Barbell Shrugged - It Takes Vulnerability To Get Through Trauma w/ Milam Byers  — Feed Me Fuel Me #115

Episode Date: November 29, 2018

Milam Byers goes deep with us this week on Feed Me Fuel Me. The lead guitarist of the band Bleach shares his experience with reforming his identity after the band broke up. How do you stay positive. How do you remain present for your family, your wife, your kids, after everything you’ve ever known is over and done with? Compound your identity crisis with the loss of your brother on the battlefield of the war in Afghanistan, and you have a lot to process very quickly. Only through the expression of vulnerability, and the humility of voicing everything he kept inside, was Milam able to overcome the end of and old life, and loss of a loved one. Now he has shifted gears and made it his life’s mission to empower those that have less. Driving the mission of Food for the Hungry  and Striking Out Poverty, Milam is connecting athletes with a passion for change with communities that struggle in the third world. In Milam’s words, “No one ever got upset because they gave too much.” Enjoy Milam’s journey and thanks for joining us for this week’s episode! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Show notes: http://www.shruggedcollective.com/fmfm_byers ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ► Subscribe to Shrugged Collective's Channel Here http://bit.ly/BarbellShruggedSubscribe 📲 🎧 Listen to the audio version on the Apple Podcast App or Stitcher for Android Here- http://bit.ly/BarbellShruggedApple http://bit.ly/BarbellShruggedStitcher Shrugged Collective is a network of fitness, health and performance shows that help people achieve their physical and mental health goals.  Usually in the gym, but outside as well. In 2012 they posted their first Barbell Shrugged podcast and have been putting out weekly free videos and podcasts ever since. Along the way we've created successful online coaching programs including The Shrugged Strength Challenge, The Muscle Gain Challenge, FLIGHT, Barbell Shredded, and Barbell Bikini. We're also dedicated to helping affiliate gym owners grow their businesses and better serve their members by providing owners tools and resources like the Barbell Business Podcast. Find Shrugged Collective and their flagship show Barbell Shrugged here: SUBSCRIBE ON ITUNES ► http://bit.ly/ShruggedCollectiveiTunes WEBSITE ► https://www.ShruggedCollective.com INSTAGRAM ► https://instagram.com/shruggedcollective FACEBOOK ► https://facebook.com/barbellshruggedpodcast TWITTER ► http://twitter.com/barbellshrugged

This is episode number 115 of the Feed Me, Fuel Me podcast with our special guest, Director of Sports Partnerships of Food for the Hungry, Milam Byers. Welcome to the Feed Me, Fuel Me podcast. My name is Jeff Thornton, alongside my co-host, Michael Anders. Each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message related to our three pillars of success. Manifestation, business, fitness, and nutrition. Our intent is to enrich, educate, and empower our audience to take action, control, and accountability for their decisions. Thank you for allowing us to join you on your journey. Now let's get started. Hey, what's good, fam? Welcome to another episode of the Feed Me, Fuel Me podcast. There's Jeff coming to you from warm

and sunny Scottsdale, Arizona with Mylon Byers, the director of sports partnerships for Food for the Hungry. How are you, brother? I'm good. Did I nail it I nailed it you did okay third time's a charm right right so much off the mic preparation for that one right practice makes perfect that's me that's a mouthful on the intro um uh you've got quite quite the history uh from from music you you describe yourself as a creator yeah and uh and, uh, you've been, been given the, the task of building out the striking out hunger, striking out poverty campaign, um, uh, within your, within your organization. Um, so, and you know, a mutual friend of ours, Kyle Mock, um, and we just want to dive into your story, man, because it sounds like everything that you have going on within Food for the Hungry is a passion point for you.

Yeah. Based on all that you've seen around the world and your travels with music and stuff like that. Yeah. Now that you're still tied to music but out of music, this kind of allows you to pursue that mission as an extension of what you experienced in the music industry. Yeah. Yeah. That's accurate. I I'm really fortunate when I introduce myself sometimes out and people ask, what do you do? And I tell them, man, my job's not like that. I wish I had a job that had that much purpose. And you know, you don't always feel that way. Sometimes you go home and it's a job and you're tired. But I'm just I'm really fortunate to be able to to mix those worlds. And now with sports, you know, to be able to to use the power of sports to do good and to help to help people around the world are there a lot of parallels between the the world of music and entertainment and the world of sports oh yeah lots okay um i was just having this discussion

earlier because a friend is passing through town he's playing downtown tonight he's on tour and uh we had coffee before this and um he was asking me the same thing is like like musicians are big fans of athletes and vice versa sure because it's like we come up in different worlds we don't cross paths a lot you know so we were discussing this and and like I think a lot of the things that can become skin we're going to jump in the deep end really early. Nice, I love that. The quicker the better, man. Okay, so I'll keep going.

I think the things that, like our identity and who we think we are, are so based on outward performance in both of those areas. You know, asking those questions of like, Oh, you know, am I good enough? What do people think of me? Sure. Um, even something as simple as do they like me? Right. You know?

And it's like those, those kind of realities of, um, you know, this performance, this, like I have to be someone or I have to create this thing or this persona right to be successful or whatever um so like with creative people like myself like musicians and artists it's always like you're always looking for that thing like am i gonna am i gonna write the next song or the next record that's gonna matter or that's going to be cool enough or whatever. And, um, athletes are, you know, it's a lot more like based on discipline and like, you know, in some cases, like the numbers don't lie. Like you're, you're either good enough or you're not good enough in the arts. It's a little bit more, you know, subjective. It's not quite as clear cut sometimes, but, um,

you know, just that, that constant like battle of like make, making sure that we're not defining ourselves by these things that, um, you could, could, could really control us and sure. It kind of calls us to be like something else.

Yeah. I don't know. And then like sort of how you get out that, because that's such an interesting perspective because coming from like a creative zone, I heard somebody say it the other day. It's like for a creator, they,

it's like having a baby, like you're producing something that takes this time to deliver like that nine months. And when you put it out there, it's like you're delivering your baby, but you're having your work, the world judge it right when you put it out there. Yeah.

