Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 184: Reviews of Reality TV Shows

Episode Date: June 8, 2022

User TitObsessedWankophile gives this episode 5 stars!! Listen to Xandy on this week's episode of Twisted & Uncorked: https://spoti.fi/3Q9Ng86 Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer New merch including an EEK! pin!!! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Xtine's Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/shop/hauntedtofu Check out our Instagram: instagram.com/beachtoosandy Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy! Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning, in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem?

Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connects ontario.ca please play responsibly the all-new hyundai kona electric suv it charges fast and goes far it's how we made it more one. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet. A podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast. But I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello and welcome to Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet.

This is a podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. My name is Xandi. I'm Xteen. I don't like that you closed your eyes when you said that. It made me uncomfortable. I just, I don't know why I did that. Well, thank you for my new plant. You're welcome. He looks so happy up there.

Yeah, hovering over me, ready to fall and strike. A large ceramic planter dangling mere inches above your head. Yep. So it's my birthday yesterday. Yep. Happy birthday. Thank you. I just wanted you to say it. Is this your birthday episode?

I'm sorry. Your birthday was at a weird time. It was Saturday. Considering we're talking about Tila Tequila on this episode, I would say absolutely yes. Yes. Yeah. So this week we have, well, actually the day this comes out, we have our show in Cincinnati. So for some reason you are listening to this and it happened to be in the area and need something to do.

We still have tickets available. I think there are single tickets now. So to this show and tomorrow we're going to Columbus. So if you're in the area. And we're selling special posters. Oh my gosh. Limited poster, tour posters. They're so cool.

I'm so excited for that. I'm going to buy one. I know, right? I'm like, do we just keep a couple to the side? Probably. But yeah, I think we only have a hundred of them. Yeah, so they're going fast. Yeah.

Well, hopefully. Well, because I'm taking them. Oh, true. So welcome to the show. This, because I'm taking them. Oh, true. So welcome to the show. This week we're talking about reality TV shows, reviews of reality TV. This was sent in by Nicole. I think I also got an email that Brittany had sent in. I was confused.

But Nicole initially is the one that you found. Okay. Who suggested it. I think you found it. Cool. That's what I meant. I don't remember. That's what I meant.

It's not that important. Nicole and Brittany, thank you. You both matter to us. For inspiring us. Yeah. cool that's what i meant i don't remember that's what it's not that important nicole and britney thank you you both matter for inspiring us yeah i'm gonna go first because i have a lot okay so this is actually from nicole who uses she her pronouns this is her discovery it's on common sense media which was the initial suggestion like find reviews of reality tv on common sense media and so this is a review of the bachelor it's a one-star review by maya comma child she's a child no no stay away so one-star review and uh she suggests that this is for ages 18 plus okay the title is way too much talk about making out

my parents watch this sometimes most of the time i feel like this is only about kissing and you know what i do not think that teenagers or young adults under 21 should be viewing the bachelor or bachelorette this belongs on premium cable this title contains too much sex too much swearing too much drinking drugs and smoking end of review wait premium cable is like hbo or something i think that's like showtime yeah all that good stuff how does this child know about the difference between regular cable and premium maybe just common knowledge to children maybe this child is 17 i hope not i'm sorry child no part of me hopes not but part of me is like i hope it's not an eight-year-old being like man my, my parents are always watching these shows about making out.

I don't know what age I want this child. You know what? I don't want this child to be any age. I want this child to never watch The Bachelor again. I think that they're not ready for it. No. Emotionally, spiritually. I am not ready for it when I watch it.

No, it's hard to be. Yeah. spiritually i am not ready for it yeah so i am still as you know distraught that uh common sense media changed their verbiage from contained sexy stuff we scared them off of it i think we might have i'm so annoyed the funniest part about it yeah i think i'm gonna just say it that way again because this title contains sexy stuff it's way more fun than too much sex what are you kidding me that's that's so silly um and it has those creepy lips next to it yeah i'm gonna keep saying sexy stuff okay i don't know about those lips you don't nor do i want to no it has creepy lips next to it. So I'm going to keep saying sexy stuff. Okay. So just for your information.

Good to know. Yeah, The Bachelor, I did read through Bachelor reviews. I think I have one later. But man, a lot of these reviewers, just in all the things I watched, everyone acted as if every reality TV show, whatever one they were were reviewing meant the end of civilization yeah yeah exactly it was so annoying society come to it's so annoying i'd like to know what the equivalent of this was in like the 1850s right you know probably minstrel shows yeah i don't know like sexy zines sexy zines that may have been the 90s well okay yeah i i don't know i mean of course there's always

gonna be something yeah yeah yeah okay so here and it's funny because a lot of these reviewers or reviews that i found were from over 10 years ago on imdb so i'm like well it's not getting quote-unquote better for you in society. Life must be a lot harder nowadays. Exactly. Than it was back then. Yeah. Which is so funny to me.

Okay. Here we go. Here's a five star review of the show called Kid Nation. You. I have watched this. Told me about the show. I'm obsessed with it. Never seen it.

It's absolutely awful concept, but that's why i loved it let me look very short-lived for a very good reason let me give you the synopsis oh great a group of young kids are forced to the limits as they experience challenges without adults they literally put all of these kids so bad already and i think the youngest was like six years old no it was insane up to like 14 15 kids are forced to the limit already big red flags it was so bad and they literally just throw them out there and then they have to make they they there's a class system oh my god the lowest class system has to do all the cleaning and the chores and the middle caste system does or the middle class system does the middle class does the I think cooking and

certain middle whatever things and then the upper class I don't think they have to do anything. Love that for them. And it's based on winning challenges. So it just led to so much drama and they were children. They were six years old? They were children. Okay. It was wild anyway.

Yeah, I mean I'm looking at the Wikipedia and it legitimately says it shares some elements with william golding's novel lord of the flies i'm like is that something that you put in the pitch dot the pitch deck because i feel like somebody should have said i don't know about this um but okay whatever it's like correction the ages were 8 to 15 oh i mean that's a big difference it's a big difference. What was nice was some of the older kids were like taking care of the younger kids, which is wild to see. That's disturbing. No, I know.

Okay. I know. I think the eight year old had to leave earlier. I think there was like one who was eight or something who had to leave early. Yeah. It was a lot. Anyway, Kid Nation. Here's a five star review of it.

Okay. Also, I will say I recommend watching watching it i do want to watch it is fascinating terrible and one of those things where after i watched i thought i'm glad that they didn't do this again but i'm glad it existed so i could watch it that's one of those things in like a hundred years on whatever tiktok has become they'll be like fun fact there was this you won't believe there was this show won't believe there was this show 100 years ago where they put children on an island yeah people today still it doesn't sound real in the middle of a desert that if it were an island that'd be they should do a new

version survivor yeah this is like literally like had them hike through the desert it's in mexico i just looked they filmed in mexico i didn't even know that they just shipped them to a foreign country and put them in the desert. Like, think about it. Mentally, I feel like that makes a big difference that they're like, oh, I know I'm in like Arizona or something. But if you're like, I know I'm in Mexico, especially as a child. A foreign country. You're like in a foreign country.

Holy shit. I need a passport to get home. Like, this is really alarming. It's really fucked up. I do feel bad for the contestants. So maybe don't like tell you to watch it. it's fascinating uh i want good and bad reasons i'd like everyone to know that don't get me wrong i think it's horrible and i absolutely want to get some popcorn and watch it yeah just to be clear like i watched the bachelor i'm not gonna go defending the bachelor

yeah yeah but yes anyway five stars here Here we go. Is this legal? No. This can't be legal, right? I mean, there has to be a lawsuit in here somewhere. I honestly don't know what to think. Like, they just kind of threw some kids into the middle of the desert and then watched as they slowly descended into some Lord of the Flies type stuff. This has the work of an escaped mental asylum patient, right?

Who funded this end of review it's truly just the fact that this existed is just in itself incredible five stars though five out of ten sorry five out of ten it's imdb i was like wow this person has a six senses okay okay okay that makes a little more sense it's sort of like kind of how i feel same yeah it's like this is so interesting that this happened and i loved that i could experience it watching it but yeah i i it shouldn't have no and i feel kind of silly because i i am looking just at like the images um on google and there is a youtube video like called this reality show was insane like there already are videos like that so i don't know why i'm talking in a hundred years but

i think the whole thing is on youtube oh yeah every episode too probably have to watch it on youtube yeah um i do remember when you were watching this and every now and then i would walk in and there'd be some eight-year-old being like i am superior class and i was like what the hell are you watching um sickly fascinating okay this next email is from morgan they then who says i was obsessed with bad girls club as a teen i don't know i don't know i wasn't like cool enough to watch reality shows i feel like it took me a long time to even understand. I went on an IMDb list of reality TV shows. Yeah. I didn't know most of them.

Really? I was shocked. Yeah, we also didn't have. Because I watch a good amount. We didn't have channels like Bravo and stuff. And I feel like that also made a big difference. But so, okay, Morgan says they were obsessed with Bad Girls Club as a teenager. And they say, I think it was a mixture of living through people who punched each other because I could never and discovering my gayness.

