Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 100: THE WORST OF BEACH TOO SANDY, WATER TOO WET

Episode Date: October 28, 2020

We did the unthinkable! We made it to 100 episodes. Take a horrifying stroll down memory lane with us as we revisit the funniest, most cringe-worthy reviews we've read thus far.  Get your Karma Back To You pin before they sell out! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy! Subscribe to Christine's YouTube channel to watch her read creepy stories! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCb-gAs8Evw3ht70wTk1TiMA Listen to Alex's newest podcast, Human Seeking Human: https://linktr.ee/humanseekingpod Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast. But I'd give it zero stars if I could. Important message. important message your favorite sibling podcasting duo has done the unthinkable we've reached 100 episodes eek because my db alexander out for any newcomers, DB means dear brother in cool cruisers lingo, does so much for the show already, I nobly took it upon myself to surprise him with what I initially wanted to call

the best of Beach Too Sandy Water Too Wet, but what inevitably became the more accurate worst of Beach Too Sandy Water Too Wet. I handpicked one review from every single episode we have recorded thus far, and yes, it was as maddening and time-consuming as you can probably imagine, but in all honesty, listening to our old episodes was a really, really fun task, so I hope you enjoy listening. Now, I'm a little afraid that putting all these reviews side-by-side might, I don't know, tear a hole in the universe or something, but I guess it's 2020, so how much worse could things get? And finally, this is only part one, episodes one through 50, because, and this might shock some of you, Alexander and I talk a lot. So stay tuned for part two coming soon.

to our daddy, who, when he initially created our episode introduction, probably didn't realize that one day he would be cornered into reading every single episode title aloud for my super top secret project. Now, without further ado, come join me as we walk down Beach to Sandy memory lane, or rather, as I shove you into the black hole of Yelp. Have fun! to the black hole of Yelp. Have fun! Episode one, grocery stores in Cincinnati, Ohio. I went with the Cincinnati classic. Cincinnati is where we're both from, where we grew up. We've been to many a Cincinnati grocery store. So my pick this week is Kroger. Of course. And Rose had something to say. Of course. And Rose had something to say. Upon purchasing my cream-filled Long John donut for 69... What type of donut was that?

A Long John donut? Yeah. Isn't that underwear? Yeah, or Long John silvers. Well... Oh, we'll find out good start upon purchasing my cream filled long john donut for 69 cents i was very ecstatic to devour it after a long day but much to my dismay, that need was never satisfied. The donut I purchased had about one-eighth cream into it. Oh, you know when you want one of those long-jawed donuts?

It only has an eighth of cream. One-eighth of cream in it. Into it. Into it. Specifically. Not only that, but for some godforsaken reason. It only has an eighth of cream. One eighth of cream in it. Into it. Into it. Specifically. Not only that, but for some godforsaken reason. Sorry, I thought. I'm sorry.

Not only that, but for some godforsaken reason, the cream was inserted through the side of the donut. So every other bite was dry and barren of cream but the best part about that is they spelled barren of cream like b-a-r-o-n oh like the royal title so it's the barren of cream we know what's on her mind oh this donut this donut did not meet any of my expectations what so ever end of review oh my gosh episode two hotels in kansas city missouri this is a one-star review from annette went there for our 25th anniversary. As we were heading to the front desk, I noticed a plate of uncovered strawberries sitting on the floor. By the way, really quick.

On the floor? Really quick interjection. Every time I say strawberries, take a drink because you're going to have a really riot of an evening if you do so. Uh-oh. Ask about the room. They're at capacity, but gave us a breakfast coupon. He also explained that someone was on their way up to our room with our anniversary package. Okay.

Head to the room. Strawberries are still on the floor. Pout in my room for about 45 minutes. Oh, wait. Okay. Hold on. I need to figure this out so it took me a while to figure out so they walk into the lobby and there are strawberries on the floor they walk into their room so they're walking toward their room and they find strawberries a plate of strawberries outside of someone else's room oh and then they go inside their room and

find no no strawberries in their room. Am I mishearing? I, okay. I'm we're heading to the front desk. I assume from their hotel room, they notice a plate of uncovered strawberries on the floor in the hallway. So then the person at, and they're there for their anniversary, you know? Yeah. So then the person at the front desk says, oh, someone's going to come up with your like

anniversary special surprise soon right so she's like oh they got strawberries so she's like i better get strawberries it's the 25th that's a strawberry anniversary yes famously so um so she pouts okay pout in my room for about 45 minutes and decide to hit the pool head down to the pool. Head down to the pool. Strawberries haven't moved. My nose starts bleeding.

And I have my husband grab a pool towel as I didn't want to drip in the pool. Go to the front desk, give them my towel, letting them know I'd used it on my bloody nose. They gave it to the clerk at the front. What are they supposed to supposed to do I don't know that didn't even turn into an issue I thought that was gonna be that just yeah that just was part of the routine they just like carried through the lobby and here's my bloody towel yep my nose was bleeding while there I asked if we were supposed to get strawberries with our package as they hadn't brought any up with them he said he thought there was a mix-up but but he talked to the manager. On the way back to the room, the strawberries were still there.

This time, there was a piece of paper with them, so I decided to see what the paper said. So she reads this note, okay? It was a note thanking them for booking the anniversary package. Sit in the room a while, pretty disappointed. Finally, I decide to rinse the chlorine package. Sit in the room a while, pretty disappointed. Finally, I decide to rinse the chlorine off. Oh my gosh. And get dressed up for dinner.

As we pass, the strawberries are still sitting there. I stop by the desk to see what he found out. He apologized and said he would personally take them to our room at the time i let him know about the strawberries he thought i mentioned something because they were taunting us

okay this is going very differently than what i thought i thought it was going to be some sort of allergy thing where she's like oh no there's open strawberries i'm allergic that's good bloody nose made me like oh maybe she's like realizing she's allergic the bloody nose has nothing to do with anything i should that never comes back i'm going to learn but right now i'm going into these thinking that they're sensical and i don't know why you're gonna understand the plot yeah no there's no plot oh good he thought i mentioned something because they were taunting us. I said, no, I'm telling you because that's disgusting. What? And if they were mine, I'd be pissed because they were uncovered on the floor.

Which, I mean, to be fair, yeah, that's pretty nasty. I mean, I don't know the timeline, but this seems like a long time that they've been sitting there. She pouted for 45 minutes in the room alone. Oh, yeah, that's right. She gave us a timeline. He said, maybe the people didn't want them i told him about the note i read oh no and he said they were training a new person and he must have not understood where their strawberries were supposed to go i told him that we were going out and to put

our strawberries on our desk we came back later to find them covered on the desk. The strawberries were very good. That's the end of the review. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Was that a one-star review? Are you kidding me? Episode three. Car washes in Minneapolis, Minnesota. This is a review of Soapy Joe's Car Wash. Oh, I looked at that place. It was written by RS, and it was a one-star review, of course. And this is what RS has to say. Minnesota winters destroy the outsides of cars. Four-year-old kids with a $2 a day Cheez- it habit destroy the insides of cars.

Soapy Joe's is not the place, though, to help with either. Oh. If your business is, you know, washing cars, then for God's sake, have the ability to wash a car. Makes sense. If I go there, wait in line 15 minutes, only to find out that it will be another hour to have them clean my car, then maybe they shouldn't be in the car wash business. By the time you find out that it'll be forever for a full service wash, you're at the front of the line and you can't escape.

Oh my god. There's no turning back. So I get the cheapest wash, the one I don't need, and get the craptastic, fuck you, $6.99 version. The one where you drive it through and they pretend to dry your car. I can do better at my neighborhood BP. Yeah, this was rough. But like when you pay $6.99, then you're like, I could do better at my BP. Aren't the BP ones more than $6.99 anyway? But that's not all. Oh God, of course it's not.

You vacuum yourself. That's like going to a Starbucks and brewing your own coffee. No, it's not, but okay. It's disdainful of the customer. I don't think that's how that word works. I don't think so either. RS. $6.99.

You pay $6.99 and then you have to vacuum your car. That's pretty disdainful. I'm no free market expert. Oh, no way, R.S. You don't say. But if you want to wash cars, wash cars. I mean. That's basically what the free market boils down to. I don't know what they're.

They hit it right on the head. I say this every time, but I don't know what their logic is and i'm never gonna understand there's no plot i mean i'm just spitballing here but here are some options oh boy one hire more people two do things better three sell and get out of the business all together why didn't they think of that end of review. Do things better. Do things better. That's just rude.

RS needs to write a business management, like, Bible. Episode 4. Tech stores in Jacksonville, Florida. I found a review of Games Galore. What's that? It's like a video game. I assume they also have board games, but they definitely have video games. Sounds like one of those stores in the mall that closes after three months.

The board game stores. Like next to the Lego shop. I don't know. We know that Ariana here did not have a good experience there. But you're going to have to wait for it. There's a little bit of build up. And then she just hits you with...

The denouement. Don't use that. I don't know what that is, but don't use that. We don't want to alienate people. I just feel like Cheryl's review really dumbed me down. So, okay, go ahead. Okay. My boyfriend and I came here to do some window shopping and maybe get him a birthday gift. As soon as we walked in, no one greeted us, and I should have seen that as a sign. I hate when people, by the way, greet me at stores. Yeah.

Okay, go on. I mean, Walmart's known for that. Just go there. True. Finally, my boyfriend saw a Game Boy system he wanted. The guy behind the counter let him try it out with some batteries, and we were set to purchase it. Since the guy disappeared in the back room, my boyfriend asked the girl behind the counter about the Pokemon games they had. From the back, the guy yelled they had red and blue. He'd just need to change the battery. My boyfriend and I talked it out and then told the girl behind the counter we wanted the Game Boy and one of the Pokemon games.

She said, okay, and then just continued to sit there doing nothing. Finally, the guy came back out. We told him we wanted the Game Boy and the Pokemon game. His response? Yeah, I just had a battery explode in my face. I don't want to mess with that right now. Honestly, my boyfriend and I were stunned. now. Honestly, my boyfriend and I were stunned. We said we'd think about it and be back. But as soon as we left, we decided they'd never get our 70 plus dollars in sale or our business ever again. End of review. 70 plus dollars. 70 plus. Episode five, hair salons in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Five, hair salons in Ann Arbor, Michigan. So I found Savannah's one-star review of a Fantastic Sans in Ann Arbor.

You said that like I should know what a Fantastic Sans is. You've never heard of that? Yeah, it is a chain. Oh, I have no idea. It's like a Supercuts. Okay. Is that a chain? Great Clips. Maybe that's what I meant.

Supercuts? That sounds familiar. It's got to be a thing. Is that like a sporty version of Great Clips? Because I think that exists. Yeah. Sure. Let's what I meant. Supercuts? That sounds familiar. It's got to be a thing. Is that like a sporty version of grade clips? Because I think that exists. Yeah. Sure. Let's go with that.

They were so inappropriate in conversation. Talking about tics in private parts. Oh, no. Also overheard the manager talking about doing acid. This is not a good place to bring your kids. They also found a dead body what whoa okay this is juicy they all they also found a dead body behind the walmart next door not safe and they mess up your hair too savannah like while she was there there was a dead body out back of the walmart like

listen someone's on acid someone has ticks in their pubes and there's a dead body outside and apparently savannah brought her kids so this is a real roller coaster episode six pet stores in salt lake city utah um now this, I have one more of a place called Pets and Such. And actually, Blaze found this one for me. I did see that place. Yeah, they had a lot of reviews. This is from Daryl. Very unhappy.

Bought a corn snake from them. They put it in a... Where did they put it? Can I guess? Yeah. A paper bag. They put it in a very flimsy cardboard box. Close.

Okay. They put it in a very flimsy box to take it home. Being new to snakes, I trusted them and thought they knew what they were doing. My mistake. It escaped. Oh, no. End of review. That's it?

Yeah. So now there's a corn snake running. I don't know what that is i it's running for sure with all its little feet yeah episode seven bridal shops in houston texas i couldn't pass this one up what this was reviewed keep in mind this was one year ago horrible service ruined our wedding video that's something i want to talk about apparently this place also does more than just wedding dresses they do a lot of things i didn't know that was a thing including tax evasion but apparently this place is like a full service. Thank you. Yeah. Full service bridal spot. Recorded the wedding on VCR.

2018. Okay. I get it. Okay. Seriously. Wait. The videographers were drinking at our wedding and failed to record in an acceptable quality. Oh no.

Then when we asked for our money back, she said, I'll give you your money back, but your wedding files and videos are mine and gone. Oh! Forced us to keep the product. I'm so mad and disappointed. You would think that in this decade we would get high definition video, but no, she is stubborn and unprofessional. Look elsewhere for your wedding needs. And now I need to buy a Betamax. Isn't that insane? Look elsewhere for your wedding needs.

