Bad Friends - Where Is Waldo Bobby?

Episode Date: November 25, 2024

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Yeah, you don't want that hoodie? This is a good one. This is very cool, actually. You want it. Well, if you want to watch Scary Times USA, the live streaming pod that we did. What is left? For four days left to moment.co.

slash badfriends, moment.co. slash badfriends. Go watch it before it's gone forever. You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? Woo. White dude and Asian dude. Woo.

You two are disgusting. Woo. Oh, you two are something. We're bad friends. And what state is this? This is in Michigan. In Michigan. Smashing beers.

Are you being recognized? Are you recognized there? No, I didn't get recognized once. Not one time though. Not once. You gotta be crazy. Did I get recognized at all? A single time.

Not once. At a college frat party. Not once. And look at this, that was the stadium. That's called the big house in Michigan. You know what that looks like? Remember when Bane took off that football field? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I wish that would happen there. They did a flyover. How great would it have been if Bane showed up and with a nuclear, you know what I mean? What would you have done? What would you have done? Nothing, you're not Batman, you're nothing! Sorry.

Sorry, sorry. I went crazy, sorry. That was so funny. Yeah, sorry. You had a great time. Good job. Fantastic. What did you do this weekend?

Nothing. I saw a movie. What'd you see? Oh my God, In the Mood for Love, you ever see it? Juan Karwai, beautiful movie. One of my favorite movies. One of my favorite movies now. What a movie.

Where do you find time? In the Mood for Love, dude. Look at this thing. Two Chinks in Love, that's what they should have called. No, no, I'll tell you about this movie. Two Edamame? This movie is so subtle. It's so subtle and like in the beginning,

I was like, oh, I'm done. I hate this. It's boring, right? I don't even know. Also halfway through like, what's going on here? But when you figure out what's going on, it just so nice. It's about forbidden love, dude. The kind of love that you and I have.

It's so forbidden. No, it's bidden. No, it's not. It's not bidden, dude. It's ours is very good. It's about two people that they know they can't link up. So they never do, but there's such love there. Because they're married or something?

Yeah, they're both married. Right. And it's like- What, do they work together? No, they're neighbors. Oh my God, that's an age-old story. And their couples are cheating. Oh, they're-

And they went to Japan. They took a trip to Japan. And so now these two are in this this, you know what I mean? Like a complex living next to each other and they reenact, you know what I mean? How their spouses got together. So they would go through the dialogue and scenarios and stuff right there. And then through the process, they fall in love,

but at the end they don't link up. And it's like, it's so sweet. It's like, I have fantasies of like your pink butthole, yeah, right? Yeah. And my penis, right? Yeah. And your, it's vibrating. Wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub w Exactly. You know what I mean? It's just missing. I want to switch the maggot. The maggot? The magnet, the magnet.

Is that what you call your penis, a maggot? It's sucked in, but I don't. Can't be. You and I have the same thing, dude. It's forbidden love. We're both pluses. I'm a minus. Yes.

You know what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How did I think about it? I'm a minus. You're a minus too. I'm a minus too. So does this guy, though his neighbor, the woman he's actually in love with,

does she look like his wife? Here's the interesting part of the movie. You never see their couples. Right. You always see the backside of their back. Right. Or their voice. You never see them because it makes the audience

not have any sympathy for them. Right. Right? Right. And so you're only focused on these two. And then like six years later, there's one scene where this dude goes, what's, why are you laughing?

Because that's gotta be something funny coming up. Oh, this is all boring? Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, one scene, one. No, no, forget it. No, no, I'm teasing. No, you're right. It's a comedy podcast and this is not a film analysis

podcast, so I won't say it. I get it. I'm joking. I don't think you are. Please. I think I'm meandering. I like the meandering. Okay, I'll tell you. I meandered about Michigan. We can cut it out, I'll tell you, I get it. I'm joking. I don't think you are. Please. I think I'm meandering. I like the meandering.

Okay, I'll tell you. I meandered about Michigan. We can cut it out to tell you. I'll tell you what it is. No, I meandered about football. You don't care about that. I know, I listened to the whole Michigan Michigan. It was like five seconds.

I don't know, I didn't like it. All right. You know what I mean? I don't like that. What was that? Him on the shoulder, drinking, drinking, let's go. Jealousy? Not jealousy.

Jealousy? It's a waste of time. He was swarmed with young women. Anyway. Running up to him, all these college girls goes, Macon, Macon. Dude, he was recognized by hundreds of young, beautiful college girls begging for Macon.

I thought you said that you weren't recognized. I said I wasn't. You were recognized. He was. From bad friends. All day, all day long. And then, cause you weren't around probably. Huh?

Oh, I know what you were doing. What do you mean I wasn't around? We were together. I know what you were. I took that video. I know what you were doing, dude. You do that thing't around? We were together. I know what you were- I took that video. I know what you were doing, dude. You do that thing. What am I doing?

Machismo. What's machismo? It's that confident thing where, you know when that lady at the Tuesday night said, when you're on the, on the, on stage? It's like this, you know, come on. Machismo? It's like this, I'm stoic, I'm a star, they get afraid.

Where I'm more open. I'm like more of an open book. Oh, you're saying I didn't get approached because of my machismo? No one knew who I was. Star power. Nobody knew who I was. How do they know him then?

Of course I got approached, you fucking moron. A million people took pictures with me. I'm the king, bitch. That's what I thought. Next. Can I finish my thing then? Yes, dude. God damn, dude.

No, actually it was rad. How many, the young kids that came up that love bad friends and you know how many times, what did I hear? A thousand times. Where's Bobby? A thousand times. Where's Bobby? Where's Waldo?

You are my where, where they're looking for you, baby. I'm more like Waldo. No, you're where, everyone was like, is Bobby with you? Is Bobby with you? They were freaking out. Anyway, I want somebody to draw like a where's Waldo, but with me in it, where's Bobby?

That's a good idea. That'd be fun. Put pandas in it. It'll be called, where's Bobby, there's Andrew. And I just a tall red headed guy standing out of a little crowd. It'll be a sea of Asians, where's Bobby? And there's Andrew.

Yeah, finish this movie though. Oh, so he goes, I'm in love with you, I gotta leave, right? He said that to the girl. Yeah, and where does he go? Where we're going? Singapore. Singapore, really? Yeah, he goes to Singapore and like months pass by,

he's trying to forget about her. So he's seeing other women now? No, he's just- No, he's still with his wife. No, his wife is gone. She died. No, they're separated. They stopped talking about her in the movie, right. Yeah, they stopped talking about her in the movie.

And he's out with a friend at a bar or whatever. And then while he's out with a friend, she flies to Singapore. His, the love, the unrequited love. The unrequited love. She smokes a cigarette. Does she know he's there? Yeah, she knows she's at her place.

She smokes a cigarette, right? And then he kept one of her slippers, his slippers that, you know what I mean, to remind? She takes the slippers and she just leaves. So he comes back and he looks at the cigarette and there's lipstick on it. Oh yeah. Right? Yeah.

And he sees, he can't find the slippers. So he knows she was there, but he never sees her again in his whole life. Wow. What? Are you being real right now? That's, wow. That, that was a stunning, I mean, I'm serious. And then five years later.

She died of emphysema. No? No. It's a non-smoking. So five years later, let me finish it. May I? I miss you so much. I knew you were gonna do that.

I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't believe you visited me in the hospital. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a cancer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So go. So the last scene Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a cancer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a go. So the last scene of the movie, right?

Yes. Six years later, she goes back to the apartment building, but now she has a kid. We don't know who the kid's from. Not the same, not her ex-husband. It could have been from her ex-husband. We don't know. We don't know, right?

And she wanted to visit the lady that rented her this place because she knew that she was leaving. And so from her apartment, or from where she was, she can look into where his bedroom was outside. He just happens to visit, you know what I mean? And they see each other through the window on these opposite kind of apartments. And he goes like, he kind of does this

and she goes and tears just start rolling down her eyes, but they don't link up. Oh, it's just in the mood for love, baby. And that's what I want. You're in the mood for love. I'm in the mood for love, dude. And that's the kind of romance I want. No, you actually want to be with someone.

No, no, no, I want, no, like in Paris, Texas, I love movies where it doesn't work. Is this a metaphor for your life? Right. Or is that what you want? You don't want that. It makes love more mysterious and like, I like- But it's infinitely sad.

I know, but I like the longing, like Dr. Zhivago, where he reaches her and then he dies. I just love the longing. I love the devastation. I like being out in my backyard by myself on the lawn chair like I do with a cigarette and I long for love. That's a wish can be true. That's a wish can be true.

