Barbell Shrugged - How Strength and Service Heals with FitOps Lead Nutritionist Bobby Somers - Barbell Shrugged #446

Episode Date: March 4, 2020

In today’s episode, Anders, Doug, and Devon Levesque discuss the path of PTSD and overcoming the most extreme hardships through service to others.   Overcoming in home racism Escaping drug cartels at the age of 12 Finding the military and watching friends die in your arms Suicide and finding purpose Finding FitOps and becoming a nutritionist Why the struggle never ends And more…   Anders Varner on Instagram   Doug Larson on Instagram   Bobby Somers on Instagram   TRAINING PROGRAMS   One Ton Challenge   One Ton Strong - 8 Weeks to PR your snatch, clean, jerk, squat, deadlift, and bench press   20 REP BACK SQUAT PROGRAM - Giant Legs and a Barrell Core   8 Week Snatch Cycle - 8 Weeks to PR you Snatch   Aerobic Monster - 12 week conditioning, long metcons, and pacing strategy   Please Support Our Sponsors   “Save $20 on High Quality Sleep Aid at Momentous livemomentous.com/shrugged us code “SHRUGGED20” at checkout.   US Air Force Special Operations - http://airforce.com/specialops   Organifi - Save 20% using code: “Shrugged” at organifi.com/shrugged   PRx Performance - http://prxperformance.com use code “shrugged” to save 5%   http://kenergize.com/shrugged use Shrugged10 to save 10%   Masszymes http://maszymes.com/shrugged use Shrugged to save 20%       ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Show notes at: http://www.shruggedcollective.com/bbs-somers -----------------------------------------------------------------------   ► Subscribe to Barbell Shrugged's Channel Here ► Subscribe to Shrugged Collective's Channel Here http://bit.ly/BarbellShruggedSubscribe 📲 🎧 Listen to the audio version on the Apple Podcast App or Stitcher for Android Here- http://bit.ly/BarbellShruggedApple http://bit.ly/BarbellShruggedStitcher Shrugged Collective is a network of fitness, health and performance shows that help people achieve their physical and mental health goals.  Usually in the gym, but outside as well. In 2012 they posted their first Barbell Shrugged podcast and have been putting out weekly free videos and podcasts ever since. Along the way we've created successful online coaching programs including The Shrugged Strength Challenge, The Muscle Gain Challenge, FLIGHT, Barbell Shredded, and Barbell Bikini. We're also dedicated to helping affiliate gym owners grow their businesses and better serve their members by providing owners tools and resources like the Barbell Business Podcast. Find Shrugged Collective and their flagship show Barbell Shrugged here: SUBSCRIBE ON ITUNES ► http://bit.ly/ShruggedCollectiveiTunes WEBSITE ► https://www.ShruggedCollective.com INSTAGRAM ► https://instagram.com/shruggedcollective FACEBOOK ► https://facebook.com/barbellshruggedpodcast TWITTER ► http://twitter.com/barbellshrugged

Snatch, clean, jerk, squat, deadlift, and bench press. This weekend, CrossFit West Richland smashed the One Ton Challenge over 80 athletes. And I would love to welcome Deep River Fitness to the mix. The brand new One Ton Challenge Shrug Strength Gym. The One Ton Challenge is going to be going off there on May 9th. We're going to be in Memphis, Tennessee making it happen. That's because Doug lives there, so we're making a big trip. So if you're going to be in Memphis, Tennessee making it happen. That's because Doug lives there, so we're making a big trip. So if you're going to be in Memphis,

come and raise with us. Come get strong. For everyone else, if you're a gym owner and you want to host the One Ton Challenge at your gym, you need to send me an email right now at anders at barbellshrug.com or you can go to shrugstrengthgym.com

shrugstrengthgym.com and find out more. We are handling all the marketing materials, all the social media, email marketing, giving you pictures, giving you videos, giving you standard operating procedures

on how to run the events. You can make a little bit of money, run a perfectly smooth, safe and fun event and get more barbells and more people's hands and smiles on their faces. And we're also going to be raising money for military veterans with PTSD through the FitOps Foundation.

So make sure you get over to shrugstrengthgym.com. Today's show is an athlete coach. He's the lead nutritionist at FitOps. And for those of you that have never heard inspiring slash stories of military vets that are just very traumatic to their lives and what PTSD really stands for and why we have so much work to be done in the military communities, today's story is very intense. So as you listen, please be aware that the intensity of the story is very intense. So as you listen, please be aware that the intensity of the story is very real. Bobby Saunders, before we get moving into the show, I want to thank our sponsors over at

Organifi with the green, the red, and the gold drinks. Those keep my nutrition point or on point. I don't eat enough. My wife's actually out of town right now, which means there's even fewer vegetables in my life. That's why the green, the red, and the gold make life so easy. So get over to Organifi.com forward slash shrugged, and you can save 20% on the green, the red, and the gold. And our friends at Bioptimizers, one of my favorite products of all time, mass signs, the digestive enzymes that help you digest the protein, the meat that goes into your body into amino acids that can go into your muscles to make you stronger. People, the amount of protein that you eat matters, but the amount of protein that you digest matters a lot more. And the digestive enzyme that helps you do that is in masszymes.

You need to be digesting as much protein as possible, not just eating the protein, but digesting it. And in order to do that, masszymes is here to help. So get over to mass zymes.com forward slash shrugged this is one of my favorite products of all time m-a-s-s-z-y-m-e-s.com forward slash shrugged m-a-s-s-z-y-m-e-s.com forward slash shrugged and you can try it today, risk-free. They're $3,365 a day, full. Money-back guarantee is the gold standard. I really feel like you need to do this. Get as much protease in your, that's the enzyme that digests the protein into the amino acids,

and we're stoked to have Masszymes back in the game. Save it 20% at Masszymes.com. 4-Side Shrugigns.com this show is intense I cried a lot and it's very very real Bobby Somers, FitOps Foundation you can get over to fitops.org to learn more

or get your gym owner to sign up for the once on challenge because we're raising money and making these people's lives better getting military vets with PTSD, personal training certifications to aid in the transition from their active duty to civilian lives. We will see you after the show. Carbohydrate and vegetables and hands it to me.

I'm like, boom. That's all you need. Boom. Let's do this. That's all you need. It's not like one of these kids that needs the, I need my yogurt, you know, squeezed out of a cashew by a bonobo under a rainbow in Hawaii. He was joking as soon as you guys got back, like being in the airport standing next to you,

and I guess Matt was coming down the elevator. He's like, I look like Arkansas. You look like New York. Yeah. He somehow found both of us. Yeah, somehow. Somehow we're, like, standing next to each other in the middle of Arkansas. That's amazing.

Welcome to Barbell Shrugged. I'm Anders Varner. Doug Larson. Devin Levesque. Is that right? Levesque. Levesque. Even I didn't know that.

You know. There hasn't been one podcast that has gotten it right, but it's good. I'll be the first one tomorrow when we get you on. And then the director of nutrition at FitOps, Bobby Somers. Bobby Somers. Dude. My favorite title is just head chef. That's what I just tell people.

I'm just the head chef. The food guy. The dude keeping us all fed here. We are in, are we actually in Bentonville or is it just northwest Arkansas? That's actually Rogers. Rogers. So we're just a little bit away from Bentonville right into Rogers. Camp War Eagle.

Yep. Beautiful. We're down here for the FitOps Foundation. helping a lot of veterans suffering PTSD get into the training profession. We're kind of here to spread the word, talk about all the good work you're doing. Director of Nutrition, I've been told by at least 10 people that I'm supposed to interview you. You have a story to be told. The story that's kind of like really shapes what this whole experience is like for vets. And just a little bit of your backstory, like when did you deploy, getting out? What was kind of the impetus for

what created the opportunity for you to be a part of this? I would love to say it was just the deployment, man. I deployed in 03-04. So if you remember back in the day, the road to Baghdad on CNN, that was the push that I was in. So we got there right when the shit kicked off. It was like Cowboys and Indians. I was blown up twice while I was there. So, yeah, that initially got me the veteran status

that put me able to be in Fit Ops. But my growing up, man, going through a lot of the therapy and just talking about stuff, and I think that has more of the effect. I think the Army just amplified the shit that was already wrong with me when I was a little boy. So most of the stuff, most of the, like, the, I guess, the trauma started even before the Army. Yeah. This is all childhood stuff? Yeah, I had a lot of trauma.

