Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 115: Reviews of Girl Scout Cookies

Episode Date: February 10, 2021

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. hello and welcome to beach to sandy water to at the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion that's alex that's christine welcome to our show um this week we are covering girl scout cookies. Yes. Can I give you a quick update?

Yes. This morning I checked on my Girl Scout cookie order. Uh-huh. Still hasn't shipped yet. The problem is I move in 10 days. Oh, no. So either I don't know what to do because I don't really know my neighbors. Is there some postal emergency forwarding that you can set up? Like in case of, say it's a tax document,

and then tell them not to smell the box just in case. Yeah, I think it's like through FEMA or something. You got to call them and they're going to organize everything for me. Yeah, FEMA will deliver it to you. I don't know why them, but it's an emergency. It is. It's a national crisis. Also, your future tenants there, you could just say it's a housewarming gift. They won't be moving in for a little bit after that.

So the cookies will just be sitting outside. I'll make sure they get eaten by somebody. Do not worry, everyone. Don't panic. Even if it's just pigeons. So, well, I guess to make you feel worse about your situation we could read some girl scout cookie reviews to feel worse or better i don't know what kind you brought to the table worse uh oh better you're right better maybe you won't want them after all feed them to the pigeons

that's a good point um i'll go first sure okay this is uh oh and this was sent in by sue by the way yeah thanks i even wrote that down thank you sue so this is a review of samoa's famous samoa is also known when i was a child a youth as caramel delights did they rename them or did the different bakeries call them something different you know i've seen multiple uh complaints mostly about the name and whether they changed it or regional. I do have seen multiple complaints about all this bullshit. I get so confused. It's very confusing. I never knew them as Samoas growing up, but that seems to be the most general name for them.

But the other word for it, at least in Ohio, was Carmel Delights. And I will say I was briefly a Girl Scout. Do you recall that time of my life? Christina, that was too brief for me to remember. I'm so sorry. Well, all I remember is I went on a camping trip and Alyssa was there who, you know, famous of Snorlax theft fame. We don't talk about Alyssa anymore on the show.

Yeah. Well, this is negative about her. So is it allowed? Yes. Okay. So we were and she was my buddy and I had to pee. We were on a camping trip and she refused to get out of bed to go pee with me. So I had to go by myself across the whole campground.

And it was very, very scary and dark and in the middle of the ohio woods and now i know about fun true crime stories whose backyard was this in i don't believe you this is not in the middle of the ohio woods as if that's like a real thing that exists no christina you're in someone's backyard i know i was not alexander we were in a cabin okay you had a remember cabin and everything you weren't even like wait in a tent you weren't in a tent we were in a cabin but i had to walk across the campgrounds to find a bathroom because alissa refused to get out of bed and also it was always really terrible because i was in girls i was a brownie and nothing happened right you just went to the bathroom who knows what happened this is your big story that you went to the your big story from the girl scouts is that you went to the

bathroom that's it that's not even the big story the big story is that we were alistair o'manelli taught us how to make rice balls and that day what what the fuck did you do in girl scouts everybody made fun of me because my mom was divorced okay that's pretty good and so they said that they weren't allowed to come to my house because we didn't live in a good part of the neighborhood because i said oh you can come over and learn how to make uh german. And they were like, and the parents were like, no, you don't live in the best part of town. So it was really awkward. And that was my experience with the Girl Scouts. So I'm waiting for your emotional response. All I can think of is that I bet all those kids now wish their parents were divorced. I know. Now I'm like, suckers, half your parents are divorced.

Yeah. So, you know, people used to make fun of me. It's fine. I've been through a lot. That was a terrible story. That's why I didn't have a response ready. Like, normally with a good story, I have some sort of response. We have a nice back and forth.

But with this, it was just you peed. And then something about our parents being divorced. You had to throw that in at my face or something. What I'm saying is that who knows. And then you brought up the neighborhood we lived in. Who knows what happened to me when I went across the campgrounds. Because I don't remember the rest. I could have been abducted and placed into a different home.

I did just read Slaughterhouse-Five, so I'm actually kind of inclined to believe that's a thing. I just bought Slaughterhouse-Five, and I haven't read it, so don't tell me what happens. I will not, but it's incredible. If it's anything like my story, it's going to be pretty traumatizing. It's exactly like your story. The only difference is instead of at a campground,

it takes place in Dresden when it's getting bombed. But other than that other than that exactly the same we called the campground the slaughterhouse and that's scary to walk across to the bathrooms nobody was allowed to let their buddy p.s i was six okay nobody was allowed to let their buddy go alone and then alissa made me go alone and i've never forgiven her. All we do is just rag on Alyssa. Yeah, well, maybe she should think about her actions.

Yeah, I think she should. Has she by now? Probably not. No. Or else she would have apologized. So this is a review of Samoas, a.k.a. I forgot how this started. Okay.

Caramel Delights. This is a one-star review by melanie oh my god the cat just turned on the printer mooney we are never gonna get to this review i'm actually a little nervous of you about you reading this review because it it seems like the universe is telling us not to let it happen i just heard a noise and i looked over and the cat was on like his tiptoes and his tail was huge and the printer was just spitting out pieces of paper so i don't know what he did like i half expected an earthquake to start the third time you try to read it i'm sorry oh there he goes now he's trying to pull it out of the printer he's really demonic okay

little business cat what did he do? Okay. This is a one-star review of Samoa's by Melanie. It's so ass. But I would still eat it because it's a cookie. It's too chewy. S'mores are the best because they taste so good. End of review. Christina, that was not worth the story time.

I'm just kidding. Wait, wait, wait, wait. It's ass, but just the fact that it's a cookie. You know what? That's like me too, though. I read so many reviews complaining about these cookies and I'm like, but it's a cookie. I'd still eat it.

