Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 112: Reviews of Music Venues

Episode Date: January 20, 2021

Please consider contributing to the fundraiser for Milan Loncar: https://www.gofundme.com/f/milans-memory Follow us on TikTok! tiktok.com/@beachtoosandy Check out our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy! Subscribe to Christine's YouTube channel to watch her read creepy stories! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCb-gAs8Evw3ht70wTk1TiMA Listen to Alex's newest podcast, Human Seeking Human: https://linktr.ee/humanseekingpod Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning, in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem?

Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. hello and welcome to beach to sandy water too at the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion i'm christine and i am alex okay before we get started uh we heard from a listener who reached out and wanted to let us know that she's uh recently gone through a pretty tragic situation and has been listening to the podcast to kind of get through it.

She lost her boyfriend, unfortunately, in a pretty tragic and cruel way last week. We were very touched by her story and her message, and we just wanted to dedicate this episode to her. Yeah, so this episode is dedicated to her, Olivia, and then her boyfriend, Milan. We're thinking of you, Olivia. We're thinking of Milan's family. And you have the support of the entire Beach Juice Sandy community behind you. Yes. So Olivia, we love you. I'm so sorry for your loss. And I can't even fathom what kind of trauma you're dealing with um so olivia shared with me a link that we're going to put in the description the show description uh for a fundraiser to help support

milan and uh his family so thank you olivia and uh i guess now you're going to be have the unfortunate experience of having a podcast uh a podcast about shitty concerts dedicated to you we'll try to make it good but no promises we always try it never really works yeah we haven't gotten a good one yet but maybe today's the day yeah i've stopped hoping for the best but um uh oh also this is uh like significantly less of an important announcement and so i don't know how to smoothly transition into the fact that we have a tiktok now so i'm just gonna say i'm not like that i'm just gonna say it but that was in my notes for today so i have to say it we have a tiktok and it's at beach to sandy

no it's it's fun um so i'm sorry it's gonna be like highlight video you'll see actually you'll see i've already made a bunch of them and they're going to be little like clips. I mean, that's what TikTok is. Yes. And I think it's perfect because a lot of people want to share specific clips from our shows or specific little voice things. Tidbits. Tidbits.

I don't know what you'd call these. But it's hard. Sound bites. Sound bites. tidbits tidbits i don't know what you'd call these um but it's hard sound bites sound bites but you'd say oh you have to go to episode 56 um 21 minutes in 37 seconds i don't know what happens at that point in that episode so don't get mad if it's something weird but yeah so now we'll have some uh little highlights for you on our there's a secret message there's a secret message at that exact timestamp. I'm checking it now.

What episode did you say? I think I said 56. 21 something. I don't even remember what I just said. Okay, well, someone will figure it out. Someone will figure it out. Some dedicated fan will listen and figure it out for us. It's something in ski resorts in Burlington.

Oh, boy. Oh, it's you cackling and then you talking about M. Oh, God. And you falling off a chairlift. Okay. I felt. Oh, well, that is pretty. That's good stuff.

Good stuff. Anyway, where were we? So I have a lot of reviews this week. Should I go first? I have six, so. I have six also. Perfect. You can go ahead no i'll you know

what you go i go okay okay okay so this was an email from taylor who wanted to send us some international music venue reviews so this is uh from galway ireland at roshin doof thank you for sending me a pronunciation guys such Such a good venue, though. Roshin Doof. So she said he brought in Galway and has always heard wild things about this place. So here are some reviews. This is a review of the Roshin Doof. Oh, my God.

Stop saying it. I'm sorry. By Michael. Oh, she also said, I know you love a good owner response and boy do these deliver. So the real kicker is the response from owner. Got it. I won't. I will not think that the first part is funny or fake it being funny.

Yeah. Good idea. This is by Michael. One star. Bouncers really beating people at the gates. Also stole my coat. Response from owner okay end of response you know what when i said i had a owner's response to look forward to that is not what i picture let me send you the picture it's so how many o's how many like a thousand okay k-a-y

wow and it even says translated by google because i thought it was a different language oh my god okay and the translation i don't know why this made me laugh so hard um because the owners clearly got on there and was like this is the only appropriate response to saying the security was beating people up i did i wow i thought i'd get a shutdown that is i don't know i guess it is kind of a shutdown just not what i expected not quite it's similar to yours um this isn't just about the text of the review so i will read the text this is of oh and also because i'm obnoxious only chose venues i've been to oh have fun so you can brag about it got it so i can talk about it because i miss going to venues and you know it's

kind of weird i've started loving music again this year like i think i don't know if it was my depressing depressing depressing what's it called depression i forgot what it's called for a second but yeah i've been struggling listening to music but like this year i've listened to so much more new music it's all emo music so maybe it's still part of the depression but we're taking steps in the right direction anyway this is a billy talent it's not billy talent that's all i want to listen to my current favorite band is michael sarah palin spelled like michael sarah like wonderful and then palin i was just you know i was sitting alone in my bedroom yesterday i don't want to hear this i gawk about michael sarah palin

