Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 116: Poutineries in Canada

Episode Date: February 17, 2021

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. hello and welcome to episode 116 of beach juice sandy water tourette podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion my name is alex i'm christine and i'm having a bad day no i'm in a bad mood and so i want to tell everybody because A long time ago. I was in a bad mood and then we got mean itunes reviews about it So now i'm preemptively telling you i'm in a bad mood. Oh my god. Why?

What's all there's a snowstorm? And so I drove to the doctor this is on okay thursday I drove to the doctor I got there and they were like no you were scheduled yesterday and I was like at one o'clock and I was Like I scheduled this appointment yesterday at two o'clock. So there's no way I was scheduled for yesterday at one o'clock, whatever. So they're like, fine, come back next week. So I come in today. They're like, actually, you have to go to the other office.

So then I drove all the way to like freaking Montgomery, Ohio, this other office. I got there and it was closed. And I called like three different numbers and finally they were like oh yeah they're having a snow day and i was like what the hell it's one o'clock in the afternoon and so then i drove home and there was an accident on our exit so i had to like be stuck on the highway for 25 minutes and anyway now i came home and i ate some girl scout cookies and i'm waiting for my mood to be better. But right now it's very irritated.

Okay, so everyone skip ahead hopefully 30 minutes, maybe until next week. We don't know. That's all. It's understandable. Hey, at least you gave a reason for it. Moon woke me up at 4.30. Oh, no. And I went to bed at 1, so I haven't slept.

And Moon just snurfles around my bed and crawls under the covers anyway okay i'm ready you're ready for some poutine yes i would love some poutine okay because that is our theme this week it's poutineries in canada that's right and i do have a little preemptive note here which is that another preemptive note i'm in a bad mood no i'm just kidding i have another preemptive note which is that according to chris who emailed us poutine is a rip-off of chips cheese and gravy a dish from the isle of man which is also apparently the only place in the UK with no COVID. So Chris wanted to let us know that the OG, you know, fries covered in gravy is from the Isle of Man, which we're all very impressed, Chris.

Thank you. I didn't know that. I did not know that either. But he also said something rude about Canadians, but I'm just not going to repeat that. So I'm going to leave that part out. So anyway, thank you for that um correction and with that we're going back to canada so right as we're talking about canada and probably some canadians perked up at this episode title we're talking about how someone sent us an email about well you can't keep them

in a good mood forever i gotta drag everyone down with me got it and that makes sense okay knock them down a peg or two uh-huh um why don't you go first sure okay this is a review of mean poutine this is a two-star review by gabe during my trip to vancouver i had my fair share ofoutine. This was by far the best one I had. Two stars, you may ask? The service wasn't quite the best experience. Recap. Being from Chicago, we had to ask about the Chicago hot dog on the menu. We noticed there were ingredients on it that didn't belong on a Chicago hot dog. My buddy asks politely why they call it a Chicago dog when it does not have the correct toppings for a Chicago dog. Didn't get the best response back so it was best to just leave after we got our food. I feel sorry for the people who order a Chicago dog but then get this

mysterious hot dog instead. End of review. Mysterious hot dog? What's so mysterious hot dog what's so mysterious it's a fucking hot dog it's mister dear well i guess hot dogs in general are pretty mysterious but i don't think that um anyone who orders a chicago dog in vancouver is basing their entire opinion on the midwest metropole of chicago on on this this wiener on this wiener specifically a lot is resting on that wiener though christina a lot of onions and mayo and pickles but all the wrong things are laying on yeah all those which probably don't go on a chicago hot dog what yeah what does go on it and don't ask me that don't tweet at us about it yeah we don't care of us eat them, so we don't give a shit. We don't. We don't.

So, calm down. I care, but I just don't want to know. Oh, okay. I thought we were being in a bad mood today. I am in a bad mood. I thought we were being mean to these people. Okay. You know who I bet is from Chicago?