A lot of trauma happened. I got a lot of abuse. None of it was sexual abuse. I had a lot of physical, mental, emotional abuse. Growing up, my mom cheated on her husband with a Puerto Rican black guy, and I was born into a family of my brothers and sisters your color. So I was literally the black sheep. That's pasty white for those of you listening at home.

More like Devin. More like Devin, you know. And he has really nice eyes. But they hated me when I was a little man. Literally, my grandma would call me a nigger I wasn't allowed to go to the store with her I wasn't allowed to

I got tied to chairs during barbecues just sometimes if they were tired of me they would tie me to a chair they couldn't eat, sweets in the house. I couldn't. I couldn't drink the juice. They would mark it with the marker.

They'd mark the milk with the marker. If that milk or juice was down below that line, it was automatically me. So it got to a point, like, in my life, my sister, if they wanted a piece of chocolate or an ice cream, they would tell me, I'm going to eat an ice cream. They just were warning me because when my mom got home I was gonna get beat and she would she beat me with one hand till I was tired and she switched to the other hand until that one got tired belt buckles didn't matter sometimes I didn't have to go to school because of the the the welts in my legs I just thought everybody went through it man I didn't think I was any

different I didn't think I was any special and I didn't think I was a poor. I just thought everybody went through it, man. I didn't think I was any different. I didn't think I was any special. And I didn't think I was a poor kid. I just thought everybody, that was my color that happened to them. They always told me something was wrong with me because I stunk. I used to understand why my mom, you know, she just treat me like that, it sucked, dude, but I still, I loved the shit out of her, like, I would look at her, and she was, she was my mom, when it was just me and her alone, she was way different, like, she loved the hell out of me, but, um, around her brothers and sisters if they got drunk you would be like hey mc hammer come over here and dance and i would because i thought that they liked me and uh i just you know eventually i found out what nigger meant uh eventually i found out that

they were just joking with me in uh high school man i was good in sports i was fucking great in football i was great in track but then i found out that was the only time people were nice to me. So I fucking hated sports. I started fucking around with gangs and cartels. Young. Really, really young. That's what I wanted to be. I just wanted, my uncle was.

You said cartels. Where were you exactly? I grew up in El Paso, Texas, so I border Juarez. The most dangerous city in the world at one point and the most safest city in the world is where I grew up, right there. I had family in Juarez, and we'd cross the border. I started going to the clubs in Mexico when I was 12 years old. But a lot of the guys knew that I was my uncle's nephew.

They used to call me Ced, it means burnt match. And I remember one time he heard them talking about me and he was like, you know, you could be my nigger. And I just thought, I just want to be somebody's something. You know, I started running backpacks for my uncle at 12 years old into a neighborhood where only black people were allowed. And that's kind of understood what it meant. I never got paid. I would get tennis shoes or a burger or something like that. You're running drugs for your uncle? Is that what you said?

Yeah, I would run backpacks for my uncle. I was at 12, and that's just what I thought was the coolest. His wallet was full of money. He had so many people around him all the time and uh that's what i thought that's just what i thought was cool you know what i mean uh then i my family started wanting to i came out on interviews in the news um i was long jumping 18 feet at 12 years old my longest jump was 25 feet in a long jump and i could jump long jump 25 and a quarter carl lewis jumped 26 in high school and the world record was 29 and i was still a sophomore

and when i uh baylor haunted me i got a letter from ucla my freshman year from bob to lead i'll never forget that one of my good buddies edwinwin Stansbury, made it to the NFL. I wanted to follow him. And I fucking hated everybody who liked me for sports. And I knew the worst thing that I could do, they accepted me to Baylor on an option, like a probation option. I didn't do anything. I played Texas football. I made touchdowns. I didn't go to class. They gave me my grades. So once they found out I was accepted to Baylor, I told them no. And they hated it. And I loved it. I loved it. I finally, my family at this point didn't care. My mom was kind of done with me. I didn't, I never met my dad. I met my dad one one year ago so i met my dad once i moved from el

paso he ended up moving he ended up living 45 minutes away from me but um i told him no for the college thing and uh found out my girlfriend was pregnant and the one thing i wanted to be more than anything was a fucking dad i was like i'm gonna be what these motherfuckers weren't never to me and the fucking best thing that i still am to this day is a father i love being a dad like that's my favorite shit in the world and uh some people i hate when fucking guys are shit dads and they use it on the excuse that they have a shit dad because i don't know how to be a good dad just don't do what that motherfucker did if you do everything that he didn't do you're gonna buck you're gonna be a better dad than he was period fucking hug your kids love your kids sit down and play with your kids you know shit like that don't just be a dad you know what i mean so uh took off to the army i

was like the only way i'm gonna be able to be anything good is get the fuck away from el paso get away from weed get away from drugs and when you were uh when you turned down baylor were you still running backpacks was that still part of it like in the 18 no i stopped running backpacks my uncle ended up going to jail he got in trouble he went to jail um my mother got divorced uh she was getting married and it is she was already cheating on her new husband deal i had already went through all the dudes thing with my mom i just wanted to be alone i had my own apartment i was 17 going on 18 years old i'd already got my own apartment when my son was born he came to my home i didn't have shit in there but that's where he lived he lived what were you doing when you were uh 16 17 for for work yeah to get like your own

apartment um when i got my own apartment at 17, I was leaving 17, I was turning 18. I should have already been 18. I had already signed up to the Army. I just had to wait to take off. Like, I had already dropped out of school. The school helped me drop out. I had one semester left, but I was bad. Yeah.

Like, it was, I cussed out. I was disrespectful to the teachers. You know, I was honest. I'm a fucking football player. But once I said no for college, the school was like, fuck you. I wasn't allowed back into the locker room. I wasn't allowed on the football field. I remember bringing my son in the stroller when he was born,

and they kicked me off of the field. They were just like, get the – they chased. The head coach ran. He was like, get the fuck out of this field right now. And I was just like, oh, shit. They're really done. And that's when I knew I was – I was alone. I was like, the fuck out of this field like right now and i was just like oh shit like they're really done and that's when i knew i was like i was alone i was like i fucking have to do something and um when you were growing up did your did you ever have a relationship with your brothers and sisters that was where you're like hey why were they in the physically abusive

kind of space as well my older brother um they're all we don't have the same dad you know what i mean and my oldest brother uh we nothing we didn't get along he's four years older than me you know what i mean and he used to beat up my sisters sometime and i hated that shit yeah so i used to go take the brunt of it if he was going to do anything to my sisters i don't if i grabbed a two by four something i would try to hit him and take the attention off of them and he would just beat my ass and four year difference you know like six to to ten that's that's an ass whooping bro you know seven to eleven that that's a that's a pounding 15 to 11 is a monster you know and uh shit dude it was just hard a lot of that part that you're asking about i don't know i was on drugs a lot i was the only

thing that i remember i used to drink my ass off so um when i tell you started going to the club at 12 it was a sixth sixth grader i was in middle school in sixth grade i heard I started going to the club at 12, I was a 6th grader. I was in middle school. In 6th grade, I heard the kids going to Juarez. So for $4.75, this is how the night went. To cross into Mexico, you need 50 cents. There it goes. You put 50 cents. So you remember that little tiny fucking pocket? You keep that one quarter in there.

No, I'm sorry. You had the 75 cents in there. It's a quarter to get into Mexico. $4 got you into three clubs all night they gave you a little band it was drink and drown it got you into x overtime and alive one was a hip-hop bar one was a sports bar and one was a like techno so he covered out all the genre you know what i mean so you make up a drink they would give it to you they didn't check IDs. They just wanted $4. I'd give them the $4, and you could drink until they closed the bars at 2, 3 in the morning, and that's what I would do. You'd walk back.

$0.50. You have to throw the $0.50 back and just say American, and they would let you back in. And that's what I would do. So you didn't have to pay for drinks all night? The $4 got you the band. That band got you all you could drink all night long. Not New York City. Where is this again? Why is Mexico?

You do not want to come here. It's not a performance house. It's fucking far from it. There's no sauna. That's just what I was doing um and i thought that life was just cool that's all i knew you know this is at the time when um blood in blood out came out menace to society was brand new at the movies uh american mean was barely out so just the emphasis was just gangsters and snoop dogg's album had just came out. Dr. Dre, all these guys, you know, it was like, what is a blunt?

