Bad Friends - The Yin and Yang of Earthquakes

Episode Date: August 3, 2020

The Boys get the gift of Desigual. Bobby gives Andrew his friend test. Andrew survives the earthquake. Rudy recites her knives and butterflies poem. Thank you: http://shipstation.com code: badfriends & https://www.joinhoney.com/badfriends & http://feetures.com code: badfriends Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube Listen on iTunes: https://apple.co/31Jsvr2 More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com/ More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com/ More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Produced by George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Anchor if you haven't heard about anchor. It's the easiest way to make a podcast Let me explain. Oh, please. It's free. Awesome. That's cool These are there are creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or your computer You do it from your phone like on the go. Oh my god That's cool the bus or the subway you can do it. That's cool Anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify Apple podcast and many many many many many many more. Go ahead You can make money from your podcast too. No minimum listenership. How about that? You can make money with no minimum listenership It's everything you need to make a podcast all in one place. Where do we have to go Bob?

Download the free anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started Look a lot of people are watching the video, but they're not subscribing to bad friends and We need you to subscribe and hit the notification bell right there Down there because then you know when we post an episode because if YouTube doesn't show it To you because you're not subscribed and you don't see it and then we're sad so we get sad because um We know that a lot of you like it Yeah, and we want you to get notifications for it to see it so you can see it

We don't want to rely on you know YouTube to make sure you make sure, you know, we're in people's faces Yeah, we're gonna be in your face right now. Yeah, so please subscribe. Okay, do it now Seriously, we'll just we're just gonna wait until you do it. I'm not gonna know we're not gonna do the show until you do it I'm not gonna talk until you do it. Go You're not doing it. Well, we're not gonna go then until you do it Now Sorry Bad friends

So I come in here today feeling so jolly and Carefree as they say I Understand I walk in here and I see this little nice little painting here. Yeah, and this is me. Um, As a Chinaman, are you Chinese in that? I Don't know what he is, but I'm not, you know, do you not know that's a Korean warrior? Okay, but I'm not whole tool That's a whole tool. Have you know, do you know how to is? Yeah, what are you there in English dignitary? Yeah, exactly I'm a pretty boy. Okay. You look regal in that. Yeah, like like you're you run some shit. I'm royalty I'm carrying rice to me the royalty to eat. I'm hungry. Yeah, but I live in Wuhan

Right and at the carrot to England. That's right 90,000 pounds of rice on my on your shoulder. Oh my god But if you hand-drawn and draw by Jack and by the name of Jack hands me. Yeah, let me read Read his letter. I read the letter. Okay. Hi, Bobby. Love your stuff a lot. So I painted you a painting. Hope you like it if not Okay So, um, welcome to the podcast bad friends, welcome to the bad friend. So we got you good at all same You want to talk about it? I want well, I want to talk what would I've been?

actually Do you have a lot of fear I have a lot of fear and I have a lot of questions in life because what happened was um, I'll just say this during a couple of nights ago in LA There was an earthquake at around 334 in the morning and I know Let me just explain. Okay, and so the earthquake erupts and I know what Juliana did Juliana you probably slept right through it, right, right? She slept right through it. I was already awake the earthquake. I was playing this game on my iPad. It's called

uh, uh, Palisthen Conquerors or something like that and Earthquake happened and I I kind of looked up It was over and then I started playing my game again, maybe I didn't stop playing. I don't know. Yeah So some people react like that There are those also so I have I have a friend I have a friend, right? You may or may not know him But the earthquake happened and he went like he woke up. He was sleeping and went whoo. He went he went Right and but a lot of rush to his head, right and that's a reaction of um, some people would call that cowardly

Some people would call that weak. I call it He was just scared Surprised so he goes oh, oh, oh, and he goes to the bathroom because he has to take a fear shit Now a lot of white people when they get scared they take fear shits and it's like it's it's a combination of Gas and diarrhea, right? Maybe a little bit of blood and so he takes a little fear shit And as he got up from the fear shit, he goes, he goes. Oops. He goes. This is what he goes He goes. Oops. I lose consciousness and he hits his head. You know, I mean on a cabinet and he almost broke out to his eye out and

So um, and then what happens is he goes wifey Wifey I Got scared from From the earthquake, right? Let's go. They go. Oh, they always go the ice is almost as bad as your stand-up comedy That's how bad this is a bad bit. Yeah. Yeah, you're a bad. You're your whole life is a bad bit Right now cuz you're you spent four minutes on a dog shit story That's what happened to you. I woke up. That's what happened to you. I had a couple of drinks

He's so angry today. Can I tell the real story? I? woke up Stuff was breaking so I ran into the guest room Yeah, and I'd woken up so fast that I my equilibrium was off because I also Had a couple drinks with my neighbor. Oh, I didn't know that we'll throw on the details next time you call me You're not listening anyway, Bob. You don't listen to me ever I need details like Hemingway. I need specific what the sunset looks like you can't just say sunset You guys say glowing red. No Hemingway said sunset made you figure it out

You can figure out the rest in this case Hemingway. I had a couple of drinks. I woke up I went to go hear what was break and see if the dog was okay, and then when I walked back to the room I lost my balance because the blood was rushing my head I got up so fast and the earthquake was still shaking that I sat on the hallway toilet in the bathroom To to call to level myself But I had flipped my my up and down had flipped so much I blacked out I blacked out and I hit my head Yeah, and I bust what's the difference and I busted my head over the story that I told and your story you threw in unnecessary You said coward lie not true. I wanted to make sure my dog and my house were okay

You know what you're right. Yeah, but stuff was breaking. I got nervous. I thought oh my god First of all, I don't know TV fell on the dog. What if the TV fell on the dog? The dog the dog meanwhile you're playing I'm 50. I like iPad games at 3 a.m. You're you're in shut up shut up Shut up Rudy. Do you like your new painting? Yeah? I? Did I went to the ER honestly? No, but look at my eyes busted for the fans Yeah, and I went and got my skull and my noggin checked and I went in an imaging machine And I was scared because the only one they had was in panorama City. You can Google it. It's not nice and

I got nervous the whole time So when it gets let me just ask and they send back the results and they said you're fine But you have an overwhelming amount of stress in your blood level Do you by chance work with a Korean man day on a weekly basis? I said yeah, I work with a little troll a little booger eating troll in a room in the valley And they said that could be part of the problem Rudy your painting is dope though It's a really good pain and the knife got hung up. That's really nice. Let me ask you this question Honestly, how tight is that pain your friend? Hey, baby, dear friend. Yeah, so um, and this is an honest question

I'm not trying to be funny or facetious Don't roll your eyes because I know it's coming. No, it's not. You're gonna make fun of me You think I'm not gonna make fun of you. I need questions answered. Okay. Okay. All right. Okay, so if you're walking down the street Yes, and there's a little just let me finish my question and there's a little wind. Do you go? I hit the deck. I hit the deck. I hit the deck. Okay. That's all I wanted to ask. I freak out right Yeah, I would love to see you in a real situation of fear if you see I you know what I'm gonna do What I'm gonna pay someone to come rob you guys with a real knife and a real gun Yeah, and I'm gonna see who steps up to the plate not you you're not gonna protect the girls

You have no idea. You're a puss puss. You're a little puss puss boy. I have a puss puss. You're a puss puss boy Oh, okay. You won't you won't fight or protect. I'm not a protector. Were you either? Yes? I am. I never seen you I've never know that's not why you got up from the fucking thing why'd I get up cuz you didn't know what was going on No, I knew I got confused. I woke up. I knew it's an earthquake. You got confused. I heard stuff crashing I thought it was the end of the world. I thought oh my god. What if what if is the dog? Okay? Did something break is something heavy is everything okay? Yeah. Yeah You they should make you know, they should remake. This is you I smoke a cigarette. I play iPad Never