Say it right! Say it right! Dude, when I'm in my mood, I'm in a good mood, I'm in a love mood. Say it right! Would you say when you're sitting on the lawn with your cigarette on your lawn chair, it's more that you're shorting more so than longing.

When you're on a lawn chair, your legs don't go to the bottom, do they? They don't. That's so funny. How hard is it for you to lift the back up? Sometimes I can't even lift it. That's like, yeah, I can't, yeah. You're longing for love, but I think you deserve real love.

I don't want, I want you to find- I don't think it's real. Yes, it is. It's not. What do you mean it's not real? It's not real. Love in general? I don't think it is. Well, there's different levels of love.

I believe that. We talked about this in the car ride. Being in love is a phrase I think is conflated by society to be this, who knows what that means, but you've loved, you loved your exes. That's all love. And then it ultimately never worked out. That's okay.

That doesn't- There's a longing. Love doesn't always- A shorting, I mean. There was a shorting. There was a shorting. The shorting with Bobby Lee. I know, but I haven't met the mysterious one.

But it's coming. It may. That's what I like about it. That's the longing. Yeah, like I met somebody, but she used to see somebody that we know. And- That's tough. I know, but she used to see somebody that we know. And- That's tough.

I know, but- Did they date or they hooked up? They dated. And in my mind, I'm like, that's exactly what I would want to do. She doesn't like me, but that's the kind of girl I want. How do you know she doesn't like you? I can just tell.

But just everything about her in terms of what I heard her say, her vibe, everything. God, I want to know who it is so bad. That's the one, I can't tell you. Not on the air, you can- I'll never tell you. Really? Yeah, because it's a shorting, dude.

This is a shorting? Yeah, I'm in the mood for love right now, dude. And it's like, it's a shorting situation, and it's like, you cannot know this. And sometimes when you're at an airport too, right? Yeah. Many times, this happened to me five or six times in my life, where a girl will walk by,

she'll lock eyes with you, and she'll smile, and she's beautiful, and I'll smile, right? And there's an instant, and you'll never see them again. That's awesome. It's so beautiful. I had a girl today, I went and opened my suitcase to get my charger out right behind me,

and I looked up and she was gorgeous. Yeah. And I just politely gave her a smile. Just politely, like one of these. Did she smile? And she went like this. No, that's not good. No, it wasn't good. Looked up.itely gave her a smile. Just politely like one of these. Did she smile? And she went like this. No, that's not good. No, it wasn't good.

Looked up. Yeah, yeah. Looked up and away. I've got a million of those. Yeah, yeah, those I'm used to. But I wasn't even, just a smile because I'm awkwardly unzipping in the tarmac tunnel. And so I'm like, sorry, like a sorry face, like sorry.

And she looked away as if peasant pig. To me, they don't even pretend to like, they'll look at me and they'll go. Like completely, not a shot, right? And you're like, okay, relax. I was just looking, you know? Yeah, she gave me that look like, hurry up you fucking potato-y piece of shit.

Pink fuck. I mean, she was gorgeous. And she just looked down on me so obviously. I was such a little pig. By the way, shout out to Muhammad who works at the Detroit airport, big fan of the show. He goes, will you please shout out me out on the podcast? I said, no, but I'm gonna.

He goes, Muhammad, it's easy to remember. I said his most common name in the world. Of course I'll remember Muhammad. Let me guess, Muslim. Huh? Muslim. Puerto Rican? Wow. Yeah, Tony would have hated this guy.

Yeah, Tony would. Keep that in. Yeah. No, Tony would have hated this guy. Yeah, Tony would. Keep that in. Yeah. No, no, no. But my therapist said Thursday to me, she goes, I go, well, you know, the girls that I like don't like me. And she goes, but you do the same to them. Like, what do you mean?

You know what she means. What do you think I mean? Because you probably, you probably like the wrong girls. Okay, continue. There's many women I believe who probably come and entered your life in different fashions and they're probably pretty right for you.

Yeah. But you want the other one. You want the one that's probably not. There's a danger, you know what I mean? It's also like, you know, I do that, like, you know, some girls look at me and, oh, he's short. You know what I mean? Pudgy, this and that. No. And I do the same to them too, physically.

She's short and pudgy. Yeah, so I go, I don't like it, you know what I mean? So my point is, is that there was this one girl I met and she was, you know, good, you know, more than average, I guess. But she does things like, you know, you, more than average, I guess. But she does things like, you know, you can see like her feeding the homeless. And she's like, you know,

there was this old man that lost his wife and she visited this old man every day for like a year. What a nice person. And had played chess with him. And you don't like this girl? No, I mean, to me it's like, I was like, boring! Yeah! Oh, you know what I mean? No time for fucking, you know what I mean? No, but my point is, is me it's like, I was like, boring! Yeah! Oh, you know what I mean?

No time for fucking, you know what I mean? No, but my point is, is that in my mind, I'm like, this is what I should be going for. Right, but you know what you are going for is- What it is, yeah. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, You know, all that shit, you know? Ladies and gentlemen, Diamond coming to the stage!

Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, You know what I mean? All that, and it's like, they don't help the homeless. You're looking for, what you're chasing after is Angelina Jolie, Billy Bob Thornton. Yeah, that's exactly what I'm going for, dude. But we don't want that. Yeah.

That's not feasible. It is feasible. It's not gonna be a long term, but you might not have a lot of time left. That's what I'm saying. Right, so let's find real love. No, why don't we just do the mood for love and just be in this-

It's better to burn out than to fade away. Constantly be in this tree. It's better to burn out than to fade away. I'd rather dream, I think. All right. It's like this business. It's like, I may never reach the levels that I've wanted to reach.

You're there. But I'm not. Where do you wanna be? Everywhere. Visa. Yeah, I wanna be like Visa. I wanna wanted to reach. You're there. But I'm not. Where do you wanna be? Everywhere. And- Visa. Yeah, I wanna be like Visa. I wanna be like- But I wanna, you know, it's that dream of like,

anything can happen at any time, but it never happens, but you're kind of always dreaming. But you're in it right now, don't you realize that? You're gonna look back in 20 years and go, oh my God, I was in it. I was making a podcast with my best friend. Yeah. It was one of the largest podcasts in the world,

like you're in it, it's great, we're here. Okay, so now find real love. Someone that respects you, enjoys you, appreciates you, really doesn't take advantage of you. Emotionally- That's up to the gods right now. I think you can help some of it. I can't.

Your therapist and I are saying the same thing. Am I echoing what your therapist said? Yeah, so then next we're gonna come here with a three foot five, 400 pound Samoan girl. Well that fits. Name Cuckoo. If the shoe fits. And I'm like, I did a three foot five, 400 pound Samoan girl. Well that fits. Name Cuckoo. If the shoe fits. And I'm like, I did it.

Bobby, I have to shit again. Yeah, yeah, I did what you said. All right, Cuckoo, go shit. That's not gonna happen. The key's against the wall. Anyway, and if your name is Cuckoo and 300 pounds and four foot whatever, no offense. Can you imagine that woman just slamming her food

to the ground as she listens to our show? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck! Like a double pineapple pizza. She's just like. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Fuck! You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, I mean, you know, but when you watch a movie like In the Mood for Love, you know, there's another movie I saw recently, Amelie, is the same kind of love, but they get together. They end up together.

In the Mopel. That's the old style, you end up together. Yeah, yeah, but when you, if you watch a movie like Omelette, it's that whole tease. You love the tease. You don't miss the tease? I'm sure you do. Yeah, but also the game that you have to play right now

seems exhausting. It's so exhausting. It seems like it's so tough. It's so hard. What a game. It's a game of death. You know, like McCone. Just like that Bruce Lee movie.

McCone learned a lesson the hard way in Detroit, didn't you, won't you? Tell me, tell me, tell me. I didn't say that, bum. Yeah, so I was with Andrew and Zach, Andrew's opener, after the show yesterday, and we were just sitting at the bar drinking, and they're like, we're gonna take it easy tonight.

And I was- We were having a nightcap after the show. I said, let's have one, and then let's all go to bed. Deserve it. Yeah, definitely deserve it. And then a girl from the show was DMing me. I was like, oh, she'd come hang out. And I was like, oh, OK, cool.

And I was like, all right, guys, I might head out as they're finishing their last drink. I was like, great. Left went to this piano bar. She was there with one of her other friends who she was. I should have been there. So it was fun. And we were all chatting and she's like, hey, we're going to get with our friends and go to this other bar across town. Like, let's go. Great.