you're like get you said the word depression and i was like uh no no i was sitting alone in my bedroom don't even ask i had to look something up. And all of a sudden, I just said, I can see Russia from my house. And it just like appeared in my brain for no reason. There wasn't like... Now that is an intrusive thought. And I was like very angry because I was like, why of all things that I learned in high school and college, like that's the one that resurfaced. It wasn't like a good fact about long division. Like I don't even know how to do that okay what would that help with anyway i sometimes i try to do long division and i don't know how why would you try that why bother i don't know because i'd rather know that than

a quote from sarah palin that really really became an overused bit anyway it just appeared in my head yesterday and i said it out loud to myself and uh so anyway okay now everyone has it back in their heads perfect back in the zeitgeist um yeah go listen to michael sarah palin it's one of those bands i discovered then i was like oh they broke up great oh no but yeah their ep growing pains is fantastic um okay this is a review of the greek theater uh i saw what are their names? Oh, great. I almost saw Dr. John, but we were late. I saw the National there, so.

No, you didn't. Yes, I did. At the Greek? No, we saw the National at Hollywood Bowl. Okay. We're getting there. I have a Hollywood Bowl review. I don't know the difference between the Greek and the National Bowl.

Okay, I saw the Avid Brothers. That's who they're called. Oh. Okay, cool. This is a one-star review. Great theater. Yikes. I felt really packed in here.

Took 20 minutes to buy a drink and they were 24 bucks each. Didn't enjoy the show here. Bad view from seats. You better hope the person in front of you doesn't have big hair. Attached photo is my $200 view. End of review. Except they took a photo with flash of the back of somebody's head. And, Christiane, when this person says big hair, they mean like a top bun or a high bun.

I don't know what it's called. Like a bun, like in a normal spot. Right. Here. Oh, so it's not like Marge Simpson. It's just like a normal hairdo. No, it's like just a bun, like in a normal spot. Right. Here. Oh, so it's not like Marge Simpson. It's just like a normal hairdo. No, it's like just a bun. And you can tell that the flash was on when they took the photo.

That's horrifying. Like literally her ears are glowing because the flash is so bright. People, huh? People suck, dude. Okay, here we go. This is another review from Taylor of the exact same place in Ireland. And this is another owner response. Wait, what was the name of the place?

I forget. This is a review by John. One star. This place is not safe. The door staff are not licensed. Response from owner. Thanks, John. We take pride in that fact john thanks for letting us know we just got listed the least

safe place to go to a concert and we're proud of it this is like horrifying all right that's it oh my god i love it okay this next review is of the echoplex here in los angeles where i saw chad valley and uh my friend stranger cat i believe was like i was hanging out there i don't know if she performed i think i've invited to an emo night there once oh is that right an emo night because guess what i have a review no a one-star review went to emo night recently here i raged i cried i danced i cried some more lost my glasses cried even more emailed their lost and found and didn't get any reply whatsoever and now i'm even more sad than when i went there to be sad this is the saddest review i can give with tears in my eyes thanks for nothing end of review wait that sounds so familiar is that from the growing pains album isn't that their first single

oh my god leave michael sarah palin out of this i that's very funny. I am sadder than when I came to be sad. It's the most emo review. I think they seem a little self-aware. They're like, yeah, I know I came here to be sad, but maybe not this sad. Can you give me my glasses back? I know that helped with the mood, but now that it's over, can we just fix that? I'm picturing an emo Velma from Scoooby-doo because she lost her glasses and she's just like crying but her orange skirt is actually black now uh to be clear i never went

to emo night and i still regret it um but i'm really scared of being like social sometimes so i just didn't go but i wish i had um or maybe i don't wish i had, because I do wear glasses, and that might not have ended well for me. No, they snatch them. Oh. Thanks, John. Okay, so this is a one-star review by Brendan. This is the last review of this same place, and another response from owner. Staff rude and pretentious. Service non-existent.

Wouldn't go back if I was paid to. Response from owner. That seems unlikely. End of response. Which part seems unlikely? That you'd get paid. You wouldn't go back if you got paid. Yeah.

It just made me laugh. The first one, okay, then thanks, John. That seems unlikely. I feel like they're not understanding the purpose of that the ability to respond i think they are i think maybe they are true establishment that is they ended up on here isn't that the whole point is that all point to get on our podcast everyone's goal i mean but yeah like but it feels like they're not even being trying to be humorous they're just humorous it's true it feels like they accidentally have a voice to to be humorous. They're just humorous. It's true.

It feels like they accidentally have a voice to text on and like it's just translating what they're saying. And they're like, oh, thanks, John. Or like. I used to think they're only like a few kind of owners. Like this seems like a new kind. Yes, it does. Sometimes the owners will purposefully be like extra funny. Yes. Sometimes they will be very kind even when they shouldn't be.