And now I need to buy a Betamax. Isn't that insane? Episode 8. Dentists in Denver, Colorado. I found a review from Tanya of Downing Street Dental. The doctor's personality is forest friendly with a dash of coldness. Have you ever been to Chicago? Have you felt the personality of chicago the doctor feels like chicago what manifested in human form

no that's not i have to admit as i was reading this i'm like is this in chicago like did i mess up but i realized that they were just using chicago as a bad personifying chicago as a awful human being this person's probably trying to write their next kindle edition self-published book and just practicing on yelp i've been a patient of downing dental before this doctor purchased the practice my husband left the practice after not a warm experience with this doctor. My first mistake is that I stayed on board. Weirdness started when I made my second mistake of candidly confessing to the doctor that I don't floss daily. I explained that with my current workload, flossing daily is not going to happen for a few years.

Okay, you're being dramatic, Tanya. What she says about flossing, this is just the beginning. Are you serious? I'm not kidding. Okay. Whoa, mistake. He looked somewhere between visibly annoyed and mad, as if this were a personal threat to his pride. I tried to ease his annoyance by explaining in cost-slash-benefit terms why the time cost of flossing was greater than the potential benefit of flossing.

Stop it. At least for this specific time in my career. Can we take a moment to discuss what this person possibly does as a career where it doesn't make sense for them to spend the time flossing? Maybe they're one of those before photo models for bad teeth. Wow, that was a good one. For and after models. That's probably the only way that this would make sense.

Literally the only way. His eyes glazed over. Rather than hearing me out, he continued only deeper and longer into the generic lecture on flossing. Tension. Dental hygienists went still. Patience went quiet. Stop it. Okay, this is like, enter, enter, tension.

Enter, enter, dental hygienists went still. Enter, enter. Like, she's writing this as if it's like some sort of fiction. The next great work of fiction. Yeah. I tried to lighten the air. Every attempt to lighten relations with a joke resulted in a cold, distant stare. He stopped looking me in the eye.

Then Downing Dental sent me a, how did we do, email. I wanted to clear the air and voice my concerns. My assumption was that he would reach out and try to neutralize my concerns. That follow-up phone call never happened. Fast forward to the next dental cleaning. The strained energy persisted. Oh my god. I'm not one to ignore the elephant in the room, so I brought it up in a jovial manner. Promise me I won't have to sit through another flossing lecture. Oh my god. How jovial is that? Fuck off, Tanya. That's not very nice. it's this person's job

like this is his literal career is to make your teeth nice and he's probably worried about his patients when they come in and they're not flossing like it's not like because it's not even that she's not flossing it says she clearly doesn't understand the basics of what flossing is or how it works yeah saying the cost benefit of analysis of flossing is too extreme, that for years she's not going to be able to floss, then there's clearly a misconception and he's trying to clear it up. Exactly. That's where it boils down to.

Literally there because they're a professional. Right. And you're just a bad teeth model. So, how would you know, Tanya? Tanya. Tanya. He froze and said, You know, you write me a bad review.

Write a review? I haven't written you a review. Turns out what I assumed was a request for feedback was a request for a review on a dentist site. Oh, no. My intention was to genuinely give feedback, not make him look bad in front of his peers. Oh no.

On top of all this, my teeth were well taken care of at Downing Dental. Oh no! What? My new dentist explained to me that the silver fillings in my mouth are synonymous with people on a low budget, or a government budget. Oh, that's... okay. They are, quote, old dentistry. What the heck? My new dentist recommended we upgrade them to white fillings.

Wow. Major cosmetic upgrade. That's the kind of attentiveness that didn't happen at Downing Dental. Lastly, when I asked my new dentist if he'd cast me away if I didn't floss every day, he laughed and said, most people don't floss every day. End of review. Episode 9. Waffle Houses in Atlanta, Georgia. So this is a one-star review from Maya, and this in a way is a challenge for you. What?

I want you to figure out what is going on here uh you know i can't really do that it's a one run-on sentence okay until i say dot dot dot okay okay okay got it i'm ready should i hold my breath the whole time no absolutely not you will you will not make it through this episode this waffle house on fulton Industrial was terrible. They had a security guard there. I was just paying customer. I went to the restroom. I was in there for about one minute, and somebody literally banged on the door.

Well, I did my business, and I came out, and I explained to the security guard how someone banged on the door. He also had came to the door after it had been gone. Well, he's telling me I cannot come back in there, bring my food outside to me. And I said, you know, I'm coming in. I have to put condiments on my food. And he put his hands on me, not once, not twice, but three times. I informed him he was in violation of my constitutional right. Please do not put his hands on me any longer. And he can sell this one is a little dope boys and

ask him why is she not listening to me i said oh what is he your boss man do you report to him or something well anyways he threatened to call the police i said that's fine if you call the police i don't mind because i work very close with the police and i'm very close i'm sure maya that you work very close with the police. I'm glad you interrupted. I needed a breath there. Oh, my goodness. We're like halfway through. I hope you're not a police transcriber because that would probably not be the right job for you.

Okay, hold on. Okay, hold on. Where was I? Whew. I said, that's fine if you call the police. I don't mind because I work very close with the police and I'm very close and speak to the police and talk to them very often so i don't bet she calls on a fucking daily basis is probably what happens every time someone rings her doorbell so i don't mind if you call the police it's not like they're going to take me to jail or anything but aside from that

i had to actually brush by him to get my food and put the condiments on my food where he proceeded to call the police while i did that then they forgot to give me my drink and I said I needed to my drink before I left. They gave me my drink, but I felt like they were very rude to me and I did not enjoy my experience whatsoever. The security guard was extremely and he was clicking up and making friends with the dope boys. And I also asked him for his name and the company he worked for, and he would not give it to me. So dot, dot dot dot dot looks like i'm going to have to call their corporate office on this one end of review i would pay such good money to hear that phone conversation i know like i have a headache they would need to hopefully they do record their call so they can just play it through and try to figure

it out because that was wild i that was a roller coaster and a roller coaster that might not have been going up and down because I don't know what was going on. It was just going. A roller coaster that was just crashing into the ground very quickly. Episode 10. Museums in Boise, Idaho. You guys, we did

a thing where we accidentally found the same review. Yeah. Because we got a little overeager. Well, yeah, this is a one-star review from robert why don't you begin free but rude employees rude inconsiderate person behind the desk waste of time mr or miss don't touch anything person we didn't touch anything in the building but the person yelled at us and we said okay then. Then the person said, don't you understand English? Wow, not reasonable at all.

Sad, angry people in there. I guess gold fever turned into gold brain damage. Episode 11. Strip clubs in las vegas nevada well i do have a redemption so just for chippendales um this is a five-star review um written by christine yeah you and it goes actually though this is probably you i would give this place six stars if i could i celebrated my bachelorette with a group of friends and family in vegas And my aunt-in-law, Lisa Lampanelli, was

kind enough to set up an evening for us at Chippendales. We were greeted backstage by the dancers. I was pretty... I love it.

I love it. Okay. I was... I was particularly fond of an ex-Mormon man named Ryan, who looked really good in his bow tie.

Perhaps the most harrowing event of the evening was when I was called up on stage for the Fifty Shades of Grey sequence. I was blindfolded and strapped to a wall backstage. Now, I know this sounds startling, but I'm here to tell you that the Chippendales men were so kind, gentle, and professional. They talked me through everything as they did it and told me to say something the second I felt uncomfortable. And I felt uncomfortable.

And I was uncomfortable. But only when I remembered that my mom Renata was in the audience. Though she later told me this was the best night of her life, so I guess we're in the clear. Anyway, four dancers strapped me to a wall blindfolded and proceeded to perform a raunchy 50 Shades sequence on me. Although it looked like they were grabbing me, and even choking me at one point, they didn't actually touch me, and talked me through everything, so I wouldn't feel uncomfortable. I finally get why it's called a Gentleman's Club. I'm so sorry about this. All in all, our Chippendales experience was a 5-star kickoff to a 5-star Vegas weekend.

P.S. My brother Alex got a lap dance from Matt. Lucky. It was much more than a lap dance. My head was thrust, my face was thrust into him. Not even the other way around. Episode 12. Liquor stores in Louisville, Kentucky. This is from Nick. It is a review of Expressway Liquors.

One star. This place is a joke. I attempted to buy liquor here at an hour at which they were apparently closed, but the open sign was lit and on in the front and side windows. Either the staff is too incompetent to turn off a sign, or they intentionally want to deceive their customers. One or the other. Either way, they are absolutely unqualified to operate in the customer service industry,

and it is surprising that they are even able to run a solvent business with their apparent lack of consideration for their customers and their abundance of ineptitude. What? Could you imagine living your life like Nick and being so perfect? This is the most perfect human I've ever heard from. I wish these business owners great luck in their imminent future in the mental asylum. Oh. And or prison. Whoa! One more sentence.

Clearly, humans as dysfunctional as these will not be able to survive for a very long time in modern civilized society. End of review. Nick is one of my least favorite people. It's literally because they left a sign, a light, an open sign. We, no.

Do not be intentionally misleading. Two signs, front and side. In capital letters. They probably did see him and they're like, not Nick again. Lock the fucking doors. Episode 13. Comic book stores in New York, New York. Okay, so this is a one-star review of Desert Island Comics.

Okay. I went in here to sell the new issue of my zine. Oh my god. And we are in 1992. I knew you'd like that, but we are just getting started. I'm already crying. Holy shit. Apparently that's a thing.

Like, I didn't know. Like, this guy brought his zine into the shop to get it, like, put it on their rack so they could sell it. Cool. I mean, sure. Why not? But look what happened. We put this fucking radio show on YouTube and people seem to like it so yeah can't judge listen do whatever the hell you want yeah i showed it to the proprietor who recoiled and bluntly snapped i'm not taking it i'm not so

fragile that i'm going to write a bad review of this shop because i wouldn't stock my zine however i will give it a bad review on the score of lousy salesmanship. The proprietor made a right poor fist of speaking to me with any degree of courtesy or humanity. This is presumably his vaunted laid back customer service celebrated by other reviewers. Oh dear. No matter. I was leaving when the proprietor testily goes, what, you're mad? He apparently wanted to engage me in a stiff exchange. He kept insisting that I was upset and furious. I thought that was funny. Not only was he not going to take my zine, he wanted to additionally waste my time debating it and insult me a while yet. Perhaps he was annoyed because I didn't go into

his shop to spend money on his full price fare. This strange cat kept stressing to me that he was quote, many years a bookseller. Peculiar thing to boast about. He clearly didn't know whether to be a businessman or a patron of the arts though, because next, he claimed that, quote, nobody is a greater supporter of self-publishing than I am. Here I balked. I can think of at least one person who is a greater supporter, demonstrably. Is it him? No, it's actually the buyer at Academy Records who took four copies of my zine. I thought it was going to be himself. Me too. Me too when I was reading it. I thought it was going to be himself. Me too.

Oh my god. Me too when I was reading it. Yes, mate, I thought. Oh shit, why did I drink wine? Can I try spelling this for you? Please. Okay. Yes is spelled Y-E hyphen E-S-S-S-S-S. So I didn't know how to say it, but now everyone can have that in their mind.

I gotta read this zine. Yes, mate. I gotta read this fucking their mind. I gotta read this zine. Yes, mate. I gotta read this fucking zine. I gotta, I gotta. Nobody's a greater friend to the small presses and the freedom of speech, as long as that publication strictly conforms to a conventional and well-established size and shape. I say nothing about the shop and its gaily colored contents, mostly because it is like a Park Slope version of a comic shop. Which is to say, not really a comic shop at all. It's more like

the gift shop at an art gallery, with the same prices. For comics, I go to Rogers Time Machine, and if I want Fantagraphics, Drawn and Quarterly, or the high end of the self-publishing spectrum, like another reviewer said, I can get them elsewhere. This is New York after all. The quote laid back proprietor clearly likes the sound of his voice. I alas do not. Oh my God. End of review. But that's just the beginning. What? Because. No. The owner responded. Oh boy. And that response is since since deleted my blood pressure is so high right now i need a moment well just you this review this response to the owner's response i wish we had the owner's response because it must have been beautiful still one star mostly thanks to the

recent petulant little remark from the proprietor i'm'm sorry. Still one star, mostly thanks to the recent petulant little remark from the proprietor, that green grocer, that bourgeois. What? It took you nearly two months to come up with that?

It took me only four hours in my basement to come up with my To call you bourgeois. Yelp review. You petty little green grocer. And by quote verbose, I assume you mean I don't trade exclusively in monosyllables. Alexander, I really, really don't like this person.

When you wrote that Obama-esque little note a while back offering to buy me a beer, I thought that was at least magnanimous. Whoops, four syllables. Sorry. Sorry. But now you're back at your wanted best. Wanted spelled with an O, which I assume is a word. It's true.

But I just don't know. Habitual. Usual is what that means. You googled it? Yes. Just now? Yeah. That was fast.

Thank you. Blundering. Entitled. In a word, Williamsburg. Shots fired. Oh my gosh. And then they quoted the manager that when they had asked to buy them a beer

and was like, what can I do to make it right? Such an Obama, am I right? Yeah, I know. And then he said, what happened? Where did it go wrong? Let me restate my opinion since you so graciously stuck your chin out. Your shop is like a glorified outpost of urban outfitters. Nice, expensive, colorful, and routinely superfluous doodads for the wealthy. Our proprietor despises fanboys, wishes he were Gary Groth. But that... That's not Gary. What is happening?