It's still a cookie and it still has sugar in it i will still eat it people complain about aftertaste people complain about how like the mouth feel and i'm like the mouth feel i mean really at the end of the day it's a cookie so i know if it were sitting in front of me i'd eat it it literally just has hydrogenated oils and sugar so like eat it it's fine and they're like the white they like the way they describe it is so foul sometimes though but i'd still eat it okay yes that's a good good example yes um i just pictured this person was pretty high because ass looks like they fell asleep on the keyboard and then uh their their train of thought kind of derailed pretty quickly typical typical for our show

as you take pictures of your cat on the printer literally so after telling the printer quote-unquote stories i'm a storyteller you talked about at the fire uh at the the campfire the next day you're like i have a story a scary story it was pitch black and i was walking through the campground and what did i find the bathroom and i peed that was your story and then everybody didn't seem impressed so i said also my parents are divorced and everyone screamed oh my god and that was where i really got them and they said i they weren't allowed to hang out with me anymore fun okay your turn uh and i lived half a block from a richie's i did yeah also a quickie mart or cool and quick i was gonna say uh which is a

drive-thru liquor place um i was gonna say that was not called quickie mart but no it wasn't anyway let are you familiar with charlotte mccourt no oh yes yes yes yes the 11 year old yeah the young budding genius they call her that um i kind of love it okay good because she wrote reviews of all the different girl scout cookies this is relevant to my first review um she wrote reviews of all the different Girl Scout cookies. This is relevant to my first review. She wrote reviews of all these different Girl Scout cookies. Mike Rowe ended up reading it on Facebook of all places. Oh, really? Because her dad works on Mike Rowe's show or something.

So there is a connection there. Oh, I didn't know that. And it went viral because Mike Rowe read her reviews of cookies. Because I assume the dad brought it into work or something. They were like very honest reviews of the cookies she was selling. So the one that's relevant to my review is what she had to say about Toffee-tastic cookies. She said,

The Toffee-tastic is a bleak, flavorless, gluten-free wasteland. This is an 11-year-old. Like, how dark is that? I know you just told me her dad works in entertainment, and it makes a lot of sense. Exactly, yes, exactly. Anyway, so she had some success with those and sold a lot of cookies thanks to that.

She sold over 15,000 cookies. Holy cannoli. Box holy boxes excuse me could you imagine it's like in the office when daryl's like i've sold whatever billion uh units and she was like what's that and he's like pieces of paper oh yeah like if she was like yeah i sold 15 000 cookies boxes um anyway uh she had a couple things like for do-si-do she said that she gave them a five for its unoriginality and its blandness is this out of 10 yes sorry she gave savannah gave savannah smiles a seven and said that they taste like sweet lemon wedges with just the right balance of sweet and sour and then she gave thin mints a nine and then anybody good enough for her but

wait some didn't yeah this thin mints got a nine that Is anybody good enough for her? But wait, some didn't. Yeah, Thin Mints got a nine. That's pretty good. What's, where's the ten? But wait, some didn't even get a number. So for the s'mores, she just said, if you have a wild sense of adventure, try the s'mores. She's like, not even worth my freaking time. And the reason why, though, is she said, full disclosure, I have not tried the s'mores, so I cannot rate it in good conscience.

Okay, well. She is a good reviewer so honest young lady if she's a yelp elite by now she's probably doing good work with that title she should get an honorary yelp elite badge i agree so yeah so she she sold a lot of cookies which is great so good for her anyway she is mentioned in this review charlotte mccourt which is why i gave that little context. Anyway, she is mentioned in this review, Charlotte McCourt, which is why I gave that little context. So this is a one-star review of Toffee-tastic. This person knew of Charlotte McCourt's review and still bought them. I just want to point that out. But here we go.

I've eaten many Girl Scout cookies, and for the most part, they were decent at least. This one is a big exception. The only redeeming quality is that they're a gluten-free option. But even still, it just tastes gross. This cookie in particular is what Girl Scout Charlotte McCourt called false advertising. Even for a gluten-free consumer, this tastes nothing like toffee. It just tastes like crumbs with some sticky patches of toffee.

Toffee bits have no sweetness whatsoever. It's flavorless and, to put it bluntly, it's just there. Toffee-tastic? More like toffee crapstick. Even if you're not one to claim that it tastes disgusting, you can't lie. It's still nowhere as memorable as some of the other Girl Scout cookies, like Thin Mints, Samoas, etc. If I could buy any Girl Scout cookie from a fellow Girl Scout, I would not buy this one. I'd rather have Sasquatch sit on my face and shoot diarrhea down my throat.

I'd get more taste out of that. Mind you, this idea isn't something that was doomed from the start with more taste passion and toffee flavor this could have been a good cookie seriously girl scouts what were you thinking frowny face end of review wow okay two things first of all yeah you'd get more flavor eating diarrhea okay that's probably true for any type of cookie. I wouldn't really use that as the bar. Second of all, did they say fellow Girl Scout?

Yes. So are they a child? No. Who are these budding geniuses who are writing this beautiful prose? I don't like to make assumptions, but they look like an older man. Oh, okay. but this is they look like an older man oh okay so i just saying from my limited perspective of based on their little profile picture i i don't know and their name okay well uh so wow i mean i have zero interest in eating something called toffee tastic because it just sounds like the

worst i mean i love heath bars but a lot of people said that they love heath bars and hated these yeah they don't sound good even if you like toffee that's what basically people are like it sounds like crumbly like dry but also like has gooey chunks in it which just sounds really unappealing to me yeah um i uh i don't i don't blame this person for... I mean, I do love that they cited their sources, though. Like a bibliography, and it's just that one child, which is kind of great. I kind of hope Charlotte was just kind of one day decided to Google herself, as we all do, and came up with a review that mentioned her and was like, oh, fun. Yay.