You know, I know what a joint was, you know. I'm like, what is a blunt? I thought it was some magical thing. I didn't know it was just a fucking cigar full of weed and stuff. You know, I was just, this was the time and this is what I, it was cool. This is what I was seeing. You know, everybody around me was gangsters. My uncle, you know, he was a badass to me and uh i knew if i stayed in el paso i was

not gonna be a good dad i knew if i went to college i was not gonna be a good dad so that's when i just took off to the army how old your daughter now my the one i'm talking about my firstborn he's 20 he's about to be 21 this year he's a soldier nice he's a intelligent soldier in uh in the army and my 18 year old is an intelligent soldier in the army beautiful um when did you go find a recruiter so you're 17 when you joined but what was the kind of the impetus to say like i never told people this whole part of this story. I started fucking around with gangs, obviously. I had a big identity crisis. So at the times that I'm telling you guys, if you're old as me, remember,

it was black and brown wars. Mexicans and blacks did not get along, let alone in El Paso. We hated each other. I'm kind of both. So it was just like I'm too black for the Mexicans. I'm too Mexican for the blacks. I didn't fit at all. I kind of had to try to find I never identified as a black guy there's a lot of I guess little mixed kids growing up in the ghettos of El Paso there's a lot of Mexican

girls that like the black dudes we ended up making a bunch of little us's so we had kind of like our own little you know we weren't essays you know so we're we were us's i guess you know just a little different and um yeah dude it was just super hard at this time you either had to go one side you had to go the other side and it was kind of like i didn't know what to pick i they had to teach me english so i had a sick accent like hey sir can i get the chair and that's how i talked at first it then sometimes it'll come i'll say some words and my wife will look at me and be like oh shit i went straight bean on that one you know like holy shit bro but um it was just hard dude it was hard i didn't fucking know what i was gonna do and uh my buddies rob a house they take 13 rifles out of that house they had a some stereo system uh nintendo 64 is new at that time and uh my buddies

in our gang were like hey there's these dudes that robbed a house they got guns and they've got game systems and they had bought a pound of weed and they were selling it these were football players so of course the dudes are like someone's cutting into our money and i'm sitting here like well who is it we're gonna go over here and fuck these dudes up get the address i'm like shit that's my buddy's house those are the football players i played with so i go there and i'm like hey man this shit's about to hit the fan here. So these dudes start getting rid of everything. I take the rifles. I had 81 Eldorado Bayerits.

Stainless steel top. Fucking Cadillac was my first car. American Racing Rams, like a 6.4 V8. That shit wasn't a lowrider. This motherfucker could beat rice burners off the fucking line, bro. This thing was a beast. Fucking beast and shit, you know? So I put these things in my trunk.

They know what's going on and everything, and then I take it home. A little bit later, that's when I find out my girlfriend's pregnant. I'm like, fuck, dude, I got to do something. I start working. I stop doing everything bad. At this time, my buddy got busted by the FBI. So one of my best friend's mom was running drugs through a van from El Paso out, I think up here in Arkansas. And she gets busted. So they do a full FBI raid on the house. So she gets extradited. My buddy has not seen his mom since that day that I'm talking about. To this

day, she has not been allowed back into the United States. Once I sent her out to Germany, I think Germany does an extradite. So once she took off over there, she's good to go. She's not going to come back. I knew the shit was hitting the fan. Some of the places we were driving, you could see agents sitting in cars. And all I did was hang out with these dudes, you know, Smokeweed, always in Mexico, my uncle. You know, you can start making ties and shit.

So I just knew this was time to leave. I started working with my stepdad, fencing. Fuck, that shit sucked. He had a Bobcat that could drill the holes. I was like, man, I'm going to learn how to drive that. She gave me a post hole digger and fucking a digging pole to this day i can throw a digging pole into the same hole from having to dig so many holes that are three feet deep and so many feet wide but he kind of instilled some kind of discipline uh the paychecks it felt good to

make money and something that you worked for not looking for cops not none of that kind of shit you know something good yeah and uh my son was of that kind of shit. It was something good. Yeah. And my son was born. That's how I was able to get the house. Well, I had joined the army. I was getting ready to do the paperwork and everything. The cops fucking called me the day my son is born.

So my son was born on Fort Bliss on base. Civilian cops aren't allowed on base. They had an APB out for my arrest. The dudes of the house it was, they got busted. One of the shotguns, it was 13 weapons I told you, remember? I only took 12. I didn't know where the fucking 13th one was. It was a breakdown shotgun that he put up on the air conditioner of his house.

So if someone came, he could fucking Tony Montana, I guess, or whatever. Well, the owner of the house went to fucking fix the air conditioner because it went out one day. He found the shotgun. He didn't say anything. He took the shotgun and just took it to the cops around the serial number.

It's one of 13. They took his ass. These motherfuckers thought they were gangsters. They showed me all their sworn statements on me. All of them snitched on me. Every single fucking one of them. One of them was my cousin. No.

Fucking wrote down. The gang task force knew who I was. So the fucking officer, I think his name was Officer Lopez. He's like, we need those guns. And I was like, what guns? He's like, Robert, look. He puts all three fucking papers in front of me he snitched he snitched he snitched i would love to say their fucking names on this thing right now because i don't like them at all that's some bitch shit you know but it is what it was you

know and he was just like and i told him i'm joining the army that was the first thing that came out of my mouth i I'm joining the Army. He was like, you're going to join the Army. I was like, I will fucking join the Army right now. I'm joining the Army. It was kind of a go to jail or go to the Army option for me at that point. So your son was born on base. Yeah, he was born on base. So when they called me, this had already happened when he was born.

He was like, they called me on my phone. They called up. There wasn't even cell phones. They fucking called to the hospital bed that I'm in. I'm like, how the fuck do they know where I was at? So I'm on the phone. This is Officer So-and-so. We have an APB.

I was like, you can't come and get me on here. They're like, don't make this stupid. I was like, okay, look, come to my house in the morning. My son's being born. And then we'll go do whatever we need to do. And that's when they show me all of this stuff. The look come to my house in the morning my son's being born and then i'll go we'll go do whatever we need to do and that's when they show me all of this stuff the officer comes to my door he knocks on the door my older brother the one that used to beat the shit out of me is on leave he already joined the army so he's on leave for some dumb shit that he did he was like just

i don't want to slander anybody you know just he was on leave and uh he opens the door the cops are there he was like he sees he knows he wasn't me so he sees me and i was like i'm ready so he walked out he was like come on man like trying to be buddy with me i was like you need to fucking put handcuffs on me and sit me in the back of the car like i'm not sitting in the fucking front seat of your car i lived in these little projects you're not doing that shit to me like right here so adam hunk helped me he sat me in the back of the car. That's when they took me in and they showed me all of that stuff. When I went to go in front of the judge, I remember the recruiter that was in there.

Cool, let's do it. I'm going to go. Let's get out of here. I had to give the rifles back, man. Is that like a standard thing where there's a recruiter looking for 18-year-olds that are in trouble? Maybe before it could have been, but now I was a recruiter in the Army after I got wounded, after I got hurt. Hell no.

That's the ones you don't want to try to get. We can make waivers for some knuckleheads and shit, but for the most part, nah. Rifle charges and shit like that, that would have been a huge no-go. And I already had some drug charges too. So you were in the right place at the right time, and just it kind of happened that you were able to go. Yeah.

It was, like, to me it was magical, man. And at the time I hated it. You know, I used to make fun of my brother. Every time I'd say, like, you're through, you're through, you're through. Like, you're stupid. You tell that to all kinds of people. Yeah. Well, a couple months later, you're through, you're through.

That was me. That was me, dude, just getting, doing push-ups, dude, just getting called a bitch. Shut off, you pussy. Yes, Joe Sargent. Whatever you say, motherfucker, was way bigger than me. Yeah. You know, we were out on the streets in El Paso. I was scared.

I didn't have no buddies. I weighed 115 pounds when I graduated. 115 pounds. Yeah. One-five. I thought, yeah. I thought I was tough shit, man. I look at my pictures now.

I would have kicked my fucking ass walking around the streets looking cool. But yeah, man, I had to get the guns back to these guys. I gave them to my brother-in-law. So I came up with a plan so I don't tell nobody. Just put them in an alley and we'll go get them. If it wasn't for my brother-in-law going to jail for me, I would never be here. I would have went to jail.

The part of the deal was that they had to get those rifles. I didn't know he turned himself in with the rifles until I was already after gone. Yeah, man, if it wasn't for him, he has his full name, but he went by Smirk. He helped raise me along. I love him a lot.

I owe him a lot. I owe him a whole lot. But shit, dude, after all of that shit happened, I went to the fucking army. I drank the fucking Kool-Aid, bro. I was a soldier. When you go to the Army, where's your headspace?

