Bad Friends - Wiener Fart & The Noodle Tombstone

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

*NEW MERCH* https://badfriendsmerch.com Thank you to our Sponsors: https://betterhelp.com/badfriends & https://hellofresh.com/badfriends16 code: BADFRIENDS16 & Head to https://www.viator.com to check out their latest website! Offering over 300K+ experiences you’ll remember and use code: viator10 & https://ridge.com/badfriends 0:00 Get Tickets to See Santino's Last Days on the Road 0:35 Good Friends with Rick Glassman & Erik Griffin 7:38 Bobby's Bird Flu Cologne  15:05 A Wedding "Knowhere" 1916 Leslie Jones Is Looking for Bobby 25:08 Bobby and Andrew's Gift to Juicy's Friend 33:31 Bobby's Most Precious Possession 38:37 The Night You Get Murdered 43:06 Bobby's Sunflower Seeds Issue & Andrew's Thoughts on "Elvis" 51:53 The Largest Rube Goldberg Machine & Humpty Dumpty Was Pushed Off that Wall 1:10:30 Bobby's Favorite Movie More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger:  https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger   Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino  Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Rudy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendrudy More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/   Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod   Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom  Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Andrés Rosende & Pete Forthun This video contains paid promotion. #bobbylee #andrewsantino #badfriends Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I got some dates coming up. I'm filming my special in Denver, September 24th. Also, I'm gonna be in Salt Lake City, September 9 and 10, then I'm doing Bray on the 13th. I'm doing Minneapolis and Madison, Wisconsin, 16, 17. Then September 24th, I'll be in Denver, filming my special at the Paramount Theater. Go to AndrewSantino.com for those tickets,

AndrewSantino.com for those tickets. You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? Why, dude, I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. Oh, you two are bad friends. I will. Why are you got beef with Carlos?

I don't have any beef with them, dude. Well, why do you have carnitas with them? I don't even know what the, whatever it is with them. You got something. Oh, I have carnitas. Yeah, you got carnitas with them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got moist pork with them, man.

Welcome back to the show, Joojoojoojoojoo Juicy Johnson. God, I don't want a tout, but we're really helping you out, huh? You're just, I don't want a tout, of town but I think you're touting yeah yeah I'm tell let me tout a little bit yeah he'd be touting now you started off with 13,000 you know followers on Instagram which is pretty noble what are we talking right now 43.9 that's really let me say this if our fans don't get her to a hundred by the end of

the year we're stopping the show yeah we'll quit the show yeah it'll be good friends it'll be it'll be different with Rick Glassman and Eric Griffin and it's not and it won't be a good show it won't be a good show well they won't talk to each other the whole time yeah yeah now let me say something so we got the 44 almost right yeah and then um you're gonna open for Andrew yes we're gonna be doing Salt Lake City together Jetski said yes over the phone September 9 and 10 we're doing four shows two Friday to Saturday Salt Lake City come see me and your boo Jetski juicy Johnson what else happened I got a

commercial agent I didn't do it you know he called me he called me and he told me he was like I think I'm gonna get her a commercial agent yeah I was like a really I was like how are you gonna do that and he was I have my ways and then he hung up the phone like a creepy little Asian or yeah but it worked I blew him your foot I gave Lawrence or a blowjob for you to get in really yeah yeah I was on the casting couch for you if you could pick any commercial to go off for right now what what campaign would you want to do um bad friends no no no real one a real one yeah what about like Verizon think of Verizon you

could be the new guy I wanted you like a car commercial which kind of what car company I would do like a like it'd be sick to do like a Lamborghini or like a small let's literally have never seen it but let's do let's do the Lambert yeah they don't do car commercials but pitch me a pitch me a Lamborghini go ahead let's see well I think the commercial accept the commercial scenario get a scenario yes to set it up if she wants us that bad you got to tell me what it is okay I'm the valet driver I have experience doing that so I could fit the role and and you you play the rich guy okay you toss me what am I I'm not

in the commercial my boss and so you're like park the car oh I'm another valet driver you know you treat me like shit well I'm another valid or just let's get that clear am I run the valet yeah which is me which means I'm another valet driver you own it yeah but they always do the car parking too I know but you know I'll be the guy you be the rich guy fine I'll be the val I'll be the Mexican valet driver okay ready yeah hey hey shut down all right I got all right hey how you doing good good is this this valet for the foot spa yep just leave your keys on the car and he'll

show you to take it I got it thank you this is a cheap I'm sorry let's start over start over yeah I forgot we're acting yeah hey you broke this one I got it captain hey is this the valet for new yoshinoya sure is sick leave her close got it and then I go this is the commercial I go hey where you going and she's just driving into the sunset with and the Lamborghini oh that's cool yeah Lamborghini what's it called Lamborghini Lamborghini's you have to say Italian Lamborghini Lamborghini Lamborghini try to do Italian Lamborghini Lamborghini do yeah the Lamborghini Lamborghini Lamborghini good enough to

steal Lamborghini good enough to steal good enough to steal it's to steal have you ever wanted to steal a car that's a good commercial right right good enough to steal we're all in it we all get a Lamborghini do we all get a Lamborghini yeah it's my commercial yeah pull that mic close to your face I can't hear you I keep slipping I did tell Bobby real quick when I booked my first commercial I'm taking you guys out to steak dinner oh seriously yeah but which one I'll have to pick it based on oh so we could be going to fucking with Chris we could we're probably Chris let me tell you we're going to outback stay yeah that's

a fact yeah so I'll back okay so um you know what I found a different maybe nickname for you because I think you you have a Diane Keaton kind of energy yeah you said that yeah so what about this la dee da I like that one a lot dee da yeah la dee da that is so good you like it yeah no I really do yeah look at little la dee da la dee da I like that one it's still gonna call you juicy yeah me too for the record yeah but la dee da is gonna exist yeah la dee da that's really that's really thoughtful and cool thank you see by la dee da la dee da yeah by juicy I like that have you guys ever thought of getting a fragrance because I

wonder what your fragrance oh do I'm working on one with each three do you know that no Ethan Klein yeah they have a fragrance thing yeah they do yeah what's yours gonna smell like what can I tell you what it's called one two three noodles no no do noodles have a smell noodle smell delicious are you out of your mind yeah I've never smelled a noodle though I eat them you've never smelled noodles you smell them first and then eat them yes the steam that's wafting off of noodles when they're cooked is so good two things I don't smell rice steamed rice or noodles could you just inhale them so let me explain

to you yeah let me explain why is the slurping such a big deal in Asia it's a huge deal it's so gross yeah I hate it you just see when they suck dick what do they do oh really yeah it's like a large it's a goger yeah yeah slurping and belching during meal are acceptable as long as these are considered let me to the quality of the food right but the slurping is so if I was gonna ask you to describe the smell of a noodle please do okay yeah ready I've been crested crested sunshine laying over a tiny hill as wheat waves in the wind my wife my son my dog and my friend walk slowly through a field what the fuck it's a

