Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 168: Reviews of Sushi Restaurants in Landlocked States

Episode Date: February 16, 2022

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. hello and welcome to beach too sandy water too wet the podcast where we read uh the uh you haven't done this in a while oh i was like wow i'm on a roll and then i stopped thinking about what i was saying we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion my name is zandy oh my name's x teen how you doing i'm doing okay i'm uh feeling ready feeling ready not really um i researched this like weeks ago so i have no

idea what i'm bringing to the table excellent we have the opposite experience because i researched it last night and today um this is the most difficult episode i've worked on in a long long long time i don't know why uh my experience from what i remember of it was there were so many options and they're just so many generic restaurant reviews that they weren't very interesting so it was hard to find ones that stood out because they just people got shitty service and then complained about it and it's like so or like food poisoning that doesn't help me don't they know that i'm trying to entertain people oh yeah food poisoning how dare you get like do something interesting take that off the internet i don't want to know about your bowels yeah um so that's kind of the experience i had also and it's sort of a paradox i'm using that

word because it sounds smart i don't know if it really is a paradox but it's sort of a paradox where the topic is so vague why am i wearing headphones it's not plugged in i don't know you're looking super a fish i keep pulling my headphones off to hear you like i had it off one ear and i was leaning there's nothing in and there was nothing happening in the okay well okay i'm listen this it's been a long okay let's let's hear now let's hear about your supposed paradox it's now you know it is it is what i say it is um now you know i'm using the right terminology professional over here uh it's a paradox where the topic is so vague that like there's so many options to choose from but like it makes it so much harder to find because you're just digging through like endless reviews

do you know what i'm saying it's like that's the paradox of choice is that what it's called again i bring that up oh like years ago a word where paradox of choice how that what it's called again i bring that up like years ago a word where paradox of choice how grocery stores will have so many different options but that actually makes it harder to choose rather than easier that's why trader joe's is so successful is because they have fewer options that's why i feel so calm inside of trader joe's uh-huh uh-huh so uh no i had the same exact feeling you You know, you have this wealth of reviews and it wasn't specific enough where, I mean, we only took out a landlocked state. So, we only took out some states. So, we just had all of these different places to look through.

I had to keep Googling, is blank a landlocked state? Because you know me and my geography abilities or lack thereof. So, at one point, I was like, Blaise, Texas is landlocked state because you know me and my geography abilities or lack thereof so at one point i was like blaze texas is landlocked right and he's like no there's a gulf of mexico and i was like yeah but not an ocean like that's literally and he was like yeah yeah like the gulf of mexico is attached it's funny you say that because there were i did get some from texas and i was so disappointed i saw the texas review but i didn't know it was texas yet because i would just search keywords.

Yeah, yeah. And then I'd open it and be like, wow, this is perfect. Where is this? Fingers crossed. And it was always Texas. You should have just kept it anyway. No. Texas had some wild sushi reviews, but it just didn't count.

The number of Texas reviews that came up, I was like, damn, this. But that's why I kept asking, Blaze, are you sure there's an ocean anywhere? I Googled that because I was like please someone some source please tell me that texas is landlocked they put up a border wall and to the gulf of mexico so technically it's now not touching the ocean you know what i'm saying here you go i love it all right so anyway i'd like you to start off because i feel insecure about the ones I found today. Oh, no. Oh, no. Well, I'm starting off with something from Amanda Sheher in Colorado, who found this wonderful review of Sushi Den. This is in Denver, Colorado.

Oh, I get it. Oh. I don't know if that means anything. I didn't get it either. Or I didn't get it until you said that like sushi denver and sushi den i assume so um here we're starting ourselves off uh the right way uh with a poem okay this is a poem by austin A poem. Oh, God. Okay. The food is expensive.

The service is bad. Every time I go, I just get mad. They act like they hate you and charge a high price. They even charge bucks for a bowl of rice. I still don't know why people go to that joint. Pretentious and rude. Is that the whole point? of review oh not too bad actually i feel like we get a lot of those kind of trying to be clever reviews and this one actually the the like the syntax actually kind of works i was thinking the same thing i mean that was a lot of it was because of my presentation

but you know i was gonna give austin a little of my presentation but you know we'll give Austin a little credit but I feel like it doesn't give me credit for all the times I've had to sing um I will not have to sing it's not really the right terminology but the times I've chosen to sing um oh where oh where has my calamari gone too many times I too many times and I feel like that proved so difficult that it's kind of unfair to only give me credit. Yeah. Okay. So you're just going to take credit for this as well because you put yourself in stupid situations.

Got it. Got it. There's actually an update. Oh. So. Volume two. So the first one was April 14th, 2013. And then Austin wrote another one in June of 2013.

So just a couple months later. And I believe it's the same up until they added a final stanza, another stanza at the end. Wow, powerful. So I'm going to read it again, though, so you all get two experiences. Yes. Okay. The food is expensive. The service is bad.

Every time I go, i just get mad they act like they hate you and charge a high price they even charge bucks for a bowl of rice i still don't know why people go to that joint pretentious and rude is that the whole point horrible horrible they make you feel like you overpaid for a rotten meal end of review did he just decide one evening it's missing something like i think so was it just on his mind and he's like yeah i should work on that that piece i started a few months ago yeah i think so just one day was inspired right like where did like you'd think you'd move on and just be like, anyway, close the chapter on that. But no. No. And Austin actually reviewed it again.

