Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 183: Reviews of Michelin Star Restaurants

Episode Date: June 1, 2022

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello and welcome to episode 3 of 3 that we are recording today. Bonjour, je suis Alexandre. Wow. Je suis...

Enchanté. Enchanté. Enchanté. Thank you. Je ne sais pas. Je ne sais quoi? Je ne sais pas. I don't know. Où est... No.

This is our Michelin Guide episode. Oh, okay. Yep. Right? Oui, oui. Oui, oui. Oh, si. Or guide Michelin. our michelin guide episode okay yep right we we we we oh see or guide michelin that's pretty y'all are you good you're really good at that welcome to our michelin star restaurants episode if you don't know what that is the michelin guides do you know what they are um i know that it's about fancy restaurants.

Yeah. Well, do you know where it comes from? Certainly not. A chef, I assume. The tire company. No, it doesn't. You didn't know this? Does it really? Of course.

I thought that was just... It was like a travel guide. It started as a travel thing. You're kidding. No. I didn't know that. So it's published by Michelin, the tire company. Wait, seriously?

Yeah, since 1904. I just thought it was a chef named Michelin, the tire company. Wait, seriously? Yeah, since 1904. I just thought it was a chef named Michelin. Nope. They award up to three Michelin stars for excellence to a select few establishment. Acquisition or loss of a star can have dramatic effects on the success of a restaurant. Also, what a dumb guide. You're on a road trip and you're like, let's get this cool guide from this tire company. And it's like, there's one in Paris, one in Spain, and maybe one in New York City.

Here you go. No, they have so many. There are so many. Like the one star, the two star, and the three star. Okay. But like, they're all really expensive. Right? And fancy.

Not necessarily. No. Hmm. Okay. No. All right. No. Okay.

Christina, don't act like you know about i know i i will be very upfront and frank with you and say i have not ever eaten at one i don't really feel like i need to um but really though the reason it started was because they wanted to like increase demand for cars and for tires tires yeah so they um they made this like guide to restaurants in france and um wow yeah and it also had like gas stations and like it had useful like not just restaurants only the top the creme de la creme of gas stations also all the restaurants were really far away and could only be accessed by car that's part of the that's one of the you can't get there on a subway yep yep exactly makes sense anyway so nowadays it's

like generally yeah like you said fancy and also like very expensive places that have very good quality food and service atmosphere etc yeah get three stars um the best get three stars and there's two stars and one star so even one star is like a quite the accomplishment yeah um and they also have like a green thing that they do now like a the green stars in 2020 it's like they focus more on sustainability oh that's nice so and then they're like but get more tires and drive more cars yes exactly anyway so now that i've explained all that as much as thank you for doing that you're welcome do you want me to go yeah okay cool uh my first one is of masa it's a japanese it's a it's a restaurant in new york it's a japanese restaurant um a lot of sushi and stuff uh the lunch is 750 per person oh oh so it's dinner oh uh or you can get like the counter experience

for $950 um that's a $950 oh not including tax and beverage that's the other thing the beverages get you that'll get you that's what that's what today. So anyway, here's a review. One star. This restaurant is the worst restaurant I ever tasted. Everything tastes old and dry and never go there. Never. I'm glad I made it out alive. The food is poisoning. End of review.

Oh my God. Fascinating. I'm glad I made it out alive. I know, right? It reminds me of that review you read for Between You and Us of the pasta lady being like it's time for me to die now goodbye forever because i don't have fresh pasta it's ridiculous and old yeah um that's alarming and i'm also glad they made it out alive me too so that they could write this beautiful review for us to share. So they could grace us with this beauty. Can you imagine spending?

I can't imagine it. No. Okay. So let's see. This is an email from Georgia Shideh who sent some reviews of Michelin star restaurants in Scotland. This is of The Pete Inn, P-E-A-T. This is a one star review on Google by Robert. This place has horrible customer service

my chicken did not taste like chicken i would imagine that's what cats taste like not chicken wonder if there's any missing cats in the area oh my god you um well imagine having that thought eating something like oh god this is what i imagine cat tastes like yeah i feel like this is more about you as a diner than it does about the restaurant this is a realization disturbing thought that you had that we that you had to subject us to for some reason that's the other thing like come on leave us out of this yeah why are you twisted mine i ate cat i think well nobody nobody asked okay okay uh here's one uh that i have of the fat duck it's in uh i think bray england oh something like that oh bray maidenhead united kingdom i believe it's in near london i think okay So their anthology menu, volume four, which is what they presented for their 25th birthday,

is between 275 and 350 pound per person. Okay. You're like, okay, I can do that. No, it's just better than now. I feel like that sushi place at the bar so high with that poisonous food that cost $900. Prices were all over the place for some of these places here is a review though of the fat duck thoroughly disappointing had been looking forward to this for months after several attempts we finally managed to snag a reservation for the

day after my husband's birthday so organized a whole trip around this and we live in florida oh what a complete waste of time and money hang on i'm not done each one was its own sentence oh no when they slide the door open to enter the restaurant it's like they moved the curtain and you get see some guy who is definitely not a wizard. The best part of the meal were the palate cleansers, or possibly the bread, but none of those are worth the wait or the cost. I'm vegetarian, and three of the dishes I received included black truffle, which I do not like. Why did it have to show up in three of the dishes? do not like why did it have to show up in three of the dishes it was really unimaginative everything came out very slowly so much so that we spent the whole night feeling hungry my husband isn't

vegetarian but was not impressed with menu of veal sweetbreads and anjou pigeon also he asked for a coffee to have with his dessert but it arrived at least five minutes before the dessert with by which time it was cold when the dessert i just realized even spilling a desert this whole time that's why i like tripped up there i'm like should i start reading it as desert now or are we committed when the desert finally arrived we were so fed up that we sent it back asked for the bill and left but not to be confused with fed up literally just like figuratively i get it i get it of course we got up and left before the end of the prefix menu is that how you say a prefix that's what i think