Who? Chris, who wrote that email in about Canadians. This is probably what it was about. You mean the man who's from the isle of man okay yeah maybe he's from chicago to be fair you didn't clarify that chris was from why would he be so defensive about the isle of man okay maybe i guess you're right he could be a know-it-all from chicago so that's the other option exactly but it looks like he definitely is from the uk so oh got it okay so that's a more understandable then yes

he's defending his own people and that's a little more which i guess is what this chicagowan is doing um i guess but i wouldn't do the same for my hometown cuisine can you imagine if we went somewhere and they were like to a different a foreign nation a different country and they had something called cincinnati skyline and we were like what's in it why do you put that in it which one you like that's wrong why would you do that i don't know who cares i don't know teenager behind the counter doesn't put the mustard on it i don't know the two to put two stars for that this is so silly i don't know whatever who gives a shit let them put their i'm in a bad mood stop taking it away what oh sorry i'm sorry i thought we were just i was

it's in solidarity you want me to be in a good mood no that makes me in a worse mood oh then i'll be neutral okay time to read a neutral three-star review i'm just kidding this is a one-star review of smokes poutinery which is a very popular chain oh yeah um popular is one word for it uh it is a um well-known well known chain of poutinery in um in canada can i just say also people complain about everything with poutine oh my god it's like impossible to have like the perfect one yeah it's like everything it's like from what you're gonna have complaints about every little thing this is this was very frustrating well it reminded me of the buffalo wing episode where it's like yeah you just can't win no matter what you do to it yeah it's like this is how it should be and then. Yeah, it's like, this is how it should be.

And then you read reviews of the next place. This is how it should be. It's like, Jesus Christ. It's all wrong. Why are people so negative? Anyway, just go to the one you like. Here's a one-star review. Stop being so fucking negative, everybody. Here's a one-star review by Lily of Smokes.

This is in Toronto, Canada. There were three of us that walked into this location today, all looking forward to a very tasty lunch. There was one guy working. He took two orders and walked away. He went into the back to start cooking the orders along with the many online orders. I was still standing there waiting to order. We came in together to order together, to leave together.

He never once apologized for the wait. He made the other two orders and bagged them before turning to me to ask what I would like. Never going back to this location again. Customer service is the worst I have seen in a very long time and a review this is an sat question i'm so confused they walked in together three of us walked in together but two left how many people are left waiting one of us disappeared um what happened i'm so confused literally it just pissed me off because this person says that three of them, a group of three, walk in to get poutine together.

Right. The guy who's working there, there's one employee working there. Right. Has to take orders and fill online orders that are coming in. Right. online orders that are coming in right so he takes two of the orders goes to work on those two orders along with some online orders so she's just mad that this person that the server or cook or whatever didn't um do all three of theirs at once well i mean it's probably because she's the third wheel and she already feels lost out that must be it and was also standing like 20 feet back from

yeah and wasn't invited also to their outings actually just following them and like they didn't even know who she was yeah so that's probably what happened but um and then lost the tail because didn't get the food at the same time Chicago dog took too long yeah it happens you know to the best of us um but yeah how like if that's the worst fucking customer service you've seen in a long time. You must live at a golden age. I mean, your experiences must be just exquisite. And based on this review, this person deserves bad customer service.

Can you imagine if there was a snow day at the doctor's office where this person went? Because I'm sure they wouldn't be as calmly cranky as I was. Yeah, that's how we'll put it. Calmly cranky. Yep. Yep. Great. Thank you.

I'm glad you thought that was great. I did. Here's another review by Pauline. This is of Mean Poutine by Pauline. This is of Mean Poutine by Pauline. I ordered a basic poutine to go hoping it would satisfy my craving for a good old comfort food. Sadly, it didn't. The sauce

was great, but there could have been more of it and they really skimmed on the cheese. That was the main disappointment. It's like in those cartoons where lazy children go berry picking. Okay, nothing disappointment it's like in those cartoons where lazy children go berry picking huh okay nothing is coming to mind i'm i'm racking my brain for these cartoons that currently exist it's like maybe you'll know maybe you'll remember when i give you some more detail

okay this person like grew up in the 50s or something, right? 1840s. It's like in those cartoons where lazy children go berry picking. Wait for Gio. I'm sorry. Oh my gosh. I wish. Oh, that's the other fun fact.

Gio had a snow day today. When do dogs get snow days? I don't get a snow day. I don't get a snow day. Okay. You don't get a snow day. You work from home. Yeah, but not when I have to drive all over to Montgomery, Ohio. Well, technically, your doctor office did give you a snow day.

They just didn't tell you until you got there. That's the worst kind of snow day, when you put your uniform on and go to school and then find out there's no school yeah and then you go at home and you're like i can't go back to sleep go back to bed what's the point i don't want to go sledding it's cold out there it's like in those cartoons where lazy children go berry picking but instead of filling their baskets with berries they fill them with leaves and only cover the top with berries. So as to give the impression their basket is full of them, except it's not. End of review. It's not, it's not, what? So they just get fewer berries?