Wait, are you serious? Two years later. One and a half years later. January 2015. Not a poem this time. It's getting serious now. I was going to say, he's not screwing around anymore. Austin says, I got stuck going there again.

I hated every minute of it. Overpriced, under quality sushi. Now, sushi lovers, the one thing we can agree upon is freshness. Their sushi smelled like a Japanese dumpster and they wanted $9 a slab. Never go there. End of review. I miss the old Austin. I miss the old Austin.

Well, how about an even newer Austin? Because Austin reviewed it again. I can't do this anymore. How many more are there? Four and a half years later, July of 2019. I feel like this is like all press is good press or whatever, because he's still thinking about this joint. Yep. So for those who can't follow, this now uh almost six and a half years later so

we're in what 2019 2019 six and a half years later from the original review got it okay so austin is still reviewing this place and just said this one star again they've all been one star overpriced and rude staff don't know why this place is popular must be the fake reviews end of review but not the four i've left yeah it's all the fake ones mine are legitimate not my poetic ones um okay um for what it's worth if uh this this person austin has written 43 reviews total 36 are one star oh wow oh wow and the rest the seven the other seven are two star reviews no three four or five star reviews so this is just a seems like a very very negative person so but how many are in the running for the dr seuss geisel theodore geisel children's book award fair fair that's so true just this one uh as far

as i can tell is the only uh only poetic one wow that's so dumb yeah you're welcome thank you for that it's really amanda's fault so i know trust me i've i'm gonna think about this and write a poem about her later um oh i also wanted to add that this theme of landlocked sushi was from Sio, which I think was short for Siobhan. So I don't know if it's pronounced. Oh, yeah. We had this. Yeah, that's right. Oh, yeah.

I know. Like I watch Succession. Do you? Yeah. I have three episodes in. It's so good. Yeah. I'm enjoying it so far.

And they call her shiv which i think is so fun and i love that name siobhan and i feel like i feel like this is probably a cool nickname and i'm butchering it and i apologize uh but so anyway this is that's who sent the but so this is an email from jameson he him and it is a review of tokyo sushi it's not in tokyo let me figure out where the hell it is i'm sorry why did i feel like typing tokyo sushi on google would lead me to the exact location why did i feel like that would work nobody knows that would have been pretty wild though if it worked out it would have been um it wasn't because apparently there is one in cincinnati and the one that he sent was in nevada so not quite but we now have one from

nevada it's a one star review by hank they have the dirty dishes and water going across the restaurant so obviously eventually they hit my date and spilt dirty dishwater all over her, then sprinted to get the check. So I complained, and they have this 21-year-old, not the manager, try and solve this issue. I'm surprised the CDC allows dirty dishwater to get on people's food, then pay for dinner. End of review.

They're just like lugging in the dirty dish. Wait, what? Obviously, they eventually hit my date. Obviously. Obviously. It. Obviously. It was inevitable. We all knew it was coming. Like, no surprise there.

Much like the heat death of the universe. This person's date being hit by dirty dishwater is inevitable. Much like we all died of fiery blaze from the sun. Yeah. They have the dirty dish's water going across the restaurant. So, obviously, they eventually hit my date and spilled dirty dish water all over her. So I guess that's right. What you're saying is they were the bus boy, quote unquote, was carrying all the dirty dishes. It's not funny. I'm sorry. It's like I don't usually enjoy physical comedy until we're reading reviews. And then suddenly it's like the funniest thing to me when people get injured and it's terrible. I don't know where I get this from, but it's suddenly so funny that they dumped dirty dishwater all over her and then sprinted to get the check.

Yeah. I don't know. I feel bad for this person. I would not want to be in this person's position. But yeah, come on. It's comedy. It's pure comedy. You can't deny that, folks. It's hilarious. Lighten up a little. It's like that guy who wrote the one star baseball review and said, like, we had a great time. My wife was

hit in the face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Girlfriend got hit by a ball and Bill Murray didn't care. Did not care. But I had a great time. Learn a thing or two from that guy. care did not care but i had a great time learn a thing or two from that guy the next one i have is from riannon she her you took too long what if you had started talking a little before that i would not have made a noise but it was so quiet i couldn't stop oh i didn't you make all the noises you want in my pauses that's fine You don't mind if I sing on this podcast? No. I've gotten through so much that nothing can faze me anymore. After that whole eagle-eyed cherry incident.

Yeah. There was that, too. God, I do sing a lot on this show. Oh, I know. For someone who's severely tone deaf. Yeah. Oh, sorry. Just on my re-listens i skipped those episodes that's all um so you skip like 90 percent um okay so this one is a review of wasab uh it's a restaurant in wasab wasab it's i i'm sorry riannon but i i wasn't sure if this was like a typo and the i was missing at the

end but so i like checked is it where they said they went to the tax filing office and they were like wasabi already exists and they were like just cut off a letter maybe wasab um but yeah so it does that is correct it is wasab in joplin missouri oh sorry i didn't believe you that's kind of rude like i don't trust you know the name of this restaurant thing is reenan if anyone's wrong we get yelled you know what i mean like true we're sort of like the messengers like the journalists if you will people would have been like you don't know how to pronounce wasabi it's not a silent eye. It's not a silent eye. You dumb German. Anyway,

here's a one-star review. This is by Cal. The food was okay, but nothing spectacular. Not worth the price. The cook kept on talking about his imagination problems and complaining about the Trump administration. Really hard

to enjoy a meal there. End of review. Here's the thing. I'm so imaginative. I take letters off of words and just turn them into businesses. I am full of ideas. It's just a problem. I can't sleep at night.

