Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 120: Bagel Shops in New York, New York

Episode Date: March 17, 2021

To anyone who wants to buy the rights to Boris' Yelp account for their dissertation, please get in touch. Oh and FBI, you're welcome for finding the Zodiac Killer. Alex will accept his medal now. Check out our new poster! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy! Follow us on TikTok! tiktok.com/@beachtoosandy Subscribe to Christine's YouTube channel to watch her read creepy stories! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCb-gAs8Evw3ht70wTk1TiMA Listen to Alex's newest podcast, Human Seeking Human: https://linktr.ee/humanseekingpod Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connects ontario.ca please play responsibly whoa what are you listening to this for wait who's talking you know you're driving a 2024 ford escape with available alexa built in so you can change the music oh yeah alexa change station to 99.2urchase a 2024 Escape ST line all-wheel drive with Tech Pack at 3.49% APR for 72 months with down payment. That's just $267 bi-weekly. Cash value of $40,294. Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think.

Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello and welcome to episode 120 of Beach to Sandy Water to Wet podcast where we read the worst reviews and the most romantic fashion. My name is Alex. I am Christine. Welcome to our bagel episode. It's been a long time coming. I know. I feel like this is something we should have done a while ago. Yeah, that's what a long time coming means. That was for people like me who just didn't process what he said or just don't like listening to you. Yeah, I love that backtrack. Thank you. Yeah, I'm cranky and it's because I'm just hungry for bagels. That's all i'm

it made me really hungry and upset and i start am ready to go i tried to search our inbox for bagels in new york and all i found were a bunch of people suggesting we do bagels in new york okay okay but no no actual like no at least that i could find now y'all aren't helpful you just you're just needy you want you want something from us but you won't help us he's now who's in a bad mood he's trying to match your energy i thought you've done this before and i told you one of us needs to be on the other side of the seesaw oh remember when we had a seesaw yeah actually yeah actually, yeah, we did have a seesaw, didn't we? That was pretty weird. Where did that come from?

I think it was just there when we moved in. It was very large and like splintery. Yeah, it was quite the seesaw. It was like a handmade wooden seesaw in the backyard. It was very long. It was very... Kind of scared me. Yeah, I'm pretty sure we like injured ourselves repeatedly on that.

Yeah, I've fallen off of it. On that note, how many reviews do you have? I think like eight. Okay, you go first then. Went a little crazy. So the first person I reached out to, the only person I reached out to, is DMEDS, aka Danielle, my Twitch moderator extraordinaire. And I said, hey, as a New Yorker, what's your favorite bagel place?

And of course, she said the best one, Panera Bread. Excuse me. So here I'm going to start off with a five-star review of Panera Bread in New York. Okay. I'm sorry. I have to say this because I was just listening. Sometimes before we record, I listen to true crime podcasts and it puts me in a crummy mood, but I was already in a crummy mood. So I listened to My Brother, My Brother, Me, me my favorite comedy show and they were talking about panera and then one of them said bad boy justin said bad boy of podcasting and then griffin said denouement in the same sentence that's kind of okay so now it's the three in a row i can't ignore it any longer they're trying to take our mantle yeah they already weighed above us i was gonna say what they're

reaching back down to steal our miniature loser mantle that we've been carrying they're like they're they've gotten too far up in the world yeah we've gotten like one step up on the seesaw and they're pushing us back down so anyway i don't think you know how the seesaw works did i or did i not just explain to you how many times I injured myself on the seesaw? Okay, your turn. Yeah, it still has been. This is a five-star review of Panera Bread. Panera Bread is my new home for delicious and affordable food.

Breakfast. I always get one of their delicious bagels, especially pumpkin pie bagel, and muffins, especially pumpkin, orange, and muffins especially pumpkin orange and cranberry oh no lunch i did try the other soups but the chicken noodle soup with baguette is still my favorite during lunch time the lines are enormous and wrapping around the front door but at least it moves unlike other places end of review it's truly the best bagel place in new york why is it a five why do we start with a five star because it's it's danielle's favorite i place in New York. Why is it a five? Why do we start with a five star? Because it's Danielle's favorite. I see. And there were no negatives of a Panera bagel.

Good to know. No, because I wanted to lift up the real New York bagel place. Oh, I see. We wanted to give props where props are due. Because I felt like it was the one that's really... And that's how she described it to me. She said, truly the place that's the quintessential New York york bagel i know a lot of you probably haven't heard of it we did a show in new york at spotify actually and that is where we became acquainted with uh local delicacy of new york bagels now do you think d meds is somewhere saying oh i'm glad

xandy's uh telling this funny joke that i that i came up with or do you think d-meds is somewhere ripping her hair out and saying why is he doing this certainly the latter well not why she knows she knows that i'm doing this just to be mean um but was she part of this fun joke or like no she has no idea i'm doing this got it so you didn't reach out and no no i did reach out she told me a legitimate bagel place i see so she wasn't the perpetrator of this joke that's all on you no i just wanted to make the new yorkers like cringe and hate hate her for a hot minute it's fine that's really good yeah that's but i'll read reviews of her actual favorite after you go don't worry well i have a review of a less authentic place called Brooklyn Bagel and Coffee Company.

This is a one-star review by Jean, and this is from July of 2020. Rude service by the self-claim owner in the store. Yes, I'm Chelsea. Nope, that's not what it says. Yes, in Chelsea. Ever heard of me? That's a place in New York. Yes, in Chelsea, in Manhattan. He was so nasty to all

customers on this day, July 7th, when I was there to pick up breakfast. I got to the counter and he shouted, move over. Then another customer came behind me and he said a rude thing to him as well. I had to speak up and put the in his place. All employers were shocked by his attitude. I guess he treats them bad as well in their job like they were his slaves. All employers were shocked by his attitude. I guess he treats them bad as well in their job like they were his slaves. Totally unprofessional. Will never return to that store. I will tell everyone I know to don't give him bussiness. He screamed and he said he was going to throw me out the store with the cops. I said, go ahead. I just spend my money here. Just do it. I wanted to throw the hot coffee in his face. Stay away. The so-called boss is the biggest jerk ever.

