Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 105: Reviews of Target

Episode Date: December 2, 2020

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. hello hello welcome welcome to podcast we read podcast about beach to sandy water to wet podcast where we read the worst reviews the most dramatic fashion my name is alex and i'm christine welcome to the show This is episode 105 in which we are discussing reviews of Target. I was about to do that. Really? Target. Do you want to go first? As we enter

the holiday season, consumerism abounds. Unfortunately. And considering we said we were socialists, I guess we have to stick to our new agenda yes uh which is I'm sticking to that one I'd like to think for a while okay great so here are some reviews of target this is why I'm a professional podcaster um okay so the first one I have Zandy is uh a post on reddit it's like the target subreddit and somebody i'm not in there what i need that yeah i probably need it too it seems like it would be a fun place to be this was posted by reddit user terrific horror and it's a one-star review by monica this target wait wait sorry it's so it is a review but you happen to find it on oh apologies

yes sorry it is okay yes this is a yelp review and somebody on the target subreddit said are we posting reviews in here or like you know is that a thing we do here okay good i want i can't wait share this one star view by monica this target is a very short drive away from me through the tunnel but its convenience cleanliness and late hours are its best qualities. Customer service is the worst thing about this Target, not to mention that it's constantly picked over. I've experienced the following here, all on separate visits. While browsing through the cosmetics, one of Target's beauty advisors walked up to me and asked if I needed help with anything. I was wearing an AFI tee that i had just bought at the afi show i went to the

night before the advisor said surprisingly snottily oh that's an afi tea this person just wants to be victimized it sounds like okay i don't know what's gonna happen next but i'm i feel like i'm um in a like a local theater play and i they're like say it's snottily and i'm like i'm trying i don't know how the advisor said surprisingly snottily oh that's an afit you must have gone to the show i can tell that's That's their new album. With a negative emphasis on the word new. I've been an AFI fan since I was a high school freshman. I'm 26 now, and the show featured one song from their new album. So fail on her part in her attempt to be a smartass. And if those advisors earn some kind of special commission other than their target pay well double fail on her part because i refused her help after that comment

end of review yeah like i said they want they came in there wearing that shirt thinking oh if anyone talks to me about afi's new album not being perfect i just think they're not getting their commission my favorite comment was the person who said i don't get it like in the subreddit being like i don't get it like it's just because there shouldn't be anything to get like and then someone wrote imagine being so insecure about your music taste that like i mean really this is just the most wild thing can you imagine you're just like oh that's from their new album right and then this person's just like fuck you you know what fuck you Megan you're not doing doing AFI fandom any favors no certainly not that way come on that's the

weirdest thing ever like I just imagine if somebody bought um I don't know, the new and that's why you drink merch at atwwdmerch.com and wore it and they were like, oh, that's from the new collection, isn't it? You're not an original fan. We have our own podcast with our own merch that you can talk about. Yeah, but we didn't release a new collection. Oh, I guess we sort of did. We literally recently had a new sweatshirt come out.

But no, i see what you mean because with and that's why we drink it's more like there have been more time and more items where you can see oh you have the early stuff that's sold out or oh you got you got the original shirts that's uh that everyone gets because now everyone loves that i say that as if i liked it before everyone else did any of those things actually happen which they do not but you can pretend that yeah i just love that like they explain like haha jokes on you because only their show only had one song from the new album it's like wow you really made her feel like a fool huh like the lady knew there was a show last night like she's probably a fan i don't get it

i feel like this is the thing as a fallout boy fan i feel like this is a thing fallout boy people do too of like oh i listened to their b-side tracks from 2005 back in chicago and i'm like i hope that's the last time you ever say as a fallout boy fan on this show. I know you are. Nothing wrong with it, but that phrase just gave me the heebie-jeebies for some reason. I expect something really not good after that. I met this lady. I'm not going to name names, but she was like, I love Fall Boy. I'm a huge fan. I've been obsessed with them for a long time.

She's like, like well how long and i was like um i don't know like 2005 like freshman year in high school much like this afi person and she was like oh well i actually heard about them in 2004 and i went to like one of their underground shows in chicago and i was like well you're 10 years older than me so that's probably why you were allowed to do an underground show in Chicago. Anyway, okay, let's move on. Wait, did I ever tell you that? No, we're not moving on.

Okay. Did I tell you about the time my driving instructor said he came in and he said, hey, I found the CD in the back of the car, like the driving car that every kid uses? The driving car. Got it. I didn't know which kind of car. The driving test car or like the driving car that every kid uses the driving car got it i didn't know the driving test car or like the practice car whatever um he's like i found the cd i don't know i don't know what it is it says uh fall out boy it might be a porno but uh i might i'm gonna throw it in for you anyway and we're all like 15 and someone's like no that's a band that's a band he's like oh okay good yeah well let's throw it in here it was like some weird music video on some dvd it was a dvd he also told us he wants his

when he dies he wants us to scatter his ashes on like the pebble beach golf course so we never did that weird build okay did we go to the same driver's ed in that weird house where mom was like okay go upstairs of this house and i'll see you later no mine was in the base in a basement i went to this place and oh i heard of your stories yeah it was in the second floor of this man's house they sold us candy yes my mom literally was like okay go upstairs in this house and i was like can i have three dollars for m&ms and she's like here you go and then i went in for driver's ed it was the street i'm pretty sure i still don't know how to drive because i don't think that that was an episode there's some probably wild reviews in what oh we should have one we should do driver's ed i can just write all of the reviews

