Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 108: Holiday Reviews

Episode Date: December 23, 2020

Four days and seven scores ago, Tim Allen learned the secrets of Santa Claus from his father. And now we’re here to pass those secrets on to you. Enjoy! Support us on Patreon to listen to the bonus episode! patreon.com/beachtoosandy Watch Alex’s special Christmas stream this Friday! https://twitch.tv/XandySchiefer Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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A recap of Dateline episodes We talk about important issues like grainy surveillance footage Cell phone towers Andrea Canning's white jeans And Mankey's hankies We delve into the details of any victim who's ever loved life or lit up a room. So find us on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and iTunes to make A Date with Dateline. And remember, don't watch alone. A Date with

Dateline is a podcast hosted by two professional amateur true crime TV experts with no formal training but evidence lockers filled with snark and uninformed opinions. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Christmas time is here. Hello everybody and welcome to our holiday special I'm sorry, the moment you said go, I had to burp really badly So I just kind of didn't say anything

I saw your head leave 3mm away from the microphone And I said this is my moment and I began singing If that's singing, I don't know what you call it Making horrible throat noises I wanted to save you all. And I just couldn't do it. My body wouldn't let me. My body was repulsed by the idea of not hearing her sing for some reason.

Yeah, of interrupting my beautiful trill. Oh, trill. Okay. Anyway, hi everyone. Welcome to the holiday special of Beach Juice, Handy Water, trill. Okay. Anyway, hi, everyone. Welcome to the holiday special of Beach Juice, Handy Water, Tourette. I know it comes out the 23rd. So it's perfect timing for your family to sit around the fireside and listen to all of humanity's flaws. Yeah, I am forgot it was Christmas this week. Oh, yeah. Well, welcome. Thank you. I didn't realize that until yesterday.

Well, I hope you brought Christmas reviews or at least holiday reviews. A couple. Of course I did. Okay. I knew that we were doing this holiday special episode, but I didn't know that this Friday exactly. You just thought it was like a random theme I picked for no reason? Okay. Okay. Okay. Got it. Got it. Got I picked for no reason? No, okay, okay, okay. Got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it.

Let's move on. Okay, well, I have news, which is that Alexander and I decided to do a bonus Patreon episode. Oh, yeah. It was really weird. We did it before we even researched for this episode. It's a holiday bonus. And basically what we did is beat you sandy raw unfiltered behind the scenes which means we don't edit it very much we put music behind it but we don't cut out all the

parts of you know me trying to figure out what a word means or other things like that and since sorry since i already mentioned burping this episode so we're past that um i want to say that there was one point in a middle in the middle of a review and the patreon thing where i realized that we couldn't edit so i was like in the middle of reading review i had to burp and i was about to because normally i'm like okay whatever we'll just edit it i was like oh no this is raw this is live um not actually live but you know what i mean and then i like fought through it and got to the end. We're so proud of you.

Thank you. And I didn't even bring it up because I was like, you know what? I might be the victim, but I'm not going to tell everyone I'm the victim. Until next week. Until the next episode. Got it. Well, so it's really fun. I don't remember what happened because it felt like a fever dream,

except that I do know that I got reviews from Common Sense sense media and qvc i was pretty proud of those and then at the end something happened and i i all i remember is i laughed for about eight eight minutes and i don't know why or like what prompted it but there was something that happened where i don't know i really don't know but i'm not convinced we've woken up from that fever dream but yes it was it was lots of fun uh so support us on patreon it's uh two bucks um and you can listen to that and yeah we felt like we haven't done much on there in a while so we wanted to do a little extra content yeah and we liked it a lot though and especially because we can't be together um like in person so we can't uh do our normal live Q&A like we like to do.

Aha, yes. But this was lots of fun. And we were like, oh, we're going to keep it short. And it was like 45 minutes or something. So it's a real episode if you want to go check that out. $2 a month, patreon.com slash beach2sandy. And we'll do more of that because, I mean, I had fun with it. And if she didn't have fun, that's okay.

We're doing more. It doesn't really matter what I think. On that note, should we start? Let's do it. Who goes first? I forget. I think you go ahead. So of course, the first thing that I did is that I went on commonsensemedia.org and I looked up. Be careful. I might read you the entire about page oh no and i looked up obviously the santa claus the santa claus 2 and the santa claus 3 uh because that was pretty much my priority for this lovely holiday week wait there's no santa claus 3 is there yeah there is oh there's no 4 how many times do i have to explain the petition to you? Look, I signed it. Get off my back. I do appreciate your $100 donation.

I sent that letter to Tim Allen, to Tim Allen's publicist, Tim Allen's manager. I stopped Tim Allen on the street. I did everything you asked me to do. Stop. You're right, and I'm not being appreciative enough. In any case, this is a review of the Santa Clause 2, written by Kid, 12 years old. The Whatever Clause, pointless sequel. They should have left it with only one Santa Clause.

This is a pretty corny, occasionally funny, and sometimes heartwarming story. There is some potty humor, including a naked plastic robotic Santa. The robot Santa does some very bad stuff that may disillusion kids' view about Santa. Other than that, it's fine. Kids will like this, but it's a hunk of smeely cheese for basically anybody else. Two words, corny. End of review.

Lots in here. Lots in here. Smeely, I love the spelling. Smeely. Definitely S-M-E-E-l-y yeah um now take a take a stab at how you spell cheese c-h-e-e-z with an e at the end yes oh c-h-e-e-z-e my bad smeely cheese uh smeely cheese and then um corny two words corny um it's a for emphasis though for emphasis i like that i like that okay getting the point

across oh i forgot the end this title contains sexy stuff yeah it does baby oh yeah tim allen you know words sexy stuff but uh what what does this robot santa do and does the robot santa take the form of tim allen asking for a for a friend. That's horrifying. Everybody said that there was a robotic naked Santa. Every review mentioned it. Some said, what's the big deal? It's just a naked robot. Some said, wow, don't let your kids watch this.