It was peak trash. So this is a review Morgan sent. Is that like there's a want to punch people? I think it's sort of like living vicariously through these people that can hit each other while I can't hit people. Yeah, because you're like 12 and you're not going to go punch somebody. Got it. vicariously through these people that can hit each other while i can't hit 12 and you're not gonna go punch somebody okay because i think the idea is that they're sort of like out of control like uh here let me see charismatic tough chicks they enjoyed a luxurious lifestyle in a mansion for three months during which they obeyed specific rules this is a club for bad girls one might say oh you could you could put it that way uh i would argue that's pretty accurate seven aggressive quarrelsome and unruly women is

another description why didn't they name it the quarrelsome girl club that sounds so much better the because it was too close to qvc the qgc um they wanted to have their own branding you know um so this is a review morgan sent uh and they wrote here's a review definitely not written by a child so it's from common sense media um it's written by nikki comma adult who says it's for 10 plus ages 10 plus and the title of the read is it depends listen it really depends on the maturity level of your child my daughter is 10 but very mature so i allow her to watch this she just watches it for fun but she also know not to do what the girls are doing drugs sex i've watched

the show too and i think it's fine just as long as you're not immature and doing what the girls are doing this title contains great messages sexy stuff and too much swearing end of review a 10 year old i don't know i've never watched the show but the way they're like oh it's got all this terrible stuff but i mean we were 10 year olds mature i don't know i was still watching arthur at that age so i don't i don't think i'm the right barometer for this but uh if i came over and leona was watching bad girls club i wouldn't say anything to be fair i'm like i would be like okay whatever if that's allowed in this home i don't care like i don't think that she's going to be morally ruined by it but what if i'm babysitting would i put that on for her probably not would you argue your case

to me as the parent probably not yeah i probably would if you said don't let her watch that i wouldn't be like but christina she's so mature it just has sexy stuff and too much swearing. It's just some quarrelsome girls. She's learning big words like quarrelsome. Honestly, you could tell me I thought it was QVC. And I thought it was a wholesome QVC. But no, it's QGC. Quarrelsome Girls Club.

Oh my god, QGC. I bet Valerie Parr Hill is in the quarrelsome girls talk about quarrelsome and unruly that one okay uh my next one is of the bachelor which i like i said i i watched this last season of the bachelor i watched the last season of the bachelorette last season of bachelor in paradise and i'm gonna continue to watch and i've been like into the drama outside of the actual shows like in the off season it is a fascinating world there's some weird stuff that's not an understatement but yeah yeah and it's it's deep it goes deep and there's so much to it i would hesitate to say it's deep in that con like i don't know if it's very deep for a shallow show right it goes

deep the drama goes deep because every every season there's so many new contestants and so then it's more people to judge on social media when they do terrible things it's wild anyway um here's a one star review sorry one out of ten review. Wow. Titled, Three Wishes. If the proverbial genie gave me three wishes, one would be the elimination of everything that ever had or ever will be to do with this show. Maybe even with only two wishes. End of review. Wait, what? I don't know what that meant.

What? So they were like, even if i only got two wishes yeah oh i see that makes sense for some reason i did not understand but if i got one wish i'd wish for three million wishes yeah i don't know what the other wish it wouldn't be their one wish but it would be their one of two number two or number three yes actually yeah i wonder what number one is i'm a little annoyed that we can't use that as a as a you know rating system to figure out how important this must be to this person maybe they would put themselves in there as the bachelor or bachelorette and then that would be their first wish what and then wish for that and then ever yep wish that it

all never happened so they could at least experience it before destroying it. Before never existing in the first place? No, never existing in that world, but they would still exist. No, because it said anything to do with the show would disappear forever. Oh, it would be eliminated. Yeah, exactly. Oh, dear God, that's dramatic. I think this sounds like an argument we had when we were like five or ten.

The semantics of some random thing that has no impact on our lives i'm gonna be honest with you that word semantics is a trigger word for me i'm like don't even start about semantics of an argument um let's see next up i have another review of qvc i mean bad girls club and it is a four-star review also written by an adult quote-unquote uh and it's a four-star review on common sense media this was also sent in by morgan and the title is a kid's gonna learn about this sometime dot dot dot oh to be honest i don't mind my daughter watching this oh by the way this person also says it's for ages 10 plus what i know to be honest i don't mind my daughter watching this sure there's some violence or popping of the cherry what

the way they said that is as if those two are the same and go hand in hand which they don't this person should be teaching their 10 year old about any they should find a different person to teach them about the ways of the world because i think they're confused oh boy sure there's some violence or popping of the cherry but a kid's gonna learn this stuff sometime i mean you haven't so i feel like right when are they You know what I mean? Maybe that's why they let their kid watch it. Maybe their kid can learn something. They're just learning a thing or two.

Sorry, this is, I know you're probably not done. No, I keep interrupting. Remember how we listened to that song by Cherry Poppin' Daddies all the time? Yeah. And not realizing what the name of the artist meant? Yeah. That's all. Well, we've brought them up on this show before.

True. And it was when they were performing at a festival and i think it was the festival in washington where it was the squirrel festival oh right mate christina i have no idea the cherry poppin daddies were playing at a squirrel festival i'm pretty sure like could you imagine like if someone who had never heard of them and you asked them what genre of music the Cherry Poppin' Daddies play, what would one say? Like, what do you think? Do you even know? They're like jazz cats.

They're like ska or something. Which is so, I guess it fits, but I don't know. It's just so unique. Anyway, excuse me for the Cherry poppin' daddy's sidebar. I guess you gotta learn sometime, you know. Besides, I'm sure my daughter is probably doing some of the stuff on the show. And that's okay. She might be learning how to, comma, quote, twerk, question mark, quote, comma.

Oh, no. The punctuation made it so much worse. Here we go. There's a lot of effort put into the punctuation for the single twerk. I had to frame the word twerk. She might be learning how to twerk and use hands, but she has to learn what she needs to survive in this world. Plus, there are positive messages displayed by the cast on how to survive the house, as well as even how to be yourself.

This show is perfectly fine. This title contains great messages, great role models, too much violence, sexy stuff, too much swearing, and too much drinking, drugs, and smoking. End of review. Jeez. She might be learning how to work i mean i don't even know what to say christina i need to watch the show twerking i feel like is something you need to learn to survive in this world that's true in this crazy world of ours uh so i guess if my daughter does take twerking away it also on my show i'm happy i'm gonna be happy it also talked about surviving in the house that they were in right yeah why are those skills relevant right exactly what situation is your daughter going to

be in in what 10 year old can take those skills presumably throwing hands and twerking are the the yeah the main ways to survive the house. Yeah. How do they translate to a 10-year-old's life? I'm not sure. But, you know, she's probably doing some of the stuff on the show. I really hope not. I mean.

But, I mean, maybe. Hey, I'm no parent. I'm just going to say that. And just I have no idea how parenting works but if uh bad girls club is part of your parenting style hey power to you yeah not more power but something you do you yeah with who you want to do you with oh boy uh my next one this is actually a review of a show that's a former mayor of Cincinnati has a TV show. Hey. I don't know if you know, but yeah, Jerry Springer.

Love him. Not really, but. When we in high school. So, yes, Jerry Springer, everyone was is a former mayor of Cincinnati, Ohio. When we were little or when I was in eighth grade with my French like foreign exchange student no no not eighth grade it was in high school we went down to the city hall or whatever in Cincinnati to meet the mayor oh god and all earlier we went to the mayor's office or whatever and I just wanted to find the like picture of Jerry Springer well as you should I didn't even care I think so yeah

I don't remember it was weird it was really boring yeah it sounds boring yeah and the whole french foreign exchange thing my experience was very unique and interesting so mine too we both had a very um strange time uh jerry springer yeah jerry springer is basically i have a review of the jerry Springer show excellent if you're not familiar I gotta acknowledge I found out we have a lot of Australian viewers we do viewers listeners okay I don't know how many but I found out enough

where I've been told a lot about my failures as a fan of Australian slang and lingo I see Gaza Gaza which is yeah like you said was is a nickname short for gary yeah and then uh what was the other thing how you going oh yeah you're going that's it's like sketchy yeah same thing yeah so which i think i did a decent job i got the i got the message the way you described

to all of our people who don't know what jerry springer the jerry springer show is it's loosely i'll say a talk show um it's truly how do you fucking explain jerry springer show uh i'm just gonna look it up um oh wow okay it says oh this is the description that came up i saw it you did okay it says tasteless talk shows come and go but one one magazine declared this long running daytime chat fest the worst show in the history of television. Loaded with bleeped profanity and guests who aren't afraid to embarrass themselves on national TV. Jerry Springer features a host who is the anti-Oprah aiming his show squarely at viewers who rubberneck in traffic accidents. The former Cincinnati mayor. Did they have to include that? Okay. his show squarely at viewers who rubberneck in traffic accidents the former cincinnati mayor did they have to include that okay the former cincinnati mayor must be doing something right because the

show celebrates its milestone 25th season it's ridiculous yeah so i guess it stopped airing in 2018 but it went from 91 to 2018 a long time that's a long time yeah um here's a review one out of ten titled trailer park trash tv the real face of america today dot dot dot um and by america today this person means america in 2010 which is when this review was written dark times here we go this show is without question a national disgrace it's no wonder people in other countries think americans are nothing but a bunch of fat ignorant bonehead boneheads fat ignorant sorry ugliness crying a little bit he's a tear coming out of his eye and it's really hard for him to say this sentence he's talking about me he's taking it's like a look in the mirror