His ID number from my receipt is 623-6772. And trust me, the CEO from Brooklyn Bagel will get this message. Jerk. Now there's a response. Please tell me there's a response. Thank God. You're right, Jean. Sometimes we need to get tough, or to use your word nasty with people when they

enter our stores without masks which new york state has essentially ordered us to do that's what you observed but for some reason you decided to interfere with our staff instead of thanking us for keeping you safe you yelled obscenities at our assistant manager we're glad that you're taking your business elsewhere please don't ever come back. End of response. Yes. My God. I will say this business owner definitely had a slight inappropriate streak in responding to some reviews where someone's made a pretty legitimately, you know, respectful review saying, you know, the sandwiches are good, but they use some sort of fake cheese. And the owner responded, you're fake. And then that was it. Okay. but they used some sort of fake cheese and the owner responded you're fake and then um jesus

okay so i think this is one of the more eloquent you know responses i mean very new york you know yeah like that's kind of what they're supposedly like anyways just to be they're just kind of i don't know they're defending their bussiness gotta defend your however they they see fit and sometimes it means being mean yeah well i'll read a review of deed's actual favorite this is tompkins square bagels her other favorite closed down i don't think she told me the name of it but this is her new favorite is tompkins current favorite tompkins square bagels this is a one-star review. Caution. The bagels are round, not square as the name would suggest. End of review. What? Tompkins Square Bagels. Oh my god. That took me a minute. Yeah, I could tell. I see. Oh my god, that's so dumb. I know all of you were thinking it, that Tompkins must sell

square bagels. We were all thinking it. We were all thinking Tompkins must not sell authentic bagels because we already covered Panera, which also apparently is famous for their French toast bagels on top of their pumpkin spice bagels interesting really authentic flavors i would say um love it okay well i'm still here at brooklyn bagel this is a one-star review by lucas their buttermilk pancakes taste awful i haven't tried anything else at this bagel place however since i judge food based on their pancakes i am not coming back here the coffee is bad too i can't believe this place got four stars end of review since i judge food based on their pancakes i am not coming back here the coffee is bad too i can't believe this place got four stars end of review since i judge food based on their pancakes yeah okay you read that

right and a new york bagel shop no offense okay so like they judge the restaurant based on how like judge the they order their pancakes they order that's pancakes and that's how they judge their food got it that's not reasonable at all bagel shop no not at many places except maybe and only IHOP yeah like that's IHOP or maybe a Denny's maybe Denny's because you know the Grand Slam or whatever like they're that's pretty they're pretty heavy on the but like you wouldn't go to waffle house would you and do that why go to a bagel place and say i want a bagel i only judge places by their bagels please get me a rye pumpernickel bagel could you imagine if they said that though they're, I only judge my bagel places based on their pumpernickel bagels. Okay, let me read another of Tompkins Square Bagels, which now we know are actually round bagels.

Here's a one-star review. Usually, I love this place. But this time, I paid $13 for my bagel with tofu and lox. And then they forgot about my order. And I was standing around like a dingus, waiting until I finally pointed out to them that I had been waiting for 10 minutes. And then, when they gave it to me, it was the smallest bagel ever. For $13, I paid for the saddest tofu cream cheese, I'm lactose intolerant, bagel. $13.

Bummer times. The lady behind the counter was nice, but that could never make up for this solidly horribly sad time. Edit. I am currently still in the store if you would like to make this up to me. End of review. What? They literally wrote this review hoping they would notice while they were in the store so that they would respond and say oh come on back we'll make it up to you

so they could be like i'm here that's a passive aggressive instead of going up to the counter and saying hey i'm not pleased with the service they posted it on the internet and waited for them to respond uh-huh wow that's rough i'm in the store that's similar to last week's with the person who's in the store like with the crystal or whatever shopping online i mean come on people making a pickup order inside the store while shopping yeah um goodness that's rough times what did they say bummer times oh yeah it yeah. It's bummer times. Bummer times. I mean, I know that. They also said it's a solidly horrible sad time as well.

They were. Solidly horrible. They had. They didn't. Let's just say their time was not good. Well, it seems like they have quite a bit of time because they're sitting around writing a long Yelp review. A lot of synonyms. I was going to say that's a long review.

Just be sitting in the restaurant writing that. I do also like the idea that they think someone's back there reading the Yelp reviews as they come in. You know, they have like a social media manager on site or like a customer management waiting on Yelp reviews. It's not really the most effective way to go about this. Like you said, just walk up. Just say something. Or just pull a me and don't say anything and just eat your bagel and say, next time I'll go somewhere else. That's funny because on our way home from driving from LA to Cincinnati, we stopped at a Wendy's. And Wendy's, one of their salads is like a Southwest avocado salad.

And you can make it vegan by removing something. So we did that and we get in the car and it like had nothing but like lettuce and there was no avocado or like, which was a whole point. Like at least it had something. And we just sat there and mom and I were like, I guess we'll just eat it. I guess we'll just eat it. And Francisco was like eat it and Francisco was like I'll go in we're like yes you know she she ran in she asked them they the woman was like oh did I forget something I'm new like whatever here here's some avocado was super nice about it a large box of romaine I'm so sorry and like that's when you do that you get good results and people are usually very friendly if you're friendly first about it and yet i'm always too terrified not in a bagel shop okay yeah well new york new york yeah don't fuck around never mind just take take what you get and leave otherwise they throw it in the trash anyway so like yeah you're just wasting more food no i am absolutely terrified of new york which is

why i'm a little afraid that i just did that to d that whole panera thing i new york's not bad it's just oh yeah no dick and well i was just a dick i know um so that's why i'm scared new york's fault it's your own damn fault no i know so i deserve i'm scared of new york why because i've been there and it's scary i don't know scary i'm an anxious person and it made me anxious to me i like it because everyone leaves you alone. I'm anxious about the Midwest because everyone's so friendly. I couldn't walk down the street without like almost dying. People were so bad. It was the scariest thing of my life.