You know. Do they get, like, is that? They're lazy children. So they're getting, oh, are they getting like paid to do this? And they're like, look, I have a full basket. Like what? I'm sure children in the 1840s didn't get paid to pick berries they probably just had to do it you know it's for survival yeah part of their homework or something yeah paul this is such a paul i'm sure you made that name up but that is a very paul pauline review

it sounds i usually try to match the name to a pretty similar aesthetic you know yeah you nailed it with that like i am guessing it was something like vicky or like some other older lady name yeah i forgot what we were talking about i literally know people my already lost all of the dorkuses that's right and that was actually a real hit on our numbers true true um actually a real hit on our numbers true true um wow okay so i don't know how much more explanation you need it's pretty obvious what cartoons she's talking about i don't think it is it's called this is a canadian no fucking wonder those canadians watch weird cartoons berry picking kiddos berry picking cartoon the berry picking bungaroos is that a bad word you've seen it is in canada so be careful i know that's what i thought uxner i watch you go strawberry picking

maybe that's what this no way kaiyu would fucking lie about his stupid basket oh god that show is canceled um kaiyu canceled, like the character. That's why he was canceled. Uxner, we did watch Canadian TV because we watched The Big Comfy Couch, which is a Canadian television show. Yes. Isn't Naughty also Canadian? I was going to say Naughty, and then you didn't say Naughty. Naughty.

Stop saying it with a T. I know. I like it that way. It's way worse. It's a Canadian-British children's television series i'm telling you that i know but i said i was almost saying that and then you said big comfy couch made your bedhead they probably yeah they true they probably all went to berry picking you know what this was probably a pretty big part of our childhood watching berry picking cartoons but we suppressed it because it reminded reminded us too much of

ourselves of our home of all the work we had of all the forced labor we had to go through yeah um called the berry picking daddies who's called the bear they sing zoot suit right i know that reference you were kind of making it's a cartoon the berry picking dad berry picking babies berry picking babies oh that's even worse they're the children of the cherry pop and dad oh okay it's the subject no no no can you read one please i don't know if i want to i don't want to talk about this a little bit no okay. I'm gonna go sit on the big comfy couch. Here's another one of Smoke's Poutinerie in Toronto.

This is a one-star review. Very bad service. Beacon raw, not cook. Asked for well-done, well- raw beacon. Cook says beacon comes pre-cooked, and if he makes it well-done, it will be rubber.

Open your ears. Take order. Well done, beacon. Not well raw. Very disgusting. End of review. Stop it! I feel like this is some sort of code that's triggering, like, nuclear warfare.

We have one of those every other episode so far, and nothing bad has happened. Okay, lots bad has happened since we started this podcast. Yeah, don't look out the window. It's a well raw beacon open your ears sheeple that's the worst how did they spell beat i mean is it just b-e-a-c-o-n yep every single time the iphone was like welp technically and sometimes it was capitalized so no okay i don't know what that's supposed to mean but it probably means something um yeah this person has 120 reviews like this is a local guide somehow do you think that they

just kept saying cook my beacon and he was like i need you to leave my restaurant please i won't cook your beacon anymore this person was verified on the internet before us. Yikes. And says things like that. When were we ever verified on Google? Well, not on Google. Oh. I'm not verified anywhere. You're verified on Instagram and Twitter. Oh, I see. You're just lumping yourself in with me.

Yeah. Oh, that's right, everyone. Guess what? Update. I was verified on Twitter. It's very exciting news that I just found out. I'm having a bad day. You're verified on Twitter.

No day is bad when you're verified on Twitter. That's what you'd think. I would. That's what I'd heard, but apparently it's not true. Apparently they're still allowed to. It's only been like 48 hours. I'm telling you. And I'm already getting locked out of multiple office buildings.

Oh, no. It's actually pretty, it's like a red letter. Did you update your doctor's information and say verified on Twitter to make sure they knew? That's on you. That's not on your doctor. If they had known, they would have opened just for you. I didn't check off like the new symptoms docs. Crap.

Okay, I'll do that next time. If they ever let me in. You have any pre-existing conditions? Yes, I'm verified on Twitter. you ever let me in pre-existing conditions yes i'm verified on twitter unfortunately it was never pre-existing it took an extremely long time to actually develop but it's here now it's been incubating for a long time incubating oh no oh no let's move on this is a one-star view of i did not write down which poutine place because it's a screenshot my bad also this is a not recommended review it's under not recommended by fernando one star i used to live next door and when i ordered a large i got a large question mark question mark so i got a small size and i was shocked that they did not

say anything i ordered a double pork fyi so be aware they don't do any large poutine what end of review every um few words there's a question mark in case you didn't understand no no i could tell by your your cadence good and it made it so much worse um what seems to be the problem uh-huh when i ordered a large i got a large so i got a small and i was shocked they did not say anything uh-huh okay when i ordered a large got a large so far sounds pretty normal good exactly we're already in question mark territory so there's already an issue but you're right seemingly no problem seemingly so i got a small size okay so next time ordered a small so i was shocked that they did not say anything and they didn't say like what not your mr large mr Large. Fernando Large. That's what we call you around here. Big boy Fernando. Oh, no.

