Bad Friends - We Bring Down the King

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey everyone from Texas, Houston specifically. I need you to buy tickets for my show on March 28th and 29th of this year. Go to HoustonImprov.com, buy the tickets or I'm gonna hurt myself. I'm gonna hurt myself. I might die. You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? Woo.

Starting point is 00:00:36 White dude and Asian dude. Woo. You two are disgusting. Woo. Oh, you two are something. We're bad friends. Apparently you guys were talking a lot of shit when I wasn't here. That's what I heard. You don't know yourself? I heard you guys talking a lot of.

Starting point is 00:00:48 Well, I wasn't here. Not even here to defend myself. You guys are talking. It's interesting. Because when people talk behind your back to me, I always defend you. Yeah. I say he's not here to defend himself. Don't say that stuff about him.

Starting point is 00:00:59 It's so funny because when I look in the mirror, I look at my character defects as well. I look at the mirror, I look at my character defects as well. So I know what my problems are. You don't know what your problems are? I know what your problems are for sure. I know what yours are. But whenever people talk about you and I hear it

Starting point is 00:01:21 and I catch wind of it, I grab it. Yeah. I know where you of it. I grab it. Yeah. I know where you store it, in your heart. And I said, you talk about my dog, dude? And they go, oh, so sorry, man. And I defend, I shh. I never talked about your dog. I mean, your wife, I don't, no, I'm kidding.

Starting point is 00:01:39 That's crazy. Is that your bit? That was crazy. Is that your bit? I'm sorry, I got defensive and I apologize. It's okay. She's beautiful and I love her as a human. Well, it's whatever you want to do today, man.

Starting point is 00:01:50 I heard that you had so much fun without me, you don't want me on the show anymore. Are you reminded? That's what I heard. I turned down a pod with so-and-so. He got mad, by the way. Why? He came up to me, the first thing I was like,

Starting point is 00:02:02 hey buddy, you don't want to pod with me? And I go, oh no, Andrew's not there, it's weird. You know what I mean? Didn't you deal with DeStefano? Called the cop. I know, but it's like, I've never, we don't have that kind of, and he was mad. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:02:17 But I love him. Doesn't seem like it. Seemed like you would have done the pod with him if you loved him so much. You know, most people, they'll go to the Salvation Army, right, to get their t-shirts. Not this guy.

Starting point is 00:02:30 Kith. You don't know what Kith is, man. I've been to the Kith, yeah. I've been to the Kith with you in New York. Oh, I did, I brought you along, that's right. Yeah, well, I wanna say something. You're coming at me today. No, I'm not coming at you, dude.

Starting point is 00:02:43 You're coming at yourself. My Kith shirt? Yeah, you're coming at yourself, dude, and that's the sad part.- You're coming at me today. No, I'm not coming at you, dude. You're coming at yourself. My kith, sure. Yeah, you're coming at yourself, dude. And that's the sad part. How am I coming at myself? You were like, well, you guys were talking about me. No, no, I heard the grapevine. You guys were talking.

Starting point is 00:02:52 No. We can bring up the clips. We have them. Dude. Bring them up. Oh, the chair. Why do you have that? That's Andrew C.

Starting point is 00:03:00 Oh, really? Oh, yeah, yeah. It sucks. Oh, it sucks. Push pause. No, no, no. I already know what to say after that. I hope so. You just did the episode. Yeah, you did Oh, yeah, yeah. It sucks. Oh, just push pause? No, no, no. I already know what to say after that. I hope so.

Starting point is 00:03:08 You just did the episode. Yeah, you did a bit about, I did a bit about your little back. Let me see. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's what Andrew likes. Anyway, you click, click, click. Opens up his butt. Okay.

Starting point is 00:03:17 I know, he has back aches. Oh my God. He has a spinal disc. What a gay little boy. He has a gay disc. He has a little gay disc in his back. He has a gay disc. They're dismantled. What a crybaby, huh?

Starting point is 00:03:31 Interesting interesting. Yeah, yeah How do you hit his head on the toilet Interesting it's interesting but also clever interesting interesting interesting interesting Wow, wow, wow, wow. It was a nerd's thing. Ooh, this is so good. Wait, what's mine? Interesting. Interesting. It's interesting, but also clever. Interesting, interesting. Interesting, interesting. That was funny. I mean, it didn't make me laugh at all,

Starting point is 00:03:51 but it was very funny. All right, let's. All right, let's get it out. Let's get it out in the open. I just said it. Yeah, yeah. So what I want to say is, you've never talked about me? Never.

Starting point is 00:04:06 Do you have, is it, first of all, no, and if I did, is it on tape? No, but I've heard people say that you talk about me. Yeah, what do I say? I don't remember, I really recall. I feel like you'd remember. I think you're right, I think you made it up. Yeah, oh, my bad, I got caught in another lie.

Starting point is 00:04:20 No, that's okay. I don't know what was with me that day, but- You were grooving. No, I wasn't grooving, I was out of bounds, and out of. I don't know what was with me that day, but. You were grooving. No, I wasn't grooving. I was out of bounds and out of pocket. And you know, because you're such a big star. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:04:31 Pfft. Right? I love when Carlos laughs at me because he gets my comedy. Somebody gets your comedy. I'm gonna have to. Oh my God, all right, here we go. Okay, here we go.

Starting point is 00:04:41 Yeah. Let's not do this right now, dude. You know? I wanna say to you this. Let's not do this right now, dude. I wanna say to you this. Because I heard you absolutely destroyed in Phoenix. Shut up, dude. Just rock the roof off. I have to say, Saturday Night Second Show was one of my best performances.

Starting point is 00:05:01 Wow. But I also wanna say this, okay, that you have no idea how I feel about you. Okay, dude, let's move on. No, no, I'm not, no, oh, when it's positive, you want to move on? I'm over it. No, no, I'm not over it. All right? I love you like your family. And with my family, you kind of do little dig digs, right? On the side. Yeah, yeah, like you don't visit when you go to their town. Yeah. that was a big point of contention Two things one. Yeah, I did say to Carlos I made him do Simon Says before the show because I think he was stoned and I asked him and he's trying to tell me

Starting point is 00:05:34 He's not but I looked into his eyes you look into his eyes Carlos it would be better if you were honest Last night weed It would be better if you were honest. I didn't smoke weed today. I smoked last night. Last night. Weed. Of course, yeah. Yeah, so now we know now you're fully gone, relapsed. That's called California sober.

Starting point is 00:05:54 No, that's not a real thing. You can call it. But people say that all over the internet. But it's not real. That's like a fake. I do meth, but I'm Colorado sober. That's Colorado sober. It's the same thing. It doesn't make any sense. No, this is like one in the lexicon. It was like a fake. I do meth, but I'm Colorado sober. It's Colorado sober. It's the same thing.

Starting point is 00:06:06 It doesn't make any sense. No, this is like one in the lexicon. It was in white Lotus, I think. Yeah, yeah. But it doesn't mean you should do it. I thought you were clean, clean, clean. I thought we were all out. When I saw him in the alleyway in Australia,

Starting point is 00:06:19 he had a glaze over his eyes. I don't know what he was on. What were you on in Australia in the alley? Marijuana. That's it? And you lied to me. Yes. You lied to me. No,'t know what he was on. What were you on in Australia, in the alley? Marijuana. That's it? And you lied to me. Yes. You lied to me.

Starting point is 00:06:28 No, you know what I did? You lied to me. No, I got you on a technicality. I went into the hotel and I said, Bobby, I'm not drinking. Why, what do you mean? Because I need something on this earth. Bobby doesn't need anything.

Starting point is 00:06:39 He should have something though. No, he has lots of things. I do agree. I should have something. You have sugar-free Red Bull and cigarettes. Yeah, but sometimes I want more to drown my sorrows. What do you want? I mean, sometimes I would love to smoke weed,

Starting point is 00:06:52 you know what I mean, to zone out. But you don't need to. I don't need to, and I've been three years, I haven't. So that's great. Yeah. Why would we crack it now? Because my fear though is, is that once that door is open,

Starting point is 00:07:03 I do all the other stuff and I can't have that. So I just decide to do all, I mean. Yeah, because what he's saying also can happen to you. You may decide, so what dude? I'm gonna be San Bernardino sober and just have one pill. Yeah, you do pills still. You do do pills. That's such a projection to me.

Starting point is 00:07:22 You don't. I brought only Xanax and Lexapro, which. Those are pills. Those are called pills, dude. But you get them at Walgreens. I know, but they can prescribe any. I do math, but I only smoke it. Right.

Starting point is 00:07:35 That's what it sounds like. It's not cartel stuff, so it's good. All right, well, whatever. I'm just looking out for your wellbeing. Yeah. I'd rather you be clean as a whistle, clear headed. I know, but I'm just- Sober Carlos.

Starting point is 00:07:48 My history with Carlos is this. When I first met him, he was full blown in Alcoholics Anonymous. It was great. And anyone that's in AA, right? People aren't, because they had like, you know what I mean, an accident, it takes a lot of pain and suffering to drive you into a 12 step group.

Starting point is 00:08:06 Yeah. And to be committed to it, right? So that's, you know your history with it, right? You know that you're an alcoholic and drug addict. Do you? Yeah. Okay. You have other addictions too, like sex. But you have labs too. That's, that's not a pointing, it's not a, it's not a pointing thing. I'm not arguing with you. This is not like a tit for tat. But Bobby's being like, oh, I'm Mr. Sober and I know everything, but he's also-

Starting point is 00:08:29 That's not true. He's not being, I know everything, Mr. Sober. He's just saying to get back on the right track and stay clean. Have I done any drugs or alcohol since I got sober three years ago? No, but you've literally done them with me. Okay.

Starting point is 00:08:44 Okay. You see what he's doing? That's the drug addiction Jedi shit. Yeah, you are Jedi shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're angling. You're angling. You're trapping and angling. You're leading into a corner, you're trapped.

Starting point is 00:08:54 You're a rat trapped in a corner. You're a rat trap. Yeah, you're a rat trapped. I don't think rats should get in trouble for having a little bit of cheese. A rat as fat as you doesn't need any more cheese. Exactly. You're not taking the prosciutto.

Starting point is 00:09:06 Anyway. Let's move on. Let's move on. Yeah, yeah, but- Had a great time in the city of Minnesota. So Andrew did his special, he did four shows. I did. To cut it together.