because wow it was an experience anyway sorry your turn where Where were we? Oh, yeah, Target. This is a two-star review by Luigi of Target in Minot, North Dakota. I looked up how to say Minot, and I watched a lovely tour through the city of Minot. It was a nine-minute long video, and I watched the whole thing. How nice. Someone who was stationed at the air force base there uh gave a nice tour and how lovely it was a very nice town so shout out to all our listeners in minot north dakota i'm watching doubt and abby right now and i sometimes i just right now i'm trying to read a review to you i'm on the phone i'm not talking to you. I'm watching Downton Abbey and talking to my friend.

And by friend, I mean mom. That takes place in Minot, doesn't it? I'm watching Downton Abbey. Why did you bring that up? I'm watching Downton Abbey and I sometimes think like, wow, if only they had the internet. Okay. Okay. It's going nowhere but i think like you literally watched a tour of minot south dakota and i'm just thinking like can you imagine

lady grantham was like watching a tourist video i don't know who that is christina but i feel the same way because i was i was watching that video and i was like wow how cool would it be if the people in Minot, North Dakota got internet too? If Lady Grantham in North Dakota. Yeah. I mean, they just got a refrigerator in the episode I watched. I thought you meant in Minot. They got one communal refrigerator.

That's what the tour was for. It's actually a refrigerated train car that stopped by briefly there's a refrigerated train car that stopped by at the expo it was carrying the body of abel i quit we're 11 minutes into this like we've been recording for 11 minutes and we have done one review if you're new this is not where you get pretty bad i'm so sorry please don't leave us yet don't leave us quite yet um this is a two-star review by luigi okay Luigi okay I slipped out of my vehicle and landed on a cat that was skedaddling

on the road target needs to hire pest control or something because the cats i'm sorry i don't know if there's also i don't know if there's a um like a verified way to spell skedaddling but i don't think it's however this person how did they spell it they spelled s-k-i-d-A-D-D-L-E-I-N-G. That's certainly not correct. I don't know if anything's correct, but it's not that. I, um, yeah, that's what I was wondering about. He stepped on the cat? They, quote, landed on a cat.

They slipped out of their vehicle and landed on a cat. What? I think that's why this cat was skedaddling because you landed on it oh my god i've never heard of such a thing can you imagine walking like he just broke his back on the ice he's like you he filled out a customer complaint form to ask for better pest control that's the strangest thing i've ever heard oh my god okay wow that's the way that's probably one of the weirdest things i've ever heard okay i have a one-star view by fran i didn't figure out i didn't write down where these targets were

so apologies this is the worst experience i have ever had shopping an employee there named keith is very rude and nasty i left the store for 10 minutes and returned i left my cart and the merchandise in the cart i returned and asked keith who was cleaning the carts if he saw my stuff keith responded with a nast attitude and walked away. Remember hashtag nast? No. Was that a thing? That was a thing in an episode.

I think it was antique stores. I don't remember. Oh, I thought you meant like the trend of doing that on Twitter. I'm pretty sure when we did the episode, we said it was a trend and it was not. Hashtag nast. It was trending after our episode. I see. Yes, we created the trend.

Keith responded with a nast attitude and walked away. Spoke to security, Eric, and he refused to tell me the employee's name, even though Keith had a name badge on and covered it up after our discussion. All employees at Target have name... Sorry. All employees at Target... They have names? I printed my notes out, which Alexander likes to make fun of,

but I printed it double-sided, so I have to turn the paper over. I thought they were just soulless beings floating from store to store that didn't bother to get any names. No, never identified. That's why I treat them like crap as a customer. All employees at Target have name badges. When I met Jesse, the manager, he told me he would speak to Keith about his unprofessional behavior. I asked Jesse for the district manager's name, and he told me he could not tell me his last name, only his first name, Mike.

End of review. Okay, this person has a death note thing or whatever we're just writing these people's names in and my favorite is that the names are like mike keith bill they're all fake um also i love that she's like i demanded to know his name he didn't tell me even though keith had a name badge on and i was like wait a second you know his name why are you demanding his name i I don't understand. I think this person just clearly knows everyone's name, but wants to hear it from everyone.

I need you to tell me. I need to hear it from you. Eric, I need you to tell me about Keith's name. Because what if Keith is lying about his name? Is your story straight? Did you two meet and tell each other what fake names you were using? Yeah, they're covering their badges up, apparently.

True. I also wanted to add one more thing, which was that I think it got glossed over by all the name bamboozling. But there was a part where Fran said, I left the store for 10 minutes and I left my cart and all the merchandise in it. And when I returned, I asked Keith where it was. That was a big problem, right right that's where it all started is that she literally left for 10 minutes which as we know usually double it in yelp speak so like left for 20 30 minutes came back and couldn't find her cart of merchandise that she just like casually left in the store yeah and then escalated it all or tried to escalate it all the way to the district

manager because you left your cart in the store for 10. Why would they, why would they care? What would they do for you? I love that Keith's probably not covering up his name cause he's in trouble, but because he's like, this person's clearly unhinged and I'm actually worried about my safety. And wants to know my last name too and everything.

