel. Lizzo.

Starting point is 00:35:10 It's like Julie Andrews. Yeah. Very Lizzo. No, like Gayda. Tall skinny black man. Tall skinny black man. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:35:18 And you know those, those clothes lines? Yeah. Yeah. This woman's doing that. And I can hear her giggle because I look out the window and she knows I'm there. Right. I'm just picturing you as the, the little puppy the whole time. You're describing like a dog's day.

Starting point is 00:35:33 Yeah. Yeah. You're the mind of a dog. That's you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're smelling.

Starting point is 00:35:42 But my point is, is that. I just imagine her hanging up all these clothes and then getting to your underwear and just being like, oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. And then there's, then sometimes it switches to me in a car with kids. I don't ever see the kids, but I'm going to soccer practice. Oh God.

Starting point is 00:35:55 You know what I mean? And there's all these things that, and I'm in this Midwest town, I have a normal life. And then I wake up in Hollywood. Yeah. And then, you know what I mean? You're better off. I kill it. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:36:08 I definitely kill it. That's your second life in your mind. Yeah. But there is. Maybe it's happening in an alternative universe. Maybe. But if you look at British Bake Off, there's, there's a tone to it. Right.

Starting point is 00:36:20 A tone? A tone. Yeah. A feeling that I have of like, oh, this is, this, I could do, I could have done this. No. What? No. What do you mean?

Starting point is 00:36:32 To become a baker? No. The tone. The tone of like people not saying, fuck every other word. Right. People going, being encouraging. Yeah. Like, you know, it wasn't good.

Starting point is 00:36:42 It was a little dry. You didn't, you didn't, you didn't proof it long enough or bake it long enough. You know, and, but I like the flavors. Right. Like they're positive. If I did a baking show, it'd be like, this sucks. We should do one. The great bad friends bake off.

Starting point is 00:37:00 Yeah. But my point is there's just a feeling about it that I just a wholesomeness. You wish you were another person. Yeah, I wish I was different a little bit, man, because it's like, you're not happy with what you are. I'm happy with what you are. There's some of these girls, man. Sometimes you piss me off, but.

Starting point is 00:37:14 Some of these girls, man, they're like, you know, they think that I'm like the devil or something, man. They feel like a fucking kuchi destroyer, man. A kuchi destroyer? I don't think you've ever been labeled a kuchi destroyer. Yeah. Do they call you that, man? You know, you know, kuchi killer and kuchi destroyer.

Starting point is 00:37:29 Two different things. Whatever, man. Kuchi killer. Yeah. The beast of the night, you know. Kuchi killer. Kuchi killer. Dry up.

Starting point is 00:37:37 You dry him out. They call you desert man. And they just. Yeah. No, that's not. No. That's not. No.

Starting point is 00:37:46 I don't think that's what he meant. That's not what I meant, man. I think that's exactly what. No, no, no. It shivers in satisfaction. Yeah. That's what I said. That's what I said.

Starting point is 00:37:56 Yeah. You a little smile on that, too. A puppy or looks a little bit. That's it. That's what I see, dude. Right. Like a swan girl dog. Like a swan girl dog.

Starting point is 00:38:08 A swan girl dog. Dog. It's like, she lures me in with sexy DMs. Mm hmm. You know what I mean? What's next? Not badge, not dress, but like silhouettes of her body. This and that, right?

Starting point is 00:38:21 Mm hmm. And this goes on for a long time, brah. You know? So I reciprocate. No, reciprocate. Reciprocate means you sent her something back. Yeah, but like funny photos. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:38:32 Like a silhouette. You know how to do this? Yeah. Those ones. Did you know her or was it? Oh, and you sent her a picture back. Yeah, I sent her a picture. And then then I don't want to tell you where, but I fly to go see her.

Starting point is 00:38:44 Mm hmm. Right. This country? Yeah. Okay. You think I flew to fucking Moscow? You were in the Philippines two weeks ago. No.

Starting point is 00:38:54 Okay. I fly. Moscow's not as far as you'd think. Which is halfway around the world. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty far. It's the farthest point of, yeah.

Starting point is 00:39:02 Yeah, that's far. Yeah. Right. And then I, you know, we, I go there and she, I go there to hook up, but like, she just leaves right away. We have a date. We make out a little bit. She leaves and I make all these plans to see her this and that.

Starting point is 00:39:19 And then all of a sudden she just writes to me this thing like, I'm done. I don't want to see you anymore. Whoa. But you're the one that fucking sent the thing. So she got what she needed though. Mm hmm. What? A kiss from Booby Lee.

Starting point is 00:39:31 Yeah. The point is, is that, you know, so, and I feel like I'm at a point where I'm like, yeah, it's not, I don't know. I think I'm done. It makes me feel unwanted and ugly. Well, you put yourself out there. It didn't work the first time. You got to keep trying.

