Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 171: Reviews of Hard Rock Cafe

Episode Date: March 9, 2022

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. This is The real deal. We're professionals now. Why? What's changed?

Well, oops, I looked at the camera. We have a whole... I keep looking around like I'm talking to an audience. Just look at me. Look into my eyes. Okay, okay. We have a whole rigmarole set up. Yeah, good idea. Okay, yeah, good. Perfect.

So we're recording audio. God damn it. We're recording video for the first time ever. Yeah, we're also recording audio. We're also recording audio, hopefully. We're hoping this continues to work. Wouldn't that be fun if it was just video? There's a chance that things will crash.

So we'll see how long this lasts. But yeah, but only for TikTok. We're not posting on YouTube or anything. We're just hoping we get some funny things for TikTok. So you can follow us there at Beach Too Sandy. Yeah. And before you're like, why do they hate YouTube? It's not that.

The problem is we have to put music under it again if we post video. And it takes a long time to do that for YouTube as opposed to TikTok, which would be short sound bites that probably won't take long to edit. So maybe eventually. Maybe. But not right now. Yeah, too much work. But speaking of video, this is my transition into an announcement that I have.

Oh, good. Glad you warned me of this. I, for the first time ever, am re-listening to Beach 2 Sandy, which is our podcast. I keep forgetting that I need to go. Am I allowed to watch? Are there replays of Twitch? Yeah, you can watch a VOD. Yeah.

So I stream that on Twitch. Oh, the VOD. Yeah. I listened to the first three episodes of our podcast. You did three of them? Because they were like 15 minutes each. I know. I thought you were going to try out in little bits, episodes you did three of them because they were like 15 minutes i know i thought you were gonna try out in little bits but you did all three i did all three and well okay i would have stopped if the first one for some reason didn't go well but a lot of people showed up and it was lots of fun and like had questions i talked about

like the thought process in some ways and our anxieties about our show because it was our first three episodes and i just blabbed about the behind the scenes type of things and uh we found our first ever office reference which was in episode three oh yikes our first time using the uh big blank joke of like oh like uh big big mike tobacco is gonna get you i don't know which is an actual real thing but so yeah it was fun big tobacco what a fun joke so i'm doing that every sunday okay and that's on twitch on twitch twitch.tv slash zandy schieffer that's in the show description and pretty soon on mondays i will be doing a re-listen of all the b BHC San Diego. Well, no, that's not true.

What I'm doing is I'm listening. I'm watching Alexander's commentary. And then I'm commentating on the commentary. Okay, good. So that you guys get the real picture. It's going to be reaction videos all the way down. Yeah. Just back and forth.

All the way down. It'll be like, that's not true not true yeah i said big tobacco first or whatever the exactly yeah you will just go back and forth telling talking about how the other person is wrong you'd like troubling things that i discover in your commentary and all that it was quite troubling at times i imagine it would have been yeah but it was lots of fun so thanks everyone for showing up and uh yeah check me out there yep yeah now we got hrc what what did you just say hrc oh i did see someone say that hillary rodham clinton i did see someone call it hrc a lot of people i called it that i wrote hrc throughout my whole document i'm gonna i i feel like i found more people in this episode who were regulars and acted like they are hip with it. More so than Margaritaville, which shocked me.

I did find somebody who went to the Hard Rock in Cincinnati, which used to be a Margaritaville. I've been to the Margaritaville. Yes. Can you save that for the commentary track when you listen back to the episode? Okay. So I found somebody who said, I used to go to this MV.

I had to figure out what the hell that was. Oh my God. And they said... ABQ. Wait, ABZ. Sorry. ABZ, MV. MV is Margaritaville.

We got some foodie news. HRC is Hard Rock Cafe cafe yeah um and they said i used to go to this mv so i know the layout really well and i'm like cool brag you don't know the layout of the hard rock cafe i guess that's cool i mean i feel like if you've been to one you know them all yeah i don't think it's like anything that mysterious to most people but I mean what do I know I don't go to many HRCs have you been to an HRC I have in Berlin in Munich not proud of either of those um I've been did you very intentionally speak German so they didn't think you were like an American tourist no Christina I was very proudly speaking English for the first time while living in Germany oh okay and yeah while living there though so it's not like i was

like there for a few days and decided to go to the hard rock cafe i've been to the one in dc um really yes with whom with mom tim francisca when we were like visiting you one time. So the one downside to this rigamarole is that there are a lot of cords for Gio to wrap himself up in. There is a dog who is not good about walking over a cable that is maybe a centimeter off the ground. He literally just stares at Alexander until he lowers it down so that he can step over it. Okay, sorry. So you went to one in dc i've only been i think to the one in berlin but not with you it's worse i know i've been to like at least i'm like oh i've been to multiple i assume i went to one in florida probably the same i'm thinking the same

whirlwind adventure when we went to the benihana i'm imagining it was the same trip but i don't really know benihana hard frog cafe we hit it all we did bh we did hrc we did we didn't do an mv we were too young for that yeah um we did an rc roller coaster rc cola uh uh i know i know we went to sk spy kids uh i think it was sk3 sk3 yeah 3d okay sk3d mk ultra we did a little bit of that what wait what's a rainforest cafe oh i know no we didn't but i wanted to say i was gonna say i've never been there i was like where would we have been i've also never been and it haunts my soul a little bit. Yeah. This is so interesting to everybody where we've been. So should we just do the episode? Sure.

Cool. I'm bringing some weird energy. I ate a lot of Sour Patch Kids. I'm on camera. I don't really know what to do. Wow. That's a lot going on for you. It's more than my usual day to day. Especially the Sour Patch Kids. Wow. That part's pretty normal. normal but anyway you go first okay uh my first one is of uh the hard rock cafe in atlantic city okay one star review okay now this is by chad this place is unsanitary when being walked by the hostess you can see the rest of the tables and i couldn't believe what i had seen which was a fork with a piece of home-fried potato on it.

Could you imagine? No, that's inner the horror. It was placed on the table that was ready for someone to sit at. That's just one of the many things I've seen, but that did it for me. Never again an AC barf emoji. It was one of, okay, trust me. There were, there's more where that came from. You think the home fry was the end of it?

No, that was where it just began. Also, I love the notion of like, it was placed there for somebody to sit at. They put that there very specially. What if it was part of the request when they made a reservation? A single home fry so we know what table is ours. That was Elvis's home fry that he ate on tour. He ate it? And regurgitated it?

Yes. Wow. And then they put it next to Dolly Parton's dress. Oh, is that what it was? And that's the special birthday booth. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to request. Yeah, yeah.

Yep. Okay, Chad. Well, next time you should be more respectful of elvis's your rock and roll heroes he doesn't know his rock and roll history obviously not um i have a review of the phoenix hard rock and this got a lot of attention on yelp i don't know why but it was it's very phoenix location or this review sorry this location okay um unfortunately for mandy this sort of well actually did get five reactions at the bottom where you can select useful funny or cool so at the end maybe you can guess which what the ratio is useful funny and cool depending on like

how they're five total five total votes um so this is a review by mandy it's one star and also the place is across the street from the phoenix suns okay play a court stadium arena arena arena and so a lot of people come after that and that's why i think it gets a lot of traffic okay one star by mandy if chain restaurants offer us consistency and service and quality well i never need to darken the door of hard rock good 20 people walk in on a friday night there is only one table in the whole place and the highlight of the group was the 100 year old dude wearing suspenders that's the other thing wait wait i don't understand this review there's one table and there's one man with 100-year-old man suspenders. That is a ghost.