There's a naked robot. Apparently you just see its butt. So I don't really know. Is it molded after a certain... It is. They did a plaster cast. I also did hear that it may disillusion kids' view about Santa. Yeah. Like Santa's like, because like they're like, wow, Santa shouldn't have a wagon like that.

Alex and her, stop it. That would disillusion me. I'd be like, oh boy, Santa. I never pictured you in that way under all those layers he does squats on the side he better do something i mean i don't want to lose him at a young age you know like he's got to live a long long time to live um your turn we're moving on already from that one okay yeah i'll try my best your mind will be on santa's dump truck but everything else we'll have to move forward oh no okay so here's a review this was sent in by um uh brooke actually an hour ago um so perfect timing uh this is a sweater on amazon and it's christina

what it's a uh women's ugly christmas sweater sweaters for women um it's a sweater that says uh that's like i guess a store oh no the color of the sweater is black dash get baked. And it's a sweater. It is? Is it a sweater? Have I mentioned that yet? I don't know. I just couldn't catch up.

Sorry. I'm just making sure I'm really getting that point across. Got it. And on the front, it says, let's get baked. And in the middle, there's a large gingerbread man. Actually, that's exactly what I pictured. So so and the sleeves have a bunch of pot leaves okay oh shit alexander speaking of getting baked your bread my bread is ready be nice to them while i'm gone i'm sorry everyone i put bread in the oven and totally forgot about my timing so oh that doesn't sound good okay i'm back okay so anyway here is a review

of this get baked pot leaf laden sweater one star the sleeves have pot leaves i had originally purchased this for my daughter i thought it was cute with a gingerbread cookie and saying let's get baked. I was thinking it was referring only to the cookie. However, when it arrived, I realized it was marijuana leaves on the arms of the sweater. Yes, my fault that I didn't pay extra attention to the green on sleeves in the pic, but I will be returning. Too bad. I love the cookie.

End of review. Sorry. I think I should clarify that when she says, I realized that they're pot leaves. She certainly didn't realize. Somebody else had to tell her. There's no way that she was like, oh, those are definitely marijuana leaves. Somebody else was like, um, Darlene, do you realize what's on there? Mom?

Darlene. The daughter was probably like mom like how did you know like that you loved baking oh i love that she's just so like torn like i love the little cookie man cut off the sleeves darling what's the big deal sweater vest i'm gonna be honest i mean the cookie's great and all but like this is not even i don't know like what's so special about it i don't know i guess it's kind of cute i cut off those sleeves that's all i have to say cut off oh sleeveless sweater that's what i'm saying a little sweater vest becomes a vest sweater vest all right so i have a review of the

santa claus too i know it's exciting this is a review by teen 13 years old i didn't enjoy it because i haven't believed in santa for a really long time end of review okay okay you little shit come here okay don't come that's weird um but get that's get out of here with that bullshit i don't like that come here get out of here i that bullshit. I don't like that. Come here. Get out of here. I have to do the opposite because it sounded creepy. Yeah, I don't know. As someone who believes and knows that Santa is real at the age of... How old am I? 27?

Pretty old, I would say. Yeah, I'd say too. Imagine what that says about you. At this age... And what are you? How old is this kid? 13. 13?

Yeah, as if you know better than me. Stop trying to show me up. I know. I wonder if he's testing the waters. Like he's like writing this to be like, right? Somebody prove me wrong, please. Mom says there's no Santa, but... Oh, so this is more of a philosophical situation. Combination of philosophy, ethics...

If you'll recall from our DC Monument episode, I did have a semi-degree in philosophy for no... For some ungodly reason, somebody allowed into a uh philosophy course um in college yeah i i mean i i it reminds me of a great speech by a great leader um abraham lincoln once said four score seven days ago i know it's a different it was different speech not the one you're thinking come on i'm not oh please you thought i was referencing that other one that no one cares about? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm an imbecile. No, no, no. Four days... Wait, what did I say?

Four days and seven scores ago. Yeah. What happened? My child came to me and said, Let's get baked. You're ruining the speech. I'm sorry. Papa, is Santaanta claus real and i said child as long as santa claus lives in the hearts of all santa claus is alive and well and then that's

actually why tim allen took the role of santa claus too it was because of that speech and said you know what i'm gonna make sure that santa claus stays alive and you know what in all of our hearts what i am that little boy and abraham lincoln is my dad also i have a great ass okay okay i'm sorry anyway i i uh got me this boy. Wow, this is bad for me. This is real bad. Personally. Yeah, this is the kind of shit that we should do on the Patreon episode, not on this one. I know, I don't know why... People have to pay for this after Dark Garbage.

Yeah, we got a little too comfortable, I think, doing the Patreon bonus episode. That's what it was. I don't even know who... It's my turn, isn't it? Mm-hmm. This is an email from aaron who uh says uh hey guys uh so this is a review of lights on the lake which is one of those holiday light drive-through things in syracuse new york um and aaron has been going for about five or six years now uh the light displays are the same every year so that's something relevant here's a review

this is a three-star review no shrek that's not where i imagined this was going okay i know we did well i did i did imagine it because and what caught my eye was the subject of the email Aaron sent that said holiday review dash Shrek related. Oh, yes. Like, hey, put this in the Shrek folder, y'all. And the holiday folder. The way that I imagined this one is that I did see it and my brain immediately erased it from my consciousness. Because, wow.