And then had to read this guy talk about sasquatch diarrhea oh in the same paragraph is her name why do you always found the finally the foul reviews alexander this is the first one i found and took me so long to find another one i don't know why this is the first one i stumbled on and then the rest were so difficult to find and this was by far the longest review that i found on this website oh by the way this is influencer.com if you oh yes yes yes which is an interesting website yeah what is that you know are these people paid to write these why are there so many reviews from like really young people i wonder if it's like they're trying to be an influencer

their pictures make it seem like it like they're all these like instagram looking photos as their profile picture actually you know what very different from yelp as i was reading um oh mooney just left the printer as i was reading for the update oh my oh well i took a good photo i'll send it to you later oh god he's going to my cricket now he's going to print some vinyl he's going to print, laugh, love onto a wooden sign for me. So what was I saying? I don't care. I'm sorry. I don't know.

Oh, it's funny how you use the wrong word there. Yes, Influenster. I actually don't know. Oh, yeah. Somebody said in one of their other reviews, I clicked on their profile and they said, I was sent this by Influenster. Influenster sent them a product. Oh, that explains so much.

Yeah, I bet you they write them. Oh my God, it just all clicked. I bet they're never sending Toffee Crunch out ever again or whatever the hell it's called. Why are these people writing these reviews? why why it's just so i mean to be fair i most of the time we ask ourselves that question there really is no good answer so but it does seem like sometimes they do send out product to people but there's like a certain type of person that writes a yelp review like a lot of yelp reviews um like good like good no no not just one certain but like we've we've discovered there are multiple types of people and when i'm reading through these influencer

reviews i was like these are a different breed of people yeah why are these so different from the yelp people and trip advisors yeah yeah wow so we're learning we're learning man we should really have one of those uh tmtm by the way, before I say this, we should really have one of those, you know, like Myers-Briggs tests. We should do one for type of reviewer. And then people can really. It's called a BuzzFeed quiz. Well, okay. But that's an area.

If we really want to make it in the corporate world, we're going to have to pitch it as something different with some acronyms and some graphs and some words like leadership. So I think maybe. Synergy. Synergy. different with some acronyms and some graphs and some words like leadership so i think synergy synergy yeah write that down um this is another review of some of us this is a one-star review by chris these are so nasty i hate them so much i do not like caramel and i surely do not like coconut i am not a big fan of girl scout cookie anyways shocking right i only like thin mints but i think they are kind of annoying you can only get girl scout cookies at certain times but yeah i do not like samoa's end of review you know how smug those Thin Mints are? They're so annoying! God, it reminded me of Dwight. My second office reference today.

Yeah, you need to cool it off the office. And the smug bedbugs. That's one of my favorite scenes. And Jim and Dwight, and he's like, they walk like this. Sorry, now I'm picturing Thin Mints all full of themselves. No, Thin Mints are... This person just has it all wrong of themselves no thin mints are this person is just has it all wrong because thin mints are the least smug cookies they're simple they get the job done they're tasty what job is that to make you feel yummy in your mouth

don't yeah okay the end yeah thin m. They make you feel yummy in your mouth. At midnight. What is it? Midnight snacks for iguana. That's what a thin mint is. Well, if I have to read one more time that you should put thin mints in the freezer, I'm going to explode. I didn't read that anywhere.

Because I was the one who was reading thin mint reviews. Oh, right. And they were terrible. Sorry. That, I mean, that is a good tip. So if you don't know that, don't feel left. Like, just now you know. But after reading it about 30 times, like, that was the extent of so many reviews.

Put them in the freezer. Put them in the freezer. Put them in the freezer. Well, I feel like I learned a little something today. God, the Thin Mint reviews were terrible. They were just all the same. Oh, it was either that or the one-star reviews all said, yes, I know I'm crazy. I don't like Thin Mints.

It's like, obviously not, because you're one of 2,000 people who have said it so far. I thought you were going to say, I know I'm crazy, but I put them in the freezer. I was like, wow, clever. Yeah, those were the five-star reviews. And then the one-star was, I'm crazy because I don't like them.

Alexander, check your phone. Oh, jeez. Do not disturb on for this very reason. For you texting on pictures. I told you to look. Oh, my God. He's trying to turn it back on. The visual.

I did not expect your printer to be on the floor. You should know better. Your cricket has a perch. Your cricket is up high and your printer's on the floor stop it you're embarrassing me well you shouldn't have sent this to me do you see the wallpaper gal the gallon of wallpaper paste i was gonna ask what that is okay next next to your ouija board pencil case yeah and now do you see mooney trying to turn do you see the paper in there he printed that all by himself i'm so proud of him me too i'm so proud he is so cute looking

though he looks so cute there he's cute looking yeah picture oh it's a cute picture that's all i mean i think it's your turn it is my turn um so this is three reviews i'm only reading it once because it was just posted three times and what you said about these people getting sent cookies makes more sense now uh-huh yes okay so these are reviews from the same person the person has three reviews on influenster and they're the exact same thing and i'll read what the products are lemonades the girl scout cookies lemonades clay case that wasn't clear that i'm reading girl scout reviews i'm reading a review of lemonade because i just had never heard of that cookie before so like i don't know if i'm just missing out lemonades i had never

heard of it so i wanted to clarify for people who didn't know uh peanut butter patties slash tagalongs so it was like a like two box thing and then also review of thin mints it's the same review three, written at the same time. Okay. I haven't eaten these in years due to the ingredients. I would recommend that anyone considering eating these to look and understand what the product is made of. While I buy these from the local Girl Scout, I throw them away because they're so unhealthy. Each cookie having 10% of the daily saturated fat

i wouldn't feed these to my dog end of review oh my god what a loony loony tune are you for real that exact same review word for word three times on three separate uh cookie things what a total fruit loop sorry they probably offended by that considering all the saturated fats that might be in the fruit loop alexander wowza yes so wait so wait so wait so they're on there trying to pitch some weird health like i don't know what the goal is except to feel holier than thou i guess because they're still buying them did you see yeah did you see my tweet no i tweeted last night because i was going through all these the number of people who review girl scout cookies complaining they're unhealthy it's absurd it is absolutely absurd duh it's a freaking cookie only like 10 maybe said i know it's a cookie so they were at least

like acknowledging that they're ridiculous but the other 90 wouldn't even acknowledge or being ridiculous would just say these are so unhealthy try looking up the ingredients try looking there's a reason they don't post the ingredients on the website it's like they're gross cookie of course like what duh that's the point what do you think this is that's like if you were to review camel cigarettes and say i buy them from the grocery store and then i throw them away have you read the ingredients on those things it It's like, what are you talking about? This is like really not acceptable behavior. True.