She's in a haunted building. This doesn't sound correct. The Hard Rock Cafe. This is not correct. This is... Oh, she saw the ghost of Elvis. You got Elvis on the brain. We're never going to get through a review without a mention of Elvis.

She was walking in Memphis. Walking with her feet 10 feet off the ground okay that's why there's a man suspenders makes so much sense i'm sorry i don't understand this review i don't i don't know is that it no there's more okay but i don't understand why she's if she's part of the 20 person group i assume i don't know i don't know is she we'll find out well we probably won't if chain okay i was gonna say have you not read this before you might think i have not by the way i'm behaving but i'm pretty sure i have okay 20 people walk in on a friday night there is only

one table in the whole place and the highlight of the group was the hundred-year-old dude wearing suspenders. The bartender acted as if the vandal hordes had just descended on her. Seriously, I think she thought she was done for the night. She got pissy with our multiple orders, couldn't remember two drinks at a time, and generally was a pain in the ass. None of the drinks stood out as anything fancy, so we started to pack up and leave. While waiting for my friends to settle up, I stationed myself outside the door and did some in-person yelping. Oh, no. Those are the worst. I don't know.

If you're yelping before you even leave the establishment's premises, they should put a block on Yelp for their Wi-Fi. No, do you know what? She doesn't even mean she was using the app. Oh, she was just browsing Yelp, their Wi-Fi. No, do you know what? She doesn't even mean she was using the app. Oh, she was just browsing Yelp, as one does. No. Oh, no. Wait, okay, what? Was she complaining in person?

Is that what she was? Okay, I'm going to stop guessing. Explain. I did some in-person yelping, basically telling everyone thinking about walking in to run. She was standing outside giving everyone her one-star review. That's almost as bad as the people who are preaching End of Days. Almost as bad.

Yeah, she's out there with a megaphone, basically. It's worse. I'd rather hear about the End of Days, honestly. Well, I guess a drunk girl standing outside telling you not to enter is not a good deterrent for everyone. Out of the five couples that came up, Conan O'Brien's show had just ended. Go Team Coco. Two decided...

What? Like at the basketball arena? I don't know. I don't understand. I don't know what's going on either. Two decided to try somewhere else on my words. Smart people. They will go far in life.

The other three doubted my wisdom and ventured inside. All three walked out before the last of my friends did. Every single one of them was stunned at how the single staff member working made them feel like they were intruding. I did exit polling. And decided that there must be another place in downtown Phoenix on a Friday night that would like some money. End of review. How long were you there? She's still there to this day.

Still there? Still exit polling? I think she's still exit polling. I did some exit polling. How irritating. Can you imagine bragging about doing exit polling at a Hard Rock Cafe while drunk? Like openly admitting you were drunk. Yeah.

Openly admitting you're in person yelling telling couples not to go inside uh and then pulling people leaving the restaurant i mean this person needs to be removed from the premises as far as i'm concerned but also i like maybe the staff appreciated because they were like yeah we don't want people in here that's true it seems like they were had their hands full with that go away that's with that suspender-clad ghost that was inside. Yeah, I also like your idea of why don't they just block Yelp at the... That would never stop Mandy, because they block Yelp and she's like, I don't need Yelp to Yelp. True.

I can Yelp right here. So what was the problem? What was the complaint? I don't understand what went wrong. The bart was the problem? What was the complaint? I don't understand what went wrong. The bartender was just a pain in the ass, generally speaking. Like, what happened? That's literally it. And there was a 100-year-old man.

A 100-year-old man, and the drinks weren't very fancy. So they decided to back up and leave. So what do you think the ratio is useful funny cool definitely zero useful in my mind um so all cool i would say two funny three cool we got two useful three funny and one cool i was way off yeah well that's okay it's probably for the best you don't have the same thought process as these people. I'd probably give it a cool if I had to give it something. It has sunglasses.

Yeah, I know. Oh, I know. Okay. Okay, my next one is of the Miami location. This is a one-star review by Victor. Everything brilliant, but the waitress was a problem. She, my wife, asked for tap water, and she giggled while walking away. As the bill came, she verbally asked for tip.

Tramp! Couldn't believe my ears. She has blonde hair, very man-like face. Avoid! End of review. Oh my god! Yeah, that threw me. So unnecessary!

I'm just scrolling through these reviews and in all bold i see tramp and i'm like this is good splendid there's sparkles and fairies and that it was so like how dare you ask for tap water um but it was it was so weird as so okay there were a lot about tipping did you see any things about tipping? Supposedly, the Hard Rock Cafe has brochures for foreign visitors about tipping guidelines. No, that's funny. So instead of paying your workers a living wage and making them rely on tips as most American companies or restaurants do, they decided to print out all of these brochures to hand

to customers. I don't know if that was a location specific, but I did see a couple of reviews about that where people were like, yeah, they saw we were foreigners and gave us this brochure. Sorry, but talk about corporate greed. Their Kinko's bill was probably high enough to print all those brochures that they could have probably paid a decent wage to these people and instead they're like no that relies on the customer and then someone was like it's pretty like i didn't it's just kind of funny but like also kind of it was very sad but they were like no we didn't tip 10

because we're foreigners we tip 10 because the service was terrible we understand tipping yeah that's literally what they said like oh no we know how to tip but yeah so many reviews of like how dare they ask for a tip it's like the fact that they have they survive on these tips like yeah and they probably if they're asking it means they often don't get they probably need it yes exactly i mean they definitely need it obviously everyone needs to be paid in this corporate hellscape we're living in but wow uh what a tramp am i right yeah i don't understand why i would jump to that it's literally like yeah my wife asked for tap water and then the waitress

giggled while walking away and then as the bill came she verbally asked for a tip tramp what like how does that make you a tramp i don't understand if she had non-verbally asked non-verbally maybe if she had just done a little wink oh you know yeah um all right well so now speaking of um foreign places we're going to barcelona oh of course of course So this is the HRC in Barcelona. This is a two-star review by Katrina. It was so-called one of the most legendary places on the planet. By whom?

It's HRC. I was 15. Okay. Okay. I remember my friends would go abroad and pose in front of the Hard Rock restaurants with their brochures. No, I added that part.

There's no brochures. Yes, it was cool. But once, two and a half man was... Two and a Half Man was... Two and a Half Man? Oh my god, that's Martin Sheen's version. It's a knockoff version. Yes, it was cool, but once Two and a Half Man was the coolest show too until Ashton Kutcher showed up. I forgot, Ashton Kutcher showed up. I forgot.

Ashton Kutcher bought Hard Rock Cafe and then just went down the nail from there. Ashton Kutcher, he didn't even buy it. He just showed up. He just walked in. Plummet. Okay. Yes, it was cool,

but once Two and a Half Man was the coolest show too until Ashton Kutcher showed up, now it is a pure tourist trap. And I'm assuming they're talking once Two and a Half Man was the coolest show, too, until Ashton Kutcher showed up. Now it is a pure tourist trap. And I'm assuming they're talking about Two and a Half Man. Being a tourist trap. In all, because they go back to back, but I'm not sure. High prices for average food. One of the staff, I remember, was so convinced that he was the second big thing when all I cared about was to get...

