Bad Friends - Tito Debate Election 2020

Episode Date: November 2, 2020

Thank you: http://meundies.com/badfriends & https://betterhelp.com/badfriends & http://keeps.com/badfriends & https://www.babbel.com code: badfriends Subscribe to our YouTube: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube 0:00 It's Perception and Time... Bobby Was Late Again Song 6:05 Andrew Buys Bobby an Anti-Snoring Chin Strap 12:05 Will You Lick This? 17:17 Your Calls: George's Laugh 800 Number 25:29 Why George Is Not a Good Guy 32:10 Best Tito of America Debate 1:00:45 Andrew and Bobby Form a Band with Rudy 1:05:05 Rudy Kicked Out of the Band 1:10:00 Sam Kinison: The Real Story From The Comedy Store Documentary More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com/ More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com/ More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Produced by George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Jenna Sunde, Joe Faria, Andrés Rosende Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Anchor if you haven't heard about anchor It's the easiest way to make a podcast. Let me explain. Oh, please It's free. Awesome. That's cool These are there are creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or your computer You do it from your phone like on the go. Oh my god That's cool the bus or the subway you can do it. That's cool Anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify Apple podcast and many many many many many many more You can make money from your podcast too. No minimum listenership. How about that? You can make money with no minimum listenership

It's everything you need to make a podcast all in one place. Where do we have to go Bob? Download the free anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started We're bad friends. Bobbi was late, it's an update. You're late every day, it pisses me off. That's why I'm always mad. You're late. You're so late. I'm always late. Late to the show. I'm not always late. You're late every time we film. You're late every time we film. Pop without fail. Every single time? Yes, you're too early. That's your problem. So he's being on time too early?

No, no, no. What you do is you come here like 20 minutes before, so it seems like longer. What you do is you come 20 minutes before to set up the show to make sure that everything is in order so that when we shoot, we're ready. I understand it, but it's all about perception and time. It's all about, it's all about, right, Jules?

No, no, no, don't, don't, don't. What do you mean it's all about perception and time? It's how you perceive it and how you live your time. Swing in the mist and that one's way outside, Bobby. No, no, no, I live in the moment. Yeah, and the moment is the time we're supposed to shoot, live in that moment and be on it. Right, but we're here now in the moment shooting.

Late, but other people have, we have stuff to do, you know? What do you have to do? I have to go to a thing this evening. What thing? Another COVID party? I'm watching a, Another COVID party. I'm watching a premiere tonight.

Are you in it? What is it? Davy plus two on FX3? The season is about to start and it's FXX. Thank you very much. Okay, sorry. Let's not make fun of my show. I'm not making fun of your show.

No, you are. What kind of a premiere are you going to do? The way you say it, the way you say Davy, you're on Magnum P.I. Is Magnum P.I. the cool show to be on? I'm Gellis. You are Gellos. Yeah.

Good to see you, Boop. No, no, no, no, no, no, because what you don't understand is, go ahead. Is that I woke up, right, in a fury. Why? When I called you? Because we have construction in the house. Because of the floor?

Yeah. So there's buzz saws going, dogs barking, you know. Crazy. I can't find my keys. And then all of a sudden, like I'm spilling drinks because I'm looking for, and things are splashing all over the fucking place. And you know, there's tension.

Check it out. Check it out. Let me finish. Yeah. There's tension, right? Run down, right? You know what? I go, baby, get me Starbucks.

She orders me Starbucks, right? I run down and I'm like, maybe I'll just, maybe going in front of Jewels downstairs, right? Cause she's in school, right? It'll make me feel better. So I go in there and she just gives me fucking judge eyes. You know what I mean? Judge.

Like judge Edo eyes. She's just like everything. I'm like, I'm OJ. Guilty. Yeah, guilty, right? And so then I'm playing Warzone. And then like, I can't get no kills. I'm just like, I'm just dying out there, man.

And then all of a sudden, like, you know, then the Starbucks is late and we're supposed to go here. And I go, should I get my coffee and have my little sandwich? Or should I come to Mel Neutrish to the podcast? Should I come to Mel Neutrish? Check it out. Yeah.

Check it out. We called, I talked to you at two. Two thirty. You had an hour and a half to put food in your body. Okay. And to get here on time. I didn't tell the story. But you wanted to wait for the story.

I didn't tell the story, right? You didn't? I didn't tell the story, right. So everything was just a lie what you just said. No, no, there's one little thing that I forgot to mention. Is it an important detail? Really huge.

And why'd you leave it out? Because I just wanted to get through the fucking story. Oh, so the important things you should take out. Yeah. Okay, so what's the one thing that you didn't? All right, so that Starbucks wasn't the first option. When I came down there, right, right to your room. Time out.

How long did you play Warzone for? We're waiting for, let me just finish my point, okay. So when I came down there, what did I say was coming first initially? Sandwich? No, burrito. Oh, burrito. Did I say burrito?

Yeah. Okay, thank you. So I go, we ordered burritos from Co-Fax. Yeah, I love Co-Fax. Breakfast burritos. It's great, great, right? Yeah, great. So then I started playing Warzone

and I'm texting Kalilah. You can see the text. Where is it? We have to go, right? And then she goes, it's coming. We're waiting. And then all of a sudden she says, they fucking canceled the order.

Because it was a breakfast burrito and you ordered it at 2 p.m.? I don't know. That could be it. I don't know what it is. And you might have a point, but that's irrelevant. It's irrelevant, right? Whatever the reasons why they canceled it,

they canceled it, right? So I'm like, now it's like, we're supposed to be at four? Now it's like 3.45. And I'm like, I can't podcast without coffee and I need to get some nutrients in my body because I'm a human being and that's what I fucking drive on. Could have some food at the house?

Could? No, because- Could have some food around the house? The construction is what? They're blocking the fridge. Yes. So? So I can't go up there because,

and it has nothing to do with a race or anything. Oh, it does. But that's a bit of Hispanic stuff. Oh boy, that's what it is. You don't like to be around Mexicans. No, that's what- I love them! You get nervous about Mexicans.

I love them. I'm single to my own. I'm the one with the fucking spices, man. They, you go upstairs and they're like- I bring the spices to the party. Hola, señor, and you're like- No, I don't. So I can't go up there and it's like,

so we're late, all right? But there's a reason why. All that other shit you just talked about? Was that not it? Yeah, those are the reasons. Those are the reasons. Yeah, yeah. So I think that in a court of law that I would win.

Mm-mm. Oh yeah, oh yeah. No way. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no way. In a court of law I would win. All right, well, I got you a gift anyway. For what?

Because I got you two gifts. Because we're concerned about your sleep patterns and I hear you breathe. The fans have noted that you're breathing so much they can hear how you breathe in the mic. Yeah. And they're concerned. A lot of people here are fluttering within your lungs.

People are getting concerned. We've had a lot of fans write in. Medical fans have said I work in the medical field, Bobby sounds a little sketchy when he breathes. So breathe through your nose into the mic. Go ahead. They're worried. So we got you two things.

I'm getting you help, by the way. I'm getting you a sleep apnea coach. We're gonna, it's gonna be on next week, okay? But I've got you two things I'd like you to try on now. This is an anti-snoring chin strap. The white one. Let's see if that works. See if it maybe helps a little bit

with your breathing technique. And these chin straps are from, from Amazon. They were the cheapest one I could find. So I don't know if they're, and they're made in Wuhan, China. I don't know where that is, or if that's a good spot to come from, but that's what these are made.

You place the wide part. I already know how to use these before. You used it? Yeah. But then put the other part behind your head. So unstrap the, Bob. Are you snoring? No, this is perfect.

Working. These are great. Well, there's a black one too. But we also got you one more thing as a gift. This is from the crew here at Bad Friends. This is a two-in-one anti-snoring and an air purifier. This is actually very dope. This came highly recommended.

You put this in your shnaz, you won't snore. It'll help you not have sleep apnea stuff. And on top of it, you're filtering out all the stuff that's in the air here in Los Angeles. We have crappy air, you know? So throw that in your shnaz and let's see what that does. We have really bad air. Have you ever seen the dust outside?

