Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 129: Reviews of Obscure Museums

Episode Date: May 19, 2021

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. hello and welcome to beach shoe sandy water to it this is a podcast where we read the worst reviews wow what is our show called um written by the worst real people jesus welcome hi and with that we are excited that the lines are out the door. People are begging for tickets to this performance. With such an enticing description.

It's on the marquee. Hitting the charts. Anyway, hello everybody. Welcome to Beach, She's Sending Water to Wet. We're siblings who read shitty reviews from the internet. Yes. Oh, that's even better. Actually, yeah, we should just keep saying that.

I like that. That's so much better better you just came up with that okay the other one seems a little too much it's kind of countering countering you the one you said just now okay that one was just wrong oh wrong but our other normal one is too much flair yeah got it uh christina i am so excited for this this is probably going to be one of the weirdest ones i am so excited it is all over the place but weirdly within like for me i feel i'm all over the place but weirdly within the theme within the bounds of obscure museums is our theme today yes thank you to michelle for sending that one in um as of the time i researched this we had 34 emails which i believe is a record and i know i say this every time but absolutely i really think this is the most we've ever gotten um and i think i have the most reviews i've ever gotten so we should probably get into it unless we have an announcement we'll probably be posting

a patreon at bonus soon and between you and us at some point that's coming out so look out for those but right now just stay here you're stuck here that we're chilling got some merch still up there some exciting stuff the new t-shirts that we love um dolphins be wild and pin yeah that's about it yeah all very exciting all very exciting so much flair so much flair um let me i'm gonna start okay i'm taking the reins here this is first i'm starting with an email this is from maggie um maggie said as soon as i heard the theme i had to look up reviews of the mustard museum in middleton wisconsin mustard is my favorite food i used to tell people that i love mustard me too i love mustard um and this though is more

about the owner response i don't usually do things like this but um i don't know so here's the here's the first here's the review this is by joe two stars not much to it but if you need some mustard no better variety than this place and a review okay okay two stars just i mean not a great you know rating it sounds like a review of a wawa or a kroger but yeah i guess sure sure sure sure and then here's the response from the owner not much to it perhaps this visitor didn't bother to check out the museum with the world's largest collection of mustards and mustard memorabilia. We may not be the Louvre, but as far as condiment museums, we think we are pretty special. We're actually better than the Louvre.

We're actually better than the Louvre. Do you know we have more condiments than the Louvre? Than the Louvre has paintings, actually. Wow, I do like that it was kind of like, take a lot of this guy. Like, they stepped in front of him, and instead of responding to him, they responded to the world about him. Yeah. It's like, did you hear this guy?

This fella clearly didn't understand or appreciate. Yeah. Wow. I mean, it is... What was the first... How many stars was it? That was a two star. Oh, yeah.

That's not very nice. It was rude, kind of, to do that. I mean, it's a mustard museum i don't know what else you expect besides a lot of variety of mustard but all right i do have another one oh okay of the most yeah this one's a little long um so i'm gonna actually just cut out um because i yeah you'll see okay so this is a review of the Mustard Museum three-star review by Sammy. This museum was great, but it really discriminated against ketchup. As an open-minded individual, I'm fine with the idea of a mustard museum,

so long as it also has at least a small bit of respect for ketchup. I would not recommend this museum to ketchup supporters, as I feel it would offend them as much as it has offended me. I will not be returning to the Mustard Museum, but if you are a supporter of mustard or just interested in its history i would highly recommend this museum a supporter of mustard i mean i am fully a supporter of mustard i guess they're calling me out um so yeah you know just a goofy above ketchup clearly like well at least they joke it like they're yeah yeah yeah and there's a lot in the middle that i skipped but it's basically like how like how dare you be so anti mustard or anti ketchup at the mustard museum probably just like as a joke like okay yeah um we got another take a load of this guy then the owner says our battle with ketchup is tongue

in cheek and it is meant to be humorous and almost all of our visitors see it that way. Well, not all. You are the only visitor in 27 years to find a fence. For that, I apologize, but our good-natured fight with ketchup will continue. This war is not over. And it's not because the ketchup Sammy responded. Wait, how can you respond? You can edit your original one after getting the response.

Oh, okay. Here's what Sammy has to say. I don't think you understand how violent and misleading your museum's propaganda campaign against ketchup has been. Because of your establishment's blatant lying and fear-mongering, hundreds lay dead in the street, and all ketchup supporters can do is stand by and watch. You have single-handedly toppled the ketchup economy and this is a crime that cannot be forgiven i will be creating a resistance through which to stop your gross violation of our basic condiment rights expect us he's like no more mr nice guy i tried to tell you

subtly i know i'm open-minded and you just i mean but like now the owner has to realize this is a joke, right? I mean, come on. You know what? I wouldn't. Who the hell knows? Last I heard, they hired extra security at the museum. I heard they hired street sweepers to get all the bodies out of the road. Alexander, this is just batshit crazy. Also, like who who which bodies are whatever that's kind of the point you know it's like such as meant to be so goofy and then like

the owner takes it seriously the person like not just double down doubles down like quadruples down yeah I love it I love it so what sorry once again what was the star review that that was a three star I mean i know i like i personally when you leave a joke review i would much rather you leave five stars because unless you have like actually some sort of criticism because in that review they did they yeah please me that's what it's all about they did have some positive things to say about it yeah i feel like if you're joking you might as well be positive about it not piss off the owner yeah okay this is an email from taylor who uses she they pronouns thank you taylor who says it's finally my time to shine i got my

master's in public history to work in museums covet hit before i graduated and decimated the museum industry so i'm looking at museum reviews and crying instead nice i'm sorry i mean nice not nice here's a review of the American Museum of the House Cat. Ooh. See, that's it. There's so many. They are endless. That one surprised me.

I'm sure there are going to be more that you bring up that surprise me. They are endless. But I wouldn't be surprised if we have some crossover. Probably. There are so many that I'm bummed I didn't find any good ones because the museums were so bananas. True. True.

One star by Trip of the american museum of the house cat let me start by saying i was forced to stop by my wife i am not a cat person but if you are then this is your disneyland end of review cool four star one star oh fuck i thought you said four one star so it's like for its purpose. It serves its purpose. It's for cat people. In a very great way. And it is your Disneyland cat. And you're giving it one star despite saying... Well, there's a response.

Just because you don't like cats. Okay. From owner. I'll let them respond. Our battle with ketchup is to... No, I'm just kidding. Okay. Owner says,

Reviews matter to us at the American Museum of the House Cat. We also know not everyone that passes through our art gallery will be an avid cat lover. So the fact that you chose to stop for your wife says something very special about you. Boo. I mean, I respect it, but boo. Too nice. This person does not deserve these niceties. Our move took the entire year of 2020.

We thought we'd be open by now. However, we are closer than we were in January. We hope the reason for the one star is because we are still closed. I don't think that's the reason. No. We do plan on reopening and welcoming guests back inside. We tripled our space and are in the finishing stages of completing our move. Thank you again for stopping and taking the time to post on our Google My Business account.

As soon as we have a date available, we will announce our plans on our social media and websites end of response so a little too positive for what they deserve that but then again they've used this opportunity they took it as an opportunity and i respect it i have a feeling a lot of our listeners are cat people, because, I mean, as a cat person myself... Wait, where is this located? That's a great question that I don't have an answer to. Don't worry, I'm Googling it. Okay, good. It is in Jackson County, North Carolina.

They would not have guessed that. Oh, my God. The photo, it says, Be a Cat Museum Endowment Fund Donor. Christina, look at this picture. Let me see. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. They have MS Paint. it says be of cat museum endowment fund donor christina look at this picture let me see oh my god oh my god they have ms paint just kidding i'm sorry that was rude i couldn't do that in ms paint so if they did wow okay this place looks amazing except for the like petrified

or mummified cat what not even joking oh no nope i don't like that oh maybe multiple that's the only part that trip liked yeah true but like i don't know yeah it is like cat there's so much cat stuff in here it's so cool it's like a dream can you imagine being that different from your spouse that they're such a cat person they go to cat disneyland and you are such a not cat person that you absolutely detest cat disneyland how are are such a not cat person that you absolutely detest cat disneyland how are you going to stay together with that kind of a rapport it's not going to work that's not what paula abdul thinks oh my god opposite yeah yeah yeah yeah i get it thank you you're welcome next review um next review okay that's another email. This is from Nicholas.

He, him? Nicholas and a bunch. I thought you were making up a name because you paused and I was like, we don't make up names for the people who write the reviews. That's not how that works. Nicholas is real. Nicholas is real. Okay.

Sorry. When I opened up my phone, it was so differently formatted. So now I'm like trying to find the review. Take your time. I'm actually becoming an endowment fund donor. I feel like they could have used like a pun like in meowment fund. In meowment fund? That's too much.

Meowseum? No. Okay, I'll work on it. Mew is how like cats meow in like other languages. Like an M-E mew kind of sounds a museum a museum that's good that's good that's good luxander they went to burning man 2019 the cats did this museum the whole museum opened like it's a traveling no i don't know it just has a little label says burning man 2019 yeah i wonder if they like had they brought things in a

van or something and opened up a mini version of their museum at burning man that would make sense okay i'm ready when you are okay so nicholas sent multiple but what really caught my eye was the america's credit union museum because it's not just a commercial yeah i that's something that i'm like i don't even know like people i don't know i don't know why it exists but neither does anyone else apparently uh so here's a review this is a two-star review by pat really a museum for this okay someone took the statement build it and they shall come, a little too seriously. I'm sorry, the only reason we came here was to really check out that someone would put the time into building this place. More looks like someone needed a tax write-off.

