Barbell Shrugged - Building A Badass — Big Brother & A Bigger Lesson — 7

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hi, everybody. This is Christmas Abbott, and I am sharing my personal journey with you on building a badass in the Shrug Collective. I am so grateful for you listening to my story, and I'm hoping that you can take something away that helps you, empowers you, elevates you, whatever it may be that you want to learn from my experiences, that's what I want you to take. So I hope that you find that today. Last week, I gave you my experience on how I became a national bestseller, but ultimately, just the willingness to try something new, but also know that what you know is real and that you are experienced and educated. And there are other people that don't know as much as you. So own that, own yourself. This week, I'm going to talk to you about my Big Brother experience. And in addition to that, I'm going to talk to you about my post,

Starting point is 00:01:09 it's kind of pre and post Big Brother experience, where I was just in a dark, hard place. And I just didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. And all of my discipline that I had learned before wasn't serving me. So I know that we all go through hard times, whether it's a day, a week, even years. And sometimes we can become a little bit just immersed in our own being in that hard time, that we forget how to give ourselves the chance to get out of it or how to get out of it. And through a series of tragic experiences, this put me in that place

Starting point is 00:01:55 of being and without seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and practicing what I had practiced before, but it wasn't working. So for me, I had to do something different and find my fire again. And I had never been in a place like this before. And honestly, it took the unexpected to pull me out of it. So I just want to kind of share that with you. And honestly, on a side note, as a strong social media influencer, a fitness guru, expert, whatever you want to call me, I don't know. It's kind of humorous sometimes. I'm just honestly an enthusiast about life. I love life. I love living life. I love trying new things in life. I love what this life has brought me, the good and the bad, the challenges and the rewards, all of it. And this is a long, slow lesson. And so I also want to just kind of shine some of that struggle with you,

Starting point is 00:03:11 because I know that somebody out there right now is in it, and they don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, and they don't know how to get out of it, and they're not sure where it's going to take them. And I'm hoping that you listen to the end of the podcast, because I do want to circle back around to this point. And with this point, it's truly, man, I get emotional about this. It's moving. I don't know how else to say it. So with that cliffhanger, I'm going to dive into my experience with Big Brother. Oh my gosh. Okay. So first of all,

Starting point is 00:03:59 Josh Paul, love you guys. You are the best. We are still the misfits. And yes, we are still friends and we still keep in touch. And honestly, I really enjoyed everybody as the house guests in the house that I was exposed to. Everybody had their own quirk that they brought to the table. And for me, I'm not going to hold grudges. I'm not that kind of person. I can appreciate people for who they are, even if we don't get along all the time. And then a huge announcement for Jess and Cody. Congratulations.

Starting point is 00:04:38 You guys are bringing another baby into this world and being pregnant myself. I know that they are just overwhelmed with love and happiness. So congratulations to you too. I love it. You guys are the true winners of this, that season and congrats. I love seeing love survive. Okay. So let's get into Big Brother. Oh, Big Brother. So, I had been exposed to Big Brother a little bit years and years before, but I, you know, in all honesty, I wasn't a super fan like Josh. And, you know, I really didn't completely know what I was getting into. But I received a message on my Instagram. I do try and get to all of those messages, guys. So if you're a company or anything out there trying to reach out, I actually get the emails

Starting point is 00:05:37 through my websites a little bit faster. So if you want to email me for something or a request, then info at christmasabbot.com is a great one. Also, if you do direct message me on Instagram, I try and respond to all the ones that I feel something for, which we'll get into a little bit later. And otherwise, if you're just saying, hey, great job or something, I appreciate you. Keep going. So I received a message asking if I was interested in auditioning for Big Brother. And my immediate response was, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I just love

Starting point is 00:06:15 any challenge. I love any opportunity. And I often say yes without really knowing what I'm saying yes to as you guys have heard throughout this series. It makes for a very interesting life. And they said, great, go fill out this application, send us a video. And so I did have to go through the entire process as every other person does. And just because they reached out doesn't mean that I was streamlined in any way. It just meant that they were interested in my character that they had seen, but that wasn't a shoo-in at all. So I went and I put everything in, submitted everything. And I'll tell you, before I, you know, I went through a series of interviews and tests, so many things, but they liked me. And I'm going to be quite frank with you. This was early in 2017, and I had just gone through a pretty, pretty hard breakup. Yet another one. So that might be its own series of podcasting about my notorious love life.

