Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 19: Coffee Shops in Seattle, WA

Episode Date: April 3, 2019

In our quest to find the worst reviews, we may have found the worst one yet. As difficult as that was, we make it through. Next in our journey, we get lost in the Bermuda Triangle of Yelp pages, but we eventually find our way... For the sake of humanity we must continue. Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD, and tyops.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Howdy and welcome back to Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet, the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. That is Alexander. Hi, that's me. This is me. This is us.

And you're supposed to say, that is Christine. That is Christine. Hi, you call me Christina. I do. supposed to say, that is Christine. Oh. That is Christine. Hi. Well, you call me Christina. I do. That's why I called you Alexander. But when I, like, read reviews about you, I say Christine. So it's...

It's my stage name. Oh, is that it? Yeah. Welcome. Mine is Tallywagger. Stop. Hi, everybody. Hi, everyone.

Welcome to episode 19. Oh, we're almost at 20. We're almost there. What are we doing that's special for it? Let's come up with something in the next week. Oh, nothing. Nope, we'll have something. To this week's theme was...

I gave it to you. It was coffee shops in Seattle, Washington. And your challenge issued by moi was to find a review where someone is upset that where the reviewer is upset that someone was nice to them yes too nice you said where they're being too upset that someone was being too nice or people were being too nice that was a fun one was it it was like a nice break from it was that was easier to be honest that was easier than coffee shops for me really yeah probably because there were so many coffee shops over sensory overload it was

overwhelming and i only did google reviews and it was still overwhelming i stuck to a number of them yeah cool well i mean i guess do we just go right into it let's do it i'll read uh my first few reviews. And these are of different coffee shops in Seattle. Awesome. My first one is of Dubsea Coffee. Dubsea? D-U-B-S-E-A. Okay. I'm not going to pretend that's how it's pronounced for sure.

Dubstep. Yeah, it was just a typo on Google. This is by Creighton. And it's a one-star review. We came here because of the ratings. Big disappointment. Rude barista. When we did get our coffees, they were sour and tasted like Denny's.

That's like the lowest thing that you can say. What's the shade with Denny's? What's wrong with Denny's? That was unnecessary. I ate Denny's like two days ago. Literally, I got home and there was Denny's trash in our living room. There's nothing wrong with Denny's. It was literally one Denny's cup. Yeah, but you acted like I caught you in some heinous act when I walked in.

Well, yeah, because I was cheating on IHOP. Anyway. Actually went to a Denny's a year ago, and the coffee was surprisingly good. They said that? Yes. Wait. That's part of the review. So they used Denny's as an insult, and then they were like, well, it's actually good.

Yeah. So this person's really... All over the place. ...intelligent. Five and a half bucks doesn't go that far today, but you'd hope you can get a couple decent coffees for that. Yesterday in a rural roadside pull-through we got fabulous coffee stay away maybe we just got unlucky but you are warned

and a review the fuck yeah they were just like oh well i got good coffee this time so since it that was better than this this sucks but then they said that it was like denny's coffee which they think is good it did not warrant one star is my impression creighton is an enigma creighton did not creighton is an enigma let's just full stop yes my next review is of lighthouse roasters okay i love that name. It sounds fancy. I know. I saw that. I have no idea.

I don't know anything about it, but... Sounds like the Pacific Northwest. True. This is by Thor. No. The Thor. Okay. Personally, I actually really like it,

but I don't want anyone to realize it's a cool place. So, two stars and a review. What? Do you know how fucking pissed the owner must be? wouldn't that be so obnoxious yes yeah i would be like thor you don't get any more cappuccinos because it's not like everyone's gonna look at the number of two-star reviews and read through them and be like okay this one was joking they're just gonna look at the total of reviews and be like oh there's some negative ones in there god yeah no more cashew milk for thor yeah full fat only yeah or yeah no hemp milk no people were like all about the milk oh yeah that's really kind

of why it came to my mind yeah and someone was like oh it was so gross because of hemp milk can i just tell you hemp milk is delicious okay it's as good as denny's, I've heard. Denny's milk is something. IHOP's milk is something even better. Okay. But hemp milk. Okay. I thought I was LA drinking my kombucha. Whatever. I also like pecan milk.