Starting point is 00:09:16 It's gonna be a wonderful piece of artwork. Well, I hope so. It was a little bit of a challenge at the beginning, finding everything the way that I wanted to find it. And also, boy oh boy, was I upset at my team. Shane Gillis was in town, Kevin Hart was in town. I was like, what the fuck? Oh, I saw a photo with you and Shane.

Starting point is 00:09:36 Gillie played the Target Center where the Minnesota Timberwolves play. And Kevin played a big theater, like he did like four, five theaters or something, all in Minneapolis that weekend. But did you, were you shows full? No, yeah, they sold out, but I'm just- What's the problem?

Starting point is 00:09:53 No, no, no, no, I'm just saying, thank God Shane sells out same day. Because imagine if Shane was playing big theaters and he wasn't an act that could sell out an arena same day, then we would, we definitely share some audience. Do you know what I mean? Right, right. that could sell out an arena same day, then we definitely share some audience. Do you know what I mean? Like Kevin and I, definitely no crossover. We joked, we were like, Kevin was, Shane goes,

Starting point is 00:10:13 I guess you and I had to split all the whites in town. I was like, yeah, Kevin was. There's no competition. But I mean, thank God Shane's so famous. He sold out the Target Center the same day. Wow. That's how famous he is. Like I'm lucky we got around to it,

Starting point is 00:10:25 but I think it's a bummer because ticket prices are so stupid now and we can't control them anymore. It sucks. The promoters, Ticketmaster, the venues, it's disgusting what they do now. And people can't go to both. People couldn't see me on Friday and see Shane on Saturday. There's no way they could afford that.

Starting point is 00:10:41 I think it fucking sucks. So I wish they communicated to go, hey, this guy's in town shooting. Can we reserve this weekend if we could? Skip it or come back to it. You're complaining about something that didn't happen though. No, no, no, I do think it affected the way

Starting point is 00:10:56 that I moved at the end, moved tickets at the end. Oh, I see. Do you know what I mean? Like it definitely changed because people- The first time I played the Philadelphia Helium. Yeah, I love that club. I showed up at the club. I'm. Do you know what I mean? Like it definitely changed because people- The first time I played the Philadelphia Helium. Yeah, I love that club. I showed up at the club. I'm not kidding you, it's not an exaggeration.

Starting point is 00:11:10 I showed up at the first show on a Friday night. There was seven people. Oh my God. Right? And I kind of looked around and go, oh, I guess I'm not big here, right? They're like, oh no, it's just literally right across the street, Chappelle's there.

Starting point is 00:11:26 And I go, oh, I got booked, right? And then the second show was full, and half the audience was like, oh, we saw the Chappelle show earlier, we came to both. That's pretty rad. Still, the first show, I was gonna kill myself. Oh yeah. When you can't, I mean-

Starting point is 00:11:41 I understand what you're saying. Well, when you're fighting, when you're fighting upstream, because people can't see both and he takes a lot. I mean, he's so famous. Shane's the best. He's the biggest. So it's, you know, you can't fight that. But anyway, there's a good weekend in Minneapolis.

Starting point is 00:11:54 I love Minneapolis, although I was scared to come home once again. Because of the flights. Bro. I had turbulence last night. But it's getting out of control. It is. Today.

Starting point is 00:12:03 How many, another cash? No, no, no, dude, a Southwest plane almost hit a private jet today. Today. Today. Oh my God. Look at this near miss. It's landing or taken off.

Starting point is 00:12:16 It's landing and, is that it? The jet's right there. Yeah, the jet's right there. Look at that, it's landing and the jet is coming. And so he took off again. Oh my god Is it the what do we call the people in the tower the FA? Well, no the control tower the control tower control tower tower people to show our people. Yeah. Yeah Is it their fault? What is going on here? I don't know man. Something's going on though

Starting point is 00:12:41 Like do you not believe that could have been been a disaster, dude. Yeah, everybody dead. Everyone dead. How is this not? Yeah, they gotta work it out. Do we think something's going on? Can we make up a conspiracy, please? Did they fire all of the FAA people? Okay, I have a conspiracy.

Starting point is 00:12:54 Is that real? No. I have a conspiracy. And I think it's connected. I heard it. So hear me out, guys. I heard your joke. And I'm sorry they didn't laugh.

Starting point is 00:13:04 It's okay. They didn't like it. Just please, guys. I heard your joke. And I'm sorry, that didn't laugh. It's okay. I didn't like it. Just please, okay. Your resentment right now is so evident, so it's like. You're gaslighting me, dude. You're trying to get me resentful. Look, we know you're not high now. Andrew, was I gaslighting?

Starting point is 00:13:18 No, there was no lighting there. Thank you, there was no lighting from Andrew. My mistake, I thought I saw a little light. Yeah, there's no light. And if you saw it when it was dim. Sodi! Sodi, sit down you dumb dumb. No, you're not a dumb dumb dude.

Starting point is 00:13:31 Yeah, he's one of the dumbest dudes. He's one of the dumbest dudes on Earth. You really think that? Yeah. He's one of the smartest dudes in common. No, no, you're right. All right, let me finish this point and then we'll get to you, Dan Soder.

Starting point is 00:13:45 Yeah, dude. Love you. I love you too. The last time we did a gig together, you weren't that nice to me. Bullshit, that is 100% in your head. But there's no real this. Well yeah, because it was two gigs we hung out with.

Starting point is 00:13:56 I know. Where was it? On the Pert Tour. On the Pert Tour. So it's chaos, you're just in the middle of chaos. Yeah, but I tried to start conversations. There's no dick locking. No, no, no.

Starting point is 00:14:05 I want to dick lock with you. First off, I'll dock with you all day. He will. I'll go get foreskin put on my penis in order to dock you. Wow. I'll do whatever the reverse- You know what, I believe you. Whatever the reverse-

Starting point is 00:14:14 Let me finish my theory here, Dan, and we'll get to you. Okay. All right? Anyway- This is good, you're gonna wanna hear this. Yeah, so I think the reason why there's a connection between the flights, you know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:14:26 Getting in these accidents. All the flight crash. And the drones that we saw a month ago. Oh, the Chinese drones? Yeah, wasn't there a lot of drones a couple of months ago? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Around, right? New Jersey, right?

Starting point is 00:14:37 New Jersey, it was in California as well. It was everywhere. Really? Yeah. Could there be a link there, you think? Something in alien airspace, something UFO airspace? What could it be? Are you thinking like the drones are causing the accidents?

Starting point is 00:14:52 Maybe there's a connection, is all I'm saying. I like that. You're saying it like a CIA guy. Where you go, there could be a connection. I'm not saying affirmative, I'm not saying negative. Do you ever see Zero Dark Thirty, brother? Oh yeah. Have you seen Zero Dark Thirty?

Starting point is 00:15:04 Yeah. I haven't. You haven't? No. There's another documentary called Man Hunt. I'm not saying negative. Do you ever see Zero Dark Thirty, brother? Oh yeah. Have you seen Zero Dark Thirty? Yeah. I haven't. You haven't? No. There's another documentary called Man Hunt. Yeah. Okay.

Starting point is 00:15:11 Well guess who caught, who did they track? Let me ask you, who did they track to get to Osama bin Laden? Exactly. Right? The courier. The mail delivery guy? No, he used one guy for information.

Starting point is 00:15:27 So there was one guy that would drive to his. Abu Ahmed Al-Khawater. Abu Ahmed Al-Khawater. Yeah. Right, that dude, right? Is that Amir Kay? It is Amir. And now he's doing stand-up.

Starting point is 00:15:38 And he's very successful. You know what I mean? What a second act. Yeah. Right, right, right. Just being a hilarious stand-up comic. Yeah. You know he's the courier for us.

Starting point is 00:15:50 I'm a bit hot. In a movie I would cast Michael Pena, I think. 100% looks like Michael Pena. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. And not Amir Okay. No, it'd be Michael Pena. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, so I think that, so in the,

Starting point is 00:16:01 one lady in the CIA was like, I think we should track the carrier. And everyone was like, no, no, no, no, no, right? But that ended up being the truth. And she didn't even really know what the connection was, but she followed a gun instinct. I think that's what I'm doing with the fucking drones. So your instinct is that the drones

Starting point is 00:16:18 are making the planes crash. I don't know exactly the connection between them, but there's a gun instinct there. You just feel like it is. You go, I feel like these is. I feel like these two. I feel like it is. Yeah. What's your theory, Soder?

Starting point is 00:16:29 I don't know. These plane crashes are crazy how many are happening. There was also an avoided one. Did you guys see the one? We just talked about that. We just talked about that just now. Yeah. Whenever something like this happens,

Starting point is 00:16:38 I immediately empathize with the other plane. Just like remember when the bridge in Baltimore, where the boat drove into the bridge? Oh yeah, dude. Just this moment of like laps. I don't know anything about it. Please explain to me that catastrophe. There was a boat that like,

Starting point is 00:16:52 it was like one of those short stack boats, almost like you could bring it up. I want the clinical version of the boat because I don't get short stack. I don't even know what that means. I made that up. Oh that. See, it's like a freighter boat.

Starting point is 00:17:03 Freighter boat ran into a bridge. Dark Knight, they had those in Dark Knight. A Dark Knight boat. Dark Knight boat. I call it a Dark Knight boat. In the biz we call it a Dark Knight. Because remember in the first Batman movie, wasn't there like a thing where he first goes,

Starting point is 00:17:16 I'm Batman, which is a dead on impression. Yeah, it was perfect. Yeah, thank you. Really good. I thought Christian Bale was in the room. These are called container ships? Container ships. But doesn't that sound more made up than short stack? I know, it was perfect. Yeah, thank you. Really good. I thought Christian Bale was in the room. So thank you. These are called container ships? Container ships. But doesn't that sound more made up than short stack? I know, it sounds like bullshit.

Starting point is 00:17:29 Mine was completely made up. Short stack sounds great. That's short stack. I call Brad Williams short stack. All right, so that's my nickname for him, but my point is, is that, so what happened here? So this like, this boat went into the bridge and you see it at night, it like shuts the lights off

Starting point is 00:17:45 and it fucks shit up. What do you people on the road? I don't know. I don't know if anyone died in that. No, people did die. A few people did die. Yeah? Yeah, the cars, yeah, a few people were on.

