Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 162: Reviews of Helen, Georgia

Episode Date: January 5, 2022

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Conditions apply. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Howdy ho. Well, I guess I should say Yodel-ay-hee-hoo. Isn't that Swiss? I don't know.

Our German mother does that, so. How about Grüß dich. That's my austrian oh gosh that was good grustig we're here for some georgian german georgian german wow remember i listened back to the episode where we gave this theme where i gave this theme and i said wow i'd love to go there and we were like we should totally go sometime it sounds amazingly fun and quaint and whatever what was i talking about i've never read a fucking review of this place i just assumed yeah you just now i don't want to go you don't want to go now that's what i was saying i've you know what i have a fun fact what i've fucking been there what i forgot wait what do you mean when okay i was with so simon

kate and friends yeah i'm focusing on them because they're the georgians right now yeah living down there um and our group we went hiking on some mountain near atlanta right and it was over there and i I remember because this is all like, mashed together. So any of my friends are going to listen to this are going to listen and be like, you remembered all of this wrong. And I probably did. But I remember we went to a German restaurant. And so that's why I had this thought was, wait, have I been there? And sure enough, I was like, I looked it up. And I think I was like, yeah. And I think Kate was saying that she would go there. Was it Big Daddy's?

Was it Big Daddy's? I couldn't find it. I don't know. I'm sure it's one of them, like one of the ones I looked at. But I can't remember. And I was looking at different street view images. I couldn't totally remember. I don't even remember what I ate.

That was before I was vegan. So I blocked that out of my memory and pretended I never did it. But no, we went. And I think we stopped at a Dairy Queen nearby. But again, I could be like combining multiple days spent hanging out down there. You should have one of those experiences with a therapist, a regression, you know. Maybe you can.

I'll have like Simon and Kate, they'll sit me down, like just tie me to a chair. Okay, wow. Okay, that's not quite. The numbers, Mason. That's not quite what I was thinking. Okay, anyway. But anyway but anyway but yeah and i

think kate said that something about going there when she was younger i could be totally wrong well is she from georgia yeah well it sounds like a because a couple people emailed and were like oh i used to go there growing up yeah and some people live nearby i feel like it's something you do i'm like a solid 51 sure that's pretty solid well not really but it's it's translate it's translucent i'm sorry kate by the way like all of this was wrong she's like it's like i don't even remember you ever being down here uh so as you've most certainly figured out by now we're reading reviews of uh a town called Helen, Georgia, which is a quaint German-esque town. It's purported to be like a little Bavaria type situation, for better or for worse.

Did you read about why this happened and how this happened? I did not. So, of course, you think, well, maybe I don't know. I have no thoughts about this. No like no don't put that clearly based on this intro i have no real clear concrete thoughts yeah i figured that out uh but so i thought oh well like it was probably you know we're in the midwest like i was like it's probably one of those situations where immigrants came over and preserved immigrants god damn it i thought you had no thoughts keep your mouth sorry sorry that one just popped in my head that's not a thought that's just like a hardcore belief that you hold yeah that's just

core to my ethics just immigrants is just it's just a reaction that happens our parent but we might have new listeners like that one person who's listening for the first time ever our parents are both immigrants so isn't that fun first generation american over here yeah brag no it's not but i'm just saying i that is not core to my ethics uh it's not i'll cut this part out so we don't explain it but so i was like oh well immigrants probably came over and like left some of their heritage in the town and you know no apparently in the 60s there's it was this failing town in georgia and these meeting of the mind this meeting of the minds happened where these guys got these old men got together and were like what can we do to like a group of irishmen right a group of

immigrants a group of people got together and were like how can we like build the town back up and their solution was to make a themed town it seems to have worked yeah and it worked yeah um again for better for worse but that's what we're reading reviews of, like the town itself, places, restaurants. And can I throw in a note that I forgot to say at the beginning of the episode that really doesn't fit here, but I want to say it anyway. I'll allow it. So I feel like as a review podcast, we'd be remiss not to mention that now on Spotify, you can rate podcasts. That's right. So I already rated us five stars.

You're welcome, Alex Zinner. Thank you. And you can rate us five stars. You can't rate us one star. That's not allowed. We have 646 ratings? Yeah, dude. Let me give one.

Oh, shit. I actually did. Don't do that. No, I gave it five. Oh, thank you, everyone who's already done that. I know. I don't even know how it happened, but one day i looked at it and i was like where did all these people come from so if if you've been one of those people who didn't know how to review us because

you don't have apple podcast check us out there yeah anyway that's all i wanted to say oh that's a great thing to do and yeah we should have said that before we went into all that rambling about immigrants yeah yeah well I don't know. Well, maybe some people. There's some podcasts that do well off that kind of rhetoric. Not naming names. But yeah. Also, thank you to everyone who joined our Patreon.

We were like talking about the new characters from our most recent Patreon episode. And we got a bunch of new patrons. We were very obnoxious about that. And the sad thing is it worked. It worked so well. So I feel good about it. We should keep doing it. But I also feel a little weird about it.

We lost a number of you, but also it balanced out. But hey, our Patreon bonus for December was longer than our Between You and Us bonus. Oh yeah, that's true. So you got some good quality content, I would say. I'm not going to stand by good or quality, but content for sure. You got some long content, which I don't know, I get to hear my voice more, which I find to be a very good thing that I give you.

Worth the money for sure. Yeah. Also, one more thing. Yeah. Happy New Year, everyone. Fuck. For actually Happy New Year. I mean, really. give you worth the money for sure yeah um also one more thing yep happy new year everyone um for actually happy new year i mean because like two episodes ago we were saying happy new year and it wasn't even christmas yet literally wasn't christmas i think we were just desperate to get out of that year into another failing year i mean i don't know what we expected but what's funny is

people might listen a year down the line just not pay attention to the date it was originally released and be like oh it's a new this is from 2022 already and then like two episodes later we're like no that wasn't or we'll keep listening be like why do they keep saying happy new year every week like it seems like a two months worth of happy new years we'll be right one of these times someday we will okay um hell in georgia oh one thing when i was down there i think i have this memory of oh boy all my memories are fuzzy but yeah kate just saying that and then we're looking around and saw like a big windmill but it was dark when we were actually at the town sounds like a dream we saw it and now we were like whoa oh my gosh this is so random because it was so random yeah i mean it seems like the epitome of random, this place. It was like, wait, why is this here?

But it was cool from the car in the dark. Cool. So. It sounds neat to me. Shall we get into some reviews? Let's do it. Do you want to go first? Sure.

Okay. I've got one written. This review is written by John, and this is of fast food funnel cakes dot dot dot. I don't really know what the place, that was in the place's title. Et cetera. Something fast food funnel cakes. Stood around forever and nobody ever came out to serve us. I could hear someone watching TV.

I rang the bell multiple times. No service. Must not want business business and then the owner responded so it was a pretty quick stop interrupting my my stories they said yeah trying to watch tv and you keep ringing my doorbell yeah well here's actually what they had to say okay we are closed like the sign says until this weekend. Thanks for being understanding as we worked through the whole holiday season without a break. How about you? We are closed.

