Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 122: Reviews of Churches

Episode Date: March 31, 2021

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a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello and welcome to BHG Sandy Water 2 at the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. We're reading reviews of churches today so that'll go well i think i am not sure how to feel about this confident well it's one of those things where usually when we read reviews we're kind of like supporting the people writing the reviews and i don't know you or i mean sorry oh my god no we are not i am not standing by that statement okay let me try that again normally when we read reviews we're kind of supporting the businesses that are or the employees who have to deal with those reviewers in this case a lot of the reviews

were like wacko on both sides like it was like yeah it's hard to support anyone on either side of some of these reviews i completely agree so yeah i'm definitely like i think we can do a blanket statement of like we are not like endorsing trying to help these churches with their reputations uh not at all we're not trying to hurt them either we're just trying to relay the news to you we're journalists we are journalists we are the news we we completely lack any bias no bias no bias whatsoever um straight shooters the straightest i've been told anyway should we just get into it yes uh can i go first because i I think, more than you. Go for it.

Okay. The first review I have. So I Googled. I didn't know where to begin, which happens when we don't specify a city. Where to start. Yeah. Yeah. So I Googled church reviews.

And actually, there was an article on observer.com of just a list of some churches in New York City with some fun reviews. So I picked one of those. So this is a review of St churches in New York City with some fun reviews. So I picked one of those. So this is a review of St. Barbara's Roman Catholic Church in Brooklyn. This is a three-star review by LT. LOL, it's true. The bells are annoying. Also, the old ladies here gossip a lot. And I would know because my family is very involved with this church. Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. End of review. My family gossips a lot. So I know what it's like to gossip a lot.

I know everything about you. And they gossip a lot. I do like that it's a three star. There's good and bad. The church's bells are annoying, but there's a lot of fun. Hot God. The tea is spilled every Sunday. Honestly, sums up my church experiences.

They're loud and gossipy. Sounds about right. Loud and gossipy, especially at Catholic Mass. Oh, God, yeah. And then we've got places like Hillsong, which is very in the news right now. Because I hadn't heard of it until recently. And then I've been seeing a lot about it in the news that like a lot of celebrities are a part of it. And then a lot of people are like,

why are you a part of this? And they're like, well, it's not that bad. And they're like, controversial. It's controversial. Yes.

Uh, what church isn't though? So here is a one-star review of Hillsong, San Francisco. This is by Courtney. If you don't want to know the real Jesus of the Bible, this place is right up your street and leading you straight to hell. If anyone got any sense, they will run a mile, take up their cross,

deny themselves daily, and follow Jesus. And not the wide road to destruction. End of review. Holy crap. Yeah. And this is just written on a google review just to chill it's their only review just you know hillsong san francisco they were just feeling a little passionate a year ago and decided to throw that out there these the only review of hillsong no or the only review by the reviewer by this reviewer wow they must have felt compelled

by the holy spirit because something it's because it's quite an opinionated review. Yeah. Like, you know, I can't say they're wrong. Can't say they're right. I don't know how they type with that giant cross hanging off their back. It seems like it would be really inconvenient. But, you know, what do I know? How exhausting, though, to deny yourself data.

I mean, that seems so intense. Like, sounds miserable. sounds miserable i was an extreme dieter for a long time so to me that's small potatoes but um yeah i can understand why that would be really the least appealing activity on the planet i feel like we're denied enough every day from the world so maybe maybe there's something to it amen to that i'll say yeah i'm also a prep i have my own church but we'll talk about that later you have your own oh yeah yeah yeah okay when sorry when are we giving them the pitch oh i said uh later i was thinking exactly i just want to be ready for it okay i was

thinking since we script every episode i did move it a couple pages farther into the script if you scroll down i did not see the notes oh sorry it didn't email you an update okay well i moved it a couple pages down i wanted to sound as natural as possible um so i figured once i read these reviews about scientology we can try and insert it to make it kind of seem less dramatically yeah yeah yeah because if you just give our pitch they'll be like that's crazy but then it's like a cold pitch yeah yeah juxtapose with scientology completely we seem really sane okay okay all right cut break so this is a review of scientology this is uh the church of scientology in houston texas i thought you were like just a review of science i was like is there like a religion sort of they're sort of most of the

reviews of scientology buildings are reviews of the actual religion this is a one-star review by ted this is not a church at all it's a place where you pay for the privilege of being abused slash used slash exploited okay this is one sentence so i forgot it's one long sentence so i'm gonna say it take a breath yeah try again it's a place where you pay for the privilege of being abused used exploited all in the name of l ron hubbard and his stupid self-help ideas combined with pulp science fiction elements like lord xenu taking billions of people to earth 75 million years ago and dropping them from Boeing 707s into volcanoes, then blowing up volcanoes with hydrogen bombs,

and then the souls of those dead aliens start attaching themselves to the bodies of prehistoric man, so now all that you need to do is give them all your money and time and disconnect with anyone who disagrees, and they'll show you how to get rid of all the alien souls attached to your body. Oh, and don't try to change your mind or leave. They don't like it when you do that. End of review.

That sums it up pretty well, I think. It's really spot on. When it's right there in front of you too, like that, you know? They don't like it when you share the actual tenets of the, quote unquote, religion. Yeah, this is like, if any church tries to juxtapose itself against a more seemingly insane insane idea then there's a problem going on so i want you guys to keep that in mind and when the scientists don't want them to keep that in mind i mean i don't want you to keep that in mind and when scientologists um say like oh no we don't believe in lord xenu but then like they fully do it's like why are you you know anyway they save

that information for like when you're into really deep and then they tell you about xenu do it's like why are you you know anyway they save that information for like when you're into really deep and then they tell you about xenu and it's like as if they're letting you in on like the whole big secret and by that point you're so deep into it that like what are you gonna do i mean getting out is close to impossible right like if you walked in and they were like lord xenu you have alien bodies attached to you you'd be like okay i'm well some people might not but most people would be like i'm gonna go and i feel like that's why they're gonna not like that ted wrote this yelp review but hope you're doing okay ted i changed his name for his own sake by the way for this review well yeah all the scientologists who listen to our episodes are just gonna be like trying to find ted now you never know there might be some like

spies yes and this is a perfect place for them to be they're gonna get a lot of really intelligent intel from here intelligent intel okay okay this next one i have is of Grace Cathedral in San Francisco. This is by Haley. One star. Just a concrete building. Churches should be built out of proper building materials. Stone.

End of review. Is that a haiku? It was three lines. So I read it as it was three lines so i read it really as it was presented yikes uh the um syllables were a little off since the last line was just the word stone but yes it was it's just the first draft nice and poetic about it sure we'll go with that i'm amazed because it's just so nobody can agree wow okay that's the least shocking thing I've ever said in a review about churches, but nobody can agree as far as like, people will be like,

oh, well, a church is really just anybody congregating the name of the Lord. And then they're like, how can you defame God with this stone building? Like it's, oh my God. It's like,

you can't win. That's the dumbest thing I've ever said on the show. I know. Yeah. I know. You're just preaching to the choir. But yeah, no, I told you i moved that to page five i would follow the script true oh no because we did there were plenty where it was like oh this church is too beautiful like they spend too much money on this oh my god yeah sure and it's like it's this is a sign of wasteful

spending within the church and then it's like people who are like concrete yeah on my church god does not like this concrete god only likes crystal palaces well so there was a um a church here called crossroads or there is a church and i only remember it because uh mom convinced me to do some horrible boot camp back when i was unemployed and out of college no it was actually just boot camp? No, it was actually a fitness boot camp. But it was in their parking lot because they had such a, it was a mega church, or it is a mega church, so they have such a huge parking lot that they held this freaking boot camp there. And I looked up reviews, none were that exciting,

but I looked up reviews and it was like two sides of complaints. It was like one side, you know, the parking was really bad, so then they created like a whole new paved lot, you know, the parking was really bad. So then they created like a whole new paved lot. So you're not parking on gravel. But then other people were saying they wanted 10% of everyone's income just to build this parking lot. And they were like pressuring everybody who attended to give, you know, thousands of dollars for this parking lot. So it's like, well, I don't know. I don't know which one's the right one. I don't know. That was a big theme for the megachurches I saw.