Starting point is 00:07:30 Man, there's so many ways that I could take this and run with it. But it really deserves its own highlight in my life. So but I'll be honest with you, my ex and I, we're on good terms. I love him dearly. He loves me dearly. And sometimes just things don't work out and that doesn't make it easier. So I was in a really hard breakup, not bad or messy, just hard. The hardest to date, actually. And I was in a very, very fragile, emotional place because of it. And that had happened in February. So I hadn't really connected with myself again. I had, there was a, honestly, there was a month that I didn't even leave my house because of it. And thank God for my team, specifically Jenny,

Starting point is 00:08:31 hey, Jenny, for holding down the fort because I just, for the first time in my life, I just stopped and was sad and didn't dive into something immediately right afterwards to try and, you know, cover that bandage or cover that wound. I was really just in a very dark place, but also trying to allow myself to grieve properly. So I was trying to learn my lessons. And then so I started slowly kind of getting back into everything. And then suddenly, big brother calls. And I'm like, well, I need a challenge because that's how I overcome things

Starting point is 00:09:20 in my past is through challenges, and new adventures and thriving through work. And I love working. I mean, I do it. I do love my life, all of it. And so it just seemed like a really good idea at the time. Yes. Let me go through this traumatic breakup, this experience. And then a few months later, just as I'm starting to emerge into life, get confined into a house with 15 other strangers with no books, no writing, no music, no TV, no connection to the outside world for three months. Because that sounds like a good idea, Christmas. Let's do it. Oh man. So you can imagine that like, maybe I wasn't as reflective as I should have been, or maybe this is exactly what I needed to do. I couldn't tell at the time, but I know that I was excited about it. I wanted an adventure. I

Starting point is 00:10:20 needed a challenge. And even though I wasn't a super Big Brother fan, I was a fan of trying new things. I was a fan of just pushing myself and seeing what happens. And that was exactly what I was signing up for. Excuse me. And so I go through the interview process and I'm me and I just, you know, they keep saying yes, yes, yes. And I keep going to the next level and I'm like, oh my gosh, this might happen. I'm looking around. I'm like, I need to prepare. Luckily, because I'm such a workaholic, me and my company were already so far ahead of schedule. We were about nine months ahead of schedule for everything.

Starting point is 00:11:09 And thank God because we were able to rock it out. And Jenny took the lead on a couple things while I was gone, but I made it. I made it to the finals. I was a house guest of Big Brother. I had been chosen. And they gave me my key and I love it. I still want to go back, which is kind of crazy. But so I get into the house and I'm thinking, man, I'm just going to tell them I'm a retired

Starting point is 00:11:39 athlete, you know, but my thing going into the house is that I know Big Brother is all about lies, manipulation, strategy, leverage. And I just don't particularly like to feed that part of me for manipulation and things like that. It can be useful, but I wanted to do it in a positive way. So even though I could leverage and align and manipulate, I wanted to be honest and be more of myself, which hadn't really been shown on Big Brother. So my thing going into Big Brother was that I was going to be me and I was going to be forthcoming, you know, honest, which actually helped me a lot. So day one, I'm on the block.