Were you cartwheeling? What are you doing? What are you doing to almost get killed? I just all I did was take my like my electric scooter and I was trying to ride on the sidewalk and everyone didn't like that. What are you talking about? I'm scared of scared of New York okay I had a scary experience there okay okay I love New York so great you can go move there everybody I might um because everyone's leaving probably some plate decent apartments snatch up okay this is another review of Brooklyn

Bagel and Coffee Company this is two stars by Boris and this is another review of Brooklyn Bagel and Coffee Company. This is two stars by Boris. And this is why I have a headache. Just to give you an idea. This is really what sent me over the edge today. Rain pellets the curb. Don't you forget about me. I rummage through an exotic skinned purse and retrieve three dollars. That's it.

Red-eye coffee waiting for me on the chalkboard at three dollars without sales tax a mean march poor means i need to stay with hot brew till it repents indian clerk smiles at me she is moses okay i was i almost interrupted like 10 times but that one that's too much she She was Moses. She parted something. My savior, the temptations, gospel, some revival. This is it. Red eye, please. Time slows. It's there. Three Oh five, please. Well, I have three only. I run out to realize I'm not deceiving anyone.

Raindrops motivate me inside her lair you know five cents is on me 80s music shelter and red eye okay with underlining helter skelter don't compare food with something immortal end of review um so that's two stars and that's the cause of today's migraine actually i think it's just a tension headache because i feel it right between my eyes. My whole face hurts. I don't think I've had that from a review. What was that?

I don't know. And so, of course, their name is actually Boris because I thought that actually fit pretty well. I wanted to give you a full idea of this person's aesthetic. So I went to Boris's profile and the first five reviews were simply normal reviews that said things like, love their chicken teriyaki, pretty busy on a Friday night, decent prices, four stars. And I thought I must be missing something. So I started scrolling. And then when I got to page two, once again, I saw crawling a lot. And I was like, okay, okay well apparently this is a phase that

he goes through every now and then it's probably like someone who's like how do i spice up my reviews let me get noticed by the yelp i want to get famous on yelp um yeah i wonder if it worked for fox so it worked for fox in the realm of our podcast i guess he gets invited to cool yelp parties yeah so i guess if that's what you're going for um yeah it's it reminded me of like somebody trying to do i'm trying to do um like smash poetry or slam poetry or like um smash poetry yeah did i say smash poetry i mean i didn't want you man i just didn't want you to just edit, be able to edit that out. So I said it again. I was going to edit, I said it just like I. I could tell. You're an asshole.

I know. So you'd probably fit right in in New York, Jordan. So yeah, slam poetry, but there's another word for it that I'm trying to think of. Smash Mouth? I don't know. I'm trying to. Yes, Christina. Okay. So they're trying to get, they're auditioning for Smash Mouth via Yelp, which is probably the only way that Smash Mouth via Yelp, which is probably the solid way to do it. That's probably the only way that Smash Mouth would really find you. Yeah, they need a new lyricist, so you're going to go through Yelp. Yeah, I wonder if they do go to these events, if other reviewers come up to them and say, are you Boris?

I loved your review of Brooklyn Bagel and Coffee. I loved your review of Brooklyn Bagel and Coffee. I mean, the way I love the way that you use such profound meaning, put such profound meaning into your reviews. Yeah, it's some spoken word, but not really spoken because it's just written on the Internet. But, you know, same idea. Really powerful stuff. Yes. Well, maybe maybe at the events they're encouraged to read their own reviews aloud so that could be it that's it it's in turn it's part of that he wants to make

sure he's prepared to get some applause don't blame him yeah so there were about it was really strange because half the reviews were pretty damn boring and standard and then half the reviews were wildly eccentric and barely able to comprehend what they meant if at all i mean i'm reading this again i'm like so what happened i don't know it was raining is about all i could gather and they like were five cents short so did the so did the person not cover the five cents and that's like why it's a two star like it's they made it sound like they were their savior so i assume that they did cover the five you know five cents is on me which yeah that seems like this moses character really deserves some redemption so why would be a two star exactly uh helter skelter got involved yeah okay that kind of alarmed me i guess all we can take away from this is don't compare food with something immortal.

That's it. That's the thing. That's the message. You know what? Believe it or not, I wasn't planning on doing that, but I'll just keep that in mind just in case. It's Tim's 60th anniversary and Roll Up to Win is back. Win big with a daily $10,000 jackpot sponsored by Tim's Financial.

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I just looked over at our Zoom session and I see the wrinkles between my eyebrows that I didn't even notice were there. And I'm now understanding how this headache has just persisted all day. I don't even realize I'm making such a crumpled face. I was going to mention your crumpled face, but I chose not to. I didn't want to make you nervous. Do you think that Boris actually has an exotic skinned purse with only $3 in it?

That too. What a strange... He has an exotic skinned purse, which like, yikes. And second of all, he has $3 in it. What is going on with this person like is it just are they just trying to say like it's such an expensive purse and yet only three dollars remains maybe you should not even enough for a red eye i need my savior moses of the scripture and then two stars what uh yeah oh and the rain on the pavement or whatever jesus christ i thought it was like song

lyrics that they were like like mimicking or whatever like what was the second line yeah don't you forget about me which is why i thought oh we're going with no we're not going with a theme we suddenly went to old testament i like i'm really confused you know i i always wondered when people write dissertations um trust me i know where i'm going with this sort of but i always wondered when people write dissertations like because me, I know where I'm going with this sort of, but I always wondered when people write dissertations, like, because everyone has to have, at least mom told me, everyone has to have like a unique thesis for their dissertation. And I always used to just get really anxious, being anxious, thinking like, what about when they run out of PhD thesis ideas or dissertation ideas? Just like sometimes I think, what about when

they run out of melodies for songs? I think about this a lot. So I just came up with a new thesis. If anyone needs a dissertation idea, I think Boris is the ultimate, like who wants this? I'm selling it. Yeah, true, true, true. I bet. Yeah. I bet you could write. Yeah, absolutely. You could write your dissertation about Boris. Like if you're studying literature, poetry, you know, mom wrote her dissertation dissertation about poetry it's like the same thing no it's really similar I mean about like hers was specifically about German Jewish exile writers you know like World War II yeah Holocaust and stuff so when I would take that and then I would think right but what about Boris like I think Boris is pretty much on the same level yeah mom

could probably be the mentor. What's the word? You know, the person who. Like the advisor. The advisor who helps you write. Yeah. Because, you know, poetry is poetry is poetry. It's all the same.

