Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 172: Reviews of Coffee Shops in Amsterdam

Episode Date: March 16, 2022

In this chaotic episode, we discover that corpses do not be Gucci... Tour Tickets: beachtoosandy.com/tour Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Xtine's Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/shop/hauntedtofu Check out our Instagram: instagram.com/beachtoosandy Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy! Get your toilet stickers here: https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connects ontario.ca please play responsibly important message we are coming at you live again well run for cover finally we had a show and it was in 2020 so we didn't have a show and now we have another show yes it's in cincinnati and it's in columbus so we have a show in cincinnati on wednesday june 8th at the liberty funny bone okay all right you got that and then the next day june 9th 2022 we have a show in columbus at the columbus funny bone and we are so excited so in the cincinnati show we're going to be reading uh reviews of cincinnati locations in the the Cincinnati show, we're going to be reading reviews of Cincinnati locations. In the Columbus show, we're going to do Columbus locations. So it's going to be a different show each time. So hey, if you live in like Dayton between the two,

come to both if you want. If you're a roadie and want to join us to get tickets, go to our website, beachgcandy.com and just hit, I don't know, tour live, something like that. Put something up there because it's not on there right now. It's not there. We'll put a link. It's fine. You'll find it. We do have VIP tickets available as well, which includes a meet and greet.

Ooh! So if you want to meet us, greet us, and I don't think... Take us out to eat us. Ew, okay. I will not be eaten by any of you in any way. I said take us out to eat. Oh, I thought you said take us out and eat us i was like no i'm not signing off on this that's not that wasn't in my contract that's in the writer

anyway we'll see you in june welcome to beach to sandy water to wet a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but Too Wet at gmail.com. That's not even our email address. This is the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. My name is Christina. I'm Zandy. Hi. this is the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion my name is christina i'm zandy hi hi today we're doing a cool assortment of reviews don't say cool reminds me of cool cruisers we're doing we're cool cruising our way through some reviews of coffee shops in amsterdam and when i say coffee shops i say coffee shops um yeah they sell weed

there they sell the gondja uh and i have a challenge i had the challenge and i i knew it also yeah you were you were challenged i was challenged more ways than one a half hour before we well xandy said i'm on my way. And I said, wait, did I have the challenge? And lo and behold, I did. And I completed it. I'm proud of you. Thank you. Must not have been much of a challenge then. I didn't think it could be done, but it was done. So anyway, do we have anything to say? Nope. Oh, I do. Oh, yes, you do. Okay, what? Thank you to everybody for coming to my Etsy shop. Yeah, I saw you had more sales.

That's exciting. How did you see that? I just checked. It says how many sales you've had. Oh, it does? Yeah. Oh, that's so nice. Yeah.

So many people, I mean, you know, I had like 20 sales. I'm so honored. And I realized a dumb, dumb thing, which is that I had it set so that each design only had one item. Like one. So you like, so it looked like you sold everything out. Yeah. Wouldn't it be hilarious if you did that to make it seem like there's demand?

And then it says at the top, like five sales. Everyone goes there like, wow, it's all sold out. Oh, she sold five things. That's basically. And it's like, it's digital stuff. It's digital. I don't even do anything. And I was very embarrassed because like I had sold like two or three before the episode even aired.

So some of them like. Oh, wow. Yeah. Didn't even have an option. So I was a little embarrassed. But I also found more designs that I had made before that I'm going to add to the shop. So it's haunted tofu. You can go find me.

And thank you, you everyone for showing up to Beach to Sandy Sundays. Now that you're talking about your thing. Sorry, I just remembered that. And we're gonna try to actually do the next one together. But not on Sunday. We'll try to do next week. Check social media. I'll post on social media. It'll be on Beach to Sandy Instagram stories in my discord, etc. We'll find a way to tell you when it's going to be, but we're going to try to do the next one together because it's a fun one. We're listening to episode five where it has the erotic reviews with Blaze. With Blaze. Oh, no.

I'm going to hopefully join for that one, so we'll do that. Yeah. Oh. What? Our TikTok went like semi-viral 65 000 views that's pretty good pretty good now we're pleased so thanks for everyone for hanging out there too yeah go to our tiktok so we gotta you gotta go to etsy.com slash shop slash haunted tofu we gotta we got things for you to do here's the thing twitch.tv slash xandy schieffer and tiktok.com slash at

beach to sandy and also you should buy tickets for our live shows while you're at it i mean at twitch.tv slash Zandy Schieffer and tiktok.com slash at beach2sandy. And also you should buy tickets for our live shows while you're at it. I mean, at this point, I hope you're having a lot of fun joining in capitalism with us because we're having a good time. Give us your money, time, attention.

Give us everything. We are the energy vampires. You didn't know you needed it. It must be exhausting being a fan of ours oh and um while we're here no there's more so em got me this cool coffin candle i'm gonna light it oh that is cool guess what happens when it burns down reveals a skeleton yes that's cool right oh i didn't why are you looking around like is it gonna do like is it gonna like burn out during this episode no we're not recording that long i hope not okay

but over time okay it will okay now that you told everybody about it we all expect to well is this why you angled your camera in a certain way? Yeah. Okay. Because earlier she set up her camera for our TikTok recording and was like, am I in the... There goes our mixer. That was not the candle, I promise. And she was like, am I in the frame enough? It's because she wanted to include the coffin candle. Why wouldn't I? Is this like for video evidence for your insurance if it like burns the house down well and the other thing is pick up our mixer now actually this is such a disaster also the reason i had to angle the camera is because squidward there is he's gonna catch on fire well you want that on video he's's nailed to the wall. No. Yes.

That's so weird. Because he's too floppy. So you nail, where's the nail? What part of his body? His head. You nailed through his head? Why? Because he's too floppy. The candle's burning the first time we got this is a very intense flame

like i don't know that's showing on video but like it looks like krampus and squittered are holding a seance you're gonna take your wine before they like poison it okay okay i'm ready to record now oh oh is it are we doing an episode all right well do we have to i don't know well i'll read a one-star review how's that sound good this is a bluebird um which is a place a coffee shop in amsterdam so weird say it again bluebird bluebird i don't know what do you mean you say like you're gonna say blueberry what is that from like that muffins video choco choco chip um bluebird bluebird wait what bluebird it's probably normal and everyone's gonna yell at me it's fine no one's gonna yell at you okay Bluebird? Wait, what? Bluebird? What are you? I don't know.

Are we saying it the same way? It's probably normal and everyone's going to yell at me. It's fine. No one's going to yell at you. Okay. This is written by Faith. One star. Don't go there.

Rude staff and don't leave you alone one minute with their rules. Don't smoke here. Don't sit on this table. Don't roll cigarette here. But they are a smoking coffee place. So annoying. While in other coffee shops was so relaxing. When I sat on the table.

And when I laid across all this. Don't lay on the floor. Them and their rules. So silly. I did see a lot that were so mad at the rules. And some of the rules seem pretty basic rules and also for any coffee shop of all yeah exactly not just a weed coffee shop well and I feel like maybe this is the opposite of what others might think but I feel like a weed

coffee shop you'd have to implement more rules absolutely you would because i mean while people okay people react very differently to marijuana not good on this side yeah i mean it's like and they also serve alcohol right and food so it's like they have everything these places so they're gonna have to have a lot of rules to make sure that things are going smoothly like does she go to starbucks and just sprawl take her caramel macchiato on top of the table and sit her butt on there? I don't... Well, yeah, because now with COVID, they block off a lot of the chairs. The chairs.

