Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 161: Reviews of Lighthouses

Episode Date: December 29, 2021

What is a lighthouse if not a house with a light on it? Check out Xandy's TikTok lighthouse adventures: https://tiktok.com/@xandyschiefer Get your Warning: Contains Sexy Stuff merch here: https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy! Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connects ontario.ca please play responsibly we are all connected discover echo from cirque du soleil opens may 8th under the big top at dorado lakeshore boulevard west tickets at cirque du Soleil.com. Echo thinks it's presenting partners' sun life. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet. A podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast. But I'd give it zero stars if I could. Merry Christmas.

Ho, ho! It is literally Christmas. Yeah, this isn't an ad. An ad for what? Didn't I do an ad where I pretended to be Santa for Raycon? Oh, I thought I got that out of my memory. It's Christmas Day, and we thought to ourselves, uh-oh, an episode comes out in a few days we better get on this oops

there we are so look at us what we do for you we sacrifice our holiday hours that's totally it yeah bring you excellent content we had a lot going on we had a lot to cancel a lot of parties all our plans yeah yeah yeah we were going um clubbing uh-huh uh-huh famous christmas clubbing in cincinnati christmas clubbing is what we do here very local thing it's a midwest thing um and that's about it we had to cancel it and so here we are that's okay i'm doing my second favorite thing behind christmas clubbing oh yeah yeah talking about lighthouses and i think everyone's here for it xander gets to do his long-awaited Lighthouse episode, probably one of many. I don't know.

We'll maybe do more in the future. I don't want to limit you to just... It might just only be a Lighthouse podcast from here on out. I have a feeling I won't allow that. I have a feeling I won't be so generous to allow that. Okay, I understand. I understand. But I'm glad that we get to do your favorite thing today.

I don't know which of us do we have anything to say oh we're doing a patreon bonus episode soon any day now should we say the topic yeah sure it was blaze's idea do you want to do that one yeah it was reviews of things we received for christmas yeah i'm really excited it's like a funny idea and so we're going to put that on patreon and we're doing it between you and us that should be coming out any day now too yeah we could we could uh acknowledge the big elephant in the room that we received one email about what about how apparently our allegiance lies with jimmy johns and not something oh gosh sorry we got an email i also like have zero

allegiance i've eaten at jimmy john's once well exactly i don't know what we said in that episode i didn't re-listen to it but if anyone was coming to terms with the fact that their favorite podcasters that they look up to so much are big fans of jimmy john's over subway despite jimmy john's owners hunting exotic animals or something. We don't give a shit about either company. Fret not. We have.

I don't have any allegiance. Neither of us can eat anything on either menu because we don't eat meat. So it's like we don't even. We don't eat there. Sometimes. I used to eat those tuna subs at Subway. And wow. I've backed off. With the freaking ice cream scooper.

Yeah. Ooh. Yeah. Ooh. I backed. Balls of tuna. Okay. Ill. I've backed off of those. So I don't know. I don't ice cream scooper. Yeah. Ooh. Yeah. Ooh. I backed. Balls of tuna. Okay. Ill.

I've backed off of those. So I don't know. I don't know what we said. But yeah, I was weirdly a little, after seeing that email, a little worried that I was very pro Jimmy Johns as if that's a thing I could ever be in my life. Well, you were talking about like how. It's like a nicer, like, isn't it like better? Yeah, but you were talking about how much you like the trophy, like the lion heads.

Oh, that's what it was. Hanging up behind the counter. It's more of it's more of the aesthetic of like the big game hunting and it was the irony of people getting so upset about that despite the billions of animals slaughtered for food but um you know the whole thing just cracked me up it cracked me up i love it we were so affronted we were like did we did we say we are obsessed with the step with the ceo of jimmy johns like i don't remember but um if that is the impression we gave please please reconsider your opinion of us anyway on that note now we're gonna get emails how dare you not like jimmy johns i don't like or just like i have zero opinion i've had maybe two sandwiches from there maybe i

don't even know why i brought that up because when you you asked me if i had anything to say i'm like that's really the only thing that's been on my mind about my mind too i mean i guess we're we're lucky that's the only kind of yeah shit we get some most weeks like oh no there are other things we're just not going to talk about those okay well i'm just kidding this is a lighthouse episode this is a special episode i don't know why i'm doing kidding this is a lighthouse episode this is a special episode i don't know why i'm doing this this is a heavy lighthouse episode yeah so who would like to go first annie i'll go ahead okay this one this first one is of the south bass island light this is in put in bay ohio put inBay. This is up on Lake Erie.

Okay. Here we go. Here's a one-star review. This place is getting out of control. Some people think rules and regulations don't apply to them because they are on an island. We enjoy going every year,

but not sure we will be back. I feel sorry for the businesses and people who live there. End of review. I have no idea what happened but island living is island living it sounds wild it's that jimmy buffett aesthetic of like just fucking party it up we're on the island it's island time you know could you imagine like the only thing that's happening or people are drinking margaritas outside instead of like in a restaurant

there's no rules in island time baby yeah. Yeah, there's no further context. It's just things are out of control there. What does that mean? I picture the Fire Island scenario where they're writing this from locked in one of those, I don't know, lobbies of an airport. Things are out of control. They're feeding us slices of Kraft singles on plates. That's what I'm picturing yeah or i was also picturing potentially the purge oh it is a lawless place just a more violent lawless kind of island wow

this really lets your imagination run wild with it though yeah i like that it was a very vague review but i felt it opened up the possibilities for our imaginations. Absolutely. Which is always a good thing. When our imaginations are running, magic strikes. Magic happens in our... Oh, I lost it. Really quick-witted and good at words.

I have one here. This was sent in by Izzy. He's they-them pronouns. He said, I last wrote in over the summer with reviews of Dick's Last Resort. And at the time I mentioned I was procrastinating studying for the bar exam. I'm pleased to announce that I passed and I'm now procrastinating for money. Like at work.

Yeah. Oh, I see. I see. Like procrastinating while getting paid. And you're earning money to procrastinate. Yeah. How fun. I'm excited for you.

And then they say, here are some fruits of my hard labor from Google. Okay. This is a review of Hunting Island Lighthouse in St. Helena Island, South Carolina. It's a one-star review by Debbie, a local guide. Never got to see it. Drove all the way from Oklahoma and road closed due to tree cutters from hurricane last October, even though it said it was open today. The most frustrating experience ever.

I don't have good thoughts about lighthouses in South Carolina. They are all going away from the public. End of review. What? That's news to me. And also, if you mention a hurricane in your one-star review, that's a bad sign, usually. I don't know. There are probably some specific way but

generally when we've had people mentioning any sort of natural disaster in a one-star review they are being terrible they're usually the ones not at fault necessarily but they're usually the ones in the wrong i should put it that way yeah it's hard to to be righteous when you're blaming people for a natural disaster, in my opinion. My humble, I-M-H-O. You know, that's not the spiciest opinion. I agree with it. It's pretty humble. Yeah.

Is that the opposite of humble and spicy? I don't know. I'm just saying, you said that as if it's a... Controversial. You're dropping this bomb on everybody. And it's like, no, yeah, that should be the norm. I tried to drop my microphone, but it's attached to this stand, so it didn't really work. But yeah, I don't have good thoughts about lighthouses in South Carolina.

So Debbie, unfortunately, had to be turned around and just have her bad, bad thoughts all the way home. All the way back to Oklahoma. I will say, my understanding, I've never seen any in person, but the Carolinas have, I mean, quite the beautiful selection of lighthouses. Don't rub it in. Like some of the best places. But they're all going away. Away from, no, away from the public. Uh-oh.

I mean, there's one, Cape Hatteras, that went closer to the public because they moved it away from the ocean. Oh, they literally physically brought it closer how fun tiktok video coming out probably the week this comes out that so not to spoil too much it's like a 50 second video but yeah they basically uh the erosion was threatening the lighthouse and they said well what do we do a bunch of people said let's move it a bunch of people said no you're that's a disaster waiting to happen and then the people who wanted to move it were like well leaving it is a disaster and they said watch this and they picked it up yep inch by inch it was like it took

them 30 some days to move it i don't know 2,900 2,700 feet i forget how many exactly but uh yeah and uh lighthouse is still standing there and the scariest part is it's coming closer and closer. You know what I mean? That just means we got 2,900 feet. It approached 2,900 feet toward us. I feel like it's encroaching. It's encroaching, yes. It's coming closer and closer, and it puts me on edge for what it's worth.

I'm so sorry. But it is also, fun fact, and I mentioned that, it's the tallest lighthouse in the U.S. And they had to move it. That's what's's worth. I'm so sorry. But it is also, fun fact, and I mentioned that, it's the tallest lighthouse in the U.S. And they had to move it. That's what's so wild. They moved the tallest lighthouse in the U.S. It's also the tallest brick lighthouse in the world.

Oh my. Pretty sure. Anyway. Fun fact. Speaking of which, I have a review from there. Okay. This is going to be full of,

maybe not full, because there are probably many lighthouses we talk about that I don't know anything about. But careful. If you bring up a lighthouse I know anything about, I'll be really annoying about it. I'm not going to bring up any lighthouses. Probably smart. Here's Kay Patteris' review. Three stars. That was by Kyle.