Especially smash poetry. Yeah. Sounds like a Boris quote. Impressive. Anyway, your turn. Okay. Let's move on to Murray's Bagels. great oh i saw that please this is a one star review by sarah you charge way too much money to be serving cold soup i just bought a soup from

here at first they said they were serving clam chowder cold i was thinking well maybe it's a gazpacho but a cold clam chowder okay you got me i thought to myself my favorite yes i'll take a seven dollar bowl then they told me sorry it's cream of corn so i thought why not try it. Until they changed the soup one last time and got on my last nerve. They served me cold cream of broccoli. And all caps, seven exclamation points. Like this is, I'm trying to match this energy. Like this is very upsetting. Oh no, the energy is coming through.

I wouldn't worry about it. Okay, good. Oh no, the energy is coming through. I wouldn't worry about it. Okay, good. Murray's, I'm very disappointed and would rather go to my local deli because unfortunately, this isn't the first time I'm very disappointed.

Zero stars for this BS. End of review. Wow. You know what? It's the same thing with that fucking pancake person what you have a bad experience about the soup and you're like i'd rather go to my deli it's like why don't you go to your deli for your soup to begin with why don't you go to bagels confused go to panera they have soup for days they have everything just creamy soup just eat it there out of a bread bowl and you'll be fine yeah so true going to order

pancakes and soup at a bagel shop but specifically clam chowder oh i mean i get it's like new york like they probably have decent that's i guess where you would eat it i mean being in ohio slash kentucky it's like that sounds repulsive from a shop here but i guess it's on the yeah it makes more sense out there for sure yes but also i i but i do understand i would be slightly concerned if they switched the type of suit three times and then we're like so you're clear clearly yeah not sure what they were serving i think i'd be yeah but i don't think it warrants like a full-on meltdown of epic proportions um also we never got back to the the fact that the soup was cold which seems to be yeah we did we did serve me christina sorry i got lost in the yelling i think

i got just completely no of course i was absolutely yelling so sorry uh so it says they changed the soup one last time got on my last nerve they served me cold cream of broccoli that's right cold so it was cold so yeah i'm not saying that you want this kind of experience but oh my god the energy was just like i imagine if this person did try they would have mentioned in the review hey they wouldn't give me a refund they like told me off or whatever like i understand when they say oh i told them they gave me the wrong order and they screamed at me like, sure, that would probably ruin my life and I'd leave the city forever and never come back

because that's just how I would react. But that's also why I don't go, I don't even bother to go ask for something different. But yeah, I mean, in most food establishments, if you're like, can you heat this up? It's really just toss it in the microwave. It's not like, I mean, if you went up and said, where's the clams? Like microwave it's not it's not like i mean if you went up and said where's the clams like that might be a problem because i don't know if they can fix

that part for you but um the cold thing i think where's the clams murray i know you're hiding those you're holding out on all those cold clams back there okay that's really actually repulsed now i think one of the reasons i was really mad is because usually when we do these i just get kind of hungry and then i'm like oh now i'm excited to make some dinner later but while i was reading this i was getting hungry and then i started to uh encounter things like cold clams chowder and like look at this here's a photo of a hair on my and i started to get like really really grossed out and i it's almost angrier that they ruined my insatiable hunger for me i like i'm not lying and this isn't part of the whole joke i did the best looking

photos that i saw were from the panera and i think only because sorry sorry the other the bagel places they're mostly complaints that i saw right because like if you're going to your local bagel shop or your bodega and you go there every morning before work you're not going to be posting photos of it on yelp to come like you know exactly more like touristy kind of thing my daily bagel is but for some reason that panera person did like it's there it's like a panera yet they they post like four photos there's always a special and i ended it out there i appreciate it i'm glad when people do that they also put filters on them too i'm just gonna say that i liked it i was impressed oh boy they're elite 2021 okay well now we're talking no wonder they probably post photos of literally everything they do uh and see so this is a review of a place called cosser's bagels i hope i'm pronouncing that

right and no it's not kosher so don't even ask me about that it's cosser so this is a one-star review by mike this is stupid i don't know why. It just made me laugh. Don't like posting or having a negative thing to say as the season is passing by. I feel like costars since the selling has gone way downhill and I was one of the people who didn't appreciate what we had while it was here. Long, this is one sentence. Long gone are the days of fresh quality bagels. Long gone are the management who cares about the neighborhood, their customers. Long gone are the counter people who knew your name, what you ordered, and friendly chit chat. There's no smile at all.

There is messing up your order, acting like you ordered wrong attitudes. I want to say sorry to the old crew. David, Leah, Al, who never wore pants. Derry, especially you, Derry. We took you for granted. End of review. That was one sentence. Oh my, this is going to sound weird.

It started out like I felt like very, I felt like Abraham Lincoln was giving a speech. Gone are the days where the management cared for their people. You know what's funny is that the first review I read kind of gave me that vibe. The one who was yelling about the jerk and bossiness. But she wrote like, on this day, July the 7th. I was like, this sounds like a Gettysburg address. And then they didn't spell anything right.