You little late-night booger. I'll make fun of me dude. I had to go to the hospital Okay, the hospital I'm just saying they should remake certain movies about you Like Armageddon speaking of speaking of let me finish. Yeah Armageddon part then remake the earthquake Armageddon No, no, no, no, you're in it, right? Uh-huh afterwards coming right and then the credits roll down Because nothing happens You're the hero of the story nothing happens the credits roll down and everyone's in the movie. They're going I guess everyone dies

They've already made a movie about you. There we go. Here we go. This is what I like about our relationship this I Miss this they made so several movies about you. I Love what's eating over grape you were you were fantastic in that? Oh, I'm at the Leonardo DiCaprio I am Sam. You were very good in that. Oh, I see. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're saying that I won't What no the one with Johnny Knoxville that was about you wasn't it? We try to go to the Olympics. What's even even give a guy. Am I the fat mother? Could be no, you're saying that I am You're here as much as you're anybody else in that movie. Yeah. Yeah, I want my son That's you you are the you're the obese mother that they're gonna have to remove from your video game layer in 20 years when you die

Uh-huh of lack of movement and the whole time you'll be young. I want my words out. We played we did play. I'm terrible I'm so bad. It's on it's not even funny Bobby would check in with me Andrew are you still okay? No, it was in it was it was fun to play with you because I'm so bad The first couple times you died you didn't open up your parachute Yeah, we used to learn how to jump no one gave me the details I know and then you jumped off a building and you didn't open up your purse well three stories I thought he could take the hit. Yeah, now you didn't you broke your legs. We revived you you did well. No, you didn't Joshed it. Yeah, Josh price very good. He's phenomenal. How good is that guy?

He saved me six times and we won twice. I know that isn't it but first of all you have to understand how difficult it is I know I talked to some friends. Nobody wins. We won nobody wins. I know we would happen I just didn't but it was very joyous. It was because you have a win in your column Can you can you can you tell the fans one thing even though? I didn't get credit for it, but they they said it was true I killed a guy you did but I didn't get credit because what what is it what it said it was what this is what happened Yeah, okay, is is that? Somebody had hit the guy maybe a couple of times sure you had the final elimination

Yeah, right, but because maybe that person got a little bit more damage than the guy they get the kid Yeah, you get the kill, but you will get kills I'm gonna feel like because of your temperament. Yeah, and your aggressiveness that you will get like five six kills I'm gonna yeah, I know you at some point. Yeah, do you like the game? I love it. Can I show you a gift? Yeah Somebody did something for you a friend of a friend of a friend Made you an Operator how cool is that? It's really cool. Isn't that cool? Yeah, they should have that upper operator

So here's the thing I think we should start some kind of petition to get your Bobby Lee operator on the game look they do this with all other sport games I have friends that are in other video games. Yeah, how come you can't have an operator? That's you in the game and that looks good, too Yeah, that looks good. I there's already a Korean woman in the game. That's what this is No, that's the they put my face on the Russian guys body on the Russian guys body But actually that's you know this image you can do you remember this image? This is taken from an actual image Oh, you know what that image is. Yeah, that's me my first second headshot at mad TV. It's exactly right

You shaved half of your head. I am you were really cute. I was cute. What happened to me? No, you look good now now You're it's just your It's just your your your there's different things that are cute about you that you didn't have back then like what your comedy Confidence is better. I think so. Yeah much more. Yeah, you're definitely more comfortable in your skin. There you go You I'm waiting for it. Yeah, I don't know. What else are you waiting for me to be mean? Yeah, I'm not gonna It's a nice day today. Yeah, I had a perspective on life because I got out of the hospital feeling Were you scared because I cried and all that stuff? Yeah Now was that you went to the ER, right? Yeah

Now we're there people would obviously everyone's wearing a mask in the lobby. Yeah, they don't you let you in one at a time They let you in one at a time. Yeah, are you sitting with anywhere near anybody else? Nope. Nope. And are there people there for COVID? When I went no, they have they tell you which is crazy. They go Do you or anyone you know in your household have had COVID symptoms or have had COVID itself diagnosed? No, okay? They say today we have not had any COVID patients But we're required to tell you if we've had anyone come in here with COVID. I said, oh, okay They immediately took me in an isolated room met with a doctor told her my symptoms. She was very cool She did a post concussion test. Are you wearing a mask at the whole time? Oh, yeah, and gloves and face shield Wow

They did a post concussed test to make sure I'm not I didn't have concussion Mm-hmm, and then she did a bunch of blood work tons of blood work You look out your eye out man. I miss it's actually the cut is actually on my if you when you get close to me You can see the cut hits my eyelid. So I actually missed my eye by this much my god blacked out Yeah, blacked out and she she was like Just confused on the angle because I was like on my neck and my neck hurts So I can't move my neck this much She was wondering how I hit the floor because that's what she was worried about what part of my head hit first

When I went for the cat scan, that's when I started to get emotional because I got nervous I was like, oh my god, what if something happened, but I'm fine It's an okay day and I'm back with you and I feel good. Yeah, I go to the hospital. I've been over the last um But I was nervous So many times it's scary because of kalayla Well, because she has a life threatening. Yeah, she has a heart condition. Yeah, so I have been to the hospital many many times She's never had a stroke has she no what what do you mean people could people have mini strokes? No She's like no stroke. Do you know what a stroke is? My dad died from one. Yeah, I do. So what is it? He?

He the he has high blood pressure and in his veins in his brain all the veins that lead up to his brain are clogged Mm-hmm, and the blood can't get to the brain, right? And then your blood your brain needs oxygen blood and starts where though what where does this also heart from the heart? Yeah, so my question was valid. I it's it's so I now I was trying to be nice to you Mm-hmm And now you're not gonna be no, I was trying to be nice But that's my pet peeve when people go treat me like I think you really think that I have some sort of mental deficiencies Do you know what a stroke is?

Explain it to me. Yeah, because I know you don't know I do know my dad died from one if your dad didn't die from it You wouldn't know did you know what a stroke was before your dad died a stroke? Yeah, of course I know what a fucking stroke is. I don't know you don't know much There's a lot of stuff you don't know Bob Go ahead. Let it out. No, this is retaliation for you being mean to me up top about my injury I was a bro, bro. I can't wait till you pass out and get hurt and I laugh and I laugh. Oh, hey, bro, man Hey, bro. Hey, bro, man. You're selling me a car. Hey, bro Why to be I don't have a lot of friends. I know

You know this right? Juliana knows this. I don't have a lot. I don't talk to a lot of people. Yes, and I have You know, maybe four friends. Yeah You're a part of that infrastructure. I know a friendship, right? It's very difficult to get into that kingdom You know the kingdom is closed for Enlightened hierarchy, do you think it's because most people don't want to get in that kingdom anymore. There's other ones available. Maybe but But I still have a very strict

dress code you have a dress code. Yeah, I'll show you know philosophical code Okay, okay, so it's like just imagine me being a kingdom. All right, you'll be the gate a king I'm a king. You're a king and there's a gate. Yeah, and people walk up knock knock knock. Hello Can I be Bobby's friend? Yeah, and then there's you have to go into a room you take a test What's the test? Oh, there's a million. Do you know there's 10 questions pretty much? There's 10 questions. What are they? Do you know what what the first question is Chicago pizza or Detroit

Pizza Chicago There we go. Okay. So I pass. Yeah, you pass number one. Okay. Number two. It's rolling stones or the Beatles neither trick question That's exactly what exactly what it is. All right. Yeah number three What is the most important area of the genitalia the asshole the taint or The head of the penis. There's another quick question. It's all the above That's what I'm saying Kingdom is exclusive. Yeah, it's very exclusive. I'm glad I'm your friend. Well, there's also physical challenges. I'll kiss you Yeah, yeah

Do you know what's so funny is the first one of the first times that we ever like started to talk to each other as In-friendly conversation You would kiss me. Yeah, you're the first guy that I would go even on stage. I've we've done. I know Andrews brought me up and or I brought him up and I look in front of a packed room a couple hundred people I'll look at Andrew. He'll bring me up Bobby Lee and I'll cross paths and I'll go and you'll just go I'll know about you'll kiss on my lips I gotta kiss you and people will laugh and I go and I don't even say anything about it You just walk right away. That's called. He's in part of my kingdom. You're the kid. I'm in the kingdom, right?