But has all the traits of one himself. The blazing egotism and that crucial narrow perspective. And, apparently from his last, a hatred of the language. Stick with the picture books, then. Better still, stick your picture books. What? I quit. End of review.

I quit. I'm out. I'm done. Too far. Do you want a little bit more from this person? This was a bookstore. I mean, no, I don't. But you do.

I fucking don't but you do i fucking don't this is a one star review of a bookstore called skyline books nyc by the same person oh yeah oh for god's sakes if i say it myself i have frequented and over frequented bookshops in the last 20 years fucking shocker on sundry continents henley on tamesames. Thames? Shit. See? Oh my gosh, this guy would rip into me. You're such a monosyllabic fool. Greengrocer. Monosyllabic greengrocer. Oh, it's so bad. Wallingford. Reading. Oxford. London. Canterbury. Sorry, is this guy literally bragging about the cities he's been to. Yeah, there are a few more. Well, and then the last one is California. So, I have little to impart from this experience,

except perhaps that most booksellers are mad and thwarted. What a piece of shit. So here's some from the middle. This little fellow is decidedly funny peculiar. He sits there morosely amid the ruins of his shop, seemingly wishing that this world of appearances would vanish and be gone from him, leaving him in the realm of pure introspection. Thought. He swears that the world of appearances is the devil's.

Is that Zoroastrianism? No. Is that? Is that not how you say it? Shit. No, I'm saying no, it's not Zoroastrianism. Wait, is there an R in there? Zoroastrianism?

Okay, because they didn't include it. We got him. We got him. We got him. We got him. Take him down. Fellows. Little fellows, take him down.

A little peculiar. Little peculiar greengrocers, take him down. Is it Neoplatonism? Be that as it may, if he wants quiet and solitude, he should of course not sit in the middle of a bookshop. Yet this he does, all the live long day. I thought I was done laughing, but nope. You got me. This is just insane.

It goes on, but then... Tell me when it's over. This is the last part. Okay. So my little man and I had completed our exchange, and he fiercely returned to his magnum opus on the screen before him. As I turned on my heel, I remarked ironically, I beg your pardon? For a moment, I was under the mad impression that you worked here. I do work here, he grunted. No, I replied. You certainly don't.

End of review. I figured it out. Tell me, what is it out that was his fucking zine oh oh my god that was a zine oh my god and we just fucking bought into it there were so many one-star reviews and i bet they're all part of his zine it's the it's called beach too sandy water too wet zine oh my god zine rio astronaut xenon the sequel oh shoot that's taken he reminds me that simpsons character the comic book guy yeah yeah i feel like he just sits around and like shits on everyone yes exactly but i think has redeeming qualities but this guy walks around in a top hat though like for sure in a top hat yeah yeah i just want to read the zine though

i know that was actually from 2011 by the way so who knows what happened since then maybe it's someone who's extremely successful now and will ruin us for this kevin spacey is that you sorry that was literally the first person i thought of wow when i say extremely famous you you think Kevin Spacey. Well, I thought of someone who had a fall from grace. Oh, yeah. Episode 14, Libraries in Los Angeles, California. Cool. So I also went a little different for this last one.

I found reviews of the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library. Oh, I've been there. You have with Francisca. Yeah. Okay, so this is a one-star review by Irma. We visited Ronald Reagan Museum. Spelled wrong. It had a lot to cover, not enough time.

The airplane pictures were too overpriced. Wasn't asked if you'd like your picture taken. Cost of purchase was high. Food huge. Wait, food was huge? Yeah, I think so. Okay. Cost of purchase was high.

Food huge. Someone was high. Am I right? Irma. Irma. Whatever you're smoking. Ronald Reagan would not approve. Nancy Reagan wouldn't either.

That funny little cigarette you had outside. Well, speaking of, I was going to say speak of the devil, and then I was like, maybe inappropriate in this context. It was Nancy Reagan's 90th birthday. This is so ridiculous. It was Nancy Reagan's 90th birthday. But no offer to customers, not even a piece of birthday cake. How rude. Okay, no, that's insane.

Your prices are high. Titanic everything was crushed in and we were harried out. I rented hearing phone lousy. I don't know. That was a lot for me to process. I want a fee fund. Oh, no. I want a fee fund.

I want a fee fund. I want a fee fund. Oxnard, California. End of review. They put Oxnard, California. End of review. Oh, they put Oxnard in there? Yeah. Oh, God, I am sweating. That was cool, I think.

Episode 15. Record stores in Indianapolis, Indiana. This first one is from someone whose name I won't try to pronounce. Oh, okay. It is a one-star review. Tonight, I went to Karma in hopes of purchasing a septum ring. It does sound like a crystal shop in LA if you're thinking about it. I went to Karma tonight to buy a septum ring.

Sounds like the most silver-like. I immediately prepared it. I'm going to use it without finishing it. Yeah, it doesn't even matter what happens next. Okay, sorry. Go on. I know. This is my fault for the most part.

But I was disappointed by the lack of communication and effort to try to resolve the issue. I quickly found one I liked and had it put on hold while I looked around. I thought they were going to say, had it put on my nose. I was like, no. Excuse me, can you please help me put this on? Gross. Well, once I got to my car, I quickly tried it on, only to realize the metal was made off-set. You couldn't even really tell looking at it on its own.

It was a flaw you would really only notice once it was on. When I went back in to try to explain, asked if it was final sale, they said yes and would not do anything since I had tried it on, which I understand. But I work in retail. I know the store would have taken maybe a $4 loss by replacing it. They never even asked to look at the ring, and I ended up tossing

it in their trash. Why would anyone want to look at the ring? It was just in your nose. Like, you literally just said, oh, I put this septum ring on. You stuck it into my nostrils. Here it is. Why don't you take a look? It's only $4. Also, you have to look really, really closely because you can't tell from afar. Put it real close up.

Lean in a little. And then she just snaps it on him. Stick it in your nose. He's like, ah, see? See what I mean? Anyway. Anyway. I never expected my money back.

Simply a replacement of the same or lesser value. I will not be returning for any more jewelry or anything else for that matter. Bad customer service. What? I know. Episode 16. Hardware stores in Nashville, Tennessee. So this is a review of the Home Depot in South Nashville by Dean.

Okay. Thank you, Dean. It is a review of The Home Depot in South Nashville by Dean. Okay. Thank you, Dean. It is a four-star review. However. Oh, that seemed interesting. Yeah. Here's the twist. Tell me.

Well, Dean will tell you, actually. Okay, please. Good store. Very knowledgeable staff. Patrick in kitchens is great. And so is Tom the plumber. Okay. Warning!

This place sounds perfect so far. What could possibly go wrong? Do not eat the hot dogs from the hot dog vendor. I got really sick the last time I did. Then I decided to give them one more try. Figuring that it must have just been a bad batch. Or whatever. I mentioned it to the proprietor and he told me that he'd rather not even sell me anything.

Total asshole. Wait, wait, wait. The hot dog proprietor. No, I think it's the Home Depot proprietor. He's like, oh, your hot dogs made me sick. The hot dog you sold me made me sick. And then I think the guy said, I'd rather not sell you anything. Which I don't think that's actually.

Wait, the Home Depot is selling hot dogs? Outside. You know how they sell outside? No. Home Depot sells hot dogs? Yes. What? This is blowing my mind to me i'm like this is no wonder i'm the only person in this house who like puts together furniture uh at home depot like if you go at least here in la if you go they sell food like hot dogs outside like a what legally yes they're like vendors. But, okay, but like... Kind of like a Costco.

Oh, but they are affiliated with Home Depot? I don't think so. Oh, so that's very different. It's a vendor. It's like Costco in that it's a hot dog outside, but I think it's... Some Costco sell them inside. That is valid. However, in LA they're outside, and I think the same with Home Depot. I don't know. I've bought hot dogs at Home Depot. Okay, but it's not like a Home Depot brand hot dog. No, I believe it's a separate vendor, as far as I know. So, the proprietor, actually, you know what? Now that you mention it, probably was a proprietor of the hot dog stand.

That's what I was thinking. I was confused. You're probably right. But it is on the property. Like, they are outside the door of the Home Depot, to clarify for you. Yes, okay. He told me he'd rather not even sell me anything. Total asshole. Unfortunately, the hot dog stand doesn't have a Yelp site yet. If they did, they would get less than one star from me. Well, technically, they already have.

I know! Because they haven't gotten any. Because they got zero! Oh my lordy. And the poor Home Depot has to deal with it. Anyway. But hey, I actually respect that guy for giving Home Depot a four at least. Oh wait, that's true.

He did give it a four. Yeah. He just gave the one off for the hot dogs. Episode 17. Hospitals in Boston, Massachusetts. Now I also have another review of Mass General Hospital. And it is a one star review by John. This is my last one.

This is wild, by the way. This hospital sucks and so do its employees. After being assaulted and brought in by ambulance bleeding, I would never recommend this hospital to my ex-wife. Anyway. Wow. I asked for a glass of water and was restrained and held down and drugged against my will. You know what?

This went exactly like it sounds. I'm sure. There's definitely no head injury involved here whatsoever. No. Oh. You need to learn how to bleep out on your thing. Oh, and Nurse Jackie, that was... What do you mean bleep that out okay oh wait

okay okay okay let me explain you thought i was talking about the tv show nurse i was gonna were you gonna ask me to bleep out the jackie no the c word okay see that's what i thought was you meant for someone's name oh so you said nurse jack, and then I kind of started to say, why would I bleep that out? It's a TV show everyone loves. And then I realized what you said afterwards, and I was like, oh. And then I looked you in the eye and screamed, Stop.

Okay. Oh, and Nurse Jackie, that was way too eager to cut my expensive shirt off on her power trip. Oh, this sounds like a a freaking patient and gray's anatomy i think he was watching nurse jackie actually on tv oh yeah truly isn't she on drugs that's the whole point of the show right yeah i haven't watched like the first two episodes but yeah that's the entire point of the entire show right okay f that place and it's shit staff did they really say f instead of writing out fuck yeah but they also wrote with this c hashtag what's that called c number sign

pound sign whatever c pound sign percentage sign octothorpe all right are you done yes c that's all the words i have for it. Octothorpe percentage T. Oh. But then F that place, right? And it's capital S. But how did they spell the C word? C. Octothorpe percentage T.

Really? Are you just trying to make me say it again? No, really? Yeah. Okay. I thought they wrote that out and refused to write out the other ones. No, no. That's why I was like, this freaking guy. Oh, the other ones no no yeah they wrote it with

special symbols freaking guy oh no sorry yeah he wrote it with special symbols okay at least so so it's all okay that means it's all okay right could decode them you don't know that he could be saying that christ that christ-like figure who ripped my shirt off yeah he was into it uh-huh that club wait that's in a t right yeah oh that's cyst oh that's probably actually ruder than exactly no that's not continue okay that's it. Oh, finish. Okay. Fiend. Wow. Episode 18. Comedy clubs in Hartford, Connecticut.

Okay, cool. So then this is of Palace Theater in Manchester, New Hampshire by Janice. One star. Last night, October 20th, 2016. A day that will live in infamy. Love how they're so specific. Very. Last night, October 20th, 2016, I was invited to a pre-show of The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.

Do you know what that is? No, I do not. Okay, I looked it up. I'm saving my reaction. It's a comedy musical from the 80s. Okay. Sort of like a country comedy musical type thing. Right up my alley.

Like a little raunchy, I think. Well, you'll see. You think? Perverted with a P. Oh, yeah. I was hesitant to attend a show with that title, but was assured that The palace only allows shows that are in good taste i also looked up the description of the show which really downplayed what was going to happen the show for me was utterly disgusting mean not enough full nudity that's a good point

that's a good point now who's perverted with a capital p too much partial nudity bad language using god's name in vain. Despicable content and a story that was deplorable. I hated it. And I never used the word hate. I highly doubt that. If I had my own car. What a bizarre thing to mention. Okay, I guess I don't know what's coming next but that shouldn't come up in your review if i had my own car i would have left after the first scene how'd they get oh they went with friends i guess okay take a lift it was two years ago filthy lewd perverted management should be ashamed for running this kind of show. End of review. Oh my gosh. That, you know, management, like, of all the types of reviews,

that's the last one management's really going to care about. I mean, I think. Yeah. Oh, yeah. They don't want Janice to be at the show. Exactly. They don't want people like that going to their shows. People without cars, is that what you're saying? Yeah. Yep.

Episode 19. Coffee shops in seattle washington we're gonna end on some higher notes here please this is a review of street bean coffee by jareth just get ready to love jareth one star my girlfriend spoke so highly of this place. Sorry, babe. I have to disagree. I came here one time and as a master reader of micro expressions with an associate. What is wrong with you, Seattle? Okay. As a master reader of micro expressions with an associate's degree in performance theater, it wasn't hard to miss the attitude of the barista.

Her stature was not one of customer relations, but was carried with negativity. She did not have the genuine smile baristas are famous for. What? I don't know. She may have coffee knowledge, but what use is that without appropriate service? Not a fan. Very unimpressed. What use is that?