Are you just trying to get the fuck out as quick as possible? You know that it's as dead end of a road as possible? Are there ties to where you're at and that's your comfort zone and you're still trying to kind of... I knew I needed to get the fuck out of El Paso. That was one thing for sure.

I didn't even know El Paso was that scary. I was like, I needed to get to El Paso. El Paso's not scary to me either, but I guess to other people, you're fucking scared. I mean, it's just like the first time I went out to New York. Hey, be careful with this. I was up in Spanish Harlem. People are like, you went where?

Matt found out I was in Spanish Harlem when my dad grew up in Spanish Harlem. Don't you listen to rap music? That's what they sing about. Don't fucking go. I guess I like West Coast. None of those songs said Snoop. I said Dr. Dre.

Never did I say Biggie or fucking Big Pun or none of those dudes. When you drive up the 5 to L.A., each exit, there's a rap song about you. Like, nope, nope, nope, nope. And my wife's out from that area. I didn't pick up Rivera, so I went in those areas too, I guess. But to me, I guess it wasn't scary. You grew up like up like that you see all of that you know what to walk away from yeah you know i mean you can see some dudes like yeah i'm not gonna miss him you know what i mean that it's kind of like if you're walking next to a dude a cauliflower ear you're gonna push him

nope i don't care i don't care but like i'm i'm bigger than than devin but if devin had a cauliflower ear and i was walking straight and i want to just, I'm going to punk him, I'm going to punk the next guy. I'm going to wait for the other guy. I don't know what he did to his ear, but I don't want him to do it to my face. And if you're not smart enough to see shit like that, then you're just fucking stupid. Surprised that you're that long, that old anyways. The ears of that giveaway. I only make that mistake once. It's like, well, that old anyways. The ears of that giveaway. You only make that mistake once.

It's like, well, I think I... What happened when you showed up to boot camp? Did you think you were a badass because you were coming from this rough background? I've never been. Even now, I don't try to be like, well, you know, I always thought I was a normal dude. I guess growing up, I have problems with confidence. I have sick problems with confidence. Even, shit, I came out of Men's Health Magazine with confidence. I have sick problems with confidence. Even, shit, I came out of Men's Health Magazine, bro.

I was sitting there like, oh, my God. Like, to me, instead of being happy, I was like, oh, shit. Like, I'm looking to see if you can see my belly. I'm always making jokes. I'm always just be like, I'm probably the fattest dude to ever come out of this fucking magazine and shit. But it's like something in my head. Even when I was just in shape and big, like, Devin's like, dude, you're looking jacked. You look good. I'm just like, oh, I think I'm wilting away.

It feels like I'm getting skinny and little. I guess it's that muscle dysmorphia shit. I think his body is amazing as hell, but he's obviously still pushing me on something different. If I look like Devin, I'd fucking stop. He's still like, I'm still trying to go. You know, this and that and that and that. But it's just like, holy shit.

You made it. Stop. I'm telling you, bro, you did it. You are there. But, nah, dude, when I got there, I could tell these dudes did not fucking play. You know, they were just big fucking drill sergeants. And I was scared, but I knew I needed some kind of difference. So growing up, I never had the dad thing. So I always tried to attach myself to my football coach, to the running back coach, you know, my track coach, you know, all of my buddies

were older. They were at least four years older than me. My uncle, you know, all these crazy guys, but they always kind of took care of me. They're always like, dude, you run, you need to run. Don't hang around with us. A lot of the gangs, the dudes I used to hang out with would come to the football games. It kind of had like a little cheering section. It was really cool. But I just wanted to be like them. I didn't take none of their warnings. So when I got to basic, I was a little scared. But to me, it was just football practice all day long for nine weeks,

11 weeks, however long it was. And I was good at it. I wasn't getting beat. I wasn't getting called the N-word. They fed you breakfast lunch and dinner i joined the army at 135 pounds and i left basic training at 165 pounds damn you're ready to grow dude and i and i was just doing push-ups i just i'm at sick v like i i just look good and once i seen what i was doing with that i got promoted in basic training i got um

went up for soldier of the cycle. I was a squad leader in there. Like, I was like, this is what I'm supposed to fucking do. Like, I could take orders. I could,

you go do this. You know, don't go tell him he's fired. Fuck yeah, you're fucking fired, bro. Shit, you suck,

motherfucker. And I was just like, all right, like, hell yeah, I'll do it. You're good. And I would always click up with the drill sergeant.

I would always ask, let me learn. I went up for Soldier of the Cycle. You found your purpose. Yeah. Like, to me, I found something I was really great at. And it wasn't because I was a fast gangbanger. It wasn't none of that shit. It wasn't because I can go into a neighborhood.

We all looked the same. They all treated us and cussed at us the same. And they said, you're good because you're just good. I didn't have to prove it. It wasn't, oh, you're good, but fuck, dude, you're brown. You know, I was just going to pick him. Oh, you're good, but you suck. You know, they don't like you.

They just went off of your, you can do what we asked you to do. You're fucking good. No, I loved it. I loved it. What turned from a two years, I was only supposed to be in there for two years, two to four years, turned into 13. And it was only 13 because they said if you let us cut off your leg, you can finish out your enlistment or you can finish out your retirement. I was like, do you know how long it took to make calves like this?

Have you seen most black guys' calves? Black guys do not have big calves, bro. So my calves are Mexican. They're good size. Where did the cut off the legs comment come from? When I got blown up in Iraq, I still have two ounces of shrapnel behind my knee. I have a piece in my calf. It fused to the perennial nerve.

Did I say that part right? Perennial nerve. So in this leg, I have no feeling from the knee to the top of my foot. Remember the old science fairs you'd go to, the big glass ball and the yellow electricity? If you touch my leg, it feels like a shock. I don't feel touch. I feel electricity.

If you rub down my leg, it just shocks my leg all the way down. So I had to learn how to have a sock on there again. I had to learn in Iraq. I didn't go home. I was on crutches in Iraq. And then a Sergeant Major or someone saw me and was like, is that motherfucker on crutches? They were like, yeah.

If I see him on crutches again, he's fucking going home. I didn't want to go home. I had the opportunity to go home. I didn't want to go home. What happens on deployment when you're kind of in your mental space? Is that a place that you're happy to be? Like you're kind of leading the – I think you're either happy as fuck to be there or you're kind of in your mental space? Is that a place that you're happy to be? Like you're kind of leading the – I think you're either happy as fuck to be there or you're scared as fucking shit, bro.

Yeah. And the ones that are scared to me are the ones that die. Because you think about it, if two dudes can have the same wound, but if your heart's pumping like a motherfucker because you're scared, you're going to bleed out way faster than like oh shit this motherfucker shot me you do you know what i mean oh my god you can literally give yourself a panic attack you can literally give yourself i don't know whatever i i just know once i got hit i wasn't scared like that i was holding my buddy in my arms with my fingers in as many holes as I could put to stop the blood, I couldn't save my buddy,

so I went from being scared to being pissed, I fucking hated Iraqis, for a long time I fucking hated Iraqis, I hated anybody that looked, sounded, or that music, I just fucking hated them, you know, and that was, that was something I had to work with, man, just period, you know and that was that was something i had to work with man just period you know just i just hate that not the oh you guys are the one who ran into the buildings i didn't give a shit about that i just know you're the motherfuckers who killed my buddy you know you're the one who blew me up you know like you keep trying to take me away from my fucking kids and uh when you're over there you don't have a choice anymore bro what are What, are you going to run home? On the airplane, I looked out.

I went to sleep. There was water. I woke up, still fucking water. Like, I'm not swimming that shit. That's not the real grand, man. That's for motherfucking sure. You're not hopping that border, bro. It's just not happening that way, DJ.

You're stuck. You're fucking stuck, dude. That's a lot of water. You said you got blown up twice earlier? They threw a grenade on the hood of my Humvee the one time, and then they got me with a fucking howitzer round. We put Saddam in power, so we gave him an arsenal. Those motherfuckers used it on us.

I have two ounces of American metal stuck in my fucking leg, bro. At least it's from Pittsburgh, I guess. And I hate the Steelers, too. How long were you over there? 16 months. Wow, that's a big 16 months. You were the very first charge coming in after 9-11. No, not right after. I know there were some.

The badasses go in right after and shit. The retards go right after them. That was us. But the super badasses, you know, they were in there probably 02, stuff like that. They were in there doing stuff already. Probably Delta guys in Marine uniforms doing shit. We had Rangers or stuff, SF guys out there, buds,

SEALs doing shit like that. We just went regular unit. So it was still at the beginning of it. It wasn't like no big rules of engagement. We didn't really have routes where we were going. I remember one convoy, they were just like, if it looks like they want to kill you, just turn around and don't go that way no more. Like, are you fucking serious?