Hemingway Sunflower Hemingway novel yeah no I want what the fuck doesn't smell I don't get that's what it smells like in my fucking head no if you were gonna describe this a smell of an alien race comes down beep up what do noodles smell like Asian fingers there you go and that's to the point well my clone is called bird flu so it comes in a blue bird bottle but the birds dead so it's got X's on his eyes right and the smell is gonna be leachy fruit and some woodsy smell like a oak oh I like that like a woodsy leachy kind of fruit okay yeah I can't wait to smell it it's gonna be great I don't know yeah what's your

cologne what would mine be called yeah and what would it smell like my cologne would be called cirrhosis and it would smell like whiskey and what's a bottle look like huh I'm at fucking Sephora and I go to the lady oh where's your cirrhosis oh which you want the summer or the winter edition I want the summer edition cirrhosis cirrhosis comes in a little tombstone yeah yeah you open the tombstone it has my smell in there wow and it's whiskey and the smell of skin rotting to a chair that's nice pretty good what's your cologne perfume perfume probably like open wound what does it smell like what does the bottle look

like first it looks like a it looks like a glass box of tampons and it very good very good yeah yeah yeah and it smells like roses yeah and menstrual blood oh yummy yummy yummy love it's so funny to look over at the boys at Pete and Carlos and they both are going hmm they're nodding off yeah that's the smell that people want to smell this is that pussy that's what pussy smells like to me roses roses and menstrual blood like a combo the way that you don't smell noodles or rice I don't smell pussy I can't smell anything you really smell nothing nothing that's amazing nothing with a butthole at that that that I

know where the distinct smell of butthole because you know I have distorted visions I know where I man once I get to the butthole I know where I'm right have you ever licked a butthole thingy was the pussy like you went to date deep down can I tell you something yeah no insane yeah you have yeah because I closed my eyes but but you know you know which ones on I don't know where directionally I am are you guys able to move them like I'm gonna switch them I can't play on us yeah like can live up that bottle kind of go to the taint a little bit yeah can it move yeah there

is a runway there's a runway yeah the runway is like Hong Kong it's got to get land between the buildings it's a tiny little runway between the butthole and the pussy but can you just squeeze tight and what if you got surgery to make them right right on top of each other what do you mean if they cut out the taint and made it close even closer I wouldn't want that no you know how fun just no that's still it's good you wouldn't like to do that number one it's like it's I would hate to be your roommate fuck a mole is he popping pop corn it's movie night yeah no I wouldn't want that you wouldn't want it it's just

two smells you me too close together it would create a singular smell imagine if they blend it and they blend it well much like bird flu what if the smell of lychee and the woods is similar to the smell already this is a real clinical thing we're doing it but why call it bird flu I just think it's funny you I mean it's gonna sell it might you know it's not sell but what I'm saying is that we don't know what the combination of smell is gonna do so I'd rather get the smell smell at first and then get the operation you don't want to get the operation before you know what it smells like I think put the cart before the

horse I think we figured we cut we I think you you put the fucking operation into play and hope that thing smells good and if it doesn't what happens big fucking deal then we move on with your life yeah maybe yeah you have a car freshener in your car no but I want to get one cuz I had in and out today with Daniel we ate in the car and it my car smelled really bad on the way was your order this the number two combo number two is a double double no onions or no regular cheese is Daniel jealous that you're funnier than him he's a funny guy I was just trying to be mean so you guys had in and out in the

car you didn't want to eat it outside we had a long drive back so from where a wedding shower and Seal Beach sorry sorry a wedding shower yeah what does that mean you celebrated them was it a baby shower I don't know the word for it so it's their their wedding don't make it up that's what it said it was called a wedding shower oh it was okay yeah it was like a celebration cuz we're not gonna go to the wedding cuz it's like in another state but you did go to a wedding oh it's a wedding for poor people it's a wedding for like the celebration what Bobby what you're right it is true though yeah yeah yeah it's for

your poor friends each of your poor friends yeah like me yeah okay I get it so they go hey just realize where is the wedding at another state I don't know you don't give a shit you already did this but did you give them a gift yeah on the registry I'm gonna I haven't yet well you have a year yeah what do you think you're planning on getting them I don't know I go on the registry and I'm just gonna find the cheapest thing no the coolest thing like I saw like ceramic bowls but I'm like that seems like a boring gift but they put it on the registry so they must want it I think people put stuff on a registry because they think they're

supposed to yeah how much is it 40 bucks great yeah I love it what's the most expensive thing on the registry I don't know do you have it available for us to look at I could send you the link but I have to get my phone cuz I kind of want to look at it and I think we should buy them the most expensive thing on yeah that'd be cool her and we buy it yeah we're gonna buy it I don't know if ceramic bowls are $40 I don't think they're fucking registries I know can I just say something with Eric Griffin I still haven't bought anything and can I say something I probably not you know why why we went to the wedding oh that's true

we went all the way there yeah yeah that's true if I'm gonna go all the way to your wedding where would it where were we I don't know where honestly I've nowhere yeah yeah it was like gardens of the galaxy nowhere if we went all the way there yeah that was our gift go back that's what that's exactly where that's where wedding yeah yeah go to that other page real fast so look at this erectovaginal fistula is an abnormal connection between the lower portion of your large intestine and your rectum in your vagina look at this bowel contents leak through the fistula allowing gas or stool to pass through your vagina you

can actually poop out of your puss I mean it has been a dream I feel bad with women that have Crohn's disease why because something they get poo in their pussies well that's what that was I know well what about men who have Crohn's disease they don't have pussies it's in the dick they get poop on their penis I bet inside does it come out what if your dude your wiener could fart you wouldn't hear it the holes just small boo no it'd be like it'd be like this yeah mine would go mine would go boy mine will go there be juice wedding wedding registries are absolutely insane they're inappropriate but we're gonna buy the

most expensive thing on here we're gonna do it it's cool wait if I ever get married I'm gonna get married in a place where people can't afford to go so they don't go I'll go wherever I know that's right I know you'll go yeah right but she won't go no and I'll I'll still if we flyer no I'll fly you don't invite don't flyer I'm gonna flyer no cuz I'm gonna do one of those fucking shower weddings at the belly room okay good I'll do a shower where I get the belly room one night I'm already there right yeah yeah you know I mean do a spot go upstairs yeah go I'll just do one yay and then they'll clap and then I'm out do

you want to tell me what you called me about last night in the middle of the night you don't have to say it what was it what I don't remember who gave you a gift last night oh I could say it let's talk about it cuz Bobby called me we both had sets back to back at the store was by the way I yeah you say it hold on let me set this up yeah I will say and I mean this yeah you know we're gonna look back I'm being seen can I be genuine for two minutes yeah we're gonna look back in a decade and we're gonna go man remember how fun it was those nights at the store when I would bring you on or you'd bring me on yeah and I'm being

genuine when I say this I mean this from my heart yeah it's the most fun I've ever had in my life as a comedian is when you and I are having fun and we bring each other on yeah and the energy is good and the show is good and I mean it you're gonna look back when you're fucking old and done and you're gonna go that was the time of our life I'm serious I mean it here's why I said what I said though all right is is that I don't know why but it's always me after you and you always kill so hard you're one of the best comics but you kill so hard and then what you do is you play trickery on stage no yeah yeah you do no I bring you