Starting point is 00:17:54 No one on the boat died and all the containers were safe by the way. But everyone likes to go like, oh, terrorists. This was a terrorist attack or whatever. But just like the small jet that almost got hit this time, just like a guy being an idiot. Fucking a real, being like, fuck, fuck, fuck, dude, is that, is that fucking plane about to take off? It's like coming down and you're like, it's a fuck,

Starting point is 00:18:13 and someone's just yelling your name in your ear going like, Bobby, Bobby. And I've said that when I was entering a woman's vagina. Yeah, that's a fuck fuck. Yeah. No, but no, in a panic like that, like I shouldn't be doing it. Oh. Right? You know, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Ah. And then somebody dies. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:18:31 Have you ever had sex with somebody you didn't want to have sex with? I don't know how to answer that. By yes or no. Do you mean like, just like I thought, like I wasn't physically attracted to? Or that I didn't want? No, but you just knew that there were little cray cray. You know, sometimes you see some little cray cray,

Starting point is 00:18:45 you're like, what's gonna happen once I enter this? That's my early 20s, brother. Yeah, man. Yeah, yeah. I don't know if you've ever been to Tucson, Arizona. Yeah, yeah. But brother, I was living it. Tell me about it, brother. Did you have any double XL?

Starting point is 00:18:58 Did you ever go down that road? Anybody heavy? Yeah, I like how larger, lady. I mean, double XL. Oh, no, like vastly outweighing me? Yeah. So I have a weight. If you're a big dude.

Starting point is 00:19:08 And I'm not lying, I had sex with one time, many, many years ago, with a 400 pound woman. That is, I don't think that's physically possible. And it happened in Phoenix, 20 years ago. Did they have to lower you? My brother hooked it up. Did they have to lower you down into her? Steve hooked it.

Starting point is 00:19:22 I don't know if it's a hookup. Yeah, it's a hookdown. It's a hookup. Yeah, it's a hookdown. It's a hookdown. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah, but- She goes, it was like a medical procedure. She goes, I'm gonna lay on my back. Then you're gonna enter me.

Starting point is 00:19:33 And I did it though. How was it? Like a soldier. Yeah, you went through with it. Yeah, because sometimes you're numb, right? You're in Hamburger Hill. Mm. Yeah. You get it, right? You're going through it.

Starting point is 00:19:46 Right, and your sergeant goes, we gotta fucking take over this hill. And you're up first. Yeah, and you don't want to, but you end up up there anyway, and you get friends slaughtered and whatnot, but you're still fighting for your life. Black Hawk Down.

Starting point is 00:19:59 Black Hawk Down. Say it so Asian. Black Hawk Down. Yeah. Black Hawk Down. Black Hawk Down. You know, I recently saw the Netflix documentary on it. Yeah, and I rewatched the movie Are you getting like third-hand PTSD from these movies? Yeah, you're coming back so anyway, um oh yeah, so I that's what I did with this lady. How was it? 400s had pretty big. I mean you did have sex with a waterbed.

Starting point is 00:20:25 Yeah. Yeah. Well, see the thing is at that time, it was pre-Mad TV. Oh, before you got on. Yeah, so before I got on. Let me tell you right now. She liked you for who you really were.

Starting point is 00:20:35 Through a- Yeah, well she saw me MC the improv in Tempe. She's eating a bucket of chicken, a nice Saturday night special, and then Mad TV comes on and she goes, oh, my little lover, my little, my little spelunker. But here's the sad part of the story, and I feel so bad about it, and I think about it all the time, and I feel so bad about it.

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Starting point is 00:25:19 And I've never shared it on group level. I don't even know if I should. But I'm going gonna do it anyway, right? So years later, when I got on Mad, this and that, I redid the room, I think as I was featuring for someone big, you know what I mean? And I don't know why, but I was walking, you know when they bring you up,

Starting point is 00:25:38 I was walking toward the stage, somebody grabbed my jacket or my shirt, long-sheet shirt, and I look over and it's her no I just see this fat hand on How strong was that you know what how strong it was so red was like a gorilla grabbed you or walrus? Where you go it was a walrus flipper you know an animal trainers realize that it's out of control Yeah, dude, like Bobby gave one of those where he goes give it back. Okay. Okay. We're not playing anymore. No, Kiko stop Kiko stop. Kiko stop. He's like, He's like,

Starting point is 00:26:07 He's like, No, it was more like a leper grabbing you back in the day. Oh, you were like, Get away from me. I did this, I went, I pulled it away like that. Yeah. And then after my set, I ran down, out,

Starting point is 00:26:19 so she couldn't grab me. Damn. And I stayed in the green room, so I wouldn't run into, I feel so bad about it. She was clawing at the door. Yeah. And I stayed in the green room so I wouldn't run into, I feel so bad about it. She was clawing at the door. Yeah. And you hear it like a dog on a, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, f I walk around at 215. Do you really? I would like to be 210. What are you, six, three? Yeah. Yeah. That's good.

Starting point is 00:26:46 Yeah, but nothing extreme. Yeah. You've never, have you ever been like embarrassed, when you step on the scale, have you ever been like, jeez, Stan? Yeah. What was the jeezestan? 240. Whoa!

Starting point is 00:26:59 And it was just like after a breakup and it was just sweet season. I had just quit drinking. Yeah. I'd quit drinking like a couple years before and then he was just like eating everything. Sweet seasons. Do you never had a sweet season when you quit doing drugs and alcohol?

Starting point is 00:27:12 You're not really a sweets guy. You like, what is it? Savory over sweet, right? That's interesting that you say that because you're absolutely wrong. Really? I don't know you'd eat a lot of sweets. Whenever we get dessert.

Starting point is 00:27:23 I hide it. You do secret sweetie pie? Yeah, yeah I do. I have a drawer in my bedroom with um gummy colas. Great. Right? I've never seen you be a sweets boy. And then I have bags of these like candies with like salt in it in the middle of it. Oh, so it's sweet and savory. Yeah, yeah, right. You know what? Mexican like when they use the mango and they put that stuff, what's it called? What are you talking about, baby? Bobby's.

Starting point is 00:27:51 Oh, oh, oh, you're talking about. Tajin. Tajin. Are you? Yes, that's a tijin in the middle. Yeah, so it's got a little. Spice, a little bit of spice. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:27:59 You know what's funny, dude, because whenever we go eat, you like the savory stuff, and then when we get dessert, you'll take a bite. But you're not like a. You know the reason why I take a bite? I have bites at home. Yeah you do.

Starting point is 00:28:10 In the hotel room. You're god damn right. How do you fucking know? Are you a secret sweetie? I'm out in the open with it. Brother, I live it, it's Easter season. So I'm in knee deep in the shit. They're doing jelly beans.

Starting point is 00:28:21 I just picked up two bags of jelly beans, didn't even mean to. What? Wow. Because you got Jolly Rancher, it's Easter season, so everyone's doing their, like, their jelly bean. I got Jolly Rancher and Airhead jelly beans. Wow.

Starting point is 00:28:33 I'm a savory guy, dude. Late night, I want to food food. Yeah, because you drink. You're getting all your sugar through the booze. When you cut it, that's when you want that. That's what it is. Yeah. I didn't give a shit about sweets when I drank.

Starting point is 00:28:46 I mean, I still like having a little bit of sweet tooth thing. When we go out to eat, I always have a little bit of dessert. Took down a mini bag of Cadbury eggs. Bad boy, dude. Just fucking landed and thought, why not? I wanna say something to you.

Starting point is 00:29:01 I've always thought this and I don't wanna be rude. Oh man. And I don't wanna cause any friction. I think it's gonna do both. No, I don't think so. I think I'm being very mindful about it. But it's an observation I've had over the years. I've been brave enough to tell you. But you're one of those comics,

Starting point is 00:29:19 like if you didn't do comedy, I just don't know. Oh, what I do? Yeah, yeah, you know what you, I have a prediction of what you would have been doing. Yeah. I know. Yeah, so you know that you go to SoHo and they have those boutique shops? It's always some sort of arbitrary name,

Starting point is 00:29:34 like FZZNY, you know what I mean? I love FZZNY. Yeah, yeah. They got some good shit. So let's go into Vizzini or whatever, right? Vizzini. And then you go in there and there's like this guy, he looks like a John Wick villain.

Starting point is 00:29:46 He's got a black overcoat. Oh yeah. Right? And just like tattoos on the neck. Eyeliner. Yeah, eyeliner. A lot of jewelry. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:29:54 And I don't know how much they make, probably not good. Who cares? Who cares? That's what you'd be doing. I can't think of something that is more opposite of who I am as a human being. No, I'm saying you won't like it. I have never seen just an insane miss like that.

Starting point is 00:30:07 That is, you have zero working knowledge of me as a human being. I know. If you think I'm anywhere close, I have dressed the same like I'm moving since I was 12 years old. Yeah. I've always dressed- You don't understand

Starting point is 00:30:21 I don't understand- What I'm saying to you, Dan! He's a labor- I would never wear rings. I can't wear a watch. No, he's a labor. I have thin wrists. This is information I was not privy to. Well, guess what, brother? Before you diagnose, take a look at the x-ray.

Starting point is 00:30:34 Cause I'm sitting right here. I'm a kind of doctor where I don't look at the x-ray. And I diagnose. You come and you go, I'm a diagnoser. You go, it's cancer. And they go, is it? And you go, could be though.

Starting point is 00:30:43 Yeah, yeah, could be. Always could be. Dr. Lee, this is a dentist office. He's got stomach cancer, it's cancer. And they go, is it? And you go, could be though. Yeah, yeah, could be. Always could be. Dr. Lee, this is a dentist office. He's got stomach cancer, I can tell. Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Soder, I think would be- Thank you, here we go.

Starting point is 00:30:52 You'd be a laborer of some kind. I could see you- I would be getting in trouble for being funny. Correct, on a site, on a job site. Somewhere where I'd have to be somewhat serious, I would be getting in trouble for trying to be funny. I could see you getting tied up with Ringling Brothers and you assembling part of the tents

Starting point is 00:31:07 and also announcing stuff. I honestly, that's way close. You put me on the mic for the fucking flying Giuseppes or whoever, whoever's in sequence going flips in the air. And I get to build a tent. Yeah, he killed it. And then I make a mistake and then a couple of families. And then it's back to the railroads.