You show up. It's two guys in this car. And they're not having it. And they just was not having it. The two guys in this car and they're not having it and Who's not having it the two guys in the car? They're like they're like no we're going home and the girls are like all right Sorry, wait wait these two girls with or already with two guys. That's right. They weren't at the time They're like oh, we're gonna meet our two hours. So you didn't know no, but they were all locked up and linked up You do Sherlock Holmes investigating before you even get into that situation I know but I was back at the do Sherlock Holmes investigating before you even get into that situation. I know, but I-

What the fuck are you doing? I was back at the hotel bar. Do you have a, are you seeing anybody? Did you ask that? I was back at the hotel bar before they had finished their drink. You gotta ask that. I turned around, I was like,

what the fuck are you doing? Yeah, yeah. Are you in a relationship right now? No. Great. Right. Let's go. You know what she did?

She wanted to be able to prove to her boyfriend that she could get you to show up to the bar. Yeah, dude, you were like, oh my God. And by the way, you waved as they drove away and he went home and just fucked the shit out of that girl thinking about your nerd ass waving. Have a good night. It reminds me of that one girl that flew me to that one city, right?

Just to take a fucking, a video, a photo. That happened, I don't wanna get into it, but that happened. That's crazy. That's crazy. Just to say hi. Just to take a fucking, a photo. That happened, I don't want to get into it, but that happened. That's crazy. That's crazy. Just to say hi. Just to say hi. That's it?

Yeah, and they had no other interests. Well, that girl just wanted to say hi to you. Yeah. But she was- He's 20 and you're 50. What does that mean? I think- No, just, no, wait, wait.

Let that sink in for a second. He's 25 and he's 53. So get it right if you're, well, I'm just saying get it right. If we're gonna sell fat. Yeah. I would like to call out the elephant in the room actually. What's up, dude?

There's a resentment. What's going on? No. Yeah. You know, when you, dude, dude, I don't think I know human behavior, dude. Yeah. It comes out in other ways.

There's really a resentment. He loaded up. Yeah, you loaded up, dude. I know human behavior, dude. Yeah. It comes out in other ways. Yeah, he loaded up. There's really a resentment. He loaded up, I saw. Yeah, you loaded up, dude. So what's up, dude? I love you, dude. Let's what? Get it out on the table.

I don't care, dude. I'm good. I'm just saying you should know better. I should know better. Oh, so it's based on- Wow. You care. Life experience.

Life experience, okay. Fair enough. Shane, he's been around the block and he's learned his lesson a few times, but he going back to the well, even though he knows it's poison water. And it. Okay, well, let me tell you something.

Poison water does taste good. It really does. It does taste good. So he's swimming. Let the kid swim. He'll get out of the well when he's ready to get out of the well. Yeah.

But right now it's a deep dark hole and it's hard to get out because someone's got to throw him a bucket. I'm not in a deep dark hole. Of lust. Yeah, you're looking for lust. I'm not in a deep dark hole, I'm not. You're looking for lust. No, not. You're looking for lust.

No, dude, you got it all wrong. There's no love. You got it mixed. I got it mixed up? Yeah, in your head. All right. So last thing, I don't want to talk about this anymore, but I just want to say that,

don't. I'm sorry. All right. It's the ozempic, you know. Yeah, I hear it. It's the ozempic. Is that, you're like a whale that has to come up for air. I know.

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I really am. I'm so, I'm pretty content man. I know you are. With being where I'm at. I really am. I'm so, I'm pretty content, man. I know you are. Yeah, so, you know, I watch movies and I go, oh, that's, you know, I relate to those themes. And I think I've always been like a dreamer. I can tell you it's coming though. And it's not.

It's coming, I feel it. I had a daydream about it the other day. It's coming. Let's make a bet. Well, I mean, when do you think it's coming though. And it's not. It's coming, I feel it. I had a daydream about it the other day. It's coming. Let's make a bet. Well, I mean, when do you think it's gonna come? You guys wanna make it take a bet? Time wise? Yeah, in a year?

Well, yeah, within a year. Yeah. I mean, I feel like, okay, I feel like fans, you don't think it's coming, right? Be honest. I don't think you are letting it come. Oh, interesting. Interesting take.

Interesting take. Kid? I don't know, do they often come with you? Yeah, I'm done. Oh my God. It was right there. I know, it's just like, I thought. It was right there.

Bob, come on back. Great. Go, McCone, do your job your job great I'm gonna eat a donut yeah I'm a fat fuck I can't make anyone that's what you're saying that's not true yeah you really put you know I was pretty feeling pretty good about myself until now I was boosting you pretty good about myself until now. I was boosting you up. I know, but this guy really, you really-

Don't listen to him, his opinion doesn't mean shit to you. I mean, it really hurt my feelings though. Apologize. No, I don't, that I don't even, it's not gonna help. I've had enough of it. Every week, every episode. All right. It's a slam about my weight.

It's a slam about how, you know what I mean? I can't satisfy women. You do a dick size joke last episode. You want them gone? I don't want them to gone, no. Maybe I like the pain. It's about all that whole mystery thing. The shorting. Yeah, yeah.

Because you slam me, you both slam me, slam me, slam me. But one day the dragon will awaken and when you know what happens when the dragon gets awoken. Breeds fire. God damn, you know about mythologic, mythologic entity. You know who's gonna get lit up. What?

Yeah. Exactly dude. That booth is gone. Like smog. Yeah. That's Mount Doom right there and I'm smog. Another Lord of the Rings reference in your face. So my point is is this no honestly

It was the Hobbit yes It was the Hobbit yeah, very good I love when I want to say they call but yeah Call but you know, but can I say something? I'm gonna say it anyway Why do I keep saying that I always say this is the thing or can I say some all that stuff, right? I'm gonna try to get rid of all that stuff. The true you person is your person. I know, but I catch myself doing it.

Let me tell you something, I say that all the time. Thank you. But a day will come, and this is not, I'm not making a joke out of it, because I know myself. Yeah. It's just gonna, I'm gonna go into a red zone. Snap.

Yeah, I'll snap like my dad used to. And over the years I've tempered, I've been very mindful about my, because I don't wanna be like my dad. So I see these little triggers and stuff and I try to maintain it, like, don't be like your dad. Because once my dad got in a red zone, he beat my mama, he beat all of us up,

it was fucking terrible, right? And I know that I have that in me, right? Once I hit a red zone, dude, look out. Look out. Look out, dude. So you can poke me all you want, okay? But when I get there, dude, look out. You're not gonna like it, okay?

I think you'll find love in the next year. Not only one, no. That part's too late. You already said that I can't make a woman come, dude. That's too late. Is this bad that when you said poke me, I just instantly got that Pillsbury Doughboy image in my head of when you said that?

Now you're doing it. No, no, no, but it's not. Now you're doing it. No, no, it's not you. I'm saying it's just the image it got in my head because poke me is such a funny, it's such a funny word. When you guys, you guys keep pissing on his step, you think he's not gonna come out?

Exactly. He cleans it every day politely. I cleaned it every day, dude. But he's gonna come on and catch you with your dick in your hand, and that's gonna be the beginning of the end for you. Beginning, the beginning too. And I say this out loud because I'm really trying

to address a secondary issue. To the guy in my neighborhood that lets his dog piss on my fence, I'm gonna fucking for you. Beginning too. And I say this out loud because I'm really trying to address a secondary issue. To the guy in my neighborhood that lets his dog piss on my fence, I'm gonna fucking kill you. I'm gonna find you and I'm gonna kill you. Let's get it out, dude. I see him on the cam. We have a camera. Hey, hey, guy.

We see you on the cam, dude. I'm gonna beat the living shit out of this guy. The dog pisses on my fucking door, on my fucking gate. And I see it. No, but can I just, can I? When I was in Wisconsin, I saw it and I was like, I'm gonna break a neck. Can I make an argument against that though,

a little bit? Pissing on my door? Yeah, I wanna be side with the guy. Side with the guy? Why are you siding with the guy whose dog pisses on my house? Because I know your behavior! What did I do to this guy? I know you!

What did I do to him? That's why I'm siding with the guy, guy. Okay. What did, what? Go aside- The the coast it's the same thing as the coaster thing? The coaster of not having a drink on my table. Yeah, don't have a drink at my table I know but you're I hate you gotta put the coaster on right like that right what is that? I can do with the dog pissing on my door watch Hey, don't walk on that carpet. You mean oh you can't smoke in the back. I saw I was there Don't smoke in the room. It's don't smoke in the back. It saw it. I was there. Don't smoke in the back.

Don't smoke near the kids. It goes down to don't piss on the fence. It's all a part of the same. I've never said that to him, because that's just a thing we know. You don't let your dog piss on someone's door. But it's a part of the same thing that you have. Anxiety?