as we've determined out of our element out of our league here uh prefix menu that we had already paid for because we couldn't bear to be there a moment longer the best part of the night was when we came back to our hotel and had a drink and a packet of crisps we have dined at several three-star michelin restaurants before and enjoyed them so much that we went back but we won't be back to the fat duck never again go to helene de rose at the con art in london you'll have a better experience better food and still have money left over to pay for a night in london and can confirm can confirm um alzheimer's painful i don't know did you know we've been to the con art yes okay i've played

violin there we're like we're out of our element but sometimes we play violin at the con art to entertain the guests um i just it's funny it's like they pulled a curtain back and you were standing there i was standing there and i was like violin going and i was like poor juni's like what the hell was that i was like that's not a wizard i want my veal sweetbreads now papa also like what is it of loneliness that is a wizard of loneliness i do feel like she was looking for a wizard i don't know what the wizard thing was like a wizard of oz reference i know but like oh so she's saying it wasn't the curtain and like it wasn't i don't know but she said it's like a guy was standing there okay anyway i i feel like

the the the clearly the analogy was lost on me um but i did read a lot of people who planned entire vacations yes around one visit and i get it because like if a restaurant is a thousand dollars per person or whatever like yeah I understand that being like the experience of your trip. But after reading these reviews, if I ever decided to go to one of these places for some reason, I don't know. I've decided I want to screw the con out and go to the fat duck. go to the fat duck um i think my expect i will put my expectations so far to the ground because it was so sad to read people being like we've waited months for this like this was a special dinner yeah we paid 3500 for this nuts and it was terrible and blah blah blah and i'm like this sounds like a real bummer yeah whether whether it's deserved or not if you're spending like thousands of dollars on something and it really sucks yeah um like i i would be okay so i've i don't think i've ever

had like a really bad restaurant experience right i don't know i don't think that's necessarily maybe i just got lucky but like yeah if you've had that if you have that one bad experience and it's at a time when you spend thousands of dollars but and i also feel like you're more bound to have a disappointing experience because if you're like oh this is the best thing ever we're looking forward to it we're spending thousands of dollars and then you just don't like truffles and it keeps showing up everywhere which hey i don't like truffles so yeah i'd be not that i would be like this is so unimaginative, but I'd be like, icky. Icky. Yucky. Icky.

Icky. Next, next. Papa. I want my veal. Wizard. I want my veal sweet. What's it called? Veal sweet bread.

And pigeon. A lot of these places make pigeon. Yeah. Do you know that? Yeah. A lot of them make pigeon. Because there's so fucking many of them i guess also like you can apparently have someone i'm not recommending this don't at me

but i've seen lots of people who are like if you want a pet just grab a pigeon oh i've seen that too and so i've seen tiktoks of people just have pet pigeons i'm not i'm not suggesting it i don't know you scared me because i thought you were gonna say i'm not suggesting it but you can like cook your own pigeon oh no and i was like alexander no i'm very far from that but i i have seen that that pigeons were pets they were trained to be pets i mean they're like carrier pigeons like the fact that there are pigeons that like delivered messages and stuff makes it feel like they're more domesticated than they're very domesticated i think they were initially domesticated and then they just kind of like let them loose. And now they...

They poop everywhere. They poop everywhere. Now, some of them wear diapers if you keep them as pets. Yes, I have seen that. Anyway, this is of a restaurant called Le Pigeon in Portland. You're joking. I'm not joking. This is my next review.

And when you said they cook pigeon, I was like like this is a theme for sure uh it is spelled correctly but i don't know how to say it in french la pigeon so i'm just gonna say it like that um and i will say i wrote parentheses oops not michelin because i searched for michelin restaurants and after it took me a while because i read a bunch of reviews and i was like looking through a bunch of restaurants and then i realized looking through a bunch of restaurants. And then I realized, wait a second. The only reason these came up in Google searches is because people wrote like it deserves a Michelin star. If you do like Michelin Cincinnati, like restaurants show up and none of them have Michelin stars. I read so many Cincinnati reviews and then went, wait, we don't even have.

I don't think we have any Michelin star restaurants. I just went on the Wikipedia page and looked at the list. We don't have any, huh? In Cincinnati? any michelin star restaurants i just went on the wikipedia page and looked at the lists and just we don't have any huh in cincinnati yeah no yeah so i was reading i mean the closest is probably chicago i don't yeah i don't have any from cincinnati but i did accidentally find this one of portland but then when it was called la pigeon i was like i'm just gonna keep it i'm sorry it's a one-star view um but a lot of people it is like the fanciest restaurant in portland and people had a lot of feelings about it it did remind me a lot of the michelin reviews that i did read so i don't know i'm just gonna wing it get it here's a one-star view by bobby concerning your new policy

on no more tips i hope you enjoy having less business because I will no longer patronize your restaurant and neither will the people in my circle of influence. I think your ridiculous attempt to infect our tipping culture with your French socialistic tactic is not going to go well for your business here. I hope there is someone in your chain of command that will come to their senses before you are allowed to ruin a great and honorable practice of tipping those people who work hard to deliver myself and others exceptional service and food in the pursuit End of review so that's that what's the big deal i don't know like this clearly doesn't come from a concern for the workers right the way they put it they weren't because i know there are many workers who like okay i've read cases of places not paying enough but having a no tipping policy right so then the workers miss out on a lot of money because they used to make

so much more money with tips and they're not even making a really decent wage but this person doesn't bring up any of those points no and i feel like if they are doing it in the french way that means they are actually paying them exactly a living wage yeah which is how it should be instead of tips and the fact that they call this a socialist like whatever makes me think it's very political which is yeah but also makes me think that like why are you so concerned with these waiters and their tips i don't get yeah i don't know it seems like you have two different angles here like you're they're they said they're quote offended by it yes they said this is you're infecting our tipping culture what maybe they just don't like french people but then why do they like this restaurant well they clearly don't well they don't okay good point um i guess i'm just worried that bobby's circle of influence is gonna

also be offended and i'm concerned for that circle also what if someone came to you and said oh never go here again if you find out that you're going here i'm gonna be so mad then you're like why what what do they do what do they do they pay their workers a living wage so that we don't tip them it's and you don't have to tip them anymore oh well thank god sounds great sounds like a plan $500 meal and there's no 20 gratuity included no matter what wow that sucks this french restaurant is doing it french doing french things yeah calling it a socialistic whatever well it's not even a michelin star restaurant so why do we care silly me

silly silly me my next one is of the inn at little washington this is uh in washington virginia the little washington that's what they call it it's a four dollar, like most of these are. Dinner is $308 per person. Slightly better than the others. Yes, yes. Still very expensive. Here is a review. This is by Randy. A wonderful place, but definitely a culture clash.