I mean, I don't know maybe maybe the district manager is some sort of sherlock holmes character that can find the missing cart and that's why they escalated it is that what this is all about right a missing cart with merchandise that they have not paid for put it back on the shelves yeah yeah they just haven't paid for their items and left the cart there. What? Well, I think what you don't understand is that she needed to get an oil change and her coupon was expiring at 5 p.m. And the Valvoline next door was, you know.

That explains everything. It's pretty close. Yeah. Okay. My next one is of a Target in St. Louis Park, Minnesota. This is by Blaine. One star. soda this is by blaine one star target at this location decided that a single tube of chapstick or bert's bees was non-profitable and only offers skus with two or three inside they will now suffer

from my one star review for not offering a realistic product to a lip-chapped individual minnesotan end of review oh goodness and they suffered they did they closed down a week later they did not yeah they were like blaine i thought we stopped inviting you to the council meeting town council meetings because every week you come in with some sort of ridiculous complaint i mean i don't know this is just this is so silly to say like sure complain that they don't offer individual tubes of chapstick fine like just complain about it but to go so far as to say they will suffer for my one star review this is not some sort of justice for yeah party it's like a vigilante i would say um but i i'm kind of glad let's just keep pretending like um blaine's efforts are working because i'm afraid

that if somebody tells him hey here's how you really get revenge in the real world that like something terrible would happen every time he can't you know moisten his lips stop making me think of blaine's moistened lips you brought them to the table yeah and i've been thinking about him all night so i'm just ever since to get them out of my brain okay well i'll take them off your hands oh yeah um wow that's pretty good that's pretty good um i do wish i lived in a world i wish i lived in blaine's world blaine's world you know blaine's world blaine's world i wish i lived in blaine's world because in blaine's world now i'm just distracted by myself i was gonna say tell me what what happened in blaine's world uh you know make sure it's funny whatever you do say hang on

let me think of it this has to count maybe i'll have to go back to the drawing board give me a second let me rewrite it wait you literally have a drawing board what are you yeah ads on air hang on oh my god my dry erase marker dried out um okay forget it i have no idea what i was gonna say i'm sure it was very good though it was i i bet i bet the listeners came up with some good ideas so they'll they'll tweet at you and say you should have said this in the moment i love that i love when people do that isn't that fun in the shower tomorrow you'll like come up with it and just blurt it out next week i'll blurt out blaine's moistened lips jesus okay anyway this is a review okay this was sent in by lael and it is an email so we got a ton of

emails and my dumb ass didn't even check until like way later after i'd already found some so um i think we'll have to save them most of them for a future episode or maybe like a between you and us or something um but so this is one that i did take from Lael. And this is a Target in Union, New Jersey. So one star view by B. Oh, by the way, it's all capital letters. Wait, wait, wait. Of Burt's fame? Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. It's all coming together. B is like, oh, my God. I used to sell these individual chapsticks to Target. And then this guy named Blaine bought all of them out. Now I'll only sell three packs. What a tale. What a tale. Awful customer service was harassed by their mask security.

Sorry. Oh my god. Batman? I thought it was mask security, but it means mask security for COVID. Oh, okay. I thought Batman worked there or something. I did too. I was like, that's not security.

That's a villain. Be careful. Awful customer service was harassed by their mask security twice. Was asked to leave the store while I was checking out because my mask was on my chin. Once they saw I was spending 200 plus dollars, then the manager decided he wanted to have a minute with me, but I think he needs to take that minute and speak to his wannabe FBI mask agent. He didn't even

have a taser to back him up, but was talking down to me like I was a child. I'll never listen to anyone who antagonizes a paying customer. Maybe he's just miserable because he has to work. Sad. We'll probably return though just to see him one more time. End of review. Was he like that beautiful? Just my eyes need to lay on him one more time.

He didn't even have a taser. Only thing that can take me down is a taser. He didn't even have a taser. Only thing that can take me down is a taser. You don't even have a taser. How am I supposed to be intimidated? Also, I love that it says he didn't even have a taser, but was still talking to me like I was a child. And I'm like, is that how you talk to children? Jesus, that seems really aggressive.

One thing we can all agree on is this person is a child. I mean, how dare they get mad that my mask is on my chin? You're calling yourself out, calling yourself an idiot for everyone who's reading this. Also love the, like, insinuation that they were spending $200 at Target and therefore

suddenly the manager felt like, oh, this is an order we can't refuse. I know. As though anyone on the planet has ever spent less than 200 at target mostly inadvertently but you know that's and it's not that's not money going into any of these people's pockets that you're dealing with they're getting paid whether you spend that 200 or not i. I like that. That's what people don't understand. The AFI chick is like, oh, her commission on this chapstick I'm buying. I'm like, that's not how this works.

I mean, you're really, by complaining, I don't know. I don't know. By not spending that $200, they could not care less. Oh, my God. I mean, okay, granted, I'm sure that the manager has a quota etc i don't know but that 200 is not yeah but the manager also has a law that says people have to wear masks so i think like one out does the other one believe it yeah believe it or not i think human life is worth more than 200 really maybe three closer to three yeah i guess that's fair a little bit more with inflation

with inflation oh all right uh next one is of a target in augusta maine how did you find these let me tell you i searched target minnesota target north dak Maine. Oh, wow. That's it. That's fun. Yeah. And I also did Florida, a specific city. That'll be the last one. No spoilers. Florida is the grand finale.

