Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 117: Valentine's Day Reviews

Episode Date: February 24, 2021

This episode will have you believing in love and God. We hope it makes you ripple ;) Check out our new poster! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy! Follow us on TikTok! tiktok.com/@beachtoosandy Subscribe to Christine's YouTube channel to watch her read creepy stories! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCb-gAs8Evw3ht70wTk1TiMA Listen to Alex's newest podcast, Human Seeking Human: https://linktr.ee/humanseekingpod Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. hello and welcome to beach to sandy water to at the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion my name is alex and i'm christine and we're recording live live in the same place okay yes we're uh together again i am officially moved to back to Cincinnati, Ohio. Just till the end of the pandemic. Don't get too excited. But yeah, I'm here. So hopefully that

means good things. It should. I think so. We already ate some Gold Star Chili. I know, but Skyline doesn't have a great vegetarian option, so I don't know what to tell you. And it's vegan if you get it without the cheese, so it worked for me. Sounds boring, but there are still oyster crackers. So we're here today on our very belated Valentine's Day special. Alex Zinner told me that he prepared before his big move, but didn't really say anything except you'll see over and over and over again yeah it's a weird thing that i did great and i don't know if anyone's gonna like it but me but

that's okay all right do you are you going first um sure i'll get us started uh are you familiar with uh talking tomcat no obviously i'm not does Oh my god. Okay, I showed her a picture of Talking Tomcat. Why do I know what that is? Because hundreds of millions of people are familiar and have seen this Talking Tom, who is one of the most popular free games on the App Store. It's a cat that talks. That's, yeah, and it's led to many, many spinoffs. And today we are specifically going to be talking about the app Tom's Love Letters. Oh dear God.

And here's the description. Show your special someone how you feel. Download now and start your love story. Want to tell that special someone how you feel but don't know how? Don't worry. Your friends Talking Tom and Talking Angela are here to help. They've got lots of ideas, including cards and cute songs you can send. Send personal romantic messages and cute pictures to your special someone.

Can you imagine being like, I'm not really a romantic. Let me check out what my Talking Cat app says. Believe it or not, that's what people did. Like, people actually use this thing. Is Angela a cat, too? Yes, they're both cats. Okay. Here's a picture of the two of them.

What the hell? I also downloaded the app. Great. And just so you all know, just ahead of time, so you know whether you want to stay, All of my reviews will be of Tom's Love Letters. Okay. I think I have nine prepared. Here they are. I'm showing her the app right now.

They're blinking. What's worse, and I'll try to put this up to the microphone, is when you tap them, they do certain things. Oh, there we go. Oh. They kiss. They kiss again if i hope they hug and then and then you can send you can personalize oh that is well that is that is a weird looking oh god um and you can change the caption you can send little e-greetings with the cats.

In marker felt font. Yes, it's quite nice. And then you can change it up, which picture you use. Oh, the wedding one. That's how you propose. Yeah, yeah. What does it say? I love you even when I'm angry.

I thought it said hangry. Did it say angry? It said angry. Oh, hangry would have been funnier. Anyway, so that's the gist of it. Let me read my first review, okay? I hate that while you're doing this, it's the first time we're literally recording three feet away on the same microphone.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. I'm going to get my milkshake. Okay, you'll need it. Okay, I'm ready. I saw something in their eyes. Me too. This is a one-star review. That was the title.

Okay. So I was enjoying and feeling love, but in Angela's eyes, if you look, she has, like, a man. And I think that it is true. It is not a lie. So if you don't want to die, please do not play. But I played for a little bit. She sent a message to my friends saying, he, he, he, I don't like you. And they got mad at me and left the group.

But it wasn't even my phone typing. It just popped up. So I deleted the app and told them they believed me. I didn't happen again. And LOL, I wasn't even my phone typing. It just popped up. So I deleted the app and told them they believed me. I didn't happen again. And LOL, I wasn't even typing. They didn't. They didn't think it was me. Good.