What do you mean no alcohol? End of review. He's like, I'm here to move the lighthouse and we can't have a beer this is a moving party nobody brought beer i mean to be fair yeah if you ask someone to help you move like pizza and beer is really the least you can offer so true um yeah i actually sympathize you know people people did not like the lighthouse lighthouse rules in general i feel like that was the biggest complaint was there the rules were too stringent or whatever weird i've never seen a seen a lighthouse and been like that's where i'm gonna party tonight like i don't really i have you

right okay different story but i feel like i've never thought of it as like it is my right to to drink bud light at this lighthouse i don't know. It just seems like a strange desire to have. But, I mean, I guess I'm talking to you. So, never mind. We exist. Like, when you were talking about that person driving from Oklahoma to see a lighthouse, I thought, you know what? I would do the same thing.

So, I'm not going to talk about that as if it's ridiculous. Yeah. You did say, oh, wow, Oklahoma. And then you just, like, immediately changed the subject. So, I was like... Well, yeah, Oklahoma, and then you just immediately changed the subject. So I was like... Well, yeah, because I thought, you know, yeah, I don't know exactly how far that drive is, but I'd probably drive even farther.

Wow, beautiful. Okay, all right. I found a different one. I scrolled down to find this one because I feel like it weaves really well into the conversation. Reminds me of you a little bit. I think this person's kind of...

This is like a targeted attack, I feel a little bit like. So this is... I'm the one being targeted? Yeah, a little bit i think this person's kind of target this is like a targeted attack i feel a little bit like so this is i'm the one being targeted a little bit this is a two-star review by richard he was sent in uh in an email from mirador and it says what's it of it is of the portland bill lighthouse oh which portland i don't know i assume it's Maine that's a great question I'm just gonna say maybe Maine okay well folks I'm an idiot and somehow managed to not hit record again after I figured

out where that damn lighthouse was in Portland it was in the UK what did we figure out so we missed that whole part of me talking about us being stupid americans yeah and we missed all the hilarious jokes about pounds oh but y'all i mean you kind of had to be there but it was a blast i kept saying i was gonna realize that the we were like the lighthouse has got to be in maine it turns out it's in england and then i kept

accidentally saying two pounds instead of two stars yeah i was right you had to be there but it was pretty funny two pounds for richard so i'm sorry about that i'm really really mad at myself about that um i cannot believe that happened i just glanced over and was like why is the little thing not moving and my blood ran cold um Jesus it did it was not I feel like as a podcaster it's just the worst fucking it's a shitty feeling for sure you know um I feel good though because uh I get to I honed my jokes okay well we'll try to do them again I don't remember anything from the past 10 minutes really natural well knowing us we'll probably have the exact same fucking jokes true true because we're not super creative and flexible what if we just

recorded every episode twice i wonder how the second run through would sound probably like really weirdly rehearsed and everything loopy like i feel like we would just be like off our fucking rockers i don't know yeah um i don't want to test yeah let's not do that i don't want to not do everything twice okay so this is an email from mirador it's of the portland bill lighthouse in england and this is a two-star review by richard four pounds to park for four hours three pounds to get into the museum and an extra seven pounds to climb the lighthouse. Nothing there apart from the lighthouse and an expensive cafe. Only really for those with money to waste and a hardcore fetish for lighthouses. And now we add this whole hilarious joke about how Xander's a fetishist.

And also so is Steven Spielberg. Steven Spielberg. My God, I forgot about all the things we talked about. I'm so mad. It was so funny,'s like painful to like lose 10 minutes of yeah audio content goodness well i'll try to run through some things so you said that you were you saw a plaque right yeah okay so when d and i went to the montauk point light in uh montauk new york they have a plaque and it's for different donation levels right you get like sponsor levels you get a

plaque and your name on the plaque and i saw steven spielberg was on there that's so cool but he wasn't at the top ring he was right not like that didn't you say some of the titles are like it was like headlight keepers not one of them or something and i've already decided that's your next linkedin yeah so once i can afford the ten thousand dollars or whatever it is so give me like 200 years um maybe i can afford it but yeah we talked about how uh he and i have very different priorities surprisingly in life you wouldn't think it if i had spielberg money i would be top of the list of every lighthouse in america right but you wouldn't have any money because true all your money would be invested in lighthouses and including the ones that i own which would be as many as possible i had d and i did see a private lighthouse that's privately owned

and uh we weren't supposed to be i think on their beach but we didn't know it wasn't clearly marked but you broke the law anyway but it was great it was lots of fun yeah and then oh what else did i say i said something something good something i wanted to repeat just know it was hilarious oh yeah that i was in a steven spielberg move what could i possibly have wanted to repeat to the audience how do i force this back in center what if you said that you were in a spielberg movie and i went back and just deleted the entire section was like oops we have to start over hopefully he won't bring it up this time yeah yeah and sucks for me we said that when i was on set for bridge of spies that's when i i learned that he wasn't a lighthouse fetish he wasn't a true fetishist like you that's why he's

not in the top and that's when i lost all respect for him yeah it, it's sad, really. When I found out that he didn't fetishize lighthouses. In the same manner, in the same timely manner as you. I haven't admitted to fetishizing lighthouses. All right, you're right. I shouldn't put that on you in those words. But yeah, so. Not even in the thing that was cut, I swear. Oh my God.

And also, maybe this is why the universe cut it, because I accuse Mirador of searching for fetish in the Google reviews because it's bolded. And I was like, oh, my gosh, that means Mirador searched for the word fetish among the reviews. And then there was a conversation that ensued about like, can you search within Google reviews? And we didn't 100% land on an answer. I'm pretty sure you can. But I'm sticking with my accusation. I'm not backing down.

The thing is, it's so weird. There are different ways to access Google reviews. And that's where it gets confusing for me. Because I only ever do it. I always do Google reviews for every episode. But sometimes I'm on my Google Maps app. Sometimes on Google Maps on desktop. Sometimes I'm just through Google you can find it.

That's how I usually do it. There's so many. No, so many. I listed three. There are probably three or four different ways where you can actually access the reviews and i do think that some of them it might just be on desktop you can search oh okay well then my story to in a way defend is it mirador yeah mirador's actions alleged actions of searching fetish along with lighthouses. Is that it's you under a false pseudonym? No,

is that there was a review that, that Mirador had like remembered and just lost and was like, Oh, I want to find this one that mentioned fetish. Sure. Yeah. We'll go with that. But feel free to email us back again and clear the air if you'd like.

Yeah, you can do that. If you want. Or don't. Or just run away. Or just don't. Just roll your eyes. Witness protection. Witness protection.

Poor Mirador. I know. But I'm looking for a fight, so I'm going to stand by it. Okay, this is depressing because your next one's like the best. Yeah. I hadn't read the owner response yet. I hadn't even revealed there was an owner response. Oh, you hadn't. the owner response yet i hadn't even revealed there was an owner response yeah so here we go this is of uh saint augustine lighthouse which uh what day mark would

you say if they it has the same type of day mark as what other lighthouse nice and also it's helical yes it is black and white see look at that listen i pay some attention i'm glad no i wasn't like testing you it sounds like you're a test i kind was, but I wouldn't have been like upset if you didn't remember that. Really? Because you're holding something really, I thought you were going to like throw that. This giant butcher's knife? Knife. I was like, what could he be holding?

I'm looking around like a watering can. I don't know. Where are you looking? I don't know. Oh, there is a watering can in here. I'm like, what? There's actually two. There's one. Oh, there is one. That's here. I'm like, what? There's actually two. There's one right next to me.

Oh, there is one literally right next to me. That's the saddest part. Look at that plant right by your head, above you. It's dead. Oh, it's dead and it's like reaching out to me for help. I have like three watering cans in here. Oh, no. I need to water.

Actually, it falls on my head. Now I'm scared. There's a hanging plant pot above my head. Tim installed it. It's not going to fall. Okay, yeah. Actually, I trust him. But it's not dead yet. Don't worry, everybody. It's just struggling. I'm head tim installed it's not gonna fall okay yeah actually i trust but it's not dead yet don't worry everybody it's just struggling i'm gonna water

it after we record no i'm scared will you remind me yeah it's it's dead don't listen it's not dead okay here's a review of saint augustine lighthouse and this is in saint augustine florida okay this is by frankie one star very disappointed and we went pre-COVID in 2019. Employees, rude by the way, maybe because it was the end of the day, said the lighthouse was closed because earlier in the day, miles away, there was reports of lightning? Really? somewhere in Florida. So we asked to just walk around, take pictures of the kids in front of the lighthouse, etc. Told them we were on our way home from vacation, had a 15-hour drive ahead of us,

and thought this was a nice way to end the vacation. Nope. They wanted full admission price just to walk around. No way was I paying for seven of us to walk around, take a picture, and then leave. Yeah, my family's so big. It's no way I would pay for seven of us to walk around, take a picture, and then leave. Yeah, my family's so big. It's no way I would pay for all my family to get in. It's like, that's not their fucking fault. You don't have five children and bring them all to this lighthouse.

