Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 185: Reviews of Ships

Episode Date: June 15, 2022

Unfortunately for Xandy, this week we learn that there truly is an 'Eek!' for everything. Listen to Xandy on this week's episode of Twisted & Uncorked: https://spoti.fi/3Q9Ng86 Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer New merch including an EEK! pin!!! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Xtine's Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/shop/hauntedtofu Check out our Instagram: instagram.com/beachtoosandy Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy! Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning, in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem?

Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connects ontario.ca please play responsibly the all-new hyundai kona electric suv it charges fast and goes far it's how we made it more one. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet. A podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast. But I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello and welcome to Beachy's Sandy Water 2 at the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion.

I am Christina. I am Captain Zandy. Oh. You are on the SS Beach 2 Sandy. Oh. That's all I've got. We just had our live shows. They went really well. Thank you to everybody who came.

Yes, thank you so much. It was so much fun. We got to meet a lot of you. People brought things for us to sign. It was super duper fun. There was all this buildup and then it's over. It's over. And it was weirdly sad.

I was just, when we were driving home from Columbus, I was like, what? That's it? He kept playing Sound of Silence over and over again. On repeat. And I was like, I'd prefer the actual Sound of Silence Alexander. No, you're not going to get that around me. You should know that by now. Today, we're reading reviews of ships.

This was sent in by Melissa, this idea. Thank you, Melissa, because I enjoyed this one quite a bit. It's really random, some of the stuff. I don't think you realize what you did. What? Melissa doesn't realize? You and Melissa. Melissa might know.

I have to do with it? You picked it. Yeah, but Melissa sent... It's all Melissa's fault, no matter what happened. Something went wrong. Well, I don't know if you realize... Just tell me what happened. Well, I got to revisit a little favorite spot of mine called CruiseCritic.com. No, wait.

Those are ships. Do cruise ships count? No. Cruise ships are ships oh barely i'm just saying i don't think he realized that when you suggested ships well no i actually did not is that like all you brought no it's not because it about halfway through it occurred to me that i could do cruise ships okay good i'm glad it was halfway through at least uh i also got these in the middle of the night because we decided to record today last night and so in the middle of the night i picked these i have no memory of them okay so this should be interesting you should go first okay i will uh

with the review of bb riverboats um here in cincinnati it's the riverboat so classic old riverboat thing they sound like a ship to me what are you talking about i don't know is it a ship the riverboat a ship oh gosh are we really gonna difference between someone will tweet it at us a boat and a ship a boat is small to mid size which has a much lesser cargo carrying capability ships are specifically made to carry cargo or passengers or boats so i guess if a boat can be on a if if a water craft can be on another water craft the first water craft is a boat and the second is a ship a ship can fit a boat but a boat can't fit a ship is is what I'm trying to say.

Just read the review. This is of BB River Boats, who they do dinner cruises and scenic tours down the scenic Ohio River. This is a one-star review by Arlene. Overall, a very disappointing experience. Music was too loud and very annoying hurt my ears and took away from peacefulness of the river food was mediocre at best tough meat and tasteless vegetables the only thing they couldn't ruin was a nice view but my teeth were grating by the end of the funky disco music the d DJ actually asked for a tip. My tip?

Just quit. I would have enjoyed some history of the area. I would never come back and recommend you find a better way to spend your time, like a trip to the ER. Oh my god! Holy shit. Scathing.

I feel like this person might have some overlooked sensory issues. Yeah, no, no I mean it was by the end they're grating their teeth and they're so furious they'd rather be in an emergency room than listen to more disco I think they need to just take a chill pill you know maybe

maybe some sort of pill I'm so sad for the DJ because I feel like if you're willing to write all this on the internet it wouldn't surprise me if you actually told the dj your thoughts and feelings you know no i i believe it i wouldn't be surprised dj on a bb riverboat and all you want is just a tip at the end of end of conversation but all you want is a tip at the end of the night and they're like here's a tip for you why don't you quit yeah what a harsh thing to say and this person has to understand that the dj also has to deal with the people on the boat

the passengers like it's a two-way street and the watercraft if it's also carrying water true if it's or if it's on a watercraft oh man oh man that wow would be Okay. I have an email from Amy, she, her, who sent in reviews of the replica of the Mayflower 2. The Mayflower 2. I think so. So it's a replica of the sequel. So this is like the Mayflower 3. Mayflower, the sequel, the sequel. Some might call it that.

And she said, every elementary school kid in a 200 mile radius is loaded on a bus at some point before their 16th birthday to tour this heirloom. It's kind of a capital BD big deal. Sounds like it. But not to Linda, who says, is this thing really the Mayflower? To me, it looks like it came out of Pirates of the Caribbean and should be somewhere in Disneyland. Someone should also take those weird pirates with it. End of review. This doesn't feel like a review of the Mayflower 2.

I feel like she's at Disneyland and got confused. Very confused. She got on a bus to a field trip and accidentally got on the bus to Disneyland. Do they want, so okay, does this person want the pirates from the Disney ride to be on the Mayflower 2? Or were there other pirates on the Mayflower 2 that should be taken away? That's what I'm mixed up about. It sort of sounds like there are pirates on the Mayflower 2, the way that she wrote, take the weird pirates with you and you don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you.

Pirates. If there are pirates on this boat i think i'd also be confused but then again i didn't pay much attention in history also what do they think the mayflower looked like what what do you know what i mean i i feel like if it's a replica they the people who made the replica know better than linda does what it looked like i wouldn't be so sure yeah linda's been on the pirates of the caribbean that's true linda knows a pirate ship when she sees one i'm looking at the mayflower tune now i just googled it uh-huh yes it looks like a pirate ship in that it's an old ship right probably pirates also were on old ships back in the day. I don't know.