on I say no you don't you do this shit you say my name right and then you'll pretend to leave yeah you'll go in the audience yeah well I'm telling my jokes you're still like in the audience audience standing up getting claps for yourself I gotta shake the fans hand I know then you come back up on stage sometimes they want me back up there I know and I don't like it well I'm gonna keep doing it means the world all right if it gives you sure stage of my best friend so sue me I'm having a blast it gives you joy then do it you know how people run the light at the Oscars and they play the music and all that I don't

like it I love it you do fuck the people fuck them fuck the time fuck you by the way you they play off music no let me say in my shit until let me say though this is my moment in the Sun but you have to understand this all right if you look at the lineup right it's hard hitters before me it's a sold-out room it's packed in the main room right and it's like you guys are killing and I just kind of want to go up and do the same you know me but then I have to deal with other elements I don't like that yeah you but I help you a lot of time they love I don't think it's a help they laugh for you they laugh with us okay if you say

so so let's see the public what did I do last night well because I begged you on my hands and knees I but what I said is my best friend on earth and you left Bobby and I was perfect I bowed and I walked away why'd you bow yeah you did it I bowed it's racist how because now I bowed yeah he bowed first and I'm like it's from a packed room and I go I'm gonna have to bow yeah is bowing racist I don't think so look that up how was that that's a sign of respect nothing even came up yes nothing came up all right so bow then fine yeah yeah yeah but don't do the gong like you did okay first of all the gong is too much they

loved it I know but then you grab the mic in the back and go down I don't like that you're calling card it's true it is a thing you know how they put Batman symbol in the sky yeah yeah yeah yeah okay it's almost if you float down all right out of thin air that's your beetle juice beetle juice beetle juice okay so um should we talk about what happened the bizarre thing that happened last night yeah so you call me on the phone to talk about the spot all right so um I don't have to say it I don't know how to get into it but um it's a good thing it's a great thing yeah and I'm I almost cried almost I know you got emotional I got

emotional so what happened was I show up at the store and a bunch of people come up to me goes Leslie Jones is looking for you so I go because let me just say this beforehand I've known her for a very long time I've had a deep relationship with her I love her so much same I'm so happy for success she's such a great performer and a great actress what whatever so what whatever so funny to be like so genuine what whatever they didn't know what word to use that's fine okay whatevs whatevs as a better yeah so they go she's looking for you and I'm like I think I'm in trouble already right because I have to I felt

some friction in the last year between you and her yeah yeah I felt some friction in the last year and I didn't know where it was coming from and it kind of hurt me you know when I would see her we wouldn't log eyes we'd avoid each other you know and I was like well this is fucking weird but it is what it is so last night she comes up to me and she gives me a bottle of wine you know she doesn't know I'm sober but and she gave me a letter and the letter read something to the effect of I have it in my house thank you for supporting me over the years I love you it's just something about I'm glad you're in my life and all

that stuff and she gave me some money there was a check right yeah which I'm not gonna you don't need to talk about it yeah I'm not gonna but it's pretty but she was I'm not gonna catch it in but she was thanking you I'm gonna frame actually the letter and the check yeah you can always get it no I'm not gonna just cash it and then say can I have it back no it's fine but I just that that moment was like and she kissed me on the cheek and nearly almost cried and I um you know I could see her trying to change I don't know what it is I don't know what's going she's going through but it really meant a lot to me well it's

great maybe she didn't maybe the time when you thought she was being weird as she was going through something else and you didn't know we don't know what people go through I mean but it was a really nice gesture and I just that's why I called you shout out to less yeah shout out to Leslie she's the best she's always had a crush on me really yeah ask her I can't imagine that her and I yeah what are you talking about she would tell it to be top she'd be top we'd we'd no no no there's no there's a rolling roll around she's top we'd roll around yeah and you're on your stomach cute I mean can you imagine she's

pulling me from the back yeah and there's tears it's called the doorbell yeah back and then oh I'm crying oh you're crying for sure well and then you know what one day we'll get married and then her and I'll have a registry and you'll have to buy the most expensive thing that I put on that and now a word from our sponsor better help better help is an amazing service because I use it and it's online therapy it's the best in the business if you're going through a hard time you're sad you know me you think life isn't working out you have some mental problems I'm telling you right now the better help can change your

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Leslie Jones get married yeah I can't imagine what would it be I don't want to go there because yeah you don't you know me that's a trick question well let's look at this registry we obviously can't show the photo so I've seen that guy before we're not gonna show the picture to say their names okay let's see what they got though oh when it says sort by do most expensive price high to low whoa yeah yeah I didn't even go there sort by price high to low all right here we go $600 what is that Oklahoma let's get her the first thing whatever that thing highland reserve flow it's a it is a it's a he looks like a fantastic meth lab

like a high-tech love doesn't that look like a high-tech meth lab you know what Bobby because of your love of animals you should get the litter robot three connect that's a cat it's like a cat house well let's get that what is it it's a cat it's for the litter or there's there's they want a three-ply stainless steel cookware set huge yeah they want travel bags obviously because they want to travel they need two of them they and then it's close and then it's then it's always furniture so it's always furniture it's always furniture so let's go back to the top one because Bobby's interested in that so do you want to buy the $600

Oklahoma Joe's Highland Reserve flows 879 square inch black horizontal well since I don't know them at all let's get the second thing you want to get them the cat yeah cuz I like cats okay bye now oh my god yeah that's cool but this is from you yeah so how are we gonna do it I'm gonna use our credit card yeah okay she lists they listen to this podcast okay there we go oh well then fuck they're gonna know what they're gonna get that yeah yeah but that's exciting that is exciting they need like a mat or anything like that all right Carlos slow the fuck Carlos yeah he's like they want the super one right the

the oversized what color do they want they didn't say huh litter robot let's get the black black is cool yeah the black one looks tight looks dope oh it's gray whatever it is get that are they big cat people they must be with a litter box like that's a sick litter but that's almost unnecessary but I like I like it a lot like from Star Wars whoa look at that that does look like a Star Wars yeah boop boop boop boop I have cat poop in me it tells you yeah poop in me yeah it almost as if they wouldn't know to go in there well yeah it looks a little deceiving yeah it looks a little ominous can you imagine we pay $600 for this

thing and the cat that never uses it they'll never use it no is that a bad idea what if we get in the barbecue the barbecue does it come with the white girl I buy it then we got that white girl that'd be great go to detail scroll over to the right it says to the right there it's go up it says stop scooping cat litter forever while giving your kitty a clean bed of litter forever for each use a better litter box for everyone white girl not included well there it is I guess they don't she doesn't come on the white oh fuck they're just saying white girls can use it too can they though she's waiting to get in

oh she's next yeah she's all this is waiting so she's taking a picture she's like get out of my house bitch she does like I'm saying scoot over bitch she's sitting like she's holding in a shit yeah yeah yeah white girls always sit like that oh they do yeah and what is that called you know crisscross apple crisscross applesauce yeah we used to call it Indian style you can't say that anymore why not well no no no let's let's address that okay I'm continuing to say Indian style you're on a show about Native Americans okay crisscross yeah crisscross Indian style look that was a way to sit on the floor legs cross now popular