I mean, like, fuck. Sorry, babe. Yeah, okay. Does he expect his girlfriend to read his Yelp review and find out that he doesn't like this place based on that? Or will he communicate that to her beforehand? No, but he expects all of his readers to know that he has a girlfriend. Oh, that's what it is. And an associate's degree.

Yeah. And, um... I don't want to hear it. I know what you're about to say, but I don't want to hear it. He's a master reader of micro-expressions. No! I said no! Episode 20.

Nostalgia in Los Angeles, California. Now I have the final... Oh, man. This is just incredible. The denouement. The denouement. Oh, you got me to say it in the 20th episode. Finally! This is an extravaganza.

This is a review of the Pet Rush Inn in Burbank, California. This is Gio's daycare. It is. Gio loves it here. Yeah, this is a review from... Is it one star? It's a five star from Christine. Alexander, you cannot do this to me.

You cannot do this to me. Are you kidding me right now? I'm going to die. I'm so embarrassed. Alexander. I know. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh,. I'm so embarrassed. I don't see any. I know. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no. I don't know what I wrote. My pup is extremely anxious, and I've always had trouble bringing him to daycare. Not anymore. No joke. He waits by the door every morning while I get ready for work and runs straight to the back when we get there.

He loves all the employees. I've never seen him so friendly with people I don't know. I can't say enough about how kind and caring all the employees are and how much care they take of their pups. It's gotten to the point where I feel guilty when I have the day off and he doesn't get to go into daycare. End of review. I'm sweating. Episode 21 Elementary Schools in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Okay so the next review is a one star of Oakland Catholic High School This sounds so good One star I got beat up by a man named Jared with big pants

End of review I got beat up by a man named Jared with big pants. End of review. Episode 22. Beaches in Honolulu, Hawaii. I don't know if you heard me yelling downstairs, but... I did. I heard a yelp. Like, literally a... Like a guffaw yelp.

Yeah. A yelp-induced yelp. A yelp-induced yelp. I found the most important person on Yelp. Oh my God. The most insane and the most important person that we've ever found. I was like, oh, what is this like Bill Gates writing a review? No.

Please. No, I mean legitimately important. Okay. This is foodie news one. Uh oh. It all started. Okay. With this Waikiki review that i discovered and then i went into a deep dive rabbit hole um apparently you can write like a little log line like a little bio on your yelp profile to describe what your intentions are oh god does that mean what your intentions intentions are? My Yelp intentions.

Foodie News' profile says, quote, Secrets to, parenthesis, space, affordable, end parenthesis, millionaire dining. Secrets to affordable millionaire dining. So that's Foodie News' intentions on Yelp. millionaire dining so that's foodie news's intentions on yelp foodie news reviews a lot of restaurants that are definitely in line with millionaire dining such as applebee's cheesecake factory uh pf chang's pf chang's i love me some pf chang's mcdonald's all the top spots so i just want to read can I just read a couple I know that they just spend a million dollars at each and they're like oh eating like a millionaire it's affordable

at Applebee's I'm just gonna read a couple I know they're not beaches but I just I can't lay them on me I can't read this by myself and not force it upon everyone else so this is uh his review of Applebee's one star. Oh, by the way, Applebee's, he abbreviates ABZ. Like everywhere, every single word. It's like an airport code. I started counting them and it was like at least 20. So I just stopped.

But ABZ. ABZ new combo is five star, but one of the servers tonight are totally busted. Right in front of me as I walk in, she tells someone she hates me and she doesn't want to serve me. Right in front of me, she says this. Two years ago, I complained about her and even today she holds a grudge. Another time I heard her say, I'm awful. All this is funny because at least five other servers there love me. It shocks me that the managers still employee this person. Maybe that's why this place has like,

what, a two or three star rating? It's a very hostile environment. Six spaces. Again, the funny thing is this. All the other servers are cool. Even the ones where over the past eight years I've had to help them become better. This is so delusional. He lists them later, so I'm not going to read that review, but there is a list that he posts. Of these people? Yes, of their names. Are you shitting me?

No. Even the people of the past eight years that I've had to help become better have all come on board with me. And now they are great. Except for this one person. End of review. The last holdout. The last holdout. The last person to be like, no, this guy's crazy.

Stop. Stay strong. Please, for the love of God, stay strong. I think her name was Jen. So, Jen. Stay strong, Jen. We the love of God, stay strong. I think her name was Jen. So, Jen. Stay strong, Jen. We appreciate you. We appreciate you. So, now there's...

I did want to read one more five-star review of Apple's... Of Applebee's, sorry. Of ABZ. Of ABZ, thank you. So, that was a one-star and now there's a five-star. Like, he'll go back and forth depending on how he... Is this the same ABZ? Yes.

Oh, my God. I know, there's many and he'll just go through and change the ring depending on what kind of day he had there so five star review of abz same location more secrets dot dot dot dot dot first about servers here are my top three. Tall Beth. Please tell me there's no short Beth. It's just Tall Beth. Tall Beth.

Handlebar mustache Robbie. Just rolls off the tongue Handlebar Mustache Robbie And Rockin' Tiffany Ooh, I want to get to know Tiffany That's R-O-C-K-N You'll see them all walking fast What? What?

Well, with tall Beths long legs of course and robbie's uh ergonomic aerodynamic handlebar mustache what are you doing with this handlebar mustache oh my god you'll see them all walking fast. Anything you ask for, it's there. Bam! Bam! They make me feel like I'm Mr. Apple. Oh my gosh.

End of review. Honestly, if this were just some random, older person something review i think this is adorable oh i know exactly that's what's so sad about this such promise it does um okay so then i have one last one this is of a lazy dog cafe which is obviously abbreviated as ldc yeah um and so he has a long-standing feud with ldc regarding their calamari. And it's not even a joke. Like, it's incredibly strenuous and fraught. Specifically the calamari. Specifically the calamari.

Okay. So I'm just going to give one. So he had many updated reviews regarding the calamari. And I'm just going to read one that I thought kind of summed it up. And then that's it. Okay. Here we go. Mega thin calamari should be outlawed. To the tune of, where oh where has my little dog gone?

Oh no. Oh, I'm sorry. I can't wait for this. You have to. I'm ready. I'm sorry. I can't wait for this. You have to. I'm ready. I'm ready. Oh, where, oh, where has my calamari gone? Oh, where, oh, where can he be?

With his ears cut short wait they didn't even change the lyrics except for calamari he changes it eventually have they seen a squid before with his ears cut short and his tail pounded long oh there it is he's as thin as a leaf on a tree i don't know how to do this next verse i love how the the ears part is just in there his ears cut short i can't don't know anything about that like squids have ears, right? I last saw him at Lazy Dog Cafe Breaded with fat running around But I just can't see him there anymore He just can't seem to be found

Perhaps the man over there will know He may have seen him go by Who knows where he might have decided to go but i know he's in the deep fry why oh why does lazy dog don't care but their calamari is thin as a hair the breading is that of 95 percent fat and they could give a rat's ass it's not fair and that's not the end of the movie that's the end of the song i'm so glad i let you just take that because that was impressive honestly did you practice that did you guys know that i'm the most tone deaf person you do now it doesn't matter because you you actually fit all the words into

the tune like i've made no sense like obviously you you did you did accidentally catch earlier when my spotify started playing and it was a children's nursery rhyme yeah i was like what the hell is she listening to um stay tuned because i will be back i have bookmarked mr apple oh that's what i call him sorry um mr abz yeah or what is it yeah abz i uh i have yes i have bookmarked thank goodness i can't wait so that was god that was a bad rabbit hole that hurt i'm glad we've unearthed it yes but at the same time it was awful that physically was very painful, yes. Episode 23. Toy stores in Chicago, Illinois. Okay.

All right. This is a four-star review. My name is Silas. I'm using my son's account. I came here several years ago when I was working in a block away, and the cashier Amanda was cool, free spirited and helped me a lot. However, I moved and haven't seen her when I came here first time in years. So I'd like to ask the owner, does she still work here? Oh no. And could I get

her contact information? I'd like to invite her for my neighbor's reunion party. What? Yeah. party. Oh my god. End of review. What? Yeah. They used their son's account to try to get the contact information for Amanda. Amanda?

A cashier that they saw years ago. Alex Zinner, Amanda had to go into witness protection because this dumb Silas guy keeps stalking her. Well, the owner just gave the phone number right over. Wait. No, I'm just kidding. Oh my god. I was like, I need to call the police immediately i'm gonna read the response wait there was yeah okay hi silas thank you for taking time out of your day to rate our

location and ruin your son's google account right can you imagine you don't even know and you go on and you're like dad yeah or like you you see this notification in your email, like a business has responded to your review. And you're like, click it. Sex Pleasure Palace. Geppetto Sex Dungeon has responded to your review. Oh, God. Okay, sorry. Wait, you just revealed the title for our next video.

Oh, yeah. Geppetto Sex Dungeon. TM, TM, TM. Okay. Thank you for taking time out of your day to rate our location on Lawrence Avenue. We cannot and will not give out clerk information. Thank you. Sorry that we couldn't be of more help.

I think that's like... The most diplomatic way to be like... The best way to do it. And like that sorry was the least sorry sorry I've ever heard. Yes, he meant none of that. I'm so glad that they responded that way. Silas, you are such a creep, Silas. That is so creepy.

I like how you think like oh my neighbor's having a reunion party and then you're like hmm who should i invite episode 24 post offices in washington dc i've got one more for you from megan megan the worst bunch of people work at this location like seriously they are rude and act like i should be privileged to have them there come on usps you can hire better people a word of serious advice you don't like your job quit don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you end of review megan's the kind of person who's like step aside i'll show you how this is done yeah i'd try to jump behind the counter and like look all you do is give out stamps

episode 25 dmvs in phoenix arizona okay this is from Rebecca, and Rebecca's photo has a unicorn shitting a rainbow. So in case you were wondering. I was. Oh, fittingly, the first word of this review. One star, by the way. Shitting. Gross! Oh.

Shitting would be funnier, though. I'll rewrite it. I'll rework it. I'll table it for later gross that's all i can think of when i relive my disturbing experience i had in that twilight zone showed up on friday around 11 didn't leave until 2 i sat there for three hours to be poorly treated by their poorly trained sloppy staff the employees at dmv know they are in the power of your time but that's all they have power of for the most part

i'm picturing that this person is like a little witch yes they they with a stew and they're they they have power over time and they know it like that's so dramatic i don't think they give a shit about your time. They probably want the time to go quicker, just like you do. Exactly. They can enjoy their short-lived power until they step back into the real world. What are they talking about? Do they see us in some fantasy land where...

Twilight Zone. Oh, I love the Twilight Zone. It gets worse. I dealt with a big, heavy-set woman today, whose full name I'll keep out of this letter, parentheses, C, star, star, star, star, star. Because I don't want my post deleted. This broad had the audacity to tell some off-the-wall stuff

that wasn't relevant to my issue. BC, she was too concerned on when she was going to chow down her McDonald's french fries and cookies, not that she needed them. Oh my god. Yikes. I hate when people are complaining about rude people and bad customer service, and then they throw that shit in there. I guarantee you, that woman who works at the DMV said nothing close to that to you.

And it has nothing to do with whatever the fuck she's eating like god damn anyway one last paragraph basically this establishment is dirty unprofessional overcrowded unhelpful dirty dirty and dirty they should close this place down and throw the majority of their staff to the curb shout out to rosa who was helpful enough. Poor Rosa's like, wait, no, I don't want to be aligned with this person. Yeah, helpful enough, but obviously not enough. But not enough. Not enough said.

Enough said. Lil Short Manager Dude, who's chummy with the two heavyweights, needs to give up his Napoleon complex and man up. End of review. Oh, I hate this person. And then at the bottom, Yelp is like, was this review cool? No, not really. Episode 26. Parks in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Okay. So here's a five-star review from Matthew. Okay. What's it of? Humboldt Park. Oh, okay. I saw that. Cookie and I simply love walking poopy through the park.

I know for a few. This sounds like a weird web series I wrote five years ago. Right? This sounds like Schitt's Creek, like fan fiction. So what really caught my eye were the names of course cookie and poopy and i thought hopefully one of them is a dog oh god i hopefully both because okay i guess cookie is not that bad of a name i that's actually kind of cute name you and cook you were walking the dog it was also a dog that would be very alarming true true okay never mind you and i were i'm very glad that hope that poopy is the only dog but i hope poopy is the wife i saw that and i'm like i need some more poopy reviews

so i went to their profile turns out i think it was a typo because um stop it no well maybe because maybe this is also a typo but here's one of rover west dog park in milwaukee five stars great place for poochie to run and play everyone's stellar about cleaning up after their mutts chased poochie all over the park in the dark and never got a speck of doo-doo on my boots props to the dog owning population of river west end of review oh my yeah goodness and i figured out also that cookie was most likely not a dog because oh there was actually coochie should i read this uh next review as if it were coochie?

No, please, God, no. A review of the Noble. What's that? I believe it's a restaurant. Oh. Five-star review. On the odd Monday when we're both off work, Cookie and I love brunching at the Noble. Servers are cordial and attentive, even while we're waiting for a table.