I'm writing poems about different sushi joints. This guy is full of full of problems i had the complete opposite feeling when i heard imagination problems i'm picturing just like a really sad and like depressed cook who's like i can't imagine anything like literally have no imagination i can't it's just an empty void yeah he's just flipping if he's a fry cook in a gray void yeah i can see that too i feel like we're in a writer's room right now and we're just kind of like throwing around ideas yeah it's like what how depressed we want our chef to be and for what reasons he's just his life is hopeless you know i can't imagine a better life

maybe that's a positive though hey i mean he's at a sushi restaurant in choplin missouri that's not nice that's not it's not nice you're right i just i'm sorry i should cut that out that wasn't nice um i just was trying to be funny at the expense of others and that's it's not funny you know it's just mean just me and that's not the kind of humor it's just my imagination is so void and so lacking that like you resort to those i resort to jokes that's right um but really imagination problems so that could either be imaginary problems which oh i was thinking oh that makes more sense actually just like made up problems which like don't we all have those or maybe it's just me but imaginary problems i think the fact that it's in

the same sentence as complaining about the trump administration maybe um the cook was complaining about the trump administration and the problems it's caused right his him and in his life and this reviewer cal is like that's imaginary that's not a real problem that's not not real mental health that's not a real problem call me when you have a real problem immigration not a real problem yeah call me when you have a real problem um like someone makes you put a mask on when you have a health condition oh that's a real problem then we can talk um wow imagination problems i feel like that's a scenario I would get myself stuck in where, you know, I always end up, I don't know if you have the same experience, but I always end

up being the person people talk to because they think I want to know what they're saying. What? Oh, sorry. That was just an imagination problem. No, like when I'm at an airport or somewhere, I've relearned this about myself because I just was on a work trip. And I'm somehow always sucked into like people telling me things on airplanes, like in public. It's just anywhere I go, it's like people look at me and go, she wants to know about this. She's an empath. She's an empath. She wants to know about my imagination problems. And I feel like this happens.

Like I was on a plane and some guy just leaned over and was like, oh, you know, Joe Rogan and all this. And I'm like, what about me? What? Looks like the person that you want to discuss and defend Joe Rogan to. Wait. Oh, they were. They were like started being defensive about Joe Rogan right off the bat? And I'm going to be fully upfront with you here.

I went on tour in 2019, went on approximately 46 airplane rides. I don't think they're called airplane rides, but that's what I call them. It's just like an industry jargon thing. And so I was on an airplane. I was on a lot of airplane rides. So I got a ton of miles. So this time around, I got upgraded to first class. And I'm thinking, great.

Got my own space. Got left alone. Oh, no. I get upgraded first class. This guy next to me wants to defend Joe Rogan all of a sudden. You were in first class. Correct. Being, wow, approached about Joe Rogan. And i can't escape you can't escape it you the

plebs in the back like you thought they would be the ones discussing joe rogan that's exactly not the people the elites in the front like you yeah um gosh that's anyway my point is i feel like this is a scenario where i'd be like they wouldn't stop talking about their imagination problems to me. This is just all me complaining. I'm sorry. Got it. Got it.

So you are Cal in this case. I'm Cal. I didn't know you had this problem. Interesting. Do you not have that? No, people don't talk to me. What the hell? No, no one talks to me.

I don't talk to people either. I thought this was a you and me problem. It's just a me problem. No, I've been traveling recently as well, and not once has anyone spoken to me. What is it about me? I don't talk to people either. I thought this was a you and me problem. No, I've been traveling recently as well. And not once has anyone spoken to me. What is it about me? I don't know. But I'm in comfort plus. Not with the jerks in the back or the jerks in the front.

Famously Joe Rogan haters. Just comfort plus is like where it's at if you want to like diss on the man, you know. Okay. Anyway, I'm so sorry. I don't even know where I was going with that, but here we go. So then I, of course, looked up reviews of sushi restaurants in Hot Springs, Arkansas, because that's where CEO slash, I hate not knowing what their name is. I'm so sorry. I'm such an asshole. So she originally wrote and said, oh, we had surprisingly good sushi in Hot Springs, Arkansas, which is what prompted the theme idea. So I, of course, went to Hot Springs, Arkansas on Yelp and Google and TripAdvisor, and there were only like four places.

So I looked at all the reviews. I know. So I found a review, actually two, of a place called Hibachi Sushi Buffet in Hot Springs, Arkansas. Okay. Now, I'm kind of convinced that these are some of the most dramatic sushi reviews ever, and I picked two of them. I'm going to read them back to back if that's okay. Please. and I picked two of them.

I'm going to read them back to back if that's okay. Please. So the first one is called Horribly Misled by Reviews and this is on TripAdvisor. So it has a title and this is by Jessie. One star. Easily the worst Chinese food I have eaten. Felt as though they were trying to punish the customers for a lifetime of bad decisions.