So getting that feed, that feedback is, it can be, you know, it it can be helpful it can be harmful at the same time how do you deal with that pressure because that's a tough thing when you're a creator because you put so much work into it you want people to love it as much as you did man i i say all the time i'm i'm dating myself but i'm so thankful that I didn't make records and play shows in the Instagram, YouTube, like the year that we stopped touring was, uh, we, we just signed up for a MySpace page. So that just gives you like, okay. Yeah. Okay. But that like, it's more instant than it's ever been. Right. Right. And anybody can have any opinion they,

they want to put out there. Right. So, um, yeah, I think you just, you really have to be, you have to insulate yourself from that criticism.

Um, all criticism, like you said, is not bad, but we live in a place now where like anybody can criticize anybody. Like it can be as unfounded and as false as sure as they want it to be, you know? Right. But man, yeah. You have an off night or something. I'm so glad so many shows of mine weren't on YouTube instantly stories and shared with the world. Like, gosh.

What did you play in the band Bleach? Guitar. Okay. Yeah. With the lead, the bass, the... Lead. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. So when you're on tour, and we were talking about this off air, when you're going 200 nights a year on the road and you have an off night. Like what is that like in terms of your experience on stage and the feedback that the, does the crowd know you're having an off night? Is it, is it that obvious or do you just know that you're just not hitting it the way that you know you should be? Yeah, it sucks.

Because on one side of it, it's personal, right? So it kind of ruins your day, your night. The crowd often doesn't know. Okay. You know, I still remember some really bad shows. Which is crazy. I mean, 14, 15 is crazy. I mean, 14,

15 years ago. Right. Yeah. But you also feel like you let your band down too. Oh, sure. You know, that's your team.

Or maybe you all let each other down and it was just bad. But yeah, that's, you know, that's, you, you've got to just pick up and go to the next place. You can't sit there and right.

You know, wishful thinking that we could do it all over again. Um, you gotta keep moving forward. Sure. Like that's always true. And on tour, like to a fault, you know, like, Oh, right. You never know where you are. And that's always true and on tour like to a fault yeah like oh right you never know where

you are and that's not even like that's not even to be funny like you really all those places start to look the same hotels look the same i've heard that the back of an arena looks the same in every city okay yeah so um you know you just to you just go to the next place. You said that you guys didn't have like a bad breakup. You said it was just it was just time. And you would all hit the in a very serendipitous way. It sounds like you had all hit the next phase of life together. And it was just time to to move on away from the touring scene.

But, you know, you did that for you know 10-15 years yeah how do you you know you said everything starts to look the same like how does how does it not become monotonous for you when there's so much of it that is the same night in and night out. Yeah. I think I was really, really blessed to be with guys that just didn't really take that for granted in the sense that we really tried

to be intentional about being with the people. Yeah. Like we were never just separate. Um, you can do that. It's your choice. You know, you can hide behind the, the backstage door and, and, uh, we call them bus dwellers, just stay on the bus until it's your turn kind of thing. Um, but that was, that always, it keeps you really grounded, but also, you know, when you do it for year after year after year, you really kind of have a family out there.

Okay. Cause I remember having those conversations like, oh, we're in Omaha tonight. So I know so-and-so is going to be here tonight. Like, and you know, it's not like this false, like they know part of you for sure but you know like they don't have my phone number they're not right calling me saying i'm out i'm out front but you just know like um they're going to be there yeah and it's some familiarity and um and newness too like people are just fascinating yeah you know and just having the ability to see different cultures even within the u.s right yeah you know it's just uh it keeps it new and fresh and it's

honestly one of the things i missed the most when i got off the road okay um was i was so used to to seeing something new every day right did you experience that uh that sensation because coming from football both Thursday night play ball yeah where it's not like you really miss the game but you miss the locker room situation being around your buddies having that camaraderie yeah you know it was did it happen that way you know coming from a band because you're so close-knit and then having to separate I have to imagine that's a tough deal either yeah you know, coming from a band cause you're so close knit and then having to separate, I have to imagine that's a tough deal either. Yeah. You know? Yeah. It's really, it's really weird. Um, definitely miss that camaraderie. Yeah. And just, um, and you know, now like we're still really close, like I said, and, um, my kids call them uncle and, you know,

like our kids have kind of grown up together yeah um and so we we try to maintain that although you know it's a few times a year instead of like oh we're together all the time yeah um but i mean the other side of music too which i i don't know um i'm sure there's a side of this to to play in ball as well is like I did miss the time on stage, but not because I wanted to be on stage. But there's something about music and letting it come out of you and having that extension. For me, it was the guitar. I don't sing at all. I wish I could sing because I feel like that's such an easier way to just like let out whatever needs to get out. But I would, that comes through my fingers.

And so, um, yeah, just really missing that. There's not a natural way to do that at home or, you know, when you get home, you start working a job and less time goes to those things. But when you're doing it for a living, you're paid to go do that. And so, um, I would say to this day, that's what I miss. And I've had glimpses of it. You know, we've played other shows and gotten together and it's like, Oh, I remember what that feels like now, you know? Um, and there's another side of that too, of like seeing people come along with you. Sure. The crowd. Yeah. Right. On that journey and feel those things and, and hopefully, you know, take them to a place that, um, it's kind of transcends the moment or the room. When did you, like, what was the moment where you like, um, offered a contract

right off the bat like how did how did you know that music was going to be your professional path because i feel like that's yeah that's very you know we we see it all the time in the aftermath of of college ball guys tried to just hang in there and figure out how they're going to play at the next level right when the writing is on the wall, it's not going to happen. Everybody sees it but them, and yet they're still trying, and they end up being the 40-year-old semi-pro guy. You know?

Like, when did you know that Bleach was going to take off? I mean, you had Fall Out Boy open for you. Yeah. You know? Well, I would say probably when I didn't get off the road and have to go to another job or figure it out, like I was, the rent was paid. I could eat, you know, like, um, just kind of waiting for the next time it was time to leave home.

So I think that was kind of like, Oh wow. Like I'm doing this. And it wasn't, nobody was getting rich, you know, but it was like, no, I don't have to hustle and like figure all that stuff out. This isn't a hobby anymore. Right. And then, you know, like with a record deal, like I was actually fortunate enough. I had toured for a few years before joining bleach. They already had a record deal. Oh, okay. And then right when I came in, our label dropped us like a year later. That sounds like I was the reason they dropped us.