The cleaning staff is in to deep clean while we are closed. When we are closed, the friars are not on. So even if the cleaning crew wanted to serve you, they couldn't. Okay. And then, so this is very confusing. Okay. So then. I mean, i can agree with that john edited his review based on that response okay and said this as you can see in their response they claim to be closed with the door open lights on and some

employee inside their schedule says they're open also not sure how a customer's work schedule is relevant to your non-existent service whoa end of review yeah and then well not actually end of review um and then the owner response this is so the response to respond to that ass backwards i know it was very confusing reading it the first time but then as i figured it out i was like oh also i haven't read this for like a month because i was ready to record a while ago and it was not we know we just haven't gotten to because of the holidays so here we go and then here's the owner response again all right hopefully it's clear for the listeners as the music changes right true true True, true. For you, you're just sitting there like, what the fuck is going on?

I'm following. To answer the schedule relevancy bit, my employees worked every day for 21 days straight. So out of respect for their sanity, I opted to close during the slowest week of the year for them to have time with their families. Not that my schedules are any of your business. Gosh, you are pitiful. And the response. And then John wanted the last word.

So at the top of his review, edited it to say. At the top. Yeah, because he wrote this at the top and then said original review colon. Got it. So this is the newest update. The newest update said, just read their pleasant response to my review so you can see what to expect. It speaks for itself end of review oh you gotta love people who gaslight other people by baiting them until they snap and then saying wow what's the matter with you and the snapping honestly yeah they called

john pitiful but hey if you're complaining about this business's schedule and taking care of their employees i don't see what all of your employees schedules have to do with me getting a funnel cake at three in the morning okay also like they literally clarified oh there's a cleaning crew in there yeah they explained the situation there's an employee with a broom in there and he won't feed me a funnel cake even if he wanted to feed you a funnel cake the fryers are off it's very clear to me what the owner is saying. And it's basically saying these are the reasons why. But also, very good point by the owner. It's none of this person's business what the schedule is like to this specific amount.

Yes. So when the cleaning crew is there, why they're giving their crew a week off, it shouldn't matter. Yeah. It shouldn't matter. It's their clothes like if the employee says you're closed it also didn't matter because they were seeing their families and he didn't give a shit yeah yeah it didn't even matter but yeah oh gosh that man with the broom all he wants to do is give you a funnel cake and yet and yet the friars are off it's pretty tragic also thank god because if the friars were

on and he was like i would love to give you a funnel cake i don't work here so let me see if i can figure it out yeah that seems like a dangerous task true true true true oh boy but i don't know john seems very desperate john might do it himself yeah um okay so oh by the way this theme was suggested by annalise i wrote it down for reference so this is a one-star review by Oscar, and it is of the town itself, which has a Yelp page. Did you have any of, like, just the town? I have one of the Helen Welcome Center. Ooh, I didn't see that.

So I think that's the closest you get on Google. Okay. Well, here's one of Helen Georgia on Yelp. This is a one-star review by Oscar. Georgia on Yelp. This is a one-star review by Oscar. Why is there no option to give zero stars or negative stars? This place deserves negative eight stars out of five. Do not waste your time or money in this crap town. I will starve before the poop hole restaurants in Helen get another dime from me. I will walk on two broken ankles to the edge of the world and sleep in a pile of glass shards with a homeless guy's used toilet paper as my cover before I stay the night in Helen again.

When this town, it's a street with buildings on either side, goes bankrupt, I hope they use the space for something worthwhile. If not surrounded by this squishy, smelly turd of a town, the otherwise beautiful river could be used for a hydroelectric power plant. Just a thought. Take your money anywhere or everywhere else this place sucks one person found this review cool oh cool i wasn't sure which one it was gonna be um something very very personal happened and and I don't blame the town. Something had to have happened. I heard the funnel cake restaurant was closed. I feel like this person, Oscar here, was slighted in some way.

Must have been. Maybe by the mayor. Oh, yeah, at the Welcome Center. You know, something like that. I could see it. So maybe they did have a legitimate gripe to begin with. But this is not how you go about it. Yeah, this isn't.

It's a little extreme, too. It's pretty extreme. I mean, I will walk on two broken ankles to the edge of the world, which to me sounds kind of like a Foo Fighters song. And they're true. And they're also flat earther. So it's like. The ends of the earth. Yeah.

Well. Foo Fighters song. It sounds like a lyric. You're not wrong. I will walk to the edge of the world on two broken ankles for you isn't that like okay never mind i'm thinking of that julian baker song sprained ankle or whatever i don't think i know that one never mind i'm trying yeah but yeah foo fighter sounds about right i think so you know i would sleep in a pile of glass shards before i got back together with

you i don't know it seems pretty emo to me i feel yeah it does but i feel like usually that's in the context of a relationship not in the context of hating a small georgia town that's made to look like bavaria that's where you could be wrong because if you listen to like say a foo fighter song you're not sitting there're not sitting there going, wow, this must be about, what could this possibly be about? You just kind of make the assumption it's about a relationship. What if really, like, it was just about random locations that they'd traveled, kind of like Fox, you know?

Yeah. Just like this Red Robin makes me want to sleep in a pile of glass shards, but. It's like if that song, like can be a hero baby if that song were about being the hero of a town and getting a key to the city he wants to be mayor yeah yeah yeah i don't know mayors are often not heroes wouldn't be the hero of the town you don't think the mayor of hell in georgia vigilante is a hero um this is getting really awkward you know actually you know what he's a close personal friend i yeah i didn't want to be the one to say it but no i don't is it about the windmill

after what he did to that windmill and in that windmill so many times And in that windmill. So many times. And on those sprained ankles, too, or whatever. Broken feet. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Negative eight stars.

Should I go? You should please go. I've lost the plot a long time ago. It's interesting, by the way, that you said you don't want to go there anymore because yeah this next review might change your mind oh okay it is a one-star review of the helen welcome center all right and uh this is by carl oh you're right i'm in carl said it i'm in helen has gone to crap it used used to be Christmas year round. Now the Christmas shop are kind of weird cult bookstore. End of review. I would like to go to there.

I know, it sounds like right up your alley. Oh, hell yeah. A culty bookstore that's sort of Christmas themed. And Carl isn't there. Carl refuses to go. And Carl wants nothing to do with it with his broken ankles. Yeah, exactly. He fell off a shovel.

Wow. do with it was his broken ankles yeah exactly he fell off a shovel um wow uh culty bookstore christmas shop i did read about the shops being very you know tchotchke-esque and kind of um tourist town touristy right yeah um actually one put one review described it as myrtle beach without the beach and i found that to be really fun. That's hilarious. And evocative, if you will. What did it evoke for you? It sort of evoked a feeling of airbrushed t-shirts, the smell of funnel cake or not, depending on the week. Airbrushed t-shirts, that's good.

You know what I mean? But also kind of with a Germanic flair. Oh. Or like a wannabe Germanic flair. Airbrushed lederhosen. Ding, ding, ding. We nailed it. Okay.

That's it. All right. Meeting over. Talk about meeting of the minds. We've already got our merchandise figured out. Our own, like, start our own. Buy a shitty town somewhere. Why? I say shitty town somewhere. Why?

I say shitty town. You say Nebraska. Well, I only say that because you're right. That was bad. Bad look marketing wise. But, you know, Dorcas owns more than half of it. True, true, true. We could get a good deal.

Yeah. Dorcas definitely is our friend after how we discussed her. Insulted her. Also, we're already scheduling prom there. We might as well. Is that in Georgia or Nebraska? Yeah. I don't know why I thought it was somewhere else.