Hell yeah. This is a two-star review of Target in Augusta, Maine by Larry. Yeah, one of your hot staff members is lying about their age end of review oh no it's bad it is just all bad i oh no i i know i know she's also lying about having a boyfriend i checked her facebook oh my god that is terrifying terrifying yes um maybe larry maybe they're lying to you i i i don't know like do you have access to their target application right and you're saying their driver's license that they had to submit i'm with the better business bureau that's probably i think larry's with the better business bureau that's what this is about saying hey target just so you know you get in big trouble but i'm giving you a

chance here by leaving a google review of two stars it's like a secret shopper but for the better business bureau yeah i forgot to mention at the end they included a finger like an index finger pointing up emoji what i didn't know how it was relevant oh maybe they're saying like hey heads up look at this intro yeah even though it's to the side of what they said like so it points to nothing okay never mind so i don't know maybe they used to be like a point to the side it would have made more sense yeah maybe there used to be a local guide so it used to say local guide above but then since i kept hitting on employees google was like you need to we're taking this badge away oh my goodness um hopefully larry stays far away from this target and its employees i mean jesus yeah i can't can you imagine like oh we've got some intel that you've

been lying on your job application oh from who i expect it's gonna happen from this man on google oh so good they like how the manager is like who found out i'm that i'm 46 and i'm not 40 what oh my god i've been living a lie for so long i'm glad it's out in the open okay let's see what i have here here's the problem now that i did this double-sided and i also included photos why did you include photos because some people like i mean like photos of the reviews oh but in my pages application i don't have microsoft word it like doesn't do well with photos um oh all i have left is a redemption sandy oh my gosh okay um i've got two more and well the second one is a multi-parter okay but no redemption so i'll just read mine

yeah okay uh this is another one of a target a different target and like oh same target in augusta main um this is by kelly two stars they have great quality stuff here although during this COVID thing these workers are rude when I went in the worker at the door said you need to wear a mask no exceptions here a lady in front of me said she

couldn't due to a medical condition the worker responded well if you have a medical condition you shouldn't be here I had one in my I fucking love that if you have a medical condition you shouldn't be here i had one in my if you have lyme disease you are not welcome in our target stores this employee calling out their bullshit like yeah okay let's fuck off um i had one in my wallet if he wasn't so ignorant i would have put it it on. But after that, I just left. Oh, God.

When places are respectful, please and thank you. I will wear one. But with their low lack of nice communication, they will lose a lot of people. I saw 10 walk straight in and out because of their ignorance. And you are hearing this from a 24 year old. They need to grow up and have manners. That explains a lot. End of review. That's a lot. End of review.

That's the only sensible part of this. Like, okay, maybe your frontal lobe is a little slow in building itself up. I'd like to think me three years ago would have worn a mask. No, exactly. I think usually it's like... Okay, let me be clear. Me three years ago would 100% wear a mask. There's no doubt about that in my mind.

Well, no, you three years ago, you were not aware of an impending pandemic. So you probably wouldn't have worn a mask or everyone would have made fun of you. In college, did I mention this? In college, we had a group project. So this was 2000, I don't know, 13 or something. We had a group project where we had to, it was an international business course and we created a product. And one thing we did was we created a line of designer masks.

What? And because in a lot of Asian countries, there were like a lot of people were wearing masks. And so we thought, you know, it'd be cool to just get into that and create designer masks. So we did this whole project and presentation create designer masks so we did this whole oh my project and presentation of designer masks it did not go well we did not get a good grade i don't think but yeah and years later here we are it's so weird one with bumblebees on it it's so weird because i did just see like redlands university uh released a line of luxury masks

and they're like making billions of dollars like they partnered with gucci i think wait how did what did that that was my one in was i had an in with gucci and they spent a seed seed money alexander and i have an in with gucci and sometimes not you me sometimes they send us seed money for things like podcasts and school projects which pretty much are equally they sound the same in my mind um speaking of which the new line of gucci clutches are oh so is this where we put the ad in yes yes yes that's a fuck okay do the personal endorsement my script they didn't send me my my my bag yet so oh i got two oh shit yeah well i mean nope just got the one anyway it holds so much it holds so many masks i keep my mask yeah okay so yeah um the whole medical condition

thing um the thing is these places also that's why they set up curbside pickup or they'll say, oh, we'll shop for you. I don't know. I did unfortunately learn that Trader Joe's does not do any sort of curbside pickup or delivery. And I found this out because, by the way, Em and I are recording our 200th episode tomorrow. That's exciting. And this is a little sneak peek I guess because this comes out before that but I was gonna go to Trader Joe's and buy the boxed wine that I drank in our first ever episode but then I drove there and it was stowing and there were 40 people in line so I

went home. So yeah that's what happens when you live in a place that has one Trader Joe. Yeah. In the entire area. Yes that is correct um so i said never mind i don't have a jacket on and i went home yep i don't know why that's like the world's most boring story that is such a fun sneak peek that makes me want to actually listen to the episode and then i was like anyway it's not happening so excited no i'm gonna go tomorrow morning i promise and buy my box now okay now i'm actually excited i know that you're going tomorrow morning i'm like playing with your emotions here always okay this is uh my last one this is a review of a target in tallahassee florida by