Yeah, it was fucking nuts, man. Iraq was something else. I remember they told us we were supposed to be there for six months. At six months, they told us 12. At 12 months, they told us we're indefinite until they don't need us anymore. Had a lot of divorced guys come back home, man. On my mid-tour leave, I caught my wife with her boyfriend in bed. Just sleeping nice and comfortable.

That motherfucker was just sitting on my side of the bed i think my flip-flops are still you walked in on that yeah i kind of knew no that you were coming home um i put myself to come home on leave one of my buddies from the unit he had got in trouble see who was already back uh he was leaving something i think he had got his haircut and he saw my vehicle at a flower shop he was like oh shit no bobby's back home and then he saw me or he saw the my ex-wife go to the vehicle with a bunch of flowers so he was like shit i just let me follow to see where he's at and i'll just give him a call or some shit. He ended up following her to her boyfriend's trailer.

Motherfucker lived in a trailer house on post and fucking lost to a trailer park, man. What the fuck? That's crazy. That sucks balls, doesn't it? 16 months is gnarly. You weren't the same person when you came back, though. This was at my six months.

No, coming back, I was totally. Even at six months, I wasn't the same. when you came back, though. This was at my six months. No, coming back, I was totally – even at six months, I wasn't the same. July is when I got blown up. So where did you do basic at? Fort Benning, Georgia. And you still lived in El Paso. That's where your wife was. No, no, no.

She had left, came with. So once you go to basic training and you go to, like, your college, which is AIT, then I got stationed in Fort Bragg. So I went Georgia, Georgia, Bragg. Gotcha. And she was at Bragg. She followedIT. Then I got stationed in Fort Bragg. So I went Georgia, Georgia, Bragg. Gotcha. And she was at Bragg. And then she followed along. Cool.

She got tired of being around. She joined the Army herself. Now, for you to join the Army and you have kids and you're already married to a soldier, she had to give up parenting and custody rights. So she had to go to the court, legally give up parenting and custody rights, and couldn't get them back until after her deployment because she signed up as a single soldier with no kids. Back up. The wife or...

My ex-wife had to give up parenting and custody rights. To you. She gave them up to my brother's wife. I'm the dad. You can't give shit to that dad. In case she has to go to war and doesn't come back. She just couldn't join the army as a fucking... As a mother.

Is that still the rule? I don't believe so. She just couldn't join the army as a fucking mother. Is that still the rule? I don't believe so. I think they might have. Even when I was a recruiter I didn't deal with that shit when I was a recruiter. Like I didn't. That's wild. Yeah, that's crazy. The crazier part is she fucking went for a divorce. Now with no parenting

and custody rights, that means you just get divorced from this dude and you're fucking... But you come back and you still have custody rights. She took my kids. She went to a different county. So the county where she did it, they knew she didn't have kids. She couldn't. She went to the neighboring county and just got awarded everything.

So by this time, I was done with Iraq. I'm dealing with the brain injuries and amputation. They were going to cut my leg off. I went to pre-op. They showed me the leg they were going to put on me and everything. They said I was never going to walk right. They said it wasn't going to get any better and just cut it off. It was like, man, we have good legs.

They started seeing the tattoos that I had. So they gave me a Spider-Man leg. And I remember when he touched me, like, he was like, right here is where we're going to go. Man, it felt like he had a fucking knife for his hand. Because I was like, oh, shit. Then I was like, dude, can I go to the bathroom? He was like, take all the time you need. The motherfucker is still waiting for me.

I just went back to work. I just went right back to work. I would have done the same thing. I know. Yeah, right. I cut my leg off. I'll figure this thing out. It's still like that, you said, right?

What? It's still like electricity when you touch it. How does that work? Like, what do you do? Can you put a sock on? I can put all of the stuff on now, normal. I could put my – I was allowed to not have my boot blouse. You know how in the Army they tie their boots up, they bow their boots.

I didn't have to do that. I had a profile that excluded me from doing that. That shit hurt my fucking feet really bad. Yeah. Like, it hurt. Because it was the top of your foot, too. Yeah, I couldn't feel when I was rolling my ankle. There were some days when my ankle would just be fat and swollen,

and I was just like, fuck, dude. Like, I had to learn how to walk right on it. I couldn't. I didn't have power, like, that way on my leg. I just had no power on it. So you just kind of had, like, drop foot. Foot drop. Yeah.

So, dude, it sucked. It sucked. kind of had like drop foot, foot drop. Yeah. So dude, it sucked. It sucked. Can you like flex your foot now? Yeah, now I can. I built my way all the way back to it. Yeah, so what was that process? I just honestly believed that they were fucking stupid. I didn't believe I had any brain injuries.

I didn't believe I had anything wrong with me. I refused to believe any of that shit. That's a pretty good way to do it, actually. Like I just really believed that, literally up until like this last year, after the last suicidal shit that I went through, every time I go to the VA, I tell them, hey, you guys ready to take your 100% back?

My brain's fixed. They would just laugh at me. They'll just be like, my brain is good. Well, yeah, when did the brain injury happen? Is that just from things exploding? It was the bombs. Now, in football, I had gotten concussions. One time when I was little, my brother picked me up and literally dropped me on my head.

He just flipped me over and dropped me on my head. I remember I knocked. That was the first concussion I remember getting. I remember one time he tricked me on this one tree when he pushed me out kind of, and the branch just smacked me in the fucking face that was like he like pulled the branch down and it fucking just hit me right in the fucking my shit was swole it was super swollen then i fell on the back of my head after that one too so i was some of the some some of the beatings got me when i was little too so that's why this just amplified the shit you know what i mean and uh? Football when you're a young kid is a really interesting one.

Like your brain is very vulnerable. I mean, it's vulnerable at all times, but I would imagine specifically when you're a kid and just banging into each other. And it was that old school Texas football, you know. You didn't tell coach, are you hurt? You're injured. Are you hurt?

You're injured. Oh, I'm hurt, coach. I'm just hurt after halftime. It's the fucking fourth quarter, bro. What are you talking about? I'm like, we already had halftime? I didn't remember that shit, man. I was like, what did I do?

Did I drink Gatorade? Because I want some fucking Gatorade, man. Dude, when I think about the shit I did in high school sometimes, and I think about the shit we did in Iraq sometimes, I'm like, what the fuck am I here? Yeah. You know, the shit in Mexico. The shit is just like.

What was your specific job in Iraq? I was communications. So I was a 25 series. I was supposed to do, just supposed to be like a telephone operator. I just didn't. The opportunity came up to convoy drive. I fucking logged like 60,000 miles in Iraq. Whoa.

All right. So you were out every night. Yeah, we drove a shit ton. We drove a shit ton. Knocking on doors. We were just... What is the scene when you're driving around at night? Like, is at any point, like,

somebody going to throw a grenade right onto the hood of your car like that? When we were there, night missions were not allowed. Night missions were really, really not allowed because the shit was just getting... The closest movie that I've seen that was close to when we were there night missions were not allowed night missions were really really not allowed because the shit was just getting the closest movie that i've seen that was close to him we were there it's fucking green zone with matt damon i've seen it that one's a really good one that's when he finds out like there's bullshit going on he was like this is just fucking bullshit like he was looking for the wmds there wasn't any like all of the all of the fucking um intel he was

getting was like bullshit. So that's the most realistic movie. That's the most realistic because we were over there in fucking green Humvees. Like we're getting blown up. 52 vehicles are getting blown up a day. I'm driving every fucking day. You're just waiting for your turn. It got to the point I had an Xbox there.

You start accumulating shit. You know what I mean? It got to the point where you just be like, okay, if I die when I leave, you get the Xbox. You can have my sodas no way yeah she's just like talking about your it would kind of turn into a little fight if you're one of your buddies was dead and you'd be like well i lent him that movie they're gonna be like well it's in his property we got to ship this to his house but that's my movie you know it'll be kind of like oh shit you know you didn't really know what was gonna to happen. Or there'd be some dude, I don't know, maybe they really just wanted to steal their buddy's shit.

He's fucking dead. What's he going to do with the next box? What the fuck is this kid going to do with the next box full of Iraqi dust? Yeah. Shit, shit. Everything, that dust is like baby powder, bro. That shit went right into your everything. Electronics went to shit back then. Yeah.

