Bad Hasbara - The World's Most Moral Podcast - Bad Hasbara 72: The Holiday Special

Episode Date: December 30, 2024

In place of our regularly scheduled episode we have a short Bad Hasbara Holiday special for all of you. We will be getting back at it next week but until then, Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, and the happiest new year to all.Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/bad-hasbara/donationsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Hello, everyone, and welcome to Bad Hasbara. 2024's Most Moral Podcast. We'll see next year if we keep it up. Yeah, I mean, listen, if we can actually physically get an award for how moral we are, then I think this will all have been worth it. I don't know what you guys think. That's what I think. My name is Matt Leib.

I am the world's most moral co-host. I'm Daniel Matt. I am the world's second most moral co-host. Producer Adam, no morals. No morals, no regrets. One life to live. No regerts. No regrets.

Live fast, die fast. We are very excited because we have something a little bit different this week, something special for all of you out there who have been supporting this podcast. And, you know, either by going on Patreon and joining it or just by watching it slash listening to it every week. We wanted to thank you all. It's been one year since this podcast was started. It's been one week since you laughed at me.

That's right. It's been a really great run. I'm sorry. As the Canadian here, I have to know Bear Naked Ladies' reference without prior written approval. Sorry. Sorry about that. I saw those guys when I was in high school,

when they, like, long before they hit in the States. Like, they had the bare naked ladies big day out. we skipped school and we went and saw them and they played If I had a million dollars and Brian Wilson and all their fucking hits and they were so Tweed and cute. Yeah. I like them because, you know, sometimes

they rap, you know? Absolutely. Elvis was a hero to most. Buddy Elvis was a hero to most. Buddy Rich was a hero to most. Buddy Ebson was a hero to most. Clever. Good stuff. It's very good. Good wordplay. Good summer camp rapping yeah oh yeah uh you can hide out under there i just made you say underwear beautiful yeah um anyways

it's been uh a great run we've been so uh just we felt so blessed that people actually enjoyed this show and wanted to hear it and wanted to um get more of it so we decided it's been a year we're going to do something special for the holidays um it is right now the middle slash end of honica depending on when this is released. It will be released before the new year. And we decided we're going to do a little holiday special. It's a bad Hasbara holiday special. We have some wonderful little cameos from previous guests.

And it is essentially a table read. If you're watching this, you may notice a lot of continuity errors in terms of visually. That's because we... Those are all intentional. That's right. Those are costume. slash set changes. This is part of the new Superman universe.

That's right. And so anything is possible. Anything is possible. But if you're listening, you won't notice at all any of the continuity issues or editing that went into this. But let me assure you there was a lot. So anyways, without further ado, we would like to present to you our Bad Hasbara holiday special. And it's called It's a World. It's a wonderful podcast.

Oh, God, I don't know what we're all saying it at the same time. Girls, won't you come out tonight? Won't you come out tonight? Won't you come out tonight? If we've had time to make it a musical. I know. I know. We didn't.

We could have done something for he-ha. Yeah, there's a lot. I watched this a wonderful life recently, kind of for the first time all the way through. There's way too much. There's altogether too much he-haying in that film. There's a, I feel like we're missing a meme from that era in which people just said, he-haw and that was like the entire joke you almost never hear about twitter from that era i know it's weird i bet people were bad at posting and that's why anyways again with literally without further ado

there will be no more ado it is time to present to you it's a wonderful podcast podcast sure is We invented the terry tomato And ways USB drives and the iron d'all Israeli salad, oozy stents and joccus orange rose Micro chips is us iPhone cameras us Taco salads us Polona babmos us

Olive garden us White costs for us Sabra Hamas As far as us Daniel Matte sits slumped over in his seat, looking into his webcam, and waiting for Matt Lieb to finish his tedious wrap-up of the Bad Hasbara podcast. And until next time, from the river to the sea, it's a Hanukkah bush, not a Christmas tree. Amazing, hilarious, and totally original. I love you. dog and i'm stopping the podcast and beautiful okay we're all done guys uh good work there's a

drop box link in the chat for your audio go ahead and send that to me okay he smiles and says his goodbyes and his smile collapses into a frown as soon as he closes his laptop he is so tired of this shit he is thought of nothing so tired of this shit Sorry, I'm just going to, I'm going to do that thing work. That's fine, do it. The dialogue matches the stage. Am I on camera for this whole thing, by the way? You're just here.