All right. You know what? Christina, Nebraska is the one state I always forget exists. You ever try to fall asleep by naming all the states, all 50? Do you think I could ever do that? No. I would get to 15 and start crying. Okay.

Well, I always get to 49. Not anymore because it happened so many times that I would get to 15 and start crying okay well i always get to 49 not anymore because it happened so many times that i would get to 49 and the last one was always nebraska see this is how i know your um your uh your game doesn't work because you're getting all the way through it and then trying to figure out what the 50th one is it doesn't sound like you're falling asleep at any point do you know what i mean yeah isn't the point you're trying to fall asleep? Yeah. It just occupies my mind, I guess. It keeps me from thinking about things that would keep me up late longer.

I see. Like the things that make your heart rate go up and you're like, oh no, now I'll never sleep. Except once I hit 49, then I get all stressed because I forget the last date. Right. And then I have to like go check my phone. You have to look at your prom invite yeah okay i get it because i haven't gotten a prom invite that's why i forget nebraska exists okay oh prom invites incoming from all our listeners i feel like if you're listening to this and you've never listened to the show you're like

what the actual fuck is going on yeah this is a really a weird this is a weird vibe it's the start of 2022 so it's weird weird start but it's a weird start maybe start on a different episode just trust us that it might get better well okay this is a one-star view of alpine mini golf which is a place that um some people described as being the only redeeming quality of this entire geographical area. Yeah. But not I Love Cece, who gave it one star. Awful nightmare golf.

This is the worst golf my kids have ever played. They were begging to leave the place was so run down and awful. Beware. Save your money and save your kids the heartache mine were trying to get out of their asap they'd rather have been at a funeral home end of review what there's some it's mini golf chill i asked would you rather be at a funeral home and they said mom why do you keep asking me that maybe they're just like really just morbid children that don't like mini golf

yeah maybe you know i feel like that's a cliche character that one creepy child who he's like i want to look at a casket yeah yeah yeah i feel like the implication's pretty fucked up because you're saying they'd rather be at some at a loved one's funeral right now you know what i mean like why else i don't know nothing about a loved one i think they're they want to be at the owner of that mini golf space funeral you know we'd like to send them to the funeral home yeah i thought that was odd that like you're bringing your kids to this mini golf and you're like i know what would be better than this a funeral it's just really i can't imagine the kids came just came up with that one. Yeah. If they did, you're right. What a fun character from a TV show.

But in reality, I assume the parent was like, this is where my mind went, which like. Dark. A little dark to be putting on your small child. Very unnecessary. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, heartache indeed. So.

That's all. Heartache indeed. This episode is brought to you by RBC Student Banking. So that's all. Thank you. unlock more perks for less with rbc vantage conditions apply offer ends june 30th 2024 new eligible clients only complete criteria by august 30th 2024 visit rbc.com student 100 hello darlings this is lisa vanderpump will you join me in france for a new reality show meet my hand selected staff as they work live and play at chateau roosevelt their job is to provide once-in-a-lifetime experiences for our guests and of course they'll have to meet my standards and not everybody has what it takes vanderpump villa has first-class luxury and

world-class drama i'll be there will you vanderpump villa premieres apr 1st, streaming on Disney+. very friendly service. The iced tea and lemonade are nothing but flavored water. I never want to see a waffle fry ever. Spit all over the cat. Spit all over the cat. I'm so... Poor baby. Oh my god, that's disgusting. He's okay. Of course I have a white cat and I'm drinking red wine.

I just spit all over him. I'm so sorry, Juniper. Oh, he's still, if he's still on your lap, it means you didn't hurt him too bad. He's used to it. Yeah. Sorry, you never want to see a waffle fry. Yeah, obviously those, that word, those words were in caps. I never want to see a waffle fry ever again in my life.

The fried green tomatoes were lacking actual tomatoes oh shit i swear they were less than an one-eighth of an inch thick everything was all breading do you know what this is no this is the fucking foodie news one calamari review oh my gosh one eighth inch thick seriously all breading no squid to be found i'm serious this is like the actual review that's so funny who wrote this is it foodie news it is not it's not that would have been something that would be hilarious anyway fish good too much breading and it was Loved the coleslaw. My daughter's burger was raw. Oh well, lesson learned. Oh well, I'm not concerned about her personal safety.

Honestly, I think all the sentences in the middle could have been removed, which would make the review just say, won't go back. Oh well, lesson learned. Honestly, that would be enough because all of this stuff in the middle is just so, it's excessive. And I didn't learn anything. Like, I don't understand. Really? I learned that she never wants to see a waffle fry in her life, which, I mean, can't relate.

Can't relate to that. No, can't relate. And also, the iced tea and lemonade are nothing but flavored water. That's basically what iced tea and lemonade are already. Took her a long time to figure that one out. I mean, it's, that's. That is what it is. Yeah. What do you think about, especially iced tea? What do people say? Like you put dirt in water and it makes tea. That's sort of like the, actually Em said that. So I shouldn't say people say that. No, you put leaves in water to make tea. That's what I meant. Dirt. I was like, why is Em putting dirt in water to make tea that's what i meant dirt i was like why is m

putting dirt in water and calling it tea i don't think that's a thing that's my bad um but yes that's kind of what it is so that part i do but see you're right because you don't learn anything because you're like you know she goes oh i never want to see a waffle fry again what do you mean yeah yeah yeah what was wrong with them What was wrong with the waffle fries? Yeah. I mean, maybe at least saying that there was one eighth of an inch, the tomatoes were one eighth of an inch thick. Honestly, that doesn't help me too much because I don't know what that means.

I also don't know what fried green tomatoes are supposed to, how thick they're supposed to be. Yeah. Based on this, I assume thicker. I assume thicker than one eighth inch which really again like you said doesn't mean much to me spatially also they kept contradicting themselves they said fish good too much breading and it was burnt it's like what's what's very good point how was it really good or was it just burnt or do you just like it that way yeah i see yeah i don't

really understand uh big daddy's had a lot of problems according to reviewers because i also found the same sort of issues um a lot of people had problems i think was big daddy spelled with two g's yes it was that's what i thought i was like i either made that up or it was actually b-i-g-g yeah um so i have a review here from katie and it's a one-star review a server threw a pen could start i already agree with this work this server this is what's gonna happen but i'm glad

where i saw it and went i don't even know what it is as I'm screenshotting it a server threw a pen in front of my 10 year old son while we were waiting for a table it exploded all over him it ruined $200 worth of clothes and shoes that he paid for with his own allowance flies

everywhere won't return okay so first of all your question is the question is not what was exaggerated but how many of these things because there's at least what like or the question is what not like whether or not something was exaggerated the question is which part if not all of it yeah because this server threw a pen at your son no in front of oh i'm sorry yes in front of your son okay fair fair concern i don't know well no you know what but hey was it maybe dropped and the person that's

what i mean like that already could be an exaggeration yeah uh your child was wearing 200 worth of clothing that they managed to buy for themselves what kind of allowance are you giving this kid that's that's on you and what kind of pen explodes this way and to cover everything your shoes your shirt also maybe though i that's the thing is like it could have happened i'm not saying it's impossible this is it seems like this perfect storm of like shit happens type of thing okay but but but wouldn't you take a photo true true if like a pen really destroyed like your air jordans wouldn't you be like here's a photo to prove it i mean okay i guess not everybody but also side note this person's profile photo is of their son, but their son's an infant.

