Bad Friends - Three Hundred Hussies

Episode Date: April 20, 2020

Thank you... http://forhims.com/badfriendspod & http://meundies.com/badfriends & http://buyraycon.com/badfriends & http://buffy.co code: badfriends Watch on YouTube: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube   Watch Chris D'Elia's 'No Pain': https://www.netflix.com/title/81036229  Bad Friends is a comedy podcast with hosts Bobby Lee & Andrew Santino.  More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com/  More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com/  More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/  Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Produced by George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Anchor if you haven't heard about anchor. It's the easiest way to make a podcast Let me explain. Oh, please. It's free. Awesome. That's cool These are there are creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or your computer You do it from your phone like on the go. Oh my god That's cool the bus or the subway you can do it. That's cool Anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify Apple podcast and many many many many many many more. Go ahead You can make money from your podcast too. No minimum listenership. How about that? You can make money with no minimum listenership It's everything you need to make a podcast all in one place. Where do we have to go Bob?

Download the free anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started I told you I told you he had HIV. Yeah To get your attention. I got your attention. Let me just let people know what happened. Okay, so I'm outside with my dogs, you know, I'm having a good day very sunny. Good day. You know, it was after the rains It was nice. Yeah, it was real nice and I get a call from Um, red man over here and he goes um, I have something very important to tell you And I go I'm listening because when you know when your friend opens up like that your ears, you know, yeah Yeah, my eyes are squinty, but my ears are squinty, but when I hear stuff that my ears, you know me

Yeah, yeah, like a cartoon Yeah, what happened and um, you go seriously, you know Alex Alex is our Ad guy, he works with us doing ads for the show. Yeah, and he said um, Man Alex son thought he had the coronavirus Right and he went to got tested But they did some blood work because they found something abnormal as normal, right and it came back that he has HIV so he's no longer our ad guy and he's no longer her ad guy and

He has to go to Yuma, Arizona, you know and to get some sort of test because that's where the facility is that you need I don't I don't know that. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know that not a real thing So then he then he talks to me about some other kind of business. Yeah, so then we hang up the phone And I I'm like tears are welling up on my eyes Like I'm shaking. Yeah, you know, I mean like oh my god, I gotta tell Kalyla. Yes, you right You did tell her right away next to me. Yeah, so I go to Kalyla and I go um, you know, um, Alex Right and then I tell her the information but then the tears quickly went away. Yeah, cuz I wanted to go play Witcher 3 You care about your friends getting HIV for four seconds

It was a good eight seconds. Okay went down to play adventures in caves trying to find the sword that I want Did you find the story that you needed? No, okay, and then Kalyla? Um, Texas me because you know, I live in a very big house So she has oh, yeah, just text me. Yeah, we know. Yeah downstairs, right Jules. We're killing it and She's not she's just living there She does live there and she's gonna get the house when you guys have to move out When you guys get evicted aren't you taking over the house Jules? Yeah, she is the fuck out It's this is an ungrateful little Phil. She's going nowhere What she's going? No, she's staying in your house forever. She will be with you for the rest of time

Yeah, you know, we've been watching 90-day fiance. Love it. Hold on finish your story. All right. Let me finish the story So so you're in the basement Kalyla text you and says what? You fucking idiot He doesn't have HIV you fucking idiot. I could he does and you call me and he said he had they have yeah, and She goes no, he's just joking. So then I called you and then you laugh my point is is this how do you why would you think? I mean my point is is this is is that when you prank somebody and you say stuff like that at the end of the phone call You go I was just kidding. You know, you don't let it fucking live. How would you not know that I was kid? I wasn't it was so obvious. I was joking around people can have right people know

Not anymore. Yeah, we know a guy that has it. I know but he got it like 86. He has it I know but no one gets it. I know he has it. I've never gave him a hug You won't touch him. No, I do I do do you ever see it? Oh, you don't you don't I do my but my point is is that would you Would you share a drink with him if he if you were like, how do I get a sip of that if he was like Can I get a sip of that? I'm really thirsty. Would you give him a sip of what like if I had a coke? Yeah, yeah, yeah, but no, yeah, I'll go yeah here you go and then you would give it back and I would just hold it Until he walked away. Yeah, don't but out and then I told you that he had HIV to get your attention got it and then I asked you the business thing

It's not it's not, you know, because when I asked you business stuff when I asked you stuff about the show Yeah, you go like this ready. Yeah, you're me. I'm you so so I saw call me and be back to me. Yeah And then what do I say I said you go um give me any business thing like we need to do this So anyway, um, so the you know the mics we got to get new mics at okay, okay, okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I don't care I gotta go. I gotta go. That's what I do every fucking time. Do I talk like that? that yeah yeah I fucking love you you do so so if I can't get your attention if I've got to talk a real business thing that I was like he's never gonna take this serious and it was a long conversation so I told you that the ad

guy got HIV because I knew it would get your attention but from now on right now it's any anything right right if Chris Dalia yeah gets in a car accident and you call me that he's in a pair he's paralyzed yeah I'd be like haha yeah but I would laugh too oh yeah let's show this ironic Dalia sent Bobby a video yeah so last night you know let's play the video but let me explain it first okay last night I'm having a great day I'm downstairs playing Witcher 3 it's going on at some adventures trying to find another sword and then I get a text from this piece of shit yeah go ahead play it here's what Dalia's text to Bobby

was my special came out yeah it's killing you should do one you know get it together and fucking do it already but you don't you know and you won't because you're pussy let's criticize the way he looks though okay number one Chris Dalia all right what a weirdo okay look at this yet it look at this though yet another look at his face yet another goofball tattoo from Chris paper of another a paper airplane dumb he's three for three on bad tats right his lips are like remember that in fit amphibian amphibian character in Hellboy oh yeah he has the his lips

they're always wet yeah Dalia's lips are always fucking wet soaked soaked yeah you know why why because he does this all time yeah it was that what he does all the time I see him lick his lips all the time oh that's what it is he wants wet lips yeah he wants he wants to be wet lips let's call him wet lips from now on so what lips sent you this text did you text him back yeah I texted him I'll show you what I texted him I go because when he sends me videos this like this all the fucking time and I get so angry I don't know why well he does I just said I'm gonna hurt you what he said nothing he never responded yeah in fact

he didn't hurt you then did yeah I mean one time he sent me a video of aren't my dogs cute so he has two dogs just three I thought he had whatever two or three dogs running around being cute but they're running on top of a pile of money yeah it's hilarious he does stuff like that he does yeah well he's a richy rich guy yeah he's the he he is he's secretly probably one of the richest friends we have don't you think I mean if I were to guess he's not the richest no no but I'm saying he's he's up there though he's up there he's in the top I think that the richest one we know is your Sebastian by far by far right

that's not even it's not even close Sebastian's by far the rich right we went to his house what lips and see what he's got to say about himself if he can pick up you know this guy you might be too you've met him before right you know Chris yeah do you like him you like his comedy you don't watch comedy that's talking to Mike your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message tools when you talk to the mic and go hey go hey speaking only in Philip in Filipino and say hey it's me I've never been a fan of you or your comedy will you yeah great you may hang up or press one for more options hi

kia what the fuck what did you just say that he to Bobby said that you have a big lips and I don't like your comedy and quian Joe said hi and bye okay good that's so good I love you you're the best thank you so fucking good he sends me those weird texts all the time that's what he does the special did come out very funny very funny does beg the question Bob huh when's Bobo gonna do one all right you know what we're not doing that right now okay no problem we're not doing that right now we don't have to all we don't have to you want to you want to talk about something that's

been bothering you for a while outside of that which is what the podcast by Ken Jong and it's not bothering me it's not it's a bothering you well you'd sent me a text that said it's so fucking annoying that they have a podcast now and you said I hate you said I hate Joe Mikhail if you want to go down this path no I can go down a path that you're not gonna like as well no ever roll your little eye okay well hold on though here yeah yeah we compiled something we compiled we compiled a little yeah Bobby Lee or Ken Jong who who sent this tweet let's see let's see how different or close you guys are to having the same