You're just here, buddy. He has thought of nothing but Palestine and genocide for a full year. Palestine and genocide and genocide and Palestine. He turns on the TV to tune out for a moment, only to be bombarded with a CNN special report about how Israel is now invading Syria and is gearing up to do regime change in Saskatchewan. Fucking Israel. He turns off the TV and heads to his piano. He starts playing Karma Police by Radiohead, but gets depressed when he remembers Tom York's

vocally anti-BDS stance. See you later, no! Fucking Radiohead. Fuck this. I need to be writing my own stuff. What am I doing? He opens up one of his composition notebooks. It is full of lyrics to Slapshot, The Musical,

his adaptation of the classic hockey comedy movie. All right, let's see here. You cross-checked my love right into the bench. What the actual fuck, A. I wasn't even near the puck, A. Five minutes for roughing, five minutes for roughing, five minutes for roughing. Five minutes for roughing my heart. What is this shit?

I hate this. When is this even from? He realizes that he hasn't written a single non-Palestine-related lyric since December 2003. Daniel gets a call from his girlfriend, Hadar, who he met at a Hanukkah party he threw last year in Los Angeles and who just moved to New York. Hey, honey, bunny, just making sure you remember to bring the kaffia I left at home. I want to wear it to the multi-faith prayer circle for Palestine tonight. Oh, shit. Daniel, you didn't forget, did you? No, no, I was just hoping it would get canceled. Tell me again why we're going to this thing. Because you, my dear, need more goddess

in your life. Ugh. I curse God out every day. What are you talking about? Seriously, Daniel, you've been kind of depressed lately and it's kind of a drag. I think some mystical prayer will set your heart straight. Plus, it's a fundraiser for Gaza. I think the organizers would be really good guests to have on Bad Hasbarah.

Oh, my God. Okay. Have you ever thought that maybe Bad Hasbara is part of why I'm depressed? You love that show. Sometimes I wonder if Matt Leib is your real soulmate and you got us mixed up. Well, I did meet you at the same Hanukkah party, so it's plausible. Okay, fine. Look, I'll see you at the devotional gathering prayer circle thing with the kaffia.

I love you. Daniel walks outside to get some air and pulls out his phone and starts recording. So, I was thinking about how social media and the whole being an influencer thing can really activate childhood trauma, which got me thinking about my dad and the book that we're still planning to write, except we can't seem to get started because all my attention's going into this... He deletes the video off his phone immediately. He starts chastising himself

for feeling the need to broadcast every single thought to turn any insight garnered in a moment of self-reflection into hashtag content. Chastise, chastise, chastise, chastise, chastise. He just wants to be in the moment. He looks away from his phone for a second and he immediately gazes up at a billboard reading, are you a self-hating capo?

Call the Jew-Belonged suicide hotline and we'll help you put yourself out of your misery. Oh, that's helpful. He opens his phone back up and he looks at his Instagram notifications. Daniel sees a bunch of comments on the latest Bad Hasbara clip. Thank you so much for speaking out.

You make me feel sane. I like when you talked about how Matt likes to do oral sex a lot. Ugh. Fucking social media. Daniel, not paying attention, walks into traffic. A driver slams on his brakes and Daniel narrowly avoids death.

Why don't you look where you're going, asshole? Sorry about that. Wait, are you Daniel Mate of the Bad Hasbara podcast? Yeah. Fuck you, Capo. Kill yourself. The driver spits out of his window and drives off. Petur. He gets a call from his brother Aaron.

Hey, Broski. Just wanted to triple confirm. you're coming to my spoken word reading. Shit. What do you think of this sick bar? When you say a sadist, all I hear is a sad dis. Aaron, I'm super sorry about this,

but Matt and Adam need me to record the Bad Hasbara holiday special that night. I really wish I could be there, but this fucking podcast keeps stealing my life. Hey, hey, don't bad mouth my favorite podcast. I just feel like everything's getting worse in the world and nothing we do makes a difference. Don't be silly.

