Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 176: Reviews of American Girl Doll Locations

Episode Date: April 13, 2022

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Conditions apply. Important message, and this one's really important. We have new merch, and if you are wishing to go back to the days before you had heard of six different ways to spell the word pigeon well i have bad news for you and that is because we have a pig oin pin yay we also have a tumbler and a super cute tote bag and bonus a lot of our old merch is on sale for a sort of spring cleaning sale. So go to bit.ly slash beach to sandy merch and live out your pig boy dreams. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just

need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I am your co-host, Christina. I'm your host, Zandy. The main man in charge. Yeah, this is my show. I've invited this co-host along for this journey this is your show i'm just merely living in it yeah because as a masculine man i am so unfamiliar with this topic we are talking about american girl doll cafes yes and i found a lot of dads who had issue who took issue with the uh the entire

premise yes yeah i'll agree that's where my joke came in a lot of people were like almost um offended by oh deeply this place's existence deeply offended by its existence which is wild to me yeah i agree um and i i before we even get into the thing that you just put us into and then i'm gonna jump out real quick i wanted to point out if uh this i guess you can't see it because it's a podcast but i'm holding this beautiful mug and um i can see it today we opened a package that we had received from our pal, Janie, who made us the candles, the Beach to Sandy candles. Everett Candle Company. Everett Candle Company.

And so Janie also was like, surprise, I also do pottery and made us these beautiful Beach to Sandy mugs. And I'm drinking my latte out of it. That was a surprise. That was reading that note was quite something because it was Oh, hi, it's Janie who sent you all those candles. Surprise. I'm a potter. And we're like, what? No way. And those these mugs are amazing. They're beautiful. And I pulled up her Instagram. It's clay underscore witch underscore. Just some beautiful stuff. So thank you.

And has some amazing things for sale on Etsy. Clay Witch LLC, all one word. Thank you so much. Yeah, we're very honored. And appreciate you. I do get mail from people every now and then. And I don't always get a chance to thank people. So if you've sent something, just know it is safe and sound in my hands.

And I probably deeply appreciate it. And it's probably right near me right now in this room. What she said. Thank you for everything, everybody. We love you. Let's go back to the American Girl Doll Cafe. Let's do it. Speaking of things that I never received as presents, I always wanted one of these.

And I just asked my mom, why didn't I get one? Because, of course, she came over to watch the baby. And the first thing I said was, let's discuss my childhood and why it wasn't good enough why i wasn't good enough why i was never good enough and why i didn't get one of these dolls and she said answer that second one but okay yeah you want to no no not here let's not do that right here not now you and mom can talk about it later we have oh you did already good excellent uh she was like well i think it's creepy that they make dolls that look like you. And I was like, OK, and that's it. Anyway, this is a really roundabout way. I never got an American Girl doll growing up. And the good news is I'm completely over it. As as I am with most issues I discuss on this podcast about my life. So I'm over it. It's not a problem.

about my life so i'm over it it's not a problem um i don't think about kit and how i really wanted one or josefina i don't think about it a lot um so anyway i'm glad i took a back seat for this one so how are you doing i'm doing okay 115 a doll they expensive. And that's what I said. I was like, I don't blame you for not buying me one. They're expensive. Yeah. So. Can you go to the cafe without a doll? I assume so. Oh my God.

That would be terrible. Would it? Well, yeah, probably. If you couldn't get in. Oh, if you couldn't get in. I thought you said it would be terrible of me to go there without a doll. No, it would be terrible if they wouldn't let you in just because you don't have a doll that looks like you. What if you, oh my God god what if you bought a doll that you got at like

walmart and it was a different doll like oh here i'm here with my doll and the parents are like don't tell her it's not a real one that'd be funny well they i don't think uh american girl would give a crap because uh apparently their food's overpriced anyway. I've read all sorts of... I've learned a lot about their food. And lack thereof. Yeah. So do you want me to go first? Sure.

And do you know anything about these places? Or have anything... Because I learned a lot about these places. I feel like I didn't learn much at all. I read a lot about them. And I feel like I didn't learn much at all, quite frankly. But I do know that you take your doll into the American Girl Doll Cafe. They give them a little chair to sit on next to you and then they serve like a tea party yeah and you can have and they always serve little cinnamon rolls cinnamon buns and you can have

your birthday party there for 42 a person maybe i learned more than i thought i did yeah i think i internalized some of it you can also buy dolls there yeah oh right fixed yeah they do everything they have like a doll hospital yes you can even get their nails painted i mean it's yeah there are next level and there are how many are there only a few right only a few of these american girl doll cafes oh the cafes yeah i think only a few american girl place oh i think it. Oh. I think it's what, Chicago, New York, and I don't know. I think I have a few of the actual stores by accident. By accident. Yeah.

Okay. Well, let's see what you got. This is an email from Georgina, she, her. And this is a review by Greg. One star. So here's the thing. For my niece's seventh birthday, my mom had the brilliant idea of taking her granddaughter to American Girl Place to buy her a doll and eat lunch at the cafe. First off, the dolls are ridiculously ugly.

Jesus. Remember how you just said that these dolls are supposed to look like you he sees the doll and he's like why is it so ugly dad it looks just like me no i i mean they make dolls like historical like dolls from different decades do you know about this yes the funniest part is i had the books growing up i just didn't get the dolls get the scholastic book fair you have to check the option without the doll without the doll how sad is that i had to make the option it didn't exist i just was like i just can't get the doll as part of it yeah the dolls are ugly also that's a weird thing for an adult man to say yeah about children's dolls like i'm sorry it's just like what do you want them to be sexy yeah the attractiveness of these dolls is weird it's creepy it's very creepy first off the

dolls are ridiculously ugly and at a hundred dollars a piece the store is pretentious and overly elitist rich little girls were scrambling about the store bragging about who had the best doll worse were their mothers who seem to be a bunch of desperate housewives with nothing better to do on a Wednesday afternoon. The cafe has five distinct seating times, two lunch, one afternoon tea, and two dinner, each of which you need to make a reservation for a couple weeks ahead of time. Fifteen minutes prior to seating, the crowd of little girls and mothers in the lobby is unbearable. minutes prior to seating the crowd of little girls and mothers in the lobby is unbearable this person needs to see a therapist about some issue some unresolved so this feels gender-based

issues yes absolutely this also feels like someone who complains about traffic while being in the traffic part of the problem good point rich little girls as your daughter is there right hello yeah that argument board house moms or what housewives as you're there you're there too with hello yeah i don't get that um the argument doesn't stand no once in the cafe parties are seated with their dolls yes their dolls are given a place to sit and later given a plate and a cup as if they're going to eat. The fact that you'd be mad about that part is like, why?

Imagine at home, if your daughter says, can we have a tea party? And then sets a place setting for her doll and her dad says, what, you think your doll's gonna eat and drink are you kidding me look how ugly she is you think i'm gonna give her a piece of toast she doesn't need any more food i'm sorry i was channeling this terrible dad i promise dessert for the day

i mean really what is the logic. Here we go with further nonsense. Oh, good. This is a terrible start, by the way. Yeah, it's not getting... This is probably... But I feel... Oh, start to the episode, yeah. Start to the episode.

I feel that this might be the worst. I can't... I haven't... I never read anything this, like... Thank you, Georgina, for... This is gross....bringing this to my... This is, Georgina, for bringing this to mind. It's gross. This is gross.