I said, cause yay. But it said Abby is not available. I hear footsteps in the hallway. So don't play. End of review. So this is like a horror movie concept where you play it and it takes over your life and whoever plays the game gets murdered the ring but it's a valentine's app uh with two talking cats and i will say don't actually talk in this app it doesn't seem to be they haven't said a single

word since i got it yeah um i uh wow that's even scarier than any horror movie, than any slasher I've ever seen. It said, I don't like you, hee hee. Yeah, it said, hee hee, no, it said, hee hee hee, I don't like you. I love that their friends got actually pissed about it. Yeah, yeah. But then they believed them right away. They didn't think it was really me. They knew that this app was coming out to stab me to death.

They probably all downloaded it and said, oh, guess we're next. Oh my goodness. Okay, great. Thanks for that. You're welcome. Now what? You want more? Another one?

I've got a lot. I only have four of you, so I guess you do two, I do one. Perfect. This one is titled, Do Not Download. One star. I've been playing this game for a few days, and one day it said, you again. I was so shocked I wanted to undownload the app, but my door shut and couldn't move at all. And then it said, look behind you.

And I prayed to Jesus and I could move and everything was back to normal. Wait, what? End of review. So they had sleep paralysis about this app? This app is clearly cursed whether it's on purpose or not. But Jesus came through this time. So this is really like a a satanic i mean i'm not surprised but i knew that the second i saw it seeing it yeah you

can tell but yeah um apparently though like miracles happen jesus making miracles happen yeah he loves to help modern day 21st century miracles happen through the app store so true it's interesting i didn't believe in god in God until this app came into my life. Yeah? I didn't believe in love until I saw the app and thought, wow, I've seen it with my own two eyes. Look really close into her eyes and you see a man with a knife. That's when I believe in love. And also Jesus.

Oh, man. All right. You want to? Oh, my turn, right? Go ahead. I've like resigned to myself to my fate okay i'm trying to think how to do this uh okay this is your punishment okay i need you to acknowledge how could this be worse than what i just gave you

i got a review from commonsensemedia.org. Mm-hmm. This is, that's how. My favorite place on the internet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So this is a review of the movie Valentine's Day. Have you seen that film? I have not. It's a. Is that the one with all the different people in it? Yes.

It's sort of like a love actually for Valentine's Day. Uh-huh. Did you move that? Yes, that was me. I thought it was the cat app. I was like, oh my my god the laptop is moving by itself her eyes are coming to get me angela okay here's a review a four-star review of the movie valentine's day it's like a rom-com basically it has alec taylor swift taylor lautner emma roberts

the four-star review by an 11 year old my review. My review of Valentine's Day. S asterisk X. This was a little edgy to me. Phone S asterisk X and talk of teen S asterisk X and some naked men. Only covered by guitar. Sometimes my mom would say during S asterisk. Okay, I don't know how to say this. During sexual convos.

No, don't say the word out loud. How do I do it? It's censored for a reason. How do I do it? S asterisk actual. Okay, fine. Sometimes my mom would say during S asterisk actual convos, you didn't hear that. And I'd wink at her and go, here what?

Oh, if my child did that to me, I would. Violence. A woman gets pretty violent at a I hate Valentine's Day party, but that's as far as it gets. Commercial products. A man asks a woman if she has a Facebook. It was a sweet movie, but I would say pre-teens and up. This title contains sexy stuff. Oh my, it's asterisk, asterisk, sexy stuff.

That part was written out plain and clear. Yeah, that's so, oh my God. They're willing to include that. That's, where are their morals? So what morals? wink oh my god that wink the idea of children winking at their parents at their parents during s asterisk actual con convos this is maybe the first time i don't want to watch the movie after hearing a common sense media review that is that is. You're right, though. That was punishment.

You know what? But you're right, because when you said, oh, if a kid did that to me. Because you're right. It's not that weird for the mom to say, oh, you didn't see that. But then for the kid to turn and wink. Like, that makes it weird. Like, you made it weird. The child made it weird.

