Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 102: Reviews of Private Investigators

Episode Date: November 11, 2020

Or are they private dicks? Regardless, we're scared of them almost as much as we are of the idea that there won't be a Santa Clause 4 #TimAllenForSC4 Check out our new merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy! Subscribe to Christine's YouTube channel to watch her read creepy stories! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCb-gAs8Evw3ht70wTk1TiMA Listen to Alex's newest podcast, Human Seeking Human: https://linktr.ee/humanseekingpod Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello and welcome to episode 102 of Beach to Sandy Water 2 at the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. My name is Alex. I'm Christine and we are so excited for a jam-packed episode today. It's a weird one. I'm nervous for this one. I am as well. And the theme this week was private investigators or private eyes. And that was sent in by Ashley.

Or dicks. Huh? Dicks? Why are you saying that? That's a term that they used for private investigators back in the day. I don't think... Is that true? I mean, now I feel dumb for a moment. I've never heard of that.

Until I Google this. I thought you were calling Ashley a dick. No, unless Ashley's a private investigator. A private dick. A private dick. I think it sounds better if you just use dick. Let's just not use dick at all, actually. It's a thing.

Like, you know, Raymond Chandler stuffler stuff you know back in the day uh do you remember my challenge no my challenge alexander that you gave me you oh private dick was from mars yes and it was to find a review in which someone thought tim allen was in a movie that he's not or wished he was in a movie that he's not. Now that made my day really weird. So thanks for that. Oh, I hope you stumbled on lots of Tim Allen fanfic. The kind that you didn't write though. Let's just say my brain chemistry has been altered forever.

I want to tell, first of all, I want to say a big thank you to Frank X who mailed to my Cincinnati mailbox, mailed me a Dilbert M&M machine, the Dilbert M&M machine. The same one? Is that who stole it when we were children? Yeah, he went to my house. From your bedroom?

Wow. Yeah, I don't really want to accuse Frank of climbing into my bedroom when I was a child. So I'm going to avoid that accusation. But I will say it was, it looks and feels, it brought the same emotions within me that my original Dilbert M&M machine brought. And it definitely still has candy residue inside it. So I don't know who used it but someone put put it to good use and i'm really honored to own it and i just redecorated my entire

podcast studio at my new house and i'm going to put it in a prominent location uh lovely display i see already see the hole in the wall that you like carved out i actually stick it in punched it out but yeah thank you i'm glad i'm glad you appreciate it uh yeah so anyway i don't have anything else to announce do you oh wait do we yes we do what oh we do yeah folks this is a big thing we have for the first time new merch well it's not the first time we have new merch, but it's the first time that we have merch with the slogan, Impeccable Vibes Only. And it should be coming out today when you're listening to this episode,

if you're listening to it when it comes out. You can find it at bit.ly slash beach2sandymerch, and we have restocked the Lunaticatic lunatic left-wing liberal loser merch pins so i'm very excited about this i'm actually gonna buy one for myself because i didn't get one before they sold out and i was really upset um so i'm gonna buy that but anyway so we're really excited about that uh we had a great um we have a great design that they made up for us at dftba i think you guys are gonna like it so that's my only other announcement to hear how you like it um yeah my only announcement is

that i have five stitches in my hand and it hurts right now that is right alexander is almost one finger short this week um yeah the bone saved me the bone stopped the knife from slicing it all off yeah it did its job his finger got a little boo-boo a little ouchy yeah and i facetimed you and blaze and was like what do i do as it was gushing yeah we were sitting and watching cnn election results and i thought to myself wow can things get any worse this week and then alexander uh actually a picture of shanti appeared on my screen since that is his um his call photo caller id photo and i thought if he's facetiming me there must be something awry uh so i answered it and uh man he he said do i need to call an ambulance and i went well let's take stock of what's happening first because now i'm really concerned and he

ended up going to urgent care and getting a bunch of stitches. I called an Uber like the 21st century American I am. I called an Uber because I can't afford an ambulance. Yeah, I was going to say that would have been probably... To urgent care because I can't afford an emergency room. Yeah, and also during COVID, you probably want to avoid the emergency room. Very true. Unless you are, you know...

Good times. So anyway... Good times. avoid the emergency room um very true unless you are you know so anyway uh hopefully that didn't impede his ability to find reviews today that's my official excuse i'm using for this week for everything you finally have an excuse but speaking of the reviews for this week i would like to say something about them based on well based on all basically all of them and a lot of the other ones i read that i'm not reading today i have decided i am not going to include the names of these businesses because i'm scared oh yeah i changed the names of all of mine as well i'm glad you said that i do not want to mess with these private investigators i was i like made some names up because i was like i don't

even want to switch them around to other companies names I'm just like gonna make them up because um I was not about to just throw these people into the public eye when they're clearly meant to be private eyes get it oh good job but um also can I can I read my first one I think I have I think you have one more than I do but can I read my first one because Because where are you going? Hold on. I'm asking if I can read mine, and she's literally inching away, standing up, walking away. She's gone. I needed to light a candle for, you know, just my sanity.

Oh, good vibes. Impeccable vibes only. I need some impeccable vibes in here. Okay, I'm sorry go ahead yeah yeah so i was gonna say uh could i please i'll can i read one first because this is the review that really clinched it that i was like yeah if this happens i'm gonna go ahead and not use real business names. Go for it. Okay. This is of Zandy's Investigation Services. Oh, right. You made them up. Okay.