Starting point is 00:39:46 Dating's hard. That's what it is. Yeah. I think you want it to be a lot faster. But just take your time. No, I mean, I'm, I'm seeing this other girl in LA right now that just leave me out. No, but it's a cry me a river. You're like this one girl.

Starting point is 00:39:58 I flew to see her. Yeah. I'm talking to her right now, but. Here's what it's. How many women are on the, on the, on your dossier right now? I planted about 30 seeds. Oh my God. 30?

Starting point is 00:40:08 Yeah. And they have to grow. And that's, that's my new theory. You plant the seeds and just wait it. You water them and some of them grow. Some of them don't. But just know what there might be a water shortage. You might get a couple of weeds.

Starting point is 00:40:20 Some of those things might not sprout. Exactly. You might have to break, get a whole new garden. Right. In fact, you might have to plant different kinds of seeds, maybe seeds with this. Wait a minute. You don't want to eat your seeds. But my point is, is that it's been a voyage for me.

Starting point is 00:40:36 Speaking of planting seeds, do you miss, like, do you long to have kids? I talked to like Polly and he's like getting older and he's like, I wish I had kids and. Well, I've been pushing him to have kids since I met him. Yeah. I always thought that that would like anchor him. Yeah. He's never going to have kids. I imagine that guy having kids.

Starting point is 00:40:56 He dreams about it. But do you dream about that? Yeah, I dream about it. Yeah. Yeah. I believe it's going to happen for me. I think so. You guys are lucky you can wait so long.

Starting point is 00:41:06 You can too now. Kind of. Look, Natasha just had, didn't she have one? Did they have two kids or one kid? She has one. That was a few years ago. But when she had it, she was 40. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:41:19 When you see howlies, do you see them get treated differently on the island? You're there enough. Do you see that they, that the local whites are? Yeah, because they have, they do speak in pigeon. Hey, buddy. Because they know how to speak the language. They do the pigeon and dude, it's interesting. I, so we had this kid on Tiger Valley and he was like a local guy, right?

Starting point is 00:41:41 And I literally, it was mind boggling. I literally went, so you, you have Freddie Mercury's mouth. You go, what do you mean, brother? Brother. And I go, well, it's just your teeth protrude. He goes, who's Freddie Mercury brother? And I started singing him. So he literally did not know.

Starting point is 00:41:59 How old was this man? 26 years old. Well, that might be a little bit too young. He might not know. But then I go, have you heard of the Beatles? He goes, no, brother. No, come on. This is what I am not fucking kidding.

Starting point is 00:42:11 What does this man do for a life? He's a social media star. What? Yeah. And it checked this out. He's in tune with the internet. I played literally Hey Jude for him. He had never heard it.

Starting point is 00:42:23 And he teared up. That's beautiful, brother. He's never heard. I go, it boggled my mind. And because Jules had never heard of the Beatles. Well, that's okay. She's. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:42:34 But my point is that there are people out there that just don't know shit. Yeah, but that's crazy. It's crazy to think that you're an American. He's an American. Right. And he doesn't know who the fucking Beatles. Isn't that mind boggling? Blissful ignorance though.

Starting point is 00:42:46 Would it be nice to find the Beatles now? How crazy would that be to find them now? Oh my God. I know. If you're, especially if you're into music, like you literally for a year, you're just, you know what I mean? Abbey Road. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:42:58 Like in, yeah. It's kind of like this first time you got stoned, right? And you, and then you, you try to replicate getting high the rest of your life. Yeah. And it never works out the same. That's all I do. I know you do. You chase it.

Starting point is 00:43:08 I got high 20 years ago. Yeah. And I've been chasing it ever since. Don't you want to get sober, man? I've been sober with you. No, but now? No. How are you out there, man?

Starting point is 00:43:16 But things aren't bad enough for me. They're not bad. Usually are they bad? No, I think I'm okay. What are you using? Just weed every day and sometimes I take Xanax if I'm stressed out. Yeah. I'll take mushrooms sometimes.

Starting point is 00:43:28 Yeah. I drink socially. Usually don't have more than three. You don't have control. No. We did, we've done, we got high a couple times together. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:43:38 Never again. Well, we don't know. Never again. One day at a time. I know, but today, no. Yeah. Kick the habit. Today, today, no.

Starting point is 00:43:46 Today, today, no. You don't want to put stuff away? No. Oh, then fuck it. Yeah, I feel fine about it. He's fine. Did you and why I got, I'm sober because today was a good example. I wake up and there's six guys in my backyard.

Starting point is 00:43:58 Okay. And they're building things. Right. There's poles, fences, these are all these contraptions and they're, you know, there's people that sawing shit. What the fuck is it? You wanted this. I go, what is it?

Starting point is 00:44:15 We're building a cat sanctuary. What? And I go, I literally, I go, what? Yeah, it's gonna, you know, they told me how much it's so expensive. You ordered a cat sanctuary? When I was high. Yep. When I was high, I went, I was like, I want a cat sanctuary.

