Bad Friends - Ying, Yang, Yong

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, everybody, hey, we're on tour in the fall. We're gonna be in Rochester, New York. Yeah, baby, then we're coming to Northfield, which is Cleveland, Ohio. Homestead, Peninsula, Vaneases. Homestead, Pennsylvania, we're doing two shows that's basically Pittsburgh. The first one sold out, come to the late show,

Starting point is 00:00:14 then where did we go? Boston, Boston. We going Boston, Massachusetts. DC. Washington, DC. Denver. Denver, Colorado. Milwaukee.

Starting point is 00:00:22 Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Then Chicago, my hometown. Minnesota, I mean, Minneapolis. Minneapolis, Minnesota, Colorado, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, then Chicago, my hometown, Minnesota, I mean, Minneapolis, Minnesota, the Twin Cities, and we ended all in Madison, Wisconsin. Come check us out. Come check us out. Go to bedfriendspod.com. We're adding dates as we go, bedfriendspod.com. Dac-a.

Starting point is 00:00:38 You two are bad friends. You are these two idiots. I did an Asian dinner. You two are disgusting. I I did an Asian dinner. You two are disgusting. I'll you two or something. I'm bad friends. Yeah, it's funny.

Starting point is 00:00:51 I'm not. I've always been... I've never looked at a cop in the ice. You can't. When they pull me over, I'm always... You know what you do is you look at their ear. What?

Starting point is 00:01:00 Yeah, I always look at their right ear. Look at me. I'm looking at your ear right now. So, you're the cop. Yeah. Right, so this is what I do. Go ahead. You know why I pulled you over? No Whoa, I gotta tell you I don't know if it's your eyes, but it's worth I can't tell what you're looking at exactly This is amazing. It's amazing. Maybe it's your eyes. Let me do it to you. Let me see if you can let me see. Yeah And I go hello

Starting point is 00:01:23 What would cops say hello? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what do they say cop say stuff like License license like I got a I got a I got to do you know why I pulled you over? um I've never seen a little Korean cop before I'm out of here. Oh Gone you begun. Yeah, I'm gone in a heartbeat. You're not getting me. I've been seen a little Korean cop before. I'm out of here. Oh, wow. You've gone. Yeah, I'm gone in a heartbeat. You're not getting me.

Starting point is 00:01:47 I've been pulled over by mostly Asian cops. In Southern California, we got a lot. I think look up that look at up. I think actually the majority of cops in Southern California are Mexican. I think it's like 54% Latino. Well, it's just the majority of California has Mexican. Well, no shit, fancy.

Starting point is 00:02:04 And whenever an Asian cop pulls member, I mock them. Look, it's like if they're chasing you. Asians only, Asians only make up 10% of police officers. So when they go, you know why I pulled you over, I go, do you know where people do it? I always do that. I always gonna take it. He goes, he stutters, do you, do you, do you,

Starting point is 00:02:22 you go, do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do you know why I pulled you over? Yeah, give me the ticket dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, whites are the scariest cops. No, no, no, no Oh, yeah, dude. Oh, yeah, for me growing up whites were always the scariest cops because what you were in San Diego Big whites in powe. There is a fucking saying. What is it? I don't know it But I know there is But generally what the saying is is that they pull you over more than off more often than not But generally what the saying is, is that they pull you over more than often than not. That's the saying? You know those white cops, they're gonna pull you over. I haven't been pulled over in LA in 12 years.

Starting point is 00:03:15 What? I've not been pulled over in 12 years. What was that saying we got pulled over? It was a couple years ago in Arkansas. Here in LA, I said. Never. You've never been pulled over in Arkansas. Here in LA I said never. You've never been pulled over no. I know what's going on with you guys. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:03:30 Yeah, listen, listen to me. What's going on between you guys? There's something going on right? Listen to me. I don't know either. Yeah, what's going on with you? I don't know. Because since I've been here, you've been acting aloof

Starting point is 00:03:45 and I feel like another dog's happening. Wait a minute. Do you have beef with him? Yeah, is there a dog beef going on? Because it's like I need to know. He knows what he's doing. Oh, what do I know I'm doing? I have a theory.

Starting point is 00:03:56 What is it? I think over the tour, Bobby and I became very close. And I think, you know I'm longer than me, but I think he's scared of how close we are. And I think now he's actively trying to push me away. And you know, do you do that? Do you think you do that? Do you think you push people away? They get too close. Is that a pattern with them? I think I do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. comedy. We've gone through huge waves of being close, not talking. Being close, not talking.

Starting point is 00:04:27 Well, it's happening to me now. And I hate it. What can I say this? Welcome to the club, kid. When I'm coming to the club, who am I with? Sometimes no one. And is that in my, the ruders then? You lately.

Starting point is 00:04:40 I feel like I'm more rude when I'm with somebody. I will say that,, you're always rude lately And what way though? I just don't look at you. Well, yeah, and you you make it like don't look at me Like you like you don't want me looking at you. And do I say do you don't look at me? Sometimes Yeah, I'll walk up to you. I'm good. Hey, man. Just for tonight, don't look at me. Or you look really fake and you smile really big. No, that's real. And you go, hey.

Starting point is 00:05:09 You know, I'm fucking tired of people telling me that my fucking smiles are fucking fabricated and not real. Let's go through. Yeah, show that on your way. This is the smile I give her. That's real. No, I'm like, you're not killed. That looks pretty real.

Starting point is 00:05:22 Yeah, yeah. Look, I love the lottery. So if I see you in a life up to my neck. Oh, he'm like, you're not killed. That looks pretty real me. Yeah. Look, I love the lottery. So, if I see you in a way. If I see you in a knife up to my neck. Oh, he what? Yeah. I want.

Starting point is 00:05:29 He were also holding a knife up to my neck. I would never do that. All right, say hi to me, and I'll say hi to the end of the smile. Tell me if this is fake or real. Hey, Andrew. Hey! Yeah! Was that real?

Starting point is 00:05:40 That's real for me. That's just about as real as a guest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I see you, that's what I do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then I apologize. I'm misreading the stupid shit. Yeah. And you know what? You're right.

Starting point is 00:05:50 I should check my behavior. I've been at the club twice about the improv and the story. And I see you either in the corner of my eye or on the line up. And I just don't say hi to you anymore. Whoa. This is weird. I didn't know this was going on. I was out and about.

Starting point is 00:06:03 I haven't been around in a while. So I don't know what's going on. I didn't know that there was a little bit of undercurrents. You were. Zucko. Are you Danny Zucko in her? Oh, shit. You mean for the movie The Grace? Some love and happy in love.

Starting point is 00:06:16 That's my favorite lyric. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Having some bond. Having some bond, dude. Bond bonds. Danny Zuck, by the way. Yeah. What a babe.

Starting point is 00:06:24 That's what you're doing. You're Zucko in her, dude. I'm a by the way. Yeah, what a babe. That's what you're doing your Zuko in her Do you go? Yeah, well, I mean because we're no longer in the summer We had a great. No, we're back at school and we're back at school Danny's Uco is you know You realize we're in the middle of summer right now. Yeah, it's still summer No, but wait when I say summer I mean the tour. Oh, okay, the tour was summer like like in Greece and now we're in school Right, and now we're in school right and now we're in school And we're back in classical one of the comedy shows like a school. Yeah, right? Yeah We're there every night right and so I'm too cool for school for you

Starting point is 00:06:52 Yeah, so fun. This feels like mean girls that where you're like you're like talking shit about her I right up you hang out because I don't want a becone to happen. Yeah, but I'm getting rest in peace by the way McCone he died he sure did by the way, McCone. He died? He sure did. He died. So I apologize, and I'm gonna be more mindful about how I treat you. Wow.