And the food? Nothing short of world class. End of review. Cookie is not a real person. It's a made-up person. You think? What if it's just a cookie? Oh my god. Oh my god. What if it's a cookie? You never know. Can you imagine this guy running through the park with a cookie, chasing his dog? Yes. I would love that.

In the dark? As long as they don't get any doo-doo on their boots. Yeah, so that's the world of Matthew, Cookie, and I'm going to say Poopy. I'm going to close the door on that world and lock it tight and throw away the key, please. Poopy, Coochie, and Matthew. Episode 27. Ghost tours in New Orleans, Louisiana. Okay.

This is Greg's review. So here's the thing. Greg's review is an updated review. And I don't have... I looked everywhere for the original. Yeah, they just, like, removed it. And rewrote it. Yeah.

But from this, using context clues from his updated review and then a response from sydney we learn what happened we unpack we unpack unpack the situation yes exactly so i'm gonna read greg's first and then i'll read sydney's response please do updating to half of a half star that's a new one i think i like that updating to half of a half star. That's a new one, I think. I like that. Updating to half of a half star due to Sydney's professional response to show the overall model they support. Customer is last and wrong. Rude, rude tour guides who are not even from here. Uh-oh.

Oh, okay. I thought they meant the country. I think they mean New Orleans. Probably New Orleans. Don't waste your money. The kiss wannabe guide was rude from the first minute. The entire staff was anti-customer and will kick you off for any problem as they determine as adequate. The tour was a bore and a bunch of BS.

Don't waste your hard-earned money. So now you can see how the owner is and why their employees are rude. Isn't calling customers trash rude? For the record, I think just about everyone in NOLA has been drinking. Your own employee said from the guy who signs you up to the tour guide that drinking makes the experience better. And so-called spirits will be more visible to you. And I did not expose my genitals to the group. What?

If I did, you would have known, that is for sure. Now I feel exposed to by Greg. If I did, you would have known, that is for sure. The wannabe kiss lookalike was a dick.

My wife and I came up to pay. I said, is there a bathroom near here or a stop on the way? Or do I need to just use a bush somewhere? Your employee said, and I quote, put your big boy pants on and hold it. And if you piss on my city, I will come to yours and piss all over it. That drew shock from the other two couples on the tour. Probably his friends. And they even said, hey, that is rude.

I said, is that how you treat people who help keep you employed? And by the way, your whole city smells like piss. There's homeless people everywhere. He said, you can ride on the other bus and turned and pouted. The other employee asked if there was a problem. And I said, yes, you need to teach your employee how to talk to people. On the tour, which you as a boss support people being drunk, I was not going pee. One of the other guests did, which he was 50 yards down from the bus in a bush. I waited for him and then heard you two off the bus. You are peeing. I turned and said, what?

And said, okay, who cares? Thank goodness for Uber. And that tour was BS anyway. We were fine, but your tour guide then kicked off my wife and my friend's wife, calling them out and telling them to get off the bus too. So yes, your tour is worth that picture I posted. We had more fun riding bikes and the employees at Flambo's said your guides were not good guides, that even a lady there said she lived in NOLA 22 years and then moved away from there because her husband was in the Marines. So, hmm.

What? So, hmm. How did I know that? No, I don't understand that one bit. I'll read it again. Thank you. I can't wait to hear it again. Everyone was like, great.

We had more fun riding bikes, and the employees at Flambeau said that your guides were not good guides, that even the one lady said she lived in NOLA 22 years, then moved away from there because her husband was in the Marines. So, hmm, how did I know that? I went into this trying to unpack it. I think it's just becoming more and more packaged. He's just putting more duct tape on it. It's not making any sense. Greg.

Greg has some issues. Now, I just want to read this. It's much shorter, but it's Sidney's response to Greg's original post. Okay. Which prompted the nonsense that I just read. Hi, Greg. In 25 years of business, I have never had anything like you on a tour. Our tour guides are not rude.

And for the record, we owners are natives. We are not anti-customer. We are anti-drunk and abusive toward our staff and other tour participants and reserve the right to remove people from the tour who are being disruptive. You are threatening our guides, making the other guests on the tour uncomfortable for starters but this paled in comparison to your grand finale of exposing your genitals to 20 plus tour participants in the cemetery then proceeding to urinate on someone's family tomb oh my god what an irony that you included a photo of our sticker in a toilet so that was the

original photo he posted was he showed i thought it was a dick pic so i'm glad it wasn't it could have gone either way um what an irony that you included a photo of our sticker in a toilet i would have guessed that perhaps you were not familiar with indoor plumbing that's what that's sydney's primo line she should just stick to that kind of yeah response yeah just like clever and calm and witty no more caps lock sydney um you are an abusive ignorant no class piece of trash in this state what you did is illegal and punishable by jail time and fines we do still have the threatening voicemail you on our system, not to mention what was picked up on the nearby surveillance cameras of your threats and what you did on that gravesite. Maybe some of your fellow tour participants

captured your performance on their cameras as well. Give that some thought, Gary. End of review. Gary or Greg? I'm like, whoa. I looked up to make it more dramatic and then I remembered the wrong name. Episode 28. Tattoo shops in Tulsa, Oklahoma. This is a review of Tulsa Body Jewelry. They also do tattoos. This is by Kenya and it's a one star review. They may have a great selection of jewelry.

That's the first paragraph. So I'm going to also tell you when the paragraphs start and end. Are they all really short? No. One of them is really long. Okay. So that's paragraph one. Some of them aren't full sentences.

I'll just inform you as we go. Okay. They may have a great selection of jewelry, period. End of paragraph. However, it appears if you are older than 13 to great selection of jewelry, period. End of paragraph. However, it appears if you are older than 13 to 19 years of age, they look like you are not even in the store. As I stand in the store and wait and wait to no avail, oh wait, when I get mad and open the cabinets, then they want to jump over and help me. You're standing there for over 20 minutes waiting for help and they look at you like you have no business being in there i i wonder if they are thinking she won't spend any money in here big mistake i mean really like how cliche okay wait what is going on here

they opened a cabinet that they weren't supposed to open. People told them not to. And now they're like, now they're paying attention. Yeah. Okay. I wonder if they are thinking she won't spend any money in here. Big mistake if you think that. I finally get a couple nose rings and leave. And I pay her with a hundred dollar bill. Had they waited on me like I was someone, I probably would have spent the whole $100 bill in the store. Wow.

But you'd rather work with the kids that are aged 13 to 19 years old that have no money instead of the grown-ups. I love that. They have no $100 bill. I look down on 13-year-olds because they have no money. Weird thing. That are 13 to 19 years old that have no money instead of the grown-ups who have jobs and own businesses and want to spend their money. I won't be back. Okay, so that was the second paragraph.

Oh my God, wait. Okay. I would rather the store pay attention to those young children. Who are buying piercings and tattoos. Make sure that they're okay in this environment. Especially if they're carrying around $100 bills. I don't know about any of this. Then I'll read the third paragraph. This is just because they have the worst.

Okay, that's paragraph number three. Oh, yeah. This is just because they have the worst. Okay, that's paragraph number three. This is just because they have the worst. Enter, enter. Customer service absolutely sucks. I came here because I heard good things about. End of paragraph. What is happening?

Do they copy and paste this from like a Google Doc and it got messed up? I don't know, maybe. This is paragraph number five. So I write this note the whole time i'm standing in there so basically she's writing this review as she's standing or maybe their ipad they whipped out their ipad oh well with their pictures and got a couple hundred dollar bills floating around so i write this note the whole time i'm standing in there and still no one wants to wait on me so so there you go. And then this is the final paragraph. I told the girl at once, one of every color, what do I get?

Three. Really? How freaking ridiculous. I could have went to Walmart for that, and I hate Walmart. End of review. Well, she is wealthy. Yeah, too much money. Too many businesses to go shop at Walmart.

You know, walk into a Walmart with $100 bills. No way. So that was a lovely review by Kenyon. Thank you, Kenyon. I just, I, the thing that like strikes me every time is how specific the age range of 13 to 19 years old is. Yeah. Do you think that the shop doesn't allow children under 13? But the thing is, if they're not allowing 12-year-olds,

why are they allowing 13-year-olds? And then maybe she's 20, and so she's just bitter that she is out of her teenage years. Yeah. Once she hit 20, she started getting those $100 bills. Her grandma mailed her a $100 bill for graduation. And gave her the family businesses. Oh, yeah.

Ugh. Episode 29. family businesses oh yeah episode 29 movie theaters in providence rhode island okay so this is a review by matthew um of the providence place cinema 16 and imax the imax experience watching the most anticipated film of 2019, Avengers Endgame, at the Providence IMAX, turned into an IMAX nightmare. As a cautionary tale, it is probably a good idea to devour and choke on a giant bucket. Bucket of what? What could it be? Bucket of what? What could it be? As a cautionary tale, it is probably a good idea to devour and choke on a giant bucket of popcorn throughout the previews.

You know, the one that comes with refills. Sorry. Especially if you are a director's member of Showcase Star Pass like myself. Because they closed the concession stand a half hour before the movie. Throughout the beginning of the film, I had to go back and forth to get concessions because the one within the showcase closes later than the one at IMAX. Even the guy I chatted with who checked the tickets and bags thought it was utter insanity. To make matters worse, I had to go through this not once, but twice. I have a feeling the employee wasn't like it's utter

insanity sir i agree with you the like 16 year old who just wants to go home so wait this just so far the complaint is that there are a couple concession stands and the one right by the imax closes before the the other one so they have to go all the way to the other one? Yes. It closes half hour before the movie. Got it. Right. So during the movie, or right before the movie, he has to go to a different concession stand in the main area of the theater, I imagine. Okay.

Which is obviously utter insanity. In fact, and during the second trip around, I must have lost five to six minutes worth of endgame, which got me very anxious and utterly disappointed as I got locked out. Oh! And had to knock really hard to get back inside. Okay, that is hilarious. Wait, first of all... It was like playing inside me. It's like, let me in! And then so like bothered everyone else.

So now that's probably why all of my one-star reviews were all about the same guy knocking really loudly on the theater doors. Oh, but, but. I wasn't hurling out any insults or any profanity in the whole process. I'm so proud of you, sir. The staff whom opened the doors were also unfathomably rude. I'm so proud of you, sir. Oh my lord. This is too much. Why can't the cinema consider building some passageway between the two entrances?

Like a secret tunnel? Yeah, just for him. So he doesn't get locked out anymore. Why can't the cinema consider building some passageway between the two entrances without going through locked doors like myself, if they are so concerned regarding security? What a horrendous design. Oh, and if this cinema continues to treat my family like an ashtray of cigarettes after split... What? Very few humans in history... Well, okay, probably too many have been treated that way and i guarantee

you it's not this man and his family oh and if this cinema continues to treat my family by the way he quotes ashtray like in quote ashtray of cigarettes that makes it right after splurring serious money to witness a cinematic event like this once in a lifetime? Please don't talk about it that way. No offense to Avengers fans, but a lot of offense to this Avenger fan. Please. I will not come back here. Period.

Thank you for losing a loyal customer for two decades. Shame on everyone managing this theater. End of review. That was a doozy. Don't talk about it that way. It's not doing you any favors. It doesn't matter how you feel. You're not winning any people over by talking

about it that way. Oh, speak for yourself. I'm a Stan. What's it called again? Yep, you got it. Get it? I'm a Stan Lee Stan. I'm funny. That was kind of funny. Thank you. Oh, I didn't even write his name down. Matthew. Oh yeah, I did. Well, thank you, Matthew. I'm a Stan Lee Stan. I'm funny. That was kind of funny. Thank you. Oh, I didn't even write his name down. Matthew. Oh, yeah, I did.

Well, thank you, Matthew. I'm a Matthew Stan. Hey, am I cool now, teens? Episode 30. Crab houses in Baltimore, Maryland. Sal and Son's Seafood. Claire, one star. Sal and Son Seafood.

Claire, one star. Ordered one dozen cooked blue crabs by phone, went to pick up, and they had sold our order. Was very upset as we had plans for those crabs. End of review. Episode 31. Breweries in Little Rock, Arkansas. This first review is of a place called Stone's Throw Brewing. Barbara gave it two stars. I really wanted to like this place,

but the bitch-faced girls who work there totally ruined it. I went several times and received poor service and a bad attitude with each visit. The beer's decent enough, but it doesn't make up for the poor service. I love charcuterie. Oh, Barbara. She simply shook her head and said no and turned away and went back to what she... No, that's not for you, Barbara. No? I'm confused. Do you not have it? She then unapologetically explained that she had already wrapped everything up for the day.

Okay, next time maybe try, I'm sorry, but we are no longer serving food this evening. That would have been acceptable. I thought maybe she just had a bad day. It happens to all of us. Well, everyone except Barbara, I bet. Yeah, Barbara's perfect. I let it slide. On my next few returns, however, she was equally unpleasant.

The next visit, bitch face was training a really- Well, if you keep calling her that. the next visit bitch face was training well if you keep calling her that the next visit bitch face was training a really sweet young girl who was very warm and engaging unfortunately she was a total ditz she didn't know the first thing about beer i overheard another guest ask her what apa was oh i know it's an acronym It's an initialism. Fuck. Okay. I'm learning. Yes. I overheard another...