Have you had pecan milk? No, that's... I was in Georgia and had pecan milk in my coffee. That was probably my favorite. Remember when I made fun of you on this show for eating seaweed snacks and then Blaze found them in the cabinet and made fun of you and you were like, those aren't mine. What are down there right now? Yeah.

And then both of you looked at me. Well, listen. What? Tell me. Tell me. I regret nothing. Okay. Okay.

Well, today I went to Target and bought grain-free granola and almond milk yogurt. We're so relatable. I have tummy problems i'm trying to work on me too dude okay my final one of coffee shops in seattle is of herkimer coffee herkimer i don't know how to say any of this stuff i just guess all made up h-e-r-k-i-m-e-r that sounds right. Herkimer? Maybe. I don't know. This is a three-star review from Sean. A place for yuppie coffee purists.

I made the mistake of ordering an eggnog latte. That's a good sentence right there. Not in Seattle, my friend. That's a good sentence right there. Not in Seattle, my friend. And was given the distinct impression that I had asked them to puree their cat. Not going back, since I love eggnog latte. And my cat! And the review. And my cat! What the fuck?

Yeah. Did you write this review? I know, right? It's like this praline latte shit again. Okay, don't start with me about praline lattes. Can I just say, in that YouTube video, our first YouTube video ever, check out our channel, Beach Shoe Sandy Water Tourette, I was drinking a praline latte, and someone didn't like it,

but a lot of people in the comments gave me their support. They told me how good they are and how much they love praline lattes. Not Herkimer. Yeah, I would order an eggnog latte at herkimer i have no shame man i tell you this was a wild theme though yeah like people are not messing around there were so many one-star reviews that were just so stupidly critical of the coffee oh Oh, yes. Just too much. Correct. It was just too much. It wasn't this bold, creamy, blah, blah, blah

that I come to expect from Seattle coffee shops. And I know coffee. Everyone knows coffee in Seattle. We get it. Yeah. I'm down here and I'm drinking my We're in Starbucks land. macadamia milk latte gross

praline macadamia praline latte from freaking starbucks and i'm happy god starbucks was shit on left and right yeah oh did you look at some starbucks ones i did i looked at a lot of things good and we're going to just jump right in. Let's dive in. I'm ready. This is maybe the, I apologize. This is probably the most I've ever, I've tried to narrow it down, but this is probably the most I've ever had because I couldn't pick my favorites. Oh my gosh. Okay, let's get into it. Okay, so this is a review of a place called Cafe Sezura by Brian. And Brian is our new pal. Oh, goody. One star. So we stopped here to start a day of road tripping, noting that one, they have good reviews, and two, they aren't Starbucks.

Also, three, they're not Starbucks. Oh, no. I didn't think that could get worse. It gets worse. I didn't think that could get worse. It gets worse. The first impression is gallery-like with high ceilings and large format paintings, dark walls. It's moody, I guess, and cool until you look closely. It's not clean. Dishwasher, refrigerator, counters, and the panini grill and espresso machine were all dirty, supplies disorganized and unkempt. How did they manage, did they like go behind the counter and inspect everything? I'm actually quite sure this is the guy from Bob's Burgers who's a health

inspector who like crosses every possible line and is like also in love with Linda. Okay. Right. So yes, I do believe that he somehow climbs over the counter and finds his way. Must have. To the panini machine.

Supplies disorganized and unkempt all of which would be forgivable if they were crazy busy they weren't these are seps do you have any guess what that stands for alxaner shitty employee personnel no Was I close at all? Not quite. Okay. Somebody else's problems. Things people... Wait, so they put SEPs and then explained what SEP stood for? Yeah, they made it up. Oh my... Why?

Things people think someone else should do for them. The handsome, black-clad young man behind the counter seemed unwilling or unable to raise his voice above the dance music to communicate with us while simultaneously leaning out over the counter as if to listen to us as if we were the ones speaking too quietly or maybe he wanted to keep our conversation very secret i don't know in this um intimate manner we were informed they did not have whipped cream for a doppio con panna. A basic espresso staple. Espresso with whipped cream.