And sometimes they'll just hardcore kind even when they shouldn't be and sometimes they'll just hardcore defend themselves no matter what and this just seems like a weird like i don't know just someone got a hold of this account it's like okay that's exactly providing anything except for humor for us oh it made me laugh anyway good stuff good stuff we've got a couple now from uh riverbend uh nancy maddie okay um i saw rascal flats there um with kirsten we also went and saw blake shelton but we've already covered that story and then i had to talk to the the sheriff and where you almost got arrested yeah good times but anyway also successfully saw rascal flats there also we don't just watch country music concerts i promise it seems like we do but yeah yeah do we maybe we do it's it's been too long christina it's

i haven't been to a concert in so long i don't even remember what it's like here is a review of riverbend one star called their ticket box office today to ask how much tickets for a show were. After I had just sat on hold for eight minutes, I looked at the price online and they were about $30 cheaper online, which doesn't usually happen, than they were in the box office. Politely asked the dude why that was and he hung up on me. So, of course course i called back again politely asked whether to drive all the way there for tickets or just to buy online he responded with wow i don't know that's a hard one 69 or 26 then i got angry by the way, does not happen often. Okay.

Just so we all know. I believe you. I said, thank you for hanging up on me earlier. That was really nice. And he hung up on me again. Wait, is this the same owner of the Galway place? I know. Okay. Because I think I love them.

They are both really similar in my mind. this the same owner of the galway place okay because i think i love them they are they are both really similar in my mind the only reason i am giving you one star is because google won't let me hate you with zero stars it's because mom and dad said i had to apologize but i am not really i don't mean it oh my god'm sinner. Why do people like this exist? This is why people who work in customer service deserve the first spot in heaven because holy crap. If you're just working,

you're at the box office and you're trying to get through the day and selling tickets to a Rascal Flats concert and this guy keeps fucking calling back to ask if he should pay 69 or 26 dollars for a ticket why would you if you're already on the website why are you like they called and i think while they were calling they checked the website and it's like why are you giving this person grief about this like this person there's no way that this employee has anything to do with ticket

prices in fact i assume ticket prices are mostly from the, actually, like, people that aren't even related to the venue necessarily. Like, there's so much that goes into this. To think that this one person who's answering phone at the box office has anything to do with ticket prices is absurd. It's not fair. Just leave them alone. And say, oh, never mind.

Found them online for cheaper. I'm going to do that. Instead of saying, what do you think i should do what a weird question to ask somebody on the flake why don't you ask your partner or like twitter or somebody i mean that's what these that's what your four followers on twitter are for god okay stupid okay i have a review of bogarts here in cincinnati now bogarts is where i saw my first concert and where i was slated to perform this past may as the finale show friend that's why we drink live and it got canceled so it didn't happen but anyway i saw group love there nice and regina specter nice i don't know who i saw bogarts it's been a

while um here's a review by laura and this hurt my feelings and you'll see why this i was like this would be fun to read reviews and i was like well it's good that i haven't performed there actually i was gonna say like i was like so there won't be anything about my show but this one still sucked two stars by laura bogarts is a chill concert venue with bands people don't care about anymore or don't know i don't like that there's no place to sit and concert goers are so rude that they constantly push and shove and punch their way through the crowds bright side however since bands that come here aren't popular their merch is cheaper i normally try to avoid coming here but i had to go when the all-american rejects came end of review so it was a roller coaster of emotions because at first i thought

oh nobody acts that nobody cares about come here and i was like ouch and then they said however i went and saw the all-american rejects and then i was like actually now i feel better because if you're comparing my future show to the all-american rejects i'm less offended than i was earlier that's true. Because what? And we saw Griplove there. Did I see Griplove there with you? I went twice. So yeah, I think you and I went and then I think...

Oh, I also saw Tegan and Sarah there. Anyway. Jeez, dang. I know. But I love that it says, since bands that come here aren't popular, their merch is cheaper. I was like, ouch, what a weird... That's so stupid. Like you're still paying for a ticket i

know and clearly not enjoying yourself so yeah anyway people just believe it or not people just have all sorts of problems with all sorts of places and most of them don't make sense wait really yeah um speaking of which well okay no this one's kind of real this is like actually never mind ignore that for this next one this is a one star review of riverbend again um and this is kind of in case anyone's curious like oh riverbend sounds so lovely well here you go it does sound lovely doesn't it one star attended the hank jr and kid rock concert i was less than four feet from the speaker no one had earplugs the guy next to me was doing obscene things with the girl he was with the younger guy at the front to the right of the stage just watched him do multiple things

including having his hand under her skirt oh my god your employee just watched ask him my ears hasn't quit hurting horrible end of review oh my my eyes also haven't quit hurting tell me this was one of the examples where they didn't post a photo alongside the review because i really don't want that christina that was all written over like a snapchat of all of this going down a video no less video it was a link to youtube it was a link to porn hub um youtube took it down um i mean listen you can't blame kid rock turns on and just can't control yourself stop christina there's nobody that i like how i feel about kid rock there's nobody i think on this planet that i like less than kid rock like i think you'd think there would be people lower than that but i don't think there are no no there should be people lower than that i know there