Small, dated, and nothing really to look at. End of review. Kind of genius. I mean, if that's the case, yeah, yeah yeah yeah i mean probably really stupid but in my mind very genius i mean i don't understand it though why like is it interesting i mean it's not interesting it's a pretty looking building from the outside i don't know much of its history but the museum received a 25 000 grant from the national credit union foundation in 2008 to expand its financial education program okay so it has like financial education program i hope so but then they made it something they call it a non-profit museum for tax credit yeah that makes a lot of sense but like when i don't

understand i don't really know when it became you know a museum their theme song is go to the general and save some time is that a credit union i don't know the first is, go to the general and save some time. Is that a credit union? I don't know. The first floor pays tribute to the founding era of the credit union from 1908 to 1933. Then the second floor has historical artifacts beginning from 1934 featuring the Estes Park Conference that created CUNA, which is the Credit Union National Association. I'm already bored. And the 1934 federal credit union you know there are a lot of dads who love this place okay there are a lot of dads who love this place this is it's a beautiful building though uh it sounds thrilling

it is so beautiful thrilling stuff okay nicholas i was pleased with that i'm very pleased with it i'm not pleased with the museum but i'm pleased with that. Nicholas, I'm very pleased with it. I'm not pleased with the museum, but I'm pleased with your review. Thank you. And Nicholas actually is the docent there, so. Nicholas is the general. Okay. This is an email from Nikki.

So Nikki says, hi, Sheefer Sibs. Love your podcast so much that I re-listen to episodes often and now giggle every time i floss thinking of the cost benefit analysis okay so they also say i look forward to every wednesday now my outbox is filled with suggestion emails to you i hope i'm not being too annoying emailing you all the time no it's very helpful please keep emailing us thank you uh so this is a review of the museum of art fakes in vienna. Yeah, it would be in Vienna. I would want to go to that. So this is a review plus a response from owner.

This is the review. It's one star by Martin, who's a local guide. A poor museum, really small and almost nothing. End of review. Here's the response from owner. Then you did not understand it. With like 85 dot, dot, dot with like 85 dot dot dot dot dots so what how else would a viennese museum respond to a review then you did not understand you simply did not understand yep you know who says that who mom doesn't she say that a lot like usually

more like a joke like she's not serious don't get it yeah yep she says all the time like we'll say mom that makes no sense then you just don't get it that's so gaslighting too of like okay okay well sorry i thought you were in therapy i got confused for a moment um i i don't know i can't think of a time when she's seriously no no no but i'm saying like that's so gaslighting of like, oh, I didn't really like it. It was too small. Like you just didn't. Yeah.

No, it is. You are the only one who doesn't get it. Absolutely. Everyone else gets it. Anyway. It's like the whole mustard and ketchup thing. Yeah. You're the only one 27 years who didn't understand.

Burn the streets down. Yeah. Start a war. The war has already begun. Wait for us. Expect us. Expect us. Wait for us.

Just wait. Wait up. Wait a minute. Wait up over there, Mr. Mustard. I ate too much for lunch. I'm a little sleepy. Okay. Now it's time for my own research.

Oh. I'm moving on from emails. I only picked two. Here is a review of the icelandic phallological museum oh yeah the penis museum excuse me it's the icelandic phallological someone emailed us and said dick museum so i feel like mine's at least slightly more okay although somebody did email us about this so i didn't read it but because i just scammed maybe i should go and see if they included this review sorry um i'm just like scrolling through quick just type in dick museum i'm serious oh iceland dick museum anyway erin she heard who is a level five local guide oh

oh i'm so sorry that i slighted you almost imagine if we hadn't read i'm sweating we would have been in deep trouble yeah there's some good one okay no but yeah i picked a different one okay this is a review by yvonne one star did you have to use my godmother's name i know i know i saw your face look at me real because their Because their name starts with Y, and I couldn't come up with any other. Their last name starts with Y, and I couldn't come up with any other thing. I was like, Yvonne's a normal name, and then I remembered you're doing the penis museum. Yeah, and I was like, yikes. Okay, maybe that was a mistake.

Well, we're sticking to it. Okay. This is a one-star review. Total waste of money. The museum is super small, not much thing to see and they charge you 1700 isk that's about 13 us dollars if you supper interested in penises of different animals it might be good for you but for normal people i don't think a tour in the museum would be pleasant to be honest if you ever come to new york i highly recommend the museum of sex it is much much better and much more

interesting than this one end of review jeez kind of nasty yeah and also like don't compare new york city museums okay to like smaller countries museums yeah recuvec you got nothing on new york that's what christine say that what recuvec recuavik oh my gosh I think so I never really said it out loud Iceland right but I love how you're like don't compare these cities to New York I know how you meant it no I'm saying people from New York okay not to just generalize New York but some people talking about museums specifically like to compare like the MoMA to the Idaho Museum of Art and say back in my town and it's like true that is a different caliber of challenge of that it was yeah and it's and they said I made stuff like this in third grade and it was like okay that's its own uh insult but but the the comparing

to New York like I'm sorry that's just the the that doesn't yeah and also it's not a fair comparison Museum of Sex i don't know i mean i have a review of it next because i decided to like we had a review of that before too but um what someone said they were too short for them they wish it was more appropriate for short people and we couldn't figure out if they meant like they couldn't read the oh things or if there were no short people on display i don't remember that oh my god but yeah like they're very different i don't know like this is literally a bunch of penises from different animals in a room i mean it's just silly it's fun just i think it sounds well i don't know it's very

serious to me oh it's very serious yeah but it's not fun i'm not a normal person me neither oh i thought you had i thought you were reading that I can do that next This is a review of the Museum of Sex This is by David One Star Paid money for a museum But experienced an X-rated Chuck E. Cheese Expected a plethora Of information on sex

With fun twists But was left disappointed with overpriced drinks the free gift shop was more educational than the museum itself avoid end of review this place sounds amazing um yeah i read that and i'm like where's the complaint okay overpriced drinks but you're in new york get over it um they have drinks yeah they have drinks, first of all? Yeah, they have drinks, so get over it. A free gift shop. Like, literally an X-rated Chuck E. Cheese. Wow. Sign me up. So for the person who reviewed the Icelandic Dick Museum, they're saying, oh, normal people

like the Museum of Sex, the X-rated Chuck E. Cheese. That's more my speed and a normal person's speed. But looking at a whale penis, so inappropriate. True. Yeah, they seem very, I don't know, judgy of the penis museum. Very judgy. To give some more context into this, the owner responded, it's very boring and nice, so I'm not reading it, but they said that their main exhibition at that point is called Super Fun

Land, which they call their erotic carnival. Shut up. So they offer fun and unique interactive they offer fun and unique interactive experiences for their guests oh my god i get it now it must be this tall to ride that person that's what it was that must be it yeah and then they said as far as drink prices go it's manhattan like we're pretty similar sorry can't can't change that i don't know it's like it's their current thing too like i it feels so shitty to their current exhibit yeah if you go to like i remember when i was younger going to the

um cincinnati museum of modern art or whatever it's called it's not called that uh yeah the one downtown it's not called that cincinnati art museum no the one downtown cincinnati contemporary art center yeah that one the one like cac it's the contemporary art cac is what i call it in my head i call it cock cock because it's a fancy way of saying cac cock um anyway uh i saw a shepherd fairy um oh exhibit there and so they had a whole thing on shepherd fairy and it's like that's just my is that the story are you just bragging about seeing a shepherd no but like i couldn't imagine going there and doing a one-star review saying like your whole thing was shepherd fairy i can't like this is this whole place is just a shepherd fairy place like here this person's saying your whole thing's an x-rated

chucky cheese it's like no that's just our current main exhibition right now exhibition wink exhibition wink yeah yeah you know what i mean i know what you mean okay thank you i'm on your wavelength okay this was sent in by courtney who uh it's a one-star review of the international ufo museum in roswell new mexico i could have guessed that one okay all right right i should probably let you guess this is is a once-review by Frank. I was very disappointed to have came all the way to Roswell and experienced this. I guess I was expecting

more, a lot more, and did not enjoy my visit at all. The coolest thing about this place was the guy at the front taking your $5 to get in. He asked for my zip code and I gave it to him and he was like, oh, Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Lots of corn. Okay.

Well, that is a little weird. Before I read the rest, I'm just going to say to you, you know how some people like to create conspiracy theories where there probably aren't any? Yes. Very much so, yes. So that's kind of, just keep that in mind he was like oh cedar rapids iowa

lots of corn strange because he didn't type anything into a computer there wasn't even one around prior to that he was asking an azen family what language they spoke when they replied he started to speak their language to them crazy i. I will crawl never come back to Roswell. There's nothing around here that would bring me back to the middle of nowhere. End of review. But I still think of that man often. He's actually the alien that abducts me. I think he really thinks this man's an alien.

Like he seemed so weirded out by this. That's what I'm gathering at least. That's what I'm inferring from this is like that's what i'm gathering at least um that's what i'm inferring from this is that he really thinks like how would he know about cedar rapids without typing it into there wasn't also i love that there wasn't even a computer around he would have been able to tell like he'd be able to feel feel the uh elect electrical waves and stuff coming from the computers no so the guy like he what the guy. No, so the guy, like he... What?

The guy knew there was no computer around because otherwise he would have been able to like sense their presence because all the magnetic fields and stuff. I thought that the guy was the alien. Which one's the alien now? Now I'm confused. No, no, no.

The employee's the alien. But the guy with the conspiracy theories is the one weirded out by computers. What are you talking about? This is such a stupid joke. What are you talking about? I don't want to have to explain it. It's so stupid.

I thought we were saying that the guy who works there is an alien. We are. Oh, okay. But I'm saying the guy is like, I can tell there's, and there is no computer around. And my thinking is, oh, he's saying because normally he feels their presence or something no because because he's like oh computers they make me so sick and they're like yeah yeah like a flat earther what the fuck does flat okay flat remember that flat earther thing i challenge i did where it turns out all these flat earthers also believe that like they're also

anti-semitic i know and that the wires in the internet like cause cancer or whatever oh maybe yeah like 5g tower yeah things yes sure let's go with that okay let's let's peg this guy as a flatter I don't know I was talking about the employee being an idiot so just let me be also like he spoke two languages which there's no other explanation for that in my opinion if you know about Iowa there's no way no those things like one or the other could have made sense, but combined. It's impossible. Impossible. Also, the reason I said Asian family so weird is he spelled it A-S-A-I-N.

So just to clarify. Okay. And. Oh, God. Also, I love that his idea of an alien is that he knows where the corn is. Your idea of his idea of an alien, yes. His idea of an alien is that he says, there's a lot of corn. That's strange.