So now you have to sit on the table. You have to make your own chair. Yeah. Okay. I mean, I'm on her side again. Okay. I have a review, not of Bluebird, but of... Oh, actually, this was sent in by veef who is from

the netherlands oh so an expert hopefully we impress you with our pronunciations are you impressed they actually said that uh their name rhymed with sheefer perfect veef uh they then pronounce uh what else rhymes with sheefer reefer oh wait that's the whole point of our sheifer madness yeah right right i forgot for a moment okay yeah so clever though we are wow um all right so this is a review of bulldog which is i think a chain i have a yep yeah there's multiple locations bulldog cool and this is a one-star view by David but sorry I call it the bulldog palace pardon the bulldog palace which is its current name wait really yes oh I did not get that memo that's okay no I know you're just not you're just

not on the end like beef and I are the thing is you also call it bloober so i don't know that i really it's the way the dutch people the dutch pronounce it okay yeah okay yeah oh that candle smells nice it smells just like a candle it smells like skeletons smells like bones and wood burning bones jesus what kind of skeleton is made of wood you weirdo i said skeletons and burning wood i didn't say i didn't say a wooden skeleton. You know what it smells like? What? It's scary smelling. I don't smell it.

I think it smells like church. Because it just smells like an unscented candle. I know. I don't like that. Okay, here's a one-star review of Bulldog by David. Do not recommend this coffee shop at all. We sat inside and smoked weed, but one of our friends stoned and puked a little bit. We asked the waitress to clean it up, but she was so rude and asked us to leave the coffee shop.

Seriously? I love how they throw that in as if that makes it better. Oh yeah, we asked them to clean it. What? It goes back to my argument and your point of you'd think you need more rules because what you're at a Starbucks, again, is my like only frame of reference here. But like at a real coffee shop, if someone puked on the floor, you wouldn't be like, clean it up. Yeah. Maybe you would.

I think a lot of people would be. All the Starbucks employees are like i beg to differ my friends yeah i'm sure i'm sure they've dealt with things like that probably worse yeah and worse yeah but i i'm of the opinion though like bodily fluids i can't i don't know the fact that they're had the audacity to insist someone else clean it up. Like, that's so gross. And then be just so offended when they didn't. Yeah. I, no. Yeah. No, I don't like that.

They asked you to leave. Yeah. I think that was for the best. And it wasn't even that bad of a, you know, like a, it's not like they called the police. They just asked them to leave. They put me in the dungeon. You didn't ask me to leave when i puked uh when i got stoned i didn't even know i puked until the next day i did ask you to leave

but you didn't understand what i was saying you stopped speaking english no you left me alone okay here's the thing i left you for in human seconds 30 in my marijuana seconds i left you for a lifetime for eons as many eons you're so right and i came oh you were not i thought i was in purgatory literally literally no he it's not like a um like oh i thought i was in hell i was no he literally thought that he was in no 100 it was i i took months to recover i was messed up like i i had i thought about like death every day for like months because of that it it messed me up wait okay should we rewind a little bit quick okay i guess this of all episodes this is a time to tell the story because i don't think i've told it yet but yeah i it was my birthday and i had some edible in la legal all good also his death day

apparently it was it was oh god jesus now next time it happens i'm gonna think of that sorry it's not gonna happen not on my watch no i had some edible and i well this one happened on your watch because i remember i took some it was like a brownie or something and i remember standing there and i'm like immediately it was like i think i took too and i remember standing there and i'm like immediately it was like i think i took too much and looked at you and you were on the couch you're like it's your birthday it's okay and but like what are you gonna do you know what would i have done anyway so next time you better believe i'm gonna do something yeah yeah like freaking i don't know castor oil i don't know don't leave me alone basically yeah uh so that castor oil what the

you're gonna kill me excuse me doesn't that make you throw up what's castor oil what the you're gonna like kill me excuse me doesn't that make you throw up what's castor oil i don't know it's what they tell you to when you're pregnant that'll make you go into labor i don't know i was thinking of that like motor oil brand what's that called so i thought you were just saying like motor oil i'm like i'm not gonna drink motor oil you might in that state it probably tastes pretty good anyway then i went to go play starcraft uh with jp and steven and boy that was the most fun i've ever had playing starcraft it was too bad you didn't stream back then but oh god okay so anyway so i'll be quick about it then i go i'm like get really tired like then go pass out i pass out in bed and then i wake up and i can't

move um like physically i and i'm just like, my eyes are open. I'm staring at the ceiling and it's pitch black. And then I start being able to move my head a little bit. And I'm like, start repeating this movement of shaking my head. And then I'm like, oh, no, this is a loop. This is going to go on for eternity. My brain tells me that I'm in purgatory. It's always going to be this loop.

No matter what I do, I can't escape. And then I remember thinking, how did I die? How did I die? I don't remember anything. Alexander, are you serious? Yes. That's why I was messed up for so long. You literally thought you died.

100%. 100%. I was convinced I had died and gone to purgatory. I'm going to cry. Eventually. That's so upsetting. No, it was awful. It was the worst night of my life.

So upsetting. And so I eventually was able to like scream so i like went and i just screamed i'm like lying on my back in bed and i can't move but eventually i can scream um this is like some people's sleep paralysis yeah no i mean i i don't know what it was but like it because i was awake i mean clearly but like i wasn't i don't know i don't know i don't know how it was, but like it because I was awake. I mean, clearly. But like I wasn't. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know how it works.

So then I like was able to get up and there's a window behind my headboard. So I get up and I like open my window and I'm like breathing in fresh air thinking it'll like snap me out of it. It didn't. So then I like stumble over to your room and I'm like, Christina, I don't know what I probably said. Like, I think I died or like I feel like I was like I took too much, whatever. Cut to I'm watching catfish in my bed with a box of wine. Similar scene as to what's happening right now.

And I'm like, oh, hey, Sandy. And my enthusiasm was not met. It was not matched. Let's put it that way. Yeah, I thought this was like part of it. And in my mind, what was going to happen was I was going to go. Yeah, I thought it was part of it. And in my mind, what was going to happen was I was going to go in there. You thought this was still purgatory? Yes, and I thought it was part of a loop.

And that I do this, and my days would be this. Why? Whatever I did next would be part of my daily loop for eternity. Why is my existence in your purgatory? Because you happen to be there. Like whoever I was, whoever was sitting there would have been part of my purgatory because my brain thought it was purgatory. And then she looks up how to come down off of a high. And Willie Nelson.

Yeah. Willie Nelson. Willie Nelson suggested black pepper. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I was like, it's OK. Sit down on my bed. Blaze at the er well we'll call him if we need him he's at the emergency room yeah but for now just sit down i'm gonna google

it so i closed neve and catfish put them on a little pause and yet started googling how to help someone stop being high yeah and so you get a bowl of like cracked pepper. I sat downstairs and went, and cracked a bunch of pepper. And poor Blaise's brother or whoever was over was like, what are you doing? I was like, it's for cooking. Don't worry about it. And then she puts it like, like brings it up.

And at that point, like she left it. Like you said earlier, it felt like four eons. I was like, I went back. I fell, I like collapsed again in your bed. And I was just like, I thought I went right back into that thing of not being able to move. And then you came in. And I was like, here's the pepper. And I was like, oh my God.

And then like, I started smelling the pepper. And like, eventually I'm like, okay, I think I can go to bed. And you're like, are you sure? I didn't think so. Yes. And then I went to bed. And then. You were not well.

The next day she was like like you puked all over my bathroom and i have no memory oh while i was in the eons yeah apparently but i've and i to me though it's a total blank i yeah oh i forgot about that yeah and y'all it's funny to me now like don't worry i'm he doesn't look for what it's worth he doesn't look at me it's been a few years but no that was wild that was weirdest, worst night of my life. The fact that Willie Nelson was like, here, breathe in this pepper. I wonder if that made it worse or if that made you throw up. Oh, no, that happened.