Starting point is 00:07:12 And I will, you know, those fake smiles, I'm gonna keep doing them because that's how I feel. You don't have to fake smile to me. Okay, but that one, I love you so much. If it is a statistic for you, for me to socialize with you amongst your friends I'll hide in the corner. I think you just being ultra sensitive. I think I'm being an appropriate reaction You think you think it's appropriate reaction. Yeah, what do you think we are? I think we're friends What do you think it is? I don't think it's friends. Well, are you talking about you two? No, just in general

Starting point is 00:07:43 Jew Jesse? I guess that says it all yeah, yeah, you're just he right I think Jesse is You like a daughter I don't know to say a dog a dog daughter. I kind of like a dog daughter Right also you're an employee sit you're an employee yeah right so I'm con at your boss No, you're literally her boss. I'm literally your boss. So it's like how do you treat your employees? How do you treat your your your your employee who's all like your daughter? Like shit. Oh, should you wait wait wait wait wait stop family. I treat you like you You think I treat you like shit. No, I would talk to her. Okay good, good. It's so funny to have you yell at him in a clip going,

Starting point is 00:08:26 you think I treat you like shit? Yeah. You don't treat her like shit either. No, you don't. There's nobody gets treated like shit in here except for when Carlos says he's a shit human. Well, I know, he's a good guy. But Jess, can I say this?

Starting point is 00:08:43 Yeah, yeah. If you came out to me in life and whatever you needed, I would provide for you. Even like a hello. No, not that. No, but if you're like, I mean something real, my toes fell off. Huh.

Starting point is 00:08:59 Why are you toes falling? I don't know. Where are you? I'm just trying to create some sort of like physical thing that could happen. I get it, but I like it. No, but like, you know, you got black toes. Careful.

Starting point is 00:09:10 No, no, what I'm saying is that I'm not like James Baldwin black toes. You know what I mean? Is black feet like black face? If you put them back, is that bad? I'm dead now. Yeah. Yeah, when white people go to Antarctica

Starting point is 00:09:22 and they get black feet from the fucking you know, I mean snow They're canceled that they should get canceled Those aren't your toes man. That's fucking black toes. Well, if you have black hands look up look up frostbite hands Yeah, yeah, when they have that and they come back we should publicly cancel yeah It's insane. Wow. It's insane that this happens by the way I know that you're out there long enough to lose your fingers. I know Why would you ever do that? Well, maybe you're stranded.

Starting point is 00:09:47 That's, look at how many times it's on the internet. These people aren't all stranded. So why do people do get, why do they get black toes in, anyway, if you were in the comedy store. What? Why do you get black toes from Frostbite? Yeah, what is it, what's that about?

Starting point is 00:10:00 It's dead. It died. You're like the nursery dead. Like there's no blood circulating. And then do you have to chop them off or does it fall off automatically? I mean, if they're usually not fixable when it's at that degree, they just,

Starting point is 00:10:12 they have to cut them off. It's a gang green. I guess yeah, that's the, yeah, it's gotta go. Hey, that's what they say. They walk in, they go, gotta go. Is it green, gang green, or is it just an arbitrary? It's like a shade of green. Because if it's purple, we're making it, no sense. Purple, green. No, like, gang purple, or is it just an arbitrary? It's like a shade of green. Because if it's purple, it would make no sense.

Starting point is 00:10:26 Purple, green. No, like, gang purple. Go ahead. Did you watch Indy Indy? Did you watch Indy? New Indy and the Jones, are you not gonna go see it? I honestly, can I say something? You've never seen the original.

Starting point is 00:10:37 I've never seen any Indiana Jones. Not you. What? In my life, I know what it is. He's a professor or something, right? Wait a minute. You've never seen Raiders the Lost Stars. I don't know why, but as a kid, I thought it was more of a historical kind of a movie of all people. I know what the fucking look. I don't believe it.

Starting point is 00:10:55 I've never seen Indiana Jones. That's why I know what it is. He's real. I know what it is. He's real. Ask me questions. I know what it is. There's a boulder because it's in pop culture. Like you and, I know he knows a Harry Potter. I know boulders.

Starting point is 00:11:09 I know they has a whip in the posters. What does he do that with? Slaves. There's really, I know it's not about slaves. He owns slaves. That's what the whip is for in Indiana Jones. Whoa.

Starting point is 00:11:21 Yeah. That's why Indiana, the Midwest. Oh, it's slave owner. South Indiana. No, I saw because I know that short why Indiana the Midwest. Oh, it's slave owner. South Indiana. No, I saw because I know that short round is a character. Right, which is like the guy that was in a right. I think he's in that new movie. My point is is that no, he owns slaves and I something I saw a clip of them in Asia,

Starting point is 00:11:40 but I could have been in Indiana. I don't know. Well, tell me what it's a good though. It's fucking amazing. How many of them, there's like 20 movies, all right? I don't know. There's like, five, four or five, yeah. You think it was.

Starting point is 00:11:51 You think it was. What can I watch this one and not watch the other ones? Yes, I'm sure that watches. I'm sure many people, they've done this because this is so long ago. Now I'm sure they're making it where you can see anything. With Sean Connery is in the end. The third one.

Starting point is 00:12:03 What's he's in the third one? He plays his father. Are you fucking kidding me? He doesn't believe anybody, yes. He does. What do you think the temple of doom is about? Holy fuck, that's a movie. What do you think it's about?

Starting point is 00:12:17 Well, I'm just based on the word, right? There's a temple. No, that's what people would think. Really? There's no temple. No temple. It's this temple. Oh, the body's a temple. It's this temple. Oh the body's a temple Yeah, right inside your body is bad things going on Yeah, doom and gloom dude, right, right? So it's a guy. Oh temple of doom is the enemy in the movie and it enemy is who

Starting point is 00:12:38 Oh, so Indiana Jones is the temple of doom Doom, oh, not Doom, Doom. Doom is a different movie. It is? Yeah, no, I don't do it. I like Doom. I like anything sci-fi. My point is that so the Temple of Doom

Starting point is 00:12:54 is really a reflection of Indiana Jones' own body so it's happening within himself. It's a very introspective film. Whoa. There's no adventure? I thought it was adventure. No, low action, high introspective, weird visuals. There is like a 10 minute scenery whips himself,

Starting point is 00:13:09 but I think I did it. No way, that's a sound like it's a hit. It doesn't sound like a real thing. First of all, he's hitting himself. He's being forced to do this, like from outside voices. He's hearing voices. He gets a frenix. His short round is son,

Starting point is 00:13:22 because I haven't seen, how many movies is he in. Short round is literally in the first two seconds in the film, he's the cab driver. That's it, he drops him off. Each movie starts with him coming off a plane, off a military plane, and short round picks him up from the thing. Every movie picks him up.

Starting point is 00:13:40 Yes. Really? Yes, great to see you, Indy. Indy, Indy, and then he drops him off But he knows who he is because he's famous. He's a famous slave owner Indiana Jones. Oh with that yet Oh, he had Asians too. Yes What's the bad what slaves do you think he had? The black island no Asians. It was all Asian slaves

Starting point is 00:13:59 That's the thing in there's Asian slaves and Indiana back in the day Where do you think you guys got your start here in the United States? No, you're fuck on the fucking show. They goof. No, it's gonna, you've got to. I really haven't seen back to the future. That you have. How do you know?

Starting point is 00:14:31 Because it's impossible. It's impossible. It's impossible. No, it's impossible. It's impossible not to see back to the future. It is impossible to not have seen back to the future. It's almost like one of those things. It was like a chipped in our brain somehow.

Starting point is 00:14:42 Yeah, it's almost as That's not seeing Indiana Jones. That's not seeing Indiana Jones. That's not seeing Indiana Jones. Really? Hey, yeah. You're close to getting fired. You're getting fired. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:14:52 So, um, But I want to see the dial destiny. I do want to see it. Oh, you haven't seen it yet. No, why'd you bring it up? I saw it. Because I was asking if you've seen it. Wait, you said it was amazing, really.

Starting point is 00:15:00 I'm not kidding. No, Indiana Jones was amazing. Oh, I didn't see it. I didn't see it. I lived destiny. That's the new one. Oh, I see. I really want to see it. But I'm also hesitant because I like the original so much

Starting point is 00:15:11 that I'm like, is this gonna be yucky? It is, see? I know. That's why I'm, it was bad, wasn't it? Let me, can I have a try? The magic is gone. The magic is gone. I have a trivia question.

Starting point is 00:15:20 Damn it. I put you probably already know this. I'm gonna ask you. You've seen the Indiana Jones? Who is the original person they wanted? But he couldn't do it because he was on another TV show, do you know I do know yeah? Yeah, oh Yeah, it was well Smith Yep, you haven't seen it. So how do you know if I'm wrong? No, she's right cuz you he was shooting well well West when he got asked No, that was way too young buddy. Yeah, well Wild Wild West came out of the exact same time as Indiana Jones.