End of review. Jeez. What have you done in your life where you feel like that's something that's happening? That's what I was thinking. I'm like, you're really not making yourself out to look very good. You're just telling on yourself that, hey, I've made a lifetime of bad decisions. And I'm projecting that this is my punishment. And this is the one right after it.

This is a one-star view by hope and the title is absolutely nasty we decided as a family to try the buffet and it was a fatal mistake the food was tasteless and the fish was extremely fishy i understand it's fishy but the frog and the crawfish were way too fishy. The fruit was about the only thing that was good. The service was good, though. Avoid. End of review. I just read fatal mistake and I thought.

And then you're like, it was fatal. It was too fishy. Also, the frog? The frog also. Yes, that's a thing. It is? No, no, no. That's a thing.

That is a thing that you said. That is a thing that I was alarmed by. The frog was too fishy. I'm like so repulsed by that statement. I don't even know. The frog was too fishy. Ugh, it makes me like sick to my stomach. Maybe it is fatal.

Wait, was that? Yeah, I know, right? I'm feeling like it might be fatal. Was that thrown in because they were saying, hey, our food was fishy. And before you tell me that fish is supposed to be fishy, we ordered the frog. Okay, wait, wait, wait. That's a really good point. Because they said, I understand it's fishy, but the frog and the crawfish were too fishy.

Yeah. So you're totally right. That's what they're saying. I think they're saying, don't worry. Don't tell us that fish is supposed to be fishy when we ordered the frog. Thank God the fruit was not fishy. The fruit was good. That would be worse.

I feel like a frog being fishy is more acceptable than a fruit being fishy. Yeah. Don't get us wrong. All of it's unacceptable. None of it is acceptable. Yes, exactly. None of it is acceptable. If we're talking comparisons, yeah, I guess so.

Yes, exactly. But yes, if we're talking like comparisons, yeah, I guess so. My next one is of Matsu Sushi in Omaha, Nebraska. Matsubal Sushi. Nope. One star by Kevin. It's been a couple of years now, but I had searched for a well-recommended sushi place during my three-week stay in Omaha, and had some here. It was the most disgusting sushi I had ever had, and this is even after I had tasted London's Yo Sushi disasters. If I haven't had any sushi anywhere, maybe without the wisdom,

I'd give them a single star. Shame I can't give any less. especially after i have tasted the sushi in tokyo and surrounding areas i can confidently say this was a truly disgusting experience end of review wow no that's pretty dramatic too so dramatic not quite fatal but not quite fatal um but the use of the word disaster was uh yeah also what's the the yo sushi incident because i'm so curious about that i guess are we supposed to know what that is there was uh apparently the only thing i can find is that a woman was kicked out of uh a yo sushi restaurant and she was blind and she was kicked out for her guide dog oh god so okay i assume that's not what they're referencing i assume not uh okay um i don't think that makes it that's that's it seems more recent

too actually so yeah i don't know i will say i did google uh some what were oh this is a fun question what were the keywords you googled because i want to compare it's been so long i don't know you don't remember i think i did google things like does that words like disaster oh certain just like really dramatic words that you know what i googled tell me it's p but this time with an a i thought a rogue p no uh i googled quote i know a thing or two about sushi i googled i'm a sushi connoisseur i googled uh and i know sushi so i tried some of those to see like oh if and do you know how many people said i lived lived in Los Angeles for a while, so I know sushi.

I have one of those. You do? Heck yeah. Oh, interesting. Or Los Angeles specific, like related. Yes. Yeah. But so most of those reviews were in like California and Texas.

So they didn't end up meaning anything. But there were a lot actually in Idaho that there was like a whole thing in Idaho where people were like, clearly none of these people have real sushi. And I'm like, okay, everyone's just being kind of gatekeepy about sushi. Anyway, well, the next one I have was from an email from Audrey, who sent a review of Suhiro Japanese Restaurant in Grand Junction, Colorado. This is by Lil Squid. Of course course and it's a one-star view they brought me water when i didn't even ask for it end of review that's it and it reminds me of what dad oh duh i don't know why i didn't like our dad gets really mad when people bring him water he just gets like he's like i don't want water and didn't like. Our dad gets really mad when people bring him water. He just gets like, he's like, I don't want water.

And then they're like, well, here's water. And then he's like, I didn't want water. Yes. And so my thing always to like try and diffuse, which doesn't really work, is like, I'll drink both of them. Yes. Which is like really whatever. That probably gives you a glimpse into my behavioral problems. But.

No, I do the same thing. Yeah. We'd be like, we'll drink it. But yeah, I guess people just really don't appreciate being given free water. of your problems but no i do the same thing yeah we'd be like we'll drink it but yeah i guess people just really don't appreciate being given free water that's all i have to say i don't know yeah i don't really get it but hey if you're not gonna drink it i guess it's better to save them some time but then again if they still bring it anyway like what's the harm i don't know i don't know i'm now i'm thinking about all those meals. What's the harm? We'll probably get some scar, some psychological scarring or like.

Therapy bills. Overhydration. Oh, yeah. That's a real problem for us. I'm drinking a martini and two glasses of water. Are you kidding me? You can't do that. That's why I start with the martini.