Starting point is 00:44:33 Oh my God. You know what I mean? I should have been building you for shit this whole time. Yeah. Yeah. And they were like, really? We don't, yeah. Cause you could turn this into this, right?

Starting point is 00:44:42 So they're just building this thing. So you have that now at your house? They're still building it now. Tell me how much it costs. Be honest. 25 grand. Oh my fucking God. For a cat sanctuary.

Starting point is 00:44:53 Can I move in there? And it's like, and then there's a gigantic tree. I go, don't chop the tree. No, but he's like, no, you told us to work around the tree. So they're building this thing. It's crazy. Is that insane? Do you have cats?

Starting point is 00:45:08 No. This dog. I don't have any cats. Yeah, but it's a sanctuary. It's a sanctuary if they ever want one. No, I do have three cats. If they want to seek asylum. If they're just passing in the neighborhood, they want to seek asylum.

Starting point is 00:45:20 They can. And the reason why I did that was because there's a, we have a litter box in the living room. And it stinks, right? Cause I had built, what? That's the reason. No, but I had built, I spent a bunch of money building a little at the end of the front end of my house, a little doorway into a white shack where I put the, it's outside. And one of my cats don't like going out there for some reason, right?

Starting point is 00:45:51 So she decides to pee anywhere in the living room unless there's a litter box there. So she's peeing on this fucking $20,000 friend Italian couch I got a couple of years ago. Piss on the couch? Yeah. This blood. I throw on that cat right down the hill. Yeah. Piss blood.

Starting point is 00:46:07 Right. It's not a stress or something. So now, I guess when I was high, I was just like watching like British makeup high. You know, dude, I need a couch out here. Maybe the cat was on their period, not peeing blood. Oh, I fucking never thought of that. Yeah. It is a girl.

Starting point is 00:46:25 Yeah. Pretty logical. Yeah. Very logical. Probably on the nose. Yeah. Anyway, that's the reason why I'm sober because I make decisions like that, you know? Bad decisions.

Starting point is 00:46:33 Yeah. Are you up to making bad decisions? Mmm. I mean, sometimes I wake up and I don't remember that I watched like three hours of reality TV the night before. Like, that's not bad. Yeah, it's not bad. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:46:44 Yeah. Like, I'm not seeing- The blacking out consciousness is kind of weird. It is a little weird, but that's like if I was stressed out and I took half a Xanax. But I'm not like seeing escorts and doing coke and I don't even want to do coke because of the fentanyl issue. Well, escorts, I don't know. Well, I haven't seen one in a long time.

Starting point is 00:46:58 I know, but you know much about that world. Yeah. I mean, I try to teach you about the world. And I'm not ashamed. I'm not ashamed either. Do you want to get an escort now? No, I was just curious to see how it works. I would never do it.

Starting point is 00:47:11 Never? One day at a time? Yeah. I can never say never. Who knows what's going to happen in the world, but my point is that- Maybe tomorrow. No, not tomorrow. Okay.

Starting point is 00:47:20 No, but I was just asking, how does it work? And he tells me. Would you ever get one? I have before. He's got one. Again. Again. Would you get one again?

Starting point is 00:47:28 Yeah, I haven't done it in so long that I just don't have the desire. Honestly, I think that because of Onlyfans, the escorts in LA aren't as hot anymore. That all the hot ones are making all like so much money off the internet. I have a question. That's cool. I'm glad you brought that up. Good for them. Did you hear what happened with Ari?

Starting point is 00:47:45 Shiffir? Madness. No. Which it could have been either Ari. He loves us. Yeah, what? Are we allowed to say this on the show? I'm going to do it.

Starting point is 00:47:55 Is it private business? No. Did he get robbed? Did you hear me out? Okay. Where's my phone? Because there's a photo I would have to show you. It's worth it.

Starting point is 00:48:06 No, okay. It's fucking worth it. Okay. He's dating like a porn star. Listen. Listen. No, he is. He told me.

Starting point is 00:48:15 I mean, he told me personally. Oh, I know. Listen. Listen and learn. So I'm on fucking Instagram. And I see Booty. So I click on the thing, this other girl, and I realize that she has Onlyfans. So I go to Onlyfans, right?

Starting point is 00:48:29 I subscribe. It was $31. I don't know what it is, right? Subscribe to the Onlyfans, right? Mm-hmm. And she has sex videos on there, right? I start jerking off to one of the six videos. And as I'm jerking off, I get this photo.

Starting point is 00:48:42 Oh, yeah. That's her. And that's his penis. Oh, my God. You jacked off to Ari Vanis? Oh, that's Ari's girl. This penis! It was fun though, right?

Starting point is 00:48:56 Very good. But it made me angry because it's like, who's funnier, me or Ari and Vanis? Bobby. No, just come on, man. Okay. The level, though, is different. His cock is bigger than yours. That's what it is.