Starting point is 00:12:36 So I'm there with two others about to get voted out. I haven't even been in the house 12 hours. Like day one, I'm on the block and I'm looking around. I'm going, well, this didn't work out the way that I thought it was going to. And so then I've just never really campaigned for stuff. I'm a little bit modest in some areas of my life. In other areas, I'm very confident. And maybe I didn't have the skills to play Big Brother the way some others have in the past, but it worked for me. So night one, I was on the block and I stayed. I didn't have to go home. And I just kind of like, that was a reality of, oh man, I could literally go home anytime and I don't want to

Starting point is 00:13:25 because I'm a competitor. I want to be able to do my best. So fast forward a little bit, the way Big Brother works is that you have 16 strangers in a house and every week there's a physical competition. And the person who wins that physical competition is head of household, also known as HOH. The head of household will nominate two people to go on the block and the rest of the house will vote to evict one of those two people. So there's a combination of competitiveness, whether it's physical, mental, and then there's also this social game that you're playing 24-7. So one game out of the entire week is potentially physical or mental. But the rest of the time that you're

Starting point is 00:14:25 in the house, you're talking to people, you're making friends, you're making alliances, you're making enemies, you're pissing people off. And you have to play a strong social game because you can't win every week. And if you win HOH this week, then you're not eligible to win it next week. So don't let that power go to your head, boo-boo, because that will get you on the block fast, which in my season, you saw that happened. People go on power trips and forget that they're playing this game and that they're not going to have protection next week. So there's a lot of social strategy. So fast forward a little bit, day 13, it's kind of strange in the beginning because we're in the house for a little bit before the

Starting point is 00:15:14 actual show starts. And Jason, aka Cowboy, and I, we always wake up early. So a lot of the house guests like to try and sleep in, but they'll give us one song in the morning. And that one song is just like heaven to your ears, no matter what song it is. And you get up and you run around and you know that the day's going to start. And so myself and Jason and Kevin would always wake up a little bit early and just enjoy the music. So this morning, we woke up and they're playing Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy. And Jason's a cowboy. I'm like a wild child. So before we even get to have our coffee um we're dancing and swing dancing in the living room and then you know he gives me a piggyback ride and we're running around and we're just I mean it's like adult camp okay there's not much else for us to do other than make the time

Starting point is 00:16:22 fun for ourselves and then he runs outside and then he turns around and outside there's turf, not real grass. It looks great. I love it. And he slips. And when he slips, we fall. Well, the series of fall was foot, Christmas, Jason. And so we fall. And I roll over and I say, I broke my foot. And he's like, no, you just sprained your ankle. And I was like, I broke my foot, get production. And he's like, no, no, no, you just rolled your ankle. And I was like, I broke my fucking foot. I felt every bone. There's more than one. And the reality in that moment, I knew. I knew so many things in that moment. And it's still very difficult because I'm still dealing with the aftermath.

Starting point is 00:17:18 And I'm not mad at Jason. You know, that was not intentional. I am upset that he did try and vote me out twice. That is completely different. But, you know, I'm not upset with him at all. I'm upset because, you know, I have these limitations now that I'm working to get past. But I just didn't know what that meant for my future as an athlete. And in one split broken second, I felt all of my past history accomplishments

Starting point is 00:17:56 and through my future goals in that moment, because I knew that whatever I had ahead of me that I wanted to achieve as an athlete was going to be exponentially harder. And I didn't know the severity of the footbreak, but I knew it was bad. And I got treatment. I had an amazing surgeon. Honestly, Big Brother took very good care of me. I didn't get to go out and listen to music or anything. I got almost prisoner style taken to the hospital. I had my surgery. I would see the doctor. The doctor came to Big Brother in the diary room and then I would come home. I absolutely didn't get exposed to anything outside of the world or information or anything beyond what was going on in the house.