One star. I called this business hoping to purchase services. The person that answered the phone was vague and monosyllabic, as if afraid to let me know the name of the business or what they do there. Once I was able to get him talking, he quoted me a rate that was several thousands of dollars. I said thanks, but that was out of my price range. His tone suddenly changed, and he told me I could go to a different establishment then. The whole conversation rubbed me the wrong way.

A few weeks later, Google asked me if I wanted to leave a review. So I left a one star review based on that conversation. Shortly after I left that review, I received a phone call from the guy asking me why I did that. It will hurt his business and I should remove the review or make it better. I told him it was super creepy that as soon as I leave a review, I get a phone call from the guy. He said he's a private investigator and what should I expect after leaving that review? I reiterated to him that it was creepy and

I was uncomfortable. After I hung up on him, he texted me asking me to change or remove my review. I'm thoroughly creeped out by all of this and trying to find a way to let Google know about my experience. He asked me to leave a review so he has something to respond to he is correct that i have not actually been a client of his maybe he does the job very well and that's great for him and people who have hired him but this was my experience end of review so the review still lives

so yeah i'm so glad you changed the name of it i don't want to be involved i oh alexander my phone is ringing no don't answer hello zandy's investigation services that's a big joke i don't answer i mean yeah that's the other that's the only comfort level i would have is that i don't ever answer my phone. So you can call me all you want, but we're not going to speak. What is good, though, the business did respond and gave an owner response. I'm not going to... It's pretty short,

but it was basically saying like, I'm sorry that our rate was too high. Hopefully you find what you're looking for elsewhere. Like it wasn't even threatening, vaguely threatening. So they took the original... Oh, they never left an original comment.

They just called the person to harass them and then left a kind comment. Got it. For public facing. Yes. Oh, my gosh. That is frightening. Okay.

So after that, I thought, you know what? I'm going to make it all made up names because I don't want to mess with any of these dicks. Private dicks. the dicks so i i had quite some feelings when i did this um theme because i have an astounding number of connections to pride investigators i it didn't really occur to me until i was doing this um so i did work at an investigations company in burbank california and um i it was one of the best jobs it was like a temp job it started as a temp job and it was one of the best jobs it was like a temp job it started as a temp job and it was one of the best jobs ever um and i did like full-on investigating and then uh they hired me as an actual investigator and then i left shortly after because of the podcast but yeah i uh i worked there

for a while and i that's how we met actually we were long estranged siblings yeah that's right she found me through her investigative work i got a manila folder and it said find this criminal and i did um no i have some crazy stories from that job i'm not gonna tell them obviously and i'm not even gonna say the name of the company but wow that was a time that was quite a time of my life i had so cool i still consider when i was looking through these but i didn't know the name of the company so i didn't bother looking i looked and they don't have any online um but any reviews but oh my gosh it was such a great job it was so fun anyway i love just creeping on people and finding out information on people and yeah so watch out don't leave us a one-star i know i

will find you text you wait we know we did do that once we didn't text them but we did find a person who wrote a really really scary review but they they're not gonna give any more details except the review they left was like really slanderous and like or libelous and was like very wait was that the guy i had an argument with on reddit about veganism and then you fucking found him on you were like who is this guy and he wrote the connection and then yeah i found him but it was this weird stuff about like how alexander like cheated on his girlfriend in north carolina it was like the most random review like some sort of like he accused me of assaulting

someone in a bar yes yes this whole weird thing it's probably still there y'all if you want to see it but um don't make it very uncomfortable to read because i was like wait this is obviously fake to anyone who was like i've never been to north carolina no i did on like the gem trip wasn't that there no was that west virginia in like fifth grade yeah maybe in fifth grade and there was that stop at the bar so it could have actually happened where i did assault a couple people but it was a different time okay anyway so anyway point being i had a lot of feelings going through these and i do kind of miss my my old co-workers so then i thought well where should I look for reviews and Blaze said well what about that private investigator on Nathan for you and I

was like oh my god do you remember that episode yeah I forgot about that so I like I'm sure most people haven't seen that show or that episode um but it's a great show it's like one of my favorite shows um where he helps out this private investigator. And I just want to say I'm not going to read any reviews because it was really awful. All the reviews were basically just quoting the show. But that was the show. That was the episode where Wizard of Loneliness came about. And so that was very close to my heart.

What? I don't know. Wizard of Loneliness. What is that from? Nathan, for you, that episode. But how is it relevant to you? called him he called him the wizard of loneliness i don't remember that oh my gosh okay well it's one of my favorite watch it i thought you were saying like it's close to you because you took on that name or something yes i am also the wizard of loneliness but that's true

but okay i'll sit here we used to text each other you are the wizard of loneliness like a lot like too often after my injury last week i forget a lot of things from my past i see okay well uh instead i went to florida so that was my next best bet this is a review of an investigation place in florida no name one star by die. Can I give no stars? Misinformed, totally unprofessional. He did not do what he promised when he was paid. Over 20 calls later, he apparently blocked me as I could only reach him from other numbers or with my caller ID suppressed. On the last call, he said he was going to send me pictures of his teeth. And so he did after hanging up on me just to mock me end of review

okay who's in the wrong here i can't tell maybe i shouldn't be the one to judge i know i asked blaze i was like is it a thing to send people pictures of your teeth to mock them and he was like i don't i'm gonna go back to great british baking show because i'm not interested in this conversation just play as the expert you go to for questions like that yeah and clearly it doesn't work well maybe the person leaving the review doesn't have any of their original teeth anymore and so no that was where the mockery came in. We're like, look at me with my set of teeth. It could be. But the person, maybe they didn't deserve it. I don't know.