michael uh one star unisex bathroom policy end of review alexander's arms went flailing in that i wish you could have seen it everybody there was emotion there there was a lot it's like at a theater play i said i said say it more snottily and he threw his arms up into the air i this is i'm gonna say that this is a hot take but i feel like unisex bathrooms are some of the least offensive things ever i i cannot imagine why that would be worthy of a one-star review well you know how people like to say oh uh women are going to get attacked it's just the most inane commentary ever especially because a lot of times these are single person bathrooms single use bathrooms yeah exactly um and even if it's not just grow up also i love how suddenly men are very interested in how women

are getting attacked and i'm like well maybe you should stop attacking us and then like the problem could be solved i guess exactly but because of that i thought you know um oh wait oh shoot i just realized i have another one that got snuck in here okay let me finish michael saga first though is this real or are you making that up are you gonna say something dumb well yes i am but yes to both i don't i actually don't think i was wait what do you mean joking oh i thought you were like oh i have another one here and you were gonna say like i don't know christine wrote a review or something. No, no, no. Because I had what happened was with Michael. I looked up Michael's other reviews. Oh, I see.

His other reviews. And so I had a couple other ones of other locations. But then I see one of Target and I realized, oh, shoot. One of my other Target reviews was snuck in here by accident. This is what happens when you stay at unisex bathrooms. Everything gets jumbled up. I'll save that one for last. So let me read Michael's, a couple of his other reviews, just in case we weren't sure

what kind of person Michael is. Yeah, I'm certainly not sure. I think you can tell. I'd like you to tell me. This is a review of North Star Church in Panama City, Florida. One star. Seeker-friendly type church. We are looking for more bible-based teaching for strong believers and a review no prodigal sons allowed here i right like that seems so

awful oh god it's they complain that it's a church open to people who are too already religious yeah it's too welcoming and also gatekeeping like come on gatekeeping it's ridiculous saying that you you're a strong only a strong believer if you go to different churches i mean not to be a cliche but i think jesus would have a lot to say about that i think so too um yeah i was like you were like it's not a church it's one star and i'm like well it can't be unisex bathrooms we're in florida so i don't know what it could possibly be but this is pretty close it's like of all things what could what could michael say negatively about a church oh it's not churchy yeah that sounds about right it's not good enough

for for me as a christian yeah uh here's one last one um of a guitar center one star in johnson city tennessee management denied us access to the store because we did not wear face coverings even though we pointed out that this was against our medical conditions and unconstitutional and that no mandate is the law they still denied us access end of review even though i said the thing that every other person says when they're lying and want to go somewhere without covering their face because even though i have no basic grasp of the constitution i'm gonna complain about things being unconstitutional i it's just like these some of these anti-maskers it's like now they're thriving on yelp and it's like hey yelp was a place for people to complain about

their eggs being too soggy and now it's become just this this wild wild west yeah it was actually before this yelp was really civilized there is nothing negative on there it's wild no but i know what you mean seriously but it's they've come out in droves is that the right yeah yes to i say with so much confidence yeah it was so frustrating to go through so many of these target reviews it could have had an we could have had many episodes probably full of just mask related reviews. Yeah. I think we could have, maybe we should go back to our COVID between you and us, or no,

She for Madness. Yeah. Someday we can do like a roundup. Maybe we could do like a 2020 roundup. Oh yeah. People, people when they're at their most exhausted and done with all of this. Yeah. Let's smack them in the face one more time. I actually like idea me too i'm not being sarcastic let's do it good

i think we'll enjoy it too as much as we love to read about all this stuff why don't we make it worse for ourselves during the holiday season well it's like we are trying to be like the maskers we want to bring other people down with us love to do that love to see it love to do it um let's so so we don't end on that garbage let's read one more here this is by anthony uh two stars a target in sorry south portland maine not good not bad the selection of toddler girls clothes is tinier than any other section of the store. And that is what I went for last night. It was strange. End of review.

Wow. That seems like it was a really thrilling dinner conversation for your entire family. Oh, my God. Aunt Becky, can you imagine? You wouldn't believe. Of all parts of the store, the smallest section was the toddler girls clothes. Can you believe it? What's wrong with this country?

And get this. I was there to buy toddlers girls clothes. It's just like unfathomable. I imagine them saying. And speaking of which, guess why I went. Guess the only reason I went to this Target. Guess. Was it to buy?

Was it to buy? Was it to buy toddler girls clothes? Yes. Exactly. This was just so bizarre. I don't really... I didn't know what to do with it. I know sometimes those kind of reviews are helpful. I find this to be like 0%, maybe helpful to 0.1% of anybody going to Target.

maybe helpful to 0.1 percent of anybody yeah going to target i i don't know what they expected to be like smaller than this maybe the gum at the end like what no like the in the checkout i don't know there's a lot of gum there's a lot of gum that's a good point uh yeah i don't know but maybe they also think that targets are shapehifting so that whenever they go, whatever they're looking for is what. Right. I mean, they're the victim as always. And everyone's just trying to bring them down. Cheers. Cheers to that.