Yes. Get rid of that. Can't. Yeah. Almost threw up this morning. You have issues. Thinking about having to fly back here to do this show with you. I do have issues. So do you. Yeah. Almost threw up this morning. Deal with that because you have issues. You have issues. Thinking about having to fly back here to do this show with you.

I do have issues, so do you. Yeah. Hey guy, don't worry about it. Keep pissing on the fence. Yeah. Dude, it's your own issue, dude. You gotta grow, dude, like I'm growing. I'm gonna piss right on you right now.

Piss in my mouth, I don't give a fuck. Oh, you would like that. Because my point is, all right, so dude, guy, whatever the name of it, shit on his lawn. I don't care if he shits on my lawn. Piss on whatever, do it. Piss on my lawn.

Yeah, diarrhea on the fence. No, you can't poop on the fence. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Please don't piss on the fence. Sir, please don't do that. Sir, keep doing it. Please, sir. It's about growth.

Yeah, and you should grow up, sir, and stop having- If I get Andrew to grow? Well, you're gonna have to bail me out of jail when I fucking murder this guy. See, that's the kind of talk I don't like. And I'm saying it right now. I'll testify for myself. Yeah, I did it.

Yes, I did. Kill that motherfucker. That'll be me getting hard for jail. What's up, bitch? I'm going away for a little bit. Motherfucker dog, piss on my motherfucking dog. Bitch. California's a stand your ground state,

which means that you can defend yourself without retreating if you're threatened, right? Imminent danger. I don't even know what that means. What does that mean? If someone's threatening to kill you, if someone's literally threatening your life, you can defend your life.

Okay, let me give you an example. I walk into my house, right? And there's a man there. Doesn't matter what he looks like, does it? In this scenario. I could tell you what I think he looked like. Go ahead. Tall, skinny white guy from Northern California.

Six, nine. Fresno, yeah, Fresno guy. Six, nine. Six, nine. Yeahno, yeah, Fresno guy. Six, nine. Six, nine. Yeah, big head. Huge. Long though. Very long. I can see it balding like Carlos.

Patchy. Patchy on the side. Yeah, patchy. Right, bags under the eyes. Huge. No Adam's apple. No, it's an Eve apple more than anything. What does that mean?

It's chunked away because he's been stabbed, cut. Oh my God. Yeah, it's an Eve Apple. He's wearing no shirt. It's a wife beater, but yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I can envision a medical tag. He's fresh out.

Dude, that's you. I see it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you see it now? Yes. A medical tag. Yep. Right?

And then, you know what I mean? Mommy tattoo. Mom. Mom, but with a cross. Cross through it, she's dead to me. Yeah, yeah. Daddy cross. And then daddy crossed out, but that one's a tramp stamp.

It's daddy right above his butt. Exactly. Yeah. Right, and then there's a God bless JD. God bless JD. Not JD Vance. Who is it? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. J period D period. J period D period, who is it? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

J period D period. J period D period. Who is it? That's John DeLorean, Jeffrey Dahmer. Yes. Jeffrey Dahmer. God bless Jeffrey Dahmer. Jeffrey Dahmer, God bless Jeffrey Dahmer, right. He has a speech impediment.

Sort of. Yeah, yes, exactly. Skip, skip, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But except when he says Asian slurs, Asian slurs. Comes out perfectly. Comes out perfectly. Yeah. Like, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you,

you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you,

you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, hands, guys? Oh, in each of his hands? Yeah, one hand is what? One hand is one of those stress balls, just an old school stress ball.

The rubbery kind? The one that's got sand. Or the Benoit ball feet? No, sand, sand, it's got sand. Oh, the sand one, right? Sand one, yeah. Sand one. So I don't own one of those, that's his.

He brings it with him everywhere he goes. Wow. Other hand. It calms me down. I put his. There he goes. Wow. Other hand. It calms me down. I could have seen. Right, right. Right hand, right hand. Right, what is it?

You tell me. Yeah, what, oh, I know what it is. I can see it. Yeah, yeah. Can you see it? Yeah. Look at that. Okay, what do I see, dude?

I see scales. I know what it is. Whoa. I know what it is. What? It's a crocodile hand. A croc hand. He killed a crocodile. And stole his hand?

In Mississippi in 1987 with his uncle Joey, right? Oh wow. A baby crocodile. Oh, a baby. Yeah, and he just like tore it apart, right? And then he took the skin and he made this glove. He's had it in the club for years. Whoa.

It's like, there's got like a little jacket, like a Freddy Krueger, like style. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, yes, yeah. And he's just kind of doing this with the Benoit balls like this. Right. And he growls like a croc. Right?

Now, if I'm not walking out of the house by now, what am I doing? You're interested in what he's up to. Oh, you know what? Because it's not imminent danger, cause he's just hanging out. Right, it's now at this point, can I kill him? No, he hasn't threatened you. Dude, it's fucking scary though. He hasn't threatened your life.

Right. He's gotta threaten your life. We saw it right here, look. Is it imminent danger? And he goes. No. Then he goes, could I give you a hug? Could I give you a hug? That's not violent, right?

No. Right, and I go, no. Would you say the yes or no? Ha ha ha ha ha. Can I give you a hug? I'll shake your hand. I'll give you a pound. I'll give you a pound.

That's better. You don't wanna, you know, man. Are you a Bad Friends fan? I would say that. Oh yeah. You wanna take a picture? Okay, so ask me. And you'd be like, I, I, say that. Oh yeah. You wanna take a picture? Okay, so ask me. And he'd be like,

can I, can I, can I give you a hug, hug, hug? Chinaman. Chinaman. I think I would. You would? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what he'd really do?

He'd be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Where's Bobby? I can get him. That's what I'd say. I can get him, whoa, whoa, whoa. Where's Bobby? I can get him. That's what I say. I can get him for you. Oh, you're there now too? I'm in my house.

Oh, he's in your house now? He came to my house first. How do you think he got to your house? Oh, that's right. I sent him to your house. Oh, you sent him to my house? Don't do that. What the fuck, dude?

He wanted to see you. Oh, right. He really, I mean, does that sound more like your fans than mine? Why do you do that? I'm just kidding. Why do you do that? I'm just kidding. I love when you do that. Okay, let's move on, but I love do you do that? I'm just kidding. Why do you do that? I'm just kidding.

I love when you do that. Okay, let's move on, but I love when you do that. Why do you do that? It's just silly. You know what I mean? Anyway. All right, dude. But if you sent it to my house,

you wouldn't have called me and go, dude, I sent a guy to your house. I would send McCone to film it. I'd have him outside. Oh, so you're there. Well, this guy has something for the internet. Yeah, you know what, dude? I think what I would do in that scenario is I'll just shoot him. Shoot him. And just let the fucking lawone to film it. I'd have him outside. Oh, so you're there. Well, this guy has something for the internet. Yeah, you know what, dude? I think what I would do in that scenario is

I'll just shoot him. Shoot him. And just let the fucking law take care of it. But you don't have a gun. Oh, that's right. I have swords. A katana? I have like a bunch of swords at home.

Could you ever be able to stab somebody for real? Oh yeah, with a sword, yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. I practice. What do you practice? I go on my fucking balcony and I practice. You swing it around. I do scenarios like this.

Come around here. I do the whole fucking thing, dude. Yeah, he'd be dead. Really? Yeah, I have like katanas and stuff. Wow. How many do you have? Three.

Are they special? Were they like branded for you? Well, they're not like made by a sensei, but I've got them in Chinatown. So they're made, probably made by- They're pretty sharp. Probably made in China. Yeah, they're sharp.

I mean, they're not the ones that they used to, like Ronin or samurai used to use back in the day. Those are like real, you know what I mean? Is a samurai expensive? Yeah, I wanna know, I wanna buy one. Is this a real samurai? What's the most expensive samurai sword you can get? Oh my God.

Well, it's probably, it's gotta be priceless. I mean, what is that? $79.99? No, the most expensive, dude. That's the kind of shit I have. I'm not trying average first. Yeah, the average one is a couple hundred dollars. Most expensive samurai sword in the world.

Oh, the most expensive Japanese sword in the world is Fukushima Mansori Samurai Tachi priced at a hundred million. Yeah, can we go in the middle there? I mean, what the fuck? From $5 to a hundred million? You want a Tachi or not? I know, I want a Tachi priced at 100 million. Can we go in the middle there? I mean, what the fuck, from $5 to a hundred million? Well, you want a Tachi or not? I know, I want a Tachi, but there's no way I can get one.

