Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 111: Reviews of Golden Corral

Episode Date: January 13, 2021

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. hello and welcome to beach to sandy water to add the podcast where we read golden corral reviews that's all we're doing from now on yeah it's my new favorite thing um i it was awful i thought when we started when you brought up this topic, that I would read it and feel hungry. No, I don't.

I feel sick, pretty ill. It was disgusting. So good. We've done like restaurants before, and I felt hungry even though we were reading gross reviews. Something about Golden Corral reviews are like next level repulsive. And everyone, just so y'all know growing up we love golden corral we would always try to make our mom take us to golden corral i texted mom to ask because i was like oh didn't we used to go and uh kind of opening the door for some intel and uh basically all she had to say was

yes francisca was obsessed with a dessert table and i was like thank you for saying Francisca because I'm sure it was all three of us I mean I spent half my life in a golden corral bathroom though oh that's right oh yeah that's true you really didn't ever end up well after it never sat well with me so no um that seems to be a running theme here yes oh my god yes I don't and now i don't blame you for feeling ill apparently my stomach as usual is made of steel because i never felt ill after golden corral and now reading these i wonder how that was possible i don't get it i don't get it and what i don't understand is how what is blowing my mind is that people will write these reviews saying that they had high hopes for golden corral

yeah that's true the fuck out there is talking up golden corral to people stop i mean we probably were at one point okay but when we were children maybe but yeah as adults we would say oh yeah like this is what you get yeah you got to know what you're getting at a buffet it's gross but you know you can eat a bunch of crappy food and you might get sick but you know a lot of people love it like that's what you get it's yeah who's who's talking about it like it's some fucking high-end cuisine because people got pissed that golden corral wasn't like fucking five-star restaurant just let's stop pretending it is what it isn't you know exactly um yeah i wasn't pretty amazed as well um i thought as much as i have an iron stomach um i was pretty surprised at how really repulsed i was so wait i don't know

i don't know if we're allowed to be talking about this but I know because you're in that lawsuit right now about uh golden corral giving you crohn's disease right you're with your stomach it was so bad that it actually changed my biology and my genetic structure so my immune system has actually been compromised by golden corral yeah that's right it is a lawsuit no lawyer will actually take it but it's a lawsuit i took it on actually recently right not as a lawyer just it's because you needed to pay rent and i was like i guess i have a few extra bucks laying around so by the way i was there where are we with that oh with the lawsuit yeah i think me bringing it up just kind of threw it all out the window i'm sorry oh shit not again to talk about it this always happens i end up hiring podcasters and they like talk about it on air it's my job what can i say okay um anyway yeah golden corral for those who

don't know is a buffet style restaurant that i think you know based on the last five minutes you know but yeah i guess we can give you a definition yeah um yeah shall i begin i guess this is a one-star review um of golden corral food cold not enough white people end of review no one has ever said that going into a golden there's no way you're at the wrong restaurant my friend you're at the wrong restaurant or you found the one in like an actual major city which um is rare yes holy apparently the one we went to uh has closed officially permanently mom sent me the address and i looked it up i mean given given the state of the world right now i'm

not surprised i'm not surprised i'm actually amazed at how many people complained that the golden corral wasn't following safety protocols during covid19 and i was like if you go to an all-you-can-eat buffet during covid i don't know what you expect that was something though reading these reviews from over a year ago people saying oh like frustrated and they're like this can't be good for me when it's they're talking about how packed they are and how like how many people touch the food touching the food all the kids put their fingers in the chocolate fountain oh my god i'm like jesus i swear to god if anyone's just and they stayed open corral uh something's wrong with them i'm sorry

and they stayed open and a lot of people were like i'm still going here during covid but that's why it's not safe oh my gosh okay well not enough white people all right um i also noticed by the way that a lot of people spelled buffet buffett as in jimmy buffett and it auto-capitalized because i guess they would put two t's and and siri would say i know who you're talking about and so a lot of people uh changed it to buffett so i'm gonna i'm gonna read it as buffet just to be clear but just picture if you will yeah not enough white people it's literally auto-correcting to jimmy buffett okay i love that i love that they have the same vibe.

Golden Corral and Jimmy Buffett. I would say, yeah. If you find one of these in like Key West, maybe like that would be the exact Jimmy Buffett vibe, you know? Yeah. Can I take a pause? Because we just got a tweet five minutes ago that's alarming me. Uh-oh. Well, we both know, you and I, that Shaky Graves tweeted and followed us.

Oh, yeah. Followed us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, Shaky Graves just said, your podcast is ideal. If you ever need a guest, holler. Shaky? Is that you? Mr. Graves?

I need to talk to you. We're going to do reviews of Shaky's pizza. That's perfect. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. Famously owned by shaky graves um that's i literally i'm sorry do you see the sweat on my hands i'm freaking out we're we're big fans of shaky graves music so that was we are and if you're like who's who's shaky no not shaky from

how dare you that was a joke how dare you um but yeah, Atira on Twitter tagged us in a tweet under shaky graves and shaky graves noticed us and now he's saying what up to us. And I said, hi, we saw you live in 2015 in Cincinnati, like a huge dork. Oh, gosh. Well, that, listen, I need to, Alexander, as my lawyer, I'm going to need some extra work from you tonight, because I'm sure there's a lot we need to clean up before Mr. Graves. Draft up a contract so Shaky can't, Shaky Graves can't go. Can't back out now.