Maybe they have multiple sons. What if the infant son bought $200 sneakers? I would like to talk to that infant and figure out what kind of racket he's in because I want a part. It's called allowance. He's getting $200 allowance. Okay, got it. That's the racket. That's the racket. Okay. We didn't get a damn allowance. Not like that. I want a part. He's getting $200 allowance. Got it. Okay. Got it. That's the racket. That's the racket.

Okay. We didn't get a damn allowance. Not like that. Not that kind anyway. My goodness. Flies everywhere. Yeah. Anyway.

Oh, yeah. And then the flies appear. So my question is, are those flies related to the pen exploding or just a general complaint? Because that seemed thrown in there. I don't think that when this pen exploded, like the flies, it attracted flies. Like Amityville Horror, just kind of like swarms of flies. I've never seen that. Is that a fly?

Are there a lot of flies in Amityville? Okay. It's part of what the devil does. That's so lame. Why flies? Because they're creepy. Why not like wasps? Because flies are like gross and they eat poop.

Okay. You know? I suppose. be why not like wasps because flies are like gross and they eat poop okay you know i suppose and they come from maggots which is not particularly threatening though yeah it's annoying it's like buzz off fly that's what i would say to those flies yeah if there was a big group of wasps i'd be cowering yeah that's true um i can't help you with that one. The devil likes flies. I don't know what to tell you. Okay, we'll leave it at that. You should probably stop questioning him. My next one is of Cool River Tubing.

I heard about this. Uh-oh. For what reason? I just mean everybody in the reviews was like, oh, the only fun thing is tubing or mini golf. Ah, yes. So I did the mini golf. Now we're doing the tubing.

This is quite the tourist town. Yes, it's it's the fact they have this kind of stuff and it's like so yeah it's not just a place to go where it's just bavarian themed they have tubing and mini golf and right it's like a night i mean it really is like a 1960s like what should we do here let's make it touristy but also with a german flair yeah with it with a german flair i love that okay here's a one star review one star review by rachel it would have been a great trip but for a stupid prank played by some ignorant person they picked a spot where you go down and flow directly towards a tree, and they glued three fake snakes on the base of the tree. I am very afraid of snakes, so this was like a horror movie.

Even my daughters, who are not afraid of snakes, were terrified. We all jumped off the tube to avoid slamming directly into what we thought were live snakes. My daughter sprained her foot, and I sprained my ankle. It could have been so much worse if someone slipped and hit their head on a rock. It would have been a perfect outing. If someone else has reported it, the company needs to investigate.

I will definitely be reporting it. Another woman have her little daughter with her and was very unhappy about that dangerous situation as well end of review okay okay i have a lot to say first of all there's a note in her response but i want to hear what you have to say first could have been flies it could have been worse could have been speaking of horror movies eating eating eating it could have been a wall of flies and like trying to eat the poop that you poop out of your butt yeah in the lazy river you know yeah it could have been flies that's another foo fighter lyric by the way and also slam directly into a city like it's not funny that would be a nightmare but like

we thought we were gonna slam into a bunch of snakes what are you talking about you weren't gonna slam i don't know yeah i i don't know i don't know what they were thinking they clearly weren't like the the part that makes their brain think when they saw the snake the reptilian shut down aptly named the reptilian brain kind of kicked in and they were like oh no snakes yeah um i mean i get that that would be frightening yeah i think like i would be like oh that's silly but i guess i don't have a phobia of snakes so yeah maybe that's just me um also your poor child probably got more scared by you freaking out about the snakes i feel like unless this is an inherited phobia um but it seems like a lot of people are breaking their ankles and

walking right away from this place so it seems like it it seems like it lot of people are breaking their ankles and walking away from this place. It seems like it. It seems like it. Anyway, there's a response. Yeah, here's what the owner has to say. Sorry you had a poor experience. Although this was a prank, please be aware there are live snakes which naturally live in the Chattahoochee River. Please always remain in your tube for safety reasons. And we thank you for making us aware.

End of response. So she's about to slam into all these snakes. the owner's like but you can't get out of that inner tube because there's also snakes underneath you safety first there's snakes all around you that's what he's trying to say and they're this is chattahoochee and the tubing company is like well shouldn't have gotten out to begin with that was your fault like i love that he says this is a prank but also yeah it's real life yeah and you're in danger yeah i think like their view is it's inherently a dangerous thing to do snakes are there so like this could happen for real but also it didn't happen for real it was a prank so it's like what if you said what if they say that was not a prank those were real snakes because like at this point when she writes

this review on tripadvisor whatever like it's too late for her to go double check yeah true and she goes and they're gone maybe they slithered away they may be maybe they were hoping someone would slam into them and when nobody did for them to attack and no one removed them or messed with them because they were like oh it's just a prank it's a big prank but really the prank was the snakes were pranking you also why were you about to slam into a tree okay that's the other concern i don't know the tree had snakes under it right but think about that she's like we were about to slam into this tree full of snakes we jumped off the tube to avoid slamming directly into what we thought were live snakes so yeah but they were on the tree right yeah so like you thought you were about to slam into a tree right am i missing

that no you're not i just feel like if you're on a lazy no they're tubing they're not on a lazy river i keep saying like oh they're on a lazy river but it's tubing it's not like whitewater rafting i hope at least right exactly that's true i hope at least somebody either had a camera like a nanny cam up or they were watching because what's the point of this prank if they weren't watching people throw themselves out of inner tubes to avoid slamming into snakes like i honestly wouldn't and i'm not i wouldn't be surprised if a tubing company put them up, like the, or the employees did as a prank. To prank people that they were like. Ooh, snakes.

You know. Well, it's like Pirates of the Caribbean where they have like little, you know, Johnny Depp around the corner. It's a big prank. Yeah. And then you complain about Johnny Depp being around the corner. They're like, well, hey, like sometimes Johnny Depp is being around the corner they're like well hey like sometimes johnny depp is actually around the corner sometimes he's underneath the inner tube you can't get out yeah don't get out of that he could be down there yeah he's a real threat

he could be he's slamming it johnny depp any moment um okay this is actually my last one oh wow okay and it's sort of a redemption but it's a one-star review okay it's a big daddy's restaurant and tavern so one star read by duane best bergie i've ever had my mouth is oo it said salvia because that made it so much less gross I was watching Miley Cyrus yesterday so you were thinking of salvia?

yeah remember? yeah I do it's funny that that's what you thought of I turned to Blaze I was like remember when Miley Cyrus smoked salvia and everyone freaked the fuck out end of story but um now i feel like i'm i'm getting some more terrible reference to salvia it's oozing out of your mouth yeah that's how it's supposed to work those show-stopping fries well i never want to see a show-stopping fry ever again if you ask me uh if it makes you use salvia but best

bergie i've ever had best bergie oh my god this person was smoking salvia i think maybe yeah yeah okay my next one here is uh there's a lot this is a oh no this is the one where he was like oh gosh this took three screenshots yeah and i honestly don't remember it so here we go but there's a reason i screen This is a... Oh, no. This is the one where he was like, oh, gosh, this took three screenshots. Yeah. And I honestly don't remember it. So here we go. But there's a reason I screenshot it.