He didn't even have a computer to look that up. Well, crop circles. Oh, my God, you're right. I am such a fool. Yes, you are. I am such a fool yes you are i am such a fool you're right he literally knew that there was a girl circle uh haven in cedar rapids iowa i was in an incredible can you imagine being like oh cedar rapids and then the guy's like looking around for a laptop or a phone or computer being like how did you know that happened to me a lot with like like

my 513 area code four or five blah blah blah zip code yeah yeah people in whether i was in la or just traveling people were like oh cincinnati i'm like yeah that's why oxenner has no friends because every time someone recognized that he called he called the alien authorities and said i found another one and got removed from the premises and they say this is a police stop calling us this is not this is a local los angeles police department please stop but to be fair usually they give an explanation like oh like my boyfriend's from there and has that as his area code that's true stuff like that like they'll give they'll give like an explanation as to why instead of just being like oh i know where that is yeah yeah and and also to be fair he asked the family what language they spoke and then spoke it supposedly spoke okay actually we don't we

might have just been mocking it and this guy was like huh what a genius two languages what a genius okay but also that's a good point but also the implication here is that this alien knows how to just like up and speak Mandarin or Cantonese, but can't figure out where they're from or what they're speaking until he asks. True. It's kind of not a really great skill unless you can actually, you know, figure that out before having to ask. I don't know. I'm not this. I guess I'll just say it right

now i'm not that impressed by this alien christina that's how they do it they lay low like this i know they lay low and they you're caught off guard right now tonight watch out i'll sooner stop it i'm just saying don't go to sleep i'm just saying i live too close to corn to be messing with this okay I have one now this is from the salt and pepper shaker museum oh yeah this is a that's in Gatlinburg Tennessee one star by uh Susan so the first thing you see is this sign which reads reads oh sorry i just realized how they put they put one what the hell okay so my confusion is justified they put a word that's not on the sign in caps along with all the words i see so the word reads like they're saying the sign which reads yes and then all caps would have the song no i understand the word reads, like they're saying the sign, which reads. Yes, yes, yes. And then all caps would have the sign.

No, I understand. But the word reads is also caps. Right. So it looks like that's part of the sign. Like on the bookmarks from the library. Yes. Okay, got it. I'm picturing it.

Okay, so I'm going to read it how it's presented to me. So the first thing you see is the sign, which reads, put on your mask now. I should have known what was coming. The mean grumpy man behind counter blurts out $3.50 per person. Doesn't tell us that the shakers are not for sale. Then when we get to the end and I showed him what I wanted. Oh my god! They're just taking shit out of the museum?

Alexander. It's not. It's literally called a museum. Like. Alexander. You go in there show me what i wanted and yeah like they're not behind like glass or anything but there are a fuck ton of salt and pepper shakers all around this room neither is the fucking sarcophagus at the cincinnati museum

center i don't say hi i want this king tut for my living room like what are you talking about i want this oh it's terrible then when we get to the end and i showed him what i wanted he was angry because i was unaware they were not for sale so i looked through gift shop and found a pair i wanted asked him the price have a gift shop and you are trying to take it from the museum yes literally i'm like and you're probably not even wearing a mask properly so you're probably breathing all over it he's he wants you gone i can't do this asked him the price and he shouts the price is on the tag in the showcase mind you i just left smelled like old dusty attic anyways if you like

being verbally abused have at it end of review i didn't want that salt and shaker salt and pepper shaker anyway can you fucking imagine i cannot imagine being do you think this person was alone or with the family because somebody had to have said mom this is a museum do you think that has happened before or do you think this is the first also which ones do you think they wanted oh god how many do you think they i have so many questions that i will never get answers to um so many lemon ones strawberry man they have like all the like different sections with different fruits and in the orange section there are tropicana like uh carton shakers well there were they're not there anymore i but i imagine that um this person wanted the uh the like monks like something or something religious yeah i doubt them they're probably the crosses probably not the monks easter bunnies that's what caught my eye they're nuns as well i

don't know um i don't think um i think catholics have learned from a young age to not touch things true because um things in churches are so shiny and you're not allowed to touch them so i don't know i don't know they just learned to touch the wrong things um unfortunate anyway i showed him what i wanted i will never get over that uh can you imagine it's like someone coming to your house and being like i'd like to take these home please it's like someone coming to your house and being like, I'd like to take these home, please. It's like, that's cat food. I don't know. You can't grocery shop at my house. Look at my collection.

How much? It's like, what? Actually, you can grocery. Now I'm changing my mind. You can grocery shop at my house if you want. There's nothing here I want. Oh, okay. Thank you, though.

You're welcome. No, actually, wait. Do you have any Sour Patch Kids? Actually, I do. I'm sure you do. They're literally in that box right there it'll cost you okay this is a review jenny sent in a review and i actually just got chills because i didn't realize what was on the following page when i read the ufo review this is a review of the world's only corn palace did we have a review of that before? Yes, we did. Cool. It was a one-star review by Mary.

Uh-oh. It's a big bird feeder. Ads are very misleading. It's a joke. Response from owner. It was free, though. Yes. Thank you.

Dot, dot, dot, by the way. Thank you. I love all the owners with the dot, dot, dots. Like, you dummy. dummy like that's when you know they have like younger people i assume like the things like this it's like it's free though like you just didn't get it you just did okay that one is i don't know what that person was but it's one of those um those fancy european men with like the really rectangle glasses yikes the bald head a lot of blue button downs uh so it's a big bird feeder i did kind of like that though because it kind of does sound like a giant it does and it probably is um that's not worthy of let's feed our birds everybody

let's feed our birds yeah as long as there's not like glue all over it like how i used to eat the jelly beans off of mrs yarnell's paintings gross and then i found out there's spray paint on them um so maybe be careful birds be careful birds but it is free though it's free though chill everybody chill mary my next one i want you to i don't know if you know about this. This is a Museum of American War Atrocities. Oh my God. Do you know where it is? It could be many, many different places. My brain, there's a file of facts in my brain going really rapidly through all the possibilities.

Okay, my guesses are Texas, USA. Okay. Kentucky, USA. usa okay um kentucky usa really of american war atrocity oh you're saying so you're saying like uh uh no you're right that doesn't make sense new york city i don't know oregon i don't know north korea hey you're right i am right i know it's a file of facts i was on the wrong section i think you were thinking like actually no no that's the thing though too is like yeah i could once you said texas i'm like oh i meant like um like the union i was in a parallel universe where the united states um

is very self-aware and you know cognizant of its misgivings and misdo misdeeds um and then i came back to this planet and realized oh wait that would never exist in the united states but you're right i kind of was thinking civil war yes in the south you know but um but now i get it now this really you're right this they could honestly oxen are we could franchise and probably open this to like every country in the world well the problem is yeah and actually some people basically reviewed based on that um i didn't include that but um their franchise no some people basically said it's one star because you didn't include like actual atrocities um Because this is about the Sinchon Massacre.

It sounds like an atrocity to me. I mean, I don't know. It's an alleged massacre. So an alleged atrocity. It's something that only the North Korean government actually says happened. And they accused South Korea and the U.Ss of participating in said oh dear okay okay i got you i got you but other countries are like well actually it was the north koreans who did it like so it was this whole thing i don't really know um i don't really know i cannot i'm not a

historian nor do i know shit about the k War, nor do I know shit about this. I like how you said, I'm not a historian, which is the top of the line. And then, nor do I know jackal about literally anything, which is just the widest expanse of not knowing anything. Definitely should have gone the opposite and ended with, you know what? I'm not even a historian. I don't know anything about history in general, which is true. It would shock you to believe.

Shocking. I got a four on the AP Euro exam. That would shock me. No, I'm just just kidding it did shock me it shocked mom and everybody else too i always believed in you bullshit i didn't not believe in you i didn't know enough you didn't care i didn't care that's what it is um was it was your essay on the sinchan massacre yes i said i have a great franchising opportunity for you please call me i'm sorry good okay here and so one thing that it has a bunch of murals of supposed torture and deaths and it sounds like pawnee indiana you should see the american sneeze it is like if this actually was something americans did it would not be remotely funny whatever like but i'm sorry some of these

murals are like so they just really exaggerated yeah i i don't know like maybe it's not what are they of um atrocities like beheadings i'm trying to understand here's a some american soldiers pulling a tooth out of a lady oh my oh my god oh i thought it was going to be like a mural like made out of nice pebbles it's like a painting like a literal fresco yeah um of people pulling teeth out of somebody uh-huh alexander oh my god who painted this i don't want to know i don't want to know either um oh my god but yeah there's articles and it's like 16 there's an article when you google it it says 16 disturbing pictures from inside north korea's anti-america museum so who's allowed to review

this on the internet is what i want to anyone on google except for north koreans probably um but yeah there are all sorts of like torture paintings and like all sorts of like wild i it's disturbing stuff sure anyway um but some of them are just so bonkers i'm like what the heck let me just read this review this this review is a three-star review terrible food and customer service but i did like the dismembered corpses terrible food hang on they're serving food at this joint apparently overpriced drinks um overpriced must be this tall to enter and the response was you're anywhere here in north korea the drinks are this expensive we're right in line with other places other other museums of american war atrocities oh three six two five two is that cedar rapids iowa wow there's a lot of

corn that if that museum was in north korea and you go there and give the north korean like employee your zip code and they know you're from cedar rapids i'd be a little bit like what actually i'd be like yeah you probably know a lot more about me than I think you know about me. You probably know a lot of secret intel, like where the corn grows in the United States. And then here's, I'm just going to read the other one. This is a redemption of sorts. This is five stars. Great.

Met the big man himself here. The displays are very child friendly. met the big man himself here the displays are very child friendly the only thing i would say that lacked was the cafe which consisted of 60 year old american rations oh my god i was like why is nobody telling me what food uh okay here we go i don't know if they actually have food um i assume these are 99 of those people that reviewed it did not actually go. I imagine the place deletes a lot of the reviews. Well, I don't think... Oh, can they probably not do that?