This Twitter, this tweet is a binding contract, despite what we may have said about Golden Corral in the last 10 minutes. Okay. Anyway. Oh, now the pressure's really on i have to try and uh appease our only fan that we care about now um my stomach was hurting when i read that tweet so i needed to make yours hurt too um thank you my stomach already hurt because of golden corral but i'm glad that you made it worse okay what do you have this is a review by fred it's a one-star review of Golden Corral. Went here for Thanksgiving and the turkey carving guy threw away a giant turkey drumstick instead

of giving it to me. Serious WTF. Came back today for breakfast. It feels 90 degrees and humid in here and the pancakes are completely soaked in veggie oil. I saw lunch getting set out and grabbed what I thought was chicken fajita meat. It was actually gizzard, maybe liver. Imagine a squishy gizzard slash liver greasy baby food. And that's what went into my mouth. Hashtag, hashtag, ugh, strike two and three. End of review.

I lost count. Was that actually three strikes? I guess so. Turkey, gizzard. Well, strike two and three. I don't know which one's strike one. Oh, they don't even know. That's a good point.

Oh, my God. That's disgusting. Just going to put that out there first. Yeah. Foul. What really caught my eye was hashtag, hashtag. To clarify, it's the pound symbol and then the word hashtag. So it's hashtag hashtag.

And then quote, so space, quote, ugh, comma, strike two and three as a bunch of separate words, but in quotation. So I think that's what he thinks a hashtag is, that you write hashtag and then you put a quote of what you're hashtagging. Oh, yeah. And it'll automatically like, wow, that is overly complicated. Yeah, it's very. I didn't know whether to read it because it's hard to explain verbally. But I will tell you, I found one other review that this Fred wrote using the same technique. So I thought I'd read the last line of,

it was a pizza place, perhaps a Shakey's, I'm not sure. But it was a one-star view. Oh, no, sorry, it was a five-star view. And this is the last line of their view by Fred. Hashtag, hashtag, please expand to Houston. End of review. So hashtag, hashtag, it seems to be Fred's go-to technique. You know what I'm picturing? I'm picturing Fred's like this old programmer, like got into computers when they first, you

know, first hit the scene. Sure, sure, sure. Was really into them and is like very knowledgeable, but then like kind of dropped off on that knowledge when hashtags came out. So puts his like old computer programmer brain to work and tries to figure out hashtags himself which i'd say valiant effort like i assume something in programming works that way it caught my attention yeah and so and you know what it might have caught the business's attention it might have worked i will say um it it's very effective. It says hashtag, hashtag, strike two and three.

And honestly, if those were all combined in one word next to a pound sign, I think I wouldn't even be able to read it. So fair. Fair. Doing us a favor. Yeah. Good for you, Fred. Innovative. That food from Golden Corral really gets your brain pumping.

Ugh. Gross. Let's do one from Darlene really gets your brain pumping. Ugh. Gross. Let's do one from Darlene. This is one star. Nothing much to say about this place. The one star describes it all. Thumbs down emoji, thumbs down emoji, end of review. It's not fair because I feel like-

Darlene, that's not how these work. No, it's not. And I feel like I've tried to write a review for like a discount at like a nail salon and it's like yelp always says keep writing keep writing yes oh this is on google huh google google google let's get away with one word people that's not fair people on fucking google reviews will put the word okay and they'll put any number of stars and they'll just say okay the word okay is more descriptive than this review that you just read to me. So true. One star explains it all.

Golden Corral even responded and was like, so sorry for your experience. It's like, we don't even know what happened, Golden Corral. Don't apologize. Don't apologize. Sounds like a toxic relationship. They might think there aren't enough white people either for some reason. Darlene. Classic.

Okay, I have a review by Max it's a one-star review my friend tim no one special recommended this i like how he says it as though his adoring fans on yelp were like i i should commit to this new character you've introduced and he's like no no he's gonna die off this chapter don't worry don't get committed that's so sad if you know what that's how mom talked about tim our stepdad when they first started dating that's true yeah and tim did recommend golden corral yeah so oh oh mom are you writing these mama where are is that why Tim has no friends left? Because he kept telling everyone to go.

Okay. My friend, Tim, no one special, recommended this place. I can safely say we are no longer friends. Food, terrible. Equipment, not fully functional. Staff could use an attitude adjustment. Table layout. If you are in a group of five, good luck finding a seat and being comfortable.

Everything else, how are they still in biz-ness? End of review. So that just really transformed all of a sudden into single letters and Zs abound. I figured it out. The reason why they got rid of Tim out of their friend group was because they had five, couldn't find a table, so they needed to go with just four. Who do we kick out of the island? We kicked out the guy that introduced them to the fucking...

Elksinner. No joke, Elksinner. Uh-oh. This is making a lot of sense because I have a review that goes hand in hand with this of the same Golden Corral, okay? By Tim? And it was reviewed on the same day. This is a one-star review by rachel oh my god we had a group of 12 people and we couldn't sit together we went on a

tuesday night it was overcrowded the food was old and little kids touching everything the only good thing was the water don't think i'm ever gonna trust a buffet again i'm never going again and never listening to tim ever again end of review oh my god what have you done okay i just wanted everyone at the church group to have a good evening i i am hoping that afterwards they're all like tim that was a terrible idea ha ha ha we're gonna write negative reviews and put your name in it i hope so i like how you wrote no one special though that sounds so cruel that is yeah i'm never listening to tim again wow oh times of the world we are so sorry and those were two separate real accounts those were not like fake reviews i checked because i thought this can't be right um nope they're real and uh very mean

and kind of uh i don't know bullying tim a little bit just oh well is that just a little bit to you okay good to know i'm figuring out your crossing a line your scale of of bullying this is kicking someone out of your golden corral table is pretty extreme bullying i'd say that's a five out of five bully that's a five out of five. Okay, my next one. This is by Tim. It's not, but we're going to pretend. One star. Never been here, but based on the pictures, it sucks. They put a picture of a nice looking carrot cake in the photos.