Yeah. A lot of people were saying like 50% of what they talked about was asking for money. Yeah. It seems to be a common trend. It was all about how it went right to the church and how it would help them build their buildings better and stuff. And then half the people are saying oh well these are uncomfortable chairs i'm like well okay but i try sitting you know what i'd say just sitting in a pew okay we didn't get to watch true mass on a tv okay and we didn't get to sit on a nice chair we got to sit in kneel kneel in a freaking wooden pew so well they removed the kneelers from the

chat so i was just talking to liz and Kirsten about all this, because we all, of course, went to the same Catholic school. So we have thoughts. Did you guys know that about us, that we went to Catholic school? Have we told you? Well, two of my friends who went with me, we talked about that. Apparently they removed the kneelers because they found out that you're not supposed to have the option of kneeling.

It's supposed to be either all kneel or all stand stand so they just removed all the kneelers so that everyone have to stand wait there's some rules the church or the school like the chapel not like every catholic church just it was no it's a catholic thing apparently something with the kneeler so they removed all the kneel i don't know um i've been so out of it but that's what they talked about and then liz said that she went to another church and she said there was a PowerPoint. And I'm like, what? She's like, yeah.

And she was explaining this PowerPoint. I'm like, I was pretty quick to get out of the church when I was old enough. But if they had PowerPoints and maybe a little more entertainment. Who's paying for that word art is what I want to know because I don't want to put my hard-earned cash into the paying for that custom animation but on the same toe at the same time it's it is more entertaining um then again i've never met a powerpoint i found entertaining

so i guess oh then you're looking at the what what about a uh what was that site that everyone started using i think when when i was in college pri's like that presentation prezi yep and it's like powerpoint like flies around steroids and it's actually really annoying because no one used it well as a student so it was just flying around gave you motion sickness anyway it was very dizzying if a church uses prezi i'm out so now i have another review of scientology uh this is i bet scientologists use prezzy i bet they do uh it takes a lot to explain that entire paragraph i just read to you and it's much more engaging if you see it in visual format so this is a one-star review by bill scientology destroys families and is built on lies, but they do have pretty clean bathrooms here.

End of review. See, once again, good and bad. How do you decide? He got me, and then he changed my mind right at the end. I was like, I don't know how I would feel about this, because now I'm like, yeah, maybe I should check it out. Like, is it worth selling or sold a Xenu to have a clean peeing experience maybe who's to say i can't say because i'll say but um again we have to wait till page five oh you'll say oh yeah yeah you'll say i won't

i'm not allowed you told me i'm not allowed to say because you're not okay sorry you're just a personer sorry your eminence um this is another one of Grace Cathedral in San Francisco. This is by Lenny. One star. Oh, actually, sorry. I'm going to give a little bit of context before I read this. Are you familiar with the Beyonce Mass? Beyonce Mass?

Yes. No. Beyonce Mass. So here, let me read from the website BeyonceMass.com. Shit, why didn't i think of that damn it okay a womanist worship service how black women find their voice represent the image of god and create spaces for liberation they use a music and personal life of beyonce as a tool to foster an empowering conversation about black women their their lives, their bodies, and their voices.

And it's curated by specific people. Reverend Yolanda M. Norton is the leader of it. And they go travel. I mean, not now. They're doing them all online. But one of their first ones was at the Grace Cathedral. They also did one at University of Redlands where I went to school. Oh, cool. The one at Grace Cathedral was They also did one at University of Redlands where I went to school. Oh, cool.

The one at Grace Cathedral was in 2018. So here's a review of this cathedral that did host one time Beyonce Mass. Warning. Shame on you. Beyonce Mass? Our Heavenly Father tells us not to worship idols, and that is exactly what you have done. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Church is the house of God, and you should be worshiping our heavenly father, not some satanic witch who has zero respect for Christianity. Shame on you.

To the head preacher, you are disgusting for hosting this satanic ritual. People be aware, this church is not a Christian church, but a place of satanic worship. Quote, for God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3.16 Repent and turn your back on sin and these idols. Give your life to Jesus, not Beyonce. You people are truly sick and need Jesus in your life. This woman you are worshiping is not anything but a Luciferian.

And if you follow her, you will end up straight in hell. End of review. Oh my god. This man is the prince of darkness, and you can't convince me of anything else. This man is the epitome of Satanist. This is the prince of darkness. I am so angry right now.

Turning us against Beyonce. How dare you talk about her like this. The scriptures foretold that that one day the prince of darkness would come and turn us away that's right and and you know what you know how the prince of darkness operates he pretends he's he's pretends he's he pretends he's part uh he's hold on let me say this please tell enlighten us you're doing a great job of it so far he pretends that he is your savior and then he you know does a switcheroo and uh turns it upside down okay yeah he brings you straight to hell so this person is is a false god saying oh you know what and you know how i know this is the

prince of darkness because his bible verse that he quoted is john 3 16 like the only one that the fucking devil would actually remember because it's the only one anybody ever remembers so there's no he couldn't come up with anything more you know creative like bring some revelations into it i mean he kind of did he brought that revelations energy he did that's why i'm so disappointed by the the scripture reference like that review also or that review that uh that chapter of the bible verse also says a whole lot of other things that don't align with this energy that he's putting out so i don't know man i don't you know i don't know either i don't know either um there were other reviews just bashing on this

thing um i have a feeling that people who reviewed the Beyonce mask didn't actually go. I mean, I don't. Well, no. I haven't seen it. But I have a feeling that it's not about worshiping Beyonce. I highly doubt it. It doesn't seem like that from any of the descriptions. I do like that they called her a satanic witch.

Yeah, that one. That's why I picked this one particularly. I really. I feel like I'm kind of jealous because you want to be called a satanic yeah yeah i know i feel you i'm like that's kind of cool this brought me closer to beyonce who would have thought it could be done and here you are even closer than ever reach out to lenny and say thank you for bringing me closer to Beyonce. Thank you, Prince of Darkness. Thank you, Prince of Darkness. I've passed your test. I've defeated you, the serpent.

And I'm now listening to Lemonade on repeat. There is one person who did call it Beyonce-anity. Okay, that's not clever at all. And they said, and the worst part about it was they had to write out the equation. It was like Beyonce plus insanity. It's like, well, yeah, we understand what you're going for. If you have to write it out.

It makes it even worse that you had to literally write out the equation. No, that's not cute. That is painful. And I'm not thrilled about that. But you know what? This is a show that shines light on the darkness and excuse all the princes of it we do yes that's why we have to talk about these tough subjects we have to okay yeah like satanism and because i was hoping we could just stop right now but oh me really me too

should we um no because i have some more reviews for you. Now, once I had found a couple of reviews of Scientology, I was like, well, okay, I need to search our inbox. And that's what I did. And I found this review, sorry, this email from Jess, who sent a couple, this was from October of 2020. And the subject is anyone for a merlin themed hotel which is actually a scientology front and i'm not even kidding you there's this place called camelot castle hotel in cornwall uk which is supposedly the location of arthur's round table according to jess and on tripadvisor apparently people are reviewing this because they went and found out that it's

like this Scientology front where they're just trying to like get you to join Scientology. So it's like a Scientology worship center, but actually a hotel. That's so alarming. I don't like that. It is alarming. And so I have a couple reviews here that Jess sent. Oh, I forgot to say that also just said, my mother reminded me of the time that she and my dad stayed in a grand hotel by the sea, which was actually run by Scientologists. So Jess's parents actually spent time here. So that's how she stumbled upon this. So I have a couple reviews here.

One of them is kind of long. I'm sorry, but it does give you a pretty good idea of what the hell is going on here. And this is a one-star review by Louise. The title is Surreal and Awful. Where to begin? The location is amazing and the views are absolutely stunning. That's all the good I can say about this place. One, it's creepy.