Starting point is 00:31:24 Yeah. You know, you're, you're, you're, you know. If I got my four roses, you know, my little flask of whiskey and my traveling jacket. Fuck. Dude. I have another observation. Okay.

Starting point is 00:31:36 I'm so sorry. He goes, you and your dad are best friends. That was very good. That's very good what you said. I know Soty. He also seems like this guy, right? Where you meet a girl. Yeah. A beautiful girl, right? Yeah. And you go, hey, you want to go out thereodi. He also seems like this guy, right? Where you meet a girl, a beautiful girl, right? And you go, hey, you wanna go out there?

Starting point is 00:31:48 She goes, I have a boyfriend, right? And then when you actually meet, it's like him? Yeah. And I'm like, what the fuck you dating this guy for? That's okay. Am I right? Warm. Am I getting warm?

Starting point is 00:31:57 Yeah, very warm. Yeah, I understand it now. Yeah, I know you have a girlfriend, a wife. I have a fiance. Fiance. I understand it now, like I understand Shane Gillis. Shane Gillis with his girl, the influencer lady,

Starting point is 00:32:10 would have never made sense in any other scenario. Besides what? Besides famous comic influencer. I don't think so. You underestimate Shane. I knew him before. Oh, so he was in Deep in Hot Chicks before? Before he got bit by the radioactive spider

Starting point is 00:32:26 and he became Shane-Man. Okay. He, he's, dude, he's charming. He's low key, he's low key a cutie pie. You're missing- Everybody needs fame. No, no, okay, how about this? You're, you're, you're missing a few key points,

Starting point is 00:32:37 by the way. You go to the Midwest, you go to the Midwest, you see beautiful women with big guys, guys. Yeah. Like in Canada. And I'm gonna tell you right now, I used to go with Shane, Shane used to go on the road with me and feature for me.

Starting point is 00:32:52 And when we would go to like Boston or something like that, boy would, we were both single, boy would clean up. Cause the ladies would be like, ooh, I want me a pale daddy. Right. And he'd be like, shut up, you're gay. And they'd be like, ooh, I want me a pale daddy. Right. And he'd be like, shut up, you're gay. And they'd be like, ooh, aw, I need them freckles. And he'd be like shut up.

Starting point is 00:33:11 He looks like a white guy that's been in water, like a dead corpse. Oh my God. Are you calling him bloated? No, I'm not saying that. I'm just saying the eyes bulge, like it's been like in a swamp. I gotta tell you something right now?

Starting point is 00:33:21 I'm wrong. He's gonna come get you. You don't want that to happen? You wanna start this war, dude? You are calling on, you're yelling at a cloud. He picks me up. You're yelling at a cloud. Like a little boy.

Starting point is 00:33:30 And I like it. And we have that relationship, right? I'm not, you know, Shane, if you're listening right now, or if you get this clip. He will. I give you props all day long. You're one of the funniest comics on planet Earth, right? You're the king.

Starting point is 00:33:44 You deserve all your success. That's not what I'm saying. I just think you have like, you know, in Lord of the Rings, like maybe the second or third movie, right? Remember Frodo and those guys who went to the swamp? And Gollum's like, don't look in the water. Who's in the water?

Starting point is 00:34:00 These dead elves from like thousands of years ago. Oh my God. You know what I mean? that's all I'm saying Just don't look in the water starting a war. I'm not starting what anyway. I didn't mean in a bad way. Let's Store is just crazy. Yeah, whenever I go to those stores I like look at the guy and I got others and a version of dance harder. That's what you think. Damn What are you doing? I do. Why can't you back me once? Because I think you're insanely wrong. I think you're fucked up.

Starting point is 00:34:27 You're out of bounds. Don't do that. I'm sorry. Don't do that. I don't like what you're fucking doing either. I'm over here saving you from a war. I'm tired of being bullied by people like you. I'm saving you from a war.

Starting point is 00:34:36 I tried to fucking befriend you at the tour. See what he's doing? Yeah. See what he's doing? I see it. I'm tired of being bullied by you after you just went after him and then Shane Gilles. Oh, really?

Starting point is 00:34:45 You're bullying. I'm being, I'm being honest. You're 100% bullying. This is fascinating. You're 100% bullying. I'm being honest. You're mad that the Soho thing didn't land and then you bullied Shane Gillis.

Starting point is 00:34:55 Yeah, you went after my friend. You're the bully, dude. Well, the next time I say a thing, disagree with me. Okay. You know what? Yeah, yeah. Maybe that's the new rule. But let's both be, hey Bobby, I'm down,

Starting point is 00:35:07 but let's make this cool on all of us, all right? Go ahead. This is like trying to negotiate. Go ahead. We're all gonna be cool. We're gonna be cool. We're all gonna be cool, we're gonna make a point we can all agree on.

Starting point is 00:35:15 Okay, thank you. Point we can all agree on, ready? You think everything you say I agree with, no. I always laugh and I always agree. Yeah. That's what friendship is all about. All right. I know your diabolical East coast fucking way of thinking.

Starting point is 00:35:30 Can I say something? I know it's so sorry. Something happened on the Burt tour between you guys that's unresolved. No, we have fun. Was it when I hurt my lip? You hurt your lip, but you were gone. I didn't see you.

Starting point is 00:35:40 That's hilarious. But when you there. I texted you. I'm one of the only people that texted you. When you called me as Ralph Barbosa, I picked up and I said, I was one of the only people that texted you when you called me as Ralph Barbosa I picked up and I said I was one of the only people that texted you okay You busted your lip and on the tour boss the tour boss. Yeah. Yeah, we're on our way to Florida Yeah, and we're in for I feel like you were like one of the last people to text. I think that's what it was Oh, I thought honestly I checked the receipt. I think I'm just testing you you to agree with me. I thought the rule

Starting point is 00:36:09 He doesn't follow the rules Bobby look at me. Yeah, I'm sorry that was on me. There we go It's easy to see is that give me something to agree. We're back in right Dax flame Definitely has a bigger penis than you then me. Yeah. Yeah, that's see. Yeah, is it true? Than me? Yeah. Yeah. That's C? Yeah. Is it true? Probably not.

Starting point is 00:36:25 Probably not. You know what? I don't care. Cause that kind of loyalty? Yeah, that's where it is. Fuck the truth. I'd rather have that. There it is.

Starting point is 00:36:34 I want you to be loyal. Got it. Okay. And I will agree with everything you say. Say something that I might not agree with, but I'll agree with it. Honestly, I think gummy sodas kind of suck. I agree. And whenever I'm eating them, I don't even remember saying what I said in with it. Honestly, I think gummy sodas kinda suck.

Starting point is 00:36:46 I agree, and whenever I'm eating them, I don't even remember saying what the whites in my mouth. Do you understand how easy that is? Yeah, throw it back to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good exercise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You look like a... All right.

Starting point is 00:36:58 No. No, let him go. You look like a fluffer in gay porn. Yeah, absolutely. Strong jaw, look like I'm just getting big gay rods stiff. It's called, right, adding information and agreeing in this, Rob. Yes, Andy.

Starting point is 00:37:11 Now do one back to him. I'm just gonna say it right now, it shouldn't be illegal to eat a homeless person's ass. It should not be. Yeah. I went for a nighttime walk. I go for a nighttime walk a lot, and I go for a nighttime walk

Starting point is 00:37:24 in the same little stretch of area by my neighborhood. And this homeless guy must have heard me like talking on the phone. And he yelled out, I live here. And I felt bad. I was like, sorry. So I said, sorry. Where does he stay?

Starting point is 00:37:41 So like by the LA river, but there's like a walking path and people, there's like tents that are up underneath, tucked under. You can't see them. Yeah. And, but he's right. He does live there. I was talking loud.

Starting point is 00:37:52 He does live there. And I apologized. The thought of him in makeshift reading glasses, reading the back of a label and him going, will you shut the fuck up? Yeah. I'm reading. He's mixing chemicals. I live here. I'm trying to make a new form of ho Yeah. I'm reading. He's mixing chemicals.

Starting point is 00:38:05 I live here. I'm trying to make a new form of hooch. He's reading Dostoevsky. He's like, man, I was called a cop really. Didn't have to murder that lady. I did call the cops and get him removed. Yeah. You gotta clean up the streets, dude.

Starting point is 00:38:16 Nice, dude. Can't put up with that shit, dude. Now, how do you feel about the homeless? How do I feel about them? Give me a genuine European view. Well, he doesn't see them now in New York. They're all hibernating. Yeah, they're all in the tunnels. Yeah, where do they go in the tunnels?

Starting point is 00:38:28 Honestly, you don't know. There's just like, it's like a crisp, it's like a crisp fall day. And then they're just, where are they? And then it gets hot. And then you're like, oh, I can't walk my dog. Maybe they're frozen and they thaw. That might be, you go, seasons are changing.

Starting point is 00:38:41 They're starting, help me. Yeah. Reanimate? Yeah, and then, and now it's March. Yeah, and they feel changing. They're starting. Help me. Yeah. Reanimate. Yeah, and then, and now it's March. Yeah, and they do the position. Yeah. March.

Starting point is 00:38:53 Yeah, exactly. I live here! That's it. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You just did the de-thawing of a homeless man, perfect. And that's Comedy 101. That's called a call. And that's what we do here at Bad Friends.

Starting point is 00:39:04 And that's how talented he is. By the way, that's, that's, and Cino Man. And that's what we do here at Bad Friends. And that's how talented he is. By the way, that's this Encino Man. We just did the movie Encino Man. Please don't do this. Everything's fitted for a reboot right now. Thank you so much for that. Tell me Bobby Lee and the Brendan Fraser role. You would be in the great Encino Man.

Starting point is 00:39:18 You as the new Weasel. Yeah. Oh, bro. Let's go. Okay, let's talk about what they should remake. Ah, yeah, okay. Can we talk about what movies they should remake? I'm gonna go down the same line of where we already are. One of my favorite movies that's underrated, Airheads.

Starting point is 00:39:34 I fucking- Would love a new Airheads, but how do you do Airheads? Radio doesn't matter anymore. Podcasts. Oh, they like take over. I never saw Airheads. I never saw Airheads. Oh, you would love it.