So y'all buckle up. It's got to be good. We're all together on this, right? This might be one of my longest reviews that I've read. It's not even that long. It's just long for Google reviews. Okay. Because your Yelp reviews are often very long.

That's true. Many paragraphs. But for Google, it's rarely this long. Right. But it's not that bad. Here we go. One star review. This is by Alyssa.

September 21st, 2018. 8 o'clock p.m. A day that will live in infamy. Did I even say what this is of? No, actually. It's about to say it in the review but it is of helen octoberfest okay there's an octoberfest event so i didn't read anything about that three of my friends and i went to helen octoberfest for a birthday weekend three females and one guy all in our 40s we drove five hours to get there. We put on our deer and dolls and

were so excited to go to Fest Hall to dance, so this is the very first place we went to. We paid a cover of $10 per person. Nothing impressive in there at all. There were about maybe 40 people in the entire place. It's a big space with rows of picnic-style tables and bright white light. We found a spot to sit near the dance floor and ordered food there was a band playing polka and mostly kids dancing one of my friends and i both smoked tobacco on vapes slash e-cigs no odor or smoke whatsoever just strawberry it's like a big strawberry cloud goes through the dance hall we were seating down at the table minding our business and out of nowhere a security staff person dark long hair female and if i am not mistaken her name is

rebecca that's a made-up name don't worry everybody came by to tell us that vaping is not allowed i put my vape in my purse immediately. My friend placed hers on the table. We ordered food which was like a subpar cafeteria food of sausages and potatoes for $12 and a carafe of beer was $17. I stood up to go to the bathroom and I see the security woman is standing right behind us. I thought nothing of it. As we were finishing our meal my friend completely forgot and took one puff off her vape. Within seconds, the security woman suddenly jumps over, and as the rest of us are still chewing our food, she placed her fists on the table like an angry silverback gorilla. Loud polka music is playing, and we are all confused, looking at her as she is screaming something and pounding her fists on the table.

I thought she had come to tell my friend to put the e-cig away so i tell the security woman as i chew my food that we are sorry and the e-cig will be put away now at this moment the overly dramatic angry female pushes the radio button on her shoulder and says i need help okay wait first of all this sounds like a david attenborough you need to read it that's the angry female i'm like yeah i went the drama dramatic route but yeah maybe i should have gone the overly angry female pounds her fists on the table okay so she says i need help yeah i'm like i'm like not breathing i'm so invested in this story so apparently she's all that is happening according to this reviewer is there is a single puff on on a vape

after being asked an innocent by accident so an accidental puff of the vape oops after being asked not to do that right um then security is pounding fits her fist on the table the female the female is pounding her fists on the table. They don't know what's... Supposedly, the reviewer, she says she doesn't know what's going on. No clue. She assumes it's because of the vape. Right. But is basically pleading ignorance.

Right. Here, like within the review. And there's this pounding. And then all of a sudden... Well, there's not just pounding. There's also polka music. Polka music, very loudly. You're right.

You're right. But also pounding. Yeah. then she she calls for backup calls for backup in her radio okay which already i'm like okay that there's no way you you all were just sitting there staring at her silently while she did all this i call for backup because if that happened i'd be like do you Call for backup. Yeah. Because if that happened, I'd be like, do you? Something's happening with this person.

Like they need medical. I don't know. Yeah. There's no way this is unprompted. Exactly. In my mind anyway. In my mind too. But here we go. Let's see what else happens.

Y'all, she was asking for backup while we are there literally sitting and chewing on our dinner. We understand at this moment that we are being kicked out. We stood up and she had the nerve to escort us to the exit, basically walking just one step behind us. There was no argument, no cursing, no indecent anything or illegal that warranted this treatment towards us. I am still baffled about it. I have to say I've never heard of anyone being ever kicked out of a place while sitting down and eating a meal in silence yes my friend was warned once over the vaping but this is a tourist place a second and final warning would have been

the right way to treat guests tourists don't understand rules and they don't abide by them obviously obviously we just paid a total of $40 plus food and drinks to walk in this highly overrated place and were kicked out in less than an hour for one puff off an e-cig. Of course they didn't offer a refund of the cover we just paid and we were too confused to even think about

asking for a refund. And we were still chewing. I love how it's like, they didn't even offer us a refund. We didn ask for one but how dare they not give us she followed us out the door she threw money she threw cash at us i asked about this woman and they mostly rolled their eyes and smacked their lips after seeing the overly aggressive treatment we received from this woman okay the kicker is that when we walked outside the building the real police was Okay. to ever visit this tacky place. Your experience of Oktoberfest will not be what you imagine it will be. Save your dollars and go somewhere else.

There is no shortage of polka and chicken dance in Helen. End of review. Holy shit. Yeah. There's no response. I so wanted there to be a response. I know, me too, me too. The thing is, though,

I think it's hard for something like Helen Oktoberfest. Sure, there's an organizer, but this is such a specific incident. Oh, true. It's not of a restaurant. It's literally of just... It's of the entire Oktoberfest. So they probably wouldn't even know what happened.

Right. Let alone be able to respond to this without something boilerplate or whatever. Yeah, and they'd have to find the female female silverback to ask it's i mean if you're if you're describing it that way right you're you're you're not like this isn't a creative writing assignment this is a review of a situation that you experienced and if you're writing it that way like you're you're not making your case any better also like oh we were just chewing our food and like we were just innocently sitting there and it's so infuriating because it's like that's like that's not what happened. Come on.

Going in, vaping when you're inside with children dancing, whatever. Like, OK, regardless of how you feel about it, like just don't do that. Like that's just that's I feel like rarely is acceptable. Yeah. But whatever. OK. They made that first mistake that was that was a mistake they made and then they were told not to do it again there was about the

boundary was addressed hey do not do this again and they did it again and then to act like oh well we deserved another warning that makes exactly so such a what is it what a stupid response oh it was an accidental puff of the vape we forgot it's like they set this rule and you're breaking it immediately after like within the same seating it's not like a year later you return and then you have a puff of your e-cigarette oh shoot i forgot last time it wasn't allowed it's like literally minutes later yeah and you do it again like you you're out like what why do you just you don't deserve any more chances i just feel like seeing these people chewing they're constantly chewing i don't know if you caught that but they're always chewing their food because that's all they were doing gross

and just sitting around masticating just chewing and the other people were smacking their gums there's a lot of the smacking of lips i've never they rolled their eyes and smacked their lips this is like a zoo they're acting like this is a literal zoo like the silverback gorilla came to attack and the police showed up i mean you can't tell me nothing happened weird i know right okay sorry i feel like uh people are like yeah we get it um i've got a few more oh good okay so this next one is of helen tubing and water something is this a different a different tubing place yes uh last one was cool river tubing sure this is helen tubing here's a one-star review by lewis paid for park and tubbing which was sorry which is spelled w-i-t-c-h so it says paid for park and tubbing which was 112 dollars for a family of four and they shut

down the park due to light thunder and refused to give any kind of discount or end of review i don't know what was going on there but but the Tubbing Witch was angry that day. I think that's a good deal. $112. Your whole family of four gets a Tubbing Witch. I love it. Sounds so mysterious to me. With the lightning in the background.