And so when I play war zone some of these kids I play with they want to desperately get in there's the ones that are in there are So good. There's a husband and wife combination that we played with. Yeah, and they're both Phenomenal. Yeah, I don't know who's better her or him. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I don't know Because I'm not smart with that stuff. Yeah, but they're very good. Yeah, but they're all Bad friends fans. No, they're right, right, right? Yeah, I mean they are you should imagine imagine if you honestly Yeah, if you wanted to play the game and I'm not around. Yeah, right literally with them I mean, there's so many what you do is this what I did was like who can carry me? That's the question. So when people message me on PlayStation people will go

I'm okay at it. All right You're out. Yeah, you need to be very good. There are people like Raimi and Josh Price and Gus I'm probably one of the best out there. I was I'm a tournament. I mean, I was I was professional cod player two years ago I was ranked, you know, I mean 123 in the world or whatever. Can they make money at that? I mean, there's a guy I don't know what his name is, but he makes what five million dollars a week playing video games Oh, we a week something like that. Yeah. Yeah, what? Yeah Do you know about this stuff rude? No, and here's this because you're a comedian and because I'm bad I I honestly think that if we started a twitch a bad friends and we played once a week

For like five or six hours. We could make money five million dollars. Not five million dollars a couple grand Is that guy good? Who the five million dollar guy or people just like to guy out there that makes so much money that like maybe like a Hundred million a year or something and on just playing. Yeah, and he he's Really good. We picked the wrong fucking career I should know because there are people in our our thing that make a lot of money as well only a few Bro, nobody in our cat. Who's making a hundred million dollars in our Josh. No, Josh. Joe. Josh rogan. Josh rogan Does Josh rogan make a rogan? How much did he make? He makes a lot. He doesn't make a hundred million in comedy

No way not even close. Yeah, but his Spotify deal was different thing. That's a podcaster. That's what we are. We're podcasters We're podcasters now, we can't do that. See that Shimano Scalco makes a millions of dollars. Sure. Not a hundred million This is a product that we use here at bad friends, that's right We're about to start selling merch to you guys We already sell stuff online individually with our other shows and we are gonna use ship station once again as the fastest easiest and most affordable Way to manage and ship your orders as folks adapt to this changing world We're all going to be buying stuff more online than ever before if you're an e-commerce seller And you're ready to meet the demands of our new delivery culture be ready with ship station. Be ready with ship station

If you're selling stuff online, there's no reason not to use it No matter if you're selling on Amazon Etsy your own website. They bring you orders into one simple interface It's easy to use and manage and they work with USPS Bob FedEx. Who else? UPS. Yeah, Amazon. Yeah, no matter what you're selling Etsy your own website, etc. etc. etc. etc. They're gonna do it ship stations number one choice of online sellers you'll ship more and less time with the best rates possible and available Right now bad friends listeners can try ship station for free for 60 days when you use the offer code bad friends Make sure to your business is ready to meet the demands of delivery culture click on the microphone at the top of the homepage type in bad friends shipstation.com enter the promo code bad friends

shipstation.com Make ship happen honey. We all shop online. Do we not yeah constantly and we've all seen that promo code field Taunt us for a checkout. Yeah, and all the time it's saying hey Do you have a promo code to save money and you're like no because I don't use honey But if you use honey, all you have to do is have honey and I check out the honey button drops It automatically applies coupons for you for 30,000 stores online. Damn it. Honey supports 30,000 stores online range from sites that have tech and gaming products to pot to popular Fashion brands and even food deliveries. Oh, Bobby loves food delivery

If you're if you're trying to find a coupon for something that you love I promise honey has it. It's extremely simple to get honey is easy to use 17 million members and they've saved over two billion Dollars it's that easy if you don't have honey, you'll be missing out on free savings It literally just logs in a promo code You don't have to do anything and it's free and installs in seconds doing yourself a solid and support in the bad friend show So get honey for free at join honey.com slash bad friends. Everybody join honey.com slash at friends I'm gonna show you some this is why we're good friends somebody made this but let me make a point real quick before you even do that Yeah video

It's a nice loop of us Bobby and Andrew scooping through the hallway. They're in love They're in love Bobby and Andrew scoop Give me a Now your turn go And there is I'm holding on to here. We might fall over because there's an earthquake happening. I Could die because I'm clinging on to

A fucking coward a pussy. He don't know nothing You like that such a little dick what you sit the cat on you did you did you add it on yeah Yeah, to do Andrew. Yeah, Andreas wants to call you. He wants to call me now. Yeah, okay. Let's call this guy. I Want you to say that again wait wait stop for a second say that again Say what say it again to do Andrew and just wants to call you No Say it again to do Andrew. Yes wants to call you. Oh Thank you

And if you don't do that from now on they made a compilation of that. Yeah, we do it We have a compilation of you not getting to the mic get closer to the mic stresses me out It does I know because it's too far away Hello, hello Hi, hi sweetheart. Hi What's up, did you want to talk? Well, yeah after our Well after your show last week and I thought you guys talk about fashion

Yeah, and I think so I bought you guys something. I have a gift for you Rudy has it Rudy can you give it to them? Yeah, and I decided to share a little bit of like style with you guys Oh my god. Thank you. Did you really buy us a gift incredible? Yes I did sanitize it. He said he said he sanitized it already. Oh my god My god Yeah, that's where from now on what is it? This is called residual residual. Yeah. Oh, dude That's a while. Oh, wait say it again. How do you say it in your language?

That's a while this is so nice Well, can we show look you look at how unnecessary look at this. So this is the best part. Where is this from? What country is this from? From Spain so in Spain. Look at this. This is so Spanish clothing First of all Bobby has two shirts that they just made into one Right, and then so this is what they do look at what they do all the time Yeah, yeah, 84 so they took football numbers and put it on a tee on a shirt. Yeah, and it's down here again Just in case and look what it says here

Love the world. Love. Love. Love. Yeah This is so nice. Yeah Thank you So much Have a fancy dish rack now I'm gonna wear it. I'm gonna wear it. I love it. It actually looks good. That's actually a cool shirt Yeah, it's a little too small. What size did you get Bobby? I? Think I I mean an L

But it's a European L. It's a European one It's a little tight Rudy is his shirt a little tight. I think it's fine. Thank you Well, that's because she says residency at your house. Yeah, thank you so much Andreas. We will get you a gift too No, I really like it. Thank you so much Okay, okay. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Bye guys Well We've got our Spanish shirts on Do you like it?