phrase uses crisscross applesauce Indian style is considered offensive in 2021 well 2022 so I guess it's not offensive anymore but I know but Indians but let me just say though it's not like it's it's not a term that's making fun of them though it's just a cool way of sitting yeah yeah it's like you know if like you know sitting like like I'll just you know you know what break everything well you crouch yeah Asians love to crouch that sounds awesome Asian style but see but Asian style has been used to describe like a version of food like it's good like like like a Buffalo Wild Wings is like Asian style that's like a cool

thing to have oh so you back in the day you think natives like in Indian style was a way that people killed them like let's kill him native skin Indian style what if they made him get across what if they made him sit down crisscross applesauce while they killed him oh yeah then okay see cross so you got to think about it cuz cross out this is a long but okay crisscross applesauce what's a quicker way to say cross-legged crisscross but crisscross was a great group we don't know oh that's right yeah yeah yeah okay you know I mean are those prescription yes wow that's cool so you do you wear contacts ever no no

oh just those I just wear these I love these glasses but someday I'm gonna have to yeah yeah what do you mean get lasek I get no like I get really attached to things I don't know if you guys get like that like these shoes I got right when I started working at the store and I'm gonna wear them out same with these glasses like I'll wear until they fall off my face mmm I don't get attached to stuff you do a little bit oh I get it romantically involved yeah you like stuff yeah yeah I get like there's like there's a personal like I remember there was a car that I drove from LA at San Diego and I moved to LA it was a truck

and I remember I was going I was opening for Menci on the road and I parked at the airport and it was like on its last leg once I parked it I know it's dead that was it that was it so I remember being in the park that parking lot at LAX looking at it and I remember weeping because of all the experience I had with that fucking truck that truck saved my fucking life I don't have any attachment to things yeah yeah you could burn my whole house down tonight as long as nobody I loved was inside of it I don't give a there's not socks or a parachute or there's nothing not one I mean this when I say this yeah if my

house caught on fire and no one I loved is inside of it yeah I don't I wouldn't even think I would be like what's the insurance gonna pay out what are we gonna get really I couldn't care what about like what about this what about like I've never had I've never had a home you know how you had a home I broke my mom's heart one time when I said my our house doesn't feel like a home it feels like a house hmm and she fucking couldn't because I I've never felt that home so I just like things in places I don't time I really cherish yeah moments of time I'm super what's that word when you get sentimental about the past or the

moments in time I'm nostalgic nostalgic super nostalgic dude but honestly I don't know I just don't like you grew up in that home your home yeah but there's things that mean stuff like for instance I was at a meeting once right and this old-timer not million times but this old-timer this name is Chris he got his birthday cake he had like 40 years of variety right and I was a newcomer right and he got any any and he took a candle off of the cake and he gave it to me and he goes this candle is yours I hope you stay sober and I put that candle in my pocket I still have that candle didn't say sober though that sure didn't

work it didn't work but I still have the candle so much to me I know what you mean okay okay so I I have small things like that but they're very rare like my dad gave me a stone are you being real I swear to God yeah a little tiny stone he gave one to me and my sister one year for some reason he had some great limerick behind it but I just liked it a lot and I kept it in my pocket for every time I did stand up for years and years where's a stone it's gone where is it where is it I threw it away I got tired of it oh so you don't have it no I do have it it's in my desk drawer check this out yeah I got a dragonfly from my mom in my pocket look

at that and I bring it on stage or anywhere I go like it's a similar so if I stole that that would bump you out she'd fight yeah it's weird like I can detach but I do like hold yeah I like having this no yeah I like that the stone is in my desk drawer in my house it sits in my desk and it's in the very front of I know where it is I just it's very rare that's just very rare that I have those things can I tell you the most precious thing I have me aside from that you roll your eyes yeah you don't think I'm one of the most precious things in your life no absolutely not are you fucking serious I enjoy it you

enjoy me yeah I enjoy you you don't think I bring ultimate levels of joy and in nuance and comedy I believe you meet certain people at certain times for certain reasons mm-hmm and you're a part of that God bless schematic okay so give me what's precious to you okay so 20 years ago my mom she was in tears and she goes in Korean she said basically I can't speak English that well right and I don't know how to write in English right and I I've never been expressed to you how I felt about you right but I wrote it in Korean and when I die get it translated it's a two-page letter written in Korean do you have it I have it in

my house and I haven't gotten a transit cuz he's obviously still alive but I'm I'm I'm I will get it translated can I tell you something what what if it said fuck you you're the worst yeah I really think in my heart yeah you should never translate it but just get it framed why because there's something great about the unknown it's almost like you'll it's like the chase is better than the kill it's like the idea of not knowing means more than knowing for some reason like you'll know what it means by the feeling you have for it more so than the direct translation because look what happens look what happens in English

dear Bobby I'm gone now take care of Stevie goodbye and in Korean you know you know how you know Bobby Nanji guy oh so it doesn't sound as pretty right it would be the reverse though but yeah you're right it just doesn't sound as pretty right so and you know what's gonna be because there's because we're lost in translation will happen with Korean to English yeah so it'll read so weird it'll read yeah you're right it won't have this you I will Bobby Sun mind yeah yeah it'll just be fucking you're right so I think don't get a transit I'll frame it frame it yeah and let it live in your house for the

rest of your life oh my god yeah do you have anything like that no I don't have nothing like that I know when my dad had to take care of his dad's funeral and everything it was so messy that he's like giving me his card to his financial he's like when when I when I die just call this guy he's got like the business card I don't want it to be a mess for you oh wow he has it all taken care of that's what he says I don't yeah I'm like why he constantly tells me out like I'll be fine when he's dead I don't want to I know because his dad left them with such a mess to like take care of that's not fair will he leave money

you think he tells me all the time like yeah like that he's going to leave me a bunch of money and stuff how much do you think how much you think I have no idea is he rich I think so but he's so frugal that like I have no he was a rocket scientist he's retired so he's got to have a lot of money but like he didn't want to go to a show in North Carolina because he was worried about the to drink minimum but I think that was more about the principle right because it's like no one tells me to drink two drinks I'm drinking four but you don't tell me to drink to yeah that's how people in the store they're like why is

there a to drink minimum and you're like you had seven drinks yeah what the fuck you what are you talking about yeah you were gonna get wasted anyway and also oh I don't drink fine then you just buy two waters or whatever or when you put somebody on the list and they ask that bro dude I had friends I put them on the list and then they go why do we have to take two drinks okay you this is a 30 dollar ticket bitch well you know what I do you know what I do now to not deal with that anymore what I usually tell the tell the servers yeah I say hey you know a comics tab like give the comics discount because they're my table and

just put it on my credit card yep well that's what you do yeah because I don't want to fucking deal with it yeah yeah so that way when they're drunk and annoying I can be like go get you guys you have to okay you leave now oh yeah or the worst is you get a call me plus one and then right before you go on we're here but it's 15 other people yeah no yeah and then you're like what you don't get in yeah yeah I have to go to the fucking what's it sold up but what can we do it's so annoying it's so annoying by the way we had some guests the last one I saw you know rec was there with dumbfounded oh yeah who's rec oh you