kind of tweet sentiments because we were looking at the tweets and I was like hmm maybe they copied us because you guys have similar tweets yeah right yeah so yeah let's play Bobby Lee live or Ken Jong here we go sorry I'll stop the retweets got carried away damn you coke zero who said that Bobby or Dr. Kent who said that I me yeah I didn't say that I don't like coke zero that's right yeah yeah if any of this is bad it's all George okay okay so tired from my private charter flight from to New Zealand humble jet lag oh definitely not me I take Southwest Airlines middle seat that's why they love you yeah I'm addicted to

ramen y'all and pussy it is something that I would say but I didn't say that you didn't know yes you did yes you did I said that April 19th 2014 you said I'm addicted to ramen y'all and pussy all right shit holy fuck I was I was in a psychedelic band in my early 20s and I look like Pocahontas I'm so glad they kicked that's me is it yeah because I was in the second adult band yeah you were what was the band we were called lax to superb you can see a video on YouTube laxed and superb yeah we're gonna look that up after we play this cuz it's a you know have you ever showed anybody that no I don't want to show

people wait why you just said we can look it up on YouTube on your own you told everybody us oh people listening on all the fans exactly I know it's on YouTube laxed and superb that's what the band was called yes wow why no I think that's amazing yeah and what it was 21 you know it was a psychedelic band that's what I just said on the tweet read it yeah but was it yes it was huh yeah Eric Stone Street I'd rather not talk about it in public Eric Stone Street thank God there's a private direct message and not a tweet that's definitely Ken Jeong why because he's friends with I wouldn't I don't think I would say something like

that I would be a little bit more crass than that I wouldn't sure yeah are you sure yeah look at me yeah you sure yeah okay you're right yeah what would you have said I would have said you if you fucking fat fuck you know me something yeah yeah yeah I mean yeah I mean dear Miley Cyrus I love you deeply but passing on Moriah for me Joe was a criminal by that's me you sure 100% because I'm a huge fan of the voice so is he yep I'm a huge like I follow them we've had people on the voice on time no I know but wait a minute you you do you still talk to Moriah for Mika I don't know her she was just on the show but you

tweeted out did she not return that tweet no you know what's so fucking fucked up some of them do but some of them don't like I like American Idol as well yeah sure and so I'll follow somebody from the voice I both what about the newest one yeah I'm watching the newest one yeah it's good it's okay yeah the songwriters one what do you mean songwriters one with the two they pair up songwriters with the do you know I'm talking about you're talking about American Idol no dude they have a brand new one there's a brand new show where it's like they walk in it's not the voice then or America I know it's a brand new

show but it's from the same people okay what's it called it's a comedy game fun okay anyway we're done with this portion or close all right playing the new Cristiano game heads up on my iPhone this game is addicting no that's not me you sure yeah I would not play that who's Ken yeah this is what I look right before I transform into a mermaid me look at my body Ken doesn't look like that I know Ken has golems but George did not blur this well that's how pixelated is it yeah it's you yeah wow though you look good thank you now is this one of the tubs we put jizz on the side yep sure is this guy roofed me and

welcome an abandoned building downtown wearing my gangist con outfit that's me for sure because I know that that's Andrew W. K. that is yeah yeah what was that from one of his music videos yeah something like that yeah very bummed for Shantae left chili peppers again probably the greatest guitarist in the past ten years billboard music awards it's not me damn George did not do a good enough I'm gonna quit comedy also cheater Santino is my favorite comedian that's not me for sure 100% that one is my favorite that one's my literal favorite god damn I love that so much that actually wait wait that came

out when to July 12th 2014 I said that out loud I'm gonna quit comedy also cheater Santino is my favorite comedian I bet you don't remember this night do you remember the night oh yeah yeah you left your phone open at the store yeah we were sitting at the booths yeah I mean at the at Mitzi's chairs yeah and at the bucket seats you went up on stage and left your phone on the table uh-huh I unlocked I immediately went to Twitter and tweeted that close your phone put it back down wait wait did I know that you had done that no I don't well yeah I think afterwards we had talked about it oh really because you'd open

your Twitter and you'd been like what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck is this and you didn't delete it oh so you did that yeah I didn't do that um technically you did I guess yeah yeah but you know I'll be honest with you yeah there was a time where I would probably think that you were my favorite comedian well we oh thanks in the past no I remember when well here well here's let me give you let me give you some honest reference to this yeah you were talking you were being very negative me like I'm gonna quit I want to quit you weren't feeling good you're you were in a bad mood that night cuz that that 2014

was a really bad year for me well so you kept saying I'm gonna quit comedy yeah and I was like you're not gonna fucking you're not gonna quit Bob and you kept saying yes I am I'm gonna quit yeah so when you kept saying that and then you left your phone and went on stage I tweeted I was just gonna tweet I'm gonna quit comedy and I was gonna say should I cuz I wanted you to see people go no fuck no that's insane all right right but then I just wrote I'm gonna quit comedy and then yeah well thank you for saying that no because I remember it was a tough year yeah it was a fucking tough year man that was a

really bad year 2014 why why so why I think I was in relationship with Kaila it was our first year maybe of being in a relationship with her and I had nothing going on I couldn't get any auditions I had nothing really going on work was bad the road was half the rooms were filled wow some places I would go I would sell like a hundred seats out of like a 350 yeah 400 room and then I would have to go you know you know how you show up to a item not now but at that time you'd have to show up to a gig and then go in the manager's office and go what can we do can we just give away to please please I remember it vividly yeah I remember

feeling I remember showing up yeah and doing that thing where I walk right into the green room I don't say I don't say anything to anybody yeah and somebody comes in like hurry I'm like I'm good sorry about that I immediately say sorry me too and the servers always were like it's okay it's okay it's not it's fucking work we're fine this is fine this is and then they do this thing where they go this is like it this Thursday this is like this is what it's like on Thursday they do they say that all the fucking time they're just trying to be nice to you because they know that it hurts or I know although they'll tell

you a past comic that's good they'll go you know you know who did really bad on Thursday yeah they'll do that but move right but but I remember those it will never leave my chest so that was happening a lot in 14 oh my god and they would and then also at the end of the week was the worst where they were it's payday oh boy you get the check yeah it's like the justifications they bring out these paper you know the paper yeah they're like here's how bad you did yeah yeah and they give you the numbers and the breakdown right so that means so Friday night we had to comp this many and this and that anyway at long

story short here's your five dollar check right and you're like and then you had been there for a week yeah right and you're like kind of shaking you go thanks for the opportunity yeah say some bullshit bullshit yeah and you look like a dummy you look like a dummy and then you the flight home is always like the most depressing thing oh good dude that night that night sucks because I go back to the hotel I'll probably have some to eat or drink and then just sit around thinking about God do I want to keep doing this yeah you can you do you really go do I want to keep doing this thing is this worth it to keep going to

these places that but but but was the worst show I can remember I went to I went to Fox Woods casino have you been played there oh yeah right I was in Fox why did it one time yeah and I had a show so not around anymore right I don't know yeah I did this I did a show so bad where there's a curtain I went behind the curtain I laid on my back and I remember crying during the show no after the show I could hear the audience leave and I was laying back they're just fucking crying yeah yeah it was that painful so fucking pain I mean I've talked I've talked about so many of them I there was you know I'm not gonna say the name of

the fucking club but you know what that I don't give a fuck I was that yeah which one I don't want to say because the people that run are so nice yeah well you just said the club oh that's true yeah so one of some shows I can get this I can go you know you don't I don't get a door deal but just give me ten grand mm-hmm for the week mm-hmm this is what I used to do and sometimes they would go all right right and at the end of the week there is these two old couple an old couple that run that's been doing it for years sure and you can tell that they're distraught and then the man is like giving me the check but his hand