And a few pictures below, there's a customer photo of a sad and abused carrot cake and oh my god they're not treating the carrot cakes very well at this restaurant no this is a not healthy healthy situation for carrot cakes that's sad i mean what a strange way to judge somebody's i mean i guess i guess if the food doesn't look good but i mean what a strange way to judge somebody's i mean i guess i guess if the food doesn't look good but i mean i don't know i saw some i went on the facebook page for golden corral don't ask and i was looking at photos of it and the photos they use are seriously not appetizing to advertise like how could they be like how appetizing can you make food that many children have touched? It's just not going to happen.

By not using real food when you take photos. I know. And even they couldn't pull that off. So I guess it's probably fair to say. It's one of those things where, like, you should know what you're getting by going to Golden Corral. I said this at the beginning. Like, y'all, Golden corral is not a five-star dining experience okay no and it's not pretending to be it's not exactly and they they know where

they stand come on i will say uh i don't think that bother or not bothers me it amuses me gently i don't know is that you would write or review of it you gently what the fuck does that mean weirdo who does i'm trying to use tim golden corral tim no the uh the the fact that you would write a review because you looked at a picture of a carrot cake on the menu and say this place doesn't look very good one star yeah okay like it's not like you get like people always ask like do they get points or something for writing reviews not on google right or maybe you want to be a local guide a local guide which this person happens to be uh-huh okay they've written 108 reviews they have 25 photos of their

own so maybe the photos it's something that's somewhat important to them oh man christina i don't maybe this is their their their thesis for their phd oh their dissertation yeah oh you're saying that they're a visual learner so the carrot cake they need to see to believe exactly it's like that's what their thing is but it's about god god and golden corral it's called god and golden corral is seeing believing and they talk about how like you can believe that carrot cake is really good there but then you see photos you're like oh it's not that great that's how this person sees god um who let them into their phd program i did i forgot that in addition to being a lawyer you also teach on the side yeah or at

least pretend to can you imagine if you started an online college yeah i can because i have the end of my statement i'm like i have thousands of people listen to my voice each week and listen to my teaching so why not you're teaching okay not starting to sound like a church okay um this is a one one star review by tanya still laughing about you saying i did really took me by surprise okay one star by tanya i yelped all the other golden corrals in the area so i went in with no false expectations. I was prepared for the worst before I went. All I can say is, wow. From the front to the back, this golden corral is dirty. The reason I know it's dirty is because I looked. This golden corral looks like one of

those places you go when you go to your dirty cousin's house. You know what I mean. That cousin we all have whose daddy was the crazy uncle who grew up and didn't learn how to clean the house. Well, this particular Golden Corral is like going to eat at your dirty cousin's house. I can't put it plainer than that. Will I go again? I don't know. I have a soft spot for Golden Corral, but I don't know if it's that soft that I'd go again. I don't know. The urge to go might overtake me and you might see me there grubbing. Golden Corral could be making a fortune if they just kept this place clean the service is decent i refilled my own drinks twice some lone waitress came through who i guess was supposed to serve the beverages came to my table waited

for me to finish saying my grace threw two straws at me then ran off to be fair if somebody were like praying and i had to wait for them to finish i would also probably run away in fear um especially at golden corral but also if you want to pray over any food you probably want to pray over gold that's right someone needs to bless that so i i respect it i would say that's probably why a lot of church groups go to the golden corral it seems to be like a trend they're doing us they're doing us all a service they pray over the buffet i should pray over that cheesecake too late for that cheesecake too late sad she threw two straws at me then ran off the serving waitress was very nice though

the buffet is low grade decent only because of the ribs steak and fried fish those were good the rest of the buffet is so dirty i was afraid to pick the food up and put it on my plate to eat it the bread was either bland and hard or tough and flavorless which is basically the same thing as and almost unchewable wait almost unchewable yes okay that tracks i noticed that kids kept going to the buffet unattended and dropping food everywhere ever so often someone would announce over a speaker that quote folks need to come get their kids from the food bar who are unattended no kids under 10 can come to the food bar unattended nobody moved from their seats lol this is the dirtiest restaurant i've ever been in i've never seen

so much rubbish on a floor of an eating establishment the table i chose to sit was already nasty on the floor beneath nobody came to sweep i literally ate in the equivalent of a small dumpster it was so dirty i put my purse on the tabletop instead of beside me on my seat. It was that dirty. Every section was dirty. From the door, this place was dirty. The manager stood by the dishwasher door looking lost-er than a mug. I didn't say more lost. I said lost-er because he was looking just that lost. LOL. The salad bar was dirty. The meat section was dirty. The silverware wasn't dirty. But the place that was holding the silverware was. The whole floor was dirty. I didn't go near the desserts.

I just didn't. I was too full of fried fish, steak, and baked potato. End of review. Are they a health inspector? Jesus. They're like mom. Mom goes into a room and knows every dirty spot in the room. I can't imagine.

It's actually quite incredible and horrible at the same time. That's one of those skills that like, i can't it's actually quite incredible and horrible at the same time that's one of those skills that like you know it's like a blessing and a curse like you can't go anywhere and enjoy it but why would you go to every golden corral in the area if you had this blessing exactly i think this review sums up every golden corral as as well as every uh golden corral regular yes yes you know what you're getting into you gotta pray over the food first yeah don't forget that step yeah and you really just look at the dirt and you just accept it and eat it anyway yeah but then you get mad at somebody because you're just one of those types of customers and then you go back anyway and then you're like well it was almost unshoeable but

here i am back in my old this is the worst food i've ever had see you next week golden corral i mean to be fair like if it is your cousin's house you don't really have much of a choice good point your dirty cousin to be clear yeah um do we have that or are we the dirty cousins yeah i'm gonna be honest i was thinking i was thinking of our cousins thinking who's's the dirty cousin? And then I thought about my apartment and I thought, I'm the dirty cousin. Looking around, I just got chills. Like, I'm for sure the dirty cousin. That's embarrassing.