I have been eating in several three-star Michelin restaurants all over the world, but this kitchen is by far not on a three-star level. Good products, well-prepared, but cooking? For this price, sorry, I call this a joke, but probably it is just because I am not an American. Oh! Ouch. This guy sounds like fun. just ripping on americans this guy sounds like a blast to have

at a party oh maybe it's just me and my problems being that i'm so much better than everybody else the least surprising thing ever is that these reviews brought out some really obnoxious people oh yeah i even searched at one point like I've eaten in every Michelin star restaurant. Oh, yeah. All that fun stuff. Yeah, you find some winners for sure. Okay, so the next one I have is an email from Brooke Sheher, who was one of the people who sent in the Michelin star prompt, among many others.

And she goes by Straw Bee in the Hog Pack. Yeah, hi, Straw Bee. this is a review of oxalis i don't know if that's how you say it in brooklyn new york um and it's a one-star review by rachel i'd give it zero stars if i could most disgusting food ever they had me eat flowers for a snack i actually want to look this up uh oh apparently oxalis is a type of flower so oh i guess that makes sense you should have known what you signed up for then buddy yeah oxalis is a neighborhood bistro just steps from the brooklyn museum the brooklyn botanical garden and prospect park okay let me see how much it is

i like that you did that oh yeah i came prepared that was fun you came prepared i didn't um so their carte blanche menu is a seasonally inspired menu of nine servings each night and it's 120 dollars oh it's not too bad compared to the other ones with a 70 beverage pairing or a35 non-alcoholic pairing. And they actually do have an a la carte. A lot of these places only have the prefix menu. And brunch prefix is $40. Okay.

I'm into it. I'll try it. Well, except that apparently they make you eat flowers for snacks. Back to this. They had you eat flowers for snacks. So, back to this. They had me eat flowers for a snack. I nearly threw up and will never recommend this place to anyone. If you're a crunchy granola kind of person who likes to eat dirt, then maybe you'll like this. But anyone with real taste buds will realize you're eating grass.

I'm just going to let that one sit for a moment. After. After your whole thing about eating glass grass episode also the price was outrageous and all i got was green froth with every course horrible and the chocolate was inedible how could you screw up chocolate end of review it was just green froth have you seen that what are you is that a thing i don't know i've seen like on fancy restaurant like on tv not in real life on tv when they put like that weird green bubbly froth stuff on food i don't know what it is it looks kind of like some a dog threw up grass oh gosh gion do you know about this stuff uh oh gross okay you know what i mean i'm reading i typed in started typing green froth

and the auto complete suggestions are oh not good i typed chives foam recipe yeah that's i think that's what it is because it is sort of it does sort of like taste like grass it looks like it looks like oh my god here's an article from the chicago tribune hey fancy restaurants what's with the foam? Interesting. That is a good question. Because I feel like I've seen that. I'm out of this circle. When they make like all these weird fancy dishes, like those really small ones on TV and stuff,

they have like foam on them and I don't like it. A lot of the places I read also had deconstructed. Did you see that? Or like what are the, I keep forgetting what it's called. Not micro, it's called, it's like where they use chemistry to make molecular gastronomy that's the one uh where they put things in like bubbles like make bubbles out of food or it's just really weird i don't know it's not my thing but yeah some people are really into it speaking of bubbles and foam my next one is of the french laundry hey look at us this is in yontville california

what yontville i don't know how to say it y-o-u-n-t-v-i-l-l-e yontville i have no freaking clue i wouldn't even know where to begin and i didn't bother looking it up so here it's uh 350 per person oh actually they're all sold out but anywhere from 350 to like 500 per person oh never mind you get the black truffle and caviar dinner for 1200 per person i'm in oof here we go um here's a one-star review of the French Laundry. For a supposed French restaurant, their bread was no better than buying it at Walmart. I have spent a lot of time in Europe. In Walmart.

Even the cheapest bread is so good there. I have spent a lot of time in Europe. And even the cheapest restaurants had some divine bread. Crispy outside with a soft inside. So wonderful. And this bread is from a French restaurant? It might have been better as a laundromat, because this place has nothing French about it. End of review. And I've been there one time, okay?

I can't with people who are like, I've spent a lot of time. And I know better. And I know bread. Like, okay. Make your own. Make make your own like that pasta blogger true make your own penis pasta make your own penis pasta and get over it um this is another one from brooke this is of a place called batard in new york new york which i think is type of bread but i might have made that up let's see batard uh okay is a bread similar to baguette so you're welcome thank you yeah this is in new york you came prepared i did this is a one-star review by amber

it's in tribeca do you know what um tribeca stands for don't do this to me um it's not fun no i didn't know like things like tribeca stood for something you didn't no the t and the b and the c are capitalized oh it is well is? Well, I mean, yeah. I mean, now I know why. I know why, but... Okay, what does it stand for? Triangle Below Canal. Oh, that's fun.

Isn't that fun? I would not have guessed that. I know. I would never have when D asked me if I knew. It stands for Triangle of Batard. Yep. Cool. Here's a one-star review by Amber of Batara de New York, New York in Tribeca.