So you had to say bussy, bussiness and stuff. So you're like, I don't know. But you know, back in the day when they wrote in those old cursive-y handwritings, sometimes you really don't know what they're trying to write. True, true. That must have been it. They must have written it that way. On papyrus first. On on papyrus then taking a photo

typed it out and messed up yeah they used a quill yeah yeah they did and then there's that feature on google translate where you could take a picture and it translates your handwriting yeah that's that's all that's what most typos are i learned so anyway i just like there was this long dramatic thing and then it was uh al who never wore pants just really really was something that you know i guess i can understand mike why you wouldn't realize that you were taking someone for granted if they're not wearing pants and serving you bagels it's like when when when andy in the office says you don't't know you're in the good old days until they're gone or something, like near the end of the series. That's how that feels, this review feels, except at the same time, it's like, for some reason, the good old days include an employee not wearing pants.

Yeah, the good old days sound mediocre. Yeah, it doesn't sound that great. No offense to Derry. I bet Derry's fantastic. But at the same time time like i love how they also knew like six different people that worked at the old place yeah so it's very personal so like i bet like for them but then to like reject the new people because they're not the people they knew i mean i don't know especially because now they wear pants well that's the problem right like remember when i was talking last week about how they were doing cancel culture on shop cats well now everyone has to wear pants. I mean, what is this world coming to? It's like, you know, one person shows too much cheek and suddenly we all have to put pants on. goes around saying no pants no service meaning or wait pants no service it means if you're wearing pants you cannot serve me you're only allowed to serve me that's right that was actually the original saying but people got confused with yeah because they would say no pants

you know what you tried let's cut that out what it's worth, I understood where you were going. I had a feeling you would. Let's you go now. Okay, let's go back to Murray. See what Murray's up to. Murray's Bagels again. This is a one star review by Malcolm. If your favorite bagel is so dense,

you worry about your perfectly health teeth. This might be the place for you. Provided you also like paying through the nose for staff to treat you like a parasite, sucking the life out of them. Several customers left without finishing their orders in the short time I was there, and at least one other was visibly very disturbed by the service. I love good bagels and walk miles to get to the best shops, but this is unfortunately one to leave off the list in the future.

End of review. Man, I don't know why- Why do they seem fucking dramatic? This is nuts. Yeah, this person sounds like a serial killer to me. Like it sounds like a letter you would write to the newspaper, like the Zodiac, and say, I'm a parasite. Well, it's interesting to say that because it actually was originally in code and I had to decode it. Oh, you had to decode it.

Yeah. Oh, okay. And thank God they just cracked the Zodiac cipher because it was the same cipher. The FBI keeps calling. I understand now because you keep interfering with the investigation by trying to insert google reviews okay i see um you keep calling saying i know who the zodiac is he's this user on google who writes really shitty reviews wow that's incredible though that you're able to decode that also at this time i do want to make a reference to something that

d said after i said these new y Yorkers are wild with their reviews. She said, we're very tightly wound, have strong opinions, and bagels are a touchy subject. Yeah, I would imagine. Which it makes it so much worse that I did that whole Panera thing at the beginning. But that's okay. But everyone knows. If you were like, oh, I actually know the best bagel place, and it was somewhere really random and touristy. Well, I'm not apologizing.

I don't regret anything. It sounds pretty much like you regret it all and you're apologizing but she holds a lot of power on my stream so that's the only thing so yeah no your relationship your friendship with her is done i'm not saying that i'm saying maybe we can salvage it with our listeners but um sorry d's no longer a fan yeah that's really horrifying and perfect health teeth sounds really upsetting a really shitty discount dental office i love how it's like just judging people specifically people who have perfectly health teeth that love these bagels but if you don't have health teeth oh if you have really unhealth teeth then you know you'll be fine oh okay well i only have one more and i

have a couple but i don't have two more so that's perfect okay i actually have a redemption after this so this is a review of new york bagels one dozen on amazon which apparently that's the second favorite oh my god that's the one that closed down when my yeah when my panera closed i started ordering them on amazon it's the only authentic bagel yeah they apparently sell bagels on amazon and i was just slightly horrified because just go to einstein if you're in like yeah i know right somewhere just go to the grocery store you know uh but so this is a review a one-star view by lee verified purchase i received my bagels covered in ants very upsetting and overview what so christina i ordered i ordered ants for my ant farm they never showed up okay remember when you did

yes i do they've never they haven't shown up after all these years they've been eating bagels they've been in the baguette uh in the freezer this whole time yeah i that it was really kind of horrified i forgot that you used to order ants on the internet i remember one time i stayed home from school uh a lot of times i stayed home from school but one time i stayed home from school and we received a package and i opened it this is all in my old live journal rice pudding nine and i opened a package uh well i don't know why because it was like probably addressed to you and it was filled with live ants and i was just horrified i just sat there like of all packages i could have opened from, you know, mysterious sources, it was literally living creatures inside a box. So, you know, just just careful what you order on the internet is what I have to say. I shouldn't have to say that. But here we are.

Well, it's careful what you order. I mean, I ordered those on purpose. Careful when you open other people's mail, which is a felony, by the way. You will be hearing from the authorities now that I have it on tape. i will be hearing from the authorities now that i have it on tape what if this what's this podcast just all a ploy to get me to finally admit well sucks for you because it's on the show before i was gonna say it's literally written in my live journal and i'm sure i've never figured out how to delete it so it's probably still there no someone's found it post on the internet oh christ pretty sure that's not good for me and my my sanity but thanks a lot all right i've got two more this first one is from baz bagel b-a-z this is a one-star review by mallory this isn't a bagel round bread with a hole yes bagel no end of review i read i think that's when i when i messaged d like y'all new yorkers i want my square bagel even though it's about bagels like literal bagels it is one of the

snobbiest reviews it doesn't work that you could even just like you just that doesn't work it doesn't work i like if i read that i'd be like cool that's exactly what i want i don't know why you graded this one star this is exactly what i'm searching for it's got to be boiled like i i don't know all this shit but like there's very specific ways to make a new york bagel but like i assume that it's in the all these new york places actually do it that way but if it doesn't taste perfect for you i don't know your h and h bagels two of them oh there's sirens oh shit they heard about the ants oh no they heard about they're coming to my house wait yeah it's all been like a sting operation where i was actually working undercover. Oh yeah. What am I in trouble for? Buying ants on the internet. How many times do I have to cover this? Nevermind. That's true.