Our cousins don't listen to it, so we could have said anyone else. They don't listen to it until at one point we say something about Germany. And then they're like, I heard that thing you said. And I'm like, how? Why? Who told you? Word gets around. It's probably dad.

Word gets around. The Schieffer cousins are talking. Yakety yakety. No, for real. It's like that thing they say, if you can't pinpoint who it is, it's probably you. Yeah. Yeah. I can't pinpoint it.

I feel like a lot of our cousins are very clean people. To be fair, that's dad's fault. It says if their dad was the crazy uncle who didn't learn how to clean. To be fair, dad's house is pretty damn clean, though. And to be fair, our uncles are also fucking crazy. That's true. It's a fucking... So we're the only problem.

Maybe just everyone's a problem in our family um it's possible it's possible okay here's um here's uh i don't know why i included this okay here's a review by martha one star food make you go to the bathroom after eating. End of review. Oh, Xander. What's the matter with you? Christina, that's true of all food.

So it's just felt like a very... That's fair. This is like health class in preschool. If it didn't, that would probably be another issue altogether. This is a good thing Martha's teaching us. Food make you go to the bathroom after eating. Boys and girls kind of thing. That's the vibe I got.

Martha Stewart. Martha Stewart. Martha Stewart's health class. Yeah. It wasn't anything bad. The review didn't mention the diarrhea or anything like that. That's true. You go to the bathroom.

Great. How many stars, though? One. See, you know what they say. This one star tells you everything you need to know. Yeah. I don't need to know anything else in life. Food goes in, food comes out.

I'd actually rather not have any more information about this bathroom experience that Martha had. Be grateful. Okay. Question. Can you tell me the, like, I can bleep it out, but can you tell me the actual username of the person who wrote that? Mary. Mary. Okay. Because I was like, there's no way someone named Martha wrote that review. There's no freaking way. Okay. I thought it was going to be like 420 boy teen or something.

I wanted something weird like that. I'll let you know. That's a very normal name. Yeah, it is actually. This is a one star view by Mike. I should have known that eating here was an awful idea.

First of all, when you walk in, there's a damn maze that you have to go through. I had to try- Wait, they're in the wrong place, or they're where I want to be. Wait, what? You have to go through a maze? It gets worse. When you walk in, there's a damn maze you have to go through. I had to try it like ten times before I got to a counter with trays and straws. I like straws but it is hard to balance the cups on the tray.

After tripping over another maze I sat in a seat in the back corner. There was a picture on the wall with some creepy people staring at me. I got up and selected my plate and it was just white they used to have different colored plates but now it's boring there is a lowes right behind this restaurant if i were you i'd eat a pile of wood and build a house with golden corral chicken oh my god i think they're just in the lumber yard i don't know what maze yeah wait they didn't clarify no there's a maze there's amazing they had to go through 10 times to find the straws different punch line like i thought the punch line would be like turns out i'm at a chucky cheese or something stupid no i don't think this guy was even kidding

um it sounded like a fake review at first but no uh it's a real it's a real profile and this is the real deal you only get the real deal here on beach to sammy yeah we don't do any phony fake reviews over here um wow i would go to if there was a maze i would go to the golden corral i don't know i could eat there nowadays but i'd go for the maze maybe that's part of how they like you know how some places have to try and find ways to get to eat less because you're paying like all you can eat um maybe that's what they do they make you walk through 10 different mazes to get to the straws they treat you like a fucking mouse like a mouse elaborate can you smell the food at the end of the maze you gotta work for it i know this this particular pad electrocutes you but it gives you

a really hard and bland bread roll at the end so it's worth it um alexander by the way i like the line that says i had after tripping over another maze i'm like okay wait you're tripping now over another maze like to get to your table i don't know they must be on something did the child leave those like weird ball mazes like the little you know where you like tilt it and the ball goes through the maze and they just like he's a little ball that goes through the maze no and then he's tripping over that object i don't know it makes no sense no okay now i'm not i'm trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense. I'm sorry. I was curious, and I said, vegan at Golden Corral. Oh, God.

To see some sort of guide. And it just says, first sentence, Golden Corral is definitely not a vegan-friendly place. Wait, is this their brochure? Or is this someone's review? You want to hear what breads they have that are vegan? Absolutely. They're flour tortillas that's it to be fair the number of cockroaches that seem to reside in the food make it not vegan

in my mind no matter what it is like the amount of people who saw roaches it's unbelievable did you notice that as well people were saying there were roaches in everything someone's like my girlfriend wanted loves raves about the rice krispies here which i'm like what stop um but then yeah apparently because you dip it in the chocolate fountain oh christina don't dip anything in that fountain i cannot believe what about my entire face i cannot believe people went there just for this fucking chocolate fountain it's like you know how many children and how many grimy people are putting their fucking hands you could probably buy that on amazon for like 40 bucks you know exactly uh oxen are really repulsive and the worst thing i think is that at least on yelp

there were so many photos like they'd be like there's a roach in my ice cream and i'd be like yeah okay likely story and then there would be a literal photo of soft serve ice cream with an actual roach in it. And I was like, okay, so this is not even just exaggeration. There are literally dead bugs. And there was one person who's like a server, a waitress dropped, oh, noticed a spoon, a serving spoon on the floor. So she picked it up and put it back in the nacho cheese. I was like, oh, my God it's it's that it's next level bad and that says two people who have read probably every different type of fast food review that exists this is just like next level

yuck is right anyway sorry back to the vegans golden corral oh no i was done oh that was it nothing to think say about it there's no flour tortilla there is a subject that says part part of the article and it just says vegan and then in quotations substances at golden corral substance it's like plain spaghetti noodles oh god not God. Not even food. Pinto beans. You don't even deign to call it food. So, yeah, I'm not going. And then, oh, but then there's also allegedly vegan vegetable. Ew.