This restaurant was supposed to have a Michelin star rating, and I wouldn't even give it a Michelin tire. I didn't see anyone do that. I thought that was hilarious. That was funny. I was like, wow, I'm surprised more people aren't doing that. Yeah. But I didn't even know that they were connected. When we walked in and saw the dated decor and wrinkled menus,

I got a bad feeling that was soon justified by the starters. A slab of spam-esque duck terrine and a donut-shaped beef tartare drowning in mustard and cream. When we asked for a wine pairing, our server sassed us. Not cute sassy either. Impatient sass. Not the way I do it with sassy. Not the fun way and the cute, adorable way that I do it and that everyone loves so much.

Not the way I sassed the waiter first before he sassed me back. And made poor recommendations we had to send back. He was better suited for a Denny's or a dive bar with all the attitude he was giving. You know. Yeah. Denny's and their attitude problems. Our mains were better but wildly underwhelming and the desserts wound up the same. A bland creme brulee and a chocolate cake with crystallized milky chunky ice cream and none of it was making sense.

The bathrooms looked like a COVID petri dish's wet dream a total breeding ground of unhygienic grime we'll never come back to this restaurant whose former glory is truly long gone jesus that was scathing that was harsh yeah like i don't know anything about the restaurant but like whoo scathing indeed i feel like this brought out a lot of wannabe food critics yeah like you read the waffle house ones and thankfully most of those people kind of understand they don't have an air about them necessarily yeah except for those oh granted last waffle house episode we had those people that were like i wanted to see how the other half lives here's how i would make a waffle with uh cremeiche. Why don't they have creme fraiche on the menu? But yeah.

But some of these reviewers really had like a chip on their shoulder. It's exhausting. It is exhausting, yes. Good thing our show isn't highbrow enough to have highbrow critics, you know. We're allowed to laugh. We're self-aware enough we can laugh off anything like that. Your turn. we're allowed to laugh at it we're self-aware enough we can laugh off anything like that okay your turn uh i have another one of the french laundry here's a two-star review it's by uh jason i've been wanting to try the french laundry for years but trying to get a reservation is next to

impossible i've been checking reservations daily since we are visiting Napa in April. I decided to read the reviews. Most are positive about the food, but the service is a different story. I cannot tolerate rude and inattentive waitstaff. I will take a pass on TFL.

Seriously? Yeah. Oh my god. So they're basically like, peeved that they didn't get a reservation and so now they're like well i didn't want to go there anyway yep they're like let me read these reviews and confirm anything any bias that i already have towards them because they won't give me so they were trying to make themselves feel which i understand that need to make yourself feel like well i'm not missing out on anything um but to then write a review yourself to be like well here's my experience of reading your yelp reviews they were like i i would have been willing to

tolerate the rude and inattentive wait staff if they would have let me but since they won't let me since i can't get a reservation i will not tolerate this hang on and it was my choice by the way i was the one who made that decision to not go there but if you have an opening give me a call exactly i'd love to stop by like a day earlier before they wrote this review if they had gotten a reservation this review wouldn't have existed i feel like this is one of those where their partner is like oh so did we get in at that restaurant they're like no but we don't want to be there anyway. Trust me. Just trust me. Boy, oh, boy, oh.

This is of a restaurant in Chicago that I found called Alinea. Alinea? Alinea. Oh, my God. Don't worry. I looked it up. God, I am such an amateur at this. I have one from there, too.

So this is a one-star review by someone named Bismarck. Oh, shit. Listen, I don't know. I didn't even make it up. It's a one-star review by someone named Bismarck. Oh, shit. Listen, I don't know. I didn't even make it up. This is a one-star review by Bismarck. Sorry. Bismarck.

I didn't even make it. It's so bizarre. I promise I didn't make that name up. That's really what it says. Pretentious joke of a restaurant. Literally couldn't get through a course without laughing at whoever thought serving a nutmeg scented pillowcase would be cool that sounds pretty cool i think it sounds like a pillowcase i think it sounds great so it's not even like a pillow on the thing it's literally just like fabric like a yeah you're supposed to

stuff it yourself that's here to go bags it's like for trick-or-treating you just fill it up um also just there are different options but the cheapest is 295 dollars per person here and that's just one pillowcase you don't get anything in it imagine it's like supermarket sweep or something they like you get in they hand you this nutmeg scented pillowcase and they say fill up as much as you can that's all you're eating that's fun i would play that game also i love that it's a nut wait hang on i just realized also by the way this was sent in by brooke so i i thought i found it myself okay i gave myself credit undeserved um but so i love that it's a nutmeg scented pillowcase but it's not necessarily edible it's not like oh it's not like flavored like they never said anything about whether it's a palate cleanser you just smell it okay i have

no idea anyway uh i could literally couldn't get through course without laughing at whoever thought serving a nutmeg scented pillowcase would be cool would be a great place to eat if you hated yourself oh perfect i'm on my way honestly check check check let's fucking go i'm in that's wild so uh that's that i've got one from avalinia but this was sent in by emma um i need more information about this pillowcase though unfortunately i don't have any okay uh sorry emma doesn't have any okay but here's what emma does have um here's a two-star review this is by stan had to think about this review as it's really not my kind of place so my review may disappoint some for once

i had to think about it before I wrote it. Visually interesting, yes. Worth the buildup or the price? Definitely not for me. If you like sky-high, ridiculous prices, theatrics, and small dishes, you certainly may think differently. This is a place for those who want to say they have been there, and I'm sure they posted to Facebook about it, LOL.

You know if you're that type i am not for me i prefer larger servings down to earth atmosphere i would have been much happier going to gibson's for a great french dip and some cocktails winky face and calm down so i looked up gibson's because i thought it would be like a local diner or some chill place. No, it's probably some fancy ass place. Like a $4 signed steakhouse. Of course it is. Which I'm sure the prices are not, you're not going to have to spend $400 on a plate.