Yes, exactly. A lot of times it seems like the parents make it weird. But this time, no, no. God, it reminds me of that time I was watching Fargo. And there's a very graphic scene in there and elsie walked in like got really upset so weird she got upset right like yeah she was like not happy how old were you like seven i'm kidding i was like i was in her no i'm I was in high school. Oh my god. I know. I know. It was, it's pretty, that scene is pretty bad. Alright, here's another one.

This is of Tom's Love Letters. Right. Titled, Something is Wrong, one star. Yes. There is something wrong with the pictures that I see your reflection in the pictures of Angela's eyes. And a review. can you imagine if somebody said that to you i would break up with them instantly if someone were trying to be romantic be like every time i look at this cat this cartoon cat all i see is you yeah i don't

know who the you is in this case but they better run far away from this reviewer i swear to god if your significant other often leaves you uh romantic messages hidden in app store reviews i would double check to make sure nothing really weird is happening oh my god okay here's another one one star oh i don't like games now today. Please help me. Please help us right now. End of review. Please help us. Except it's not really the end because there are like 12 emojis. There's like an angry face, the like straight line face, the like gasp face, the like raised eyebrow face.

Then let's see, two, four, six, like blushing faces. And a bunch of 911s. Uh-oh. Okay. Something's going on here. I'm really not loving these. No. I know you're surprised.

These remind me of Common Sense Media, but like more erratic. Or not really more erratic, just like strangely frightening, I guess. Yeah. And it's weird that it was multiple. We've seen, and I'm not saying these are all... No, but you're right. They're all the same strange insinuation that there's a murderer coming through the screen. Something messed up with this game.

And I've played the game. It is fairly innocuous. There's nothing there. I noticed today that you don't have any pupils and there's blood coming out of your ears. Is that what, does that explain it? You know, I thought that was normal. I thought that was the vegan lifestyle finally doing you in. I don't know what it is, but I played this game and I did look in Angela's eyes.

Did you? I did. That was the first mistake. I did, but I feel fine enough enough okay enough maybe you're immune i could be i could be that lonely i guess if you haven't sent it to your friend group yet true true maybe that's when it all i haven't heard from any of them they're probably all the dead ones they probably you probably just murdered angela got them all god jesus wait is that why i can see like simon in the eyeballs of that cat oh my god it's like it like takes their

souls into her eyeballs like sucks their souls this is a great game this is a great screenplay yeah everybody already downloaded it and then we get to this part and they're like oh they're gonna send us a bunch of valentines and we're gonna get murdered and honestly you deserve it they're gonna send us like bills for funerals at this rate okay so i'm gonna like completely change up the situation here because i'm over it this was i'll bring it right back i know that's the worst part this is from becca who sent a valentine's day treat, this is basically a Facebook post that essentially, it's sort of a review in that a mom is explaining and sort of reviewing this product on her Facebook timeline, and it kind of went a little viral. So this is a post by Abby Bush

on Facebook. I'm just going to read it before I read you the actual product. I can't stop laughing. I'm about to go out of town for a few days, and I was just trying to make sure I had everything prepared to leave behind for Valentine's Day. Stuff for the kids, all their class valentines labeled, etc. Last week I found some on Amazon that came with little plastic animals. Showed the valentines to Ella, and she loved them. I ordered, they they came she put them together done i admittedly never sat down to read the captions until now they are creepy and make

no sense she's already labeled the backs and is so excited and made sure each classmate got the right animal keep in mind these are going out to a bunch of kindergartners oh no this is sort of like a cry for help like now what do i do it was posted february 12th of 2020 so if you don't read them but can you see the animals that are like yes plastic animals kind of zip tied to each other i was wondering what that was it ties not collars or something yeah um so i'm gonna read you just a couple of my favorites so here's the first one it's a zebra see you appear feel the whole body is overpowered stop someone's gonna get arrested because children are gonna be bringing these home

it's like halloween when people check blades, but instead it's like perverted animal found kindergartners. Let me go through your Valentines, honey. Make sure there are no... Make sure there's no peanuts. I know you're allergic. I was going to say predators giving you Valentines, but yep. No predators, no peanuts.