This is ridiculous. Yeah, I feel like at a certain point, a large floating vessel from that time period probably looks pretty similar to another one. You'd think, yeah. Also, maybe she doesn't really know what pirates... Maybe she is confused about what pirates even are. If she's looking at all the people on this boat and saying look at all these where she watched that tom hanks movie about pirates oh and was like wait that boat isn't the mayflower i don't i don't have a reference to that so i don't know how to make a joke about it okay that's okay mine wasn't a joke i was being very serious but whatever let's move on okay uh to the uss alabama oh would you like to know about the uss

alabama i would actually uh contrary to popular opinion i'd love to know about it i thought you were gonna say no i know fine i'll google it uh it's a retired battleship so it's uh more modern uh than the mayflower 2 uh the fourth and final member of the south dakota class of fast battleships built for the united states navy it was built in the 1930s okay so just picture a battleship from the game battleship that's what this looks like okay here's a one-star review i can't find the restroom supposed to be one in the gift shop but i can't figure out how to get into the gift shop found the exit only door can't bring myself to go in that door hope husband comes back soon so i don't pee my pants end of oh my god can you imagine peeing your pants in public

outside of a doorway and someone being like why didn't you go use the bathroom they're like well i couldn't walk in that door. And they're like, but you could pee in front of everyone? Like, that choice seems like an easy choice. I don't know, Christina. They're on a battleship. Imagine the punishment. Do you want to be in the brig?

You might want to be in the brig. You could probably pee there safer than in just the hallway. Probably? At least in the brig. Does pee in the corner of the brig? No probably pee there safer than in just the hallway probably at least in the brig this p in the corner no one can hear you pee oh true is what they say yeah uh yeah you're right she would probably or this person would probably end up in the brig and that is a dangerous place to be we can't have that can't have that and also before you said, oh, there's only an exit, which is a very fun setup they've got going there. For some reason, I just kept picturing them at the glass. Like, I can't find a way in at the gift store.

Sorry, like a window into the gift store. Oh, yeah. Gift shop. Yeah. And I saw all the people buying trinkets. And then I thought, what if she's in a display case? Whoa. Sorry.

Whoa. That's why she can't find her way in. She is the display. She is the display. Oh my gosh. This is very Kafka-esque. I mean, it's not at all, but in my mind it is. You were the display all along.

Especially when you started peeing your pants and people started throwing money at you what what what is your theory as to um why this reviewer would be on display by the u.s navy's battleship the uss alabama because what what's what is the card, the plaque read? The placard reads, it reads, people, shut up. It reads, shut up. Tell me. I'm listening. It reads, those who disobeyed the strict orders on the battleship would be sent to the brig, including this person, who wet their britches

britches that's good in front of the is a long placard this is a terrible placard hey it's very i don't know how to explain it but i don't like it this person who wet their britches was sent to the brig oh that's it yeah okay wow great lovely thank you thank you uh so now i have another review okay this is from blake she they and it's of the uss wisconsin in norfolk virginia it's a historical landmark is it norfolk or norfolk norfolk probably you're probably right norfolk um and this is a two-star review by michael oh and by the way this looks to be just the same idea of a battleship um with a pea-soaked brig underneath it's called the uss wisconsin bb64

i think it's an iowa class battleship I think it's an Iowa class battleship. I think it's a riverboat. It has BB in it. No, true. They just do dinner cruises. It looks like a battleship, which is where the mistake was made. They were like, wait, no, don't shoot at us. We're just having a disco night.

It's disco night. We're just eating our stale green beans, please. No more cannonballs. I don't know what they use to yeah in the world war ii lots of cannonballs and scrabble ships okay so here's a two-star view by michael non-functioning gun turrets no engine missing parts galore i can see why you don't have an asking price i'm not even convinced it's floating. Ready to go at a moment's notice.

My ass. End of review. Wow. Uh-oh. Michael has some plans that I think maybe the government wants to know about. Why won't the tour guide let me buy the boat? I came with my checkbook. But this is a tour guide's worst nightmare is someone who's questioning everything and like knows better you know and you know what as someone who doesn't know better maybe this person doesn't know it's entirely possible but why you would ask for a price

when you visit this ship seems so ridiculous the fact that they know that there's missing parts galore i'm like are you like climbing in and looking at the probably non-functioning why would you want them to be functioning like what are you doing what are you doing with this thing what is your plan well he wants to ready to go at a moment's notice uh i don't know where he's hoping to go but i i mean the fact that he's not even convinced it's floating is pretty incredible. What does he think? There's a structure underneath? Yeah, it's like, oh my god, yeah, it's like being held up. I feel like that would be weirdly more impressive.

That would honestly be way more expensive to maintain, I think. You think, right? Yeah, than actually just plopping a ship down in the water, but you know. As you know so much about battleships and their buoyancy. I sure do. Yeah. Especially when they are missing an engine. Yeah.

You've calculated how much urine is needed to sink it in the brig. It's on the way. Here's a one-star review of the uss alabama again i i looked at many ships the uss alabama reviews yeah what's going on with this weirdly the best okay like the best that i could find um here we go one star this is by kathy didn't get to go in i have a five pound chihuahua that has separation issues in a snuggle carrier strapped to my chest they do offer a outdoor kennel free of charge but as i said dog has issues i'm terribly disappointed but i understand it's their policy so i'll wait in the car while my husband goes in i insisted he go the

rating is my disappointment level but not with the place just that i really wanted to see it end of review whoa i like weirdly love it like i'm i respect it i don't i don't like that the consequences are that the okay it's a fucking battleship i don't care about the star rating level of this thing but you know i kind of like that they review based on their disappointment rather than actually saying that they're a terrible thing place for doing that they're like i understand i'm just sad about it you know yeah i guess i mean yeah i guess it's definitely different because usually yeah it would be i mean i do i do like her insistence that the dog has issues yes nobody else i love hearing about yes exactly not i exactly it's not my issue this is

my dog's problem dog's problem no one else's also the fact that it's in a carrier there's so many things that are just highlights uh that were high points for me during this. I feel, again, like there are some wild people visiting this ship. The one is peeing her pants. The one's carrying a chihuahua in a snuggle carrier. Amen. What is going on? That's what I'm saying. All the husbands are missing?