And it gets worse. No way! Well, it gets at least... It doesn't get better. Let's put it that way. That I'm not surprised by. Yeah, no, no. I don't want to make any false promises here, but...

Despite being the only man in the cafe, I did not feel as if I was the most odd person there. Across from my family, there was a table of four women ranging from 25 to 45 years old. There were no children with these women and each of them had a doll sitting next to them. No joke. Adult women eating lunch with their dolls. Disturbing. The food was mediocre at best. Way too pricey for what you get.

Except the cinnamon crisps were pretty good i don't mean it got better only yeah you're right that's the only positive in this whole review not like my daughter had a wonderful time they gave her my daughter's doll a little teacup no no the cinnamon crisps he could not find fault with which is by the way the thing everyone else seemed to complain about so whatever strange the quiche was bland the pasta was plain they do serve wine and champagne for adults but it is way too pricey for my niece the table was set with name placard wishing her a happy birthday and i do have to say that the staff did treat her as if she was a princess overall don't waste your money though i don't understand the fascination with american girl dolls there's a whole hoity-toity upper class charade happening there if you're looking for a fun dining experience for kids i suggest the

rainforest cafe or something along those lines end of review not that you had any leg to stand on but at the end when you're saying that you should go to rainforest cafe instead when your alternate suggestion lost even more he's just bitter that his kid wanted to go here instead of rainforest he's like no no they have just bitter right okay end of story yeah but i wonder what class charade what are you talking about like and the next sentence the quiche is bland the quiche was bland alexander that's a really good point the quiche was bland um but what are this person's interests because okay so making fun of those, the four women with their dolls sitting there, which sounds like a blast to me. Yes.

Which is a cruel and unnecessary thing to mock someone for. Yeah. You're also in their space. Also that. You know, that's something. So I wonder how he would feel if someone came and watched him enjoying something that he enjoys. Could you imagine? While he hit the hurricane button.

He cheers when the thunder rumbles. I heard he's a member of Landry's. People make fun of him. A grown man was at the Rainforest Cafe. That would be rude. That would be rude. And he'd probably be very upset by that. Weird, because there's a lot of probably grown men at the Rainforest Cafe.

True, true. But I agree. And, you know, I forget who it was. Somebody emailed me. Weird, because there's a lot of probably grown men at the Rainforest Cafe. True, true. But I agree. And, you know, I forget who it was. Somebody emailed me. I'll find it in a minute. But somebody emailed me like, oh, I found this forum where people talk about, for adults, for adults who are interested in American Girl Doll. I got really into reading them.

And I was like, why? It's a harmless hobby to have. I mean you know a lot of they're at least worse hobbies oh for sure i mean i don't know a lot of people collected these as kids a lot of people some people didn't get one and maybe are trying to fill a void that was left but i don't know who that might be somebody maybe though it's possible but yeah it was kind of fun to read people talk about like the different ones and collect. It's like a collection. Yeah.

Whatever. Anyway, so I know that there are adults who have them. And I just feel like that's after you just complained that all of the people there are desperate housewives. And then all of a sudden you're mad because the other people there are too weird. It's like you can't have it both ways. Like, either everyone there is an upper-class, rich, desperate housewife. Or a loser.

Or a weird loser. Right, exactly. So, anyway. Yeah. That's all. And this person is just a bitter loser, it seems. Sad. That was really upsetting.

I just feel sad for the child who wanted to go with her grandma. 100%. And dad had to ruin the experience. It's been exhausting to deal with that. Yeah. Overly elitist. Well, good job, grandma. Good job, daughter.

That was a very solid review, I will say. But it was a lot. Sorry. I'm finishing my latte. I saw that. I unfortunately had to watch the problem is that i have um a compulsion to light the candle and i know don't you use your compulsions i know i'm not allowed no you're not allowed and you're not allowed to use your compulsions for that i'm not allowed to imagine if i was like okay i don't have a good example right now i'll

come up with a compulsion okay yeah i was diagnosed with ocd as well so that's why i figured that my work on you nope you're not you're not touching that fucking candle this is this is this is your therapy this is aversion therapy out dinner this is aversion therapy i'm gonna light the candle and make you smell it for the next two hours okay no we're not doing it um here's a review of the chicago location this is one star uh this is by lelaine lelaina lelaina isn't that a song no what's that song isn't it by donovan there's no song lelaina song oh it's by deep purple oh and donovan had a version lelania so here's the review by lelania one star this place crushed my daughter oh you never needed appointments to get your doll's hair done

then they changed it. How was I to know? Mad that I will still have to give my money to this place to keep my daughter happy. Buy yourself an Our Generation doll from Target. There's your other brand, everybody. You can't afford. But maybe I'm glad mom didn't buy me one of these. It sounds like these parents are really bitter that they did this for their children.

I have. Yeah. Most of these people hated that they, and I love the use of the word they had to. I know. That's the thing is like, well, maybe they didn't have an iron will like Renata, but like you don't have to buy your child this doll. You don't, you certainly don't have to. I can tell you from experience. Yeah.

Wow. I will say I like that they blame. The doll company? The doll company for making her buy a doll. It's just so, I don't know. It's really backwards. Just don't buy one. Don't pay money.

I don't know. Like you found the one at Target. Yeah, exactly. Why don't you buy i don't know like you found the one at target yeah exactly why don't you buy that one then yeah which i'm looking at their website now the our generation one so i'm assuming that is the knockoff because the whole point is that different generations of these american girl dolls from different decades yep oh yeah these are definitely oh these are cute though how much do they cost why are they not showing me how much a deluxe Lorelei costs? $35.

Okay. It comes with a book, too. Alexander. What? Tell me about your favorite, your new doll. She's a bowler. Her name is Belle and her name is Bowling Belle. And she has a trophy and a bowling ball and bowling shoes and a little scorecard that's pretty

cool win the trophy for retro style with this bowling outfit for 18 inch dolls imagine being that one little girl who loves bowling i mean you know i don't have to imagine you are that i am that little girl you did do competitive bowling in high school competitive is a strong world 171 i was very proud of that i'm very impressed your turn aren't you too busy i'm actually really i'm actually really busy now uh i think these look like a lot of fun i'm gonna be honest with you i appreciate your honesty i just feel like there's less pressure on these our generation dolls compared to the american girl dolls because you're spending a hundred dollars less yeah yes a literal hundred

dollars and there's less of like the there's a lot of baggage i feel like that goes with these dolls i mean it's just for me because all my friends had them and i didn't and i'm i don't care anymore i'm over it but i feel like these are a fresh start I can get a bowling doll and nobody's gonna be like oh I had that one but better man this therapy episode is for quite something okay I'm gonna go to the next one this is an email from Tara she her and it's a review of the American Girl store in Dallas. So this is, I think, the store. Cheater. Sorry.

Oh, no. This is a cafe. They have it? I think. Oh, they have a bistro. Okay, okay, okay. Does that count? I'll give it to you.

Yeah. Look, these girls are at the bistro. Cute. Wait, which one's the real one? Oh, my God. I can't tell. Wait, actually, I couldn't tell. You're being an idiot.

Oh. You thought one of the children was a doll. That one is bigger. I thought it was, I only saw the two big ones. And I was like, damn. One's like a really big doll. I did not see the smaller dolls. My eyes are not very good. That's fun.