Starting point is 00:15:46 No, it was Tom Selec. The Wild Wild West. Was it a Tom Selec? It was Tom Selec, yeah. Imagine. It'd be just as good. Tom Selec's the fucking man. Yeah, but it's me.

Starting point is 00:15:55 Mr. Baseball. That was one of my favorite movies of all time. What's the Mr. Baseball? Mr. Baseball. Mr. Baseball. Mr. Baseball. What is it? He's like a hot shot.

Starting point is 00:16:03 Look up Mr. Baseball so you can see what it is. Look at me. She's a hot shot MLB player who then is on the end of his ropes of his career and he sent he goes to play baseball in Japan Falls in love with the base commissioner baseball's daughter. Oh my god. Oh, it's an Asian movie. Yeah He plays for the right one. Nobby's in it. Yes, dude. It's such a good movie Mr. Baseball. I love it You guys have never heard of this? Uh-uh. Nobody? Getty 1 and Nabi was in a movie called 16 Canals. He played Long Duck Dong.

Starting point is 00:16:30 That's right. Long Duck Dong. There's another movie called Gong Ho. And so when I was on Magnum once, I asked, can we get Getty 1 and Nabi for this one part? And they got him. So I got to work with him. Whoa. And I sat with Getty 1 and Nabi for a week.

Starting point is 00:16:42 And I had peppered him with questions, but it was really interesting. I go, you know, because, you know, long duck dong that character, you know, it's kind of had, there's a backlash on that character because Asians are like, well, that was so stereotypical, doesn't that. Sure.

Starting point is 00:16:55 And then some actors even say, like, why would he do, listen, he's an actor, every Asian actor, right, in America, vied to get that part, because it was the only one available sure right I would have been what happened I would have been like my I would have been like what happened I would have been so I wouldn't have anything I would suck everyone's dick right

Starting point is 00:17:23 I would fuck the executive. Just to get that part, what the fuck, you know, so I look at it, I go get it, I go get it, you know what, I get it. You get it. And congratulations for doing that role and you killed it. He did. He took what was given and he fucking killed it. He did kill it.

Starting point is 00:17:39 Yeah, anyway. What do you panch to do a movie about sending Shohei Otoni here? No, like a sumo wrestler going to like Louisiana with fat white people. Oh, that would be insanely great. You know what I mean? Mr. Sumo. But it would be me.

Starting point is 00:17:54 Mr. Sumo. Mr. Sumo. Mr. Sumo. Well, look at this here. Sumo, dude. That's what they should do to get revenge. It just send a sumo wrestler to Louisiana. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:18:04 Come on down. Come on down. Yeah. And they could have like, you know, some fun times But the sumo guy then he would slowly transition into being like a southern boy because he start falls in love with Japan Really? Yeah, he falls in love with Japan. He falls in love with a woman The fact that some more a sumo guy a white girl would go out with them or not would that believable? It'd be so funny. That'd be so what what could I be? No, you'd have to gain like 500 fucking pounds. I'll do it for the fucking movie. Well, then let's do it.

Starting point is 00:18:27 I want to punch you up. If it's a good, if it's a 24 movie, I would do it. What would you willing to do? Anything. Say it. Okay, so I would do a 24. Yeah. Hey, man.

Starting point is 00:18:38 Yeah, and you know, we don't, we, you know, we're an organic company. Oh, that I know. Yeah, and that's a bet bet. Yeah. Yeah, and, you know, we're doing a movie about one eye man about one eye man Yeah, one eye man. Oh wow. It's based on one punch man But this yeah, it's one punch man is a very funny. Yeah a great animation movie, right? Yeah, there's a one eye man Right here's one eye cool white guy, but it lives in post-apocalyptic Japan whoa white you have to lose an eye

Starting point is 00:19:02 But white guy, but it lives in post-apocalyptic Japan. Whoa. White, you have to lose an eye. You don't think we could CGI? We're not CGI. We're not going to. Organic. Right. We're natural.

Starting point is 00:19:12 Let me just pitch this. Yeah. We put an eye patch over the eye that you want gone, and we CGI. No, I. No, I. Okay, let me think about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No.

Starting point is 00:19:20 No. All right, well, then you're not going to lose an eye. You're not willing. Would you lose an eye? It depends on how much money it is. Two million. No. Ten.

Starting point is 00:19:31 If it's like 25 million, I will lose an eye. Okay, that's weird, because when I said 10 to you, I thought you'd say yes, because I said yes in 10 in my mind. I'd lose an eye for 10. 10 million. Come on. Take it out.

Starting point is 00:19:43 25. Because you're not gonna, because after that a 24 I'll do it for less After that right you're gonna be an auditions doesn't have to be a 24. Yeah, it has to be a 24 Wait a minute. Well, you're the audition now. You're the guy with one eye I'm not gonna get no that's a good thing what diversity Are you a Korean guy? Yeah, oh, they're out of here. Dordash! Y'all, you know, I never go out anymore.

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Starting point is 00:23:09 I could just do this. You're a Marvel superhero. You can move it. Take a move it here. You go from a 24 cool Indie to superhero Marvel movie. Over night. Over night. Yep.

Starting point is 00:23:18 Right. But can they move the eye to here? Yeah. I think we'll have to. Right. Thank you. Over night you become a star. That'd be great.

Starting point is 00:23:26 I saw a clip the other day that said, Ed Renorton said that he's never made a dime doing West Anderson movies. Never once. What are you talking about? You can google it. He said I think he's from Unrise Kingdom. He made $4,200 total.

Starting point is 00:23:38 Because if you look at the asteroid city, you look at the past. Yeah, I know. Every single word of their past is a gigantic star who usually gets millions for a part right and you look at West Anderson movies what it does in the box. I love I've seen all of them but they're not like you know I mean they're not they're not they're not money. Yeah they're not smashes so I I I 100% agree. That's crazy to 4200 for a whole or a whole film for a guy like that.

Starting point is 00:24:05 That's like a Woody Allen movie is in the past and all that. Yeah, now would be a lot cheaper to do Woody Allen. I bet you have to pay a lot of money. What do you call, what do you call, Bobby? You want, would you like to be in one of my films? If I can play Sunni. Only if I can do me.

Starting point is 00:24:24 I don't feel that way about it. if I can play Sunni. Only if I'm Sunni. I don't feel that way. Yeah, it is an interesting question. It's like, I'm asking you as an actor, right? To, you know, um, and you, to us, um, would you prefer to do a, you know, a critically acclaimed movie that's going to get awards, but you're only going to make a couple of thousand dollars or some trashy blockbuster thing where you make five million, ten million and it doesn't get any awards or prestige.

Starting point is 00:24:52 See it's hard for me because I don't care about the awards and the prestige. I just care that it's good. I want it, I wish it could be good. But if you're telling me on the table is a fucking Marvel franchise, that everyone's going to laugh at me for the rest of my fucking life. Are they? Well, let's not be well. No, I'm saying in this scenario, let's just say it's a Marvel franchise and I'm not

Starting point is 00:25:15 taking a shot. It's okay. But like Ant-Man is kind of a bummer. For Paul Rudd is such a fucking cool dude and not that Ant-Man's bad wasn't bad It's just what was bad. Yeah, but I mean the franchise in and of itself is kind of like yeah Yeah, yeah, no one's making fun of fucking Paul Rod cuz he's the shit He's a shit. Okay, but I'm saying but doing like Ant-Man versus doing like Everything everywhere all at once for like no money at all literally like fucking not making any money. Yeah

Starting point is 00:25:44 I I Probably fucking do ant man. I'm really, I'm not taking it out. Here's why, here's why. I'll tell you why. I know why because a lot of, a lot of those actors that you read about that do those beautiful indie movies, they're fucking, they, they're broke

Starting point is 00:25:58 and they don't get any more work. And people are like, wait, didn't you make, didn't you? And they're like, no, after I got off that movie, nobody gave me even fucking money. The point of what's going on in our business right now is because nobody's getting paid anymore. And the fucking big cats up top are keeping all the money.

Starting point is 00:26:13 So yeah, I'm gonna steal the fucking money from these scumbags. Oh, so? Oh, so, they're robbing us our whole career. Also, I just did four independent comedy movies, right? It made 30 bucks. Not just the 30 bucks. When you're shooting, you can feel it.