should be here you are but kid rock starts playing i can't control myself or my emotions or my hands i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry all these kid rock fans that listen to us as well it's actually pretty surprised like the venn diagram it almost looks like a full circle there's only a sliver of people who listen to us that don't like kid rock oh no it's just me i'm the only one on the outside of the circle everybody else is inside it oh no okay i just remember when he was like a huge fan of mitt romney and supported trump and like destroyed taylor swift about being a liberal kid rock destroys taylor i meant what did they say crudely ripped i have a feeling oh no the word rips i swear to god in the news is the worst thing ever he was a vote i'm reading

he was a vocal supporter of american military involvement in the iraq war okay like that's if that ends up on your wikipedia page you're doing lots of things wrong if you're both on pornhub and on this the fucking republican senate did you know he fucking tried to run for senate but it ended up being fake like he's just a bad man ready kid rock's drunken racist rant should make republicans glad his senate run was fake in nashville he like apparently went on this rant about oprah winfrey and then said but i'm not racist like it's just a bad bad bad man i hate him okay i hate him too never mind you're you're by the way, the name of his steakhouse is... If you are still on the fence,

I'm going to push you over into the not liking Kid Rock side. Here's the name of his steakhouse. Kid Rock's Big Ass Honky Tonk and Rock and Roll Steakhouse. So now are we all on the same page now, everybody? Almost. I have one more piece of information. This is... So after getting into a fight

with tommy lee uh he and was being charged with assault a month later he was arrested and charged with battery after fighting with a waffle house customer oh my god wait wait wait i'm climbing the fence and going to the other side i didn't think it was possible but you just talked to me into i'm climbing in the circle with everybody move aside i'm coming in a waffle house brawl is one way to get me on your good side oh god that's pretty pretty brand pretty on brand though for us anyway yeah i get it now sorry i i didn't realize kid rock was that terrible you know how people always write one-star reviews being like it's a podcast it shouldn't be political it's like okay but kid rock can be political like why i don't get it why where's like the line you know anyway

the line is just at kid rock i guess he can do whatever he wants um okay i literally never expect to talk about kid rock this much, but here we are. So here's a review of Park Theater in Las Vegas. This is from TripAdvisor, and it's a one-star review by RS. The title is... What? Sorry. What?

I was thinking, like, is this a review from our trip to Vegas? Oh! And then you said RS, which is our mother's initials i was like what are some initials and i was like i'll use moms i just wrote rs for like new moms immediately so i was like i'm picturing mom but i was like i don't recognize that venue i'm like i don't think that's where we saw chippendales but i had this whole thing in my head so i just started giggling at rs so incredible because i really really should have been able to come up with two letters that weren't our mother's initials, but I couldn't.

Like, I couldn't. I sat there for about 30 seconds and I was like, it's going to be RS. I can't. I can't even. How about KR? Kid Rock. This is a review of Park Theater. It is not also, it's also, before you ask, it's not where we saw the Lilo and Stitch

live performance where I got called on stage. We saw that in LA. I know, in Hollywood. Yeah, we saw it. That was at El Capitan. El Capitan. El Capitan. Yeah.

I was on stage at the El Capitan. She danced to Hula on stage. That's not something you should be proud of. I'm sorry. In my Forever 21 shorts. Okay, listen, can we post that photo? It's so embarrassing. You have it?

Oh, yeah, that's great. We haven't posted anything. It's me in a tank top, which is very ill-fitting. I went on stage and my hair was shorter than my chin. And I had to do, or I did a dance, a hula dance, which I know now is not appropriate. But I did at the time not know that because I was 11. She knew. She knew.

Don't listen to her. She said, you know what? I know. She literally looked to me. I was nine at the time. She's like, you know, I know this isn't appropriate. And I'm going to get a lot of flack for it later in life. But I cannot miss this once in a lifetime opportunity to dance with someone dressed as Stitch.

And I stand by it to this very day. And I said, Christina, on that day that people find out about this, you're on your own. Oh, she just took off his headphones and walked out of the fucking apartment. Am I doing this alone now? Damn it. Okay, he came back. Half of the people are cheering, but okay. Everyone inside the circle is cheering

um that you left no uh so anyway i got called on stage i'm still really embarrassed about it oh i was also gonna say this joke isn't fun anymore because we already left the bit but i'm gonna say it anyway that i turned to you and i said have you ever heard of a little thing called cultural appropriation she says that to me like weekly i say that a lot anyway this is a review of park theater by kr lady gaga worst concert ever worst concert ever she uses plenty of four-letter profanity which was a complete turnoff indicating she is a low life sound was deafening she talked stupidly she brought a large group of kids on stage and talked about mental health who cares

i did not pay 800 to see or hear this complete rip off i want a refund end of review okay what the fuck is the perfect concert for this person the wiggles i don't even know like what is so also why did you pay eight hundred dollars to see this concert if you didn't realize lady gaga how she speaks and acts she bought 40 tickets for her closest friends sorry that took me by surprise she bought 40 tickets for all these children and then they all walked on the stage it's like me at the Lilo and Stitch except they talked about mental health and I just culturally appropriated an entire group of people but yeah um wow yeah that review just she talked stupidly Christina I like if you can say that without a hint of irony i i applaud you also don't you

dare call gaga a low life that's like the rudest thing you can say i have a feeling this person either a didn't go to the concert and was just writing a shitty review because it's lady gaga or um b like went in not planning to like it anyway. I feel like to pay $800 for a concert means like you're pretty committed to... You'd think. Man. Think again. Think again.