Yeah. I did the opposite. I soaked it all in. Okay. No Shrek? Husband and I soaked it all in. Okay. No Shrek? Husband and I had a fantastic time. We, however, have one very upset four-year-old, though. Took a trip to Wegmans in Liverpool to grab a warm beverage before going.

Got to talking about how we were about to go see Lights on the Lake with the cashier. And my son, big Shrek fan fan had asked if there was shrek lights what if he wasn't a big shrek fan he just wanted to know like my son is deathly afraid of shrek what if the dad was a huge shrek fan and was like son ask him ask him so i don't want to better um the cashier swore up and down there was a whole section dedicated to Ask him something. I don't want to admit it. You ask. It's even better. The cashier swore up and down there was a whole section dedicated to Shrek. How there was a castle, Shrek in his swamp, the dragon, donkey, Fiona. Made it sound very elaborate and exciting. And my four-year-old, being a four-year-old, went in with his eyes wide.

We had asked the person at the gate if there was shrek and they told us yes as well went through the whole thing and by the end my son was screaming and crying very disappointed we were misinformed and who the heck is promising children elaborate tales about there being a whole shrek section and a review some sadist at Wegmans it's like I know what I'll do could you imagine like coming up with this elaborate story I wonder if they ended up reviewing that Wegmans like I'm sure we should have checked the Liverpool Wegmans to see if there was like a this person only reviewed one place and it was this one so bummer wow oh my gosh but but okay okay listen logically two people said there was a shrek display

right like i was surprised when the person at the gate did it as well like i thought the first one's like okay this is some practical like weird grow like practical joke on a four-year-old. But then the person at the gate did, like, maybe something happened to the Shrek display? What I'm imagining is, like, there probably, there had to have been, right? Because why otherwise? Unless this place is just full of, like, sadists who are children, which I guess is possible. Yeah. To be like, yeah, there's this whole Shrek thing.

Ha ha ha. But, I mean mean maybe the family just was like oh i don't know our power went out i don't know this swamp can't light up this year but i don't know i because it's not like unprompted people are saying oh yeah the shrek display is great true it's very much like oh is there shrek from a four-year-old with the bright eyes wait maybe the dad has a knife and he's like tell him there's shrek please for our sake tell him there's a shrek i want to ruin his christmas tell him his it's there's shrek and i can say oh shrek didn't show up this year because you're on

the naughty list that's how parents control their kids right with knives yeah i think so well yeah no no they use their knife okay so why not just use a knife on the child that's a good point that's a good point actually this is why i'm not a parent because i just don't understand how this works also i'm not a parent because like yikes shrek shrek light display is not something i really want to drive to participate in actually on the other hand would probably like you know borrow someone's child to go see that i don't need a child to go see that i'll go by myself i'm not i'm not particularly interested um in that okay okay whatever old old folk you just don't understand at this point i just gotta

lean into it um i've got bread update in 45 seconds and i'm done with bread oh my gosh it's the last one let's get baked watch as the 20 something young male proceeds to his natural habitat a dirty kitchen as he scratches his head and waits for his loaf of bread to complete its baking process he scans the area for any threats hope a sharp knife be careful young lad if he isn't quiet he might alert a nearby predator who could take the bread for themselves and eat the young male in the process. Oh, it seems as though the subject of our documentary has spotted me, the narrator. Oh, there he goes, showing off his wares.

As the peacock has plumes, so the young man has a questionably baked loaf of bread. What are you... Are you judging my bread right now? No. I was about to come back and say, thank God that was a practice run. I'm narrating. It is awful. The young male has left...

The young male... Has left the loaf in his cave. Stop! Susceptible to predators. I'm not excited to listen to this later. Susceptible to predators? I found a cricket in my apartment yesterday. Like a giant cricket.

I just let it chill because it's a cricket. Like, what's it going to do? A young male won't have much life left on this earth if he continues to allow predators to crickets carry diseases maybe generations down the line oh no they will adapt to their surroundings my ancestors will be the strongest against crickets in the world okay it's your turn okay this is what happened something terrible happened that's in her i know terrible you don't look upset nope something terrible happened which

is that i looked up the santa claus band from uh common sense media yes how did you know that because that's like the worst thing that could happen to you it is literally the worst the santa claus the santa claus to the santa claus 3 suddenly this pop-up came i typed in the grinch and then this pop-up came up and it said we hope you enjoyed your three free reviews want more reviews pay for plus today no you have to pay for this i said i'm on incognito you monster and it said we know oh but you still must pay us. So you grabbed one of your other devices. I grabbed, I thought you were gonna say you grabbed your Amex. I didn't know what to do. All I wanted to see was the Grinch, and I couldn't, I was like, I don't want to clear my cookies. This seems like a long, you know. So what I did was, I was like, I'll just go to their email

and see if I got any fun Christmas emails, and leave the common sense media page behind and then alice from england came to my rescue now alice sent an email called festive family films between you and us and it said hey shaken chiefers it's always like how do we keep getting new ones every time it's amazing seeing as christmas is rapidly approaching i decided to turn to the kids at common sense media to help me decide what films to pack into this year's holiday roster warning contains sexy stuff alice from england and the first review alice sent was from how the grinch stole christmas and i said no way wowza this is weirdly fate and makes me slightly uncomfortable that this is what my life

has become i'm more comfortable knowing alice is out there in the world but alice and i clearly have like a psychic bond over the you know across the pond oh that rhymes so here's a review of the grinch how the grinch stole christmas um i believe this is from oh no this is the the later wow okay yeah this is definitely not the original 1966 version this is definitely the later jim carrey version just you'll understand why in a minute this is written by teen 13 years old my mom did not like when the grinch fell on the boobs of martha and wouldn't let me finish the movie this title contains sexy stuff okay okay mom boobs let me talk to you about boobs mom well i have to go actually as an expert later um the young male feels overly confident

stop oh no okay i'm not saying anything else in this show um yeah uh i remember when we were that young and we uh rented scary movie oh and it started with like that whole vomit scene somebody like the exorcist vomit scene somebody told me this that the scary movie movies were very funny and we were probably like i I don't know. I was probably 12, and you were 10 or something, or even younger, I don't know. And we rented that movie, and wow. We didn't get it. We were not ready for it, let's just say that.