I usually don't. Dump the waters. I don't usually get to the other two uh it's all for show anyway okay my next one is uh also in nebraska but this is from she her um so we've got one of coen japanese barbecue in Lincoln, Nebraska. And this is by Brad, one star. Was fine at first being first timers. We thought the waiter would know about the menu, but we didn't get a breakdown of the menu. And when we asked what he would recommend, he said, I don't know, because I don't like sushi.

That reminds me of the one, what did we just recently do where it was like, oh, Jimmy Buffett, where he's like, Jimmy Buffett is a cheapskate. Yeah. His chili sucks or whatever. The waiter like hated Jimmy Buffett or something. I don't even like Jimmy Buffett. Was complaining about it. Must have been hired last minute since businesses are lacking workers. Let's go, Brandon. What? What? minute since businesses are lacking workers let's go brandon for a second i was like oh that was the reviewer's name right brad wait no hang on

hang on all of this is wrong let's go i mean y'all if you don't know that's like a right wing um phrase that has been thrown around let's not tell them because i feel like i missed the days when i didn't know what that was it's stupid and it literally is like instead of saying fuck joe biden they say that which i'm like why not just say joe biden what you don't understand is it's hilarious oh is it supposed to be funny it's an inside joke oh it doesn't seem very inside anymore it doesn't and the problem is it's also not funny so i don't totally get it but it's supposedly extremely hilarious have you seen the ones where um have you seen the ones have you seen the tiktoks where the guy uh like interviews people and he

just kind of tries to make them explain what they're doing and saying and it just turns into a train wreck and yeah because you you put them get them talking for more than like 20 seconds and their whole thing kind of unravels he's like let's go brandon what do you mean by that and they're like we mean fuck joe biden and he's like you want to fuck joe biden well not technically fuck joe biden but like fuck joe biden like it's yeah it just turns into the most chaotic, upsetting scene. Let's go, Brandon. So then after that, we get this. There's more?

Yeah, that was not the end. I thought that was the end. No, exactly. That was just thrown in there really randomly. I was going to say, I thought they just copy pasted that on all their reviews. Okay. Management staff needs a course on how to treat customers and especially first-time customers in order to keep them we didn't like a role and asked to change for another and they refused us

we got up and asked for our check coming from los angeles where you would expect more expensive sushi restaurants to treat you that way we have never been treated with rudeness like this little place did and then uh the owner responded this This person is Los Angeles. I'm having like a my brain is being torn in all different directions. And here is here's what the owner has to say. Hi, Brad. First of all, we wish that you would any respect and said hey hey and asked him to cook the scallop roll that you ordered and blamed on our server who has been working for us

three years since we opened literally if you are from la then you should have known better what is raw and cooked roll and you had chance to return once you received it not after you ate almost half of it and asked for a return my god manager my God. Manager also offered to give you a discount percentage, but you refused and still blamed it on our server for not having knowledge to explain it better, while it was clearly stated on the menu description. I ended up taking it off from the bill, but you left with cursing all of us in the restaurant

and tipped $0 for our server. Well, thank you for coming in tonight, and we have been in business for more than a decade and have never experienced a customer like you. As we have responded to your review on Yelp. Well, if you do not respect our employees and you do not deserve our quality of service. End of response. Wow.

Now that is an owner response. Yeah. And I love all the very, very like professional verbiage. And then it says, literally, if you're from LA, you should know better. Yeah. Wow. Agreed. Agreed.

What a dick. Well, all I have left is a Redemptions, Andy. Okay. How many do you have left? I think I just have one more. Do you want to read your... Is it a negative? Okay.

It's a negative. So I'll read one more. This is of Ninja Steak and Sushi House in Fremont, Nebraska. I love these Nebraska ones. This one has an owner response. This is a one star review by Olga. A Chinese run so-called Japanese restaurant. Their hibachi meals appear and taste Chinese.

Their pictures of sushi on the menu are obviously stolen As they don't have half the ingredients that are in the pictures I preferred the sushi boat and never got the akura nor tobiko promised Nor were we compensated for the lack thereof I love Chinese cuisine, just not when it tries to be Japanese It's like going to an Irish pub and getting quesadillas instead of shepherd's pie End of review You get it.

And the owner said, Please tell me the picture of what kind of food you need. And who is Chinese? What food doesn't satisfy you? Do you know it's Christmas? End of response. By the way. Very pressing questions here. But it like calls them out like by the way you realize

today's a special holiday to spend with your family right you know it's christmas wow that's like such a like blow that's cutting that's like cutting you know you're doing this on christmas forget the last one that i complimented like this one needs to be copy and pasted into every manager response ever who's chinese do you realize it's christmas who's i love how they're like what who's chinese what the hell photo are you on about yeah who's chinese go see go be with your family you weirdo like the review is much better like structured and like makes more sense however the owner response just like kind of weirdly blows it out of the water by being like hysterical. So confused, confusing because it's like, what? What are you talking about?

Explain yourself, please. We're all wondering. Oh, that's that's very good. I feel like that does lead right into a redemption because that was like quite a redeeming response. So, of course, I thought, who reviews sushi places? And I first thought- Fox. So I first thought Foodie News won.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Because he loves sushi. Then I realized all his sushi places are in California and Hawaii. So I was like, I know those are not landlocked. You know that Hawaii is not landlocked? Okay. Yeah, I did.