Starting point is 00:39:44 Brendan Fraser, you got Adam Sandler. Sandler, dude. Buscemi. So these three guys are like, they're a shitty band and they badly wanna get on the radio. Back when like if you got your record played once, it was like you were home free on a radio. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:39:58 And they decide they're gonna hijack a local radio station cause they just can't get any fucking radio play. And it's basically diehard at a radio station. Yeah. That's amazing. It's fucking awesome. But they're the bad guys. The good guys are the bad guys. They're like idiots.

Starting point is 00:40:10 They take over the radio station. But you root for them because they're so downtrodden. Let's remake Airheads. This is us by the way. Soder is obviously Frazier, you're the tallest. I'm Sandler and you're Buscemi. I mean, let's do it. What about remaking Gremlins?

Starting point is 00:40:24 Love it. One or, how about one and two? about remaking Gremlins? Love it. One or, how about one and two? Let's start. Give me the whole franchise. Start with one. Yeah, start with one. Start, see if anybody wants. I'll tell you right now, I'm so geeked up.

Starting point is 00:40:31 I wanna be a Mogwai. You are a fucking Mogwai. Honestly, if they ever do a reboot and you're not voicing the Mogwai, someone's missing big. I wanna be them. Put fur on me. Okay.

Starting point is 00:40:46 What about goonies? No. I can't touch that. You can't touch it. It's pitch perfect. It's pitch perfect. It's also because that childhood fantasy of like neighborhood play,

Starting point is 00:40:57 I don't even know if people do that. I don't know if kids do that, like go to the woods. That's a good point. Do kids get in trouble in the woods? Did you see the lady in Georgia that got arrested cause her son walked like half a mile to a store. I remember, yeah I saw that. Insane.

Starting point is 00:41:11 Insane. 10 years old. She was charged, right? Yeah. A child endangerment. Yeah, the kids wouldn't do it, so that's why it wouldn't make any sense. They call it amazing.

Starting point is 00:41:19 They call that free range parenting now. What? When you just let your kid be a kid. When you're not helicoptering anymore, now it's called free range. I ran away from home for a week, I'm not kidding you. My parents didn't go to the cops. Why would they?

Starting point is 00:41:32 Because they just knew you were gonna come back. I came in the house for a week, my dad goes, huddle. And I go, all right. That's the reception. It is funny that like, it was such a not big, there were kids that I knew growing up whose parents were real, real like Lucy Goosey, you know? I had a friend that didn't have to check in

Starting point is 00:41:50 with his parents to sleep over. Just could just do it. He could fucking, he could turn the key and launch it himself. So you go, you want to sleep over? He goes, yeah, you're gonna call her? He goes, well, for I don't wanna bug him. Yeah, I don't know.

Starting point is 00:42:00 I think they probably. You know where she is. She's at the casino anyway. She's up in Black Hawk. Can I say, this is a controversial thing probably... You know where she is. She's at the casino anyway. She's up in Blackhawk. Can I say, this is a controversial thing I want to say. Let it rip. I feel like the bullying that I received was necessary. Yes.

Starting point is 00:42:14 When you were a kid. Yes. Put your head in this toilet. You're not going to be able to breathe for two minutes. All that stuff. You never got a swirly in real life. What? You never got a swirly.

Starting point is 00:42:21 Oh my God. I was locked, like old school, I was locked in a locker for four hours. No way. Yeah, yeah. What grade? It was one of those half lockers, so I had to crouch. It was insane.

Starting point is 00:42:31 What grade? Ninth. No, even younger, like probably second grade or third grade. Oh, that freshman year sounds like exactly what happened. And I definitely heard teachers walk by and I was screaming and they didn't even help me. Well, you hear teachers like,

Starting point is 00:42:43 is Bobby Lee in there? That's so funny. Yeah. I just feel like that sort of like made me strong enough to do comedy on mom. Yeah absolutely. Do you know there's kids that are like they're giving ozempic to like fat kids now and you're like no no no you're gonna you're not gonna have funny people when you grow up. Yeah let them level out.. You let them be fat and weird and awkward. Yeah, it's A-gill-us. Dude, you want that smoke. You're doing it again.

Starting point is 00:43:08 I don't know why you're doing it. Honestly, I'm trying to agree with everything you're saying. You know what? I'm trying to bring down the king. Wow. Yeah, I'm willing to do it. You know, it's hard to bring down the king when you're a rook.

Starting point is 00:43:17 Damn. Did you just write that? Yeah. Just write that? Thank you, dog. Did you fucking? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'll be honest with you. Did you just spit that off the top of your head?

Starting point is 00:43:26 The last gig that he did here. Bars. Did you do the show? The last gig? The Will Turn one with Bill Burr and Shane Gillis. I did that show, yeah. Yeah, mine was an ass. Oh, they told me why they did an ass.

Starting point is 00:43:39 Cause it was a strict timeline they had to keep and they were like, will Bob be on time to sing? I said, no, no chance. Damn. That hurts me so bad, no, no chance. Damn. That hurts me so bad, dude, that you wouldn't, that's really hurtful. That's not true. They didn't ask me.

Starting point is 00:43:52 They would never ask me, is my point. That's fucking bullshit. I'm gonna pull this to Shane. This is bullshit. Don't. Fuck you. Don't. Welcome to the show and thanks for doing it.

Starting point is 00:44:00 Yeah, absolutely. Thanks for having me. I'm in a mood, I'm sorry. And honestly, I love it. It's like holding a cat with its claws out. Exactly. It's so sweet. That's good, that's good. I'm trying to keep you away from the problem areas.

Starting point is 00:44:11 Oh yeah, yeah. That's good, that's good, that's good. I have problems with some other kings here, man. If we're doing this, let's do it. Go ahead. D.L. Hughley, Steve Harvey. I have problems with them. All the living sedgels.

Starting point is 00:44:21 I have problems with them as well. And Rest In Peace. Yeah, yeah. Bernie Mac. Bernie Mac, the king of all kings. The true king of kings. Who has bulgiers like somebody else we know. What are you doing, bro?

Starting point is 00:44:34 Who are you talking about? I'm telling you, we hold council with the man. Okay, hold council. And you're gonna get time. Sometimes Slovenia needs to have started a war with the United States. No? No, they don't.

Starting point is 00:44:47 That's a terrible fucking idea. That's something you say coming out of a nap. Ha ha ha ha. Shopify. Guess what? Guess what? Oh, what? What?

Starting point is 00:44:57 Okay. Sometimes it's a knock knock and I say knock knock. Well, I'll tell you, we have the best online business because we use Shopify. That's exactly right. Shopify is home with the number one checkout on the planet. And by the way, when you think about businesses that are selling through the roof,

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Starting point is 00:47:43 at a store near you. Stay fresh this season for everyone's sake. Level up your grooming game today. What did you say? Is that something you say? You're right, you're right. No, no, who's the other person you want to throw a stone at?

Starting point is 00:47:53 I'm curious now. He said you wanted another king, another cat. Yeah, okay, I'll throw this out. Billy Burr. Wow. Yeah, he goes, his way of saying, he's like, he'll call me kiddo, right? Does he rub your head?

Starting point is 00:48:06 You guys are the same age. I know, and he doesn't really, you know what I mean? Talk to me that much. Hey, what do you wanna be when you grow up? Yeah. That's what he says. He doesn't talk to anybody that much. Bill is a very quiet person.

Starting point is 00:48:18 I don't like that. You wanted him to be more chatty? More chatty. Bill Burr to be more chatty. I love him. He loves you too. We've worked together many times. Anyway, let's move on.

Starting point is 00:48:29 Shots are fired. Shots are not fired. No? Why, because I said that Shane Gillis is bloated looking? How is that a shot fired? That's legitimately a shot fired. Okay. Is it not?

Starting point is 00:48:39 Am I crazy? Of all weeks. Okay, here we go. I know, he's hosting SNL. That doesn't look Shane Gillis sleeping. Oh my God, dude, you're fucked. Damn. Shut up. Imagine a nudist beach and Shane Gillis at it.

Starting point is 00:48:52 Bingo. I am. There he is. I will say this. You are my best friend and I love you so much. I'm going wrong. I cannot wait for him to come back at you. Like it's fucking-

Starting point is 00:49:02 Honestly? It's gonna be great. I just, I feel like a fur trapper that's come out of the mountains and told you like, you don't want that war. Dude, you think that's gilly. I'd give you some Sam Elliott knowledge right now and say, Bobby, sometimes you eat the bear,

Starting point is 00:49:16 well, sometimes the bear eats you. Sometimes the bear. That's not funny. That's not funny. The way you said it. My tongue? Sometimes the bear. Stop it. Fuck you. Thanks for coming I'm loving what whatever's going on. I'm gonna say this humming. I'm humming hot right now. Okay, I'm on fire dude. You're pinned

Starting point is 00:49:35 I'm gonna try to dig my way out When that whole thing happened with Shane, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, I was the first one to defend him. Number two, the first time I saw him perform, I thought to myself, oh, well I would never want to follow that. Yeah. He's a beast.

Starting point is 00:49:56 Yes. He's an absolute beast, right? He's at the top of his game. Absolutely. He's got a beautiful girlfriend, right? Yes. I know his dad. I love him. Phil's a legend. beautiful girlfriend, right? Yes. I know his dad. I feel- Love him.

Starting point is 00:50:05 Phil's a legend. Great guy, right? Yeah. I've been only respectful to his family, right? I did a little dick. I did a little, I did a little dick. I'm gonna tell you right now, you moonwalking son of a bitch.

Starting point is 00:50:19 Oh, I moonwalk brother. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I do. That might there, that might have saved you. Exactly. You walk walked. I walked walked. You walk walked backwards. And I only have the greatest admiration,

Starting point is 00:50:31 he's one of the kings of the world right now. He's a beast. And I discovered this when we did, no please don't call him. I discovered this when me and Shane were guest stars on the Burton Tom Show in Vegas. Yeah. I went up first, right?

Starting point is 00:50:48 And he was supposed to go before me, and I switched it. I brought Shane on. And this was in front of 15, 20,000 seats. I was there. Yeah, you were there. And when I said his name, the kind of response that he got went through my, I had a spiritual awakening.