A hundred million, look at how beautiful that is. Yeah, how about like this, a $10,000 Samurai sword, do that. That's a lot of money. I know, but that seems like the right price for a high-end one. Oh, let me look at that one. That sounds like a good price.

$1,200? Yeah. That sounds, I mean- Yeah, cause you're never gonna use it. But this sounds like a good price. $1,200? Yeah. That sounds, I mean- You're never gonna use it. But this sounds like you're going to, the Swords of Northshire. Yeah, I'd get one of those. I guess we gotta buy a Shin Gun Toh, Sado Arakai.

Or any Bad Friends fans that are into metalwork. If you can make one for us. If you can make a really good samurai sword, we'll promote it. Of course I will. We'll put it, we have to hang it right up. Yeah, we'll hang it. Of course I will. We'll put, we have to hang it right above. Yeah, we'll hang it, no, I'm gonna hang it at my house. Well, we want it for the show.

We'll get two then. We'll dupe it. No, anyone that's, because we know, there's gotta be a guy out there that knows how to do metal. Guarantee. Guarantee one of them. I guarantee it. Like a real authentic Japanese samurai sword.

And I want, you also, I like the engraving into the steel. Yeah, they like stamp it. Like a symbol. Yes. You know what I mean? Yeah, what is that? It's the steel. Yeah, they like stamp. Like a symbol. Yes. You know what I mean? Yeah, what is that? It's a samurai sword that's back here. How much is it?

I don't know. Where the fuck did that come from? Where did that come from? It's been in the back, I saw it one day. Let me see it, let me see it. Come here, bring it over here. Wait, seriously? Yeah.

It's like a real sword. How long have we had this? Wow, dude. Three years. Someone gave it to Rudy for sure. Yeah, it's not sharp at all. You're not even flicking your finger. It's nothing.

Oh, there it is. I can hear it. Yeah, it's not sharp at all. Wow. It makes it even more dangerous. Why? Because dull blades are more dangerous than sharp ones. Why is that?

Because you're more likely to cut someone. Let me see. Really? That sounds so stupid. Then why wouldn't every samurai sword be dull? Yeah, why would samurais in movies constantly sharpening their swords? Why would I sharpen any of my fucking knives then?

Yes, dull knives are more dangerous than sharp knives. Dull knives require more force to cut, increases the chance of knives slipping and causing injury. A dull knife, you have less control over the blade's direction, for example, when cutting a cantaloupe. This is talking about kitchen knives. Yeah, dude. That's swords.

Generally. More likely to bounce. This is like nerd stat. This is a real sharp samurai sword. They don't make a dull fucking sword. No samurai. Imagine the samurais go out and they come back and the master's like, how did you perform?

Yeah, yeah. Who did you kill? Let me, I'll be the samurai. You be the samurai. How did you perform? How many you killed? I injured four people. But you killed them.

I injured four people. What do you mean? One man I gave a light beard trim to. Okay, okay. But what about Tochi Hona? The one that I told you to go kill? Yes, I tried. What happened to To Yes, I tried to kill him. But what ended up happening? Tell me. I ended up giving him a massage with a sword. What do you mean? I was stabbing him in the back. He died. He said to the left, to the right, to the left.

Were you like a spermacist? Kind of. Oh my god. And then he made me wash his feet after Yeah, it was now when I told you to get the sword you got the sharp sword on it. Um Did you go to the about that blacksmith? I told you to go to blacksmith about that. Yeah. Yeah, tell me I Read somewhere on the internet Oh on the internet that the dull sword is more dangerous. Oh, did Sencai Mokon tell you that? Sencai Mokon, I told you he's a dumb dumb.

Wow. Wow, dude, unbelievable. Yeah, this is not sharp at all. This is actually oddly dull. Getting stabbed or cut, worst literal way to die. I'm pretty sure, yeah, I'm not really. Stabbed to death? No.

Stabbed. Burning is probably, you probably lose sensation after a little bit. I'd rather get stabbed to death than die buried alive in a coffin. I'm talking about someone doing harm, setting you on fire, drowning you, stabbing you. Shooting, stabbing, drowning, setting you on fire.

I can't be buried alive be a part of the equation. That's a long play. What do you mean it's a long play? And also buried alive wouldn't hurt that much. You die of carbon dioxide poisoning. You would die, but the- You would just fall asleep. The 24 hours of panic though.

I think you'd only panic for like 10, and then you'd be done. 10 minutes? 10 hours. Yeah, that's insane. I know, but then- The sweating, you're scratching at the, there's no way.

But then think about all the relief of the shit you don't have to do anymore. Or you know what I- At the 10th hour, you're like, I guess I don't have to go to the podcast today. Or I could do I- At the 10th hour you're like, I just don't know if I can do the podcast today. Uma Thurman. And punch through, putt!

Skag! Yeah. Skag! Oh wow. But you'd fall asleep. So rather be, I feel like we've talked about this before, like how would we wanna die?

Have we? I don't know. That's like basic 101 podcast, you know what I mean? Scenario, really. How would you wanna die? Like that. Rock it money!

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A hilarious new standup special from comedy legend Jim Gaffigan is coming to Hulu just in time for the holidays. Jim Gaffigan, the skinny, is now streaming. In this all new hour of comedy, you'll see Jim in a whole new light as he gives you the inside scoop on everything from parenting teenagers and gaslighting family members to weight loss and social media in Hulu's very first stand-up comedy special. Come shed some existential weight and raise a glass with a hilarious event from one of America's most iconic and relatable comics. Whether you're gathered together with family and friends or need a break from them, everyone needs a happy hour. And who better to give it to you

than everyone's favorite comedian, Jim Gaffigan. See the Hoolerius new stand-up special, Jim Gaffigan, the skinny, now streaming on Hulu. Let's interview, I wanna interview one of these kids from the colleges. You wanna put one of these kids on the air? Why not? I'll go pick one.

Let Bobby pick. I'll go pick one. 100%. I could tell this one was the one that definitely wanted to be on. Yeah, I know. She was a little chatty when she walked in. Yeah, real chatty.

What's your name, chatty? Inconfident. My name is Alex, nice to meet you. Alex, great to meet you as well. You're confident, huh? I'm comfortable. This is a fun chair. It's squeaky.

Alex, are you a savage? I'd like to think I am. What does savage mean? It's an old slang term. I don't use it anymore. Yeah, it's also, it's very un-PC to have that on your shirt. Considering the fact that you're sitting on stolen land.

Uh-oh. Yeah, that's very dangerous to do. You're perpetuating something that's very, very dangerous. And I got to tell you, Alex, this is very scary. It's not a good way to start. I'm just kidding with Alex, clearly. It's spooky season, it's okay. Thank you.

Alex, where are you from? I'm from Connecticut. They're all from Connecticut, right? Doesn't everybody live out there? Oh, I can tell. Hartford. No, West Haven. Oh, West Haven girl.

Yeah, right next to New Haven, so. I hate Hartford, Connecticut. No, you don't. Don't say that. The club there. We don't hate it. I don't like the club there. You don't hate anything about it.

Funny bone. I know, you hate it. Yeah. Yeah. Alex club there. You don't hate anything about it. Funny bone. I know you hate it. Yeah. Yeah. Alex, what year are you? I'm a grad student. Yeah, I was gonna say, you don't look like you're a first year.

Like some of the people he brings in, they look like fresh off of the, like fresh off the boat, bright eyed, bushy tail. What's your degree? In the cinematic production management graduate program. What do you want to do? Be an assistant director or producer. AD is a good job.

Yeah. She kind of looks like one. An AD? No, like an assistant director or producer. That's what an AD is. That's what I just said. Yeah. I could scare some people on set.

You do look like an AD. You have the energy of an AD. For people at home that don't know what that means, you look like you are organized. Oh, thank you. You have to be really organized. You have to, and you look- You have to handle so much information at one time.

And you should be good at talking shit about people right after they leave, but they don't hear you. Exactly. That's what you do. I can feel that so hard. Okay, so let's do a scene. Andrew and I are in a movie you're producing, right? We do a scene.

Well, she's not gonna be a director, so she's not gonna direct. I know, but she's gonna talk shit about me because I'm a We do a scene. Well, she's not gonna be a director, so she's not gonna direct. But I know, but she's gonna talk shit about me because I'm a bad actor, right? No, she's not. Yeah, so let's, so I'm gonna, we're gonna do a scene. Yeah. And then I'm gonna walk away like,

all right, I'm wrapped, right? And then she's gonna talk shit about me. To me. Yeah, to you. Okay. Because you're the other actor. All right. Yeah. Francisco, where is my medallion?