What's the first big... Sorry, there cared about was to get what's the first big sorry there's so much to interrupt here this makes no sense ashton kutcher's the first big thing and this waiter is a second big thing i think i think she meant like the second coming the next big thing so they combine like the next big thing but in like what like usually that's in context of some sort of industry like the next big waiter like i don't knew on abc we've run out of all other game show ideas um this is all over the place because we're talking about like her friends visiting all how how cool it was when her friends visited. And then all of a sudden two and a half men is really cool.

But now the waiter. Okay, I'm going to go back to that. One of the staff, I remember, was so convinced that he was the second biggest thing. You can't even get through it. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. You can't even get through it. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. He was the second big thing when all I cared about was to get rid of the stain on my shirt and trying to get some napkin.

What? Personally, I think you should see Hard Rock Sessions once in every month organized by Citi's most popular magazine, Barcelona Metropolitan. Insert link BarcelonaMametropolitan.com where you can experience and see the concert and dining experience all together under the stage lights. Each session, a rock band performs on the stage. Overall mainstream rock, nothing more but free entrance. You can get a spot on the bar, have your own opinion about the place, and at least say, I have been there and move on. In fact, please move on and do not wear those tasteless HRC hats and shirts. End of review. Wow. I

don't even understand what their recommendation was. A special event once a month at HRC? Yeah, where you can keep your opinion to yourself and move on. I don't know. I don't know. She also wrote a review of a screening every month. They do a screening of Two and a Half Man.

With and without Ashton Kutcher. With and without. Oh, yeah. The other one has the waiter as the host. The second big thing. Yeah. My next one is also of that Miami location. This review is by Michael.

One star. Rude. I like to visit the Hard Rock Cafe in each city as I travel. This being number 20, I hoped it would be a special stop. We are traveling 10 plus hours today, so we figured we would stop in and have lunch before hitting the road. we would stop in and have lunch before hitting the road. We arrived just before the opening time of 11 a.m., so we figured we would shop the Rock Shop, which opens at 9 a.m., while waiting on the restaurant to open, but was quickly shooed away by the staff, who rudely told us, we open at noon because of COVID. It even says so on Google. Another employee who was just arriving for work

walked over to help us, but the rude staff member quickly came out of the rock shop to get on him and repeating himself about the hours. Okay, I get it. COVID has screwed up a lot of things, but to not even allow us to shop in the rock shop one hour early

is just awful. Too far. Too far. We've gone too far. You know what? It's one thing. It's too far. We've gone too far. You know what? It's one thing. You jab my children. You strangle them with fabric every day. But you don't let me enter the rock shop an hour early. An hour early.

Now it's gone too far. It's gone too far. I'm alerting the media. Actually, I assume the media is part of the problem. Yeah. I'm alerting the media. Actually, I assume the media is part of the problem. Yeah.

Being stop number 20, I wanted to get some extra gear. Okay, I'm sorry. I wasn't going to say it the first time, but what? Special stop number 20? Yeah, apparently. What's the 20th anniversary? Is that the silver? You get a silver Hard Rock Cafe button or something? Oh, no, it's ground beef.

Oh, got it. That's why. He's like, there's one place, one place only. Yeah. Being stopped number 20, I wanted to get some extra gear,

but I will just stick to the coffee mug and magnet as I don't want to give them any extra money now. We had time to kill, so we walked downstairs to the Landshark Margaritaville, who appeared to be open. We were met at the door

by a staff member who says, We don't open until noon, but the chef is in. Let me ask if he can whip something up for you guys. Looks to me like the hard rock boosts the love all serve all motto, but Landshark Margaritaville actually lives it. End of review.

So Landshark is poaching the customers. I like the little Margaritaville crossover. Landshark is one of the customers. I like the little Margaritaville crossover. Interesting. Landshark is one of the bars within Margaritaville. I see. And that poor chef is like, I'm not ready to work yet. And they're like, sorry, too bad.

I just cut off my shift opening for Hard Rock Cafe and working there. Upstairs. I walked downstairs. I have to go deal here. Also, I love that they give they're like i will only spend 20 at this location i refuse to spend any more money budget because i don't want to give them it but i'm gonna give them i need to still get my money they have to get my money it's number 20 i go this mug he's gonna be pissed off he's gonna look at that mug and be in

a bad mood i don't know why even whatever it's it's 20 it's stop 20 now now his grandchildren he can when they use his mug he can say oh man let me tell you a story about my time at miami they're like we know grandpa we've heard it all before we know the story dad uh back in my day covid all right so the next one i have is from an email from lauren she her shefer and this is of a hard rock cafe in boston and it's a one-star review by sally on google went here for a school event sat at my table well past eating hours watching my classmates eat almost like they forgot about me that's so sad really sad absurd considering all i had as a light snack before was salt and vinegar chips the waiter was polite and all but treated me almost like

a immature student and not as the polite young adult that i am wouldn't recommend do yourself a favor and travel to the new york hard rock much more upscale end of review okay i've seen i saw that a lot i saw a lot of people say i saw a lot of people say do yourself a favor and go to x hard rock or hard rock in x city um and i'm like is anyone than, I guess, the person that I just read a review from, like traveling to all of these Hard Rock Cafe locations? And like, oh, like no one's going to Miami for the Hard Rock normally. Yeah. So like when you leave that review, it's like, oh, okay, next time we'll go to the Hard Rock

in New York. Do yourself a favor and drive several hours. Like one of them that I read too was in Phoenix and it said, do yourself a favor and drive a couple extra hours to California. And I'm like, for the Hard Rock Cafe, I guess. Wait, where was your location? This was Boston. Yeah. It's like, that's not close.

It's sure a train ride. Yeah. You got to take a full onon trip up there but so i guess my confusion is sally well she's being left out yeah because she ate but she only had salt and vinegar chips yeah i well i mean i this is all coming from sally's mind here so okay i don't think anyone but Sally can really know, like, what Sally means. What happened here? Because I'm worried about you. There's something going on here.

Your friends don't seem very nice. Maybe you have bad breath after those salt and vinegar chips. I could very well be. But, like, she sat there and watched her classmates eat. Yeah, why not eat your salt? I don't understand. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, why not eat your... I don't understand. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know. And in what ways was the waiter treating you like an immature schoolgirl? Well, he was very polite. Very strange. But, you know, Sally is a polite young adult, so... Deserves better. That's why she knows about the upscale locations in New York City, such as the HRC

Times Square, I'm assuming. Yeah. So catch Sally there and she will be the star of the show, unlike the Boston location where she seems to be left out. That makes no sense. None of it makes sense. I don't really follow, but it seems like she had a rough time. So one star.

I'm sorry. My next one comes from tush uh she they um this is of the hard rock cafe in seattle washington two stars by frank oh okay i i didn't know if tush was this alter ego you've created for this reviewer or if this was actually this no emailer this is the emailer tush she they i don't these reviewers tend to not leave pronouns that's what i was confused and i was like wow tush that's a new name okay usually you go with chad and like vivian or something sometimes i'll throw in something real weird yeah uh here's a two-star review by Frank.