Yeah, because I don't know if they actually are tied to this Google page. I mean, it is, but I don't know if there's an employee there who's using Google businesses to change anything. Yeah, who knows? There are 46 reviews an average rating of 2.2 stars um the ones that i hated the most were the americans in there who were like lies like we would never do this and i'm just like shit like that and i'm like jesus christ you would never pull out someone's tooth maybe you should uh do some self-reflecting i'm not saying this happened have you heard warm 98 but guess what there's some more stuff that we've done what yes i have

why do we bring warm 98 up i'm just saying like as an american you're like we would never do this have you listened to warm 98 after 9-11 when all we did was talk about how beautiful our families are and how the flag waves and the breeze and the corn and the yada yada yada i don't think you understand yeah how gentle of people we are we are so gentle yeah we're in the wind trees bushes oh so on what are we doing in there did you say we are in we're in the yes take a look around i'm the sunshine in your hair i'm the shadow on the ground oh it's that song again where have you been yeah i i purpose every time i bring that song gets brought up i like try hard for days after to repress this is my own form of psychological torture that i do on you i'm gonna paint a fresco of it in this room right here so you never forget i'm gonna put it right behind my dilbert

m&m machine so you'll never forget um okay this is um an email from emily he's she her this is probably a place okay i hope it's a place thanks emily i'm trying to be that alien guy i'm like this could possibly be a place in the world um this is a place i'm sure you what is happening i don't even know what to joke about because it's just so wild it's a it's the rosicrucian egyptian museum excuse me the rosicrucian egyptian museum the rosicrucian what are you saying not rosa like rosa parks what are you what words are you spell the words out why is it so wild you're like what is happening what is going on just like the word tabernacle like it's a tabernacle that i learned in catholic school but i don't know what it means i okay just like i don't

know what tabernacle i think a tabernacle isn't that like where they have i don't know what the body of christ is in the tabernacle or some shit i'm looking up rosicrucian i'm looking up tabernacle how do you not know this oh wait it's the wait rosicrucianism is like where the ark of the covenant was a four on the ap exam rosicrucianism is a spiritual and cultural movement that arose in europe in the early 17th century after the publication of several texts that purported to announce the existence of a hitherto unknown esoteric order to the world and made seeking its knowledge attractive to many um i love a good hitherto unknown esoterical entity what i think that actually they took that from my ap exam essay oh uh by the tabernacle an ornamental receptacle or cabinet in which a pyx p-y-x containing the reserved sacrament may be placed in catholic churches the reserved sacrifices are in there okay Okay, this is the Rosicrucian Egyptian Museum.

And it comes from a member, this review comes from a member of the Yelp elite named Henry M. That's what Emily told us. How do you spell this? R-O-S-I-C-R-U-C-I-A-N. Oh, Rosicrucian. That's literally what I said. Don't act like I didn't say that. You're saying rosa christian

no i wasn't you were saying rosa parks over and over i never said parks you said parks no okay this is uxner listen to my review this is by henry m one star where is it where is this in egypt um i don't know where it is rosa crucian. Egyptian Museum. It's in San Jose, California. That was my second guess. That was, yeah. It was in your file effects. It was just two pieces of file effects. It's once in Egypt, once in San Jose.

Okay. One star. Staff was friendly but childish. A couple of them were playing with coloring book pictures. But still they were kind in a weird way. Really could not put my finger on it. 3.5 stars. Outside looks very cult-like with, in my opinion, lots of wasted space. There is a nice fountain you can

relax around and eat lunch at if you're in the area. There is a koi pond with one foot-long, that's in quotes, foot-long koi fish and a bunch of little ones. I was not impressed. Outside grounds, 2 stars. The inside has lots of relics, some real, some fake. There are a couple of dark rooms upstairs with fake relics that are set up to look like a worship room. Way too satanic for me. Zero stars. We went in the planetarium where I saw a collection of their paraphernalia on their occult beliefs. It was all I could stand. I turned around and walked out out i went home and did some research on them turns out i'm not far off the mark they are definitely an occult and believe in mysticism zero stars this is one guy who's not going to drink your kool-aid

spelled c-o-o-l because he wanted to make it clear that he would drink kool-aid like the actual thing but if you're offering kool-aid i'll drink it yeah uh to be clear this is one guy who's not going to drink your kool-aid i will never go back stay away from this place end of review wow also i love how proud he is that he got it right when he was inside a museum telling him exactly what it was um yeah exactly turns out i was not far off the mark about what this religion really is after reading everything that they had to offer after all the plaques that they put up on the wall it turns out i actually guessed correctly and

seeing the weird ass fountain outside have you seen what the fountain looks like oh did you google it yeah i was on their wikipedia page is it really a foot long koi fish i don't see the koi fish i just see what's the statue. Okay, show me the fountain. But it looks like a pissing frog. I just texted it to you. Oh my God. Look, see the pee?

Or maybe it's actually not peeing, but it makes it, the picture makes it look like it's currently peeing. Wow. Oh, I like it. That's good to know. Your birthday's coming up. I don't know. It sounds cool.

Planetarium, dark rooms. Okay, that's a good point they have a fucking planetarium like worship center i mean it sounds really cool to me yeah you also said the same thing about scientology when you went there huh i did not um i got a stress test there and they insulted me here this is from britannica.com rosicrucian teachings are a combination of occultism and other religious beliefs and practices, including Hermeticism, Jewish mysticism, and Christian Gnosticism. The central feature of Rosicrucianism is the belief that its members possess secret wisdom that was handed down to them from ancient times. Okay.

You do you. Whatever. As long as you're not hurting anyone, I guess. They're only hurting Henry M. Oh, yeah, true. For Henry M's sake, I need you to shut everything down. Yeah. Just everything.

The fountain is going to stop peeing.eing yeah that's the worst part about it the fish are going belly up stop okay you don't have to kill them jesus oh it's so sad let me have a let me do a redemption this is my last one okay this is of the british lawnmower museum in south port united kingdom this is one of those where i was like I really want to find a review from here. Because Christina, this place looks fucking cool. It's just a bunch of lawnmowers. Yeah, I kind of guessed that. But it's like really cute and quaint.

Oh, I bet. And it's like really cool on the outside. It's like all green. But then yeah, inside they have all sorts of mowers. And there's some pictures where they like have them placed outside in the field like all their mowers together and it's like yeah it's pretty cool anyway do they actually what if they're they didn't actually remember to mow the lawn and there's just like weeds everywhere or do they mow the lawn with the actual mowers i assume they do there's just so many layers to this okay you got one one layer

listed yep okay what's the next one well there's so many i want to hear them all there's one big koi fish that's another layer here's a five-star review from lenny of the british lawnmower museum cosmic experience should be a national heritage site end of review it should be a national heritage site yeah also i hear they have a planetarium too oh yeah what happens there you look at the constellations that look like lawnmowers oh i thought you look at their occult mysticism we don't talk about that side of the lawnmower museum oh i see that's that's a level three that's actually you gotta you gotta earn that information it's actually ancient teachings handed down from ancestors it's uh handed down by uh edwin bear

budding oh who was granted the first the patent for the first mechanical lawnmower in 1830 so this is me actually splitting off into the anglican church because I'm going to say, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I started nodding and I just couldn't keep it together because I'm actually going to say that my ancestor, John Deere actually is the one who handed me the teachings. So much like, I thought you were going to say,

cause you want to get a divorce. I also want to get a divorce. Our lawnmower religion does not allow for divorce oh my god i want to get a divorce and also i'm related to john deere i think okay okay now this is another review from emily uh as she says the review for the folsom prison museum comes from sylvie n who is unfortunately not part of the yelp elite and was also hoping to tour an active prison with prisoners in it oh my god here we go one star oh my god a talking dummy in a prison cell more like a bad wax museum hmm and seriously you don't expect me to believe that's what the

prison cells look like inside today that's's a dungeon from 1908, dude. Too bad there was no tour guide to answer that question. That's not a question, but okay. Sorry, just realizing. Too bad there was no tour guide to answer that question and a host of many others that came to me. After having toured the so-called museum and long before they'd closed down the gift shop,

I asked the guy behind the counter, how do I get a tour of the actual prison? and he replies very matter-of-factly you get yourself a fifth of jack daniels and you go speeding down highway 50 i'll never forget that gift shop and i wish i would have bought something made by the prisoners there r.i.p gift shop end of review oh so there's that yeah how do i go inside the actual prison he wants to know what what do you think they're like it's like a fucking zoo yeah right and what they are behind bar like literally exactly yeah but yeah like animals as well like animals which says a lot about how we treat animals too but whatever regardless this is an ad for did you go did i i with school i went to the since the prison downtown like the in cincinnati i know because

they handed you a bottle of jack daniels and said i don't know why i think it was like some weird scared straight thing we did that too i think but i think i forgot about it i think i blacked it out they they gave us the opportunity to try the loaf. There's a thing if you're bad, you get fed this loaf. Oh, no. You're talking about they have a room next to cafeteria at the school,

and they bring kids in there and say, this is prison. They told us it was prison. It was a Catholic school. Eat this banana loaf. this is all you get oh it wasn't sweet enough oh no we like legit went down there and went into the fucking prison our school was so messed up why i don't know why what why did we do that because i learned nothing it sounds like you learned a lot no i, I learned nothing. They really, but guess what?

What? I forgot about that. I read all those alumni newsletters. I've never seen anyone ended up in prison in those. So maybe it works. All I see is so-and-so had a sixth baby. Congratulations. No one bad.

Is that all you have? No, I have more. Keep it up. Okay, good. I'm ready ready i kind of have a lot i'm sorry this is an email from jeanette um or as you like say gian gianna uh is she her pronouns who says i was super excited to hear this was a topic because i'm an archivist at the local museum in my town i mean people i just people have such cool jobs making wait a second sorry no no no rewind you're making fun of the way I said j-e-a-n-n-e right yeah g yeah and but the way that you're pronouncing this name is different than how you pronounce j-e-a-n-n-e yeah that's just gene yeah so shut up okay it was you're just shoehorning insults now okay no you're right i messed that one up and i'm

embarrassed by it obviously i'm very defensive gianette hello sorry what does gianette do for work i told you an archivist i know i i told you i was not ready for that moment yet because i had to still address the i'm an archivist the local museum my town so i get to work with cool and sometimes very strange historical artifacts this is a review of the st louis city museum and she wrote disclaimer the name is pretty deceiving because it's more of a huge playground best for fun loving adults and older kids it's full of cool rooms with random sculptures and passageways to crawl through and even a slide that goes three stories down like an r-rated chucky cheese yeah like middle of the road chucky. Maybe PG-13.