You guys are doing really important work. I was on the train the other day and a guy asked me for money for food and I said, you know what? I got something better for you. Don't tell me you. That's right. I bought him a year's Patreon subscription.

The guy was speechless. I'll bet he was. Keep the faith, brother. Aaron hangs up. Later that night, Daniel and Hadar walk into the prayer for Palestine event. In the lobby before the event, a dude approaches.

I just want to say thanks for doing the podcast. It's so important to hear Jewish anti-Zionist voices, especially as a non-Jew who used to think that Jews and Israel were synonymous. I mean, hey, look, it's such a small contribution, but I'm so glad that it's... Are you kidding? If it wasn't for you guys showing me that not all Jews are like that, I don't know what I would have done. You know what I mean?

Hmm. I don't know what you mean. Let's just say I was reading a lot of 1930s German pamphers. Wait, what? Anyway, thanks for all you do. The dude walks away. Fucking anti-Semites. I have to get out of here.

I just need some air. Daniel starts pushing and shoving his way out of the lobby. You can't hide from God, Mate. I can try, Cohen. Daniel runs out of the event space and ends up on the Williamsburg Bridge overlooking the East River. God damn it. I was supposed to do so much more. with my life. I'm not writing. I'm not creating. I'm totally stuck. I wish I'd never met

Matt Lieb. I wish there was no podcast. Oh, you do, do you? Tieg. What are you doing here? I'm your guardian angel. And I'm here to grant your Christmas wish. But I don't celebrate Christmas. I'm Jewish. Okay. I'm Irish. And I do celebrate Christmas. And my Christmas wish, is to grant you, my little Jewish friend, a Christmas wish, bow. Well, for me, it would be a Hanukkah wish. Do you want me to grant you your eight shitty little wishes or one big wish? What wish? What are you talking about? This whole last year didn't happen.

You mean there was no October 7th? No, genocide? No, that happened, unfortunately. I can't seem to reverse that one. I think the Jews secretly controlled the wish industry, to be honest with you. What? Sorry, what I mean is your silly little podcast never happened. You said you wish you never met Matt Lieb and that the bad Hasbara podcast had never started. And using my angel powers provided to me by, no offence, the one true God, Jesus Christ, I have granted that wish.

So now you'll see what your life was like. I think you'll find your podcasts had far more of an effect on people than you ever knew, Daniel. Daniel? This is messed up. I need to call Hadar. Daniel picks up his phone to call Hadar, but can't find the number. Her number's not there. What do you mean?

You never met Hadar. You never flew out to L.A. to do Hanukkah, and so you never got to meet. He goes on Instagram and sees that he and Hadar are not following each other. But she's posted a story that says, Because in NYC for a super cool Gaza fundraiser with my spiritual peeps, he goes back to his profile and notices something. Holy shit, my followers. Gone down, have they? You see, you never started doing the podcast and never started making anti-Zionist content.

And so all those people who followed you because they loved your... I have 10 million followers. You what? How? I don't know. Once again, Daniel almost runs into traffic. The same driver slams on his brakes. Adam, your driver.

Oh, sorry. Adam Driver. Why don't you look where you're walking, asshole? Sorry about that. Wait, you look familiar. You almost hit me with your car an hour ago. No, that's not it. Are you the guy who wrote Slapshot the musical?

How the hell? You are. I love that musical. Congrats on the Tony. The driver peels away. I won a Tony Award? I suppose you did. Wow.

Mazel Toff or whatever you say. Daniel's phone starts ringing. It's his brother, Aaron. Hey, just wanted to say, if you want to bring a date tonight to my slam poetry reading, there's room. I thought I told you I can't

because I have to do the Bad Hesbar Christmas special. The what? Is that a new musical? No, it's my... Look, just be there a few minutes early and again, And if you want to bring one of those Broadway actresses you've been hanging out with, it's all good.

Broadway actresses? Yeah. What about that one who starred in your show, Edina Menzel? I mean, her thank you to you at her Tony's speech was really something. Hubba, hubba. Aaron hangs up and Daniel looks at Tyke. Wasn't this supposed to convince me that doing the podcast was a good thing? Look, man, I'm as surprised as you are, yeah?