When you look at the furniture, isn't it disgusting? It's gross. Does it mean, this would mean, this would mean, this would mean that I would have- Is it that dusty back home? This would mean I would have- The Philippines? Yeah, is it dusty in the Philippines?

It's bad. I would have every hole in my face covered if I have this. Correct. Because I'd cover my eyes, my ears, and now my nose. Oh, I have one more hole, my mouth. Well, yeah, but we're gonna put a sleep apnea machine in your mouth. You could put the dick in your butt.

So what is this? You could still put the dick in your butt. Go ahead and put it up your shnaz and see how it works. Now breathe into the mic, let's hear it. Hello? No, no, no, breathe with your nose. How much smoother does that sound? Dude, this is gonna change your life.

No, but why, I don't, first of all, I don't hear a difference. There's a huge difference. I'm fine with my nasal passwords away. But you don't know what's really going on, Bob. Of course I do, I'm the one that's living in it. You barely know what's going on with your body. I know exactly what's going on my body.

You really do? It's a good machine. It's a bad machine, it's a broken machine. It's an old Xerox machine, we need to fix it. Yeah, but it's not, I'm not gonna die. I don't know. Am I gonna die? Is that what they say?

People are fucking emailing us that I'm gonna die. People are saying they're concerned about your sleep habits because it's really dangerous. How? People die so much younger when they have sleep apnea, when they can't get good sleep, when they stay up too late and their body isn't on a good time schedule.

This is how people die young. Okay, I'll keep it in there. It sounds good. It does? Honestly, it sounds like you're getting full filtered air in there. You feel that? It's smooth, right?

I literally am dizzy. Because you're getting so much oxygen. No, no, no, I'm about to faint. Don't faint. Okay. Should I keep it in? I think you should take it out. No, I'm gonna keep it in.

I'll keep it in. I'll keep it in. Look, it's gonna help you tremendously. Okay. Who are these doctors? People from the internet. Yeah, internet doctors? Internet doctors.

So what are they saying on that? They're saying that when they're listening to the fucking podcast, they can hear me breathe. Yeah, they can hear you breathe through your snows. And it sounds like you're not getting enough oxygen. You don't know your body. What kind of body fat percentage do you have, do you think? 4.5 over the redux of my body fat.

Really? Yeah. You're a body fat at measuring machine? Yeah. You're like 20 or 30. You're like, you're almost 30% body fat. High over fucking grams. Put your arm out to the side.

Put your arms straight out. I hear, man. All right, jiggle it. Like this, do like that. Look at that. Fuck you, there's nothing here. There's no muscle. That's like a, there's no muscle, but there's no fat.

Yeah, there is. Look on the underside. Look at all that fat wiggling down there. Skin. No, that's not skin. Yeah, I come from a big skin family. You guys have a lot of skin? We have longer skin and we have more skin

genetically for my family. Okay. Yeah. But there's no fat. No fat. There's fat in my stomach. But anywhere else doesn't, it doesn't exist. Okay.

Well, I hope this works. At least this, I think is a good start. I'll try tonight though. I think you should, honestly. What is this gonna do? It's gonna open up your nasal passages, right? It's gonna get more airflow. That's why you feel like fainting

cause you're actually probably getting a lot of oxygen in your blood. I'm a little high right now, it's cool. That's cool. Yeah, you do get a little stone from air. Yeah. Have you ever had an oxygen machine? Have you ever had like a,

have you ever been in the mountains before? Oh, I'm a mountain man. No, you're not. Oh, fuck yeah. Where'd you go? Big Bear. Mammoth. Okay, okay, okay.

Mammoth is good. Mammoth is up there. Mount Soledad. Mount Soledad. Yeah, Mount Soledad. When did you go to Mount Soledad? There's one in La Jolla. Oh, that's not, no.

There's one in Mexico that I'm thinking. You're not, you didn't, Mount Soledad is like a hill. Yeah, it's not a mountain. But it's called Mount Soledad. I promise you that. Sure, yes, that's true. Right?

It's called Mount Carmel, it's not on a mountain. I know, but it's still uphill. Sure, it's up a hill. Yeah, it's up. And you're elevated. Okay, yes, it's a mountain. It's not a mountain, but I'm just saying they call it Mount Soledad. I'm just giving you facts. Yeah, but that's not a mountain.

I need to know mountains. Okay, Fiji and Fuji. Fiji water, Fuji water? Yeah, yeah, I know. I drank Mount Fiji water on Mount Fuji. Did you really? Yeah. That's kind of fun.

That's really good. You just, it's gonna get more oxygen in your blood. It's gonna help you sleep better. And it's filtering the air. So then if Kalaila lets one rip at night or one of the dogs, you won't be able to smell it. Yeah. Or you, or you, if you don't want to smell your body.

This really hasn't really concerned them, man. This is kind of freaking me out. Same to us. That's why we're doing this. No, but do I really need to go do a doctor and get a fucking doctor? We're getting a guy on next week's test. That's what my doctor said. He's gonna analyze everything up front and find out how,

if you really need to come in and get a machine. Yeah. But I think he's gonna find out that, yeah, you're drinking 87 ounces of coffee. You're still smoking. You're drinking Red Bull. Your diet consists of pizza, boogers, and you know, Korean barbecue.

Yeah. I mean, when was the last time you had just a salad? For real? Monday, maybe. Was a salad with fixins on it? It was a pizza salad. Pizza salad, yeah. Okay, that makes sense.

Well, it's a pizza, right, with the sauce, but they put salad on top. Yeah. They really do. I know. It's really good. Yeah. Pizza salad's fine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I love, is carbonara a salad? Carbonara's not a salad, no. It's delicious though. Sure. Can we admit that? Yeah. And also, it fills you up.

Sure does. It gives you energy. No, I don't know if it gives you energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like carbonara a lot, you know? I don't know if that's a salad. And penne with carbonara, I'm sure that's not a salad. Penne is a pasta.

Yeah, yeah. Right. But it is, it's really good. Yes. I also like, what fruits do I like? I like blueberries. Okay. Bananas.

Bananas are good for you. Yeah. I like peanut butter with my banana though. Same. You do? I put peanut butter on my waffles too. I had blueberry waffles as well. So what I'll do is I'll chop up maybe five bananas.

Mm-hmm. And then I'll stick like three spoonfuls of peanut butter. Okay. And then I'll drench it with honey. Yeah. And then I'll make two gigantic pieces of toast. And I'll take all that and chunk it, you know what I mean?

And is that a salad? Yes. Okay. That's a salad. Yeah, yeah. That's a salad. By, probably by. By proxy.

By proxy, yeah, it's near enough by salad. Yeah. Take that out of your nose. Will you do it tonight for real? Will you really try it tonight and sleep with that in a chin strap? Will you lick this? Mm-hmm.

Please don't be honest. You know what? Let me ask you this. That's an old Korean custom. Right? It really is. I trust nothing the Koreans have done. I understand that.

But you know what it would mean a lot to me? It would make me laugh. You want me to make me laugh? Yeah. You want to make me laugh? Mm-hmm. You would make me cackle laughing. If I could make George lick that?

No, if you licked the tips of these right now. Like stick this in your mouth. Yeah. Right now. I just got over coronavirus. You want me to get a new virus? You'll, you'll. You have something.

I've had birth flu twice in SARS, okay? So, but I'm, you know what I mean? I'm on antibiotics, right? It would make me laugh. Are you on antibiotics right now? Why are you on antibiotics? I always take them. It's like a vitamin for me.

That's so, they're so bad for you. Oh, shit, I'll stop. They deplete your immune system. Oh, fuck. Bobby, don't take antibiotics. I don't take it. Could you lick this? No, you're not.

Yeah, lick this. I could see you just throwing down an- I'll lick the tips. The fans will love it. It's entertainment. The fans will love me licking your snot. Device? Yeah, yeah.

Why don't you make one of these guys do it? Yeah, yeah. Get in here, George. You fuck, you lick it. You lick it. George, George. He literally goes, he just laughed. Nobody sounds like you, George, it's you.

He just laughed. You know what, Andrew? You're coward. Thanks. Okay. Okay, I'll lick that. If on camera, you lick my open butthole. Oh, on camera.