I don't think that's true. They haven't told me that. And so we went kind of through that process again, um, and got signed again. And that was kind of another, even a few years into it of paying my rent and paying my bills and feeling like, oh, this is what I do for a living. That moment of like, oh, this, this label is investing money in us. We're going to go do this. Right. And we did.

So, yeah, there's, but then there's always the sense that you didn't make it. Really? Always. Really? Based on, like, you didn't have a top 40 hit on the billboard. Right. There's always, like. There's always somewhere up.

Uh-huh. And that's probably true everywhere, right? Sure. Yeah. somewhere up uh-huh that's probably true everywhere I sure yeah I remember getting off the road and just feeling like we completely failed really yeah cuz I feel like even making it to that point is a huge success I mean you're not like yeah it's a dive bar down the road anymore the one percent almost like it never feels that way but by percentage like how many people how many bands get to that point where you're touring and like

doing all the cool shit that yeah you know being part of a band is supposed to be you know like how many how many musicians get to experience that part of the deal? I mean, is it a very small amount? Yeah. Okay. Now that I have some perspective. Okay. But it's like when you're... Nashville's a weird city because it's like what everybody does.

Right. And so, you know, I don't know. It's like there's always those guys that open for you. They're like, Oh, look at them. Like they just took off. Right. That song just went crazy and they weren't even good. You know, we used to feel sorry for them because they weren't a good band yet. Um, and now they're getting all this opportunity and they're, they've just taken off, you know? And so, um, there, there was always that feeling like now we, we failed, like even when, even when it was over, like, um, I had a conversation not long ago because it's been, there's a lot of distance between that life and my life now. And so it came out and somebody was like wait you were in that band and i'm like yeah

what and like they were mad because i never said anything like i just assume nobody's ever heard our music nobody's ever heard that name yeah that you don't remember like why would i i don't lead with that yeah why would i bring that right it's funny to me right now that we're talking about it. But I just assume, like, oh, yeah, they've never heard of us. But over and over, like in all these little facets of life, it kind of comes back up. Yeah. It was like, you know, I was 12 years old. I think I saw you at this place with this other band.

That's nuts. Yeah, that was probably it. That was right. I was band. That's nuts. Yeah, that was probably, that was right. I was there. That's nuts. You know. But you see a lot of people who have that high-performing mentality, whether it's athletics, musicians. It's like, as you're going through it from the outside looking in,

people's perspective is like, they must be living the most amazing life. And to you, it's just a day-to-day thing. Like, this is just normal life. And it's always trying to reach for the next highest level. No matter how good you think you are where you where people perceive you you always feel like i got more i have more i have more it just continues to go throughout your life but that's how you continue to grow because otherwise if you stagnate you know yeah and you just it's interesting because you hear it from

you know top athletes in the world your musicians it's just interesting how that perspective just plays out in every facet of life of people that want to continue to grow especially in our circle of people like you and i met through kyle mock yeah speaking to him i'm looking out like dude you're doing amazing things and to him he's just like yeah but i'm just at the beginning like whoa your beginning is pretty incredible in the in the scope of what everybody else is doing. So it's just an interesting mindset. I think it's cool to see that. I feel like it's easier to see in other people than yourself.

Than yourself, for sure. We discuss one of the tenets of fulfillment and success and happiness that is a reoccurring theme in these conversations is, is the theme of identity. And when you shift gears from one phase of the, of life to the next, you know, how easy is it to take, you know, what you did and make it who you are. And when that phase is over, try to carry it with you instead of, and when it's, it's not that it's no longer relevant, but instead of embracing the, the skills and experience that you had in that life and bring it over, you try to create this new life around a life that doesn't exist anymore. Did you, did you have that battle with identity when?

Oh, big time. Yeah? That was huge. Our singer, who's probably been my closest friend for 20 years, we used to laugh about the jobs we had right after that. Of like, hey, I show up to work and nobody claps. Nobody stands up, which sounds ridiculous. Right. But we just got out of this lifestyle where like people were just glad you were there, you know, like you pull up to the venue, people want to help

you unload. They wanted to meet you. And then people show up for the show that night and it was like you walk out on the stage with the lights down and everybody's like so pumped that you're there and uh they didn't do that in the office where i worked right so um so just that that mindset that you are more than your job and you're more than your band or you're more than your team or whatever that context is, that was really, that's probably the hardest work as an adult that I've done of just deconstructing and,

um, finding that identity apart from some of those things that, that are shifting and changing and, um, you know, finding that identity apart from some of those things that, that are shifting and changing and, um, you know, being known for, um, really what's like, what are you about as a person? Like what's your character for me? My faith is a huge part of that. And, um, who are you really, you know? And so, um, what was that process like for you as once you identified that that life is no more? Yeah, man, that was, that was messy because the year

that we got off the road is the year I got married. And so, um so I was dealing with that with career change and all that identity stuff from the band, but also now as a husband. Right. Right. And so I'm no longer the single guy that's home from tour that's just going and hanging out with his buddies. I'm married. I have responsibility. Marriage exposes our selfishness in ways that nothing else can. Right. I completely agree.

You didn't know you were so selfish until she told you. So, so that was, that was messy. Like it really led to, you know, and you said you guys like to go deep. Yeah, man. Yeah. I guess a component of getting off the road, no, I guess, my younger brother was our drummer. Okay.

So, like, my blood was part of that band. And in 2003, the year before we quit touring we lost our older brother um he was killed in iraq so who did he serve with he was uh third arm on cap armored calf regiment army army yeah so like i think i understand like the discipline and the drive of athletes because of my older brother you know like he was that he was never satisfied like i remember him like not coming out of his room for a whole weekend in high school because he had like a three nine seven and not a four point. You know, and went to West Point branched armor. You're a Marine.