Okay, sorry. I just opened the American Girl Doll website. And it says, do I for grown-ups or girls i hit grown-ups two options i know i hit grown-ups earlier because i was trying to show mom the different dolls i'm for the record everyone i'm also gonna select grown-up don't worry create your own design the doll she's always imagined from two million options two million i'm gonna make myself a doll that's like 1,999,999 too many options would you say my skin is light to medium or it's not olive it's pale it's light do you think i have warm or neutral undertones can we record this later

there's so much happening can you just read your fucking review i'm gonna make myself a doll and post the picture on instagram and see if people think it looks like me okay do yeah good idea great do it later this is a one-star review of the american girl bistro in dallas one star by mark please kill me jesus so bad is that it no there's more oh no yelp requires more characters oh this is yelp okay please kill me it amazes me that these people have the initiative to breath on their own. I hope and pray that one day, someday soon, big pharma will come up with common sense in pill form.

These people forget that it is the dads that usually pick up the tab after 30. I think they remember. And that's why you're there. Yeah, exactly. Like, what are you talking about? Why do you, okay.

And you paying is the only reason that they allow you to complain so much. Probably, yeah. Yeah. After 35 minutes of sitting at the counter, no one even had the common decency of saying hi, much less ask to take an order. Of course, I heard all conversations held by the staff, which at one point was six behind the counter and one customer, me. Wait, one customer? Are you alone? Why are you complaining about it then? Okay. On the way out, I approached the gal with the glasses that

I assume is responsible for seating assignments. Long story short, our conversations ended like this. Told her about Yelp? Answer, okay, whatever. A server standing next to her asked her, what did he say? She said, oh, nothing. Well, here goes nothing. Come for the dolls and the fashion, avoid the bistro.

For the dads, try the bar at the Grand Lux Cafe. Avoid people acting like they are doing you a favor. End of review. What? I hate this. I hate this so much. Was this per... Why are you there?

Okay. I don't know. I don't know. Did he go there to go to the bar? Like, he's acting like... I know. He does not... But he says dads pick up the tab,

so I'm assuming he's identifying as a dad. Anyway, I don't know. But he says dads pick up the tab, so I'm assuming he's identifying as a dad. Anyway, I don't know. Also, the Yelp comment. How embarrassed would you be if your dad was like, I'm going to write this on Yelp. By the way, I have 12 friends on Yelp. I'm looking at Mark's profile. Oh, my God. And I'm going to write this on Yelp, as if the server gives two dams about that, you know?

Well, now those 12 people that were totally going to go to the American girl doll cafe bistro in Dallas are now not going to go. And the server is going to be like, thank God. I didn't feel like serving 12 random dads from Yelp today. And the cycle of life continues. Yeah, exactly.

That's, that's how it goes. Here's another one star of the Chicago location. Uh, this is by Maddiedie i've had better customer service appreciation and assistance in dollar tree for a company that expresses its value is to celebrate girls and their diversity this store's employees especially failed not one employee was expressly helpful or pleasant. Every question was answered

abruptly or disregarded. Ironically, the most thorough interaction with an employee was regarding the new rewards program. After spending a significant amount of money, my family had to do all the work to give our American Girl a positive, memorable experience perhaps these american girl place employees could attend a dollar tree employee training end of review like either this person just loves dollar tree or just hates dollar tree i i can't totally tell honestly maybe they should go to an r generation training you know what i mean i feel like this is a good crossover yeah or maybe there's a dollar tree equivalent i feel like the our generation is kind of like the in between if it's like the target brand it's like in between the elitist one and the dollar tree one

maybe there's an our generation customer service doll that has a book that teaches customer service training an hr dvd yep okay now we're talking um yeah again i'm struck by how wildly bitter people are about doing this kind thing for their children like i don't know it's like they're venting their frustrations online i mean i'm glad that they're doing it online, I guess. True. And not, hopefully not at their children. But I just feel like this would ruin my experience if my parents were so miserable taking me somewhere. It would make me feel really bad and sad.

And they say that their daughter had a positive, memorable experience. Yes, that's the thing. But claiming that it was all their work doing but clearly it was also the location yeah the one the type of reviews that i did not find much fault with were the ones that uh where where reviewers said you know my they treated my child badly or they wouldn't uh you know let us in even though we were there before like things that were understandable your child had their experience ruined I get that or they forgot the cake on my daughter's

birthday that kind of thing I get that but saying your daughter had an amazing time they treated her like a princess she had a wonderful time she's so happy and I'm pissed off it's like what can't you just find solace if you are gonna just find fault

in these employees and everything they do apparently i mean i don't know anyway i'm just getting feeling better and better that mom didn't but see this is what she wanted all along she's like one day you'll understand all right then we got an email from aaron she slash her slash sender of minor league baseball scooch me toasty review which is probably the highlight of my existence wow yeah that was a great one that was a good one that's a classic so aaron had molly and kit as a youngster and loved them and went to american girl place in chicago and she says when i was approximately the most awkward age one can possibly be and says it's such a fun memory and was a perfect farewell to being a little kid which is so cute um we had a few people write in with uh photos of

themselves oh i have one of those you do oh my gosh yeah a few people sent in photos and it was just so 90s and so wonderful i was very pleased and people wrote in like with which dolls they had and stuff it was very cute okay this is a one-star review of the chicago location as well and this is by rita actually a zero star rating is more suitable but don't have the option for that i am sure nothing will come from this we took our three-year daughter to your store in chicago and had a horrible first experience and will not go back upon us walking in not one employee greeted us or asked if we needed help finding anything as our three-year-old walked around i watched who the employees went up to the families who looked like they had money and the ones carrying your products already here we are with my daughter

in her cowgirl boots okay so now they're gonna say why they are being why they weren't worthy of the employee's attention right this is like a um tell me what's the movie pretty woman pretty woman experience for this three-year-old apparently yeah wow yikes okay rewind this this episode is bringing a lot out of you. So far, not much good. I'm detoxing. Here we are with my daughter in her cowgirl boots, skirt, and shirt. Me in my shorts and shirt. And my husband is shorts and a polo shirt.

And I'm thinking to myself, wow, guess they judge people here big time. Meanwhile, an associate is too concerned about something that as she walks away from another employee she bumps into my daughter and i grab her arm to keep her from falling the lady says nothing and acknowledges no one my three-year-old looks at her and says excuse you lady walks away if a three-year-old ever looked at me and said excuse you i'd cry i'd burst into tears i think i would cry especially one in cow girl boots oh my god i'm intimidated flashbacks flashbacks indeed really you hire people with no manners nor people skills upon checkout we are told our total of 189 and change my husband gives heaven 200 in gift cards after her swiping all of the cards, we are told our balance is 3081.

My husband just politely asked what the beginning balance was since he gave her 200 in gift cards. I handed her the cards back and she rudely stopped the cards again and handed them back. I asked her which one had a balance and she said none. Really? 3081 minus 50 is 25 19 i asked again and now heaven became satan she ripped the receipt off and snapped the last four of the cash card at me i repeated it to her and she walked away she just grabbed our stuff and shoved the boxes at us and walked away end of review was that math correct as if i'm supposed to know 30 i was like what are these numbers 31 30 81 minus 50 is 25 no it's not first of all what's going on what

that's what 1919 you're totally right minus so it's negative 1919 19.19 what is happening okay also how many gift cards i love it's like gave all the gift cards why does she have so many gift cards i wonder and they wouldn't say the number maybe because they realized how ridiculous it was to probably handle over so many true she said 200 gift cards, but after swiping all of the cards. All of the cards. Where are you getting these from? That doesn't mean two. That means at least three, I assume.