You're good to go. Enjoy. This one's for the hippo. I like you and I like the one who likes you okay okay do these have anything to do with the animals no it seems uh sort of like you can pick which animal goes with which oh you can zip tie whichever animal you want to the greeting I was wondering what hippos had to do with that not much this is an elephant no matter how many turns you take

you will always be my belief what? here's one of my personal favorites it seems to be a chipmunk you sweep the house for me. I sweep the world for you. Okay, these are not real.

I'm pretty sure these are like poorly translated. Poorly translated. Okay. At first I was like, this is alarming. But they make them so much creepier. Now it's, yes. Now it's just. Here's the line.

I don't know. You are my life. Protecting you is my nature nature that one makes a little more sense at least it does and it's a lion but you should not be giving that to a small child no probably not um here's a gorilla let's get together while we are young oh no no that is the worst one oh no uh let's see okay now this is the last one this is a moose because you make me ripple of love oh no the end um and then the other one that's actually my favorite that most people are like actually relate to this is how i want to accompany you through the crowds i was like that's actually

a nice mouth actually kind of sweet but the other ones are pretty uncomfortable so um not sure what ended up happening made me ripple uh yeah that's one word for it so thank you becca thank you to um poor abby who had to i guess cross her fingers that the police wouldn't show up yeah what do you do i don't know i guess i would take the animals off and like tie them to other cards yeah i think you have to just say oh these aren't the right car i don't know just give them zip tied animals give them the animals yeah yeah all right your turn jesus okay this one's titled, This Game is Evil. One star. First of all, the word hot is not good for kids.

Well, not how they used it. And second of all, there is a man in their eyes, a window, and a desk, too. Scary. Do not download. This is not a scam. The game is. It's even on the news. End of review.

It's on the news? I tried to search. I knew tried to search and that's kind of what led me to this because i thought you know what i'm gonna look into this i couldn't find anything which is why and i wanted to bring that up last time but i realized i hadn't read this review yet like i did search for this to see if this was something going around were they all written on the same day no no what it's like months like a few months time what the hell and that's why i'm like so unsure about it because i don't know what started this onslaught of creepy reviews because but there were positive ones too uh but i just looked at the creepy ones but yeah i went through

three pages these are all i know the sound makes me sound super lazy i literally the first three pages of reviews i screenshot because I was like this is too good they're all that weird like that is disturbing yes I'm reading the ones that were all one after another and they're like over a few months I don't like this

and I don't like that there's a desk and a window because that just feels like it's growing the scene is expanding. So here's another one titled. Hello, I have to say about this game, by the way, do not get this app. One star. I was little. I loved the game, but it said you look so hot.

I did not know what that means, but now I'm big. I was play. I said it. It said you look so hot I did not know what that means but now I'm big I was play I said it it said you're so hot you can't say that in a kid game so I put it off I did but for you to know it is a man in the eye it is so do not have your kid to get this you can't have a kid put the age and talk it a man I saw it it gives you a toy it looks cute but it not it says it will kill you don't get the app that's in our what the hell i don't know i need you to show me this app again that's why i'm so can i look in the eyes christina look in the eyes look with your special eyes into angela's special eyes and tell me what you see i'm just kidding i know you're kidding because i christina i tapped that thing a thousand

times staring deep into angela's soul trying to get this man wonder your ears are bleeding yeah i how do i make it say a message just this heart what do you mean like those cards oh there it is yeah it's you'll learn you'll pick it up pretty quick i like that you can change the message so you could send someone one for example that said he he i don't like you and then say it wasn't me we've got our post on instagram for wednesday oh true ew i really don't like the one where her butt is sticking out like this that's the one we're gonna use great this is really so you click through these messages right like these cards that they make yeah i clicked through i spent way too much time on this none of this ew every girl likes

to cuddle okay that's a good one definitely not that's a good one that's one of my faves um i sent my friend uh one that's the forever alone one did you see that i sent that around yeah let me just get our post ready what was it uh he he i don't like you perfect share see share two photos okay you've got our social media man we're so good we're gonna curse every one of our followers that's's okay. Okay. Your turn. Great. So this is another commonsensemedia.org. This is a review of Valentine's Day by an 11-year-old. Okay movie with a little positive message.