It's not really that Spanish. It looks like somebody that a homeless person in Bangladesh Would wear it, you know, yeah, like, you know, it has this third world quality, which I love third world wear, but you know It's it just feels like it's just patched together. We could buy this on the streets of Calcutta. Yeah. Yeah Meanwhile, I think he told Like if you're if you're with a prostitute in Calcutta, you need to get it. No, no, no, and you and you like come on the wall She gives you this to clean it off I was gonna say if you got one in Calcutta and you had a t-shirt on she's like you can't come in unless you have a colored shirt Go buy a three dollars. Oh, yeah

This is a Cal color three dollar prostitute shirt And then you go to the store writes through dollars and you almost contemplate not even getting anything Oh god, I don't even wanna have to wear that inside. Yeah, Rudy. Who's is more? Who's is better? And and rank it when I say better, I mean, which one do you do you hate the most? Okay, I think They're both pretty bad. I think yours. This is pretty bad. Excuse me say it in the mic. I think it's Um, he's Andrews is the worst. Yeah, it's pretty bad. Yeah, it's got football numbers on it right here and up here Yeah, he's pretty bad. I haven't but yours is just honestly. It's just two shirts. They threw away two shirts

Yeah, it's a left side of some guy's shirt and a left guy of a dead guy's shirt but honestly if I wore this in any kind of like Business meeting and especially if I met people for the very first time and bears I'm probably not gonna get the job They they'd ask you to leave. Well, I don't think they would ask me to leave But they would just be like, you know when you know during the audition or whatever they would Do the smile, but they would just be so distracted by they go Yeah, can we ask you something? Yeah The shirt, why did you shoot? Is it because of the character? Is it is it was a character influence? No, I this the way I wear this

That's your shirt. Yeah, right this I get this in the spin. Oh Oh, is there hmm. It's a good good sketch from e-design design my friend Honestly, it looks it looks terrible and genuinely it doesn't do you any favors and it's not part of the character I don't know why you wore that to the audition today. Well, it's loud. It's distracting. It doesn't make any sense Well as a guessing threat, you should use your imagination My imagination is saying that I can't see you in any other normal clothes because you have a really bad stupid shirt on right now But if I get the job, I have my acting skills are good. The job is not gonna happen. There's no chance We're gonna give you the job. Yeah, but if the world of there's no chance you would never get the job

You'll never get the job. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye Don't you miss going to bad auditions by the way, I miss going in bombing auditions. I miss saying no I miss bombing auditions. I miss saying I can't do it or making some excuse. It was so funny because there was a Three-year period where I would make excuses. It's too hot. I know I gotta take it off. It's the worst. It's bad It's very bad. Thank you. Andres. Thank you. We'll keep it here. We'll keep it here. How much are these? Honestly, I think they're expensive. I know you gotta be real. How about this? You know what we should do? What? Hey, uh, if any bad friends are out there, why don't you guys email? Uh, us and we'll sign them and we'll sign them and send them to you. Whoever we will randomly pick

Yeah, we'll randomly pick who gets the shirts and we'll sign them and we'll mail you We'll sign them. Um, the fancy B-shirt. You gotta do more than sign it though. Well, we'll write a message in it or something I don't know if you can really sign those. That'd be hard We'll sign a bad friends picture for you, but email us. Why don't you guys email us? Why you why you think you deserve the shirt? Yeah, and do it at badfriendsmail at gmail.com Bad friends mail at gmail.com. We'll send somebody those beautiful Andres Desecure shirts. Oh, I did so funny. Hmm. So I went when I was driving over here my manager had texted me. She goes Improv's doing some summer drive-ins

In Irvine. Do you want to do 815 or 829 at watch what? That's like saying Watch that's like saying Like saying Hey Next week Are you typing this your manager? Yeah, so so she said that hey, that's like saying hey next week

Can you Eat a bucket Of broken glass 815 or 829 yeah, yeah, 815 815 pick a day. Yeah 815 or 829 You want to write one? Yeah, all right

I'll say or Hey Hey, hey next week next week Yeah, do you have time in your schedule? Do you have time wait? Do you have time? Just say do you have time time? to to Visit this visit this aids prison Aids prison

Aids prison in Haiti Aids In Haiti 815 or 829 Haiti 815 or 820. Is she gonna be pissed off? I don't give a shit because that is the most ridiculous Eight, but there are people that probably go. Yeah, I'll do it. Does she have fun with you like that? Does she ever joke back? No, she's gonna go She'll say something like a simple no, it's suffice. Oh, so you don't have this kind of rapport with her

I'll just send it anyway If you don't have that kind of rapport, I don't understand Or hey next week do you have time to visit this aids prison in Haiti 815 or 829? This is great That's so mean. I I got an offer saying what if what if she fired you because of that? She's like, I don't want to work with you anymore bro, and I want to Say this. Hmm. I love abbey My manager abbey. I've been with her since I was an open miker A long time. Yeah 20 years ago longer 25 years ago, and she used to

When I couldn't pay rent or pay phone bills or anything like that She would pay it. That's huge And and she would always look at me and she goes I honest because at that time she had two producers that she was managing. She was managing Steve Scrovan who did everybody's loves Raymond. Wow, and then um Um, um, Warren Hutchinson who was doing executive producing with the Bernie Mac show So she was making pretty good money. All right, right? So she would just pay my shit and she'd just be like, I know For a fact that you're gonna work one day and pay me back

and you did and so when um Things started rolling And the bigger management companies were going, you know, the big ones were going. Hey, we want to sign you I trust me tempted Right, you said no, but I would never leave her. Wow. What is she who's she with? She's just independent. She's a woman that just lives in Venice, right? And she just has her she works out of her house You've met her

She's been to the house and she and she's just a sweet, you know, that's really nice. You stuck with her My first manager was not the same case. Who's your first? Oh, no, it's a dude who's not around anymore. Oh, yeah I mean as far as I know, I don't know what he's doing, but he would you know, I he kind of like coerced me into I Like into his company I didn't even know if I wanted to be represented because I was like, I don't know. What does he do? What I don't really know if he has any does he really put you out on stuff And I landed a job

And I had to pay him For I don't even think he I don't know if he got it for me or someone got it for me and I had to pay him anyway But he would make me drive His checks to his house or he'd stop by my place and pick up checks And he'd come by with his girlfriend sometimes and bothered me so much It was so gross and weird that the second season when we got picked up It was a hosting job That I made them renegotiate the contract

So I didn't have a manager. I didn't have anybody and he said and he said he was gonna sue me He goes, I'm gonna sue you for the sunset clause. I didn't know what that was Yeah, and I said you better sue. Yeah, you better sue me for the sunset clause. I'll see you back Yeah, and he says he's gonna sue me for for the uh for the payment on the next year of that show It's it's funny and I wasn't making any money. It was an internet thing. Yeah It's like it's super petty. It's funny how people bamboozle you early on when you don't know much Well, you don't you you don't know any better. I was so stupid and vulnerable and I just thought I guess if you can get me in Yeah, but the job I landed I'll never forget. You know who is in that room sclar brothers

um What's the guy who hosts uh Um, not ben bailey not cash cab the other guy that hosts like everything like that. We know him. He's a comic matt eisman You don't remember him. Love him. No, you don't know him. He does like um, he does wipe out on oh, yeah Yeah, Matt Matt Matt and then and then and then another big name and I remember walking into the room and going I'm 23. I'm brand new. Nobody here knows me. I'll never ever get this job. There's literally no chance These are all guys that have hosted stuff. I've seen before

She literally go this pamphrezer shout out. I don't know where she is now. She goes honey, you funny You funny, but you're not good at hosting and I was like, oh, okay. I've never done it before. I don't know I'm just a comedian. Yeah, she goes we go figure something out Two days later. She calls me back. She goes come back in they want to see how funny you are So I went in there. I just got told jokes live on camera. Yeah in a green screen room I didn't even think I thought this was just maybe to just let them know me and they gave me the job I hate like weird shit like, you know, Johnny Sanchez. Yeah, so Johnny and Sanchez and I

Auditioned for this Mountain Dew commercial. Yeah, and so it was a callback Right, so four people would go in at a time. Yeah, and then another four So they were gonna pick three out of you know, I mean the eight sure that went in So they go every all right everyone back in the room So well came in the back of the room and some white dude just walks up to him goes in in in out out out out out And I'm and then Johnny we were the ones that are out. Yeah, and Johnny are like you could just sit that in the hallway Yeah, you didn't do that in front of you call everyone in to go out

out, uh Yeah, what do we say about the Korean guy? out Yeah, but what people don't realize is that like We had spent three we had gone back there at the third two or three times I think in parking. Yeah Santa Monica, right? Yeah, it takes hours to get there if you don't know LA traffic forever and then you can't find parking anywhere No, right, so you're gonna get a ticket and you're stressed out because you can't you're never gonna make it

You're never yeah, and then you you spent all these hours doing it Just so that somebody go out to your fucking face in in Out yeah and looks at in points at you like you're like I've been in before And when when they say in the best I look at the outs and go Oh Bye Take it easy. Yeah Is it what's the best when you got a call?