There's something going on. Something's in the water, and it's not just the USS Alabama. It's not just. Actually, arguably, it might not be if it's not floating. It might not even be. Oh, my goodness. Maybe there's nothing in the water.

I will say, both of these characters you've just introduced sound like it's like too much under one roof, under one hull. Sail. I don't think a battleship

had sails. Gun turret. Functioning? Certainly not. Certainly not. No. Otherwise, I would have bought it long ago. You would have bought it by now.

A long time ago. Oh, boy. Yeah. I don't even know what to say except that I feel sad that she's stuck in the car. Also, I know that because her attitude was one of, oh, it's not your fault. I'm just disappointed. It might not be this way but i kind of like to imagine that the husband came back from his like glorious tour of the

battleship and i say tour like it sounds like sorry his glorious tour i'm picturing him as like he goes on tour on the battleship yeah yeah yeah yeah just shooting a few cannonballs um and he finally comes back from war i mean from the tour and uh he's like wow it was amazing and she kind of does that passive-aggressive thing like even though she told him to go she was like no you should go you should enjoy it are you sure i mean she has to sit in a hot car with a chihuahua yeah i'm with you i she was disappointed she made her disappointment i bet she wrote the review from the car very noble of her to let him go but no yeah that's really nice um i wonder if d would let me go on the uss alabama alone she'd probably insist that she goes because she loves the uss

alabama she loves uh she would i it would be annoying to go with her, though, because she would probably be checking all of the parts. She'd go in the engine room. Try to shoot all of the guns. Make sure all the guns are working. She'd be like, Zandy, stand in front of this gun. This is a giant turret. Just stand right here.

Wait, can you imagine, though, if you were like the ghost of one of these soldiers? Yes, I can. Okay. the ghost of one of these uh soldiers yes i can okay but can you imagine and you're kind of still lingering on the ship and then you see a woman carrying a chihuahua around on her i'm like oh wow what a sight like i wish i could see it how the mighty have fallen this ship now just carries women like peeing their pants outside the gift shop and a lady with a chihuahua strapped to herself yes i love it oh what a beautiful sight um this one i have is of uh the battleship north carolina and willing to north carolina and this is a one-star review by someone named tank

oh uh-oh and it just says battle one star that has a lot of guns end of review wow so i don't know if they're functioning or not but tanks super not if the tank is functioning uh the tank's like man that's more guns than i have tanks like even i am intimidated by this large ship um anyway that's all i love it it's not that exciting but after all this gun talk i thought i'd include it you you weren't even gonna include it then you're like fine i was like well i feel like it's relevant now i enjoyed it i thought it was great surprised that the battle a battleship has a lot of gun turrets i'm surprised by their surprise i guess i like their name being tank yeah that fits uh i've another one last one of the uss alabama yes one last double checking uh next one is of a different state.

Here's the USS Alabama. This is in Mobile, Alabama, by the way. They're not always wherever their state is. I didn't want to put you on the spot. This one is in Mobile, Flanfo, for you to easily look up. Here's a one star. Went to the USS Alabama

mock dive bomb experience. Whoa experience the best dive bomb i saw came from an osprey that had a fish in its talon to feed its young very disappointing but the bird was cool end of review oh they got shown up by an osprey man what losers they're such losers they couldn't dive bomb nearly as well as that osprey trying to feed its young so weird with its little talons people are so like what an odd thing right to think and write about and spend your time putting on google i don't really understand as somebody who's not in this you know i know it's hard to believe but i'm not really in this whole like military warfare circle could have fooled me i know and i did but it's about time i own up um but i i do wonder what

makes a dive bomb experience disappointing or unimpressive not enough people died like you didn't actually kill any really i don't totally i think dive bombing is literally just you're you go in a plane low to the ground low to the ships and literally bomb them and then fly back up god why would you do that similar to how an osprey would you know feed its young i suppose same difference yeah it's a bomber aircraft that dives directly at its targets in order to provide greater accuracy for the bomb drop so it's like seems very dangerous very um very unimpressive really very unimpressive like if i were watching that i'd be like what a waste of my time.

That seems so dangerous. Why are they making these poor people do this? I mean, I don't think they're being forced into it. I assume they're willing participants. You think these pilots are like. Not again. We always get shown up by that one bird. So embarrassing.

Oh, boy. I don't know. I'm just disturbed at the thought. Like if I saw that'd be like well i'm not impressed i'm just sad that this is a thing that we've invented to do i feel like i'm bringing kafka back into the conversation any moment now it'll happen again and i'm sorry please don't get a back off of that um so this is from carla she her who uh wrote in about the the gaza is that how you say it gaza yeah of course yeah don't ask me and jokingly called herself casa she's like carla aka casa but now you are you said not really but now you are you have cemented it in our minds yes you are not kaza yes this is a review call of a ship called the cuddy sark cuddy sark yeah okay spelled exactly how you think and it's a maritime museum

it is oh okay c-u-t-t-y yep not what i thought cuddy oh i thought it was like okay i didn't think it was like kid cuddy but i thought it was with Ds. Oh, Kid Cudi. So this is in the UK, and I'm going to read a one-star review by Dawn. Here we go. Okay. Lame. It was raining and my baby was crying. I went in to ask if I could use their baby-changing facility, and I was rejected. Lame business to even think that i would use my three weeks old

baby to enter their boring museum if you are reading this i hope you change your mind and don't go in there end of review can i can i change my baby on your ship please i hear battleships have really awesome baby facilities okay i fucking I fucking just Googled this thing. It looks fucking dope. Yeah, so I love that this person... Wait, it's like in the middle of land. Yeah, it looks like it's on the water. It's right by the River Thames.