At least three. But since she swiped all of them multiple times and asked which one. Yeah, you're right. This is a lot of gift cards. I know. You're right. There's a lot. There is a lot of gift cards i know you're right there's a lot there's a lot wow so your turn that was something okay my next one is of the american girl plays chicago but before i read it i would like to shout out emma well i assume it's the

same emma as before because emma sent a okay maybe it's not but it's an emma well emma suggested this topic so it's possible then that would make sense because we'd like to shout out all emmas all emmas get a shout out um but yeah so emma here she her sent this email and included some of the reviews that i already had so i'm sorry i didn't read your email so he doesn't want to give you full credit no but i do want to read about your experience. Oh. Because at the end of your email, you say, do what you will. So I will do this.

This sounds like Emma. That seems like a... Permission. It does. Here's the American Girl experience, according to Emma, because she said her family spent probably over $1,000 on dolls and merchandise which for some parents in these reviews is small because they're like you need thousand they claim you need thousands of dollars to like actually i guess but i can't fathom but yeah i guess that's true i've

read so many reviews where someone's like i don't have thousands of dollars to spend on american girl you're right the doll is 130 bucks. Yeah. Okay. So I'll go through what Emma went through in a good way, because apparently American Girl was her personality for the entire duration of elementary school. Emma, I was so intimidated by you when I was a child. That was not my comment, by the way.

What? Me saying, apparently it was her personality. Oh, no, I'm aware. That would have been a weird thing for you to pin on her childhood persona. But yeah, Emma, I looked up to you and I just know you were just so cool. So 13 years ago, ripe age of 10, Emma had four American mind i was older than you four american girl dolls okay holy shit with duct tape bunk beds that she had made in cardboard boxes cool and for her elementary school best friend turning 10 years old her golden birthday her parents take us to chicago for a weekend at

the american girl doll place. Whoa. A weekend. So they check into the hotel. She's not sure which one, but she said many hotels in Chicago near the American Girl doll place do American Girl packages for guests. You're kidding me. So they're not necessarily American Girl hotels, but they have a partnership for these experiences.

They get little cots? Just wait. Yeah, here we go. So what happens is you register the girls and the names of the dolls before coming to the hotel. We received flip-up travel beds,

pillow, robe, slippers, and an embroidered blanket with the doll's name on it for our two registered dolls. And there was other fancy stuff for us like slippers and snacks as well. And she said, the American Girl place

was everything i wanted and more it's a huge store full of doll crap and pink and purple from head to toe we did visit the cafe though it wasn't too memorable uh to me at 10 we brought our dolls who we had brought on the trip as well as our new dolls uh we each had purchased there to dine with us they sat in little high chairs that clipped to the table. Wait, sorry. Did she bring all four dolls to this hotel? Did they all four get matching robes? I think that they brought one each.

And then got a new one. And then got a second each there. Can you imagine being like, can we have eight chairs for our dolls? Can we rent out the entire cafe? Just for dolls, not for a birthday party. We just want to stand outside and watch oh my god um so apparently so and it showed in the photos there are no place settings for the dolls uh which she said she knows was a point of contention in some of the reviews

so they didn't get place settings either for their dolls but yeah so she said this is one location from 13 years ago so she's not sure how representative it is uh of the franchise now wow there are pictures and x-center you need to send them to me right now it's a time x-center it's pretty cute it's pretty cute okay'm tagging. I'm putting. I just put one, an email in there for you as well. Because Andy using somebody else's photos. Oh my gosh. Let me see the photos. That's so cute. In a scrapbook.

That's so cute. I know. And that's the thing. I know we're just kind of harping on it. But clearly, and what Emma said, Isn't the photos amazing? This is definitely the Emma who suggested this, by the way. Okay, okay.

So Emma's saying, oh, yeah, I don't really remember the cafe, but, like, talking about how amazing the experience was, how it was what dreams are made of. And, like, these parents were like, oh, at the cafe we got horrible service. It's, come on. Like, look how much fun they're having. So it's exhausting to be that kind of person. Sorry, it's exhausting to be the child of a person.

Yeah. Take it from experience, from people with experience, being the child of someone who cares way too much about service. Yeah. In the wrong ways. Like nitty gritty. Nitty gritty. The nitty gritty-gritty the nitty-gritty aspect like the nitpicky aspect that's what i meant yes isn't that the same thing nitty-gritty yeah i don't think so why are you acting like you never heard that before stop is this a mandela

effect i know what nitty-gritty means but that's not relevant here have you heard of the buzz about okay i'm moving on anyway the whole point of this photos are so cute to give emma her shout out while i read the reviews that she also sent all the photos are so cute she looks so freaking happy right exactly all the little american girl dolls they don't play settings but they have little paper crowns with their names on they don't look very happy though the dolls they look terrified thrilled alexander one looks drunk as fuck the one the third photo on the left i'm not wrong right one eye is closed it's like whoa too many mimosas okay don't listen to him um this is so your dolls

are lovely this is the kind of thing ugly i would have like super attractive honestly looking at these pictures i'm like shit i would have just killed for the first thing like this but again like this is a very unique thing i think this isn't like a common this is just a very like i wish i i wish i had made the right friends you know who did cool shit like this but lo and behold my friends and i just played with walkie talk he's in spite on the zoo parking lot you know yes that was you and that was me i was gonna say if we're being honest we weren't really friends but okay um that's fair time for me to read a review this is one that emma sent in but i found it first before i read it so here's a one star review

this is by uh marnie was this sent in by emma oh no these are the ones you've both found yes okay which has been the whole point of this tirade i okay i know you're acting like i'm supposed to remember that but here's a review by the chicago location horrified at the child and matching dolly look. Waited for the dolls to jump out with a knife and hear the screeching music. Waited for angry clowns as well. End of review. I think Aaron sent that one in too. When I see dolls, I too think clowns are coming for me.

This feels very normal. I feel like there's a lot of people who have a lot of unresolved issues with these dolls. Like one is calling them ugly. One is deeply threatened by them. Throwing out a, oh, this is kind of of creepy is very different than saying absolutely i'm waiting for them to knife me yeah followed by a parade of clowns having that reaction to american girl balls is a little strong reaction and then being like i know who will understand this a lot of people on the internet. And it's like, you misjudged, you misread the room here a little bit.

I feel like, yeah, saying it's creepy, I could understand this is a little much. Hey, two people gave it a thumbs up on Google. Okay, so there are three of you. There are three of you. And I hope you join a group therapy because I think that there's some things going on here. There's a lot going on here. Yeah, I always wanted one that looked like me. I'm very grateful that never happened.

I wouldn't have needed to play walkie-talkies with you. I could have had my own friend. That's the saddest thing I've ever said. That's terrible. This is a review sent in by rachel she her and it's of the american girl bistro in dallas this is a two-star review by chad a local guide by the way i am a fan but this concept could be so much more and generate more sales. First, can someone please tell me why a store aimed at 10-year-old girls has impossibly large and heavy entry doors? I'm 6'2", 200-pound male, and find the doors a burden.