No, we were not ready. So we returned it. But when it comes to the Grinch, I mean, come on. I don't know. Also, you're 13. Maybe it is. I don't know. I haven't watched it in a while.

I mean, it sounds like, I mean, it is a terrible movie know i haven't watched it in a while i mean it sounds like i mean it is a terrible movie i'll be honest i'm not into it i the only grinch i like is the matthew morrison version no just kidding the only uh grinch i like is the matthew morrison played alexander are you not in on this like a gen z situation no i i see something about matthew morrison all the time that's a guy from glee right yes and renee renee like this is how bad it is renee's entire instagram has turned into a matthew morrison hate account because like he did this live they did this live action musical and max was apparently like a human like it's very bad stuff and also there's a scene where Matthew Morrison is like humping the air. It's just so bad.

Okay. It's so bad. I mean, I've seen that, like the humping thing, but not when he was in a Grinch costume. Oh, no. Okay. Yep. It's bad. It's a Grinch musical and it just, let's just say TikTok didn't love it and neither did

Renee nor did francisca so oh my it has a 3.8 out of 10 on imdb oh out of 10 okay yeah that's not too good no it's not good um in any case my favorite version is the 1966 tv special uh purist i see purist i am yes uh you know me uh and so there were no boobs in that one i can assure you of that um yeah too many anti-communist themes for me though so oh yeah yeah um man i love that movie i watched it the other day here's the thing that i did on and that's why we drink. This is a spoiler for the And That's Why We Drink episode upcoming this Sunday. So if you don't want to hear it, fast forward. I did a secret episode where I pretended that the Grinch was a true crime story.

And Em didn't figure it out until I started singing. And I was like, and then the village started singing this song. And I was like, oh, forest. And Em was like, just staring at me blankly and i thought if m doesn't know what's going on that i'm gonna be just the biggest fool on the planet um it was great i named the character uh dewey dewey sham and it's it's a synonym for wet blanket um i did a whole thing anyway that's hilarious christina that's impressive oh thank you i when you say secret episodes i mean only the two of you listen to it maybe eva thing anyway that's hilarious christine that's impressive oh thank you i'm very creative when

you say secret episodes i mean only the two of you listen to it maybe eva oh we were just facetiming no oh yeah it's like three hours long of you facetiming like i need to tell you this thing that just happened we say way stupider things on facetime this is the important stuff that we let everybody else listen to um no apparently last year in like november or december i jokingly said like we should do the grinch i should like present the grinch as a true crime story and i got like hundreds of emails this year being like you should do that i'm glad you did that sounds hilarious i might listen to that episode oh yay okay well let me know what you think i just yeah oh wait i just realized it comes out

it hasn't come out yet this upcoming sunday oh oops spoiler alert so don't tell anybody please don't tell anybody if you hear this keep it quiet don't talk about in the atwwd patreon facebook i see you all in there i see see everything that happens. It's going to be a secret. Now, spoiler over, spoiler over. Spoiler over. Anyway, so there are boobs in the Grinch and Jim Carrey put his face in them. And that's all I have to say. The end. Thank you, Alice. We got really far away from the boobs, which upset me, but was probably intentional on your part. It was. Smart, smart. It was. Well, well played. You win this round. Smart. Smart.

It was. Well played. You win this round. You know what? Allison and I had an advantage, I would say. Okay. I'm glad. I'm glad to hear.

Okay. What's next? Me. This one came. So Jeanette sent an email and was like, hey, why don't y'all look up mall Santas? And I was like, you know, that's a good idea. That's brilliant. So I did look up mall Santas um they're all pretty wholesome um they're actually all pretty good uh but i feel like you should listen to my last episode of in that sweet drink which was about jean-benet ramsey and i tell

you not all mall santas i was about to say but overall personally from my perspective i find the mall santa thing unnerving yep um let's just leave it at that here's a review of santa claus at seaport village and photography by eileen um this is a five-star review very friendly and santa was so cute our 13 month old would say otherwise though. Winky face. End of review. What? Talk about unnerving. I don't. What is going.

I'm telling you all of these children are just like mom and dad. I don't want to see Shrek. I don't want to see Santa. Why are you forcing these things upon me? Yeah. Why? I just like it's a picture of a baby. I imagine screaming in terror.

Yeah. And you pay you waited in like a two hour line for this. I mean, listen when i have kids someday i'll be like i get it now but i certainly don't get it now um i mean our dad put us through church like church every sunday these parents put their 13 month old who won't even remember going to see santa once so i don't know did we ever see santa i don't think our parents organized religion am i right did our parents yeah we saw santa i've sat on santa's lap where kenwood or maybe it was no easter bunny oh we did the fucking religious one like yeah of course we did the resurrection of jesus is the only one there i recognize christmas is also oh it's a pagan stuff and you know what i'm'm not going to go into it.

Let's not. Really? I'm already like I'm already anticipating the tweets and it's making me sound like you have a lot of intelligent things to say. I have nothing intelligent, which is why I'm expecting tweets. OK. OK. Guess where I went next.