Okay. Let's read this review of H&H bagels by Victoria. One star. They kicked us out, even though most of my friends gore bagels because one of us had outside food i am very upset i am now eating in a stairwell because they made us leave thanks a lot love you too end of review i am now living on the streets and have lost my career and my family because this bagel shop it's like i've hit a new low literally they're like oh yeah most of my friends order bagels here they said gore instead of god yeah it's one true to true to uh the original but they but not all and some brought outside food in they're like you cannot eat that here. And they were like, I'll go eat in the stairwell. Is that what you want?

Yeah. It's like, yes, actually. I just have nothing else to say except maybe take some responsibility for your own life choices, you know? Make a mission board. Manifest something. True. Well, they're not the only one that had an issue with H&H bagels. Here's another review. This is the final one I have. This is a one-star review by Miller. I don't understand where these high ratings are coming from. This place is a dump and the bagels are subpar. Maybe people like bad air conditioning, dingy looking refrigerators

stocked with God only knows how old food articles and bagels that smell of something other at their high prices you'd think they could at least clean the grime off the floor i usually don't write reviews but everything was wrong about this place even my coffee cup leaked incessantly and i needed to throw it out in exasperation. Bad food, bad ambiance, bad prices, many better and cleaner options in the neighborhood. Stay away. Better yet, just stay away from somewhere people think their fart bagels in a dirty bathroom environment taste five-star good. End of review.

taste five star good end of review oh god this it sounds okay i don't know what it sounds like except for somebody having a real bad day and needs to invest in a journal but it sounds like the description sounds to me like a low budget indie film where it's like uh there's some grime on the floor and my coffee cup is leaking like everything's so true yes yes like yeah or like a scene from better call salt this is very niche reference i'm so sorry but it's kind of that like grimy like low lighting where it's like the gritty real life um city life no glitz and glam there's uh what do they say uh god only knows food articles or something god only knows how old food articles that's really well written yeah it feels like a shitty screenplay for sure that's what i'm yeah that's

what i'm saying so that's why it's great that you brought up better call saul oh no but like if you're listening i'm sorry no no no but it's like too intense for what it is like i know you know what i mean it's like this is a breath it's a local bagel shop in new york chill the fuck out yeah yeah yeah it's like the setting for your screenplay you don't need to write like eight pages about it yes we'll get the picture so true just like tell me it's kind of grimy and i'm like oh i can definitely picture this entire place in my mind's eye you don't need to or say like oh the coffee cups are kind of leaky and i'm like good to know i'll bring some napkins yeah like you gotta you gotta show not tell you know you gotta show not tell and this was a lot of telling so thank you this is that's exactly the

issue yeah i'm so glad we got to the bottom of this um this is why we've never sold a pilot because apparently we're not experts um well oxen are idea for redemption i think you'll like this this is a review of einstein brothers bagels because i too thought what are the most authentic perfect perfect oh i'm proud of you thank you this is an einstein bagels in the airport so the ultimate oh my yes i think i've been there please i that was for my first stop oh i didn't mean paradigm i meant paragon either way parallel i don't know what you're trying to say this is the first time that we're not on the same same wavelength i think i meant a paragon of the industry a paragon of the bagel and a parallelogram that's what i just said five oh you said that oh i was not listening i know that thank you this is einstein brothers bagels what about did you mean paradigm

did i is that the first one that's the first one you use so i'm just being annoying i sat here going it that could be oh my god i think we're like we're not even listening to yourself it's why do i have to listen are you new to this no of course i'm not listening to yourself. Why do I have to listen? Are you new to this? No, of course I'm not listening to myself. I go back and edit later and go, what am I talking about? There was a sentence I said in the last episode that I had to like fully delete because the thing I said was the op. Like I said, what a shitty cashier and I met customer and it's just like neither of us even realized that I was truly saying the worst thing I could be saying. Neither of us even realized that I was truly saying the worst thing I could be saying.

Yeah. So I feel like if we ever have somebody help us edit, I'm going to have to be like, you need to understand that you cannot trust anything that even no matter how confident we sound, you probably should delete it if you have any thoughts. Any second thoughts. All right. This is an Einstein Brothers bagels in the airport. Five star review by Adam. First of all, I'm Jewish. So trust me. court five-star review by adam first of all i'm jewish so trust me when i stepped into this fine establishment my senses were hit by the sweet aroma of steaming hot bagels i ordered an everything

bagel it was like eating my soul it made me hiccup with delight like i was a dashing boy running through the woods again i say mazel tov mazel tov indeed end of review wow i've not once okay the problem is this is like the antithesis of the moses review of slam poetry yeah this is the antithesis this is that boris would not like this review no boris would say you're trying to tread on my territory and you're bringing me too far up yeah and back down i'm i'm i'm pleased though that we got that so now i feel better about going to mazel tov weird you probably did but because you know why because it sounded right to me so that's probably a sign you said it wrong yeah future editor that is a sign i don't know what i'm doing or saying a future editor you know what they can do they can like

record themselves so we'll just have a random voice like just replace like just say mazel tov correctly and it'll just like parallelic ramp um yeah i i thought this review was like exactly it's like the opposite it's more of an uplifting yes yes yes at an airport bagel shop i mean i love that yeah props hats off to you my uh yarmulke's off to you, my friend, Adam. I think that is a beautiful statement. I don't really understand eating the soul and dashing through the woods because that seems like maybe you are running from somebody. Reminds me of The Giver. I think this is a plot of The Giver. Oh, that's why it's so familiar. Yeah. Yeah. Famously Jewish.