If the store concept was run more like Disney World, sales would be so much stronger. Here's what I mean. I was going to say, what the hell does that mean also i would like to before i forget address this door i don't think i've ever ever in our whatever three years of doing the two and a half years i don't know how long it's been it's been a long time heard of review complaining about the doors have we that's so specific i mean i have that thought sometimes when i open a door yeah like oh this is taking way too much effort i've never thought to add this to a review not that i leave many even like a mental review of like oh the experience of this place don't forget about the

doors could you imagine if i come home when i think oh i just went to i say oh i just went to lululemon and he said how was it and i said the door was so heavy i am 200 pounds and i could not open this door and i'm a male by the way masculine maybe that's all it was i mean he's six foot two he's clearly either he was either feeling emasculated by this door that's probably it which probably has stickers on it that say american girl and he probably had an embarrassing moment of trying to open it and then said it's like when i think elena generous made the joke in her stand-up like ages ago of like when you when somebody trips and then they look back at the sidewalk and like as if like the sidewalk did something like what the hell you know as if it was not their own fault they tripped over their own feet um i feel like that's what's happening like he's like i check out that door walked up and it says we're all girls in here on the sticker and he says no i'm not welcome

pretty girls open the door yeah welcome to the hair salon for pretty little girls but i guess i don't know if this if this door were crushing young girls and that were an issue then yeah if like a family couldn't get in the door like i don't understand i feel like nobody else seems to find this such a big problem can you imagine like he's the first one he's like king arthur the first one years to open this door and they all celebrate him no one else could have gotten in okay i want to hear about disney now also love that he finds the doors to be a burden like it's not like they were hard to open but they're fully an emotion they're taking an emotional and spiritual toll

to bring to therapy or to his therapy podcast much like this has been i guess that's kind of what's happening here uh sir if you need to vent if you need to get your frustrations out i have a microphone waiting for you okay here's what i mean about disney world by the way happy customers i'm sorry okay look i agree it seems like there's not many happy customers but i don't know that that's really great advice on a corporate level it was it's similar to that i think that's the first episode three or something when we did uh car washes and someone gave oh yeah business advice and it was do better do better here's advice from a business professional

clean but learn cars better it was something so generic anyway okay this is even worse it's just happy customers okay what's next it should be run more like disney world here's what i mean happy customers engaged visitors mean longer visits and higher sales management needs to train employees to always be positive, engaging, enchanting. This is a store built off the idea of merchandising stories from books, after all, not unlike Disney. I expect me and my daughter to be greeted immediately upon arrival. I expect someone to want to help us explore and discover the latest available, help guide us, tell a story about an element or doll while bringing us on a

journey offer us a water a seat if applicable you need to just open your own doll cafe then my goodness in four oh my god he should open he should partner with our generation generation open his own no doors just curtains you don't even need a door but it'll be you check out you get your r generation doll and the cashier hands you a coupon to the starbucks that's in there you just sit down with your doll get 10 off at starbucks offer us a water a seat if applicable inform us where to refresh ask if you can arrange reservations i'm sorry. Is that what happens at Disney World?

I haven't been since I was three. I'm so confused. Is this really what goes on at Disney World? And this is not really... Okay, well, I mean, not that that was up for debate. Not very constructive. But I expected something, I don't know, more concrete than... Give us water. Give us vibes that are good or something

give us impeccable vibes yeah you know i thought it would be oh uh pump pump smells into your like disney does pump smells that people would like like actual i don't know not that that's good advice but actual concrete things they can do rather than train your employees to be better and treat me better. To be more enchanting. Like what? To be more enchanting? I know. You're surprised.

You don't know what that's like. I've never even heard the word. No. No one's ever said it to me. Yes, I have. I talk about that Taylor Swift perfume all the time. I know you do. I know.

I wish i could forget offer us a water a seat if applicable inform us where to refresh ask if you can arrange reservations in the cafe each employee should be trained to discuss the stories share trivia know the merchandise i should feel like each employee would like nothing more than to help me anytime, anywhere. What does that mean? He's like, I need a personal assistant who has nothing to do with this doll cafe. Tell me where I can be refreshed at all hours of the day. I'd like a butler, please.

My goodness. Please. My goodness. The store should reflect the times with much more technology engagement slash interaction discovery sales tools. It's not a word. What does that mean? Speaking of buzzwords, interaction discovery sales tools. What?

The premium price on the brand means I expect the store to be polished, clean, organized, without broken light fixtures, without displays in transition. Employees should be trained to engage with respect to the product and be ready to wow the customer by exceeding expectations, perhaps offering a band-aid. What? Sorry. What? Perhaps offering a band-aid, a tissue, assisting with a disruptive or unhappy little one by offering a topical entertainment piece. What does that mean? Like Daniel Tiger? What do you mean a topical entertainment piece?

Some sort of satire on current political climate? And a tissue. And a tissue. It's done. This this seems very he needs a butler slash personal assistant oh my gosh slash nanny i guess and this seems very specific to some vague experiences person had because there are some things in here that i think should never be relevant but but then I wonder, wow, what kind of experience did they have? Who needs a band-aid is what I want to know.

Exactly. Do they actually cut themselves somehow by accident? Perhaps offering a band-aid, a tissue, assisting with a disruptive or unhappy little one by offering a topical entertainment piece or suggestion to help keep the party on track to discover the entire store and keep the enchanting experience this concept is great and extremely expensive however it is not a brand which commands a position so entitled that it doesn't need to work at achieving a top customer experience for top dollar sales end of review oh my goodness that was a lot from chad a lot how do you have time to be a local guide if this is what you do in your spare time you know what i mean i i know exactly what you mean i guess this is why he's a local yeah and he probably

wrote all this before leaving the building the right good point he probably had his butler write it imagine so i don't think any of this was constructive um imagine imagine doing something constructive with that time and thought process you know i'm he would run the world that i do anything constructive with my time ever but i'm not doing this i'm not pretending like it's constructive yes thank you you know what i mean i'm not like wow i know better than other people yeah my goodness uh he must have for somebody who's so critical like he must love disney world like i guess he doesn't have much of a problem that's true i would love to see his review of disney too i i bet it's very self-serving talking about how oh this is exactly what i would suggest

for businesses do uh they they really took a page out of my book this is my uh book this is my interaction discovery sales tools 101 guide manual for dummies it's just him going to Disney Disneyland just taking notes just writing down what he sees I'm surprised that this isn't the worst review we have today because of that first one yeah because this one is so condescending and obnoxious but it's not like it's so much misogynistic yeah it's so much less cringy than the first which is so surprising yeah i agreed so surprising i've got a quick one nice little quick one cool this is of the uh location at the grove in la uh i was just there at the grove oh i was like at the american okay we went to a different cafe.

It was raining. It was a time. It rained. One day it rained. And I don't, nevermind. It was still a blast. Here is a review by Scorpion. One star.

Food is foul. Don't waste your money here. I'd rather take my daughter somewhere else like Denny's. End of review. Alexander, I don't have it in front of me, but I read a different review that said I'd rather go to Denny's. It said like Denny's slash IHOP or something really similar. Am I missing a connection here? I don't think so.