It's not their fault that you have a big family. Okay. That's ridiculous. Go on. Unfortunately, this wasn't the last of the disappointments. My daughter decided she had to spend her own money to buy a coffee mug with a lighthouse image on it. $15. And as of last summer, 2020, one year later, the screen printing is almost gone. And all she has is a plain red mug. I even emailed them for help. I let them know the

poor quality of their $15 mug screen printed logo. Never got a response. Not even a thank you for visiting us unfortunately since we have your money we can't help you they don't care since we don't live close and can't pursue it it's a shame that this is the negative memory my kids will have of this place and they will in turn probably not want to take their children here and waste their time most places would have wanted to make it right and sent a replacement end of review oh my god this is better than the first time you read it i can't the red mug there's so much going on here and like the fact that in summer 2020 the mug screen printing started to come off like i just picture this person posting online like what a tough year our mug screen printing scraped off

when everyone you know what i mean it's like wow that's really what you're gonna focus on i mean okay maybe this isn't a fair assumption i'm not saying it's the highest quality mug but any gift shop mug if you put in the dishwasher long enough don't dishwash it just fucking wash by hand and i guess that shouldn't happen but maybe it did i don't know it's a gift shop mug and honestly okay there's a lot of things here my daughter just has this sad red mug um i love the like the implication she just has this red mug and that's all also i feel like the daughter or the kids wouldn't have a bad association with this place if you weren't making this such a big freaking deal like it sounds like they had a fine time

she went to gift store she was excited enough to use her own money to buy a thing it sounds like they had a fine time. She went to the gift store. She was excited enough to use her own money to buy a thing. Yeah. Sounds like a positive experience. And then she's like, they're never, which, by the way, they're children. Because she said, oh, my kids. And she used her own money. She's already planning that her children's children are not allowed to go to the Slay House. Which is like, oh, my God.

Like, talk about a grudge, you know? I'm just so overwhelmed by this review. Grandma's talking about seeing Augustine Lighthouse again. That's probably not even on the top of her list, too. She probably has, like, 40 different lighthouses. Not lighthouses. That would be something. But, like, landmarks where the grandchildren are no longer allowed to go.

It's just based on her Yelp profile, probably. And I think it's a he. I mean, making assumptions either way but uh based on the name oh i was picturing like grace and frankie and yeah you know i don't know why i added the e instead of just saying frank oh you made that one up yeah yeah i don't know frankie just in my head made sense well either way way to just ruin the mood you know right like especially can you imagine that 15 hour drive home and that's all he talked about? Yeah, but having the audacity to say, well, we have a 15-hour drive home, so therefore we should get in for free.

As if that's their... That makes no sense. Yeah, I agree. Like you had to pay full admission for something that you wanted full admission to? I don't understand. But they were going to be sitting... Oh, but I guess you couldn't. The lighthouse was closed, was closed so they were gonna be sitting for the rest of the day though for 15 hours for 15 hours oh my god what a nightmare road trip that must have been oh i

know here's the owner response oh oh yeah i forgot okay this okay folks full disclosure this is where the other recording like i don't know anything from now on. And we're back. And we're back. Frankie, I am very sorry that you are still upset three years later. I was not working for the lighthouse at that time, so I cannot address why no one responded. We cannot make exceptions for admission fees, no matter how much we may want to. There are rules to follow, just like with the lightning. We must put the safety of our guests first. As for the mug, it is very hard to address a purchase from over a year ago.

Again, I am very sorry that you had an unhappy visit. End of response. Oh, snap. They're just like, what the hell do you want us to do? Also, I love the veiled, the passive-aggressive. Like, oh, I'm so sorry you're still mad about this three years later. Sorry you're not over it weirdo and the the responses across the board from this owner the whoever runs the saint augustine lighthouse google account they addressed concerns often but you know and like at times when it was

like kind of a bullshit one like this they were just like hey yeah yeah no you're what you're kind of ridiculous i hear nothing about that mug though what yeah nothing about the mug they said oh they did yeah they said uh as for the mug it is very hard to address a purchase from over a year ago i wasn't i somehow missed and it's a very good point oh you bought this thing over a year ago and now you're coming to us saying you don't like the quality like what what do you want us to do about this like we're not gonna send you a free mug every time this isn't now gene when you break it we don't send you a new one well i think they would if they lived within a few miles because then they would pursue them oh true to the ends of the earth you know or at

least to the ends of florida because it seems like that was so aggressive the way she said the way he said like oh because we won't pursue it it's like oh my god maybe just don't pursue it don't even consider pursuing it it's not worth it it's a 50 mug also i forgot about the damn lightning that was so early on in the review exactly there's so much it's so ridiculous i just i like that i don't know if it's a strawman argument i don't know what it's called but where they're like oh so anytime it there's lightning in the state of florida you have to close your lighthouse and it's like they said it was a couple miles away yeah that's it's like that's not the same i don't know that people are just so freaking infuriated and they have these rules so they're gonna do it if your friend jumped off a bridge with you, it's like, what are you talking about?

You know what I mean? It's so ridiculous. Okay. Sorry. I'm like, I need to calm down. Two freshly cracked eggs any way you like them. Three strips of naturally smoked bacon and a side of toast. Only $6 at A&W's in Ontario.

Experience A&W's classic breakfast on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. Best Western made booking our family beach vacation a breeze. And it felt a little like... life's a trip make the most of it at best western okay so this was from izzy also and it is of mission point lighthouse in grand traverse city michigan this one comes with an accompanying photo oh actually two oh so i'm going to turn it around at the end to show you the accompanying photos and you can tell me what you think like if you think they fit the aesthetic, the vibe. Okay.

If they pass the vibe check. If the photos pass the vibe check? I don't know. I just said that because I see it on TikTok. Okay, this is a three-star review by Ursula. Why do we always use that name? I don't know. This is a three-star. I don't know.

Do we? I don't know. In my head, we do. This is a three- do we i don't know in my head we do this is a three star b by laurie everything but the lighthouse was awesome the view was incredible the lighthouse looked more like a little house with a light on top what do you think the lighthouse is okay the lighthouse looked more like a house with a light i mean that's literally the sentence i believe you can write someone can write that sentence and not like i feel like autocorrect was even like you're trying to say lighthouse and they're like no no

yeah house with a light that's different oh my god the lighthouse looked more like a little house with a light on top. I wonder how many ships crashed in that harbor sunk to the bottom with the captain going, where the hell was that lighthouse at? End of review. And here's the photo. Wait, wait, wait. It's-

What? Two people serenely holding hands at the water's edge. Are they different? No, they're the same photo posted twice. It's the exact same photo posted twice. Okay, I'm like trying trying to i was looking at both of them and thinking okay like spot the difference the difference um it's a couple holding hands by the water's edge looking tranquil and serene are you sure they're not different i'm not sure no i'm looking at the water and the sand maybe i'm just far away so it's hard oh i mean maybe they're different but oh you're right they're

different worse that they're like slightly very slightly different they are different like taking a different stages of the tide coming in but like clearly back-to-back photos almost exactly the same thing perfectly content and happy yeah i don't know they have they got a nice cute photo they're like gazing out of the water so like the last line of i wonder how many ships crashed and sank and everyone died and then there's like this photo of them and just the contrast of that is really something i mean i by the way that's what they're doing that photo they're gazing out the water going i wonder how many ships sank here and the captain said where the hell was that lighthouse at that's what they're

thinking it is a very common style of lighthouse to be a house with a light on it that is i think all over the generally the point i mean like that's the idea it's either that or there's um a tower with a house nearby for someone to live or they just put it all in one so that the lighthouse keeper can live where they work you know right i don't know it's so it's so funny to me and it's cute that one the um if you look that up oh you know this already yeah it's a cute one you're familiar with the mission point lighthouse yes i forget why i look it up recently is it because you're um a captain going where the hell is that lighthouse at because i feel like i was reading up on like all these like these shipwrecks up on uh

i don't know if that's lake michigan or where that is but uh all these shipwrecks and it was right there i'm just making this up oh i was like were they right no they were not right okay okay i can't i can't say they weren't right now well gazing at the water like this they're kind of convinced i don't know they look kind of convincing the way they're so serenely standing there like they must know something i don't know yeah i don't know um but i like also everything but the lighthouse oh no no i misunderstood that everything but the lighthouse was awesome okay yeah which is so i don't know well it bothers me it's too bad like there's this lighthouse in Maryland, and yeah, Fort Washington Lighthouse. It looks like, it's historic, you know, there's a lot of history there, very important U.S.

history, blah, blah, blah. But it looks like a lifeguard tower on cinder blocks. Ooh. And it has holes in it. It doesn't look good. It's's terrible that's all my story i was gonna say is that those exist like why are you complaining about this gourd it's a gorgeous lighthouse i have a feeling if they saw that they probably wouldn't be impressed either so no yeah that's fair like i don't think they know that that those exist yeah and they're also like those like metal ones that there's some that are just

all about like just function well i guess i should send them your tiktok because they clearly don't know what they're talking about yeah you should not do that actually okay or do i don't know i will i'll welcome them i suppose okay they better watch their comments though where the hell is that lighthouse at? That's the comment. My next one is also of St. Augustine Lighthouse. Here's a two-star review. I don't know why people say that this is a beautiful place.