So you understand this stuff. But like branched armor, but chose to go through ranger school because he knew that some of the men that he would lead would have ranger tabs and felt like they need to know that I did this and I can do this and I can lead them. So we lost Josh in July of 03. He was killed by a roadside bomb on my mother's 50th birthday. So the, like the, the weight of that is that my parents were flying in from Japan when it happened. So they were in the air and my, my younger brother and I were off tour for like three days Drove from Nashville to Atlanta to go see them really quickly because they lived in Guam at the time So we didn't get to see him maybe once or twice a year

And it was mom's birthday. I got engaged two days before that and so we were kind of going down there like Pick them up at the airport. Let's go celebrate these things together. And instead I picked them up from the airport and had to tell them that their, their son was killed. Um, the army couldn't find them, couldn't find us. And so I had to meet them and tell them. So, um, you know, part of my identity at that point, because there was a lot written about it, music publications picked it up because 2003 was when we started the war in Iraq. And it's all anybody was talking about that time politically and everything. And so it was a big story that that my brother and i had lost our brother in the war and um our generation i think was just coming to terms that we're a war generation like we're going to know people that get killed we're going

to know people that suffer effects of this war and before it was always my dad's generation in Vietnam and we didn't have that direct touch point. So, um, so there was that piece that like my music and my band was part of that identity. But in that last year and a half, there was also that piece that, Oh, that's the guy that lost his brother. Wow. Cause everywhere I went, that's all anybody wanted to talk about, you know? And I was, you know, um, so there was, that was, that's, that was a messy time. Sure. Like I had to figure out not only a career change and how to be married, also like how do you how do you grieve like the closest person to you that's lost in such a tragic way and not like just be the sum of those things right you know um and you know like anybody will tell you that's lost someone close

like you feel like if it doesn't come up, you're dishonoring them or you're, you're forgetting them or something like you've done something wrong, you know? And so that can lead you through the cycle of just not really healing and not, not really figuring out who you are after that. It's a vicious loop. And, uh, how long was your process to take that massive transition coupled with such an immense loss and find your way through to the other side? How long did that take you to become whole with yourself again? Yeah. It was not quick. No.

I wouldn't imagine it is. It was eight years. I remember kind of the turning point. What was that? 2011. of the turning point and that was what was that 2011 um i my mom had been telling me for a couple years that i should sit down with a counselor and like there were people in my life that had

far more like visible wounds sure from our loss mm-hmm and it was kind of like no I'm good like I have a very functional life like I got a family I got a job I'm holding it down like mm-hmm you know everything's good right and i remember saying something to my wife and she's like yeah yeah she's right i think that'd be really good for you and after a while it's like man like they're probably right yeah and what's it gonna hurt like sure this, sure. This counselor is not going to get anything out of me anyway. So the first time I sat down with a counselor, um, the VA provides that for families and I just never taken advantage of it. And so there was a level of comfort there, um,

being in that military world and knowing that who you were talking to was going to get it. Like, sure. You know, like you're helping guys recover and return home and families like ours. So like, it comes with a lot of freedom of like, I can talk about this honestly and raw, you know? And so, um, I did and he started uncovering, um, that first meeting. It blew my mind because he started asking these questions and he asked me, he goes, can you tell me the last time you wrote a song, like you were creative,

something came out of you and you wrote a song. And I started thinking about it and I told him and he goes, would it surprise you if I told you that like when, when Josh died, like your brain shut, shut down, you haven't written a song since your brother was killed and I never put those two things together Wow

never like that's sounds so obvious but we made a record the summer he was killed uh-huh it was done we got the master copy like the week he died and the following year we stopped so there was never anybody in the studio or in pre-production looking at me going where's your songs at like you're you always write half the songs of the record like where's your contribution and so you just keep moving. Sure. Life keeps happening. Right. My life's different now.

That's not what I do. I've moved on. And so that blew my mind. I remember getting in the car and just thinking, like, how did I not know that, like, he explained how trauma works and how the left and the right brain and, and how you're, you put up that wall to protect yourself and the, the narrative, the story side of your brain, which is what allows us to create, um,

and write music and do, do things and give context, get shut down. And you're just, it's just the facts, man. Yeah. It was was like i'm sitting with you right now it's so and so in the afternoon we're in this location and so he said my goal

before this is all done is i want to i want you to write a song and i just thought that was ridiculous yeah like no i'm not gonna do that and and my only excuse was that nobody wants to hear that song like that's a terrible song because he wanted he wanted me to write about that that sure like my trauma happened and how i heard it and the fact that i had to deliver that news myself so he was, that's what you need to write about. Sure. It's exactly what you need to do. And I remember telling my wife that night, like, like, I don't know if I'm going to go back. Cause there's no way that's ever going to happen. And, um, and so I, but I did go back and, uh, he was explaining to me, I don't know if you guys have ever heard of EMDR.

It's a, I wish I could remember what those letters mean. It's not electromagnetic. Look it up. EMDR. It's a form of therapy. It's been really effective with post-traumatic stress. Let me try that.

But it sends impulses on the left and the right side of you. And so it's doing that as a therapist, as a counselor, is helping you reprocess through your trauma. Okay. So he explained it to me like like reprocessing is like, like in Madden, how you can get the different view of the football field, right? It's just like,

boom, like I can see all around the quarterback. I can see the sight lines and on top and all this is like, that's what you're doing in that moment. Cause trauma happens at a precise moment okay there's a second that it happens right and so he's like that's our work that's what we're gonna do my moment was in the atlanta airport so we started doing that work and i decided one day to take a run at the park put music on just took off and like immediately like this song of my own came to me mm-hmm you know like I I run around it's like it's Greenway in Nashville and I get back to my car and I immediately take out my phone I run around, it's like this greenway in Nashville and I get back to my car and I immediately take out my phone and I just start like, it just, it's just like

I was throwing up. So like I'm putting it in my notes and I'm just writing like these lyrics that came to me on this jog. And so I work on a little bit more that night. Don't tell anybody. So the next time I go to the counselor, I was kind of like, hey, something happened. Kind of weird. Yeah.

And he started asking questions. A good counselor is a great questioner. Yeah. Yeah. So he explained to me why it happened when I was running. Oh, okay. It was like my own form of EMDR. Okay. Cause when you're running left, right, left, right. Your brain can't shut down. It's like, and so that explains why, um, even to this day, there's a flow of thought in places I go when, when I run or when I'm doing

something active like that, it doesn't happen otherwise. So, um, yeah, that, that came out of that moment. And that was, uh, it was late 2011, early 2012. It was early 2012. And it was this breakthrough moment for me. Sure. Of no longer being scared of, like, what I'd been through. You know, there was a time that I would have even to tell you guys that little snapshot that this happened, and at the same time, it was this day, and I had to tell my parents that news. I wouldn't have been able to get it out. Sure.