shaking what do you mean like he's upset that he's yeah he's kind of upset he's like shaking you know me and he's like here you go I go what's wrong I wish I wish I'd never said that yeah he should just take in the check I just we just we we just thought you would do better and we were just really hitting we're we're losing a lot of money on this one and I go and then how do you how do you take it from them did you take it no I would have taken it no no because they were so like they were older so what did you do you walked home with no no no I go I go what just rewrite the check give me five that's really nice and they go oh

my god you're a manch and I had to Google what menchament I remember that what's mench mean you never heard that no you thought I was a racial slur yeah gook and in Jerusalem yet it is in Jerusalem this is how it would have gone for me yeah I'll be that I'll be the guy mm-hmm yeah you know young man oh well you're shaking there is are you okay or nice it's like a medical condition it's not no I'm very grand there's the check no we're just very upset because we're taking a really big hit on the sun and we thought we would do better man yeah thanks for the time dude appreciate you guys that's gone really why I

don't think you would do that yeah I wouldn't take I would take the check when somebody's a visibly distraught and you can and you can those places make a ton of money not this one this is at a holiday and mm-hmm holiday and why did they agree they thought they were gonna make way more money yeah because you know at the time not not my business not my business but let me get fucked so much we get fucked so much so I don't care I'm just oh sorry it's okay it's you know a lot of people go thought at the time that Bobby was on a show mad TV for eight years yeah we don't really know his numbers on the road but we just make

assumptions that he's gonna sell a certain amount of tickets of course right I'm doing well now because of the podcasting and because there's just been just a you know because people want to see your great yeah yeah it's just a different agent set that number right doesn't matter dude they were still human fucking beings and I you know I I get it the only way I agree with you here because I have a heart too is if it's a mom-and-pop place but if it's a corporate place I don't fucking care they make tons of money on them on a mom-and-pop it's not a corporate okay all right so that I give that credit then

okay good cuz if it was the improv fuck you wouldn't give a shit yeah yeah funny bone fuck you there's a million yeah yeah when it's a big core if it's a mom-and-pop because I have family relations with families that I still love that I work with them on the numbers yeah but the problem is so many times corporate clubs fucked us when we were young how how many times did you get fucked when you were young by big corporate clubs and they gave you no money or you're like this is how much I thought we said this is how much that's so money and there's first clubs today that when my my agent goes do you want to play the city I'll

go up now no fuck that and they'll go why because I know what they're gonna do because it'll be sold out right and then they're gonna go here's $1500 yeah and then you go and then they go sold out and then they go no I mean I don't I think there was some tickets love we're not yeah I don't know if it was all and I know people going well $1500 a lot of money you have to understand that you know we fly ourselves there yeah we're there for three or four days yeah right and our agents take 20 25% whatever your deal is yeah right with taxes you're making six seven hundred bucks it's just not worth it no you walk away we walk

away broke people people don't really bro yeah because all your money has gone through either taxes and agents payouts and you're and you're living not at home so you're eating out every day you're not inside your cooking food yeah then you go back to your fucking hotel and I will I also want to say this is that people go well you comedians get paid a lot you have to understand that for the first ten years yeah I did thousands and thousands and thousands of shows for nothing no money for nothing I lived with nine dudes in a one-bedroom apartment in Silver Lake for years yeah we'd have to we'd have to grind it out

just to get a meal a day I mean I went through it so it's like when people try to you know go well you're not grateful it's like go fuck yourself no you're very grateful that you're very great yeah yeah because you lived through the thing to get to the place right hey the common issue that almost every man faces nobody wants to talk about it think long and hard whoa 40% of men by 40 or not be able to get that pee pee stiff the blood isn't rushing like it used to ED is a real thing back in the day when you know I had some dick problems myself you know and I didn't have the opportunity to see any professionals

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it's available in sizes small to Bobby Lee which is for XL from black to unicorn me undies prints are made for yourself expression and for our listeners for bad friends fam 50% off your first order free shipping 100% satisfaction guarantee go to me undies.com slash that's me undies.com slash we love it what's the first time you fucked when I was 28 no you're 20 years old with the first time you fucked yeah 28 when I lost my virginity how because I because I was afraid of sex until then so I dry humped I only would dry hump really yeah so you would do like high school moves in your 20s because I was scared of sex so

I would do I would say would you mind if we could take our pants off don't laugh at me I would say okay so I would say could you take your I went out we would take our pants off and I'd say leave your underwear on and I'd leave my underwear on and I just would kiss and I'd grind up I do a dry hump and then you would come through the underwear I would come on in the underwear all over it and I usually go home with what was the first time you fucked then when I was 28 so what happened can we give you the situation first time I fucked yeah craigslist I ordered a girl off craigslist are you lying right now yes I

know you are I was 15 you fucking asshole but I do that fun oh is it fun it's fun but the first time by the way the but the first time I do remember busting a nut with a girl was a dry hump yeah when I was 12 or 13 and holy shit felt good oh my god yeah I was soaked and my I was soaked and come yeah and I walked home with my cum soaked underwear and it was like the best moment of my life the best I thought that was the pin I was like this is it and then you feel sex for real and you're like well this is gonna ruin my life my girl the best sex I've had it was with my girlfriend Kalyla but the second the

best sex I've ever had was in Beirut really never tell you that story no so this is crazy so I go to Beirut with Sebastian Monoscalco yeah for the troops and Eric Griffin no we did shows for I'm not kidding you Hezbollah when was this the years ago yeah yeah but so we did this whole run before Sebastian was Sebastian oh yeah no one knew who's a guy at the store it was just a guy at the store and Eric Griffin was just this fat black I know you both very funny yeah many years ago and but we had done this fucking Middle East run so yeah I don't know if you know this but in the Middle East if you go on the internet and try

to download porn you can't they block it yeah right so then it's like and I've always masturbated through pornography yeah so I for a month I didn't masturbate at all he just I couldn't so it's just and then I kept saying to the tour guys ago why don't we go to Beirut because I knew that I could have a process you have freedom there yeah and they're soon three weeks I would like have a calendar and just you know my market you know and then we go to Beirut and so we go and there's this guy named Camille and he's like our friend and he's running the shows right right promoting it you know through his production company

or whatever and he lived in this gigantic white mansion as soon as we walked in there was like Lucy's on the table no I'm not kidding I love this right and then like on the corner of this fucking place Danny Masterson is eating spaghetti what yeah his brother I remember this this is like a Luminati shit is crazy right wait why how do they know because they're because he's since he's has a production company they're also doing a rave or something like that and Danny Masterson's DJ so they hired him to come right okay it's not like he's Hezbollah well no we're all just there right because of this guy sure so I go

right with Camille and I'm just like shaking and I'm like where do I get the prostitutes he's like oh you want to go yeah yeah yeah and he goes um Super Disco that's what he says to me Super Disco Super Disco I go what the fuck is a Super Disco and he goes that's where the prostitutes are oh and I go well let's go now he's like no we got to go an hour into the desert yeah right so I go when when he goes tomorrow we'll go we'll go to Super Disco and then Masterson goes I want to go I'm not gonna have he he's not that way but he they just wanted to check it out I would want to check it out yeah he just

wanted to check it out yeah I want to see it he wanted to see it yeah but he didn't do anything with his brother so we so we if you're in Beirut every other street there's a tank right yeah a 12 year old with a machine gun yeah right and then you have to stop and then it's like you got you know passports show me your papers yeah and all that stuff yeah so you're going out there you're going out there takes forever to get out there you got in the desert and all of a sudden you see these three buildings they look like skyscrapers in the middle of the desert in the middle of the desert and above them is like these

like you know like circus you know like circus circus like it's a Super Disco but in that kind of font yeah yeah yeah right yeah and then like bright lights you in bright lights yeah and we go down we go downstairs and it's like you know I've ever been to it like a shitty theater where it's like just black they have no you know I mean there's no set decorating yeah black box a black box theater black box theater right that's what it look like in the basement of this beautiful building this beautiful it's basement it's black you know I mean and maybe a couple of like you know those 70s like just disco balls yeah right