I experience here paranormal activities. That got me. I wasn't expecting that. I thought it was going to say like i experienced bad customer service and then it went like a totally different direction um oh my god yeah i'm not gonna like read read the response from owner but like i said this owner was very on top of reviews they responded to that and they said i'm not sure what you experienced but would love to hear in detail yeah but we'd love to a whole story yeah because they considered themselves to? Yeah and they said I'm not sure what you experienced but would love to hear in detail. But we'd love a whole story about it. Yeah because they considered themselves to be haunted

and they have ghost tours and everything at this lighthouse. Ooh la la. I bet you they say that in a tour like some people even rate it one star because it's so haunted. Yeah. Wow. I experienced paranormal activities.

Oh wow. That is something something else i do wish there were more context right for once i mean saint augustine's an extremely haunted town it's like the oldest city in america i've said that probably six times on this podcast and i apologize let's see what do i have for you next sandy here it is this was sent in by samantha she her and it is of lighthouse decor item on amazon so not quite an actual lighthouse and then said it's weird because i didn't get that for christmas this year weird um weird i didn't get the milk frother asked for so you didn't no must be tough i told like four people i wanted it i know what i told i told the proper people that you wanted it i think that's the problem is that everyone thought everyone else was buying it oh perhaps yeah maybe okay okay this is a review of a lighthouse decor item

currently lost in the mail on the way to alexander i guess and she said we stan ily we love you too samantha okay two stars by christina verified purchase title is i should have known better not worth it it's is just a very thin piece of plastic that sits on top of a tiny plastic stand it looks phallic and cheap from all angles the light works like most leds remote is cheap and works only when it wants to if you're my age you will understand when i say that it's like a giant shrinky dink may be good for a young child end of review i know exactly what they mean when they say it's a giant shrinky day yeah and that tells me enough about it i'm uncomfortable that they said it's lost in the mail if you are my age which makes me feel like i'm a thousand i know i was like oh this is an old person and they said that i'm like

if you're my age it's a shrinky it's a lisa frank shrinky dink i'm like am i that old but i think what what really caught my eye is like it looks phallic and it looks from all angles phallic but it might also be good for a young child oh i'm sort of like i didn't make that pick a lane christina like either it's it looks like a big penis or you want to give it to children i don't know make up your mind um child childlike whimsy yeah and yet it's a large penis yeah i guess it all depends on your attitude so anyway i just was like wow what a what a sad purchase this must have been so you don't want it anymore right no i'm okay okay thank you though i appreciate the effort you're welcome okay my next one is from julie she her who wrote in and uh sent a good amount of reviews some really quality ones nice I think

two from here well my first one is going to be of the Biloxi Lighthouse here is a two-star review this is by Steve it was five-star worthy but the city has removed some of the pokey stops which always had good Pokemon. End of review. Can you imagine? It drives me crazy. Somebody goes to town and it's like, oh, we've heard good things about the lighthouse, your local lighthouse. And he's like, oh, it's amazing. You really got to check it out.

There's a. I caught a Charizard. A Charizard. Like Gyarados or whatever. There's a gym on the corner of the street. If you stand just at the right angle. It like yeah that's not helpful i mean i guess it's helpful to some very specific people but um who removed the pokey stops the city yeah the city it said oh and so like i don't know it's not even the lighthouse's fault that's. Big brother's coming in. Big brother's coming after you.

Just taking our Pokestops away. People are so ridiculous. It's so sad. Do people... I think some people still play that. I've asked this. Every six months, I ask about... Yeah, people do.

...that game. Yeah. There's like... I think it settled down. Yeah. Because it was a huge burst. But I think it's... My understanding is it's...

There's some diehard. ...a decent like. What's it called? What is wrong with me? Fan base? No, no. The game. Player base?

Pokemon Go? Pokemon Go. I was like. I was like, what the heck are we talking about? I was like, Poke, Poke Stop? Poke Men? Poke Men, Jim. Poke Men with the, the, the, the Pika, Pika, Pikachu, Pikachu, Pikachu.

Good ones, Andy. I'm being you. If you're my age it's a shrinky dink it's a shrinky dink of a pika cho okay um wow let's see okay this one was sent in by miguel he him and miguel says the city where i grew up oh gosh here we go it's in spain acaruna has exactly one claim to fame it is home to the oldest lighthouse still in use anywhere in the world wow and this is some fun facts for you sandy it's called the tower of hercules is built by the romans in the first or second century c.e. like a giant stone i think i've seen it alexander i don't have any idea i love okay because i've

googled recently google tower of of Hercules. Yeah. So he says it's either first or second century, was it? It's awesome. That's what it is. CE or perhaps earlier by some other people and then rebuilt by the Romans. So the Romans might have even just come in and rebuilt it. Wow. Rather than build it from scratch from, or whatever, but from scratch is probably not

the right word. You're building an ancient building. I mean, I don't know homemade pyramids um and he says locally sourced stone he says according to legend while hercules was roaming around the iberian peninsula he came upon this area where he fought and killed the evil giant garyon whose skull is buried beneath the tower cool right isn't that neat i love that um so it has 12 my new tiktok let's edit this can we cut all of that yeah and then i'll just use all that content for my tiktok oh but you're gonna credit me as the narrator are you just gonna we'll reach we'll come out come to some sort of deal i'm sure okay great just don't email miguel back because i'll block him yeah he's he's not gonna he's blocked

he's blocked um so this is of the tower of hercules and it has 12 000 reviews and 4.7 stars out of five so that's pretty good should be higher but that's a good place um so shockingly someone left it one star uh let's say this is by javier i know who left it one star. Uh, let's say this is by Javier. I know who left it one star. What? I know who left it one star. Gary on. Yeah.

Fucking giant whose skull is buried underneath. He's down there with a, with a blackberry figuring out how to use Yelp. He's a little behind. Okay, here we go. One star. A disgraceful place. It was a great day in the whole city except for the lighthouse where you couldn't see more than 20 meters away because of the fog total disappointment i don't know who takes care of that but they should fix it immediately end of excuse you somebody fix it

mama papa it's like same thing with complaining about lightning. The fog is rolling in, papa. The fog is rolling in. Who's in charge of the fog? Who's in charge of the fog around here? Someone's slacking on the job. That's a scary thought that someone actually thinks. Also, isn't that the point of a lighthouse? To be the light when it's foggy? Part of it is at night, but sure, it should be strong enough to pierce the fog right

so that uh merchant ships can make it safely ashore if there were a way if someone were in charge of just abolishing the fog lighthouses would be i mean i just think that's like a really cool ability that would probably have prevented a lot of shipwrecks but what do i know um so anyway that i had that was quite amusing good that's good uh my next one this was the same is also from julie and uh she sent in one from the ponce ponce de leon inlet lighthouse and museum so it's in florida ponce inlet florida okay sorry side note i'm just like thinking of all these names of these lighthouses and it just makes me laugh when we're talking about the portland lighthouse and we're like is it in maine or oregon and then i just read one of like the romans built it in the first century

ce or maybe even earlier and i'm like god i'm such an idiot it's such a tool so when you're saying ponce de leon i'm like i'm maybe it's in south america and then they're like in florida i can't keep up with this anyway sorry you go ahead okay that's you've got a good point there okay here's the review this is by joe one star the view is lovely but the staff there must have been trained in north kore. They have a definite attitude problem. Number one, water bottles are banned. Walking up the lighthouse is pretty difficult and water is not allowed.

Classic North Korean move, by the way. It's like a textbook. Textbook North Korean. Their lighthouse, the North Korean lighthouses, they're really strict about water bottles. Famously. That's why you don't want to move there. Walking up the lighthouse is pretty difficult and water is not allowed, supposedly to prevent people throwing bottles off the lighthouse.

I could have thrown my shoes, wallet, and phone from the lighthouse, but they didn't take those from me. I know because I threw my wallet off. What are you talking about? How can you write that and not understand what you're saying like they take something like a water bottle if your water bottle in your mind is equivalent to your shoes your wallet and your phone again we're not talking which is you know high priority stuff we're talking like a dasani it's like no of course you're not gonna throw your shoe there if you threw your shoe off

like you fucking moron i assume they've had problems with people throwing water bottles off because people are idiots and will do shit like that and because it's a water bottle not their wallet can you imagine you throw your wall and they're like why did you do that sir did it fall and he's like no i threw it because you wouldn't give me a water bottle like the logic there of like well you didn't give me any water so. Like the logic there of like, well, you didn't give me any water. So I hurled my shoes off. Yeah. That's like, wait, what do you mean?

What does that mean? I don't know. It's the same fucking argument again of like, it just doesn't equate. It doesn't. The logic doesn't equate. See what else they have to say though. Number two. Oh, there's more.