There's so much power in learning how our bodies work. And that was evidenced there. Like your brain is an amazing thing. Like it shuts down that way to protect you in trauma. Um, but it doesn't need to stay that way. It's not healthy to stay that way. And, um, seeing the work that my brother and my dad and my mom have all gone through and, and, um, the soldiers that served with my brother that were there, um, you know, they're like a part of our family too. And in hearing their own stories, um, which is originally how I heard about EMDR was that one of my brother's best friends had gone through it and it, it helped him tremendously. So, um, yeah, I don't even remember what question I was answering. No, I mean, no, you, you answered it for sure. I,

you know, just, uh, to, to clarify, uh, you know, I just simply asked you when was the, how long your process was from, you know, how just simply asked you when was the, how long your process was from, you know, how long your, your grieving process was before you found your way again. Yeah. And you know, eight years, man, that's, that's heavy. Um, and then, uh, EMDR just so you, it's eye movement, desensitization, every process. Yeah. Yeah. Eye movement. Yep. That's incredible, man. It's done a lot of times with a light. Yes. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. yeah, I'm moving. Yep. That's incredible man. It's done a lot of times with a light. Yes. Yeah, okay Yeah, um, you know, it's interesting that that happens on such a subconscious level That you're not conscious

That eight years later, it's still happy. It's still oh, yeah, like Now it's defining you by what you're, you know, what you think you're consciously choosing to do. You're really not in control of it all. Right. You know, and that's eight years. It took you eight years to get to a point where you were comfortable enough to have the conversation to expose that there's something latent that's still inhibiting who you are as you're now living in this, this new phase of life, which is just, just, just speaks to the complexity of what's going on

between your ears. Yeah. You know, know um that's interesting how that that treatment just allows you it allows you to feel the point the pain without like shutting it down it's so interesting yes because we talked about it that seems like a theme on their last few episodes at least is especially males we we come from such like providers taking care of our family, you know, you have to be this strong, structured individual, but you don't allow yourself to feel these emotions,

and like let it go, and that's just, I think it's incredible how it helps you, you know, through music and your creativity, express yourself in the way that you know best, and it's comfortable to you, and just being able to uncover that, that's just so interesting to see, because a lot of times in the world we live in men don't hold on to that that sensitive side where that feminine energy energy and they feel like it's they feel like it's a it's I guess it makes you weak like men feel like it makes you weak and it's not a weak sensation it's actually more strengthening than it is like then it's in his weakness so it's just cool how

that's all coming out now in the world we live in. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm glad you found it. Cause that's, yeah, it's fascinating. Cause I think the easiest thing to do when you don't feel like it is, it's affecting your daily life, which, you know, you know, it is like, I know it definitely was.

Yeah. Why the closest people in my life are like, yeah, yeah, you should probably talk to me. Yeah. But it's, I know for me, it was eyeopening even in when I was going through that, that something could sit dormant for that long. Yeah. You know, like you think, and I, you know, and we're told that like, oh, time, time will heal. Sure. Yeah. You know, like you think, and I, you know, and we're told that like, Oh, time, time will heal. Sure. Yeah. And that's just not true. I mean, not if you don't do the work, right. You know? Yeah. That, that, I think that's, that's a huge, that's a critical point that's

missing in that statement is, you know, yes, time you, you won't necessarily, you won't get over it, but you'll, you'll be able to move past it. Um, assuming that you do the work, you know, you, you express vulnerability, um, into what Jeff was saying. It is a recurring theme on the show as of late, you know, uh, a knot on our last episode, uh, uh, highlighted that, you know, you, you've got kids now. Yeah. Um, that, uh, when you hear the word vulnerability and if you were to assign that response, the responsibility to teach vulnerability to mom or dad, who would it be? I'm asking that question. Oh yeah. Mom, every day of the week. No dad. Oh yeah. Yes. And she just, she, that's the same thing. I was like, yeah, right. Yeah. Cause you think dad bravado, masculinity, right. And you attach never vulnerable. Right. And you, you attach a, a, a feminine context to being vulnerable. Right.

Right. And, uh, the way and not explains it is, um, uh, when it comes to the relationship and how that lesson is taught, because baby is part of mom, mom is part of baby as a byproduct of pregnancy and the womb and all that good stuff, there is no vulnerability there. Like, it's the ultimate relationship. You know, I am who I am and I don't need to hide anything from you. So there's no need for me to be vulnerable. But when in incomes, dad, dad is the first experience for child outside of self. And now I have to be vulnerable to establish a genuine quality relationship with you. Right. So, yeah. So it's your job as dad to teach vulnerability.

And like when she spun it that way, I was like, yeah, you know, so like for nuts, you know, to take it a step further, just being a man, right. We're taught to not express vulnerability. Yeah. You know, like that is, that is, that is a weak trait to carry. Right. You know, from a societal belief standpoint. And I think that's, that's changing in the world, uh, especially as we keep having these conversations.

Um, but yeah, you know, it's, it's really interesting that, you know, in order for you to get to where you are now, you know, uh, to get to the other side of grief, there is a very deliberate, intentional and uncomfortable process of vulnerability that ha that is required to take place to get there. Oh yeah. And if you don't acknowledge that to be true, you're, it's always going to hold you back and you'll see it manifest in the relationships or lack thereof that you experience in the aftermath of, of trauma. Yeah. Yeah. You know, question. Yeah. I know now that I, there's no way I could do what I do now had that work not been done. Sure. I don't think I'd be where I'm at. Yeah. And I think that's, that's, that's the perfect segue because now you're out here changing the world on, on such a, a massive level,

you know, where did your relationship with Food for the Hungry and then the striking out poverty movement come from? Yeah. I've been with Food for the Hungry now for about five years and got introduced to their work through just some mutual friends. Um, my brother at that time was playing drums for a band that was doing some stuff with, with FH. And then another good friend of mine from, from the music world, um, had just started working at food for the hungry for like a year before that. And, um, I was, I was in that, in a season where I was kind of like, okay, what's next? Where am I going? What am I doing?