and it's like this music is playing and the women are just walking in a circle they're just yeah they're just wandering around just pretending that they're at partying but you could tell that they're just sex slaves slaves right and also they didn't to me I was just like this is too sad it was that sounds fucking miserable too too sad prison yeah so so you so then I go to Camila go I don't know these are a happier place like a super super just right and he got no no dude I know I know the girl I know the girl okay so he disappears right he comes back with this Moroccan lady right her name is Julia but she looked

like a dark Julia Roberts no I'm being serious as soon as I saw her my dick just yeah I mean yeah it was like this right and a little like a little juice squirted out the top yet yeah it was like oh and he goes this is Julia and I go nice to meet you you know and she's you know when women first see me they make a face yeah yeah they go like that make sense yeah yeah so um I go what do we do now or I don't have the work you know me and he goes no you gotta come back tomorrow what check this out you gotta come back tomorrow and you gotta take her on a date you just take a prostitute on a date I go what the fuck I don't

know the language I don't know Moroccan ease or any other rock any I don't know any other shit right because it's not really a fucking it's just illegal right so you have to just show up here right go through the motions of it and but it's gonna I go okay so I wake up the next day and I go come here let's go you guys know you're going on your own out to the Super Disco by yourself yeah an hour in the desert by myself nope I go by myself you guys don't look at this piece of paper so he puts a piece of paper right on the top it says Julia 202 Johnny said it was okay that's what it said Johnny said it was okay well Johnny

said it was okay I go who's Johnny you guys don't worry about it just give him the paper mm-hmm so I go in the cab and I remember this I this cab driver he goes hey you want to see my new tattoo I go yeah he pulls up his shirt it's a full blown Adolf Hitler tattoo shut up on his fucking stomach in Beirut in Beirut had a fucking had Hitler doing this sig high I don't I have no idea wow so I'm scared and then now I feel safe for some reason and also but in every stop point yeah right it's harder because I don't know the language it's not like Camille could talk to these people yeah so it's just it just takes longer would you have

to keep saying Super Disco no I didn't say anything you can't say that so what does the taxi guy does yeah he's like you know he's gonna go visit I don't know what he's saying right yeah yeah yeah so we go out there and the cash tax it's during the day now it looks completely different oh it's just desert and just like 1970s Soviet looking buildings oh my god and he drops me off and he goes he just drives away yeah he knows right and I go what the fuck and I walk in there and there's a table a long wooden table off the side and there's probably about 10 Russian dudes Russian right drinking Turkish coffee smoking cigars

and they all have the guns oh yeah yeah yeah and they're just as soon as I walk in they go they just stare and I'm shaking Andrew the paper is just yeah yeah right and I will go to the front desk and in there was a doorway like that right yeah you know how in the doorway sometimes they have those like wooden these wooden beads yeah whatever the beads I fucking hate those yeah so this giant a guy a Russian twice the size of these guys walks through this fucking thing what do you want oh it was also Dracula and I go uh Julia to to Johnny said it was okay that's

what I said right and he goes who's Johnny yeah and I go good question and I ran out of the fucking building what yeah and I called Camille because he had with these the makeshift like throwaway phones right right burner phones I go there's no there's no Johnny so I'm gonna give you a cut there's no Johnny because there's a fucking Johnny dude he's my friend go back in there wait I wait a fight I'm not going back in there so I go back in there but now the guy still behind the counter like this huge huge huge and these guys are just staring at me yeah and I go back and I go Julia to Johnny says okay and he looks

at me goes I'm Johnny and then everyone starts laughing right yeah right and I'm laughing too and so then um he goes here's your keys right Camille took care of it you know every single range oh he paid yeah he paid for it and he goes and he gave me two remote controls one for the I remember one for the air conditioning and one for this the TV remote I know it's weird they don't leave them in the room no they don't so I have two remotes and then I have keys I go to room 202 and it literally is like you know the set this the room look like Munich 1972 I mean just 70s like drab but drab old not only just old but very

like the Soviet 70s yeah weird yeah yeah uncomfortable very uncomfortable the TV was like I didn't even know how to turn it on it was so old yeah the remote wasn't for the TV yeah I don't know what it was for and I sat there on this couch just waiting for this girl and I waited there probably for an hour and a half she wasn't in the room no so you just sat in the room I just sat there just just I looked around a bit right I looked outside it was just desert what do you do back then there's no phones you're not playing on a phone no no I had a makeshift as I'm saying so you just sit in silence just sat there and then I get a knock on

the door and she comes in and she doesn't speak English of course and she just goes she grabs my hand should we just sit on the couch and just sitting there I don't know what to say and then she starts licking kissing my neck right and then I'm not kidding you out of my dick you came already already a little bit I mean imagine a month right yeah right I could you could hear it like that right yeah and she goes okay come over you know she probably on the bed and she has condoms out of this purse right the condom on and she put it on for you yeah okay and she's beautiful she's hot yeah we should have asked

Rudy to leave the room like an hour ago are you okay cuz Kala knows a story you okay with it do you judge me for it no all right don't be don't be judgy okay all right she's tired from school yeah she's trying to learn as soon as I stick it in a calm what yeah I go right away right away so okay that's good let's you know I mean she goes no no for our he paid for four no easy for some reason you have to be there because of his dating thing for a certain amount of time right otherwise they know it's a prostitute right right so go for hours think she goes but we can do as many of what you want so you can just

keep doing it yes so you did like 12 times really oh my god did you love it oh it was the best for $200 that's all it was yes oh my god oh my god so you just kept going you kept going I mean it by by the 12th one you know I mean fourth or fourth or fifth you by zing drop comes yeah that's when your dick is like so wait a minute how do you say goodbye I don't you just got up and left yeah I just got my clothes bye bye well you give them a look like and then you wait hey you'll never get me I'm the guy that comes right away Ray Ray con baby I want to just say this right now I use my Ray cons more

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three at once are you lying because and because of the HIV thing and because you've lied a couple of times on this podcast mm-hmm are you being honest or real how about this from now on especially on this specific podcast please don't lie because I want to be real I got a hand job in college from a prostitute that's it yeah I never had sex I was so scared to have sex mmm that's a scary thing for me any gay experiences it was the hand job from the prostitute it was a guy no for real I did get a hand job from prostitute college at a party then you paid them yeah I was so sad it was like a frat

boy party type of shit and she was like a dancer they hired a girl to come dance right yeah and a buddy was like if you give her like $20 she'll jerk you off and I was like fuck you yeah he's like I swear to God yeah so like joking around joking around yeah dancing with me she's doing a dance yeah you know we're tipping her like she's a stripper even though we have like $9 to our name mm-hmm I said my buddy said if I give you $20 that you can help me out and she was like oh yeah right now oh wow I was like uh not in front of everyone she's like okay whatever what do you want I was like oh I don't maybe it's in the

bathroom so I go to the bathroom and I sat on the toilet I was super nervous this is so fucking gross on this story I sat on the toilet I just told you yeah but yours is fun and mine sad that's both sad well here we go yeah I sat on the toilet yeah and she's like mmm go on the sink like sit on the sink so I sat on the sink and I pull my pants down yeah yeah and she goes to give me a blowjob and I stopped her I didn't I didn't want she was I how many dicks that she sucked that night I don't know I got nervous can you get aids from a blowjob can you I don't think you can maybe I think it's like 1% or well I

didn't want to be the 1% I don't want to be the one guy that was like mom dad okay I got a trim a blowjob at a hooker at school yeah like think about that funeral I know he was a good man what year was it to mmm 2003 oh yeah well that you could have survived yeah yeah we had medication but you can take in the Michael still nervous what is the magic Johnson fucking shit money he had money oh that's true so I just said do you mind can you what if you I my friend said you'll jerk me off yeah yeah and she was like oh okay whatever she couldn't have cared less yeah so she started pulling on my dick yeah no condom is there a