Starting point is 00:51:07 You felt that? Is that really your laugh? Yeah, that's how I laughed, that made me laugh. Gilly. Gilly. Gilly. All right. What up, bro? I want to tell you, you're on the pod

Starting point is 00:51:15 and we can cut it for sure, because I never want to trap you, but Soder's over here right now. Soder's in studio, the man, and Bobby is over here, he's on a hot one, he's talking shit about you, and we warned him, and I said- I'm not talking shit about you, dude.

Starting point is 00:51:28 Go ahead and say it, dude. Go ahead and say what you gotta say to Shane Gillis. Say it. I just said that you were in the top comics on planet Earth, you're one of the kings. No, what else? I know your dad, I know your dad, and I have great respect for you.

Starting point is 00:51:39 Is that a slam? Doesn't sound like that's what you said. I'll tell you what I said, all right? I think you have bulgy eyes. Yeah. And sometimes you look bloated. All right. Is that war? Uh oh.

Starting point is 00:51:55 Is it war, Gilly? No, no, no, no, no. Negro war with fucking Bobby Lee, no. Could you defeat me quickly? Yeah, I'm not, I know. I think you're great, man. I look forward to the special. See that, dude?

Starting point is 00:52:08 He throws you a compliment. You insulted my friend. Shane, what are you doing? Oh my, I feel so bad now. That's the kind of guy Gillis is. Thank you, Shane. Thank you, Shane. Love you, buddy, talk to you later. Hey, good luck, man.

Starting point is 00:52:17 I wish you guys nothing but the best. Bobby, keep it up, man. You're hilarious. I love you, Shane. Damn. Hmm. Oh, shit. Damn. Ha ha ha ha ha. Hmm. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Starting point is 00:52:27 Hmm. Dude. That good a comedy and that good a person. So you get a two for two. Oh my God. You feeling that, huh? You know what though? At least you're reflective of it.

Starting point is 00:52:39 That's even better. And the accountability. Well, I'll tell you another thing, dude. Bro. We're cutting all that out. Ha ha ha ha ha. No we're not. I have control of this podcast, dude. We're cutting all that out. No we're not. I have control of this podcast, but we're gonna cut all that out.

Starting point is 00:52:49 Dude. Yeah? He just texted me. What'd he say? Tell him he's fucking dead. No, that doesn't happen. Yeah, fucking dead. Told ya. Wait, he really did.

Starting point is 00:53:02 He really did. That's it for you, buddy. That's it for me. Oh, well you know what? That was a good run. I think it Yeah, you did really good. That's it for you, buddy. That's it for me. Oh, well, you know what? It was a good run. I think it's my way to get out. It's a good run. It's a good run.

Starting point is 00:53:10 It's my way to get out. I'll get out. It's my way to get out. You know what, man? Honestly, they won't be able to find me in Vermont if I stay off the internet. Yeah, I mean, I have a fantasy of just kind of getting out. You know what it is, dude?

Starting point is 00:53:23 Yeah. This is like one of those Hollywood stars, where are they now? And this will be a grainy flashback to when it all started to plummet. Yeah, this is when the music changes. Yeah, dude. This is when the music changes on the dock.

Starting point is 00:53:35 The color slowly fades. I mean, it goes black and white. Stings get slowed down. It's just punched in on you right now, contemplating. I want to say I haven't slept a lot lately. Okay. All you do is sleep. It's literally all I do.

Starting point is 00:53:48 No, but the last three days I haven't because I've been traveling and stuff. Okay, I haven't been sleeping. You think you're... I'm not in my right mind. And I think that what I did was not right. And it was like, I don't even think that's how I really feel, you know? Yeah. I think it was just a guy just out of his mind talking.

Starting point is 00:54:07 Dude, I get it. You get it, yeah. I respect it, man. And I apologize, you don't look like a security guard at a boutique, so. Honestly, I would have taken that over what you originally said, because that's as I am there to secure the.

Starting point is 00:54:18 And I think you were one of the first people to text me when I got hurt. When I woke up and I heard about it. And we have a great relationship. Absolutely. And that's my bad. We can start anew. Yeah, and last week when I got hurt. Or when I woke up and I heard about it. And we have a great relationship. Absolutely. And that's my bad. We can start anew. Yeah, and last week when I went after you.

Starting point is 00:54:29 You did. Yeah. Bobby, spring's about to be sprung. I apologize for that. I was like not in my right mind. I don't care, it was actually kind of funny. Okay. I loved, I actually thought it was very funny.

Starting point is 00:54:38 Someone sent me the clip, I was like, that's pretty funny. Okay, so I'm the one that needs to change. I'm the wrong. Wow. I'm the one that needs to change. I'm the wrong. Wow. I'm the bad guy. That level of accountability. Yeah, and I'm ashamed of the bullshit that I said. No, stop, you are entering a new phase in life

Starting point is 00:54:58 where you are taking ownership. I'm trying to figure out if I really believe what I said, so I'm going through that right now. You know what I mean? Just to be honest with you, do I really believe what I said. So I'm going through that right now. You know what I mean? I'll just be honest with you. Like reflect, do I really feel that way? Maybe, maybe not. But I shouldn't have said it out loud.

Starting point is 00:55:12 I'll tell you that right now. In fact, I will say this. I do believe what I said, all of it. But I shouldn't have said it out loud. Okay, dude. Yeah. That's crazy. That was a 180 to a 180.

Starting point is 00:55:22 We're right back where we started. If you watched a trial with that kind of admit, where he goes, I'm sorry I killed her, but am I sorry I killed her? Not really, but I am sorry that I did it. I felt it and I'm fine for feeling that. I haven't masturbated in five days. Why haven't you jerked off in five days?

Starting point is 00:55:39 I'm trying to a not. Five days? Yeah. Five days is a pretty good amount of time. When did you notice it? Like what was the worst day so far? Five days? Yeah. Five days is a pretty good amount of time. When did you notice it? Like what was the worst day so far? Like today? Last night I tried to and I couldn't do it.

Starting point is 00:55:51 Day four is when I start to get a little itchy. Yeah. Ari Shafir told me that, he said this out loud, so I, you know, that he, the way, you know, his girlfriend, great girlfriend, right? That the reason he met her in the first place is he wasn't masturbating for a long time. And then when that happens, it motivates you to like,

Starting point is 00:56:09 you know when you meet a girl, Go find him. Like, hey, meet us at the bar, you don't go. It motivated him to go. Yeah, because he had four balls. Yeah, yeah. So I think it is a good advice. Five days though, you gotta empty it out, man.

Starting point is 00:56:21 Yeah, go empty the clip. And maybe that's why I'm acting the way I am today. That's exactly right. That actually explains a lot. You know what? That is it, go empty the clip. And maybe that's why I'm acting the way I am today. That's exactly right. That actually explains a lot. You know what? That is it because you're aggressive. You're being very aggressive. I'm being very aggressive right now.

Starting point is 00:56:30 Yeah, you're just horned up, dude. I'm horned up. You're a little full. And so, Chin, if you're listening, don't start a war with me. Yeah, dude. I'm horned up. You get what you're saying, yeah.

Starting point is 00:56:39 Yeah. A guy getting into a fight with another guy, be like, brother, I'm just this way because I'm horny. I just realized it. The reason I tried to fight you in that bar is because I have a boner. Yeah, with another guy, I'd be like, brother, I'm just this way because you're horny. I just realized it. The reason I tried to fight you in that bar is because I have a boner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm pumped out of my mind.

Starting point is 00:56:50 Yeah, so I apologize. And I think people listening get it. Oh, huh. I think they get it. I think they get it too. Any rational person would get it. Yeah, now can I ask you another question? What do you think of Pizzeria Bianco in Phoenix?

Starting point is 00:57:03 I know you called me about this, we talked. Have you been there? Yeah, he's Tucson, he doesn't know Phoenix as well. Yeah, I know. Oh, so south on I-10. So years ago, a film critic in New York Times said that that's the best pizza on planet Earth. And it became a gigantic, it's like hours away.

Starting point is 00:57:21 Big planet. Yeah, and- Big planet to say Earth, dude, that's insane. And you know, I went there again, it's pretty good. It's good, dude. Is it like, have you had Frank Pepe's in Connecticut? That's like one of the, that's like the OG. Why would I go there?

Starting point is 00:57:39 I don't know, you do a lot of shows. Connecticut has some of the best pizza. They're trying to, like they're trying to make it that, they're trying to make us. Is Hartford there? In Connecticut? Yeah. But Frank Pepe's is in New Haven.

Starting point is 00:57:50 Hartford, Connecticut, Funny Bone. They just, they were so rude to me. That's why I've never been back. The club? Yeah. Or the people that went to the club? No, the management there. Really?

Starting point is 00:58:02 I did one weekend there, and the manager at the last night, and I'd seen him around all weekend, finally introduced himself and he was kind of like, here's your check. Oh damn. Maybe he had something going on. He could have had full balls. No, no, no, no, no.

Starting point is 00:58:13 What if that guy had full balls? Would you have taken it if he was full balls? No, twice I've been there. Imagine he threw the check. And they were not nice to me. Well, maybe he had full balls twice. They can fill up real quick. Okay.

Starting point is 00:58:24 You know what, you're right. Maybe you're right. They can fill up real quick. Okay. You know what? You're right. Maybe you're right. So Connecticut has the best pizza. They try to. If you ever go to New Haven, you should have Frank Pepe's. New Haven. 100%.

Starting point is 00:58:35 Frank Pepe's. It's very good. Okay. But do you think so far, do you think Pizza Bianco was the best you've ever had? I think that it's the best in the top five I've ever had probably. Well, okay, let's rank, how about this?

Starting point is 00:58:49 This is even more, this is even more, cause we got no good debate about donuts the other week. Let's rank. By the way, in Los Angeles, I go to Kettle Glaze every time I'm here. Oh yeah. And I went and picked up a half a dozen. Oh, you got a little sweet secret sweet boy, huh?

Starting point is 00:59:03 I'm pretty allowed. All right, so I'm pretty raging. I'm gonna tell. All right, so I'm pretty I'm gonna tell you something I'm flaming you're going wrong. I think you're going wrong with it. I Think you're going wrong with it and I'm gonna convince you otherwise Kettle glaze. Yeah, the wrong way to go. Yeah, I would go. I've your head sidecar. Mm-hmm We brought them into the studio one time Side what do you think of them? We brought them into the studio one time. Sidecar.