I went with friends when I was an undergrad, but apparently it has some new owners who don't take as good care of it as the previous ones. This is a one-star review by William. Very dangerous place. I fell off the roof. What? And I didn't believe it until I read her description of all the slides, and I thought,

I think William actually fell off the roof yeah i think so i think william fell off the roof as a clumsy person myself i guess i shouldn't be judging uh this is a review sent in by carrie he's she here thank you it's a review of the civil war tales at the Homestead Diorama Museum. Okay. That's a thing, I guess. That's a new one. Homestead Diorama. This is a two-star review by Annie.

Great for cat lovers. Not so much for history lovers. Although the host was very kind... I was like, I thought they were just going to say that. I'm like, why? Like, what? Oh, you'll find out. Okay. Although the host was very kind, I found it very hard to get over the fact that the dioramas were made up of cats just not sure why wouldn't we do that oh my god

christina there is a museum for every interest or non-interest under the sun christina i fucking googled it it's literally like instead of little people, it's like miniature cats. I know, you're not supposed to google it. I'm sorry. Don't look at it anymore. I'm sorry. I found it hard to get over the fact that the dioramas, I will never get over it by the way, just letting you know, that the dioramas were made up of cats. Just not sure why one would do that. Although I didn't have any children along, I just kept thinking how I would have to explain to them that the soldiers were actually men, not cats. Your kitten, it's so...

Juniper just walked in the room like you called. Oh my gosh. You rang? Our Civil War soldier is here. Oh my god, he actually is the incarnated Ulysses S. Grant. I mean, what? Why would you have to explain that? I don't think that...

What have you been teaching your children up to this point? Children believe that it's actually cats. Miniature cats. I mean, I guess, though, if they've read um warrior cats and like read the red wall series damage those books have done to youths shit christina it's actually really tragic we shouldn't talk about it although i didn't have any children along but by the way like i love when people pose these hypothetical situations that are so far from reality like they don't even have children or they're not there but yeah what if although i didn't have any children along i just kept thinking

how i would have to explain to them that the soldiers were actually men not cats almost seems to take away from how somber this event in history was i was going to give only one star but the diorama of anderson was excellent cost for tour way too high. End of review. Oh my God. And this is the response from owner. Thank you for your honest reviewing, Annie S. Boo. We are always happy to answer any questions you may have about the dioramas or how they came about.

I think Annie's question was, why? The end. And this is why. I mean, okay, fair. But this is why i didn't want you to google it oh i haven't i don't know anything about okay because it's spelled civil war tales t-a-i-l oh my god i didn't even notice that i'm literally on civil war tales.com and it didn't occur to me yeah i didn't notice it either and i went cats oh my god so unless you're a uh very astute reader i suppose of signs yeah i don't think you have're a very astute reader, I suppose, of signs.

I don't think you have to be too astute. We just didn't get it. I guess I just mean like if you just see, oh, Civil War Diorama Museum, you go in and you're like, wait, what? Cats? Like it didn't maybe occur to you? Yeah. It is just.

But I also love that instead of the owner saying, this is why we do cats they're like we're always happy to let you know yeah we're not going to yeah but if you're curious come back and talk to us so like this is in gettysburg too like that's so funny like it's is it really yeah so they probably were trying to stand out or something like well i think they did just that and make it probably maybe more accessible to kids, too. I mean, because I'm sure there's some really... Like, if you're in Gettysburg, you can see all the other fucked up shit. That's true. Like, there's somber stuff.

I don't think there's anything wrong with presenting this stuff. Like a cat pulling out another cat's tooth in a mural and a fresco on the wall. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I like that one of the dioramas was so good she had to add a second star i want to see that one she couldn't even bear to give it one star anymore because one of them just won her over yeah and then she walked out and said i want this one and they said please don't take stuff from our museum they're not for sale okay i only have redemptions left zany perfect i'm ready for it this was also sent by taylor and this is a review of the Kazooby

Kazoo Factory Museum and Gift Shop. I love kazoos. Sorry. I have nothing more to add. This is a five-star review by Chris. Pure joy. We showed up between tour times, but he still took time from his lunch so we could make our own

kazoos. We were only there for 15 minutes, but it's the highlight of our week-long trip so far if you have kids definitely stop here and this is a response from owner we are so glad y'all stopped by keep the world humming end of response stop nice yes and i want a kazoo made by me the world humming this is is an email from Claire who wrote that her pronouns are she, her, she, for. That's fun. And I was going to say, this might be my favorite. Okay.

This is a review of the Umbrella Cover Museum in Maine. The Umbrella Cover. Just not the umbrella, the covering. Just the cover. What the fuck? Okay. Okay. Don't, stop Googling it.

I'm not Googling it, I swear. Okay. This is a five-star review by Daniel and Frida Rogers. Visited Nancy and her wonderful little museum. She told us all about the little umbrella covers and even sang us the umbrella song. The umbrella song. It's not the umbrella cover song or is it a cover of an umbrella song? It's a cover of the umbrella song. Is it a cover of Umbrella song? It's not the Umbrella cover song? Or is it a cover of an Umbrella song? It's a cover of the Umbrella song.

Is it a cover of Umbrella by Rihanna? Can you imagine Nancy sings that? I'm picturing it. A definite place to see when you're on the island. So Claire, of course, sent in a YouTube video of the theme song. No. Of Nancy. She plays the accordion.

So Claire's been been here of course she does she said the place is a delight there are only positive reviews here's some of my favorites as well as the theme song of the museum which the owner plays on the accordion for every visitor oh my god now i don't think we can probably play this on yeah the podcast but i'm gonna play part of it for you okay and i want to also let you know that the first time I played this out loud, the child in my womb punched me really hard. Oh, no. So I'm just doing this at risk for my own safety.

I appreciate it. I appreciate your sacrifice. But I need you to hear it. Nancy's all strapped up. Why are they wearing helmets? What's Nancy going to do? They're all wearing helmets. Ooh.

What a flair. Okay, the shakers are not in time. They don't know what they're doing. Oh, the lyrics. All I can read from here is, you'll never get wet in all caps. Promise, Nancy. Celebrate the mundane every day.

That is so cute, though. Yes, look, there's a little Jewish umbrella cover with the stars of David all over it. They have every kind of umbrella cover, obviously. And then the descriptions are printed out on computer paper. It is. It's in Maine. Oh, it's close for the season.

I told you that already. Oh, sorry. I'm just thinking because I want to go on the East Coast tour of Lighthouse. Well, you've got to go here. So I'm very pleased about that. So they reopened Memorial Day weekend. So hell yeah claire thank you for sending that thank you now these are this is the last one i promise this is

from natalie uh he's she your pronouns thank you natalie and it says in the middle of nowhere missouri there is a vacuum factory nice which sounds like that song i work in a button factory i don't recognize this without the accordion no i have no idea what you're talking about it sounds weirdly familiar I think it's like my name is oh is it a lamb chop song or something

that's what I found when I hi my name is Joe and I work in a button factory I got a wife and three kids I forget the rest I have a husband three kids i got a wife and three kids and then what does it say one day my boss came up to me he said joe are you busy i said no he said to push this button with your right hand

and then you push start pushing with your right hand hey my name is joe and i work in a button factory i'm sorry the shakers need to be on time kids and the family one day my boss came up to me he said joe are you busy i said no he said push this button with your left hand. And then, wow. And then in brackets, it says make pushing motion with right and left hand. Continue using body parts like right foot, left foot, head, tongue, right elbow, left elbow, right knee, left key, and bottom. What's left key? I just spelled knee wrong. And bottom.

End with the following. Hey, my name is Joe. And I work in a button factory don't end it like that bad three kids and a family one day my boss came up to me he said joe are you busy i said yes you don't remember that i do now now that i don't because you're singing completely wrong i don't remember the tune but i absolutely remember that? I do now. You don't because you're singing it completely wrong. I don't remember the tune, but I absolutely remember that being a fucking weird thing. And I work in a button factory.

I've got a wife and three kids. One day... Wait, how's it go? One day, my boss came up to me. He said, Joe, are you busy? I said, no. He said, push this button with your butt. Whoa.

Getting saucy so early. We used to play this on the bus, and our poor bus driver had to listen to it all day. Okay. Anyway, in the middle of Missouri, there's a vacuum factory. Oh, yeah. I thought we were done with this. I said, suck this with your butt. Jesus Christ, Christina.

Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I've reverted to childhood. This is a female finale. She famously said that all the time as a child.

Vacuum factory. Like one time, like, oh my God. One time, my dad came in and was like, hey, I brought you some M&M's, peanut M&M's for your Tilford candy machine. And she said, oh yeah? Well, suck it

with your butt. Oh my god. He said, Christine, are you busy? I said, yeah. And he, Christine, are you busy? I said, yeah. He said, what are you doing? Sucking with my butt. Oh, my God.

Okay. It's a vacuum factory. Okay. And it's dedicated to vacuum cleaners throughout history. And it reminds me of your lawnmower museum. Alexander's not paying attention to me anymore. Can you fucking blame me? What is happening?

It's dedicated to vacuum cleaners throughout history. Okay. I'm saluting them all right now. These dead vacuums. Rest in peace. Except for instead of vacuums. You brave soldiers. Rest in peace. Except for instead of vacuums. You brave soldiers. People are cats.