But it was still extremely expensive. So I was like, okay, this isn't, you're so down to earth that you can go to yeah i was gonna say i guess i'm just gonna go uh eat with the lowly peasants at this four dollar sign steakhouse um elks dinner huh i found the nutmeg pillow really yeah by the way alinea i'm pretty sure it was like has been named like the best restaurant in the u.s like it is that is i think that is like the top of the top of the Michelin star in the U.S. Let me tell you about this nutmeg.

The entire dish is presented this is from alanhemburger.com I don't know. The entire dish is presented atop a pillow that is filled with the scent of nutmeg and mace. As the dish is eaten, the pillow softly deflates

releasing its scent into the air it's literally scented that's hilarious they capture the scent inside of it that's kind of cool this is not my like oh yeah would i pay thousands hundreds of dollars absolutely i just can't imagine i mean i get that it's cool, but I'm like, what? I just want to eat it. I'm hungry. You know? I don't know. Wow. Atop a pillow, Alexander. Yeah.

This is amazing. So it's, I mean, this person was pretty spot on, I guess. It literally releases a scent. A scent. That's wild. It deflates. Okay, so the. I think also, by the way there's a there is a story

involved um a waitress spit on um i want to say i think it was like donald trump jr or as maybe it was eric trump i don't know someone someone was spit someone from the trump family was spit on by a waitress at the restaurant which one which way yeah at alinea so i think a lot of people also like reviewed alinea after that because i saw that emma included a review of someone being like you don't spit on people like blah blah blah like the person should be fired um so yeah so it also got like a lot of attention for that there's like a lot of i feel like would you have done that would i have done that would you if you were working in a place and you had to serve like say don jr what would you do i wouldn't spit on him i don't know what i would do i think i would

want to spit on him and then be too scared i mean that i would get like arrested by yeah and like exactly not that i wouldn't want to but i think I would be too scared and I I think also like I don't know I would try to find some I wouldn't do it I don't think I would want to start I don't know I don't know what I would do I I have no idea so that's why yeah but wow anyway I just like don't I don't condone spitting on people yeah um especially but if anyone deserved it it was probably someone yeah I feel like I really would have wanted to do it but i would not have had the guts um depends on if they did something first yeah i guess that's true yeah if they were like a creeper like give me a reason to spit on you i think they've given us a lot i've spit on you before yeah exactly it comes up every once

in a while so hang on so i'm sorry don janeer doesn't deserve it but i okay i didn't say okay i don't want to get into it um because i think it's going to reveal a lot about how i feel about myself and i don't think we need together um by the way this article is called white bean many garnishes pillow of nutmeg air so that is that is a uh that is a sentence i suppose it's a headline okay so the next one i have is from an email from kristin she her and this is of muguritz outside of san sebastian in spain i don't know if i'm saying any of that right i said spain right can you google it to see how much it costs i do not know how to spell this you'll figure it

out it's not is it i assume it's not m-o-o-g-r-i-t-z no it's m-u-g-a-r-i-t-z you find it it was not close um i did find it. Apparently, according to this, it says 350 euro per person, taxes included. That's it. That's all I could find. All right. Well, according to Kristen, she went on her honeymoon there and they went to this restaurant and she said, we went for the experience. We knew the food was going to be funky and it it was. But we had a lot of fun. And it was really not that bad.

But if you're expecting more traditional dining, I can see how people would be upset by it. But again, in this day and age, like, why would you expect traditional dining? Like, just Google it. You know what I mean? Not you, Kristen. I'm just saying, like, people who are disappointed by, like, the type of food. I'm like, well, if that's what they do yeah you're gonna be disappointed no matter what i mean as far as like so i googled actually again it says someone there's an article

i spent 1500 on lunch about this place uh i spent 1500 on lunch and it was the weirdest meal of my life i'd like to read that so like some people are like saying okay so the prices are all over the place some people are spending a couple hundred euro someone's spending fifteen hundred dollars i don't know lunch um but yeah oh my god well oh some of these places too i don't know if you saw this you had to pay in advance oh yeah so there were some places where you pay this person this place it said 110 euro just deposit for a reservation right that's what it says here um but there was a place in was it chicago new york i forget where it cost i think 450 a person or 250 either 250 450 a person um and you had to pay in advance so if you didn't

make it like you were just out of that money um anyway so Wow. So that is the place, Muguritz. And this is a one-star review by Helen, who titled her Trip Advisor review, I wouldn't recommend to my worst enemy. I must admit that today was the worst gastronomical experience of my life. I would compare the food at Muguritz to the Paris Fashion Runway. Everyone is clapping, saying how wonderful, and you are sitting there saying, what the fuck? The food is entirely inedible. We had 25 courses and I could barely swallow 24 of them. These types of dishes should only be photographed, not eaten. I admit I actually spit one of them out in my

napkin out of fear of throwing up at the table if this person does go to paris fashion week they're gonna be kicked out in like five minutes yeah if they're screaming what the fuck and spitting food into their napkin they're probably not gonna be invited back i would rather get food poison from taco bell than eat at this horrendous restaurant also i like the implication instead of food poisoning they're like i would rather get that food poison they serve at Taco Bell. I would rather get food poison from Taco Bell than eat at this horrendous restaurant. The outside grounds are beautiful, but that's about the only nice thing I can say.

The inside is cold, pretentious and unearthly. No music, no background noise. I actually was able to hear the table next to us the entire time. no background noise i actually was able to hear the table next to us the entire time in fact i overheard a gentleman say he tasted the hint of time in one of the godforsaken dishes i was compelled to get up from my table and hit him over the head what why someone can taste time and you can't like time the herb not like oh my god no he was on mushrooms no no no yeah he time t-h-y-m-e i mean he tasted a hint that doesn't seem like a very egregious i don't think so either faux pas at all i don't think it doesn't even sound pretentious i don't know it's just kind

of like yeah i taste the time in this i don't like eat at fancy restaurants but like i know what time like tastes like it doesn't it's so weird weird to me that you would get so angry. That seems so aggressive. That you would be violent. The best part of this restaurant is the toothbrush and toothpaste in the bathroom to rid your mouth of the horrendous aftertaste that will be left in your mouth. Okay, that's pretty funny that they have that. They have that? How weird is that?