What was the best job you got when you that one that little that one that one that's the most exciting job you've ever had Yeah, you know why why because it got me. That's the I quit my day job that day It was the day I got to finally never work in a day job again. I hung up the phone I ran down the stairs and I ran on mid-wilshire I can't make this up from the e-building where that is that's where I used to work across the street all the way down all the way down to Vineland no, sorry to Whatever Los Feliz Boulevard, whatever that is. Yeah, Los Feliz Boulevard right there high Highland or no no hill hillhurst

Whatever wrote ran all the way down Sat there realizing I just ran out of the office Smiling laughing Greatest oh, I just ran I ran Felt so good. I never stopped running. I just ran and ran and then I called my mom and I was like I'm never gonna have to work a job ever again. I'm not gonna have to worry. Oh my god that joy. It felt so real Can I tell you my best? Yeah, what is it? So I get a call say from um Sasha baron collins people that they want to do a table read

For the movie the dictator, right and I go table read Yeah, I mean they're just calling every comic and actor. You're not gonna get the part. Thanks. Yeah, but so I show up And it's one of those things where you don't read it. Oh and you go it's just gonna be in our office Who gives a shit right, but then you show up and you realize? Oh, there's an audience Yeah, right. So we're all on stage And if you look at the audience, I'm not kidding you larry david gary shanling jud apatow Everybody just taking notes. Yeah, they're all taking notes

I think Everyone in the industry and I'm sitting there when nick crow was there Renna zizi of just a bunch of fucking people. Well, everyone's has a part And I'm just playing the part that I played in the movie Right. Yeah, so I just do it and I leave This is probably the greatest moment in show business So larry charles who directed the movie. Yeah, gary shanling sasha

They're all like sitting on this patio outside these two doors when people are walking out and they're talking And I walk by them and gary goes gary shanling goes stop you kid stop And I go, what? And he turns to them and goes you should give that guy that part That guy killed it Wow And I go, oh, I just you know, yeah, you tried to play humble. You go with that. I don't know. I was

Yeah, I just if it works it works Yeah, right, right, right and I remember I got in the car tears Yeah Tears people don't realize that something like that because I was you know, I feel like a loser all the time. Yeah Not being real. No, no, I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah, you get defeated Yeah, you just feel like a loser that nobody wants you that you're never gonna really make it, right? And so when you get a simple yes like that

Yeah, it means a lot right you can start you start fantasizing too and dreaming, right? Gary and I are gonna hang out. Yeah. Yeah, never sell them again, but you know me And just tears and you just like, you know, and I I want one of those wins Features is f e e t You are e s as in their socks their socks their socks for your favorite socks changing your socks It's gonna make a huge difference to your daily walks Or you're out hitting the links or playing a sport or whether you're video gaming at home like bob You need your feet to stay nice and cozy and warm and sweaty

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Right, I've had better like when Larry David hired me for curb. That was huge. Yeah, that made me feel how you just felt like Oh my god, I made Larry David laugh. Yeah, but the reason that that first job meant so much to me is because I finally could quit my day job And I finally got to be A comic from then I was a kid who worked at a desk and then at night at a comedy But couldn't take off. She didn't they didn't let me leave. I had to work this job to pay rent Yeah, mommy and daddy weren't gonna pay my rent. So I just didn't have a choice But it's like that with first love too definitely

right when you like have a crush on somebody And they don't reciprocate, right? And you know what I mean the 24 hour every day Just thinking about them and just being emotionally just well then you go. I don't deserve them I guess I'm too ugly and stupid. Have you ever asked someone to a dance and they said no? Oh so many times boom. Yeah spoke my soul. Honestly a girl that quite frankly. I was like You're not even that hot. I brought a girl to prom. Yeah, and I brought her there

I never saw her again I was her uber driver Yeah, we drove. It was a white girl. I have the fucking prom photo at home blonde hair. Yeah, she's like that. She just walks out. Thanks Bye. I'm gonna go hang with my friends. Well, she's just no she didn't even say that. Thanks. Close the door She just went into the prom and I'm in the car. Stacey. How'd you get here that weird Korean guy dropped me off? Yeah, he thought you he liked you Yeah, it's so mean I asked a girl to go to a dance and she said I think I'm waiting for someone else to ask me Yeah, and I was like

Ow, and I picked her because I thought it'd be easier. I'm like, she's not even that good looking. She's just text back my manager Okay she goes I was just asking because some people are just dying to get out there. No pun intended and they're doing these drive-ins I agree with you that it's not worth it, but I had to ask. I don't think there's an AIDS prison in Haiti There's two of them. There's two of them There's two of them There's two of them. Wait, can I by the way? I don't know if I've said this before

Do you know what my claim to fame of going to a dance with someone in high school was? I went with do you remember Brett Michaels had a reality show called rock of love where he picked? I did vaguely, yeah Okay, the girl that won the first season was a good was a friend of mine in high school And we went to a dance together and my mom sent me a picture and he goes she goes she was sorting out all pictures She goes, who is this girl? I'll show you who she is. Yeah, this is her Yeah, I went to we went to we went to a dance together. I don't know which dance we went to but this

She was more of this blonde look when we were in high school together. This was when she got on tv with Brett Michael She did the rock and roll pink hair. Yeah She was a super fucking cool girl. Love. She seems cool. She was dope as fuck But we went to a dance together and she was a mega babe And then she was the first person that I knew in my group of friends that like Made it made it. Yeah, exactly. I was like, whoa She made she's up with Brett Michaels I was blown away. I was like, holy shit. What is she a billionaire now? Yeah, was she worth eight billion dollars?

But it was a reality show that I didn't even I didn't even understand. I didn't know what it was I was like, oh, what did she win? I don't know. You know who Darren Carter is come on The party the party so there's a copy. Of course. I know who he is Darren Carter He's a redhead as well And he's they call him Darren Carter the party starter. He calls him that he calls himself. Yeah Right, he does So when I was an open miker in San Diego

He was a doorman at the comedy store in La Jolla. He was. Yes, he was. I didn't know he worked La Jolla He lived in San Diego. I do know that. I didn't know he worked La Jolla. Yeah, he did So he was a doorman there, right? And um He brought me to this coffee shop to do an open mic and I always thought he was a nice guy. I love him so much I still like him So then he moves to LA. I'm still in down there, right? And I'm watching some Cw or Warner Brothers show, right? And he has a line I was watching some random sitcom

And the doorbell rings some guy answers it and Darren Carter's are going pizza And they go, yeah, thanks and the door closes For a week. I couldn't sleep Why I know that guy I know Derek. Oh my god Ah losing your mind Telling people around he's famous You know the guy that was at the fucking doorman at the fucking La Jolla comedy store. I know him. I know him

Like bragging about it. He's the pizza guy on the cw. Yeah, and then when I saw him again Yeah, I got nervous How's LA treating you? I hear you're doing good good good good things Right, and he was just like, what's the fuck is wrong with you? I had one line in a CW show. You're like, oh Mr. Hummel over here. What is your Emmy coming to mail? Do my dad embarrassed me so much the first time I so the first time I ever saw a famous person

Was in downtown Chicago when I was a kid at an ice cream store and it was the mom from um, the mom from uh, uh Fred Savage show. What's wrong with me? Yeah, what can I think of it? Uh, uh, what's wrong with wonder years wonder years? Yeah, and she signed a napkin for me. That was the first time the second time I ever saw someone famous Yeah, I didn't want to say hi because I thought it was so Tom Selleck in the airport. Whoa Check this out. Yeah, my dad. I go dad It's Tom Selleck

And he goes where? Right there right there like right like right, you know like 20 feet away. Yeah, and he goes holy shit Tom Selleck No, Tom Selleck turns and he goes. What's up? And Tom Selleck goes. Hello. My dad goes right on Now it's like so I was I'm already orange. Yeah. Yeah. I was glowing. Oh, I was like, why would you do that to Tom Selleck? Why would you say hello? You idiot because now what you do is I because I still get like that with people Yeah, but if I if I am at an airport and I see them then I become an extra like I don't know what it is My defense mechanisms mechanisms come out. Yeah, so I'm not like that. I could become more douchey almost well because you don't know