Starting point is 00:49:15 And that'll always win. Oh. So wait, he sent you a picture of him with the girl that you were jerking off to? Yes. That's kind of tight. And he told me that's my penis because that's the only one that she uses. How did they know that you were jerking off? Because I subscribed.

Starting point is 00:49:27 She sees who subscribed to her. So my photo comes up. And he knew, too. He knew. And just the timing. And then they sent me this. And they're both giggling. And I am subscribed.

Starting point is 00:49:39 So how many times have you watched since then? None. I am subscribed. That's the moment. So I lost 31 bucks, which I think he owes me. Call him up. Tell him he owes you some money for what happened. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:49:52 Should I call him? Yeah, yeah. I'll call him. Yeah. Hey, Bobby, how are you? You owe me 31 bucks. 31 dollars? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:50:07 Oh, why? Because you subscribed to an account? Yeah. What? Well, I don't think I owe you 31 dollars. If anyone owes you 31 dollars, it's the person you subscribe to. Interesting. But the person that you subscribe to.

Starting point is 00:50:24 I don't think anyone does. You subscribe to an account. You saw a girl. You thought she was a cutie. You didn't do your research. Yeah. I understand that. But it's like, here's the deal.

Starting point is 00:50:34 Right. Let's say I'm watching. I go watch. I think I'm buying tickets to the little mermaid. Right. And while I'm watching the little mermaid, a penis flies into the screen. That's not what I paid for. What?

Starting point is 00:50:47 What do you think of the penis? It's pretty good. It's good, right? It's really good. Is it thick? It's yes. Thank you. I appreciate that.

Starting point is 00:51:02 You know what? I appreciate it. I'm going to give you a 31 dollar at the same time. Yeah. Yeah. Really good. Anyway, thank you. You owe me 31 bucks the next time I see you.

Starting point is 00:51:10 Okay? Okay. Okay. Bye-bye. Factor Fall is officially here. And when the new season comes, a new routine. But if you're like me, you get sick of the same old, same old day after day. And luckily, Factor's ready to eat meal delivery.

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Starting point is 00:53:57 That's two months free. Visit ShipStation.com. Click the microphone at the top and type in code BADFRIENDS. Because I always had a thing with him. What do you mean? Like a gay thing? No. What?

Starting point is 00:54:11 Oh, yeah. If there's any gay thing, it's between him and Tim Washington. Yeah, yeah. We've seen that. We have that. But I've always had a little... There's always been a kind of like a tension between him and I. What do you mean?

Starting point is 00:54:24 Like a competitive... Do you see yourself in him and that's why? No, I don't see myself in him now. He sees himself in his girlfriend. Yeah, that's gay. Killer. That's exactly what it is. I got it.

Starting point is 00:54:36 Yeah, you hit it on the head. Juice. I see myself in his girlfriend. Yeah. That's what it is. Very fun. Very good. But anyway, I'm happy for him.

Starting point is 00:54:46 She's gorgeous. So I have been linking up with on dating apps with only fan girls. But obviously they say during the things like, I'm not going to give up my, you know, give up my profession, which I wouldn't want a girl to go, you know, you got to quit only fans for today. I mean, there's no way I would do that. Follow your dreams. My point is that it's not that I would be jealous.

Starting point is 00:55:10 I think what my thing is, is that because my tools, right, aren't as big as the tools that she's using while she's working, I feel subconscious about it. Don't. I'm sure you're fit. I'm sure you'll fit the bill in your own way. It's like stand up. You can't compare yourself to the other people. You've got you offer a lot.

Starting point is 00:55:28 Yeah. And those dicks are insanely large. You can't compare your tool to their like giant black tools like the porn star girls. You can't compare that. You know what? I quit to this. Uh huh. Sometimes NFL stars from ball players will go home and play Madden.

Starting point is 00:55:46 Yeah. Right. So they play the real thing at work. Yeah. And sometimes they do a little side thing at home and they like them both just the same. They're both the same. And Matt is no less real. That's right.

Starting point is 00:55:57 You got this. Bobby. That's true. That's true. Yeah. Paulie says he runs into you at the Korean spa all the time and you run away from him. Maybe he could help you get some babes. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:56:10 And the reason why I run into him run away from him is because he's embarrassing. Not that I'm with him. That's embarrassing. It's the things he says out loud that I can't be around. Oh, like Chinese? Yeah. They're obviously he sings a song Chinese people are the most beautiful people in the world out loud.

Starting point is 00:56:31 Is he wrong? There's no Chinese people. There's all Korean. So what he's just saying is preferred pronoun. I know. But imagine you're you don't know who he is right. You're an old Korean man on business with a whistle. Sorry.

Starting point is 00:56:45 Wrong. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love song. Wrong. Right. What's another one?

Starting point is 00:56:53 Dury. Dury. Dury. Dury. Dury. Dury. Dury. Dury.