Very. Why would you have toothbrushes? Because maybe they know that their weird is that very why would you have toothbrushes because maybe they know that their food tastes bad that seems like a wild choice i don't know maybe they don't like the taste of time or the scent of time on their customer's breath and then oh they're like please before you come up to pay at the checkout counter i don't know your mouth out with listerine oh my god twelve hundred dollars later i threw out the entire drive back to madrid muy malo end of review wow um and they oh my god nope they literally have a picture in the review of the toothbrushes they have individually wrapped toothbrushes in the bathroom.

So they weren't even like making a joke. They legitimately do. Is that just like fancy? I mean, I could see that like a country club or like a fancy like. Where people would be like. Doing things. Changing. Yeah.

Or like getting ready for something. Yeah. It seems weird that you would invite people to brush their teeth in your fancy bathroom. Yeah. I don't see any bathroom yeah i don't even know yeah i feel like you're saying like yeah either like yeah we know time sucks or uh i don't know get your germs out put them in our sink i feel like what maybe they serve something that gets stuck in your teeth maybe i feel like floss would do the trick oh maybe they should have floss

be part of the menu oh time this part's not edible floss time flavored what does time even taste like um not the passage of it but very specific flavor i have some in my garden really yeah yeah oh you walk past it every time you come into my home. Oh, that's intentional? No, it's not. It's legitimately not. I'm just kidding. The people who lived here before us planted a bunch of stuff and it survived despite my trying hard to, you know, kill it.

But so, yeah, they have thyme in there. You can try some later. I'll give it a taste on my way out. There's thyme and rosemary and mint, but there's literally nothing that i actually like the song okay i'm not gonna i've already sung that song on this podcast uh rosemary and okay but listen to me there's nothing normal that i actually cook with there's no basil there's no cilantro and there's no parsley like the three things that i like sage rosemary and thyme yeah that's the one

uh there is sage there is rosemary and there is thyme and i'm like that whenever am i gonna use that i don't know i don't even know what they taste like you don't even know i had them no if you had those three things and parsley i know that i know what it tastes like yeah not like soap for me soap for some that's cilantro but the oh maybe i don't know no personally i know oh fuck maybe i don't know i feel like if you put like like you know the taste test tiktoks of like the different diet sodas and everything no okay it's where they put someone in front and it's like diet pepsi diet coke regular coke regular pepsi and like i'd be good at that coke zero see i think i'd be good at it too but i'm also allergic to diet drinks i'd be

terrible yeah so every time i throw it swelled clothes i'd be like this one's a diet but if you did the same thing with herbs i would not be able able to do anything with it. I can tell more by looking at them. Yeah. Okay. I could tell the difference between basil and parsley. Do you know what sage looks like? Stupid. It's very like, yes.

No, you don't. Because whatever you just did is not what it looks like. The leaves are fuzzy. That's what I... Oh, never mind. Yeah, I was thinking of something thinking of something else yeah i know i think i was thinking of time you were thinking of rosemary google it yeah i knew it i literally saw your hand motion went no no that's god damn it okay it's not important i'm done by the way i'm ready for my challenge okay me too um and i just i wrote down who sent the challenge i don't know if you need that oh yeah sky yep but before i get into that okay i have an update oh gosh thank you everyone who dm me about may 31st of this year being a time when you all needed to dm me this again a reminder to look into a review man people really

do follow through yes weeks and at least a month in advance i think this past the problem is why do they think we're gonna follow through yeah but the past like 30 days i've gotten so many dms we've gotten emails yeah um i do appreciate all of it because every time i'd get a new one i'd be like oh yeah i still have to look that up I finally looked it up today like it took you did all 30 days I really didn't people DMing me thank you we're going to finally look it up so for context we had

in an episode I read a review from the Gaylord Opryland where someone had deleted so they wrote a one star review owner responded saying, you're welcome back. We'd like to invite you for like another stay. The person deleted whatever they wrote that was one star and instead said something like,

I've been invited back. I'll update my review once I visit again. So I was like, that's really cool that they did that. Like, I respect that they were like, you know what, like, I'm going to remove all my negative negativity. And i'll give it another shot because they invited me that was two years ago now wow because when i read it last year was had been around for a year still no update of course not yeah of course not well i was hoping that within the year that maybe they would have gone. So remind me a year from now. No, Alexander, don't you do this again. Are you kidding me?

I don't know. Alexander, I'm sure they're not going to. If they haven't gone back now and updated the review. But they might not have been able to go back because of COVID and everything. Who knows with travel? Fine. So May 31st. So all those people who worked so hard to get you this information now have to

do it all over again yep okay throw it back on your calendar just set it as a yearly thing okay okay but no i checked everybody they did not update it i found the original and they wrote a couple reviews since then of other places but they have not okay so their account's still active yes okay so maybe you're right maybe they will come come back. I have faith in them. I don't, but that's fine. We'll find out. Okay, we'll find out. So anyway. Can you bookmark it so you don't have to go digging for it again?

It wasn't that hard to find. Okay. Here's my challenge, though. This was from Sky Sheher. Positive reviews of companies that would usually get negative reviews. And a few people definitely came in clutch uh including emma who um sent in reviews of the desk planes secretary of state office oh which seems to be like the dmv was going to say, it sounds like a not fun place.