close to home americans are nothing but a bunch of fat ignorant boneheads why is that so hard to say together ignorant boneheads fat ignorant boneheads i don't have a problem with it you're so good you say it a lot i say it all the time where do they find these creeps to be on this show are people's lives really this bankrupt to go in front of a national audience to yell and scream profanities about who slept with who and what child may have been fathered by some lowlife? If you have ever listened to Jerry Springer talk about important topics regarding politics, you will discover he really is a smart, well-informed man. I mean, he used to be the mayor of Cincinnati. He really must have been offered a

lot of money to be a part of this pathetic show. America's greatest generation was without a doubt during the 1940s. What has happened in the time since? Americans used to be an honorable people who had self-respect and would never be caught dead on a show like this. Can only wonder what it will be like in 60 years. End of review. Wow. Maybe women will even be paid the same amount that would be shocking what a disgrace oh my goodness and also weirdly defending jerry springer himself as if he's just in this for the money well what you don't remember is that he was born presumably in the 1940s in uh i believe in a bunker no i think yeah in a subway station and uh sorry uh what are they called a tube station in london i

believe yeah so during world war ii yeah so this person misses the 40s that's pretty wild statement i feel like i've heard people say i miss the 50s and again also wild a wild statement but the 40s did include pretty prominent worldwide catastrophes so it is hard for me to imagine that you'd miss that kind of day and age but i guess um it kind of says a lot about who this person is yeah and actually i was curious about this person so i went to their profile to see what else they reviewed. Turner Classic Movies only? No. Sounds about right. But they had a review that I would like to read.

This is of Noah's Ark, 1999. Goodness gracious. Okay. So this is a description. Adaptation of the biblical stories of Noah and Lot and how God destroyed the world due to the evil of mankind. And it stars freaking Jon Voight. I don't even know who that is. Oh, wait.

Yes, I do. Dad in National Treasure. Also, like, very conservative. Like, I think he ties to the NRA and stuff. He's problematic, I think. Oh, my God. It has, like, a decent cast. Well, he was born in 1938, Jon's problematic, I think. Oh, my God. It has a decent cast. Well, he was born in 1938, John Voight, so he must be a good guy, I feel like.

Garcia, it has the mom from Step Brothers, Mary Steenburgen. Oh, I love her. She's also the mom in Elf. Oh, duh. Yeah, true. Anyway. Okay, so here is a review of Noah's Ark. Do you want to guess what it's...

Oh, she's also in Noah's Ark, I think. Do you want to guess this person's feelings about Noah's Ark? I would say it represents what this country could be and should be, maybe. I don't know. It reminds them of better days 2,000 years ago. Okay. Okay. Interesting. Interesting. John Voight is a national treasure. Get it? Oh, that's a good one.

Well, they actually gave it a 1 out of 10. Oh, no. And here's how they felt. So I'm sorry this isn't a reality TV, but... Actually. Well, actually. This has to be the most absurd story ever told not that it makes a difference that it was made into a movie but that people really watch this and believe that it really happened let's be honest here do you really think that two of every animal marched step by step onto a boat 400 feet long that floated on a planet completely covered by water yes think about

how much water it would take to cover the highest point on Earth, which is just over 29,000 feet. And assuming there is a god, why flood the planet? Why not just kill off the bad, evil people and spare Noah the trouble of building a boat? Some people might think that the story of Noah's Ark might make a good children's story, but it is far from that.

It is a story about genocide, horror, and incest. I mean, only Noah's family was spared, so who else were they going to have sex with to repopulate the human race? And aside from that, do you really suppose that Noah lived to be 500? Here is the issues with logic with the story of Noah's Ark. And then, here we go, is his list. Oh, I was hoping that was the list. I was like, okay, someone can't be 500. Wow, what a novel. That was just list. I was like, okay, so one can't be 500. Wow, what a novel.

That was just the intro. Fuck me. Okay. Number one, how were the animals gathered? Would have been a bit hard to find a polar bear in the desert. Number two, what about the special diets of the animals? How did they bring the food along and how was it stored? What about storing fresh water?

Three, getting all the animals aboard the ark presents logistical problems, which, while not impossible, are highly impractical. If only 16,000 animals were aboard the Ark, one animal must have been loaded every 38 seconds without let up. Do they just, okay. Like, first of all, duh. Okay, maybe it's just me, but like, even I knew this at age five. Like, that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but whatever. I think this person might have had a run in with someone who actually does believe this, but yes, I agree. I feel like most people are like, yeah, it's very illogical.

I feel like most people have at least a little bit of common sense to be like, that doesn't quite track. But I mean, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there really are genuinely a lot of people who think that this happened i wouldn't be surprised i guess so i i i think that this person is going way too far and they're they're convinced they're not going to convince anyone who already believes it that's what it is maybe i'm like a lot of people fight on the internet but like this is an absurd argument to be having like with yourself in a review, you know? Number four, how do you explain the relative ages of mountains?

For example, why aren't the Sierra Nevadas eroded as much as the Appalachians during the flood? Number five, are we to believe that after the ark came to rest on Mount Ararat that all the animals just wandered back to their present locations? Number six, what happened to all the water that covered the earth? wandered back to their present locations number six what happened to all the water that covered the earth and then after the list i have made a fatal mistake here i have used logic to explain something that makes no sense and is beyond absurd logic is something that people of faith do not like john voight must have been hurting for money to be a part of this project end of review wow so i was way off base way off base they are not having it with john voy he was not born in the 40s he was born 1938 didn't make

the cut no but same thing he it's same with jerry springer it's literally like defending them oh what did it say it said he must have been low on money that he did it just for financial gain so maybe when john voy probably is into this. OK, so the project for other reasons. They're probably looking at Jerry Springer and John Voight like, guys, come on. Yeah. Where's the logic? Yeah.

Are you that desperate? You're smart, guys. Why are you doing this kind of thing? Instead of like thinking that, I don't know, like Jerry, like Jerry Springer knows what he's doing. Like it's not, of course course but it's not like he's just like he got suckered into this for money yeah I don't know

anyway I think this person has a weird angle on life and media that they're focused I mean I just thought it was so wild those are the only two they've reviewed no that was just the most recent one.

Oh, no. Oh, no. It just like popped up immediately when I went to their profile. Is there anything they've rated 10 stars or positively? They've rated a lot of stuff. I was clearly very off base with the Noah's Ark opinion. So I wonder like if there's anything. They're not into reality TV because this country is going down the tubes.

They're not into Noah's Ark because religion is ridiculous. Christina. What? Nothing is positive. Oh, well, that explains it. That actually makes a little more sense to me. They just have a critical view of everything. Jesus.

Yeah. Sorry. I'm just scrolling through. It's all negative? So far. I don't see the numbers, but like all the titles are negative. And just like digs it. My goodness.

Okay. Yeah. So it's just one of those kinds of people. Super fun. It must be fun at parties though. Yes. Especially children's parties. You really think, how did they get zebra food on the boat?

Answer me that, Timothy. Oh my God, this is absurd. A six, a seven, and an eight are in here, but most of them are like between one and four. Wow. They gave the Blair Witch Project an eight out of ten. Okay. And they gave a 2008 movie titled Life After People a ten out of ten. Uh-oh.

It's giving some insight. A History Channel documentary about the ghostly villages surrounding chernobyl so specific is this a listener of my other podcast yeah i christina i'm reading all of this is one one one one two three one one one three four one one christina this person is just so negative. Yeah, I can sort of sense that. Anyway, sorry. You go.

Thank you, Sister Act 2, back in the habit of one out of ten. Well, that's just too far. Entitled it, Nuns Are Not Funny. Oh, I do. And then said, what is it that people think are so funny about nuns? Oh, my God. Let me count the ways this is hilarious they've reviewed growing pains a show entitled their review groaning pains you know this is hilarious what year were these reviews written like 2009 at this like all of these are so worried this person listens to the show and is having like a moment of, oh shit.

Their most recent was 2011. Oh no. They rated Dumbo a 1 out of 10. Same. This is so, oh no, I'm an idiot. They rated Rambo 3 a 1 out of 10. You thought I said dump. Their title, it's also bold.

So the title of the movie and the title of the review are bold. Their title, it's also bold. So the title of the movie and the title of the review are bold. Dumbo is the name of their review for Rambo 3. Oh my god. Because I started to read it and it was about Vietnam and I was like, what? They rated Dumbo 10 out of 10. Okay, I'm sorry. I can't believe they gave Sister Act 2 a 1 out of 10 they gave titanic a 7

get out of here not without flaws dot dot dot so even when they give a positive review they have to like okay i am done your turn you sure you're done no dirty dancing a 1 out of 10 and called it dorky Dancing. To be fair, I would watch that. I would watch that. Oh, man. That's so funny. Okay, okay.

That was a good end. Dorky Dancing. I love Dirty Dancing. Sorry, the action of Dirty Dancing, not the movie. Ew. Just kidding. Ew. That kidding. Ew.