But it's not in the river. No, it's on the ground. Y'all look this up. This is cool looking. Yeah, it's pretty neat. Wow. They have something called the seafarers advice and information line which is shortened to sail s-a-i-o

i don't love a pun what luck that it worked out that way totally unintentionally how cleverly the universe works sometimes took the words right out of my mouth. That was a Kafka quote. Shut up. Oh, no, I meant a Kid Cudi quote. A Kid Cudi quote. Sorry, my mistake. Okay. Two freshly cracked eggs any way you like them. Three strips of naturally smoked bacon and a side of toast.

Only $6 at A&W's in Ontario. Experience A&W's classic Ontario. Experience A&W's classic breakfast on now. Dine-in only until 11am. Here, let's see, what's my next one? It's of the USS Missouri. Where is that, you ask?

That is located in Honolulu, Hawaii. Oh, well. Here's a one-star review by James. The USS Missouri has never once stated its opinion about motor scooters. End of review. What? What does that mean? I think they're saying they don't know what the policy is about.

But the way they put it just made me really that's like somebody who's trying to make their uh their argument or their point sound way more advanced and like to the point where nobody even understands what they want yep and they're so angry they're like point their opinion it never stated its opinion about motor scooters motor scooters it's just silly that's just all that was i thought it was we got a motor scooter we got a chihuahua in the carrying case i can't i can't i just feel like these ghostly soldiers are like what the hell is going on in our oh and our beautiful gun turret so true you know they're pissing in their brig. They're always. How mad they are. They won't stop doing it.

They won't stop. It's very annoying. So here is another review of Cuddy Sark. Nice. Thanks to Kaza. Kaza. And this is a one-star review by Bino. Did you just make that up?

It says B-E-N-O. So I said Bino. I don't think. That's probably not how you say it well. Un-B-No-o so i said b-n-o i don't think that's probably not how you say it well unbeknownst knowns to b-n-o their logo like their profile photo literally says b-n-o in purple letters i love it one star this place gives tourist attractions a bad name the entire concept of preserving history seems to have some alternative meaning here. In 2014, this ship caught fire which was caused by a vacuum cleaner being

left on overnight and burning out and causing the ship to catch fire. This was totally an accident as the next day the people running tourist attraction were happy as they could now rebuild the ship how they wanted. The staff here had never been happy with the ship as they felt the original What? What a theory. I can agree with the last sentence. Does not the slightest bit of sense end of review what is what a theory i can agree with the last sentence does not make a bit of sense i think bino's on to something yeah i think uh almost got the almost got there like just so close so close oh my god what a conspiracy it's funny because i found another conspiracy theory similar, I don't know what it is about these ships, but someone else said that they thought that a ship wasn't the original. Oh. And they said it's not that they're lying to the original Mayflower.

Mayflower, too. This isn't the original Mayflower. It's like, well, no, we never said it was. Sequel. But no, there was a ship in Baltimore. I think the USS Constellation. Whoa. Someone said this was used in the War of 1812.

Not this is or the opposite way. There was something where like they got to stop lying to their to the people that visit. But I couldn't like find any other information. So I didn't include it because I thought. It's wild how they think that these people have some like ulterior motive. The staff on this ship. Yeah. What's the point?

The staff never liked it. It's like, well, they probably didn't, but maybe for other reasons not having to do with like. It doesn't seem like the vacuum fire of 2014 would have like created a lot of happiness aboard. What a strange. So they're basically saying this was not an accident, right? They're saying this was arson on behalf of the staff. Someone burned down... Well, with a vacuum cleaner?

Burned down the place on purpose. What a bold way to start a fire. I'm just going to turn on this vacuum and leave it and see what happens. It is a weirdly... Here's the thing. On the one hand, it's so specific that you're like there's no way they made that up but on the other hand you're like well it's maybe that's the point maybe they chose something so something no one could be like there that that's not possible because they're like and

everyone's like well who would who would lie about doing something so stupid as burning down a ship with a vacuum cleaner right that's such a i don't know i was thinking they didn't lie about it they did it but they didn't know if it would work they just turned the vacuum on and said maybe this will work fingers crossed that we don't have to come to work tomorrow i've turned on so many different appliances all night nothing has worked yet oh my god they're just like trying different different methods to burn this place down the courage didn't short out like we thought it would that's so sad but he's just so absurd like oh yeah i agreed they didn't think the ship was historic enough so then they changed it to be a new ship that was more historic. None of this makes...

What the heck? So weird. I mean, again, as Bino says to us, does not make the slightest bit of sense. It does not, Bino. No. You're so right about one thing. About one thing. I just have one more before I'm ready for my challenge. Cool. I have two more.

It's a redemption. Great. This is of, I would say, the best ship in the world historic everything it's great uh this is mr trash wheel in baltimore what's that what's that what's mr trash wheel so i got to i was lucky enough to go visit mr yeah you've told me about this but i forget so mr trash wheel officially called the inner harbor water, is a trash interceptor. It's a vessel that removes trash from the Jones Falls River as it empties into the Inner Harbor in Baltimore. Wow.

It is powered by water wheels and solar cells and places trash from the harbor onto an onboard conveyor belt, which then goes into dumpsters that are on the vessel. Wow. It was invented by john kellett in 2008 um and there was a larger one that was developed that is currently active that replaced the original one has it got a body it has big giant googly eyes no i meant has it caught a dead body oh a dead body um let me check further reading uh has it caught a dead body? Oh, a dead body. Let me check further reading. Has it got a body? I did control F body on its Wikipedia page. I didn't find anything. Type bodies.