How to act sometimes if it's something that you admire and it's I could be a huge fan Yeah, and they give it what's up and I could be like Hey But meanwhile I would suck that guy's dick Right meanwhile, you know, you're just pretending inside. Right. Yeah, because you just you don't know how to act I don't know what it's only because you if I don't admire someone if I don't think they're amazing If I'm not like, whoa That guy or that girl's so good at what they do. If I just see someone that's famous. I usually just you know

Okay, whatever. Yeah, but if I like them then I get my brain changes. If I'm like, oh, fuck I really think they're good at what they do Like when Sebastian Montescalco, he would I would because I kept asking him because when he was in that the Irishman He was saying one night. He said that, um, Joe Peche Like after they were done shooting a scene He goes, hey come to my trailer I have a chef. I'll cook you a meal And and and Sebastian's like, all right. He shows up. It's like a full-blown chef

Yeah, like a real chef. He's in Joe Peche's trailer eating a steak Right and in my head. I'm like Wow, you know, that's how they live. That's how the and then like he was saying that You know when he worked with denaro denaro was just like Hey, I heard you're doing great things in the comedy business and gave him a hug Oh, right. Cool. Like those little moments. Yeah, I don't know if I would be able I think I would just melt Yeah, I do when I was walking from set to lunch with Larry David

I had nothing good to say. I love that guy by the way. Love. What a nice guy. I had nothing good to say So I was nervous. I was nervous. I never get nervous. Yeah, but it's Larry. It's different. You know what I mean? It's like he's the one he's the one so I'm walking to lunch with him and I'm silent and he's like, uh You did good. You did good in the scene. I was like, oh, thanks Like he's trying to start conversation because we're walking together. Yeah, and I was like, thank you very much And you could tell he's pulling teeth. Yeah, oh man, and then and then he goes he goes Jeff said you do stand up garland, right? I go. Yeah. Yeah, will you stand up together at the commissary? He goes, awesome. Yeah, yeah, like

Go keep going. What are you doing? I got I didn't know and then I what are you doing? You're better than that No, but he's but it's Larry. I know because I think anything I'm gonna say he's gonna be like what? Shut up. Like I'm afraid he's gonna be like you're an idiot. Don't say that Don't ask me that So I just kind of kept quiet and then we sat when we sat at lunch Then Jeff showed up and it made me feel better because Jeff, you know Jeff Hey Yeah, but God that guy full of life that guy he took care of it for me and then I started talking and got normal

But I was nervous around Larry. Larry's a fucking. He's a comedic king So to me, I'm I don't want to say the thing where he goes to a party one night or is with a friend and goes Yeah, you know what that kid said some dumb shit to me on the way to lunch Yeah It was really annoying because I did the show season five when the show was more popular and um, oh my god And you know what it got less popular after you did it Do you think that was a you think that was a coincidence? You think that was a coincidence? Stop that might be damage from the earth

Why am I so mean to you I actually asked the doctor that yeah, why I said should I look for any signs or symptoms of Brain damage and she goes you'll know You'll know You'll know so that I think that's it No, go go go go go go. That's not it. Ask me a question. Let's see if I can solve it real fast. Go I want to riddle. Oh, okay. Yeah, I'm being real. Yeah, I'm a real. Yeah Don't say shit riddle me this bad man. So listen to me a grandfather got it his father

And his grandson, right A grandfather. Yeah, his father and the grandfather his son and his grandson so grandfather His son and his grandson Okay, they go fishing. Okay Do you know this one? No, okay They go fishing You're right. And on they're in one car. Okay on their way back. They get a car accident

Oh, no, yeah, the grandfather and his son they die Of course, the grandson is still alive, but he needs surgery, right? He's in the emergency room, right? He needs surgery right away. The surgeon walks in and says I can't operate on this boy. He's my son. What happened? The doctor's father and grandfather took his son out fishing I think I got it. No, that's not it. What are you talking about the surgeon walks in the grandfather and his son is dead The grandson's still alive. The surgeon goes. I can't operate on this boy. He's my son. What happened? I can't operate on this boy. He's my son

But you're saying his dad and his granddad died in the car accident. Yeah This mom has been sleeping around. Yeah, this mom's a whore. So you think that's what it is a whore riddle You think that's what it is? It's a riddle. Yeah, that's not the answer. What is it? You want to give up? I think you're being too vague. I think we're missing a detail. No, we're not It is very simple. This surgeon thinks it's his kid No, because because he's been knocking with knocking boots with this girl This woman is a tramp. No, no, that's not what is it the answer. Yeah The surgeon's his mom

And that's sexist You're sexist and that's sex. Yeah, and that's the the reason why you asked that riddle is because you're a sexist person That's funny that I assumed it was a man. I know but most people assume it's a man. That's why it's a public riddle You can say that nobody got it. I guess I guess the first time. No, you didn't I know you did it. Why are you blushing? Because I can't it isn't interesting. I did I know I I couldn't fit it Well, because you think you go the surgeon guy walks in. Yeah. Yeah. Did you say man? No, I said surgeon walks in I can't operate on this boy. He's my son

Why can't she operate on the boy just because it's her son? Because it's a law You can't operate on your own family member because you give them better attention. Yeah No, I guess that's a thing. That's a bad law It's in the riddle in that world. I don't fucking know Really side. I don't like the law. First of all, if you're let's say, let me ask you this, right? You're a surgeon, right and you have to operate on her Mm-hmm. Would you be too nervous to do that? Or would you just get let's say you have another friend who's just as good as a surgeon as you Would you rather have him do it or you do it?

me All right, because I know why I'm gonna save my wife's life dude Dude scalpel dude I wouldn't be able to do it. She's dead. I wouldn't be able to do it. No, I don't think so either I would be so nervous. I wouldn't want to operate on my family. No, I wouldn't want to you'd be so nervous Yeah, because if you killed you drop a scalpel in the fucking inside the bottle Right and you're digging up, you know the organs to get the scalpel. It's like flying like fucking a pizza roll

Hold that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Meanwhile, like I opens What are you doing, right? And you have to her like long and her fucking pancreas in her ear and Go back to sleep. I felt the scalpel when inside your body. Yeah, that would be terrible. Yeah. Yeah You know, Rudy would be like I've got this And fix it in like two seconds. No, she makes you see me. Yeah with her fucking knife Put a little plate with wasabi. Did you order more knives? No, do you want to? Let's get her another knife

Why not? Yeah, you yeah, you would get her another knife Like there's root by the way your popularity is growing so much a friend asked about you a friend who's a fan of the show He's like Rudy is so funny and she doesn't even try to be funny. I said, I know that's bad friend's rude and she and he said Do she have like a big following now in instagram? She has like 20 some odd thousand followers 22 she knows 22,000 yeah, and okay, so she's making a mark in comedy faster than she thinks First of all, I know a dude, right who was on a tv show Yeah, right who has been grinding for 25 years in this business. Yeah who has 15,000 followers

I'm not kidding. That's so mean and she has I know and so I told her the other day I go because she has two instagram accounts private and she has a private one that has 100 followers Right, that's her family friends island friends That's for your island friends for island friends, right? And I'm just like I just put it all in one because the whole point of instagram Is to brag no, but the island friends know the other they follow the other account. Did they follow the other account? No, I don't want them to know. Oh Yeah, she's like that. She wants to keep it private

Maybe bad rudy because that's not her real name. Yeah, maybe bad rudy her fucking instagram account is her US persona. That's right. This is rudies rudies united states girl. She's like in in in saboo. She's bruce wane Mm-hmm, but in america. She's the dark night. She's the darkest of the night. Yeah, she's the darkest of the knives She's the darkest knife the darkest knife ladies and gentlemen the darkest knife the darkest knife But so you have 22 22,000 people are following you. I wonder if now opportunities are gonna open up after pandy's done Maybe she can host something What if she gets offered a fucking job? What's that's what here's the thing? I'm trying to get her out of her shell Do we take commission on anything she likes?