And so started working out of Nashville and working with tours and with artists that wanted to use their stage and their platform to help the people that FH is serving around the world. And so that eventually led me to, you know, we were on a trip with a band showing them that work in the Dominican Republic. And I couldn't get over how prominent and how important baseball was in the Dominican. Sure. Um, and just culturally, like what, uh, just a huge part of the power it had there. And, um, and so I just started asking those questions of like, Hey,

why aren't we working with, with baseball players and what's going on with, with major league baseball. And, uh, you know, and telling the story of like, I was telling you earlier, like this, this Island is more than, than all inclusive resorts and, and phenomenal baseball players. Like there's actually really vulnerable, extreme impoverished situations here. Um, and that was the side of it I was seeing right because food for the hungry mission is to serve the most vulnerable in the hardest places and so okay wherever we're working in the context that we're

working we're we're seeking out the people that no one else is is helping and and are in really vulnerable situations, um, due to a number of circumstances. But, um, so I was exposed to that part of the Dominican and saying, Hey, we need to connect these worlds, you know, because I'm seeing it, um, you know, with artists and in the music space of like the power of them using that platform to invite their audience into something and to be part of something that, that does change the world that impacts real people. Um, and, and so I got home from that trip and I remember telling, um, our chief of development about it when I got home and he was just like, yeah, go figure that out. That sounds fun. Um, go be creative. Yeah. Right. So I, I was able to

take that job and just, and just create something that didn't, that didn't already exist and create something that in a space, you know, like in professional sports, um, there's a lot of like amazing and great community work that's done through professional sports teams, you know? Um, and so I found myself having like being the only one in the room talking about international development and extreme poverty. Um, and I still face that like, um, whether it be an athlete or a team or whatever meeting with them, like, okay, so do you do anything domestically? And we don't. So it's shining a light on like some of these, um, really, uh, needy and, and vulnerable places and situations that we are serving and saying,

hey, like keep doing that good work in your city, in that place where you're from. But I think there's room to care about the world too. Very much in a, you know, a global culture now we're exposed to things that even a few years ago we wouldn't know, but now we know about it immediately when a disaster strikes, when a genocide happens, um, and you know, these, these sad circumstances and we don't have to stand by and be helpless. Like we can actually do something. And so, um, yeah, just taking that message into sports and eventually, um, created my own job and now I'm director of sports partnerships,

which, um, that's beautiful. Yeah. It didn't exist before, before this. So, um, yeah, that's beautiful. Yeah. It didn't exist before, before this. So, um, yeah, it's, it's been a trip and, um, some amazing doors have been opened and continue to be, because I think it's really powerful. Um, and athletes are seeing it too firsthand. Sure. That, um, they can have a global impact and that, you know, um, what may start out as like, Oh yeah, I want to, I want to help my brand. It's like a huge conversation now that wants to build their brand and I'm fine with helping people build their brand because what I really care about in the end is, is helping those

people that we serve. Sure. Yeah. And, uh, that's why I do what I do. That's why I wake up in the morning. So how does that, how does that conversation go for, uh, I mean, how, how do you create these relationships with athletes? Um, do you find that most athletes you come into contact with are looking for an outlet to serve? Or is this a conversation where you're creating awareness that they may have not had yet?

Yeah. Or is it 50-50? Yeah. One thing I learned early on, like I think when I first started like meeting with, with athletes and, uh, even agents and advisors, um, about what we were doing, um, you know, there's always that phase. I'm sure you guys know it too. Like where it's still just like this concept and this idea. Yeah. It's like not something that you can feel and touch and, and like, and so, um, you know, those early stages are hard because like, you got to take every meeting possible. Like if you're

willing to listen to me, like I'm going to sit down with you. Um, but it's still like this concept and they can't see it yet. And you know, like I used to hate the questions like, oh, okay, what other players do you work with? Like, you're the first one. They don't all want to be the first one, right? So, but now we're in a very different stage where people know what we're doing before I meet them. Sure. There's a storyline. Like you can Google us and find some videos and some, some media coverage and that sort of thing.

So, um, some of it is, so I had to get to a point where I had to realize that like, no, I'm just going to tell him this is, this is the opportunity. This is, yeah,

I'm inviting you into something that is really powerful and, and is just a cool opportunity for what you're doing that maybe you didn't even know was possible. That's my favorite response is I didn't even know I could do that. I didn't know that was possible. Of course it is like, um, let me, let me walk with you in that. Like, let's go do it together. And so, um, so part of it is just putting it out there and it's not for everybody. Okay. I've had meetings, like, I don't bat a thousand. Yeah. You know, like I've had meetings where like, you could tell walking out of there, like,

eh, okay. Yeah. They didn't feel it. Like, that's not what they're passionate about and that's okay. Right. Um, but I want to, I don. But I want to find those people and I want to work with those people that are all in and are there, you know. Right. That like, oh, I didn't know I could do that.

Like how can I do that? And so part of my job is communicating that, communicating the need, educating them on the power of clean water, the power of health and nutrition in these situations, and the power of empowering leaders to be part of their own solution and part of their own community's development. And these things that we just don't often think about, and the power of making an impact that doesn't just last for today, but can go on for generations and generations. Um, and so, um, yeah, it's, it's always both

of those things. And, um, you know, now, now being further down the road, it is a little bit more like, no, this is the deal. And we really want you to be a part of it, but it's okay if you don't want to be, we'll just, we're going to keep doing what we're going to do. Right. And, you know, I mean, it's not, it's not made for everybody, but I think it probably is for most people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, like, I mean, there's food for the hungry is doing something around the world that I think

everybody can connect to and care deeply about. Where all are you guys operating? So we're in about 22 countries right now in Asia, Africa and Latin America. So, um, in, uh, abject poverty, abject poverty communities and situations. And so,

and is there, is there a, a, a critical mission, uh, that is overarching or is it, you know, community-based do you, are you attacking the, the water situation everywhere? Are you attacking the, um, the, the famine situation every like, or is it just very community dependent? Like which one of those sectors you really are going after any particular time? It's, it's all of those things. And, and, you know, food for the Hungry is very deceiving in some senses as a name because we don't see food as just food, food. Right. It's more than that. Sure. And so, you know, our goal is to see communities graduated from extreme poverty.