It feels like you're on the set of a film and you are overcome with unease at how freaking weird the place is. What? It gets so much weirder. Okay, that is not the vehicle I would expect to see there. You're met by the owner's Rolls Royce out front for no good reason. Also, a weirdly painted car on the lawn, which apparently belongs to Ted. More on Ted later. Three, there is a large bulletin board next to the front entrance, on which are posted old letters from people who enjoyed their visits there. Who does this? So desperate, so sad. Four, the reception is a piece

of work. Neon lights stating the presence of a TV network, photos of the owners with celebrities, terrible furniture in the office that resembles some sort of 80s eastern block office, merchandise on sale, and through the doors there is a collection of child's toys and cars with a sign stating that it's his own private garage this is the lobby of a hotel what the fuck i want to go there though scarier than the shining i feel like if i went here i'd be more frightened we should do a live show there see how it goes i'm kind of into it yeah five the room didn't have a proper doorknob on it the room had an airplane bathroom pod which was so small and nasty we refused to bathe in it

let me repeat that an airplane bathroom pod or a camper bathroom pod you choose both give you the idea on the bed pieces of paper with creepy poems on them so surreal you start to question the sanity of the people running the show. And then you see the common areas. Six. Fireplaces with teddy bears sitting on them. A piano covered in pieces of paper which you are invited to take that have poems by the owner or stories about the place. Trust me, this is not quaint. There is a lot of Scientology and there is a lot of crazy. The poems are bizarre and the stories are too the owners seem to think they are somehow endowed with the ability to inspire and make the world a better place just by being there are several portrait photos of the owner randomly placed around the hotel the stereo plays birds chirping in the drawing room chris said this

would be us if we had a hotel though so i can't i'm like i can't judge i hope you're taking notes for my church yeah i'd pull out my rolls royce would you like to play with my children's toys this is my garage there's just photos of me everywhere yeah and a stereo playing birds chirping i mean okay i think that's my favorite part a stereo plays birds chirping in the drawing room at breakfast the music ranges from la cucaracha to 70s italian folk music yes this is so us christina what the heck it's actually starting to sound a little too supposed to make me not want to go here i'm so confused right you might get there momentarily on the last two bullet points it's like at the

beginning they said that's the only good i have to say about it and they said so many good things about this place so good point teddy bears poetry what else did you ask for places it sounds so quaint so quaint it's a mishmash of weirdness. And then there's Ted and his art. Seven. There is information about Ted in the aforementioned, quote, literature that is left randomly about the place. Ted apparently lives in the basement, which right there should make one wonder. He is behind the art that is literally everywhere. Is he literally behind it?

Like, are there little peepholes? And he's in the walls. The eyes move when you walk past. It's actually Ted looking. It's like Big Brother and the cameras are in the walls. And the people like walking through the hallway. Except instead of a camera, it's just Ted. And he's just watching all the time.

It is so awful words cannot start to describe it. Not only is it garishly ugly, it's completely mismatched to the rest of the decor we're talking giant walls full of glitter butterflies bad my third grade children could do better ted wanders around the place but you don't know that and mistake him for a guest until he tries to befriend you oh Oh, no. It's like undercover in his own hotel. I don't think it's his hotel. I think he just lives in the basement, which is important. Wait, what? Ted doesn't own the hotel.

He just lives in the basement, Alexander. I'm getting the wrong idea of this place then. Wait, is Ted not the one in the Rolls Royce? No. No. Okay, I think for me, just ted is everyone and everything ted is just who i want everyone to be like so i'm just kind of putting him everywhere anyway when you go to sleep ted is in the bushes ted is in the trees ted is with you stop ted is in the wind okay here this is the last bullet and

this will give you some more intel about Ted. Eight. We had just checked out. Literally, we're trying to make our escape out the door. Some random guy, Ted, decided to stop us and give us a print of his work. Quote, I am Ted. I will give you a print of my work. Wait, I'll autograph it. Um, okay.

Ah, a picture with my friends. At this, he handed over his phone to the receptionist, who took a photo of all of us, looking flabbergasted and confused, before we had the time to realize what was happening. Really, Ted? What the actual fuck? I have literally never seen you before, and now we are in a photo together? Why? It was the perfect touch to the end of the most surreal and creepy experience ever. Fortunately, we laughed through the whole thing because what else are you going to do? seriously stay away you can get the amazing views without staying here end of review okay honestly without the scientology bit i know all of this sounds like yeah you would

it's a good warning for certain people but if you have a weird sense of humor or like kind of weird openness to this kind of stuff it might be a fun time for you but only like if i were going for dinner i feel like i don't want to have a bath airplane bathroom no yeah oh true true i kind of forgot about all that i've been so focused on ted yeah like it just seemed like the room wasn't really i mean if the room were nice and it had a doorknob and i could actually close it so ted didn't watch me sleep then maybe i can watch you anyway ted is in the walls that's true ted is in the glitter butterflies above the bed yeah that is everywhere jess can you tell me about your parents experience there because i want to know more about ted i'll i hope to tell you all about my experience there

soon enough first place i'm going to once i was about to say now that we're getting vaccinated maybe we can take a trip there's no maybe about it in my book okay we'll write it off we'll be like yeah this was research for the podcast business expense all our money business dollars write it off like write it off on what i don't know how this stuff works i don't either i just say words like that it's like me streaming people are like oh do you own this game no and i'm like no do you recommend it and they're like yeah i'm like okay i'll write it off my taxes i'll just buy it mom says we can write like everything i can do the only thing i ever learned uh that's not true i was gonna say

the only thing i ever learned from mom but i learned how to iron from mom i didn't learn how to iron have you seen me didn't learn how to iron. Have you seen me iron? It's bad. The joke is that that's all you talk about with mom is her iron. I know. I know. But that's the sad thing is I didn't even pick that part up.

I did learn how to iron from her. That's good. Anyway, she would always say, oh, you can write that off your taxes. You can write that off your taxes. And then I tried and they were like, no, you literally can't do that. You can't write your dog off your taxes. She's like, I've been audited 10 times i'm like success that she's been fine every time i'm like i wonder why they're audited oh probably because she's an immigrant she's like

this cat is part of my business experience my next one is like a bit of a break i don't know why i chose this it felt really reasonable the whole situation okay okay this is a one-star one-star review of discovery church in orlando florida this is by william first and last time coming to this church was asked to step out because they were recording and our baby was saying hi and it was being picked up by their mics no other option for us to go somewhere else or anything pretty disappointing honestly was there to see a family member get baptized so that's like the first part of the review wow they're literally kicked out because their baby is hi doesn't it sound so adorable i love it hi i love how you go immediately to the even though it's probably not the most opposite this kind of churches what a baby is is a priest

singing in a low baritone is the opposite of a baby i think that's shitty and also i've read so many things like that of like especially the mega churches will do that well they have like special rooms and they're like we were put our entire because of my one-year-old that i was trying to rock and like um was kind of starting to fuss but not that bad to security and they walked to the back with it's scary newborn and two security guards came told uh told the mom that that she was um disrupting the pastor or like distracting the pastor too much. And so they escorted her and the rest of her family to another room. And it was a room with a bunch of other families.

And it was really small and not air conditioned. The room? Yep. No. It's called a cry room. The cry room. Yeah. Doesn't that sound like a torture chamber or something?

Yeah. Yeah. That's what at least I've seen a couple of places call the cry room and there were a couple places i forget when i was looking this up i don't even remember it must have been for the show because why else would i be reading these but a while ago i read one where it was like the spanish language masses are played on a tv separately but you have to go into the basement into this like corner room with no air conditioning so they just jam people in there who want to watch it in spanish and it probably advertises spanish language exactly like come on like totally church

in spanish oh welcome here at least into the basement with ted with ted yeah it's just such another world and that's for me just because i don't know when we would go to catholic church it'd be a baby crying you'd be like oh some entertainment because everything else is so i know but then dad would go and like try and talk to it and make it cry more and it was like okay this is getting don't remember that part but oh well you know how he always is like when he sees babies yeah he's like he loves babies but he's he's tall he's tall German. And so he frightens babies in. Never mind. I'm going to stop insulting our parents.