Throwing up happened while I was... That helped, I think, because after that, I was able to breathe and then calm down and eventually go to sleep. Wow. The next morning was like, what the heck just happened? But then, yeah, I was not like, just sounds dramatic, but I was like not the same person for a while. No, I mean.

It messed with me. So yeah, be careful, everybody. Be careful, because even like non-hallucinogenic drugs, I guess, can screw you up. And very legal, too. It's not like you were doing something illegal. Yeah, be careful, because these coffee shop reviews, too. I mean, this is the reason that i've never had i've only had like three experiences with mary joanna all legal

as well because i may you know wow so upstanding reformed catholic and i'm scared of um authority but yeah i've never had a positive experience uh on weed so and i've never witnessed one on from you anyway well at least i've witnessed quite a bit wait wait remember my birthday before that my first ever smoke your joint gift yeah that was fun oh my god this is gonna turn into like pot stories which is like okay we have like two but like together. We're like Seth Rogen over here. No, the one time I was like, oh, Alexis and I thought it'd be very clever to get you a joint gift. That was a joint. Yes.

Yeah. Okay. I still have the box it came in that you gave me. The little red box. And we played our favorite game, which is, who came up with that? It might have been Blaze. I think it was Blaze. I think so. game which is who came up with who came up with that might have been blaze i think it was blaze i think so his name is blaze um he came up with a game or he at least knew of a game where you come up with a children's book is that yeah yeah you come up with a plot of a children's book while you're high while you're high now if you've never played this obviously i've only ever played it one time and i was very

minimally high but alexander's uh unsurprisingly pretty expectedly were about a depressed suicidal clown or it was like the plot of rigoletto yeah it literally was yeah as a children's story and i don't know why i came up why that was my idea and you know what blazes was was that the roof tile or is that alexis and then its friend laughed at it or something i was like blazes i thought it was hers was fantastic this was that he that it was about a man who had a white cat that sat on his lap and he pet it and it was an evil cat and i'm like that's you foretold the future oh i thought this was this is just the plot of austin powers oh actually it probably was the plot of austin powers um i think nobody probably remembers mine because i i don't even remember mine that's that was his that's what you remember okay yeah because he said oh it's uh you wrote it down right in a yeah no okay it says children's book ideas when i'm high a bird who flies around and decides where

to poo snakes on a plane though i think someone's thought of that pandemic oh my god no wait what does it say okay this is blazes maybe he's telling the future i'm telling you he's telling the future pandemic parentheses red because oh panda that's right that's right um and then apparently i gave up writing that the hell were you talking about a white cat earlier i was like i didn't know about that one you just made that one up just now a grenade who decides to wants to be friends with him instead of hurt them first it was going to be a landmine okay jesus what is wrong with us a roof shingle that falls off the roof and needs to get back. Still my favorite, I think.

That's a good one. Clown that... Oh, okay. The clown one is so chaotic because it's like six different lines of different sentences that you were clearly... Here we go. I was trying to notate what you were saying. Oh, no. Clown that...

Next line. The market for clowns because of all the murders. Oh, yeah. That's right. That was the time when all the clown murders were supposedly happening oh pogliacci doctor doctor i'm depressed the doctor's yeah i know and the doctor says go see the clown and he's like but but doctor i am poglia it's like the it's yes i basically just read the

intro to like watchmen but you were telling us this and we didn't know what pogliacci was so and you were like we were like you would go see the clown and then you were like but i'm pogliacci and we're like what the fuck are you talking about yeah it's like opera that like is the clown is the point yeah yes uh there's more the clown says i am illogically achi the plant the paint the point is clowns get depressed too teach us about the dangers of mental illness mine has a message alexis said oh what about a stop and frisk for clowns and then blaze said geo come sit on my lap like an evil cat and then i think this was mine oh no romeo and butley it christina what glad no wonder i like forgot this one nobody remembered romeo and butler

that's all it says and then so this is ridiculous dick grenade but dick is around why oh my gosh okay anyway that's all okay i love it where were we we should probably just you read a review i think it's my turn to read a bulldog reviewer yeah also that candle smells so bad it smells like a cursed church christina it smell you know what it like i'm not joking this is what popped in my head it reminds me of the time i went to latin convention in middle school national latin convention in indiana which is at indiana university and it was like sweltering it

was so so hot and every day we had to walk past this section of woods where there was like a dead possum so we had to smell the dead possum every day on our way this is what that smells like it smells like an actual dead yes it smells like death that's awesome it works it's literally recording our comedy podcast talking about these terrible stories while smelling a a candle that smells like a death what is happening you can't even blow it out please blow it out thank you it's not a trick is it okay it's a trick call just oh my god okay put. Oh, yes. Please mask it with a different candle. Cinnamon pumpkin muffin. And literally anything else would be better.

The classic, the seasonal March thing. Cinnamon pumpkin muffin. But doctor, doctor. Doctor, doctor, I am depressed. Go see the clown. Also, can you imagine if your therapist was like, go see the clown. But doctor,

I am Pagliacci. The doctor says, the great clown Pagliacci is in town. You should go see that for fun. And then Pagliacci says, but doctor, I am Pagliacci. It's an opera. And then Rorschach and Watchmen quotes it. It's also a children's book. Okay.

It will be. TMTM. Okay. Here's a review of the Bulldog Palace. A one-star review. Excellent. This is by Quentin. One star, yes. Okay. People smoke inside and outside as well. It smells

everywhere. My coat smelled like smoker's lungs after 40 years of hotboxing. The food was dreadful as well, given the prices. The bolognese had literally no meat. The cheese on top tasted like cardboard. Not even two leaves of basil could save this atrocity. Not even two? Not even two.

Two whole leaves, Christina. Yeah. That, talk about tragic. Yeah, but get this next part. They don't have spoons on the premises either. Oh no. They have a live DJ though. End of review.

Well, well, well. What a roller coaster. What a roller coaster. What a lot of pros and cons to be weighing. Basically all cons and then a dj yes which i would argue probably should go with the cons and definitely yes so yeah it's interesting this person's um priorities all the cons the dj and then on the pros you got two leaves of basil yes that that is a good pro i like basil clearly so does quentin everyone likes basil

yeah and also people smoking in one of these i feel like this person didn't know what they were getting into this this definitely feels like uh why would you go to something called a coffee shop and order spaghetti bolognese i'm icked out by that. Like, even if you didn't realize it was... Yeah, well, it's called the Bulldog Palace, so you expect to get palace-type service. And marijuana. Okay, I guess that's fair. The thing about bolognese sounds pretty gnarly to me.

I wouldn't order that. Uh-uh, that does not sound good. No. Okay, well, actually, I have one of the Bulldog here, too. And this was also sent in by Veef. Two stars by local guy named The Taster. And also a serial killer. Yes, right.

Walked in and took off my coat. Mrs. went to the loo. this was the first place we'd stopped in since arriving in amsterdam walked to the counter area looking for a menu and to order a waitress came over and said why do you look down you should be happy you're on holiday we should look down we're the ones mourning someone excuse me i bet they smell like that candle i bet they're writing a children's book about depression christina what that took a turn you should be happy you're on holiday we should look down we're the ones mourning someone cheer up that was weird as i wasn't at all sad

and such a strange thing to say to a customer when they walk in the place we just left and I'm inclined to agree. Yeah. I'm inclined to agree. That was strange. Can you imagine your partner goes to the bathroom and you're like let me take a comfortable seat and then they walk out you're like we're actually leaving we actually gotta go i don't know how to tell you this but we gotta go that was so weird super strange i wonder what happened that's sad also they probably had to pay for the

talk about gatekeeping a mood you know oh about gatekeeping a mood, you know? Oh, right. Gatekeeping a mood. Like, you're not allowed to be sad. That's my job. Okay. My next one is of, I don't know how to say this. Abraxas?