But they were calling from different numbers. Yeah, they were suppressing their caller ID. I mean, that's harassment, by the way. It is harassment. So why did they say at the beginning why they were harassing them um he did not do what he was promised okay that's too vague it's very extremely oh oh sorry it says here he did not collect all the teeth i asked for just kidding i like i have no idea them they're in my mouth thank you for the two thousand dollars i got new teeth out of it i don't know i don't get it i bet i do like that he said i he

threatened to do it over the phone and then guess what he actually did do it like as if that explains it anymore but don't make me send pictures of my teeth i'm just worried that this means something and we just don't get it but but I Googled it and don't Google that, by the way. That is almost always a possibility with us. It's true. That's true. Yeah. I'm glad you Googled it and went that route.

To save everyone else, yeah. Yeah. All right. My next one is Bald Eagles are super cool investigators. This is by daniel one star i first used this company many years ago and their work was satisfactory but now since the owner's divorce with his wife his business has gone downhill. Dysfunctional family life. Dysfunctional business. Due to the lack in professionalism from the company, I stopped using them and have hired a different firm.

Yeah. Oh, no. That's so sad. It got very personal. Yeah. And also, like, why are you airing this guy's dirty laundry on the Internet? Like, geez. And I will say that they used full names.

Oh, yikes. Double yikes. Which kind of, like, when you read it, makes it better. And then when I read it aloud without the full names, it was, like, kind of less impactful. See, this is why you gotta do what I do and, like, completely change every name so that it still feels like, you know what I mean? You're right. Yeah, that's depressing. It's like, you know what i mean you're right yeah that's depressing i it's like you know what they say though what you can help you can help find people's ex-wives

for a career but if you don't find your own wife at home then what's life even for someone put that on a shirt okay cancel all production of impeccable vibes only merch we've got a new quote do you have tba are you listening do you know what i'm calling him right now yes i think i think i know what you're trying to mean do you because i don't so if you could tell me i think i think what you're trying to say is, how can I trust this guy to help me figure out my home situation when he can't control his own home situation? Well, that's a much meaner way to say it. I was more saying to the investigator themselves, like, you know what? You can do your work of helping other people with their marriages till the cows come home comma but

but if you don't you know put that energy into your own life i see it following and taking photos of your wife from afar with a nikon then you're not gonna have a happy life either so you know it's just like a work-life balance yeah work-life balance is what they say it's like i put so much energy into podcasting and speaking here that in my home life yeah i clam up i don't talk you don't talk at all to your shanti painting and it's starting to show um so i think that that that's exactly the representation of my quote thank you for explaining it you're welcome okay so i have a review um of florida pi again not not a real place this is two stars two stars by lorn okay i give them an e for effort end of review that's dangerously close to f that's true that's true and e forever it is

it's not it doesn't impress me much anyone ever ever given that out to someone i mean lorn but that's probably it i mean yes the one you just read yes yeah i knew that one okay that one i remembered i don't know i think um i think it's troubling i would be my feelings would be hurt if i got that review because i'd be like that's so dumb yeah but also mean and also condescending at the same time is that was that one star two okay hmm so f for failure would have been one yeah just find it you want to just go all the way d c b okay yeah i'd rather just get a one star review with no comment than a two star review with that comment with that comment exactly you're right lauren be nicer be better be better

uh this next one is of another bald eagle company this is by liza minnelli okay one star not the not that one common mistake one star i had them follow my ex-husband One star. I had them follow my ex-husband, wiretapped his phone, and placed a GPS tracker on his vehicle. My ex found the tracker. While the owner and I listened in on his phone calls, I got the sense he was aware he was being investigated as I heard him tell his girlfriend he noticed a car following him after picking up our two daughters. I later learned that wiretapping someone's phone is a criminal offense and my ex could press charges against me and sue me for damages

all in all the investigation was not good so i can't recommend this company and oh no i was reading that and i'm like damn is that not illegal can i really hire someone to do that and I'm like, damn, is that not illegal? Can I really hire someone to do that? And then boom. By the way, this is not legal. Yeah, that's like, I think only the government is allowed to do that. And even then, I don't know. I bet there's still some rules that they have to follow. I think there were.

You'd think, but maybe there used to be. I think there used to be which is evidenced by the fact that now alexander and i only get qvc advertisements and i literally got mail from qvc that was addressed to someone else it appeared on my doorstep and i was like oh i didn't order anything and i looked and it said like oh thomas so and so and it was like a neighbor and i was like that's weird I've never gotten his mail before. And then I was like, what's the return address? And it said QVC headquarters. And I was like, oh, no, they're listening.