My wife wouldn't pay $5 for that salad again. She said it was pretty bad. My burger was fine, so instead of a one, I give the food category a two. We were seated with a reservation at a poor table directly inside a wind tunnel in the middle of the restaurant. It was too early in the year to have the doors open. There was a pretty cold breeze hitting us while we waited way too long for just a burger and a salad, not impressed at all. Also, I'm accustomed to seeing old school music videos on the TVs in a hard rock cafe, but this restaurant seemed like some sort of pathetic millennial safe space. I

would never have thought I was in a hard rock if it weren't for the music memorabilia on the walls. End of review. What was on the TV? Christina, I don't know. Is that our fucking podcast? I don't know. Talk about a millennial safe space. Blah, blah, blah.

I'm just trying to picture. I'm getting so riled up and then like being mad that it's a safe space when you're like so riled up and sensitive to this. Is 80s and 70s rock and roll like not a safe space for people? I don't know. Our age? Exactly. Exactly. That's so true.

I would argue that you watch any sort of music video today and it's probably less of a safe space than like a 90s rock video. But I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. I mean, he was in a wind tunnel. So I guess it might have been hard to see. True, true, true. I just do picture it as like that's the entertainment for the night.

You just see those people in a wind tunnel in the center of the restaurant. Must be so insufferable like to like be at a restaurant with this person. Like, could you imagine actually getting riled up about the video music videos that they're playing and then every time there's a breeze he's like not the wind tunnel okay so yeah like that i'm like that's kind of annoying freaking breeze yeah yeah like but i don't know safe space safe space so this is uh an email from brooke it's a review of a Hard Rock Cafe in Baltimore. It's a one-star review by Chris. Wow. Atrocious. Disgusting. Smelly. Abysmal. Insipid.

I don't know what was worse, the hostess, server, or the food. Had a reservation for five on a slow Friday night over Labor Day weekend. Asked if I wanted booth or table, we said booth. After arriving to the booth, we realized it was a little tight. I asked to move to a table instead. Host told us not possible and started firing off excuses. Granted, if it was busy, I'd understand being that I was a waiter for over five years, but there was 10 empty tables in sight. Server comes over, says, you all look crammed. I said, yes, we are. Can we have a table?

Was told no again. Saving all tables for a 30 top that I guess never arrived. We asked what beer was available. The server said a lot and then walked away. Okay. Okay. Unbelievable. 30 minutes later, we get our drinks.

An hour later, we have our app. The server was by far the worst part. But let me tell you, the food came in a close second. Overpriced, overcooked, and left a pretty bad taste in my mouth on the real. I'm still rinsing with mouthwash every other hour to get the taste out of my mouth. I hope this place doesn't treat every guest this way or produce such horrible service. If I was the manager, I would be disgusted with myself for what my staff called good service.

I'd rather never eat again than have to suffer through another meal at this joint. Shut it down. John Taffer. Thank you for signing it. Okay. And it signed with a little. That whole time I was like, who wrote this? I would love to know.

What a beautiful poetic review. Who could have written it? None other than Squiggle Line. This person should be proud. they used a tilde a tilde john taffer um i used to do that but i would say the pickle guy my emails yes i do recall that i do like tilde asterisk tilde or the pickle guy and like alternating caps and lowercase and it would be in green and i put that as my email signature so every email i sent out including like in third grade when i was emailing my third grade teacher you know it's really awkward what i was in fifth grade and i was still emailing our third grade teacher and that's what it was it was probably fourth grade that i

was emailing her yeah and my signature was what was your same setup but chrissy kiwi chrissy kiwi so this poor woman was getting emails from the pickle guy and chrissy kiwi and she's like i'm not even your teacher anymore please leave me alone yeah she'd like respond and correct all my spelling and stuff which was kind of sweet like she was very sweet and nice oh yeah it was so funny she was like one of the hardest teachers like like intense kind of but like very sweet i don't know i mean i dressed as her as for halloween which also like this poor woman was like what have i done to deserve this from these weird german children they just don't leave me alone and they just discovered email and they discovered yahoo so we're all in trouble oh it's so bad and comic sans that was definitely a big discovery oh

yeah the pickle guy and chrissy kiwi what a combo we made it's taken over terror is on the town we still are except now we have a fucking podcast except now we have a platform oh no okay my next one is of that same uh hard rock cafe in se Seattle from Tush. This is a four-star review. This is by, let's say, Margaret. Okay. Our server had asked us multiple times to fill out a survey so that he could win money to provide groceries for his kids and put gas in his car. He asked us to give him five stars before we had even gotten our food. When we went to place our order, the same server told us what we ordered sucked and was disgusting.

We asked for no peppers in the same dish, and at the end of the meal, he made a comment about her not eating the peppers. Upon us leaving, he went on to brag about how he was so excited to watch TV on his new big flat screen TV he just bought. The food was fine. Expensive food for an overall not good experience. End of review. You shouldn't have tipped him $5,000. That's what you get. This person was more confused by their experience than we normally are. They were like, it didn't seem like it was real to them.

The thing stacked up. it seemed like an odd dream that you can't really make sense of and the fact they gave four stars i was weirdly impressed by that i thought well like you're complaining about all this and yet you only took one star off good for you the gauntlet made it out the other side and really didn't knock off that many stars i mean this guy has got quite a racket going on if he's buying flat screens and dissing everyone's food and somehow still making bank i don't know i don't know what he's doing but oh good good i respect it though i respect the hustle i guess he's handing those brochures out everywhere this is how you tip all right so i have an email from emma she her shrenda and emma says it's me emma from the she

and theme and rating challenge that xandy forgot about i'm here to provide you with an onslaught of hard rock cafe reviews uh i only have one here because i already had so many but i did pick one and it's of a hard rock cafe in chicago it's a one-star review by gordon this place was awful. We had to send back my wife's ribs because they were like rubber. Instead of falling off of the bone, she had to yank them apart and sauce squirted all over the place and coated the front of our shirts and my glasses. There was hardly any customers and we still waited close to an hour just for the food to come out. If you're on vacation in downtown Chicago, skip this place and go for something else. Oh no, not squirting sauce all over my glasses and then there's a response from owner pretty basic says we're so sorry that we didn't deliver on the service that you expect from us blah blah

blah and then it says there's a new paragraph that isn't featured in the other response like the other generic spoiler plate not just boilerplate it says are there any more details you could share with me about your visit do you remember the name of your server or if a manager stopped by if you have the receipt i could locate the information and my sneaking suspicion is they want to know more about this hilarity that ensued with the sauce incident. Some of the owners responded and said that they do have cameras on the premises. They want to see that?

They want to see. They want to find the exact time so they can post it on their corporate TikTok? I was about to say, they want to go TikTok viral. Hell yeah. Don't we all? Okay, everyone, look out for that one. Oh. I was just doing a little wink to camera um but yeah so i just love the like can you tell me a little bit more about what happened to you yeah i love what time was it what day

wink wink tell me everything um my next one is also from um a lauren she her, of the Boston location. Didn't you read one from a Lauren of the Boston? No, it's a different one. Oh, okay. I'm just curious. It would be weird if two Laurens sent in two separate Boston hard rock cafes. Maybe it was a different, maybe it was the same Lauren. Oh, interesting.