I will on camera, moon there, and you lick my open tush, and I'll lick that. Okay. Really? For the laugh, yeah. I do anything for the fans. I know, it's disgusting. You know that, right?

I know. I would do anything for the fans. I think it's hilarious, right? I'd have to put a mask on. No, no, no, no. No, I will, I'll stick my tongue out but after one of the mask guys. No, it's gotta be tongue to, it's gotta be tongue to tush.

Can I do something that's like equivalent to this though? I just feel like you took it to a next level. Comedy, elevate always. No, but it's a contract, right? Yeah, and my deal is better than yours. No, no, no, no. The contract is this, it should be equal. No, contracts are never equal.

Yeah, yeah, why don't you do this, right? Why don't you stick a fucking tissue in your nose, right? Swirl it all around. I'll eat the tissue, you lick the tip of this. So you guys are afraid to go out to eat at restaurants. Yeah. But you want me to lick your nose contract. That's true, that's right.

Yeah, let's be real. Okay, let's be real. George trying to get away from that. George, we should have made George do it. No, no, no, no. What do we make him do? George, wait a minute, let's have him do it, or he's fired.

Do it or you're fired, George. George, get in here, I'm not being real now. George? George, lick the tip of, or you're fired. You're fired. Is that what you want? You want to be out on the streets? And also, I'll tell you this, George,

you're gonna get a lot of fans. A lot of fans. And you'll be punk rock. Do you want to be punk rock or not? Think Steve-O, how cool is he? Think Steve-O, correct, think Steve-O. All right, all right, Bob. You're fired.

You're fired. Yeah, what's up? Okay, so two weeks ago, people know, we put up an ad about Riso Soma audio victims of George's Laugh. Because George's Laugh is, quite frankly, a lot of fans have complained. Well, I've been, it's like, I'm immune to it.

It's like, when you watch like, you know, a scary movie, it's like, I've been watching The Haunted House of Blythe House, what is that called? Blythe Manor. Hill House Blythe. On Netflix. Blythe Manor.

She's just like, Blythe Bean. Blythe Manor. Blythe Manor, Blythe Manor, yeah. And you know, and there's a woman that just constantly, she has to cover the fucking, you know, mirrors because she sees a ghost all the time, right? But she's used to it. Yeah, she's, yeah.

I'm used to George's Laugh. But if I heard it for the first time, I would probably need trauma therapy. Right. Yeah, it's like so like, you know. It's heavy. Invasive. Does it do anything to you?

I like his Laugh. You do? Oh my God. She's great. She's a crazy human being. She's like an insane, a little insane person we have in the studio. Yeah, yeah.

Well, we had put up that commercial. I like his Laugh. I like his Laugh. I like his Laugh. We put up that commercial for the victims to call the hotline. It's a real number. Some people used it.

We've got some concern. These are real fans who are actually very concerned with what George's Laugh has done to them. I'm gonna play you guys a couple of clips, okay? Here we go. Let's hear this one. George has caused my family to leave me. His annoying laughter has ruined my life

in every conceivable way. It haunts my dreams. Caused me to lose sleep at night. I lost my job. My wife left me and took our daughter and moved back home with her family. Fuck you, George. Yeah.

More, please, more. These are real. These are from real people. Man, I can't get it out of my fucking head. Every time I try to go to sleep at night, I just hear that stupid son of a bitch's laughter driving me insane, man. I punched my wife in the throat the other day

because she laughed just almost identical to him. But then again, maybe I'm just hearing it. I don't know, she was asleep, so I doubt it. That's great. Fuck, man, I gotta make a stop, though. Hello, hello. I'm calling you, little Bobby. I can't hear.

I'm not gonna hear no more. Because it's George. He's been laughing for so long. He's been calling you, little more. Please don't call me, little Bobby. Rudy, is that somebody that you know? That sounds like somebody you might know. No, I don't know.

You don't know who that is? No. That's your mother. That was your mom that called me. That's honey. Yep. George's annoying laughter, bro. I was listening to the podcast one day while driving,

and they just popped up out of nowhere. Wait, mom, I'll change that, you're a diaper now. They just popped up out of nowhere, and it honestly scared me. I almost swear it was right until a fourth thing we learned next to me, and he almost killed me. I should sue him. You're gonna get sued, George.

You're gonna get sued. That message, though, was very good. Because in between, he did a bit. He did a bit. He's changing his mother's diaper. Yeah, yeah, that was really funny. That was really nice. But when he says changing his mother's diaper,

but he's yelling across the room, that must mean they're reusing diapers. He must be cleaning it out. Right, he's another room for sure. Right, right. It was disturbing. I mean, I got the joke, but you would just howl on the back,

and fuck me up, man. Like, I don't know, like, where the fuck is George, man? Oh, George! People are really disturbed. Honestly, George, this is bad. George's laughter has completely destroyed my life. I can't go to sleep at night. I can hardly wake up in the morning.

Every time I hear laughter, I'm always worried that George might be somewhere near me, and it's the scariest thing ever. I truly think I'm suffering from emotional distress. I need your help. I need your legal representation. So here's the deal. We have a law firm that people called,

and you know you and I are both, we both have, we passed the bar here in Southern California. Oh yeah, yeah, I passed the bar in three states. You have three, I only have one. Yeah, one in Nevada, one here, and one in Delaware. Why Delaware? It's the smallest state. It's the easiest bar to get over.

It's easy to get. Low to the ground, isn't it? And not only that, it's just easier to get one there. They just want to hand it to you. Yeah, yeah. There's a lawyer there in Delaware. Yeah. We got one more call from someone who's very concerned.

Oh my God, is this real? I'm not gonna lie, I love George's laughter hearing it in the background. You guys give pink dick too much shit. Yes! You don't know shit, you idiot moron! Me on these! Bob, what kind of underwear do you have on right now?

Me on these, it's the only underwear I wear because it's so comfortable. I like the patterns and the designs. And it's like, I don't think that I'll ever wear a different kind of underwear. I think me on these is the underwear for life for me. You know, whenever some people are like, do they even use any of those ads?

We both wear me on these. It's the only underwear that's in my drawer because I threw away the other ones because other underwear have seams on them. They get uncomfortable, they rip, they tear, and they streak easily. Bob, and these don't. I also like to perform with me on these.

They're just so comfortable. What, moving around? Moving around, and I just, you know, if I don't ever do this, but if I do take my pants off on stage, I also want to be fashionable up there. That's right, that's right. Me on these feels like you're sitting on a heaven cloud,

all right, because it's so comfortable, and smooth, and soft, and nice. Think of how much better you'd be feeling if your on these were covered in pandas or sushi rolls, huh, Bob? What do you think about that? Don't you think you feel a little better? I have raccoons, I have ones with raccoons on it.

I really like raccoons. You don't have the sushi ones? The sushi ones are my favorite. I eat them. Oh, you age your own. Okay, don't eat the me on these. Put them on your body. They have classic colors, right?

They have all the classic, but they also go ridiculous prints. I've got pizza parlor on mine. I've got little pieces of pizza and cheese. And your tush and your genitalia deserve the comfort that me on these has. We have an amazing offer for our listeners. First time purchasers, if you're out there, get 15% off in free shipping. They also have the problem free philosophy.

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That's meonthese.com slash. Bad friends. That's right. Better help. Oh my God, Andrew. This is my favorite thing in the whole world, because during the pandemic, my friend. Yeah, it's been tough.

It's been tough. And I've literally used this better help. And I do therapy every week because of it. Ditto. And it's like, it's so easy, man. It's like, you can start communicating with somebody in under 48 hours. And it's not even a crisis line or self-help.

It's like professional counseling like done online. But it's been so helpful. No, it really has. I use therapy. Bob and I both talked about it. We're pretty open about our troubles. And look, this is a great way. It's much cheaper than the other way,

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I'm tired of people thinking that we're being mean to people. Please. They know we're having fun. We're having fun. And I have to be honest with you, George is not a good guy. Tell me more. Well, George, and these are things. When I first met George, we had a meeting,

and he says, these are things that please don't tell people about myself, about my life, about my history. And you did it right away. No, I've never said it. And I'm saying it here for the first time. Oh, OK. Yeah, yeah. He liked when he was a kid, right?