condom on no okay no that's why I got nervous I didn't want the blowjob so she's just pulling on me pulling on me pulling on me and I was so in my head nervous yeah I you didn't come I went soft oh that's the saddest story get ready she kept going she just kept pulling on it soft for like maybe four or five minutes that's so sad and then I said I got to go I have to go I have to go that's your story that was my whole prostitute story it's the saddest story I've ever heard there's no ending I there was I left I know but that's not it's like a soft ending it was very soft yeah it's like it's like the movie six

cents mm-hmm without revealing that Bruce Willis was dead the whole time she's dead now if that helps the prostitute yeah yeah wow so the only one time you've had it yeah that's such a scary idea really you're just not scared you're not scared of it you know it's funny um you know when I so many penises so many penises they've had yeah but if you protect yourself it's like you know I know I just you know I want I I want to be the only bell at the ball listen I understand okay I listen you there are times when I do think back at my life and go why did you behave like that you know I don't I don't want to punish

myself for seedy behavior yeah right I don't really but you know there is some shame associated to it because like I Alex I'll tell a story at a part on a podcast and I can read the room yeah in the room going oh you're me and then me going oh my god I'm I am a weird guy huh yeah I'm a weird guy yeah but it's a good thing I don't you know it's we wouldn't have that Beirut story I know we would have just had a story about a guy getting jerked off in a frat I know his penis went soft but you know you know much that hurt my feelings I thought from that day forward I was never getting an erection again I went soft while a

good-looking girl tugged on my penis yeah I got so scared yeah but you know I understood because we're really running and pressure I was so scared yeah you need to be sometimes you want to be relaxed and she wasn't even looking at me while she was doing it which was even more weird yeah I mean I have to justify my Beirut thing I don't know if I would have done that if I was able to jerk off but I couldn't remember for a month it over a month yeah right so it was just all pinned up in me and I you know I felt so much peer pressure for me it was more peer pressure yeah like it would be cool to get a do I've lost my

erection from a prostitute all the time oh really like nine times in my life okay what's your total prostitute number me yeah be honest on as close as you can mentally because I know you probably forget some I wouldn't I'm gonna give you the most honest answer I can I usually I exaggerate yeah right I fumble the number numbers you know yeah over 300 what prostitutes not sexual partners women that you paid for sex yeah and I don't mean 300 times I mean 300 different women yeah huh that's a lot that's that's a ferrum that's a heavy amount it's not a lot no I think that's a lot it's not it's not not 300 times 300 I understand

the English language so I don't mean I don't mean how many times yet like I understand the English language and I'm telling you right now I've had sex with it what are you googling what the fuck you googling what's the average amount of prostitutes men get percentage of men by company country who pay for sex just because I want to see the average I mean Cambodia is killing it killing it yeah wow so United States ranks it 3 4 5 6 7th and about about 20% of men here get prostitutes 80% of men in Cambodia get prostitutes and what's what's the listen but I want to know the national average of number of prostitutes per man

Cambodian men are quite ready to admit they seek the favors of prostitutes let's see what the United States says down here what are we doing this I just want to know I mean I mean it's like you know I try to I'm honest with you and then now you're going to rub it in my fucking face I'm curious to know if that's an if that's how I was trying to be up I was just honest with you okay how much so how much money do you think you spent I don't thousands of thousands and thousands of dollars what's the average cost of a process I want to say this okay that I don't look like you what's the average I don't look at to me right

now yeah white piece of shit yeah me I don't look like you you know I grew up you know I'm older than okay what's the average cost of a prostitute 2006 it was about 340 14 it was 260 I guess that's not that bad so you haven't spent that much what's the most you've spent the well there was a girl in Vegas that I spent a thousand a pop a thousand per time mm-hmm how many times did you pop 12 times probably it's over a series of six seven years yeah oh so every time you went to Vegas you would go that's you'd see her yeah and you gave her around 12 grand maybe hmm that's not well yeah if you got it you got it I mean

that's just a little bit more than the go bananas guy gave you I guess yeah that's why you know but look at me look at me when I say this I don't give a fuck look at me yeah I'm not judging I don't care it's fine I'm just I didn't know three 300 sounds like a lot yeah it just sounds like a lot it may not be a lot but okay I'm 48 yeah all right and also you have to understand that so if you've been doing it for 20 years when I was in in in the 80s right when I was a young man right I graduated high school in 1990 wow I was in all these unrequited love situations where I would have a crush on a girl I would do everything I

can for them to like me I would stay in these like friendships with them for like six months to a year even when they would date another other dude I'd stick around hate that and be there you know be their friend and support of meanwhile I'm so jealous and I don't know what to do because I'm I feel so I had this negative image of me sexually I just when I looked in the mirror I didn't get who I was I don't like that that's me so my point is I I can name you the women Ashley Brown there's Rebecca Dresskin and a beeldon as I was just in these relationships where it's just like they I was in a room with a girl while she

was fucking another guy at a party and I loved her cooking yeah did you watch yeah did you I didn't watch I was just laying down next to them what she fucking you know so that's who I was you laid down next to her and she had another bed but like it was in the same room and I remember pretending to sleep and I know that she's fucking this other guy well right and so when you're in these and so you know listen to the whole thing you didn't say anything when I watch a movie I'll watch the complete movie even if I don't like it this is a bit but this is a really sad move I just saw trolls that cartoon

movie was what a good film and at any point during the movie did a troll fucking other troll in front of another yeah so you had all this so you know damage yeah and also I had this poor self-image I was sober yeah you know I was in going to a meetings and you know the first woman woman that ever had sex with me really that wanted to have sex with me is when I was 23 I had prostitutes before that when I was 17 I've been doing that but I remembered it distinctly I was doring at the Comedy Store in La Jolla timeout the prostitutes before that were Tijuana yeah yeah go ahead I just wanted reference

so you know I feel like this is I feel so shameful about this whole thing why you shouldn't feel any shame at all what is I've talked about it before it's way back there it's in the past who cares okay I remember it I was doring on a Saturday night yeah and there was a white chick in the front row and back then if you were a doorman at the Comedy Store on a Saturday you get to host one of the shows right to doorman I think they still do that I don't know they might yeah but um so I always did the second show and I remember having a I was a new comic but I accidentally had a really good set and then it was when

Princess Diana died oh have fun that was so good and there was a girl that was visibly beautiful girl that was visibly shaken by Princess Diana she was crying oh shit why are you crying you know when the showroom is leaving right because I had to close out the show so imagine she's in the front row I get off stage the showroom's getting up and we just kind of get bundled together sure just go why are you crying she's like I don't suppose it's a dying thing it's really and I go oh I hope you have it I rubbed her back and I said I hope we have a good you know I mean I hope you feel better you know like some incel fucking

desperate bullshit shit yeah right yeah and then I'm fucking cleaning toilets you know I mean afterwards yeah at the store with a mop you know I mean and Fred Burns Lee these are matters of the club I go what you have a phone call and I go um hello and she goes hey how's that girl um that was like you said about the princess died I go yeah did you lose it oh your wallet what what did you know I um you want to hook up I go what what do you mean a job offer like I had no idea right and the next thing I know two days later I'm 69 in her and her mom's closet in Oceanside California fun I'm literally her ass I'm eating her pussy

right how fun I'm in a closet and I'm looking up and I couldn't believe it how old are you 23 Wow and then from then on right I used so that's when all the prostitution stopped for me when you got a real girl no when I started doing stand-up right you know and then one stand-up happened like you know I did Frank Caliendo's podcast yesterday and a bunch of guys were like you always got hot chicks yeah since I've been doing stand-up right before that before because I didn't have a voice or had no confidence I don't know who I was always weed this weird Korean dude you know me the way I talk the way I imagine not

having comedy you know I mean as your backup at your foundation and just me being me but being a busboy at PF Chang's you'd be like that's un-fuckable fuck yeah but every but every someone's for everybody you see some really ugly people they say I'm not ugly I'm cute as fuck but my point is is that you said you felt I felt it but then by doing comedy and then you know you know when you get successful and things happen you slowly have a different image of yourself right and then all of a sudden I honestly feel as sexy as Chris Delia or anybody else you do I do you your sex level is as high as that guys no not