It's sad. And then they said I'd be suspicious because it's like, yeah, I would be too. I would be too. If you breathe and you lose your vegan card there. If you breathe. Your vegan card. Oh, my God. Anyway. Okay. Wow. I you breathe. Your vegan card. Oh, my God. Anyway.

Okay. Wow. I'm going to read a review. This is of Golden Crow, but this is written by their name is a local. I assume a local radio station. But they only have two reviews. I don't know. Okay, here we go.

Never again. I don't know okay here we go never again I rather go to Tijuana for tacos than return to this place feels like chuck and cheese slash Disneyland slash swap meets and a truck stop all mixed into one at the end the food is a total disappointment end of review you wouldn't believe it but after all that the food's actually not even that great i know i was like at the end of what like why what yeah i don't know what's your goal when you get there it's not an entertainment place like you i don't know there seemed to be quite a few mazes involved although people did bring up disneyland a lot because christina the line outside of these places did you have any of those no christina no lines ones in california literal lines out the fucking door maybe they are like entertainment

people were like this is like disneyland lines what is going on they said they'd wait over an hour in lines for a table how why no why is the most important question here oh god who is talking it up so much that these people are willing to wait in an hour-long line to go go to fucking golden corral okay but like what was the overall star review of those places was it like decent or was it like bad i'll look it up again i don't think i think it was decent see that's baffling because all the ones i looked at were like easy two stars total oh really yeah like that i don't think it was 4.4 stars 6 000 6 000 reviews 4.4 stars what okay so this has to be like californians like being like let's take a look at what middle america is like the other one was 4.2 6 000 reviews that's got to be what it is then it's got to be just a

what do you call it what do you call it i don't know to them it's like a look into americana yes like a like a freak show like a fair where they're showing up in like the 18 and then it turns out they sit down the employees are like you are the freak show big twist that you're part of after all that um yeah here's your flower tortilla but yeah people people well it's funny a lot of people would review them and they'd say man i love the one in orlando but this one is garbage and i'm like what multiple people at the same okay it's probably like connected to disney or something like they're probably part of disney you know what i'm saying like the one in orlando think of that what i was thinking is these people

are traveling okay i guess now that you mentioned it to disney they are um but they're traveling getting golden corral somewhere else having a great time they're like let's see where the closest one is so they'll go on these drives to golden corral no it's got to be if there's that many reviews people are just high on the mickey mouse and they go in and have a great time maybe that's the key maybe those are the really good golden corral i tried googling that before y'all get mad about it, there's nothing, no connection. All these Disney people are going to be like, don't you dare associate with us with that nonsense. And then all the Golden Corral people are like, don't you dare associate us with that nonsense.

Okay. Well, fine. But I have for you a review sent in. Now this, okay, we got a few reviews in emails i only used one um i didn't i didn't check them well you didn't no because i had plenty christina well okay gold mine i'm sorry fine you had a gold mine well fine because i thought no your reviews weren't that good please i know I know. They were a bronze mine. Sorry. Somebody in a review said more like bronze corral.

And it was not funny. And I don't know why I tried to repeat it. Yeah, it wasn't funny. It's simply not. Especially because that's not how bronze works, you fool. Have you ever played RuneScape? Please. So this was sent in by Amber.

And the email says this is only for christine since the sib who will not be named shamed me for being unaware of the wendy's twitter account oh i did i did see that one because i read that i was like only for her let me read this i'm like oh it's someone annoying yeah yeah it's someone annoying. Yeah, it's somewhat annoying. Amber, I don't think you're annoying. Amber decided to look up the Golden Corral near their work and is an essential worker. So thank you. And now here's, I'm just going to read one of them. Thank you, I guess. This isn't for you.

Will you stop responding as though anyone's talking to you? Okay, I'll use the bathroom. This is a food make you go bathroom time martha stewart okay this is a review by aiden um it's a one-star review of golden corral meh one the place was as dirty as oscar the grouch trash can two the yeast rolls were burnt and crunchy three they were out of pizza and ham the whole time I was there. Four, they shut off the chocolate fountain because some kid stuck his face in there. Last, if you want a better buffet, go to the school cafeteria.

End of review. Oh my god. That's a new one. Stuck their face into the chocolate fountain? I've read that a few times. Or like they were trying to lick it or they put their fingers in it and licked it i mean really repulsive stuff also does that person not know that oscar the crowd grouch's trash can is actually massive in there and he has like pets and stuff wait what oscar

the grouch are you serious yes that's where that's where that's where what christina oscar the what do you mean he has pets how many what kind of pet isn't he a pet what the heck you can't just say that talking about um his diverse menagerie oh my okay well now various dogs a cat, a pig, several elephants, and a donkey. His favorite pet is his worm, Slimy. Oh, I do know Slimy. Okay, but a worm, sure, that fits in the trash can. An elephant? Yes, Christina. When they think I'm a fool?