Oh my God. Sorry. I thought that was the end. No, no, no. There's just a number. There's a second thing. And then a final sentence, a sentences here we go number two one time i got there at 501 p.m and they refused me entry the lighthouse closes at 6 p.m but last entry is 5 p.m i told them i would be very quick and just wanted a quick glimpse of the view but they flatly refused

how unreasonable i just wanted to throw one shoe off literally you're fucking you show up late and then you're saying it's unreasonable for them to not allow you in late no it's unreasonable to expect them what do you want to look for the view he wanted to yeah he said so the lighthouse closes at six but they refuse entry starting at five right right but why does he want to get in so bad? I would be very quick and just wanted a quick glimpse of the view. Oh, he's looking for his wallet down there. That's what it is.

Because I'm like, he's going to be real quick. What is he doing? He's either throwing something or looking for his wallet. God. And then here's the final little thing. Lift your game, people. This is not the Soviet Union, end of review. No, it's North Koreaa how many times do you

have to clarify two very different places i love that this is just you know the type of person that equates everything to like communism without like fully even understanding what that means you know or like i mean that's literally what's happening in this review i guess but wow um classic north korean soviet union move no water water bottles and then cutting you off at 501 i mean that shit bothers me so much like the and the fact that they admit that they were late yeah means that they like okay maybe this isn't fair but they say 501 i wouldn't be surprised if it was more like 505 and they're exaggerating a bit but the fact that they admitted to not being there before they weren't allowed in

like that means that they were just flat out wrong no I totally agree I don't necessarily trust that it was literally 501 but even if it was yeah they have the right to say no sorry it's past 5 o'clock oh where does it stop

that was a good one i could throw my shoe off this lighthouse ridiculous what are you talking about what does it matter with humans go do it i dare you do it like do it do it this is a review sent in by chelsea it's a review of cana island or kana cana island lighthouse in bailey's harbor wisconsin c-a-n-a i don't know don't look at me so this is one of those things where i will spend 15 minutes on youtube trying to find a video of someone saying it and then realize the person in the youtube video said it wrong because they're visiting from out of town and i'm like this is a useless and you get all these emails yeah like you said it wrong and i'm like the youtuber like my first the And you get all these emails. Yeah, like you said it wrong. And I'm like, but the YouTuber.

Like the Macaulay's family trip vlog told me that's how you say it. My first TikTok, I had a terrible mispronunciation. Oh, yeah, I saw that. Yeah. People were very kind about it. Oh, yeah, it was one person who corrected me. And I'm very glad they did. Like just a heads up?

Yeah, yeah. And I was like, great. Now I'll never do it again. But sometimes late at night, I think about that when I'm trying to sleep. Oh, I'm sorry. Anyway, Kena or Kana night, I think about that when I'm trying to sleep. Oh, I'm sorry. Anyway, Kena or Kana? I just think about like... Kena sounds right for... I don't know.

Penn Station. Kanae. What? Just say something ridiculous. Remember when I... Okay, never mind. Are we having two different conversations? Yeah, no, I'm back on track.

Kena Island. I'm going to say that. This is a review by Jesse. It's a one-star review. With three other adults and our two grandchildren, we had no desire to go in the buildings or go in the lighthouse. Was told by the snippy attendant that it didn't matter, that we had to pay the same rate even if we just wanted to walk around the island. Not even close to value for money. So as was our choice, we opted to not visit your island. I do wonder how you prevent folks from

kayaking to the island like the pictures show are there armed patrols hidden man traps mines or just signs posted at regular intervals telling folks they must pay or are in criminal trespass end of review wow how are you gonna hop in a fucking kayak and find out i think that's what they're gonna do it sounds like they're trying to get some intel like oh mines oh, mines, where are they? Give me the exact coordinates. Barbed wire, you say? Yeah.

Glad I know in advance. Are there armed patrols? What are you talking about? See, exactly. So far. They take something that's like a one and just make it a thousand. Yeah. it something that's like a one and just make it a thousand yeah they're like we don't uh we don't

allow people to kayak over here because we want people to pay entry and they're like oh what are you gonna hire the military to stop me it's like no we're not actually and the people who you're dealing with aren't the people generally aren't the people making these rules right yeah the person who's trying to take your money so you can be allowed in right yeah the person who's trying to take your money so you can be allowed in is not the person who's setting the rules and requiring it it's not like they showed up one day and they're like i'm gonna charge people for this whole thing it's like no they have there's a someone at the top who's saying we're charging well there's also a safe in the back with all the coordinates of the landmines and they don't let the employees know that it's too dangerous it's like find out themselves the hard way it's like when there's like a registered

a 7-eleven only has like 50 bucks in it because like the cashier just is like this is all i can do i can't open the safe and so when you ask the the gift shop cashier like where are the armed patrols like he just he simply can't tell can't tell you. He wishes he could. Yeah, because he's scared of them too. He knows that they might come for him next. Anyway. People are so dramatic. Today.

Something is coming. Kong. Godzilla. They can feel it. Fight together. And teaming up. Or face extinction. Godzilla Kong. The new empire. Godzilla Kong The New Empire.

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Now I have my final lighthouse thing. Perfect is from pam she her which uh and this email is just it's just gave me some awesome info i'm very excited i don't know pronunciation of pam of pam i'm i guess on that one but no there's, there's this. So the subject says, the most disputed lighthouse in the world. And I was like, ooh, bold claim. Curious. And it's the Machias, the Machias Seal Island. So M-A-C-H-I-A-S. Seal, S-E-A-L.

Love that. Island. Machias. I'm going to say Machias. Seal Island Lighthouse. And it's on a tiny island in the middle of the bay of fundy and it is home to a breeding colony of puffins oh my god and technically the lighthouse does not belong to the u.s or to canada but there it belongs to the puffins uh but she said there are canadians that have been living at the lighthouse and research station for years so she included this like collage of different reviews oh my god and it's like she wasn't kidding about how disputed this is whether the u.s where the u.s

or canada yeah and these are all five star reviews oh so i'm gonna read a few of them okay so the first one this the funny one i technically yeah i would say so but here's here's just the first this is a little taster five stars what a beautiful island belonging to wakanda end of review so they were like we're not even dealing with any of that they're like i see you see you and I raise you. And here we go. Here's another five-star review. Stunning American island. Absolutely beautiful.

The American puffins were so cute. The Canadian government was so kind to build a lighthouse for the USA free of charge to keep American puffins and fishermen safe. Thanks, Canada. End of review. Wow. Okay. But also american technically means like north america i feel like so right i mean when you say american doesn't that just mean

true i mean not in america not in americans minds well not in americans minds yeah but i feel like american i mean yeah i guess it means the united States in most contexts. But wow, how kind of the Canadians. They just do so many lovely things for us with nothing in return. Here's another five star review. Also, those puffins are citizens of the United States, by the way. Of course, of course. Wow. Here's another five star.

Had to call border control on two Canadians that were cutting the grass. But other than that, this island was one of the most beautiful places I've gone in Maine. Oh no. So they really are just like pushing this. Yeah. Well, and then here on the other side, five stars. Oh yeah. We need to hear from some Canadians. Absolutely beautiful. One of the best places I've ever been in Canada. beautiful one of the best places i've ever been in canada unfortunately situated near america okay so that they're they're admitting the proximity but yes but they're not admitting that it belongs to the americans love it here's another five star this beautiful canadian island with a hundred years of canadian occupation and infrastructure is wonderful the only downside is that americans come and overfish lobsters end of review oh my

um it's like okay so all over the places i mean it's so classic that the u.s is like well it's ours like i i just yeah like what are you doing for this island you're calling the puffins citizens but like are you giving them the right to vote are you giving them social security like what are you contributing it sounds like the canad Canadians are there building infrastructure and you're overfishing. Like, what do you mean that's yours? I don't know. I think it's just what I assume happened was this got some sort of exposure in like a YouTube video or something. Like maybe titled it this way, the most disputed lighthouse in the world.

And then all these people are coming in like jokingly to try to like further this weird like feud that probably no one really thought was happening. But yes. But yeah, no, it looks great. It looks like a fun, cute place to visit because of puffins. They're so adorable. They're everywhere, it seems. Citizens of the world, I think. This side note from Pam, I think, really seals the deal here.

Pam said, there's a Canadian flag on the island. Canadians living there and taking care of it. And the address technically is in New Brunswick, Canada. Americans fish lobster around there. Indigenous folks are rolling their eyes. Okay, you're right, you're right. It's like context, people. You're just watching this happen.

Like, oh, really? It's yours? Oh, really? It's yours? Oh, really? It's yours? Really? The puffins belong to your country? Yeah. That's a really good point, Pam.

So thank you, Pam, for that. Can't wait to take this idea for a TikTok. I love it. That would be really fun. Yeah. I love that. So that's my last one. Do you have more?

I have a redemption. Perfect. That was good timing. This was sent in by Izzy, and it is of the east chop lighthouse in martha's vineyard and it is a five-star review by glizzy johnson oh is that glizzy or glizz glizz and then the initial e okay yep and then johnson five stars they thought that fences could stop the bicep boys. There's more, but... Okay, who's they?

Who are the bicep boys? Let's start with the first word of the review. Who's they? Bicep boys, by the way, is spelled B-O-I-S. Oh, okay. Bicep boys. I was going to say, that's not how you spell bicep. No, no.