Wait, I don't know what APA is. Oh, it's... Arkansas Pale Ale. Is that not right? It's like the percentage of hops or something like that. Oh. It's... Hold on. It's something about,. Oh. It's, um, hold on. It's something about, I think, the hops.

Oh, I found it. American Psychological Association. Oh. Maybe it is. APA format. Maybe it is American Pale Ale. I really thought... Oh, I said Arkansas.

I know, but I thought APA was, um... Oh, no, that's ABV. Sorry. Oh, well, yeah. Yeah. Okay. No, that's not what I'm thinking of. I don't know. Yeah, American Pale Ale. I. Oh, well, yeah. Yeah. Okay. No, that's not what I'm thinking of. I don't know.

Yeah, American Pale Ale. I'm really dumb today, huh? Yes. Okay. So you start with your NPR voice, and it backfired quite a bit. Yeah. I really set the bar high for myself. Well, that's the thing.

People are like, oh, I cannot relate to this woman. And now they're listening, they're like, okay, she's a lot more relatable. They're like, oh, God, I still can't relate. She went the opposite way. Oh, I was thinking of IBU. AVA, IB, ABV, IBU. Okay. You're all over the place.

Okay. That's okay. I don't know shit about beer, so. Apparently neither does this girl. Ditz girl. Ditzy. Ditzy bitch face McGee. Unfortunately, she was a ditz and didn't know the

first thing about beer. I overheard another guest ask her what APA was and she didn't even know that. Facepalm. Oh my god don't write out that word. Well it happens again. I ordered a red ale and my boyfriend got an IPA. In the two feet from the tap to the bar, she forgot which one was which. By the color, it is incredibly obvious. She practically put her nose into my beer, smelled them both, and still got it wrong. Double face palm! I, myself, worked in a craft beer bar for many years and was expected to talk shop with patrons. With bitch face serving you, you're lucky if you get a hello. End of review.

Episode 32. Sporting goods stores in Anchorage, Alaska. Okay, I do have another review of R.E.I. Oh my goodness. Okay, let's go. It's from Tamara. It's a one-star review. Normally, I would give five stars for REI. I have done a lot of shopping here and online for years.

April 30th, 2018. I went to REI in Anchorage to buy a bicycle. The sale man would not allow me to try a bicycle. I needed a small frame, and I wanted to try both extra small and small frame bike to see which bike would be the best since I'm 5'3". It was very hard to get on the bicycle while they are cabled up. I couldn't get up on it. Stop.

Yes, stop, tomorrow's soft drive. Stop, I'm literally addressing up on it. Stop. Yes, stop tomorrow's soft drive. I'm literally addressing tomorrow right now. The sail man told me I'm not allowed to get up on the bicycle because if I fall off, you would get in trouble. I'm picturing her having climbed up like three, like it's up on a display and she's climbed up like the scaffolding. The scaffolding. She's like, it's a little difficult to get on this bike. He also stated, they don't carry my bike size frame.

There was a size S and XS frame on the rack. When he told me they don't have a bike for me, as I'm looking at all these bicycles, I told him, that hard to believe. He told me to buy a bicycle from another store. So I did. I went to the bicycle shop across the street. They suggest I take the bicycle out in the parking lot to ride, and the sailman adjusted the seat to make sure everything was okay and that the bicycle was a good size. I tried out both extra small and small size frames, and the size small worked great not only did i buy a bicycle that i like i saved over 300 from rei price blah on you rei you lost a sale tomorrow i'm startled i'm startled what was that

blah b-l-a-h oh my that shocked me a little bit yeah love a good sail man a good sail man, though. A good sail man. Episode 33. Bars in Columbus, Ohio. My first review is of Bullwinkles, and it is a one-star review by Tracy. So, I went to Bulls, and because I ate Waffle House, I was sick and couldn't make it to the restroom in time to throw up. No. and couldn't make it to the restroom in time to throw up. No.

And the bouncer approached my man and said, We have a no throw up policy. Can you imagine? Didn't you see the sign when you walked in? The bouncer being like, we have a no throw up policy. Wagging his finger. The bouncer approached my man and said, We have a no throw upup policy so she has to go what about asking if i was okay since you were not busy it's all about money

it's all about money and i grantee that fat fuck pig of a manager matt made that stupid rule up i like how she thinks it's so absurd that they have a rule to not throw i don't know of course they why would they i don't know so weird people are so weird oh my god and what a what a waste of waffle house also wasted on her also bullshit don. Don't fucking throw Waffle House under the bus. Those are the rules. I'm not drunk. It was Waffle House.

How dare you? I feel like I've said that phrase before. I'm sure we all... I'm not drunk. It was Waffle House. I think we've all been there.

Honestly, you haven't lived if you haven't said that. Not to like give too much personal information, but that is the bumper sticker on the back of my car. The police have put me over more than once.

I'm not drunk. I'm not drunk. I'm not drunk. It's the Waffle House. Okay. I'm so sorry. Back to Tracy. This is about Tracy, not me. Give us money so we can make those bumper stickers.

It's all about money, and I grantee that fat fuck pig of a manager, Matt, made that stupid rule. You lost my business. Not that you care with your $1 watered-down balms. Yeah, I said it. The bartenders are selling eatables marijuana behind the bar it's true someone bought one from that black chick end of review wow what a narc what a narc also i mean really throwing everything under the bus here absolutely everything and everyone yeah no it's all slipping It's slipping on that vomit. Gross. Flying right under the bus.

Everyone. Right in those grits. Ugh. Episode 34. Walmart in Seawolks Falls, South Dakota. Here's one from Aura. One star review. A Native American employee.

Oh, God. Harassed me for no good reason i'm sure i think she's prejudiced towards middle-class white women i plan to report her to management end of review i thought you're gonna say i plan to report her to maga guys oh i almost just broke the furniture. That's the next step. Prejudice against middle class what? White? White. Well, it says white woman, but I assume they meant white women.

Yes. Prejudice towards middle class white women. See, for me, I'm a man, so I shouldn't feel bad because this is a middle class white woman. I don't know. As a white man, you're the most prejudiced against out of anybody in this nation. Exactly, so I can actually feel for this woman a little bit. Do you know white men have become a minority in this country? Especially at Walmart.

Like, I'm afraid to agree jokingly. By the way, I don't know. My nose started bleeding. Oh my god. That's why I'm like really out of it right now. You guys, that just really hit us hard. I'm like, I'm not even joking. There's blood on me right now.

Are you alright? I think so. I'm worried that I'm just gonna... The bleeding will just profusely continue if I continue with my review, but... You're probably pretty bad. I must nobly proceed. Do it. You're not being noble by proceeding. I am. On behalf of Ken. If I continue with my review, but I must nobly proceed. You're not being noble by proceeding.

On behalf of Ken. Episode 35. Souvenir shops in Atlantic City, New Jersey. This is called Time After Time. Time after time. Yep, there, I was waiting for that. Thought I could maybe cut you off, but... Find me. Is that how it goes?

Uh-huh. You will find me or something? That's exactly how it goes. Is it actually a watch store? I thought it was like, oh, time after time. It's a souvenir, like it sounds like a gift shop, but apparently it's time after time, like time watches. Oh, yeah. You know, you understand.

Time pieces. Time pieces. This is, um,. Oh, yeah. You know. You understand. Time pieces. Time pieces. This is, um, but it is on the boardwalk, so whatever. One Star Review by Robin. I walked in and was greeted with a hello, and then the young lady went back to whatever paperwork she was doing. I know. It already starts off very dark. Shortly thereafter, a young man came in and

also went behind the counter i only went into this store because they had an alex and annie ad out front do you know what that is i saw a review that mentioned it it's like those bracelets that people have with like different charms get it it's a charm bracelet yeah you're just staring at me blankly i just want to make sure we're on the same page i just wanted to make sure It's a charm bracelet. Yeah, you're just staring at me blankly. I just want to make sure we're on the same page. I just wanted to make sure it's a charm bracelet. It's not a timepiece. It's not a timepiece. To be clear.

Got it. I only went into the store because they had an Alex and Annie ad out front. I walked in on the opposite side of the store from the Alex and Annie counter. So I had to walk across the store to get there. No. I know, Alexander. It's so heavy. It's really hard for me to get through this.

No one, and I do mean neither one of the two people working in the store, said another word to me. Nor did they make their way to the Alex and Annie counter. They may have caught a clue had they looked up

and seen the... They may have caught a clue had they looked up and seen the 11 Alex and Annie bracelets and the necklace I was already wearing. Oh my God. That seems like a lot.

It is a lot. It's a lot. Oh my god. That seems like a lot. It is a lot. It's a lot. Oh my god. Her ice is dripping. It's horrible. Okay. They may have caught a clue had they looked up and seen the 11 Alex and

Annie bracelets in the necklace I was already wearing. They may have even made a sale. Never again. I'll just keep buying mine online. Absolutely abysmal customer service. End of review. Oh my god. Okay, my first favorite part. Well, no, there's many. There's so many. I'm not going back that far. When she said, when when she said no one as if there's like a huge group of people and then and i mean neither of the two as if that makes it sound any stronger and one of them came in literally weakens her she was already there it's not can't you just say hey can you help no obviously i'm imagining like

the clanging of bracelets like It's like freaking Christmas Carol. Oh, yeah. He's dragging. Oh, my God. She's dragging all her Alice Annie chains. She's made them into like a chain. And they say like, cheer mom, soccer mom. Episode 36.

Banks in Charlotte, North Carolina. Okay, so this is a super fun one by N. It's a one-star view of Bank of America. Well, not quite. You'll see why. Better referred to as Skank of America for a reason. I don't believe it. There's no reason anyone would call it that.

Horrible bank. No customer service. Do not use this bank. You have been warned. The buyers of my home in California use Skank of American to fund a home purchase. The underwriter from Skank. We've abbreviated now. This is ridiculous.

The underwriter from Skank, we've abbreviated now. This is ridiculous. The underwriter from Skank delayed closing for a week because they cannot read simple English. Run away and use any other bank. End of review. Now, I'm into the fun game. Sort of like a game show. I already know I don't want to play.

But tell me anyway. So, skank of america okay hold on hello everyone and welcome to christine's game show well we're workshopping yeah we gotta work on that today's contestant is none other than the bad boy of podcasting himself hi your first challenge name i'm trying to think of what game show this is like is it i don't know what i don't know what the game is i'm sorry i should have planned better your first challenge is to guess the nickname the insulting nickname of bank of america there are two correct answers skank of america has already been chosen by your competitor, N. Okay. It is now your turn to pick a name. 30 seconds on the clock. Stank of America.

Oh, I'm sorry, that is incorrect, but you do receive bonus points because that is better than the real answer. Bank of Un-American. I will give you additional bonus points. i think maybe you're answering the correct answers and these people something about people being cranky cranky of america crank of america we'll give it to you the crowd goes wild i'm good at this uh this is i know what game it's like what's the thing with the family and the Steve Harvey? Family Feud.

Family Feud. Welcome to Family Feud. Survey Says. Survey Says. Okay, you're next up. Next up, we have another contestant. It's still Alexander. Come up with another Bank of America nickname.

One person surveyed. top answers are on the board it's pretty simple because it's pretty stupid is your hint and then there's one final bonus round maybe yeah maybe um is it the same type as the other ones i I'm trying to think what rhymes with bank. It's not clever. Dank. Once again, you have... Frank. You have beat Frank of America.

I don't know. You have beat the original contestants. Is there something really obvious that I'm like, jank? No, but I will tell you, I'm sorry. I'm going to insert an answer. Rank. No, not rank. Unfortunately, the answer was Prank of America.

However, we do have one final redemption round. This is the bonus. And if you get this correct, you will win the grand prize of a grill. And also... What game show is this? Apparently, Fee doesn't give out grills. I don't know. Just hurry up, give me this bonus thing.

The final bank in question. Fifth Third Bank. What is an offensive nickname for this establishment? 30 seconds on the clock. Fifth Turd bank. And he wins! I'm so good. Oh my god. I could be a Yelp reviewer.

Incredible. You did it. You won the grill. Thank you. I'm so proud of you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you everyone. Thank you so much. And I'm so looking forward to dinner tonight. My adoring fans. Thank you. Oh wow. Wow. Bad boy indeed. I was nervous. I wouldn't pull forward to dinner tonight. My adoring fans. Thank you. Oh, wow. Wow. Bad boy indeed.

I was nervous I wouldn't pull through, but I did. You did. And we're all very impressed with your fortitude. Okay. Steve Harvey has left the building. Thank God. I don't want him around here. Episode 37.

Dollar stores in Birmingham, Alabamaama this one's rough just buckle up okay okay george gave family dollar one star and this was on consumer affairs or reports.com really yes i'm ready. Since taking Family Dollar Store's Sleep Aid containing 100% diphenhydramine... Now, I want to explain to you that diphenhydramine is the active ingredient in Benadryl. Okay. And it is present in every Sleep Aid. I mean, not every Sleep Aid, but, you know, like Z-Quil and even Tylenol PM and NyQuil and etc. know like z-quil and even tylenol pm and nyquil and etc since taking family dollar stores sleep aid containing 100% diphenhydramine on and off for several years i increased its nightly use

because i was getting used to the addictive drug and it stopped working as well sunrise hospital october 28th to the 30th kept me under medication in an unconscious state for three days creating an extremely expensive bill of sixty thousand dollars i am not sure if this was actually medically necessary even though i am 61 years old the drug caused seizures nosebleeds and spitting up clots of coagulated blood. What? That is not a side effect, by the way, of Benadryl. Okay. To be clear.