in terms of ratio you know I mean but what I'm saying in terms of how I feel about myself yeah is like that that's great I don't I don't look in the mirror and go anymore like oh look at this fucking weirdo I go yeah you go fuck yeah yeah wow and that's over that's because for over 20 years I've been doing this that's a great place to be and I've built my confidence up and I've um you know you feel you feel super you feel comfortable that's what it is not just comfortable I feel like but you ever look at Kaleila naked when you're naked get out of here she can't hear this stuff she can do you guys ever see

each other naked you ever look at her naked and you're like wow and then do you ever have a moment of like oh boy oh boy what because you look at you and you're no just different never never no she's in phenomenal shape no I mean I'll the other day I like she wasn't there but I was a wrecked I just pulled my dick out in front of her just in the broad daylight right you know I mean right what did she do I sent you the photo right I do remember that she sent me the photo to I know she did yeah you both you both sent me the photo look and I was I wasn't criticizing the prostitute thing yeah I'd like to know if the fans want

to answer how many prostutes they've had that'd be kind of nice I wonder how I wonder I don't advocate I don't advocate anybody doing that yeah right but you know why not but if you're in unrequited relationships all the time yeah right and you in and sex becomes especially when you're a young man in your early 20s and it becomes you know I mean such a you you build it up right yeah and you make it like you know your number one priority it's the only thing that matters right what I did was I um somebody or this old guy once told me that prostitution is a launching pad they go prostitution is a launching I

feel like that phrase isn't over it is over yeah I know I mean it's I know and then I go I asked him and he goes yeah just because you know once you start having sex right it doesn't become as important right and then it'll ease you into you know I mean other relationship you'll be more comfortable more comfortable it basically is training wheels yeah yeah it's also um you know it's like if you're already having it yeah right then it doesn't become as you know I mean did you ever fall in love with a prostitute did you ever catch feelings no never caught feelings once no never once did you go man I really

actually kind of like this girl no wow no did they ever catch feelings for you do you ever have one that was I kind of attached to you and wanted to see you a lot I've had women that should be prostitutes feelings for me yeah yeah I've had some weird relationship weird shit man yeah yeah like like I can't say her name but there was this girl that used to work at the comedy store like hang out at the comedy store and like for years I hit on her when I was around no okay before your time and then the time I hooked up with her she bit my fucking thigh so hard well she was like after she was

blowing you like she was kissing me and then she just bit me no so fucking hard here it started bleeding I still came sure afterwards but then afterwards I was like what the fuck you know she was like I was just into it you know after I came yeah right so I was doing it and bleeding you know I mean and she's doing it you know and so you know you just weird shit you know yeah you've been through you've been through it all my god I'm just so fascinated I want to know I want to know like how the I just want to know how like that world works where you get comfortable with prostitutes because this isn't it uncomfortable no

it's not even a little bit no don't you get afraid what if you're afraid of the cops are you afraid of getting caught what if it's a sting you know they have those bust operations you've ever seen on them on shows it's like a fat bald guy and in the prostitutes in a wig it's so obviously not a real prostitute and they're next door in a motel and they're like we're gonna bust it happen to be like fuck that's what happened to me with Mike young and they kick what what you and Mike I told you that no oh fuck man what happened so one night it was like we're at the comedy store yeah and it's three in the morning okay yeah this is

probably in 2001 okay okay 2000 yeah and we were looking through the LA weekly or whatever or the real a weed reader or whatever it's called right where they have the prostitutes yeah and we're like how much more do you have and I had just booked a commercial and the commercial money had just came in yeah what was the commercial it was a El Pollo loco so El Pollo loco guy we're had it dance like a chicken in the street it was one of those commercials where um we're like you know it's just everyday life right yeah where the cop pulls over you I mean the kid from the fucking bench gets up the cop gets out of the car you know I mean

people just start wandering the street and we also do it in the street and I remember I remember I lived in Silver Lake and I remember the Cholos right yeah would see me and go hey there's the guy and they would do the chicken yeah no that's that's wonderful yeah but so um yes so one night we look at this week LA weekly whatever it is and we find a girl and we call it and it was there was a hotel on sunset like a best Western yeah it's a best Western yeah and so she just you know we're we're here but this is where at this room it's like right across the street right and and Mike and I go over there and we see the room and

then we see the curtain open and you can see two men in the curtain white dudes right older look up and then when they kind of see us and they put the shade back down right why are you rolling no no I'm saying cuz because you know what's going on so I'm like what the fuck shady and Mike cuz I'm out I'm not we gotta try right yeah and he goes well then you do it so he sat on the sunset I walked up there I knocked on the door and there was a woman there she was a little Latino a little older yeah and she did not look like a prostitute right she's wearing a robe right I mean and she kind of looked you know she's smoking like a

congresswoman right that's what she looked like you know I mean and I go are you a cop and she just looked at me and I just walked away she didn't say a word no yeah goodbye mm-hmm crazy yeah you almost got fucking busted could you imagine what that does getting caught with that I mean fuck your dad just I think that would fuck you up yeah yeah I think that would have fucked me up at that time that would fuck you up yeah yeah like had you been on mad I think I was just on it yeah yeah I don't think I think that would have been that would have stung so bad yeah so do you ever think about that when you get put when

you got prostitutes back at age you think about cops or no but you think that you think okay number one all right I had never gotten an LA one the only way we would we would do I can't say the names but we would we would do lunch runs what do you mean so I would have when you were working at the club no there would be comics that would call yeah you would text yeah and you would they would say lunch run right yeah and you always you always knew what lunch run meant yeah hookers right right so there was a place in the city of industry right so sad call Hawaii theater the best sounds terrible it's

terrible yeah and you walk in the white theater and it's there's like these it's black boxy kind of you know yeah but there's like a nice stage with bamboo and coconuts you know me dangling yeah and it's like this makeshift kind of strip club but it was a you know a brothel and it's been there for years like people knew about that but it's not no longer there right but so we would either go there or we go to Mexico or I would do it in Las Vegas Vegas is the most common yeah but Vegas feels forceful because it's a part of the game out there who cares dude it's it's a business exchange sure but if it but it

should but to get look to get caught and get in the paper and have your name and all that stuff that's that's just that legal right in Vegas or in Nevada and that in the city yeah yeah but it's you know so my mic I got taken by somebody who I won't mention to a I got taken by to a really nice nightclub right strip club yeah trip club nightclub whatever Vegas is all the same and someone I'm with is jokingly saying like he's on a TV show no and this is when I first did I'm dying up here the first season and and and she's like you know these two really beautiful women you know all around us all the stuff and they have a

table and she they're both like come upstairs with us and they're prettier than any of the girls at that they're like the two hottest girls and I go upstairs and you know I'm up there and I'm thinking oh there's gonna give me a double dance it'll be fun you know I'm getting a dance and I'm gonna be mad at this no okay no it's fine strip clubs are fine so it's like they're getting a dance I'm thinking okay and then the one girl's like hey you want to have like real fun and I was like mmm this is fun this seems like real fun yeah and she's like no no no fuck that shit like we know you're on TV he told us so and so

told us like you're a TV you got money let's have some fun let's fucking spend some money who gives a shit and I was like no no no no no and she goes look a thousand dollars for both of us and anal oh they throw in the fucking they tossed in anal I know like it was tireshine like it was like or it's like you know those like it was like yeah add in yeah they added and if you buy now you can get another one for 1999 you also get the buy yeah so she she said and anal and I said oh no I'm not trying to I'm not trying to have sex and she was like come on come on come on I go I just want dances I went so I give him a

couple hundred dollars I'm getting a dance getting dancers keep dancing they keep bugging me for bugging me for bugging me for and then finally she like grabs my dick and she's like let's go don't be such a fucking pussy and I was like I don't I don't want to I don't want to have guys I don't want to I'm sorry man I don't want to know now when I said that go ahead what now if it was like if you were if you weren't married I was single and you were single no still weren't prostitutes would you have fucked them on regular style well yeah okay if I was single those two girls in a club yeah all right yeah yeah but by