He fondled squirrels. You know, he really would fondle squirrels. Really? Yeah, yeah. He would touch them? Well, he was from the forest. I understand. Right, he's from the woods.

He was raised in the wild. Right, so he would capture, you know what I mean? But these aren't just adult squirrels. These are kid squirrels. Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They didn't have that brown patch of hair down there. And their squirrel nuts haven't dropped yet.

Yeah, they're a little dropped. No squirrel nuts. Right. And he used to lick his finger like that, right? The index. And like rub, even the penises, rub it like this, right? And the squirrel would like, right? And he would rub it hard, right?

And one time, two squirrel babies, right? He rubbed it so much, it started a little fire. Oh, no. Yeah, the first one flames, yeah. He lit squirrels on fire by rubbing their genitals? Yeah, he rubbed like this, so hard. Circular, yeah. So that's number one.

And so that's, you know, not illegal. You still wanted to work with a guy, huh? Yeah, he's very good with numbers. He is. And he's very proactive. He is. Right. So the second thing he did was he didn't,

there was an old lady in the forest that lived, right? And she had 52 bags of safely bags, full of groceries. One for each week. She liked to hoard. She likes, no, she likes to hoard, right? And get all her shopping done for the year. Right, I'm saying she has one bag for a week. Exactly, right?

Yeah. So she's like, George, will you please help me? And he goes, fuck you, bitch. Or something like that. George. Yeah, fuck you, right? And so she was carrying a Mack truck. She died.

She got hit by a Mack truck? And then George's laugh at the cross the street. George, did you laugh when an old lady died? He was 17 years old, 17 years old. Ew, dude. Yeah. What are other secrets? I hear another secret.

He was taking a shit, right, in the forest, right? And he didn't have any toilet paper, so he wiped his ass with a Bible. Whoa. Yeah. Whoa. Corinthians. Dude, Corinthians?

Corinthians. New test? Yeah, new test. Old test? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. You've heard things, correct? I've heard so much bad stuff about George.

In fact, here's what happened. When we talked about doing this show, we met at a restaurant on Ventura in the neighborhood. And I said to him, hey, I'm going to be running a little bit late because I have to go right next door and grab something from CVS. He says, I'll just get us a table. You know?

Yeah. That's how he sounds. And he got us a table, right? And I walk in on time, actually. So he thinks I'm going to be two minutes late. I'm actually on time because it worked out better. I see the way he's talking to the waitress. I'm not kidding.

I'm not making this up. She's a little plump. She's a little thick, right? She's probably five, two, you know, 330. She's rotund. She's rotund. Rotund. Right, right.

She looked like violet, Beauregard, when she blows up in Willy Wonka. Anyway, George looks her in the face. I'm not joking. He goes, I said, club soda, fat ass. And she starts crying. And he goes, yeah, keep crying. Maybe you'll lose some weight.

Maybe you'll, I swear to God. He goes, maybe you're carrying around water weight. Right. And so then I enter and I said, George, what was that all about? And he stumbled. Mrs. Oh, I left something in my car. He got in his car.

He left. So that's how he treats people when we're not looking. Can I tell you another thing he does? Please. Just because you take a letter out of a racial, you know what I mean, slur, doesn't mean anything. You make it right. Of course not.

Like we were driving, right? We back. You can't say we back. I say we back. That's what he said. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, he laughs. He loves it.

He loves it. When I met George outside of your old place for the first time when I first did Tiger Belly, you were like, oh, George will come down and open up the gate. And George comes downstairs. And I'm not kidding. He's got his penis out. George had his penis out.

And he's pushing in the code for the gate with his penis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's going like this to me, smiling with his hands. I know. I know, I know, I know. And I thought for a second, OK, comedy world. He gets comedy. This isn't this.

OK, but then this is insane. I look across the street. What's across the street from your old place? An elementary school. Wow. And he wasn't waving at me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Showing him the code.

Well, you know, I went to a pottery class. Uh-huh. George and I went to a pottery class, right? Yeah. And there's children, old ladies, you know what I mean? A couple of black people. As well, right? All kinds of people.

Everybody likes pottery. Right, right. And you're painting. And he did the same. You know, there's a brush, you know, because we molded. Oh, you did it on the wheel. We molded on the wheel. Oh, wow.

We did it like the movie Ghost, right? So he went right behind me, right? And we're just doing it, right? And then all of a sudden, I'm like, is your dick in my asshole? Was it? Yes. Ew.

His dick was in my asshole. No approval, by the way. No approval, right? George. And then after the fucking pottery thing, Dr. Drive put in the oven and whatnot, right? He painted it with his dick. Oh my god.

So it was just like these little dots from his hole, like a little, you know. From his slip. Yeah, from the slip, yeah. I got to tell you, I don't approve. Rude, do you like George at all? Now that you heard, now that you know the secrets that we're not supposed to tell, how do you feel?

Yeah, he's scary. See, he is very scary. Very scary. And he's not a man that you want around you, correct? I'm going to tell you right now, Jules, when he calls you Ooke, right? Oh, jeez. Jules, and you're like, what does that mean?

You think it's a. I'm afraid to tell you what it is. Right. But he always goes, hey, you Ooke, right? And I'm like, yeah. Well, he thinks it's cute. He goes, hi, Ookey. He thinks it's cute.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He thinks it's like a fun term of endearment. It's like, I was afraid to tell you what it meant. And so I'm just letting you know, add whatever letter you want in front of Ooke. I bet you could figure it out. Yeah, you could fill her up. It's not a vowel.

How about that? Well, anyway, so George is a bad guy. He's really good with numbers. And he's very hardworking. He's a politician. Yeah, he's very good. Speaking of which, it's election time. And I'll tell you what I'm looking forward to right now.

Kanye. Kanye 2020. Yeah. Yep. We want him to win, president, of course. You did. Here's the deal. We have a thing that we're about,

I'm filling you in as we go. We're going to do best, since we can't have a president of the podcast, right? People say, why don't you guys do a presidential race of the podcast? I said, no one can be the president of the podcast because there's three parties, right? You can't, and there has to be only two parties.

So I think. Well, she's kind of like the Green Party. She's the Green, right? Yeah. And what are you? Democrat. And what am I? Republican.

You bet your ass. No, but the truth is we have to run against each other. And I think we've decided to make you and I are going to run. Andres has compiled some questions for us. OK. And Rudy. So does a debate?

Uh-huh. Oh, fuck. Because of the, I didn't prepare. It doesn't, neither did I. But we're running for best. You have debate people that you practice with. We're running for best Tito, OK? Best Tito, and she's going to choose who's best Tito.

Do you understand? All right. Good evening from the Bad Friends studio in Los Angeles, California. I'm Fancy B, your moderator. And I'm welcoming to the first and only Bad Friends best American Tito debate of 2020 between Tito Bobby and Tito Andrew.

The commission of very important debates have decided the format for sections of approximately four minutes each with one minute of interrupted opening statements from each candidate. For the record, the candidates have not agreed to respect any rules. I have decided the topics and the questions.

And I can assure you, none of the questions have been shared with any of the candidates. As a precaution, the candidates have agreed not to shake hands at the beginning of the debate. George has promised not to laugh. No noise, except for now, when we welcome Tito Bobby and Tito Andrew. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Good to be here. Thank you. So gentlemen, a lot of people have been waiting for this moment. So let's start.

Our first topic is house rules. Tito Bobby, you have said you leave dirty plates everywhere. You have a drawer full of hands. And you leave boogers in your guest bedroom. Tito Andrew, you have called your opponent disgusting and accused him of unsanitary practices. Yes. You prefer to have classified, unused furniture,

and spotless rooms. Why are you writing your opponent wrong? We start with you, Tito Bobby. I am right, because as we know, life is hard. For some of us, yes. For most. For you, for sure. Well, for us, that struggle, right,

and know what humanity is about, and know what hardship is. You're rich. He's been taking money from the Chinese for years. He's been taking money from the Chinese. Excuse me. Explain the email. Explain the email. There's a little email that we have on file that says,

that says, you have to fucking unite and group together. There is no sides. There's no red or blue. Oh, there's red and yellow. We're just Americans. No. We're Americans. Are you?