That's a good... You're good at this. You know what you're doing. It's almost like I researched these terms on a weekly slash daily basis. Yikes. Wow. Okay. So, yeah. So, that's uh mr trash wheel uh and there are other

ones now around uh the country it looks like so there's one in uh canton ohio oh no canton sorry that's canton near baltimore i think and um there's a uh professor professor trash wheel what uh and she has she has green googly eyes with lashes. Yeah. How sexist of me. Terribly. And then there's a gender neutral Captain Trash Wheel. Hell yeah, there is.

Without lashes, but with brown irises. That's in Brooklyn. Brown irises. They're captivating, I bet. And then another female wheel at the mouth of the Gwynn's Falls uh which is also in Baltimore Baltimore is just like either they have just a lot of trash to deal with or they just love their like I mean as someone who studies crime on a daily basis they also have a lot of murder so I'm I feel like there must be some crossover but I might just be trying to force the narrative a little

yeah you're you're really focused on that one sorry I just like the thought be some crossover, but I might just be trying to force the narrative a little bit. Yeah, you're really focused on that one thing. Sorry, I just like the thought of it. It's like, oh, we just collect everything from the river. And it's like, well, you are bound to pull up some things you're not expecting, you know? Yeah. Someone, I did Google it to see. Yeah. I don't want it to be that way, to be clear.

There was an ask me anything. And someone asked, ever pull a dead body from the harbor? Oh, sorry. That was my Reddit account, XteenSheeper, who asked that. Yeah, PastelFlamingo150. That's me. And then MrTrashWheel said, it hasn't happened yet. I won't lie to you.

It could happen someday. The thought of it gives me nightmares. Oh, gosh. So I'm glad you keep bringing it up. Sorry. MrTrashWheel, I hope you're not listening. To be clear, I don't want it to happen. I just am wondering.

Yeah, you're just morbidly curious. It's my natural curiosity. There's nothing natural about it. No, my very unnatural curiosity. But I do have a five-star review. Thank goodness. Here it is. Dear Mr. Trash Wheel, you are amazing.

I read in red theory about you. You are so funny. We would be friends. No, best friends. I would never live without you. So thank you and thanks a million times. Thank you. You are going to make the world safer by doing your job, picking up trash.

We hand it out. You get it in. I'm happy for you. I love you. Bye. End of review. Oh my gosh, I'm going to cry. That love you. Bye. End of review. Oh my gosh. I'm going to cry.

That's the sweetest little four-year-old ever. I was waiting for you to be like, no, this is like clearly a middle-aged man. I don't know. No, but it looks, it sounds like what a toddler would say or like a little kid would write. That is so sweet. We hand it out. He's like, oh, I give you gifts gifts every week i dump all my trash in the river just for you i do have a picture i think um when i was in baltimore i think uh my friend marina

uh took a picture of me oh my gosh in front of uh mr trash wheel because there's a lighthouse right there too oh my gosh we should post it so this is a review i found it's a consumer affairs complaint oh thank goodness about a cruise about a cruise oh i forgot the cruise bullshit here i am like what kind of battleship is on consumer complaints thing i believe this was a royal caribbean um and it's a one-star review by Brad. I was not allowed to utilize the gym because of wearing a shoe called Crocs. Oh my God. Okay, let me try that again.

I was not allowed to utilize the gym because of wearing a shoe called Crocs, which the staff considered flip-flops. I had no tennis shoes available. I found no tennis shoes on board for sale. One of the reasons I accepted this cruise with my wife was that I would be able to use the gym. End of review. What? Why would you go with the sole intention of using the gym and only bring Crocs?

What? intention of using the gym and only bring crocs what i mean listen i as you know this show convinced me to buy my own pair of crocs but the last thing i would want to do with them is any sort of like really excessive physical exertion the thing is i can't comment because i both i don't have crocs and i actually don't like know what it's like working out in a gym. I don't know what that's like. But, yeah, I can't imagine. Even I would bring gym. Because especially if you're not wearing socks.

What are you doing? What are you doing? And if you are wearing socks, they're all slippery. What are you doing? What kind of working out? I don't know. I mean, I guess just if you're like lifting and stuff or lifting weights not that i know what that is i mean as long as you're not

like using the treadmill could you imagine you imagine i know they have i know everyone's gonna say they have sport mode they do have sport mode christina you're right never mind i'm with i'm i'm i'm i'm with this reviewer here. Can you imagine? He walks up to the gym. They're like, you can't enter with those. And then he's like, oh, I'm so sorry. Hold on.

And he flips him into sport mode. And they're like, oh, my mistake. Please. We're so sorry. Please. We just thought those were tie-dye flip-flops. But now we see they're sports. Oh, my God.

Yeah, you should have gotten something like camo or something that could blend in so they wouldn't notice. Even just a black one with a black sock, no one would know. Like, they noticed and said no. It's because he has all his gibbets on it. His gibbets. It's just this little, what are those? It's just a bunch of biceps and weights and just working out things. Gym rat.

He's from my gym shoes. He's like, those are not gym shoes. And then maybe a few pineapples. Oh, on the cruise. Depending on the day, he flips them upside down. He's like, we'll see how I feel. He's like, while the life's swinging, I like to get to the gym with my crux.

Stop. He's like, oh, they go from day to night, you know? You wear them to the gym. To the pineapple party. Oh, boy. Okay. So this is the last one I have. Thank God.

Yeah. Okay. So now I have a little something for you from CruiseCritic.com. Oh, thank God. It's just one thing. It's just one. Thank God. The title is

Stuck on the Waterslide? Uh-oh. With a few question marks. They have to ask? Here's the question. This was written by Softie. Eek! No!

Are you fucking with me? Does it really start with eek oh my god what the entire forum question like the question starts with eek so let me just what the hell compose myself here's what softy says eek eek eek eek pee my pants Send me to the brig. I'm gonna pee my pants. Okay. There's four eeks. I heard them. Thank you. Eek! Eek! Eek! Eek!