Your turn. Anyway, so that's the first bit of the review. And then the last bit. Here we go. Update. The church did call us. They did apologize and admit that the way it was handled was wrong. Apologized multiple times.

We accepted their apology, but we will not be returning. End of review. Sounds pretty healthy. Everything kind of worked out. Yeah, I mean, it's reasonable, especially, it sounds like you weren't going to go back anyway because you were only there for a baptism. You know what I mean? That's a good point.

You weren't there to see if you could go. I mean, maybe you were, but it didn't seem like you were there to see if this was your new place of worship. I was impressed that the church apologized, and not just in Google, because normally you get an apology, a public apology under the Google review, and it's all like, call us if you want. But they actually reached out to this person individually outside of this to apologize. reached out to this person individually outside of this to apologize and not only that this person admitted that that happened said to everyone hey also they did apologize yeah that's pretty impressive yeah i felt like it was such a weirdly like good it's a redeeming qual it's a redeeming situation that you don't necessarily see much of yeah especially in a one-star review like the fact there were redeeming qualities about this one-star review situation from both sides,

I thought was pretty cool. Anyway, I thought that'd be a nice break for us in all this bullshit. And even more so because they're not, it's not like they're looking for repeat customers as far as like losing money, like a traditional business or store or restaurant. Yes, yeah. It just seems more out of the goodness of their heart. Yeah, for sure. Like a traditional business or store or restaurant. Yes.

Yeah. It just seems more out of the goodness of their heart. Yeah, for sure. Which is what it should all be about. Am I right, folks? No, I wish you would stop trying to like commandeer this whole religion thing that I already told you. I'm sorry. Under my purview. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry what? Your eminence. Thank you. It's Tim's 60th anniversary and Roll Up to Win is back. Win big with a daily $10,000 jackpot sponsored by Tim's Financial. Earn an entry with every roll. Play now on the Tim's app. Rules apply.

Canada only. No purchase necessary. Visit the Tim's app for details. Today. Something is coming. Kong. Godzilla. They can feel it. together it's human up or face extinction godzilla kong the new empire now playing only in theaters oh is it my turn yes okay i wanted to give myself a moment of silence

for me so oh i have one more review of this lovely hotel. Yay. Slash Scientology Center. I don't know what it is anymore. I, like, kind of forgot what it was. This is a one-star review, and the title is by Traveler01. And this is a one-star review called Scientology Hotel. Well, this is a Scientology castle,

which was the last thing we expected when booking a stay in Cornwall. There are books at almost every seat in the dining room, which contain Scientology material and a poem left on the beds. By the way, I'm really pissed nobody wrote out the poem.

Yeah, okay. I was hoping that's what you were going to read. I'm so tired of hearing about this poem and not getting to experience it. And so Ted is not the poet. Like, the owner is the poet. It's unclear. So it's so confusing.

Because I'm like, I think that's why it all just became one thing. So I think the art is from Ted. Yes, the art is from Ted. Art definitely from Ted. But the poems are from the owner? That the owner left around? I think so. Because remember they said in the beginning, you see the owner's rolls royce up front but

there's also a weird painted car that belongs to ted so there's like two separate unless they're the same person which is also like not shock it would not shock me yeah but there's two separate identities here one is the owner and one is ted and i don't know who the poem to whom the poems belong got it got it um i actually just opened it on tripadvisor camelot castle hotel i mean this is just fascinating wow this is the weirdest shit ever i'm gonna search for poem it's fucking beautiful it is beautiful i think that's why everyone is like so the inside is incredible like crazy looking but it's a castle like a legit castle it's dog friendly too okay so here uh i have another clue from a different review here that just says

an air vent stuffed with toilet roll and the weird poem written by the owner that they leave printed on the bed for you clearly someone's attempt to stop a breeze okay i think they meant the toilet paper in the vent not the poem okay but because i think that's what that original review said owners poems by the owner right i could be wrong but that's oh maybe because then in this one it says the five-star review this says they even posted a copy of the beautiful poem left in our room to my wife. I don't think the poem was written for your wife. That would make it much greater.

Yikes. You ask me. I wish someone would freaking tell me the poem. It's just, everyone says it's a strange poem written by the owner. The mysterious poem. This one says, there was the most banal poem on each pillow which beggared belief okay well there is a poem about magic on the bed what the hell so it's about magic i need to know this poem oh my god there's also something called the poem recital that's an event they do

i have it the magic poem read it read it okay it's magic at camelot castle here we go guess what john magpit mappen john mappen was thinking about when he wrote the magic poem and win a prize contact us oh my god john mappen is the owner so they want you to contact them to guess what he was thinking about so that you can win a prize yeah that's not scientology behavior at all oh yeah wait never that's the most scientology thing i've ever heard excited it's like the free personality test fuck you're right at the bangles games you've went up trip to our special center at our castle which i mean to be fair it sounds kind of appealing all Two weeks, all intensive. I mean, all relaxing, of course. Do you want the whole poem? It's like fairly long, but I'll read it.

Can you read it? By John Mappin? Yeah, absolutely. Here we go, everybody. This is Magic by John Mappin, owner of the Camelot Hotel in Cornwall. Is that where it is? Yes. Okay.

Now here's a thing, a magic string with four enchanted wishes. Know their names, play this game, and don't be too suspicious. Okay, yeah. All right, I won't. Thanks for letting me know. Under the whole thing of Scientology, this is really freaky. Isn't it? Otherwise, I'd feel kind of bad about...

No, if somebody put this on my pillow, I'd be like, this is not... But yeah, this is on my pillow where people are pitching Scientology to me and saying, don't be too suspicious. Also, don't look in the air vent. The first wish is affinity for what you are for what will be. Put your mind forward into time. Wish one reverses all decline. Wish two is called reality.

It's that on which we all agree. It's for the actions you must do. It causes others to change too. Believe me not. Enjoy surprise. When you see magic through your eyes. It seems a lot, but that's not all. Master one, you will have a ball. Master two, you master speed. What more could a playful being need? Fun for one is a zero sum.

What fun is fun not shared? Love or laughter undeclared leaves a being snared. Because of this, Wish 3 is gold. Value it a thousandfold. It brings forth light where darkness fell and hope to where the hopeless dwell. Wish 3 moves hearts. It can move a nation. Its name? What else?

Communication. So there you have your magic three. Enchant the world. Enchanted be. Use them when you think of you. Or whenever else you want to. Did I say three? But there were four.

Why is the final wish no more? What magic now? What have have we here when even wishes disappear wish four has the name that has never been said at its promise alone all devils fled it has never been spoken it has never been read it has never been thought and it's not in my head is that is it like voldemort's never been said or said i don't fucking know what this is freaky i don't either maybe it's z new oh probably it was thought to have been known by the spirit of play but he was joking that day what is it called this wish wish for hewn from the magical spells of yore?

It's what helps you create and takes planets and cultures to a higher state. What is this wish? Well, it starts the game. Wish four is the wish that you will name. Ooh. Ooh, goosebumps at the end there, huh? I kind of like that. like i was i enjoyed reading it it was fun to listen to i feel like you made it sound more i don't know just more normal than it

probably is maybe i don't know yeah i got weird at the whole suspicion thing but at the end i was like i'm weirdly feeling it i feel like he's disarmed to me you know like i feel like yes that's he's disarmed me and now he's like don't be suspicious and then that might just be my sultry voice but lured me in and now i'm like frick you should hear john say it you think i said it well do you think like ted has to listen to this all day like who is he reciting this for because apparently they do a poetry recital i'm already emailing them with my guess i believe that don't say that john was was thinking of ted when he wrote this poem it is about ted you're right wow yeah i mean it's funny because i'm looking through these reviews and some people are like wow this beautiful poem was left

on the bed it was so inspirational and some people are like there was this poem was left on the bed it was so inspirational and some people are like there was this weird poem left on my pillow you know what i mean like it's weird i'm sorry it's weird to me oh yeah this lying on your pillow i mean of course at a hotel some people think it's perfectly i don't know but then again i wouldn't like one star review like oh they had a poem i'd be like well i'd be creep, well, this is weird. Well, I'd be creeped out if it told me not to be suspicious. And then there was a guy named Ted taking photos of me. I think I'd be a little bit on edge.