And they didn't say that, so what the hell is up with that? So be aware, and then at the end, it's just enter, enter. What? Which I guess is kind of how I feel. Yeah. Anyway. I can weirdly relate to this person then, because I too don't know what they're talking about

yeah well that's good at least at least yelp did its job and kept most people from seeing that except you had to go searching for it just so we could hear it thanks a lot it is most satisfying to click on not recommended reviews that it's really grayed out they don't want you to click it they really don't if they ever remove that i will cry the worst is when you click not recommended and then there are reviews that say this remove has been removed for violating our terms of service or whatever because you're like i know that one's amazing and that's the one i want to see yelp is there anyone on the back end of yelp who can get me that info info because i would imagine i

would be delighted i will change the names i will change the locations but just the content oh my god that would be great leak it leak it leak it somebody uh okay so here it's like a fucking whistleblower the yelp whistleblower okay we know you're out there help us uh this is a review of the Great Canadian Poutinerie in Veneer, Ontario, Canada. One star by Delilah. We had a Groupon for this place. When my husband and I went in, the girl was confused about the Groupon vouchers being on our phones. So she went to the back area that was separated by a curtain. When she pulled the curtain back, a big cloud of marijuana smoke wafted into the waiting area. I gave this feedback

on Groupon and the manager sent me several angry emails back and said I was quote very stupid to think this was true. So not only no apology from management but i was told i was lying and also stupid and the poutine wasn't even that good lol end of review yeah it was covered in ashes i mean at like they pulled back the curtain this is some like Wizard of Oz shit. It sounds like Wizard of Oz. A puff of smoke appears and it's marijuana. Come on. Okay. I don't know. That seems so impossible to actually happen.

Yeah, my guess is that like somebody was like cooking in the smoke from a kitchen that's just where this person went. And this person doesn't know what pot smells like. I was actually really relieved when i heard that it was pot because i heard the curtain went back in a huge cloud and i my first instinct was oh no flies like i was picturing like amityville horror like a cloud of flies a swarm um i thought that's where we were going so i was like pot smoke who cares like the place there's a lot of these places people go to and they're drunk so i mean it wouldn't totally shock me yeah i do love though that the manager is like not given any fucks like this because that is the most bizarre feedback like also this could like close

down your business if yeah if you're like threat yeah yeah the employees are doing illegal drugs presumably like there's no way that this would like fly in a restaurant oh fly i'm telling you um it may be it's something going on so the next thing i have here is an email from kirsten of it's a one-star review of shea ashton ash i don't know how to say it because it's i guess french shea ashton and this is a one-star review by Ryan. Poutine is absolutely disgusting. If you're an American and want to try this Canadian experiment, don't. Ask yourselves, why haven't I ever seen french fries smothered in gravy and cheese curds in the US? You would think if poutine was halfway decent, some curious entrepreneur would incorporate it into their business plan.

But if they did, this item alone would send them to their grave. I went into the store with a positive impression of poutine. I left with a headache. It smells like dog food and probably tastes like it too. This is supposed to be one of the meals you try before you leave Canada, but once you do, that meal will single-handedly drive you out of the country. I admire curiosity in individuals, and if you must consume this,

I hope you agree with my review while you're dropping some friends off at the pool. End of review. Okay, that last bit. I had to Google that. It's gross. It means pooping. It means friends off at the pool? It's an idiom for defecating is what

our prediction this person is giving canadians shit for their food and he's saying shit like that he's really gross that's not okay okay um also as an american what what about your cuisine it's so good i don't know have you been to chicago have you had a chicago hot dog oh here's the thing well that you don't understand is that ryan went in with an extremely positive attitude like he goes anywhere he comes in with an extremely positive attitude that is so clear to me you're right it is it's pretty obvious um so clear his personality is very optimistic and upbeat um i do also like that he feels he says it probably tastes like dog food which which implies he didn't try it which true that's a good