the way in the Vegas thing that would have been prostitutes no matter what yeah cuz they would have fucked and they would have been like we need some money and then I've been like what are you talking about and then a big black guy would have walked in like they need their money yeah and I would have been like oh shit okay there's some money no but I just I didn't I was like no I'm out but when I said I don't want to have sex because you can't say it you can't use that language at strip clubs you know that right once you start talking about it's expletives then they're like hey hey hey hey right you

have to use code right right so they stood up and freaked out and left the room and then one of the bouncer guys one of the big black dudes walks in he's like let's go you out let's go to you yeah and they kicked me oh my god cuz I would I mean they were like strong army me to fuck and I was like I don't want to I don't want to I mean I wanted to but I wasn't go you know what I mean I was like of course I want to fuck these two trash bags but like no I of course no I don't want to I don't want to no thank you but a thousand bucks for two plus the butts is pretty nice isn't it one time I was in the Bellagio and I

masturbated just in the middle of the casino what and I remember Ike Bernholz grabbing my hair in dragging me out of the for you wasted this is the this is so I had been sober for 12 years yeah and then I had relapsed when I got on Matt TV in Vegas well no not in Vegas why were you going to Vegas with a bunch of Matt TV people went out there okay right and you know I had never done ecstasy before so fun right yeah after 12 years of right and never had never done it so I did it and I just found myself just wanting to masturbate in public huh yeah yeah and then I remember him dragging me by my hair to get you

out of the hotel were you still jerking off as he dragged you I think my pants were like be so funny if he's just what a crazy fucking city man so you watch 90-day fiance love all right so I when we watch it I always tell her right because you know I'm Ed and that Rose love Ed right Ed and Rose yeah I always tell her I go you're fucking lucky aren't you yeah right you could have been Rose yeah you could have been fucking Rose did you see the pictures of Ed when he was young no was he caught what was he hot yeah dude let me see Ed from 90 day fiance when he was young if you guys know what I'm talking about

he's Maynay's head he got they call Mayo had look at this this is Ed when he was young they posted these pictures online this is him when he was young look at that good-looking dude right there right there's two more that are better than neck the neck hold on there's what there's there's two those aren't let me see the neck hold on hold on well this is him look at this is him with male head this is big Ed putting Mayo in his fucking hair that's Mayo head Ed yeah look at that neck yeah it's as if like he got into a car accident and his head hit the windshield and it didn't break you know like it just squished him down yeah but look there's there's young

I want to find these young pictures they got revealed online somebody that he's friends with on his personal Facebook page apparently put up these old photos hmm look look look this is him right there that's it right there look at this look at that fucking photo of this guy oh shit hold on look at how good-looking he is right there you right is he good-looking yeah crazy good-looking back then yeah dude that's a good-looking fucking guy that's it's surprised the shit of me that's the same guy king that's the same guy wow right and then this is him too they have one more that one more he's holding his

daughter in one of these when she's young yeah there it is and look at that the neck isn't as bad by the way we shouldn't make it look at his legs though well look at him now yeah this is what I look like when I'm taking a shit yeah when I'm taking a shit that's what I look like sweating straining folding this is also my penis looks like when I get out of water you know what's sad about that show it's the it's the catfish ones like that black lady so many of them are yolanda oh my god or that one every way yo and her boyfriend's name is it's like a plural it's like Matthews yeah Matthews what is it William William

William William it's William yeah or that one guy that went to the Ukraine right because he's seven years he hadn't met the woman seven fucking years he still thinks she's coming out of the water this guy's never met this girl and seven years later he thinks she's gonna what he spent a hundred thousand dollars on just a fucking a site yeah yep right the all money no video no videos right only personal only chat only chat yeah only chat oh if I was his friend but but here's the problem yeah you can't tell a guy like that yeah you can you can oh yeah can no because a guy like that thinks they're thinks there's hope no

no no what would you say I'm him ready and okay I'm him ready like what's up you wanted to meet today yeah dude um number one all right I don't even know why I'm friends with you dude what we've been friends since we were I understand that but we're friends right are we not we're best buds as far as yeah and I love you right I love you too right see this of my hand yeah it's called a gun oh my gosh yeah what do you have if you get on the fucking flight I'm gonna fucking kill you dude all right gotta catch my flight I mean just somebody's got to talk sense he doesn't have family members that just pin them down and go the problem

wrote these guys never had anything they never had any they never had love so they think this could be the one these guys never had a normal interaction with a woman this guy thinks this is the one time he's gonna finally win that's heartbreaking it's so fucking heartbreak but I can't not stop watching I have to watch I have to watch and you know who my favorite you know when they watch when they were not caught up so we all know how many episodes only four episodes in okay well how about this you know there's another show where they watch the other other members can't pass members watch the show from bed you've

seen that yeah I've seen that yeah and then my favorite one is what I can't remember he's that he's the fat Buddha belly guy and she's the pellepeino girl that like you know I've seen there my fucking she makes me laugh so hard yeah she has a good comment for everything yeah the show is phenomenal if you haven't seen it people at home you should watch it watch it yeah it's we're totally caught up with this guy too you know the all these guys are I feel bad for almost everybody okay so that guy so that guy right there right yeah this guy the whole claim his whole claim is like I think she's using me that's that

yes yeah I'm sorry that's the fucking exchange that's the show we all know what this exchange is right I can't get you know I mean I can't get what I need need me you can't get what you need you want to come here right swap it up we fuck swap it up right you keep me plus plus right I'll give you card see citizenship yeah that who gives a fuck yeah well that's like we don't care in America when an old guy dates a young woman it's the same thing it's a true it's a trade-off yeah I don't think it's right I don't think I think that this dude right here the Russian guy yeah he can get girls here well so what is his

deal then why does it good because he's good-looking is this guy good-looking no yeah look at her face no but he's not ugly no he's not ugly but he's what he's okay yeah he's okay yeah but there was a girl in his hometown that she's like yeah I mean I was what's wrong with me and he's like I'm gay and I have to run away because I have to hide the fact that I know it is that it's like it's too easy no I don't think that's it I think he's got some weird he needs it I think he needs it I think he needs a Russian he needs a control thing she gets here right that's very bright yeah and control it's a control thing yeah the

other girl is a real relationship she can leave at any time all right this guy gets this girl to America she's stuck they're stuck yeah by the way to go through this process yeah they have to live together for a certain amount of time they have to prove that they're staying together for a certain amount of time otherwise she lose the citizenship so he knows and she knows they both have to weigh all these like elements out she's not dumb so she's like I still want to get to the States I don't care what it takes he can be like why am I get drunk and hit her one time she can't leave yeah she can't leave especially

I wanted to tell her through the screen it's like it's not as if he lives in Nashville where does he live he lives in Tennessee but like in the boondocks a little bit yeah right so I wanted to say that you know me lady it's just woods out there well you do that's where he can kill you yeah this is the girl that you were talking about Rose that's right I always look at fucking Julia kind of looks like role and I go you got here right without any of this shit yeah you should be grateful are you grateful yeah that's pretty impressive that does kind of look like you a little bit yeah when you smile let me see you see let me see

your smile look at that smile yeah yeah do that same face that she's there it is that's it that's it right there yeah yeah but the thing is is like this too it's like when he was asking her about like I want you to take an STD test yeah he asked her he wanted to get tested bro you're not you haven't had pussy in a decade get a little bump it's on your dick who cares who fucking cares a couple of bumps and itch also an STD test he goes I want you to take an STD taste to make sure that you weren't with other partners or whatever I want you take a test cuz yeah you take the test because you look like this but also why

doesn't he just why wouldn't you just if she said no if he said would you know about your sexual status she said no why would you go well just we'll just wear a condom then and if she was like I don't want to wear a condom then just go okay well then we should just get tested no fucker no condom I'm agreeing I'm saying if it was that big of a deal to this guy yeah what was he scared when you look like that yeah right and you have a 23 year old girl may oh Ed throw throw the dice I like the guy I gotta tell you I do not be into me and he's a very likeable guy the whole show is filled with very fun lovable people yeah