Okay, my next one is of the Hollywood Bowl where we saw The National. Oh, yeah. This is a one-star review by Alice. I had an experience so traumatizing here that i will never return it wasn't the fault of the venue or staff but mean-spirited jerks end of review what no i don't know what happened i need more detail i never say that i shouldn't say that well it's just like you admit here hey the staff in the venue fantastic nothing wrong here they didn't do anything wrong

but you're getting one star anyway but it's still like it's like this theater with lady gaga like the theater didn't do anything wrong but lady gaga talked about depression and yeah and the venue is probably like well could we have helped here what is this traumatizing experience i actually think the venue is like okay yeah that sounds just like throwing expletives around and chilling at the problem and also just don't leave shitty reviews for these venues and these businesses if they didn't do anything i don't know especially venues because listen i'm just gonna i'm not gonna step on a platform here i'm just gonna lean over it real quick and delicately say something to you which is it's really rough out there for people right now especially businesses um this is me trying to run for

senate is it going well okay especially venues because i mean even for the last way drink tour there are a few places that have closed permanently and so we're already it's a i mean obviously it's a bummer for the tour because we're gonna have to find some more new but it's also just really sad because it wouldn't have happened otherwise you know yeah and um so a lot of these places are closing down because they can't afford to run without concerts and shows and unlike restaurants you know they can't afford to run without concerts and shows and unlike restaurants you know they can't i mean of course lots of restaurants are closing down too and they're in a terrible position um but they you know at venues other forms of revenue yeah

can't offer uh takeout instead of dine-in and a lot of them were already struggling like hardcore so now it's just like the nail in the coffin. Anyway, it really bothers me when people are nasty toward, like, places that are just trying to keep music and shows alive and well. Yeah, support your local venues if you can, because a lot of them are doing fundraisers

and trying to plan other events that are safe in order to raise some money. I think there's... Some are selling merch and stuff. There are lots of ways. I mean, if they're still around, there are lots of ways to support your local venues because it seems like things are not getting any easier for them anytime soon. Oh, my God. It's been almost a fucking year. People have been emailing us and saying, oh, I'm listening to your show from a year ago.

It's weird to do so yeah um yeah alexander just took the platform away he doesn't want me to lean over it anymore so i guess it's back to my reviews okay i have one more this is from an email from kristin she her not she far who says hi she for sibs i decided to look at some reviews of concert venues near me here's a review of power plant live in baltimore maryland this is a one-star review by corinne in all capital letters do not use the valet service my car was returned to me minus 14 dollars and a coat they even took the taco bell i had bought on the way there but had not eaten i have no idea how to reach management on the weekend and none of the clubs within have been able to refer me to management end of review

okay i'm so sorry that that happened to you but the fact that they took the taco bell is just like that that's too far that's too far much more obvious yes i agree and also what kind of weirded me out about that is at first i was like, oh, that's just rude. But then I was like, okay, I reread it. And I thought she clarified that she brought it on the way to the concert. And when they brought it back, presumably like four or five hours later, the Taco Bell was taken, which is like, ew, you shouldn't eat Taco Bell that's four hours old. Whoever took that out of your car should be careful. Okay.

Because it's not like she was going to eat it, right?'s christina yeah i would have eaten it as someone who has yes as someone who has done that i'm taking your platform away and telling all you good people out there that do shit like that um you know what just get through your day if that's what it takes if it takes eating five year old five year old oh no not that long five hour old uh taco bell that's been sitting in your car do it i've done worse i just earlier before we got on i ate a pringle i found on the carpet i know you do that i'm not i'm not in a position to judge i guess my only my only consoling thing for this person is at least you know that this thief spent the evening on the toilet most likely most likely so at the very least they got their

punishment uh they should have just taken the taco bell not the cash because then what what kind of complaint they took my taco bell well true they don't have a lot to stand on but really yeah they didn't they left the cash but they took my taco bell it's like this is like you're 14 that's enough taco bell for like the next three weeks you're fine true yeah it would be i think the x the taco bell is definitely the defining factor here of how far this person crossed definitely a line 100 okay this is my last one this is of oh no I forget the name of it. I can't believe I just told everyone I ate a Pringle off the carpet. I mean, when I was in college, I would fall asleep. So I'd play League of Legends all night,

eating Doritos and drinking Mountain Dew, fall asleep. Next morning, that's what I have for breakfast, leftover Doritos and Mountain Dew that I didn't finish the night before. I was for breakfast. Leftover Doritos and Mountain Dew that I didn't finish the night before. I was very depressed. I told you to save that story for the Lady Gaga concert when she invites you on stage. When she brings me on stage. It's the darkest story. What does mental health mean to you? I remember you were so jealous when I got to go on with Lilo and Stitch.