Starting point is 00:18:56 So I come back from the doctor, and I'm given a choice. Stay and play and not have any of the competitions adjusted. So I would either be able to participate or not. And if I wasn't able to participate, then I wasn't able to win that week. Talk about a sitting duck. And then two, if I was able to participate, it was very difficult. So I could either stay and not have anything adjusted, or two, I could go home and heal at home. Now, as a competitor, because I am that now, and as a very strong-willed person, I knew there was not a question. I didn't hesitate what my answer was. I want to stay. I want to compete. I'm here. I've made it this far. If I'm going to be out of this house,

Starting point is 00:20:01 it's because either big brother, the decision makers are going to send me out of this house, or I'm getting evicted. Or I'm walking out of this house as a winner. Those are my only options. I'm not leaving this house out of my choice. So I don't know if that was the best decision, but it was what I decided at that time. So now, now I'm in this house and talk about sitting duck, like I can't sneak up on people and listen to their conversations because my crutches make noise. My, makes noise. Peppy. And so I'm not only physically handicapped, but I'm also just not able to sneak up or eavesdrop or hide or anything. And then I had pain medicine. This was my break, just to give you a little bit of an idea of it, is a Les Frank fracture.

Starting point is 00:21:11 And it is also known as a saddle break, actually. So when people, cowboys or hunters would fall or soldiers would fall off their horse, get bucked off their horse, and their foot stayed in the saddle, then it would break because it would basically twist their midfoot and all the midbones would break. Not easy to repair, not easy to heal, and one of the most painful breaks in the foot possible. Awesome. That was my break. So I had 10 broken bones in my midfoot. One of them was just shattered so much that they actually had to use like a diver bone when they reconstructed my foot. And I mean, they're not like resetting bones. They're reconstructing my foot. So now I have a horseshoe plate and another plate, which is really ironic.

Starting point is 00:22:14 He's a cowboy. We're piggyback riding, save horse, ride a cowboy. I get a saddle break. And then I have this horseshoe in there. I mean, the irony is not lost. And I have 10 screws, two pins. I broke 10 bones, severed my tendon that held the bones together, and then also severed my main nerve.

Starting point is 00:22:39 So they went in three different sides, on both sides in the center, when they reconstructed my foot. Now, I had a great surgeon. It was meant for the hardware to come out, which normally they would fuse this foot. And because I'm an athlete, they wanted more bounce in my foot. So we were trying to get a little bit of a better end result for what my career was, which meant that it was a longer recovery, harder surgery, and just a harder time. So needless to say, I was in pain, real pain, when I came back to the house and I would have to regulate my medicine.

Starting point is 00:23:28 And so the medicine, I mean, if you've ever been on or come out of surgery, I was supposed to be on my pain medicine for about two months. I think I stayed on it for about a month before I pulled myself off just because I don't like being on medicine, but also it makes me foggy. I just don't like the potential that it causes. And so it also affected my game. I would not remember things correctly. We would do these mind games and I would just be frustrated because my mind was fuzzy. And even though I knew the answer, it wouldn't come fast enough.

Starting point is 00:24:00 So not only am I taken out physically, I'm also kind of taken out mentally. And then socially, I tried to make my rounds, but a lot of times everybody was outside and I couldn't go outside because my foot swelled. So it was a difficult time. And then you're also kind of the prisoner of your own mind because there's no stimulation in this house. There's no books. There's no books. There's no reading. We pass the Bible around because that was the only book in the house.

Starting point is 00:24:31 And, you know, otherwise we just sit around and tell each other stories. And that was my favorite part, really, is just talking and hearing people's perspective and getting to know them. But also you have to remember that the more you expose yourself of who you are and your stories, the more somebody can psychologically profile you. So it's really a very difficult game, but I love it. I love it. And I ended up becoming really good friends with Josh and Paul. I saw Paul working the entire house and I was like, hey, as long as he's working the house, then great. I don't have to do that. And Josh just night one, he freaked out and I just felt for him. I wanted

Starting point is 00:25:24 to help him. I wanted to help him. I wanted to ease his anxiety because he was having a really, really rough time. And then I tried to stay away from him, but he just kept coming around. And so I would try and coach him on how to not pop his top or how to be cool and just not get into so much trouble or bring so much attention to himself. Because a lot of times you just got to lay low and be quiet. And sometimes you got to stand up for yourself, which he did an excellent job doing both. So we're towards the end, and I mean, honestly, knowing Paul was aligned with everybody worked in my favor. Knowing Josh had my back 100% was also in my favor.