don't know that was who was with me and beef who played with me and beef he was with dumbfounded did you meet did you go say hi to them I did so that was the guy that replaced me on beef he didn't replace you my enemy played you no it was that him that was rec right yeah I'm glad I had a good set he's the fucking man no I wanted to show him he's not a stand-up doesn't matter I had a show first of all he loves you I had to show him okay he loves you I know and why can't I show though you can show how good you are you're a great comic everybody fucking knows that's why he went to see yeah yeah he thinks you're incredible did I

shake his hand I didn't I didn't I kind of give him a pound and walk by such a grudge I love it you hold a grudge I love it well that's my energy is it it's what keeps me up it's what keeps me going is that energy it's like me I'll show you I'll show you yeah yeah I'll show you what happens when you run out of people to show oh I make them up I make up I make up people I really do I'll go who's the guy you know countless studies have shown yeah holding grudges and keeping negative feelings is bad for your mental health I know you know what's gonna happen to you what you're gonna have a psychotic break no I'm not yes

you are let me ask you something let's be real because you you have your ear in the local comedy scene especially at the store right yeah so in terms of do you think people think that I'm gonna have a psychotic break that I'm Bobby Lee's like you know me a manic and he's on the edge everyone I've heard says that you're like getting shit together but I will say it before this podcast you did approach me on the stairs outside and said tonight's the night I get murdered and then you like jokingly jabbed your keys at me well when I say that just before 25 minutes ago right before Andrew pulled up and I was like oh yeah I

did do that yeah I go tonight tonight you get murdered I grabbed the keys yeah yeah did you really think that if Andrew didn't show that you would be a murderer no yeah I wasn't gonna hurt you no I know yeah yeah yeah yeah you would even bring that up yeah wait it's weird she would bring it up yeah about you having psychotic break it makes perfect sense yeah and you said be honest be real yeah yeah you're right okay my bad and she is honest and real what's Andrew's reputation you think he's you know you hang out the other night for the first time in a long time that was cool yeah I usually just don't hang out you know what

I did last night what I went to tates tates I went to pink dot and I bought you know you leave sometimes leave something for the servers yeah and I left a bag of tates blueberry chocolate chip cookies by the way you know tates you know tates cookies yeah the chocolate chips are the best they just made blueberry yeah and I ate two bags this weekend no like a fat piece of shit I like tates tates is the best and they were blueberry they just made blueberry and I'm not kidding oh my god we got to get some for the show like a fat piece of shit I ripped through it and I got sad because when I finished the first one yeah I yeah I knew I was

gonna get another one can I say something you look fatter today I know you really do look pudgy or like a bloated a little I got so I've been swollen this weekend was a swollen weekend yeah yeah and or the worst thing is when you're on a vacation yeah and you look at your partner whoever you're with your compadres you know what do we do today we don't know no one planned no no one planned anything but that's why now I have viator thank God we have so many options we can do almost anything you want to go bungee I want to you want to go flying I do you want to go in the ocean I would love to have everything

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gambler 1-800-426-2537 21 and older 18 and older in New Hampshire and Wyoming physically present Arizona Colorado Connecticut Illinois Indiana Louisiana and Iowa select parishes Michigan New Hampshire New Jersey New York Oregon Pennsylvania Tennessee Virginia West Virginia and Wyoming only new customer offered void in New Hampshire Oregon and Ontario Canada $200 in free bets new customers only valid one per customer I buy every single brand on Amazon Suns flower seeds oh right every Taco Bell flavor spicy hamburger flavor right flaming bacon right bacon so good so fucking good cheddar dill right I get

them all right but I have high blood pressure so I'm on blood medication like pressure medication and I eat so much I can't feel my my neck is so stiff but I can't stop you can and I think I'm gonna have a stroke so I'll keep eating I gotta get flaming flaming bacon see what that flavor right okay and then I have jars of seed shells mm-hmm just jars of it on my fucking nightstand oh no I'm just in your neck it's usually caused by an issue with a spinal cord or other nerves yeah that's a spinal cord I know I know you're having nerve damage I'm having nerve damage from it okay so if you die from eating

sunflower seeds yeah yeah can we make your tombstone a sunflower seed bag how about one large sunflower seed that's cute what flavor Asian style there is no Asian style flavor look up yes there is we should create you should make it no we should create our own flavors of sunflower seeds bad friend sunflower yeah I'm being real I'm toe down because there's certain flavors they don't have they always fuck with hamburgers I like that one Taco Spagos that's a good one you know I mean yeah Taco Spagos is good yeah yeah but like mongolian beef mongolian beef how about um general chow's chicken oh is it chow or sow

Jennifer's whatever Jennifer sow yeah Jennifer South chicken what you know what you know what sweet and sweet gonna be tough with that no but sweet and salty though caramel caramel caramel is better than chocolate when it comes to sweet and salty stuff yeah so caramel how about caramel can we go caramel we can go yeah we can all those flavors right now the sunflower seeds ultimate variety pack I think we need to get that for the studio for Bob yeah yeah can we do that let me see but that's not my business not my favorite big is not the best it's not the best David is clutch but yeah no David's not even the clutch

of one no no but it's it's I'm saying it's old school it's it's reliable did you guys did you guys see this look at my face what oh do you have a stroke no do you see the movie good bad and the ugly no no it's new I only know this because I listen to your yeah yeah yeah what is it yeah did you see it do it again no that's just like you had a stroke Elvis Elvis Elvis is this this is live uh-huh did you see it no why and I won't why I don't support Baz Lerman or whatever the fuck is it bad is it bad I have no reason I just don't I don't know I'm kidding I just don't give a fuck about that it was good I'll say I

don't see it yeah but is it about his life when he gets fat and dies yeah it's the whole the whole show the drugs they show the fuck they show it all baby I want to see the gross part is all that why can't we just have the time period when he dies also this guy I've heard he was good in the movie he was so good he was really good look strange it also doesn't look like Elvis in the movie dude there were times where I like uh-huh now they're stretching so fucking hard it's fine cuz you're not gonna find someone that looks exactly like him yeah look at that no that looks like that looks like Elvis with plastic

surgery does that does it looks like fucking la Elvis all right Elvis after he'd lost an important role and he was like I'm gonna get him back yeah but I thought his performance is good I heard he did great yeah yeah I'm never gonna see it well I love how stubborn you are fuck Elvis I don't like him he fucking stinks I thought a shit stunk fuck Elvis he stole music from black people fuck him I don't like him I don't like that people love him too yeah he's a stinker pinker name the song that you love to listen to by Elvis it's a you prefer the Beatles better are the Beatles better than Elvis yeah not even a fucking

conversation all right of course they are the Beatles the Beatles I just said the Beatles yes oh they're way better it's not even in the same kind it's like the Beatles you know what the Beatles are Elvis you to a person who's thinking about starting comedy no that's so crazy yes it is yes it is no it's not the gap between Elvis and the Beatles is not even fucking close wow how many number one hits to the fucking Beatles have how many number one hits that fucking Elvis have yeah all right how many number one size of the Beatles fucking he's the king of rock and roll he was the first guy he was the king because he