He has a cow, a fly, a skunk. Okay, another fly. Termites, a whale, another cow, a dragon, multiple dragon multiple cows okay this is getting out of hand oscar this sounds like ran the can ran the man and dan and trash can all over not imaginary don't you dare say that oh i'm sorry are all your friends imaginary i thought they were real you told me for many many years okay you got me i'm just gonna read my last review okay did you know oscar the graduate has a girlfriend i didn't i'm reading the wikipedia page uh significant other name gringetta live in a trash can gringetta parentheses girlfriend this is the greatest

thing okay oh hang on in an unused sketch referencing the hebrew version of sesame street oscar finds out that he has a cousin in a play on the name of the ashkenazi tribe of jews oscar explains that his cousin's name is oswald and goes by ashkan ozzy ashkan ashkan ozzy although phil oh wait here we go although film the sequence was deleted after children's test audiences did not get the pun i don't either i don't either ash could like ash cannot so ash can oh ash christian no you fucked it up by saying ash can okay so yeah we don't okay trash can ash can i know i know it makes more sense yes when you're reading it yeah excuse me he lives in his car and would not move into a recycling bin what i don't know i love that they're like recycling i like that they're like

oh kids just don't get the pun it's like i don't think anyone understands anything about what you're saying oh boy i mean he went on 23andme found out he's part ashkenazi got his found his like fourth cousin 0.83 genetically related lives in a car it's a whole thing who happens to be named ashkan or whatever it's like trash can without the tr oh my god okay children didn't get the pun and then i stare blankly at you until you explain it to me thank you i like that he has to tell maria about it she's like oscar like what are you talking about oh my god okay this is my last one and this do you have any more no uh i have a redemption oh okay well this is kind of relevant or i thought it was it reminded me a little bit of my challenge this week.

I thought you were going to say your childhood. And I was like, oh, let me buckle up. This review is by Grunjetta. One star. The food was Luke whatever's. Maybe the dinner time is better. End of review. Luke whatever's?

They couldn't figure out the phrase Luke warm. So they said Luke whatevers. What? What else could it possibly be? I don't know. Luke. Lucky Luke. But you'd be surprised, Christiane.

Someone's knocking. Someone's knocking on my door. Okay, be careful. I don't feel a package coming today. I don't know what that is. Maybe it's your cousin. Wasn't he coming to town today? Oh my god, it's a trash can what was that alexander sorry that was my fucking landlord i think what did he say

i've never met him in person but he's like hey alex sorry i didn't respond to you and i was like and i wanted to see you in person yeah it fucking scared the shit out of me he's like i wish you would move back into this recycling bin i've put out for you i know you like living in this fucking heard me yell it's a trash can and then i walked over and then i was like and then and then i'm like sorry i'm actually working right now and he's like okay you're screaming like ashkenazi oh my god and also trash how long was he there listening i mean to be fair we live in la so it's like not that far off um a normal work day yeah oh fuck that's awkward did you just like kick him out of your apartment no i never i never let him in no i know but did you just like kick him out of your apartment? No, I never let him in. No, I know. But did you just say like, please leave?

Yeah, I said, I'm working right now. I was like, and he's like went on to go see someone else probably. What did he want from you? I don't know. I emailed him something very important. So that's probably why he's here. Anyway, Luke whatevers. Luke whatevers.

I feel bad. Now you're making me feel bad. Should I go out there and be like, hey. there no please don't come on in you want to record a podcast it's very strange that in the middle of a day out on monday he showed up at your door it took me by surprise that's for sure i feel like you'd first call somebody or email them thank you yeah no i'm uh he's a big fan of the show though so maybe you just want to get on well you did tell me you were charging now people to listen live so i guess maybe is that what you're talking about that

the person the audience member you were telling me about yeah and the three people sitting on my couch right now got really mad they're like oh is this a new person is this a new did they pay money because i paid good money for these seats that's is that shaky oh my god i didn't know you'd already invited him over well the sad thing is i have my headphones on so they can't actually hear you just me but that's what they came for that's what they paid for right they don't pay for it to hear my bullshit i think most people actually don't i mean nobody really pays i guess unless you're on patreon but i think most people come for for your, not mine. Okay, so I have two redemptions, Andy.

Redeem us. I couldn't help myself. Okay. So actually, the first one is a review that we've already read. Remember when I did this last week? You literally just did this. I did it again. So I found this.

I found this. To be fair, I found this before. And then I realized this, I found this, to be fair, I found this before, and then I realized this sounds really familiar. So it was actually something I stumbled upon in the real world again, because during a Thanksgiving episode, I read this review by Katrina of Golden Corral. Four stars. We decided, don't love by the way, tell me if you remember it. We decided to eat out on Thanksgiving this year instead of staying home to cook. When our family arrived here, the line was out the door.

Surprisingly, we only stood there for about five minutes. It moved quick, extremely satisfied. The only thing that we didn't like was the cramped seating. You could see the other customers rolling their eyes and muttering under the breaths as our waitress walked us to our table. We had to squeeze past several tables so rude especially on thanksgiving is this a celebrity i don't understand why does anyone care that they're there muttering under their breath that's what you said you didn't say

that but you were like why are they muttering yeah what is wrong with these people so she's a persona non grata the food was good and overly stocked i didn't like too visible pushing and glaring okay you're right something is wrong i'm realizing it now that i'm saying it out loud i didn't like too visible pushing and glaring from the other customers in line i almost told some old lady to stfu because she was glaring at me like i was going to scoop up all the guac and sour cream i only took two scoops yet she piled at least five scoops of turkey dressing on her plate greedy no complaints about the quality of the food it tasted great great. Cooks were constantly refilling the buffet. There was a long line for the chocolate fountain, really?

And of course, a long line for the turkey and dressing. I wanted to tell the pushy people they weren't going to run out and to calm down. Besides that, I will return, but on a slower day when there aren't so many pushy people in line. End of review. Wait, when was this on Thanksgiving? This was last, so not 2020 but 2019 i read this yeah and it was on thanksgiving day i just realized like they're complaining about going on a busy day when they went on thanks on thanksgiving day i just i the thing that i think we harped on last

time was that she was counting how many scoops that she put five scoops of gravy and then calling this other person greedy and then they put i don't know she's like like who's counting she piled at least five scoops uh i almost told her to stfu how dare she judge me for how much i'm putting on my stuff while she's putting all this on greedy person person. But yeah, I do remember that. Oh, greedy old lady. Anyway, so that's that. I just found it and thought it was... And now this is the final redemption. This is my favorite.