Guess, guess, guess, guess, guess. In your real life. Wait. OK. So Common Sense Media. And then you went to. Oh, my God. I'm nervous.

OK. Wait, wait, wait. Don't tell me. Don't tell me Oh my god, I'm nervous. Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Don't tell me, don't tell me, don't tell me. Where did you go? IMDB. QVC, my friend. Oh, that's the thing. You told me at the beginning. Come on.

Oh my god, you put me under pressure. Okay, QVC. I went to find Valerie because I missed her a lot, you know? Yeah, me too. I went to find Valerie because I missed her a lot, you know? Yeah, me too. So choice, this is called Choice of Whimsical Holiday Felt Figure by Valerie. And this is by, this is a two-star review by- You're going to have to describe this, Christina.

Excuse me? Describe what? Felt figure? I mean, what does that even mean? Is this like a flat Stanley? I don't even know. Like just a cutout? A felt cutout?

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Here okay okay okay okay these titles it's amazing amazon so their titles are way too descriptive where it'll be like 30 words and then qvc you're like wait i don't even know what to imagine the holidays never felt so good this sweet felt figure will bring a childlike innocence to your home this christmas from the valerie par hill collection includes one figure dressed in red green and black felt indoor decorative use only here i'm gonna send you a picture wait what kind of innocence childlike is that what it said adult-like innocence uh yes childlike what if i bought something like that living alone here in my apartment oh dear is it he has a badonk donk like we said christina it looks like a big thing of poop is stuck to his back it does oh no oxen you're right it does not look like a sack it's not a good look

oh about valerie par hill oh it's a valerie thing i'm sorry yes hello welcome sorry i take it back what if i bought that just to like have a childlike innocence in my like one bedroom apartment i can promise you it wouldn't work it's too late it's too late for me for you valerie par hill is the founder and president of the valerie par company that's good i applied for a job there oh my god wait she was raised in lexington kentucky yeah i know i applied for a job there where she, my God. Wait. She was raised in Lexington, Kentucky. Yeah, I know. I applied for a job there. Where she was crowned Kentucky's junior Miss in 1975. I voted for her.

I know. Listen, you voted for her. Listen, I live near there. I wrote her in in the presidential election. She's very progressive. What if you wrote her in under Kanye West's name? You were like, no, forget it. I just crossed it.

He was a vice president in california so i crossed kanye out and put valerie par hill so she's actually our vice just in california she's my vice president elect elect to be clear elect make gotta make sure can i tell you the name of valerie's first qbc show which uh premiered in 1993 and was an immediate success i already know what it is but tell tell me anyway oh yeah you know uh-huh you don't want to tell us no no no it's okay you tell me to say it yeah yeah it'll sound good for me see i have too much enthusiasm got it i'll say a very like journalist journalistic valerie's first qvc show decorating with wreaths

show decorating with wreaths i did not expect that premiered in 1993 and was an immediate success decorating with wreaths that's where it all began i love that i mean she found her niche though no wonder certainly did look that was the year i was born no wonder my childhood was full of... Childlike innocence? No. Wreathy bliss, you know, is how I would describe my Christmases. And it was probably all because of Valerie. Yeah. Okay, that's a much cuter picture, though. I don't think so. I find it a lot scarier.

Oh, the eyelashes are a little... I don't like those. Wait, should I see it in action? It moves? She's sending me photos of this felt Santa. It's a sweet treat. Look at his hand. Look at his little collar.

Oh my goodness. Look at his suspenders. And his little elf collar. He doesn't have suspenders or a collar. What are they talking about? Are they just making up words as they go? She just said, that's primarily why I relate to him because his feet are so big. Okay, that's funny.

Okay, here's the thing. Do you remember from the title? It's called Choice of Whimsical Holiday Fellow Figure. Now, this one is a Santa, but there's also an elf. I told you she's progressive. She's pro-choice. I'm sorry i continue uh-huh uh do not sue us valerie because i don't know where you stand but um anyway okay to be clear there's a santa

and there's an elf and this is a two-star view by iq too much that sounds like me. I was one of the lucky ones to purchase the elf before it sold out. When it arrived, it was cute. However, the pom-pom was on the hat was laying in the box. The biggest thing was the ears were defective. One ear was larger than the other one and the ears were sewn on wrong. Just felt it was too high price for what it is sorry valerie you are such a nice lady end of review okay that made me sad that thing happened where santa

reappeared on my screen with his little butt that's not a little butt let me tell you folks um christina poor valerie i hope valerie doesn't read those everybody addresses valerie in all the reviews whether good or bad it's like the wildest friend because valerie's that kind of person yeah it's like those people who review us and think that we're their friends or something what a bunch of losers just kidding it's like the people who review us and go like hey idiots you're not funny and i'm like oh yeah i guess they do think we're that's how you talk to your friends right that's how i talk to my friends that's how my friends talk to me that's it okay uh your turn okay

thanks valerie i mean yeah um so i went to imdb and i found a review of the movie Santa's Boot Camp from 2016. Is this a Disney Family original? Starring Hilary Duff? Definitely not. Cadet Kelly. It stars that guy from, what's it, the night train to Lisbon or whatever? Excuse me? I think that's what he was in.

Eric Roberts. What? He's been in a lot of things he's like i think he's the only famous person um ever wait who am i thinking of oh wait no i was thinking of what's his face okay okay okay this is not an interesting segue i was thinking of jeremy irons it's definitely not jeremy i don't know who that is because i'm always thinking about jude law but jeremy irons is okay i going to be mean to someone here. Oscar winning actor.