A-B-R-A-X-A-S. I saw that one. That sounds like something. Abraxas, whatever. I'm American. One star. This is by Lionel. Your shop sucks like dirty cola and expensive tap water.

Weird crow humpers. End of review. What? Okay. Is that something bad? I believe that I did my due diligence i searched for this everywhere i try i even looked at an article of is that why you were arrested last night i looked at an article of like dutch um uh stereotypes and anything with dutch and crows

and what is it i looked everywhere and also this person's other review is in dutch they've left two google reviews so i believe they are dutch as well which is why i was like okay like maybe this is just a like a an idiom or something that i felt but i couldn't when i googled it i couldn't find anything there was nothing i what is it a crow crow humper oh my god yeah it felt so specific it It feels really inappropriate and really offensive. That's why I did my due diligence. I promise I searched high and low to find out if this was offensive before I read it. Because I was like, it feels so wrong, but I need to share it if it's safe to share.

Honestly, that's like the podcaster's, i was gonna say podcasters mantra not every podcast not everyone very anxious sensitive podcast we are we probably overdo it a little bit but it's better to overdo it than underdo it and i'd say that's what we tell ourselves uh what is i got caught on crow humper what was the part before that because that was weird too your it was all one sentence dirty cola dirty cola expensive tap water weird crow humpers expensive tap water i get you don't want to pay for expense you don't want to ask for a glass of water and get charged yeah but why your shop sucks like dirty cola which in that in itself is a weirdness what if all along and expensive tap water weird crow humpers that was like what if all along that was like the really offensive part the dirty cola and you missed the mark you you yeah all along yeah i

don't know um it's if i got that review i'd tell you what i'd be upset you know i wouldn't i wouldn't know how to feel personally like if someone called me a crow humper i'd be like um is that bad i mean okay it is bad okay well it's clearly bad but like i don't know if it's like what on what scale like you can call me a lot of things and it's just gonna I don't really care if you're gonna say something weird like this I'm just gonna be like what instead of upset oh I'm gonna probably cry about it why what what does it even mean it's not nice it means something like even if it meant you have sex with crows that's's fucking weird to say. Yeah, and how could you- But it's not insult. It's stupid. How could you see me that way? That's such a-

Well, I think something's wrong with you if you're calling me that. You know what I mean? I mean, obviously something's wrong with you. So that's why it doesn't bother me. If you're insulting me and my great podcast, full stop. Yeah, true. So true. But-

To be clear, this isn't a review of our podcast not sure if you realize that i've really internalized this review very personal wow i i internalized that quick i don't know why or how but i did um and i'm so sorry and i'm gonna move on here's another review of uh the bulldog coffee shop this is a one-star review by martin who's who has the name and then has in parentheses martin's productions one star we came here based on google rate and expected to eat something good with a good service unfortunately we were not noticed by any staff at one table for more than five minutes so we changed to another table where again we were not served or the table was not cleaned after previous customer for another five minutes the majority of people were smoking joints and drinking therefore we quickly changed the restaurant to the

next one where we received great ribs within just a few minutes okay so first of all okay wow that actually i was about to comment on other things then I realized that they received ribs in a few minutes. Is this a McRib situation? It was called McDonald's. They went to McDonald's and got a McRib? What if that's actually what happened? But weirdly enough, everyone in the McDonald's was also smoking joints and drinking. True.

I don't know what to tell you. That's just how it goes. Yeah. So this would have been good for that challenge that you had of finding. Fuck. I meant to write that above it. I meant to write this is one that actually fits the challenge I had of people not realizing what the point of these coffee shops are. Yeah.

Which is not. To get ribs. Quick and fast ribs. Yeah. Or meaty bolognese. Yeah. It's to buy and smoke marijuana. Or eat.

Or eat marijuana. Wait, was it? They have edibles as well. Yeah, but was it? Ribs. Like marijuana-infused ribs. Yeah. I hope not.

And bolognese. Oh, no. That cheese tasted like cardboard. It wasn't. The basil leaves't the basil leaves not the basil what was that sound oh you clinked your it was my brain exploding yeah it's the baby it's like a pot leaf is gonna get you high if you eat it it's the bud uh the bud will so they put the buds on they just ate them dear Oh, dear God. And they liked it.

That was their favorite part of the meal. Well, wouldn't it be? No. It wouldn't be. Gosh. I'm so icked out again. Yeah. That three minute rib thing caught me because I was about to just say, wow, like complaining that you didn't get service within five minutes is kind of silly, I think.

I don't think that's that long of a time to leave a lunch. And then changing tables. But did you notice they sat at a table that was still dirty from the lunch? So, of course, people are just going to assume that's all your dishes. And then they got annoyed and went to a different one. Yeah, exactly. Like you can't sit at a table that hasn't been cleaned and expect anyone to know that you're new here yeah and you want ribs yeah yeah also like i don't know i think this has been a martin production i don't know exactly how it is in

the netherlands i've been there many times i think it's i've only okay most of the time has been spent close to the german border but in germany a lot of places you go um and you just sit down and then you get their attention and then you get service you don't like go up to a hostess stand and get seated and everything so like i don't know i imagine so many people are tourists who just don't understand that part of it the culture like the cafe culture in Europe. Hashtag cafe culture. And then that combined with the specifics of a cafe where you can smoke pot leads to trouble. Eat ribs. And eat ribs. All of it is bad to me.

It's quite the combo. I feel so, I don't even say that often, but I feel icked out today. And we've done a lot of food reviews. Yeah, this is a weird one. Something about it of food reviews yeah this is this is a weird one something about it is just like this is a weird one um also arguably one of our biggest tangent episodes so far which is kind of impressive considering how often we go on tangents actually slightly disturbing i'm i'm true true that as well i felt a little bit like i was no don't say it in purgatory oh

honestly also yes people are gonna be like were you high like oh I thought you were gonna say this is my purgatory this is dumb episode which like it's not wrong true and no I'm not yeah me neither honestly I just didn't get much sleep sleep wait a second same really maybe we should record this way do you have an infant too no i just sleep like one bad habits oh oh cool okay i have another review of a braxis two stars this is by uh claude he literally used that name last week i did not i think so i don't believe you okay what really i don't know there's a very specific reason i used it maybe i did so i don't oh maybe okay i've seen that name very recently somewhere oh there's an artist like a singer named claude who i enjoy yeah. There's an artist. I was like, are you about to fucking tell me about Claude Monet?

Seriously? Okay. Okay, no. Two stars. We asked how long the effect of the cakes were. We're told one hour. Ended up being an entire evening nightmare. End of review.

That's it? That's it. We don't. And two stars. Couldn't have been... It wasn't that bad. It was no purgatory. Yeah, exactly. That's why I included it was because I thought of my own nightmare and thought it would be fun to bring up someone else's nightmare.

I hate to say this. What if this is still purgatory? You're still on the loop. That would be kind of crazy. I, I, I, that doesn't get me.

Cause it's been too long. There's been too much. If you ever say that while I'm high. Yeah. I won't. Then I might spiral, but I know right now I'm, I'm just low on sleep and that's not going to make me spiral.

It's not going to work. Uh, you know, I'll try again next week, but you know, maybe I need to just start a new, like I already started an Etsy. Maybe I just need to start a new career path of kind of appropriating Willie Nelson's hacks and trying to fix whatever's happening.

With me? No. Oh. With people like who have a nightmare night. Yeah, yeah. You know, and I'm like, here's a bowl of pepper. Yeah. You can puke in my bathroom.

You just, all you got to do is give out those little pepper packets from cafeterias. What if I just started stealing those and then handing them out for, I guess we got to test it again next time you're high. Because I don't know that it actually worked. I mean, I don't either. I was going to say something positive about it, but I don't know if it actually worked. It didn't seem like it was the most compelling review. I think you might have given me a two-star review. I made it through the night, so hey.