Where were you born? I was born in San Diego, California. Show me your passport. I have my passport. I don't need a passport, because I have a birth certificate. Oh, show me that, too. Thank you so much. Show me your birth certificate.

Hokes, fake news. How am I fake news? OK, you're the one who keeps unkept records of yourself. You were late to this debate. What kind of person wants a Tito who's late to the debate? Let me ask the question ahead. Why don't we leave the questions up to the moderator? Let me finish my point, sir.

OK, go ahead. Thank you. All right. Will you shut up, man? Life is hard. Honestly, can I finish without him interrupting? 30 seconds. How is that even 30 seconds?

What are you fucking interrupting me? Here we go. All right. So let me just finish. All right, sir, thank you. Life is hard, OK? And I know that when Jules leaves our house, she is going to be confronted with all kinds of elements.

And I want to be able to toughen her skin. I want her to succeed. And I want her to know what tough love is, et cetera, et cetera. So what I do is I put things around the house purposefully. Bodily fluids. Yeah. He puts bodily fluids around the home.

I'm going to tell you this right now. You want a Tito who does stuff like that? Can I say something right now? When she goes out in the world, right? Yeah. And some homeless person spits on her face. She'll know what to do. She'll have the immune system to fight it off.

Homeless people. By the way, under my regime as Tito? Right. Everyone's homeless. Everyone's homeless. I know. Everyone's homeless. Everyone's homeless.

That's right. Right, so I am preparing her for a hard life, a difficult life. And she one day will be grateful for my fucking tutelage. OK. Can I have the floor, please? Because obviously this guy. Well, Andrew, you have been going over the limit. Great.

So I think we have a lot of questions. We have to. Thank you. And you know what? This is CNN propaganda. That's what this is. This is MSNBC. And I know.

And let me tell you something. Why don't you talk? They muted my mic. That's really good. They should mute my. Why don't you talk about your son? Why don't you talk about your son who was on heroin? My son Alfredo, right?

He was on heroin. He got killed out of the air force. His business was never on heroin. He owned a pizza parlor, and the Clintons were running kids out of the parlor. What's the excuse there? We made pizzas. My son made pizzas, and I said he had a human trafficking

business, but he did not shoot heroin. He did not shoot heroin. Next question. OK. Our next look is dedicated to holidays. Thank you. My expertise, by the way. Thank you.

Well. You're welcome. You have handled Halloween by turning the lights of your house and hiding from kids. Tito Andrew, on the other hand, have been given 50 bags of candy. So the question that nephews and nieces across America want to know, how are you going to deal with Christmas?

Well, here's. We start with Tito Andrew. Thank you. Well, I, as a Christian, God fearing adult male who loves baby Jesus, both black baby Jesus, and white baby Jesus, I handle Christmas with care, with precision, with expertise, and with love. I decorate my home.

I give away gifts to the homeless, increments of 1,000. I give away $10, $100 bills to people at random on the street. I'm very giving. I'm very loving. And I believe that during the holidays, we need to be praising the good Lord, preaching the good word, and making sure that we instill these beliefs into the youth

for the rest of time. And I am someone, I am a Tito who gives gifts, as people know of this show. Have I given you gifts? I have. Have I given you gifts? I'm not done. Have I given you gifts?

No, you have not. I just gave you two today. This is not a gift. Sure. And this is how we feel. This is not a gift. And this is how a privileged person feels about everything.

They don't want anything you give to them. It isn't enough, because it didn't cost enough. He didn't like his cake I gave him for his birthday, because it was from Vons. Right. It's like if I give you an eyebrow trimmer, that is not a gift. That is something to help you.

I would love it if you gave me one. And that would be a gift. May I have the floor? I'm not done with it. May I have the floor? Rebottle. Tito Andrew, I mean, shut up. Tito Bobby, it's your time.

It is true. I will deport you. This guy is getting deported after this. It is true that I do not give children candy on Halloween. Yeah. That is a fact. But what you do not realize is that I give the kids candy

every other day after that. Prove it. I do. I go around after Halloween. I'll go up to any random child, give them candy. They go, why? Because I will give you candy, not Halloween, but every single other day.

And they go, thank you. There's no proof for this. This is a lie. It is not a lie. No one's ever seen this. I do do it. And here's the thing. You've given fucking Julie on a gift.

I give her the gift of life. You didn't give. You're not her father. I know. But I give her food and nutrients and shelter and blankies. As we know. Do you not have a blankie?

Do you have a blankie? I have. Right. As we know. Do you have a temperpetic bed? Yes. Thank you. As we know, Tito Bobby only gives gifts to Rudy Jules to

hold them over her head when he wants something in return. He has tried to blackmail her. What can she do for me? Have you seen on the show, he blackmailed her with Starbucks? What can she do for me? What can she do for me? Enrich, enlighten.

She is the youth. That's the future. I have not learned anything except for certain anime shows from her. What the sharpest knives are. Yep. Right? That's pretty much it.

She's given you more than you could ever give to anybody because you're a selfish person and she is not. Next question. Next selfish question. Mike's got cut. Good. Next question. OK, so.

Babble. I have a question or a statement I want to make to you. I've always wanted to learn a different language. And the one language I want to learn, and I'm doing it through Babble, is Portuguese because I want to be able to talk to Cristiano Ronaldo. What do you think you'd say to him if you did? El Guapo or something like that.

You're handsome and something sexual. El Guapo, guapo guapo guapo. Something sexual. Yeah. So Babble is different than other, you know. Language learning programs. Yeah, it very much so is. They use a method designed to get you

speaking a new language within weeks, which is insane because most other ones take months and months and months. It's like real talk, like slang. Yeah. And how normal people talk in that particular language. Yes, yes. If you ever worked in a restaurant industry and you're a young white dork like me and you had Mexican men making

fun of you, Babble would have helped me a lot because I wouldn't have learned what all these slangs were. Right. Yeah. Babble does help you teach you street language and also proper language words and phrases to get you back running up with whomever you're speaking with. But it gets really complex as well.

You know what I mean? Yeah. You could like speak, you know, to a politician as well by using Babble. Sure, you could. It's not just street shit. No, you start with words and phrases and then sentences gradually as they get more complex.

Then you can do conversations. They get you doing a daily 10 to 15 minute lesson. So that's super quick and easy. Over 10 million people have tried this. So why wouldn't you be another one? These are real language experts that have created this program and algorithms. So it's pretty flawless.

Yep. We, Bob and I have committed that he's going to learn Portuguese and I really want to learn French just because I want to have this accent. I really like French bread and I figure that adds up for me. Right now, Babble is offering our listeners three, three months for free with the purpose of a three month subscription.

So you get three months for free with the promo BadFriends. That's babble.com and use the promo code BadFriends on your three month subscription. That's Babble's spell it, Bob. Babble is B-A-B-B-E-L. B-A-B-B-E-L.com. Use the promo code. BadFriends.

That's B-A-D-F-R-I-E-N-D-S. There you go, Babble. Language for life. Keeps. Guess what, Andrew? I'm losing my hair and I'm really going to do this thing keeps. Yeah, I've already used it.

I've been losing my hair since I was six. I think six or seven has started to fall out. You're telling me about it and I was like, I want to start doing it too because it's really working for you. Look, it's a bummer for dudes because our hair falls out of our head. Chicks, don't really have to worry about that as much as the dudes do.

We get in our 20s and 30s, we start noticing hair loss, almost every dude on earth unless you're Brad Pitt. And two out of three guys are going to experience a form of male pattern baldness. And you used to have to go to the doctor's office to get something like this done, but no more. Those days are over. Those days are gone.

You can do it online, dude. It gets delivered to your house. They make it so easy. They deliver medication every three months. You can say goodbye to go into the pharmacy. And people are embarrassed about this. You shouldn't be. Most dudes have some kind of hair thinning, unless you're

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All right, so that's worth it. All right? That's definitely worth keeping your hair. We're all losing it. Me, for sure, my thin red hair. I like to keep it. And it's worth your time. You must try it out.