Starting point is 00:57:01 Dury. Dury. Dury. Dury. Dury. Dury. Oh, this is weird. Baldone.

Starting point is 00:57:09 Oh, it was born when oh. Wow. They're probably a I think they like him. Yeah, but also he touches them. Well, that they don't like. No, but they don't say anything. It's weird. Yeah, he touches everybody.

Starting point is 00:57:23 So I imagine him and it's but they're different. Probably not an inappropriate but like pinch pinch and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You take a weird guy. Yeah. Sounds like pop. These are weird guys. I'd like them.

Starting point is 00:57:35 I love I love them. He's great. Yeah, but you guys have a different relationship. Yeah, he he he discovered me So, um, he's to blame. No, yeah, I owe him I owe him and his family so fucking much Because I was just a kid at La Jolla imagine and they used to go down down there a lot. I didn't know you were at La Jolla Yeah, that's where I started and they You know, I was working as a doorman in La Jolla Paulie goes in on Saturday nights. They I would always host one show and I only had five minutes So I'm gonna perform and he walked up to me goes. This is 1996

Starting point is 00:58:12 He goes did you're so weird out there. Oh yeah Open for me and that's it changes everything. That's awesome. Wow He's a sweet man. No, it's just that time period. It was that time period There's so many dreams and you had so many, you know fantasies and like everything was so exciting. It all came true. I know That's where I'm at now. Don't ruin it, but it doesn't it all came true, but it wasn't what I expected Yeah, there was so much struggle and

Starting point is 00:58:46 Pain yeah, but you're there now. So, you know, I still feel it. Shut up You're you're emotionally You're getting real emotional lately. I think it's like a new you're finding a new you now that you're single I like it. He's reflective I've been very reflective and Are you a piece? Are you at peace? Was that me? Are you at peace? Yeah, I know what it means, but I'm trying to think about what well Then why'd you fucking ask me what it means?

Starting point is 00:59:14 When I asked that I'm trying to think about the answer. Well, then take some more time. Yeah. Yeah, what do you mean by that? No, am I at peace? No, like look, here's something that we can address on the show. Mm-hmm We had Kalyla fill in for you. I want to talk about everybody Everybody who watched it that had something negative to say Didn't understand that fucking vibe because I think what you can communicate it better, but The idea that people have are throwing stones at Kalyla is wild because Also, they'd be like where to go Shantino like I like I had anything to do with it

Starting point is 00:59:52 Listen, I was in a jam. I was out of town and and this production that I was working on They needed me for extra days I couldn't get back in town in time and she filled in for me last minute She did a great job. She did a great job and number one number two one people to know that She's always gonna be a part of my life and I love her like she's family same. He is family. Do you say I love her? I love her so fucking much careful, bitch. Yeah. Yeah She's she is the only person that I can rely on 100% She

Starting point is 01:00:28 We're still like children like we when we see each other. It's just like there's a connection and Same a family a family kind of vibe. No, the jokes are gonna work right now You know me it did make me laugh. I'm not very fun Yeah, it would just be to but what my but I want it what so and when people attack her online, right? Listen, I feel great about a relationship. You're right. I don't it was a good run. It was a great run I don't feel resentment. I feel like it it only helped me on Different levels, you know, yeah, emotionally My place in the world, you know what I want. I mean she brought a lot of great things out of me and I

Starting point is 01:01:11 And whenever I see people say negative things online about her it really breaks my heart It's like you're attacking me in a weird way. Well, here's what's interesting two things one I think people forget that like we're all this is like a family. We're like a family together Yeah, and obviously when we're fucking around and joking around with storyline on the show That's half of the fun of the show and the other thing is I think what's fucked about people that view a relationship in one little viewpoint it's like when somebody retires from playing and a professional athlete and And all they're thinking about is the one game that they played Poorly is as if that's gonna encompass their entire career. There was ups and downs

Starting point is 01:01:48 There was great things and bad things and trades and blah blah and to me It's like that's what that relationship was to you. There was a lot of ups. There was downs. There was learning curves There was changes as people and you grew and then when it was over It was still a good thing it helped both of you in different ways And that's the the mature thing that I will give you got you a lot of credit for is that you just you you took what you Got from it on a positive note and the negative stuff you let go away because now you're both Fucking moving forward in life. Yeah, I think that's how the fucking mature way to look at all that stuff

Starting point is 01:02:22 Which you did very well. I also want to I like what you said about like the family aspect of it It's a man. These is our we're all like, you know, I've heard a couple of people go Why are you opening for Tom Segura this week? I know you called me and you said that what you were people were like saying that and I'm like Yeah, but it's like I don't look at it that way. It's like he's family. Yeah, I'm gonna have fun with him And you know at a show and that's how I see it It's like we you know when we see each other, you know on the road or at the clubs or when we call each other there really is a camaraderie and a connection and