They're on to you. They're on to me. So anyway, yeah, yikes. I do like that they're listening in on the conversation. And the guy's like, someone's definitely following me. And how awkward would that be and it's creepy that this person's just throwing this out there as a one-star review like it seems really serious and also don't don't give your boyfriend any or husband or whatever any ideas like if you're

posting like he could now sue me it's like don't announce that for him to see and it's ex-husband too like not that that makes it bad this is wrong no matter what but it's not like they're currently in a relationship she's literally wiretapping him and listening into her ex-husband's conversations with his oh no girlfriend not even a secret girlfriend just like no new partner oh god okay that makes it so much worse a gps tracker my gosh oh yeah there's some scary stuff out there folks be careful i honestly when i was reading this i was like man like this is making me nervous who could someone just be tracking me because i'd be totally oblivious and i'm like wait i haven't driven anywhere yeah weeks like they know where i am they know where to find

me yeah they need to serve any documents or whatever you don't knock on my door nowadays it's like you don't really need to track anyone's car to be honest but i mean this was from two months ago so oh oh okay well there were a surprising number of covid like times investigations interesting i was poorly worded but you know what i mean becoming paranoid like i am yeah i mean you get cooped up with someone the moment they leave you're like what could be so important that you left our quarantine hug sinner oh my god sorry you scared the shit out of me what that fucking photo that you sent me earlier of a person eating a candle just appeared in mega size on the screen. I was like looking at, I thought you were looking behind me.

We gotta stop doing this. Skype does this. Don't use Skype for video calls because if you send a chat while you're video calling, it will pop up on the screen. Minute, like 20. That was 28 minutes ago like there's no fucking reason yep i'm sorry it's alexander sent me this picture that someone sent in his discord about eating christine's like uh flavor candles that i was gonna make remember tmtm and it's like this old man like covered in like having eaten it's very scary it's very alarming it just appeared over top of alexander's

face while he was speaking and and the previous pictures were uh thick asparagus um a sexy minion costume lovely minion very wholesome things and then this was just this was really cursed a cursed image um anyway okay moving on let's see this is a review of uh fdr investigations uh this is one one star review by eliza manelli you're so clever one out of five stars is too high in my opinion use these people for a couple years i did polygraphs for sex offender counseling polygraphs are a joke polygraphs don't know everything only god knows everything end of review that's a man that chills down my spine i know this is becoming actually like a really frightening episode if that if that cursed image of that old man eating a candle appeared right now i think i would have actually just

left the room and left the recording i mean between we're incurring the wrath of private dicks and the wrath of god i mean this is we're incurring the wrath of the only people that i don't want to incur the rest of to be fair the only two that's scary this is a scary episode this is more scarier than our halloween episode i feel a little weird about it okay um so this one's a little bit of a mess so bear with me okay that's one of those this is a review of secure as a button uh security company that is very secure this is by gloria one start these guys are scam artists the first company company one consists of bob who was rude short on phone and not personable at all, called another company, Company 2.

They were nice and spent time on the phone, making me feel comfortable. I asked for a one-fidelity question about a certain date. Okay, sorry. For the record, this is a polygraph company, and they're looking to use their services to ask somebody a polygraph question about infidelity, whether or not the person was cheating on them. Okay. He explained how it was better to cover the whole relationship. Even better.

He also explained how not using names was best, as to not exclude anyone. I agreed and set appointment. He was rude to my hubby, who obviously was not happy to be there and could have been made to feel better with kind words. Next, he says, pay me and explains briefly about admissions. You'll only find out what he discloses and only if he signs your name on paper, which I did not see. After the test, he told me there were no admissions. This was a lie. There were two minor things as I heard most of the interview and exam around the corner. My hubby told me about them, but they did not confirm with me and took husband's word in exam that I knew. Husband could have lied.

Then I was told he passed. I found out days later that he had only asked about the marriage six months not the entire relationship three and a half years as agreed and use my name which would not exclude other glorious common name for a female uh-huh are you following this kind of vaguely okay vaguely basically gloria i feel like i'm being dragged a little bit i'm dragging you through this against my will i warned you so gloria reached out to two companies second company was better but they're in the same building apparently got it um so gloria brought her husband in because she believed her husband was cheating on her. Yeah. Husband was not happy to be there.

And Gloria, apparently beforehand, was told, oh, yeah, we would ask about the entire relationship. And we would leave names out of it, specifically, like name or something. And then when the test actually happened, she's now claiming, well, they didn't ask about the whole relationship. They only asked if he was cheating on me in the six months right and they used her name so i assume they said are you cheating on gloria which might mean doesn't exclude other glorias that would be a quite a loophole though could you imagine cheated on gloria with other glorias and then it's like i can pat i can pass this test with flying colors yeah exactly okay it's not done yet it's almost over he did not give me what i agreed and he told me he would for five hundred dollars cash he was then very rude to me telling me i have trust issues

well they didn't come from nowhere hence the test when i asked why he changed from what he first told me he just kept saying he passed so why does it matter they lied to me and got 500 why would i trust them completely unethical and not at all when you pull up that sentence just ended that wasn't my mistake i love it when you pull up to building it says company one which had bad reviews but it is also company two and the polygraph place they are all different names examiners and phone numbers same address should have been a red flag as these guys all work together and the multiple names are from bad reviews i will remove this review for a refund of four hundred. You keep $100 for your time. This test was a sham and you did not deliver

as told. End of review. Oh my god. Yeah. So what happened? Is she still married? Oh, I don't know. I kind of hope not for everyone involved. What a cliffhanger. They don't sound too happy, anyone in here. Including the test givers.

I love that even they were like, hey hey i think you just have trust issues like we literally do this for a living but like we're gonna call you specifically out and say you have trust issues i swear i've read that one before i i sounded like i just pulled this out of nowhere i this was uh it hurts my head every time. Yeah, it hurt ours too, so thanks for that. Oh, boy. Okay, well, I have a review of Stick It To Him Investigations. This is one star by Paul.