I don't have it. Francisco, you have it. I don't fucking have your medallion. I don't have it. Francisco, you have it. I don't fucking have your medallion. Adios, my friend. Cut. All right, I'm gonna go get some coffee. Please. All right, see you later. Good seeing you, man.

Different coverage or? Yeah, I think we were good. We're just gonna use my side. Really? Audio. I want that to be in there. Adios. Okay. All that. We'll take it. Okay, I'll see you later. See you later. Okay. Wow, that to be in there, audios. Okay. All that. Okay, I'll see you later.

Okay. Wow, that was rough. Bad, huh? Yeah, I think we may need to find someone new. You do? Is there any other actors that you have in mind that we can replace? Hey guys, I'm back.

Oh God, the coffee. Would you get me a coffee? Oh sure, do you want one? Yeah. Yeah, what do you want in it? Just cream and sugar. Okay, I'll be right back. Thanks.

All right. Is there any other actors that you replace him with? Literally anyone else. But off the top of your head, who would come to mind? A be right back. Thanks. All right. Is there any other actors that you replace him with? Literally anyone else. But off the top of your head, who would come to mind? A big actor. John Cena. John Cena.

Hey, dude, the coffee's good. Okay. Dude, it's weird. Oh no, I wanted it black. I'm so sorry. I just saw John Cena. Oh, he's here? What is he doing here?

Nothing, as far as I know. Maybe he's swinging by to say hi. Anyway, he's wearing the same exact thing I'm wearing. He is. Yeah, it's fucking weird. I think that's how he shows love. Wait, he's wearing the same exact thing I'm wearing. He is. Yeah, it's fucking weird. I think that's how he shows love. Wait, he's- Will you, can you go grab him for us? Hold on, but we're in Toronto,

and he's wearing what I'm wearing, and it's weird. I texted him and told him what you were wearing. Oh, okay, anyway, you want to- Just black coffee. Black coffee, and you- Thank you, thanks. Okay, go. Thank God, I was worried that he wasn't gonna make it.

I was so nervous about that. Yeah, because we gotta get this guy the fuck out of here. Yeah, I think it's time. It is very much. Anyway, I do it, dude, it's so weird. I'd like you to- I just ran into John. Alex. And I just told John, I go, get the fuck out of here.

No. Yeah, and he left. Wow, okay. Yeah, because he was, you know what he was like, I'm here to replace him. I go, that's not even real. Is that right? Yeah, and I go, get the fuck out of you, piece of shit. What a coincidence.

And he just got in the car and left. So you got the camera? Well, before we roll, Alex, I think I had to say something to you. Yeah, you're doing- Thank you. Action. Where's the medallion?

I don't have you. Adios, my friend. Cut. Alex, good job. Thank you. And you danced around the lights as well. Awesome, dude. This grad school- That was very good. That grad Alex, good job. Thank you. And you danced around the lights as well. Awesome, dude. This grad school- That was very good.

That grad school's paying off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was very good. Hopefully. Do you like Fancy? I do, I love him. Every single time that I see him pop up on my little Instagram when you guys post about him,

I take a screenshot and I send it to our group chat and I'm like, oh my God, look who it is. And I get, I make him get so embarrassed, especially when he gets recognized in public. I make fun of him. Wait, he gets recognized? He gets recognized? No, be real.

No, he does. We were at the Grand Central Market at Nono's Empanadas and there was a guy working behind the counter, recognized him and he got so embarrassed. It was so adorable. You take all these kids to Grand Central Market, huh? That's your move? behind the counter, recognized him. And he got so embarrassed. It was so adorable. You take all these kids to Grand Central Market, huh? That's your move?

That's like your date spot. Because he knows. He goes to the same spot. He knows he's gonna get recognized. 100%. That's why he takes him there. Yeah. Hey, Fancy, what's up, dawg?

Hey, can I say something? He gets so shy. No, he fakes it. He fakes the shy and like, oh no, you know, this and that, but he loves it. Yeah. It's so gross. It's gross.

Because in his heart he's like, I'm the man, but he wants to act like, oh, I'm an affector. You recognize me? You recognize me? How could you recognize me? Oh, gross! Piece of shit, dude. People should start coming up to him more then.

Yeah. No, people need to come up to him. You're a piece of garbage, dude. That's so gross. Fuck you, fancy. Yeah, fuck off, dude. So he gets recognized. That's insane. He does you, fancy. Yeah, fuck off, dude. So he gets recognized. That's insane.

He does. He deserves it. Why does he get recognized? He's the best. He is great. We love him so fucking much. He's okay. He's literally papa to us.

He's a papa to you? Yeah, like literally when I first heard about the Q and LA program, I asked my friend Grace who came up here and she was like, oh my God, Andres is papa. He is your father. Wow. Like as soon as you come up here. Zaddy, if that will?

Indeed. Yeah, you're a Zaddy. But wait, do you fly there to teach or is it Zoom? They come to it. They come to you. To me, okay. Yeah, he won't go all the way to us. We have to go all the way to him.

But do you understand everything that he says all the time or no, do you guys occasionally catch yourself going, what the fuck? We smile and wave. You do, yes, that's good. We nod. Yes, goodbye, thank you. You do that to him.

Smart, good. Like what kind of movie would you produce if you wanted to produce one? Let's say him and I were like, you know what I mean? The new Weinstein. But not, not. Yeah. Yeah.

Cinemax. We're the Cohen brothers. You could have picked anybody else. All right, so what movie did you choose? Don't forget, we're just, you know what I mean? We're just Jews. I'm, we're the Feinstein. We're the Feinstein.

The movie's called Just Jews. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I'm Lodz Feinstein. This is Frank Feinstein. We're the Feinstein brothers. Feinstein brothers. Picture some movie. Picture a movie?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. How you doing? My back, I'm sorry. Feinstein brothers. Picture some movie. Picture a movie? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How you doing? My back, I'm sorry. Oh, you can hold. You know what? What, what Frank? Okay. We were like, go ahead.

All right, like any movie or? You're not gonna say anything? I'm his brother, Frank. Oh, you're doing regular voice. This is how I talk. Oh, exactly. That's how you've always talked. I know, I know.

That's how I always talk. It's a choice.'s how you've always talked. I know, I know. That's how I always talk. Hey, wait, oh. It's a choice. Oh, I think you guys would be really good in an overly dramatic soap opera, given your personalities. Ooh.

Ooh, that's interesting. But I thought you were pitching us a movie, not analyzing our, you know what I mean? Well, I mean, a great movie already takes into account their actor's potential behavior, so that's what I think. That sounds like school. Yeah. That sounds like school did that to you. Yeah, yeah. Yeah? She's right so that's what I think. That sounds like school. Yeah. That sounds like school did that to you.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah? She's right, she's gonna be good. Yeah. You really are gonna be good, huh? Aw, thank you. And then you'll be able to say you knew me when. Whoa, that is bold.

It's a tough business. Yeah, but we'll see, we'll see. It's a really tough business. It is, isn't it? And him and I have gone through the- Ringer. Ringer for many, many years. him and I have gone through the- Ringer. Ringer for many, many years. We're still being rung.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, but I think we're seeing the bright side of, the sunny side of our hard work. Yeah, but you know what it feels like to me? It's still a grind, it feels like. The business feels like, you know what drive-through car wash, you ever been in a drive-through car wash, you know, you're at the gas station.

It's magical. Right, it is, isn't it? But you know what happens when you're in the dead middle of it, you're like, whoa, look at all that soap. And all of the fucking arms wanna be all over your car. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know what starts happening? You start to see that the end is coming.

You see it and you see it and you get closer and it inches you closer and you're like, wait, what about I wanna do the soap again? And then you look to the rear, right? And you see Matt Rife back there. There he is. Getting rubbed. Yeah.

Right, right? And you're like, oh, I might think, and ahead of you is like Tom Papa. An old guy. Does that mean? He's a great guy, but not like Steve Kravitz or something or whatever. Right.

Yeah, yeah. And you're like, oh, should I see the end of this? And then a big guy comes over to you and just blows on you to get you dried off and you're all dry and you're like, oh shit, I see the end of this. And then a big guy comes over to you and just blows on you to get you dried off and you're all dry and you're crackling and your hands look old and your face is all fucking weird now. And then nobody wants you to go through the car wash anymore.

Yeah. That's so sad. Yeah, but that's life. Welcome to the biz, kid. You teach that shit at your fucking dumb little school? I forgot that part. Yeah, well read the book. Read the book on the biz that me and the kids wrote.

I'm inspired. But then sometimes you see a car go back around and go through the car wash again. Yeah. So life is just a car wash. I've seen a couple of cars go back. I've seen a car go back in. Yeah.