It's the same with that Dollar Tree thing. Why are you bringing in Completely unrelated Businesses Because yes Both Denny's and American Girl doll American Girl place Give sell food

But to say that You'd rather go to it's just Apples and oranges apples and Well no pancakes and cinnamon rolls But through same difference Yeah I'd rather go to, it's just apples and oranges. Apples and, well, no, pancakes and cinnamon rolls, but same difference. Yeah, I'd rather go to Denny's. I wonder if that's what being a parent is like. You know what I mean? Like in the past before children, I would have just gone to Denny's, but now I have

to go to this American Girl Caffeine Dream of the Days in which I was free to go to a Denny's. You do this all the time. You sit leona down you two are uh watching uh little einsteins daniel tiger and daniel tiger and you say oh i wish i were watching breaking bad same vibe and then i'll watch breaking bad and leona stopped sleeping lately she she cries a lot. Yeah, and just screams. She's learned her first words.

What? Oh, really? What are they? Jesse Pinkett. I knew it was something stupid, but I did not expect. Yeah, I expected crystal meth, and then you said Jesse Pinkett. I couldn't think of any other words. couldn't even think of crystal i could only think of jesse pinkman just that quote just that line just those two words that's it so anyway here's this is sent in by Stephanie. It's a review of the store in Atlanta.

Is there a cafe there? I don't know. I think so. Sure. This is a one-star review by Maribel. Where is the dumb store? I can't go to Georgia. I'm eight.

Oh, no. This little girl in Nebraska. Help me. I can't go to hudley or georgia oh my god it does say go go orga go orga but i figured i give her the benefit of the doubt because she's eight um where is the dumb store i can't go to georgia i can't go to gorga i'm eight uh so i just thought that was very sweet and i hope someday somebody took her to gorga gorga um i have a i have a one star one this is by hammer time gaming uh this is of the chicago location another one emma also sent in

one star i'm a boy end of review don't you dare ask me if i can open the door at american girl like i wonder what context they're did they get a notification that's what i was your time at american girl i wonder if he went with his sister and he's like i was only there i don't know but he didn't say that exactly so maybe he was just in the area. But then why is this child receiving this notification? I don't know what's going on. Why is this child reviewing places on Google? Exactly. That's a question I asked myself.

16 reviews total. Seriously? They all say, I'm a boy. I'm a boy. So this is my last one. It's from Hannah. They, she, from the hog pen. I think I know who that is my last one. It's from Hannah Veshi from The Hogpen. I think I know who that is.

Hannah G. This is a one-star review by Josie. When one hears it's genius in marketing about a place geared to kids, you'd do well to avoid the place like the plague. $15 to do Dolly's hair. $30 for an outfit. $80 for a doll.

I wanted to spew. When do the fake boobs for American girls come out? How about the American girl attorneys to figure out their prenups? How about renting stables and pastures out for the American horses? Okay, sorry, that one was a little different. And also, like, they do have that. Yeah, I was gonna say, I feel that's very on-brand, actually.

I feel like this is one of those, like, two truths and a lie, where it's like two lies and a truth. Which one do they have? It's fake boobs. Well, this is very troubling. It just seems to be creating a large measure of greediness and materialism and worse sly cunning to get their parents to buy them what they want

i saw this ominous character flaw played out several times when i visited recently i am scared of these stores now because if these are the people that are like if i if this person were in a store and were kind of watching and critiquing and taking notes on me like this i would be so uncomfortable and unsettled this is something where now the employees i have i mean i try to have respect for employees in general dealing with any bullshit but these employees dealing with these kinds of people who come in so negative and who do not want to be there yeah that's the that's the hard part not only blame themselves for being but they don't blame themselves for being there they either blame children or their children or they blame the actual location and

i'm sure take it out on the employees this is really wild because you're not enchanting enough for your minimum wage job and you're not enchanting enough for your minimum wage job and you're not giving trivia and band-aids out at every turn topical entertainment topical entertainment i don't even know what daniel tiger is by the way before people are like don't show your child screen time i don't we only watch well i let her listen to uh what's the show you just mentioned little einsteins no that's oh breaking bad i can't think of the words you can only remember jesse pinkman yeah so before uh before people are like don't let your child watch daniel tiger i don't we just watch breaking bad okay i saw this ominous character flaw played out several times when I visited recently.

Then there are the sisters. I saw a couple of instances in which one sister or friend would cry because they thought the other was getting more than she was. This place does very little to encourage girls to use their imagination as well. And why should they? They have all kinds of props to make things real in years it gets this is maybe maybe one of the like i know coming from someone who used their imagination to imagine these young girl dolls with boob jobs good point but that's why she's such a good imagination true because she didn't play with these are you getting the picture no not at all but please continue also this is gonna get

probably the dumbest review i've ever read okay like i know that's a big bold claim to make but this might be the dumbest review i've ever read okay in years past you could give a kid a couple of tin cans and a piece of string and they'd go to town on it what in years past you could give a kid a couple of tin cans and a piece of string and they'd go to town on it. Seems so naive and poor, doesn't it?

Yet you could make a telephone. Oh, dear God. You can make stilts. You can make stilts? No, you can't. No, you can't, Josie. What are you talking about? Yeah, you stand on the cans and hold the screen.

Break your ankles off. Yeah. You could make stilts and walk around on the cans. You could tie them to your bike and race down the road, hearing them clattering all the way. I don't think I've ever read such a dumb review. What is the point of this? Okay. I don't know i've ever read such a dumb review what is the point of this okay can you imagine you're like auntie can we go to the american girl store she's like

here's a couple of rusty cans it's like you're 30 why are you talking like that so weird it's like she's giving them a hooping stick like yeah who are you are you 90 Are you 90,000? This is like wrong generation bullshit of like, oh. Yeah. They need to be more grateful for less stuff. It's like, I highly doubt you played with. Who are they being raised by? Hello? Okay.

I can't do this. Okay. Hearing them clattering all the way. We're jading our kids by the time they're five. Thanks, American girl. You made me realize the best gift I could give my nieces is nothing but time and attention. End of review. I think your nieces disagree wholeheartedly.

They're like, I love your time and attention, but i really want to kit kittredge for my for my collection and why are you blaming the store for any of this shit i i don't understand this is wildest i saw these two sisters one was crying how dare you store sly cunning i mean i feel like you're putting a lot more on these children than actually exist they're like i want a horsey and you're like i see that ominous sly cunning in your eyes you're getting a boo job soon aren't you kid it's so fucking weird take this rusty tin can probably buys her nieces those creepy shirts that are like, oh, gonna be a catch one day or something. You know those weird little gross...

Daddy says I can't date until I'm a princess and I'm 18. It's like, what the fuck? Anyway, sorry. That review made me think of... She doesn't buy her nieces anything she she forages for green beans in cans and then rinses them out in the creek and then gives them rusty tin cans and says use your imagination um this is hannah thank you this is probably one of my favorite reviews i've ever read that was wild here is an email is my last one. This is from Carly and Marzipan. Marzipan's the cat.

Aww. So cute. Carly, she, her says, Hi, I'm not very good with technology despite not being a senior citizen, so bear with me. And she said, I don't think I ever want to go to an American doll cafe

after this review reading experience, but I wasn't planning to anyway. I don't think anyone's going to want to go after this review reading experience but i wasn't planning to anyway i don't think anyone's gonna want to go after this episode no right or you know it made me weird like i didn't want to go before but i weirdly want to go now i guess emma probably wants to go back i don't have a reason to go because i don't think i could eat anything there anyway and i don't want a doll sometimes they give plastic food for the dolls. So I could eat that. That's true. Yeah. Okay.