My gut tells me I can't trust this lady. One point for picking up the phone late at night, though. Thanks, but no thanks end of review whoa and she responded like um hi okay like if you need services like let me know it was really odd it was really odd my gut tell maybe he's oh maybe he's interviewing for the to work there. Maybe. That must be it. Sorry.

Someone just knocked on my door. Oh, wait. Seriously? I'm not even kidding. I think it might have been a package. It probably was because they haven't knocked again. This is the end. Is it from QVC?

Because I will literally lose it. It might be. It might be. I'm not going to check. I'm not going to check. Sorry. Rewind. Rewind. Most of the negative reviews were about how these places didn't answer the phone or didn't

answer the phone properly yeah so he calls her late at night she answers the phone and then he goes my gut tells me something's off and i'm like yes she was probably like in the bubble bath or like sleeping there's not really you're kind of catching her off guard you know but i lost her love thanks but no thanks nice try lady they sound like a narrator in one of those old detective movies. Hmm. My gut was telling me something was off about this dame. I say dame once a month at this rate. I say that in this podcast.

No, in this podcast. You do? Ew. Not like in my day-to-day life. Well, this is a part of your day-to-day life. This is at least my third time saying the word dame okay she was all legs you know how i do that whole thing never mind this is like the first time it's relevant i hate it i hate it very much thanks though for that well i'm

i'm feeling it today so that's our view of that place that i already forget the fake name of uh stick it to them stick it to them this next review is of the buck stops here investigative services this is by chad one star what is this one oh this one jesus this one felt pretty relevant to me this week i was in the area on monday September 11th, just before noon. Did not have a great experience. I walked in, was not greeted by anyone behind the desk. Walked up to the counter to sign myself in. After looking at the signs to see what I needed to do.

The two women behind the counter were having a personal conversation that I had to interrupt to ask a question about what I needed to do from there. When I was called up to go get fingerprinted, the woman who was leading me away to fingerprint me said to her coworker something like, I hope I don't start bleeding profusely. I was stunned enough to not ask where she may be bleeding profusely from. Oh, oh, that's not really. Okay, really okay sure yeah it's not like a normal thing to ask anyway yeah you don't have to be stunned into not saying that you probably shouldn't just shouldn't ask that you probably shouldn't say it right yeah but none of this should have really

happened i realized right away when she started fingerprinting me that she had a band-aid on her finger that she was using to touch my hands in retrospect i wish i'd asked for someone else to fingerprint me instead because it's very disgusting to think about but i let her do it more personal conversations ensued between her and a different co-worker over my head i was barely acknowledged while i was there this felt like a very unprofessional environment and I don't think I would come back here if I needed to. I would strongly suggest that if anyone has any bleeding wounds on their hands, they should not be fingerprinting anyone else, much less announcing it to a lobby full of

customers. I provided this feedback directly to the company a week ago and never received a response end of review oh no she bled out she's dead company clothes not too long after Alexaner is this like too close to home for you is that why you said it was relevant yeah because you definitely sliced your finger off and then I guess fingerprinted somebody and lately I've been shaking a lot of hands specifically with my left hand and I've been bleeding profusely for everybody it's so weird especially during covid you suddenly got the urge to shake everyone's hand all the time yeah it's so true you never did before but now you say dame and you shake everyone's hand with your left hand it's very weird and call myself a dick a private dick see yeah that's that's also weird hey dame you you got legs okay that's this is enough

the only i promise the only person i bled all over this in the past week was the pa who stitched me up and the dish towel that r.i.p oh god yeah i let them keep it ew well you let them keep it they asked me if i wanted to take it home and i said no no no take it as a souvenir because she was like you're the bad boy of podcasting aren't you and i'm like oh please yeah if that happened we would have all heard about it like the two minutes later so i don't believe that for a minute would you like a souvenir how about this bloody dish towel gross yeah this this episode is definitely the most disturbing we've done in a long time i'm uncomfortable but it's my own fault so oh i know okay this is a place called uh pa investigations this is a one-star review by pete

wow just wow i was away from the home and my girlfriend hired this guy to investigate for spy stuff. Of course there is nothing in the house so this is what I came home to. One, a light socket cover unscrewed that is terribly difficult to screw back on. Two, my internet is down. He had basically just plugged random cables into my router but get this the two ends of a single ethernet cable were plugged into the same router so after about a half an hour i fixed the internet two light bulbs microchip light bulbs were removed from my kitchen so i had to get my ladder that this guy had used and left open and just sitting in my garage four we have pictures of spy devices such as my sprinkler rain sensor and motion

detector driveway light wait what we have pictures of spy devices such as my sprinkler rain sensor okay whatever five i found an led bulb that he had cut open i supposed to check for microchips avoid like the plague and now here's the response from owner ready yes i'm so ready don't cheat on your spouse or girlfriend and she won't have a reason to call us to search your house for hidden cameras my advice is always free end of response okay everyone here love wonderfully petty. Truly. Damn, though, honestly, that would make a good challenge, or would have, I guess. Find a review of a private investigator by a person who was being investigated.

Oh, there are a few of those. That was so impressive that you found that. I didn't find any of those. Oh, thank you. Yeah, I was very surprised because I saw all these different activities happening, and then I realized it was the guy. Yeah, the Target. Yeah. Honestly, that's the best kind of review. I'm kind of amazed that the guy even knew.