And then they get again in their sixties and you're like, oh, we can go back maybe. Yeah, do you believe you're that car? I think I'm already back in though. You're back in for your second time. I would argue, some would argue it's maybe your third time. It could be my third time back in the car wash. Right.

I'd cut in line. I'm almost out of my first one. No, you're in the second one. I'm in the first one. No, you're in the second one. I never went through. I have my ticket still. I'll show you.

I never went through the first time. I think Workaholics, not Workaholics, Mixology. Mixology wasn't on that show. Mixology. A failed sitcom. I never went through the first time. I think Workaholics, not Workaholics, Mixology. Workaholics wasn't on that show. Mixology. The failed sitcom. I know, I think Mixology, that whole time period with Pongt, and that whole little, it was your first time in the car wash.

Let me tell you something. Pre-wash. What? That was pre-wash. That was all pre-wash. That was the vacuum in the carpet and stuff. That's all that was. Well then if that's the case, I'm in my first wash then. You're in your second wash.

No, I'm in my first wash. Guys, he's in his- Mad TV. Mad TV. That was just like Mixology. Fuck you, it's the case. I'm in my first wash then. You're in your second wash. No, I'm in my first wash. Guys, he's in his- Mad TV. That was just like mixology. Fuck you. It's so stupid. That's a bad joke. It was a cultural iconic show.

Shut up. That was your first one. Anyway. Do we know this to be true? We do. How old are you? I'm 21. Okay, so you don't know any of this.

You don't know what we're talking about. No, not with it. You don't even know. You don't know what mad TV is? No. Oh, wow. Oh my God. Do you know what 9-Eleven was?

Absolutely. How? My parents talked about it. Couple of old whites, they would. They would talk about it. Right when she's born. Yeah. You know, 9-Eleven happened close to here.

Oh, that she's a baby. Alex. Let's do it. You know why it was so hard to get you into this country? Because of the flight restrictions. How old were you when you came to the United States, Alex? I was actually one year old. Oh my god.

That's the one year old Alex. And sweetheart, it took us so long. No karate. We said no karate. Sweetheart. We told you it took you so long to get here because of planes that hit buildings. Okay. So that's pretty cool.

That's pretty cool. Good for you, Alex. Alex, okay, we love Alex very much. Thank you so much. We're gonna find somebody else, but it was a great interview. Are you a fan of the show, by the way? Do you know us?

I can tell she's not. No? No, I actually didn't know. She's definitely not. But I have since followed the Instagram. You don't have to, it's okay. No, I wanna see all of Andreas that pops up. Okay, good, please do.

To make fun of him. Please watch him. All right, should we get one more student or no? Do you wanna just talk a little bit? All right, Alex, you can jump back out. Thank you. You're the fucking best, Alex. Alex was great.

Your vibe is great. Your personality is great. Love you. We love you. Let's do one more interview, maybe. Are you picking another person? Great. Yeah.

Two guys raising their hands. Well, let them go. Yeah, let them go. Are the both of mics turned on? They're roommates. Yeah, they're roommates. Yeah, we've heard this game before. Yeah.

Yeah, we're roommates, dad, I promise. Yeah. Sit in that chair there. This guy, I really like. Yeah, I do. This guy, your vibe I like. I remember you. You walked in first, right?

Yes. Grab the microphone. Grab the mic, put it right to your mouth. Remember to vocalize. Are you nervous? Get closer to the mic, two-face. Sounds like the old days. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Get closer to the mic. Are you nervous? You seem nervous. Well, this yeah. Closer to the mic. Are you nervous? You seem nervous. Well, this is, yeah, I get it. Are you nervous? A little bit. Yeah, a little bit. So what year are you guys at school?

Freshmen, both of you? No, I'm a grad student. Seriously? How old are you? 21. Grad student at 21, right. Do you get out of school at 21? How old are you?

I'm 20, but I'm technically a third year, but I graduate this year. But you're the only one. What, you're some sort of school at 12? How'd it hold you? I'm 20, but I'm technically a third year, but I graduate this year. But you're the only one. Franco or Franco, like a nickname? Oh, it's F-R-A-N-C-O. Franco. Yeah. Say it like that next time, say Franco. Franco.

Franco. What is your name again? I don't know. No, what is your name? Franco. Say it with some zhuzh, Franco. Franco. Oh, very good, very good.

What's your name again? I'm Zach. Zach. Ah, let's fuck that, add some juice to that. Yeah, yeah. This is Franco. What's your name again? I'm Zach. Zach. Ah, let's fuck that, add some juice to that. Yeah, yeah. This is Franco. I'm fucking Zach, dude. Like you be Zach.

Fucking Zach, man. There it is. Very Jamaican twist, I like that. In fact, they just sat down. What's your name? What's your name? Franco. No, no, no.

You gotta say it. Confidence. You fucking rehearsed it, Frank. Franco. Franco. Franco. No, no, Frank. Franco. Franco. Franco. No, no, no. Franco.

Loud. Franco. No, no, no. Fran, Franco. Franco. I am a Franco. I'm a Franco, I'm a cante. Okay, don't, that's racist.

There we go, I like that. That I don't like. My ancestors don't like that. You're Italian, right? I'm 100% Italian. Are you? Oh, in your face, dude. Wow.

I knew that already when you said it. I've never seen him at the meetings. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what's your name, Oh, in your face, dude. Wow. I knew that already when he said it. I've never seen him at the meetings. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what's your name, dude? I'm Zach, dude. Zach, dude. Zach nailed it. Exactly, dude.

We rehearsed it, Zach nailed it. So Franco, what do you wanna do when you grow up? I wanna get into TV. You wanna buy a TV? Oh yeah, that's my dream. You wanna work at Best Buy? What's going on here, dude? Yeah, no, I collect CRTs all the time, you know. Do you really? You want to produce TV shows? Yeah. Write them?

Right, write them. Yeah. Are you a good, you seem like a good writer? Yeah, I've been writing, I've written like three, three scripts in the middle of writing another one right now. Wow, like, features? Yeah. TV right now, like I got like a better at writing more like TV length episodes. The first one I wrote was like 78 pages. So what? Yeah.

Yeah, TV has no bounds now. You can make whatever you want. Isn't that something you teach them? That there's no, the old structural days are over. I bet you he's a little finicky fuck, isn't he? He probably says, you can't write too many pages. That you wouldn't even get it through to the blacklist or whatever the fuck he puts on you guys.

You do your own artistic vision, Franco. Whatever you feel in the guts of it, it is. Tarantino didn't listen to any of those fucking rules. Look at how good he turned out to be. He broke that bullshit. He smashed down the wall. We don't need your books. Say that to him, say, I don't need your books.

I don't need your fucking books, Andre. Whoa, well, that was a little aggressive. Not gonna lie. It's not what I was trying to get through. How about you, Zach, you same thing? Oh, no, PR and media studies, double major. Double major. Double major, public relations.

Showing off a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what can you do with that? I don't know. You can be in PR. Right now I'm working as a publicist intern. Oh, cool. You wanna be a publicist? No, after doing that for the last nine weeks,

definitely do not wanna be a publicist. What do you wanna do? Ah, I have no clue. Good for you, you have someone's time. Exactly, cool. You want to be a publicist? Uh, no. After doing that for the last nine weeks, definitely do not want to be a publicist. What do you want to do? Uh, I have no clue. Good for you. You have so much time. Exactly. You're 20 years old? Yeah. Yeah. You got so much time.

You have so much time, dude. Unbelievable. But we both know that you guys want to be in entertainment of some degree. Yeah. But in New York, you're never moving to LA, right? I'm already in New York, so. All right. You're never gonna... Yeah.

Right. Good for you. And you're not going to move to LA. Yeah. I'm probably going New York, so. All right, you're never gonna, yeah, right. Good for you. And you're not gonna move to LA. Yeah, I'm probably gonna stay in New Jersey. Stay in New Jersey, God bless. So Franco, you like telling stories. Yeah. Tell us one. Yeah.

That's one. All right. Anything that you, anything. How about, how about with this? Let's just give them a scenario maybe. No, I actually, if you want, I got a really good story from one of my jobs, or my job work this summer. I would love to hear it. Let's hear it. So,

over the summer I worked at AMC, a local AMC theater I live by. And- Hold on, time out. Ticket ripping. You name it. I did the tickets. Popcorn. Popcorn. I cleaned theaters afterwards. Can I ask one last last question because I don't know much about that What's the worst thing you've seen in a theater? I? Had to mop up someone's vomit Wow What's he on us that big? No, it was a kid There is pretty time I I'm ex theoreke to parmesan, which is bad.