Two freshly cracked eggs any way you like them. Three strips of naturally smoked bacon and a side of toast. Only $6 at A&W's in Ontario. Experience A&W's classic breakfast on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. Okay, this is an email from Britt Sheher, and it's a review of jersey shore never watched it you know i don't think i did either i feel like uh i've watched clips and stuff but i never really got like watched the show unfortunately that was popular during my phase of i'm too cool for what's on tv i think that's not really an unfortunate side effect of that phase of yours

i mean maybe but i know you missed out on some entertaining TV. I was also very judgy, which is not a good thing to be. No, but we're learning. We're growing. We're learning. We're expanding our horizons. I've got lots of groaning pains. Groaning pains.

We're dorky dancing. This is a review by a child who believes that Jersey Shore is for ages 10 plus and gave this a one star review with the title stupid. All the kids watch it at my school. Even my best friend. What's so enjoyable about it? Just seeing a bunch of Italians. Now that's spelled like that that shocked me like why are you saying it like that that was just like what

never heard you say it like that is that bad to say i don't think necessarily i i don't know i've known people who legitimately say that but not like meaning any i don't know the way you said it sounded so bad for some reason i didn't mean it in a derogatory way i know but there because it's there's like a i don't know something about that like just sent shivers down my spine oh no okay uh how is it spelled it's probably not even spelled that way that's just how i read it it's spelled i-t-t-a-l-i-a-n-s i don't even know i guess i just wanted it to be clear that it was misspelled so that was my only way of mispronouncing it um sorry the fact that i said this was written by a child

i don't know why it's like for some reason it just sounded so negative yeah um like it makes me think of like i don't know he's brad pitt i think says like that in glorious bastard or something that's my um but i have i know a specific person who does say that i hope that wasn't really offensive that i said that i don't think it is for some reason though the way you said it like shocked me i think i just reacted negatively because i hated it but not because i felt like you were doing something wrong okay uh well you know people on reddit are saying people say that if they're because americans are philistines i'm just reading some comments uh to signal that they're uh uneducated um anyway so to annoy my dad says somebody so i i don't i don't know. I apologize if I offended anybody.

Let's just go back to this. What's so enjoyable about it? Just seeing a bunch of Italians be drunk and party all day. It's stupid and they can all die. This title contains sexy stuff. Too much swearing and too much drinking. It's like they're just mad that their friends are being taken away from them so transparent it's like even my best friend watches it what's so great about it they're growing apart from their friend group because of the things that they're

all interested in yeah they're lashing out it's sad kills snooki over it i know i feel like they oh it yeah that's so sad you can definitely see you know it's just like some kids don't can't offer their friends what jersey shore can it's like when my friends started smoking pot and i was very straight edge and then we weren't really friends anymore and they said you don't look at me now and they said you don't get... Don't look at me now. And they said, you don't get as high like Pot does. You said, what's so great about it? And I said, I wish Pot would go and die. Thank God it didn't. Thank God it didn't.

And this user, whose name is Hello Kitty, by the way, Cute. says, I can't offer my friends the same level of entertainment and enjoyment as Snooki and her many relations. Oh, I see. Yes. It's just sad. Yeah. That is so sad.

You know? So, anyway. Sorry I've kind of created a chaotic middle there. Christina, we're just constant chaos here. My pronunciation. Christina, that shook me to my core. Did you see my react? Yes. I freaked out. second i was like oh my god apparently i'm not supposed to say that no it's some the person who i know who says that was the last person i heard say it like that

and that person is not someone i want to talk to ever again sorry that i so it like shook me because of that reason i brought that person i think subconsciously it's like to your ruined for me because of that sorry that's okay it wasn't your fault you didn't know uh i have a review of a show that actually nicole brought up uh when writing writing in oh boy i have a few too next oh no oh good because i have a review of next i loved this show i loved it and i watched it recently and i'm like holy fuck is this bad it aged i mean like many mtv shows it aged so poorly it's really bad sinner do you remember room raiders yeah i like these shows. Do you remember Date My Mom? Yep. What the hell? No, it was a wild time. And very, like, for me, I feel like since we went to Catholic school, somewhat like sheltered in many ways, that era of TV was really entertaining for me because I was like, holy, what is this? It was jarring. It was very jarring. And I was like holy what is it was jarring it was very

jarring but and i was shocked at a lot of it but i was i felt so excited getting to watch it because i felt i was like what is this world i'm not i had like when i think about those shows noah's ark it's no noah's ark um what what was i gonna say uh next oh yeah should i read what next oh i have this oh you do great renee and i one time watched i think it was 13 hours of next over a saturday night and ate like six boxes of mike nikes it was all on hulu and charleston chews we just sat there and i mean i think our brains probably rotted quite substantially that would explain a lot because after you've never been the same since that night i had you you picked me up and i was like i was like my world has kind of split in two uh so anyway yeah i would love if

you gave a synopsis so it's a reality-based dating show in which five dates have been lined up for the contestant the contestant can opt to declare next at any time to reject his current option and carry on with the next or if rejecting all five go home alone with a monetary consolation prize that does not do it justice that's not even that is a terrible terrible kidding me they would get on a next bus okay there'd be a bus of people and they would all be somebody would always be wearing a shiny vest one of the men like they were just some wild outfits the girls were wearing these high heels and they would all be wearing a shiny vest, one of the men. Like, they were just some wild outfits. The girls were wearing these high heels, and they would all be on a next bus together. Very, like, just early 2000s, like, style.

And attitude and personality. It was very... Definitely very heteronormative, of course. Extremely. And so they would, like, get on the bus and all, all like compare with each other and make like weird euphemisms. And then one of the contestants would get off the bus and the person who's like, I won't say it, like the person who gets to choose their, you know, dating partners would be standing there. And the worst was when this person would get two steps down this bus and they'd be like, next. Because they'd see them and wouldn't like what they looked like.

Judge them on their appearance. Yeah. And so they'd just say next and send them back in the bus and one of my favorite parts is that every time somebody walked off the bus you would see three facts about them yes now these are facts is a loose term because oftentimes it would say has a large belly button and you were like what like there's always one that's just absolutely wild it's like loves green jello has a large belly button likes to sing in the shower and you're like what the fuck kind of who is this person yeah there's like here's one ashley 20 collects starburst wrappers idolizes bob barker pooped in a box and mailed it to her ex-boyfriend

it was always like so jarring and so you had no i think the thing about it was you had no idea what to expect like it was so off the wall uh holly 19 nicknamed gump failed her driving test four times burps and farts while eating limes like what it's just so fucking bizarre so yeah and then they do these like weird dates where they have to do really awkward things together and make really weird comments at each other and eventually uh the person either says next so then another person comes out of the bus or they say hey you can either take the money that you earned by spending time on the date because for every minute they got a dollar, I believe. Yeah. So if you did a 40-minute date, you can either take the $40 or go on another date if they enjoy themselves. So sometimes the person, in an act of solidarity with the people on the bus, would say,

I'll take the money. Then go on the bus and be like, I took the money. And everyone's cheering. Yeah. It was always my favorite. That's so fun. Especially when the person was really rude and was like next next next and then the person they actually liked would go back on the bus with the money and be like i took the money

hang out with the boys it was really stupid we can all share this four dollars i just won cheapest reality show ever probably for mtv um just that bus they probably had to pay some good money for but anyway okay so here's a review of next uh you did a much better job explaining that than i'm annoyed that i even read that synopsis it's terrible ridiculous but this might give you some more information everybody this is titled parents beware this show is one of the most horrible shows on the airways. The young adults, if you can call them that, are extremely promiscuous and talk vividly about sex. It is not what I consider entertaining TV for my teenage girls or anyone's for that matter. No wonder the producers of this show have to pay people to be on it for minutes at a time.

I'm sure if they didn't, they wouldn't have a show. MTV used to be great when I was in my teens and 20s. I don't even think they play music anymore. Do they? After watching an episode of Next, I had to make my girls change the channel

while avoiding their questions as to what a pearl necklace was. And you might think that this is the year 2007 and I should get with the program, but morality never goes out of style. End of review. That's what I always say.

Morality never goes out of style. That's the most cringe thing I've ever heard. That was in 2007. Morality. Okay. Morality never goes out of style. Yikes. Voted for Trump, I bet.

2007 was a long time ago. I time ago i can't make that call um holy crap uh what's a pearl necklace oh dear do i know what that is i mean apparently not if you're asking me about it and you want me to tell you what it is i laughed because i was like oh right and then i was like wait actually do i even know what that is okay i'll look it up i'll write urban dictionary uh oh oh oh no yeah oh no what did i expect i don't know i mean if it's it's pretty like oh my gosh you know what alexander morality never goes out of style is what i want to say to the author of this Urban Dictionary posting. This was written by this user, 2003, tit-obsessed wankophile. What?