Starting point is 00:26:27 Yeah. There's 15 guys in a little room, no air conditioning, right? And you have fucking corn nuts as that's the only thing you get for your craft service, right? Make no money, you're there forever. All day all night. Two years ago, I did borderlands with all those stars, right? I met the four seasons, eating nice food.

Starting point is 00:26:44 The catering is amazing. I mean, everything's amazing. You feel, right? Like, at the four seasons eating this food. The catering is amazing. I mean, everything's amazing. You feel, right? Like, oh my God, you know what I mean? I'm a part of it. Even if you're underpaid for that movie for Borderlands, it's still all the perks are nice. Okay, so I'm 50-50, because I agree sometimes,

Starting point is 00:26:57 like I did curb you don't make any money on curb, it was a dream of mine. So it's like there's things that you want to do that are a dream, but I don't want to make a big career move for a dream, because there are, who knows if it'll pay there's things that you want to do that are dream, but I don't want to make a big career move for a dream because there, who knows if it'll pay off. But that's why actors do both. Yeah, if you're lucky.

Starting point is 00:27:10 If you're lucky. That's my point. Most people aren't lucky enough to just like, Tom Hanks can dip down and go, I'll do asteroids. He's one of the only ones I can believe in. Yeah, he can do that when he's already like at the top. It's like when, we've talked about this, but like it's like when Jim and Kerry is like, you know, everything is fake and money means nothing and life is fake.

Starting point is 00:27:30 And you're like, yeah, because you don't, you haven't been to the grocery store in 20 years. No shit. No shit. Go to, go to, I went to the hardware store today. Yeah. When you don't have to do those things, you lose reality fast. Yeah. When you, I was on my roof today,

Starting point is 00:27:45 blowing off the fucking shit from my roof, so I didn't ruin the roof, cause it stains from the tree. I was, woo, up there in my neighbor's smoking pot. And I'm, woo, woo, woo, that's me. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:27:58 What, Jim Carrey's not on his roof blowing shit off. I was at the coffee being earlier, right? I was sitting there waiting for my Vietnamese ice coffee. And like I came up to me and he goes, wait, no entourage. I go, who the fuck do you think I am? I mean, by the way, can we start bringing entourage

Starting point is 00:28:14 or somewhere? But like people that don't look like they should be our entourage. No, I wanna bring, I know exactly what my crew is. You have Carlos. No, I'm gonna use Dan Ramos. Yeah. I don't know who that is. You know Dan Ramos? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm gonna use Dan Ramos. Yeah. I don't know who that is.

Starting point is 00:28:26 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dan Ramos is a... Dan Ramos. Yeah, he looks like a Filipino insect. Dan Ramos comedy. This dude is, looks like he hasn't been gonna shower. Oh, I know that guy. Yeah, that guy.

Starting point is 00:28:41 I've seen him before. The second photo over to the left, far left's the second photo to the left far left the second photo to all far left Far left far left down second row There you go. No, no, not that one the one right next to that one the obvious one that we want to see that's great That's who we are. I got to have him in my entourage. Oh, yeah, who else do you need? Because people walk away you say Filipino insect yeah, interesting. Why no? It's accurate I don't even know what they look like, but I imagine it a Filipino insect. Yeah. Interesting. No, it's accurate. I don't even know what they look like, but I imagine it looks like that.

Starting point is 00:29:08 Yeah, yeah. I love the Filipinos. Some. Yeah. All except for him. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I love him, but I'm just saying.

Starting point is 00:29:16 But do you have an entourage in your mind? Who would I bring along for the ride? Well, I'm pretty sure there's a couple of shirt talkers. Shirt talkers? Okay. What does that mean? He means white people. shirt talkers. shirt talkers. And I didn't mean white. Yeah, he does. He's always derogatory to the white community. No, I'm not. A shirt talker is not a darker. And let me tell you something, brothers. We can't let this guy keep talking to us like this. I'm not saying that. Next thing you know, he's gonna want to cut off our kids' penises.

Starting point is 00:29:44 So let me tell you something. What is your friends? Your friends, I've seen some of them have golf shirts on and they tuck it into their khaki pants. Never in a million years. You couldn't even name one. Unless we were golfing. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:29:55 When have you ever seen me golf? You've never seen me golfing. I've seen you go in and out, like from either out. You see me go to the golf course. Exactly. Yeah. In the attire and then after the attire. Sure, but no friends, you've never,

Starting point is 00:30:07 if you were golfing, I promise you a half. Where? You're, you're cousin. My cousin? Yeah. He's sometimes wears that kind of clothes. When we're golfing. I know.

Starting point is 00:30:17 I've never seen, he's been at three of our shows on tour. I've never seen a shirt talk thing. But he never, because he's not, he's psyche though. No, it's not real. You're making it up. When we're golfing, you talk your shirt. Yeah. Yeah. I don't share it, talk to him. But he never, because he doesn't like you. Because he doesn't like you. No, it's not real. You're making it up. When we're golfing, you tuck your shirt in.

Starting point is 00:30:26 Yeah, yeah. When you're golfing. I don't like it. I know. I get that. You don't like order. This guy never tucks his shirt in. No, he doesn't have a shirt.

Starting point is 00:30:34 He shouldn't be wearing a shirt. In my entourage, would probably be, I keep looking at that picture of you as an Indian AI. That guy. I want that guy. Honestly guy I want Indian little people I'm Indian only Indian little people in my own you have seen wise yes a nobleman a nobleman passing through it would gracefully slowly Right and they're all they for some reason have candles of course they have two candles Yeah, but one of them only one of them's lit. Oh one of them

Starting point is 00:31:03 Why do people question? Yep, why why is only a gang gang thing? I love that you like a gang. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Are you more gang or yeah? I'm young Yeah, I'm more young too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're way outside the whole By the way, have you guys seen Indian slap slap boxing? No, oh my god. Really? I've seen the slap being no No, no, no Indian slapboxing is all over the internet again Look at this. Yeah, this this is amazing. I'll go to the first one. Look at this shit. This is so fucking wonderful This makes me want to go to India Look at these

Starting point is 00:31:38 So what's happened is they're they're politely they're politely battling slap slap slap oh it's great. So if you make a fist, they're out. You can't punch, it's slapping. And it's in the sand. Look at a beautiful sand. And there's one guy just chilling in the ring. Who's meditating?

Starting point is 00:31:57 Yeah, he's thinking about all the pain that they're enduring. He's trying to wish their pain away. He's saying. Oh, you can throw. I almost posted this today and was like, this is me and Bobby on tour. Yeah. Yeah, you can toss.

Starting point is 00:32:10 You can toss. But the slapping is fun. You just can't punch. Okay. Genius. That guy won for sure. Yeah, I mean, beautiful. I would love to see a woman.

Starting point is 00:32:19 Is there a female fight? I don't know. And that's just how women always fight. That's right. Oh, that's right. Have you guys ever actually slapped somebody? No, punch. don't know. That's just how women always fight. That's right. Oh, that's right. Have you guys ever actually slapped somebody? No, punch.

Starting point is 00:32:28 Just only punch. Slap? Yeah. Slaps with weird brain. I slapped asses. No, no, she needs like out of aggression. Yeah, or like. Aggressive.

Starting point is 00:32:36 I like it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Palm and everything do it right now. What? Oh, yeah, oh no do it again. It's actually this Come on Bobby. Yeah Yeah, that's what I like. Come on, Bob. Yeah, I want to learn out of fight Little get up. Let's do it. Well Bobby Tommy some moves on the road some defense moves. Yeah, just get a gun Yeah, that would be easier. Let's just get you a gun Can we get her a gun? But I'd rather learn something because what if I forget my gun or it's not loaded or night? I'll keep that thing on you, baby. You want to learn how to fight? Let's do it. You want to take Krav Maga? What's the best one to take? Krav Maga? I mean, that's the Israeli defense. The Israeli defense shit. Let's let's rank them. Ju Jitsu is so in right now. I'm still like either you got Ju Jitsu.

Starting point is 00:33:27 Or Krohn, my God. I know, it's a little shaky. Yeah. Well, in terms of like what really works in real life. Yeah. You can look at the MMA and go, okay, so it's like, you never see some guy that's like, he's a black belt and take one down. Taekwondo isn't probably not going to do it.