Just wondering if any of you have ever gotten stuck on the water slide on any of the carnival ships or have ever witnessed it happen to someone else? Confused. Are they planning a class action lawsuit? of the carnival ships or have ever witnessed it happen to someone else confused are they planning a class action lawsuit so a couple people wrote and they were like no okay i kind of love that that their community is like so active that they're like gonna say nope even if i have cannot relate to this at all but i'm gonna respond i think when you write for eeks it really kind of um sends an alert to everybody who's a member and it's like everybody gather this is really important it's for eeks worthy

well it's like that saying i see this on like the internet all the time people always say am i the only one and you are never the only one except maybe in this case it's like you always see people like am i the only one who thinks that music was better back in the day it's like no you're not and you're annoying about it but this i'm like this person hopefully is the only one sort of like this one and the guy who said like am i the only one who wishes these gun turrets worked so I could purchase this ship? And it was like, you're literally the only one. And I think you're on the FBI watch list now because you're probably not supposed to be pursuing the purchase of this. Anyway, so, yeah.

So a bunch of people wrote. Did you say probably not supposed to be pursuing the purchase of it? I say probably because, again, I'm not really up on my wartime, maritime or wartime. No. Knowledge. Oh, I mean, after this episode, I think all of us listening are much more equipped. Yes. Better equipped.

Yes. To pursue this field. You're welcome, everybody. By the way, you're welcome. So, yeah, a bunch of people were like, no. OK. And then Softie responded again. Softie, what are you up to?

No. Actually, I got stuck on the water slide on the legend, and I am not severely obese. I'm not a thin pin either, but yes, it happened to me. There were many large people going down the slide. They made it up the stairs just fine, by the way. Happy, happy all the way. I climbed up, stairs just fine by the way happy happy all the way i climbed up sat my rump down and pushed off went a bit around the first turn and stopped i thought i was gonna die eek i wasn't stuck there's an eek for everything

if you're close to death you can still be eekin It's a very versatile phrase. I wasn't stuck because I was too wide to fit down the slide. I was stuck because it seemed as though the material of the suit I was wearing wasn't slick enough to keep me going. There wasn't that much water pressure to sort of flush me along. So there I was. I contemplated that maybe I was having a nightmare and would wake up any moment. Nope. Then I imagined myself standing up and attempting to surf my way down. Then I pictured the full body cast I'd inevitably

end up in if I went that route might really put a damper on my cruise. There were people howling with laughter, not fun being the cause of it, I can tell you. So what I ended up doing was to sort of make a show out of my predicament. I threatened to not move unless the gawkers either shut up or Wow. and wave to my captive audience thereby saving at least some of my pride and depriving them of the satisfaction of knowing how humiliated i really was frown face wow but then a lot of people stepped in and were like oh no my teenage daughter got stuck because her bathing suit was a weird material like a lot of people chimed in and said you are not alone um and so people were very supportive and kind about softie's predicament. You're just going to let it go that I said that the bathing suit was probably made of leather?

I did not hear you say that. That's disturbing. This person and I do relate. Softie and I relate on one thing. We both think that we are in a nightmare quite often. Eek! Eek! I hate it. Hang on hang on oh my gosh i just found um no i just found

where this came from i was like i don't think i looked this up poor morgan morgan sent this in a long time ago and i forgot i had searched cruise. Oh, wait. Sent that in? Sent this slide in. Oh. I was like, I don't remember how I found this. Yeah. Morgan found it. They, them. I'm so sorry, Morgan.

Interesting. You'd probably be so mad right now because I didn't give you credit. Well, good job finding that. Like, and now it's like relevant again? It says, now it's relevant again. This was sent in May of 2020. And Morgan, they wrote, I looked up stories of people being stuck in water slides. And this post on a cruise critic forum did not disappoint.

Eeks ensue. It disappointed me. Probably not. Yeah, that disappointed me for sure. Oy, oy, oy. So thank you, Morgan. Sorry I gave you belated credit. But I don't know why I thought I found that for some reason.

I guess it's because I was like, who else would be on CruiseCritic.com? Well, Morgan. Morgan. I know whose emails to avoid. Perfect. Or whose emails should go directly in the trash. You should archive them immediately since neither of us know where they go once you do that. That's true.

I don't. Whenever I hit that, I have to hit undo. Otherwise, I'm in big trouble. Gone forever. That's true. I don't. Whenever I hit that, I have to hit undo. Otherwise, I'm in big trouble. It's gone forever. Is it time for my challenge?

I think so. Amazing. My challenge was from NC Mama. And the challenge was to find reviews where people suggest people reach out to them. Yes. For more information or for whatever. You see there's some various things there is an example i have uh but i am not gonna do that right now uh for a reason you will see what i mean okay that i'm saving i'm saving uh the example you mean one from nc mama oh okay i'm saving that one uh later. Perfect. Here we go. My first one is of a motorcraft sensor on Amazon.

It is... I have no idea what this is. Oh. I can't even make something up. It's some sort of sensor for a motorcraft. That one I figured. Yeah. That's all I'm going to...

It's in automotive. It's a 1.2 millionth best seller in uh automotive wow yep oh it's number 5379 in automotive replacement oxygen sensors so i assume that's what it is apparently it's not one of the top oxygen sensors uh but that's okay here's a review one star afternoon. I have a problem with this item. I buy this oxygen sensor motorcraft new and I received it used. What is the level of seriousness? Also, the package was opened.

I need a solution fast, please. I'm from Venezuela. My number is plus six, four, three, seven, eight, four, seven, two, two, nine. And my email is. 6-4-3-7-8-4-7-2-2-9. And my email is... I did go over the fake email. My email is blahblahblah at hotmail.com. Venezuela motor oxygen. Oxygen sensor.