What? They didn't ban me yet? Oh my god, my profile's still active yeah no um wow okay sorry holy shit christina i don't know what i'm gonna do with myself i've never looked at urban dictionary users names either but it really just that is a shot that'll jump out at you stood out to me you know i mean despite all the other words on the page which were also pretty shocking um so okay i'm sorry can you imagine your mom you don't just don't watch next with your mom is my recommendation yeah because i'm pretty sure if my mom knew i watched 16 hours of it and didn't sleep all night i think well maybe she found out because i came home looking really perturbed yeah and you

were muttering about pearl necklaces it was really weird mom had to ask me what it was no yeah i feel like that is not a show to well you know i say that but there was the other hit show date my mom in which uh a boy would date quote unquote uh somebody's mom and then decide if he would go out with her daughter based on it was just another one of these morality is out the window situations i just that kind of tv that era of tv was like the wild wild west when it came to reality shows like they just did whatever the fuck they wanted on that mtv those mtv reality dating shows and they the one now what's the one now are you the one

oh yeah that is still fucking wild like that's the one d and i we watched it and we were blown away have i watched it i don't know no i'm thinking of love is blind okay oh yeah very different are you the one is unapologetically trashy like it is it is they get them so drunk i mean i know this is kind of like the playbook but they just get them so drunk so that there's drama and it is insanity like they they're fights every season and it's like and it's like literally about finding love yeah of course this constant awful drama i mean drunkenness you You and I watched some seasons of or at least some episodes of 90 Day Fiance. And that alone is just you feel like, how can this be real? Yeah.

Or even remotely real. It's just shocking. And there's so much of that one. That's what's so wild. I think about. I need to watch more of that show. But for Are You The One? What I would recommend people watch is one.

I think it was season. I'm trying to find the exact season. I think it was season eight, the last season. Wait, of course I watched Are You The One. This is the one. That's the one. This is the one that Em fucking watched without me. Yeah.

Oh, you watched then too? I remember that being a thing. No, Em and I watched a season together and then we started a new season yeah and then in the background of one of m's fucking instagram stories i saw them watching it with rj and alison and i like my heart was broken into a million pieces because that was like our show um and m and i had like a whole spreadsheet and we were like and i did our spreadsheet man it was so fun um and now i just feel really heartbroken about it and it hurts my feelings well you should watch season eight because everyone on that season is by so it's see that's the one em and i that em i think watched without me oh yeah that's the best

one i'm heartbroken about it because that's one i was so excited to watch that one is literally anyone could be your match chaos and it was fantastic that i want to watch honestly that one i mean there was of course drama but it wasn't as like typical so like in the other seasons it was very much like these like macho like right guys would get all like hyped up and angry and like it was just but she's my girl season eight it was just like it was still very dramatic but it was i don't know it was so good but see now i don't want to watch it alone so i'm just kind of like heartbroken so yeah understand cry that's when you're supposed to say oh i'll watch it with you but oh i'd watch it again sure um all right so next up is it my turn yep okay i have a review another review of jersey shore that was sent in by brit this might be my favorite

review okay ever it's a one-star view ever yeah by kent it was all fun until the bisexuals arrived are you joking oh wait hang on brit said it i thought brit said it was jersey shore but now i'm looking at the screenshot and it says are you the one oh it must be are you the one that makes sense that's wild that you just i was like i thought that was a joke to be fair the timing was weird because it was my next review and i really is weird i really did not know that it was about are you the one brit i'm sorry i must have like misunderstood um the email they so it was all so what how many they gave it a one oh i didn't see in here yeah they wrote i also found this for are you the one the other reviews were all jersey shot i got it um but yeah so uh it was all one star it was all fun until the bisexuals arrived um no it was more fun when the bisexuals arrived please i feel like that is uh pretty accurate for anything

that's what i thought it was for jersey shore i was like what a wild thing yeah that is wild okay that makes a lot more sense it is weird timing it's still very weird that you had that next but yeah sorry brit i was probably having a heart attack like that's not what i said Okay, that makes a lot more sense. It is weird timing. It's still very weird that you had that next. But yeah, sorry, Brit. I was probably having a heart attack. Like, that's not what I said. I apologize. So anyway.

Also, I want that to be our next pin. It's all fun and games until the bisexuals arrive. I want our next pin to be about morality. Morality never going out of style. My next review is of Cheaters. Wait a second. What's that? Cheaters is when it's people who think their significant other is cheating on them.

They hire a hidden camera crew to investigate their suspicions. Did we watch this? Yes, we have watched it. It is very exploitative and insane. Of course. What year was this? This was, let's see, 2000 until now, apparently. Oh my God.

I kind of don't believe that. Is it really still happening? 2000, I feel like I could have guessed. 569 episodes. Holy shit. Season one was in 2000. Season 15 was in 2014. that was like the most recent season and then there's a question mark at the end so maybe it's technically they're like

they might still do it or something i don't know maybe the producer keeps the director keeps giving like um sly answers like who knows it could come back just to keep it on imdb is like right just keep it active um so this is my last review that i have and maybe one of the most insane ones that i've ever had oh no okay yeah it is wild so like i said the whole concept of cheaters is people think that they're significant others cheating on them so they hire a crew to like go and film and then they have a whole uh like they like sometimes catch them in the act and there's this huge fight and there's all this shit going on it's really fucked up i'm like not remembering like i'm remembering it like they'll barge into a hotel room or a motel room oh i, I just saw the logo of it.

And I absolutely remember the logo of it. So yeah, we definitely watch this as kids. So here's a review titled Propaganda. There's a growing trend in the media to vilify and ridicule men. One sees it in television adverts and program plots. Five stars out of five. Oh no, is that not the vibe we're going with? No, not the vibe. Oh, sorry.

Cheaters is a prime example. They could find plenty of female cheaters, yet the vast majority shown are men. Why? The prime threat to any government's power resides in the male population. They're less likely to abide by authority and are more of a physical combat threat.

A way to reduce the threat is to emasculate men in society via the media. You think he voted Hillary? I think probably, yeah. Why do you always have, like, want to figure out the voting history of these people? Because I'm just thinking of, like, the exact person this person is picturing. like it's a woman in a pantsuit and i'm thinking who which woman what are you talking about they're talking about men this reviewer is saying the government is trying to emasculate men and i'm just thinking like hillary was probably his worst nightmare she who was she emasculating no but that was like always a thing like oh this

woman showing up she's a yeah the first woman okay yes no i i this person is misogynistic as shit yeah so yeah but it made sense to me let me know folks if you get what i'm saying please don't let us know no let me know that didn't make me feel like a dummy over here no not dumb it's just i don't get like i don't know all right i assume this person did not vote for hillary clinton i agree with you like that was never a question i just feel like that's the exact part like the exact person that this guy is describing when he's saying but he's not describing a woman that's why i'm like he's talking about media and like representation in media not like a woman running for president i'm just like very different things in my mind so i was like what they literally talk okay whatever it's not even over yet okay

we've got more examples this is what the person is talking about, ready? Other examples of psychological propaganda are crime dramas full of self-righteous cops, including big-jawed aggressive women accusing everyone they question, trampling their rights, and making those men feel like scum. In Australia, many top male sports stars have been arrested recently for dubious assaults and drinking charges. Oh, God. recently for dubious assaults and drinking charges. Another example of the government controlling the male populace by arresting their heroes and asserting dominance. Cheaters, aside from the political machinations, is an invasion of privacy and a violation of rights. Furthermore, most of these women assault the men. If it were round the other way, the men would be in jail.

If it were an honest show, they would be finding women cheaters because they don't normally get caught due to the fact that their male lovers are quite happy to get in no strings attached and get out without rocking the boat. Men's mistresses want the men to themselves and want to own and control the men and thus get the men caught anyway. End of review. That caught wild there. It's weird, right? It got wild at the end there. And this was their of review that caught wild it's weird right it got wild at the end there and this was their only review that i'm pretty sure to have these opinions is pretty wild pretty extreme but to put these opinions to sum them up in a review of the show cheaters and written in 2008 like the show started in 2000 so i guess it was still going on but like the fact that

it's just so weird that it was their only one and seven out of 21 people found it helpful yikes i don't like that where are those people i'm scared of them i don't want to come run into them no i don't either don't go to the anti-cheaters rally, I guess. Oh, man. I know. They have the best swag. Gotta cancel. Oh. They have those holographic stickers. The cheaters does? Oh.

Is that what you have on your laptop right now? Yeah. Anti-cheaters. That's why Blaze was wondering if you had any suspicions or something he was not he's doing anything he was like does she think i'm cheating he's like if so i'd be happy to get out with no strings attached i don't want to rock the boat do you seriously not get my hillary clinton thing i just feel like everyone like the last review i read you said this guy voted for trump okay this one you voted this guy

voted for hillary it didn't vote thing no but like i i'm talking about like you're not wrong no but i'm talking about like people always say like oh hillary has the media in her back pocket and she wears pantsuits she's trying to emasculate men and she's this like manly woman and like this literally is exactly the kind of yeah but jargon that this person would say yeah this person didn't definitely didn't vote for hillary clinton i know i know but like okay fine you know what i don't know why this is you could the thing is he's about to pull the semantics word out on me you could list like a hundred thousand maybe maybe billions of women that this person would be against i know but what like hillary clinton isn't relevant right now anyway like that's all i'm not trying to be sorry it's

irrelevant it's not a political okay i don't know not like i don't know i was just my mistake okay neither is next all right next isn't political is that what you just said not relevant oh not relevant i was gonna say and yet we talked about it for 20 minutes no not okay this is an email from sanaya she her about the show megan wants a millionaire which was mentioned in the initial i suggestion. Is it like, what's that one with the average Joe million? Never mind. I have no idea. There's like one person who has a million dollars. One person's a millionaire and the other person isn't.