I'll give it a four. I can't believe you opened. I thought where we were going, because I didn't remember how you found me. I thought you were going to say you opened the window and screamed to me outside. Oh, no. And I was outside and was like what the hell i just stumbled my way over to you which was very took me forever took me another six eons just so many years yeah geo was probably like hello

oh my god okay i i have a review of a place called 420 cafe oh and that's one word it's a one-star review by martha and the title is rude af okay this is one where i don't know if it's funny i just thought it was funny but it might not be funny i don't know it probably isn't probably not couldn't even get my leg in the door before I got told to skid dad all. Okay, this was so stupid. Couldn't get my... I like the slight change there of couldn't get my leg. It was, it's so specific.

Like if you say couldn't get my foot in the door. Can't you picture this? Yes, like a full extension of the leg. Like a cat in the hat in that movie that really upset me yeah a cat in the hat but the the one the one where it's not Jim Carrey

well that's a Grinch the animated one with the fish so couldn't even get my leg in the door before I got told to quote skid dad all. Meaning leave. Because I asked if there was any room to sit down. Disgusting.

Made me feel really small. End of review. Oh my gosh. So skid dad all is in quotes, but it's spelled three separate words. How is that spelled? That was curious. Skid. And then dad.

And then dad. And then all. Wow. And I was like skid daddole do you think do you think they said skidaddle and the person said oh are they saying skid like do they think that's dutch you know like are they like oh skidaddle that means leave maybe because they put it in quotations in three separate words like what on what plan is that how you think skedaddle is spelled like nobody thinks it's three words i mean you're wrong because clearly at least one person i'm entirely wrong um that one leg came in and they said skedaddle and she had to retreat retreat oh people are weird okay

i have another one of the bulldog palace this is a one-star review uh this is by rodney this was the worst burger i've ate in my whole life and i ate a lot of burgers so far the staff is very unfriendly in the restaurant if you want to have fun here go some stairs down but don't ever order food in this restaurant the bread was awful i think my nephew can make better burgers end of review and you know my nephew rodney's nephew yeesh it's the worst burger you could have paid me to eat a rodney's nephew. Yeesh. It's the worst burger. You couldn't pay me to eat a Rodney's nephew burger. It's like... I think my nephew could make a...

Who is your nephew? Unless your nephew is notorious for poor burger making, this isn't very world-renowned, or even within amsterdam so maybe we're just out of the loop here but i have a feeling like i'm like i assume their nephew is like a toddler or something and that's where it is but i'm picturing just like a 20 something year old nephew who works at wendy's and is like I'm not, I'm doing my job. Uncle Rodney, God, like, give me a break.

I Also, what is it with people buying beef at these places? This is the third one. And spoiler alert, I have a fourth. No, a fourth beef one. I'm telling you, I'm with you. This is the third one. I'm with you. And spoiler alert, I have a fourth. No, a fourth beef one. I'm telling you, I do.

I hate that. It's so gross. It's so gross. My nephew could make... If someone said that to me in real life, I'd be like, I think I really wouldn't know what to say. I'd be like, yeah, I'm not surprised that your nephew can make a better burger than me.

Like, I don't know. That doesn't... Wolfgang Puck? Is that your nephew? How the hell am I supposed to know who your nephew is make a better burger than me like i don't know that doesn't wolfgang puck is that your nephew how the hell am i supposed to know who your nephew is you weird man i don't know it seems so random and also it's like i ate a lot of burgers so far and it's like they're all from your nephew they're all his nephew's burgers well no wonder god that's so sad do you think he uses his nephew for every metric wait wait wait wait i've got yes i do but i think that there's maybe there's a twist here so what if his nephew is the chef there and all he's saying is like i think he can do better he's just trying to hype him up so it's not like I think even my nephew can.

It's like, I think my nephew can make better burgers. It's a little bit of tough love. Yeah, exactly. I think my very Dutch nephew can make a better burger. I mean, maybe. Maybe this one-star review will inspire him. Exactly. It's a nice prod and hopefully in the right direction

so rodney flew all the way to amsterdam to try his nephew's restaurant in your mind rodney is not a local why is his name rodney i guess he could be local he and his i made up the name rodney if you had said claude maybe i'd be feeling differently okay that's all i'm gonna say well yeah i don't even know what like vief vief what stereotypical dutch names are off the top of my head my brain is not working today although vief lives in belgium so that's not why did you even say vief then also you said vief is from the netherlands but from the netherlands but lives in belgium i don't know why i'm just like i thought you said from belgium so from the lives in belgium

lives in belgium from the netherlands to brussels that was another nightmare i'm just totally like triangulating them and i'm sorry but i did it anyway what's their address 420 palace or 420 cafe 420 palace well speaking of 420 palace I have a review of a different Bulldog location now. Okay. And this is a two-star review. Maybe I just found the Bulldog Palace. Like, maybe there is one that's a palace. I'm, like, wondering.

I mean, maybe. I don't know what I'm talking about. But, again, I was just on Yelp and stuff, so maybe I just didn't come across this newfangled name they have. This is a two-star review by Brittany. Sadly overrated. I'd heard about this place before even coming to Amsterdam. The outside is very colorful, and I love bulldogs. So that was a plus.

I don't know what you're expecting out of this. Do they have anything bulldog related no i don't think so i think it's literally just the name okay i mean i don't know a cat cafe but a bulldog cafe oh you know the outside is very colorful and i love bulldogs so that was a plus but the staff was very unfriendly and sent us on a wild goose chase to purchase the goods if you catch my drift anyways a few of us left because after numerous times being sent upstairs and then back downstairs and then back upstairs and then back downstairs again we decided to go elsewhere we found a great place down the street it's a pity too because this place looked like a cool spot to hang out end of review wow what a what a wild goose chase what a wild goose chase indeed uh after the one

time you make me walk up a flight of stairs that's it i'm not doing it again true up down up down up down no not happening snip snap snip snap that's not happening no i yeah so you're on the this was like your review basically no because she's going up and down like four times yeah i'm not going up and down four times britney did you're not going to bulldog i know it sounds like i will be but i probably won't be okay wow i do love bulldogs so that is a plus that's weird it's not weird like i don't know i feel this is the kind of person i feel like who says they love bulldogs under any chance that there's any sort of dog related context like like what i don't know i'm trying to think of a similar scenario because if you go to like the esquire Theater, it's a movie theater here.

Oh, Esquire Theater, I love lawyers. Oh, yeah. Like, Esquire. You're going to say... It's very different. I love lawyers. No, does that not make sense? Like, I'm trying to think of a good example but like okay maybe if a better example is going to chipotle and saying i love chipotle peppers like

that's just not a thing gotta have them like but after chipotle sent me upstairs over and over again it was actually like purgatory i feel like she's in purgatory going up and down and up and down and up and down and up down is that what you think it's like no bulldoggins up downstairs yeah well that's what your purgatory is pure hell and no bulldoggins say no i know um sorry that might be hard for people to hear but just saying okay um okay i have one more this is my last one i also have one more this is of the Smoke Palace. Oh, you have a lot of palaces. Christina, that's why...

Did you not search Amsterdam palaces to get these? No. Neither did I. I'm just kidding. That would be weird. It's like, wow, I'm learning so much. So, one star review by Gravy. What?

I don't know. It just popped in my head you're gonna okay finish your wine boxing unboxing okay you know what i think no people don't appreciate us and our humor enough they appreciate it more than they should this is how i view it. You're right. We get so much undue credit. Okay, here is a one-star review of Smoke Palace by Gravy. I have been buying my weed here lots of times for the last three years, till today. The fat Peter Griffin guy working there is the worst attending people.