Starting point is 00:26:16 And, you know, we ended up being this great little trio. And I was able to make some major moves and some things that were helpful to everybody. So the three of us all participated in this team. And I just had a really great time. We would have hammock talks and just enjoy ourselves. So towards the end, I knew, I had a feeling that Josh was blowing Paul's spot up in the DRs. And then also, Paul had kind of aligned with everybody, but really, he always gravitated back towards me and Josh. So when it worked out that we were gonna ultimately be the final three i knew that even though i had probably pissed some people off that whoever took that last one was going to not take me so i really tried in the third to last competition to to at least beat out one of the two guys so I could go to the last two

Starting point is 00:27:25 and at least have a fighting chance. But unfortunately, I still wasn't on weight bearing with my foot. It was climbing all these steps, shooting down this sequence of house guests cutouts, and then running back down to grab ammo and then coming back up. And it just really, really took it out of me. And it was difficult. And I honestly, it was the first time that I've ever not been able to perform to my want and my ability. Not the first time there was a time in weightlifting that I failed, but it was a hard one to swallow. You know, I made it all the way there. I'm still frustrated being in this cast, and I failed. So failing made Josh be able to pick who he took to the final two, which was Paul.

Starting point is 00:28:24 And honestly, I would have done the same thing because Paul had made more enemies than Josh himself or me. So it was a perfect strategy game move, bravo. And Josh also knew that if he had taken me to the final two, that they would have probably, and I'm not saying for absolute, but more than likely voted over me versus Josh. And that's okay. So I was third place and it was good. Yes, I wanted to win. But at the same time, I remember being there and Josh had told me that he was going to take me to final two and I wasn't going to gravel. I wasn't going to beg or put myself in a position where I felt that I hadn't served myself well. Now, I probably could have reminded him in a better way, but regardless, he made his decision and that's okay. And I think that Josh winning has been exceptional. He is a great role model for what can happen when you win. And he does a lot of great things with children and charities.

Starting point is 00:29:34 And I'm really, really happy for him. So that in a very small nutshell, very, very small nutshell is my big brother experience, which I absolutely loved. Coming out of Big Brother was hard, way harder than I thought. And even though it took me a little bit longer to recover from being in Iraq when I came home, the initial coming home from Iraq was easier than coming out of Big Brother. And that wasn't because of Big Brother. It was just because of the way the games played, the isolation, and then me getting into my own head. And then, you know, like, I don't get to write. I don't get to read.

Starting point is 00:30:20 I don't get to listen to music, which all are therapies for me. And then also working out. I struggled to work out because I have this very painful cast and a broken foot in this cast. And so the little bit of workout that I was able to do was barely enough of anything. Think about doing not even full air squats, but I had to squat on the couch on my knees compared to squatting 200 pounds for reps and reps. It's not the same. So I really was my own worst enemy in this house. And coming out of it was just a shock. I was shell shocked. I hadn't been stimulated or had a conversation other than face to face with anybody and 92 days I was inside that house. Now I'm also in isolation

Starting point is 00:31:16 a little bit before and a day afterwards to prevent for things for the show. But so I was actually in isolation for 100 days, 100 days. And yeah, you have people in the house, but you can't really let your guard down all the time. And like I said, all of my therapies had been kind of taken away from me and I struggled. And there were things that I could have done differently. Talk to the cameras a little bit more, talk out loud to myself a little bit more to get out of my head, which I know it seems crazy to watch, be like, oh my God, that bitch is talking to herself all by herself and answering. But it's much better than the alternative, which is just staying inside your head. So it's funny. It's funny. So coming out of the house, I had a really hard time. One with the social adjustment, but two,

Starting point is 00:32:14 the reality of my foot set in. For some reason, it had kind of flashed a couple of times in the house. But here I am in the house trying to pretend like it doesn't hurt. It doesn't bother me. I'm fine. I'm totally capable. I was suffering so damn much. And I don't mean just physically.