Oh, yeah. That was a fun show, too. Okay. Well, here we go. It's apparently a spinoff of Rock of Love with brett michaels oh you know it's good wow okay the spinoffs were wild any spinoff there's so many that i didn't jerry springer's head of security has a spinoff show that's still happening god i forgot about that i bet he has a lot to say okay here we go so this is a description of megan wants a

millionaire celeb reality vixen megan hauserman is looking for love and money she missed out on the former in the second rock of love with brett michaels and was denied the 250 000 prize in i love money will the third time take the cake here megan puts 18 single millionaires to the test in her quest to become the ultimate trophy wife with the challenges aimed at weeding out the men who refuse to shell out the dough for the increasingly expensive dates until megan finds the right man with the right bank account what What the actual- This sounds amazing. Number of episodes aired before cancellation. Three.

That's it? Yes, I said it. Fuck. Darn, I'm disappointed. But that can't be right. Maybe they mean three seasons. Look, if these millionaires want to spend their money doing that stupid shit, I love it. I'll watch it. No, it has more episodes.

I think it just has one season it has like six episodes wow so um i will say on common sense media it does have a one out of five so that's unfortunate um it has a one out of five i can't imagine why i can't imagine why either uh and so this is a review um OK, let me just say real quick. Rewind. Sanaya says I'm saying Sanaya, right? She says, I literally screamed from the phone when you read the reality show challenge from your last episode because it mentioned Megan was a millionaire. The little known spinoff of Rock of Love that was canceled after only a few episodes.

Oh, you're just now reading this email no i promise i read it but i don't think i pieced together like it was canceled after a few episodes oh what happened because one of the contestants murdered his wife well this took a turn i know i was like that can't be right that there's only a few episodes but i forgot that like she mentioned the reason it was canceled was because of this because i knew this okay the man in question ryan jenkins placed second overall in megan wants a millionaire and went to compete and win season three of i love money before both of these shows were able to air holy shit ryan murdered his wife stuffed her body in a suitcase threw it in a dumpster then drove up to canada and unalived himself in a hotel room jesus it was a huge case at the time and forced

vh1 to start an internal investigation and pull two of their shows uh wow apparently this basically just like killed one of vh1 vh1's biggest franchises um and megan posted two or three of the episodes on her youtube channel recently and that's the only place you can watch them because i did just go on amazon prime and it's not available um and she's okay so senai says i know such a weirdly extensive amount of information about this series that it's my go-to topic whenever i'm invited to a drink talk learn party have you been invited to one of those the fuck is that okay i feel better about those words go together drink drink slash talk slash it's basically when i think that's what it is that's every party on that that's right now no it's not it's the powerpoint

ones that you see on tiktok i've never been invited to one of those me neither i'm sad because i feel like i would have so many fun ideas for these powerpoints too many i don't know what i would do so many those are great though we should we should host one go for it oh okay what i don't live here will somebody invite me to one just invite i mean you host one i'll be there um so she says uh i don't have any reviews but i thought you two might get a kick out of my powerpoint i made about the subject so she says uh i don't have any reviews but i thought you two might get a kick out of my powerpoint i made about the subject so she made a powerpoint specifically about this show um and it has like die i looked through it has like diagrams of like how they're all connected

and you know that kind of thing so i felt like i needed to throw that in there um just as a i swear god i had a megan wants a millionaire review here did i not maybe i don't let me just make sure you don't even have wait no i guess i don't have a review i think i just got so sucked into that like you just forgot which podcast you're on you're gonna do yeah i was covering it i'd be down okay well fortunately nicole also set a review of megan wants a millionaire because nico Nicole was the one who suggested the topic. And that was one of the shows that she brought up. So I'll just read one of Nicole's reviews that she sent in.

And it is written by a child. Good. 14 years ago. So it could very well be one of our listeners now. Scary thought. Might be Nicole. Three out of five stars. The title is, um, ew.

I watch this every Tuesday. So on Wednesday, I had something to talk to my guy friends about in study hall. So it's not a great show, but it isn't that bad. End of review. Talk to my guy friends. My guy friends. This is something that like it's so fast because this completely missed me like in my life. You know, I know.

I feel like we really missed the boat. I wonder if our lives would have been different. Dream. Maybe I'd have a life. I don't know. Maybe I'd be something. Maybe someone would have invited me to a talk, learn dorky dancing party whatever they're called dorky dancing um actually i just realized that was her view of tequila tequila so anyway i'm all over the place i apologize what is happening it doesn't matter that's all the same nicole wrote in it while looking up

reviews of made once a millionaire so then i was like oh and i just clicked one of the reviews and then she wrote anyway here's reviews of tequila tequila so i am okay you know what nicole is misleading you a little bit your reading comprehension could be a little better but it seems like just wires are crossed here's a one-star view of me Wants a Millionaire on Common Sense Media by Adult K. Are you sure? Yep. One star.

Okay. All-around worst show ever. Absolutely the worst show I have ever seen since SpongeBob SquarePants. No. Is that what it says? Yep. The worst show since SpongeBob. That's, wow.

Hey, comparing those two, I feel like that's a big compliment for megan wants a million words um and here's a one-star review of written by a child um who says that megan wants millionaire is appropriate for ages two plus and the title is it sucks majorly hate megan she has no good qualities and if she just went away right now that would be okay so um people these people on the site really want to like get rid of i know it's it's a little people on tv for common sense media i'm like yikes i don't even know who this is megan who like what's megan's like she was on these other shows yeah but has she been doing any megan hauserman yeah i guess she just put it up on her youtube channel interesting megan hauserman jesus rock of love

charm school oh boy apparently she's married and has a three-year-old daughter at least as of 2014. So presumably. Cool. I wonder if she's married to a millionaire. She's married to a professional golfer. Oh, so probably. Could be Darren Edward. Oh, my. I don't know what that means.

I'm looking at her vacation photos. I think maybe she probably is a millionaire. So good for her. I'm so happy for her. Megan wanted it. Megan got it. Megan got it. What she wanted.

Oh, want me to read her Instagram bio? Absolutely. VH1 reality alumni, Pumpkin Spice and Jesus Christ. To be more specific. Sounds like yours. Oh, wait. Sorry, that was mine. I was reading the wrong one. I was like, wait, what?

To be more specific, Pumpkin Spice, Pumpkin Emoji, wait. Sorry, that was mine. I was reading the wrong one. I was like, wait, what? To be more specific, pumpkin spice, pumpkin emoji, and Jesus Christ, white dove emoji. Ooh. So that's fun. Was she in Noah's Ark? Oh, actually, yeah. Wow. Probably. I should watch it.

I'm surprised she wasn't a millionaire from that box office hit. Yeah, good point. Well, I hear there was one review that really took her down. True. On IMDb, you know, really. True. it i'm surprised she wasn't a millionaire from that box office hit yeah good point like here there was one review that really took her down true on imdb you know really sent stuff in the wrong direction yep it looks like she really put her stuff on youtube i have a confession oh i had a crush on tequila tequila you did back in the day i feel like you told me that once and i like just refused to believe it yeah because i remember i used to watch that at dad's house because we got VH1 there. Yeah.

Now she's a flat earther. Yeah. She is. She is. You had a crush on Tila Tequila. I did. Wow. I know.

Wow. Alex Zinner. I was into bad girls. Alex Zinner. What? First of all, stop. Second of all, I'm scrollinggan hauserman's photos on instagram guess what i come across a photo valerie parhill no oh a photo of her and jerry springer no i'm

not kidding it all comes full circle it all comes full circle she said it was her first she was also the mayor of cincinnati oh that's why mayoral visit her slogan was pumpkin twice and jesus christ she won on that that would win that platform one actually yeah it was kind of amazing anyway okay i'm sorry did you see for my birthday somebody made a poster a political poster for me yes it's so good you saw mine though too i'm your vp wait really i didn't see yours I'm your VP. Wait, really? I didn't see yours. Yeah, I'm the VP. Oh, my God. I didn't see yours.

Where is it? Stop. Isn't that great? I am like, I've never been so honored. I have this poster. It says eradicate all ocean worms, Christine 2020. And then they wrote four over the 20 like written on top of it. This is by Kate Sheher.