I just asked to smell a couple of strains and he was laughing because i had to smell two strains he also called me paranoid it's a pity because the other two guys working there are always so nice and they always trying to help and give you the time you need but he was already in the rush since nine o'clock in the morning he probably just wanted to eat his big breakfast it's not the first time something like this happened with this guy i really hope the owner of this coffee shop reads this review and talks to him never ever smoke palace again i would not recommend spending your time and your money there end of review oh no no he's had problems is this one of the scenarios where you think the peter griffin guy is like i am the owner you know when you're like can i speak to your manager they're

like i am the manager yep that's too bad i gotta get to my businessman's breakfast i was gonna say it oh my god do i have i like that he says also i have to smell it he was unhappy that i had to smell it which makes me think he was like if i think to smell it yeah please also he kind of implies that um the problem wasn't with one strain the smelling one strain but two was like took it too far too far so he made it seem like oh i had to smell two strains and this guy gave me issues do you think he was trying to be like a vip like i come here all the time like let me see your wares probably i could totally see that yeah because i feel like why else would this guy be laughing at him i don't know i mean i don't really know how these places work even

though i've read so many reviews i don't i don't and I don't either. I still don't totally get it. If you and I went to one of these places, I would probably hide outside until you texted me and said, like, you can come in now. Yeah, we'd need, no, I think we'd need a guide to come with us or just a third person to go in for us. Veef? Veef, yeah. Can you show us around, please?

Can you fly in from Brussels? Yeah. Speaking of a guide the next review i have it's the last review i have a redemption too but the last review i have is of cultural ganja walking tour don't mind if i do so once a review by greg and the title is catastrophe with three exclamation points you're to say like three T's or something. Okay. With three wink faces.

No. The darkest spot in Amsterdam with the dirtiest coffee shop in town to start with. Approximately 20 participants at the beginning. After the first stop, there were still two. The guide was okay, but the tour was nothing more than a ripoff. At the end, there should be a snack. The snacks were the friends you made along the way, friend. Also the fact that he says, after the first stop, there were still two people, which means like you were one of them right

was it just you and the tour guide or was it also at the end right like yeah it's like i stuck it out i deserve a cookie i deserve a snack well just get ready oh the guide was okay but the tour was nothing more than a ripoff at the end end, there should be a snack. Instead, there was exactly one miniature meatball per person. What? You weren't kidding when you said you had another beef one. There's more beef in these coffee shops than you've ever heard of. One per person? And there's two people.

And the guy's like, thank God we only had two people make it to the end. He pulls him out of his pocket like, I thought we were going to have to cut these into eighths. There were 20 people at the start. Oh, my God. Do you have two meatballs for 20 people? I don't understand. Christina, I don't understand. And if they're pot meatballs.

Are they pot meatballs? Wait, did you just put that in or did you? I put it in. Okay, good. But why else would he give you one of these? Christina, I don't know. Listener, it's got to be a pot meatball. The thing is, this is gross.

It's weird. But the person said there should be snacks and you got a fucking snack. Like, I'm sorry. I'm not saying it's a good one. I would hate this. I think it's a terrible snack but i can't write a review saying there's no snack when i received or at least was offered a meatball at the end i think it's a weed meatball there's no way no i literally there's no way i really think it is christina i'm afraid to google i not going to Google weed meatball because I refuse. There's no way that's a thing.

I already did. No. It is absolutely a thing. Fuck. I know. That makes me really sad. I know. Me too.

That really upsets me. Talk about a bummer. Yeah. Okay. A lot of people. I'd rather go to purgatory again than eat a weed meatball. I'm not even kidding. I 100% would rather go to purgatory.

I can't get over it. Because people complained about snacks and they meant like edibles. Okay, I see. Because it's like a weed tour and they were like, I want a snack. But like, first of all, why do you call it snacks? Like you're three and second of all it's almost giving me a weed meatball a i don't eat any of it but if i have to eat any of it i'm eating like this much of it yeah so the fact that there's only one miniature one per person how much weed is in that miniature meatball maybe it's dosed correctly i

don't know yeah that's okay so that makes the single meatball actually weirdly a little better right the fact that it's if it is an edible then it's like you can't give people like three each bad but it's gross either way yeah but the other problem is if there were 20 people was he just gonna cut it into eights and that's the right dose and now he gave this guy an entire one? This was meant for 10 people. This meatball. Oh my God. We're giving it just to you. I'm so icked out again.

Anyway, I just read- I assume there were more meatballs, meatballs in waiting that were not used or the guide went home and just- It was just still in his pocket. At the end, there should be a snack. There was exactly, instead there was exactly one miniature meatball per person. i've never in my life felt the way that i felt when i read that

that's for when uh ikea gets into the edible game oh no oh no beyond got into that and were impossible foods like they did if they did i was like hey if there was a beyond i'm not gonna lie if there was a beyond meat no edible i would try it i made that last night i literally made you made a beyond meat edible last night i made spaghetti bolognese with beyond burger meat okay but it wasn't spaghetti it was rotini rotini interesting choice I don't want that to have. It had basil. Okay. It actually had dried basil on it.

Wow. So I feel like I'm getting closer and closer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To kind of a medicinal version of this. I don't think you are close at all to a single miniature edible meatball. I'm trying to be. I'm trying. It's not working.

Well, I have one redemption. Please. Thank Jesus. Okay. This is a five-star review of a place called Coffee Shop Club Media. And when I saw that name on Yelp with like five reviews, I was like, I must explore this. Coffee Shop Club Media? Yeah. That's the name of it. Okay. yelp with like five reviews i was like i must explore this coffee shop club media yeah that's

the name of it okay i'm glad you because i wrote it down and i was like i wonder if i will appreciate this name like i did i'm glad you did now this review for some unknown reason was in the not recommended section of yelp and i can't begin to imagine why this is a five-star review by jack it starts with a quote you're looking a little pink around the rims my wife 2018 best coffee shop in amsterdam end of review what do we know what that means you're looking a little pink around the rims. Oh, you're high? My wife. Capital M, capital W.

2018. It's like signed by her. Yeah, yeah. So the wife said that. My wife. My wife? 2018. Okay.

Best coffee shop and Yelp went. Nope. No. Nope, that is banned. This is Jack's one and only okay without context though i mean you hear a rant yeah think around the rim if if if if someone left a yelp review and like the yelp robots are like sorting through these and they see pink around the rim my wife said my wife called quoted but by my

wife um i i wouldn't just err on the side of caution and throw that in the not recommended i'm inclined to agree with you uh pink and rim should not be in the same line and i'm never gonna say it again okay i'm gonna stop now because i keep saying it and i'm gonna stop um so yeah that was my last one that was lovely that was that was a that was a trip oh that's fun okay i mean not fun enough to actually laugh but yeah yeah no that's get it my challenge was from jamie uh whom you referred to as they me by accident who actually wrote in and said they really appreciated that's why i said it again just now you did see that email see that okay you didn't read it no of course not i mean not read the email read the review i just could sense the energy yeah okay no i, okay. No, I did not. Because I saw that and it popped up on my phone. I thought, that's They Me, who I accidentally said They Me.