So, yeah, that was kind of the point where you'd just be like, what? You chose to be a convoy driver. Yeah. Could you un-choose to be a driver? Yeah, definitely. But you liked it? I loved it. The first sergeant that I was with fucking raised me from private to fucking sergeant.

Everything he did, I wanted to fucking do. He fucking was strong as shit i started going to the gym i was benching 315 in iraq i like a 32 inch waist i could squat 300 and something pounds i look like a fucking beast in iraq and i felt great this motherfucker never let me get 100 pounds with him though he's he could squat 100 pounds over me and he could bench 100 pounds over me always i remember when i 100 pounds over me. Always. I remember when I hit 320. He fucking went and pushed 421. I was like, you fucking dickface.

How do you put one little pound on there in the fucking middle, you fucking fucker? I love that, man. I love that dude. Do you still keep in touch with him? Yeah, I still have his number on my phone right now. Nice. How did you get out? Was it a medical discharge?

I got medically retired. I didn't tell nobody about the brain injury stuff. My first sergeant, the dude I was telling you, he had to go get a nerve job. When did you start to notice the brain? What did that look like or feel like or where? Almost as soon as, like, I knew something was wrong with me in Iraq. I couldn't get rid of, like, anger. I found black ball hash with me in Iraq. I couldn't get rid of, like, anger. I found black ball hash from Afghanistan in Iraq. I started smoking that.

What is that? Black ball hash. It's like heroin. No, it's just hash. Just hashish. Oh, gotcha. That's opium. Afghanistan.

Gotcha. But you could get the hashish from, maybe, from the Ukrainians. They'd get the hashish from maybe from the ukrainians they'd get the hashies from my um afghanistan had a lot of drugs i think like you said they're they're most into the poppy fields yeah the poppy fields but somehow they had fucking bud you know so let's go i was just like fuck yeah and it wasn't like i'd find i'd fucking go sneak away and you know i'd smoke and that would calm me down and that would let me sleep you know i it sucks sleeping now dude but at that point i would close my eyes all i could see was the blood all i could see was just ricky taking his last breaths or the smell dude i can just thinking about it i could smell the gunpowder i could smell the dirt like

fucking hate fireworks i don't hate the pop't hate the pop. I hate the smell. I hate the smell of when you're finished shooting the guns. I don't like that smell. We have weapons to protect our house, but I'm not one of those fucking dudes that, oh, here goes a picture of my new scope or here goes a picture of that. Just don't be on the other end of this motherfucker trying to break into my house. I don't take pictures or post anything or any shit like that, but closing my eyes sucks, man, even sometimes now, I hate closing my eyes, like, sometimes, you know, those old school reels that, when the thing's done, it just, it just, that's how my brain goes sometimes, it just, it don't stop man i look at that fucking picture of that lincoln park guy still

that the wife posted of him the day before he fucking shot himself he was playing with his fucking daughter he was laughing and until this last until january man i told my i have daughter i have all this shit the voice to kill myself was just stronger and it made more sense like I get tired of hurting dude like I'm a proud man you know but I'm a private chef I'm retired my wife goes to work every morning I make my kids breakfast, then I see them all off, that messes with your shit as a man, you know, once, dude, once they go to school, and once my wife goes to work, I'm just sitting in four walls, and I don't mind, you know, it's an idle mind, it got to the point where even if I would try to use weed just to calm me down,

nothing was working, dude. Nothing worked. And these motherfuckers right here, dude, Harrison drove from here to my house just to be with me for that weekend. When did you find these guys? Fuck, dude. I was ready to kill myself. Like, literally.

And that's the story that everybody sees at the Performing House one. The day that I met John when Matt brought John Cena on board. And that was that one story when I just didn't see my daughter that morning. I had my wife's judge in my mouth. We had a shotgun shell. It was the shotgun shell or hollow point. So I knew it was going to be a closed casket, and I didn judge in my mouth. We had a shotgun shell. It was the shotgun shell or hollow point. So I knew it was going to be a closed casket, and I didn't see my daughter. I have four boys and a little girl.

My little girl is the second to the last. So she's nine. But I don't know if you guys have a daughter. A fucking little girl will change your fucking life. I could talk to you a lot about that. It will change your life. Dude, I know what every fairy does in Disney. I know about Pixie Hollow.

I have my favorite one. Vidya is my favorite. She's a fucking air fairy. She's an asshole. She's the meanest bitch ever. I love her. She's my favorite. You've only thought about the world through a male's eye your whole life.

And now you only see it through a female's. The way I see other girls females the way i see other girls the way i see women a little like a younger girl that's acting like you know you're not supposed to be acting like that like cover yourself up just shit i would never thought of before i just don't even eat into hooters only because that's someone's fucking daughter is still fucking young and i do not want to just be staring at her boobs i'm not one of those like oh look your tits are nice but I just if I'm in hooters I literally will just not look at them in their fucking face and at the same time I don't want to give that impression like hey you know how are you doing I try to be like a so different example for my daughter I honestly if

it wasn't for my daughter and it doesn't want to take away from any of my sons. And I definitely don't want to take away from my wife. But my daughter changed my life, man. She changed my fucking life. When I retired from the Army, I was facing a 5 to 99 charge. They were going to get me for manufacturing, distributing, positioning, and intent to distribute. Shit. From before you were in? This is the day I retired, man.

I was supposed to pin my wife's sergeant on her chest. And this one story I haven't told hardly fucking anybody. When they put me out of the army or when I retired from the army, I was fully, that was about 2,000 milligrams of Zoloft. And I was taking other pills they stopped giving them to me because i wasn't in the army no more they said when the va picked me up that they were gonna give me my meds i went from fully medicated and functioning to nothing and weed wasn't working so i was trying to find out what's in zoloft and what's in this shit man I went and bought a bunch of coke spice and weed this car cut me off I just went to go get a sack of weed I already had the other stuff but it

wasn't working nothing was working I was felt like I was going crazy and I'm supposed to show up to my wife's unit and pin sergeant on her chest the only thing I could think of to do is just smoke some weed calm down go over there do what you need to do and just keep make it one more day I was just making it at this time I was just taking it a second at a time this fucking car cuts me off and puts me over the fucking edge I tried to fuck this dude up undercover fucking sheriff I went and rushed him in his fucking car and he put his gun and put it right to my chest and I dropped and I was like my bad my bad my bad he was like look how fucking big you are that was the first thing that came out of his mouth he's like i could have just shot you so he just puts me on the floor he's stepping on my chest he goes to the car you can smell the weed not a little stash compartment in my avalanche

they found all the coke they found all the spice they everything. They fucking put my ass in jail. I bailed out overnight. I just bailed out overnight, so I didn't spend no stint. I didn't do anything crazy. My daughter used to sing that Black Eyed Peas song, and it goes on and on and on and on, but she didn't sing it right. She would go, oh, we, oh, we, oh, we, oh. That fucking song came out while I was sitting in the holding cell. And I lost my shit. Because by this time she told me you have to tuck me in every night.

And unless you're doing something like with the army or work, then you have to be here. And I was not there. And that fucking song came on. I'm sitting in a fucking holding cell that's full of dudes. And I have to pull my shirt over my fucking eyes and just cry I just cried I was just thinking what is she thinking right now I couldn't call my wife and be like hey babe I'm in fucking jail all I know is I didn't show up to her fucking sergeant ceremony either dude I was like what the fuck am I doing with my life now I gotta face this fucking charge they don't give you a fucking break in El Paso, dude, so for the longest time, I was in welding

school at this time, I graduate welding school with honors, I go directly into fucking culinary school, because in welding school, I had some purpose, I had focus, I was like, don't get in fucking trouble, I'll go to culinary school, I get in front of the judge she sees my shit She says I wasn't a piece of shit She gives me deferred probation She gives me a break I followed everything she fucking said To do

And by this time I graduate Fidops finds me I found I started Just I didn't have shit to do, man. But I'm getting 100% my disability check. You know, I'm able to pay my bills, but I'm not being a dad. I'm not being a husband. I'm just there.

Like fucking click. You remember that movie with Adam Sandler and he just keeps fast forwarding a little bit before he figures it out? Like what the fuck happened? It feels like I was just in a fucking cloud man so i was like i fucking kill myself because they'll get money like everything will be better it's at this point it's like i'm a burden to my daughter my wife is not looking at me the fucking same you know she's just looking at me like if i'm shit like just a gang banger she grew up around that too she doesn't think the cholos and all that's fucking cool.

It's like a lifestyle. I don't even think that shit's fucking cool. I don't tell my kids shit about nothing when I was little. They only know I was a fucking soldier. They know nothing about my upbringing at all. I just don't tell them. There's no need. I don't glorify none of that shit.