If you're ready to take action and prevent your hair loss, go to Keeps.com slash Bad Friends to receive your first month of treatment for free. That's Keeps. K-E-E-P-S dot com slash Bad Friends. On the topic of being a good uncle, on your last episode, Tito Bobby, you have described Rudy as an ungrateful, Mongol-feet uke. Tito Andrew, you have marked Rudy's

accent constantly. So why would any of you be a good uncle for America? Tito Bobby? Like I said, OK, the reason why I put the boogers on her wall and I insult her, right, is because I'm trying to strengthen her. Because she is not from this country, right? She is not.

She is from the islands of the Philippines. Is taking money from China and people from the Philippines. Just know that that's his agenda. Rudy is in a new land, right? And I am just trying to help her grow as a human being. She's an adult grown human being. And survive in this crazy world. She knows how, right?

She doesn't need, and she doesn't need, your disgust in this. And let me tell you something. And when you call her uke. I never said that. Yeah, you know when you call her a hand-faced uke. Fake news. You're a white person. Fake, fake news.

For you to do that. For you to do that, not blood-related. Fake. I'm blood-related. No, you're not. No, you're not. Yes, yes. No, you're not.

She's my sister's fucking daughter. No. I have a sister named Honey. My daughter. That's not your sister. That is my sister. You're not Filipino. I am Filipino.

No, you're Korean. I'm 25% Filipino. You're 112% Korean. And the extra 12, we can tell. We all know where that 12% went. You are obviously white, sir. I'm obviously nothing. For you to call a young Filipino lady a island pan-faced uke.

No, I never said that. It's crazy. You were the one that says Mongol feet. You were the one that says racial epithets. I simply. Have you ever seen her climb a tree? No. She can.

And quickly. The I only tease her accent because it's sweet and loving. I've never insulted her. I've never called her names like you have. You call her degenerate, brat. You've called her the C word off air. I've seen it. Yeah, Catherine.

Yeah. I've called her Catherine. But Catherine in Filipino means something else, pal. Beautiful. No, it means the C word. It means cunt. Yes. Yes.

He does this. And this is. OK, OK. Yes, thank you. Guys, thank you. Let's try to keep it civil. We're trying. OK.

We have our next topic is quality time. Oh, Tito Bobby. My expertise. You have complained about waking up to go to see a satellite launching or to go fishing. You decided to stay in the pool while your family went hiking in the Philippines and stay in your hotel during your recent trip to Joshua Tree.

Why would you say to those who call you lazy and that you want to spend time with your needs? It's really about point of view and perception. And let me ask you something, all right? When you hike, when one hikes anywhere in the world, right? You don't want to take a week. You want it to take a couple of hours, right? If I went on the hike, it would take weeks for you

to get through the hike, because I'm so slow, like a sloth, right? So I'm being mindful about their time, right? I want to go to the hikes. I look in the eyes. But you don't. May I go. But you don't go.

And they say, Tito Bobby, she says, Tito Bobby, right? You know, I have school next week, right? I have a life to live. You mean, I want to be able to get through this hike today, right? So you can watch, you know what I mean? Your movie's in the hotel room, right? And you can go to the buffet in the morning, right?

The high class one, right? And have your pastries, right? Well, I take. But thank you so much for volunteering. And this is what somebody says when they don't have the best Tito. Someone like me, best Tito. You've never taken it anywhere.

You've never taken it anywhere. You know why? You know why? You know why? I've taken her to San Francisco, Canada. I can't take her anywhere. Canada, New York, Hawaii. I can't take her anywhere because I'm a white male.

No. And if I'm seen around town with her in a van, they're going to think, that's a kidnapped kid. Yeah. Why do you have a white van? Why do you have a white van? Why is it white? So everyone can see where I'm going.

All right. I'm a great Tito, and I would love to take Rudy out to lunch or somewhere nice. I would always be on time. I would take her for a hike, and I would get the hike done on time. A good Tito. You've never done it, sir.

Because it's. You're all talk. Because it's illegal. You lie. Because it's illegal. You're all talk. Because it's illegal. You keep her caged up at your house.

She's one that have proof. Do you have a cage? Do you live in a cage? Kind of. Kind of. Do you live in a cage? She lives in a cage. You heard it, America.

You live in a cage. The least out of the cage. Be honest. You live in a cage. Yep. Kind of. All right. I love it.

Next question. OK, but Tito Andrew, and on this topic of quality time. Yes. I don't think he's so fucking mad just now. You and him. Yeah. Tito Andrew, it looks like you have some rage issues. It's not unusual to see your face go red.

I mean redder than usual. Your eyebrows palpitate, and you yell a lot. So why would anyone want to spend some quality time with you? Here's why. The only time that I get upset and I get more red than I am is simply when somebody disrespects my time and or space. Tito Bobby, the worst Tito in the room, never respects my time or my space,

doesn't care about what I've got scheduled or what I've got going on. And that's the only reason that I have anger issues, which, by the way, I'm in therapy. I've been in therapy for a long time. I'm working through it. I have multiple therapists, by the way. OK, I am in therapy.

It's working. I'm struggling through it. It's not easy. But I'll say this. Have I ever yelled at you directly? Have I ever screamed at you? I have not. I yell at someone that disrespects me in my time,

and I am therefore the best Tito. Tito Andrew screamed, though. Yeah. At whom? At whom? Tito Bobby. That's right. Do you get affected by it?

It's scary sometimes. Thank you so much. It's called residual. No, it's residual fear. It's scary because it's scary because you think I might actually hurt Tito Bobby, but he deserves it. It's funny. It's funny, my friend.

It's funny, my friend. Oh, don't talk to me like that. I'm not your friend. I've had so many people call me and go, how do you work with that guy? Oh, is that what they say? Right. You know what they say to me?

How do you work with that guy? Yeah, how do you work with a man full of rage, he's unreliable, and anger, and hostility? And he's dirty. And I say, I can see through that thick, fucking, disgusting crust and see a kind of human. And yours is so thick, I can't see through it. That's who you really are.

And you always result to meadness. Ladies and gentlemen, I am, of course, the best Tito. I am the best Tito because I'm the one that have had the actual experience and the fact he's never lived in our house. He's never been a Tito. I am a Tito. I'm the one that has done it.

I have two nieces. I have two nieces and I'm a great Tito. I give them gifts. I'm the one that's taken to San Francisco. I'm the one that takes the Cabanero sauce. Oh, San Francisco, the most dangerous city in the United States. Melrose, that restaurant that you really liked?

I got you Cabanero that night. Cut his mic. OK, final question, the most important of all. You live in a cage, huh? Interesting. A lot can be learned from how others judge you. Fucking it. So can you please take your phones out

and open your Uber app? Please tell America what your rating is. OK. What's your, what's your, what's, go ahead, Tito Bob. What's your rating on Uber? On Uber. What is it? 488.

488. Yeah. My Uber rating is 489. I swear it's 489. Fine. Well, that's fine. And there, there you have it. There I have it.

OK. Now we have Rudy here to decide who is the best Tito. Put your phone down. I. Oh, sorry, hold up. I'm sorry, I don't want to interrupt. This is real interesting. I think both of you just kept screaming at each other.

There weren't a lot of points taken. You have to choose one. But I think. You have to choose one. No, I can't. You have to choose one. How are those sandals that you're wearing? The new ones are comfortable, right?

You have to choose one. Or that nice. Remember that cool knife I got you? Or that frame dart behind you. You have to choose one. This is hard. It doesn't matter. You have to choose one right now.

The choice is clear. Do you want to sleep in your bed tonight? Be honest. Just answer. There's no consequences. OK. I think Tito Andrew is really nice. And I'm very graceful to go in.

I know where this is going. But I think Tito Bobby wins. Take off the shoes. Take off the shoes! Best Tito. Well, as you see. But it's no. I'm not far off, because I'm the best other Tito.

I got a little hostile. Cheers. Cheers, my friends. Cheers to the best Tito. May the best Tito has one. Do you want to count a position? I would love one. OK.

But you know what I want to do? Transportation. How about removal of people? Yeah, yeah, removal of people is fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've got to get rid of some people. Yeah, that's true. That is true.

That is true. Hey, I appreciate the honesty. You did a great job. I'll tell you why it's a 48. I know why. Mine is. The first time I ever did Uber, I didn't know how it worked. And I didn't tip the person through my app.

They don't. But that's not why they rated you low. Yeah. Really? Yeah. I got rated low because. I got rated low, the first one, like a zero or something. And I'm like, what?