Spooky. Sounds like you got what you're paying for, Lewis. Okay. Also, don't put me in a river. If I'm in a river and there's lightning, somebody better pull me out of that river. If I'm like, no, it's fine. The people who know better should really create that boundary for me. It's the same thing with like the lighthouse thing of like lightning is here.

Somewhere in the state of Florida. Yeah. And I was just reading about lightning strikes which kill people every year so hey you're welcome for not becoming another statistic thanks to these employees who refuse to let you go tubbing um it's so dangerous there's lightning out snakes lightning true very dangerous yeah sport i'm it scares me i i had an incident a tubbing incident well it's actually rafting it was on a raft oh no did I not talk about this on here? I might have.

You probably did. What is it? So, of course, my freshman year of college, I was in the engineering school at George Washington University. Good times. And for some reason, for the engineers, their thought was, let's bring them to the outdoors. Let's put them in water and see what happens. And put them in water and do like climbing things. And it was a lot.

And physically, I'm not anything to marvel at, believe it or not. So I was not capable of doing too much. But we went rafting. And we just sat there. And there was a guy. But it felt intense for me, someone who's never done anything like that. Yeah. And we were going.

And at one point, they said, everyone hop out and just float and the river will carry you. In the water? Float? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like just in the- Okay. You just have life jackets on.

Okay. And you have helmets or whatever. So like there's safety precautions. And then I was floating and there's a trail of people ahead and you saw them like kind of flow along the path of the river, which is winding a little bit i was like upstream there's a fork and they all went that way no no no you floated toward a waterfall oh my god there was no fork but i've created a narrative in my head you already it's probably better than what i'm erasing it no no but it was winding and we were going straight down and everyone starts kind of floating they're not no one's paddling everyone starts floating to the

right except me and i go straight i go straight and the problem is it's not like a fork but there's a giant and i mean giant like boulder and i'm like going right towards it and i'm like i can't move i'm like i'm not a good swimmer it I can't move I'm like I'm not a good swimmer it's covered in snakes I was like I'm not a good swimmer I can't I don't know what to do so I just kind of float they explicitly told us do not swim just float and the river will carry you

I wasn't doing anything the river was like we're not carrying this one I don't know what it was about me but the river wanted to bring me straight I got sucked underneath because of Boulder. Half the Boulder was like underwater. So as I'm floating, I get kind of sucked underwater and I'm up against this big Boulder. Alexander.

Under the water, completely submerged. No. Because I didn't know what else to do. And someone had to grab me. I don't know. To get me out. It was terrifying. I feel bad.

I joked about snakes. I really didn't think it was gonna be so scary yeah and then later we were on the raft and there's a bump and i fell backwards off the thing into a whirlpool there's a fucking whirlpool i'm sorry it's not funny and the guy grabbed me and like pulled me up out i'm tired of grabbing you like this fucking guy he's like i'm tired of pulling you out of the water bucks in her nose it out of the water i've never heard of this before that boulder situation was terrifying you've never told me this i don't know why i feel like i say all the time this is traumatic no it was it was it was well you know how i had that dream about

all those children drowning the other day you know what i can't say that i do i texted you about it i don't remember that i had a weird dream last night so i just said you responded to it i wouldn't have said it if you didn't like directly respond to my kids drowned in it i don't remember it anymore alexander you respond my memory is so bad i mean i read it and i acknowledged it but i don't remember that kind of stuff i I don't know. Okay. Oh, yeah. Yeah. The bird.

Oh, the cassowary. Yeah. The cassowary moth. But then also at the end, it says I watched a bunch of children drowning. That was such a like an aside. There's all this weird dream. And then you had just have this sentence of, oh, yeah, there are all these children drowning. Well, yeah, it was terrible.

But so now you're just reminding me of that horrible dream. Well, yeah. It was terrible. I'm sorry. But so now you're just reminding me of that horrible dream. Well, this was reality. This was life, okay? Yeah, I know. It's terrible. I felt really bad that I joked about snakes. Okay. Next.

Anyway, where were we? Over to Bavarian Mountain Mini Golf. Oh, finally. This is a two-star review. Let's get out of the damn water. Right. This is by Alicia. It's cheap and fun, but I don't like hearing about political views and how a certain former president helped you get a house and new hips.

I also don't like how you tried to tell me to take my mask off because you have a certain chemical in your air system. I wear it because my father is immunocompromised. End of review. What? I wasn't expecting that twist. I know. So it turns out. A former president helped you get here.

A certain former president helped you get a house and a new hip. Your groove back, basically. Which I'm like, I can't imagine any of our presidents helping you get a house or new hips with health care, regardless of which one. Unless you work like in the White House and you're somehow directly benefiting. But yeah. Wow. Got your new hips.

Good for you. But also, I have a lot of chemicals. What's the chemicals? There's a chemical in the air system. So a mask supposedly shouldn't be required. So they said, take off your mask. There's a certain chemical in my air system. The hydro supposedly shouldn't be required so they said take off your mask there's there's a certain chemical in my air system the hydrochloric when maybe they just like

cycle it through the air that must be it or what else is what's the other one fucking clue i don't fucking know but you know about that what hydrochloric whatever you call it yeah the people think you take it yeah Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. That might be, they have like a little, you know those mist things at the zoo where they just put like. Just misting it at you.

I love it. Take that mask off. Breathe it in. I mean, it's just so ridiculous. So, yeah, that was a nice little fun one. Then finally, a review of the whole city of Helen of Georgia. Helen of Georgia. Nope.

Cross it out. Helen of Georgia. Helen of... Nope. Cross it out. Of Helen, Georgia. That's how you know we studied Latin in school. Here's the one star review. This is by Henry. According to my grandmother, Helen, Georgia is hell. End of review. End of theme.

Wow. Okay. Well, so this town was created in the 1960s, so Grandma had some experience between then and now. Yeah, maybe Grandma saw the devil making it. Grandma, the devil's flies got all over Grandma's poop. That's right, and Grandma saw the meeting of the minds that really created this hellhole. Well, you know, I heard from some people,

and I heard from some people, I mean, I read their reviews on Yelp, that this place was fun like 20 years ago. But again, maybe that's because they were a different age or maybe it really was fun. People said that about like Adventure Park in New Jersey. Right, exactly. Maybe it's just... Or Action Park.

Action Park. Sorry. Maybe it's just gone downhill or maybe it's just their perspective has changed. Maybe. But I. Maybe people have died there. Oh, well, it's possible. Sounds like a lot of food poisoning.

Someone posted someone posted someone reviewed Big Daddy's and said we had the best dinner and then we all got like really sick. It ruined our first day of vacation. We all ordered the ahi tuna. And I went, well, I could have probably helped you out with that one. Maybe don't order that. But you know, if it's on the menu, it probably shouldn't be poisoning you. I agree. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. You know, if they're willing to put it on the menu, they should be willing to give it to you. Without bacteria. Without it causing any health issues. Anyway, so I know I said I would never go here, but I've read one review too that said like, go here if you are willing to just have like, if you are willing to look at it as just a place to have some beers and kind of like look at the kitschy stuff.

Yeah. Don't have any higher expectations. You know, it's not necessarily a family place. It's not necessarily like authentic. But if you're just going to visit some bars, that's about what it's good for. Yeah. Because I have a very good view of Solvang. Yeah.