Yeah, yeah. So definitely doesn't seem fun. So yeah, Des Plaines, Secretary of State Office. Here is a five star review. This is by Bonnie. Arrived at 8.15 a.m. ish and was out by 10.45 a.m ish and was out by 10 45 a.m the woman who updated my information was the only memorable part about my dmv experience she was awesome fun had beautiful green nail polish on i hope she gets laser eye surgery too because getting my restriction lifted today felt great

anyway she provided above and beyond customer service. I wish I knew her name so I could give her a proper shout-out for being so lovely. End of review. Wow. Hang on. I hope she gets laser. What? So this person seemingly went to the DMV to get their, like,

Oh, corrective lens thing changed. Like, restriction lifted or something because they must have gotten laser eye surgery so they probably in conversation they were talking and the person said

oh I too want that one day okay because I was going to say if someone said that about me I'd be like what a threat what a cruel threat I hope you get lasers in your eyes

it's like something you'd say to like a referee like I hope that referee gets laser eye surgery he needs it yeah but you really do need it because it's really helpful and yeah lovely to get that restriction there you go exactly yeah it worked out for bonnie i might get it um go for you should why not mom got it yeah i might

get it you should um here is a five-star review this is is by Paul of the same place. Okay. I drove to Des Plaines as a senior needing to renew my license with both a written and a road test, thinking, OMG, it's going to be a nightmare. It wasn't. DMV personnel were efficient, as pleasant as could be during talks with all walks of life, and seemed concerned they were accurate and engaging in their communications. My expectations were low, my experience high. Congrats, Des Plaines. This taxpayer appreciated your professionalism. Paul from Chicago. End of review.

I've never heard reviews like this where they're just so like this is jarring to me i know it's it's very positive i went to the dmv and i had an excellent time what yeah are you talking about and i'm gonna spend more time than i need to describing about how great it was describing how great like reliving the moment yeah i mean i even loved her nail polish color what i mean wow it's great huh it's just a teeny tiny little spark for humanity just kind of it's refreshing a little ember glowing and a little bit more a bigger ember comes from emma herself who says allow me to say that this taxpayer appreciates your free radio show that's nice thank you emma thank you emma taxpayer appreciates your free radio show that's nice thank you emma thank you emma

so that's all i hope you get laser eye surgery i'm gonna say that now it's just sounds so threatening i know um so now comes uh reviews this from v uh she her and v christina v is australian okay and so are these reviews i don't know what the fuck's going on i was just cracking up reading these i'm like v i have no idea what's going on here but i love it it's all positive so uh here's what v says hi xandy i've attached some five-star reviews of a few center link offices in melbourne australia for your upcoming challenge context center link is basically our government social security slash welfare provider and they are notoriously terrible to deal with red tape galore underpaid and overworked staff poor treatment of disabled people inaccurate record keeping long lines and that's just the tip of the iceberg anyway Anyway, they don't generally get many positive reviews.

Average is around two stars. Yikes. So I thought they'd be good for this challenge. Hope you enjoy. So here is a review. This is a five-star review. Can you guys bump up my mom's payment please sincerely gaza end of review and v says i think sincerely gaza is how i'll be signing my emails from now on i'm like

what's a Gaza? So I Google Gaza. I do Google. I Google Gaza, Australia. It's a nickname for Paul Gascon, an English former footballer. I think that's just this person's name. Christina, but like maybe it is that person's name, but it's not on the thing. So I don't know. I'm assuming it's their name.

And he's going to just be using Sincerely Gaza. Why not? Why not, I guess. It sounds Australian, so. I'm going to sign off. I hope you get laser eye surgery. Sincerely Gaza. Sincerely Gaza.

And here's another one, another nice Australian one. Five stars. Whether I gave this place a one or a five, they're still doing what they do best. Though the building is pretty how you going? End of review. Wait, what?

It's pretty how you going. I don't get it. How you going? You know? What? Aussie slang. I don't get it. How you going is the ultimate aussie greeting if you're not from australia this mashup of how are you and where are you going might leave you a little perplexed it's not like how's it going it's so apparently there's a wide

range of like uses so it's it's it's it can be like a are you okay kind of thing too so it's either like a greeting like a how you doing kind of thing or it's like a like oh how you doing like okay sure like do you need something i get are you okay no i'm not so in this case it seems it's meant more as like a negative where they say though the building is pretty how you going like oof building you all right oh kind of thing like wow alexander i it took me a long time to try to wrap my mind around this i just v what do you think that we know these things like why do you think we're smart enough to know this or worldly enough like why do you look at us and go they'll get it i'm bringing culture i'm so'll get it? I'm bringing culture. I'm so impressed that you figured this out.

I'm bringing culture to our listeners. Say the phrase again. How you going? How you going? How you going? I mean, I like it. How you going? How you going?

I like how it's multi-purpose. I do appreciate that. I didn't know you could describe a building as it, but that's fun. I know. As I was reading all these explanations i said this still doesn't explain how this person used it until i found that one that was more like it can be kind of like as like things are not going well yeah okay okay okay so i love that attitude of like whether i do five or one you know they're just gonna just going to do what they do best, which I'm not even going to specify in this review.

It didn't seem particularly positive, but they left five stars. Yeah. It counts, I guess. All right. My last two reviews come from Andy. How you going? Andy uses they, them, she, her pronouns. How you going?

I hope you get laser eye surgery sincerely gaza writing a whole letter just so australian okay um so here is uh this is a these are five-star reviews of the hennepin county medical center uh it's a level one trauma hospital in downtown minneapolis oh goodness so yeah it's uh oh goodness you know not all positive stuff goes here goes on here so here it's a four-star review this one's a little a little bit of humor to lead us into our final one thank goodness here we go i was birthed here yall just, y'all could have made me cuter. Eye roll emoji.

End of review. Wow. Wow. Wow. What an enormous amount of time on their hands this person has to go review a medical center with this hilarious lady. I think I, on stream once, reviewed the hospital where I was born. Did you really?

I think so. Why? Christina, I don't know. What did you write? I don't know. What on earth? Christina, I'm double checking. I'm going to go to my Yelp account.