Famously, there are people who go around raising money by selling camel cigarettes. Yeah, Alexander, I told you I was a brownie for a while. That's what I did. I told you. I went door to door. He walked across the campground to the bathroom for a smoke. Yeah. Yeah, that's rightground to the bathroom for a smoke. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. That's right. That's right. Makes sense. Um, wow. What a total weirdo. Seriously. And there were so many of these weirdos.

I, I guess because it's Influenster, maybe because they were like paid to write these reviews. I get, I don't know. Or like sent the product. But see, I don't think, there's no way Influenster way influencers sent girl scout cookies like i think they send like sometimes they partner with brands like that's fair gloss or something but like i'm sure the girl scouts of america don't have to send out free product to people who like already buy it from their local girl do you think this person goes up to the to the kroger where the girl scouts are seated outside and says like

i'm gonna buy these but I want you to know, I will put them directly in the trash. Like that would have made me cry. No, they don't say that. They literally just put it in the trash next to them. And they say, don't you dare fish those out. I paid good money for those. Those are my cookies. Those are mine.

They're going to stay in the trash can. And then a pigeon comes to eat it. And they're like, do you know what's in this? So many trans fats for your little feathery body okay anyway oh am i this lady oh okay oh you that was that came too quickly to you just kidding i eat so many trans fats it's uh is there a difference between saturated fats and trans fats you're very focused on the trans fats because that's the phrase that I remember got bandied about when we were children that everybody was like, trans fats should be illegal.

And I don't really know the difference, honestly. And please don't tell me if you're listening. We don't want any nutritional info. I mean, trust me, I'm happy in my ignorant bliss. So this, remember how I said, oh said oh toffee crunchtastic sounds like the worst thing ever well i'm wrong because there's a cookie called rah rah raisin christina you texted that to me you're like i read reviews of rah rah raisin i'm like that is not a thing is it okay but to be fair i texted it to you with a bunch of dot dot dot dot dots around the words rah rah raisin

to to to amplify the fact that it's the most absurd cookie name I've ever heard. I'm gonna google a picture. Okay, but be careful. Oh, R-A-H, R-A-H. I don't know why. It's like a cheerleading kind of thing. So it's just like an oatmeal raisin cookie looking thing. Yeah, but it's not soft like an oatmeal raisin.'s crunchy gross yeah it doesn't sound good like listen you know raisins are very controversial i get it and i don't want to politically divide everybody here but raw if you're gonna buy a girl scout cookie like a raisin really could you imagine hold on could you imagine being girl scout and girl scouts of america comes to you and says i we would love to take your picture and feature you on this year's line of girl scout cookie boxes and you're just so excited and they take your picture go

through the whole photo shoot you're just like you're like all of my friends are gonna see me on this box i'm so excited and then the list comes out and you find out you were placed on the rah-rah raisin box you'd have to hang your head in shame and leave forever leave town i change your name i think i think people would people would bully you for the rest of your life you'd be driven out of town uh alexander i'm so glad you brought up advertising within the girl scouts of america franchise because did you know something i bring up quite often i was i knew you would no matter what the topic was you texted me this morning be sure to bring up advertising

yeah that's why i did that um and i'm glad that you actually listened to me for once since every time before we record i tell you to bring it. And you've never brought it up until now. So I'm glad you finally listened. And the reason I'm glad is that I was actually part of a Girl Scouts of America TV campaign once. Oh, really? Along with WB Kids? Also, I was part of a WB Kids TV commercial. I knew that one.

wb kids tv commercial i knew that one and uh the the girl scout one my whole elbow and part of my nose oh geez but wait how wait your whole elbow and part well how are you standing well i was turning and so i was like oh they cut me out of the shot all my there were all these girls standing there making like i don't know i assume it was rice balls because i don't know what the hell else we did in this girl scout troop but everybody was like having a good time making crafts and i was at the side of the table and i was the only one they cut out and uh my i turned on my elbow you could see part of my face and then i turned and part of my arm was in it but you really never saw my whole body or my face okay i kind of liked it back when you said your elbow and you're part of your nose because

i was trying to figure out the logistics of how just those body parts got into the frame look at me on zoom right now see like pretend this is the wall or this is the line of this tv screen chris okay yeah i see like your half of your face yes see like half of your face. I was like crafting. Not just half of your nose. Like this. Just like that? Like this. And all the other kids got to be in it except me. It's very sad. Yeah, probably because you were crafting like that, you weirdo.

What the fuck? Anyway. Wait, what? Is that just, you just, that was was it that was your other story yes i'm just curious it's a national tv commercial and everybody gathered to watch it and i was the only one who wasn't in the commercial it was really sad even mom felt sorry for me and she'd never feel sorry for me okay this is a review of raw raw raisin and i think it actually might have been written by um the sad sad child of that person who wrote the last reviews those three reviews one star by lona honestly it is the best cookie

we have ever tasted especially the raisins which, which, you know, makes it more healthier. End of review. The reason I think it's a child is because they said, you know. And the reason I think it's the child of that person is because they're trying to convince their mom that please just let me eat this raisin cookie. It's healthy. My God. That is really sad. It's the best cookie we have ever tasted oh if you're combined if you're comparing okay if you're explaining that the best cookie you've ever tasted is also

the healthiest one there's something is wrong here that's a good point i didn't even think of that that's so fair i'm saying and also no offense but if girl scout cookies are the best cookie you've ever tasted any kind like they're really good for what they are. Yeah. Like a box of cookies? Yeah, for sure. But that's the best you've ever tried. I don't know.