owned slaves that wasn't in the movie owned slaves I didn't see that part of the movie Graceland yeah Graceland is all it was a slave house Graceland not Graceland yeah what the Beatles had 20 number one hits Elvis had 18 18 there it is 20 to you that's close no it's not even close there was no one else making music around Elvis yeah but I can't it's so funny because I can only name like maybe a Elvis song you just did you named all four yeah yeah but I can name probably 80 Beatles we could go through the old we could go through all the Beatles albums right now and name off almost every song probably name shit

from Elvis yeah they're probably that's sorry jail what about the Stones what's better the Stones or the Beatles I'm still gonna side with the Beatles I think so too I like the stones I love the stones yeah yeah yeah what about you Beatles yeah Beatles so your what your guys are saying to me is do you think let's say it here at that friend the Beatles are the greatest rock band ever period that I always said that period I've always said that people argue no the stones no no way no the Beatles the from what I hear here's what it proved it to me what the Beatles did categorically like the the levels of the fucking what

they went through musically like different just super different change the change yeah they went with yeah they were relevant through their time don't do that I don't know a little bit they did a little they did Ruby Tuesday and then they got a little bit like jumping jack flash you know I mean but I just the Beatles went through such like it's just like tidal waves of different kinds of music during different time the Beatles are king and then the Beatles have like albums that are like notoriously like good from beginning to end like yeah like Abbey Road right I can I think Exile Main Street Main Street which is a

Stones album is pretty good from beginning to end but I can't say that about the rest of the album I just think they just the amount of bangers that those kids made is just stupid yeah and to think you know what's crazy I'm sad they're not making any more albums they're all alive and kicking around it's like why don't they make another album yeah yeah yeah what are they doing just hanging out how did Pete how did Pete best live with himself how I wouldn't I wouldn't take a fucking shotgun muzzle into my mouth and pull the trigger I mean that's the worst decision ever ever made of anything ever those guys that

ran Chernobyl not even close not even close to what Pete best did Pete best fucked up can you imagine now I want to let people know who Pete best is so you know do you know who that is I just figured it out right yeah yeah well let me guess yeah okay guess yes he had a chance to play with the Beatles he was the Beatles drummer and he turned to the rest of the guys and went I want to go back to I want to go back to art school he literally was like it's not working out and then they went oh we got to find something they found Ringo right it's not working out it's not working out it's not working out then two years oh he

could have waited two fucking years they're the biggest thing I plan on earth and he's in art school with a fucking shotgun muzzle yeah yeah I would have killed myself do you know what's insane though when you think about it when you look at him yeah looks like he doesn't fit that's what's even more creepy yeah when you look at the photo when you look at the photo it just looks like he doesn't belong he doesn't for some reason he looks like Johnny Cash he does look like yeah that's what it is it's like he doesn't belong 99 cent store Johnny Cash yeah yeah yeah he's thinking about

fucking art school that's his problem that's what he's thinking about right now I can't wait to get out of this thing when you said a shotgun muzzle in the mouth by the way yeah you can't pull your trigger so far away to use your toe how do you get down there what do you mean well the muscles up here your hands are holding it so the muzzles in my mouth right and if triggers way down there you got to put your toe down you would I don't think you can reach well I'd create a apparatus oh so what I would do is a little Rube Goldberg like a pancake pithing pops up a light falls you know it would be a little ball

go through Lego set by the way the funniest suicide video on earth if you Rube Goldberg your own suicide yeah yeah he's been trying to kill himself my brother for like a year those I've always wanted to make one of those can we make one do a bad friends Rube what's it called I think it's called a Rube Goldberg Rube Goldberg yeah yeah well who the fuck is Rube Goldberg by the way the first idiot to try it I guess by the way if we find out he was trying to kill himself and just wanted a way to like get to have time to think about it yeah that's what it is he made that so he's like I just don't want to die yet

I'm gonna think about the way I want to keep Goldberg himself the world's most famous newspaper cartoonist draws animated cartoons for path these films would make so he was a fucking right so he had a brilliant brain of drawing cartoons and like had a great imagination so he made a machine just to waste time I love those there's so ingenious to have you seen those on YouTube so ingenious on YouTube that are legitimately like three minutes long of just up of track through someone's entire house and outside someone's back yard back in the house it's insane sanity biggest dude type in biggest Rube

Goldberg machine yeah ever and I want to see how long it takes to get through all that stuff because it's got to be just how long is that one epic chain react what is that four minutes for fucking four minutes dude of course it's an Asian guy of course it is yeah by the way it was probably started Rube was a white guy Asian I can't even say Rube Goldberg I mean look at that alone just wow dude and you're just waiting with the shot yeah I mean it's just maybe that's how they create the names Asian names some guy writing down what blows my mind is is when it's multiple things that

one look at that look at that look at that that's insane oh my god that has to fall to pull the thing there's no way we will do it dude no we'll never be able yeah yeah I don't know an engineer look at that anybody we know that's smart enough to do the like waste time doing this like do we have any autistic friends with glass man glass man could do this glass and could do it because because an autistic kid can see this in his mind I'm sure that's yeah I just don't have the I don't know how to I would know where to start it's a lot of marbles though so imagine you're gonna cure stuff at the end here with a second in your mouth

right and you they always tape these things you have to tape them right but is your friend filming or yeah your friend and what if like you had the muscles your mouth and the camera's not even on you he fucks up in some way you know I mean can we do it again yeah yeah he's he just gets a text message right is the last thing false this is this is absurd it's not as sexy looking as some of the other ones yeah it's it's very intricate look at that thing that's just sent oh my god did you ever create anything like that when you were in school did you ever have to do like like an elaborate diorama or some bullshit

like that remember how do we make those things for like fairs did you ever do like a school fair you didn't have to do that I mean we had to I never did it you just bailed on all that yeah I forgot you were a good kid you did all the things that you needed to do yeah we had one where you had to like get it drop an egg off the building and somehow build an apparatus so it would break I don't remember that you don't remember that I never did it everybody had to do that I never did it you had to make like an egg pillow so it wouldn't crack no I then I was then one of the kids at the school with fell off the building when he was

doing it no yeah I'll die I often died at your school that was his name your school that's what happened I sat her up for the job he had a great fall that's a good bit that's a good bit it was something by the way you know what's insane about Humpty Dumpty well all the King's horses and all the King's men yeah oh my god they went to go put him to back together again but it's nuts because what does the King have to do with this egg guy and if he cared so much about Eggman why didn't even let him live in the castle with him here is this egg guy look at this poor bastard yeah he's got to sit on what a poor but look at that

fucking guy so the King is relegated this guy is sitting on a wall all day being embarrassed in front of the town's people yeah he at some point he gets tired and falls you know he gets he's not gonna he can't sleep let's be honest though let's be honest right what we're human beings right if there was Eggman they would be the fifth-class citizens I don't know they could be entertaining we're kind of like if you were in a restaurant we saw egg people we'd be like can we change tables that's so I'm just saying are you egg phobic yeah I'm egg phobic dude I think I need a chance you know I mean the guy's eating an

omelet oh he's eating yeah yeah how is that egg man eating an omelet that's fucking crazy but if he's eating bacon is that chill I guess so that would be that'd be like yeah yeah didn't the Beatles have a song about the Eggman right yeah yeah yeah yes yes the greatest band of all time see even we can even now we can find a way to get back to the Beatles that's how good they were that's how good you can go so obscure about egg people we can talk about walruses it Beatles yeah strawberry fields Beatles yeah you can always get back yeah get back to where you want to go did no you guys didn't get that you had to have