point or i mean unless he's never tried yeah but we've had dog food i'm sure we have yeah no i know we've had at the caries oh yeah that's right yeah we did eat dog food it didn't taste good no it's gross but poutine doesn't taste like that so i guess ryan's wrong on one thing yeah typical american though to like judge an entire country based off a meal that was a that was in her that was an entire challenge once you gave me a challenge to find somebody an american in a foreign country comparing the food to america and why it's better in america yep wow this would have been perfect hey yo wow that's bad okay also kirsten asked what type of review is easiest for us like what format to send it in which i thought was very helpful oh um i don't use use screenshots because i use pages and it's they

don't format well so usually i like links the best um but that's me that's links work well for me too because i just then take a screenshot of them but screenshots also work for me because i use screenshots uh but yeah links then in that case yes okay So my next one is of La Banquise in Montreal. This is a one star review. You order your food and stand at the cash like a freaking idiot. While five servers in the back can't simply walk around the counter and give your already prepared food. This place needs to seriously learn what customer service is. I am so angry. I almost feel like going back and shooting the large poutine in their freaking faces. I will be sure to let everyone know to

never ever invest any kind of money into the regular tasting poutines at this disgusting hipster joint end of review so upset wait he wants to shoot hold on i'm gonna cry i'm so confused i pause there for a dramatic effect he wants to shoot the poutine or he wants to shoot the people and shoot the large poutine in their freaking faces so he won't i don't know what that means it sounded like he wanted to shoot someone but then he also wanted to shoot the poutine in the face it's all just very upsetting he wants to shoot them but with poutine oh is that what he's saying because he's saying i feel like i almost oh just you know like just allegedly legal purposes they said i I feel like I almost, oh, just, you know, like, just for legal purposes.

They said, I almost feel like going back and shooting the large poutine in their freaking faces. See, because it could also mean like shooting it up. Drugs. I think that's what drugs are. You know what? I don't think it can mean that. No. Okay.

Well, then never mind. It could also mean like a potato gun, but a poutine gun. Yes. That was my thought. think that's you know what i don't think it can mean that no okay well then never mind uh it could also mean like a potato gun but a poutine gun yes that's that was my thought you like suck it up and then yeah or maybe like a like they they're vomiting it back up maybe oh god projectile vomit at them yeah the word shooting shouldn't be in your review, friends. Agreed. About an establishment, really. Unless you're shooting pool. Especially in such a violent. What?

Unless you're shooting pool. I thought you said porn. But okay, either way. That too. Depending on, you know, what you're up to. But wow. Okay. So sorry.

I got really lost for a minute. Do you even know what the issue this person had is? Yeah. Do you remember? They were looking like an idiot at the cash uh like i don't know why i want to cry i think it's just i'm so overwhelmed by how ridiculous all this is um and there were five servers who couldn't bring the food out which to me sounds like the sims where you take the door out and they're all kind of just like bouncing around on each other until they all kind of die.

But I don't really know what happens here. They're stuck back there? He says that they can't walk around. Not that they don't. Right, because he took the door out. So yeah, he probably took the door out and the pool ladder out. He was shooting pool and he took the ladder out of the pool. And now they can't bring him his poutine. And all he wanted to do was drop his friends off in the pool the pool ladder out he was shooting pool and he took the ladder out of the pool and now they can't bring him his poutine and all he wanted to do was drop his friends off

at the pool right right okay i get it yeah so it's like he's saying it's already prepared food but they can't just bring it to you i don't know you know it's like a like a counter where you pick it up like a pranera pranera you know what i mean because that could be i did watch a little video on this place um i don't know like a new segment okay and i remember because i was wait was it because there was a shooting no i was just reading all the comments everyone's talking about how obnoxious everyone is there because it's like montreal and like they're like if you don't speak French then they treat you like shit and like literally they had the owner or whatever and she was like sassy from the start it was

hilarious I would like to this this woman from New York went up to travel there I don't know where in New York but like New York State I think it was like a news segment and went up there and tried it. The news anchor asked something like, I want to get the full quote for you. Okay. When people come to visit Montreal from New York, why do they have to stop here at La Banquise to try the poutine? And the woman in her French accent says that's not a

question and that's it okay renata like saying like hello like as if they're insulted by that like i won't deign to answer it is that what she's saying yeah oh my god and then she said la banquise is the best confident wellident. Well, that answers the question. That wasn't a question, I guess. That's not a question. It's not. You're right. It answers the question that was not, certainly not a question. Fair point.

I love that. Anyway. Wow. Amazing. Well. But you know how Canadians are, right, Chris? Right, Chris? Oh, we never said who sent this in, did we?