I think you're wrong. Well, what's the best you've ever tried? Renee and I were just talking about those basically raw cookies they sold us at our elementary school. Oh, I was about to say the 40 cent cookies you got in high school at Summit. Yeah, those were good. Those were the best. They were like basically raw cookies they sold us at our elementary school oh i was about to say the 40 cent cookies you got in high school at summit yeah those were good they were like basically raw um your turn okay uh my next one is of the girl scout cookie finder which is the app that inspired sue to write in with this theme idea right um this is is an app where you're supposed to be able to use your location to find where you can buy cookies near you, like at the booths.

And most of the reviews were complaining about how it didn't work. They're like, I live in Ohio, and the closest ones are in Illinois. That doesn't make sense. Just terribly boring. But we've got someone who has a fun one-star review for sense. Just terribly boring. But we've got someone who has a fun one-star review for us. Here we go.

Uninstalling now. Email required to find cookies? Just tell me where they're at, and I'll buy them. Not giving you my info just to sell to someone. Fuck you. End of review. Fuck you, you small info just to sell to someone fuck you end of review fuck you you small girls trying to learn a little thing or two about business ethics and working hard in the modern day world

wow that's how dare you as this person is like i don't know reviewing something on their android phone like what complaining that the girl scout girl scouts might get your email if but if you put it in and the thing is there's a response and i don't know this app so i don't know how accurate this is but there's a response from the developer aka girl scouts oh my god this is an official app this is what uh the girl scouts have to say email is not required to find cookies but some people live where there will never be cookie sales near them and in that case we offer to get in touch via email it's completely optional end of response also fuck you yeah also fuck you and i okay i will give that person some credit they said f, but I think it's just so that the review didn't get taken down.

Wow, what a jackass. I know. I, like, I don't, I don't, why, why be hostile, huh? Why be hostile? Honestly, this person's probably been flagged, and that's why they won't show locations. They're like, drive to Illinois, because the local Girl scouts outside that the iga don't want you to come back because you always scream obscenities at them there was another thing where someone was complaining about like the app permissions they're like they want to access my photos and stuff

and the girl scouts responded and it was like we just thought it would and it was like they it sounded like they were like really like playing the victim up or something because they were like made it seem really sad they're like we just thought it would be fun for people to have the opportunity to share pictures of their favorite cookies it's totally it's totally optional it's only if you want to use that feature and i like it made me really like sad because i was like yeah this person's getting really upset and they're just like we just thought it would be fun but then i have to remember that like the girl scouts is also a corporation so it's not like it's not like a little girl behind this oh but okay there might be because i'm pretty sure yeah see there's a mo there's a badge for mobile app development for girl scouts you're fucking

with me no i'm not i'm not joking because christina there's no way that the do you think the girl scouts are like let's let an 11 year old design our cookie finder app maybe that explains why it works so shittily it works like crap apparently why are you being such a negative you 11 year old fine okay you know what i'm gonna just there's actually that's so cool no i actually really really now you're trying to backtrack no i still think that 11 year old did a shit job with this app based on the reviews stop it i used the app and it worked just fine oh really well actually i used the website i don't know if it's any different but it is very you want me to read

all the boring reviews about how different it is from the website or how on the iPad it didn't it didn't get big enough. Yeah. Well, guess what? I thought it was way too big on the website and I was mad that they didn't want to see all my photos. Wow. So I guess maybe I would like the app. Yeah, maybe you would. You'd be the first one.

And I'd like to give all my identifying information away to children. i think maybe i will download it don't say that a few this is a review of i just wrote peanut butter because i don't remember what they're called tagalongs peanut butter patties those are tagalongs i cannot keep up i don't know i don't know and i even learned about a new one with rara raisin i feel like there's probably a whole like underground cookie trade that we don't know about i forgot to tell you i forgot to tell you that the rest of the ones that i'm reading are from amazon oh my gosh these were a trip i i only i like didn't read much i just like checked one and people were just it was a trip hopefully we

don't have the same one because these are not no I don't have one okay so yes they were a trip this is a one-star view of the peanut butter ones by Aiden verified purchase my disappointment is I miserable and my day is ruined I got a pretty cool empty box, but no cookies. End of review. Oh, no. At least the box was cool. The box was cool. Is it because there was like an 11-year-old on it or something?

Oh, what? No, because like what kind of box is it? Just a box. A box of Girl Scout cookies. But it's empty. Yes. So it just a box like a box of girl scout cookies but it's empty yes so it's a box with 11 year olds on it i i don't know maybe well that's what they all are aren't they i guess so i wasn't invited to that photo shoot i'm gonna look up the tag along box oh it is pretty cool they're like kayaking okay so at least he got something out of it and the thing about amazon is here's let me grab my microphone thing about amazon

uh what's the deal with amazon the thing about amazon is that all of these cookies were being sold for like 14 because people were reselling them on Amazon, which is like ridiculous. And then all these people were really, really angry about it. And then other people were like, yo, I live in Indonesia and I don't have access to Girl Scout cookies. Let me order them on Amazon. Back off. And then all these people were going, it's illegal to sell them. And people were like, it's literally not illegal.

There's no law about this. It's just against the rules for Girl Scouts to do. So there were a lot of arguments on there. But some people just bought them on there because they were desperate. Yeah. You know, out of season they wanted. But the biggest complaint is that they were extremely stale and or melted. So.