They're actually dioramas of vacuums, but portrayed by cats. There better be one dedicated to that vacuum from Brave Little Toaster. That was a Brave Little Toaster and vacuum. I'm pretty sure. Okay, this isaster and vacuum i'm pretty sure okay this is from natalie i'm pretty sure all two i'm pretty sure all 200 odd vacuums belong to just one guy who loves vacuums and decided to open a small museum with his repair shop as soon as you said i think that's more normal than 200 people with all different vacuums coming together so i like that you're right that's just a conference that's just a roomba conference um okay elks inner roomba and zumba yep i need you to pay

attention to me i'm looking up the vacuum stop doing it little toaster stop doing that are you listening yeah i'm here do you want me to do that while you read your challenges i closed it i'm sorry this is a review by google user and it's a five-star view and it's all in capital letters of the vacuum museum there was never a more professional kinder talented vacuum sales and serviceman than tom gasco his ability to sell and service all brands of vacuums has no limits he is a true curator of one of the most comprehensive vacuum cleaner collections in the usa preserving the mechanical technological history of the vacuum cleaner end of review i think tom wrote this i'm absolutely ready there's no other way no one signed tom tim

gasco it's so okay that is all capital letters this is the one he's the curator also i love that it's not about the museum it's about true tom and no one knows this much about tom other than tom yeah there was a never a more professional kinder and talented vacuum sales and service man i mean maybe in there i mean i have not met a single vacuum salesman in my life. So in my life, Tom is number one. Actually, that's a very good point. This is the first one I'm hearing. First one I'm hearing. His ability has no limits.

No limits. No limits. He's a true curator. I don't know if he was just like fucking God this whole time. And he was fucking like, he has literally no limits. It's like. And he chose. He's omnipresent.

To collect vacuums. He's omniscient. And it's like when they find out... It's like Cincinnati's returning to his farm after leading the Roman armies. Yeah, the prodigal son. Yeah. No, but here it's Tom who is, yeah, omniscient, omnipresent, etc. Returning to his vacuum farm.

And he chooses to, yeah. Remember when sometimes they say God is actually... I don't want to know. Don't they say God sometimes is actually somebody else? Do you know what I mean? What they do say... You just don't get it. Is that God sucks things up his butt.

Okay, listen. You know how they say, what's that song? It's a song about how God is one of us. That's the one. Yeah. What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us. That's Tom Hesk.

It's God the whole time. That song is about Tom. tom was god the whole time if you spell tom backwards that's ma like the applesauce oh i was trying to go somewhere with that but i guess not it wasn't very good thank you okay that's all i've got for you today time for my challenge which is also pretty wild so it's not slowing down, y'all. Okay. My challenge was to find reviews where the reviewer blames a business or product for their family problems, and this was sent in by Brittany. Oh, boy.

Abby, who wrote in about your challenge and gave you ways that you can earn points. Wrote in now for my challenge. What are you talking about ways you can earn points? For your challenge, Abby sent in and said you can earn your bonus points by finding certain things. Because she didn't think your challenge was difficult enough. Oh, from last week, yeah. Yes, last week. So now Abby gave me suggestions okay for how i can earn points um i did one of them only one of them so i'm gonna read so the things were find

a challenge review on common sense media find one on the cool cruisers forum extra bonus points for overcoming your aversion to the cool cruisers community eek that one didn't happen not at all i tried though find a response and or companion review from the other family members referenced in the challenge review i couldn't find them that's pretty wild for example a mom's review complaining about a product causing a fight between her and her daughter and then the daughter's daughter reviewing the same product i didn't find that uh my reward uh christine has to refill the dilbert candy machine with your zandy candy of choice oh god and replace the batteries she did say that she thinks i owe you a logo t-shirt despite my harsh subtraction of 2000

points uh anyway so which one did you do consumer reports or. Consumer Reports. My first one now is a review of Roblox, the game, on Consumer... What is it called? Is that right? No. Common Sense Media. Common Sense Media. I know. Every time.

You got it in my head. Every time. Okay. This is written by an adult. One star. Why does this website exist? My seven-year-old daughter got scammed and cried about it for

30 minutes, and on the website there's so much swearing and violence, and to many people asking for personal information and the online daters banned this website. This title contains violence and scariness and sexy stuff. I know what happened.

She was on Roblox with three X's. Roblox? She was on the After Dark site. I'm afraid to Google that, but I assume that is real. Fan fiction galore, I'm sure of it. I don't know much about Roblox, but apparently it's fucking wild. And we could do an entire episode on i don't even know what it is because there were like 80 pages of these but i do like that um

she cried for a whole 30 minutes yeah which like i cry for a whole 30 minutes pretty regularly and nobody cares much about that yeah um but it must have been very deeply upsetting for this poor child i'm so sorry sorry child sorry um so that's what i have from there and then i also have a couple other emails so a different abby she her wrote in with a product review so this is of the stonebriar six to seven hour long burning unscented tea light candles five stars ours came neatly packed and stacked in a box with no issues. I got my wife a fake fireplace log set that fits in the fireplace, and you put eight of these candles in it. She put the candles in and lit them.

I said something about, oh, don't let that look purdy, and that's when the fight started. She went on and on about me being some kind of Neolithic Neanderthal redneck or something. I wasn't really listening but it's a good product that lasts for several hours and was packaged really well she loves them and evidently that's what matters end of review i'm writing this from the rain outside yeah it's like what the fuck even happened here it went from what a strange train of thought to have to include that in your review agreed i guess he has to talk to somebody

but otherwise this challenge wouldn't have been successful if the people like this didn't exist that felt the need to like to share overshare overshare beautiful 162 people found this helpful wow i mean i didn't think that tea candles could tear a family asunder but what do i know clearly not that much uh so this next one was sent in by neve she her um and it's and she says i've actually had this review saved for a while just in case a challenge like this ever happened this is my time to shine that's amazing yeah so this is a review of a candle making kit why is it all these not candle i just was head candle on the brain crystal making kit oh so you make crystals it's like a science thing fun um so here we go one star parents beware bought kit for my kid's science project. Did what exactly what the directions said, even pour the excess solution out in my sink

with the garbage disposal. Do not do. Managed to get one good crystal from it at that time. Order a different kit. Three weeks later, garbage disposal stopped working along with every drain in the kitchen, including the dishwasher. Got apartment maintenance in

and they had to take apart the disposal and the pipes to pull out chunks and chunks of blue crystals little rotten vegetables and meat in the blades of disposal along with a wet moist dark place really makes these things take off maintenance man sent this picture to me and asked me if i know what it was it's just a picture of like this blue chunk of crystal or whatever what if the maintenance man didn't say anything and was like we didn't find anything and then tried to sell those on they were like she hid her diamonds in this garbage disposal that's like the time we buried a time capsule and then somebody found it and then they gave it back to me yeah but it was missing an item that they took because they thought it

was valuable it was like a teacup and it like wasn't valuable but they like took it out and then gave us the time capsule back. That's so stupid. That's so, so weird. That's what I'm picturing. Weird. I explained to him I was making crystals with my kids and poured the solution down the drain. Hour or so, get a call from my wife, probably soon to be ex, because the cops, a long man in spacesuits with DCF in rear to pull kids out of the house that apparently was making crystal meth with their kids.

Crystal meth? Oh my, Alexander. Oh my God, Alexander. Crystal meth. The maintenance guy apparently never heard of just plain old-fashioned making crystals before, but apparently he had heard of people making crystal meth. Yeah, no shit. Rather not if he ever heard of parents making meth

with their kids for a science project. Well, I guess anything is possible, but not by us. Got it cleared up. So if anybody has a comfortable couch slash bed slash my future murder scene, I can buy being the dog house is occupied for someone, let me know. Do not pour the solution down the sink

with the garbage disposal. The directions need to say that along with don't assume that everyone knows what you are talking about when you say, quote, I was making crystals with my kids for a science project. End of review. I'm stunned. Yeah. I didn't even see that coming.

I was a wild ride, a poorly worded ride that was very difficult to read. I'm stunned. No, no, no punctuation. But this is the kind of thing where you see in the instruction manual do not pour down sink and you're like why would i pour this down who would pour this down the sink and this guy would pour it down yeah but apparently this person's saying that the directions say to pour the excess solution down the drain are you sure that's what he's saying i thought he did what exactly what the direction said

even pour the excess solution out in my sink with a garbage disposal that's how i think that's what they're saying here it is pretty funny that the person was like you're making crystal like no no crystals oh there's different it's like the opposite like I'm making crystal meth or I'm making like selenite so my children can have happier dreams and connect with the other side I don't think I think this is just some like science like make like geodes or something I don't think this has anything to do with that you know I used to go around the neighborhood and with rocks and sell them as geodes true and people bought them but only so that we would leave yeah and the ftc has been is that the right organization the federal trade commission i guess the whole

time yeah they have been um that and that's the thing is i said who would actually take the time to break this open with a hammer and find out whether there's really geodes inside i could picture someone walking up buying one oh great i have a hammer right here you're just like sprint that one must be defective i'll give you one for free oh my geo dealer is screwing me over here i'm so sorry here's your money back um this has been cut with something else it's been cut with normal rock don't pour this down the drains there are now rocks in your disposal oh wonderful okay um now it's time for my my hard work can you imagine your landlord is like do you know what this is and you're like yes that's the crystal meth i was cooking with my children i'm sorry i like i can't get over that that's where like i understand why that happened because as an apartment building

supervisor whatever you're probably like oh my god you're making crystal in your apartment and someone who does that would be probably the first to admit it stupidly like in a dumb way like like you know you're not i don't know like with my children when i think of people who well yes exactly if you're someone the kind of person to actually make crystal meth with your child you're probably gonna let it slip somehow uh because it's a thing oh that's where my crystal meth went i couldn't find it anywhere i mean i forgot i was storing it in the dishwasher i can't this is just so insane okay i'm sorry go ahead with your next one okay this next one i

don't know what it's of and i actually would like you to try to figure it out, because I found this through Google, but I can't figure out what the product is. Crystal meth. Maybe. Let's see. Three stars. Three star review of some Amazon product. Sounds cool, but not so practical. Not as cool as it sounds.

My fiance yelled at me within a couple of days of putting this on my keyring. I like this thing although your keys will become bunched up while in your pocket not necessarily a bad thing however if you do not use it purely to place on a wall or something then you'll quickly become frustrated that everything gets bunched together end of review it's a magnet a magnet to hang your keys on the wall oh i think or maybe like some sort of key ring. Why would the fiance yell at them for putting it on?