That famous Jewish literature piece of literature is i think mom actually wrote her dissertation about that i'm pretty sure i'm sorry this is becoming so what else is new period end of end of my sentence all right well wow that was something else um i'm so glad you have the challenge today yeah you get to take a break now. This review or sorry, this challenge was from Ashley. Ashley wanted me to find a review where someone cites how long they've been doing something or going somewhere. Oh, can I say one thing? When I was researching, there was one review I found where the person I was like, this looks weird. And it wasn't like, that funny or interesting. But I was like, why does this look

so weird? And I kept catching on it, my eye kept catching on. Then I realized they were putting two to four spaces between every word, but like you couldn't, it was like almost subtle enough that you couldn't tell. But so then I was reading this and I was like, I read the whole thing. It was just very odd. And then the last sentence just said, and I've been eating bagels for over 40 years. Oh my God. This could have fit xandy's challenge so anyway i just want to throw that that into the ring if you will that fits the second part of the challenge which was bonus points if it is a weird flex i've been eating bagels depending on how long i live i will also have eaten bagels for that long so i don't yeah it

is a weird flex definitely okay so this first one i'm only i'm not going to tell you what it's of i'm just going to start by reading the oh this is fun actually we should play that more oh you'll see why well yeah that actually will be fun but here's here we go this is a one-star review on amazon of a product i have used magnets for over five years i read that and i'm like what what does that mean i've used the magnets oh my god tell me more i'm so impressed the problem is now i tell you more and then it makes more sense okay i don't want it that's why i didn't tell you anything no they're specifically like magnetic therapy spot magnets so

okay so they're talking about they're using like pain management but the first line i'm like i read that first before i knew what it was and i click i'm like yes i found like perfect thing it was the first one i found yeah that's excellent stuff and i got so excited then i was like the rest of it is garbage but i mean really though like yeah if you were writing that review you think you'd at least kind of catch yourself be like oh that's funny i said i've been using magnum nope 11 people found it helpful so i don't know oh i find it extremely helpful i don't know about you but wow that's beautiful stuff and then uh as for the rest i only have five star reviews oh okay um i'm gonna start with something that i think that you're

gonna be really excited that i'm reading a review. Great. This is of Lilo series, Sensual Massager, Purple. Oh, I thought we were going Lilo and Stitch. I was going to say that gasp. Why are we, why am I excited about this? I'm just, I was messing with you. Oh, it was like, I don't know. You get really mad whenever I read anything like this. Read any sort of, yeah.

Sorry, I got thrown by the Disney reference. I thought that's where we were headed remember my hula dance okay you can go let's not talk about that what before I read this okay idea this is a five-star review of the Lilo Siri sensual massager purple titled happy with this product it's a little embarrassing for me to comment on this device but I'll do so in the hopes it will Titled Happy with this product. this over the airwaves publicly and for the record this is not a weird flex one of those so this was that's why i'm reading it first because i think this is just yeah never mind i just wanted to make you uncomfortable okay and someone emailed us saying that they like when i read these kinds

of things yeah i bet they said that because they like to just make things really uncomfortable yep anyway my husband and i have been married for over 30 years and enjoy a very active sex life. In the past few years, however, I've had a much more difficult time achieving orgasm. That is an important part of our lovemaking to my husband, though. And there is certainly an extra level of enjoyment for me when I can climax. Wow. Wow. This is really pleasant. Christina, this is just real life.

This is biology. Without getting specific, let me just say this little device has increased my enjoyment tremendously. Both my husband and I are asking ourselves why we didn't try this sooner. It's got several different patterns of vibrations and multiple speeds on each setting. It's a nice size. The controls are easy to operate as you're holding it. No need to be looking at it when you change a setting or speed. It's comfortable to hold. The silicone tip has the right softness feel.

Being somewhat traditional about sexual things, I felt a little reluctant to try a sex toy, but I'm glad I did. Knowing I'm more likely to climax during our lovemaking makes me much more interested in intimacy and that has been a blessing in our marriage end of review alexander you just ruined any shot of intimacy they ever had because the second they find out this has been read they're gonna be so embarrassed don't worry this was five years ago they're probably divorced alexander sorry i'm just kidding they're probably happily married still i don't know why you read that because they said i've been married 30 years

oh yeah they've they've they've they've did that for they've been married they've been doing that for 30 years thanks that's and they've had a very active sex life great okay okay ready for more no but okay go ahead this five-star review is of The First Stone, a Liz Stone Mystery, Kindle edition. I have been a reader for over 50 years. They are so strange. It's like, what an odd choice to tell us. Right? A weird way to put it.

But what I'm, okay, I did think about this. And I was like, I wonder if they learn to read later in life. That would be like, I'm not, I'm okay I did think about this and I was like I wonder if they learn to read later in life that would be like I'm not yeah I'm not I'm just just going on a limb and saying that would be kind of interesting some people don't learn how to use magnets until college is something I've heard before how do they work yeah so like I my thought is it could be just like this kind of a sweet way of saying like didn't learn until I was older and or now i've been doing it and they have like a a memory of like this is when i learned to read i guess or it's like a less it's just another way to say i'm 55 yeah it's a weird flex yeah it's just like how else do you say i've been reading my whole like maybe they specifically didn't read books or

something until a certain age i don't't know. They read cereal boxes? What are you talking about? No, yeah, they could read, but they weren't a reader. I don't know. I'm just giving them the benefit of the doubt that it wasn't a weird flex, but it seems like a weird flex. It's just an interesting thing to say. I agree. I don't mean the weird, but it's just interesting.

I have been a reader for over 50 years and i have to say i was pleasantly surprised that the writing and storyline kept my attention during the entire book i'm ready for the third book in the series right now end of review oh okay good positive love it at least it was a positive thing right here is one this is of alan carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking, which is actually something I've read. It's like a way to quit smoking. It wasn't for me to quit smoking, but I did read it. I actually recommend it, even if you don't smoke. It brought me a lot of insight into what it's like to be a smoker. So anyway, five stars. Purchased and successfully quit within one month.