Well, we know I'm trying to get her out of her shell because she doesn't like to talk that much Yeah, right even though I'm there on the house like she'll be laying there like what have I been doing lately What do what do I have saved up in the in the in the closet? You've just been doing video games. No, but the thing that I'm trying to make a ball of what? boogers Bob why What do I have in the in the closet?

You have I don't know five or ten boogers And you're trying to make it into a ball. You're trying to make a booger ball, bud Yeah, are you really and it's right nowhere that oh, it's like it's you're gonna get it if you don't I'm gonna stick in her mouth What do you think about that? Hey, hey Hey No, I'm being real. Yeah, I am okay good If he if he does it then I'm also gonna do it. You're gonna do it back to him. Yeah

Yeah You're you're playing with fire kid. She also has knives around the house. That's why I haven't done it because you're afraid of the knife Yeah What if she what honestly what if she comes back and starts hurting you you don't think she's capable? Because I do I really do I think that would be a proper end to this if rude killed you I think that'll be a fantastic story. How many times do you think you've um lived? Oh, probably hundreds of times hundreds of not thousands. Yeah. Yeah, which life haven't you lived yet that's your weight that you're excited for? Well, if this is my show business life this is not good enough, but um, it is good enough. I think that uh

I want to do like a primitive life Right like a tribe like people are part of a tribe. What part of the tribe would you be gathering a gatherer fruits and nuts and stuff So you would be out gathering and making I'd be making like water moccasins And whatnot um a little seamstress Would you stitch and sew? Yeah, I'd be the the tribe whore You'd be slutting yourself out to everybody. Yeah, the gate. I would have to be a man And after the the great hunt, but you'd be a very feminine come back with a buffalo. Yeah after the great hunt I'm just laying on my belly in a tent

Right and I put like animal fat animal fat right because it's like a natural lube I'll just take you know, a buffalo animal fat right and just rub it just jam it into my butthole Right just lay on my stomach, right and get some boys like You make it like a sound you know like an Indian sound and they all the truck They'd get off the horses And they would form a line I'm in the line. Yeah Form a line and then my my cousin or whatever would have tickets. Yeah, but the tickets are made of bark

And they would come in and and you get you get two minutes There's a hundred people to try and one guy's keeping keeping clock. Yeah comes in goes And they come out like almost disappointed. Yeah, because the further the line goes it right like the 80th guy He comes out. He's like Too loose Because imagined right 79 guys have already been in there. Yeah, too loose could come. No, no, no Bear cave Yeah, and I'm in the back of the line going no

Yeah I know you would do too, right? You would take two fucking. I know you would do you would take two fucking like buffalo bone Yeah, and put it on my ass cheeks to make it squeeze it together like this And you just try to just get some friction there, right? Right and I'm Wow, let's live that life. Let's live that life. I haven't lived that one. Um That I've not lived What's another life? I want to be I want to be back and like the I want to be back just one time in kings and queens like 15th century type of shit

Oh, yeah, so bad. I want to be a jester. I want to be a little court jester Yeah, and I want to hang out in my little lounge with the other artists I'm gonna I want to eat eat whatever food they give us and drink and be drunk all the time and then go out there And they're like just uh and get out there and I like And do a little dance and then I like And they beat me they beat you every night, but they still love you, you know, but they're not gonna kill you They don't kill the jester. I'm in the same castle. You're in with me. Yeah, I'm the castle whore You're still castle whore

I'm still there Welcome, you know, I mean, I'm still doing the same thing. Yeah. Have you visited the whore upstairs? Yeah, and you're like, hello boys Yeah, and you're beautifully draped by the way. You always have the nicest clothes in these other lives Yeah, I would I would I want a simple life You want no one of them has to be very simple like a butcher a cobbler a shoemaker a butcher maker or like something that I'm good at one thing. I want you know what I see you as a fisherman Yeah, that would be a nice. Yeah, that was a night. Yeah show the fish to the village and they go

Yeah, yeah every day Did it? Yeah, you go out there you catch some fish you come back you cook you talk kind of imagine though back in the day when like a fisherman got like lupus or You know some disease or or they got or they got cancer Well, when they didn't know what cancer was you didn't even know what it was and you just and you had stomach cancer and there's like no

Medicine really. Yeah, they just say goodbye for a year. You're just like You know, oh my god You know what they do with a fisherman they put them out on a boat and they just push them out to see And they're like they don't do that. Yeah, they do. Bye. And then when you go They don't want you to spread the disease to the town. Oh push you out to see Or like when they used to just fucking burn people alive. That's terrible Isn't it? But they would just go

Anything which we're back then which which it's like I'm just you know, I'm I'm I'm sleeping I'm sleeping I'm sleeping the living show you all And they would just tie you you know what the fuck was going on. Oh my the horrors. They would just pick people to kill I know anyone that was different. Anyone anything that was different Could you imagine me and you in a town back then they would kill us immediately? Yeah, the korean guy and the redheaded boy. Oh, I always think Imagine freaks. Do imagine this. Let's say you and I We're time travelers. Yeah. Yeah, and you and I are wearing cowboy hats and we're just galloping into deadwood

Okay, right. You're you're at the lead And we walk into the saloon right, you know how the piano guy stops and everyone turns right and you know, I mean I'm still on your back And go hey man. I go hey fellas Yeah, you're gonna grab us drink. Yeah, we love whiskey. Got whiskey. You guys have any whiskey on this bar? We would be hung just right there like cut to the next scene is Just dangling from it. Yeah Oh my god, we cut these two we cut these two gay boys rolling into town kissing and hugging on each other

One was a chinese boy. Yeah, the other one was a freak a red-headed freak. Oh speaking of my freakness I had to look this up the doctor was asking me do I have any um Allergies to medications and I said not really that I know of but my pain tolerance for medication is pretty high. My tolerance is high And she was like, oh, yeah red heads. Do you know about this? We can handle 20 percent more Uh tolerant level for for Pain killer stuff like that. We need 110 percent of anesthesia anesthesia

Because we slip out of it all the time. So if I get surgery and they don't juice me up I'll just like you said with a skip. I'll just wake up in the middle of it in the middle of surgery I can wake up. They say it happens to red heads all the time. I think it's the lord's way of saying get rid of these people No, I think the lord's way of saying We're gonna make this particular group of people look Sick, yeah, but we're gonna give them strong resilience. Ah You know, yeah, there's a yin and yang to everything. What's your yin?

Because I know what your yang is. What's my yang I know what your yin is. What's my yang man? I know what your yin is. You got a couple of yangs I don't know which one's which. Yeah. What is yin and yang? What's the difference? I have no fucking idea Isn't that weird that nobody knows? It's just the opposites that balance each other, right? Yeah That's life. Life is yin and yang. Life is yin and yang Um, I know you're a big fan Of ellen and I'm sorry to hear all the ensuing news about her being called out You know

First of all, I don't know her. You're a big fan. Big friend. Big fan. I'm not a friend. You know her very well She produced the show. I was on last year. Yeah, I know you didn't meet her. I never met her. No, no Um, she she got called out online. These are things. I've heard those things. You know, it's you know, I've said this before and I'll say it again There are certain things that go around that you hear, you know, I've heard things um For years And then it comes into a reality one day like the ellen thing. There's many things. Yeah, you know, um and um

Some of them you don't believe some of them you go there's that's valid the rumors um, there's some big hollywood stars that have weird Little rumors that people don't talk about But you just kind of know it's it's said, you know, yeah And sometimes they don't come out Right. Well with ellen you I did hear certain things like um