It's a three-star review. An okay movie, but I prefer the original of many stories in a rom-com british film love actually besides jessica alba didn't look like the main character in the movie she was in the movie for about six scenes and that was it however there were good advices from our favorite mexican-american married man george lopez i don't know about you I know there's a lot of favorite, what is it? Mexican-American married men. Yeah. I know there are a lot to choose from, but our collective favorite is George Lopez. Here's the quote.

That's easy. I've married my best friend, he said in the film, and he's right. Reed and Julia were seen kissing, have confirmed of their love of each other, though my mind is still filled with awkward scenes from this movie, like Felicia's, Taylor Swift's, foolish ways of dancing. I think it would be better if she sticks to being a singer only. Kelvin and Kara's love at first sight on each other. That it i recommend this movie to be watched with parents kids btw don't have sex before you're married because it's a sin against love love matters people's feelings not desires signed tq that got preachy well i did not want to have an 11 year old preach to me like that today. You didn't?

You think that my stuff is worse than that? Yes. No, it's not. An 11 year old just told me to not have sex before marriage because it goes against love. Only because it knows that you're looking at that cat's eyeballs and it knows they know something's wrong with you. It knows the posters on my wall of Angela that I put up. Stop! Now that implies I have a plan. Your mind is filled with the awkward scenes of Angela. wrong with you the posters on my wall of angela that i put up stop that now that would that

implies your mind is filled with the awkward scenes of angela and then uh angela often does wink at me though oh god we wink at each other i saw what you didn't see that angela she says he he i don't like you do you hear those footsteps in the hallway coming your way well speaking of angela let's get back into love speaking of angela here we go i hate this i don't understand it's a one-star review title this is not a good app for kids yeah i figured that out pretty quickly how they kiss is inappropriate and the music is barf emoji and the photos i can see something in angela eyes

why are you shocked i don't know but i just spit my banana milkshake everywhere i don't know why it shocks me that every time it shocks me the photos i can see something in angela eyes and how she cheated on tom is wrong for kids and in one of the photos you can see it looks like angela is using tom for his money end of review what in the what in the world a venn diagram and i know we've brought up venn diagrams recently of kids who write these reviews and kids who write common sense media reviews complete circle it's one big circle there's also a venn diagram of kids who write these reviews and should probably be in child therapy and that's also one big circle there's also a venn diagram of kids who write these reviews and should probably be in child therapy and that's also a big circle because to look at an app about

with cats in it and say wow he's using her for his for she's using him for his money i i'm think i'm wondering if the cheating one is the one we're gonna post the one where she's kissing that like small child that kitten um oh my god i don't really know though i i don't know what else it would be and then the using for money thing i don't i don't remember there's nothing i've seen that looks as though uh oh it's probably this one where it says all i want is you and it's her getting really excited and tom is behind he's holding shopping bags or presents yeah presents and shopping bags and her purse wow what a user am i right oh wait maybe this is the one the forever alone one where he's thinking about a heart and it's in the heart is angela and a dog oh no oh no um we're not gonna

post all of these uh in fact we are just gonna post one because i'm i'm sorry i came across one that just you are so hot that should not be okay that one's a little inappropriate that one's inappropriate for adults also yes agreed okay so anyway get the app yourself if you dare is that all of them um yeah i think oh no get the app if you dare so we don't have to post all these and you can look at them yourself uh but i do have one more this is the last one don't worry one star you just said that was all of them now you know i think you meant all of the photos no no yeah no not all right one more last one i swear this game is so inappropriate for kids one star why should people or kids be watching cats

kissing it's really inappropriate for children and you should probably not ever play it do not download it unless you are old enough do not download it if you're 10 and below it's really inappropriate and i'm way below 10 not really so just don't download this game it's kind of inappropriate for kids i don't really know if kids will really be watching people kiss okay but do not download this game end of review can you imagine if you were like oh my i like sometimes check my kids phones just to make sure like everything's and then you see that like what do you even like say like is this good is this bad i'm gonna get you an english tutor oh that fair. You need to learn how to use punctuation.