But there was one night I was working at concessions and out of nowhere we hear yelling coming from one of the halls and there is a black couple and a trans lesbian couple. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. If you're making up these. Is this show going on Bravo? Jesus Christ. Yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. If you're making up these- Is this show going on Bravo? No. Jesus Christ.

Yeah, this looks like a Bravo show. Is this an Andy Cohen show that you're producing right now? Yeah, what is going on? No, this is bad. Definitely cable though. Yeah, this has gotta be cable. Yeah, so-

All right, go ahead. So there's a black couple and a trans couple yelling at each other. Yeah. All fighting. Fighting, wow. Let me guess what movie, how long ago was this? This was in August.

August, August. They were watching. Hold on, August this summer, this past summer? Yeah. They were watching Joker part two or whatever that's called. No. No. They were watching Alien Romulus.

Oh. Oh. Great movie by the way. I loved it. And it's also nice to know for the Alien Romulus people that your movie obviously unites a very vast variety of people. Yeah. A black couple and a trans lesbian couple.

I mean, that's fucking- That's amazing. That's pretty broad. So go ahead, Franco. So what happened was apparently one of the trans women was speaking on her phone during the movie. Her bad? So they start arguing and they're getting taken out.

It's getting bad security. What are they arguing about? Oh, about the the phone one of the trans people yeah yeah okay and the black man or woman was was yelling at them it was the guy the black gentleman was yelling at them saying you were on your fucking phone during Romulus I wanted to watch the movie the guy was not helping any matters I was making like dumb comments like oh like you're not a real woman or something like that whoa you're not a real woman or something like that. Whoa. Who's thrown in, you're not a real woman. Yeah.

Wow. That's where you go though, when you're in a fight with. Even worse, he was recording it, the altercation, which you know, the best way to diffuse a scenario, so immediately take out your phone and start recording. The trans person was recording the black people or the black people? The black guy.

Was the trans person still on their phone? Were they still on the phone? That would have been so funny to still be on the phone during the phone. I remember one of them was saying like, I'm like, fuck you, that's your free speech. That was one of the comments I was hearing. And they start, the black episode's getting exited out

and he says, okay, sir, to one of them. Why did the black guy get exited out and the other people did not? Interesting move, AMC. Yeah, and let me guess about the phone. The trans phone used to be an iPhone, but now it's a Samsung. Yeah.

Well, what ended up happening though was... It's strange those parts aren't compatible. Yeah, they're not compatible. Yeah, you think you could use the same charger, but you can't. You can. You know, you should be able to. But nowadays you can.

They're all USB-BC, aren't they? And what happened was one of the trans women ran up to him, swung at him. He ducked underneath her. Oh my God. Picked her up and body slammed her into the floor. It was really like a wrestling event. They are athletic.

Incredible. They are athletic. Wait, wait, wait, was the black person took the trans or trans took the black? The trans person tried to punch the black guy. Exactly. And he ducked. You never try to punch a black guy. That's my book.

I have a book out right now. Never try to punch a black guy. It's coming out on Amazon right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was... Now, what did you do? You were still, you were at the popcorn machine. Yeah, I was at concessions, so.

Right. I was just... You want a medium or a large? That's all you're thinking, is you don't want to get involved. It was especially awkward, because we still had to work as it was going on. So we're trying to figure out what is happening,

all while people are saying- Wild. That's a crazy fucking story. And the fight ended with the cops coming, I imagine. The police were called. You didn't call the cops, did you? You know why? Say in that camera, say, Franco ain't no called. You didn't call the cops, did you? You know why? Say in that camera, say, Franco ain't no snitch.

Can we say that right in that camera? Franco ain't no snitch. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect cut. Love that. You know, that's a great story. I mean, honestly- That's an incredible story. Movie theater working is very interesting to me because you see a lot of types of people come through,

right? And they're mostly nice to you. No one's mean to you. Are they mean to you at the concession? I've never been mean to a, you know, I've never seen a mean person at the movie theater. Isn't that interesting? I've never seen someone like get attitude with a person working at the theater.

Cause where would it come from? Oh, okay. What I'm saying is like you walk into a retail store. Sometimes someone's being short with someone that's working in retail. Yeah, cause I've had fights in a theater with other customers, yeah. That's what I'm saying, but not to these people

because who's gonna get mad? What the fuck are they doing? They didn't do anything wrong. Yeah. But other people, yeah, like this, like the trans couple and the black couple fighting, they were mad at each other. But you guys don't get,

you don't ever have somebody be rude to you. No. No, that's great. That's a great gig. Do you get to watch movies for free there or no? Oh yeah. That's the perk. That's the perk?

That's why you do it. I saw Alien Rhymeless in IMAX and I spent $0. Fuck yeah. Including cop movies. Wow, you rigged the system huh? How many times did you see it though? I only saw it once cause it was- What movie have you watched in the theater

more than once? In general or while I was there? While you were there. I saw Dive Boon Wolverine twice. Twice, you loved it? Yeah, pretty much. Do you ever go turn on a movie when no one's there and just watch it by yourself? No, I can't. You don't want to be a little bad boy? No, you're not? Yeah. Do you ever go turn on a movie when no one's there and just watch it by yourself?

No, I can't. You don't want to be a little bad boy? No, you're not allowed to be up there where the theater actors- Oh, cause it's a fancy guy that works up there? Fuck that guy, Franco. You get up there and you do it. Did you end up seeing Borderlands?

No, I did not. But did it play in your theater? Did anybody see it? Yeah. Yeah, there were people there. There was? They had a really cool popcorn bucket. It was like a, literally like clap trap. It was metal? Yeah, there were people there. There was. They had a really cool popcorn bucket. It was like a literally like clap trap.

It was metal. Yeah, yeah. Never saw it? That's cool. I ended up seeing. Why? I didn't play the game. You said Wolverine twice.

I didn't play the game, so I have like no attention to Portland. Interesting, interesting, interesting. Interesting, interesting, interesting, interesting. That's a Pop-Truck popcorn bucket you guys were selling. That's neat. That's amazing. Whatever you gotta do, you know, to get the attention.

You know, Jack Black sat right there. Jack Black sat in that very chair that you're in. Sick. Do you know about this show? Have you guys ever seen this show? I have, yes. Yes, I can feel that in my bones. I called my brother to tell him I was coming here

and he was very excited. He's a huge fan. What's his name? Ben. Say hi to Ben. Say hi to Ben. Ben, what's up? You suck.

That's right. Perfect. That's right, it does. Exactly what a brother would do. Yeah. Fuck you, Ben. You look what's up? You suck. That's right. Perfect. That's right, it does. Exactly what a brother would do. Yeah. Fuck you, Ben. You look like a Sarah Silverman fan. Franco. What makes you say that?

Franco, do you like standup comedy? Yeah, I do. Who's your favorite standup, would you say? What makes you say that? I've only gone to like a few shows. Sure, but like who do you think you like? Who aligns with you the most in your mind? You'd go, you know who I like?

If somebody said, let's say you're out with a group of friends and there's a cute chick and she's like, you know who I like? If somebody said, let's say you're out with a group of friends and there's a cute chick and she's like, you know who I love? I love Matt Reif, he's so fucking hot. Do you like standup? Do you like standup? Yeah. Who do you like?

I liked Louis J Gomez when I saw him. You like Louis Gomez? Yeah. Of Skankfest? Yeah. Of Legion of Skank? Oh, then you're part of our family. I had no idea.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not gonna lie, I would not have picked that for you. That's insane. I would have not have picked that for you. I saw him in Big Jay Live. Whoa! With our friends, wow! Wait a minute.

You're cool. So then you would like this show. Do you know this show? I didn't hear about it until I met... Andreas, good. Well, we're low on the totem pole, I guess. I guess we're lower than we thought. That hurts me.

It does, me too. A little bit. Anyway. I'm glad at least you said those guys because those guys are funny. Yeah, you two are great. We love you. We love you so much. Give it a hand for these guys.

That was great. Great job, boys. Great guy. Can we do it one more time? All right, guys, you know, we love to say we have so many things to be grateful for. Yeah, we really do. I can't think of any right now.

No, of course I do. I'm grateful for you. I'm grateful for you. I'm grateful for you and our family. I am very grateful. I'm being genuine right now. I'm grateful for our fans. I really am. I've been saying it at all my live shows genuinely.

I thank the crowd from the bottom of my heart. It means so much to us. We do really love you. I'm so stoked you guys always come along for the ride and you're open for weird, strange, fucking absurd comedy. And thank you, we do love you. I really appreciate you guys. Thank you for being a bad friend.

Thank you for being a friend. Thank you. Woo, yeah, woo, yeah