So I should contact my doctor about those symptoms I was having? To the Benadryl? No, yeah. You should keep taking Benadryl. Oh, okay. I'll just keep taking it. Diphenhydramine is a dangerous drug and should not be taken by people over their mid-40s cvs television commercials also state that it is dangerous

and i think what they mean is like at the end of the commercial of a any sort of drug they list the drug interactions and danger risks well two months of fresh pear juice... What? What? Well, two months of fresh pear juice therapy flushed the drug from the lower extremities of my body. What's going on? This all caused the executor of my mother's estate,

my sister Debbie, to doubt and instill her narcissistic temper on me, asking me to leave my father's house because she did not want to be responsible for me. Now she will not allow me to try to sell our collection of ten Renaissance paintings. What? Wait, what? Where are we? Oh my god.

Wait, what? Where are we? Oh my god. Wait, this is a dollar store we're writing about here? Yeah. I looked at the dollar store sleep aid. It's like off-brand Benadryl, basically. Or like off-brand Z-Quilt.

Now she will not allow me to try to sell our collection of ten Renaissance paintings. I mean, considering what this guy's writing, I wouldn't trust him to sell a fucking, like... Because she does not trust me in this mental state. Also, the ambulance attendant caused damage to my right arm while attempting to restrain me. Why did you need to be restrained, sir? Because he took some Benadryl. Obviously. Gets me going, that's true. Making it difficult to even write my own name.

I believe this dangerous drug should be taken off the market, or at least labels adhered to the boxes containing this drug. or at least labels adhered to the boxes containing this drug. This company and the pharmaceutical companies that make products containing diphenhydramine should be sued by anyone who has had these symptoms and been hospitalized, or by the family if the person then died. The FDA has been warned, and MedWatch said they'd look into it, but nothing has happened. The drugs continue to be sold, and they do not have adequate warning labels. End of review. I don't... Can I put something out there yeah i know i put a lot of things out there but i want to put something out there

i think there's more to this story no just putting that out there wow i'm gonna check the estate sales online to find that. Debbie's like... Renaissance painting. Debbie's like, George, this has nothing to do with your Benadryl. George, stop trying to sell mom's horse paintings on the internet. They're not from the Renaissance. And you can't keep telling people that they are. Also, you're writing a 10 paragraph review on the internet your arm is fine also stop drinking all the pear juice that sounds pretty good right now it's very expensive

even at the dollar store dollar store pear juice to flush out the dollar store of fresh pear juice therapy i asked blaze earlier i was like hey so what does fresh pear juice therapy. I asked Blaze earlier. I was like, hey, so what does fresh pear juice therapy exactly do? And he looked at me like I was trying to sell our mom's 10 Renaissance paintings. Like, that's the kind of look he gave me. You weren't, though, right? We're keeping those. Well. Keeping those in the family.

Well. My God. Episode 38. McDonald's in billings montana uh okay i have one final one another five star by young okay carl you know i don't think so oh okay my wife just died but before she passed she wanted to eat at to eat at McDonald's one last time. We were helped by a lovely young man named Tony, who prioritized my wife in her last moments. He was such a kind young man. I usually do not write reviews like this, but that boy deserves recognition for kindness and the impact he made on my wife's final moments.

Thank you again, Tony. You are a hero amongst men. End of review. again tony you are a hero amongst men and a review oh my god i never thought this podcast could make me cry in oh wait you cry about every episode i mean sure but usually because i'm so funny sure that maybe more in like i'm so distraught and overwhelmed by like the chaos and horror of these reviews but this is just like poignant and sad yeah you you read a cruise review about someone dying so i guess it's my turn this is true we like to sometimes uh sprinkle a little death into the show a little morbid reality you're welcome everyone that's so sweet and i thought again i thought that this deserved a platform so

tony if you're out there we're proud of you tony if you're out there, we're proud of you. Tony, if you're out there, we're going to keep talking about you. What? What does that mean? I have a redemption. No. By Kat. Okay. A five star of a McDonald's.

Okay. Should I go ahead and read it? Yeah, read it. Normally I don't go to McDonald's, but it was the day before payday and I only had a few dollars to spend. I was already having a badday and I only had a few dollars to spend. I was already having a bad day when I went in, but I was greeted by the kindest, funniest gentleman by the name of Tony. No fucking way.

I'm serious. Are you kidding me? When you said that, I like stopped breathing for a solid 30 seconds. That is insane. I know. This is the last one I have, too. The fact that these lined up so... That is so weird. Okay, I want to hear more about tony and how great

different review platforms yeah we did this this is just pure coincidence the only person i've ever read about twice i read every review on yelp this is the only person i ever read about that i've now heard like a corroborating story god i was greeted by the kindest funniest gentleman by the name of tony never have i had such a great experience at a mcdonald's the only reason i would ever go into a mcdonald's again is if tony were there end of review that is so sweet so now i refuse to go into a fucking mcdonald's unless tony is there let's go i think we all should hold ourselves to that standard let's go do a show in billings montana at tony's mcdonald's unless tony is there let's go i think we all should hold ourselves to that standard let's go do a show in billings montana at tony's mcdonald's someone find tony

please that's amazing you know how they did helen mcguckin night can we do a tony night tony night yeah episode 39 bookstores in portland oregon here's a one-star review by Vern Devana. Powell's books does not honor human being rights of freedom of speech or the Fifth Amendment. Pause. If you haven't read our book on our children's book about the Constitution. The Fifth Amendment. Constitution soup for the soul is what I'm calling it for now. It's a working title. The Fifth Amendment

does a few things. Right against self-incrimination. It brings up due process, double jeopardy, something about grand juries. Sure, sure. Why don't you decide whether or not that's at all relevant here oh so we are going to find out yeah so we're the grand jury in this yeah got it i was having a conversation with someone in the coffee shop about jesus in a respectful way

and not bothering anyone oh no one of the managers at Powell's, black medium length hair in glasses, said to stop talking about that or I'm 86 from Powell's. He said I could come back if I promised to never talk about Jesus at the W Burnside Powell's bookstore. It was closing time even at the coffee shop. So there were only like five people left in there. So I don't know what the problem was did someone just say an aclu discrimination civil lawsuit I thought Powell's was all about diversity beware lovers of Jesus I told the manager that I was not going to deny Jesus so he said I was banned from the W. Burnside Powell's bookstore for talking about Jesus Christ. When I was being escorted out he and another employee, middle-aged, blonde hair, wears glasses

got all happy with huge smiles and gave each other a high five in the air while jumping up and down. This is where I was. They really lost me. As fire and brimstone came up from the sidewalk do you mind it's like something from a fucking movie they jump up in the air and do a high five this book writes itself by the way our children's book the funny thing is powell's book sells quite a lot radical christian books along with a lot of satanic pagan books as well. Also, I was harassed by their woman security guard,

heavyset woman with reddish brown color hair, where she said, Hi, Mr. X. When I was waiting for the Portland streetcar, I never looked at her or said anything to her. How does she know my name? Oh, very creepy. Oh, I creepy. Oh. I took her picture. Smiley face.

What is happening, Alexander? They have facial recognition security cameras in their stores, and they probably sell all your identities to marketing companies, telling them your shopping preferences, email addresses, and even more. Customers who sell their books there allow Powell's to have all their identity info. And a review. What? What? Episode 40. Gas stations in Wilmington, Delaware. Hey, I've got a review of Eagle Station by Jess. Two stars.

Okay, I've got a review of Eagle Station by Jess. Two stars. The only reason I gave it two stars instead of one is because their gas prices are decent. Try to pay with a card, though, because the guy inside is a jerk. I walked in, he saw me, then went back behind a wall while ignoring I was there. End of review. I don't know why that just got me so good. I know. I was like, not sure if I should include it because I'm like,

am I the only one that's going to find this weirdly funny? That got me so good. Okay, good. I think it's because I was visualizing the entire exchange. Just like the soap exchange. I'm trying to picture what the hell is going on in these places. This guy, I imagine him standing straight up as Jess walks in and he gets all nervous like, uh oh, and he just like takes one

step to the side so he can't be seen behind a wall and then like only comes out when she leaves oh my god that's so funny to me and i think it's because i picture the guy just being really socially anxious yeah he's just in the wrong job kind of cute like oh he's just in the wrong career. Episode 41. Psychics in Albuquerque, New York. Take two. Episode 41. Psychics in Albuquerque, New Mexico. This is a kind of a combo deal because I have a response from the owner. Give me.

So this is a one-star review by Anna, which is interesting because the first one I just read, I realized it's called Anna's Psychic Reading. So maybe there's some collusion and, you know, fraudulent activity happening here. I have went to Mindy Lou a couple of times, but the last time I saw her, it was because my dog went missing and I was desperate for help from anywhere. There comes my dumb dog. Rude. He's like, how much would you spend to find me probably my life savings she talked to me very condescendingly and said that i needed to be a more responsible dog owner oh my god i'm like that's not my dog's missing please help who opened the gate man she was no help and i felt a lot worse

after talking to her i recently had a friend that saw her and since she did not give her a tip even though she paid her she yelled at her for not tipping her and then since someone went to her that knew her she charged the person extra saying that she was still owed a tip a very rude and greedy woman so sad oh my god wait okay i didn't understand that please yeah so the person goes, doesn't tip. Uh-huh. So. Oh, someone. And then someone who knew the person that didn't tip shows up at another appointment and gets charged extra to make up for their friends or their acquaintances lack of tip.

Wait, that's a brilliant business practice. Oh, is that what it's called? Yes. Is that what it's called? I love that idea. So like if your friend writes a one star review, we're going to ask for like an eight star review. And that's not the right math? I love that idea. So, like, if your friend writes a one-star review, we're going to ask for, like, an eight-star review. That's not the right math. I don't know.

I think, um... I think that... I think she's on to something. I think that won't work well for us, what we do. At all. Yeah, maybe not a little bit. And I don't think that works well for psychics either, normally. Clearly not.

I guess we'll see. Mandy Lou didn't have the greatest of reviews. There you go. Here's Mandy Lou's response to anna i have never seen or spoken to anna above i do not claim to have an ability to find missing dogs or people or objects i'm a healer and spiritual guide i give to the best of my ability always. I have never asked for a tip. I am charitable. I am in love with God. I am doing my best to serve divinity. Here is a quote for you, Anna.

Here's a quote for you, Anna. Revelations chapter 20, verse 10. And the devil who deceived them was thrown into the lake of burning sulfur oh my god there's more sorry this person just called themselves charitable and quoted the most in love with god part of scripture and the devil who deceived them was thrown into the lake of burning sulfur where the beast and the false prophet had been thrown Jesus Christ. And it responds. I just was like, that went from zero to 60 so fast.

Oh my god. And it's like, my dog went missing and she didn't help me. And then the psychic responds like, you're going to be burned with a devil in a fiery pit. Like you said about the collusion thing. Maybe. I think there's something there. There's something deeper going on here. There's obviously something deeper and I think the spiritual healer is picking up on it. Clearly. Clearly. She's just trying to put Anna on the right path. That's all. Episode 42. Ice cream shops in Charleston, West Virginia.

So Ellen's homemade ice cream. I thought it looked great, but Langston did not have a good time. Langston gave Ellen's Homemade Ice Cream one star. I enjoyed the excellent ice cream and shakes there for years. One day the owner overheard me asking the clerk for the dregs of my shake. And all of a sudden, for reasons not made known to me, after that, I was no longer allowed my dregs of my shake and all of a sudden for reasons not made known to me after that i was no longer allowed my dregs all my life any dregs were offered it's too many dregs i cannot believe how many times that word is used in this review and i'd like everyone to take a drink every time the word is mentioned okay after that i was no longer allowed my dregs

all my life any dregs were offered still in the stainless steel mixing container at no charge not sure what her point was but the clerk said dregs were thrown out if dregs are thrown out the drain why not let me have them it would help create goodwill. Okay, Ebenezer Scrooge. Goodwill towards man. I had paid for the shake and it would have cost her zero to continue allowing me to enjoy the last few millimeters. Oh my God. Yeah, you expect him to say dregs. Googled synonyms of dregs.

And it was like, no results. So he was like, okay, I'll say millimeters. of dregs and it was like he was like no results so he was like okay i'll say millimeters her refusal to allow me my dregs benefited nobody and it seemed personal to me this happened a while back and i haven't been back semicolon i'll never go back whoa that's poetry it is beautiful i think that was patently unfair i tried to work this out with her, but to no avail. She wouldn't acquiesce. I can make superlative shakes at home. He just discovered the source.

Oh my God, literally just picked out of nowhere. I mean, maybe he found dregs and was like, you know what? I use dregs a lot. Let me try to find other good words. Big words. I can make superlative shakes at home a lot less expensively. It's not always just the food. It's the attitude perceived, too.