But the only times I've been there have been during the day, just a random day trip, and not even, I didn't stay nearby. I was just kind of like passing through, check it out, see some cute little shops, see the views. I want to go so bad. I've never been. Em and Allison went. And I mean, I don't know.

Maybe it's not even that similar. But yeah, it feels like a helen seems like a place they have things to do you go you playing you plan ahead and then you go and then you don't like make it a whole thing well solving is different though in that it was actual danish immigrants you know what i mean like that's not as manufactured yeah like it wasn't just what can we do oh we're a bunch of americans saying this is what we're gonna yeah you know you're so right actually that's true same vibe i guess like a european town i don't know i've always wanted to go to solving also i feel like solving has all the

like la money like people from la probably paying for all the yeah when i was there was not run down it wasn't there's nothing right like and and they didn't i guess they maybe they don't rely as much on the tourist things like the tubing and right like helen does i don't know though yeah it's a good question anyway this is we could get way too deep and probably not even get very far and say nothing nothing of importance it's pretty incredible how deep we get by remaining so social. Best Western made booking our family beach vacation a breeze. And it felt a little like... life's a trip make the most of it at best western on april 5th you must be very careful, Margaret. It's the girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things

of evil. It's all. No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be your mother. Mother of what? It's the most terrifying. 666 is the mark of the devil. Movie of the year.

It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. Only in theaters April 5th. Great. great well i have my challenge what was your challenge it was people okay it was sent in by cat and it was to find people who were offended about a discount yes now this could be people who were offended that they received a discount which i believe was the original prompt yes received a senior discount or offended that they received a discount, which I believe was the original prompt. Yes. Received a senior discount. Yes.

Or offended that they did not receive a discount, which obviously is easier to find. Yeah. But I did both. Nice. This review of Del Taco by Donna. It's a two-star review. I went this afternoon for food and without asking, I was given a senior discount. I was offended because I'm not a senior. Yet.

Then the girl behind the counter started directing me to the sauces, but there were sauces on a table. Then she proceeds to tell me what I am looking at. She acted as if I was incompetent because they assumed I was a senior. I am so unhappy with this service. End of review. Oh my god. That's pretty bad. Yeesh. It's's pretty bad can i walk you to your car can i walk your food this is they mean well it appears but oh especially when you're not a senior

which a senior nowadays is what 60 65 65 i think i don't know it probably depends on who you're asking is you know i'm'm just like, that sucks. Yeah, I could see myself being offended by that too. I will say most people were like, I got a senior discount, sweet. Yeah, I would like to think I'd have a sense of humor about it, but I'd still be a little like,

ouch, that's not... Wait a minute, you know? I mean, I feel like it also depends on the scenario. Like if they were 17, I'd be like, okay, they just think everyone's old. that that's not wait a minute you know i mean i feel like it also depends on the scenario like if they were true 17 i'd be like okay they just think everyone's old maybe but uh yeah i could see being kind of a little bit stung by that um so this is a four-star view of hallmark by Karen. I can always count on finding what I need here. Cards, candles, ornaments, great selection. The only thing that I am bothered with is the

are you 60 or over signage that is prominent at the cash register. I am not 60, five years away, but inevitably when I am ready to check out, the clerk will point to the sign and say, does this apply to you? I see the sign and certainly would take advantage of the senior discount if it applied to me. Please, if you could refrain from this, it would be appreciated. Kind of puts a dark cloud over my whole day. Oh, I know that one made me bummed out yeah it's kind of sad like oh it's

sticking with you like after that you walk out and feel a little down especially when you go to hallmark like you're there to buy your your uh grinch ornament or whatever and you're like i don't want to i don't want to just feel bummed out after a visit to hallmark and that's reasonable especially when they already have the sign there you know know, I'd understand. It's there. So let the customer be the one. Don't assume it might be. Yeah, because it's not like you're asking that to like 30 year olds or 20 year olds. Yeah.

Like you're definitely asking that to people who might be. Yeah. I feel like they put that sign up so the employees shouldn't have to. Exactly. Like they. Yeah, because I'm sure there are people who complain the other way well okay yeah i assume you'll have something like this or um oh i will where they'll say like oh they never asked offered me the discount exactly and the whole point of the sign is to say well it was there if you yeah that puts it on the burden on

a consumer not the employee which i think is as a shit yeah exactly exactly you don't want your employees making assumptions of the person's age unless you're and that's why i really like it when they have these signs that say we card anyone yeah who looks over 30 or whatever even if it's like we card everyone that's even better because then under 30 it doesn't even matter same difference who looks under 30 sorry we card seniors only at this hallmark store yeah yeah no i agree um and honestly the other part of it that was rough compared to the del taco one is that it happens every time which is like okay it's one thing if an employee is like oh oh, does this apply?

And then like it never happens again. But to have the employees ask every time if you're old. Like it's clearly it's happened enough where they're like, you know, I'm going to write a review. But the thing is with this review, it's a four star review. Yes. And it's telling this location, hey, please stop doing that. It's a great review. Yes, it would be appreciated.

Yeah, that is such a great review yes it would be appreciated yeah that is such a great if you could refrain please because oftentimes you'll see the owner respond and they'll say i'll let my staff know or we'll bring this up next next meeting next training session and that's this would be a perfect situation to do that in and everyone wins we don't want a dark cloud over karen's. We really don't. She's only 55. Come on. I love that.

She's like, by the way, I'm 55 years old. And in case anyone's questioning me. Okay. So this was sent in by Olga. It's a review of her local diner. She has by she, her. These are the rest are all not getting discounts. Got it.

They're mad that they didn't get the discount. So we went for breakfast today and ordered an extra side of bacon, only to find a roach turned upside down in our food. And when I get the check, it was only discounted $4. Really? You gave

me the senior discount for roaches in my food? This is the special we give to all elderly people. My kids probably ingested roach feces. Oh, dear God. You'll never be able to look at your kids the same way again. They've been tainted. Of course, I was told they don't know where it came from.

It is truly disgusting that they handled in such a manner. Of course I was told, they don't know where it came from? It is truly disgusting that they handled in such a manner. M-A-N-O-R. In such a timely manner. In such a roast-infested timely manner. What? It is truly disgusting that they handled in such a manner and asked me what do I want off the bill and to stop yelling at them? Oh my God.

With a question mark. There it is. They asked me, what do I want? Stop yelling at us. It's so sad. I should be yelling. It's a diner that is separated and has nothing adjoining the building. How dirty is a kitchen that a roach came out with it one and done with this place stay away i mean fair roach in your food is not what you want

that's terrible but also like to say they're like how dare they say they don't know where it came from like what it's not like they have a a little like roach pen that they say oh we're gonna add this roach into this meal like you think that the server was like oh like oh yeah yeah yeah i think that roach yeah that roach came from the northwest corner of the building like i don't know it's just so so steve harvested that one himself yeah why are you so upset about that fact yeah and also like i should be yelling it's like okay well i understand the need to yell in this scenario i'd be grossed out too but like i wouldn't say should be yelling. It's like, okay, well, I understand the need to yell in this scenario. I'd be grossed out too. But like, I wouldn't say should be yelling. No.