On Yelp you did it? It was either Yelp or Google. Oh, God. I don't know. I feel like this goes against everything we stand for i've written five eight five star reviews whoa whoops oh yeah here it is do you want to hear my five star reviews of uh christ hospital in cincinnati ohio yeah but i don't remember writing on august 26 2020 yeah i was born at this hospital almost 27 years ago while i don't remember much of the actual

experience it must have gone smoothly enough because i am now a fairly well adjusted adult that is not true anymore yeah wow so thank you for bringing me into this world fingers crossed you don't take me out of it. End of review. Whoa. Jesus. Whoa. Sincerely, Gaza. Sincerely, Gaza. Did it have any upvotes? One person found it useful.

Three people found it funny. No one found it cool. I find it pretty cool. Thanks. You're welcome. Anyway, that's that. Here's a five-star review, though. Excellent.

I've won one final one. This is of that same hospital, not my birthplace, but that other person's birthplace. It's five stars. Look, forget about it. If I ever happened to find myself in an ambulance screaming in agony, I would at least count myself lucky if I knew I was bound for HCMC. I write this from within the walls of my room here at HCMC,

where I have resided these last three weeks as a patient in the burn unit. I can say without hesitation that I have been highly impressed with all of the staff here, from custodian to surgeon. I could go on and on about how much I have felt cared for. From my darkest moments of screaming agony to those of

levity, I've always felt safe and cared for. A very special dedication to the burn unit nurses, RN and CNA alike. Look, forget about it. The nurses that i've encountered in the burn unit are the most wonderful amazing people i mean seriously these are fantastic nurses right here to everyone who has helped me during my stay here thank you a million times over end of review holy shit yeah do they not give these people TV in their hospital? Wow. I mean, that's very lovely. Yeah, it was a nice thing, huh? I hope the nurses saw that.

I hope so, too. Because they deserve this little boost. Based on that review, it sounds like the kind of patient that would at least... Would let them know. And yeah, would be at least kind to them. So that counts probably for a lot. Yeah, I feel like they would probably let them know how how much they appreciate them hopefully in person too yeah um oxen are wow what the hell i'm writing this from the burn unit right i love this hospital i mean imagine being in like such a shitty spot in your life and thinking and being able to like

reflect on how amazing certain people are like i don't know i from your screams of exactly exactly i don't think i would even want to think about it let alone write a whole review about it well that was good sandy i mean i didn't do anything i thank you for writing emails and everybody i really needed it this week so thank you my life a little easier wow thank you for finally ending this show on like just many positive oh yeah positive reviews yeah it's all a charade so rare it's all charade it's all a mask for the dark underbelly of yeah what was up with that between you and us yesterday what happened yesterday well sorry this comes out a day

after oh i was like that was two hours ago i was really like oh no yeah y'all if you haven't listened to that bonus that we released there's something up was it the bonus or the between or the between you and us sorry the patreon bonus was also wild oh my god they were both wild what is happening i don't know why did we do this third because then we can't reference, I guess we can't reference any of them in any of them because they're all indifferent. Never mind. It was really. There was a lot of pasta talk.

Yeah. In. Pasta penises. Penis pasta. Mother's tits. Oxenert. Stop it. It's true.

We want them to listen, not turn it off. Do you want to spoil it? Oh. Spoil like mother's milk. Okay. It's true. We want them to listen, not turn it up. Do you want to spoil it? Oh. Spoil like mother's milk. Okay. Xander, it's enough. It's enough. It's enough.

It's enough. Okay. Well, I guess we need to give a theme and challenge. I know. I don't want to do it either because I have to pee really bad, but we're going to do it anyway. Go pee. Go pee.

This theme idea comes from Melissa Sheher, who says, Like Zandy, I'm obsessed with the type of marine-based structure. Instead of a passport for lighthouses, I have a passport for historic ships. No! The Queen Mary is my favorite for obvious reasons, and I was so bummed that I was not able to see her last weekend in Long Beach. I was able to visit the USS Iowa, which was way cool and full of tragic history as well. So anyway I bet there's some crazy reviews of ships out there whether it be a tourist fishing

boat experience, cruise ships, battleships, or historic water vessels like the Queen Mary. That's so good. That's so good. Thanks Melissa for that one. That's so good. Thanks, Melissa, for that one. Wow. Okay, so I have a challenge for you. This comes from NC Mama. Oh, hello again. Hello again. She here. Who sent a challenge idea, which is reviews that ask the reader to call them for more information.

Wait. Or say like, okay, I'm going to broaden it a little bit. The way broaden it the way people say like oh contact me if you want like the whole story yeah because there is one attached and i i read it at one point and it was very funny and i don't remember it so i'm gonna i i tagged it just as zandy in the that's fine inbox um as an example and this person left their phone number like said hey call me and then like wrote their actual phone number so if you do get phone numbers i would just suggest switching or like five five fiving them okay um but i think it's funny to actually have the phone number in the review as well okay i love it just like basically where they're like i'll do a fake thing but yeah

like write me a letter for more information or contact me or email me amazing that's your challenge cool and then i also have a theme for you and this comes from chloe and it's trader joe's oh lovely we haven't done that nope and chloe she they by the way says um i will try to send some over if you end up doing this chloe's the first person i'm sure to ever request that and the last definitely the first one chloe you you got it though since you said you would you now you have to do it you have to send us reviews yeah i'm i'm i'm i'm curious how many people have asked us to do trader joe's trader joe's oh my god is it a lot 35 maybe okay well thanks everyone but chloe you win chloe i just i found yours first so So my challenge comes from Ali. My challenge for you comes from Alexandria. I don't know why this made me chuckle.

And what? Okay, here we go. Your challenge. Find a review where someone complains about their partner for no reason. Just crack me up. It's probably going to be so funny. Like, like, just people are just so mean sometimes for no reason right and you're like wait what does that have to do with anything

okay i'm excited that's so good it's so it's really good it's like a simple concept but like one that i never would have thought to seek out nope i'm gonna find them it's gonna be great well thank you everybody for the ideas thank you for your emails. Thank you for reminding Zandy to check in on the Gaylord Opryland every now and then. We appreciate it. And we will see you next Wednesday, I guess. Off to bed. Bye.