I gave a friend. You know how I called an Uber for a friend? Yeah. And he threw up in their car, OK? And Uber charges you a puke fee, right? Yeah. So the next day, by the way, it's a guy from back home. He doesn't tell me.

He doesn't tell me that he threw up. I think he took the Uber home, and he was fine, right? I called him the Uber because we were still staying out. Well, I get a charge of $100, and it says damage to vehicle. So I contact Uber. I said, damage to vehicle? Because I had taken an Uber later, and I was like, how? I took one to the airport.

What did I do to the car? This is a lot. That guy's a liar. Yeah. And he goes, yeah, well, there's throw up in the car, and it's a cleanup fee. It's a mandatory fee that we charge you automatically. And I said, I never threw up in the car.

Finally, it clicks. I call my buddy. I'm like, do you throw up in the car? He's like, yeah, dude, I'll Venmo you. And I was like, why wouldn't you tell me? And he was like, is that a game changer for you with that friendship? We're not friends anymore.

No, be real. We're not friends anymore. Because of that event? Yeah. Yeah. You threw up, and you didn't tell me? That's so lame. Why wouldn't you just be like, my bad?

I have no forgiveness. No, not today. It ruined my rating. I had such a- You've got to be real. See, no, be real. I was in the four nines. No, you can be real right now.

I swear to God, in my life, it's a real story. You're literally not friends with the people. We don't talk. Right. Don't throw up and not tell me that's so fucked up. Because what if I would? Why? It's not money, it's just like, that's not cool. So then I got a bad rating.

I contacted the driver, personally, through Uber, in the email, and I was like, hey, man, that was my friend. This isn't me. So please, can you change my rating? He's like, no, you can't change the rating once I already gave you a star. It doesn't matter. And then he wrote an email.

Don't let your friends use your Uber. That's what he said. I was being nice, and I gave someone a ride. Because they were like, oh, I don't have Uber on my phone. So I gave him a Uber. When a friend does something that's a little weird to me, like really weird. Like that?

No, it completely ruins the friendship. Like I went out to eat with a friend of mine, and I said, it's my treat. Right? Yeah. It's cool. And then he ate half a salad. What?

Yeah, he ate half of a salad, and he tells the waiter, he goes, don't charge him for that. It was terrible. No. Yeah. You ate it. You pay. Yeah, but I looked at him, and I went, dude, don't worry,

but I'm paying for it. He's like, no, no, no. Dude, you can't pay for that. He didn't mean to stink of it. And I just thought to myself, oh, we're done. Yeah. That's a cheap guy. I can't do it.

How much was the salad? 10 bucks? What could have been? Yeah, it was just the act of it. That's what I'm saying, like how cheap. I don't like it. Have you lost friends like that from a lot of other stuff? What else?

I'm trying to become friends with this guy again, right? Because I feel guilty about it. But he does one thing that really bothers me. What is it? Because we were kids. We grew up together, right? So he does this thing where he touches me and run away. What, like a child playing tag?

Yeah, and then I have to touch him and I run away, right? Well, you participate. I know, but it doesn't matter. If he touches me, right, and he runs away, and I don't chase after him, he will touch me again. Until you chase him. Until I chase him. So then eventually it'll get to a point where, oh, fuck.

It's always after dinner. When does it end? It just goes back and forth. And then in my mind, I got to win, right? So him and I just running around in a fucking park. I'm in my 40s running around in a park, like he's hiding behind a fucking dumpster. He climbs a fucking fence and I tag his shoe.

Then I run the other way and he chases me. It's a fucking nightmare. This sounds like you're just upset because you don't win. No, it's like I don't want to do this game anymore. But you do because you participate. So stop. Because he touches me first. So you do want to play the game.

I don't want to play. I just don't. I need the last touch. So don't touch me at all. So you do play the game. If he starts it, he starts at every fucking time. He starts the game every fucking time. But you just don't want to lose.

That's what it is. Once he touches me, the game is on, right? But if he didn't touch me, shaking hands is one thing. But that's not how he goes. He'll go and he'll run. He'll hit you a little bit. Yeah, like that, right? Like we're starting now, right?

How old is he? And I want to go, I'm on TV. I don't do that anymore. Yeah, you do. Yeah, but I still do. How old is he? Same age? Yeah, I grew up together.

Two guys almost 50 playing tag. Yeah, 50 playing tag. You know what, can I tell you something? Yeah. Something sweet about that. It's something gay about it, too. Why? Do you guys kiss at the end?

Is that how you know who wins? No, but do you understand how that would bother one? I guess, but I have friends that I grew up with that. You have that old game that you play. Yeah. I still, I have a photo I can show you that when we were in Costa Rica. Yeah, I hang out with old friends

and then they say something like, you know, remember Martin Coy? And you're like, what? And then when you were 12, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? Like somebody threw a rock on your shoulder and you cried. Yeah. But it's like an experience.

Yeah. It's like, yeah, I remember Martin Coy. Who gives a fuck? And they're like, wasn't that crazy? Yeah, it was crazy. It's like, yeah. 30 years ago. 30 years ago.

I don't give a fuck. I have a friend that I always hit in the nuts. We always hit each other in the nuts. Yeah, you hate it, right? I do, but I choke him, I always choke him, I really love it. I get behind him, I like to choke him from behind. Like if we're like walking to another bar or restaurant, I'll always sneak up behind him and I'll put him in a choke.

Do you like all that old shit though or no? It feels good when I can choke him. Cause you can't do that to other adults now. And that's only with friends that you grew up with. You can't do that to new friends. And I'll tell you something that kind of bothered me but I'm gonna do it. That remember that band that kicked me out?

Yeah. They're going back together. Laxton? Yeah. Laxton Supreme is making a fucking comeback? Yeah. Why don't we make a band and compete with them? No, they invited me back.

Can I go? But I'm thinking, are you using my notoriety to... No, they would never. Maybe not, huh? I do it. No, of course they're using your notoriety to your bozo head. I'll do it, huh? No.

Are they cool still? Yeah. Do you talk to any of them? Yeah. Have you been keeping up with all of them? No. No. But they texted me.

Why don't we form a band? Why don't you and I form a band? What kind of music though? The Bad Friends Band. Rudy, can you play anything? No. She can sing. I've seen you sing.

Will you sing a little something for us? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't. Here, here's, here, can I say something? Here's the deal. You either sing or you're off the show forever. Yeah. All right, so she was, she had to audition

for some sort of school, look at her. School play? School play. All right, so. Oh, Rudy, what was the play? Something rotten. Right, yeah. Oh!

So the whole family, it was like Christmas or something. The whole family was in the house. We're talking about, why are you laughing? Because it's embarrassing. It's not embarrassing. About 20 people, right? Okay. Somebody mentions, Jules, you have that audition coming up.

She's like, you know what I like now? What? And we're like, yeah, do it. Yeah. Sing the song. And then we all kind of gathered together on the couch. So mean. I know, and she walks in front of everybody.

She starts singing and then halfway during it, just her eyes bulged out. She's just committing to the song. Tears coming down her eyes, shaking. Jules, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Why are you crying, Jules? I don't know, I just cried. Wait, were you emotionally hurt or upset?

No, I don't. Are you upset now? No. What's the song? What is it? Luminers by, no. The band is the Luminers. Yeah, yeah, Luminers.

Yeah. You sing it now? Yeah, we sing it now. No. Yeah, you sing it now, you see. What's the song? What's the name of the song? Before and after.

How old do you sing it together? Yeah, we will. We sing it together? What's it called? Ophelia's the one that goes, uh, uh. Girlfriend. Dead Sea. Dead Sea.

Okay. Well, yeah, you have to sing that. Okay, well, how about we'll play the, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You do first, I do second. She does third verse. You ready? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Start from the top. Ready? I headed west, I was a man on the move. You're next. I thought you were using the whole thing. You're using the whole fucking thing. Oh, so it goes, I headed west, I was a man on the move. New York had lied to me.

No, sing it. Just sing it. Oh, I needed someone, needed someone I could trust. Is that the same thing? Yes. I don't gamble, but I do bet on awesome. Yeah, perfect. I headed west, I was the man on the move.