And I told you, someday I'll get you on stage where it's appropriate for you. And then when I found out Lady Gaga was doing, you know, children talking about depression, I was like, holy shit. I have just the thing. Anyway, so I guess we'll have to come up with a new story. I don't think it'll be hard. No, I've got plenty. Okay.

This is of the Palace Theater in Columbus. This is where I saw my first concert. Oh. Dad and I saw Leonard Cohen. So this is a one-star review palace theater staff was rude usher physically slapped me in the face when i did not immediately drop my phone when the show started i was literally in the process and an usher walked by me and slapped me hit me in the shoulder, and up into my face. I literally have never had that happen before.

End of review. Wait, okay. Clearly you've never had that happen before because that is not getting slapped in the face. Guaranteed. If you're like, they hit my shoulder and it moved up to my face. Like, I don't think that's quite the same thing. It's like people walk into you and say, you assaulted me. Yes, yes.ander actually used to

do that okay sorry weird turn alexander used to do this whenever we had arguments and i would like push past you'd go oh like a very younger sibling thing yeah um i was gonna say i'm like christina i don't know you didn't fake assault in real life that's a wrong wrong tone here as a five-year-old sure yeah as a child yeah anyway charges against me but you know they were before i was 18 so it's okay i was only five also can you imagine if you like had your uh sorry wait what did you just say i was just saying my brain because you i was like yeah i've been charged for assault but i was only five so yeah it was also me charging him which doesn't count

for much in the legal world we found out later um yeah but can you imagine if like you had your phone out at a concert and they literally walked up and slapped you in the face it's just such an absurd concept and if that person slapped you in the face you wouldn't have to be writing a yelp review you'd already be like settling out of court your lawyer would be telling you do not post about this online you're gonna get your money don't you America we're gonna sue the shit out of them everybody else at the concert had their cameras out there's literally 85 videos of this man slapping you directly in the face can you imagine like you just slap me in the face like wait what no i didn't no that didn't happen people fucking probably do that shit all the time

yeah time for my challenge so this is from dylan he's he in pronouns a review this is the challenge a review where someone tries to get a job through the review or recommend their family member for a job hugs inner this was like one of the easiest challenges I've ever, ever, ever had to do. Okay, I did not expect that. It was very easy. It seems weirdly like that would be difficult. I don't know why. So I'm pretty sure, okay, well, actually, now that I think about it,

maybe I did the challenge wrong. Because I looked for people who were basically suggesting that they should work there which i guess isn't technically they're trying to get a job what up christina this this is whatever it means to you it means to you i'm not gonna because lord knows that i've butchered challenges to make them easier but it doesn't sound like you're doing that okay it just kind of it kind of occurred to me i was like maybe i'm cheating i don't know there is no cheating this is our fucking show if they want to cry cheater they can leave don't cry but please don't cry or leave don't don't do either call us cheaters but don't cry or leave you can call me whatever no don't actually also don't do that

that's gonna hurt my feelings don't actually do it to our faces or in reviews because that'll hurt. Just to each other. Really badly. Behind our backs. Or I'm going to slap you right in the face. So this first one is a review of Bristol Brewing Company by Richard. Four stars. Highly recommend, although it has become formulaic and a bit hackneyed.

They should hire me to restore their creative juices end of review so i don't even really know what that means but this is a brewing company yeah like a brewery what are they talking about i think he's saying he could make better brew brews more creative juices okay oh like literal like juices because i'm like i don't know i'm listening to this like wait what kind of creativity like restore the creative risks does this person want to take at this brewery richard's full of next level and then it's like oh he just probably is just complaining about like the he thinks they're too basic bruise yeah um i have a lot so i'm just gonna read through them because go for it i'll just

be quiet for the next actually wait there are some people looking for a job okay never mind i did i actually later on have some so i did actually accomplish this so haha everybody you got us i got you this is a four-star review of chateau suite hotel by lunn so we booked this hotel through Hotwire and were thrilled about the close proximity to the casinos, but when we started reading Yelp reviews for the hotel Chateau Suites, we got nervous. We drove three hours from Dallas to Shreveport and spent another 15 minutes circling Lake Street looking for a Chateau Suite Hotel. Eventually we pulled in at the address where a holiday inn now sits and walked into the reception desk in an attempt to ask for directions to the chateau hotel the lady laughed and said the hotel is now called the holiday inn

so for you reading this review don't fret hotwire corporate is pretty slow in updating their inventory maybe they should hire me to quality check their hotels for a small fee anyway we had a blast end of review i At least they know their worth. For a fee. Just a small fee. They're like, you can't catch me in this without asking for my dues. Maybe they should hire me to quality check their hotels. I did like this idea of, oh, the Chateau Hotel.