Starting point is 00:59:23 What do you think of them? They're fine. Wow. You know, it's not my number one. Oh, are they like a busy donut? A busy donut, yes. Here's what I like about this. Kettle glaze goes like this.

Starting point is 00:59:34 We're a donut. See, that's what I like. Okay. Like we're a donut wearing a fruit hat. You know what these are? These are donuts that, these are, hey, these are single moms now that have been through a divorce.

Starting point is 00:59:44 That's who this donut is. Yeah, okay. It's got too much going on. Yeah, you go. You don't need all of this. You don't need to do all of this. But I'm gonna double down now, my friends, okay? And I'm gonna show you something that's gonna blow your minds, if I may.

Starting point is 00:59:54 Mm-hmm. Please. Okay? In Korea. I'm already out. I'm in. I'm in harder. That's the right answer. South or north?

Starting point is 01:00:03 I don't care. North. North, yeah, the good side. Yeah. Look at Kim Jong-un. Does North Korea have a similar thing, like Northern Ireland has an up the raw, like does North Korea have a fucking chant

Starting point is 01:00:14 or anything like that? Yeah, Killa Medigan. Oh, I love that. Or it's like, it's un time. So there's a, they have one now, so this is a Korean company, that they have one in Koreatown, and it's called Old. So there's a, they have one now. So this is a Korean company that they have a one in Koreatown and it's called Old Fairy Donut.

Starting point is 01:00:29 Okay. Okay. That's what we call you. You know what dude, that's rude. You set me up. Yeah, yeah. Old Fairy, old F-E-R-R-Y like a fairy. It is the best donut in L.A.

Starting point is 01:00:42 All right, we'll go to Old Fairy. Ooh, bitch. Yeah, those pictures, Bobby, you're right, this is it. Oh, shit. All right, we'll go to Old Ferry. Ooh, bitch. Yeah, those pictures, Bobby, you're right. This is it. Are you being sarcastic with me? No, I'm being 100% for real. I'm telling you.

Starting point is 01:00:51 You showed me that first fancy shit. I don't want that. This is, yes. I wanna rank this. I wanna rank the most, the corporate pizza joints where they go. Cause look, everyone's got their fancy pizza joints. Give me the corporate rankings.

Starting point is 01:01:02 Give me Domino's, Pizza Hut, Little Caesars. Give me fucking, Sbarro can be thrown in there. I can tell you. Go. I honestly think Pizza Hut. Yes. Number one. Number one is Pizza Hut.

Starting point is 01:01:12 Because the crust is buttery and something about it. Also the way they do their pizza, it stays more of like a pizza. Domino's, they overload you with the fucking dough and the cheese. And your swearing is right for that. They're fucking dough. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:01:30 I hate it. I think Little Ceas is my favorite. What? Hot and ready, dude. Hot and ready, it's simple. It's simple as Little Ceas cheese is fine for me. What, do you have a cricket phone? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:01:41 Who the fuck likes Little Ceasers? I just like the five dollar. One of their toppings is cancer. I bet. It goes Pizza Hut, Domino's, Papa John's. Papa John's. Pre or post N-word. I don't know, that garlic sauce, you get in the top three with that.

Starting point is 01:01:57 Yeah. Dude, I like the hot and ready. Just it saved me for a long time in my twenties, financially. I think if you ate it now, you would think differently. Because we don't have that pizza now, that's the problem. I haven't eaten anything like that in a long time in my 20s, financially. I think if you ate it now, you would think differently. Because we don't have that pizza now, that's the problem. I haven't eaten anything like that in a long time. Yeah, but the pizza, Little Caesar's still around. Oh yeah.

Starting point is 01:02:11 Is it? Dude, what? Every corner, go to Well Western. My buddy Matt's kid just- I haven't seen Little Caesar's in forever. My buddy Matt's kid just tried it for the first time like last week, and he was like, he says it's the best food he's ever had in his life.

Starting point is 01:02:23 I've never seen, we're in Echo Park? What the fucking going over there? But what if you guys had a Little Caesars pizza party and it was brought to you? We keep talking about it, they might end up sponsoring the show. So I went to- Pizza, pizza.

Starting point is 01:02:35 When I play Chicago improv, sometimes they get me a fresh Lou Maldonado. Yeah. It's pretty good. Yeah. Yeah, that's my, I love Lou. It's pretty good. It's very good. I like the deep dish's my, I love this. It's pretty good. It's very good.

Starting point is 01:02:45 I like the deep dish. I don't care what you feel about it. It's good just for that special occasion. We don't eat it on the regular. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I love it. It's heavy, it's too heavy for a regular. No, you eat it once in a great while. It's cake.

Starting point is 01:02:56 Yeah, fork and knife. So I had this Filipino family, Kalila's end, come from Philippines one summer. And we went to that deep dish pizza place in Los Filas or Echo Park. Masa. Masa. Yeah, Masa, yeah.

Starting point is 01:03:11 Very good. Yeah, it's great. They didn't eat it. What? They don't know what it is. There wasn't any bugs on it? No, no. No.

Starting point is 01:03:18 Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no cardboard on it. If you shave some tree bark on this, it will be good. Say when on the tree bark. Like they're doing it like it's truffle. Can I just do it some tree bark? Yeah, this is some oak. We're just gonna shave it onto your. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:03:35 Of course they didn't need it. That's not, they're in their flavor profile. They like spicy. That pizza's a thick, doughy cake pizza. It's just a mushed up tomato. They're not gonna like that. But let me say something to you, y'all. Okay. Okay.

Starting point is 01:03:49 When I'm in a different country, I just, I'll check all of it out and I'll try it. Oh, you're saying they didn't even wanna try it. Yeah. They didn't even like attempt it. Look at that thing. How would you not try that? They didn't even take a bite?

Starting point is 01:04:01 Yeah. There's no- That is, that's like, you get, I would see myself getting very upset about that. Yeah, take a bite. Being like, take a bite? Yeah. There was no. That is, that's like, you get, I would see myself getting very upset about that. Yeah, take a bite. Being like, take a bite. I also made reservations. You guys gotta check out this.

Starting point is 01:04:10 Yeah. You know what I mean? You put thought into it. Exactly, dude! Yeah. What did they end up wanting? They wanted Jollibee, right? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:04:17 They love Jollibee, dude. What's Jollibee? Oh, you know what? It's their version of like a chain food restaurant. But it's, they fucking live and die by this. So much so that like- Yeah, that's Jollibee. You know-

Starting point is 01:04:28 But they have spaghetti too. Show me Jollibee's spaghetti. You know Benny Blanco? That's their spaghetti. The producer? You know how sometimes you're in the mood for spaghetti and a chicken leg? Yeah, what am I, pregnant?

Starting point is 01:04:40 It's fucking wild. Benny Blanco did a video of a food review, I think, at his house, and he caught so much shit from Filipino fans for just being like, this isn't good. Benny B? Yeah, but it's so funny how like they take, this is like their shit. But the one in the Philippines that I've been to,

Starting point is 01:04:56 is the quality is different, it's better. You think it's just, yeah, it's just better. Do you think it's like, like when you get a Guinness in Ireland, it's just better? That's not true. Yeah. That's what it is. I don't know. It's true, they clean out their lines.

Starting point is 01:05:07 I know, but you go to a good spot that serves a good Guinness, there's a couple of good Guinness spots. Cause I, that's my beer. I don't really drink beer, but if I'm gonna have a beer, I'm drinking that. You know, I was the- The Guinness King?

Starting point is 01:05:17 I was the brand ambassador. What? Yeah, that's what got me out. Julie, you know, Julie McCullough? I know, yeah, I know. He did the Guinness brand ambassador thing and then he quit drinking and they were trying to find a new one

Starting point is 01:05:27 and he's like, you should have my buddy Soder do it. Can I talk about him? What's that? McCullough. Yeah. He cut off his story, but yeah. What's up? What's going on?

Starting point is 01:05:38 You gonna call him bloated too? Finish your story. No. No, I was just saying, I got to go to the, I got to like, they flew me to Dublin and I got to like, I got to go to the, I got to like go, they flew me to Dublin and I got to like, I had to drink Guinness for like two years. The best.

Starting point is 01:05:48 And by the end I was like, get this mud water out of me. Man. I love it. See, when he finishes it, we should have cut it off. This guy, dude, you're a little hot, hot-tot. I almost need you to go to the bathroom and jerk off. I think I have to jerk off. Watch you come back and it's just. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:06:05 In fact, I'm not gonna, you know what, you're right. I'm gonna be more mindful about it. I'm not gonna say what I wanna say about Julian McCullough. I think it's another war. Go ahead, let me hear it. You might as well, dude. You're starting it up. So when I met him, he used to live in LA.

Starting point is 01:06:15 Yeah. Yeah. And I thought, what a handsome fella. He is? Yeah. Something happened. Are you saying he lost his look? Something happened. Did you fall out of love with him? Cause he's still handsome.

Starting point is 01:06:28 Maybe you fell out of love with him. He's a pretty good looking guy. Yeah, I guess he's still got it. Okay. What did you think? Did you see him on an off night? I mean, look at him. Yeah, so when I saw him recently,

Starting point is 01:06:38 he's just got older. That's it. Like we all do. He gained like six pounds is all. Dude, Bobby's like Tim Gunn. He's like, what are you fat bitch? Look at this gross pig. I loved it.

Starting point is 01:06:50 Ew. What a fantastic. Julian rules. He's so funny. He's very, very funny. I love him. Anyway. And thanks for giving me the brand ambassador job

Starting point is 01:06:57 in 2011. Thank you, Julian. I got to quit waiting tables because of it. Wow. It was pretty sick. Isn't that great when something like that changes your fucking life? I mean, changed my life.

Starting point is 01:07:05 I bought a laptop. I didn't own a laptop from 2007 to 2011. Slow down. Is Joe Matariz still around? I don't know. You know him? Yeah, I know Joe Matariz. The first time I made enough money to buy

Starting point is 01:07:17 like a new laptop, like a real one, I didn't watch porn on it. I was so scared. Yeah, you don't want to, yes. You don't want to damage it. I didn't want to hurt her. I was like,. Yeah, you don't wanna, yes, you don't wanna damage it. I didn't wanna hurt her. I was like, keep her in good shape. No, only emails and videos.