So here's one. This is a review by Harriet, and it's a one-star review of the New York location. Both Carly and I were very confused. So if you have an idea of what the fuck is going on, please let me know. Here we go. Your Just Like You doll line is missing many demographics. And why do you allow parents to humiliate the school systems by allowing them to bring their children to you versus being in school as required by law? I'm sure a scan of your reservation database can identify local offenders and you would be happy to turn over if requested.

I tried to ask you via a Facebook post on your page, but you deleted versus responding. Covering up friends, or are you willing to cover up abuse? Have you ever received an abused doll at your hospital? What did you say of how you fixed it? My foster daughters want to send theirs in, and as a responsible legal guardian,

I would like to see your response before they do. End of review. What's happening? So, my understanding... I felt like I had a guess, and then it went a different direction. Exactly. That's why I'm confused. Because it seems that their issue is with children being brought there during school days. Right. That's where I thought... That's where my head was.

Instead of being at school, which is required by law. And I right that's where i thought that's where my head was instead of being at school which is required and i guess that's like a privileged thing is that what they're saying like oh if you get to go if some kids get to go to the american girl doll store i don't know maybe but why does it say allow parents to humiliate the school systems? Seems very dramatic. I don't know. I had, every once in a while, we had days where mom was like, yeah, don't go to school. That's fine. Let's do something else.

It was very rare. Pretending like I had a stomach flu. Well, I did that a lot too. And she gave, she finally gave up. But yeah, I don't know that I would call that humiliating the school system. I wonder, I don't know. Maybe there was a birthday party or something. I don't know that I would call that humiliating the school system. I wonder. I don't know. Maybe there was a birthday party or something.

I don't know. I don't know. I'd be very surprised. But also, what if it was like their school had a teacher in service day or whatever, or something happened at their school that it was closed for some reason, like when our school collapsed? I was just talking about that. But they want them to scan their reservation database to identify quote local offenders local offenders right it just seems so much more than just oh these kids aren't at my skipping school yeah it's so weird it sounds extremely dramatic yeah i feel like if i were the company, I'd be like, I don't even know. Like, I'll tell you what you want to know, but I don't know what you want to know.

I feel like if I were the American Girl Doll Cafe, I'd be like, sure, you can look at whatever you want. I literally don't understand what you're asking me. I hope not. But you can have it. I don't think this person should have access to all the children's names that are going to the American Girl Doll Cafe. The local offenders, as she calls it, which I assume she means children who are there to get their dollies fixed. Right? That's what it is, right?

I don't know. Anyway. The database. Something to ponder as you go into your challenge. Yeah, if anyone understands that, let us know. A couple people told us what the top hat uh meant yeah it was slash or something from guns and roses i've seen slash live i've seen guns and roses live so i probably should have but i get that but also i'm like it doesn't

look like you're going to a rock and roll concert it looks like you're in guns and roses which is very different you look like the main member of Roses, which is a different... Exactly. Very different. You look like the main member of Guns N' Roses, which is a different thing than like... They look like they were headed to a rock concert, right? Unless it's like a cosplay. I don't think... Anyway, I don't know why.

And I feel the Guns N' Roses fandom is not one to dress up as them while going to their concerts. Yeah, to be like... But I could be wrong. I mean, I could be wrong too. I've seen many Taylor Swift people dressing as Taylor Swift going to their concerts yeah to be like i could be wrong i mean i could be wrong too i could i've seen many taylor swift people dressing as taylor swift going to her concerts and i think that makes sense but they call themselves swifties and i don't know that

people call themselves slashers slasher slashies slasher slashers or slashies slushies is fun yeah um i've seen guns and roses live but and when i was there i didn't see anyone with a top hat in the audience i think that they probably wouldn't let you take a top hat in the audience because you can't see you know what i mean i'll just be rude you're right cool so is it ready are we ready for my challenge i think i'm ready okay so um my challenge was from julia she her it's to find reviews where someone was clearly coerced into posting or stated that they posted it without wanting to i love this this was a fun one but it was wild at times pardon i bet it was wild at times oh i thought you said but it was

wild i was like how do you know um yeah i feel like this might be the most diverse array of reviews ever really like from any episode i like that like most diverse amount of websites i pulled it from types of reviews types of companies types of reviewers so here's the first one this is from niche.com do you remember this website no this is a website where you can rate small towns yes uh and when i was gonna guess that but i forgot did small towns in ohio we also discovered uh that you could review your school yes on here so this is a review of benyon junior high school in taylorsville utah of course. Obviously, you've heard of it. Five star review by Brandon, comma, freshman.

They said I had to write a review. So here it is. A review. It has to have at least 100 characters. So 100 characters. End of review. So I hope you got an A. The weird part was there were only three reviews.

So either three people did their homework or... Maybe this was a punishment. Oh, or this is like Bart Simpson writing on the chalkboard. He just has to write 100 characters over and over again on the internet. Now, for funsies, I looked up the other two reviews of this place, which I'm assuming, considering they were also written by freshmen, I'm assuming this was also their assignment. And I just kind of liked the juxtaposition of Brandon's review of I was forced to do this and Sam's review. This is Sam, freshman, four stars.

I have found Bennion to be a really great school to go through junior high in. Some of the great things about it are the teachers. I am personally friends with over half the teachers, even if I've never been in their class. And for those that I have, I've been able to learn a lot. I enjoy that Bennion has a GT, parentheses gifted and talented, program because I was in an accelerated program throughout elementary and keeping that up has helped me to learn the most effectively. I don't like that there are some kids at my school that try to sneak into the restrooms during class

to do drugs, vape, etc. But there aren't many, and the administration is pretty good about eliminating issues. All in all, Bennion is a very good school and really nothing's perfect anyway. End of review. Oh, what a dweeb i'm so i'm i'm trying to hold back this is a child when i was a freshman i was probably worse than this child so i'm just gonna hold back but that was dweeby i'm friends with all the teachers

oh okay it's like braggy subtle brags but i was worse so i can't be but not like in a yeah obnoxious condescending way you know what i mean i'm like jeez okay i get it you're the smartest kid in the class and everyone loves you great freshman year for me i told everyone that uh beatles are the only real music and only good music especially when people listen to Kanye West, and I hated it. So I was ahead of the time on Kanye by disliking him. Oh, by disliking him.

But then you really did like him. I did. So the bell curve went really weird in that way. And honestly, I probably liked him for far too long. I think my fandom went on a lot longer than it should have. I see. Embarrassingly enough. you know a lot i think i think my fandom went on a lot longer than it should have i see yeah um embarrassingly enough so anyway because meanwhile i was a slushy and i was like can you just join the right side of history and i wouldn't put on that top hat i know to be fair it didn't like fit

in the car so i'd have to like squish it down i'm And then in assembly, they'd always be like, not again. Christina with the hat. Take it off. We can't see our prayer service. We can't see the religion teacher praying on the stage. What a memory you have. Or is this your imagination? Either way, it's fantastic.

It's my imagination. imagination either way it's fantastic okay here's uh so anyway i just like the juxtaposition of like they said i had to write this yeah here it is happy now and then the other is like i'm best friends with my teachers so here's a review of sky high bar in the Philippines. It's a four-star review by Nina. Title is Birthday Celebration. I just started thinking about Jesse Pink. You have to go away. I was trying to read it. I just couldn't get it out of my head.

I'm glad we're not recording for like another week. So hopefully you'll forget about all of this bullshit, Jesse. I'm glad we're not recording for like another week. So hopefully you'll forget about all of this bullshit. I'm glad you're leaving town for a few days. I think you need a break. Get out of Dodge. Although they made me write this review and kept reminding me throughout the night to do so, good experience at the place nonetheless. If they ever make you write a review, just do it right away.