I did remember that. Glad you learned that. Yep. So then, of course, I went to Fox. And I have a redemption. He reviewed a lot of sushi. There were actually nine pages. When I searched his reviews, I typed in sushi. Wow. Nine pages of results.

Just of sushi. Just of sushi. Or just ones that had the word sushi in the review. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so this is of a place called In Town Sushi in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Okay. That counts as landlocked, right? Even though there's lakes. It's got one of the biggest lakes in the world next to it,

but I don't think it's, no, I think that's still considered landlocked because it's not an ocean. Okay, got it. Or like a Gulf of Mexico. Well, this is a four-star review of in-town sushi. He's just not that in-town you. Whenever I am in town, I have to get some in-town sushi. Okay, that's not really true.

The sushi is not bad, but I also think it's a little bit average as far as sushi goes. They put quite a lot of avocado in a lot of their rolls. R-O-L-E-S. I mean rolls. But a lot of hipster actors put a lot of avocado in their rolls, too. Oh, Fox, you get me every time. It's definitely not aimed at authentic sushi lovers, but at Americanized sushi eaters, which is most of what you get in here because it's a tourist place.

It's not a destination for Asian people. It's a destination for all sorts of tourists, so they definitely aim at the wider market and the tourist market and the hipster market and that's what it tastes like to me. Pretty basic hipster sushi with fairly average prices, but maybe just over average for a little stand in a market. End of review.

Nice. The four stars made it seem more like a redemption yeah yeah it was a critic it was a critique but but i think it was very positively done and just the way fox is fox just he's just not that in-town you fox just knows how to write a review i mean he doesn't quite know how to write a pun but he does know how to write a review we can't i think he knows how to write a pun i love his puns you're just thinking he might hear this one day christina trying to get on his good side i would be so honored okay well is it time for my challenge i think so you know what i have no idea what it is i had a

feeling so my challenge was from sunne i don't't know if that's how you pronounce it, but they're Dutch. And it was to find a review where someone went into a coffee shop in the Netherlands without knowing that they sell weed. The marijuana. Drugs. This was one of the hardest challenges. Oh, no. It rivaled the one about finding brock the word broccoli in a dessert that was a really early one like episode four or something yeah i struggled because everybody fucking knows yeah and that's what i was saying at the end of the episode i was saying people who go generally go for that yeah especially tourists who wouldn't the people who wouldn't know

like tourists go there because of the they do know okay that makes no sense that sounds i've got my own paradox going out center's been in a coffee shop in amsterdam for a few hours it's my own paradox because it's the people the people who go for the marijuana like the tourists tourists will go there just for that to those so of course they know about it but of course the people who live there also know about it because they just know how it works so therefore like the only people would be for people from out of town but people who are coming in from out of town are often going just for that okay but even the people who don't know about it don't seem to be writing refuse because i imagine they're not even encountering this as a i'm just saying yeah like of your people like you the people who would

not know this the tourists tourists who go there a majority of them probably are going for that reason right and then so you only have that sliver of people who don't know. And will they write a review? Maybe not. The answer is definitely not because I really struggled. I don't think I completed the challenge. That's okay. I've done that.

What was that one? Okay. It's probably been more than one, but i've definitely failed a challenge before well there was one tweet that i found that said uh i just now realized that coffee shops in amsterdam serve weed i just wanted coffee but like it was a tweet i mean great tweet and that's it like i it was a verified account. Whatever. And so I read probably... God, I read so many damn reviews. Oh, no. So I've kind of...

This is what I have. So this is a review of The Bulldog Amsterdam by Andrew. And it's a four-star review. And the title is Guide to the Uninitiated. Okay, okay. I'm trying to lean into people people who don't know i like it so and me i don't know how it works yeah i do now oh good now and so will we all extensively but apparently it's changing because of covid oh and a lot of them lost a ton of revenue obviously

because travel was banned and they would like pass mouth to mouth pass the you know that's how they would like that's how it works yeah yeah andrew says four stars this is more a guide to the uncool like me who didn't know the score with these coffee shops does that mean they didn't know yeah you just you just... Yeah, that's what that means. I didn't... Okay. I don't know what they meant by they didn't know the score. Whatever. I think so. Okay, good. This is more a guide to the uncool, like me, who didn't

know the score with these coffee shops. There are several bulldog premises. I refer to the big one, which is the old police station. Upstairs is a bar and does not sell weed. Downstairs is the bit that does. You go to the kiosk on the left as you walk in and buy it there. Varying price is around 12 euro a gram or 5 joints worth. Papers and lighters, etc. can be bought from the bar downstairs.

Now this is the bit that threw me. You can smoke it anywhere on the premises, upstairs or down, but only if you don't have tobacco in the joint. There are pots of herbal mix on the bars to roll up with free to use. If you want to smoke a tobacco joint, there is a smoking area at the back of the upstairs bar. Personally, I prefer beer to sweet pop. So went upstairs to the bar area as alcohol is not served in the bottom coffee shop. Anyway, simple as that.