Starting point is 01:02:54 We'll I think that's why The East Coast and West Coast scene is different in the sense that we never had this kind of Connection now everyone agree. We're growing all together. We bring this little one in, you know Because we want to help her because we see that she's the next generation. I mean, this is how it all works Yeah, yeah, so what an incredible show for the audience you and Tom Segura. Yeah, it's amazing. It's insane So yeah, yeah, but I think that's what people need to remember and keep in mind as much fun as we want to have on the show And we always do Yeah, and people keep paying me and Rudy against each other and I just want to say that she is my family now, too

Starting point is 01:03:30 Yeah, I love that girl and it's not a war. This is all for fun. And by the way when we play into the war That's even the funny funnier thing is that's the whole point of it. That being said Carlos is still On our shit list. Yeah. Yeah, but that that's just the way that that's the way it's gonna be I was proven not guilty though No, I was there I was that I was on the trial my my my brother was the judge But I do have to say that I do love you man And I really do there's something about you that like I just trust cool And you know, I love, you know, I went to the Philippines with

Starting point is 01:04:04 Andreas And I you know, there's just a working relationship and you know, I want to get to you know you better But I feel like we grew up a little bit closer. No, yeah, what's wrong with you, man What I'm trying to fucking what is fucking wrong with you? I'm trying to bond with you and you're like with your moist Spanish lips and you're like googly-eyed What right? I just fucking take it in man. I'm trying I think people can't understand an amicable breakup I know in my life. I've seen so many people like even parents stating people break it and then you just never talk to each other

Starting point is 01:04:36 Yeah, so I think a lot of that outrage is like from their personal experience So you guys I think are setting a really cool example of how two people can break up But still move on and be friends. Yeah, cool. Yeah, people. I know dudes are like, well, we don't fuck anymore So I'm not see it. It's like that was your relationship only fucking only fucking. You know, I mean, it's like no, it's about being with somebody and Intimate being intimate and sharing your dreams and your Frustrations and your fear your trauma and your fears and all this stuff, right? And you're you develop a friendship and a relationship I like, you know, I'm friends with Sarah Highland still because we had we only did it for a couple years

Starting point is 01:05:14 But I love that girl and we she went bad things happened to me Sarah is one of the first people to call me and go. Are you okay? People just want stuff black and white People want things to be cut and dried this way or that way and that's never been the case But it that you know, also, it's your fucking life. It's my life. It's your fucking life. Yeah, and it's been a good one It's a great one. It's not over yet. Well, we do want to announce something Yeah, I'm glad that you're back for a heartbeat. We're both busy bees and you're going to New York to go film So in the future, if we do have other people feeling on the show, that's because we're both fucking trying our best to bring you guys Episodes every fucking week and it's November and December. I've cleared my I'm doing a move. I'm doing Esther's movie in November

Starting point is 01:06:00 I'm doing Esther's movie in November. I'm doing Esther's movie in November But then I'm in town. Did she write a movie? Mm-hmm. She co-wrote it with Nick Goosen. She did with the goose. The goose. Love the goose. He's a super talent to that guy. You who's in it? Great people. Can you say who's in it? Yeah, I know Haley Jollosman's in it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's great. Yeah, I think you dropped out. Did you really? So funny. No, I'm being serious. The whole reason why I'm doing the movie. No, I think he's back in actually. Do you think he still sees you? Yes. Uh, maybe. He's older now though. Yeah. Like he lost the sense? Yeah, you lose the sense? I think you would. If you saw them when you were young, you would lose them. I played him in a golf tournament for charity. Yeah. Was he nice? I beat him. Was he nice? No, he's very nice. He was a very cool dude. They should do that movie part two. Yeah, the 7th sense. Or yeah, the 7th sense. But now he still sits. It's a comedy. What's the 7th sense? Yeah. Do you know how sometimes they have those people that say they've been like sexually fucked in the middle of the night by poltergeist? Like have you ever seen this? Do you know that? Do you not know this? I've heard of this. Do you not know this? There's people that have accounts that they say they've woken up and they being fucked by a ghost.