Starting point is 00:32:35 I just mean like difficulty. Getting up to go pee was a challenge and not wanting to look like I need or want help. And that I was deserving to be there. And that I wasn't going to be a burden. And that I wasn't something that could hurt themselves further. You know, I really struggled to show that I was capable. And I did show that I was capable because I was, but it wasn't without a hard fucking time. So coming out of the house made me kind of realize that this was real. My foot was still in a boot. I was just putting weight bearing on. So

Starting point is 00:33:22 meaning that I just was the first week that I didn't have to walk without my crutches. And it was so difficult. So coming out, I wasn't even able to jump into my routine, which was workout. And so I tried a lot. And then I was finally able to take the boot off and slowly start yoga and a light workout here and there. And then when I was really getting into my groove, finally, that I felt like I was making progress towards healing. Now, every day I woke up and I had to test my foot.

Starting point is 00:33:58 It hurt, but every day it just was, how much is it going to hurt today? How much trouble is it going to give me today? And so finally, I was getting into a groove where it wasn't good, but it was a little better than before. So I would take that progress. And then I had the surgery in early December to remove the hardware. And then that just reset me, but set me back a little bit further because I didn't have that stability in my foot.

Starting point is 00:34:25 So I lost a lot of the confidence in my foot that I had built over the last few months without having crutches. It was, man, that shit sucked. Sucked. So while this is actually going on, I'm sitting on my back porch, listening to music, writing in my journal feverishly, and kind of like just isolating myself even more. Trying to work out, but not really getting a great workout because my broken foot.

Starting point is 00:34:55 And I'm just still in this cycle. And I didn't know how to pull myself out of it. My friends would come over and we would have a good time, but then I wouldn't be able to talk to people on the phone't be able to talk to people on the phone because I had to talk to them face-to-face or FaceTime. And so it's just like this bizarre series of events where it took me a long time to kind of get into a place where I actually seemed normal to other people. Because when I came out of Big Brother, I remember Jenny and I went to Whole Foods. It was maybe a couple weeks afterwards,

Starting point is 00:35:32 you know, in a maybe a week or two, I'm not sure exactly. But I'm walking around with sunglasses on in the middle of the day in Whole Foods, because I don't want anybody to see my eyes. That's a big brother house shit right there. Come on. And then I'd be like, I'd ask Jenny, I'm like, why is everybody being so timid towards me? What's going on? And she would very timidly and politely just be like, well, Christmas, you're a little different now, right now. You You just seem a little bit more fragile right now. I'm like, but I'm fine. And really, the reality is that I was not reset. I was not myself yet.

Starting point is 00:36:13 And people's looks of concern made it even more, it made me more anxious. So if you know somebody coming out of the Big Brother house right now, just, man, treat them normal. Be excited for them. Look them in the eye. And if you see them wearing sunglasses, it's normal. Okay? Strange behavior is normal coming out of the Big Brother house. And honestly, people always ask me, would you do it again Christmas? Hell yeah, I would. For as crazy and hard of an experience it was, I loved it. I loved it. I loved it. I loved it. It was so fun and I would love to be able to go back and play like I know that I can with my physical ability, social game, and just be a little bit more me and not broken foot

Starting point is 00:37:05 and on pain medicine trying to figure out what's happening. So I hope that Big Brother considers me again and not this year, right? But eventually, I would love to, I'd love to try it again, because it was such a challenge, really, truly something truly something very different. So during this time, post Big Brother House, but pre-Christmas backing back into herself, I spent a lot of time by myself. I spent a lot of time just with friends that I would have face-to-face conversations. And I did a lot of reflecting

Starting point is 00:37:45 over the last few years, not just the last few months. So during that time, I journaled and I wanted to be honest with myself about how I was in the position that I'm in because I just had unfortunate event after unfortunate event. And I'm like, okay, common denominator is me. Let's be real. And what is it that either one I'm doing, or two not doing? Or what is the lesson that I'm overlooking? And how can I implement this going forward? Now, that takes a lot. Holy cow. And I wasn't sure because I knew that the things that had served me before, you know, throwing myself into work, working out, things like that, social media,