Cheers to that astute observation. So this is a redemption that was sent in by Evie. And it is a five star review by Jonathan. That was the last negative one, right? Yes, I'm done. Okay. Hi, Gio. Hi.

Are you going to be a little quieter nowadays? I miss him. He looks very concerned. I would say he misses you you but it looks like there's a lot on his mind right now so i can't really say for sure jonathan gave target five stars target is the hostess of the mostest top merchandise to have in that line of retail in the united states i much prefer target over Walmart, for Target's store brands and merchandise are direct bullseye of quality and value. Right on anyone's tight budget these days, Target's shopping

experience gives the even, the common, citizenry of our nation a classy shopping experience with its shiny, elegant, and well-lighted locations. Unlike the stockyard shopping experience of your local Walmart, which herds you through the stockyard shopping experience of your local Walmart, which herds you through the store like a head of cattle with no feeling of classy elegance as you shop with Walmart's institutional look to its stores, period, I highly recommend Target. Target is a bullseye of classy elegance and value for the even common citizen of our nation to enjoy as they shop may target live long and prosper end of review did i just have a moment of deja vu or was there

repeated phrases in there this sounds you know what this reminds me of is uh like a in seventh grade when you're learning to write an essay and you're like you just like copy your thesis statement in the beginning of every paragraph you have to hit a word count yeah yeah yeah it's like target has these three things and then the first paragraph's like target has this thing and then explain it target also has thing number two uh and then to conclude in conclusion target is a bullseye of classy elegance and value for the even common citizen of our nation. That's true. So true.

Oh, my gosh. They're like, what quote does my dorky dad like to say? Oh, yeah. Live long and prosper. Let's throw that in there. I don't know what it means, but it sounds good. Right. Oh, my God.

It's just like the strangest. It feels like a homework assignment. Yeah. Either that or an AI wrote it. Or an AI wrote it. For sure. Yeah. Or you know what?

Okay. And I'm going to admit something that I've done. I was paid to write reviews online once. Really? Yeah. It was. Yeah. I needed money.

From where? It sounds kind of like that. One of those like uh freelance like freelancer.org or something wait i did that but for uh cincinnati i had i got paid to write reviews of neighborhoods see oh yeah yeah that kind of thing um and this explains a lot about both of us i think yeah i know that's funny because this was before the podcast that kind of sounds like that because there's like a word count you have to just kind of keep repeating something you just copy and paste like two sentences and hope nobody notices yeah exactly you're like okay like gotta hit that word count

just so i get paid oh my god also the english teacher definitely said like make sure you include a metaphor and he's like okay it's like you are a stockyard cattle with no classy elegance. No classy elegance. No classy elegance. But this is also a person, I thought of this, that pronounces it Tar-jay. And I love them for it, you know? They're what? Sorry, I cut out for a second.

They pronounce it Tar-jay. Oh, for sure. There actually was one I saw that said, Target, parentheses, French accent, on every single time they wrote the word Target. And I was like, this is really irritating i don't know i love it oh my gosh anyway thank you evie oh thank you i like that one that was a nice end um it's time for your challenge now that's right so victoria sent this challenge in i was very about it. It was to find a review where someone blames things,

blames a negative experience on the full moon. I'm looking at you because I didn't know if you remembered it. I did not, but now I'm, yes, I'm so excited for this. Yeah, so I got a few here. I'm happy to say. And interestingly enough, so, okay, I'm going to start with this one. This is a review. Actually, this is in a, oh, my God, all my paper is just falling off.

That is why you use a computer. The problem with that is I can't run all those programs at the same time because I worry that it's going to crash my audacity. That's fair. That's why you have an iPad or phone. Okay, one time i used my ipad and you like like made fun of me the entire episode for having an ipad so i was like you know what forget it jealousy um presents itself in different ways and that just was one of those

ways hey i have a printer can we laugh about that i have printer. Look at us moving up in the world. We've got everything we need. I got to say my printer is not color. Mine is. Didn't I give it to you? Yes. Oh. I was like, was that one a color printer?

I guess so. Yeah. Okay. Let's see here. So the first one I have for you is it's a forum forum on tripadvisor i believe about hilton head and somebody wrote a it's sort of more like a commentary so there's no star writing but it is basically a review yeah we've read those of yeah of one of the beach you know how i like my forums um so this is a review of a beach at hilton head by gina we were at the beach today noticed many jellyfish many more than we've seen during our

past visits is this unusual i thought it might have to do with the recent storms or perhaps the full moon well i blame the full moon on just about any crazy thing these days end of review me too gina me too i know i was like yeah i get it um so i don't i i was like huh extra jellyfish i guess we could blame that on the full moon but then there was a response from another user this is very interesting to me because i'm googling full moon jellyfish i'll let you talk first oh okay so this is interesting to me and maybe nobody else but i think alexander and i will find it interesting so sorry this other user says yes storms and the full moon can have an effect on the local jellyfish population but it's not because the full moon

quote brings out the crazies arguably though it does jellyfish are planktonic floating at the whim of the tidal currents and wind waves storms can produce wind to influence jelly movement jellyfish movement and push them more inshore or vice versa likewise the full moon creates higher high tides than average and this leaves jellyfish stranded behind after they wash up on the beaches and in the marsh don't worry they won't go to waste as scavenging birds crabs and other critters will clean up the mess rather quickly end of response so i thought that was a lovely internet exchange we don't see that often where it's like somebody's like huh i didn't have a great time i wonder why and this person says yes sometimes this happens