Fair. But the views look worth it to me. I would go here. Absolutely. Except I'd go here and I'd give my name and they're like, this is the guy from that podcast. And then I'd be in deep trouble. Well, you know what they would do? Is they would point behind you. and you'd be on the wall just like jack from the shining oh i thought it

was gonna i thought it was like creed from the office it's like how he's not allowed back at that restaurant because he stole oh i thought i'd be on the like do not serve like wall you'll be on that too but isn't his name jack from the shining jack torrance yeah yeah yeah you'd be on the wall in black and white and they were like he stayed here 200 years ago and then you'd never leave you know we'll say underneath it'll have a list of all the people me i'll be l ron hubbard suddenly the castle will start glowing and they'll be like oh my god he's returned oh my god the rolls royce will come up it will roll up to the front door you'll get a special

welcome it's gonna be actually really cool they'll throw me in a volcano then we'll throw you in a volcano i like george's description there's a promotional d promotional DVD and a bonkers poem lying on the beds of each room. Well, there you have it, folks. You get a free reading of the bonkers poem. Okay. Anyway, I just want to finish this other review. It's not even done, but it's not very long. Oh, my God.

Okay. No, I'm here for it. I do want to say be careful before you post anything on a review about this place, because here's a response from the owner, John. Or is that John? No. John. Oh, it is John.

So John M75 responded to this one review that said, like, things were weird and uncomfortable. And he said, Ted is probably the greatest abstract realist artist of all time this is our opinion of his art and others have their own opinions which may differ beauty and art of course lie in the eye of the beholder but it is important to be able to notice envy and intolerance in a review either of a hotel or in relation to its owners or art. A minor heart filled envy and intolerance is most certainly an unattractive quality and has no place at Camelot Castle. That's weirdly like, that's the kind of bromance I want. Kind of what?

Bromance. Who, Ted and John? Or just could be romance. Yeah, Ted and John. John's standing up for Ted here. Yeah, there were three more paragraphs about how jealous the reviewer was, which is super awkward. Can I bring up some more context that i just discovered always mappen is apparently who was was involved in the creation of turning point uk a british offshoot of a u.s group that

aimed at promoting right-wing causes among young people you know turning point usa no oh well he's part of turning point uk which is yep so yeah mappen supporter of trump and apparently listen to this mappen owns the victorian era camelot castle which flew a q flag that was thought to refer to the q anon conspiracy well yeah that fits pretty well with all this other stuff yeah and uh mappet is a practicing scientologist and praises vladimir putin and has shared plenty of conspiracy theories online this is from the guardian like there's a whole article about this guy but no kidding like this really is quite a quite a place holy shit this is yeah okay i don't really want to go there anymore i'd actually legitimately be scared to go there now yeah because we've said

some not so savory things about them at this point yeah did you know that a mind with filled with envy is not welcome so we probably shouldn't go oh yeah no i'm so envious quite envious of q q and on supporters and how their brains work uh-huh of course so i'm gonna finish this review it's called scientology hotel by traveler 01 well this is a scientology castle which was the last thing we expected when booking a stay in cornwall there are books at almost every seat in the dining room which contains scientology material and a poem left on the beds. The rooms themselves are old and outdated, crumbling ceiling and old bathroom.

A man took our food order in a crew shirt and then came back dressed in a full Navy outfit. What? Uh, parentheses as Scientologists are really into navy culture with their sea org etc oh good point okay so i guess the waiters change into navy regalia halfway through is it like as your stay as you stay there like they get deeper and deeper into it does this not sound like the freaking shining plus scientology like you're like sucked in and you start hallucinating okay he came back dressed in a full navy outfit parentheses as

scientologists are really into navy culture with the sea org etc a very strange experience we did not stay we went to a different hotel and as soon as we told them where we had come from they said they get many guests who leave camelot castle because of the creepy vibe and bad experiences and end up here apparently we were lucky to avoid a trip to the light room where you are pressured into buying ted's art end of review oh no the thing before i found all this stuff out i actually wanted to support ted and his heart i was wondering i was like maybe we should read all of them before you uh declare your allegiance to the castle uh i just i bet people who knew about this were listening to this episode or like oh no they're getting it they're getting sucked in i read the poem aloud and everyone's all the people who know the the history are like no no no no don't

let don't fall into this i didn't realize it was such a big deal like with the guardian writing about the owner and everything that's just wild it's um yeah well anyway i know that was like such a detour but i just got this email from jess and thought this is like a once in a lifetime opportunity to go over something like this oh yeah no i'm glad we did i'm glad we did that was a roller coaster for me it was for. For sure. Oh my god. Wait, I'm sorry. I googled Lightbox Camelot Castle Hotel. There's a one-star review called, Don't Ask to See the Lightbox, a review of Camelot Castle Hotel. We came here for coffee and to admire the views. Lovely, until we stupidly asked to see the Lightbox. It turned out to be a guided tour and sales pitch to buy the art by the resident artist. We got sung too and was totally pressured to buy.

Creepy place, creepy people. Avoid unless you want a good laugh. One we won't forget. Coffee's good though. Okay, good coffee though. Now, okay. If they had clean bathrooms, then I actually might be into this place again. It's the airplane

bathrooms are the one hang up if they renovate thank you for renovate those bathrooms like we might show up you just brought me back down i was i was ready to go again but then you brought up those it's the pod bathroom the pod bathrooms i'm not i'm out i'm out take a hit from houston scientology clean up your bathrooms john um if i get an email from you soon about how you've renovated your bathrooms i'll book the next flight out but until then no not for me if i get an email from you soon about how you've renovated your bathrooms i'll book the next flight out but until then no not for me if we get john if we get an email from you i will burn our gmail account and change my name i think we yeah i think uh i think we'd have to shut the show down like we might be done for toast our lawyers would be like we don't want to deal

with this this is this is you're you're on your own our lawyers would be like not another podcast shut down by scientology actually i'd be pretty proud of that label true we could leverage that also our lawyers would be like we're not your lawyers yeah i've just said that as to sound like who are you i literally said that to sound threatening to sorry john lawyers to keep him away from us but now he knows that we're full of shit so many lawyers we have yes i just your turn god damn it okay i'm sorry yeah let's move on from that um please maybe edit it all out i don't okay we'll see what i'll reach out to john okay this is a very different note. Back to churches.

This is a review of Life Church in Wellington, Florida. This is by Danielle. One star. If you are looking for a lukewarm church that will play sinful music, Lady Gaga, Edge of Glory, look up up the lyrics to get the teens to

come in and say we give away free starbucks coffee starbucks was two words oh my god with donuts like it's a big deal than this your church okay that's literally the end of the review i'm gonna go sign up i didn't think i'd be going back to church anytime soon. Why are these reviewers like making us want to go? Lady Gaga and Starbucks? Uh-huh. Shit, and donuts? Donuts.

Meanwhile, the pastor is preaching. The staff is outside hanging out, drinking coffee on their phones. One staff member said she graduated from college, didn't know what to do next, got offered a job there with no experience in the ministry, and she is a part of the ministry team? This church would do whatever to get five stars just to look cool. Their quote,

will do anything short of sin to reach people. End of review. Okay, first of all, that's great second of all does this person just go around interviewing all the like staff members on their work experience what a strange thing to know about one of the employees i know and could you imagine being that employee like also i don't know that i mean i assume they're religious if they're working at this church like the employee but you get asked this and you're excited to say like hey they like they gave them a chance after graduating college they didn't know what to do and then like this opportunity arose wouldn't you be excited and be like so glad that you're putting this effort into the church and helping people like wouldn't that what well i guess not what they want i guess not

if mean while you're outside drinking star bucks because maybe that's the kind of downer side is like this person was like if i had this job i would be i don't know what i don't want to know what she'd be doing but not this not sit drinking coffee on the phone or whatever the hell she said earlier and but i'd feel so bad for that employee getting asked this and saying that and then the person asking was probably like i'm gonna write that down and like yeah and typing on the phone like typing in the yelp review oh my god that's upsetting uh i love the idea of a lady gaga beyonce starbucks church i mean i know that that's such a cliche nowadays with like these mega churches like i have an idea christina maybe we should just get starbucks listen to lady gaga and beyonce but without the whole religious aspect i think it's possible do you think we could do that

i think it's possible huh i think it's worth trying for but if not we can always fall back on church okay i feel like we could try it i don't know if I trust us to figure it out on our own, but we could try it. We could try it. We could try it. Yeah. Was that your last one? Nope. Okay, cool.