Then there's Eric Roberts, who's also a famous actor, who actually has won a Golden Globe Global Award and has been nominated for an Oscar. But anyway. I love how you're trying to be like so diplomatic to two people who will literally never listen I'm like, what if Eric Roberts listens to the show? What if his fan club listens though? Then we'd be in big no that's the problem so he's he's been a lot of stuff but anyway so eric roberts is the only person that is probably of any interest in this movie uh but a lot of younger people who hopefully will have great careers ahead of them and hopefully

don't listen to this podcast uh the description says willy wonka meets the breakfast club at christmas whoa that gave me a headache comes i know when kids become so bratty and self-centered that santa's elves go on strike santa in desperation must bring six unscrupulous youths to his boot camp to help save christmas oh so basically the plot is uh that um santa's elves are like wait this isn't okay how you're treating us we are unionizing you won't let us unionize so um this is really fucked so let's bring in child laborers yeah so let's bring in um let's outsource this to child laborers yeah and force them to go through a boot camp so that they can uh bring christmas to everybody got it especially because one of their grandparents is laying in a large bed yeah and can't walk yes exactly exactly and then suddenly miraculously can walk when he's like oh there's a there's a chance i'll get something

spoilers okay i hate grandpa joe one star review of santa's boot camp astonishingly bad this film was a dreary affair which i confess i could not sit through to the end the story is flat and humorless with the adults childish and the kids way too old and mean and cynical and as you might imagine much of the dialogue was to say the least inappropriate for instance dad to daughter at the mall, you are going to sit on Santa's lap and you are going to like it. Okay, this is the first time I've agreed with this person so far. Okay, got it. The people who made this definitely belong on the naughty list.

End of review. That's clever. Yikes. Yikesikes it's right oh it sounds like i don't like when you get into that affect of of top hat guy it really like not in the holiday spirit it reminds me of a pathetic green grocers and i'm not a super big fan of it i love it i love it little green grocer ah but it was a dreary affair i confess i do why do these people watch these movies like a lot of times you'll see these reviews where it's like okay like i watch this with my whatever year old like usually there's an excuse when they leave a one-star review like they were forced to watch it so i'm wondering why this reviewer watched it.

I wonder if they consider themselves like an IMDb reviewer and they just watch all these movies. I wonder. I wonder, yes, under what circumstance this movie even came across their television set. Yeah. They could be playing a game, which sounds kind of fun, where you go to the bargain bin at like a Walmart

and just grab a random movie and will have to watch it with your friends. Make yourself miserable instead of having a good time. And this one was so bad that they had to leave a negative review. That would actually be really fun if you weren't taking notes the whole time. True. Yeah. To write an IMDb review. I was going to say no one will ever read but like well I guess that's not true. Yeah. You just broke that statistic. Three out of five people did find it helpful so at least

five people read it other than us i love the two i'm i'm one of the holdouts you're like ah still gonna watch it you know i like only because of that quote yeah that quote is making me uncomfortable oh i was saying that that's that quote is the only reason you'd actually watch it oh yes i love that part it's my favorite scene that's what i thought okay i have a review of set of 10 decorative cardinal bird clips by valerie yes please okay do you need to know what this is well i mean i assume i'm getting it for christmas so no oh you okay well you will know yeah does that garland need a pop of color how about your tree sprinkle these cardinal clips throughout your holiday home and you'll be astounded at Okay, well, you will know, yeah. Does that garland need a pop of color? How about your tree?

Sprinkle these cardinal clips throughout your holiday home, and you'll be astounded at how they provide just the perfect amount of beauty and charm from the Valerie Parr Hill Collection. I love that this is going to, you're going to have both childhood innocence and the perfect amount of beauty and charm. The problem there, though, there's a problem. It's the perfect amount, so i can't buy anything else oh oh because it would offset the balance frick so it's like would this this would be my

last purchase from valerie and i cannot let that happen let that happen no that would be uh disastrous consequences would occur yes i agree uh so i'm not i'm actually shit hold on let me add to my to-do list return alexander's eight packs of cardinal clips that you bought him for christmas i can't i you know what my apartment is beautiful enough whenever like with all my mirrors that i when i see myself so having eight of those would just be it would just be excessive you think that they would just reflect all around and really become overbearing okay well it's just because my beauty is enough is what i'm trying to say oh i thought you meant that if we had like eight sets of them all the mirrors would create like infinite cardinal clips but i just mean like i just walk by myself see myself in the

mirror every day in my apartment's like wow it's stunning because i'm in it and then weird that like you don't even need cardinal clips no i know i'm i'm a rare bird what can i say well you know what fine i'll return them even though apparently it's a real hassle to return to qvc okay this is a two star view by my 4h girl the design is really good shipping 43 days to be delivered which is completely ridiculous worse is that all the birds did not have beaks this is the second out of three valerie orders this year that were poorly made i looked carefully to find the beaks but it was not in the box it was not on when it was packaged at the manufacturing. Does not really matter how well designed this is if it is not well made. Are you listening, Valerie? End of review.

Okay. Okay. Back the fuck off. You think Valerie is putting those beaks on herself? No, she's taking them off. She's taking them off? She's got to eat. She's got to eat.