They did such a bad job. I don't want to say they did a bad job, but I guess maybe they did. It did such a not secretive job that the guy even knows what company it was. It wasn't like, oh, somebody looked through my light bulbs. It was like, I know exactly what company this was. That's why it's the best kind of review. Because if you're reading reviews of a private investigator. Oh, true.

And it says, oh, they were caught investigating. That's not what I want. Right. That's a good point. That defeats the whole purpose. It's like, yeah, they were parked in my driveway. And I saw the name of their company on the side of the car like it's so it seems just like so blatant that you'd have to be so bad at it but i do love that they're so bad at their job that they

get caught doing it and then their response is well don't well don't cheat on your girlfriend which i agree with but at the same time like you just got caught doing a shitty job like if you're gonna unplug someone's router like don't plug two ends back into the same thing so wait how did they i don't know this world did they break in like is this legal no i assume what i assume happened is that the partner hired this company to come to their house to okay so like they probably live together i assume their shared place and say like can you check out to see if there are any bugs or hidden cameras or spy equipment which also if you're doing i'm sorry like not to be um speak out of line but if you were having to hire somebody to

come in and like take apart like literally cut open the light bulbs because you don't trust your partner that much like yeah oh that must be a rough home life you have no i'm with you quilliam did that to me recently did he yeah that's my large stuffed hedgehog if you don't know well have you looked closely into shanti's eyes on the wall behind you because it looks like there's a red light coming out of it. No, you're right though. That seems... But also, why would you spend so much money and not just do it yourself? Just get some quality stuff and just hide it. Yeah. If the job entails pulling the cords out of a router and putting them in the wrong spot, I could definitely do that for half the price if anyone needs me. Okay. Good to know. thank you um you probably know the habits of your partner better than this company i would hope

and so you would know not to use his ladder and like leave bulbs out and you know like it just seems so sloppy so why don't i know and like there was one there's one light switch plate that was too hard to put back on so so they just left it out. It's like, really? It just seems like such a mess. Well, that's probably exactly what it was, so yeah. Oh, boy. Oh, my gosh.

This is time for my challenge now. I'm so excited for this. You shouldn't be. Okay. Because you're going to regret this. Mars, thank you for this. Mars said, find your view in which someone thought Tim Allen was in a movie that he's not or wishing he was in a movie that he's not. So this was extremely difficult, first of all, because I guess I'm the only one who has this very specific neural misfiring problem where I do tend to think that tim allen is many people that he's not

apparently that's just me no surprise there okay got it sure cool good to know so the first thing i did i was at remicade so i was on shared wi-fi and i accidentally forgot to go incognito when i searched the phrase i miss tim allen and that has caused a lot of chaos that and qvc has really caused a lot of chaos on my browser wait is he dead no why did he's not dead why did you google i miss tim allen because he hasn't been in a movie in like 10 years or something oh really okay yeah sorry that i didn't notice you would notice my mistake i didn't notice until i googled okay so i googled okay i clearly didn't notice because i thought he was in every blockbuster hit that has come out every year you got me there so no but when i started researching this it was like

all the articles were like where did tim allen go like what is he up to is will he ever act again and all this stuff and um so I started searching I Miss Tim Allen to see like and that actually got me almost all of my wow reviews yeah because it took a lot because I tried typing in like I thought Tim Allen was in this none of that worked but I Miss Tim Allen seemed to work because i found people who wished he was in movies so this is people basically i found i found my people and then i quickly ran away and changed my name and identity and never came back so that should tell you a thing or two i'm so excited okay so this is a review of fred claus what he's in that right no that's the point is he's not oh he's not in that's what if it's my challenge he's in the santa claus yes exactly so this is a review of fred claus sorry sorry

on iwatchstuff.com so this is the only one that, like, word for word completes the challenge. Every time Vince Vaughn grows an under-eye bag, an angel gets its wings. Watching the Fred Claus trailer, it's hard for me not to do a balancing act like some sort of well-hung Lady Justice with 20-20 vision. Thanks, LASIK. On one side, you've got Vince Vaughn, Paul Giamatti, Kevin Spaceyy the director of wedding crashers and an apparent lack of tim allen on the other you've got a christmas movie with elves and people falling down in the trailer to bash it or not to bash it which way will the scale swing at tough times like these i always turn to onanism my only true friend end of review fucking movie no movie reviewers are the weirdest people in the world what the fuck is that about that much i learned pretty quickly uh so the word

onanism this is no longer a family-friendly podcast isn't an only like a a type of ghost i don't know it is but i've never heard of that But Onanism is the formal term for, let's just say, self-gratification. Oh, really? So essentially he's saying at tough times like these ones. Lots of gifts. Sure. Okay. Wink.

Yeah. So I guess he's saying he doesn't know how to rate Fred Claus. So instead he's going to have a little fun with himself. I don't know. It was just not a good thing for me to read and while thinking of tim allen i guess and missing i missed it's relatable so not to me to be clear not to be okay now i then i started. And this, obviously, I was also getting a literal infusion and the nurse had to come get my blood pressure like every half hour and would always be like, what are you doing?