Bicep is spelled correctly, and then boys with an I. They thought that fences could stop the bicep boys. There, we're mistaken. Walking is the preferred method of transportation. Peep the lack of bike and car rentals open past 10 a.m. We made it to the lighthouse at match speed while hitting the Peter Pan. The local residents have no... At what?

At mock speed? It says match. Wait. how do you spell it we hit oh no it doesn't how do you say that word mock like mock one like mock like i've literally never heard that in my life mock i think it's mock i think i've probably read it yeah yeah yeah my head it's definitely nothing i don't think i say it often out loud i don't i probably okay wow thank you for correcting me before everyone else did we made it to the well not necessarily they could have been tweeting in that 10 second interval we made it to the lighthouse at mock speed while hitting the peter pan the local residents have

no cone or of blinds so they can anticipate a proper mooning one of these days martha's vineyard was lovely but there were a few bums plaguing the streets of this fine Island. The key to your visit is to go at night when all the establishments are in full vigor. End of review. Ooh, all of this was like full vigor. Yeah.

This did not feel like a redemption at all. Also. I know I focused on the mock thing, but what was that about Peter Pan? Everyone's like, wait, you're focusing on the wrong. I realized that as you kept going i was

like yeah i never really addressed that peter pan thing we made it to the lighthouse at mock speed while hitting the peter pan well i know that's the name of a bus line but i don't know oh but i don't think they go to martha's vineyard do they i mean i feel like hitting the peter pan i don't know it says peter pan marthayard. Oh, maybe it's like a bar. You know what I mean? Peter Pan Bus Lines. Martha's Vineyard online. Okay, so it was that they...

I don't... Okay, from what I remember, it's similar to Greyhound, and they definitely don't go at Mach speed on Peter Pan, if that's what you're implying, Gliz. Also, walking is a preferred... Okay. I don't know what's going on. All of this it's a lot also they can anticipate a proper mooning like he's threatening he's threatening to moon people of martha's vineyard oh no and also i don't know um also there was one more thing i

was going to mention no maybe it was literally just about the mooning i think that's just that's probably probably enough. Yeah, it's probably as far as we should go. Oh, well, also the bicep boys never really brought that up again. Yeah, I was pretty happy not bringing it up again. But doesn't that sound like the most like Martha's Vineyard preppy gang, like the gang that plagues the area, like preppy the bicep boys and they wear like polo shirts and think they're hot shit and moon people i hate it yeah they take the peter pan and like go moon people along the shore you're you christina you should write this i just like first of all remember the lighthouse that's what this was about

oh yeah there's a lighthouse i forgot about that and i forgot about that that's a lot they made it there at mock speed hopefully they don't moon the lighthouse keeper. I know. I might have to avoid that lighthouse. It's dangerous out there. I don't know if I want to get mooned by the bicep boys. No one wants. That might be the worst group to be mooned by.

No one wants to get mooned by the bicep boys. You don't come back from that, I hear. Oh, dear God. Nope. Nope, nope, nope. Anyway, that's all I've got. Okay, cool. Excellent.

I've got a challenge yay there's a slave problem oh with my challenge i couldn't do it what was it it was tough i i okay so i struggled uh the challenge was to find like app store reviews where there's a child pretending to be an adult oh shit and it was very very hard okay yeah i received an email that helped and i think i might have found one that might have fit oops but i decided to just run with what i was scrolling past because it is so like app store reviews are so hard to go through i don't even care i just i just am excited for And there were so many that were clearly children that I felt deserved to be read. They deserve their voices.

Yeah. So I'm going to give these children who are, in my opinion, very clearly doing the opposite of what this challenge was and not acting like adults. They're clearly acting like children, but I'm still going to read them. I'm so excited. It's basically what I came across in my research because i i was i started to do that eventually because i was like struggling so much that i'm like i need content so i started taking these i'm like there's so many good ones for this but like not for the challenge i mean that's kind of what i wanted i feel like i just couldn't say

find app store reviews you know what i mean like this is true this is exactly correct that you did this. Thank you. Thankfully, though, Arrow, she, her, Arrow wrote in and did provide a review of, and I, so she said that this is a common sense media review of the adult swim cartoon Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Oh, my God. I used to pretend to like that show because the guy I had a crush on liked it. Oh, dear God. Which one? You don't have to say it out loud on the podcast, but I think I know. Yeah. That's funny.

I just like never understood. I also pretended to like Blue Oyster Cult for that same reason. I mean, I like Blue Oyster Cult, so that's very strange, though. But yeah, Arrow says, so it says it's written by an adult, but I just don't know if that's very strange though but yeah arrow says so it says it's written by an adult but i just don't know if that's true however they're not trying to convince anyone it's good for kids so it's not like a kid pretending to be an adult with like an ulterior motive so but i agree they're just getting a thrill i very much agree with arrow here really yeah okay so this is posted on common sense media by it says by an adult uh

here's a five-star review of aqua teen hunger force you can like pick adult but i just imagine this kid writing like this is written by and then you enter your name and they're like an adult oh yeah true the the reviewer's name is adult man dad my dad my dad oh my god okay but here's a review it's five stars aqua teen hunger force is the best show ever my favorite character is master shake because he is cute the show is great and the animation is great also i enjoyed that show very much the show is the best end of review signed Signed, my dad. Yeah, that's definitely, definitely, definitely a child. Absolutely.

Right? I thought that was so funny. The anime, aw. I mean. Of all shows, though, like, I don't know. Good point. Good point. Like, I feel like that also doesn't get you much clout in school if you're like, oh, yeah,

I watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Like, why are you gravitating towards that it's so specific oh wait no it gave me zero clout because i never had he never was interested in me but i tried real hard didn't work so maybe i wrote that review maybe yeah i mean your full name is the reviewer name it's so strange an adult christineber. So here's a review of Among Us, the game. Oh, yeah. One star review. This is by Jill.

Among Us is a fun, amazing game. Well, was until when they updated it to 13 plus to be able to change your username. My younger sisters who loved Among Us hated this update because they could not change their name. Although Among Us is fun, most players are under the age of 13 because I'm not the only one complaining about this. End of review. There are so many of us. That's one that I'm like, hmm. Like they're saying, so this is one that I think kind of fits a challenge because they're saying, oh yeah, my younger sister can't play. Oh my God, you're totally right.

Because they're saying like, oh, it's not me that's under 13. T that's under 13 tons of people are saying totally all the other under 13 year olds i'm just concerned on their behalf yeah that's a really good point sandy so i found one i did it you did yeah you proud of me i am and you got one in the email so there yeah it's only gonna get worse now though excellent like it's downhill from there probably for entertainment purposes it's better okay so here we go there's more among us reviews here's a one star bad when i had it i used to have it but everyone cussed at me you noticed you bad okay so I think it's bad asses because it's bad. This is all caps. So it says, you noticed you bad asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, ES.

Yeah, I'm bad. So bad asses? Okay. That's such a, that's not an insult. They were cussed at. They don't know how to cuss themselves. Yeah, clearly. You noticed you bad asses.

You need to make it even more child friendly angry face i'm too young for it end of review i'm too young for this it seems like they their parents probably saw them playing it and saw people cussing and said they weren't allowed to play anymore that's why i don't play that well okay i just not because of the cussing but i'm just like i don't want to talk to strangers i don't know i'm just so intimidated. I'm like, I do one thing wrong. I feel like I would just, it's like why I don't play at like a blackjack table or like bingo because I'm worried I'll fuck it up.

And then everyone. It's very different. Okay. Actually, no. You know what? I take it back. Some people take it. When it involves other people, I get really anxious that like they're all going to.

Pressure's on kind of. It's one thing if it's like just typing, but on Among Us, can't you hear people talking? No. Oh, no, that's Fortnite. Yes, Fortnite, you can hear voice chat with your squad, I believe. Or you can turn it all off, too. But with Among Us, they used to have open chat. You sound a lot like these 13-year-olds.

But I'm pretty sure they changed it so that now it's only a quick chat option. Oh. And you can say things related to the game. Like badasses. I'm pretty sure they changed it so that now it's only like a quick chat option. Oh. And you have like, you can say things related to the game. Like badasses. But I don't know. I don't know if they've cut out all chatting. Anyway.

Yeah. So there are people in there who weren't saying nice things like in any video game. Not to defend it, but yeah. Yeah. I think that's just my, I'm like, I don't want to get involved, you know? You don't want to get involved, you know? You don't want to get involved. Because it's like reading people cussing on the internet means you're involved. I just play Sims. Well, because if I fucked up, like, I feel like, you know what I mean?

Like, I don't want people to yell at me. Yeah, you can't handle that. Even if I deserve it. I'm like, I just play Sims and leave it at that. Oh, God. That's fair. No, no, no. I'm just thinking.

I said, oh, oh god because i was thinking about all my years playing league of legends and just getting just shit talked left oh my god your eyes are like darkened i know hurry up and talk about something else more among us yeah here's a one star among us is sus please make it so it's not sus it is so sus i like men end of review side note what are those okay do you see on tiktok i mean i'm like a thousand but when people comment like i'm gay and no one will know yeah and then people like upvote it or not but like like the comment so it gets there's so many comments no one will know i'm gay and then yeah and the creator pins it this is and people and now i'm like kid like that's not Not a photo, but like the comment, so it gets... There's so many comments, no one will know I'm gay. Yeah.