Smiley face. Oh, interesting. Okay. So I guess I forgot forgot no wonder you said mentioned covid and how things are changing like i forgot not only do you buy them there but you're supposed to smoke that smoke it there so you're not necessarily supposed to like i guess what i've read in an article which sunna can tell me if this is right or wrong is that tourists usually smoke there at the premises right and but typically dutch folk will just like go buy it and bring it home and

okay so you don't usually find locals at these kind of places it's more touristy okay um but yeah so of course since tourist revenue kind of halted with covid a lot of these places are going under um and apparently there's now like we there these kind of things are opening up in the u.s oh interesting because of the new laws surrounding marijuana so like in california there are a couple in like san diego i would hate that it doesn't sound great to me i don't like hookah either i've never been to a hookah lounge but i think i would hate it i feel like you would like it why because you just hate okay but i can do that at freaking denny's why do i need to go to hookah lounge like i wouldn't partake in the hookah yeah yeah i mean if you're not doing the hookah i'll just have an edible and go to ihop so a lot

of these places do edibles as well. Okay. But then I don't want to be around all the smoke. Yeah. Well. So I'll go to IHOP. The smoking section's in the back. Can I just go to IHOP, please?

We'll talk about it later. Okay. So this is a three-star review, and this is by Raina, and it's called The Funniest Experience Ever. Someone was still high when they wrote this. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. This is also about the Bulldog coffee shop.

I have been hearing about Bulldog before I visited Amsterdam and I know they serve weed, but I don't mind. That's like the whole point of the place. I love it. That is literally the point of the place. And it like that's that is literally the point of the place and it's like what if you do mind reina like what's gonna happen here don't worry i was hungry that day and it was raining heavily so i had to stop somewhere to eat so the first thing i asked the two bouncers on the door was is there a smoking area i meant cigarettes because in most places in Europe, smoking is forbidden.

So they both laughed out loud, saying, of course, lady. Ha ha ha ha. So I preferred to sit outside, and I ordered burgers. The waiter was so surprised I am ordering food, while everyone around me was smoking up. That was funny, though. I didn't like the burgers at all. Round face. But I like the place.

Although everyone was staring at me because I was eating while they were in La La Land. Ha ha ha ha ha. Smiley face. I see Reina's laugh so well. Also, like, from the context, it's like, wow, this person is definitely high or like was high writing the tribute but like it's a second hand high they just right they just found it hilarious despite not having any drugs in their system just a really shitty burger i feel like that's how mom would be at a place like that like that's just a review i could see her writing yeah yeah where she was

like laughing and seeing all these people and like it's such a marvel. It's a marvel. They thought it was so weird that I didn't order any weed, just a burger. Yeah. And meanwhile, Dad would be like, why are they smoking these weird-looking cigarettes? These funny cigarettes. Also, they keep giving me water. What I think is water. And I didn't ask for water.

So I have this okay let me say that again i have this here is a forum post on tripadvisor and it's i love these it's a it's a post by Frankie24. And the title is, Don't Do Drugs. Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. Okay, this might sound really naive. But what if you don't do drugs and you're just going for the culture, etc.? Will I feel really out of place in the cafes, etc.? Will it be constantly pushed on us? I'm sure it will be fine, but I thought I'd ask.

Thanks. This is obviously an an amsterdam like thread i mean it at first i was like that's kind of like that's funny and silly but then i'm like people have hyped that up so much yeah but i could see why they'd be a little bit like concerned will i make will i be uncomfortable will i make yeah exactly because yeah that's basically like when especially growing up in the States, I don't know where this person is from, but for us, I was like, when you think Amsterdam, you think weed, legal weed.

That's it. Oh yeah. That was like always a thing. And there are also places that I read, I read reviews of where people said like they, they kicked us out because we weren't buying enough or they they said i couldn't hang out with my friends if i didn't also buy weed i mean yeah i don't that's probably not legal necessarily but like that happened um but anyway most of the responses were like don't worry about it yeah you'll be fine like it's nobody's gonna force you to do anything blah blah blah that was my experience

oh i've never been to amsterdam yeah i took a day trip with my friend, Joanna. We drove from Essen to Amsterdam. Oh, yeah. And we just hung out all day and went to a cool museum. I don't remember which one it was, but it was really cool. And then just walked around and, yeah, had some coffee, I'm sure, and stuff. Coffee wink? No wink.

No wink. I was driving and i was pretty straight edge at that point weren't we all anyway this is a response from i'm nervous why is there such a long pause come up with the username christina was like i was like are you like afraid to get into this yeah i'm just gonna read it okay the name is hemi kiwi and i was like i'll make it hank and i'm like i literally already did hank and then my brain just stopped working um so this is a response from hemi kiwi remember all the other responses were like very supportive and nice and this is hemi kiwi's response frankie it is a bit

naive misspelled but in quotes for some reason to think that all of amsterdam in cafes are smoking marijuana and that you would feel out of place to be fair it is pretty nice neat naive to think that they're smelling smoking marriage of mama or what was it? Marijamama? Frankie, it is a bit naive to think that all of Amsterdam and cafes are smoking Marijamama and that you would feel out of place and that it would be constantly pushed on you. I'm not sure if you were just looking for a reaction and a response. Yikes. The person responded like, no, I was literally just wondering, but okay.