Pete get back oh get back I said we can always get back did you mean to do that yes fuck get back to you you know what that song is about yeah you know what that song is about don't you what is it that's in reference to the police like sting yes no the police abusing oh using black people and immigrants and saying go back to where you came from oh shit yeah yeah scumbags yes but I'm basically like if I don't think the king would care if the Eggman fell time out why did he send so many horses and all of his men obviously he cared about Eggman you think he might have been related to him and just look at it was

his brother they didn't talk anymore what is the king and Eggman to was the king in Eggman I don't fucking know that would be that if they were like eggy people what if he was half egg he could be half egg he was ashamed of his egg half yeah let's see zoom in on these fucking lyrics he had a great fall all the kids courses all the kids men couldn't put them together again so he was like go try to fix my brother yeah and they could never do it I mean it's impossible to fix it a broken egg it's impossible it's kind of like when JFK's head came out it was like you couldn't scoop that yeah yeah it's simpler I mean

she was yeah when you use that you know me Reverend well when you see her doing it you're like what do you choose scooping is I know don't just too dark I wasn't there you weren't there I know but I can't imagine what Jackie witnessed it's nuts I mean what would you do if my significant other was in the car next to me and got shot in the head like that yeah and it's oh first of all I'll never sleep again no sleeping is no longer a thing sleep no more yeah sleep no more nightmares constant constant nightmares daymares daymares I mean all day long yeah so afraid of everything yeah I don't know how to function if I saw that

next to me no but then wouldn't you and here's why wouldn't you as mr. revenge spend the rest of your life trying to find the people that did it but they know but they know that the guy that did it guys plural the one guy that they thought they did it didn't really do it I know he didn't there was all right so there's a good thing you have to spend the rest of your life knowing the guys that did it are never gonna be found never never because there's a shadowy people the shadow man yeah shadow man did what if I'm did not did didn't fall out there I never thought of it fuck I think you got pushed bro bro that's oh do

who who pushed Humpty Dumpty Jack Ruby me that filthy son of a bitch killed two people or the king did it and it was all inside job oh and the king was like get all my men yeah and all my horses and help yeah the king and dude the king in the egg we're smoking a little something something what what opium something something is vague others have suggested that Humpty Dumpty is King Richard the third of England who's supposed to have been humpbacked and who was defeated at the Battle of Bosworth Field so it's mocking King Richard the third and he's British and you know what that means what I don't know something there he is

either he does have an egg face go to that picture the real the realistic looking one of the left there yes he does have an egg face that's just a white guy that's just a plain old white guy this chin is eggy this is that's your skin color no his shape is eggy yeah he's gonna like an oval shaped face well then you're saying Jay Leno has a fucking you better believe it yeah he's more scrambled than anything yeah yeah no I see he's poached is that way is that the king skull yeah that's King that's that's King Richard the third skull well why they kept the skull they always keep the skull oh so when Queen Elizabeth

that they're gonna keep the skull you better believe it when she dies she died she's been dead for 15 years no no not quit that the Queen now yeah he's been dead for 15 years no she's not he's not I have I am fully in on the conspiracy theory that she is AI yeah but she's still alive they found a body double and manipulated it all right fine but like the regular people the people there aren't queuing on right not in queue yeah you do dude you're catch Q shit that's Q shit dude that's insurrection of shit no no so she's still alive right she's like 100 years I'm in you by the way not you you were ahead of Q okay she's been dead

for so long but do you know why I know about this the crown oh the show the crown yeah I will never I love that show it's so good may not will not oh my god it's so good the crowns amazing I don't support the British it's all the dark shit too bro it's all the weird dark shit the Diana shit all that dark shit what about the incest there was no incest they skipped over the incest oh they fucked each other do you mean there's no incest in the royal family Prince Charles looks like that not from incest he's just a fucked up looking dude Google incest in the royal family the whole their whole their predicated

their whole history is about fucking incest their whole shit they fucked each other is the royal family inbred you better believe it look what it says Queen Elizabeth II Prince Philip do share two common lineages this would make the most this this would make the most inbred living British royals their children yeah but if it's like second third cousins it's okay you know it's not it's yeah thank you it is okay if it's second or third cousin if you're justifying something that you did with your cousins no I'm not I'm not doing that I'm defending the people fuck one of your cousin no I'm defending the

people that are in love with their second or third cousin no I'm not defending these people that's insane all right well I'm gonna say right now okay there's no fucking scientific proof that if you make love and have a baby with your third cousin that the baby's gonna come out whack I wish I want to see the scientific proof baby came out whack ask can you have babies with your third cousin I mean you can and will they come out will they come out whack and will they come out whack I feel like the probability in short yes it is legal for second and third cousin to marry in the US beyond that state laws get a

little more complicated according to the National Congress bingo so it's not against the law 25 states prohibit marriages between first cousins that's gross that's too the blood is too thick it's there and that's what they like here's they like the thick blood that's why they do it in Arizona the first cousin is marriage allowed if both parties are 65 or older and no one and or or one of them is infertile basically saying if you're too old to have kids or one of them can't have kids and you guys might as well just fucking till you're dead you're 65 that's why a lot of people retire it's Arizona that's a big

retirement community yeah proof of genetic counseling from a genetic counselor in Maine all you got to do is prove that you guys know it and are okay with it Minnesota says only certain types a that's so funny what kind of cousins can get married here well certain types same thing in fucking Wisconsin another fucking scone he said if the woman is 55 or older is permanently sterile only both parties are 65 or older is the same thing in Utah wow so you got to prove that you can't have kids yeah what if you use somebody else's data to prove you can't have kids just so you can sneak by the

system to have kids with your cousin and they catch you they put you in jail mm-hmm dope but if you make love to your first cousin have a kid would they come out weird yes okay because I know brother and sister yeah don't do it if you're thinking about it don't I don't and none of my cousins are attractive I don't know yeah none of them okay yeah yeah and I've never met a second cousin you've never met a second cousin no huh yeah have you yeah is there a second cousin that you have that's a cute boy and no I'm a third cousin you wouldn't think it's a you wouldn't think about it they're almost all women okay

yeah and still no are you the only good looking one like I there I have a track that's a yes yeah that sounds like a yes I have a what I've attracted family members but I've never thought about wanting to sure like yeah yeah I'm not I'm no you've been defending it since the jump no I haven't I'm just saying technically I wouldn't do it but I just think that on paper third cousin wouldn't be weird it would be I think this is Sally my wife she's a third cousin why would you tell everybody I would have to tell people no well then it's weird no because it's not out there I don't want to Google it can you imagine it at a