And the creator pins it. I feel like that's what this is, and now I'm like, kid, nobody's going to pin this. It's not how app reviews work. You're in the wrong app. My next one is my final, I think my final Among Us one. One star. Among Us, sussy imposter balls.

End of review. I'm finding a lot of reasons why i don't play this game i'm like i'm just like reinforcing why i don't play this game okay i lied it's not the end of the review but so they're emojis so let me go ahead so it says among us sussy imposter balls balls is with a z of course and then it's like the the freezing face with the face that's like burr icicle yeah two burr emojis two hearts with like a little twinkle and then the uh the double heart the pink double heart one and then a teddy bear oh and then the double exclamation points three times what what does it mean i don't't know. What does it mean? Teddy. Freezing heart bear.

I'm going to stop saying combinations in case I say something bad. Uh-oh. I don't know. Maybe it does mean something. I don't know. I have no clue. I hope not. Let's move on to another game called Roblox.

Oh, boy. That was not something that we experienced. No, I think we missed that whole thing. I'm pretty sure Francisca never played either. That would have been our introduction to it, is if Francisca, who is now 17, if she played it ever. But I've never... I don't know anything about it. Me neither, really.

I don't really get it. I feel like I've seen it in passing, and I don't really understand what it is. I know that children are very deeply into it. They go crazy for it. And they're like, you can chat with other people, and I think you can have... Is it like Minecraft? No, I don't think so.

I think it's like a world. I think it's closer to Toontown than it is to Minecraft. Okay. But I don't know if that's even remotely accurate, so I understand if people correct me. Anyway, Roblox. And there's Robux, I think. Robux or something? It's their currency.

Oh, okay. It's like an online virtual game and you play with other people. I feel like we're probably triggering a lot of parents who are dealing with Christmas. You know what I mean? I bet that was a big hit this year. I don't know.

Here's a one-star review. I give Roblox a one star because they don't have enough Jake from State Farm games. End of review. What? I don't know. Like, people might be like, oh, yeah, that's a reference. I understand. But I'm like, what?

Roblox Jake from State Farm? God, you know, you got to love that Jake from State Farm. Do you think? I mean, I don't you know, you gotta love that Jake from State Farm. You really, do you think, I mean, I don't even know where to begin with that. I feel like that could very well be like a sponsorship thing or it could just be like a weird in joke that we don't get. Yeah, I looked it up and it's like a thing. Like Jake from State Farm is in Roblox. Wait, for real?

Supposedly. Oh my God. I think they're like memes about Jake from State Farm playing Roblox. I don't know if it's accurate but there's not enough though this is so weird there needs to be more of jake from state farm maybe maybe i should start playing this on stream or something i don't think so okay here's a one-star review so i know what i did and i apologize but if i was the only person in that experience who got banned then I think that I should get unbanned because nobody follows the rules in those games everyone swears or has sex at least the game don't you dare ban the game should be banned first I'm annoyed and angry and

sad this is the only game on my device also can I point out no one I've ever reported has gotten banned so I'm simply asking if you can reply with, we will check it out. Thanks. End of review. Oh my gosh. Don't play Roblox. It sounds dangerous. It sounds just as dangerous as Among Us.

Awkward. I gave Leona a nice Robux gift card or whatever it's called. Oh, is that why Blaze is just on his phone all the time? He's playing Roblox now? He's like boosting her account for when she's old enough to play forget the college fund he's just boosting a roblox account for um alexander what the hell everyone is having sex in this game i mean what that's the thing that was the thing in runescape too and you can like buy a girlfriend and stuff are you serious yeah but it's like not

like in a second life way right like this is just kind of a like okay in run, but it's like... Not like in a second life way, right? Like this is just kind of a... Like, okay, in RuneScape, it's like certain emotes can like mimic your character doing certain motions. Oh my God. It's not a thing. It's not meant to be, right? No, God, no, no. And I assume the same is very true for Roblox, where you're not like... I don't know, actually.

There might be like beds and stuff. They got banned, so like clearly this is not a thing that's allowed. Got banned. For having sex in robots? God. I couldn't imagine that. I feel like now all the parents are like, wait, what? Should I be looking at what my child's doing?

Truly, though. I mean, this is alarming. I mean, okay, I did weird shit on RuneScape, so. I love this kid going, let me back in. Everyone sucks. It's not just me everyone swears and i love how they say like like you gotta ban the game but then they said but please don't actually but also don't like don't take it that far but also they said nobody i ever reported was

banned which means they're just sitting there reporting a bunch of people i love that they i know themselves for swearing. Okay, this is just wild. I don't think I'm mentally prepared for this. No, there's more. Oh, more reviews. Yeah. Here's a one-star review.

I gave you the middle finger. You banned me when it's almost my birthday. Just wow. I hate you. Just worse than Minecraft. You guys are so making mad and I hate you. I want my account back. If you don't, I will delete it and will give the middle finger every time.

End of review. Which is like at their phone. The middle finger. I love how they're like, if you don't give my account back, I will delete it. When clearly that means they don't have access to their account, so they can't delete it. Oh, I thought they meant delete the app from their phone. But yeah, you're probably right. Well, then maybe even then, like, it doesn't matter.

They don't have the account either way. Which is even funnier. Like, I'm just going to delete the app from my phone. So there. As if, like, that's going to affect Roblox. Wow. I'm overwhelmed by these, I have to say. This next one is going to be the biggest biggest one and then we're gonna like

longest the longest and it's just a lot i i'm gonna try to get no punctuation most of these have no punctuation but this one is very long with no punctuation and then after this we'll kind of just it'll calm a lot down this is the day new mall this is yes so this is another roblox one uh titled bro one star okay i lied there's punctuation the first sentence and then none the rest gotcha roblox why do you force us to literally play with our i friends my friend is sometimes makes me very sad so i wanted to ask why do you force us to play with our friends? I wanted to play without him. Then once he joined, he picked another unfair song. I mean, like the heck?

I just wanted to play alone for once. I know there's private servers, but then I cannot play with other people. And when I play Funky Friday on a private server, it gives less points. It shorts it down to literally two points and one, three, four. And it makes me sad that if it's literally 1,000 minutes of pain, it will only be three. And I would cry. So since my sis loves this game, I'm going to give it one star for that. You can't play without friends.

And the fact you sometimes let adult content on it, even with blood. Then when I searched for horror games, there's Happy Oof Day. Thanks for blocking that game off. Totally did not want to play it, but you can just delete the content instead of just leaving it there. It kind of takes space for Roblox. So I'd rather play Minecraft since one of the games said Roblox is better than Minecraft where a noob killed Steve. But that does not mean that Roblox is better than Minecraft. They're both so great.

Games, sorry if you're sad, but also i lost my dad when i was nine he went to jail for four days and my mom could not ever see him again if she does she will be taken away and sent to jail end of review alexander yeah what the i i'm hoping this is some sort of copy pasta I'd like to think I'm pretty up to date with certain copypastas this one was all new to me it doesn't really seem like a copypasta it's like not wild enough to be a copypasta that's what I was thinking

that ending made it seem a little bit sussy Alexander there's a lot there and I feel like people who are better versed in Roblox are probably nodding their head at certain parts like if this equivalent was for like runescape i'd be like yeah okay i see what they're trying to say yeah but for me reading this i'm like i have no idea what's going on it seems just wild i mean 1000 minutes of pain i'm like this

sounds terrible like a terrible game i think that was yeah so to get three point you would only get three points even if you're playing it for that long yeah something like that wow so this kid has a friend who's clearly just all up in his business yeah like this roblox game is forcing playdates with people he doesn't want to hang out with so rude that sucks man i've been there feel you oh yeah like your your podcast you're forced to hang out with someone that you don't want to hang out with yeah but that was of my own volition you know i kind of sealed my fate with that wow i oh wow ad center is that how children talk because if that's how leona talks in like 10 years i don't think i have enough tylenol to like fix my headache from that like if

if children literally talk this way i feel like i'm just gonna lose my mind i mean get used to it i have more examples saying i'm like yeah that's a good question what are you talking about steve is the minecraft thing i was finally understanding jake from state farm and now we're on steve i think steve is like the main minecraft character oh my gosh yeah oh my gosh this is like the main Minecraft character. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Oh my gosh. This is like, I feel like I'm going to be that parent when a kid is into something and

you finally start to get a hang of it. And then they're like, no, that's stupid. And then they'd like something different all of a sudden. And you're like, well, shit, I was just finally understanding Harry Potter. That was our dad with Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2004 on GameCube. He beat Super Tiger. He's like, oh, it was up until 2 a.m. beating Super Tiger. I'm like, okay, dad, I'm kind of done with my GameCube.

And then I sold my GameCube. Oh. And he was upset. And then you never saw him again because your mom went to jail or something. I'm trying to do the copy-paste again. I think I messed it up. Yeah, you did. But you'll get there.