And every time she does this, I'm always on Yelp. She must think I'm like an elite Yelper or something. Did you tell her the new word you learned? I didn't. Good. That's for the best okay oh you never know this is an article called now this is just this is just a fun fact these are some fun facts for you it's called 25 secrets about the santa claus revealed from e-online and i have to do this to you i have to i'm not gonna stop because i had to read it and spend waste so many minutes and hours of my life on this that you have to as well no i'm excited for this

so like this is just the beginning okay here's one of the fun facts about the santa claus casting real children as the north pole's elves proved a bit challenging for tim allen who is known to improvise on set you didn't want the kids around when tim got going cruisin said he would go on these hilarious rants streaked through with obscenity this led to production pulling their star away for the occasional time out when he seemed too close to cursing so um apparently tim allen is not good with kids so that's not a surprise at all okay and this is i love that he had to go into time out haha yeah i feel like it

was worse than they're letting on yeah the star of the movie had to be put in time out like there's a sign that he was doing more than like just cursing like yeah apparently he has a somewhat of a problematic past which i didn't look too too deeply into, but... You didn't want the facade to break. I didn't. That's exactly right. So instead I just read secrets about the Santa Claus. Here's one more. The original script was much darker, with Scott actually shooting Santa Claus as he believed he was a robber.

Originally I shot him, Tim Allen revealed. And DreamWorks CEO Jeffrey Katzenberg was adamant, we can't start a movie like that, Tim. End of that fun fact. So Tim Allen wanted to shoot Santa Claus. Looks very Tim Allen. Original. So that's that.

That just gives you a little idea of... It's funny, they interviewed Santa Claus later, and Santa Claus said, yeah, i wanted to shoot tim allen but they wouldn't it goes both ways tim yeah so that uh that led me to something that i consider to be worse worse than the cool cruisers forums no and these are the s Claus 4 forums. No, no, no. Specifically for the fourth movie? Yes, so there is no fourth movie. And that is why these forums exist.

Oh. Yeah, so I... Like they want it that badly? Yeah, yeah. That someone's paying for a domain? And I know it's not that much to run a domain financially. But still. More than zero amount.

It's more than zero amount. That's exactly right. So I'm just going to read to you here the description here on the top of this forum. Santa Claus 4? Note. If you've arrived here looking for information about Disney's The Santa Claus 4, I'm sorry to disappoint, but I have no such news. However, I would like to ask that you at least give your opinion of a fourth movie

by voting in the poll I have created. To date, this page has been searched and viewed over 95,000 times. Hopefully, with enough votes, maybe someone from disney studios will see this and choose to make another movie so whether you like or even read my movie concept below for a fourth santa claus movie please vote now here are the polls no no no wait don't tell me you're gonna read this concept uh no i'm not gonna read the concept okay it's very long for themselves no yeah this is just the poll though should disney make santa claus four option one there's five options yes but only with tim allen

yes even if tim allen doesn't no not without tim allen which it seems like the same as one okay uh and four no not interested in. And five, undecided. So obviously, I think we can all guess that the top answer was yes, but only with Tim Allen. Yeah. I think that's a pretty fair poll. Even though that third or fourth, whatever the one was, no, not without Tim Allen. That was a little questionable. Yeah.

It seems, yeah. At least it gives options. I would say. I would say. I would say. And when he wrote It's Seen 90,000 Times, that was like several years ago. So I imagine it's been viewed many, many more times since then. Yeah. Let's hope.

So I'm just going to read a couple of, let's hope. I'm going to read a couple of the comments just to like give you an idea of like what people are missing. Like this is when it becomes like I miss tim allen i want him in this movie that doesn't yet exist if that makes sense yes so this is a comment by cat idk i really want tim allen as santa claus and plus it has been my favorite movie since like kindergarten they should totes make santa claus four and plus there's still the baby i want to know what happens to her hey guys hashtag and tag tim allen on twitter like this hashtag tim allen for sc4 let's make this hashtag popular so tim sees it uh so then someone commented like yes i've tagged him over and over again and i was like oh no

apparently not shockingly um this is a comment by sam i hope he don't mind but after seeing this again i just put up to some guts and found tim allen on twitter and sent him the link of this website with all of your great ideas i hope it helps cross my fingers hope you talented guys out here get what you asked for super great last santa claus for movie wink face yeah so then it sums it up pretty well i think that's i mean he does say what we were all thinking to be to be fair so now there's one more comment by Janelle. Please bring Tim Allen back and be in the new movie by next year, December 2014 in Santa Claus 4. December 2014? I like didn't have a grasp of when this was.

I forgot just how long ago. Seven years later, I wonder what Janelle's up to. Tim Allen, you are the greatest actor in Santa Claus movies. Please come back. We, the world, need you and love watching and seeing you act in those kind of movies for the children. Please do it for the children, Tim Allen. Oh, no. That didn't work.

This makes me so sad. Okay. Please do it for the children tim allen please think about the children tim please frown face oh and i'm going christina what is happening in this world so i do love that they said that tim allen's the best actor in the santa claus movies he had a lot of stiff competition um wow oh my god i almost peed myself okay okay so now alexander the last thing i have for you is actually some comments that uh Okay, so now, Alexander, the last thing I have for you is actually some comments that actually did mention thinking Tim Allen was in a movie that he wasn't in. Okay.

So I'm going to... Can we do like a little screen, right? Can we do a role play of reading this back and forth? Yes. Okay, I'm sending it to you via Skype, so don't be alarmed when it appears. I will be. Okay. Tell me when you get it. You're A and I'm sending it to you via Skype, so don't be alarmed when it appears. I will be. Okay. Tell me when you get it.