party yeah hey this is my car this is my wife Sally hey Sally I'm I'm seven yeah Sally's my third cousin immediately I don't like those people you're right I they're gross you wouldn't announce it no dude how many people on earth how many humans are on earth billions yeah billions yeah why do you need options why do you need a cousin what if you're let me just propose right start driving go to a new place there are some places right in Idaho right where they're rural uh-huh right a small community what if it's like a certain type of religion where it's like we you know they have their own cult and your

options are slim uh-huh right you have second and third cousins running around what are you gonna do leave yeah leave town there's a lot of towns but they don't know because it's like they don't they're not supposed to television they're not supposed what do we mean everybody knows that fucking a family member would be wrong it's like instinctual yeah yeah okay it's incest it's incestual sexual it's instinct it's incestual right it's incestual okay you know better I do yeah what if it what if you made love to somebody that's your brother or sister but they're not biological they were adopted well that's like on every porn

site yeah yeah but by the way they're adopted there's no blood there that's fine that that's that I mean it I don't love the idea so what Woody Allen did was fine that's not true they did question yeah yeah yeah he raised that girl that's gross okay that's gross okay if two people were raised together just throwing out ideas I don't believe anything I say check it out I'm a boy my parents my mom remarries and a guy who and a guy who has a girl and we find each other attractive which I think happens I'm kind of okay with it because they did there's no relation they're just strangers that met in its proximity yeah

but if there's any sort of family lineage at all yeah 80th cousin uh-huh gross okay what about this scenario gross can I can I throw it out to you I bet it's gross it probably isn't go all right I mean I will throw it to you okay I feel like it's gonna be gross thank you it's not gonna be gross all right let's suppose you were adopted okay all right and you didn't know your family lineage right and you love your adoptive parents you have a great life right you go on Tinder you meet a guy right you fall on with this guy right and you start having sex with the guy you really in love and then you guys do you know a

DNA yeah and you know ancestry.com like most third dates and you find out your biological brother that was about what would you do throw up and then and then I'm out of there yeah that's it you made the mistake you got to move on even if he begs like come on we have something going yeah I feel like we're clearly not meant for each other yeah but you swallowed my calm no all right let's flip it on you yeah yeah because we obviously have a proper stance on this yeah what would you do nothing you're you are single you're back out of the dating scene you date someone it turns out yeah your mom had a kid that you

didn't know about shush shush different dad Diego different dad same dad I have the same dad and mom that's it's your sister okay my biological sister that's what you said to her yeah yeah what don't give me the same scenario just flipping it to make it seem broader all right go ahead your mom and your dad yeah have a girl they get rid of already it no all right here your mom fucks a guy yeah yeah who's cool right and the daughter runs away yeah and fucking she comes to a show she doesn't know right you don't know she doesn't know right you hook up yeah and she says you know I'm gonna do that 23

and me thing yeah I would say I already did it oh yeah and what did you find I found that 90% Korean 10% Japanese oh cool yeah I found out that I have like a brother yeah yeah cool yeah what's your mom's name Genie oh my god that was my mom's name yeah holy shit where where is she from Korea same okay but where does she live in Southern California did she live here she lives in Arizona wait my mom now lives in Arizona and she used to live in your biological mom Poway I'm from Poway wait a minute we can still fuck by the way she's figuring it out trying to get out of it he's trying to find a

way to stay in it no I try to get it again one more smash do you want to one more for all time sake no I would never it'll be gross you're right yucky yucky yuck I know we forced you into that yeah you actually don't find it that gross but still I'm glad you turned I turned because you were in now I wouldn't fuck come on man dude okay yeah it's kind of like old boy what it's kind of like old boy in a way yeah an old boy you see the movie old boy no oh my god it's one of the greatest movies ever made wait it's it's a Korean movie it's one of the greatest movies I have the posters framed in my fucking that is one of the

greatest movies don't tell them because I got so let me tell you about this movie bill Burr had a birthday party when I first met him and I brought this movie on DVD this is back when streaming was in the thing and I gave him this movie he still talks about this movie this is the first Korean dude that fucking old boy dude love when you brought me that movie yeah he literally fucking he fucking says that I bought him that it's please watch this movie I'm gonna watch it it is fucking amazing you're in it well can I say something that hundred percent the little girl to the right looks like you that's Bobby Lee oh I

thought you meant I was Mexican you are Mexican yeah the guy he literally is what I want to be everything about what no no no she's no I think that's cool yeah yeah like I like literally I literally I'm not afraid to look older yeah because of this dude oh yeah this good dude is like my fucking dude that dude in this movie he does a scene of this movie and I'm not gonna tell you what it is and you'll tell me what it is because you'll know when you see it does he have a hammer I know that yeah that scene is so crazy and it's like if you technically even as a director and an actor you wouldn't be able to do it well he's not

building something I can tell yeah I know you wouldn't be able to do this scene it's one shot it's insane imagine he's just putting together an IKEA desk with the same yeah wait wait yeah wait till you see this movie is so amazing we're gonna see it and then can I just tell you the premise or no I want to watch it let me watch Elvis Elvis first never fuck that all right by the way shout out to Bill Burr for playing Fenway that's insane that was that Fenway is the baseball stadium that the Boston Red Sox playing and he he's playing it right now I think now I think he did it last night maybe I have no idea but do Bill

Burr Fenway but he put up a photo and it just made me feel so good for him I fucking he's the best I love him so much better than the best he's the coolest nicest guy in the world he's the fucking at August 21st that was yesterday or today fuck that's right now wow Fenway Park dude so to him I know this means nothing to you but to him I mean dude this is like my childhood like for me it'd be like playing Wrigley Field in Chicago it's like it's insane oh my god it's like Eddie Vedder plays fucking Wrigley Field it's like doing that we look at there he is there's our boy Billy

come down and listen to my ignorance so proud of him man can you imagine selling at a baseball stadium yeah we're at where we're at where two teams play one man is able to sell them tickets where two teams play yeah that blows my fucking we sold 200 seats in New York so that's pretty good we know it was I think it was 116 116 seats yeah yeah that's pretty good no we did to we sold it 37,000 that's how much insane dude I can't even like I don't know if he's sold out I don't know if that's what the seating was for stand-up but still it's insane can you imagine if I don't think he sold

37 imagine like how many follows you how many how many follows you have an Instagram well for a concert it's still 37 40 how many like over 40 so whatever every one of your followers what if all of them can you see perform at one time I can't fathom that I mean that's nuts yeah by the way we did sell two shows fast in Gramercy in New York because it was a pop-up show we didn't know we were gonna do this last minute and we're gonna we're gonna fucking um we're gonna do a tour now thanks for coming thanks for coming appreciate it hey thank you guys for everything you've done for me I really grateful we will do it for the

rest I care and I love you come see me in Juicy in Salt Lake City September 9 and 10 honestly like you you add something you add something to the show that's pretty cool you it's beyond pretty cool it's a fucking incredible yeah and why don't you thank them for being bad friends and take us out thank you for being a bad friend