End of review. What? I don't know. Episode 43. Antique stores in Portland, Maine. Here's a two-star review of Robert of Salvation Army. I love Salvation Army. They helped our family in a fire in 1966.

But this store needs to get the horrible smell out of there. But the casserole dish I purchased was a great deal. End of review. Life-saving. Example A was in 1966, saved from a fire. Example B was this nice casserole dish. Yeah. And those two points.

Yeah, true. Well, there's a smell as well. So when you factor these three things in, you get saved from a fire, bad smell, great casserole dish equals two stars. It just, to me, it doesn't add up. To me, it doesn't add up. Alexander, you weren't involved in the great fire of 1966. You know, to be fair, I wasn't.

Maybe that was all caused by a burnt casserole. Maybe Robert started it. And he was maybe disappointed that they saved his family. Oh. Just a dark twist of potential. I don't know. Oh. I'm trying to rationalize this like I always do.

Maybe he went to the Salvation Army and said, all of this stuff is my stuff from the fire of 1966. Why are you making me pay for it? My mother's casserole dish. Why are you making me pay $2 for this? It's mine. Yep, that's it. That's probably what happened.

That's it. Episode 44. Rancis in Lincoln, Nebraska. Okay, ready for Scott's review? I've been waiting my whole life for Scott's review. This one you sure were. First Jason, now Scott. You're really getting me good here.

Yep. Thank you. Scott has this to say. Two stars. Free ice cream cone is great. Until it embarrasses my lactose-free child did the ice cream cone like make fun of your child i don't want to i know like hit him with a dodgeball what those rabbit droppings just oh god just give him a

cookie please need better customer service even though food is great. End of review. What does that mean? Oh, so the child got a free ice cream cone. And was so embarrassed? There was some sort of like reading thing they do. I saw a lot of reviews about those where they go in and you can like get an ice cream cone for your kid. That's cute. Yeah.

But unfortunately for Scott's child, who is lactose free, they can't get like... Poor Scott's child. Poor Scott Jr. They can't get a cookie instead. How embarrassing for that child. I like how he's like my child. It's so embarrassing for my child. He's so ashamed.

He should be ashamed. I have a feeling that Scott was the one embarrassing the child, not the actual Runza employees. Or the ice cream cone. I don't think that cone was doing one embarrassing the child, not the actual Runza employees. Or the ice cream cone. I don't think that cone was doing much to embarrass that kid. I mean, unless he got the Runzas after that ice cream cone. I came up with that all by myself. Take a lactate. Take a lactate, my friends.

That's my go-to. Episode 45. Tenning Salons in Huntington Beach, California. So this is a review of Rockstar Tan by Shook. I've got one of those. A Rockstar Tan? Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Shook says, one star. I came here on April 29th, two days ago, to try the tanning bed for the first time. on April 29th, two days ago, to try the tanning bed for the first time. The lady in the front desk didn't give any details, so I went inside with my eyes open. Why? I don't know.

Because they didn't get any instruction, Alexander. Any details. Oh, no. My friend figured that out and tried to tell me but i was already inside and couldn't hear her knocking oh it's like a horror movie i know it's so bad the door like the tanning the tanning bed's like closing they're like they know that they know their friend and they realized they're used to just leaving their eyes open constantly god shannon never shuts her eyes i should have remembered i felt dust in my eyes the whole day and it hurt my lawyer friend told

me i can sue them as this may have serious consequences such as cataracts and cancer which i'm considering now end of review the first thing you want to do when you plan on suing an establishment is to write a Yelp review about it. Episode 46. Fitness centers in Cheyenne, Wyoming. My review is from the Cheyenne Family YMCA from Juliana. One star. Staff was helpful.

Hot tub was nice. The lifeguard, however, deserves to be waterboarded or needs to drink exclusively, pass out, and choke on his own vomit. My dad had no clue how to swim and ended up sinking in the deep end. Only reason why he was there was because he attempted to get the ball for monkey in the middle oh no dad no dad it's not worth it dad i'm like okay that is such a dad i feel bad for this man absolutely it's terrible but isn't that the first thing you teach your child if the the ball goes in the street, don't run after it. Just let it go.

Just let dad run after it. Yes. Oh, true. He was like, oh, kids, you can swim better than me, but let me go get the ball. But damn if I let you be the monkey in the middle, or if you let me be the monkey in the middle. Maybe it's just that committed to the sport.

It does sound like something our dad would do. It does, doesn't it? Lifeguard failed miserably to notice him struggling and I swam from the shallow water and pulled him up. By that point, he was touching the bottom of the pool. Oh my god. Water got into his lungs. If I was in the hot tub, it would have gone completely unnoticed and god knows what could have happened. End of review. My god, did he have the ball though? That's what I wanted to know. review my god did he have the ball though that's what i wanted to do episode 47 wineries in los gatos california all right i have another one from clifford one star these names purchased tickets six months in advance to see abba oh drove two hours to discover a group of people upset and arguing at the entrance.

Apparently, we were not the only attendees who felt duped. Event workers assured us that, quote, ABBA the concert was a very good group and we wouldn't be disappointed. Stop. Stop. Oh, no. Oh, how wrong they were number one abba the concert started 20 minutes late number two although the costumes were correct the male lead singer must have had his fitted 30 to 40 pounds ago three the sound mixing was so bad that the keyboards and drums were so overpowering that the vocals couldn't be heard.

Four, the left speakers cracked and sounded as if one or more were blown out. ABBA the concert was such a poor excuse for an ABBA want a B that my entire party walked out in the middle of their third song. The only redeeming valley for the evening was that leaving early meant there was no traffic on the way home. And as been said by others, the food was expensive, not very good. And who pays $25 for a glass of wine at a winery? Would I go back? Not on your life. Could you imagine? John Lennon was supposed to open for them. I've never... Like, I couldn't imagine being that tricked into that.

Episode 48. Halloween Stores in Virginia Beach, Virginia. This is a one-star review by Larry. This place smelled like toxic plastic fumes. The haunted house sound effects CD they were playing was way too loud and not scary at all. You can't

scare me. I picked up a witch nose to smell it. And... Never thought I'd hear that sentence ever. I picked up a witch nose to smell it, and an employee immediately told me not to try it on. I replied that I was just looking for a nose to pick, and they didn't laugh at all.

Well, that's because it's not funny. I think it's hilarious. No. I think it's hilarious. I think this is serious business. Okay. Some of the costume packages were not suitable for youngsters to look at. Sexy nun?

Naughty accountant? These costumes need to be kept behind the counter. Costumes are cooler if you make them out of nothing. Spend some time with your kids and create some crazy costume that can't be bought.

Don't frequent stores like this so landlords will strive to get year-round tenants that actually benefit a city. How about a musical instrument shop in this location instead? Good quality guitars and stuff. end of review what that took a turn i think larry is the local like music teacher at the elementary school or

something i don't know really just go there to make that joke was it the only thing that he was going there for he only leaves his house once a year to release a pun into the atmosphere that one to be fair to him because of our free radio show uh-huh that pun is traveling much farther than he would have expected way into the atmosphere it worked this year looking for a nose to pick and um he might have just gained some new fans okay i mean i'm a fan i've been a fan since day one i tell you that much you tell you tell me that much. You sure do. Larry, Larry, Larry, Larry, Larry.

Episode 49. Spooky spots in Salem, Massachusetts. Well, I'm going to bring us down to a one star. This is a one star review by Kaylala of which city walking tours which city which which which stop oh god one star by kayla it's our new new youtube video just parody music video me doing that and nodding yeah okay i booked on groupon in advance and went with my boyfriend to start off there was a musician in the square playing loud music and she laughed at not bringing I booked on Groupon in advance and went with my boyfriend. To start off, there was a musician in the square playing loud music,

and she laughed at not bringing her microphone so people could hear her. Yeah, it would have been nice to hear some of the tour I paid for. So funny. Such a great joke. The tour online was described as a haunting tour. However, there was nothing scary. She didn't even dress up or bring a lantern. A lantern? She just had a dinky little lantern with a tea light.

Wait, so she brought a lantern. Yes. But she didn't bring a lantern. Capital L. Capital L. Little L. She didn't even bring a lantern. She just had a dinky little lantern with a tea light that didn't do anything not to mention when she talking about the corwin house she told a story about a woman named dorcas that sounds like an insult from an 80s sitcom. What is happening? Just get ready.

She told a story. She told a story about a woman named Dorcas, then proceeded to make fun of that name for the next five minutes, and how strange and ugly and weird and who would be named that. Well, guess what, lady? Wait, that's a first name? Oh my god.

Well, yeah. Sorry, we just lost our one listener named Dorcas. Well, guess what, lady? I almost walked out of your tool right there because that is my aunt's name. No, it's a real name? I'm in shock right now. I'm sorry sorry now i feel bad to all our dorkuses please don't feel bad this is just so good we should just name our listeners dorkuses to make the dork eye dork eye okay i'm sorry well guess what lady i almost walked out of your tour right

there because that's my aunt's name that was i can't get past this how do you spell this oh it gets better okay d-o-r-k-i-s that's as bad as i thought it really is oh my god okay that was a straight up insult and you are rude and should have thought about whether you were offending one of the people who paid to listen to you for two hours but that's okay my aunt owns more of Nebraska, and it's such an amazing, beautiful women inside and out that you wouldn't even be able to comprehend. So how's that for funny? End of review.

Dorcas owns more of Nebraska than this tour guide can comprehend. This tour guide in Salem, Massachusetts. Yes. You know what? I don't think this... Wow. I don't think this tour guide was doubting Dorcas' ability to own land in Nebraska.

Dorcas walks into the room and the tour guide's like, I can't even look at her. Oh my god. She's like radiating. I just looked it up. Oh, good. Dorcas origin greek and gender unknown but it says first name less than 100 in the u.s no since 1880 no

but search nebraska what are the odds like literally what are the odds that someone on this Salem witch tour goes and happens to have a relative named Dorcas? Who's still alive. It's not like some distant relative. Exactly. Unless Dorcas has been alive since 1880. Holy shit, do you see that broom with nobody on it? Dorcas? Dorcas. You've been summoned. Oh my lord. Oh my gosh.

Okay. That was hilarious. That was beautiful. Dorcas. Episode 50. Apartment complexes in Grand Rapids, Michigan. All right.

Okay, I've got one more review. Perfect. This is a one star by Callie of Arena Place Apartments. This is my grand finale. Oh god, help me. Last night, some residents of the Arena Place Apartments

were throwing eggs at people standing in line at the Grand Woods Lounge. Set in the scene. Beautiful scene. They were in an apartment that was facing the Grand Woods Lounge on one of the top floors near the corner. I was one of the many people

who was hit with an egg. Bullshit. She was the only one hit with an egg. And it in fact hit me right in the head. Oh dear gosh. I would just like to say to whoever you are, you are extremely lucky I didn't get a concussion and no one else was hurt for And covered an egg and they were like, please just get away from me.

You're dripping everywhere. graduation and covered an egg and they were like please just get away from me you're dripping everywhere the people who did this saw others out enjoying their night and had nothing better to do with their time than try to ruin that however you didn't ruin my night and in fact gave me a crazy story to talk about i still went in and had fun danced and i rocked my egg hair for the night so jokes on you and a review what in the goddamn world roller coaster what the one pro like so this is terrible i would hate it if someone threw an egg no i would be like so beyond furious i like i don't think i would have enjoyed the rest of my night good for her i would have been pissed off but anyway but what you do is you contact the apartment building

complex why are you writing a one-star review? Yeah, it's not the complex. But also writing it as if you're talking to the people living there, as if they're affected by this one-star review. They're not going to go on Yelp to read reviews. They're busy throwing eggs at strangers. Those, but I don't know, those people, they might be listeners. And they might be like, oh, good. Now we're being talked about on this podcast. Yeah, as fucking eggheads.

Those rapscallions rapscallions is that a word i don't know i hooligans can't stand these people oh no the egg throwers they sound like big bullies yeah no that's terrible um but yeah callie that was not okay that that happened i'm sorry callie it is a little funny good on you though for going out enjoying your night rocking that egg hair i loved that i was like that egg hair that made me feel a little bit better at the end oh yeah i feel bad that really sucks um yeah you're right it is not the best way to go about it because i guarantee you those people in like apartment 605 are not on yelp looking wait how did you know or was that you

we have a place at the castle we We have a place at something on Bond. We've got a place at Arena Place now. That was supposed to be my she shed. Your she shed. Just for me. Full of eggs. Thank you so much for listening to the worst of Beach 2 Sandy Water 2-It episodes 1 through 50. to Sandy Water to it, episodes 1 through 50.

Stay tuned for some special bonus content from the real star of the show, Mr. Schieffer himself. Deutsches Special Episode 1 Lebensmittelläden in Cincinnati, Ohio Episode 8 Zahnärzte in Denver, Colorado. Episode 14 Büchereien in Los Angeles, Kalifornien. Episode 29 Lichtspielhäuser in Providence, Rhode Island. Episode 40. Tankstellen in Wilmington, Delaware. Bye.