And you saw positive keywords. Yes, exactly. I do that too. Well, there is actually an answer. There's actually a lot of helpful information in this email from They Me. First off, they say, to answer the question of if i bought the snow fairy products that was from lush because i like amoxicillin i actually did love the children's amoxicillin as a kid okay so when i saw the complete oh wait should i tell you what the challenge is i know what it

is no it's the one where someone bought something because of a negative review so they they saw a negative review something in there they liked and then they left a positive review later most likely or they bought it explaining that they bought it because of a negative review right so basically they me's example was that they bought the snow fairy lush products because uh someone said it smelled like amoxicillin and my question was well did they like that were they just curious whatever and jamie says no i really like yeah which honestly that's my purgatory smelling amoxicillin no tasting it tasting it it's so what's it taste what is it it's like this like chalky oh it's so gross and it's like when you're fisher's island once i had to drink like i was so sick and oh that was when you were pink around the rim

i probably was because i was trying to drink that gross ass amoxicillin gross not recommended jamie also sent the basically the one review that comes up when you search this challenge on google and i was so you're saying jamie you're not that special finding this actually i found this too jamie actually said this is the one review that or like this is the first review that comes up so you probably already have it but just in case and i didn't have it because my dumb ass was searching like much more complicated terms so actually i owe you one jamie for literally just typing in the exact challenge and finding a review so i'm going to read that one first uh this is a verified purchase five star review by amy

i don't know it just rhymed with jamie is why i said it and the title is bought because of a bad review. But Amy uses she, her pronouns, so it's shamey. Oh. Or does Amy use he, him pronouns and goes by? Hamey. Hamey. Oh, that's it. Oxenary, you can't just give. Oh, my God.

Okay. It's really special to give a nickname to a listener, but when you start giving nicknames to random reviewers. Well, you made up the name though so it's not like i'm okay okay shamey says bought because of a bad review verified purchase and there's a photo i bought this for my oh wait i should probably tell you what it is it's a suitcase okay how exciting thank you i'm glad you gave me that detail let me actually find the name of it.

I was going to say, isn't this an Amazon product? Yes, it is. And it's not like 20 words? I'm sure it actually is. Oh my, I regret this already. It's not even a suitcase. At least you've already admitted that you did this 30 minutes before we recorded oh yeah did i yes i was trying to avoid it okay no you admitted to it so people are they're not understanding but they understand but this is one that jamie sent to me this isn't even like one i had to find oh true like there's no reason why i shouldn't have just clicked the link

and read the name well it's called constructive playthings Foldable Teacher's Cart with Two Lock-in-Place Wheels, Telescoping Handle, 13.5 inch by 11.5 inch by 11.75 inch deep tote area that folds for storage, holds up to 55 pounds. Wow. You were like... It's a suitcase. It's a suitcase. Here's a picture of it. You were like, it's a suitcase. Here's a picture of it.

It's like a, did you see that picture and think it was a suitcase? No, I saw it. It's got like the cell, the, the suitcase, like handle type thing.

Yes. And then, uh, but instead of a suitcase at the bottom, it's, uh, kind of a suitcase at the bottom it's uh kind of like a not a bucket like a a crate a crate plastic like a plastic crate with an open top so that you can drag around and then you can drag it around yeah yeah so this is uh shamey's review five stars i bought this for my toddler that loves to help bring in groceries and such when

we've done our shopping. It's perfect for them to use. I will say that I bought this because of a bad review from another teacher and I can see why teachers wouldn't find any real use from it. It's that small that you really can't fit much in it, but it works for my toddlers. And this is the photo I saw, which is why I thought it was a suitcase. Oh, that's fair okay that you don't see the top no you're right you're right that definitely looks like a suitcase like why are they suitcasing their groceries around okay makes a lot of sense uh wait yeah i don't know i was very confused uh picture definitely looks like one so that's confusing yes but um yeah i feel like the groceries should have tipped

you off they did and that's why i said hang on let me go okay but not until we were recording did it tip you off god it makes sense makes sense i'm so glad you understand sounds about right i mean i google half the stuff as we record so if i that's spoiler that's how we do things around here it's part of our charm right it's so charming uh this is of a perfume i'm pretty sure it's called pollution don't even i don't even know i don't have any explanation probably smells like that fucking candle that i still smell it smells so strongly it smells strongly of death, Christina. It is. So strong.

I cannot believe that we had to deal with that. Well, it says RIP. What do you expect? I don't know. I didn't know you can candle-ize death smell scent. You can do anything on Etsy nowadays. Oh, my lord. And it worked.

Like, yeah. anything on etsy nowadays oh my lord and it worked like yeah that's why i'm like saying it smells like death because i'm i feel like that was the point it's pretty gnarly oh it is so gnarly i can't wait for the little skeleton to come out i can please don't burn that while i'm here ever again remember when earlier i said it smells scary and i didn't know why yeah and i couldn't smell it yet and then like isn't that freaky that is freaky because it is scary i did say it smelled like a church no it smells like a dead animal maybe it smells like a roadkill ripped okay so um here is a review of this uh perfume seemingly called pollution i couldn't find it it's on one of these forums where everyone has jargon and I can't figure

out. It's like a perfume forum and it's very complicated. Not for Grantia? It's not for Grantica. It's a different one that I don't know the name of. But this is a review by Lil Stinker. Sometimes it's hard to find masculine scents I like.

I was hoping it would be sort of a replacement for certain commercial colognes that I've wanted to buy, but that alcohol smell in everything puts me off completely. I got a half decant of this to try in the mail today, and of course I immediately slathered it all over. It's exactly what I was hoping it would be. It's pretty masculine. Hooray!

It's musky. There is definitely that tinge of something a little darker. Right when I first put it on, the Davana got too floral, but it mellowed out and turned a little citrus. It's good. I've only had it on for a while, but I can still smell myself fairly well. I agree with whoever said it smells a lot like department store perfumes. That was the first thing that came to mind when I popped the cap, but that's actually what I was looking for. It has the same qualities, only without the nasty alcohol smell. Wink face. But it's called pollution. That's so gross.

Yeah. Anyway, I don't know. I was like, that's what they wanted. They wanted that department store pollution smell. Which I kind of agree. I kind of, no. Let me say that as a full sentence. I kind of agree that I like, I don't hate like, oh, this smells like a generic department store perfume.

Because I feel like I generally am like, oh, that smells nice. I feel like they're generic for a reason. Yeah, that's true. Because they appeal to a wider group of of people but that's probably why yeah like they're not gonna be spraying stuff that smells like that coffin in a department store because until now no no absolutely not is that what bitch too sandy is gonna smell like just hey folks you want to smell like death corpses be gucci Andy is going to smell like just death. Oh my God.

Hey folks, you want to smell like death? Corpses be Gucci. The throwback. Hey, Oxenher. I know. That was literally about the smell of a dead animal. It was. Yeah.

Wasn't it? Yeah. Yes. Corpses be Gucci. Holy shit. Our show comes full circle. For those confused, that's like episode, I don't know, like six, seven, eight, ten? Like 80 point rhombus like i don't

think it comes full circle i think there's 80 point rhombus there's a lot whoa i can't think that high a lot that happens before it's just sides plain old circle um here's a review uh you uh i'm not over that rhombus thing this is a review that i don't understand and it's of a book called fbml essentials facebook markup language fundamentals it's a four-star review by thrift thriftbooks.com user and the title is first book i've bought because of a negative review okay now i tell me if you understand but i cannot understand why they bought it okay like i cannot understand why they read the negative review and we're both gonna look silly and then people are gonna be like come on you know it means this don't you know about facebook markup language

fundamentals come on everybody i purchased this. Don't you know about Facebook markup language fundamentals? Come on, everybody. I purchased this book after reading a review calling this book totally obsolete. That reviewer has lost credibility with me. But I will admit there are portions in the book that restrict it to a period of time in the past. I feel authors should avoid referencing the future with expectation unless they are planning a revised edition to follow those dates. This may be what the one reviewer focused on while ignoring the real context of the book. There is also a major resource link referenced I found not working, but these types of things are beyond an author's control unless they are controlling that domain.

That's an Fbml joke i don't i think they're saying there was they in in the book they were like go to this website and they go to the website and the website's not available oh i know i just wanted to be like okay i was just trying to explain something so i see it seemed like i knew what was going on all fbml experts likeBML experts like you, Zandy. Exactly. Anyway, except for a few things that date the content of this book, I found it to be a solid addition to my reference library, and as I begin to develop Facebook applications, it will be

one of my resources to help me determine the best development route, FBML versus API. I do appreciate the author's interest in reviews of his book, and in truth, it was his statements, not solely the negative review, that encouraged me to purchase the book for a closer look. To quote Rodney Rumford, Jesse has given you the direct- Uncle Rodney? Who is this?