They don't feed her. Maintain that girlish figure they got they don't feed her well um so like when they keep and they keep her in their basement she's gotta eat something so she sneaks sneaks felt bird beaks or whatever i cannot believe that all of the birds in her box just simply didn't have beaks it's the creepiest not all of them right wasn't it just i meant did i misunderstand all the birds did not have beaks no i need a picture i miss that all the birds did not have beaks i don't know why i didn't hear the word all yep oh my god that is terrifying birds that is terrifying imagine what they look like without beaks which is just the worst i hope they had like like as if some weird little easter egg in there they put like teeth on

them yeah oh yeah so they just had weird little teeth it's a craft kit you can glue the teeth on yourself oh my god they probably look pretty terrible now here's a set of 10 of all of them and imagine that all of them don't have beaks i'm imagining it you know what those are kind of cute though i don't know it will add the perfect amount of charm to your home i i i believe it and also the perfect amount of like horror and fright oh my god i just love that like i said everyone addresses valerie in the comments and i just love that they're like are you listening valerie hello i hope valerie stopped listening to you folks a long time ago yeah a lot of them are very nice to be fair like a lot of the comments are

like valerie never disappoints and a lot of them oh here like i just like picked a random one please introduce more varieties of birds valerie thank you i think the wildest part to me is that a lot of people it seems from the reviews from what i can gather it seems that they believe valerie handcrafts these because they'll say like valerie you need to pay more attention to where the eyes are located and i'm like okay valerie didn't man paint them for you or some people say i don't want to shop at big box stores so i try to buy stuff from valerie directly and her painting job has just been like i mean they really don't believe like her etsy yeah yeah exactly exactly well valerie hey

it's working whatever you're doing magical. It's pretty magical, whatever she's doing. Yeah. I wonder if that was one of the scenes where she said, you know, the way I relate to these birds is that they don't have beaks, just like me. Just like the elf with big feet. Oh, yeah, I love that. I hope they're, yeah, while they're doing the live thing,

the beaks just all fell off at once. Like, that's intended. What if the beaks are optional? Like, you have to pay extra, the beaks just all fell off at once. Like that's intended. What if the beaks are optional? Like you have to pay extra for the beaks. I love that. So my next one is a redemption. So this is my last one. Do you have two redemptions left?

I do, yes. Perfect. Okay, I'll just do my redemption and then you do your two. Oh, wow. You really were on top of the order here. Perfect. Yeah. So this one, I'm going to try to pronounce it correctly uh is this

santa claus it's a landmark santa claus aka kabouter butt plug okay do you know what kabouter means in dutch sir it means gnome so gnome butt plug no thank you um thank you it is in rotterdam uh and wait what is in the butt plug the gnome butt plug yes um wait like is this being sold on facebook marketplace no no no it's a landmark it's like a statue oh my god it's a landmark it says landmarks and historical buildings, comma, local flavor. Yeah, local flavor, certainly. Okay, go ahead. So I chose this review partially because it actually provided a little context to the statue. It is a five-star review. So let's see what we've got.

The Low Countries seems to house their fair share of interesting statues. countries seems to house their fair share of interesting statues. The city of Rotterdam commissioned sculptor Paul McCarthy, not the Beatles member, to create a piece of public art for a square near the orchestra building. Created in 2001, the sculpture is supposed to depict Santa Claus holding a bell in one hand and a Christmas tree in the other. The locals, or rather anyone with an imagination, thought otherwise. Reception was obviously mixed, with some finding it offensive, while other people thought it symbolized western consumerism around Christmastime gone wrong. It was eventually rejected from its original site due to the controversy, and for several years moved about

the city until it found a permanent place in the Endrox plane. I tried. The statue is only a 15 minute walk from Rotterdam Central Station so I visited the statue on my way back to the station. If the city can design a food hall with a mural of fruits in the ceiling and cube houses as residential spaces, surely it has room for one more unusual object and now i will send you a lovely picture oh my god of the uh kabouter butt plug oh god um and first i know we've said so many things worth uh talking about uh worth sharing on our instagram but my vote this week is for the kabouter butt plug. Here you are, Christina. Enjoy. Oh, my goodness.

It is. It is. Oh, my God. It is quite the statue. It is a large statue, too. Here's another one. Whoa. Okay.

It is quite something. It is something else. That's for sure. I understand the controversy. Oh, my God. I understand the controversy. quite something it is something else that's for sure i understand oh my god i understand the controversy um there's like nothing else that could be i you don't think it could be a christmas tree uh listen i tried and i just can't i can't um yeah so uh that's that you know what i just like heard at the beginning and i i thought i see what happened here they said please design this for a square and he went oh yeah a square i know

what'll what'll piss off that square here's a butt plug for all you squares out there and actually it turns out it was actually paul mccartney from the beatles they got mixed up he was on a little lsd it's like these he was like these people don't know who i am they call me paul mccarthy for the thousandth time i'm gonna fuck with them oh that's great they got the wrong guy and he was like okay if you say so rotterdam uh okay that's funny um well I have two redemptions here for you yeah uh this is a five-star review of set of two skiing snowbirds in puffer coats by Valerie yeah okay just love it I had to find the birds obviously uh you know how they were pilgrim birds yeah well now there are skiing snowbirds and puffer coats, which are just so cute. Nice.

This is Five Stars by Cincy Girl. No, I did not change the name. I collect all Valerie's birds, and these are so cute as all the birds I have got of hers. The size is perfect to slide into any space. I will be putting these next to my three-foot tree of hers I got as well. I just love all of Valerie's products that I have bought. And believe me, I have a lot. Ha, ha, ha.