You couldn't lock eyes with her couldn't look her in the eye. I thought I heard that but I thought that was bullshit Yeah, but that had hurt that. Yeah, but it sounds like bullshit. Yeah, like how do you work with some like a boss Who doesn't look at you in the eye? Yeah, I don't get it. I mean get me a latte. You're like, okay What size it's just like she shows you like oh, fuck Yeah, she puts it right over her face just to test you. Yeah You're locked. Yeah, I've heard that but they called her out. They said it was abusive behavior um, uh, and then it got turned into One of the producers is getting in trouble for being, you know, creepy to whatever to people cast to to people that work there

But it's funny because I I'm thinking, um Ellen doesn't know what's going on inside of her stable. I don't I don't know. She knows what she does And then brad garret came out today and was like, yeah, she's She's not nice. I was like, wow, brad. Yeah, that's really I was like He's quiet usually about a lot. You know what I mean? All I know about ellen is because um, you know who jeff lala is I don't jeff lala runs the addison improv and all those improvs in texas. Sure And he's been in the comedy industry for 35 years And one day we were doing press in the morning

and i'm like So what big comics did you hang out with back in the day in the early days? And he goes ellen And I go, oh really ellen? Yeah um, I would drive her from city to city Like she would do one night, you know in houston and I would get in the car I would drive her and we would hang out and I go. What did she like? He's like she was always hardworking Yeah, very funny. Yeah, she never complained

She never complained because she knew No, so you think she's a woman in the 80s difficult Who's who's who's gay who's gay, but doesn't isn't can't come out. Can't come out. Yeah difficult, right? um in in a male dominated industry totally right and um, she Had to jump over certain hurdles that we We might not have had to jump over. Mm-hmm I know that I know that um as an asian guy. I've had to jump over a lot of hurdles that others I don't complain about them. I just know that they were there, right? Sure. And so um, and then she became

One of the biggest stars on planet earth. Mm-hmm. I don't know What it's like to what it's like to be her. Yeah, I say that I think that I don't I don't walk her shoes I don't know anything. I'm not there But if the but if it's true that you can't look her in the eye, that's fucking insane That's what I mean. If it's stuff like that. I'm like, what that's crazy if it's just like when somebody goes They're mean to me. I'm like lots of people are mean to you. Yeah, what do you like? Yeah, what I mean? I've read things that I mean You in what regard like I like well, I met him. He wasn't not nice to me or you know, and then it's like you don't remember

You're like, I don't remember that because the interaction went like this Uh, I'm you and you you're an adoring fan. Say hi to me on the patio. This is I'm you and you're the fan. Go ahead Hey, dude, fuck. I'm a huge man. How are you? Huge fan, man. Thank you very much So we got to go to that and you're just talking to somebody else And then that guy goes fuck bobby lee Didn't even fucking give me the time of day right, but you were already talking to somebody else Yeah, so it's kind of like people can just say you're people can just say that you're a dick Just because they like you and they didn't get from you what they wanted. Oh one time

I did a show which is super fucking selfish in in I was in Chicago in um In February no, I was at the Schomburg improv. Oh, yeah, and um, I did a meet and greet and Three days later. I get an instagram message from a woman going Hey, I just want you know, my my my husband hasn't slept in three days And I'm like what happened Right as she goes

Because he didn't you were you were talking to somebody and then he made some sort of asian joke And then you just kind of turned your head Like he completely offended you. You're probably didn't even hear it. I don't remember any. I don't know what the fuck she's talking about Yeah, he's like, what's up, Chang? Yeah, yeah, I wasn't even hearing it. I was doing something else So maybe you know with Alan it could be a lot of that. I don't know. I wasn't there So many could you imagine how many times people have said something to you that they think they said wrong and you didn't even It didn't register

The people just say stuff and you're like, I don't know man. I'm doing Especially when you're doing 15 things you're meeting people and you're like, yeah, I know they take a picture and do all that stuff Someone could be like a man. We're biggest fan. You're like, thanks, man. And that guy's like, that's it We live in a strange world where people know that gossip is Black magic No, it is it is You know gossip is the worst thing our society does Because it's you it's always like

There's lies and opinions that are threaded through gossip. Yeah, cuz it's one. Yeah, yeah So the truth becomes muddled, right? Truth it doesn't exist sometimes. It doesn't even it turns into this thing right what people think and It's that's what social media is. Yeah, Twitter people accuse people of things and It's like we live in a very dark Alternative reality. Well, I think it's people are bored and tired and the Pandy has made people angry as fuck and they're broke And they don't have a job and so this is an outlet to go. Fuck you or fuck you or I like this and I hate this Yeah, a lot of our friends in comedy have been doing

Jimmy Kimmel guest hosting and Bob and I submitted And uh We didn't get it and we were jealous because a lot of people got it You know, Sebastian got it hurtful Eliza Eliza Whitney Um, uh, what other comics did it? Um, but dude, it doesn't matter. We submitted it hurts me that we didn't get it I know, but we're not them. It doesn't matter. We submitted a good tape. Yeah, but we're it's like saying, um Hey

You two not even you two coldplay got something and it's like Fugazi didn't I know but Fugazi is cooler. We put in a lot of work Fugazi is cool just on its own and you too is cool on its own Yeah, yeah, whatever let them be. Okay. Well, anyway, we submitted some tapes. I'm not thinking of personally. That's fine Yeah, I slept. I didn't sleep. No. Yeah, it's ruined. It's honestly the fact that they emailed back and said no, thanks Lol, yeah, anyway, I guess we'll show it on the show the tape Yeah, anyway, I guess we'll show it. I'll show the tape Um, hey everybody, okay talk about here today. I oh Jimmy Kimmel I don't want to I don't want to do this. Bob. I don't want to do this. I don't I don't want to

Jimmy Kimmel he uh, he's not gonna host the show for a while. So I I'm going to uh, try to get the job there to do the hostings I can't forget. I don't know what to say Give me any joke to say I do comedy too You shut the fuck up Okay, here we go Hey, a live around the world is uh, the world is absolutely insane right now. What's going on around the world? Uh, everybody talking bang here. Oh boy. What going on in the world right now? It's crazy

150 million Thousand people died from corona And boy, Melania Trump. I I do I fuck her I fuck her Oh, okay, so I saw this how they said oh boy. What going around this town right now? Holy moly Shit hundred and fifty thousand million people died from COVID-19 Donald Trump wife Melania. I I stick it I stick it Oh, okay

Uh, there was a guy who was raising sea turtles and check this out and he's selling them Uh, he's selling them at uh, two shells of pop He says uh This guy's getting a good. He's getting a killer deal on that. I don't talk about the maloney The BLM Black alive, uh, they matter and you know, you go to the protest, right? You stood sign Do not do that to the black, right? And you know one time I went to protest and I saw a woman protesting with her when she looked like, uh

You know maloney No, but she I she'd not do it was not her because this was an a la So this is not her but she looked like Okay, she looked like maloney. So she brought that thing black life black life. I was Getting to the to like a black life getting to that right And then I hit like this to her hit right and I look at her I go in the one day your night could go come bang bang No, stop saying you're gonna have sex with the president's wife. She's not there. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

Let's get your current event. Oh current okay. Oh my god Oh, what's going on with the y2k? The y2k man 2000 Everything is gonna be wiped out. There's a um What If you we never we're never gonna get this gig if you do that So rudy, um Has a poem she wrote

I'm gonna read your poem to us. You're gonna read her poem and if you didn't write it you're gonna have to make one up I don't have you said you were gonna write a poem. Yeah, so you're gonna write a poem About the butterflies go write it write it about not write it right now about Filipino butterflies and knives. Yeah Um, hey, hey don't ever uh-oh You're gonna make that you're gonna make papa mad. I don't have the poem You better just make it up right now because we asked you to make up a poem and you didn't do it Okay Roses are red. Yeah, they are

Violets are blue. Yeah The Philippine butterfly. Yeah Is as beautiful As you Thank you for being a bad friend