This theme. Yeah, because we didn't want Chris to come after them. No. Yeah, true. Protect them. This was sent in by Nick, and also I found out Aurora suggested it, like, a long time ago in a different email. No, that's wrong. Nick suggested it July of 2020, and Aurora suggested it in january so i think they both

get the credit so i'm out of reviews do you have any left oh i have one yeah okay here is a one star review with a response from owner this is of myers i'm not sure m-Y-H-R-E Meyers Sandwich Shop and Poutinerie in Calgary. This is a one star review. Very rude and disrespectful. The young man behind the counter is really arrogant and unprofessional.

The worst experience I ever had. End of review. Then the owner responds with. That is not a question. That's quite something if a 17 year old can deliver the worst experience of your life. I wish I had your life. End of response. I love that.

That's exactly how I feel when people say like, like oh this guy didn't make all of our orders at once this is the worst experience i've ever had it's like what a charmed life you must lead exactly like if that's really your complaint and your takeaway from this poor teenager the manager's like don't worry about it uh you're literally a teenager this is the the owner i want for sure seriously yeah damn the boss is standing up for you in a really weird backhanded way love it so my challenge was sent in by last week we said tara but also carly apparently sent in something really similar and that was to find reviews of a dna test where someone learned something unexpected i'm so excited for this elks in her i found hundreds there are hundreds you literally just have to type in the word shocked on any of the review

lists it is unbelievable how many people have found things out and meanwhile i'm sitting here like wow i'm so white when I did mine. And like, that was it. Like, I didn't find anything exciting. But apparently this happens a lot and very unexpectedly to people. So I picked some of my favorites out. This first one is a lot of them, by the way, were positive, even though they got shocking information. So this is a five-star review by

angela of 23andme i was 98 northern european i expected that blue eyes blonde hair what shocked me was i had 296 variants of neanderthals in my dna it also said i had the fast twitch muscle fibers of elite athletes yet i have lost every foot race i was ever in what am i end of review wait wait is this person having having an actual crisis here identity crisis it does sound like a riddle what am i i have four legs i have the muscle twitch fiber of an elite athletes and i have 296 variants of neanderthal what are you you are sonic the hedgehog angela um yeah i don't know i just liked how really really uh this sent her into kind of a spiral uh 296 variants of neanderthal does the person know what that means because i certainly don't i don't

i was part neanderthal but like a really small part oh okay showing off only 294 okay variants i definitely didn't have any fast twitch muscle fibers i can tell you that much i mean it sounds like a scam like some sort of like i don't i don't know how this stuff works they did tell you that much. I mean, it sounds like a scam, like some sort of like, I don't know how this stuff works. Well, they did tell me that I did not seem to have the gene to think cilantro tastes like soap, which is correct. I don't have that. So it was correct on that front, but I guess that's a 50-50. So this is a two-star review by Lou, who seems to be in denial.

Sorry, Lou, but it seems to be true. I had a hassle with my first 23andMe order and sent it back. I ordered it to find out a shock of my life that my dad was not my biological father. I wrote to 23andMe to see if this could be a mistake. They came back with some lame answer so now i'm going to get a second opinion end of review oh my god awkward that's under the number of people who realize their dad or dad wasn't their dad it happens a lot that's terrifying like that's always like nobody it's just like a bomb drop like nobody

expects that they do it for fun to see like what their heritage is and then they're like wait a second like i don't expect that so now it makes me feel like it's more likely to be true i know it's i mean yeah it's really trippy because you would never think that it would happen to you. But then obviously none of these people thought it would happen to them. Oh, my God. Yeah. Well, I'll read you one in a little bit that gives you a pretty good example of how this occurs. So let's see.

Okay. This is one that I liked. This is a short one of Ancestry DNA Kid. This is a four-star review by BJ. We got this as a gift for our friend, and the results totally shocked her. She discovered she is part Viking. End of review. Okay, I got so nervous here.

I'm like, oh, okay. Never mind. I was like, is this person not your friend anymore? Like, are you, like, the bearer of bad news? I would feel so nervous giving this as a gift to a friend. She discovered that. That was actually i think the title i forgot the title of the review it was like think twice before giving as a gift

or something they really made you think that it was going to be something terrible and then it's like part vikings like she discovered that her dad was not her real biological dad and her real dad was a viking it was shocking you would never believe it uh her real dad was a Viking. It was shocking. You would never believe it. Her real dad was a muscle twitch fiber elite athlete. Okay, so here's another great example of why you should not give it as a gift. Now, this is the one that... This is a roller coaster, okay? Three Star Review by Kelly. Buckle in.