Well, Blaze bought one. It's sort of similar. Oh, and you yelled at him? Yes, I did. Because it's, well, I didn't yell, but it's like, it looks like a pocket knife and all the keys go inside it. Like they slide inward and then you have to like pull out each key individually. So real pain in the ass.

Never mind. I don't know. I'm just picturing how annoying it can be when the person who is supposed to unlock the door has to untangle their keys and find the correct key. It drives me absolutely crazy. Blaze, fun fact for you. I've never actually told you that, so I apologize. I know how much you like your gadget.

Uh-oh. Blaze, I approve of your gadget'm sorry i'm just i'm just trying to make this show interesting you know when does he listen to the episodes like how many days late because just plan for him not to come home that day yeah you know i plan for him not to come home after a lot of episodes and he always does okay true so i've kind of just given up on like preparing for his absence. Makes sense. Makes sense. Okay, my next one is of a vanity set makeup dressing table with round mirror, two large drawers with sliding rails, cushioned stool. It's a three-star review titled Mirror Not Big Enough, Stool is Wrong Color.

Table looks lovely and fits perfectly in a small room. Problem is the mirror is not big or high up enough. And when I sit at the table, it only shows up to my forehead. I'm five foot five. Also, stool came in a completely different color. My husband was devastated when he unwrapped the stool because he thought it was so ugly. And we had a huge fight. We decided to keep the table and buy a new stool and mirror.

Otherwise, overall, a good quality product. End of review. Oh my god, they had a huge fight because he was devastated about the color of the stool? About how ugly it was. Maybe the color is what was ugly about it to him, but I have no idea. Wow. I know. That must have been one ugly stool.

Yeah, I just like it. I mean, that sounds like when you have a fight about something, but it's actually a fight about something bigger. You know what I mean? Like you're like, oh, fight about something, but it's actually a fight about something bigger. You know what I mean? Like you're like, oh, it's a little thing and then it blows up. Like this stool is so ugly and then it turns into like what's gone wrong in our relationship, you know? Yeah, the vanity represents the vanity within the relationship. And look in the mirror is what I have to say.

But actually duck down first because you can't see very well. You're taller than five foot four yeah i i see that though like the stool like oh you can see the stool like it's very small in this picture but like i see nothing it's it's not that bad i don't know it's just a stool this is how the fight started because then she said because then he said what do you mean it's not that bad look at it you never agree with me about anything and then she said it just reminds me of our relationship how i'm just kind of settled oh yeah both of those things actually yeah oh so sad i love that it was all fixed though when they went to home goods and bought a new stool sometimes that's all you need

yeah you know repair things yeah just constantly repairing things in your relationship that's all you need yeah you know repair things yeah just constantly repairing things in your relationship that's really that's the healthy way to do it um okay so my last two are from the same person okay um oh they're having relationship problems they're having problems yeah i'm just gonna say that so these reviews are of two different products. These are both by Dennis. This first one is of Magic Holder 5 Position Mop and Broom Holder, Floor Mop Holder, Broom Utility Holder, Storage Solutions, and Organizers for Cleaning. This is a five-star review by Dennis titled RIP Wall Organizer.

This was from May 1, 2010. I'll admit this one hurts. by Dennis titled RIP Wall Organizer. This was from May 1st, 2010. I'll admit this one hurts. Normally a product breaks after a while and you just have to face facts. Sometimes a product wears out. This is life. But to have this happen during this economy is a tough one because let's face it, I liked this wall organizer,

but no one really needs a wall organizer. There's another way to store your mops and brooms and stuff. It's called a corner. But the truth is that after a while, the corner gets dirty and you have to use the mop to clean the place where you store the mop. Who's got that kind of time? My weekends are for relaxing, not cleaning the place I keep my cleaning supplies. LOL. But the other reason I'm going to miss this wall organizer is because it's sort of the reason I'm in my relationship.

Hey, Dennis, that's a good thing. All you do is bitch about her. I know, but who doesn't? That's the way life is. Anyway, I got the Magic Holder five position wall organizer back in 2006. And it was all because I had a party. And somebody brought over this woman I'd never met before who wasn't really that hot, but she had spunk. I'm going gonna get killed

for that one, but hey, that's the way I felt at the time. So this woman and me were talking in the kitchen, and she saw all my mops and brooms all shoved in the corner of my kitchen closet and said, you're a filthy pig. And there was something about the way she said it, and I was like, who is this girl? Anyway, her friend ended up getting plastered and puking next to my trash can, an 18-gallon Rubbermaid with step-on lid in beige. Great trash can. Anyway, it was pretty gross, and my future girlfriend had to use the mop and seemed really grossed out by how all my cleaning stuff was all crammed in the corner like that. So the next day, I'm surfing the net, what else is new, lol, and found this product the magic holder five position wall organizer and i

was like i'm gonna do whatever it takes to get that girl so i bought it and immediately had another party and made sure to invite that girl so they came to the party and i'm making all these excuses to try to get this girl to look in my kitchen closet she must have thought i was a complete weirdo finally i knocked my friend's beer out of his hand by accident lol so there would be a need for my mop and i was like i thought someone was gonna puke i was like i thought he was gonna make somebody puke or throw up himself yeah he didn't think of that did he and i was like suzanne can you hand me my mop and she's like no way i finally had to get the mop myself and make sure she got a good glimpse at my kitchen closet and sure enough she was like looks like someone got organized p.s she didn't really say this but the

look on her face was the equivalent and after that i had the confidence to ask her out and here we are going on five years in our relationship living together past two years and i swear it's because of this wall organizer anyway the other day she's looking for a hook to hang a bag of cat litter who does that and she put it on the wall organizer and sure enough it ripped it right out of this wall organizer. Anyway, the other day she's looking for a hook to hang a bag of cat litter. Who does that? And she put it on the wall organizer and sure enough it ripped it right out of the wall and bent the hole in the back that attaches to the screw so there's no way to hang it back up. That's right. It's headed to the dump.

Just like my relationship. I made a joke that maybe my girlfriend should be the one I'm throwing out and she slammed the bedroom door and didn't talk for the rest of the night. Okay by me, because I had to clean up the mess. So short story long, LOL, I had to go back to just storing stuff in the corner.

I'll probably get another wall organizer, but it's going to have to wait because my girlfriend wants a juicer and they are not cheap. But if you need a wall organizer, get this one with confidence. It's great. But don't hang a bag of cat litter from it. End of review.

Oh my God,lexander i know that's just the way life is you know but hey that's just what you do you know like i but hey i can't tell if this is real but like there's no reason like it just seems so out of the blue and they review other things yeah it doesn't seem like wild enough to be fake it seems just bland enough to be real this person i don't know why anyone went to this party twice i feel like he probably talks so much about things that nobody cares about yeah um lol well it's not over because there's one more okay this one this one is of cat litter no this is of the organized living over the door basket 18 inch by four inch they have a thing about organizing clearly or at least the girlfriend does but this is a four-star review okay and this was written june 29th 2011

so a year and a month after the one before okay not sure i'm ready to start dating again but i'm one step closer with this amazing pantry organizer i'll be honest he really thinks i mean i guess it's worked for him in the past these organization tools get him the girl we'll see oh and a funny thing is this thing has two total ratings like this isn't like a thing that's really popular this is a thing of two total ratings so oh my god this is the wildest shit i ever heard okay i'm sorry go on i'll be honest i've been going through a rough patch recently but i feel like things might finally be turning around now that i have the freedom rail overdoor pantry basket actually i'm a pretty big fan of the

entire freedom rail storage system i also own the hardware starter kit of course the can holder and the large can holder so i sort of know what i'm talking about it's a great system anyway i really needed a product like this because i like to stay organized in fact i started dating my ex in the first place because she was so impressed with how organized my pantry was how quickly they forget lol there's more about that in my review relationship is based on how organized your mops are yeah i mean listen i shouldn't probably judge since clearly i've already broken mine up today but i'm picturing the girlfriend like shut up about the mops like i literally never said anything as you specified in the review i never said anything about the mops you just looked at my face and decided what i was thinking oh my god

there's more about that in my review of the five position wall organizer when i just read great item but it broke when my ex tried to hang a bag of cat litter from it i know she did this kind of stuff all the time of course it ruined the organizer and we had a huge fight about it at the beginning of the end i guess looking back one silver lining to breaking up with x is that i no longer have to deal with a psychotic diabetic cat no thanks i mean who's got money for cat insulin in this economy also like the juicer did that ever happen was there a review of the juicer because that's a good question actually and i wonder if he bought her a juicer because if he didn't buy her juicer that could have been the beginning true um there's a review of a of duct tape okay oh that's not good a soap dish and that's it between between these so she never got there's that wall organizer i read and then the soap dish

and the duct tape and then this one no wonder she left couldn't agree more Breakup with X became official, I had to move into a studio apartment. And there's nothing more depressing than realizing that you don't have to worry about having an organized pantry anymore because you don't even have a pantry. You read that right, folks. All I have is one small cabinet next to the stove in the kitchen, which is also the bedroom and the dining room and living room. LOL, this is my life. bedroom and the dining room and living room lol this is my life i keep what few pots and pans the ex let me take with me in the cabinet which means all my other stuff gets stacked on top of the fridge this is not much space all there's room for is my instant oatmeal and canned goods both of which i buy in bulk because they're cheap and won't rot in case we get nuked hey i hope not but

these days who knows that's life you know yeah that's life i know canned goods are not very gourmet but it's not like i'm having anybody over for a candlelight dinner or anything nobody asked or challenged you on that hey 30 people found it helpful i think he has like actual amazon followers i guess i can see why i'm kind of committed at this point in fact i can't even think about the dating scene right now because the ex has been messing with my head by sending text messages about stuff like helping her set up her DVR player. Pause. Rewind. What?