So I had the plan. Duct tape the bathroom with plastic so there's no, they could just roll my body up and it's clean. My wife doesn't have to clean it. The cops won't be there long trying to do everything. My daughter's not going to be there for the coroner. It will be quick. But I didn't see her that day. I just didn't see her.

So I was like, I'm going to wait. And then fucking Sidney Herminghouse from Fit Ops. She used to work with Jen. She calls me and like, hey, man, you're going to get accepted to Fit Ops. Let me backtrack a little bit. I'm doing the selling the food thing. This one reserve soldier, she starts buying meals from me. And she's like, hey, you're all in shape and shit. Go fucking look at these Fit Ops.

They're giving free training certificate, physical training certifications. I'm like, shut the fuck up. I'm still kind of hot old dude. You know, I was like 30. I'm like mid-30s at this time and shit. And I apply. I fucking fully apply. I was like, I'm not going to get in, dude.

I fucking was supposed to go to jail. I was on drugs. I'm a fucking little piece of shit. I didn't know that was the criteria to fucking fit in this motherfucker. You have to be messed up, kind of. They want to help you, bro. You know, they're trying to help the hurting guys. So when I interview, I tell them the truth, and I fucking lose my shit.

And I was like, when I get there, man, I smoke and eat all the time, you know, I'm doing this, you know, I'm doing that, and come on, man, we want to help you, and we want to help you, and I have that hope, you know, there goes that feeling again, and then I look down, like, I'm gonna go to this physical change, and my fucking belly's, like, out here, and I was like, fuck, dude, you don't even look like a good soldier, and that was the best thing I ever was, fuck, dude. You don't even look like a good soldier. And that was the best thing I ever was, bro. And I fucking look good in uniform. I look good in uniform, especially with my top off and just the brown shirt.

I was like, man, I look fucking good. And it just gave me this, like, so I started jogging again. I started trying to get ready to get there. I was still a fucking little chub tard when I got there, but I wasn't as fat as I was before. You know what I mean? And then they get there, but I wasn't as fat as I was before. You know what I mean? And then, um, they get there and I fucking see Randy. Fucking just

a little fucking gorilla guy. He tells a story and he starts crying. I was like, these fucking lying motherfuckers. It was a fucking feelings camp and I don't even have none of those. So I tell him, you fucking sending me home, fucking liar. I was pissed.

Fucking pissed. Randy was like, can't even send you home tonight. Just give me one night. I start withdrawing the next day. I'm fucking hurting. I need some kind of jug in my body, bro. And I can't get it there. I don't have nothing.

And plus, you seen how far it was to get here? We were looking for a protein bar, not even drugs. It was like a 45 minute drive. They make this shit so remote. Trying to find weed around here would be impossible. You gotta go to fucking Texas. We're hoping you run into a fucking little farm here.

Please go. Do you have anything? Dude, there was nothing around. Driving in here, you're like, these are fucking dark people dying movies and shit. I've seen this one, you know? It's scary as shit, right? So I have to give them next day. I'm withdrawing.

Randy was like, let's go work out. Fucking makes me do a leg workout where I throw the fuck up. My legs hurt so bad for the next week, I forgot I fucking needed drugs. Period. So I withdraw at Fit Ops and he's a pro bodybuilder yeah yeah i withdraw at fit ops i i guess recover a little at fit ops and then i cried at fit ops i told my story i never told a lot of this stuff before um i cried so loud And that shit felt so good To just finally say this shit bro

And for dudes to just be like I had 60 motherfuckers hug me And that was the day I fucking met Matt Hesse And they was like You gotta interview with this dude And I look at this fucker up on On the internet and shit

Besides his headshot I don't know he's the prettiest motherfucker I've ever seen and shit Until I meet De internet and shit. Besides his headshot, I don't know if he's the prettiest motherfucker I've ever seen and shit. Until I meet Devin and shit. And I'm like, I got to fucking talk to this guy. So I go run up. Randy's the director of this camp.

So I'm like, hey, you guys fucked up. And he's like, what's up? I was like, I'm supposed to talk to the man? I'm like, yeah, man.

I'm like, what the fuck am i so she she knows that i'm wrong something's wrong with me that's what she that's what she does for me i'm talking about my service dog she she knows i'm crying and she probably can smell yeah shit so that's why you if you saw her lift me up like pet me and forget about it yeah that's what she does that's that's her main job cool but um i was like randy how the fuck what i'm supposed to fucking tell you to this dude i'm scared dude so we finally get to the interview and i'm sitting there and we're talking i think about 20 minutes in matt's crying and i'm crying and the interview goes way past than what it's supposed to we just start talking and we just stop we We stand up. We hug each other. We both sit down.

And he's been my best buddy ever since. He's taken care of me ever since that day. And that night, they was like, you got to tell your story. Matt told his story. And his fucking story is real as fuck. And if you ever get to come to Fit Ops and hear some of these guys' stories, I don't feel sorry for me, man. My story's relevant just to me. Your story's relevant to you.

You don't understand Juarez, but I don't understand where you grew up. You know what I mean? And I might not have made it where you're at, and you might not have made it where I'm at. My bombs might be someone else's abuse. My bombs to me might be someone else's, someone who's been sexually abused. You know, someone who's just been mentally or beaten down their whole fucking life. My being in Iraq doesn't make a civilian's any less because it gave us the same issue in our brain.

And that's what I'm starting to fucking learn. Bomb or not, I'm fucked. If I believe it. Because once you find hope or you find a group of people that you can just relate to. You know, the fucking problem we have right now is our lives aren't perfect, man. But that's all we want to show. You know, I would love to see a bodybuilder show how they feel in peak week. Why not just show that instead of just showing your posing show these motherfuckers what it feels like to get where

you need to be to get on stage because you're damn you're dead but they only show the good shit so the ones who don't understand this they literally might kill themselves and the one thing that could have changed it was if someone like devin would have been like when i look like this it hurts why well maybe the water the carbs of this to that but if you do it this way you won't die you know what i mean so i don't fucking have the answer to not pull that fucking trigger because the gun's been in my mouth but i know what to think of to not do it deanna my daughter my kids matt you know johnny harrison all these dudes fucking care my sons you know my father even those motherfuckers that treated me like shit. I don't want those sons of bitches at my funeral.

So I gotta wait to die when I'm 115 when they're all dead, man. Because I only want people that love me at my fucking funeral. You know, but you gotta find what works for you. What works for Devon don't work for me, brother. What works for you guys might not work for me. But if I can see you guys are struggling, but still making it gives motherfuckers hope you know what i mean i don't want to sit there and listen to a motivational speaker who's telling me oh you can't do this motherfucker because of this and you're supposed to do that and that when i speak now the difference between me and the people in the audience is nothing at At any moment in my life, I can easily turn around, shut the fuck up, and listen to the same story I'm telling somebody.

Because I don't have the answers, man. I just know don't do it. If I was really ready to kill myself, I tell myself in my head, every day at 2.30, I wouldn't clean my shit up to get ready to pick up my babies from school so that means i know something has to be right in there i just gotta pay attention on the right i think we focus so much on the you've got blown up your brain's fucked up that's all i've been hearing your leg's not right you're messed up you. You're a little nigger. You're this. You're that.

I'm not used to getting the, you know, I came to fit ops because of you. These kids tell me this shit now. Man, that feels good. It was like, man, that video I saw, that's why I'm here. And I see a tear in their eye from this big fucking Marine or this big burly guy that you'll be like, I'm'm pretty sure he never cries they're just sitting there they're just seeing something or heard something and it's like man i helped and here i am thinking i'm just the biggest pussy that cries i don't cry man i haven't stopped crying since i've fucking been to fit up i must have lost i don't know like 15 pounds of just tear weight, bro.

Just like, holy shit. And it feels good. My son lost his little Super Bowl game out in Argyle, Texas. He was fucking crying like a motherfucker. I got on my knees and hugged him and didn't tell him, don't cry, you little pussy, nothing. I was like, this is where you cry with, right here with me. And I was just hugging the hell out of him. One of the other moms took a picture of us and they sent it to me that's my favorite fucking picture ever it's i'm sitting there crying with my son because i wanted him to win too and watching him be so sad about

something but he worked hard for and i was like you deserve to be sad motherfucker because you should have won but he didn't and it's okay. Still going to get sprinkles, man. Still get sprinkles on your ice cream. And he sees that now. He's seen me cry. He's seen my video. He's seen it. And he looks at it, and he's proud, man.