And when we say that, it means that we're going gonna walk with them for 10 to 12 years and we're gonna empower them we're gonna train them we're gonna help them find the resources for certain projects like drinkable water yeah community centers health clinics gardening farming and livelihood, and livelihood training. And, you know, in the third world, in the global South, a huge issue is disaster response and resilience. So that when a tsunami or a hurricane or an earthquake or something happens that you can't control, that you don't lose everything starting over from zero, which is often the case in these places. I know of a community in the Dominican that floods twice a year.

And they know it's coming. They know it's coming. Like clockwork. But that's where they live. And so teaching them and building infrastructure, right. That is more resilient and is prepared for those things so that they don't lose everything they have twice a year. Right. Um, so it's, it's about seeing those communities thrive and become self-sustainable. So that's awesome. Um, you know, I, I think that's the only way, you know, and, uh, poverty is complex. Um,

simple answers don't work, right. They don't look the same in every context. Um, and so relationship is a huge part of that. We listen. We include the people that live there in the solution. You know, I think over the last few decades, we've seen organizations and programs do more harm than good in those situations. Really? in those situations because, um, you know, swooping in like you're Superman. Sure. Um, is not effective. It's not sustainable. It creates an enable enablement culture, right? Uh, which, which you don't want to do. And it doesn't give people dignity. It doesn't empower them in any way that you need me, this guy from America, to hand out my used clothing and the losing team of the World Series last year T-shirts. So how do we give them dignity? How do we involve them in what's going on? Do you have, do you encounter a lot of red tape with such an empowering mission from local government? Or do they kind of welcome your initiative in the way you're approaching this development with open arms?

Yeah. Um, cause I, I feel like if, if I'm sitting in, uh, some politician's seat, you know, or I'm the head of government and an organization comes in and exposes me to the reality of the community I'm supposed to be in charge of. Yeah. You know, that, that could potentially not be such a warm reception for you. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there are different dynamics. Sure. For sure.

We always try to walk with them and serve them as well. Sure. Yep. And so some of our work is really teaching the community to advocate for themselves, like to the government. One of the things I hear quite often is that politicians come around when it's election time and they make all these promises and if they don't get elected, you never hear from them again.

If they get elected, you never hear from them again because they got what they wanted, right? Yeah, right. Understanding that corruption and false promises and really disappointment is a part of this cycle of poverty. And so until we prove ourselves differently, we're, we, we're coming from the same place as far as they're concerned. And so that's why I say these things take time. You know, I, I think as Americans, we just want to come in and like, Oh yeah,

let's build that clean water project next week. You know? And even some of the athletes that I take to see our work can be more like, Oh man, let's get going. are we gonna work today right no we're not because this is their this is their community they're fully capable of doing this they don't need us to come right right do something they can do yeah it's actually defeating the purpose actually like just destroying their sense of who they are. You guys are going about this process with that teach a man to fish mentality. Yes.

Yeah. Yes. Of course. So, you know, and then there are more desperate, like urgent situations, like in relief. Okay. Where you do have to do something right now. Food drops. Like they do need food today.

Yeah, sure. And because they're refugees or because a tsunami struck two weeks ago, we're not going to have a farming training, farmer training. They need food right now. They need water right now. They need a place to sleep right now. And so, um, you know, there's, there's different stages for sure. And, and we, we do both, you know, a lot of the times the communities that we are doing this

long-term development with started in a disaster situation and we just didn't leave. Well, I love the fact that you guys are cultivating this, you know, decade plus long relationship to, you know, really see the process through to the end, you know, to, to create a self-sufficient society. Um, the, uh, you know, cause when, when I was first told about food for the hungry, uh, the, the, my initial thought was a disaster relief situation, you know, where we're here for three months, the, the, the danger is gone and what's next onto the next project. You know what I mean? So it's, it's, it's very, um, consoling to me to know that, you know, like it is a long-term mission for you guys in these areas. Yeah. And that's always a challenge too. Like when you're serving somewhere and it has left the headlines and everybody, the world's moved on yeah but you're still

there work in some cases is even harder three months later sure you know and so you know and the other the other thing that I love about FH as an organization is that you know these are these are locals doing this work you know, these are, these are locals doing this work, you know, like when I go visit our work globally, um, you know, like I'll be in Rwanda in a few weeks and I'll be with Rwandans that are serving their people and they get it right. They understand that they are, they're finding their purpose in helping their country and helping the poorest in that place. And I think that's really important. Yeah.

They don't need me. You know, like I get the privilege of like cheerleading for them and meeting with athletes on their behalf. Right. Running campaigns that like they can go do what they do. But they're truly the heroes that's and that's what i love because when you and i had that initial conversation when you and i first met yeah you know i could tell you were genuinely passionate about you know what you're doing and that's what that really stuck out to me because you hear people when they talk about a charity

group you don't just donate here and you don't know where the money goes but when you were explaining the mission for food for the hungry it's like this guy truly cares about the people and delivering a sustainable system and putting pieces in place where these people can be self-sufficient and like that's what i really enjoy and that's that's why i want to be a part of it endures and stuff because seeing people who have a bigger mission other than themselves and to serve others at the highest potential that's just incredible to me you know because a lot of times like coming from a consulting world a service-based business like there's mentioning you get in you help the company

and you're out like you put the system in place if they can fix it cool if they can't fine but with what you guys are doing i feel it's just creating such a long-term impact that's going to affect people in a positive way by, like you mentioned, empowering them to build their society and create long-term growth and keep it sustainable. So I love that about what you guys are doing in your mission. Yeah. Truly, truly impactful. Thanks, man. It's cool. It's always blows my mind that even in that kind of quick scenario where we met that some of that can shine through. So I'm really thankful for that because it's true. It's yeah, I get it. I get it. Like I said, it's a privilege to be able to do what I do. Yeah. And I think I really

believe that we're created to serve. And so, um, we can be truly and fully ourselves when we're helping other people. And, um, you know, I, whether you're a pro athlete or you're a coach or you're a business owner or whatever you're doing, I don't think anybody's ever regretted serving someone else or giving, right. You know, it's like when I, like it does take money. Like part of my job is to say, we're going to do this in this place and it's going to take X amount of dollars to do it. That's true. Like I, there's no way around that. Sure. But I don't know anybody who, who woke up with regret. Like I gave too much.