Starting point is 00:33:46 Right. You never see Tai Chi. Tai Chi is moving energy. I know, but it's still a martial art. It is a martial art. And it's for fighting, right? Or not. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:33:54 Yeah. Yeah, right. But I think jujitsu is probably the number one. Yeah, jujitsu is probably the number one. That's a practical karate. That's a crazy one to start with though, right? It's so popular right now, but you're like so up and comfortable. Kung Fu.

Starting point is 00:34:07 Do you mean karate? Kung Fu. Bruce Lee. Kung Fu. Never heard of it. Kung Fu. What is that? Kung Fu bistro.

Starting point is 00:34:16 Yeah, I've been to Kung Fu bistro. Yeah, yeah, that's delicious. So Taekwondo, Kung Fu judo. Yeah judo's good. judo's good. What's judo? Muay Thai. Muay Thai is fine. Good. What's the difference between them?

Starting point is 00:34:26 Well, Moitai's a lot of kicking and you know what I like the the the Moitai Kickboxing when you grab the back of the neck. Oh my god. I have the knee the face of the knee Yeah, the Anderson Silver did that a lot. Yeah, he would grab the head grab the head and do that Jeet Kundu from China. Whoa. That's just a guy. That's yeah. You just talked to him for a while. Yeah. That sounds nice. Yeah. It's just a conversation.

Starting point is 00:34:49 What else is there? Akito's with swords, right? Akito's good, yeah. Isn't that with a samurai? Yeah. Look at Japan's fucking dominating, by the way. Non-aggressive. Oh, Akito's non-aggressive, never mind.

Starting point is 00:34:58 Bro, I've been watching Ken Burns World War documentary, and the Japanese brutal. They were craic- craic. They were insane. They went everywhere. They do imagine invading China. They went to China. That's why I like them though. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:35:17 Balls on those guys. Right. But it's like they went to the Philippines. They went everywhere. And they did so many crazy things. They did a lot of bad things. They did so many bad things. Scraping people and cutting. Pretty gross.

Starting point is 00:35:27 It's gross. And then we got them back. We got some. We got some. We hit the bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, right? Bye bye. Bye bye. No, it was really, what's so funny?

Starting point is 00:35:38 Is that bad? It is true. It is true. Yeah, it's, you know, and they were nuts in a good way, though. They were fun. Imagine crashing a plane with you inside of it the balls the fucking balls to be like you got to stay in it They're like no jump out. They're like You stay in it. Oh

Starting point is 00:35:56 Okay inside it. I'm literally inside or just metaphorically No, no, your spirit and your body are inside. Oh, so my body. Yeah, you're in it. No, no, no, no, no. Okay, take this. What is this? Just take it. Okay, go ahead.

Starting point is 00:36:11 Take it. How about now? Yes. Yeah. You know, they were jacked up on, on, on, on methamphetamine. You know that, right? Oh, they were. You don't know about this?

Starting point is 00:36:22 You know, heard this? No. Same thing with the Nazis. Jack's same as shit.. Yeah, they run fucking met them. That's amazing So they would get them jacked up out of their fucking mind kamikaze pilots and then they would just they'd be like We gotta do it Yeah, I would say I would do it, but you know what I would do if I can tuck it behind your ear and use it for later No, well not no in terms of like the bons think, the kamikaze should I mean, right? I would at Jack'd.

Starting point is 00:36:47 You shoot at him. Right before I hit, I would, they would see just a random Japanese but guys waiting in the water. But they'd also see your parachute and be like, what did you pack a shoot? No, I lost weight. I lost weight in the ocean.

Starting point is 00:37:00 This is my swimsuit. Okay. Yeah. Okay. But can I say another thing? Is that in this documentary? So there were some islands that had Japanese civilians living there, towns and stuff, right? Yeah. And once the Americans or the allies took over the island, the Japanese citizens, they just jumped off the cliff because their emperor, he reate, who said,

Starting point is 00:37:23 you can't surrender. So you have to kill yourself. No surrender, no retreat. So people just jumped off cliff. So they would find like civilians just in the water with babies, and that's how crazy they were. They were so indoctrinated into, you know, I mean, this dude, nationalism. Nationalism, they believed.

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Starting point is 00:40:37 Look like watch this. Play a cricket who lives in Alabama? Err, man. Wait. He made it. Hey man, here. Let's go on out. I'm a cricket. You don't have to tell us what you are. Just, oh, shit shit. Yeah, just read the lines.

Starting point is 00:40:53 All right. Sorry, sorry man. Just read the lines. You know, it's a dinner date. Yeah, yo. My name is Bob Hoskins. Is it, is that a real person? It says Bob Hodgkins, like, like,

Starting point is 00:41:03 Oh, yeah. Hey, yo. He has cancer. Isn't that a cricket person? It says Bob Hodgkins like oh yeah He has cancer Isn't that a quick at noise yeah, yeah, yeah You know what I Think it's safe to date this girl. Oh my good right give me something else You you go ahead juice you got. What character can you play? Okay. You are a dragon. Oh, a dragon. And you just relax. You don't even know the

Starting point is 00:41:33 fucking scene. I know, but I gotta get in a dragon mode. You just woke up from 300 years of slumber. That part he'll kill. I'm gonna give it a softball here. Yeah And it's a softball player. It's a softball playing dragon We just woke up for 300 years of sleep and you're at the championship game and you're at the plate Yeah, and the and the catcher is talking shit. Wait, well, so I wake up Where's my bad

Starting point is 00:42:06 Where's my bad? Hey, man. Just step up and hit the bowl That's it that's really good. Thank you. Well, you do one then Fucking make a character. I'll do it right now. All right high energy Easy right high energy almost meth-like. Right. Speedy, speedy. Sloth.

Starting point is 00:42:30 A sloth. A sloth. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:42:40 Yeah. Yeah. There's lines. Excuse me. Yeah, yeah. There's lines excuse me. Yeah, yeah, there's there's lines sir read the lines Do me a favor Very good. That's good. Yeah, yeah a little slower probably the language dialogue, but. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Thank you so much.

Starting point is 00:43:07 Do it again. He's like head in the park. I couldn't have done it on you, man. Alright, alright. I feel like you got it. You got it, you got it. I've been watching a lot of that fucking not planet earth, but it's like the our planet two.

Starting point is 00:43:21 And basically our planets. Our planet the second one. Yeah. And this one's got a lot more killing. You know the other one kind of they look away when the kill is about to happen, but not this one did. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:43:31 They showed little baby sea turtles trying to get to the water. Oh, dude. Dude, it's awesome. Just a fucking bird just coming down just smoking it, dude. And one guy got flipped over by a bird and the little turtle couldn't get back over

Starting point is 00:43:44 and a crab just came and grabbed me. And went away, it was so dope. There was a one I saw where there was like iguanas in mid-Island, they ever there babies. Yes. And the snakes are just chilling, like look at these idiots, right? And they would just get them.

Starting point is 00:43:58 And I'm like, you know what I mean, how about do it closer to the fucking water bitch? Show me how they get them. Joey, I like when you animate it. Look at the snake chiller. So there he is. Eat branky, there they are again. Nothing else.

Starting point is 00:44:11 Stupid idiot. Yeah. So check this out. Look at the one right there, the little, the one with the, the juicy one. Well, I was gonna say something else. What? I think it was born.

Starting point is 00:44:22 Okay, no, no, say it. I know you didn't wanna get canceled, but I know. Well, look at that. I think it's missing a little hand. It's fine. It's twisty. Oh, no. Yeah, look at that one.

Starting point is 00:44:35 What do you call? We know. Oh, I'm having the best. There's my favorite movie pickings. What do you call that, Frankie? Frankie, what do you call that? That's with an R a list hard Wrap you up and take you down, baby. I feel bad for the garner but happy for the snake. I know hold on a second You had to get his vape off the charger dude. You that's so funny

Starting point is 00:45:04 You made it out to be like you forgot you had to do something important. Yeah, like shit. I had to call my mom No, it's just it turned green. I was like, that's my time It's my time. I thought we're gonna put away vapes I know I just because this car was this fault. There's no way those things. It's not good. It's not good You know what can I be honest with you my right arm is tingly? Oh, like all this time. It like me, well, it's like all the time. Like all the time. It like me all the time, it tingles.