I bought the book and left it on the coffee table for a week or two. Picked it up after I returned from a vacation. Read most, three-fourths, but to be honest, I never finished the book. I didn't need to. I smoked my last cigarette on July 14th, 2015, and I have not looked back. I smoked for over 20 years, and now I've been free for over six months. I started smoking when I was in high school, 15 or 16, was a confirmed moderate to heavy smoker from that point forward. Half a pack to a pack plus a day. I quit once for about a year

in 2005 to 6, cold turkey. I hated it, was miserable, cried a lot and missed smoking all the time. Felt as though I was denying myself the joy and pleasure of smoking. The last six plus months have been completely different. I do not miss smoking. I feel relieved of a burden. I'm confident I will never smoke again, and I'm so grateful for that. I wanted to quit. I was ready, but I was intimidated and worried I would again miss it forever. So I just put it off over and over again. Then I remembered someone mentioning this book, and I figured for less than $15, and with the volume of positive reviews, it was worth a shot.

I think wanting to quit and being ready is an important piece of why this book worked for me. I was open to the power of suggestion, and it helped me shift my perspective on quitting from one of fear and missing out to one of joy and gratitude. My husband is still a smoker and I can't even get him to turn a few pages. So I know it's a personal decision and

one that only the smoker can make. But if you are looking for a path to become a non-smoker, I suggest you give this book a try. Good luck. End of review. Wow. 387 people found this helpful. How many? 387. Wow. really ringing endorsement yeah and alan carr had this whole like series of different books but then also seminars that he would go i mean he's he's passed away now yeah wait so now i'm like now i legitimately want to read it i'm like very curious i like i'm not so effective no i i'm not joking i would highly recommend it but yeah he wrote all sorts of different books like on alcohol and stuff. He has like so many like celebrity endorsements, too, because so many people have used it.

And it's like probably one of the most famous or if not the most famous book about quitting smoking. So, yeah, that was just like a little positive kind of experience this person had that I wanted to share. And then I've got one more for us. Okay. This is of Faye Levy's international Jewish cookbook over 250 new and traditional recipes for bagels.

I'm just kidding. I was like, Oh my God, Einstein. No, it's for holidays and every day for bagels. Here we go. This is five-star review.

I have enjoyed cooked and baked Jewish dishes for over nearly 60 years. Oh, I want to go to your house for Passover. My favorite part of that is that it says for over nearly 60 years. It's like, which one is it? Let's just call it an even 60. Call it an even 60. Originally, these originated from Eastern Europe, where my family was from, but I've appreciated the author's recipes for over 30 years. They have expanded my Jewish

culinary horizons far beyond anything I could have imagined. From China to Yemen, from France to Israel to Turkey, her recipes are easily followed and invariably delicious. Of course, I've not cooked all of them, but those that I have tried are both inspiring, not to mention easily modified or adapted to your individual tastes. Faye ranks up there with Joe Nathan as two of the best Jewish cuisiners. Cuisine, is that right? Cuisine. Cuisiners, I don't know. It's like cuisine, but it's like I-E-R-S, like cuisinier like i i have no idea lower like a sommelier i guess yeah whoops cuisiners i'm gonna say cuisiners i love cuisiners

two of the best jewish cuisiners of the past century two definite thumbs up on this a wonderful addition to the cookbook shelf end of review wow listen this is what always happens to me is i end up buying all these things that i start reading on amazon and the bagels i'm not the ant bagels i'm not interested in bagels your pass on they'll pass on that but you pass over those yeah yeah yeah i heard that coming but you know some some interesting book on you know self-help psychology, like a cookbook. I'm into this. This is the kind of shopping I'd like to do.

Yeah. I think I'm actually going to have a bagel for dinner. I have one left downstairs. Oh, nice. That's a good idea. Actually, there's some bagels downstairs I might have to try. Yeah. Yeah, they're not quite as good as Panera, but that's okay.

No, well, what is really? They're better than like most New York bagels. Better than any New York spot I've ever been to. Well, that was very well done. I feel like you covered a lot of ground there. Thank you. It was one of those where I was going through the Google results and Google asked if I was a bot because I was going through so many pages and it took so long, but it was fun. I actually really enjoyed that challenge um and yeah I a lot of because a lot of them were so boring it was like we've been my family's been going to this restaurant for over 10 years it's like I don't know I felt like I wanted to find

some at least some flexes and I needed something sexual as well just to like really keep people interested uh yeah you know sex sells you know that's what they say about podcasting yeah about audio content i mean that's why like once people saw my instagram they were like oh wow this podcast and then they it like took off because they saw what i look like yeah that's how we ended up in the new york times true they were like this is for our xxx section the one that the famous have to put behind a plastic barrier yeah the famous new york times xxx section after dark new york times after dark all right well i have a theme for next week are you ready yeah because it is currently lent and we're heading toward easter

our theme is fish fries oh no there's quite a few near me in kentucky so if you want to check out some fish fries just happy friday lent friday and lent um dad loves a good fish fry and i just went to his church yes there we go we just played table tennis at his church so that's our theme what's my challenge your challenge comes from stephanie she her and like any shiefer as everybody keeps commenting they think we're saying she for every time which i love stephanie she her and like any she for as everybody keeps commenting they think we're saying she for every time which i love stephanie pronouns she her maybe we should just just middle name pronouns last name she for um stephanie she for who and remind me if like that we did something too similar to this find a review where someone complains about the music that's playing

in an establishment that has nothing to do with the with music oh that the establishment has nothing to do yeah so we've done that i don't think we have either right no i don't think so like if you're like at a chili's or something like the music the only thing we've done even remotely similar i think is like a review of a venue that's based on the performance alone so they're like oh instead of like yeah yeah but yeah i feel like we've had reviews like this where people are like complaining like you just did that was that six flags review oh yes they were complaining shake your booty or yeah like i bet there's some really funny ones like that so i think that could be it could be good

from stephanie yeah no i'm into that okay great thank you stephanie schieffer my new cousin uh really thankful for that and if your pronouns aren't she her you're shit out of luck because we're not sorry you're not going to be our sibling um you can't join the club can't wait for next week all right well if anybody has any fish fry reviews or any musicale reviews send them on in to beachy santa gmail.com otherwise we shall see you next week talk then bye everyone