Starting point is 01:07:16 I've heard of it. This is a real thing. They're called crazy people. No, they're not, dude. Oh, these are real people. There's a 1 in 100 number for it. Really? It's just a sexual assault line. But just you've been fucked by a ghost. Let's call that ghost. I was fucked by a ghost. Ghost, right? Right by a ghost. Can we call him? Yeah. Look at this. I got fucked by a ghost. See, I'm telling you, there's people that have been fucked by a ghost. It's happening. Wow. Look, it's all in all caps. Like they wrote it right after it. I got fucked by a ghost. Now, would it be scarier? Can I ask you a question? I'm just so happy about it. Juicy, let me ask you a question. If you were sexually assaulted, right? I thought you were going to say if you were a ghost. No, I just want to... Let's... Can I just... Just say if... I can handle it. Go ahead. Okay. If it looked like Casper, or it looked like a human kind of half-ghost, what would you rather have? Oh, God. And Casper's friendly. Yeah, Casper. It's just cute. You know, I don't think I would be that mad, cat. You're like, oh, I'm fucking you. Yeah, that type of thing. I would be like, I'm tripping. This isn't real. Yeah. But I would have Casper had a big ghost. Huge ghost. Well, then he knocked Casper to a wall. And it blows a massive blow, just like a hose of jizz. And it just fades away. Just like all the other men in my life. Well, he kind of looks like Cum. Yeah, he does. Yeah, he comes and he just kind of all goes inside. Maybe it's him. Well, that's me. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:08:41 But there's people that have been fucked by ghosts in the middle of the night. He might be Cum. He might be a Cum. He might be sperm. Yeah. Well, that's not... I don't like that. Yeah, that's like a shifty. The look is weird. Yeah. His friends, they look like they're up to no good. Yeah. Don't leave the door unlocked. Or what are the green blobby ghosts from Ghostbusters? Slimer. Slimer. So what if Slimer pumped you? Yeah, let's see. I'd rather Casper. Slimer, though. Let's see. Oh, he's cute. Oh, he's cute. He has teeth. Yeah, that's not. He'd be good at going down on you, though. Yeah. Now, let me ask you something. Yeah, that would be a little intrusive. Yeah, just a little bit. Yeah. He looks repulsive. What about Bill Pullman in Casper? Because he's kind of a hybrid. Because Bill Pullman dies in the movie Casper. And he kind of looks half you. I know what you're saying. I don't know what you're saying. I want the ghost from the movie Ghost. Ooh, the ghost from Ghost. Ghost from Ghost, what does that mean? Patrick Swayze. Yeah, Patrick Swayze. I'll take him. Patrick Swayze. So he sees a penny in your pussy? Patrick Swayze. Doesn't he move a penny or something around on the table?

Starting point is 01:09:48 Yeah, I'll take that. Yeah, that ghost. Oh, yeah, that's what that goes. Yeah, that's not assault. That's the best case scenario. That's not assault if he's hot. It's not assault if he's hot. That's true. As a ghost, yeah. As a ghost. As a ghost, yeah. Did you see Bruce Willis sold his AI rights? Do you know this? Wow. So now you can make movies. He can make movies posthumously. Keanu Reeves has done that, too. I believe he was the first one. Keanu was? How much? I don't know. They didn't say, but you could look it up. But he wants to be able to still have his likeness in film and television carry on, because you know he's sick. Yeah, that's incredible. Yeah, look, it's reported last week a star had sold the rights to his face to a Russian deepfake company called Deepcake, allowing the company to use a digital twin for the actor who retired in March following his diagnosis of aphasia. Dude, and they showed a commercial they already made with him. Yes, it looks good. It's fucking unreal. It's unreal. And how much would, let me ask you something. For me? If you couldn't work for the rest of your life, and we wanted to buy your likeness, what would you charge? God, that's tough. I know. It'd be like, you'd have to, I bet you he equated, he had an attorney and someone do analytics to find out how much money he would have potentially made. You know how in court they say there's not much money you took away from my potential earnings?

Starting point is 01:11:14 He couldn't have made anything. He has a disease. That has to be in the equation. No, no, they say if this never happened, that's what I would have made for the rest of my remaining life, that they do a literal, they do the math. Yeah, but if you have a disease and you know that you can't work again, right, that would still be in the equation. So you'd be like, there's no way I can make, what would he make? In his heyday, he made what, $10, $15 million a movie? Yeah, he probably walked with $100 million at the end of his, you know, so he'd probably make another $10 to $20 million, I don't even know. He earned $20 million per year from working films, $55 million, right, so. $55 million, $2,000. Yeah, he's probably worth $100 million now. Right, so probably $5 million. That's what you'd sell you for? No way, it's way more than that, I bet.

Starting point is 01:12:04 For me? Oh, I thought for Bruce Willis. How much for me? How much for me? Honestly, like. A million. For the rest of my life, like, yeah, I really believe that, $900,000. Why would you, why, why, why, why, just round up. We'll round up. Look, this says the net worth might be a quarter of a billion, but these things are always bullshit. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:12:24 But maybe that is true. I don't know, what would you sell yourself for, juice, if I said today, you're never going to be able to work again, but we're going to buy your likeness, how much? Today? Today, this is it, it's over. Today, yeah, that's the point. Today I'm making about $100 of feature acts. All right, so what are you selling your likeness for? We're going to use you on stage, on screen. On stage?

Starting point is 01:12:43 Everything. I'll say $200 in appearance. A year? An appearance. No, no, this is a contract for the rest of your life. For the rest of your life. Let's do go yearly. You can do one sum number? Oh yeah, one sum number for the rest of your life.

Starting point is 01:12:55 Yeah. I can't work a deal, like every appearance goes to my family or something. No, no, you can't. We're buying you out, man. I don't say half a million. Deal. Good. We're going to make so much money on that.