Starting point is 00:45:28 And the other night, dude, something fucking happened. I literally thought I was having a stroke. So at 4, 3 in the morning, I had a pinch in my back where I went, I would like verbally said, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, and I had to stand up and I had to bang my back against the wall to where it was hurting, but it was so excruciatingly hurtful and painful

Starting point is 00:45:50 that I almost went to the hospital. With the pinch in your back, where? How high? Mid-back in the middle of my back, maybe off to the right a little bit, it fucking hurt my back. Like you're right, it sounds like you might be talking about your heart, you're left. Okay, never mind. I'm making sure you're having. It sounds like you might be talking about your heart. You're left

Starting point is 00:46:09 Okay, never mind. Yeah, making sure you're out of your heart part the back heart part The back heart part. Yeah Is the back part part important? It's the whole your whole back as your back heart part. Yeah, but it's important Very it's probably the most important they say. Oh, that's why they tell you to sleep on your side not on your back Yeah, I slammed it and then eventually I did some breathing exercises and it went away. What were they? And I held my breath in and I calmed my nerves and it just slowly went away. Really? Yeah, I also did downward dog.

Starting point is 00:46:36 Yeah, I love downward dog. I did downward dog. You know, I did some yoga stuff that I've learned. You know me? Downward syndrome dog, yours. Yeah. Downward syndrome. Down downward syndrome dog yours. Yeah, yeah, downward sense. Yeah Yeah, I was doing downward syndrome drug talking at it eventually, you know

Starting point is 00:46:51 And doing those positions. You know, I had my own Olympics. Yeah You know, and I saw when you when you said to me it reminded me when you said about him not being able to look you You're not being able to look him in the eye. I saw the image of you Like looking down when he looks at you and it made me really sad. Really? Yeah, because I want to just bring this back to the beginning. I love you so much. I love you too. I feel like we moved past it. But then you brought it back. I love you so much and I talk about you all the time to be with you. And I was like, who's like creep staring at me over there? No, I always say like, who do you think is the next thing up? I think she is

Starting point is 00:47:25 Well, you deserve you deserve the continuation you caught you texting me the other day about bad news, but It ended up being really good news. What was that news? I didn't get JFO I even but But I But here's what what yeah, I know I love you so much But here's what I know. I love you so much. What? She didn't get it. That's insane. Well, I was sad about it for a few hours, but I got over it because what happened was I know trust me. No, no, no, no, you know, don't get over it. It's a war. It's a war. Well, it's no, no, no. It's a disson us. Mm-hmm. It's a dis, they think that agents have the power. By getting it all over it, I meant it actually brought the power back into what I want to do

Starting point is 00:48:11 and what I want to create. I started bringing the trumpet back into my act and really just like feeling fearless of what I'm doing because I'm tired of like auditioning for a while. Yeah. I'm tired of like showing off for these people I want to like me. It's like, maybe it's just not the time, you know, but I don't off for these people I want to like me. It's like maybe it's just not the time, you know, but I don't know if I'm gonna- It is the time. I fucked the trumpet.

Starting point is 00:48:31 But I have so many people supporting me now from bad friends, from you guys, like going on the road. Stop being positive. But here we go. Let's go negative. Let's game the darn place for a second, okay? There is a dark sliver to this where I'm like, I'm done doing this stuff. I'm gonna focus on the support I have. We're, we're gonna war!

Starting point is 00:48:51 But I'm so sorry to hear that. But I did find out after the fact that there already are agents scouting me. Hell yeah? Oh yeah, they are. I've been asked from my people about you. They're out there, baby. They're out there.

Starting point is 00:49:03 Things are happening. You're on the map. I'm headlining, I'm doing my own thing while we're on out there, baby. They're out there. Things are happening. You're on the map. I'm headlining. I'm doing my own thing while we're on break from the tour. Plug in. Can I tell you? No, say it right now. She's in Irvine.

Starting point is 00:49:13 Irvine, next Wednesday that, oh well, I should say. Oh, this is already out. But I can plug the two. I'm doing the wise guys. One that you took me to. Yeah. Keith is having me back doing one night at Salt Lake City in two nights in Vegas the 27th in Salt Lake City and the 28th and 29th in Vegas. We're at what weight of this month of July of July

Starting point is 00:49:31 July so Salt Lake City go see her and Vegas go see her wise guys I went there with Polly and I went to Salt Lake City with you. Yeah, that's where I met Keith as a feature And I'm going back to head. It's awesome amazing That's kind of that's a kind of shit that I love to hear. See, that's the positive spin I like. And I just want to be the best comedian I can be. That's all I'm looking at. It seems like they're going after people who've already made a following.

Starting point is 00:49:54 No. They're not really a new person. They're ticking boxes. Ticking boxes. Yes. Ticking bombs, are you saying? Checking boxes. Oh, checking boxes.

Starting point is 00:50:03 Yeah. They're bombs. I was like, they Checking boxes. Oh, checking boxes. Yeah. They're bombs. I was like, they're taking bombs. They're taking bombs. Yeah. You're right. They're checking boxes.

Starting point is 00:50:11 No, they're going, we have the, you know, the Puerto Rican blind guy. How is that guy? He's crazy. I've heard he does really well. He can't make it to the stage half the time. Yeah, he keeps falling. Yeah, yeah. He does stand up sometimes from the side of the room.

Starting point is 00:50:26 And sometimes he doesn't show up to the venue because he has to. Like a lot of times I see he hits his eyes and goes, is this thing on? Right, which is a funny job. It's a funny bit. Yeah, yeah. That's a funny bit. That's a good one.

Starting point is 00:50:35 And then, you know, the 9-foot-3 Nigerian female who happens to be, you know what I mean? Oh, yeah. Wait, the girl from the WNBA. Yeah, she's stand up. She's awesome. I look up to her somewhere. Yeah, so she, you know what I mean? Oh yeah. Wait, the girl from the WNBA? Yeah, she's stand up. She's awesome. I look up to her so I'm like, yeah. So she, you know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:50:48 They have, you know, they check boxes like, do we have, and you're, who else are they checking? Yeah. Just tell me some of the other people are they're checking. Yeah, the Irish black guy who also has to be a duar, but he also has bilingual issues. Bilingual issues? Yeah, he's bilingual.

Starting point is 00:51:02 He's bilingual. Lequan Murphy. Yes, Lequan Murphy is really good. He mixes the two languages like he sometimes will one word be Korean, right? The next word would be fucking, you know, me and me. I think I wish Black guy. That's what's crazy about it.

Starting point is 00:51:15 But he speaks Korean and Portuguese, which is what's crazy about it. What a hook. What a hook. I got a guy. I actually kind of get it. I'm always on board for our games. Yeah. I don't think I can do that

Starting point is 00:51:25 What I was gonna try to do Portuguese Out of all the things I think you've stuck me. I know I'm giving you a challenge Korean black Irish Portuguese. Yeah, no, but the language is one word is in Korean the other ones in pet Portuguese. Give it a go Say it again, I don't even quite understand so he's a black Irishman, right? Who happens to be dwarf? No, what is a little person as well? It doesn but that doesn't mean it's just the voice is different. I didn't know. That's my like list. Oh, yeah, it's not all.

Starting point is 00:52:09 The voice is different. You can change the voice. But it's in the language, right? So you need to do, you know, move one word in Korean. You can make that up. If you don't even know. Ho-ju-jang-pos-ka-do. Is that him? That's who it is, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:52:20 But it's gotta be higher. Yeah. Look, you're a jang-pos-ka-do. That ever famous. That's it. He's good. It is but it's got to be higher. Yeah, look again. That ever famous that's it. He's good. I like that. He'll get a deal from HBO right now. Who do you think? Who else got? It's got the but their box ticked? You know why we keep asking because you know all the comics. I got their box. Yeah, you know some of the The finger on the pole your fingers on the pulse. Right. I know one.

Starting point is 00:52:45 We go ahead. Oh, yeah. They're half and half. Half and half what? Creed and milk? Oh. Half and half. So they're gender non-specific.

Starting point is 00:52:57 But it's like, I know what it is. I know what you, I've seen that person. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, it's like Harvey Twoface. Yeah. So literally it's half a dip. Half man, half women from the down the line. It's half this way.

Starting point is 00:53:09 Right, so the lipstick on this other mouth, I've seen her. Yeah, but they're like, she's great. Yeah, which she's great. They're great. Oh, my bad, they're great. They're great. What about it? So it's half a dick and one ball.