The staff will keep nagging. I don't think they'll let you leave until you post a review here. do it right away. The staff will keep nagging. I don't think they'll let you leave until you post a review here. They won't leave until you do. One staff member is watching me as I write this review right now and won't leave until I submit this. Just a heads up for other guests celebrating any event here. So here's mine. Good food and drinks, smiley face. Saying happy birthday to the celebrant. Lively rendition. Eddie, Karen, Chris, Kevin, and Eileen. You could have just done that last bit.

Yeah. Right? Just gotten it over with. It would have been so much quicker. I feel like you were there for 15 minutes writing this review while they watched. It says via mobile, so clearly... Do you think they were doing it by uh voice to text oh they are watching me right now comma as i write this comma yeah i it's so awkward that you're saying

they're watching me as i write this right now they are not going to leave until i post it like it sounds like you're being held hostage a and b what a weird meta an awkward thing to be writing people put a lot of energy into saying too much in these reviews yeah i agree it was just too much you didn't need all that but i don't know um granted we say way too much on this oh yeah so we put way too much energy into saying way too much dumb shit so here's another review and this is from a completely different website i've never even heard of and it's of a moving company called we help you move in frederick maryland this is a review by taylor there's a great deal to write about this company but the bottom line is that at the end

of the move i was pressured into writing a review. Once I had a chance to look around, I found the damage to the walls, the fact that well-marked boxes were put in totally random places throughout the house on three different levels, and I wound up cleaning out the refrigerator after they knocked over a drink that coated the entire interior. However, on the upside, one of the employees from the company did show up at court for the criminal hearing regarding the fact that one of their employees is charged with having stolen items from the house, used a credit card he stole, and was caught on film using the credit card. All told, not a company I would recommend anyone trusting with their move. End of review. Oh boy.

So the fact that they said in the first line, the bottom line is that I was pressured into writing a review. And then at the end of the review wrote, oh, by the way. That's not this. That doesn't seem like really the important bit. Like, I feel like saying, oh, by the way. They buried the lead. I'm late for my court date. Is that the right use of that phrase?

It is. Okay. Absolutely. The lead is at the end. Yes. They buried it. The fact that there is a criminal case pending against this company who was caught an employee's caught stealing your credit card but we focused on

the refrigerator for like three lines and the fact that they forced you to write a review wow i was just baffled by that so um it would make so much sense if at the end they said and what makes it worse is that they're they forced me to leave a review or something yeah i feel like that part's like cherry on top not like the bottom line of the whole yeah they also framed it as like oh on the upside they're going to court yeah it's like okay so yeah mean... Suppose that's an upside. In their eyes, yeah. It's an upside that they didn't run from the law, I guess. Question mark? I don't know. Maybe they just like a good comeuppance.

That's true. And don't we all? Yes. So, I don't even remember the name of that website. It was some random... I was going to say, you never said it right. You know, I don't even remember the name of it they reviewed a moving company but this is so wild because we've done niche.com we've done a trip advisor we've done this random like i don't know moving company

forum or whatever what's next glass door oh nice the fourth one and it's a totally different website so this is a review of a transportation company called g-a-t-x they make about 1.2 billion in revenue each year yeah gaddix you know you know it's pronounced jadix oh jadix no i yeah true i say jif so yeah uh emma always sends me the meme that's like imagine if god came down for for imagine if god came down you got this clearly they send it all the time uh imagine if god came down to earth and just said it's pronounced jod and then left and i'm like leave me alone i will say the inventor of jif calls it jif every time and m's like if you say that to me one more time anyway well. Well, he just died, too. R.I.P.

Yeah. And so I think we should honor him by saying Jif. I can't wait for him to come down to Earth and say it's pronounced Gif. All right. This is a five-star review of Jadix, or Gaddix, depending on who you are. And it's by Current Employee. Title is Love It. And it's by current employee.

Title is Love It. Pros. Great salary and benefits. Great team. Cons. They made me write this review. End of review. Okay.

Okay. Weirdly, that made the pro even better. True. Because if you're being pressured into writing it, we all like a good comeuppance and you could have been like oh yeah you want to review jadix here's how i really feel but uh i guess it's all positive that seems pretty positive to me now i have a redemption as my last one and this is from trip advisor so we're back. And this is about a bar called Turtle Bay. And it's a review by Frankie. Five stars.

And the title is Danny Boy with an I. Danny Boy. Oh, I was like Danny with a Y. Boy with an I. Danny Boy. Dan the lad. What a legend. Best waiter in the house.

He made me write this review before I got my final drink. End of review. That's funny. Dan the Lad. That's funny. Couldn't you have said Dan the Man? It really would have got rhymed. Yeah, true.

But anyway, Dan the Lad, what a legend. Best waiter. Now please give me my cocktail. I need it. Love that you're not allowed to write you're not allowed to get your beer until you write me a review oh my god that reminds me when we were in la we went to an escape room and the guy he was great and then he said oh if you leave me a review i get money what and i didn't do it yet i have to ask d what his name was oh man but yeah no that's a really

good i mean normally for me i'd be very inclined to help a an employee out by leaving a review that mentions their name if they but again that seems kind of shady because it's like i mean i'll never see him again so i don't have i mean clearly i still haven't no i know i just mean as the company i'm like why why why do you have to like make them pander for oh no i agree i mean but that's the same thing i'll give you 20 bucks if someone says they liked yeah and you have to awkwardly ask them to do it i don't know it just seems shady to me on the business's part not the employees i see i see yeah well i mean, same thing with not paying a living wage. Right.

And forcing your employees to basically beg for tips or act a certain way for tips and deal with more than they should just for the sake of tips. No, that part I support. That part I think is fun. Because you're notoriously awful. But you tip well. I tip very well. You treat them like like human garbage i make them work for it god the people that have that attitude that's the worst i know i uh i hope you know i'm kidding um but yeah uh danny boy you know what you deserve that yeah i'm glad you got that review, Dan. And I hope Frankie got that beer. Watch it and be like, psych.

Psych. Not enough characters. You need 100 more. What is this, my high school? Not again. Wow, good job. That was solid. I love that.

I had a lot of fun. A lot of fun. And I basically just searched for phrases like they made me write this and wow it was it was quite a slew of frustrated people so good this is exactly what we love all right thanks everyone big announcement we're going on tour i'm not sure if you've heard it yet beach to sandy.com slash tour and if you're sick about sick of hearing about it then help us sell out just buy tickets even if you're not coming if it's sold out we'll stop talking about it imagine if

we actually got people to buy tickets without coming and then we just perform to nobody can you imagine if there's like a two drink minimum and they're like well none of these people showed so shit either we have to pay for them or they have to venmo i don't know oh my god don't scare these people i'm just thinking of the worst possible uh okay scenario as usual our show will not be the worst possible scenario okay despite what she might say if you're sick of hearing about our shows go to beach juice any.com slash tour and buy tickets we're in columbus and cincinnati this june june 8th and 9th but in reverse order.

I don't know why I said them that way. VIP options are available where you can meet us, meet and greet, and tell us how much you love us in person. And yeah, you can also go to our social media, TikTok, Instagram, Twitter at Beach2Sandy. We love you all and we'll talk to you soon. Okay, bye everybody