i don't know. Very informative. I think that's so interesting. And I love that it was informative and educational. And there's actually a jellyfish arrival calendar for Hawaiian beaches that you can look up. Their arrival calendar. It tells you when the full moon is and then when the jellyfish invasion is likely invade okay listen they call it an invasion i use it arrival and now invasion is a little stronger of a word um they use a really alarming little image i'm feeling a little hard to see what it is exactly it's like really tiny though is it a little knife

it is not. Isn't that like the jellyfish in Spongebob? That's probably what I'm thinking of. Grabs a knife at one point. Yeah. I sent you the link in Skype, but it's really hard to see because it's a tiny image, but it looks like, I don't even know what I'm looking at. Let me see.

Hawaii jellyfish calendar. These yellow things? Yeah. What is that and it says in the key for it at the bottom it says jellyfish invasion likely it's a person on a on a wave oh like surfing or something what i think there are those little lines jellyfish i don't know i i can't tell you it's definitely a person on a wave like it looks like they're running from jellyfish on their surfboard for like a miniature icon that's a lot of specificity but i'm pretty sure that's what i'm looking at okay that makes that seems right that seems right um how do i get back to the call? There you are. Okay.

So I have another one here. This is an actual review. And this was actually sent in. I just searched Full Moon to see what came up in our inbox. And this was sent a while ago. It's an email from Brett. And it's a review of IHOP. This is a one-star review by Ray.

Never ever eat here. We ordered. Then it got interesting a waiter began talking to the manager about the spells she was going to cast and the ingredients needed to meet for the full blood moon we got up and left end of review what probably smart we got up and left and realized the ihop was across across on the other side of the parking lot. So I don't know what building we were in. We turned around, the building was gone. And the full moon had risen. This is creepy, though, because I was just thinking of my IHOP experience.

Really? Well, the email said, I hope I don't ruin IHOP for you. So what experience are you talking about? After the Taylor Swift concert, when me, Simon, Liz, and Logan went to IHOP, do you not remember this picture? No. Oh no, I do. Christina. You have to post this on Instagram. But I want to find the photo first to like, because oh my, Christina. You better not send it in Skype or else in five minutes, it's going to flash on my screen. True, true, true.

You remember how cursed this platform is. My gosh. Okay. I'll actually like provide some context. So y'all aren't just alarmed. Yeah. Like I said, my friends, we went to Taylor Swift concert and on the way back, we stopped at IHOP because that's where we always ate I think this was like 2011 I want to say it was like close to Halloween but not that close

but people were dressed up and this person came to IHOP dressed up as a burnt victim like burnt victim and I say burnt because his shirt literally said burnt victim written on it like instead of a burn victim i said yeah and it was the most alarming thing and we were like so taken aback and impressed like the makeup is like very impressive and we could not stop staring i mean which is terribly rude but we were like so impressed by it we went up afterwards i think i'm the one who went up and asked for a photo wow that's how i which is not like me but we asked if we could get a photo and the guy said sure so simon posted i just checked it has one like what on facebook from when it was when it was

posted you commented stop it i hate this more than anything in the world i said that yes yes that you're like the first comment on it you want to see it again i stand by that statement yes i do okay i'm sending it now to your phone holy shit alexander you look the most uncomfortable out of everybody. Well, I purposefully thought, oh, this would be fun to just look so just kind of plain, not reacting to the fact that I was standing next to this alarming costume. Wow. Wow. It's really scary.

Yeah. So yeah, check our Instagram. Okay. So this is the last one I have, Zandy. Ready. check our instagram okay so this is the last one i have sandy ready this is a review of those rx bars which i really like but i guess not everybody does this is a one-star view by elizabeth i mean i only eat them on full moon so oh oh anyway continue that was your halloween dinner then no those are the ones with egg whites in them right so i can't eat them anymore oh probably i used to eat them but yeah yeah i think

you're right what i like about protein bars is the illusion of being a healthy person the reality of protein bars is that they are not created equally these bars have a great label that marketing wise really catches the eye however if it's a remotely edible snack you're looking for this ain't it i took one bite of this god-awful salty nasty bar and passed it off to a relative who then promptly threw it out what a bad late night purchase this was i blame the full moon for this buy never again that's so random i blame the full moon it was on amazon oh my god that's so funny though because i expected with this some like really wild like more like that ihop one like i really like that yeah it was weird it was wild and interesting and whatever. But then that is just.