No, it's called the Holiday Inn now. It's called the Holiday Inn. The Chateau Suites. Chateau Chateau Suites. Yeah, so sorry to say it would have fall from grace yeah this is also definitely not hot wire being like behind it's the hotel being like no can you just keep the chateau suites name we like that better than holiday and it gets more customers um okay so this is a four-star review of yogi barra stadium by derrick and this is definitely like i'm pretty sure this is like a joke review but it made me laugh which is rare so i'm gonna keep it anyway you've never

laughed in the show so this will be fun for everyone actually i think it might be frightening laugh reveal stop oh there it is stop alexander i'm gonna push you and then you're gonna call mom and dad and i'm gonna get in trouble this is so special i should have been recording this for a tiktok we could have posted it you're laughing with um with one of those acoustic covers that they make things seem really sad on tiktok she hasn't laughed in her first 29 years of life after she culturally appropriated lilo and stitch on stage she never laughed she vowed to never laugh again but years later lilo forgave her and it's time to reveal and she forgave herself and here we are oh my god my life is back okay four stars of yogi

barra stadium by derrick pretty sure it's a joke review again but i like yogi barra stadium yeah it's apparently a thing yeah it's probably baseball yeah okay yogi barra is a baseball player right yes okay four stars by derrick on the real you can get cheap beers here the baseball is all right i probably could have played for them if i didn't quit baseball in junior high to concentrate on my christian rock band full time i went through is this kid rock hold on i once threw a foul ball back to the ump and he said look at the arm on this kid sign him up but i'm a slave to the music not sure why it's named after

yogi bear and it should probably be named jellystone park they should hire me to be a pitcher and name things end of review okay i like that one stupid is this not the plot of angels in the outfield or wait no that was another one um i think angels yeah but it's about literal angels yeah literally angels in the outfield no what, what's the one where the kid throws it and he has this crazy arm and it's really good and then he loses his powers right before the final pitch? It sounds like a Disney original. I don't know.

Rookie of the Year. Oh, yeah. Wait, isn't there also... What's that movie about the green something? A soccer movie. Remember that movie we loved? Green Mile? Yeah.

No. Yes. Remember that kid's movie, Green Mile? Green Machine or something? Yeah. The Big Green. Big Green. Oh, I love that movie.

Oh, my God. Me too. We had it on VHS. It was one of our favorites. Everyone's like, I really don't care. Okay. This is when you see iTunes reviews that are like, I don't care about their lives. Why do they talk? I mean, not about us. I'm sure they say that, but I just don't read them. But I'm like, I'm sure nobody actually cares. Okay. So now these are a little different,

but these accomplish my review, I think. So they're on Yelp. But instead of posting a review, you can post like to the page like a question to pose a question about like their hours or um if they let allow dogs or if they have gluten-free options etc that's usually what it's used for now i have some people seeking employment um in this form uh so this is a review, or sorry, this is a question asked by Crystal to 215 Gentleman's Club. Are you hiring any new dancers?

If so, who may I contact? Smiley face. Thank you. And there's a response from the manager, an answer that says, walk in. And then there's an answer by Nate, who says, let me know if you get the job i'll for sure go see you oh my god oh no nate nate you're such a creep that's so creepy there's being forward and there's being creepy that's creepy that's not it's creepy

creepy um like i was gonna say don't ask for a job on yelp but also don't hit on people on yelp oh my god that's probably the last place i i think that a relationship should form yeah it's you're building on a rocky ground if you start yelp is your foundation yeah could you imagine where do you meet we met on yelp you know what oh is that like an app honestly it's probably it's probably happened those yelp forums guaranteed those forums get intense and also those people actually maybe are meant for each other like if they're posting so much on the yelp form i yeah i recognize your profile picture but in the yelp q a for a gentleman's club no yeah i'm probably not gonna go well for you that way i will say also on yelp they have those uh elite people who get

invited to like parties and things so i mean you could probably meet like at an event for yelpers that's a good point i bet they're yelper power couples sure oh they've got to be right yeah who like met after becoming individually yelp famous you know and then the the government tried to stop their union because they were like this is gonna you're gonna control too much you're gonna have too much power over cell phones or i mean yelp reviews and they were like well we're doing it anyway because this is america so that's what happened that's actually true for me um Oh, is it? Well, I started talking to someone.

I don't know if I told you, but a very famous podcaster. I'm not allowed to tell you who. But the FTC shut us down. They said that if we were together, it would create like a monopoly in the podcasting world. So we just couldn't be together. It was really like this whole Romeo and Juliet thing. I'm pretty sure. Is that why Joe Rogan has a restraining order order against you because you keep trying to hit him up oh god did you have a person in mind when you were making

this Christina I was thinking of Joe Rogan and I puked in my mouth because fuck Joe Rogan um he's probably at a kid rock concert right now so someone on my stream this week we were talking about podcasting and like someone was like being like at talking about negative podcast reviews i'm like yeah we wouldn't read those because like it just feels not fair like you know it just feels kind of wrong oh of other podcasts of other podcasts or hours and i was like yeah it would feel kind of wrong i would hate to listen to another podcast and have them be like here's a once-review of christine exactly no exactly it just is what seems like a shitty thing to do and then someone's like well what about joe rogan's podcast i'm like okay yeah fuck joe rogan so maybe yeah but see that's but with those then you're