You're A and I'm C. Okay. Do I have to read it first or do I just go in blind? No, no, no. Just go as we go. Okay, okay. Yeah, yeah. C, says.

Do I have to say A says whenever I say anything? No, no, no. Okay. Sorry, no. I'm just introducing my character. I'm over here referencing Tim Allen movies and you're referencing The Odyssey. What Tim Allen movie? Isn't that who plays Tootsie?

No, isn't that Robin Williams? No, isn't that who plays Mrs. Doubtfire? It's Dustin Hoffman. My God, Tim Allen, Christina? So wait, it's Woody Harrelson? No, Dustin Hoffman. But they look... No, they don't look alike.

None of them look alike. They all look like Jude Law to me. Now that was from episode 60 of Me, She, Cindy, Love, or Do It. Oh god, this happened, didn't it? Fucking Tootsie. Oh my god. I think my favorite part is that We're such idiots.

You said it's Dustin Hoffman, Christina, and then i said oh so woody harrelson okay i've christina it made no sense like reading this aloud from a script it made zero sense unfortunately it was the reality of what happened that's the worst verbatim what happened verbatim and i couldn't even read it normally because i'm like no one would say this but we actually said that okay well i have two more for you of these weird scripts yeah oh my lord this one's from episode 74 okay oh this is a long one yeah god this is all of them did you go back and find these yeah yeah i did mom sent me a picture of our vhs copy of a bug's life and said remember this was your favorite movie when you were little and i told her yeah it's on netflix now and i watched it like a month ago you did not yeah i

did is that the one with tim allen remember how i think everything has tim allen wait is he the voice of oh yeah okay actually for once wait hold on is he the voice of... Oh, yeah! Okay, actually, for once... Wait, hold on. Is he the voice of Grasshopper? Alexander, I don't think so. I think I'm wrong once again. Oh, shit, it's Kevin Spacey. Oh, that makes sense. Alexander, I have once again inserted Tim Allen into a movie in which he does not belong.

Why do you always do this? I don't know. I don't know. Oh, I know what I'm thinking of. I'm thinking of the Bee movie. I thought that was Jerry Seinfeld. Hold on. Damn it.

Before you say it, he's also not in Ants. Christina, this is a problem. Now that it's all in front of us happening. Okay, is there another one you said? There's one more. It's shorter, and this is from episode 89. Oh my god, you do have a problem i know the theme is lighthouses in the state of maine i'm excited about this one me too i was gonna watch the movie the lighthouse before this to be prepared what is that is that a horror movie it's willem dafoe oh yeah i that. And what's his face? Oh, yeah, Tim Allen. So that's the ultimate collection of people thinking that Tim Allen is in things that he's not, which is just me. Always me.

Only me forever. And for the record, that last Tim Allen was Robert Pattinson. Yeah, that's right. That's right. Very different. It looks a little like Woody Harrelson, but not quite. Unless I'm wrong again, then we can quote this in this in the month it'll keep going it's like a never-ending circle so anyway that was your that was your punishment to you and Mars for making me do that we deserve it we deserve it oh what a great challenge though I had uh I would say fun but it certainly wasn't it was more just like really um

questioning life's purpose you know we gotta take notes from the mcelroy brothers and do a tim allen will be in santa claus for oh what's my what if we did like woody harrelson will be like make it more of a challenge like woody harrelson will be in santa claus for no doubt about it and have the picture of the podcast be of Tim Allen like Tim Allen's face but we'll say what he's calling Woody Harrelson the entire time the only problem is I will somehow some way get Jude Law involved because you know I do think everyone is Jude Law so maybe we should just cut the bullshit and say Jude Law will be in Santa Claus 4. Let's cut the bullshit. That's what we do here best. It's what we're known for.

Yes, absolutely. Anyway, so that's that. That is that. That is something. All right. All right. We're here with a theme and challenge for next week. Our theme comes from Cheyenne, who says, As COVID has rightfully shut down most of the country,

my home state of South Dakota has, for the most part, remained open. So apparently there are a lot of tourists headed to South Dakota. Maybe for once. I don't know. It's your moment. Our theme for next week is tourist locations in South Dakota. Okay. And there's an example review.

I haven't read it. I haven't even looked at it. So in case you want to use it, we'll figure out. But I know it's of the world's only Corn Palace. Oh, my God. So we've got some good stuff coming our way. That is the perfect example to get me fired up for this theme. Cheyenne also says,

if you ever need someone to take you to a Walmart in Sioux Falls South Dakota hit me up oh I think we've both been banned you know or as dad would say Sioux Falls but uh okay I have a challenge for you and I'm going to uh listen I went back to the source back to the source of my pain this is an email from Mars who sent multiple challenges. And one of her challenges, aside from the Tim Allen one, was to find a review where an employee unintentionally or maybe intentionally scared the customer. And then she also added and possibly dropped or broke something in the process. Love it. So just like an employee scared a customer.

I think that could be interesting. You startled me oh i've been scared before probably in a store yeah i've i've never been scared before actually well not except not like 50 minutes ago when that yeah that was actually the first time and it was horrible now you know how it feels every time i see you pop up on skype i thought i'd been scared before but then when this episode happened i realized i actually had never been scared before now it's here this is the real frightened frightening um oh alexander stop sending me skype emojis they're really creepy looking yeah i know everyone thank you for listening thanks for being here blah blah blah see you at the corn palace see you there