I know, buckle up up this is a verified purchase of ancestry dna i wanted to warn you guys that this test isn't always light-hearted fun i bought it as a christmas gift for myself last year and i was really excited to find out more about my genetic heritage the reason it's almost a year since i reviewed this product is because what i got instead was the shock of my life here's the story oh my god I already have goosebumps I'm nervous stressful okay I'm a 32 year old female at the time I got my results I was 31 I've been joking for years that my real dad is Denzel Washington

wait is it though turns out it's, it's the all-state guy. Oh my god, spoiler alert, it's not Denzel Washington. I'd been joking for years that my real dad is Denzel Washington, mainly because I'm so different from my dad and we don't look alike at all. I also found out that one of my great grandmothers like eight generations back was a slave who won her freedom and I wanted to see how much African I had. I thought it'd be really cool. Anyway, I finally got my results in last February. I sent them in early January. As I looked at my results, I quickly felt confused by what I was seeing. Less than 2% African. Bummer. My dreams of being Denzel's love child were crushed.

But also zero Native American, which was weird because my dad has a lot of that on his side. Also 0% Spanish. What the fuck? Where did Eastern Europe and Ireland come from? I was so confused. So then I see that there's this tool that connects you with familial matches and I'm like, awesome! Now I can see if I matched up with any cool family members wrong it was not awesome i matched with someone who shared enough dna with me that it was a direct familial match i looked closer to see that this person had to be within 99 accuracy either my father or my son the bad news is i have no son it's not funny it's so alarming oh my god it's so alarming i love how they're like i think this is your son or your dad and you're like i know which one it is it's like i have a dad i don't have a son so one of them's either being replaced or there's something

medically going on yeah there's like a nine months of my life just like missing no other option the bad news was i have no son also my dad doesn't believe in dna tests that's weird yeah that means that he's hiding something from you like about your relationship or he's a serial killer like yeah yes most likely my first gut instinct would be what you said of like he's hiding from the law but i guess the second instinct is like he's hiding from familial drama the truth so i sent a screenshot to my mom mom something you need to tell me and then to my dad dad are you sure you're not on ancestry dna but my brain still would not register what i just learned my mom played dumb my dad called me and told me the truth my sisters and i came from a sperm donor you You guys, this rocked my world, not in a

good way. I was a complete disaster. I've got two sisters from my dad, one who I thought was 100% my sister and one who I thought was half. I didn't know if my big sister and I had the same donor, but for sure my little sister, the half one didn't. So much to process. My dad told my older sister that night. He waited months to tell my my dad told my older sister that night he waited months to tell my little sister my older sister got our results a few months later and it turns out we came from the same donor who i am now in contact with and he's very nice my little sister went straight into denial and refuses to acknowledge it at all my point in telling this story is seriously before you take this test consider what you might learn

if i could go back in time and not take this test i'm not sure if i would then again i finally have some clarity on a lot of things and health issues i wouldn't have without the knowledge just know what pandora's box you might be opening end of review that's a lot though damn it is can you imagine every time she joked about denzel washington her parents were like cut it out it's not funny she's like so weird dad and i look nothing alike oh my god i mean i got i was nervous i mean not not that that's not like like wild news to get and a lot to process but i was worried that it was something the dad didn't know well that's most of the time exactly that's i guess maybe i'm just like cynical where i'm like oh it's gonna be something terrible ruining this family but i'm

glad to hear that at least like the reason um that i figured he might know is because he doesn't believe in dna tests which makes me wonder like okay he probably knew something was going on yeah um but yeah i mean a lot of most of them where it was like my dad isn't my dad it was like my dad didn't know which is ultra disturbing yeah um and just very sad but uh so actually here's a good example so hayley emailed us and sent in a story about her grandma okay so hayley says her grandma found out her mother cheated on her father and got pregnant with another man her real biological father died so she never met him but she found out she has two new brothers and they're all very happy that their family has grown and she gives

the experience five stars oh that's excellent i think maybe being a grandma and having that like clarity as a grown wise person maybe would help i think if i were like my immature ass age and i found out that like my parents weren't my parents or whatever i think i'd probably have like a full-on identity crisis oh my god i couldn't imagine yeah so it seems like she handled it the best possible way of just embracing the experience yeah yeah and if you can embrace the new people in your life um assuming that they're good people for you yeah i mean that's kind of fun like to look at it as oh we have new siblings or new family members yeah there was someone online who said like i thought

i was or i was raised as an only child and i found out i have like two sisters and that must just be the wildest thing to like figure that out in your 20s yeah like if we found out that we had another sibling no i can't do it we have enough i'm that's enough yeah oh wait we do have another one don't we oh shit totally forgot well we didn't realize it until we did that 23 and me and she kind of just showed up well we told her she was adopted for the our her whole life that it got to a point where like we started to believe it too tim was like this is no longer funny they're like denzel washington came through town one time you know oh my god um but yeah no that shit is wild i can't i can't imagine i like you've already done it for yourself so and i have a feeling mine wouldn't be much different. I think they'd be really similar.