We got caught different emails i don't know lauren's spreading it out i love it okay here's here's one star review this is uh by donna been there for dinner and heard not one rock song hard pop cafe an employee then proceeded to lecture us about wearing masks i guess they are now not only hard pop cafe but also fauci cafe maybe i will wait for new management before i go back in again end of review what's not even clever no do you think they say that about everywhere they go more like chase fauci bank am i right that was a weird one to pull out of nowhere i was gonna say fifth third fifth fauci fauci chase cafe but then i was like bank damn

it then i was like does he is fifth third local my brain yeah tried to figure that out mcdonald's more like mcfauci yeah see that's even better than fauci cafe that doesn't make any fucking sense like not burger king but fauci king oh that was good that's good they're like oh they're they're praising fauci more than it's actually king fauci king so it's yeah it's not burger king it's king fauci okay king fauci um i yeah hard pop cafe not funny not great at least has some i can't do better don't get me wrong but don't sell yourself short you think no uh but then a fauci cafe you really lost you really went off the rails with that attempt at humor it didn't work um no one's gonna side with you on this yeah that's the problem you and true no one liked this there's no cool no one cooled it cooled it yeah sorry it's a no-go for me me too um all right let's

see what i have okay so this is a review oh actually I think this one was also sent in by a Lauren of the Boston location oh how mysterious what if I accidentally just copy and pasted Lauren instead of everyone's actual name no um what I meant to say is I believe this was also from Emma. Oh, yeah, it was. I picked two, not just one. From Shrunda. Those are her pronouns. Okay.

This is a two-star review of the Hard Rock Cafe Chicago by Ashley, a local guide. The food was really bad. And when the animals and things inside of the cafe were going off, you couldn't even hear yourself think. The animals? Now, here's a response. Like animatronics? Okay, sorry. I'm glad you. No, no, you're good.

Here's a response from owner. Hi, Ashley. I believe you visited the Rainforest Cafe, not Hard Rock Cafe. We do not have animals inside our restaurant. We are an American traditional cafe with rock and roll memorabilia and music. Wow. That's hilarious. Unless, unless.

Unless. Tell me. They were playing the monkeys inside. Oh, so good. Those animals going on. But otherwise, I don't really have an explanation. Yeah. Except our-

That's hilarious. Our sea. I did watch some video of Rainforest Cafe. Did you? Yeah, because I had no idea what to expect. Holy shit. When did you do this? I don't know, like a couple months ago?

Of what? Rainforest Cafe. What to expect? Are you going there? I've never been to one. No, and i'm still i thought you were going without me no okay so we talked about it because we went to minnesota and we there's one in mall of america d and i sorry why you say we like i'm involved no d and i went

to minnesota to visit steven okay uh-huh went to the and there is a rainforest cafe in the mall of america so we talked about going there um and And Dee had been there years ago as a kid. And Steven is terribly afraid of animatronics. Right. I do recall this. So that's why we didn't go. And he was like, I'm willing to. He's like, I'll be anxious the whole time, but I'm willing to go if you really want to. And you said, yay, but it was closed. Otherwise, you were gone. Exactly. No. So we didn't go. But instead, I was like, Dee was telling me about it i'm like what this place seems wild she was like you don't know and i was like no so i watched a walkthrough so you

ordered mcdonald's sat in the car and watched it on your phone a walkthrough yeah like fauci yeah i'm sorry my bad yeah of the rain fauci cafe and i literally watched a walkthrough and watched as these animals and these animatronics made noise. It was so loud. It was so terrifying. Poor Steven would have been out of his mind. Yeah. Understandably so. It looked terrifying.

I feel really kind of ashamed that I've never been because. I'm not anymore. That was scary. The Wine and Crime gals love it, and they go, and they've gone on tour and stuff, I think, if I remember their social media posts correctly.

Their live show, their writer. I got a copy of it. It's like when you take out from Rainforest Cafe. But only take out to defeat the purpose of the whole experience. And bring us one of the animatronics if you can yeah yeah yeah or just do a walkthrough while we eat it just show the walkthrough on your phone um but like em went for their birthday with allison and wow okay brain force cafe is a big

thing in your life but you've just never been missing out and like i want to go and if you had gone in minneapolis i would have felt really sad so can we find i would never without you you're so foolish i almost said thank you i take it back um yep that's all cool um my next one uh this comes from flo she they and flo has uh brought reviews of uh the hard rock cafe in manchester eng Oh, I looked at those. I just thought that might be a fun play. People were just very angry at that one. Well, here's what... I don't know if this is anger, but this is a one-star review by Leonard.

Very far away from Rome, L.A., Miami, etc. End of review. How am I supposed to get my... What what is it your silver pin on our 20th anniversary i i don't i don't know what this person expected they know you're i think you're it's a thing you said earlier of like people who are traveling just to go to to say they went do they sell like i'm not even why are they saying it's far from those locations? Like you can't just like go on vacation and then like make a quick stop, drive an hour to go to the hard rock on your, like on your European vacation. What are you talking about?

This person is saying this location is very far away from Rome, LA, Miami, etc. I don't understand. You can't like just like... Hop on a train. But if you go to the DC location, it's very far from the Manchester location. Yes, also. So why would you say... I don't understand the review.

Why is that a bad thing? Like that's how geography works. Some countries are not that close together as someone with the directional issues i understand i might not be the person you want to trust with this yes you seem to be very confident in that already yeah so just hear me out i think what they're saying is this is a real question alexander do they do they have little passports for hard rock i uh i'm gonna google this hard rock cafe passport somewhere to my lighthouse some weird ebay ads you can get like a uh stamp yes that's what a passport usually is no there's like a passport holder that they sell that's like hard rock that's what i was

themed thinking would come up on your ebay search they do not have that as far as i can tell so what i'm thinking is it's one of those things where people say like i've been to all of them or i've you know what i'm saying like they're trying to hit all of the hard rocks okay and so they're if they're going to they're probably not even at this location you're saying no i don't think so i think they're complaining sorry i think right okay i see where we're mixed up here what i think is they've never been to this place but they wish they could check it off their list but it's so far from any touristy hot spots they might actually travel to why would i go to manchester insulting manchester yes got it so they could go to i don't

know liverpool how far is that nobody knows but i think some people do know how far that is i guess someone might someone might i certainly don't no you certainly don't they could go and then check out manchester but they didn't think about that they just thought about rome and la and miami the only places they want to travel to got it I just also had a recovered memory I'm just looking now and I noticed that this person had reviewed it says 36 reviews in Manchester oh so they are I just completely burst your bubble not intentionally I wasn't letting you do all this just to like bring you crashing down i literally just noticed that i'm sorry actually um you let me go on about my passport idea like a fucking dumbass they probably do know exactly by kilometer how far liverpool is from manchester

and i'm just maybe this person person was trying to review downtown Manchester and accidentally clicked on the Hard Rock Cafe, which happens to be in the middle of town, and reviewed the Hard Rock Cafe, complaining about the location of the city, but they... Well, it doesn't make sense either. None of this makes sense.

I think that's a conclusion that I came to, and I'm gonna stick with. It's really hard for me to accept. I respect the fact that you try to shoehorn other potential... It wasn't quite a shoehorn until you told me that they reviewed 35 places in Manchester. Okay, yeah, it's a hindsight shoehorn, but a shoehorn nonetheless. That's what I always say. If I had a nickel.

If I had a shilling. No, that's not say. If I had a nickel. If I had a shilling. No, that's not right. If I had a... I think nickel is great. Pound. A pound. Oh, you're talking about the... Okay, I see.

Yeah, good job. Thank you. So you don't know their geography, but you clearly know their currency so well. I do. And also while you were insulting my intelligence and talking about how... You did enough of that yourself. There's a Manchester local guide in the house and all this business. I said out loud, I just had a recovered memory. Oh, I didn't hear that.