Oxygen sensor. Help me please at hotmail.com. I don't speak English very well. If you speak Spanish, great. Thank you. End of review. Oh, no. The worst part is that you know

nobody's going to do anything about it. I know. Well, you never know. Well, maybe. This was in 2016, so what's good is hopefully no longer relevant and everything has been worked out.

I hope so, for their sake. I do, too. Love a good Hotmail shoutout. I love it. I do too. Love a good hot male shout out. I love it. I love it. My next one is another Amazon product. This is a cover on slim hard case. Oh, it's they don't sell it anymore.

So I can't. I'm trying to figure out like I'm hovering to see if it'll cover on slim hard case for something, something. It's a cell phone case. Oh, OK. Here's a four star review. figure out like i'm hovering to see if it'll cover on slim hard case for something something it's a cell phone case oh okay here's a four star review titled good oh and the color you they bought was cute panda oh i like it and would like to order more things but have no address but trinidad can you help me get one? My number is 173-3333. Can you help me get one? Wait, get an address or get another panda case?

Probably another panda case. I thought it was like, I don't have an address. Can you help me get one? That's a big ask on Amazon. That's just asking to be scammed, you know? Like, sure, yeah, just give me your credit card. I'll get you an address. Wow.

That's amazing. Okay. My next one is a one-star review of Textmaster Express. It's a courier and delivery service in Texas, Round Rock, Texas. This is whatary has to say uh this is over the course of like two weeks um they had written four reviews but like they kept adding on to their original reviews so i'm just gonna read the full thing sure but this is this was a this review was four weeks in the making oh boy all right one star

text master express is a horrible company to work for do not recommend it at all you invest time run down your vehicle they make you go from east to west from south to north all over the city and you pay for your own gas and get pennies on your dollar. They hold my check for almost three weeks. The person in charge of checks did not know who I was until I called for payment. How ridiculous is that? So don't apply with this company. I did not believe their bad reviews. I can tell you now that all of them are true. If you want to spend your money and time and write a review like mine, listen to their lies. I spent $13 box on icebox, $54 of gas. From eight hours on call, I worked only four.

I spent about 250 running miles and they told me I made $48. What? Which I have not got paid yet. Bad news. More than a month later and the company has not paid me any money yet. news more than a month later and the company has not paid me any money yet the person in charge of payment just told me that they pay couriers runners drivers contractors 30 days after your first week of work do not sign any form that they will give you in a hurry because they don't really tell you the truth if you still don't believe what i've written in this review and you think

you will make a little money at least take home all documents they want you to sign right there and then read them carefully and take your chances. Do you need information about how they hire you, how much they pay, etc.? Text me at 361-555-4733. I will tell you about my experience with Textmaster Express Courier. I can't believe that the Better Business Bureau has not investigated this company. End of review. How much more is there to tell?

I feel like I got the full fucking story. We got everything. I got four weeks worth of information. I don't think I need to text you about it. So true. I don't know. Unless this is like another water slide situation where they're like, anyone else?

Do you want to band together with me? Class action lawsuit? Class action lawsuit. No, it's just you yeah just you well i don't think the reviews were very good other than you but yeah i did like the implication that um the people with their paycheck just didn't know who they were yeah that's kind of a good way to just be like oh sorry i just don't know who you are yeah who who it's uh what is it it's uh uh weaponized incompetence oh so effective but it's all about i love it yeah you know how i'm really good at that um my next you know why because i do actually know all about maritime warfare i'm just pretending i don't so that you have so that you have to tell me about the uss alabama talk about weaponized gun turrets galore um here's

sorry okay uh my next one it's like kind of two it's two uh this is of E.T. Nails. Et Nails. E.T. I like E.T. Nails better. It's not a capital T, though. So, like, maybe they're trying to be, like, French. I don't know. Could be. This is in Canal Winchester, Ohio. Very French area.

Classically French. I've got two one-star reviews. Here's the first one. This is by Kathyathy this is kathy i'm no longer working here please call or text me at 831-555-3732 to schedule your appointment at my new salon hope to see you soon oh boy she's poaching clients i will say this place no one is no longer open is it because of that review? Yes, she took all the business. Or was this review after?

I don't know who's to say. She said, come to my new nail salon. It nails do. Well, I've got another one. What's funny is written over a year earlier. Oh, my gosh. This is by Paula. Wait, of the same place? Same place. This is by Paula. Wait, of the same place?

Same place. One star by Paula. Different person. This is Paula. I'm no longer employed here, but would love to extend my passion and love doing your nails. Please call me at 614-555-7438.

What's going on? And as always, hope to see you soon. What is happening here? They ended their reviews the same way and they started them the same way. They started them the same. It's weird, right? Maybe once Donna or whoever it was did it first, then the next person was like.

I think it was Paula. Yeah. And then like one was December 2019. The other was January 2021. Oh my gosh. A full year over a year later. I wonder what's going on. And maybe this is like

one of these mills where they just like train up a mill i thought you said milfs well maybe they're maybe paul is just a milf yeah but what does that have to do with anything you're like she is trust me but that's besides the point yeah um and now for uh the ultimate one oh boy this is the final one this is the one that n NC Mama included in the email. Excellent. And I'm going to give it to you, and then you'll see. You'll see. Okay.

This is special. Okay. Okay. This is a five-star review of the PPNC Inc. Playground Handball Kickball. Okay. Okay. Okay. This is a five-star review by Kelly.

Durability. I have used another ball of this same type for physical therapy exercises for three to four years. I ordered this ball for my granddaughter. One year old. She absolutely loves it. Can roll it, bounce it, it and kick it it is just the right size we love the bright rainbow colors we discovered that boulder loves it too our 100 plus pounds golden retriever great white pyrenees mix i have a video and could not get it to send

it is amazing to see the interaction of my granddaughter and Boulder with this ball. My cell 356 555 0102 If you want to get the video. End of review. Okay, just texted her. I already did. You did not. I did. You did

not. I did. This morning. And I because I thought, why not? Did she respond? Yep. No! I got the video. Alexander!