Yes. You know, I mean, and they were like at least double the price so not really the most winning strategy if if you want a quality box but um if you want an empty box i think go for it a cool empty box a cool empty box yeah um yeah no i saw the same thing i didn't read those like i i didn't i didn't include any because i only saw like the ones that you just mentioned that were like complaining about the quality once they arrived and it's like yeah you're buying them from a non-verified seller on amazon like come on what do you expect out of season especially but uh yeah there are some people were just mad but then then

i saw one it was like an actual girl Scout who reviewed it, gave it one star, and was like, this person's not a Girl Scout. Like, don't buy from them. Buy from your Girl Scouts when they're in season. And I'm like. That's why I'm scared of Girl Scouts. Yeah. It's not because of how Alyssa treated you in the camp.

It's mostly about that. Honestly, my disappointment is I'm miserable. I'm miserable. Oh, no. Okay. I went back to one of my favorite sites apparently now because this is the second one I'm reading. This is from Leafly.

This is where you can buy weed. What? Okay. This strain is called Girl Scout Cookie. Oh, interesting. this is a this is my last one by the way uh that's a five star review and like i said they actually censor out these names i said this last time but it's like a and then a bunch of dots and then n so and they'd censor them all so that's kind of fun ant-man it's ant-man here's what ant-man has to say about girl

scout cookie the weed strain girl scout cookie is a connoisseur strain and a slutty one too she finds herself with everybody and if you haven't gotten a piece of her i recommend you do one puff chocolate two puff cookie dough three puff staring at the veins in my hand. Blown and it smells like granny's bacon in the kitchen. Medicine at its finest when grown right. End of review. I'm going to throw up on you. 21 people found this helpful.

I hope you are not number 21. I was 22, sorry. I took the screenshot before I hit helpful. My bad. Fucking A. Why are these all so uncomfortable? Like, they make my skin crawl. Make your veins and your hand crawl.

Don't use the word slutty alongside the words Girl Scout. I don't like it either. Don't you worry. No, it's not good. And it was weird because most of the other reviews, so that's like I almost gave up because I was reading them. And it was like, as an agricultural blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's this strain of the way it grows. And I was so bored.

All I want is goofy reviews. And then I see this one. I'm like, I guess that works. Yeah. Careful what you wish for. But yeah, people on Leafly are like the real deal, apparently. Well, yeah. Because serious business on there. They like the real deal apparently they'd like yeah because serious business on there they're connoisseurs just like that just like ant-man well because

people always are like why have you missed such a great opportunity to do colorado dispensaries and i'm like how many times we have to tell you we've tried it we did it we tried it and we had to change the theme because it was so ridiculously difficult to find anything funny it was just like this strain has grown in humid regions and my god it was deathly boring i mean really like you'd think it but because people take weed seriously you know it wasn't like funny or there's no like um i'm trying to think of i don't know i don't know where i'm going with this there's i was trying i was thinking how do i jump in here i don't know you're just staring blankly no there are no like um you know grandpa bob from amazon type people

who you can make fun of like they're all very serious like connoisseurs of weed or like they are very careful caring and concert not caring that's the wrong word but like they're all very serious like connoisseurs of weed or like they are very careful caring and concerned not caring that's the wrong word but like they're very concerned with the and like we don't know i mean i personally don't know anything about weed so it's just very like dry um yeah so stoners leaving reviews is one thing but they're not reviewing weed when they're stoned right they review like girl scout cookies or like they review like things on amazon like that like i bought this when i was high yeah that mattress that looks like a uh ice cream sandwich okay so this i have two redemptions left and you have none left right

right okay so this is a five-star review on Amazon of Thin Mints. Verified purchase. I bought these for a roommate after the rest of his open box fell into my tummy by accident. But these products speak for themselves, so I won't belabor the point. End of review. Oh, that's cute i like that to top it all off i have a toffee oh i wrote toffee ones clearly i had zero patience yesterday when i was writing these you do not give a shit about these these flavor names no i don't rah-rah raisin is the only one i was extremely concerned with um so toffee ones uh this is a five-star review by lca and it's a verified toffee crap stick toffee crap stick this is a five-star review by lca it's a verified purchase

plan on buying more than one box truth be told my mother went on that talk show katie with katie couric as an audience member and she got one box for free i tried some and then quickly had all of them i was too embarrassed to tell my mother so i ordered them on amazon thank god they were there and i replaced her box and bought an additional one just for me let's just say i dipped back into her box it has the perfect texture the taste. I do not have any complaints. For all cookie lovers, this product is a must-have. End of review. That is not what you expect to hear about toffee crap.

No, it's a very passionate review. That's exactly what you expect Katie Couric to give her audience members. Katie Couric, I was like, what? It's hilarious. I have to say, with Katie Couric was in brackets because it said that talk show katie so i googled it and it is katie kirk's talk show so i added oh you like i added with katie kirk sorry i did that because i didn't know i wouldn't have known i figured it was better than me interrupting myself um but yeah so that talk show katie as an audience member which by the way capital a capital m audience member that's a real title yeah got paid in

girl scout cookies so i mean i would gladly get paid in girl scout cookies uh it's more than i got paid as a pa in la um so katie kirk's giving so oprah's giving out cars and like luxury blankets and ellen's giving out you know appliances and then katie kirk's over here giving out toffee cookies that nobody likes any girl scout cookies not just any the ones that they had left over in the office that uh no one wanted yeah well she didn't know rah-rah raisin existed now that's the only one she's ever going to be giving out for free katie kirk probably eats rah-rah raisin she would eat rah-rah raisin she would just eat the raisins out of it because it's healthy i don't know why i have like zero opinion about katie couric guys i promise anyway i just thought that was so really really random also really hilarious that they didn't

they're too embarrassed to tell their mom so they bought their mom more and then continued to eat the ones they bought their mom and bought their own and still ate the other oh boy i like how the mom's probably like yeah honey i know you've been like who else would be eating three boxes of these cookies i know that they're that it's you who else would be doing this yeah those are my cookies from katie well i was gonna say that it's like what if that box is like special and they just keep it forever? Like that person said, look at this cool box. That's all I have. Well, that was well done.