Because I have a couple more too. So I also saw an email that we got from Hannah and she wrote in about a controversial mega church in the city she's from. And it's called Church by the Glades in Coral Springs, Florida. And it's the same idea as the Lady Gaga church and the Beyonce church. It's like a mega church that gets a lot of hate from people who are more traditional. So this is a one-star review by Mark. This is so dumb.

It's like a few words, but I just liked it very much. Nobody really liked me. Nobody really liked me. No. No. Nobody really liked me. In fact, they lied to me. Very disappointing. End of review.

What did they say to you? I don't know, but I feel sad for Mark that nobody really liked him. I'm sorry. What if they said, we really like you, Mark. And now they're lying. They don't really like me. Yes, they said they liked me, but they lied to me. Yeah, to me yeah i don't know nobody really liked me in fact lied to me i'm like i wish there was more to the story that you could tell me because i am so curious but i felt a little bit sad when i read that for a few for mark i did read lots of reviews where people like

the only person who talked to me was the greeter and i'm like well that's why there's a greeter that's their job yeah like the other people are not obligated to approach you i mean yeah they might might be some people in certain churches who are just that personality but do you remember the reviews that were of walmart that were like the only person at walmart who greeted me was the greeter and the cashiers didn't even speak to me. And it's like, wow. Or there's a self checkout lane. You can't even speak to anyone. I mean, that's the dream for me,

but yes, that's right. I'm just like, gee, a Catholic church. You shut up, you kneel down and you hurt your knees and back and talk about what you talk. You don't talk about anything. You sit there and listen to other people talk and sing in baritone.

There was, there is the time when you go around saying, peace be with you. I hate that part. part stressing and um yeah it was always my favorite part now i'm sure they don't shake hands anymore probably true oh covid ruining my church experience i won't get to drink out of the communal wine glass that 200 other people put their mouth on and then somebody wiped with a linen napkin over and over again so gross stop i forgot we did that about it i forgot in 50 years if we like tell our grandchildren i don't want to think about this is that disgusting like yes it's foul okay go on christina it's awful i know it's the worst thing ever and then and then once everyone else suckled

on it the priest goes and goes sooner Suckled on it. Doug's dinner. Stop it. You're making it worse. Well, whatever. Here is a review of Subiaco Church. This is in Subiaco, Australia, outside Perth. Watch some interesting videos about it. I'm going to call it Subi because that's colloquially.

Colloquy. I'm just going to watch. I hate this so much. Colloquially? Thank you. That's how people say it. So, Subi. So, this is of Subiaco Church in Subi, Australia.

This is by Gary, one star. The priest tried to drown me in holy water saying that it was for god end of review oh no oh no but he didn't succeed and i'm here to tell the tale and the best part about this might be the response oh and okay you know what i'm just gonna say that i just made up a name this person's name is mc mcgoober and so it's like clearly like a a fake name i think maybe i'm wrong but it seems like a fake name that's a traditional australian surname don't you dare honestly might be and i'm sorry here is what the church said in response dear mr mcgoober i'm not even kidding oh no well it's actually mc.goober so i don't know but dear mr mcgoober we have received your review unfortunately we think you are mistaken

leaving us a bad review as we have no record of you being baptized in our church if you have any questions regarding your christian faith please email us so like they took it seriously i they check actually check the records to see if there was a mcgoober the priest asks like the altar boy or somebody hey can you check the records to see if there's mcgoober like father john i think maybe this is no no we need to check and make sure this young man i mean yikes that's so awful well someone tried to drown them in holy water and failed we got to try again oh god this is so sad. Man, the Prince of Darkness works in mysterious ways.

That's all I got to say. So, cool. I have another view of Church by the Glades in Coral Springs, Florida. This is a one-star view by Lori. This church does allows not you to praise God in your moments. If you do, you will be taken from your seat by one of the leader and you will be escorted through the door it happened to me one month ago i have not been back since this happened what they got in trouble well i mean they said i have not been back and i'm

like are you still in the base the holding cell the brig yeah i'm like scared you're in the holding in the cry room in the cry room oh my god i wonder what laurie was doing to praise god in her moments because whatever it was was not it's not gonna fly i had plenty of people who were like i got kicked out for telling them that they were worshiping wrong. They called me a distraction. Oh, yeah? Like, hmm. Did you pick the proper time and place to do that?

And the proper volume level? That's what I'm wondering. But then the problem with that is people who are like that are also, in their minds, doing the right thing by God. Yes, God wants them to be god wants them to and and so if they get kicked out that's like further cements their belief that they're doing something right because they're like oh they're like i'm facing resistance yeah god wants me to keep fighting jesus flipped the uh money changers tables yeah so i could flip as many pews as i want good times using the temple for no good am i right no good so i've got one one last review this is of the same church and

subi good old subi um this is by leila two stars church is a bit small people there can be rude didn't feel like a place where i feel i belong good try though end of review good try and i'm like huh interesting like that they said good try like it sounds funny and then here's a response from the owner oh fuck hi leila thank you for taking the time to leave us your feedback we loved having you in our youth group and feel sorry that somehow your experience in our church is different from what our passionate youth leaders and peers in your group are aiming to offer you we will pm you to work out how to better serve you in the future many blessings the subi church team oh that's nice oh it was nice but it's funny how it's oh, they have a really like they know each other.

They were like, yeah, we remember you. Yeah. Who was this again? Lori? Layla. Wow. Sure. It's fake.

Anyway, so. Well, Lori McGoober, isn't that the person who got drowned earlier? Oh, boy. I like how it's like, but like, good try. Like, you did your best. You did your best. You tried to change me and you can't. Still an atheist, grandma.

Wow, that's beautiful stuff. So that actually worked out really well because I only have one review left as well. This is one more review of the church by the glades in Coral Springs. This is the three-star view by Teresa. A nice church with a different spin on services, but they can get a bit repetitive. Also, their themes can get cringe and pandering. For example, they once had a Minions-themed service. Oh!

I'm sorry. Sign me the fuck up. I love Minions. I even practiced to say that, and i couldn't do it i love minions this is just painful this is the okay i know i've joked about like with the good clean church like clean bathrooms that i would go to those churches and be in scientology that's all those were all jokes but if i found out a church near me was having a minion themed service i'd be there in a heartbeat 100 i would actually go to that me too not even just because yeah entertainment factor i

don't know i'm so curious i think is the ultimate thing i want to know how on earth they attempted this i would ask if i could participate somehow well be like are you are you are you religious no i'm an atheist but i want to help i want to be a part of this what this art it's art i'm sure of it i'm sure of it it's got to be art i'm sure of it anything with minions is art oh my god okay they can get repetitive services okay first of all so they did it more than once are they doing it again soon this is about minions where is this i'm going driving right now it's florida you want a trip take a trip i'm going also nobody liked mark there so we got to pretend we hate mark too just to fit in place mark and then make

it all minion themed yeah but if i like con my way into like running a church and i did that well as long as you uh don't praise god in your moments i think you'll be fine you won't end up in the cry room that won't be an issue okay they had a minion seizures I get that they were trying to relate it to the disciples. I'm sorry. I'm really struggling with this. I get that they were trying to relate it to the disciples and following God, but sometimes the message just doesn't translate smoothly. However, if you hate traditional churches and get bored easily, check it out. End of review.

That was actually a very helpful review. It was helpful. It was like, yeah, I guess they do minions, but I don't get it. But if you do, have fun. Oh, I love how they were like, I get that they... And I'm like, wait. You do get it? I don't get it.