Yeah, I know. And it kind of just got brushed away. And it felt more awkward when I thought about it realizing there's an audience who just heard me say this and just like never address it everyone's sitting they're all on the edge of their seat i'm sure no they're probably like fucking a they're like thank god they move and then it became more awkward in my own mind when i noticed the camera's still rolling on me over here and i'm like it is I just pretended like I never said it, but I have to say it. I had a recovered memory on center. Of what?

We went to Hard Rock Cafe. Where? Niagara Falls. Oh, true. With Alyssa. Yes. And Alyssa and I got into a big fight. Oh, about Elvis or what?

About hamburger prices in the 1800s. That's a joke. What? That's a joke. No, it's not a joke what do you mean it hamburger prices when was the hamburger invented that's besides the point yeah no it's not it's very that's that is listen i had an argument where i said a certain dollar amount she said that's ridiculous it's this dollar amount we got into a big fight about it and then my we tried to

ask mom by the way this was her wedding trip yeah my mom was there to get me not at niagara fault but we were in yeah the state of new york for her wedding yeah and for some reason she let me bring my friend alissa and we're for some reason we're at the hard rock cafe and listen i are bickering about this like no it was more than that it was less than that um then what what was the argument i don't know why and how okay sorry continue i turned to mom and i said mom alissa says she said stop being such a bitch and alissa's face lit up and she won the argument because

what is going on a bitch and that just shut down the argument and then like 20 minutes later alice and i just got over it wow anyway um in case you're wondering i'm totally over it too yeah i can tell i did not know this was a thing. But the hamburger was invented in 1891. So there were those nine years. You were probably in the corner saying that over and over again, trying to insert yourself. But yeah, we were arguing about whether hamburgers were more expensive or less expensive than some number we arbitrarily probably picked. And mom told me I was being a bitch. Were you?

Again, besides the point. I think it's literally the point. And so that was it. That was that. Yeah. Anyway, that's why I said it's a recovered memory. Okay. And everyone listening said, I told you to please not acknowledge it.

And here we are. Here we are. All right. Oh, I have redemption. I'm not done. Oh, you're not. Okay.. And here we are. Here we are. All right. Oh, I have Redemption. I'm not done. Oh, you're not. Okay. I've got one more.

Good. This one also comes from Flo. This is my last one. This is a one-star review of the same, sorry, two-star review of that Manchester location. Okay. This is by Steve. Pube in my burger. And this time, I didn't ask for it.

End of review. People are so... Meanwhile, my mother's calling me a bitch somewhere in a Hard Rock Cafe, and this mofo gets to run around telling blue humor all over the place. Oh, boy. Dirty jokes. That is grotesque. Yes.

Yuck-o. And do you think that... I'm sure they make that joke everywhere they go. Oh, yeah. This time I didn't ask for it. I'm sure. I'm sure. Oh, boy.

That's gross. That felt like a redemption because it seemed silly. Yeah. A little bit uplifting in a way. Like, slightly. You were uplifted by this story of his by this hilarity yeah absolutely but i have a real redemption um so this is right an email from b and it's of the hard rock cafe in stockholm so four stars not quite five, which, whatever. And this is by Ragin Ronnie.

I've never been here, but I know that this is where the hard rock band Europe filmed their Rock the Night music video in November of 1986. If the HRC Stockholm staff could let me know which night that month that that happened, I'd be grateful. Oh, and Europe is Sweden's best ever hard rock group, too. Smiley face. And the smiley face is an equal sign with a parentheses oh arguably the scariest oh gosh that was a redemption until that moment until that moment but we have a very scary we have a response from owner hard rock cafe parentheses owner thank you raging for your sweet review. No one here really remembers what exact date Europe made their music video in 1986, but one of our servers that still work here was working that day and gave us the info that the cow in the video is called Henry,

and they also recorded Carrie here the same day. Be back soon. I love that someone... So, okay. Sorry. There's a lot happening. There's a lot going on on when I first heard that review the first review I thought that they recorded their video there but it wasn't a hard rock cafe at the time in my head I thought oh hard rock cafe was in this place and maybe they bought it because of that or something they moved moved into this cool music warehouse.

I don't know. So I thought, so then to find out that one of the servers was working there from then till this review. And this was 10 months ago, this review. So this person's been working there since at least 86. Over 30 years. Holy shit. So that's fun.

And also the cow is named? Henry. Henry. I love that. That's of course i love it the owner was like let me take the time to go really dig this out for you yeah um and they filmed oh they recorded carrie i thought they meant they filmed the stephen king special i was like that seems unlikely it seems terrifying also really scary but okay but i assume that's the name of a europe song yeah i think the only one i know is final countdown which i'm pretty sure is europe that's so fun sounds right all righty time for my challenge my

are you okay bud i wish i had that on video it's okay but you just fell oh gee i was embarrassed shake it off bud you're good you're good buddy boy poor thing cutie pie okay so my challenge was to find uh reviews where people said that they were in hell okay i'm pretty sure that's the one that's supposed to be i was if not i'd love to hear it yeah well we'll see how this goes um so my first one is of the place called nice and sleazy yeah in glasgow scotland okay how do you say glasgow there's no way that's right i Glasgow? Yep. Okay. No, Glasgow.

Glasgow. I was like, there's something here that I'm missing that I'm going to get tweets about. I know that because the live show that I do, I say Glasgow. And in parentheses, this is a behind the scenes sneak peek you only get on this show. I say, I wrote glass hyphen cow. Oh. So, Glasgow. Glasgow. Glasgow. Yeah. Henry. show i say i wrote glass hyphen cow oh so glass cow glass cow glass cow yeah henry glass henry oh no this is stupid okay anyway nice and sleazy um in glasgow scotland here's a one-star review uh by sarah i thought i was in hell my partner and i visited her recently on a saturday what her i don't know who the fuck her is oh my partner and i visited her recently on a saturday night omg i thought i was in hell we had just seen a band finish and thought there was another due to start it was like really

death heavy metal not a fan of heavy metal but that was something else after paying six pound each we ordered a drink drank quickly and left not a very big space my living room is bigger bar staff don't smile either will not be back end of review oh my so i like hearing and what's fun what was fun about this challenge was just hearing about the what different people describe hell to be like yeah people's own version of hell so in this person's mind hell is very loud heavy metal music and smaller than her living room heavy death metal and smaller than her living room. Heavy death metal. And smaller than her living room. Exactly. And no smiling. No smiling. No smiling.

But there is booze and it can't be that bad. Yeah. It's six pounds to get in as well. But then they at least have alcohol. To get into hell. Got it. Yeah. I'm going to take notes just mentally so I know what to expect.

Oh, yeah. When it all goes down. This was a research effort. This was. Yeah. To try to find what Oh, yeah. You know, when it all goes down. No, this was a research effort. This was, yeah. To try to find, you know, what hell actually is. Yeah. And apparently another place is downtown Fort Pierce, Fort Pierce, Florida. I knew it.

I knew hell. Yeah, I know. That's actually a place that was on my list of potential hell hotspots. You're joking, but Florida really is. No, I'm not. I assume most people, a lot of people's version um yes no offense i love you florida yeah sometimes here's a review by jenna of of downtown fort pierce this is a one-star review to visit or live in fort pierce is to suffer

live near the downtown section for six years and I felt like I was in hell the entire time. General population consists of the nastiest group of individuals in the entire state. Churches have the ability to run everything into the ground. Restaurants are terrible. Beaches suck. Most people who want cars have little or no insurance and many have no driver's license. I should know. Because I have no insurance.