This is a five-star review by Jeremy. I loved overeating at this place. I could put... Me too. I mean, that's kind of... That's probably the most spot-on review so far. I loved overeating at this place. I could put gravy and spot on review so far. I loved overeating at this place.

I could put gravy and chocolate on anything I wanted. I even made a new food, pisketlevi, which is pizza, gravy, spaghetti, and chocolate. End of review. No. Pisketlevi. Okay, now I feel very nauseous. Pisketlevi. Pizza, gravy, spaghetti, and chocolate. End of review. Thank God. Yes, that's the end.

Goodbye. Let's move away from... I actually do feel quite ill, and I didn't even read the grossest ones I found. It's time for my challenge. Do you know who gave me my challenge? I do. I wrote it down. This was from Mary, actually. Thank thank you mary my challenge was to find um a review where someone um messed up their uh messed up an idiom oh yeah so it was lots of fun it was lots of fun and i would like okay so people did write in to try to help and it was kind of funny that these people would write in with their idioms because i'm like like they were so specific and it was so fun to read them because it's like whatever their family members did and it's stuff where like we would hear our family members say and we're like yeah this seems normal and then like so

we'll or like i bet every other person messes it up this way. And then now I'm reading these and I'm like, no, you know what? Actually, probably not. But like, let's see. I'm going to give you an example. So someone, this is Becca. Becca, she has a couple that she has said herself. One is, too many hands in the pot and the noodles get dirty. Oh my god.

That's pretty good. The other one is, we can feed two birds with one corn. Which, I will say, PETA released that list of idioms to get away from negative animal stuff, which I thought was hilarious. But one was, feed two birds with one seed, or something like that. Oh, so maybe it's

pretty close so becca you're onto something here new and improved but i actually looked that one up feed two birds instead and so many people use that like it seems like a normal thing pretty harsh to say you're gonna kill two birds exactly it's just a it's also very strange it's like oh yeah i'm gonna actually put these i'm gonna fax these business reports while i also make a copy i'm gonna go murder two birds is the other way that i like to phrase it like what who came up with that oh thank you thank you do you like how i know a lot about business reports oh absolutely absolutely um oh my god and then julie also uh she her as well uh julie wrote in and said that she was reminded of an idiom that her very eccentric mother commonly said when she was younger without

seemingly any context she would say things like if wishes were fishes pee in your hand throw it out the window and she said that's one that was one whole thing oh i was that was one quote okay sorry if wishes were fishes pee in your hand and throw it out the window? Yes. Okay, so I'm already catching on. You said it very well. As an eccentric mother myself. Right, Gio?

There were many nonsensical versions of this, and I'm not sure if she ever said it the same way twice. And here's another example. If wishes were dishes, break them all and throw them out the window wait kill two birds with one stone and throw them out the window there's a third one if wishes were dishes pee in your hands and throw it in the fishbowl this lady is my new favorite oh my god and and yeah and then at the end said uh as an adult i tried to look up the actual saying but even google has conflicting ideas and then she's like please stop confusing me so while this probably doesn't help you at all with your challenge and i was like at the end of the email like i'm reading this whole thing she's like this probably won't help you at all and i'm

like well thanks she's like but it it actually helped me get process a lot of my childhood trauma thank you but no i'm just kidding uh julie i did appreciate your story so thank you oh and then I'm like, well, thanks a lot. She's like, but it actually helped me process a lot of my childhood trauma. Thank you. But no, I'm just kidding. Julie, I did appreciate your story, so thank you. Oh, my God, that's really wonderful. Oh, and then she said, and unlike your family, English is my mom's first language, so she can't use that as an excuse. To be fair, I find that pretty obvious, because these are very creative.

Fair. I mean, pee in your hand over and over seems to be a favorite of hers. I don't know where that was. What inspired that? Golden Corral. Her experience at Golden Corral, probably. Food make you go bathroom. Pee in your hand and throw it out the window.

You know how it goes. Pee in your hand and put it in the chocolate fountain. Okay, so I went looking. Didn't find anything wild like that, but I found some misused and misspelled mostly idioms that were kind of fun. This first one is a one-star review of, this is of an American Tire Depot where you buy tires. It's very long, i'm gonna read the first and last paragraph horrible customer service and shoddy work shoddy is spelled s-h-o-t-t-y i don't think that counts but if case you're counting it was an aw situation shoddy shoddy

um reuben at the front desk lacks the knowledge to understand the industry he works in. He is there only for a paycheck. Now, and then I'm skipping ahead. Now I find myself in another shop with them removing and providing me with new lug bolts since American Tire Depot stripped the locking lug bolt and the key. Now I know that the techs saw the stripped lug bolt and the key now i know that the tech saw the stripped lug bolt they messed up a few months earlier and decided to use the tread as an escape goat when in reality it wasn't dishonesty and damage being covered up is no way to treat a customer never

going back to the clowns at this location stay away end of review look at these clowns over here these escape goats yes i love that wrote out the scapegoats and also they said they used it as an escape goat when it wasn't that but if you're saying it was that then you're saying like hey they were using this like i don't know i feel like they contradicted themselves as well and didn't understand what it meant which i probably could have gotten just when they spelled it a scapegoat but you know i'm i'm gonna overanalyze it oh the scapegoat is good doesn't that happen in the office not to bring up the office literally for the millionth time every single time don't we oh yeah i'm pretty sure but um i will i would like to say though that a lot of idioms when, like, a scapegoat was an escape room.