I got the video. Alexander! You're killing me. What? Nope. Tell me everything. So, it was pretty quick. Like, I didn't want to bother.

I felt really, like, I felt weird. Like, they obviously said, like, do it if you want. But I was like, you know, like, it if you want but i was like you know like i don't want to take advantage of this if they are going to be bothered by it what did you say so um i started off by giving my name because i wanted to make it more personable rather than like just creepy like weird yeah give me this video give me this video so i said hello you said hello i'm alexander give me this video i said my name is dandy and i saw your amazon review of a ball mentioning a video with your dog because i

didn't want to be like i want your a video of your daughter right um i would love to see it if it's not a bother hope you're having a great start to your week and the next text i got was a minute long video of the dog and the granddaughter playing. It's adorable. I can't believe it. It's so cute. And I said, adorable. I have an eight month old niece who is just starting to crawl and I might have to get this ball for her and her dog.

Thanks so much. Because I wanted to be like, I'm not a weirdo. Yeah. I mean, I am. I am. But not for that purpose. I felt like so self-conscious doing this. That was really nice that you said, well, I love that you used my daughter as like an excuse yeah and now i hope that it's all true though that you're gonna get

her this pretty rainbow ball well yeah i'll figure it out maybe maybe by my by her one one year old birthday i got a response after that though oh my gosh so actual text i am gonna pee my pants send me to the brig ready only problem is it did eventually pop. That brand is very durable otherwise. Can't do much about dog teeth and all that excitement. And so I said, so true. Very good to know. Thanks for the info.

And that was it. Alexander. Was that sweet? It just made my day. Best ending to any episode we've ever done. It's one those where i was like you know and little did mc mama know what a friendship they were creating yeah so it just made my made me really happy to share that like moment with a stranger so yeah um you have to show me that video later yeah we'll do that is adorable i'm so happy about this it just made me really happy it's one of those things

where i'm like A highlight A lot of people would be like You're Do not do this Like that's dangerous Or whatever They give me Whatever

And I was like You know what I'm just gonna do it It's harmless fun Yeah I mean well And I just wanna see an adorable video And it was adorable

So That's very very sweet Well I'm very pleased about this Thank you For making my day That's why i do it just for me i know not even your eight month old niece just for me who oh oh oh sorry i mean yeah you already forgot about her well i have a theme for you oh great i have a theme for you already yep wow all right my theme comes from aaron who says i have one idea for a

theme for you camera stores i think that for me when i think about camera stores it's such a specific clientele yeah i mean as someone who has been to camera stores uh that i feel like these reviews might be somewhat unique. Yeah. I don't know what to expect, so I hope it's good. But I imagine there'll be some. I think we'll find some patterns, perhaps. Perhaps.

May have. Some similarities. Okay, awesome. Well, I have a challenge for you. This comes from Samantha, who, A, just realized both of our names start with X. Good job. And asked if that was on purpose i think sort of kind of yeah so samantha gave a list of episodes and challenges i'm gonna pick one of the challenges find reviews of things where the color of the product affects whether the

review was good or bad bonus if the color is irrelevant to the product's performance okay i feel like there's some directions you could go with this. So whatever you think. I like it. I like it. Reminds me of that IKEA review about the yellow or whatever. Oh my god, yes. Or no, what was it?

It was something else about being yellow. We joked about IKEA. I don't like the color yellow and this parking lot has a lot of yellow. Something like that, yeah. So not exactly a product, but that's... I think that's definitely... If that can exist, then I'm sure the other stuff would exist too. Exactly.

What's our challenge the week after? So our theme the week after. That's what I meant. Yeah, I figured. Comes from Alexandria, who said, this is so random, children's beds, like the themed or character children's beds. What? You know, kids beds that are beds that are like like a race car yeah yeah if you look up like children's bed i feel like there's just okay and alexandria says

so specific as well i love it yeah and um some they said like oh the one that they found online online was between cost between fifteen hundred and four thousand dollars holy shit so i feel like jesus there's a lot uh no wonder i didn't have one growing up no i know we always wanted like the race car bed and stuff like man that's i'm so jealous and then uh yeah this one is uh they sent an example of a doll house bed, which looks pretty wild. I would have wanted this so bad when I was little. So that's the theme. What's the challenge? Your challenge is from Kat Sheher, who included this also as a theme, which I think we should do eventually.

I don't think we have. But the challenge specifically here, find a review of a mini golf course where the person complains about the theme or decor specifically. That's so good. It's not necessarily going to be that hard. I just feel like this is one of those challenges where you can probably get some good quality ones in here. You can really narrow it down. You and I already know multiple places. Like the one in the one little not General custer's is just all over wacky

but then there's a little miami one with a giant poop yep you know what i mean i absolutely know what you mean and there are reviews attached so why anyone would complain about that i is anyone's guess but anyway oh there are some okay great so i'm gonna move this to one of your uh i'll move it to your thank you x team challenges sound good perfect okay awesome well that's uh that's all i've got yay well that was fun and random and uh i just didn't know i would be able to middle of the night was like wait a second cruisecritic.com i'm glad it took you so long i'm glad morgan sent that two years ago and it was finally put to use oh one day we'll we'll do a live show on a on a cruise oh that'll be the day cruises yeah somebody tell me i'll jump off the

edge off the plank we'll have pirates just to make that one reviewer happy uh If you would want us to go on, if you want to come on a cruise with us, let us know. Let our tour manager know. Yeah, we'll tell our manager that we want to do it. Okay, bye. Bye, everyone.

Eek! Bye.