Starting point is 00:53:20 Well, we have half a dick and half a ass. Yeah, you can ask what you're gonna ask. I shouldn't even know. I shouldn't even know. Yeah, I mean, you know't ask. Well, we can't ask. We can ask less than this. I shouldn't even know. I shouldn't even know. Yeah, I mean, you know what, that could happen, and I'm just throwing it out there, science-wise, and I've read this on, you know, I mean, theories, but when you open up her vagina,

Starting point is 00:53:34 there's a penis inside it. That is their opening. Yeah, yeah. But how do you feel about not ever being on a list of anything? I mean, this was all my heart. Yeah, I couldn't fucking care less. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:53:48 I care so fucking little about that. It's, I maybe, sometimes I think I should care. And then I go, no, I don't fucking give a shit. But like when a friend gets it, stoked. Yeah. I couldn't be happier when someone I know, because I don't care about it, but I don't know, no, I don't fucking give a shit at all.

Starting point is 00:54:06 Rejection can be a positive thing though. Well, you deal with it your whole career is fucking, get out of here, you stink. It does motivate you though, to like, it's get rid of any expectations or pressure. Yeah. Because it was like, okay, if someone's fucking with me anyway, then that's how you get in your head

Starting point is 00:54:22 when you feel like you're fucking. Even though many people are fucking. Yeah, many people do. You just kind of feel free to create and that you should feel like that all the time totally. They're Dave. Our TV show Dave got one Emmy nomination. Oh, congratulations. Yeah, what congratulations.

Starting point is 00:54:35 This is so funny. Soundtrack. Yeah, no really. Yeah, shoes. We got we're both of best shoes. What is it? What is it? It's Brad Pitt Brad Pitt got nominated for Best Guest Arenas Comedy Series.

Starting point is 00:54:47 Wow. Yeah, I mean, he's not gonna win. Yeah, that's so cool. He's having a comeback. He's having a comeback. I'm gonna come close. Because Ted Lasso is gonna fucking sweep it again like it does every time. Brad Pitt, Best Comedy Guest Actor for Dave, he's never won an Emmy, I don't think.

Starting point is 00:55:03 And so this is like their shot, I guess. But it's not gonna fucking happen. But it won't be SNL, and if it's not Leslie Odom Jr., it'll be Nathan Land or Only Murders. Because he's fucking, have you seen that show? Uh-uh. I heard it's great. It's fucking non-stop good to me. Did you guys watch the idol?

Starting point is 00:55:20 No, I've heard that. I'm gonna watch it. Let's go back to the, I'll go to the idol. Tell me about it. What? The one that only murders? Yeah. Steve Martin, Martin Shore. I know gonna watch it. But let's go back to the, I'll go to the, I don't know what, tell me about it. What? The only murder? Yeah. Steve Martin, Martin Shore.

Starting point is 00:55:28 I know what it is. Is it great? It's phenomenal. I think it's so good. I think it's so good because they're so, I love the, it's kitschy. It's kitschy. It's a little all-fascin.

Starting point is 00:55:37 It's kitschy. Yeah. But it's aware of itself. Like it's very self-aware. It knows it's kitschy, but it's wonderful. And Steve Martin and Martin, Martin Shore, might be one of the fucking funny Assumance to ever walk the earth.

Starting point is 00:55:47 The way he's like this, he's so like, he's so theatrical, his manner, he's so good, man. But yeah, Brad Pitt got an on for Dave. I think that was the only nomination. I do like took a photo with the other day. I tell you about this. He was so nice. His Chevy chase.

Starting point is 00:56:01 Oh, yeah. I really love checking. I also got to meet him on. Yeah, he was so nice. Was he at thebby here. I also got to meet him once. Yeah, he was so nice. Was he at the club? Yeah. Well, his daughter works at the club.

Starting point is 00:56:09 Yeah, and I walked out of stage, and then he goes, Robert, do you want a photo? Let's take a photo. Well, he kind of volunteered it, and I took a photo with him. I was just like, oh my god, this is amazing. That's so cool.

Starting point is 00:56:20 Because I've been so intimate, because you have to, fletch, fucking catish. I mean, you name it. Yeah. Vacation vacation. I mean legend. Yeah, it's insane. Yeah, so nice And you would hurt things too that maybe he's a little weird, but I didn't see that all I ever heard was that they then they'd been Public about it that he was tough to work with yeah, but no do you think people say that about you? Tough to work with sometimes I think people say that about you, tough to work with sometimes.

Starting point is 00:56:44 Well, I mean, you know, Erie's spirit just did my other podcast. I know you don't meet me. We don't say the word. By the way, we surpassed them in subscribers last week. Woo-hoo! Tiger-booty.

Starting point is 00:56:53 We surpassed them, bad friends. Good, yeah. It should be. That's right. Because you and I are, WAM. We're WAM. Yeah. I'm WAH in your AM.

Starting point is 00:57:01 Yeah. But I remember Erie's going, you know, you pued, you know what I mean? In in my dressing room, so I was like, oh, sorry. Tough to work with. Not in the toilet on the ground. Yeah, well that's because back home, they just have a hole in the ground. No, those are on a TV show. But I mean, where you're from, don't you guys poop in holes?

Starting point is 00:57:18 You mean from San Diego? Like the fuck you talking about, man? Is San Diego, San Diego, South Korea? Yes. We say it like about man? Is San Diego San Diego South Korea? Yes. We say it like San Diego. San Diego. Oh you mean San Diego, Calvert? No, no, San Diego.

Starting point is 00:57:32 I've been having the best sleep of my entire life. You have? I gotta tell you, I've got the remedy. I texted Taylor Tomlinson two nights ago. That's it? That's the solution. If you text Taylor Tomlinson right before you go to bed, she gives you a little saline.

Starting point is 00:57:44 I didn't know. I'll text her tonight then. She goes, rest your head. You'll soon be dead. It's unfortunate that your hair is red. And I went to bed. I'll do that tonight then. No, seriously, I text her because I saw her

Starting point is 00:57:55 post something on Instagram about not being able to sleep after coming back from Australia. She just got back and I said, I swear to God, I thought this was so stupid, but I cut out coffee for a little bit when I got back because a buddy was like, cut out coffee for a couple of days. So your body's not like humming on as much caffeine

Starting point is 00:58:11 as you usually do. And then right before you go to bed, drink a warm glass of milk and I thought, yeah, right. And I did, I swear to God, I passed out. And I've been doing it now if I have a little bit of trouble sleeping, a warm glass of milk and I'm. I'm lactose.

Starting point is 00:58:25 They get a lactose-free warm glass of fucking milk. I don't know you know age pussy No, but I got only diarrhea in the middle life. That's even funnier. You sleep like a baby just shit in yourself Let me ask you know just get a bad plastic sheets If you're are you really lactose intolerant? I am. I never knew that about you. Oh yeah. We eat cheese and shit all the time together. And ice cream.

Starting point is 00:58:49 Yeah, we eat ice cream together. And you're not there for the aftermath. That's true. Send us a video. Wait, do you just have to take lactate? Is that what you do? Last night I had to. I was a big bod's big boy.

Starting point is 00:58:59 And the person I was with, he gave me my lactate. Who was it? Some girl I'm hanging out with. Is this a new intro, love interest? Well, I was with gave me my lact head. Who was it? Some girl I'm hanging out with. Is this a new intro, love interest? Well, I was gonna ask you something. Yeah. Is it okay to date a girl who's also thinking about she had one open mic?

Starting point is 00:59:17 Oh, it's dangerous. This is really dangerous. I know, but I like her and told her I go, listen, you know, I've been in these situations. It generally doesn't work out You know, man because we're just in two different places She's like, what do you mean? You know, I mean and it's like I want a supporter because I think she can do it You know sure yeah, but it's like I don't know if I want it's tough to be the big guy's career That's tough. Yeah, that's a tough place to be and you know how do you set boundaries?

Starting point is 00:59:44 You know, I mean well that's gonna be harder because I've done it before and this is what always happens How come I you're asking me to open yeah, and then you do and then you're dealing Sucks and then it sucks. No, I'll tell you what sucks about it is you start taking on their nervousness Oh like one time Yeah, I took a girl that was a comic, that was dating, opened to open for me. And she wasn't featuring, she had a five minute guest spot. And she was pacing back and forth back.