People, like, named themselves, like, an escape room company named themselves escape goat after that. So it was difficult to find Yelp reviews that mentioned a scapegoat that did not include escape rooms. That weren't about literal the company. Yes. Escape Goat LLC. Got it. My next three, I only have three more,

but they're all five stars. This first one is of Botanica San Lucas. Five stars. I never take the time to write reviews, but by all hands, this place was a blessing in the skies stop it blessing in the sky how adorable that's not going cute though i love that i feel like it still kind of works i thought we were doing by all hands and i was like what does that i see that i thought that

might be in there too double entendre yes a double entendre. Yes, sure. Certainly using that wrong, I'm sure. I can use you as an example for my next review. I came out happy, calm, and collected with the information I took with me. The lady, she was on point with everything I was going through and I didn't even have to tell her a word. She just read

it all from the cards. Things that she told me that were going to happen happened. I am a returning customer that were going to happen happened. I am a returning customer for life. End of review. Wait, what is this place? A psychic, as dad says? I didn't think so until that. A tarot card reader?

But it's, yes, it's a religious goods store in Los Angeles. Oh. What's it called? Botanica? Botanica San Lucas. Okay. Well, maybe it is a Botanica. Botanica San Lucas. Okay. Well, maybe it is a blessing in the skies.

Yeah. Maybe it's like literally a blessing in the sky. Maybe. I know. So it kind of fits, but not really what you'd think. Not quite there. Yeah. They did their best. My next one, this is of California Ticket Fighter.

So it's like a legal service where if you get a ticket, they'll fight it for you. Five star review. Got an unsafe lane change ticket and Isaac helped get me off completely scotch free. Highly recommend to anyone who got a traffic ticket. End of review. Oh, that's a bummer. Why? Scotch free? Scot scotch free i feel like

you could get at least a sip in there well the thing is there's also a dui in there so scotch free oh okay so they really are doing the lord's work here the lord's work how could i make that wrong yeah i don't know christina i'm just showing off over here with all my correct idioms. And this final one. This is of the Laundry Company. This is in Cambria. That's actually, I stayed up in Cambria. Why are there so many California ones?

Probably because you're in California. It must do it that way. I think it does. It must because it just, I don't know. Mine were always in LA when i lived there um but yeah so the laundry company is a small store in cambria california which is where i stayed for like a long like a week or something when i quit my job you didn't you like run away yeah it was great like in all seriousness yeah i kind of was just like i'm gonna run away and we were all like should we follow him that was great i know what yeah it was just like, I'm going to run away. We were all like, should we follow him? That was great.

Yeah, it was a good time. Yeah, we were watching. I saw some elephant seals or something. What? You were watching? Yeah. What? Okay.

We followed you to make sure you were okay. Okay. Was I? Because I don't remember. No, not really. Well, I'm glad you were watching that. You certainly didn't get off scotch-free, if that's what you're asking. This is of the laundry company. I never went, went but it's you never went to the laundry company no christina i didn't is it a dry cleaner no it's a store that like sells

irreverent goods i don't know how to even describe it the way that people talked about it it has like all these like tchotchkes and stuff that are very like, like knickknacks that are very... Irreverent? Yeah. Like weird random things. Like tea towels that say the F word on them? Yes, yes, yes. Okay, got it, got it, got it.

Okay. Okay. The Laundry Company is a little oasis of tongue and cheek fabulousness in the somewhat antiquated Cambria. Owners Kirk and Joseph have done a great job outfitting the store with original t-shirts, awesome gift items, and a great selection of trashy cards perfect for my high-class friends and family. Anywhere you can buy baby clothes and merch that makes being an alcoholic housewife look glamorous Yep, I knew it! is A-okay by me.

By the way, they also sell a top-of-the-line fart machine. End of review. Tongue and cheek. I didn't have to try to explain what it was. Yeah, no, that was... I should have just shut up and let you say that review. Yeah, tongue and cheek. Beautiful.

When you Google, you get a lot of butchers, and you get a lot of restaurants, and the different tacos people order. Y'all. Y'all. I agreed. Agreed. It was OK.

It wasn't difficult. Like it was not one of the most difficult challenges I've ever had. It was just a lot of like, oh, my rolling my eyes. Why are these people like companies would name themselves tongue and cheek? And I don't love that. I don't love that. I don't love that. So did you find most misused idioms and then Google those? Yes.

Okay, interesting. And there were some weird ones in there, but I did things like Doggy Dog World, because I thought that would be great. Christina, the number of fucking places named Doggy Dog World because of dog daycares and stuff yeah damn oh that was good sandy that was very fun i tried mary i hope i made you proud an alcoholic housewife so thank you oh that's pretty spot on um wow that was great do you have a challenge for me i have I have. I'm all ready. Okay. Are you not?

Define ready. Did you just call me an ass? I said gasp. Gaspo. Okay, what about, since we now have our friend Mr. Graves on board, or at least according to his tweet we do, I don't know if he's actually ever going to listen. We're getting a little ahead of ourselves.

But what if we did, like, I was going to say reviews of concerts. I don't know. Like music venues. Music venues? Yeah, music venues. Just general music venues. That sounds good. We'll do music venues.

Yeah, I like that. We should do music festivals. That counts as a venue. leave it open music venues including festivals such as bunbury 2015 featuring shaky girls okay what's my challenge uh your challenge comes from dylan he him uh his challenge for you is to find a review where someone tries to get a job through the review or recommend their family member for a job okay alexander not to do this again but we literally had this review of the beach water park where that person said my son should be your manager we did didn't we you can do it again christina you just three in a row

you have a good memory for these i don't know why because i had to listen to every freaking episode over and over to do that that's fair you got yeah that is fair that's the only reason but yes i might actually do it a third time and then i'll stop i promise everybody okay good um that's great i love that uh super super on board so anyway thanks mr graves um we'll see we'll see you all next week and uh send in any reviews you have if you want us to use them yep Yep. Talk soon, everyone. Bye. See you later.