I really enjoyed that. Thank you, Sue, for that great idea. Thanks, Sue. This episode is sponsored by Apostrophe, a prescription skincare company for people that are ready to take their acne seriously. As well as prescription acne treatment works, it's hard to get. You have to take time off work to see a doctor, sit in line at the pharmacy for medications, until Apostrophe.

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was from brook uh and the challenge was to find reviews of a celebrity-owned restaurant where the reviewer mentions a celebrity by name. Wow. This was interesting. Surprisingly, a lot of them. Well, maybe it's not too surprising. A lot of them. But a lot of them were just kind of like, I don't know. They just brought them up to bring them up.

But I found a few that I think will maybe entertain some people. We'll see. This first one is from Lachey's Bar. This is Nick Lachey's Bar in Cincinnati that is now closed. Permanently. Yes, permanently closed. Did we go? I don't think I ever went.

No. I don't think I did either. I would have only gone if you went. Where did we have the shot of Fireball? That's what I thought. You said it was at Lachey's but i know that was at tin roof was it tin roof it's not where you met blaze yes it is oh sweet i wish i'd met him at lachey's but yeah too late now well maybe your next husband maybe exist. What if I met my next husband at Kid Rock's Honky Tonk Bar and Grill? Well, I'll tell you about that place after this review. What if it's Kid Rock?

What if you meet, Christina, if you marry Kid Rock, I will disown you as my sister. Okay. What? This is a review of Lachey's Bar, formerly in Cincinnati, Ohio. This is a two of Lichee's Bar, formerly in Cincinnati, Ohio. This is a two star review. We ordered Lichee's so I can't speak for the atmosphere or what drives people there. I will say I was not impressed for the cost. I really like Nick and I'm so happy he came home and all that he and his wife does for

this city. But Nick, I give you a thumbs down, dude, on the food. Hire a new chef or something. I would have rather ordered pizza. End of review. What they didn't say is that that was actually written by Nick's mom. I'm so glad he came home, but honey, this isn't it. This isn't it.

So glad you made it all the way back to your hometown but i like you the number of people who talked to not talk to nick lachey but wrote the reviews as if they were talking to nick lachey and acted like he was like their best friend or something oh it's so weird it was super weird it was so weird it wasn't even like nick lachey's music it was like nick come on dude hey nick like it's like bro we go way back come on i i saw i saw you when i was at lachey's you know that friday night because you're always there on fridays and i just saw you like everyone else who was there saw you but dude bro it's like no you're not friends yeah it really does sound like it's like his sibling or like actual classmate or something but no certainly not and they all act like nick

sitting on yelp reading all these reviews what if he is he might be okay what if he's just sad because everybody said mean things to him that's that's true if you're like if you were actually his friend i don't think you'd be leaving two-star reviews of his restaurant yet you talk like you're his friend real friends would never do such a thing do you hear that alissa alissa did give us a two-star review that's right yep our podcast yeah to be fair we did um talk a lot of shit about her, including in today's episode. So we do deserve it. We do. Yeah.

I love that it was two though, not one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One star for, just because of guilt for the, an extra star for the guilt for the Snorlax incident. No, for the bathroom incident.

No Snorlax incident. Okay. This is, this next one is a review of Kid Rock's Big Honky Tonk and Rock and Roll Steakhouse, which is- Hell yeah!

The location that Brooke recommended I check out when giving the challenge originally. So this is the only acceptable review of a Kid Rock establishment, okay? This is a one-star review. Worst food I've ever had. Don't come here. Terrible service and terrible food. Kid Rock is also complete trash.

End of review. That's it. That's it. There were so many other ones complimenting Kid Rock and his music and who he is. He's like, and there's some giving it a negative review that was like, Kid Rock is a great guy, but, and I'm like, nope, not including that. No, say that for Nick Lachey. Yeah. I'm like, no no no no oh god yeah that reminds me of the ihop review where the person's like listen tim tim brought us all here fuck tim we never want to talk to him again we thought he was a good guy but like he sucks dragging no it wasn't ihop it was golden corral dragging us all to this golden corral that was really sad that was very sad was it golden corral i thought yeah okay because there were two in a row and they said like yeah

we had a table for six people complaining about tim on the same day that's so sad so so sad all right uh this next one is of little pine here in los angeles um are you familiar with little pine uh i know the name but i don't really it is one of the best restaurants i'm not exaggerating it is a vegan restaurant so i know i'm i'm a little biased but it is one of the best restaurants i've ever been to it's so good um it is or it is or was owned by Oh, yes. You've told me about it. Yes, yes, yes. And he often eats there. But I don't know if it's still owned by him.

But it was amazing. Really, really good. I don't think I've been there, but. Highly recommend it. Anyway, this is a one-star review of Little Pine, currently or formerly owned by Moby. One star. Portions not even big enough for a mouse. Come on, Moby.

It's dinner, not a lifeboat ration. End of review. What? What a strange, strange thought process. I mean, I, yeah. When you see this person had a an interesting life like if that's their thought when they see a small amount of food that they're like not again this is a titanic all over again man moby knows how i feel about the titanic and i take that into account oh my god all right so this last one or i might read i'm

gonna read a couple needs a little context so this is from an email sent by rachel who's writing in about kevin durant's restaurant so kevin durant basketball player uh who played for the oklahoma city thunder and then was traded to the golden state warriors now it's playing for the Oklahoma City Thunder and then was traded to the Golden State Warriors. Now it's playing for the Brooklyn Nets, I believe. Anyway, so... The Brooklyn Nine-Niners? Yes, the Brooklyn Nine-Niners. Okay.

And Kevin Durant owned Legacy Grill in Oklahoma City. And people were not happy when after, I don't know how many years he was there, eight years or something, he was traded to the Golden State Warriors, and the restaurant ended up closing, and people were just not happy. So there are so many reviews written around the time when he left. So let me read a couple. Okay. Here's a one-star review.