He looks at me like he's good. When he needs to cry, he'll cry. He's in basketball now. They knocked the glasses off of his face. He went to the bench. He cried real quick. I look at him. I give him a thumbs up. He's like basketball now. They knocked the glasses off of his face. He went to the bench. He cried real quick. I look at him. I give him a thumbs up.

He'll be like, not yet. And then like a minute later, he'll be like, I'm good. And he gets back in the game. But I never tell him, don't cry. I'll never tell my son not to cry. Because I know how fucking good it feels just to sit here with you guys. And I just met. And fucking cry.

And I know when I get up and leave, you're not going to be like, the fucking bitch. Fucking pussy was crying. That's just in my head fucking cry. And I know when I get up and leave, you're not going to be like, the fucking bitch. Fucking pussy was crying. That's just in my head. You know what I mean? It's just like, oh, I don't look as buff as I'm supposed to. As soon as you start learning how to fucking love yourself. That's what I try to tell people in your industry, Devin.

They don't like what they see. So if you could help the people first love what they see, I try to tell them, if you want to lose weight, you got to love what you see first. Love that motherfucker because when you love something, you'll do everything for it. If you hate what you're looking at, it's never going to work. The mind, muscle, and body connection.

It's a connection that has to happen. It's a full circle with anything. For anything to work, you have to have a full circle, period. for like for fit ops to work it couldn't have worked with just a bunch of mats or a bunch of devins you had to have a bobby you had to have a randy you have to have a jen you need a harrison you need a group to make it work it's kind of like performance house with these guys you can't have a bunch of devins. Devin does this. Then the other person does that. Then Mike does boxing. Then you have like your PT train.

Then you have Hunter. Then you have Chow. You know what I mean? The best thing, if you remember the fucking get along gang. You remember the get along gang? No, I don't know why I got you.

Look up the get along gang. The get along gang was a little cartoon of animal friends. One was a cat. One was a fucking moose. One was a little bear. They were all best was a cat. One was a fucking moose. One was a little bear. They were all best friends. None of them looked the fucking same.

None of them were the same color. None of them were nothing. And they were the get-along gang. Everybody just got along. I like that. And when shit would happen wrong, they all fixed it together. That was just the cartoon I used to look at when I was little. And I always used to be like, man, it doesn't fucking matter.

All of us here are something different. But shit, dude. We're the get-along gang. I love it, dude. What's the future look like for you? I have no fucking clue, man. You know how many fucking friends you get all of a sudden when you come out of Men's Health magazine? Bunch of fake ones.

Wait, I want to hear about Men's Health. What was this experience like? Dude, it was crazy. You can go. It was a super crazy experience. We'll tell them how to find about men's health tell what was this experience like what dude it was crazy you can go it was a it was a super crazy experience you need more followers it was a super crazy experience man i went up to new york and um we did i did the final push fundraiser with john with john cena we're pushing to to fundraise with the he came out on allen and um he let them know about the challenge. And if we could get a million dollars, he was going to give us a million dollars.

Match it. We did it, man. Yeah. We did it with the help of amazing people like Mark Cuban, with Allen, with John. I don't know the rest of them. Of course, I don't get access to none of that stuff, but everybody who did help. And there was a lot, a shit ton of not celebrity people, just regular motherfuckers like you and me that were just like, hey, even if it was a fucking buck, man, we passed the one million mark. And that was December, the beginning of December last year.

And while I was up there, they're like, hey, man, they want to interview you. Like who? Like Men's Health Magazine. I was like, man, shut up. You know, like really? And they did. They interviewed me right before that interview, the speech that I gave for the Apollo event up in New York. Beautiful.

I signed on as a vendor for Apollo. So I'm hoping to get some more speaking engagements with that. I talk a lot with, I got to meet Frank Shamrock. And he did the Bipolar Rock and Roller. So the event that I spoke at for Apollo in Las Vegas vegas he was a speaker there too so i got to spend just time with them and um kind of this not the same background at all but the same kind of upbringing gangs he was in prison dude he's felon and stuff just to learn to see how he drove up for that and he has a little girl which is like his saving grace. Those little girls, man. They fuck you up, man.

It's the most amazing thing ever. So I got to meet a bunch of these awesome men that had obviously a lot more than me. You know what I mean? And instead of sitting there and feeling like a little peon or whatever, I was like, I can learn from these guys, and I can one day be like them. To me, that's my ultimate goal to just be happy not happy happy is just a feeling so it's like sad just like trying to be mad all the time those emo kids even if you manage to be mad all day and you get happy that you were mad you just

fucked it up you can't be one yeah you can't you can. You can't. There's just a feeling. So live in the moment. If you're sad, live in that moment real quick. Your body's supposed to be sad. You know what I mean? It's like a cool down or something. Just be sad. Why are you being sad?

Understand it and go back to your joy. Because you can always find joy in everything. I found joy in Iraq. I found joy as a kid. You know? I find joy now. And those are, Iraq was a terrible time being a kid to me when i was little i remember wanting to be dead so many times but i still found joy some certain little things if you just chase the joy just be fucking happy like after fit ops i

started learning how to slow down and just look at the sky listen to the birds you know just listen look at the water you know just start looking around that shit man because it's like you said that click thing stop pushing fast forward stop wishing you're already at the end of it imagine before you guys even started your journey is the fucking fun part i always think of we just went to the movies as a family do we saw fucking Jumanji 2. And Danny DeVito, the whole movie. Man, getting old fucking sucks.

Getting old's terrible. At the end of the movie, he was like, getting old is like the most beautiful thing that you could do as a man. Yeah. You know, just see everything that's happening. Once you could just fucking learn how to slow the fuck down, dude. Just start looking at everything. Feel the sun on your face again. You ever seen a blind person look at the sun?

You'd never fucking tell they didn't have eyes because they know exactly where it's at. When they walk outside, pay attention next time you see a blind person. If it's cold and the sun shows up, they'll be like, right now with my eyes closed, I know where the light is. But that warmth, just pay attention to that. Stop paying attention to everything with here and start feeling shit. That's what fucking helped me, dude. I just started feeling more. I started just being present with my daughter, with my son, with my wife.

I started talking to my wife, like, babe, I'm feeling like this. Well, why? Well, think about it. By the time we finished talking, it went away. Yeah. You know, it's like I had a service wife. My wife is a combat veteran, too. My wife went to Iraq. My wife understands it.

By the time I wake up in the middle of the night, all of a sudden, she won't even wake up. She goes, hey, let's go to bed. Nothing wrong. Nothing wrong. You're good. I was like, oh, if she's not tripping, then I shouldn't be tripping. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a good story, man. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad I'm here. I'm glad we're here. Yeah. i'm here so i'm glad we're here yeah i'm glad we got to do this that's one of the most powerful shows i've ever been a part of thank you for sharing all that no problem man the goal is to help my message is love as stupid as it sounds bro whatever you're gonna do whatever you're gonna do man just fucking love it we're

wrapping up right now uh where can people find you at, man? Where can they learn more about this story and help and do what they need to do? There's fitopsfoundation.org. They're the ones who have been able to help out, do everything. I have social media. I'm not huge. I think I have like 500 people that like me, and I think most of them came up when they saw that I was on John Cena's frame and stuff like that. So I don't really know.

But it's at Bobby Summers. That's my Instagram, B-O-B-B-Y-S-O-M-E-R-S. You know it's not good because there's an underscore in there somewhere. There is? I think so. Shut the fuck up. It's all good. We'll get it in the show notes.

You're good. I'm sorry but fitops.org to me is the most important part than just coming to find them fucking i don't care if i get another follower but if you want to give a dollar to somewhere it needs to go there's about 40 motherfuckers behind me going through this through this course that we provide everything for them all they got to do is show up at the airport. Yeah. Doug Larson. Damn.

Yeah. I cried. You could find me. I cried like five times. A lot. We have a lot to unpack tonight talking about this. Dude. I need to give you a fucking hug is what I need to do, my man.

All right. You can find me on Instagram, Douglas E. Larson. I'm Anders Varner. At Anders Varner. We're the Shrug Collective at the Shrug Collective. We'll talk to you guys next week. That's a wrap, friends. ShruggedStrengthGems.com. ShruggedStrengthGem.com to find out more about hosting the One Ton Challenge at your gym.

Also, our friends at Organifi. Organifi.com forward slash shrug to save 20% and Masszymes.com forward slash shrug to save 20% on the digestive enzymes to make sure you're getting all the amino acids you need we will see you on Monday