What was I thinking? Yeah. But we've all woke up with regret over spending too much money on a, B and C and from all this stuff, you know, living in that regret of like, Oh, what I do. Right. I got to pay that off now. So, um, yeah, I mean, I i just i want to be a catalyst to help people you know experience that yeah yeah like um there's there's power to that there's really

um something to that of like let's just give what we can yeah let's let's put it out there yeah and then um it's not only self-fulfilling, but, man, it's bigger than us. Yeah. And that's so cool that you're using athletics as sort of a platform to help forward this initiative even further. Because especially in the American society, people look at these men and women as idols, you know. Yeah. Buy their jerseys, buy whatever, you know, memorabilia paraphernalia that they have. But if the people that you look up to are actually putting their names behind causes like this, more people are willing to say, okay, if Ref Snyder can stand behind this cause,

like I love him as an athlete, like of course I'll stand behind him and donate to whatever cause they're going towards. And I think it's just a huge thing to do because sports has such a huge influence on children or even old adults in this in this world that we live in yeah that it's it seems like the right place to start and for you to have that insight to use that that platform and go global with it that's incredible insight yeah it's really powerful yeah the influence and just how you know athletes like i always want to encourage them to look at the circle of influence they have. And it's not in the numbers of like how many followers do you have and how many jerseys can you sell or whatever.

But like because you are where you are and you're an elite athlete, you got people around you that listen to you. Sure. Oh, yeah. And then you've got fans that are kind of following you. They want to know what you're an elite athlete, you got people around you that listen to you. Sure. Oh, yeah. And then you've got fans that are kind of following you. They want to know what you're about. Yeah. They want to know what you care about. You know, like Kyle,

like helping these guys figure out legacy. Like, what are you really about? Sure. And, you know, I think doing something globally like Food for the Hungry allows for all of that to happen. And you know,

I just seeing that opportunity and being more surprised at like, why aren't more people doing it? Like what's going on? I can't be the only one talking about this, you know? Yeah. So, and it's like,

sort of like what we talked about at the beginning of the show with, you know, growing up at the social media age where you put something out there. Now it's like the powerful part of having social media and that type of reach is somebody can put something out there, and it's almost brought the world closer. Like things used to be when I was growing up, six degrees of separation. A few years ago they released a report saying with Facebook, it's made the separation has gone from six to four degrees of separation.

So just that close of touch to where you're as you're four degrees from that person pitching on the mound, swinging the bat, catching that football. The impact is closer than you think. So just like I said, meeting you at this event through Kyle, two degrees set or through Ders and like we're closer to each other than we

think. We may be a global scale, but we all know somebody in these countries that we can affect. And that just makes you think, right. I can help somebody in the immediate, in the presence that can help them sustain long-term growth. So that's pretty cool. Yeah, man. I love what you're doing, man. So before we let you get out of here today, I want to ask you two questions.

And you can answer them on any level, mental, physical, spiritual, whatever strikes you. And I'll ask them in succession. The first of which is, what do you do each and every day to feed yourself and create the energy to do the work that you're doing? And the follow-on to that is, what do you do each and every day to fuel yourself so that that energy is sustainable over the long term as you guys start creating these 10, 12-year relationships and these initiatives?

Yeah. Um, what I do to feed myself is, uh, I, I dedicate, uh, time to, uh, meditation and, and Bible reading centers me something that's a lot bigger than me. Um, uh, starts my day with a perspective. Sure. Not all about me. And, um, my fuel, uh, is really similar, similar, but my, I think I would say the fuel is relationships. Okay. So building relationships that are, are not built on, um, I need something from you or you need something from me, but building relationships, um, that, um, are sustainable long-term like the work that we, that we care so much about. Um, but they really matter. Sure. Substance is important. And being open is important. Yeah. And that vulnerability, like we're talking about earlier. And so that, that, that's a fuel that

doesn't run out, you know, right. Like sure. We could all, we could all find a way to build some massive social media platform probably. But that's going to run out. It's going to go away. But a real relationship, trust, serving, those things, they don't. That's a fuel that lasts for sure. Love that. And where can everybody in this community go follow you and support you with everything you have going, either personally and professionally, for Food for the Hungry and yourself?

Yeah, I mean, it's pretty easy to find. Food for the Hungry is at fh.org. And, you know, we have social media channels for Food for the Hungry. Striking Out Poverty is our baseball campaign. You can find us on Instagram and Twitter. for the hunger striking out poverty is our baseball campaign. Um, you can find us on Instagram and Twitter. Um, and then just my name, Milam buyers everywhere else. But yeah. Thank you guys. Thank you. Appreciate it. I appreciate the gear too. Oh yeah. Much appreciated. Yeah.

We're going to rocket diligently and get you some more social following, uh, via our platforms, um, for everybody out there in Feed Me, Fuel Me land, make sure you check out everything that the Milam has going on, food for the hungry, striking out poverty. And, you know, if, if you've got the resources or the network that would like to take advantage of helping serve through these platforms, by all means, use Milam as a conduit to make that happen.

And really appreciate you making the time for this, man. Yeah, brother. Really, really appreciate your vulnerability and sharing your journey to the mission that you have now. And for everybody out there in Feed Me, Feel Me land, until next time, Feed Me, Feel Me. And that'll do it for this episode with our special guest, Milam Byers. If you want to check out everything that Milam and Food for the Hungry have going,

please go to the full show notes on shrugcollective.com. Also, be sure to connect with us on social media, including Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter at Feed Me, Fuel Me. We would love to hear from you. If you found this episode inspiring in any way, please leave a rating and a comment in iTunes so we can continue on this journey together. Also, be sure to share this episode with your friends and family on social media. We really appreciate you spending your time with us today and allowing us to join you on your journey. We would love to hear your feedback on this episode, as well as guests and topics for future episodes. To end this episode, we would love to leave you with a quote from Nelson Mandela.

Action without vision is only passing time. Vision without action is merely daydreaming. But vision with action can change the world. Thank you again for joining us and we will catch you on the next episode. you