And she also called my birthday a holy holy day so i feel happy about that this is radically all ocean worms christine 2024 paid for by the lunatic left-wing liberal party and then alexander says zandy for vp 2024 cool teens and gator boats they're so good i want to post them on instagram um anyway this was sent in by sam she her who was browsing amazon to see what she needed and suddenly realized that what she needed was not led lights or more toys for her toddler that are really for her but rather to look up reviews of the jessica simpson and nick lachey show newlyweds so you recall no newlyweds was that before love is blind that was his and jessica's show oh that was their show i don't know that was the show that like made him famous

he and jessica simpson when they were married yeah yeah sorry that was their show um wow you really did miss the boat on some of this that's not what made him famous i'm sorry kind of that was his foray into reality tv maybe but as if he wasn't already an accomplished boy band singer yeah but i feel like that put him on like the map as far as like being a tv guy yeah his foray into reality tv i don't think he was really famous before that i think he was okay i don't think that would have been a successful show if he had no level of fame beforehand no but like jessica simpson was the main draw i think of that show yeah but they were married at that point already yeah center's mad at me today i don't know what's going on i'm not mad at you i just can't win

today i was just trying to let everyone know that i know that nick luche has a past as an as a cincinnatian i feel like you say that but then you also asked if newlyweds came out before or after love is blind i was thinking at the same time on the same token i don't know that you really do have a grasp on his history no you're right you're correct in that i was thinking of that other show that like love is blind spinoff yeah i forget what it's called but it has something to do with like being the ultimatum that's what it is okay so i like just was thinking i knew that existed which is why i got in my head about it look i know it's good old cincinnati boy when i hear about him that's all i'm saying for this listing seasons two and three of newlyweds the one star reviews

tended to go one of two ways valid complaints of scratched or missing discs or poorly repackaged products or just bashing Jessica and Nick themselves. But Charissa here took it to a whole other level I can only describe as yikes. So here we go. One-star review by Charissa. The title is, Tuna is a type of fish, Jessica. Jesus. Do you remember that? Remember that? Christina, where? where what christina i don't know

it was a whole thing where she thought tuna was they said like tuna chicken of the sea and she like didn't understand it this was like a very famous clip okay anyway when famous people need to make a reality tv show it just shows how desperate they are for attention and money. Jessica and Nick are two of the dumbest people on the planet. Nick's tattoos are painful to look at. You can have it removed by laser surgery, fool. As for the video to these boots were made for walking, anyone with even a drop of class will be totally embarrassed at Jessica's childish squeaking, clumsy dancing, tacky dressing, and attitude. All Nick and Jessica do on the show is travel to the recording studio.

As they are singers, anyone would have figured out that they would drop in to record music sometime, watching TV, doing laundry, and having ridiculous fights over chicken slash tuna. Tuna is a fish, Jessica, dumbass. Jessica's dessert products are bad quality and certainly not edible. I tried them and felt the urge to vomit to all the newlyweds fans buffalo wings are made of chicken not buffalo watch real tv shows like nip tuck the oc desperate housewives or one tree oh my god and then there's an x there's like not bashing those shows but but like, what? Watch real TV.

It's not like the fucking wire. Like, come on. Oh, boy. Okay, now there's like a little update here. An update? Ready? Yeah. To the newlyweds fan Yolanda.

One, calling me G dash dash, which I figured out is gay. Oh, I thought it was God was god like they're censoring god no calling me gay is downright ridiculous when you obviously have a huge crush on jessica simpson what who's yolanda to be fair to to be clear um sam literally said she looked everywhere for Yolanda. There was no Yolanda in there. So I don't know where she went. Maybe, maybe Charissa just like took her down. True. And she just had to delete her comment.

Well, she turned the tables and was like, well, Yolanda, you are gay. And Yolanda was like, ah! And I had to delete everything. You are God, Yolanda. You are God. Calling me gay is downright ridiculous when you obviously have a huge crush on Jessica Simpson. If someone shows me a picture of an attractive lady, I'll call her beautiful or pretty, not drop dead gorgeous. This phrase I reserve strictly for the guys.

What? Because I'm not gay. No homo. Two. because i'm not gay no homo two how can you call someone ugly or overweight without even meeting them since when does being oh so i guess yolanda called her ugly okay mean okay i will say sure wait charissa is the one who sent in the no charissa wrote this okay charissa wrote this sorry sam sent this sam was like okay so charissa was really mean to two people she doesn't she doesn't know and has not met like so mean like that was so unnecessarily like nasty yeah like you can't just you can just trash it for being a shitty show but like it got so personal yeah hypocrisy on the internet

who would have thought um how can you call someone ugly or overweight without even meeting them trash it for being a shitty show but like it got so personal yeah hypocrisy on the internet who would have thought um how can you call someone ugly or overweight without even meeting them since when does being a size six qualify as being overweight if so you need to get help for anorexia three i am a first year medic okay good luck with that by the way three i am a first year medic meanwhile you are living in a trailer park judging by your pathetic violent threats via amazon.com how are you going to beat me when you don't even know who i am or where i live loser four you are the one who has a shortage of male admirers not me what is going on it's almost funnier that we couldn't find yolanda's review because

this response without context is so good you are the one who has a shortage by the way it's you is both of course you are the one who has a shortage of male admirers not me you think nick lachey is gorgeous and would immediately accept if he asked you out on a date. I would not. Nick requires a rhinoplasty, parentheses, nose job. But as he is not a real man, he would be too scared to have it done. But if he did, would want mommy to hold his hand throughout the retreat. What? This is so specific and like so deranged. It's like upsetting.

Only real men get nose nose chops and aren't scared don't hold their mommy's hand while getting a nose job just one more five if nick and jessica are the smartest people on the planet then quite frankly america and the rest of the world should be concerned. Yolanda, sorry honey, you must be brain dead. I will say, it sounds like Yolanda was way too far on the other end. Saying they're the most brilliant people on the planet. We were like, Yolanda, yeah, go girl. And then we were like, Yolanda, you actually gotta...

Both of them need to chill the fuck out. Yeah, quit while you're ahead, rein it in a little. You're going a little too far. Neither should let jessica and nick affect them in this way i think neither should join the debate team because it would go off the rails i want to hear what both of them have to say about love is blind great point and how nick's doing now i'll try and find out what's jessica up to um she has some kids she has um a successful shoe and clothing line okay i do have a pair of her

shoes how's her nose how's her nose yeah drop dead gorgeous i would never we know that i would never say that about a woman because i'm not g star star just kidding um all i can say is she's looking fine she's looking drop dead gorgeous i know i'm just gonna say it okay i know happy pride happy pride she is a stunner i'm just gonna say it she's a stunner uh so i don't know i mean i feel like if you take it so personally that someone doesn't know about tuna it's like okay who cares that's true that's what it started i was that was the title like she really is so mad that this woman said something dumb on tv which is like you must have quite a bad time watching tv true so many of these freaking reviews it was like this this one tv show or this one episode or this one part of the episode that you watch does not represent the entire world like these people blew everything out of proportion yeah uh jessica simpson simpson

asked then husband nick lachey is this chicken that i have or is this fish i know it's tuna but it says chicken by the sea is that stupid that was the um that's not even that bad i know it's really not it's like what is this marketing which true that is really fucking weird you're like eating something you're like it says chicken on the can yeah chicken of the sea which by the way doesn't even make sense so okay get out of here it was just a way to like market tuna to people and here's an article from 2020 13 years later jessica simpson still can't get over her chicken of the sea gaffe 13 years after confusing tuna and chicken while eating chicken of the sea jessica simpson is feeling a bit nostalgic so i guess she still recognizes and jokes about like wow i can't get past this people like won't get over it imagine that though because there's so many things

look if we hit too high of a level someone will go back and find some sort of thing like this some yeah we have plenty so many i'm like what's a pearl necklace and they're like can you believe this idiot 13 years later she's still finding out no no she's still looking up to tits mcgee or whatever the person's name was time for your challenge time for my challenge all right so my challenge was from taylor taylor said that searching for place card holders um for their wedding made them think of accidental cat toys so i'm going to read you the review of the place card holders to give you some context um and so that was a challenge to find accidental cat toys yes basically products that

became cat toys um this is of joe fefe which sounds a little too close to cofefe but i'll let it slide joe fefe 20 pieces mini place card holders cute table number holders small size table card holder table picture stands wire photo holder menu memo clips idea for wedding anniversary party gold they're cold whoa they're gold and they're also a lot of there are a lot of things placeholders and this is a five-star review by emily verified purchase best cat toy ever is the title and there's a video my kitten had never played fetch with me before until i bought this and now it's all she wants to do not really what i bought it for but it is a welcome surprise end of review that's so cute so there is a video it's just a few seconds but it's basically uh the little gold it's like one

of these like gold springy type things and the person just like tosses it and the cat like scrambles for it grabs it and brings it back that's so cute so um that was taylor's idea so i did find quite a few things it took me a while to find the right uh search terms because basically writing anything about like cats playing with toys would just bring up the toys yeah and then blaze suggested box and then i brought a litter box and so anyway i ended up typing in the phrase uh my cat thinks it's a toy because that implies god it was not intended as that so that was my ding ding ding moment the first one is halloween witches cauldron candy bucket oh i forgot i was gonna make you guess what they are oh that's funny we'll start on

the next one this is a three-star view the title is my cat likes it verified purchase it was tiny so now my cat uses it as a water bowl end of review i would never have guessed no i know which is cauldron candy bowl that's so random that's so funny tiny asshole okay so here we go maybe you'll figure out this one verified purchase four stars by hunter it's perfectly serviceable but honestly the volume settings are holy hell that's loud still too loud and okay this might work my only real complaint is it doesn't maintain the volume settings and it shuts itself off as a battery-saving feature. That said, it's a perfectly good little unit.

That said, my cat thinks it's a toy and I keep finding it in the strangest places. What? Like, I'm singing some sort of, like, radio, but I... What has sound that isn't meant to be a cat toy that has different... Like an air horn? Okay, I have no idea. A metronome. Oh, that's a good one.