I think it's a very valid question. I agree. There are no stupid questions, people. Come on. And a lot of the responders were Dutch. It wasn't like, you know, anyway. And then now this is the last. They didn't say that it's all, like, this person just went, took it from one to a thousand.

And they're just like from Australia. It's not like, oh, I'm Dutch and you're offending me. You know what I mean? It was like some random other foreigner. Some stoner who's like offended for maybe or some straight edge person who's like how dare you so this is the last one i have it's a five star view it's sort of a redemption was which is why i saved it for last and it's by curious casey and uh the title is crazy and it's a review of amsterdam alternative culture walking tour with local food sampling wow alternative walking tour alternative culture alternative culture so that means with local food sampling wink oh marriage of mama marriage of mama why would you put m's in that word whatever

true i don't think they're a stone i like i love how i call them after they called marijuana marriage of mama so this is the review it's five stars by curious casey of this walking tour and the title is crazy i'm not sure what i expected but i honestly wasn't planning on imbibing any ganja christina okay people like this is so good people talking about weed who don't like normally talk about weed is like the best thing and this is like coming from two people who don't like spend a ton of time talking about weed but like you know ganja so funny so that's what i did is i searched keywords the keywords for this one that i searched

were they sell marijuana because i thought like who's saying that in a review. I searched they have pot there. I searched like phrases where I'm like, I feel like this is something that someone would say to be like surprised. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ganja, I didn't even think of. I just stumbled upon this one. Lovely. Yeah.

I'm not sure what I expected, but honestly wasn't planning on imbibing any ganja. Our guide Eric was personable, funny, caring, and knowledgeable. The first stop was an Irish bar where you could order a drink on your own dime. Or a quesadilla, am I right? The first stop was an Irish bar where you could order a drink on your own dime, and Eric took about 15 minutes to explain the history of the ganja laws. Oh, not the official term parentheses non-laws oh no okay i think yeah lack of lack of law i guess it's not really a lack of laws because

there are quite a few stringent laws about like did you know you're not oh wait shit they're about to tell me this is how i learned it from this review. I'm like, fun fact. I want to hear the reviewer. You want Casey to tell you, not me. Okay. Or actually Eric, I guess. Eric took about 15 minutes to explain the history of the ganja laws, non-laws. Ganja is considered a soft drug in Amsterdam, similar to alcohol, nicotine, and caffeine. A location can sell only one of these soft drugs, so you cannot drink alcohol and smoke weed in the same place. The next stop was our first coffee shop. No space

equals cannabis shop. Eric showed us the difference in marijuana types and explained how the coffee shop menu worked. Purchased by quantity, by a single roll joint, or edibles. Eric cautioned us that if we were going to try it, to take just one toke and wait five minutes before doing so again. Eric abstained, but everyone in our group tried and enjoyed both a joint and edibles. We laughed the rest of the tour. End of review. Lovely. That sounds like a great tour.

I know. If you get the right people on it, you know. Yeah, if you get someone like a great tour. I know. If you get the right people on it, you know. Yeah. If you get someone like Curious Casey. I'd get high with Curious Casey. I bet it would be a blast. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine like a paranoid person.

I mean, I've gotten paranoid before from it, but like being on one of those walking tours and then someone in your group gets like super paranoid walking around. That sounds miserable. I feel so bad for them what i will say is i don't really i've only ever tried weed in the context of it being legal because i'm a i don't know whatever but uh like in denver and then in la and i only a couple times i i don't i didn't enjoy it doesn't work for you i think i did it wrong i don't know maybe I need Eric to teach me because I think I was doing it wrong well I'm uh I'm a uh holder of a medical marijuana card in the state of Ohio but you live in Kentucky so that's exactly right I think that's

okay with me um yeah I just get sad and hungry. I get sad without the weed. Me too, but I'm just like- And hungry without the weed. Me too, but I don't fully need to exacerbate it. Yeah, true. I get the full experience without having any- You sound like dad who's like- I know. Our dad doesn't drink alcohol,

so when he's like, he's like, I'm fun enough without it. I have just as much fun. And I'm like, well, you think that, but maybe give it a try. No, no, no. Anyway, so that's that. I think you did wonderfully. And I do think you did complete the challenge.

I felt bad because I was like, everybody at these places, like, went there for a reason, you know? I mean, if I brought that up when I gave you the challenge, like, I didn't have high hopes for you yeah and but you did it you did it oh thank you okay i'll take it um so yeah that's all i've got and uh did we already give i think we already gave theme challenge last time right i think so yeah phew i hope if not we'll figure it out if not i'm just making that up and because i don't want to do it also i just made blaze we were ordering food and he's like what do you want i was like i'm kind of feeling like chinese i wonder why i'm like what am i thinking like i just read so many reviews about people a claiming japanese restaurants were chinese buffets which i was like shocked by

how many people said that and b B, everyone just got poisoned. Yes. Oh, somebody posted, they poisoned me. Christina, that's so dramatic. You found the most dramatic reviews. But then they were like, I had food poisoning all day. I'm like, you can't start it by saying they poisoned me. Like, that's not the same.

It got your attention. It did. And that's all these reviews are about, getting people's attention. And now I'm going to go eat Chinese food food and then leave your own poisoned yourself all right all righty thanks everybody we'll see you next week for the mysterious theme we picked bye Bye.