Starting point is 00:38:42 I loved it, you know, it was my therapy that wasn't working for me and it confused me and it frustrated me and it scared me. So what I started doing a little bit more of that I hadn't been for a while was starting to read my fan mail. Now, I don't want you to think that I just disregarded my fan mail previously, but for the most part, I would read a little bit here and there. I would answer some questions, but I didn't dive into it the way that I did at this point, and like I had done in the beginning. So there's the key there, is that I had skipped out on some of my fan mail for a while. And I'm not saying that that's the cause of everything, right?

Starting point is 00:39:30 But it helped me in a way that I was not prepared for. Or I didn't think that it was going to serve me so much that once I started reading, I couldn't stop. And I still can't stop. So I started reading and I'll get messages, you know, Christmas, thank you so much. Watching you persevere with a broken foot and big brother helped me realize that I was able to go out for the basketball team and that it was okay to try. And I was able to do that because of you. And I got message after message after message about people finding their inner strength because they watched me struggle with mine. That's pretty darn powerful. Now, if that gets you moved, then what blew my mind was when I started getting, not started, or two, but a handful. I'm talking about a handful of messages from different people

Starting point is 00:40:50 about how, even in that time, because said made them decide not to commit suicide. It made them realize that something in their life was worth living for, and maybe they just didn't know it yet. Now, when you receive a message of that magnitude, and you are in some of the darkest places that you have ever been, the platform to share my story. Because without sharing my story, there would be a few less people in the world today. And I'm just so grateful that they were willing to listen for a second and look at themselves differently and make a different decision in that moment. And I can't tell you how that just knowing that there were people out there

Starting point is 00:42:33 taking my suffering and allowing it to heal them made me feel and that healed me. Burden or blessing, whatever you want to call it, I'm not sure, but I just think of all those out there who haven't received their message of their own capability, of their own light, and that they're in this dark turmoil place and they just don't see any other way out for whatever reason, right? Because it's not cut or dry or black or white. But I just think about them. And for as many messages that I got of somebody telling me that they decided not to take their own life. I think about the flip side and that there are so many others who have decided for their own reasons that there is no light in their life anymore. So for all of those suffering out there today, and there are countless of you, this message is for you. I know it feels impossible and some days it truly fucking is. But this is a season in your life. It's a chapter. It is a period. This is not

Starting point is 00:44:09 your forever. And we all have hard times and big, big, big fucking pain, deep pain. But your courage, your light that maybe just isn't flickering right now is so much bigger. So much fucking bigger. Even if you don't see it yet, it is there. And eventually, you will feel it, you will embrace it, you will believe it, and you will reveal a new you that is stronger and different in ways that I simply cannot explain to you right now. And I know that you simply cannot imagine this in this moment.

Starting point is 00:44:53 But in this moment, you don't have to see the light to know that it is inside of you. You don't have to feel it for it to be able to grow. Just take a breath. And another breath and another breath and just keep fucking breathing. so you can say 2017 caked my fucking ass but man the lessons that I learned were so worth it. And I'm just so happy and blessed that I had the tragedies and the unfortunate experiences that I did over the last few years because I'm learning such great, beautiful lessons finally, because I'm open to receiving them and I'm open to changing and I'm open to a little bit more of what the world wants to give me instead of just me taking from the world. So in my next episode,

Starting point is 00:46:19 I take you to not what brought me out of this, because, you know, I brought myself out of this dark hole, but with the help of my fans and the messages they brought me. But I'm going to take you to the best month of my life to date, which was January 2018. And I will tell you all the wonderful things that I had in that month. But at the end of the month, I discovered that I was pregnant. And so my next episode, which is my last episode of this season, is The Unexpected Win, Pregnancy and Being a Single Mother. I hope that you join me.

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Barbell Shrugged - Building A Badass — Big Brother & A Bigger Lesson — 7

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