I don't, but I want to get it. Minions, disciple service. I mean, I've never heard of such a thing. There is envy in my heart for this person who gets that experience. I am absolutely intrigued right now there's envy don't go to camelot castle now that's like a fucking blip on the radar you're not even interested in camelot castle anymore no no no i think um that that ship sailed um not at the q anon stuff that was fine but at the pod bathrooms yeah the pod

bathrooms i mean i'm telling you their website cbglades.com has a page called villains bad guys and minions so i just if you're interested in i'm not joking what i'm not joking. What? I'm not joking. Their website has more info. Oh, shit. This is intense. Holy shit. I just opened their website on my computer. I can't open it. Oh, my God. Is this? Dealing with your Delilah. This is a church people experience?

What? What? Sorry, I've never been to a church like this. This is blowing my mind. A mega church? You haven't? No. Man, it's an experience.

I mean, I would probably hate it unless you're a mega. it's an experience i mean i would probably hate it unless it's very uncomfortable one time mom made me go to um her mega church she tricked me she said i'm driving you home i was like 23 and she said i'm driving you home and then she tricked me into going to mega church because she said i need to be saved and then i'm not even making making this up and then during the service i said is anyone new anyone new here? And she dragged me up. She made me stand up and she was like, Christine is new

and she's seeking God. And then everyone like sang a song to me with my name in the song. It was honestly the worst, honestly, one of the worst experiences of my life.

Okay. I need like a making for you episode about something like that. I don't know. It was awful. I need, I want to experience that

and people film it with me it was being uncomfortable because i think that could be the worst part is that i had i had been out the night before with my friend and so i was still in my outfit from the night before like my god hung over it was awful i'm taking you home and then she took me to this freaking church i can't even imagine it was up in wyoming ohio i was there it was awful how old were you 23 christina i don't know maybe this is just you didn't just say no i've i've been working on my boundaries since then like legitimately i know you paying therapists for many years to work on my boundaries differently you're right to be honest i was a therapist for many years to work on my boundaries. I can't say I would have done anything differently.

You're right. To be honest, I think I was so shocked. I didn't totally know what to do. I think I was just so totally. And honestly, I didn't know why she was taking me there. She's like, oh, well, we're going to stop for services. And then in the service, she was like, Christine is seeking God. And I was like, oh, she's bringing me here because she thinks I need the Lord.

I get it. Especially if you're used to Catholic church, you're like okay let me just sit through this boring ass thing for a bit there's an acoustic right i thought it was just gonna be like oh cool it's air conditioned like it's fine and no no no there was an acoustic guitar singing songs about me it was awful i'll sit here anyway it sounds awful um it was truly one of those things like sometimes i'm like do people actually block out memories i've like fully blocked it out for many years until one day i was like oh my blaze was like remember that time and i was like holy crap i completely blacked it out you have to be reminded of it by someone who wasn't even there yeah that's yes it was awful i

remember the song they put my name in i would love for you to sing it for us no i don't remember it i'm sure one night i'll have like a one of those moments and wake up sweating and be like the song um but right now i definitely don't remember he's gonna be hovering over me singing it to you he's gonna be singing it like a lullaby yeah it's the only thing that can put me to sleep okay i'm so sorry anyway whoa what are you listening to this for wait who's talking you know you're driving a 2024 ford escape with available alexa built in so you can change the music oh yeah alexa change station to 99.2 see purchase a 2024 escape st line all-wheel drive with Tech Pack at 3.49% APR for 72 months with down payment.

That's just $267 bi-weekly. Cash value of $40,294. Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. Some things are meant to be shared. Like sunsets over the Pacific. Picnics in Central Park, or aeroplane points. Up to eight family members can share aeroplane points together. With the TD Aeroplane Visa Infinite Card, earn up to 50,000 aeroplane points.

Aeroplane family sharing is a feature of the Aeroplane Program. Conditions apply. Offer ends June 3, 2024. Visit tdaeroplane.com for details. Is it your turn it's time for a challenge i think thank god i think we've moved on from churches uh we'll try it's about most of my reviews here are of churches but the rest of them and my challenge oh come on kidding oh i was like what they... This actually fits because read your challenge. I thought it was going to be like... Okay, well, read your challenge first. Does it fit?

This is the challenges from Jennifer. Review of a product someone used for the first time right before a big event that had a big impact on said event. Well, I first used my Forever 21 miniskirt the night before my first experience at a megachurch. And I can tell you it was one of the most awful mornings of my life. It had a big impact? Big impact.

Big traumatic impact. So I had some creative liberties here. Meaning big impact, big event. All relative. All relative. Thank you. Thank you. all relative all relative thank you thank you so this first one to me would be a big event because especially after a pandemic um but let me just let me just read the product this is of almond

hammer carpet and room pet fresh odor eliminator 30 ounce this is a one-star review titled, The smell is so bad that I have to burn my house and never return. The smell is deadly. I used this right before guests came over, and they will never return. It is cold, and all my windows are open, and fans are on, and I only used a little bit. May I move in with you, please? Heed all other reviews and do not buy your pets and the entire world thank you for helping us to avoid this wretched smell and a review wow so that's the kind of thing you buy if you don't want anyone to come over anymore which is kind of how i feel

most of the time exactly and it would feel like a big thing to have a guest over right now it would it feels like a big thing for me to have a guest over right now it would it feels like a big thing for me to have a guest over literally ever but definitely now well okay i also love the desperation in can i move in with you which honestly makes me think they asked their guests when they were visiting and might be part of the reason they're never returning that might be it um seven people found this review helpful so hopefully one of those seven people also oh eight one of those eight people hopefully offered their home to this person did you did that yeah did you not see janine come oh my god hey hey hi oh i'm alex oh it's so good to meet

you i'm so what's that smell coming off i was gonna say i oh shit i was gonna say i'm so glad you can't smell all the way from here but i guess you're only a few miles away it's that strong yep okay um these are weird i i had some weird amounts of fun um but okay one thing i'll say is when i first read this challenge i'm like these are gonna be negative like really bad right but then i was like oh but not necessarily because a lot of the reviews I came across were actually somewhat positive. So here's an example of that. This is niche. This is very niche. So to the two people who enjoy this, you're welcome. This is of a BridgeCam gauge test Ulnar welding inspection gauge. Oh, yeah.

I have one of those. One of those. Here's a five-star review. I passed my welding certification because of this gauge. I bought this right before I took my SMAW3G test, and it helped me pass. I could never get the reinforcement height right prior to this gauge, and now I can check myself. Perfect every time.

End of review. That's so nice. Yeah. Congratulations. Congratulations congratulations reviewer how cool how cool and i bet a lot i hope there's some people listening that are like i can relate cool or maybe they'll be interested in this product now i was gonna say or maybe they'll be like shit i failed every time i went to the s saw the saw with an m in the middle test so true and now i need one of these machines speaking of tests here's a review

of stinger detox buzz five times extra strength drink great flavor eight fluid fluid ounces two pack do you know what this is for my teeth hurt already thinking about it i'm assuming this is an energy drink no one star review titled waste of money i failed the test and lost an entire week of work and nearly cost my family our home yeah my fault for smoking in the first place but i just wanted to let everyone know it doesn't work drink pickle juice or take niacin and save yourself 40 bucks. End of review. What? For drug testing. Oh, wait, it's to pass a drug test? Yes.

Oh, I thought it was a drug. I thought it was like a strain of weed or something. Sorry. Okay. Yeah. I probably should have given more context ahead of time. So it's something to try and... Those don't work, friends.

I know. I know. That's what they said too at the end. But yeah, it's something that you drink um before you take but they're instructions and part of the instructions are like don't smoke for like 15 days before right which is like the point and they're like drink this like this much on this day um oh god based on your weight and stuff like there's this whole it just turns your pee purple

or something like it sounds like it would just poison your whole body yeah i don't know so it's i read a lot of those um wow yeah i think drug test that's an interesting one i hadn't even thought of that yeah yeah i there were a lot of those so. So yeah, let's move on from that. Here we've got Eureka Instant Clear 26NEA120 Purifier 3-in-1 True HEPA Air Cleaner with carbon... HEPA? Did you say HEPA? I don't know what I'm doing.