Starting point is 01:07:28 For years, I was like so afraid, I was like, no, it's gonna fuck it up. And this is the first one I could afford, so no, I'm not gonna fuck it up. Yes, that's how I felt about my iPhone. First time I got an iPhone, I'm like, I'm watching porn on this thing, and then you're like, oh, you can watch porn on this thing?

Starting point is 01:07:40 That's all I wanted. And now that's all it is for. Yes. Dan, how are you dealing with the fame? Rather day by day. He takes it day by day. But do you like it? I'm not famous, what are you talking about?

Starting point is 01:07:53 Can I tell you why you are? Because I'm hanging out with somebody, she was introducing me to these family members. Sure. And there was a guy involved and he was like, do you know Dennis Hoder? No, they were white. Sure. And there was a guy involved and he was like, do you know Dennis Hoda? No, they were white. Oh, sorry.

Starting point is 01:08:10 You know what though? You seem to think all the people that hang out while they're Asian? No, I didn't get an accent in all episode. I figured I had to do it now because we talked about it. Okay, okay, honestly at the buzzer nailed it. Yeah, but he is a huge fan of yours. Oh, that's awesome.

Starting point is 01:08:26 He's like, I love, what's he like? You know what I mean? Yeah. I swear to God. And I'm like, who, Dan? He goes, yeah, what's he like? He seems to be his biggest fan. He's the man.

Starting point is 01:08:34 I've seen people talk about you many times. Really? So there is a level of fame, and you know it because when you go to clubs, you sell out, right? Yeah. So why does that happen? Because I've been going to cities for years.

Starting point is 01:08:45 That's not why, it's because your presence is elevated. Thank you. Yeah, I mean, you right? Can we agree with that? So how are you dealing with it? I didn't know who this guy was before he walked in the door. I just randomly walked in. Can I sit down on your podcast?

Starting point is 01:09:00 Also, people that we have on this podcast are people that are elevated. Yeah. So how does it feel? Feels good. Okay, thank you. By the way, Bobby, I'm sorry. Easy fucking answer, dude.

Starting point is 01:09:09 Just like the way you described me, you went the worst thing with me is me trying to be confident with myself. Yeah. It's hard to, I know. You shit on me all you want. Bring it on, baby. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:09:22 We can have fun, but the second you go like, good job, I go, that's just fucking, it's the Hug and Step Brothers. Why are we like that? It's the Hug and Step Brothers, because it's what, you just said it earlier. It's the bullying that made you funny. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:09:32 I'm shocked when people are like, come to my shows and it's sold out or whatever. I always turn to the manager and go, is there some sort of promotion going on? And they go, what do you mean? I go, I mean, is it a two for one or what's going on? He goes, no, it's regular pricing, you sold out. And I'm always, I look in the audience and I go, what do you mean? I go, I mean, is it a two for one or what's going on? He goes, no, it's regular pricing, you sold out. And I look in the audience and I go, wow.

Starting point is 01:09:49 I've told this story before on the regs, but I was working the blue room in Springfield, Missouri, and I drove from Kansas City to Springfield, and I had a bunch of texts and people were like, they were like, dude, the club's running a special where if they buy tickets to you, they're entered into a raffle to see Matt Rife. And like so many comics texted me,

Starting point is 01:10:09 screen grabbed it and sent it to me. They're like. Wow. Really? Yeah. They were like. Same audience. They were like, hey, buy tickets to this fucking ogre.

Starting point is 01:10:19 And then maybe you can see Matt Rife. And it worked. It worked? Wow, yeah. My ticket sales were dog shit and there were people there. And it was pretty wild. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. That's like where you're like,

Starting point is 01:10:29 oh, so you guys are running around. Yeah. Okay, and then when it really happens, you go. First time I played the Mall of America. Yeah, house of comedy. Dude, maybe 20 people, maybe. And that's like a 500 seat room. That's a full circle moment though,

Starting point is 01:10:43 taping your special in Minneapolis. That was pretty cool. It was really cool. That one hurt a lot though, the mall, because you walk into- It's a big room too. And you have to walk into the mall before you go to a club, which hurts you twice.

Starting point is 01:10:55 It's also top floor. Yeah, you have to pass it. You have to go up escalators and elevators. And honestly, that Jamba Juice is doing some heavy lifting. Yeah, there's a lot of it. I'm getting an Orange Dream machine and then I'm going upstairs and just. By the way, it's an Orange Julius now.

Starting point is 01:11:09 I'm just kidding, I'm not. I'm glad you said that because that was my worst turnout of all time. I ate shit the fuck I said. Oh my God, dude. And I just, I can see an image of me, like a Paul Thomas Anderson shot of me, like going down the escalator when it's over,

Starting point is 01:11:21 passing like the guy at Journey's, like turning off the lights. Yeah. Shutting the lights. Yeah. Shutting the cage. Yeah, like, yeah, dude, it hurts so much when you like have to do that, but it makes you a great comic. And to piggyback what you're saying,

Starting point is 01:11:35 not to be a sappy fuckhead, but I thank every set now. I've been thanking the fans and I did it every night at the special because it does mean the world to me that they show up. I think it's so dope that they come out. It's, dude, it never has made me go, yep, knew it. Every time I go out, I go, wow, dude, thank you, unreal, amazing.

Starting point is 01:11:54 Do you have- But there's a couple of comics we know, you know, that are like, I knew it was gonna be this way. That's crazy. I do get resentments, though, of clubs that didn't treat you well. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 01:12:09 And then now you won't play them? Yeah. I got a couple. What do you mean? Totally. Is that right though? Is that healthy? That's like if any regular person

Starting point is 01:12:16 at your regular job at home, whatever job that you work, if someone treated you poorly in your customer route and then you started doing well in some other version of your job and then those customers wanted to come back, you'd be like, get fucked. The clubs I play now are the clubs,

Starting point is 01:12:32 are necessarily, not because of the draw, but it's because they treated me when I was down. Really good. So when I talked about Hartford, Connecticut at that Funny Bone, I was down then. And I just want people to be regular and nice. Yeah, when they're good to you and they don't have a reason to be.

Starting point is 01:12:49 I have loyalty. Yeah, you're like, oh cool, then I'll come back. You know, like. They used to be good to me, by the way. I'm not saying not change, but when I was doing those House of Comedies there, yeah. In Bronson's rooms, they were always good to me.

Starting point is 01:13:01 Edmonton's great. Now, that's where we might differ. Oh, you got clipped out there. There might be a reason why I don't use them as a club chain anymore. Oh, I fucking, you wanna talk about one of my worst weekends of my life. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:13:17 Was that fucking club, House of Comedy in Scottsdale. Scottsdale. Scottsdale, because you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's North Scottsdale. It looks like, dude, at a point it looked like a moon base. When you drive up and you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's North Scottsdale. It's North Scottsdale. It looks like. Dude, at a point it looked like a moon base. When you drive up and you'd be like, there's nothing.

Starting point is 01:13:29 It looks like Mars. And it's a fucking. Yeah, yeah. And I just ate shit. Every night. So bad. Is that 12 years ago again? Yeah, it's 2000, yeah.

Starting point is 01:13:38 This is 2013, 2014. Wow, wow, wow, wow. I think Edmonton happened like 2016, 2017. This is like 2014. I remember specifically, I called Gary Goldman and Gary Goldman was like, just do your best stuff. Keep your head down, get through the weekend. Oh yeah.

Starting point is 01:13:54 Because it was just fucking eating. I'll tell you why though. From a socioeconomic standpoint, you're not that kind of, that's not your crowd. No. Yeah, this is like retirees. This is a lot of like old couples your crowd. No. Yeah, this is like retirees. This is a lot of like old couples. Oh my God.

Starting point is 01:14:07 Yeah, this is- I also have like some resentment for Arizona. Cause like you went to school there. Oh yeah. You know, we both went to school there and you kind of come back and you're like, you weren't that nice to me. You were so mean to me.

Starting point is 01:14:17 Yeah, you got like- What are you doing to me? You come back and you're like- Hold on to those things now. Yeah, you're like, I couldn't get pussy for shit at this school. And I'm coming back and they're like, I couldn't get pussy for shit at this school. And now I'm coming back and being like, but I'm doing a show in Tucson this fall.

Starting point is 01:14:29 I'm very excited. I haven't been back to Tucson in like fucking years. Plug it by the way, are you playing the school? No, no, no, no. I don't know what then you were doing yet, but we're setting it up. Have you ever played this school? No, I have zero interest.

Starting point is 01:14:39 One day I wanna play ASU. I don't know why, because I think Schwartzen played there when I was in school. That's awesome. Yeah, well, he was fucking. I wanna do the Rialto because't know why, because I think Schwartzen played there when I was in school. That's awesome. Yeah, well, he was fucking. I wanna do the Rialto because that's where I saw Chappelle in Tucson.

Starting point is 01:14:49 That's sick. During the Blackzilla, season one of Chappelle show. It was a fucking. Wow. Without a doubt, one of the greatest live standup shows I've ever seen in my life. Guy did like 70, came back out, did 20 on chords. Get fucked.

Starting point is 01:15:01 Get fucked. Rippin' it. I hate that. We're doing 26 tops. Yeah. Bring up SOTY's dates. We're doing 26 tops. Yeah. Bring up SOTY's dates. If you want to see Dan Soder on tour, he's on tour right now here in February, March, April, May. He's everywhere. There's Balboa Theater down there in San Diego. So Richmond, Virginia. I'm going to be at the Funny Bone April 4th and 5th

Starting point is 01:15:21 and then at Spokane Comedy Club May 1st through the 3rd, we got a big announcement coming up with a bunch of shows that I'm gonna hopefully be dropping very soon. That are not on this list? That are not listed. Are you doing like a skanks thing? No. Okay. I'm doing like a tour. With a bunch of other guys?

Starting point is 01:15:38 No, by myself. Okay. Big boy shit. All right, big dog. Put on some big pants. Well, go to dansoder.com if you do want to go see one of the funniest comedians we know touring across the country. We love you. Dan, look at that camera, say thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend.

Starting point is 01:15:54 God, your voice. It's so good. Yeah, ooh, yeah, ooh, yeah, ooh, yeah

Bad Friends - We Bring Down the King

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