I can't imagine us having different parents. No, it's unfortunately too obvious that our DNA is too similar. Exactly. I would be interested to see Francisca's because she's the only... Because you were wondering if Tim's a herald or a stepdad. No, because our family is all from Europe, but hers is like a lot based in the U.S. and more people in the U.S. use it. Like with us.

That's true. I'm like connected to nobody on there because nobody in Europe is using it. So I have like fourth cousins. That's as close as it gets. First generation Americans. I know. It's so sad. It's such a hard life when you can't connect to strangers

through ancestry.com i think it is oh so and then taylor sent an email also this is the last one who said she lives for the drama of ancestry and 23andme plot twists which like i do too now i've developed like a weird new hobby and i think like tmt, I might pitch this to TLC because I feel like this would be a wild time. Maybe we should just do a whole new podcast spinoff. Oh, that would be really cool, I think. This is a review Taylor sent in, which is probably my favorite of all of them. And this is a verified purchase of an Ancestry kit by Jessie. The title is, My Grandma Che i just found out i found out my grandma cheated on grandpa while he was away

in world war ii my hoe of a grandma had four babies and no one ever knew i am very thankful for this test i have connected with my mom's sister and one brother very happy to know i have family end of review yay my hoe of a grandma hoe of a grads a sentence you never want to hear your grandchild say can you imagine while he was gone in world in the war she had four freaking babies like that's a lot of work yeah i mean my dumb ass was like how did he he not know when they're FaceTiming and stuff? It's like, oh, wait. When they're FaceTiming? They wrote letters that probably didn't even get to each other.

And she accidentally, like one of the kids, like finger painted on it or something. I'm like thinking, like, how could he not know? And I'm like, he was in World War fucking 2. Yeah, he's a little bit busy. A little busy. I just love like, oh, that grandma that hoe anyway so glad i have all these new relatives i feel like time sometimes dampens the pain of these things it tends to anyway because you can get some distance um yeah because if grandpa came back from fighting in World War II. To four children. And there were like four new kids.

Like, what the? Yeah. I mean, that would be something. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. But if they find out many, many, many, many, many years later, it's like, well, what are you going to do about it now? Oh, my God.

It's such the cliche of like the milkman and all that. Like, there were so many stories where it was like, my mom was always really weird about why I didn't look like my dad and i mean just a dozens and dozens i mean i would say hundreds of these stories online um being like i just wanted to see what you know if i had any scandinavian in me and i found out that like i'm part egyptian because my mom slept with some guy like it's just the wildest thing that technology has led us to this point which i'm sure the past has happened way more than any of us realized but now we can just

access it we should really do a whole episode on these this is so fun yeah it's really interesting i mean there's so many and like a lot of them i just couldn't even fit but that was a great challenge so um thank you tara and carly yes thank you, Tara and Carly. Yes, thank you. Thank you. And I actually for once prepared a challenge, Danny. Good, because I'm not ready. Oh, man. Well, should we do a Valentine's Day one? Oh, sure.

Even though we're late. Every time that I come prepared with the challenge, Alexander's like, actually, let's do a theme that has nothing to do with your challenge. Throw it in the trash can. No, I don't know. Just because we were going to do like a, we talked about doing a bonus. I don't know why we forgot. Should we still do it?

Yeah, that's fine with me. It'll be like a week and a half late, but whatever. And it won't make me sad anymore because it's like Valentine's is already over. So it's not like I'm dreading it. And all the candy will be cheap. True, true. it's like valentine's is already over so it's not like i'm dreading it and all the candy will be cheap true true and now people are reviewing things right now for things this year valentine's day their experience so it's actually for the best quarantine valentine's experience because last year we weren't here yet in quarantine true true last year I was going through a breakup. Oh, woof. Yeah, that's right. That's nice.

Yeah. So come back next week for an episode full of love and Cupid. Cupid. Okay. Well, yeah, because if you're not sick, if you're not like finally Valentine's Day is over. Well, not for us. It's never over.

Sorry. We don't keep track of our calendar and you should know that by now all right well talk to you then thanks everyone i'll be waiting for my valentine's everybody bye I'm out.