You know what I mean? What does that solve? Right. I don't know that anyone should be yelling. Because again, like the servers aren't the ones who hand selected the roach for your meal. And as someone who's watched quite a bit of Bar Rescue in my life, I know that it's usually not the servers who are at fault when there's a hygiene problem yeah with the kitchen or even the chefs honestly like yeah it's not good that the the roach is in there but the moment you started yelling at at these employees it's you're not like they're not gonna go you're no better than that roach that is from

the northwest uh oh that when you said it louder i realized where it solves nothing it hurts everything it's just bad bad behavior and no the but no the roach shouldn't have been there i don't know and also like this is coming from people who grew up in a yelling household you know so if we're saying yelling won't fix it like we know we've tried you know we've tried everything um okay so this is an email from chelsea and now this actually i had seen because it's a review of subway and when we did the subway sandwich uh episode i remember this was kind of in my mix of emails that i looked at and so it actually was fitting for this challenge okay and this is a

one-star view it also comes with a photo so a supplement that i will show you afterward and it's a one-star view by a local guy named michael sandwiches got run over leaving parking lot how i need the please tell me there's more details on how that ended up and a photo um also chelsea put in the email like pointed out that it's in passive tense like in a passive way of like sandwiches got themselves run over without like context yeah sandwiches got run over leaving parking lot manager would nor even give me a discount on replacements. Didn't care at all and expected me to buy sandwiches for same overpriced amount again.

Here is the fucking photograph. What the fuck happened? Fox Center, it's really, I want to warn you. Uh oh. It's a pretty gnarly photograph. This sandwich has seen better days. let me see there's been run over yeah and there's another photo hold on here's a wide angle view if you weren't sure the street that's the literally middle of like oh my god i'm in the parking lot a multi-lane road um

and there's no context there's no context except that the sandwich is i mean the sandwiches when i'm saying like there's a median in this road like there's a raised median that's how big this road is and this sandwich is just like splattered all over the fucking lane what the hell so you know no discount you got to buy this sandwich all over again. And this is one of those where, you know, I would get a disc. I'm so lost unless unless the owner of this establishment purposefully ran over your sandwich. There's no reason they should be giving you a discount, which would remove the passive part of this. Exactly.

You would write Jared from Subway drove over my sandwich with his big big jeep well it it's better it's at least it wasn't like well okay maybe in their head it was like well there it was their sandwiches that got themselves run over it's these sandwiches that are at fault they were asking so therefore we should get the discount my tune amount was asking for it and goodness but the fact okay leaving parking lot so you were leaving the parking lot somehow this sub i'm talking about like the sandwiches spread over the white dashed lines meaning there's multiple lanes before this sandwich got run over how on earth did it get in the middle of the fucking road i'm fascinated i have no idea um this is mind-blowing really violent death for the sandwich yeah quite frankly pretty

disturbing photograph um so that's that no discount for you sorry michael and this is the last one it's another karen oh wow their name's karen again fitting uh this is a one-star view and karen's a local guide um and it's a review of pet smart this was sent in by sarah she her it's a review of pet smart pet smart i'm just freaking pet smart and aarp have some sort of deal well we did del taco okay nothing surprises me anymore about these. And Subway. Subway. Well, okay, that was more because they thought they should get a discount for runovers. True.

Hopefully there's no running over in the PetSmart. Oh, no. Jesus Christ. I know. I know. It could have been bad. Wow, PetSmart. Just wow. wow petsmart just wow i placed an order as a new customer wanting to take advantage of your first

auto ship order offer for a month worth of diabetic cat food back then you were offering 40 off the first order you emailed me saying the order was placed contacted my vet and everything and then canceled my order the next day citing a lack of inventory. I even called hoping to keep my order and ask you to just send it when you get more but no that wasn't an option. I had to go buy it elsewhere now I see why. I was price shopping today for another case of food and discovered your new first-time auto ship deal which is now only 30 and has a maximum discount of 20 now it seems clear to me that you thought i was getting too good of a deal so you canceled my order and change your offer not winning my loyalty that's for sure end of review wow so this person this reviewer

single-handedly changed pet smart's corporate policy all the way to the top with one order the ceo was like we can't give karen this diabetic cat food for 40 off we must lower it to 30 because she is simply getting well also i love that karen puts it on herself as like i outsmarted you and got the best deal and you couldn't handle it. Yeah. Which is like, not really what happened. No, it doesn't. That wasn't the vibe I was getting from this. And it was from her own words and I still didn't see it that way. That was her perspective only.

So that's kind of impressive that she managed to not sway me in that direction. Wow. Wow. Also, I love that she thinks they outright lied sorry we don't have any diabetic cat food karen i'm sorry oh shit we want to save that 10 so bad that we emailed you to say we're out of diabetic cat food we don't want your order at all if we're not getting 30 oh man it's so ridiculous people i think people just fail to see that the people that generally the ones that you're dealing with directly in these stores don't give a fucking shit about you to the point where

they're gonna like make any sort of like lie to you like there's they they what do they gain your your your wrath which is definitely not something they want and what do they gain the other way your loyalty which they also don't really care. Also don't care. It's like either way, like just they don't care. Just get your food and go home. And if they don't have it, like why would they lie to you about that? Makes no sense.

No, it doesn't. And I just feel like we've gotten another blow now that the CDC is like, oh, well, I guess you can go back to work anyway. Even if you do have COVID. I feel like it's just you can't win as an employee in any sort of scenario. So like, take it easy, man. Yeah. Nobody's nobody has it out for your 10% on your diabetic cat food, except maybe the powers that be.

Well, exactly. With whom you're not interacting. You're right. Like, I'm sure there was greed involved in this decision probably not specifically about care but yeah definitely not the decision was not made by the people that you deal with at the specific stores for person making minimum wage at the pet smart yeah so please be nice to them or else you know what or just be nice to everyone i think that's a good way to do it great point

um except maybe the people at the top of the ceo if you ever run into him be like yes what is the matter with you like if i hey if karen did that and if i saw karen write a strongly worded letter to like the people at the top of these corporations and whatnot i'd be rootin rootin rootin karen on for sure yeah yeah i'd be rootin tootin that's on for sure. Yeah. Yeah. I'd be rooting tooting. You would sure be. I'm always rooting tooting though. So that's kind of irrelevant. But yeah, leave the people at the specific stores alone.

Ay yi yi. You just saw that I got the best deal in history on diabetic cat food. The self-importance is just, it's wild. The end. I'm not going to try. This has been quite the episode. I don't even remember where we started. Yeah.

What was our theme today? I'm so overwhelmed. We started in Helen, Georgia. We did. Anyway, that's all I got. Anyway. Happy 2022. How many episodes do we end where we kind of awkwardly go, well, that's all.

Bye. Too many. Too many. Thank you, everyone, for everything from 2021. It's been a lovely. you know what beach to sandy related audience related it's been lovely yes what did we say earlier there's been content there has been content and we appreciate you we do we really do appreciate you so much a lot a lot a lot a lot and i hope you guys know that um whether you're a patron or not we really do appreciate you um and this comes out wednesday alexander and i will be

in minneapolis or at least on the way i'm very excited for that if the show goes on which at this rate we don't really know uh also it's blaze's birthday this week happy birthday blaze and that's your birthday present blaze the shout out on the show so that's all i got for you and we'll be here next week uh with with more hard hitting whatever the hell we've got just more content i'm just gonna put it vague you know what yeah you'll get content next week we promise and we just hope you enjoy it Thank you all. Bye.