End of review. The ha's are all capital H and spread out by multiple spaces. Oh, yeah. Oh, I believe it, Cincy girl. And I don't blame you one bit. Where are you, Cincy girl? Because you're not far from me and I'd love to see your collection oh me too actually can i see that'd be great can we have a tour once covet is over i'd like to pay to tour your home this is the first time

i've ever considered breaking quarantine and putting lives at risk worth it oh my god if it means seeing a collection of valerie par par goodies ha i'm so there okay the next the last last redemption i have was sent in by uh britney and the subject of the email was new christmas outfit perhaps and oh my goodness so britney says first of all love you both and enjoy the show every week i also enjoy and that's why we drink and human seeking human few few uh so britney sent this uh review this is a product called christmas gag gift reindeer underwear mankini men thong suits with bells pranks for white elephant exchange gifts valentine's day yep 14.99 with prime shipping and alexander i know you said that like the butt plug was

gonna be it but uh and i agree but this was definitely my front runner before i saw the butt plug hey well we we can put more than one show yeah we do a slideshow for sure here's the product um of the man jesus christ oh my god can you explain it can why why me it looks like i don't know do you see mine did i leave it out alexander stop it it looks like a borat like one of those like really tiny it's a mankini but it has but it has bells yeah and it has a reindeer uh like a rudolph red nose a rudolph nose and it has bells up by the nips and it has googly eyes and a smiley face. It's like really alarming. Well, Jessica doesn't think so.

Jessica actually gave this five stars, by the way, verified purchase. This is the subject. Doesn't cover the whole package. The frank is covered great, but the beans want to fall out. Jesus. Now here's the review. Show off. It gets worse i loved how my boyfriend put it on and did a little dance for me in it i would post a pic but he would be pissed and i don't want to

piss him off right before christmas lol i sang jingle bells while he danced best way you know what i dance for me jingle bells jingle bells when a blaze put one on i sing it was really sexy um yeah i uh i tend to sing to myself in the mirror when i wear this you clip all the birds without beaks to it and i drape them around my shoulders and move slowly singing oh my god jingling jingling jingling i sang jingle bells while he danced best way to get in the christmas spirit his only complaint was the thong part was kind of wide so it didn't fall in the crack well end of review i like that that was his only complaint everything else is perfection so so that means that her complaint was that um what did she how did she put it the beans didn't stay

in yeah because that that was her complaint not his complaint he was fine with that part uh she also didn't have a problem with how the crack was. No, she's like, that's not the part I want to see. Honestly, like, I'm going to, like, I hope this couple is listening. I don't think it's going to work out between you two. If you're having such big issues, like agreeing on things like this, that's, it's a red flag. This is like one of those poor things that when you are getting married in the catholic church the priest brings you to those like sessions beforehand to go through

all the steps of like talk about marriage and like you know whether you agree on big lifestyle choices and like you know family choices and this is i think eight out of the 12 of them yeah um one for each apostle yeah this is actually paul's thing yeah i thought this was gonna be uh a redemption but it's actually just pretty sad that we're seeing the demise of their relationship agreed agreed um so sorry to leave you on such a sad note everyone um well maybe there'll be a christmas miracle and one of them will change their mind yeah maybe maybe they'll swap and she'll put this on while he'll sing jingle bells we can only hope we can only hope the only lol was about like i don't want to piss him off the

lol was not placed any other part of this review that deserved frankly an lol um anyway so that's that thank you uh britney for sending that in and thank you to everybody else who contributed uh especially valerie par hill thank you valerie and a bunch of 12 year olds who wrote weird shit on the internet i'm not gonna speak to the 12 year olds because i don't want to make it seem like i expect them to listen exactly uh anyway thank you everyone for listening to our holiday special if you want to hear the bonus episode, you can go to patreon.com slash beach2sandy. And I think so. Is that right?

That's what I said. So I hope so. Oh, perfect. Okay. You can also look at our Instagram for some goodies this week. Instagram.com slash beach2sandy. You have to see these two pictures. They're pretty wild.

You have to. You have to. You have to. And for everything else, Google it find you'll find it eventually you'll find it there's some there's some good stuff go to qvc.com uh use promo code beach uh for 100 off your order they're just giving it away at this point because we're such great fans of theirs i'm kidding uh we are not sponsored by qvc man that would ever be because that'll be the day that'll that'll be the day i retire because that's the highest that's that's my peak we've peaked yeah yeah so happy holidays everyone oh can i make a quick announcement

always just because i'm very lonely actually i'm doing pretty well but actually no can you stop it's really a bummer but uh for christmas i am i'm streaming on twitch on christmas day so if anyone's like i don't have anything to do or anyone to uh spend time with same with my thanksgiving stream i'm doing a christmas stream except this time i'm streaming uh wearing a full sonic the hedgehog costume uh because it was requested uh and i do whatever my chat was requested by whom yourself in the mirror or like an actual no that was that was me wearing the mankini and then the chat vetoed that idea and so i was like okay well what do you all want right they wanted sonic

the hedgehog so we're doing a sonic the hedgehog christmas special on christmas day perfect can't wait to it'll be yeah you'll you'll be you'll be with family having a wonderful time i'll be sitting in a uh sonic the hedgehog costume for my 10 viewers who yeah but i was in her apartment we'll have the perfect amount of childhood innocence so i think it's is that does that mean i'm getting a little something something from valerie in the mail no spoilers okay can't wait all right everyone thank you no beaks either no beaks yay all right everybody happy holidays uh merry christmas if you celebrate christmas happy belated hanukkah if you celebrate hanukkah happy just stay inside in the in the under the blankets if you don't celebrate either one

and uh happy almost new year because we are getting close to the end of this interesting 365-day period. Let's hope 2021 is somehow better. Yeah, I don't want to make any sort of jinx. I don't want to jinx anything, but let's at least hope tiny, tiny step up would be good. That would be nice. Keep your expectations low. Yeah, please. Thank you, everyone.

We love you all. Happy holidays. Merry Christmas. Goodbye. you everyone we love you all happy holidays merry christmas goodbye