What? A Miss Dorothea T almost killed me on Christmas Day 2016 when she ran a stop sign doing 50 miles per hour with a suspended license and her 18 month old child on the front seat without protection oh my god the overall attitude of every person who works in a service industry has a chip on their shoulder the police won't do a damn thing to assist you in an emergency lawnwood hospital is filthy doctors are close to worthless and all grocery stores have mostly rotting vegetables and fruit if you bought a home there i pray that you come to your senses and get the hell out of there before you can't end of review holy shit this place sounds terrible everyone caught a caught a stray here like this is just like i'm afraid of this place no right it doesn't sound like there's anything redeeming

even the beaches i mean yeah even the beach is true like what what else do you do down there get hit by cars this sounds terrible i know i it's for you i thought i was gonna be like oh come on but like no no i know i'd rather not participate in this a lot of their stuff i was like yeah i don't want to be there also But you could probably like copy and paste that review for many towns in the U.S. Most likely. Yeah. And also, did they, because clearly they had used to live, they used to live there. So at one point they just said.

For how long was it? Like six years? Six years. Yeah. They said, I have to get this off my chest. Yeah. And then Googled it and said, I'm going to leave it at review. Yeah, I guess so. Okay. Yeah. They said, I have to get this off my chest. Yeah. And then Googled it and said, I'm going to leave it. Yeah, I guess so.

Okay. Yeah. I hope that helped your healing. I hope so, too. Since you're still stuck in the Lakewood Hospital or whatever. Oh, man. Yeah. That's so sad.

Okay. And yeah, that's so sad. Okay, so my next one is of Royal Inn, a Royal Inn in Lumberton, North Carolina. This is by Lynn. And I only say that because their profile picture, it looks to be a picture of a lighthouse. And I looked up and i i'm think it might be the lind lighthouse which is in connecticut lind point um so anyway so it's just really fun it made me excited oh that i've stumbled upon someone with a lighthouse profile picture talking about hell talking about hell yeah super here is their review of what they think to be hell. Okay. One star. How could such a place be open?

This place is falling apart. Very, very dirty. Cockroaches everywhere. And the room was so dirty that it looked like I was in hell. This place is a lack of respect for the human being. It should be closed forever. Forever. If you care about your health, stay away from this hotel.

End of review. Whoa. A lack of respect for the human being. Yeah. As a species. That sounds like hell. That sounds like hell. And dirty.

Dirty. I love how they're like, oh, it's so dirty. I must be in hell right now. I don't think of hell as particularly dirty. I don't either. You know, I think of it pretty. I wouldn't say clean. No.

But that's just not the first word I come up with. I feel like fire. Is fire disinfecting? You put it on a needle before you pierce your ears. You put it on a needle. Sure. So at least it's disinfected, but I would have more associated it being covered in cockroaches with some version of hell than really the dirt. But, you know, both kind of don't sound great.

Exactly. But we're learning. We're learning what people see as hell. And apparently it's dirt. Yeah. My next is a review of an airline. This airline is KULA. It's K-U-l-u-l-a it's south african like budget airline kalua airlines that would be a five star one uh this is a two star review

uncomfortable flight the most uncomfortable flight I've ever experienced. Seats seem closer than usual. Also, screaming children made it seem as though I was in hell for the two hours. End of review. So this person thinks a lot of kids are going to hell and they're going to be screaming. Yikes. I didn't think about it that way. But yeah, I do imagine a lot of people imagine hell just being screaming children. I can see why that would be a hellish experience especially being trapped on an airplane yeah that you mistakenly thought would be serving kalua and is not serving kalua in fact exactly would probably suck yeah um but two hours i mean okay it's annoying no matter what but like i don't know i was surprised to read like two hours

of that. I agree. Hopefully they give earplugs. I guess it's a budget airline, so they might not. They probably don't. And probably not anymore. I don't know if any airlines do that anymore. I don't think Delta does.

I don't know. Maybe for the longer ones. Anyway, here is a review of a hotel in Marbella, Spain. Marbella, probably. M-A-b-e-l-l-a spain anything delete that no i have it on video too now um okay so here we go after pre-paying to stay for three nights we promptly left after one night and left our payment as well. This was the all-time worst hotel stay of my life. Aside from the very basic, almost military-style rooms, the hotel guests were horrific. If you want to stay in the animal

house of Europe, this is the place. At 4am, we heard the following one what appeared to be a door slamming contest two screaming and yelling from drunk hotel guests arguing fighting and carrying on three glass breaking from guests either throwing bottles at one another or throwing bottles and glasses at the wall as if the hallway noise was not enough the noise near the outside balconies picked up as well and at one point i thought we might be under attack but oh oh well first of all it sounds like you are because they're throwing bottles i'm not convinced you're not like like right like attack is i don't know a relative term but yeah like if they're throwing glass bottles brushing this off as like rowdy guests fun yeah i mean i'd be i i would have felt that way a while ago it's been a long time since Throwing glass bottles at it. Brushing this off as like rowdy guests. Just fun. Yeah. I mean, I'd be, I would have felt that way a while ago.

It's been a long time since I watched Animal House, but like this isn't quite what I recall. Just like glass shattering and throwing the walls, door slamming contests. I mean, it doesn't sound like fun times to me. Not really. I truly felt like I was in hell or hell was outside my room door. I truly felt like I was in hell, or hell was outside my room door. The next morning, I called the townhouse in the old village of Marbella and immediately changed hotels. Thankfully, our trip was saved. The townhouse was elegant, beautiful, and serene, exactly what we were looking for.

I repeat, if you are hoping to find the European cast of the Jersey Shore or a purely hellish tortured experience, stay at the pyre. I wish we could get our money back, but I would rather lose our payment than stay another night in that hellhole. End of review. Wow. So three times over, this place is hell. Yeah.

Wow. I mean... It sounds pretty hellish. It sounds hellish. Especially if you're not part of the fun. Not saying that I would want to be part of a door slamming contest. But if you are trying to sleep. I'd have a worse time if someone roped me into that.

Yeah, right. That's true. Because I'd be so bad at it. You'd be like, clunk, did I win? And they're like, you suck at this. Oh, I'm in hell. I must be in hell. It's high school all over again.

Man, those rowdy days. Oh, man. Thankfully hell. I must be in hell. It's high school all over again. Man, those rowdy days. Oh, man. Thankfully, they're behind me. I did like the Jersey Shore reference. Again, interesting view on what happens at the Jersey Shore and in animal house. True, true. But I guess the general rowdiness, I can understand why you would say that. And hey, they at least put it out there as something,

hey, if you actually enjoy this, I know they're being facetious, but hey, maybe someone reads this and thinks, you know, I do want a party hotel. How fun would that be? Yeah. Glass everywhere. Yeah, so maybe it's a positive for some people.

Maybe I'm under attack. Maybe I'm not. Oh, yeah. Some people like living on the edge. I love to be people like living on my toes so true tiptoeing through all the glass uh i love also that there was a counter experience of a serene and gentle place that i can only presume was more heaven-like yeah than the other one so i did come across some reviews that were of places like called blank heaven or heaven blank and then in the review they would say more like i was in hell until no they mostly positive they're like i was in hell until i came to heaven massage or something like that that's i know very dramatic wow okay. I've one more.