I just like this I just feel bad sometimes for Rose I know I feel bad for these girls cuz I know like when they when he goes to kiss her yeah it gave me the chills and what I feel bad is that when it's like when a serial killer like pets the victim's head before they kill them yeah it gave me chills in my chest yeah it's also like I feel bad that when she's like on the bottom and he's on top oh and she wants to put his she goes I want to put my hand around his neck he asks her put her hands around my body and she can't she doesn't know which part is what I can't I can't do it I can't because his neck and his stomach

are the exact same I can't you're a bowling pin yeah wow hey do you want to hear um do you want to hear a boy undress he has got material do you want to hear it yeah oh he's unavailable wow yeah that's a ton of the nerve out of this guy yeah let's let's call this moron and see what he's got to say for himself unavailable huh look at how nervous you're gonna make him Bob yell at him Bob seriously get really upset hello hey dude it's Bobby hey hey what the fuck do you not work for us yes I do then when we fucking call you're not gonna fucking pick up your the fucking

line dude what do you mean I guess you just call no we try to fucking hook up with you on on the online on the on the to do the stand up a dude what the fuck man huh we're all we're fucking shooting now you fucking the guy I'm I've been here waiting in three staring at my computer blindly waiting for you Bobby what we are that's what you fucking say but we fucking I mean I get it dude but you got to be more on the ball dude okay yeah you made him sad he said we're gonna do the stand up next week do you want to do it this week okay no we'll do it next week because I want him to do Bobby was joking around on days I

just want you to be more natural and not do like bump bump jokes and just talk about you know I mean your day you know what do you say I don't know what he's saying what do you say I have a really good set prepared for you here's a good set I want to see I want to hear it all right all right let's do it I'm gonna call you and then we'll do the video okay okay I'll you want me to be all face time you I'll face time your phone okay okay okay hey Andres yeah say I love you I love you guys okay we'll call you right now he you really that fucking hurt his feelings in the weirdest way

Andres the fancy be Rosendey okay here we go there oh look at our sweet sweet boy hi bud hey buddy oh we can't hear you why can't we hear you look at that hairline can you hear us no no this is funny yeah he's like give us a thumb up a thumbs up if you can hear us oh yeah we can't hear you though we can hear you no I'll tell you when we can hear you how long do you think we could do this for in the audience will watch us trying to connect with him you think they're already gone yeah all right let's okay oh how about Andres Andres we have a fix because it's not working so stand back a little bit and then stand

right there and put the mic up to your mouth and then we'll do the know a little bit yeah right there and then we'll do the jokes for you and you just mouth it okay here we go hey everybody I'm Andreas I from Spain how's everybody doing tonight I hope everybody just keep moving your fucking mouth Andres how's everybody doing today so listen I just got back from traveling overseas and boy are my arms tired and my immune system because of covid this guy knows this guy this guy in the front right here this guy I'm pointing to right now he knows what I'm talking about I'm Spanish and there's difference between Spanish and

Mexican we only fry our beans once we don't refry it twice that was good shit I'm sad I'm sad we can't hear any of these jokes that I don't know why the mic isn't working but we wanted to hear all these jokes you had prepared what happened we can't hear you yeah poor bastard all right well anyway good good good Andrew Andreas Andres Andres Hey it's good thank you thank you we love you we're sorry that this didn't work we'll get you next week Bobby says sorry and thank you he was kidding tell him you're kidding I love you Andreas I really do I love this guy we love you baby he's a good dude bye sweetheart I just oh I

also want to mention that yeah you know my agent said that we probably won't be going on the road until 2021 and how do you feel about that super bummed actually we you and I had a little talk off the air about it I don't want to spread rumors to make people get weirded out yeah but I think the truth of the unfortunate truth of that Bob and I talked about is we were gonna do shows together we know I mean we had gigs lined up with Callen and Shaw yeah but we were just gonna do and do a tour with a tour with just us and that we that wasn't gonna be till maybe beginning in the year next year anyway but now it's

we're gonna have to see what happens but I don't know man I really don't think we're gonna be doing anything until next year hey Jules when we do go on the road though you know that if him him and I go on the road yeah that you have to go yeah you're coming you have to sell merch and also all the fans will know who you are yeah you do have to come you have to come will you we'll fly you out we'll get your hotel room you live like a fucking queen yeah we get you'll you'll fly out you have a nice hotel you get to eat and drink whatever you want but I have school that's insane what are you gonna learn from school that you can't

learn from us tell me something you're learning right now that you don't think I could teach you biology yeah chemistry chemistry biology yeah okay um what hey yeah yeah what is it burners but biology oh what are you learning right now in biology what's one thing you're learning right now mutations gene mutation I have one red hair that's a gene mutation or fuck it watch X-Men X-Men that's another gene X-Men and watch Planet Earth with Attenborough's David Attenborough okay so we got that covered what else that done history go ahead oh man have you ever seen it was frozen it was when that's

when everything was frozen and we were chasing the Russians because they we wanted to get to the moon first right watch East Eastern promises whatever that movie is where they fucking stab each other in fucking spas yeah you need that what else is there something else you're learning yeah well covered so you're coming with us on why we honest okay can she do five up top what five steps stand up if we write jokes for you we open the show no you wouldn't you won't do it how about this if you buy closer to the mic jewels fuck if you open the show for us we'll give you five hundred dollars and all you have to do

is walk out open the show how many people do you think would be enough shows who knows after all this fucking shit we probably do we could probably draw about six hundred a thousand thousand maybe who knows yeah I don't know so only a thousand people would be there that's not a lot that's fine we could do a smaller one just to try it out at first 250 room yeah 250 or 300 would you want to do that I don't know I $500 cash look at you sweating can you let's we'll give you Bob will give you the joke yeah you write the jokes but I don't know how to how to say it and make people I know but the thing is

is that you have to go in knowing that you're not gonna get them to laugh right you know it's gonna be you already know it's people already gonna know that it's gonna be your first time and that they already know that right so no matter what happens who cares yeah who gives a shit don't you think that's fine you're gonna do it and you're gonna fucking do it you're gonna get paid you're gonna be performer we could get you some spots at the store too no so hopefully we'll be able to go on the road if we but we'd go on the road in the summer you could go on the road god I hope I would be right but wait a minute aren't you done isn't

school done for you no she's in school now no I mean I'm saying but when is it over when are you done yeah but in May she's only a junior oh I thought you were I thought you were last year oh shit yeah but you're 18 aren't you a senior when you're a baby she's Philippine she's from the Philippines oh so you're older and cool is this does everybody love that in your class was that cool that you're older than them they don't know they don't ask about my age no do they do they do you have a lot of good friends in school I don't know why it you know she's that quiet mysterious girl she's very nice and

sweet you know she's just kind of like you know but did you miss she didn't like in in breakfast club cute yeah man do you make any good friends in school do you have any good friends I know like three people but girls all girls two guys and one girl what are you letting her to she's not this girl is you're not you know boys are trying to date are they trying to date you they better not because you know Tito you know what'll fucking happen Tito fucking murder these dudes so the two boys and the girl are they are they American are they foreign do you have any foreign friends good stay away from them yeah you

want to you want to succeed listen don't think about it Jules but you will be going on the road with us it went when you can no doubt you can and then you'll sell merch right yeah you could tell your teacher it's like a like an internship yeah it is so you get out of school do it because at this point I am if you're gonna continue to do this right people are gonna know who you are yeah and you're a part of the show now okay yeah because we got the vote we got literally there was a poll that I didn't even put up 98.6 percent of people preferred you over George no really yeah yeah 98.6 in that seat they said they you're doing it

from now on you know that right yeah get closer to the mic yeah all right you're doing this from now on right okay or let's say thank you for being a hey yeah two things yeah love you love you too thank you for being a bad friend