New York had lied to me, I needed the truth. Oh, I needed something, someone I could trust. I don't gamble, but if I did, I would bet on us. Like the Dead Sea told me I was dead, like the Dead Sea. You'll never sink when you are with me. Oh Lord. Yeah. Oh Lord, like the Dead Sea.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, I'm like the Dead Sea, the finest words you've ever said to me, honey, can't you see? I was born to be, be your Dead Sea. Wow! We're making a band! How hard is that? We're making a band!

Is that hard? That was so good. You about to cry again? No, but my throat is very tight. That's our band name, my throat is very tight. Yeah, yeah. Rudy, you're really good. Yeah, you wanna do the whole thing?

No. Please, it was so good. You told me you were good at running away. Domestic life, it never suited you like this, you case. I don't know the tone. You left with just the clothes on your back. You looked at this when you took them out. Yes, there are times we live for somebody else.

Your father died and you decide. I think she's out, I think she's out. Okay. I think she's out. Oh, then you're out of the band. Yeah. Cause we're trying our best here to make a band. But here's the thing, Rudy, Julie, is that you know,

you sang it in front of the house in front of, you know, 10 people, you're just saying it in front of, just now, how many people are listening? Hundreds of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of people. Yeah. What is, now can you do it in Christmas, do you think? This Christmas?

Yeah, I think so. You can? Which you did, it was so heartbreaking. It was, which you cried. Oh, when she, oh, I was gonna say, the song was beautiful. She had to be whisked away, you know how they do that? Yeah, they.

Come here, sweetie, and the girls whisk them away into a room. Yeah. And I'm like smoking, giggling. So mean. I was like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. You know what I mean? It should have been Steve Harvey at the Apollo

where they pulled a cane, you know, when she's, she's like, get your ass off stage. And they just pull her back. So we're forming a band, that's it. You guys comment below on what you want the band to be called, because we're starting a band, the Bad Friends Band. You're not going back to Laksden.

We're starting a new band. Have you watched the Comedy Central documentary about the comedy store? Showtime documentary about the comedy store. Yeah, I have. Is it good? Yeah, yeah, it's pretty powerful. They did some great stuff.

I smoked a, smoke, smoke. I spoke to Mike Binder today about it, who created it, literally. What do you say? I mean, you know, it was just, we kind of went into the depths of like, it was wild about how Sam Kinnison really died. For young people that don't know who Sam Kinnison was,

or you do, if you're a comedy fan. If they don't, it's a sham. Well, look, no, no, no. I shouldn't say young. Some people don't know. Some people are older and don't know who he was, but Kinnison had died. I heard two different versions of the story,

and I told Mike this today. I said, you know, I had heard two versions of the story that Kinnison had gotten clean and was going to the gig in Laughlin, Nevada. And spoiler alert, he dies. He got hit, he tried to pass a truck, and an 18-wheeler, and he got smoked head-on, and he died and his wife lived.

Carl LeBow is there. Okay, so Carl LeBow tells the story in the documentary, which I highly recommend, and I'm not blowing anything, because it's known that Kinnison died with Carl. But Carl's perspective was interesting, because he told kind of the opposite, which was, no, he was still getting fucked up.

He was still using Coke heavily, still drinking, still being irresponsible. And Carl LeBow tells the moment that Kinnison died in his arms. And I gotta tell you, it's on the documentary, I highly suggest watching it. It's extremely powerful, because it's simple. He's telling it, you can tell he's not

hyperboleizing the story. There's no lies. You can tell he's saying it like, literally, what happened? He was looking away from him. He said his eyes looked like they were at the sky, and it kept saying, you're gonna be okay, buddy. You're not gonna die, because he kept saying, I don't wanna die right now.

And he said, what are you talking, you're not gonna die. And he goes, I realized he wasn't talking to me. He was looking straight up in the sky. Oh my God. And he was talking to somebody else. Oh my God. And he reiterated the way he says it, and he said, when he snapped back into reality,

he could hear cars and ambulances and his wife crying. And he said, it took a lot for me to forgive him, but the thing I never knew, what Carl LeBow told us was, yes, he was still getting fucked up. He wasn't sober. He hadn't reached that point, which was a lie publicly. People thought he was.

And also, Carl LeBow's daughter? Yeah, that's the most Shakespearean. Well, can I finish it for the fans? Yeah, but I just wanna, can I just throw on my? Yeah, but let it. It's Shakespearean? Let this go real quick. Carl LeBow's daughter turned out not to be his daughter.

It was Sam Kinnissens. His best friend was sleeping with his wife on drugs. She got pregnant, had the kid. They never were able to talk about it. So imagine, imagine your friend, imagine I knock up Kalilah. I would know. How?

The baby comes out all red-headed and freaky looking. Oh, you don't think you could have a red-headed baby? Yeah, it's gonna have fucking bushy eyebrows and anything. Imagine a red-headed. It's gonna cry like that. Imagine a red-headed Filipino kid. How bad would he get beat up? If I sell red hair on that baby, I might go to prison.

Why, for killing the baby? I might throw it across the street. Yeah, but they're resilient. They can bounce. Red-headed babies can bounce. You think we have been thrown out of windows before? It would be devastating. I'm gonna tell you this right now.

If I had a baby and it came out a little with a little red head and I asked Kalilah, is that Anders' baby? And she said, yeah, right? You, I would literally probably make me kill you. Why? It would be great for the show. All right. The numbers are good.

The numbers are good. No, because Carl, see, Carl, you know, when I came to the comedy store, him and I became instant friends. Yeah, I've heard he's a good dude. Yeah, in fact, he used to like, at the time he was dating this, an ex-waitress from the comedy store.

And they would invite me to his house. I was like kind of like an open micro almost. Yeah, like today. They would make food, right? And then when I made some money, I helped it get his teeth fixed. Oh, really? Yeah.

What, because he had messed up teeth? One day he was talking and it smelled like shit. And I said, So mean. It just smelled like pure dog shit. That's so mean, Bob. It didn't smell good. He had rotting teeth?

Yeah. And I go, oh man, what the fuck? Is that shit? Did you eat shit for lunch? Yeah, yeah. And he goes, no man, I just have this hole and it hurts so bad. And he goes, I, you know,

I asked Roseanne for some money and she wouldn't give me any for my teeth. She's like a hundred million dollars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I go, how much is it? And he's like 2,500 bucks or something. And he paid me back, but I gave him the money. That's amazing.

Because I love him so much. Well, that's so nice to do that. He's one of my idols. Yeah. In fact, you know, Sabrina, one of Sam Kinnison's- His wife. Yeah, right.

She, one day, this actually happened. Cause she knows I was a big Sam Kinnison fan. And she goes, she comes to me and I was like, I think I just got on mad TV or something. And she goes, she gives me a plastic bag and I open it up. And it's just a gigantic, stinky shirt with a cut down here like this open.

I go, what is it? She's like, this is the Sam's favorite shirt that he used to perform in. I never watched it. And I headed on today. I found it today. You need to frame that. I found it today, right?

And I tried it on, looked in the mirror. It's so big on me, right? And I, yeah, but it's ironic, coincidental that you brought that up. Yeah, that you wore a Kinnison shirt today. Yeah. Bobby, I'm being genuine when I say this. I'll buy you a frame, but you must frame that.

I'm not gonna frame it. Because that's the thing that'll just get lost on accident. You're right. That's like, that's, it's not like the rooster. Those can go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Like that's the thing that I like.

George Carlin gave me that. He's dead. You get another one. No, it's really special. But people should watch the Showtime documentary. It's about the comedy star if you care. I know people sometimes are like, we've already heard about it.

It's like, look, this is beautiful insight. And it's Leno, Letterman, Jim Carrey, Burr. But Paulie yelled at me because apparently he said that I said in the documentary that the green moon smelled like his mom's pussy. Did it? I don't know, but I don't remember.

Did I say that on the documentary? I don't think, I don't remember that. That's what he told me that I said. And he yelled at me. I don't remember that, dude. Was I in it? You are in it. Okay.

Yeah. They said resident noodle. That's where the tags are. All right, that's enough. Stop it. That's crazy. Thank you for being a bad friend. Woo.

Yeah. Woo. Yeah.