And I don't know what this is of. I don't know how I messed that one up. But it's a one-star review of a hotel. Okay. Maybe it's in hell. Oh my god, that must be it. You just actually found the one in hell. This is the hell one. Oh, okay.

It's my final one, so it must be. We had to stay here a week, and I was in hell the whole time. Yeah, duh, that's my final one so must be we had to stay here a week and i was in hell the whole time yeah duh that's why you booked it why would you book it if you didn't want to be there the rooms stink like tobacco and old dying rats they lie about internet and have some sort of hookup for dial-up like this is 1995 the carpets feel like they have never been cleaned we had ants in the bathroom the beds were uncomfortable and to top it off you can't really use the kitchen unless you decided to buy your own pots pans dishes and silverware this place is gross and we tried

staying away for most of the day to avoid sitting in such filth end of review yeah honestly maybe they did you a favor by not providing that's what i was thinking i'm like yeah it sucks but would you want to use a fork you found in that drawer i don't think so probably not yeah probably not wow it's like a hellish experience it does all of this sounds if you combine all this you put that hotel kitchen on the airplane oh with the children interesting interesting and the heavy metal music. Wow. You've got a recipe for hell. Yeah. Nightmare.

Yeah. So now we know what is involved in the creation of hell. And now I guess I pledge my fealty to God. Is that what you do? I don't know. Me? That's what I do? I don't think so. I don't want to go to that. You don't want to go to that? I don't know i don't i mean that's what i do i don't think so i don't want to go i don't want to go to that you don't want to go i don't want to go okay i wasn't sure until now yeah yeah all right should we give a theme and challenge i think it's probably time i think so uh so next week we already have our theme and challenge we're doing coffee shops in uh amsterdam um but for the week after you our theme will be rainforest cafes oh my god just continuing this like whatever we talk about in this episode my eyes just lit up yeah and then now you have an excuse to look up the uh video of what it's

like inside whoever posted i was gonna be like why is my video all of a sudden get like a thousand views in one day um that's me thinking a thousand of you are gonna be quote-unquote influenced enough to watch a walk through with like someone's family well actually i guess i'll just watch it a thousand times and then it'll get the views um awesome well your challenge sandy tell me comes from reena okay and this is accidentally the same person who sent the um the theme of halls of fame i don't even know i just kind of randomly open an email but so reena's challenge idea is to find or i tweaked a little bit find a review of a piece of media like a book or movie etc about a historical event where the reviewer is reviewing the event itself

like for example a movie about woodstock but my tweak is they're not reviewing the event but they're like i was there oh okay so whether it's um but also like for for example she put like bonus points if it's not a war or a battle because i was right my mind went first and i was like but also then i'm like well i guess my tweak won't work for that because you can't be like i was at gettysburg well maybe in a past life but i feel like it's not gonna be as easy i know what you mean yeah i don't know however you want to play it i like it you could play it as like i'm raiding gettysburg battle yeah we'll yeah we'll figure i got this i don't know okay so that's your challenge and then

the theme is one of my own brain that i'm assuming people have emailed in but i didn't check and i'm already embarrassed my palms are sweating these weak arms are having because okay so the the theme is Etsy. Okay. Reviews. Nice. What's the problem? Well, I kind of started an Etsy shop last week. You did?

No way. So my brain, I was like, oh my God, we have to do Etsy reviews. That'd be so funny. But then I was afraid people would somehow find my Etsy shop. So I felt like I had to say it. But now I'm embarrassed. What's your Etsy shop? Oh, no. find my etsy shop so i felt like i had to say it but now what's your etsy shop oh no it's called you etsy.com slash shop slash haunted tofu shop etsy.com slash haunted tofu i love tofu and i just made oh i made a few little files for a've already had a few sales. I sold three things on it.

Wow. I'm so amazed. I mean, they're $2 each, but I made- They're so cute. I made little SVG files for the Cricut machine. That's so cute. And since I was making them, I was like, oh, I'll put them up on the shop just if anyone wants to download them.

So anyway, I'm very embarrassed. I don't know why i didn't be embarrassed i sometimes uh like many of you probably understand get some pretty intense hyper fixations and i spent about 16 hours straight on these um for no reason other than this would be interesting yeah and now it's just there so anyway please don't write bad reviews of my stuff just to christian to the podcast. Cristiano. Oh, my God. That's so exciting.

Okay, no. Etsy's going to be fun. I'm really coming into my crafting mom thing, which is very embarrassing. One of them's even about wine. Oh, I see. They're great. They're so cute. Which one's your favorite?

I really like the dynamite one. You are dynamite with the little dino in the heart. That one's so cute. That one sold. And the other one that sold is Don't Pet my peeves yeah that's cute they're all cute thank you sandy not all who wander are lost but i sure am i don't know where i they're so good they're cute it was kind of a big blurry haze of uh chaotic energy when i created these that's me whenever i stream and i do that like multiple times a week. That must be interesting for your chemical levels in your brain.

Probably not good. So your challenge for that episode comes from Callie, she, her, whose challenge is to find reviews of flasks or hidden alcohol containers like the wine bra that you own, where the person is upset that their alcohol was caught. So where they were caught. And then what I think is kind of funny, Callie says, bonus if it was not actually alcohol. So if someone was like smuggling something that wasn't like. They took my sody pop. Or like, I guess go to a stadium and like put like water in a flask and hide it. Because they won't let you bring in a water bottle. So yeah. Wow. Okay. water in a flask and hide it um because they won't let you bring in a water bottle so yeah um wow okay i mean i guess i'll write my own of the time m caught me in my wine broth still

pretty fucking bitter about it actually not as bitter as m is but that's besides the point um okay fun you know one time my friend jordan got me uh tampon flasks got me tampon flasks. Wow. Pretty genius. That's smart. Each of them holds one shot and it looks like a tampon. So like most people aren't going to be like,

open up that tampon and let me see. I would. Yeah. You would see any tampon and be like, open it up. Open her up. That's why you've gotten fired from every security gig you've attempted to work.

One time I did drink Hennessy out of a sunscreen bottle at Coachella. um that's why you've gotten fired from every security gig you've attempted to work uh one time i did drink hennessy out of a sunscreen bottle at coachella yep yeah disgusting yeah not too proud of my i am proud of that you seem pretty proud i'm pretty proud i'm gonna deny that that one is one of those like once in a lifetime you're sitting there watching a show i forget who it was because i had too much Hennessy, but you want, you want to drink? Probably there's Hennessy in here.

And I was like, okay. And I just squirted my mouth. It was so gross. I didn't have any more. Yeah. That's what Coachella is all about. He doesn't meet new. I didn't know any of these people.

It's been a group of people. It was like, I, I met, it was like a friend of a stranger that i met oh okay it wasn't just like someone's like here put this in your mouth well i guess it was kind of yeah it was though question yes have you ever at a concert anything like when people are handing around like a joint have you ever smoked it no i've never done drugs like a music thing me either yeah and i had the option especially that trip like that was mostly like ecstasy and i was like no i'm okay that's what you thought until you squirted that mysterious liquid out of a sunscreen bottle into your mouth and they woke up like three days later and suddenly there

was all this country music i was at the stage coach and then you wrote a review being like i was there perfect for my challenge okay all right thanks everyone see you next time goodbye Bye.