It's the array. It sounds like common sense media of like Olaf. I don't know. Let's not go there. I guess. Okay. Here's my request. If you do download this app, I'm not telling you to, I will not be held accountable for any murders that take place.

If you do download this app, please can somebody tell me why on earth there are these pictures in people's eyes or cats? Yeah, that's a good, I haven't seen a single one no i maybe we didn't look close enough but i'm afraid i look pretty damn close oh yeah stop it i mean there's no man in his eyes like i don't understand angela's eyes oh i think someone said in the photos so but like where are the photos aren't they yeah these are the photos what about on in the app store but like where are the photos aren't they yeah these are the photos what about on in the app store where they have those screen grabs maybe i don't know what is this thing called tom's love letters or something oh sure i christina i don't know no i'm just like

there are only a few in there i don't see them i don't. Okay, well if somebody can figure that out, I will be really pleased. It says 20,000 ratings. Yes. This is not good for me and my psyche. No. They're a lot. I have one more for you. It's a five star. This was sent in by Brooke. It's a review of a teddy, like

a lingerie bodysuit from Amazon. Wonderful. Number one bestseller. This is a five-star review by Amazon customer. Title is, My wife wore it for the man she was cheating with. He seemed to like it. Color, red with snap crotch.

Nice. It appears this item was purchased either just before or just after my wife and her new man declared their relationship to the people on Facebook. I can only assume the introduction of this snap crotch teddy helped them to move forward. Any piece of clothing with that kind of power is worth purchasing. Five people found this helpful. Verified purchase. So this guy went in his Amazon account.

Oh my God. And went, wow, my wife bought this and pretty much around the same week that she and that cat hooked up. That cat. Oh, no. No, the dog. The dog. That's right. This is Tom.

Oh, that's when the man with the knife appeared in his eyes. Oh, my God. It all began with some lingerie. This is a movie. This really isn't for kids. This is a movie that we can write. I saw some reviews on Conference Sense Media really is very sick sick sick sick sick sick we could just not release this episode and come up with an excuse like oh really busy and write this movie instead because i'm afraid

people are going to take this idea from us yeah if we release this guess what what this was the movie this is a screenplay it's been the movie the whole time it's been the movie the whole time oh my god i'd say it ain't so do you hear those footsteps in the hall unfortunately uh it's my time has come i spent too much time lusting over angela stop it oh no my punishment the is not. You really should be punished. End me, Angela. I think someone's going to end you. Anyway, thanks for listening to our Valentine's Day special. I hope it was romantic.

It was special. It was special. Well, give us that. In the worst way possible. That's what we do here. That's what we do. We're going to do a bonus episode for Patreon. Yes.

I guess more Valentines. I don't know.'ll see we'll see something fun we'll we'll get it out to you before the end of the month yes a february bonus episode for patreon um we did it between you and us for this month so wait a minute for next week yes and otherwise check us out at beach to sandy oh yeah we never talk about yeah and check out check out angela cheating on Tom. It's really saucy. It's really saucy.

Check it out on our Instagram. Yeah. And yeah, now that we're together, too, we're going to probably be releasing a lot more different kinds of content, including TikTok. We've released a couple of things, but now that we're together, it's going to be a lot easier to actually film things together. Yes. Unfortunately.

Yes. So unfortunately for you all, especially. So, yeah. going to be a lot easier to actually film things together yes unfortunately yes so unfortunately for you all especially so yeah just check us out everywhere we're going to be hopefully more active and have lots of fun stuff coming up for you all right we'll see you next week bye happy valentine's Bye.