Starting point is 01:00:15 She was like, I gotta kill, man, I gotta kill, like, and I was taking on her nervousness. And in my mind, I'm like, this doesn't feel right. Yeah, it's not. Yeah, because I have to focus on my, I'm headlining. You could date a girl who's a comic who's established. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:00:28 I'd be harder to date someone that's starting out. Yeah. Do you really like this person? I do, but look at me in the eyes. I do. You do. Yeah, but. Were you looking at my ear or my eyes?

Starting point is 01:00:37 Your ears. Okay. You're definitely your ears. Wait a minute. You really do like her though. Yeah, I mean, it's just cool. I like her a lot. I'm just saying it's an issue.

Starting point is 01:00:45 That's dangerous. It's so dangerous. It's suck. How many girls have slept over at the house since you've been single? Have sleep, sleep over. Through the night into the morning. Sleep over?

Starting point is 01:00:55 One. One. One girl. And in the morning, how does that go? Because you're interesting in the morning. I don't sleep. Right, so you just stay up on I staring Staring at the ceiling. Yeah

Starting point is 01:01:08 I do this though. Sometimes I like I'll be like this and I'll look over at my PlayStation and I'll look back on the sky Because that's what I want to be doing. Why don't you just put a screen on the ceiling? Oh Why wouldn't you do that then you just plan your back? It's amazing. Let's do it. You can afford it. I then want to do it. I'm gonna buy that really for Christmas I'm gonna install one really cool. Yeah, because then you don't have to wake her up You don't get up so one girl slept over in the morning. I'm seeing one girl that goes do I'm seeing this other girl right now How many people are on your roster? You got you got a football team or a basketball team? I'm only physically seeing one person. No, no, I but I know that. I'm not trying to call you out

Starting point is 01:01:44 I'm saying how many people are you talking to? Football team. Football team. Yeah, nice. But I'm seeing this one girl and she goes, this is the best. Out front, she's like, first of all, we're never going to sleep on the same bed. I can't sleep next to somebody. Cool. And in my mind, I went, right? And she goes, also, if we hypothetically ever live together, she goes, I need to sleep

Starting point is 01:02:10 in it either at a different house or a different room. This is even better, you love this. Ding! And then I asked her question, I go, so if I said to you, I want to play 12 hours of video games, right? What do you, what do you, she goes, I don't give a fuck at your life. Ding! Right? And the only only negative she has a penis

Starting point is 01:02:30 No, no only there's no negative, but my point is is that and then like so she's been you know I had my house and she's always like Right after we have you know hook up. She's like are you gonna call me a uber? She's ready to go. Yeah, it's really cool. Hey, yeah, it's a lot of things. Yeah, you've been dating anybody. No. You're keeping it solid.

Starting point is 01:02:52 I bought new pedals for my trumpet. Holy fucking shit. Holy shit. I've gone full into my standup. You're diving deep into you. Yeah. I really like that. Good for you.

Starting point is 01:03:04 New pedals for your trumpet? Yeah, I have this amp and you can, I have the mute. I showed you guys it's like an electronic mute and you can plug it into guitar pedals and just switch the sound up. She's really using the money wisely. Oh yeah. It's all going back into the art. She really is too. But why is that? Because I will make it back. I know, but one of my point is why are you cutting off a very important aspect of the human experience? Which is, you know, fucking and suckin'. Yeah, love will come. I have to, but I have to.

Starting point is 01:03:37 Slow down, bud. Cause you don't always get to come. Yeah, yeah. Hey, come on, go. But I have, and I'm also headlining in Austin. I'll be sure to really. We already did that right. We did the pitching.

Starting point is 01:03:47 I have five hours to go through. Eventually, I'm gonna have to do more tapings if I want. Like, I really have to focus right now. Yeah. And I really want to deliver a good product for people to come to see me. But did that never go away, though? Yes, the problem.

Starting point is 01:04:00 You do have to have a balance of life and love and happiness and work. And cause all that stuff will crash down Otherwise, you'll just be focused on one thing and then it'll all I just feel really hungry right now for like Good if it's if it's servicing you then you should don't deny the other stuff No, I won't and I also don't go out in LA Yeah, what you guys go you at the store tonight? No, no my my best friends coming to town. So I'm the next couple nights. So you're gonna go out. Well, we might tomorrow.

Starting point is 01:04:26 No, well, do we go out? No, I don't go fucking go out. I go out with my parents this weekend because they're here for the fourth. We went out and had a fucking blast. How come I didn't see your parents? Honestly. It'd be real.

Starting point is 01:04:35 You don't wanna introduce me? I know, I took them. I, every single day, we went out to do a thing and it was, it's a lot. But I wanna meet them. I know, dude, but it was so much. I never met your mother. I know.

Starting point is 01:04:49 Carlos met them. Fancy. Why would you bring that up? Carlos met them because he was here so funny. We were getting breakfast and I said, hey, we're near the studio. Actually, I didn't even offer it. Someone else did. And then my mom was like, can I see this thing? And You know, actually, I didn't even offer it. Someone else did.

Starting point is 01:05:05 And then my mom was like, can I see this thing? And I said, yeah, I guess. So we walk over here and I open the door and it stinks. Like fucking weed. And I mean, reeks of like someone's ripping fucking six. So he smokes does drugs in your fucking you smoke weed. Carlos. Carlos.

Starting point is 01:05:23 I thought Carlos. I open the door. I open the door and Carlos is shit faced stoned on the couch like this and he goes hey Andrew what's up man and closes his laptop I go what are you doing here man and he was like I'm waiting for packages for fan stuff and I was like okay and he met your parents I was like here's my parents he met your parents. And I was like, here's my parents. And they were like, yeah, they were like, who's that like mini me Larry David guy that we met?

Starting point is 01:05:52 And then my mom goes, who is that man? And I said, we kind of taken him in. Like a straight. And I let him sleep in the studio because he doesn't really have a place to live. Did they state your parent at your house? Yeah. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, they spent a lot of time with your family. We sat by your house? Yeah. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, they spent a lot of time with your. We sat by the pool and talked. All that's nice. We talked

Starting point is 01:06:08 about all the controversial stuff that you want to get into with your parents. Bud Light. Right. Good, good, good, good. We spent four days talking about Bud Light if I'm going to be honest with you. No, but then we took them to go watch the fireworks because we get to we get to go see a special firework show because I'm a special yeah I've never seen that fine what I'm not I was at the 4th of July I remember sitting by myself I was playing Elden ring again, and in the distance here And I realized I go I've never seen that you've never gone to watch fireworks I've seen it in the movies where I like oh that's what fireworks look like. I've never seen it in real life. I don't believe you. Well, he's walked outside and seen him.

Starting point is 01:06:47 He's not he's means he's never like been near a show in the distance. No, like in the distance. Like from far away, I'll go, oh, what's that? A nuclear bomb? Oh, no, it's fireworks. Right. Sometimes it could be nuclear. Senior DNA to feel that way. Yeah. Yeah. But it's like, I've never like been known to ever call. Hey, let's go to the beach and watch. I don't know if they do at the beach. I'm sure they do it like that like up close. I've never seen that so dope I will get what invite me next time somebody okay, I'm being real. Yeah, we do we do it right here And they see they put it right over your head. I don't get invited anything. I would have no don't do that You want to have come to the thing? I yeah, you don't you don't want to go to things that you get invited I think that's a well then start to change it change what I'm saying right now. I'm willing to the thing I, yeah, you don't, you don't want to go to things that you get invited. I think that's a, well then start to change it.

Starting point is 01:07:26 Change what? I'm saying right now, I'm willing to go anywhere. With anybody, so everyone and everyone that's listening, ask them. Ask me, if you have to say yes for a week, whatever I say, you have to be, say yes for a week. I'll do it, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, it's not like Easter egg hunting,

Starting point is 01:07:42 I don't want to do that. Well, why? See, this is interesting. No, that don't want to do that. Well, why? this is interesting. No, that don't want to do that. Well why? It's dumb. Why? Because I have eggs in my fridge.

Starting point is 01:07:49 Yeah, but these are colored. Oh, you have white eggs. You've all fogged, I get. Oh yeah, yeah. Thank you for being a bad friend. Yeah Woo Yeah Woo Yeah

Starting point is 01:08:23 you

Bad Friends - Ying, Yang, Yong

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