like well all these reviews are pretty legit they're like why is he so transphobic then it's like not funny because it's like actually a legitimate review yeah um whereas if someone read reviews of ours they'd be one star reviews would be so ridiculous because it's like unfathomable you know if somebody says i'm not interested in their stupid lives you'd be like well that's absurd you're the only person in the world that feels that way yeah this is fucking laughable what a karen am i right yeah so true so anyway yikes i don't know but i'm sweating a lot okay yeah this was not a good segue okay okay xandy i'm doing the thing that i said for the third time do you remember

what i was gonna do thing for the third time no i am going to read a review i've already read before oh jesus okay yes and this is the third time in a row that it just happened naturally and then that's it i'm not gonna read anymore next week unless it just happens again i was gonna say i don't i don't believe you this is a one-star review of the beach water park by amanda when we ordered a pepperoni pizza for three dollars extra it only have one piece in each slice the lady gave us no napkins and in the pool with the basketball hoops there was a paper plate with mustard and pizza grease they need a new manager like maybe my son all in all pretty fun rides but bad service i'll conclude this by saying bye i love it i love it i forgot about that they need

a new manager like maybe my son he would never allow this to go on he would never only give me he gives me napkins all the time i cannot with that yeah so there's that oh but i have one more redemption this is just a redemption and it's like a actually a fully fledged redemption not me being an asshole and making everybody feel shitty um despite a five star review this is a real deal this is a five-star review i want to let everybody leave on a high note five-star review of glenn ivy hot springs by sexy goddess the title is they should hire me as a tour guide here's a review this place is so awesome i enjoy every moment from the check-in which i do at 9 30 a.m till the time I leave around 6 p.m

there is a route you should follow to get the max mineral mud grotto lunch hot tub massage more hot tubs pedicure than the dry spa this place is awesome my goal is twice a month but it will probably be more like once every other month lol end of review and then she included three photos one is of her in a mud bath one is of her um in the sauna and then the third photo was of her getting a pedicure and it was like a series of photos that were just so heartwarming because she was like smiling in each one and her name is sexy goddess and she's lounging in the mud and then she's lounging in the sauna like i don't know who's taking these photos of her but she had like a whole itinerary anyway she's guiding

oh true she's a tour guide yeah so there was like there were weird lines where i didn't know like is this person actually asking for a job probably not but i'm like but maybe like i'm sure if they offered it she would take it so yeah it made me very happy so that's that that's a nice end I think so and like we can't post the oh my god hold on sorry the second photo is actually of her floating in a pool on a raft that's what it was this is just a picture but look at the one of her floating in the pool oh isn't that cute the photos in addition to the remakes it just so sweet and funny okay everyone we made it um we made it what are we doing for next week you want to hear great question so i i feel bad for our listeners in

hawaii uh now that they are about to boycott our show i'm gonna say you know what don't worry come back next week because we are doing a hawaii theme christina what do you think of when you think of hawaii um those cool little that's right government buildings we are doing government buildings in hawaii i was gonna say the mall where you can buy those pearls or those little oysters and see if there's pearls inside them oh my god is that a government building maybe let's hope not oh boy um i love those okay this uh from brooke who's they them pronouns narwhals exist is their uh username which i love and they said my friend and i were looking through dog rain jacket reviews and they're nothing but cute dog pics this is the

loveliest email ever i know it's very sweet and so and so they were so kind and said since you guys have to sift through a lot of spicy reviews my challenge idea is to find a review find a review of a product made for dogs that someone bought for their cat or really any pet so my example was uh an iguana but who knows like for the for a pet that it wasn't marketed for i guess brooke says i hope these searches give you heaps of happy chemicals like it did for me brooke brooke is just a gem so thank you brooke you've given me all the chemicals i need to make it to the next recording session so thank you. That's a weird way to sign off, but yeah. Thanks.

Thanks, Brooke. And thanks, Andy, for the review. And thanks to everybody listening. Who's so kind and supportive. If you want to follow us on Tik TOK to see our fun little videos,

please go find us. Big thanks to Olivia for just reaching out when she was going through a lot and uh sending love our way even when she was struggling and everybody use your vibes impeccable vibes only and send them to olivia please please do please all the good vibes the impeccable vibes absolutely thanks for another episode everyone and we will talk to you next week bring your puka shell necklace at least i'll bring all 45 that i own don't bring your hula skirt i know you still use that but please don't bring it i stole it from backstage they can't know it's actually still stapled to my uh forever 21 shorts oh no no it's not forever 21 what's wrong with me limited two is what i meant

limited two shorts glad we cleared that up right in time big difference i still wear forever 21 i don't still wear limited two okay phew we cleared it up i also still wear that hula skirt hula skirt i know i know it's terrible you