Like, you may have won a Tony and are on the verge of dating Broadway legend, Edina Menzel of frozen wicked fame. But at what cost, you know? Literally dozens of people who you were keeping sane are now insane. And what about Hadar? Seriously, forget Adina Menzel. Maybe I can catch Hadar on the way out of this spiritual gathering thing. Daniel runs over to the gathering where he left Hadar. The event has ended and the people are filling out. Sorry, the event has ended and the people are filing out. They're getting fatter. They're really getting big. They used to be so lanky.

It's great. Another big guys. He sees that fan from earlier talking to another random podcaster. Thank you so much for speaking. If it wasn't for you showing me that not all Jews are psychopathic freaks, I would have been doing hate crimes. Hey, sorry to barge in, but you know what I think? And don't ask me how I know this.

It has to do with parallel timelines and counterfactual universes and wishes made on magic Irish. But I think that you just wanted to be doing hate crimes and this bullshit about thanking Jews for showing you that you don't have to hate Jews is, I think you're just fooling yourself. I just kind of think underneath it all, you kind of just hate Jews. Listen, I was with you through parallel timelines and counterfactual universes, but magical Irishman is a bridge too far, just like a Jew to push it. you hear that tag he doesn't believe in you Daniel finds Hadar walking out alone Hadar oh my god I'm having the weirdest night Um do I know you

Yes I'm your boyfriend I'm a single dude single and loving it Like I said never mesh Please Hadar okay I know this sounds crazy But I come from a different timeline where we are together, and I made a wish to change everything, not because of you. And if I'm honest, I kind of prefer this timeline so far, which is not how this guy expected it would go. I'm his guardian angel.

But it would really ruin everything if I didn't end up with you in this timeline. He's a Tony award-winning lyricist, just to say. I don't really care what you are, as long as you're not a podcaster, especially a political one. I've had it up to here with these Ashki Americans who think they understand the Middle East. Technically, he's an Ashki Canadian. Yes, I am, but I am happy to report that I am not a podcaster. Okay, pick me up tomorrow at seven hot stuff. Daniel and Hadar exchange numbers.

Win-win. Taig, I think we can both agree. This is a much better reality. Can I stay? Yeah, I suppose so. I mean, it's your Christmas wish. I have to say, I've never seen seen such a positive butterfly effect. Usually alternate realities are much worse. Wait, let me check the news. TIG takes Daniel's phone and checks Al Jazeera. No, nothing changed there. So the podcast was a net neutral on that front. Yeah, I suppose you can stay, although they may clip my wings for this. Thank you, Tyg. Don't thank me, buddy. Thank the true Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Really? After all that? You Jews, I'm telling you. Okay, fine. I mean, he was one too. Thank you, Jesus.

TIG is about to give Daniel's phone back when he notices something on the screen. Oh, dear. What? It's, um, it's Matt Leib. Oh, God, what happened? Is he dead? No. No, I think it might be worse. Tieg and Daniel look at the phone. They see Matt's Instagram. account. It's a clip of a podcast called Matt's Muckbang. Alexa, Studio Red. Oh, my God.

Hey, it's me, Matt Lieb. Welcome to Matt Leeb's Muckbang, where I eat all sorts of foods that you tell me to eat. And this week, we're doing a new food challenge in celebration of my recently settled divorce with Francesca Infidelity Chini of the way Francesca Fioran. Daniel scrolls back through Matt's Instagram. He and Tyge watch the videos in chronological order beginning in December of 2023 when the Bad Hasbara podcast was supposed to have started. Every time Daniel flips to the next video, Matt looks more disheveled and more crazed. So today I'm going to eat 10 pounds of sepical extra strength lozenges. First up is cherry flavor.

Let's eat all of the cherry flavor lozenges. These have benzokane in them. It'll make my throat, like, all numb. I won't be able to feel none. Because sometimes I don't want to feel. I'm kind of getting sick and tired of all the politics in my household. My wife talks a lot about politics. I'm just trying to eat some animal crackers, roughly 20 pounds of them for the muckbang.