Starting point is 01:13:10 Whatever you're worth, and I'll cut it in half. We're going to make so much money on that. That's a bad deal, Carlos. That's a bad deal. For me, I mean, I don't really go on stages or anything. Bingo. Yeah. So my AI likeness would more be like inside fancies, MacBook, like to help them on the

Starting point is 01:13:29 show. That would be helpful. Yeah, so. Fancy says no. I think a cool 300 grand. No deal. No deal. There's no way.

Starting point is 01:13:39 Lower? Yeah, way lower. 100 grand. No deal. 10 grand. Deal. Deal. And that's a stretch.

Starting point is 01:13:47 We have to call it lawyers. We really have to call it lawyers. But for right now, yes. I didn't say that so mean. We have to call our fucking lawyers. For who? Who? No.

Starting point is 01:13:58 George Washington. George Washington? Washington Washington. Washington Washington. I'm getting some work I got. I went on the road with Annie. Yeah, it was good. Kansas City was so fun.

Starting point is 01:14:07 And this weekend and the weekend after, I'm featuring for Anthony Justlnick. Hell yeah. I just found out Irvine and Oxnard, I think. That's those are great show. It might be this pro probably after that. I'm going to say something right now and I can feel this happening. When we do our tour, I Don't care who else you're on the book. That's right. This is what I want to hear

Starting point is 01:14:35 You're cancelling All of it all of it and you're doing no matter what we're doing you cancel to do ours when I heard about this store It's all I can it's literally all I can think about 65,000 followers now. She's up to she's Yeah, I still I won't let myself believe the tour is happening because I have no And what did you start with the Instagram wise 13,000. Yeah, and you're at 65 now. Would you think I met 13 total? Yeah, but is that you had 13,000 and now you're at 65,000. Yeah, how does that feel? It feels great. It took a little adjustment There was a period of time I'm not gonna like because it happened so fast that I was just I felt like kind of weird

Starting point is 01:15:16 I don't know how to put it into words quite yet But it I just felt like these are changing really fast, but then I kind of grounded how many do you have Carlos? It's like nothing really changed on 6,000 something Why'd your voice go up? The followers aren't everything but I don't think it's bad. It's great. I'm like a Like a producer. I'm like like I shouldn't even have followers. So I have some that's cool. Yeah, that's good. Yeah So followers aren't everything but it's in real life when that's right show up

Starting point is 01:15:49 And they know who I am and they like the work and the show and you know So many people came up to me last night and we're like it was so cool to see you I opened the main room and they're like if we saw Santino really suck Bobby wasn't there But yeah, I was in Hawaii. He's on the flyer. I Called them a fucking Monday morning I'm not gonna be there and I thought that he would very print can I tell you when I got to the store I was working a lot. So rent sickler came up and told me. Oh, you're opening the show great Hey, can you do me a favor and just let the whole crowd know that Bobby and Burt aren't going to be here

Starting point is 01:16:22 Well, they ended up telling me right before I went on stage that I didn't have to do that That they didn't want me to do that that it's comedy store policy because it always says line-up subject to change that like They notified everybody but I was preparing all these riffs and like what and I was gonna do it right at the top Cuz I didn't want to hand the show over to George Perez like with oh, yeah Sorry to disappoint you. Here's your right. So I was like planning all this shit by day The show was good though. It was in our care again. Just she's the best. I love so funny dude. She So funny she does the same thing that Ingram does where she's able to pick people out of the crowd at the same time As running a bit and incorporate them with stuff. She's so fucking funny. So great. She's our girl. We love her lover. All right, so look

Starting point is 01:17:06 The trial is adjourned. We know what happened with Carlos. He was set free by Bobby Mm-hmm. I think we're all kind of set free now by Bobby and I Feel better. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I want to say one last thing about bad friends We're gonna do this for a long time. I Feel it. I hope so. No, I do and I have to say, you know, you are probably one of my best friends Thank you. Probably probably. Yeah, probably it hurts, but it doesn't How how because I physically say you are one of my best friends. You are probably one of my best friends

Starting point is 01:17:41 Don't say probably. I don't need probably. Yeah. Just say you are one of my best friends Yeah, it's so hard to say. You are really I think about you often. It's not saying I am the best friend Just say I'm one of your best friends. Out of the ten. Yes Ten. Five. Who are the other nine? Oh four. Who are the other five? Who are the other four? Calyla. Jean. Jean's a good yeah. Probably four. Top four. Jean Calyla. You. Me. Eric Griffin, maybe. Eric. Maybe. Me. Your brother. Yeah. Yeah, he's a family. That's I wouldn't count that. Okay, that's different. Yeah. Am I your friend? Your sister. Anyway, thank you for being. He winked. Go ahead and do it. Thank you for being a bad friend. You

Bad Friends - The Producers' Biggest Mistake

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