I'll send you the link so you can just review it. I'll post it a few places. I'll post it in the BGCNE Patreon Facebook page. We're on to our final game. Game? Oh. Game app. I'm like, we're playing a game?

Do you know what game this would be? Think of what kids are playing on iPhones. So it's on phones. I mean, I only ever played Frontierville, and that was on Facebook. This one, like... Talking Tomcat and Angela. No, we've played this one. Angry Birds.

No, no, no. Hold on. Let me think. Is it like a simulation? No. It's not that deep. It's like an average cell phone game? Yeah, kind of.

Candy Crush. I mean, average. It's very popular, but... Candy Crush. No. I think similar vibes words with friends no new york times crossword puzzle no i'm just listing my apps subway surfers i forgot about that game i played that on my ipad i think because you could like move your ipad oh remember the one with um temple temple run yeah yeah temple run very similar yeah yeah remember the one where so now i'm just listening games what's the one where you'd have fun run what's that where you had like multiple and you had to jump over like okay never mind i i like

that one i thought you played that maybe you didn't maybe i just don't know what that you're talking about yeah we all used to play in the living room oh my god that's hilarious i forgot about this game anyway sorry go on uh so so what is it what are we doing again subway servers subway servers okay here's a one-star review finally something i get i hate subway surfers subway surfers is so bad because all you just do is run also that spray it looks like fart so yeah all of you creators should just give up on your game because no one even likes it anymore end overview oh someone is projecting someone needs to like journal this is also you need to see a doctor if that's what your farts look like because

i really don't think that's an accurate if you're seeing your farts it's not a fart friend no yeah something else that's another thing yeah something else is happening oh myarts, it's not a fart, friend. No, yeah. Something else is happening. That's another thing. Yeah. Something else is happening. Oh, my. If it's like graffitiing the walls. Yeah. Something else is happening to your body.

I mean, that's literally the point of the game. You just run. That was the. Or I guess you skateboard. I don't really know what you do. I think you're just running. Maybe. I don't know.

I don't know either. And then you're just running. Oh. Maybe. I don't know. I don't know either. And then you jump over trains. It's weird. Okay. Like, that was the last one that had any sort of real thought behind it. In my humble opinion. Sorry, those had thought behind it. That one was the last.

No, not all of them did. I'll give you that. But that was the last one that did, for sure. Okay. In my eyes. Here's a one-star review of subway surfers titled peen oh god okay here's a review peen end of review you can guess who wrote that 69 something teen boy 69 i love how your thoughts put teen boy there

it's long and hard 69 oh it's close you got the 69 i was accurate i just had a different suit and here's the one star review titled balls oh my god is this also by the same person no this one is by chicken on joe mama well yep that also fits here's the review your mom this is like this is why i don't miss middle school. And then here's a one-star review titled, Deez Nuts. Bro, you know my name,

but you will never know my pain. End of review. What's his name? It's nothing. That's the thing. It's nothing. You're never going to know. Did you see Snoop Dogg's TikTok today?

I actually did not. He was smoking and he said, Deez nuts roasting on an open fire. That's it? Yeah, or he said like one more line, but it was like, people were like, Snoop Dogg making a Deez nuts joke? That's so weird. And smoking? What is happening? I don't know.

It was something else, but maybe it wasn't a teen boy 69. Yeah, maybe that was a snoop dog i'm narrowing my perspective a little too much i'd say so wow that was fun was it was something it was definitely it was better than your challenge last time i was like finding our names i thought that was fun though inappropriate this one i'm sorry i failed i i did struggle a lot and like reading app store reviews as fun as it can be but especially for these big games and these children reviewing it oh god your head must hurt so you don't search i couldn't figure out a way to search okay that's what i was

realized when you said it was hard because like how do you narrowing it you can't narrow it down and you just have to keep reading and for these people review them so often there are an absurd amount of reviews for each one of these so like just scrolling through you're going and it's just pages and pages and pages you just keep scrolling scrolling scrolling yeah and then you see a bunch of bullshit like that and you're like i don't know what to do with this but like that is the best content i'm getting out of this whole thing which was a shame but um which was a shame. But it was a good challenge. And Arrow, thank you for helping out with that. Yeah, Arrow came through for real.

Guess how many ratings Among Us has, for example? 13,000. 655,000. Shut up. Are you serious? 655,000. Is that the Apple app store? Yeah.

Wow. Yeah. Isn't that insane? What's's the rating it was like four something man i think wow well oh and subway surfers has uh 1.4 million what yeah but that includes like just the if you just hit five stars without like yeah it doesn't include it's not all reviews got you but, 1.4 million ratings. Holy crap. Yeah. Well, I'm glad you read every single one of those to prepare for today. It's much appreciated, even though your brain's probably just turned to mush.

Yeah, I don't feel so good. I don't feel good, and I only heard like five. Well, thank you, everybody. We will be back next week. I guess we're going to celebrate the last hours of Christmas by snacking and watching football. I don't know. Not probably. Should we give them another theme and challenge?

Is it time? Oh, that's right. Because it's the first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So you give the first theme, right? Sure. Our first theme, because I just want to live on island time after that, you know, don't you?

Yeah. Things are getting out of control. Yeah. And I think it's time for us to get out of control it's a perfect place for it p.s remember when i told everyone it was 2022 that's what we had to mention shit i should have said that up top that was hilarious yeah i accidentally kept yelling that it was the new year and it like was i went with i went along with it it was like last week like it was still december and i was very wrong i think we're both thinking about how our themes were for the new year that we had planned.

Correct. So whatever. But so now I think we are officially in the new year with these. I think officially you're right. Wait, no, this one's not. God, Christine. Yeah. Well, the one that's coming out.

Yes. This one that we're in. The theme we're revealing is definitely in the new year. Yes. Okay. Yes. Sorry. Oh my God. Sorry god sorry theme is what is this comes out like the 28th or something yeah so not yet the theme what do you think we're in island time where are we going oh come on lose control loosen up a bit margaritaville hell yeah shut up reviews of margaritaville shut up that's so fun it's january why not oh hell yes okay wow oh my eyes are gleaming i'm so excited that's so good that's

so good okay margaritaville well here's your challenge um and this was sent in by kian uh he they and kian said he was planning a trip with their partner and they were going to take their dog with them and they're looking for a tsa approved pet carrier so their challenge is to find reviews of items that claim to be tsa approved but end up having a problem when going through tsa so it's kind of but also in my mind if that's too difficult you can also just look for like items that gave issues at tsa like Amazon. I feel like this will be... It's at least easier to search. No, yeah.

No, I feel like this will be very possible. I'm hoping. Yeah, I think there are going to be some good stuff there. I like it. Sweet. Okay. What's the theme after that? So Natalie sent this one in, and this one's pretty wild.

So they said, you often say in episodes you have certain profiles bookmarked when the reviewer is particularly bonkers. I think it would be really cool if you guys could revisit previous interesting reviewers and then listed all these different reviewers that we've come across. Wait, what? Okay, sorry. So here are some examples. Monty, Foodie News 1. And then, you know, the...

Fox, obviously. Fox, Jimbo the Eradicatorator who couldn't handle the sexy stuff in the great oh okay like they actually put all the like i love it okay references since there's an index i'm obsessed with there is an index and like there's a whole list like signed douglas guy from the waffle homes episode and then natalie said you can even like read the original reviews to like spark the memory of who this person was. I love that. That's a great idea.

Jacuzzi John, who had that saga about like the journey that you called it. And I called it a saga of like all the different times you went to the jacuzzi over the years. Anyway, whatever. There's so many. The dollar store guy in the Renaissance paintings, like just so many people that we could try and look up. I love it. I love it. I don't know how easy it will be to find some of these people, but we can try. Oh, we'll do our best though. I love this. Yeah. So there's

some more in there. I'll forward you the email or star the email or something so you can see. Amazing. What's my challenge? Your challenge, this one comes from Raven, he, him. So this one is very much for you. We haven talked about this this in a while i don't think we've done anything like this okay but i would like you to find reviews of places that mention ghost shows so ghost adventures in this case specifically they brought up zach baggins so if they mentioned like zach baggins that works easy um because apparently he was he found myself looking at trip advisor reviews of zach bagel bites museum and yeah there my friend yeah exactly yeah we were there at good times oh i meant been there on the trip advisor but also been there that's the hell that's what started

the show was us on the after literally you're right you know we came up with this idea origin yeah driving uh reading reviews of his haunted museum so um we have we have him to thank for everything yes we do always well just that's true across the board it doesn't even matter for what yeah all of it yeah and there's some lighthouses oh boy haunted places go back to that but yeah basically like haunted places but that specifically mentioned a tv show like ghost shows like ghost adventures or something awesome yeah so that's exciting yay okay sounds good well we are off to finish up our holidays um just probably eating so we'll see you it we will see you in 2022 this time i'm 99 sure i think so after wait no not this not

this one next one i mean next one yeah we'll figure this out. We might see you someday. And then once we start recording those episodes, we'll be saying 2021 all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because we're not caught up. We're confused all the time. Thanks for dealing with us, everybody. Bye-bye. Bye.