Was good, but I feel like the main ingredient is in Northern California now. End of review. Because he got traded. He got traded to Golden State Warriors. Yeah. That's so stupid. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. The main ingredient. Oh, my God. god i can't here's the one star review been there don't eat there i had his chicken and got salmonella plus he went to the warriors end of review which is worse that's up for you to decide it's like hey you know you decide your reason for uh not not going to this restaurant i've given you plenty of options if the salmonella doesn't scare you away i know what will here's another one one star judas end of review oh was that on google reviews um i believe these are all google reviews okay because yelp like for sure does not allow you to just write the word judas it would be great if they did because that

would save me a lot of time but um yeah wow here's another one one star these are all one star. Of course. Of course. The food was as cold as Kevin Durant's heart. Oh, dis. And then. These are all like breakup haikus. I know. Here's another one star. Y'all better close this place down before somebody burn it down. End of review.

Holding a match right now in my hand. And then here's. What the fuck? Here is... Here's one last one. Somebody needs to keep an eye on that guy, whoever just wrote that. That's really alarming. Yeah, okay.

That's like the guy who said, I want... Remember that hardware store episode where the guy was like, can I please have... What did he say? He was like, can I please have what did he say he was like can i have please have your address no are you talking about like when the guy wanted to go invite the person to his barbecue at the sex shop no no there was one where the guy was like writing this vaguely threatening response like can you please send a oh no the guy was like threatening to burn down the home depot basically in like veiled language and then the manager was like threatening to burn down the Home Depot, basically, in like veiled language.

And then the manager responded like, hi, could you please send us along your full name and phone number and email address and contact us immediately? Thank you. Oh, my God. That's what it was. That's it. So this is one more from the same restaurant. And just for a little context, context, he and Russell Westbrook were teammates in

Oklahoma City. So Russell Westbrook is mentioned later, you'll see. Here's a one-star review. My experience was pretty good for eight years, but then all of a sudden, the food made me feel like I was going to choke. Sort of like Kevin Durant in Game 6 of the Western Conference Final.

The menu's terrible because they put the price of nachos joke, sort of like Kevin Durant in game 6 of the Western Conference Final. The menu's terrible, because they put the price of nachos at $31, but I only got 10 nachos. Also like game 6, where Kevin Durant shot 10 for 31. Hmm, just a coincidence I guess. The waiters gave me burnt food, not as bad as we burned KD's jersey, but it was pretty bad. I'd say the restaurant should have much cheaper food because KD isn't worth that much.

The restaurant was great for eight years, but it's turned into complete garbage and is owned by an even more garbage person that goes by the name of Kevin Durant. Kevin, let this be a message to you, my great old friend. You can take your talents somewhere else but oklahoma city will be stronger than ever and russell westbrook will dunk on you doesn't matter what team he plays for because he will get a ring before you and he will destroy you end of review oh my god i've pictured this person like eating doritos and like watching bridgetget Jones diary and like typing this out he's gonna get a ring oh it just sounds very much like a breakup anthem and um I'm sorry to say for this reviewer but uh I think Kevin Durant got traded and won uh got two rings in the next like two years yeah but

I was gonna wait you don't understandlahoma city is stronger without him they clearly were i love the weird forced analogies of like there were 10 nachos for 31 just like he really forced that one in there yeah back-to-back championships after after leaving which is so funny and makes these reviews so much sadder because it's like all these people so bitter and like as a sports fan i get it i don't fault them whatever but like they're so bitter and then the next two years like the guy they're better about like goes on to win two champs yeah it's it's a rough look man you gotta let go you know you gotta you gotta listen you heard it here first, folks. Everyone in Oklahoma City, it's been years. Let it go.

Let's go. I'm sure you can find nachos somewhere else. Thank you, Rachel, for those wonderful reviews. Oh, that was it? Yeah, I know a lot of those didn't have Kevin Durant in the name. No, they were good. That's exactly the whole point. I figured that last final one would be enough.

Wow. Kevin, are you listening to me kevin come on sad days i can't wait for you and i to open a restaurant so people can yell at us on the internet oh wait they already do that um anyway what if we open okay never mind this is not the time for that we've talked about that we have um and our parents were like don't do that we did that and it was a terrible idea they got divorced see and my girl scout experience was ruined so that i learned my lesson um thank you sue thank you brooke thanks everybody for listening uh let me give you the theme for next week sandy please do okay so the theme for next week, Sandy. Please do. Okay, so the theme for next week was sent in by Nicholas from New Hampshire.

He was inspired by the Runza and garbage plate themes and said, hey, how about poutine? Being near Canada, poutine is popular here and a poutine place theme would be great. So he suggested Montreal, Quebec City or just Quebec in general, but I figure we could just do Canada. Let's just do Canada. Just the entire country. The entire country the entire country of canada awesome thank you nick thank you nicholas i knew it you ready for your challenge

your challenge comes from tara who just actually recently started listening so welcome tara reviews of a dna test service in which someone found out they were adopted however i'm going to keep make it a little broader just in case and say a review of a DNA test service or test kit where someone found out something shocking. Someone learned something about themselves. Something pretty surprising. Unexpected.

Unexpected. Oh, this is so fun. Yes, long lost relative. This is like the time I did a 23andMe and I learned that I was like 92% white. I know. I was surprised too. What's the other 8%? Like Ashkenazi Jew.

The rest is just like Germany. The end. the rest is just like germany the end it's like a tiktok put your finger down like white person edition like oh i'm bad at those if you've ever said where you're for or like talked about your ancestry in terms of percentages yep yep uh yep uh i fall for all of that it's sad um anyway so that's i'm very excited thank you this is a good one yeah tara is tara tara so tara and nicholas we've got it we hear you loud and clear and if anybody has any uh any they can think of or find send them our way we might use them next week otherwise just hold tight and we'll see you in seven days. Talk to you soon. Bye, everyone.