I thought we broke up. A woman I work with says Suzanne is just using the DVR thing as an excuse to contact me because she probably wants to get back together. And I have to admit, I'm open to it because sometimes we just need some space to work it out. This is life. But I'm not sure that's what she had in mind because when I offered to come over and set up the DVR, she

freaked out and made me just tell her how to do it over the phone. Whatever, it wasn't a problem because I can set up a home entertainment system in my sleep. No surprise since I sell them every day. That was two weeks ago and haven't heard anything since. You're welcome, Suzanne. The bottom line is that this pantry system allowed me to turn the one door in my apartment into a pretty decent pantry which means i'm back to being organized and if i ever get the guts to actually sign up for internet dating and ask someone for over for dinner maybe she'll see this storage system and think hey this guy is not a filthy pig maybe we could have a relationship hey it worked before and that was before i lost the weight end of review see my review of nutrisystem i mean what on earth this is the wildest train ride of train wreck i

don't know i don't want to say train wreck i want to say roller coaster adventure yeah there's there's a finale i don't think it fits the challenge i I actually haven't even read it yet, but I just saw the title. What's it called? I might have a new girlfriend and I owe it all to the urine off cat and kitten formula plus LED urine finder. Alexander, what is going on with this person? But this was January 8th, 2012. So seven months later. Let's hope this is happily ever after.

Like so I can't imagine this being being like why would you wait seven months and be like oh i gotta update my saga of my fiction saga this is actually very real okay here we go it's another long one this is the longest episode yet yeah so it is we have to edit it today i know oh i know first off i completely agree with our frank's review this stuff works and i know what you're thinking cat urine remover you actually don't know what i'm thinking i'm sorry i don't think i don't think you know what anyone's thinking including yourself yeah i i i think dennis finds out what he's thinking as he writes yeah Definitely stream of consciousness kind of stuff. Cat urine remover helped your love life?

What? But this is my crazy life. LOL. I mean, I don't even have a cat. And so I definitely not planned on spending any money on cat urine remover, especially in this economy. But sometimes life throws you a major curveball and you have to just suck it up. And I'm glad I did because I'm pretty sure I just started a new relationship. Finally.

And it might not have happened if I hadn't found this great product. My God. Basically, it all started with a phone call from my ex. I know. Mike, what's new? She's always causing problems. Yep. And this time is no different.

Anytime Suzanne runs into the slightest inconvenience, I'm the first person she calls and ask for a favor. I used to think it was because she wanted to get back together. But after setting up her DVR for the fifth time, hello, stop unplugging it, and fixing her taillight from when she backed in the shopping cart return at Key Foods, haha, and then not even getting so much as a thank you in return, I finally started figuring out that she was just using me. But don't worry, this is the last time. We are officially no longer speaking, and here's why.

Suzanne leaves me this voicemail asking if I can watch her cat for the weekend so she can go out of town. She won't say where or with who by the way but let it slip that we are going to the lake house who cares i have my own life but i do think it's weird that she's going to a lake house when she's already talking about how she's allergic to mud uh i'm pretty sure that lakes are just giant mud puddles lol anyway the best part of the voicemail is when she says even though we broke up it's still my responsibility to take care help to help take care of this cat what she already had that dumb cat when we met now that we're no longer together it's somehow my problem this is classic

suzanne i know i shouldn't call her back but the thing is that i had finally got the guts to post a profile on a dating site and someone sent me a message asking for a photo, so I thought, this is getting real. And before I get into a new relationship, I wanted to see Suzanne one last time and make absolutely sure there was no spark left. Oh, boy. So I say, sure, bring Diego, the cat, over, and I'll watch him for the weekend.

Things went from bad to worse the second she showed up. She broke another organizer. She hung the cat litter on the pantry basket. Oh, no. The first thing she said was that I needed to go to the vet and pick up the cat's medicine and said it was my turn to pay since I hadn't pitched in since we broke up. What? I actually laughed out loud, but she started crying saying that she didn't have the money.

I knew it was fake because as soon as I said I'd do it, she immediately stopped crying and left. She should win an Oscar for that performance. Anyway, I go to the vet, get the meds, and it really adds up because the cat is diabetic plus has a skin disorder on its ear that needs special ointment. I'm thinking if I ever do get to go on a date, it will have to be Burger King. All because Suzanne had to have it her way, lol. Oh no! Anyway, I get back to my studio apartment.

Whatever, these are tough times and give diego his insulin and rub some ointment on his ear rash and then i go to my computer to go on get online what else is new lol of course i head straight to my internet dating profile to see if there's been any pokes and for once someone has actually responded it's this woman who's a few years older but looks about the same age as me i'm 43 she's 49 but looks 43 we message back and forth and it turns out we don't live that far from each other before i know it she's saying she wants to come over and meet me so i ask her to come over for dinner the following weekend i'm really excited until i go to bed and see that diego has taken a giant pee right in the

middle of my mattress the timing couldn't be worse. I have a date next weekend, and if things go well, who knows? Oh my god, Suzanne trained him. Ooh la la. Ooh la la, Suzanne trained the cat to piss in his bed. That's smart. Suzanne's like, I know how to end this. I'm a gentleman, but I also live in a studio, so my bed is also my couch, and right now it smells like cat pee.

Not very romantic. And replacing the mattress is out of the question because of the economy. I knew it! So i get back online i feel like i live on the internet lol and do some quick googling and find this product and order it and pay for two-day shipping because i don't have a choice of course when suzanne comes to pick up the cat i tell her about what happened and she says it's my fault because i didn't set up a litter box fast enough no offer to pay me back or anything i'm so pissed more piss in my life lol and i'm sure once and for all that it's totally over between us and so i can't resist saying that it's a good thing she didn't need me to take care of her cat the next weekend because i have plans and when she doesn't

ask what the plans are i say i'm not sure what we're doing it really depends on what she wants to do and you should have seen her face she just grabbed diego and said that i never have to worry about taking care of him again and stormed off ha it was almost worth a cat pee on my mattress to see how jealous she got oh well hope you had fun at the lake house suzanne and nice sunburn lol oh it's actually that's not a sunburn it's pretty insensitive it's actually an allergic reaction to all the mud. I think it's pretty insensitive that you made fun of that. Anyway, I had to tape a plastic bag to my mattress for a couple days so I could sleep

on the smell, but finally the urine off came and it worked like a charm. I'm a sucker for gadgets, so I especially like the LED urine finder. It made finding the exact perimeter of the urine stain really easy, as well as a bunch of other old stains that don't really have a smell, but still made me go, what the fuck? The bottom line is that you can't tell there was ever any cat pee on my mattress at all. It's actually better than new because it got some of the other stains up as well. So whatever happens on my date next weekend, wish me luck.

Ooh la la. I won't have to worry about cat p killing the mood thanks you're enough let me know when you come out with ex-girlfriend off lol end of review i will never erase this person from my memory i will never urine off this person from my memory this is like his i feel like i know more about this man than i know about myself yeah and say i wanted to find more information he has a twitter where he says post like i know it's been a while but there's a new review of some great replacement things and like seriously telling me that this man can fit 140 characters into a tweet after that kind of a review i don't believe that it's just links to his longer reviews

wow um that was the longest review in history oh my god about and so his amazon about page just says currently single and then um the twitter description is i love products currently saving up for a juicer ooh la la update juicer is on hold till i figure out what's going on with my relationship i knew it i knew that juicer was in limbo somewhere this is hilarious it's in the shopping cart it's saved for later i love this i love this person this is so what's his name again um dennis it's a fake name i gave him you definitely called him mike at one point but whoops that's okay i figured it had to be one or the other i corrected it whoops Dennis is a fake name I gave him. You definitely called him Mike at one point. Whoops. That's okay.

I figured it had to be one or the other. I corrected it. Whoops. You did. And then the next one, he talked to himself a lot. It was so confusing. Maybe it was that last one where I had never read it before. I just read it aloud for the first time.

Wow, Alex Inner. That put me in a really weird headspace. Yeah. I don't feel so good. I don't know how to recover from that also this is like a two-hour episode it's actually two hours so wow my head hurts and i'm hungry thank you for dragging me through the sagas of dennis the menace you're welcome um i think i think we're all better for it uh are we yes okay um now we have to do a demon challenge

oh my goodness okay at that part we almost forgot i could oh i didn't forget i have it up already this is your theme for next week this is from nicole who says i live in minnesota and thought it would be an interesting time if you read reviews about the mall of america oh i love the mall of america that's it i have a review of the mall of america do you why are there like four gaps? Like four different floors. Okay. It's like the same stores on different floors, but they're not connected. Like Gap the store.

Yeah. It's a clothing store. Oh, yeah. Sorry. I'm just... That was when I went. I'm pretty sure I was on one floor and there was like a gap. And then like second floor, there was a gap, but it was just a completely different gap.

And it wasn't a Gap Kids? No. Wow. That is fascinating. I haven't been there in years. I don't know if that's actually how it was, but that's what I remember. And then I went to Cold Stone creamery and there was a rainforest cafe in there and a roller coaster it's a weird place i've never been what's my challenge people

like live there apparently what because it has like a hotel but they're like longer stay accommodations ah yes yes yes like you can basically live in the like an econo lodge no okay i think it's a little different than in this economy okay uh this is from uh morgan she her long time listener first time emailer uh i have an idea for a challenge find reviews that are formatted like a letter so like dear dear amazon something wait that's so good okay i feel like those people are fucking dramatic and those i feel like those tend to be the ones where they're like where you're like do they know they're not talking to anybody actually uh morgan actually gave uh a sample so if you want

to take a look at that to i will to see and see what what what she's looking for i'll put it in your using thing yeah is that the it's a litter robot litter robot yeah that is the fanciest thing i've ever seen it was so expensive this place is first father's day gift okay because i can't oh my god it's like a fucking because i can't um i can't scoop cat litter when i'm pregnant so oh actually that makes sense that's true he's had to do it for a while, and it's just having two cats. It's been kind of a nightmare. And I thought I would splurge, and it's definitely a splurge. Yeah, but I mean.

Oh, my God. Lauren Lapkus is pregnant. Oh, congratulations. Long-time listener, Lauren Lapkus. Also having a rainbow, babe. We saw Lauren Lapkus.kus we did at brunch in la oh yeah anyway all right i need food so i do too uh thanks everybody you're probably not here anymore but if you are thank you for listening all the way to the end we appreciate you and um

if you have my my voice is literally gone after that if If you have any suggestions or comments or themes or concerns or challenges or whatever you, songs, umbrella songs, send them in to bcdcna.gmail.com. Otherwise, we will see you next week. Talk soon. Bye.