Hold on. To quote Rodney Rumford, my nephew's burgers are no good. my nephew's burgers are no good to quote rodney rumford jesse has given you the direction to properly use fmbl first of all isn't it fbml yes yes okay jesse has given you the direction to properly use fmbl with this great book use it often and it will save you hours of frustration i have to agree. End of review. Wow. But like, why did he buy it? I know.

That makes no sense. The guy, I bought it because of that review. He says multiple times, I bought it because of that review. And the review said it's obsolete. And he said it is a little bit obsolete. And I'm like, but why? I don't get it. Like, that is very clear.

He says three times that he bought it. So like, the challenge is completed. That is definitely part of the challenge, but it makes no sense to me. Why would you want it in an obsolete book about a programming language? Maybe they have an outdated version of Facebook. I have no idea. Oh, he's like, I have the FMBL version. I don't have FBML.

This is the last one, and it's my favorite. 229 people have found this review helpful. You're about to make it 230. I want to also say that the book I just read about was by Jesse Stay. I want to make sure he gets the credit for his apparently outdated book. To be fair, this review was written in 2010 oh god and the book was allegedly obsolete by then so i'm not sure how relevant it is but see for yourself i guess so this is a five-star review uh by dork face from amazon that's not very nice why would you

make up that name for them when it's a redemption I often don't make up a name because I'm like, they're putting positive energy into the world. Dorkface is good. Dorkface is putting so much. So this is a five-star review. It is by Dorkface. Proudly by Dorkface. Spreading positivity.

And it's of Mrs. Myers. Multi-surface cleaner concentrate used to clean floors tile counters geranium scent 32 ounce pack of two wow geranium scent i don't know what geranium smell like you're about to find out oh i'm so glad you asked you didn't ask no i didn't i actually don't want to know specifically. So I might plug my ears for this one if that's okay. That's fine. Okay. The title is, A Negative Review Made Me Buy It, and I Don't Regret It One Bit. Verified purchase.

Owning it. I love it. I know. I ordered this because of someone else's review. The woman was complaining about how after she used it, her house smelled like grandma house. I'm sorry, but the smell is incredible and lasts for a good while. It's not grandma smell, but rather like something you'd smell in summer. But one of those summers we all had when we were kids and we always reminiscent.

It's hard to explain. Yeah. Hmm. kids and we always reminiscent it's hard to explain yeah hmm like it smells like very personal nostalgia i guess okay it's hard to explain delicate sweet smell i'm also very sensitive to heavy smells they give me migraines. And this one was just right. And of course the price. Way better deal than getting it from Target or the likes. End of review. Wow. You know, I'm thinking now, they say I'm very sensitive to heavy smells.

But when I read this smelled up this one reviewer's house like grandma's house, I said. It did not seem happy. That's for me. Okay. Yeah yeah that's weird right right like she said i bought this because this one person said my house smelled like grandma's house after i used it doesn't sound like a light no scent not really no so geranium smells like that fucking coffin candle. That coffin candle smells like geranium. Oh, okay. Oh, no.

That coffin candle smells like grandma house. Yep. That's what I'm saying. It's like musty and gross and... Dead body. Dying. Sorry. It's terrible, that smell. I'm just... I will keep bringing it up because i still smell it

it's lingering i still smell i'm going to continue to smell like this the rest of my day i'm sure you know how when you're in a place with a smell and you get used to it really quickly yeah it's not why why doesn't it work here it It's not. It's not. It's like every time I breathe through my nose, I can, like, I feel it. Like, I feel death inside of me. And I know I've experienced that before. I don't know. Your head just keeps going back and forth, left to right alexander i don't know what to tell you you know what might happen the title of this review a negative review made me buy it and i

don't regret it one bit i feel like someone's gonna hear this and go that coffin candle sounds like it's for me yeah no we might have just gotten someone to buy that sold um yeah i also feel death in my sinuses as you do right really i just want to get out of this room so maybe i'm glad that was your last one i'm so glad too that was rough why does it smell so bad i thought this was gonna be such a fun little surprise in every i was excited for it too i mean i like i don't blame you for lighting it i would have i loved the idea the concept was interesting and but that smell god it's it's thick it's it's it's pungent it's very pungent um oh dear god God. Okay. But yeah, so thank you, everyone. Anyway.

Hope to see you at our live shows June 8th and 9th in Cincinnati and Columbus. And by the way, if you're like, well, come to my city. If these go well. That's the thing. We will. So if you live close by and you're like, well, you should be coming to Indianapolis. Maybe you should come to our shows should be coming to Indianapolis. Maybe you should come to our shows here in Ohio.

Indianapolis. Exactly. Chicago. Detroit. I could list all sorts of cities within four hours. And I'm going to stop yelling at you. But if you are even remotely able to come, we would love to see you because. We love you.

That's the end of the story. I guess we love you. But also we'd love to see you because um we love you that's an end of story no i guess we love you but also we'd love to also go to other cities and capitalism capitalism everybody no yeah um but seriously if if these go well then uh we will look elsewhere at different shows so come on out june 8th and 9th the liberty funny bone in the cincinnati area and then uh the columbus funny bone as well and liberty township is where i birthed my child oh my god you can get photos in front of the birthing center yeah um it's it was a hospital but yeah i guess you could get photos in front of it yeah uh it was in a kiddie pool didn't you say you okay i'm confused maybe i'm thinking of someone else um i brought the kiddie pool into the hospital i said step aside yeah that makes

sense yeah you're like i want a water birth we're doing it in the kiddie pool though they literally do that water births i know that no but like in a kiddie pool at that hospital oh at you bring you can bring this is not a joke you can bring your own b-y-o-k-p you know it's also weird i almost read a review of a kiddie pool so you almost did a water birth okay no yeah thank god not because wow that would have made things so much worse than they already were and they were pretty bad but uh the one of the reviews was a kiddie pool that said another review said this pool or yes no oh my god i'm so stupid it wasn't a kiddie pool it was a yoga mat oh okay that's very different but they said another reviewer said this yoga mat smelled just like a brand new kiddie pool oh but weirdly enough i love that smell so i bought this oh

that's funny so i anyway that's just when you said kiddie pool i was like enough i love that smell so i bought this yoga that's funny so i anyway that's just when you said kiddie pool i was like yeah i like that smell too actually that's the smell i know like plasticky me too like a beach ball yes me too and so i imagine if you're doing yoga and your face is really close to it and you don't like it it's not going to be enjoyable yeah yeah um or like you're giving birth on it i guess but yeah anyway irrelevant yeah come to our show but yeah if you want to come to our show we'll be there and there's vip tickets you can meet and greet us meet and greet and take us out to eat okay good you said it more clearly this time i enunciated the to eat you also can go to etsy.com slash shop slash haunted tofu.

Oh, thank you. Did you think I was going to plug my own Etsy shop? I didn't know what that was for a minute. And then Twitch.tv slash Zandy Schieffer. I might put those on YouTube too. Did I talk about that? Oh, yeah. I think that would be fun if we put your streams on YouTube.

Yeah. My re-listening streams on YouTube. That's really fun. So. Yeah. Someone suggested that. Sorry. I forget who you are. But thank you. Okayening streams that's really fun so yeah someone suggested that sorry i forget who you are but thank you okay so that's about it thanks all for getting through this with us i gotta pee i gotta get the smell on my freaking nose i'm gonna do anything it takes i don't know what that means i was really dramatic but that's how that's how this episode gave me a headache but i think it's a candle okay okay bye