It is a HEPA thing. HEPA Air Cleaner with Carbon Activated Filter andv led for allergies pollen pets odor smoke dust black so it's like an air purifier right okay wow that's a lot of words fucking amazon right i know five star review not a miracle worker but makes us feel safe bought this right before the wildfires by chance they helped keep our air fresh and not that they didn't really have control over. Wonderful. they did definitely help the smoke smell from the fires end of review wow i mean so a different kind of tragic but also really have control over but wonderful yeah good for them i guess is this what you meant when you were saying oh some of these aren't really like they're all relative these aren't really big events oh just the entire state is on fire yeah nbd stuff like that and like

i don't know if you'd call like a drug test a big event i guess so i don't know yeah i mean if it's gonna cost you your job i would say yeah but i think like that test example like that's a big event like getting passing your certification uh but the main one was like the guest coming over that i was like yes big event in my book in to us yes yeah this next one is of uh rimel stay matte primer and stay matte setting spray it's hairspray that like a little bottle Next one is of Rimmel Stay Matte Primer and Stay Matte Setting Spray. It's hairspray that like a little bottle and it. Are you sure it's not setting spray for makeup? No, I'm not.

Okay. I just usually. It is for makeup. That's what I meant. Sorry. You're right. Because I was thinking of a different thing that I read. This one is for makeup. Sorry.

Oh, God. Here we go. It's a five star review. I took a chance and bought this product for the first time right before my wedding day in august 2019 i did my own makeup that day and i am just blown away by the quality using a face primer makes all the difference it ensured that my foundation went on perfectly and my makeup lasted all night. Definitely buy this product. You won't regret it.

End of review. Oh, that's good. A very, very pretty picture of themselves. Aw, that's nice. And helpful. Yeah, and I'm glad it worked out for them. I'm so nervous. Every time you read a product and then you're about to read the stars, I like hold my breath.

I know. Because I can't deal with a one star before your wedding. Do you have any of those? No. Okay, good. I've got only one more. the stars i like hold my breath i know i can't deal with a one star before your wedding do you have any of those no i've got only one more and this is the opposite oh pure no opposite oh the opposite of my bad example yes got it pure pure four in one pressed powder mineral foundation with concealer finishing powder and spf 15 cruelty free and vegan friendly five star review i am african-american and have never found a foundation that matches my skin as perfect as pure minerals i wear the shade deep i've been using this for the last six years i discovered

it five years ago right before my wedding and i wore it for the wedding and never left deep matches me so perfectly no one can tell where the makeup starts and ends even if i put half on my face sometimes i put half on my face and not on my forehead and people think i have on no makeup because they see me wipe my forehead and see nothing comes off magic little do they know the foundation is on my cheeks and chin. Ha ha. I got them. Love it. I love that like subtle subterfuge. Like Becky at work is never going to know. She's going to be baffled for the rest of time.

They just cannot tell where it starts and finishes. I have acne prone skin and this has helped my acne clear up so much. My skin feels light and weightless i love you pure minerals xoxo wow that is quite the endorsement yeah and after going through all of the church reviews i was pretty grateful that these ended up as positively as they did quite frankly me too yeah especially now that with the ones you brought to the table well very glad it worked out this way aggressively drag holy shit um but yeah no it was um it was surprising i thought that they were so positive but like i don't know everyone seemed to have all these great experiences with that makes me very happy because it's like you usually hear about

the bad experiences on reviews and i like that some people are taking the time to share their good fortune true so thank you jennifer for that lovely challenge i enjoyed it quite a bit yeah that's what i've got thanks jennifer so we have something kind of weird happening next week that i i want to be up front here that like i don't really get it so don't feel like oh i don't understand this i'm going to skip the episode because it's going to be enjoyable for everybody or just equally unenjoyable for everybody. But there you go.

There you'll be on the same page as one of us. I think that is our pitch. Yeah. And that's also just how our show usually goes, though. That's true. We're never on the same page. And you guys are hopefully somewhere in the middle. But so Alexander's going to explain what we're doing

because I legitimately don't really get it so um he's gonna tell me um okay so first i did see like someone had posted uh melissa had posted in the patreon only group each is any patreon only group um about the lil nas x sat Shoes. I only knew that because I Googled it today. Yeah, Lil Nas X releasing shoes after... Who's a rapper? Okay, sorry. I didn't know how much we're explaining. Yes, Lil Nas X, a rapper.

Famous for Old Town Road, Panini, lots of good songs. Released a new song, Call Me By Your Name. Is that what it is? Fuck, Call Me By My Name? Am I mixing it up i don't know that movie okay we should not be doing this i this is your freaking idea don't look at me it's montero call me by your name is the name of the song the music video has sent waves through christian communities okay okay now i'm listening christina you gotta you haven't seen the video no i don't

know what you're talking about he's basically just like he's like grinding and dancing on satan it's a whole thing and then he like takes over i just opened my instagram and this picture came up is that yes that's accurate that's the video i'm already seeing the memes and i wouldn't have even understood what was happening the memes are incredible his you know what it's tweets about it it's tiktoks everything are incredible this photo uh is from my friend not all gemini's on instagram and she called she posted this photo and wrote aries season mood board so apparently we're on the same page here now okay i get it so and then melissa posted about the uh satan shoes which contain human blood okay is that real i like saw that in a headline oh the six design the design team of

the shoes uh so they used an already like they already used a nike shoe and then the design team came up with uh this design that's like satan and it has like a pentagram upside down cross and their blood the six people donated their own blood well i heard that that place in san francisco after their beyonce sermon is now doing a little non-sex service it's all making sense why like that guys are so uncomfortable to go to this satanic event satanic church yeah so it's basically like the eyes of christian it's like crime many christian people it's like they're going off on this ultimate thinking like oh my god like literally say you mean oh my gosh oh my sorry oh my gosh literally satanic right um and then there have been plenty of like i think the best

part that's come out of it are all the people on the other side there's this tweet here from at commie wife who tweeted christians be mad as fuck about the devil like they didn't make that motherfucker up like saying how outraged these people are it's like all because of their own what they've created exactly yeah right right right so anyway the point that we're trying to get to here is next week's episode is gonna be a little yeah and i definitely understand what that means i think we're gonna be reading reviews if we can find reviews of those shoes reviews of his new music video or like youtube comments uh reviews of the song a lot of christian forums we're gonna

explore uh really because i've already seen some wild really okay because he texted me i have an idea for next week and i was like i don't texted me, I have an idea for next week. And I was like, I don't know. We've never had an idea for next week this early on. I know. So I'm intrigued and scared. Honestly, seeing all these church reviews, I'm like, if people are saying these about churches, I want to see what these people have to say about-

Yeah, about Beyonce. I want to see what they have to say about Lil Nas X. It's not going to end well. Yeah. So I think this is going to be an interesting, unique episode uh an interesting unique episode and we'll see how it goes yeah we're gonna give it a go um if you have any that you've seen that you want to send in feel free as always and otherwise uh we'll see you next week unless we end up in the cry room yeah or John comes for us I was gonna say there's a lot of potential problems that might arise.

Yeah, we've come up with like some, we've crossed some people. We've hit a lot of nerves. I mean, we're no Lil Nas X, but we've hit a lot of nerves here probably. So if you don't hear from us, check out Cornwall. That might be where we are. Check out the basement. Go in the light room. I know we're asking a lot, telling you to go in the light room i know we're asking a lot telling you to

go in the light room but please what if we disappeared and then like someone goes to that place and sees like us painted on the walls like in a painting that's how they captured our souls holy crap stuck in ted's painting oh i can't wait um yeah so a Scooby-Doo episode. We'll be recording next week's episode live from Cornwall, from our paintings. Yeah, from our separate portraits. And Ted's eyes will be looking out for them. So get ready. Can't wait. Talk to you then.

Bye.