Matt, there's a literal genocide. going on right now. Okay, I get that, Francesca, and obviously that's bad, but I'm also seeing a lot of anti-Semitism coming from this podcast, okay? And I think that's just as important. So get this. Now, apparently, war is genocide or ethnic cleansing, according to my wife. She's gone, folks. No more wife. Matt leave free. Matt Lieb on dating at. good for Matt Lee so the judge says the judge says to me it says supervised visits with my daughter because of my lifestyle choices oh I'm sorry I'm sorry isn't my fault that my career is dependent on eating several hundred thousand calories a day in order to have money to put food

on the table to eat in front of my fans no that's not my fault at all I thought this was the downtown Abbey rewatch podcast should I just go she can't take my life away from me I don't need her I don't need women. I don't need anything. And you know what? I'm starting to think that maybe she's Hamas. Matt, Matt, are you all right?

What do you mean? This is supposed to be a Shasta McNasty podcast. Oh, I hate this shit. I feel like I'm in an alternate timeline. Like, this is a different reality. Somebody made a wish, and then the wish came true, and it worked out for everybody about me.

Daniel and Tyg, look at each other, processing this pitiful sight. A once fun and vibrant friend or maybe friend is too far. More like a colleague than friend. Or better yet, co-worker. You're my friend. A co-worker of their...

Self-deprecating stage directions. My God. A, let's say, acquaintance. Acquaintance of theirs who drew the short end of the alternate reality stick. Divorced, demoralized, and doomed to a life of creating vapid and disposable content.

for an ever-shinking audience of emotionally stunted sycophantic sadists, rubber-necking his misery, hogs who ingests the pureed pain-slop in order to feel better about their own wretched lives. Beautiful. TIG, I don't think I can do this. I can't do this to Matt. What do you mean? He's fine. Look at the numbers on his most recent video. Today I'm going to try every flavor of bullet.

He's having a grand old time. Look, Tyg, I appreciate everything you've done for me. You've shown me that if I did anything other than this podcast, well, sure, I'd have far more professional success and I wouldn't even lose anything in my personal life in the bargain. But I'd be abandoning the people who need this podcast. You know, the people who love us, the people who depend on us. Yeah, I mean, you're saying people, but it's truly just matched. The people whose lives are made slightly less hopeless for 90-ish minutes a week or 180 minutes, depending on if we do a Patreon bonus episode, which we are trying to do more regularly and promise to be better at in the new year. People who need a place where they can just be honest about what they are seeing with their own eyes.

A place where they can have questions that they were too afraid to ask, answered. A place that exposes the cruel face of Zionism and laughs at them. in it. And yes, Matt, that pathetic bastard. Wow. That was beautiful, Daniel. And it sounds like your mind's made up. The downside is you'll have to go back to thinking about Israel all the time. The upside is, I think I'm going to get my wings, which means I will no longer have to worry about being put on an all-fly list due to my political views. Are you ready? I am ready. Daniel and Tyg

hold hands and close their eyes When Daniel opens his eyes TIG is gone and he is standing at the edge of the Williamsburg Bridge He checks his phone and sees That he has a voicemail from Matt Leeb Hey, I just sent you a link to Stream Yard Get on quick! It's a Christmas miracle

Daniel runs home and gets on his laptop He clicks the link and sees Matt and Adam hey what's up guys what happened i thought of an ending for the holiday special you're gonna love it i'm sure i am because i love everything about this podcast starting with the two of you i know that dog i know that dog too you guys sounds like you were saying i know that dog hey that i know that dog I know that dog. I know it. It's my dog. Sorry. Okay. You do you guys? I just feel like I haven't been showing much appreciation for what we've built together. You know, I've been so wrapped up in my own feelings and forgetting that this isn't about me. And you know what? I promise to change that in the coming year. Dog. Yes, Matt? You said come.

I'm cutting this out. It'll like calm. Anyways, Matt pulls out his microphone and starts singing with a heavy auto tune. All right, let's wrap up this holiday special. Should all the acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind? Should old acquaintance be forgot in the days of Old Langside? Everyone, for Old Langside, my dear, for Old Langside, we'll drink a cup of timeless yet for the sake of Old Lanside. Menism sucks.

Bikram yoga us, eating food, us, breathing air, us, drinking water, us. We invented all that shit. Thank you.