Isn't that fun? Yeah, it is a good one. I did erase a line, which was, it does retain your preferences for notes and beats, but not the volume. So I figured maybe that was gonna tip you off but yeah so it's the morize mini metronome digital with loudspeaker so uh sounds like it's a loudspeaker mini metronome that which on the one hand like i i get the cat wants to play with it like swinging back is it one of those backing back and forth i assume so maybe it's not because we used to have one that was literally just beeping it was just it wasn't a back and forth which is why i had like a round dial because why no you're right

it is it's just one of these digital ones but like why does the cat carry it around it basically looks like a little it's just a like heart monitor or something like a little monitor little electronic okay that's even funnier because i was picturing like the ticking yeah and they at least see that and want to swipe which makes sense yeah but i guess because it's small and makes noise i don't know i guess i mean moonshine has a bunch of toys that are not i mean yeah i was gonna say look at your own cats he's a perfect example yeah um okay so this one i'm not gonna have you guess because it's just like it's too obvious um but this is a soft cat toothbrush with 360 degree head safe effective and deep pet teeth deep pet teeth cleaning excuse you

deep pet teeth cleaning deep pet teeth cleaning got it five stars by sharon my cat thinks it's a toy verified purchase that's it no that's the title i'm sorry i was like well the vet said that i need to brush my cat's teeth you know how difficult that can be at first my cat was not interested in that idea in the least little bit but slowly i got her to think it's a toy and now she practically brushes her own teeth chewing and biting on it amazing this is a winner in my book i hope they never stop making these in fact i'd better stock up just in case so i kind of liked how there were several reviews that were like damn it this product didn't work well for me and now it's just a cat toy and

there are several that are like oh thank goodness my cat thinks this is a fun toy and i'm so happy about it like i feel like they went in two different directions you got a little bit of everything yeah um now this one i do want all whole so wholesome it is all quite wholesome um i do want you to guess what this is. Very impressed is the title, and it's a verified purchase by Katie. Five stars. Who knew that shopping for a blank could be so daunting? My cat thinks it's a toy.

I am so pleased. It sheds so smoothly and in one piece. No jagged edges. One hole exposes a lot of lead and it's not sharp. End of review. What? You don't know what it is? Christina, hold on. Let me walk through this. It sheds very easily.

Yeah. Hold on. Let me walk through this. I can also say. It sheds very easily. Yeah. It has a hole with lead that is not sharp and a hole with lead that is sharp. What?

Like, I assume once you tell me, I'm going to be like, oh, but this sounds like a not a real thing. Maybe I'll read the last line with like the full context. I want to buy a bunch of them, but I don't know people who use pencils. Oh, is this a pencil sharpener yeah it's like what that's why i wanted you to guess because it was like metronome pencil sharpener it's so all over the place what was the first one again that i oh which is cauldron like it was just so random um but yeah who knew that shopping for a pencil sharpener could be so daunting and um there are i mean katie took this very seriously and put like pictures of the different sharpened pencil points i mean and it's basically just one of these like small ones that you keep in a pencil case like you know it's not electric or anything um yeah so that's i guess a cat toy now which also i like that that had nothing to do with anything else oh yeah like literally nothing else yeah like it's a great pencil

sharpener but also my cat thinks it's a toy yep um so 23 people found that helpful um and i love this notion which i kind of feel sometimes too where i'm like i wish i had a reason to buy more of this product like she literally said i wish i could pencil sharpeners just like i understand that in a different context probably not of pencil sharpeners but of like oh there's this really cute shop i wish i had a reason or like somebody i know who i could buy this for yeah and i feel like um i should introduce katie to our dad because he loves to use pencils and he does carry around a pencil sharpener with him at all times he does yeah i learned that um a hard way in 2019 when we were staying at a hotel uh for the webbies in new york city and they included a little pencil

in the hotel room to jot down notes and dad determined that the pencil was not sharp enough and all of a sudden out of nowhere we're just talking to him blaze and i just whips out this pencil sharpener directly out of his suitcase and that's fascinating suitcase and i said why is that in your suitcase like we were just dumbfounded and he said oh i always take it with me oh is he so prepared for so many random things but so underprepared i feel for others yeah i i feel like this would be the one time in history maybe that this is served in handy but i mean what do i know yeah clearly carries it around for a reason and i watched him put it to work and then he said oh that's better and then put it back in his suitcase and i just felt like i was in some sort of alternate reality does you

do a lot of right like he's not one to take a note on his phone yeah that's true more like he'd rather i think do it with a pencil so i suppose it makes sense but like you know the wildest part he's a pencil person which i guess is weird what he didn't bring a pencil because that i think that's where it got weird because he said hey do you have something to write with and i said oh like there's a pencil here at the hotel and he's like well this isn't sharp enough let me get my pencil sharpener and i remember thinking i remember asking wait till you brought a pencil sharpener but nothing to write with like that's where it got that's the part that we were like well you could have explained it if you my comment of underprepared for over prepared or prepared

enough for something i had to deliver the pencil and then it was not good enough and so he had the tool to he met you halfway met me halfway that was a weird day i will ask blaze about that later because we both went back to our hotel room and we were like did we what what was that like he didn't even have a pen with him. Like he had no writing utensil. But he had a pencil sharpener that he carries with him at all times. Anyway, all I'm saying is, Katie, if you need someone else to shop for, he's your guy. Okay, this is the last one. And this is just an email from Katie, they, them, who sent this in and it fit so well.

It's actually just like katie's own review basically and it is of the ikea bear oh you remember bear yes and by the way um somebody tweeted at us and said and tagged ikea and was like it's such a shame because they don't sell this in the united states do you follow all this no oh wow i got really into it so they don't sell that's why i couldn't buy it when i was like trying to buy it during the episode they don't sell it in the u.s and so somebody wrote in too who lives in europe and said hey i'll buy you one if you want and i was like i i don't want you to pay for it but i i do want you to buy me one i'll pay for it um i have to respond to them but But basically, this is what Katie has to say.

I was just listening to the IKEA episode and immediately knew what bear you were talking about. My wife bought it for me for Valentine's Day a few years ago because I also lost my shit when I saw it. His name is Adam, named after a character from a show, and my cat is obsessed with him. We like to say it's his boyfriend. And last October, I met the actor who plays adam so my cat now has a signed photo of adam and his boyfriend i'm trying to follow this train so so the cat's boyfriend is named after adam and has a signed picture of the person that his boyfriend was named after. Wow.

And so then... Well, a signed picture from the actor who plays the character who the boyfriend is named after. Yeah. And so then they wrote, does this count toward the accidental cat toy challenge? And I think it really does because it was bought as a Valentine's gift for the part from their wife. And then became... The cat's boy toy their part from their wife. And then became. The cat's boy toy.

Cat stole the boy toy. Exactly. And then Katie wrote, attached a picture of the lovebirds and a close up of Mr. Credence. That's the cat. And his handsome face. Mr. Credence and his boyfriend Adam. Adam the bear. This is so cute. Mr. Credence and his boyfriend Adam. Adam the bear. This is so cute.

Mr. Credence. This is a storybook in the making. And so I just want to also point out that clearly, literally every time I type in this Ikea bear, it's like, you've last visited this page like 48 hours ago. Taunting you. But so it's called the Djungel's Cog. Oh, I know. I know how to say brown baron stomach metal what is it young youngest kong i don't think it's um jungles cog jungles cog jungles jungles cog look at him i know i've seen it he's so cute i want him so bad and i'm like I'm just sad that I can't.

You're going to break up that happy couple? No, I would never. On your own, Adam. Especially because they're not available near me. So it's pretty heartbreaking. That is sad. I know. It also feels very intentional.

What does? That you can't get it? Yeah. Why? Because, like, why else would ikea do that so you like intentional against you specifically yeah yeah i don't have an answer for you i forget who tweeted at us but they also tagged ikea and ikea was like i'm so sorry for the inconvenience and the person was like yeah it is an inconvenience get fucked ikea it's like oh gosh i saw a meme where someone was complaining about a service i forget what it was like some completely separate like thing complaining about the service something

that they would never tweet a reply to yeah like the business wouldn't but then underneath that someone tagged them and said hey i'm having trouble paying for your subscription or something like with my billing and then the company responded to that one saying oh let me know how we can help so they were like god i'm here like oh no it was funny yeah that's bad look anyway so yeah this is intentional is what i'm trying to tell you is yeah it's very personal yeah i feel it in my bones um so anyway that's all i've got accidental cat toys lovely how wholesome this is a long episode we talked a lot about they got weird reality tv we've talked about noah's arc oh yeah i'm sorry you had to hear us argue by the way i'm sorry about that we're sibling podcasters what do you

all expect best um i would love to post these if kate gives us permission i would love to post the political posters on our instagram yeah i love it okay i was like which one are we talking about the cat we talked there's a lot of so many things but yes that would be wonderful because those were amazing i think that's it because uh we already gave a theme and challenge sweet trader joe's is up next is and i think that's in two i think you wait really i think i'm just too overeager for trader joe's okay uh i think that's two from now okay because i think that's in two i think you wait really i think i'm just too over eager for trader yes okay uh i think that's two from now okay because i think that was one you gave me oh then then so yeah so next is whatever i said last episode it must have been okay i guess yeah if i agreed to it oh ships oh yeah oh i'm pumped i already have one because i was researching for

our live shows and then i found one i was like oh, oh, this could go either way. So I'm going to keep it for the actual episode, not the live show. Oh, I can't wait. But yeah, I'm excited for that one. All right. See you next week. Bye.