There weren't really that many. There were some that said like the full moon, like it'll be a review of a hospital. I tried to find hospitals and it was like, oh, just don't go on Monday because it's full moon and it gets crowded. But like, that's it. Like it wasn't anything wild, you know? Yeah. crowded but like that's it like it wasn't anything wild you know yeah so and then every time i tried to search for on yelp every single goddamn place is called like full moon massage spot or like full moon sushi or like full moon piano bar and grill i don't know everything under the sun

no it's more fitting for our show that these weirdos will just say that we'll just use it as an excuse it's just a review about protein bars that is a new one because i feel like on amazon people are like i was drunk or i was stoned i made this late night purchase like for a protein bar yeah you can't even say i blame it on being hungry no you blame it on the full moon also like i want to take responsibility slightly overlooked line of i took one bite of this god-awful nasty thing and then gave it to my relative oh my gosh for her to enjoy that's fucking rude um that reminds me i went on a date with someone who worked congratulations so happy for you okay that's the end of my story um no she worked for uh quest protein bars oh i used to eat i'm never buying a quest protein bar again why like first

of all wherever it was it was very far and i drove and it was like for her lunch break she would not stop talking like all she wanted to talk about was quest it felt like i was at like like a mlm pitch or something what and i was polite and everything and i was like yeah no i've never really had them and she like kept telling me about all the flavors and stuff and i'm like no hey at least she's passionate about her work i guess yeah no it was fine i didn't like i don't know i uh i once won a contest and i won um like a year-long supply of quest protein bars that's right sometimes like this is a little known fact about me is that i am weirdly good at winning contests and not like contests of skill just like you're signed to jump five cd yeah i gotta decide jump five cd for uh the uh like was it national geographic kids or discovery

like something was it a volcano set something i want? Like something, was it a volcano set? I won a volcano set. I also won a pogo stick. My God, you're good. Yeah, and I, it's so random. And I won a signed A-Team, I think that was a band, A-Team CD. Oh, okay. Yeah, I just, oh, and then I won that Jimmy Neutron year long supply Jimmy Neutron bubble gum

yes and then at a space convention I won a I won a telescope lens a lens yeah just a lens for a telescope I was also 12

give it to Tim like probably I was also 12 that was also to Tim? Yeah, probably. I was also 12. That was also the day that I lost the microscopic moon rock. And so I don't really like to think about that day. No wonder. That's a story for another day when I ruined one man's lifelong career. So anyway. Wow.

Wow. So, yeah, that's my reviews. Thanks, everybody, for dealing with that and also thank you victoria for that suggestion um it's quite enjoyable for me yeah no that is fun i like that i enjoyed it too you did good thank you oh well for once we actually have a theme and challenge prepared in advance we do that's a cool time i'll give the theme so our theme is so we've been meaning to do this for a while we also received an email from ada who says do utah uh hey she for sibs i noticed you haven't done utah since episode six uh provided some theme

ideas no we're not doing any of those no nice you're all fantastic so that sounded so i mean i was trying to be kind of jokingly sassy but that sounded yeah it sounded pretty fucking rude that was rude no um we're not doing those only because we've had a plan for utah and you reminded us of it and we're so excited for us utah we have a plan for you we have plans i had plans for those crabs that's a reference i remember that was a good one um yeah because it was in the episode four episodes ago really the highlight episode oh oh i see yeah yeah plans for those crabs i was like really what i thought it was from the crab houses oh anyway you did give some great suggestions however we are doing uh multi-level marketing companies uh in utah because that's where they all fucking are so i've been waiting

for this we had a challenge related to multi-level marketing companies um pyramid schemes whatever you want to call them just don't call them your own small businesses yeah um so yeah we're doing reviews of those i do feel like some people will get angry about this yep skip that episode that's fine that's fine i don't we're not offended i'll probably clarify this next week but we're not trying to offend the people who have gotten involved with mlms i'm trying to uh call out the people who run these quote-unquote companies and exploit individuals on a smaller scale and sometimes ruin their livelihood. So. Absolutely. Anyway, this is the challenge, Danny. It was sent in by Ashlyn, who uses she, her pronouns. Thank you, Ashlyn. Ashlyn is a hairstylist and says

she sometimes deals with interesting clients. And a funny challenge would be to find clients who are unhappy, even if their hair is what they asked for. But I'm putting a twist on it. I'm going to say the challenge is to find a review where somebody got what they asked for, but are still unhappy. Okay. So not just hair unhappy okay so not just hair no not just hair right i see so that was like the initial idea like they they got the haircut they asked for but now they're not happy or this is gonna make me so mad ashlyn but i'm i love it yeah i think it could be fun because there's so many like directions you could go with it yeah and because those are always so also we have i think we've read some similar ones where we're like

what's the problem? You literally got what you want. Yeah, there was like a Starbucks one, I think that was like, oh, he made me a Frappuccino, even though he didn't look like he wanted to make me a Frappuccino. It's like, what? People are so annoying. She complimented my AFI shirt, even though she was totally judging me so true though exactly anyway oh my gosh um but that reminds me speaking of hair um i don't know if you know this christina but my so on my my twitch stream i started twitch streaming again after my mental health break and one of my goals

um my twitch stream lovingly named it i did not come up with this. They named it and they voted on it. They named it It's Barney Bitch instead of It's Brittany Bitch because I am doing purple hair as my next goal. So if I reach a thousand followers, I think, on Twitch, I'll dye my hair lavender purple. I think that would look lovely on you. Yeah. So I'm actually weirdly excited for it. We're at 869, so we're getting there. It's Barney Bitches Excellent, by the way. So yeah, right? They're clever. They're more clever than I am. Well, thanks for listening,

everybody. We cannot wait to see you next week when we discuss the challenge and theme that I already forgot, but I'm sure it'll be great. Thank you, Ada, and thank you, Ashlyn. Oh, and Ada uses she, her pronouns. Thank you for normalizing pronouns lovely lovely of you thank you so much we'll see you next week Bye.