Oh my god, stop! Stop. I don't want any more. So we ordered a macchiato. Another standard espresso drink all good baristas should know is a double shot with a dollop of foam. We received a latte. Unwilling to enter into negotiations with

whispering guy, we just went with it. The mocha was passable, Hershey's blah. Solid attempt at latte art, but I'd rather have a better tasting beverage. Pastries were stale, rock hard brioche, yum. Pastries were haphazardly draped in plastic wrap. Why would anyone do that? Looks slipshod. And it is. This is the sort of thing cafe workers do if they can't be bothered to wrap day-old pastries individually. Another case of S.E.P. Oh, so now it's worth it because they used it again later. They pay off.

Okay, thank goodness. Last part. Really bad. Should have gone to Ladro. There's nothing cool or interesting here at all. Poorly executed on every level. I laughed when Yelp asked, is this place hipster? There was no button for it.

Yes, if your idea of being hip involves awkward interactions, wearing black stuff and cups of disappointment served with bleak, sad pastries. It was like being at a funeral for a goth 90s belltown gallery cafe. What? There was an update. No, stop.

So, you know the black-clad, sad, whispering guy? I know him well. Yeah, WG, as I like to call him. So, this is sad. This is terrible. Here's the update. Yeah, WG, as I like to call him. So, this is sad. This is terrible. Here's the update. Oh, no. Update.

The person I pointed out in my review as having awkward customer service decided to send me a nasty gram to prove it. Telling me about how his personal life is a sad mess, making him physically ill and incapable and getting in the way of serving us well. Here's my message to him. I respect grief, but son, it is not your customer's fault that you're grieving right now and that you're sick because of it. We can't guess your personal life and we shouldn't have to. We just want a decent cup of coffee and something edible to get us through our day. You think that I don't know anything about customer service? You are going to teach me? As a barista, five plus years.

Cafe and food service manager, four plus years. Not only do I know customer service, I have trained others to give their very best. Young man, don't work others to give their very best. Young man, don't work food service while you're sick. Want to know what real customer service 101 is? Here's a hint. It's not about you. Ever.

It's about what the customer sees, hears, thinks, feels. In short, everything I told you. Last hint. When you get a bad review, it's a chance to improve. Instead of telling a critic that he has his head up his backside, try pushing the ego and trouble aside long enough to say, come back. I can do better. That is customer service. Enter, enter.

My condolences. Please tell me it's done. End of review. Thank God. Oh, my God. You literally just ruined my night. I'm sweating so much. You ruined my my entire night that was awful to hear it was absolutely awful that's the worst review we've had yet absolutely no question sorry that was just the worst i did feel your whole like

energy shift i'm sorry that I have another one from Brian. No, stop. It's not... I just told you how I feel. You can't just kick me while I'm down. Young man, this is not about you. It's about the fans. I wish it could be SEP.

Oh my god. But they're my problems. S-E-P. Okay, okay, okay. Okay, this one is less... Just deeply disturbing? Well, it's disturbing on a different, more shallow level. See, what I like about Monty and Auntie Monty, they're quirky.

Like, they're not like totally right right but they're quirky about it right and this guy's just awful there's nothing quirky nothing fun nothing nice about this well you have to understand that this person brian he's grieving as well no he's actually on something he calls oh god what was it called cap adventure like cap journey it was his adventure to find his quest cap quest that's what it was his quest to find the best cappuccino in seattle he put it now he put a literal trademark non-ironically by the way okay but what what i don't understand is if that's the case why would they like the amount of things that they apparently saw behind the counter and the things that they purchased. Like, that's beyond cappuccino.

It seemed like they ordered one of everything. They clearly climbed into the panini machine and took a look around, so I don't really know what's going on. Okay, well, let's hear part two of CapQuest. Okay. So, yeah, he really was on a CapQuest, because I looked at Yelp and he had a lot to say about maybe 45 different. I'm not exaggerating. I had to go to page six to find this one. This is Brian's review of Cowgirls Espresso, which has since closed.

I'm sure Brian is thrilled about it. He sunk them. One star review. Yeah, so this motherfucker Thor, who's writing two star reviews about a place, hoping that no one else will find it, is going to be real sad when that place closes because he's writing shitty reviews. Yuck.

Bad coffee served by addled bad decision makers with hygiene issues dressed in weird clothing. What is with this guy and clothing? I don't know. Get over what people wear that should have no in when you're looking for cappuccino don't look at their clothes your cap quest no one cares about their clothes well does he include a picture of his outfit every time he goes somewhere jesus i wish though that would really give us some insight i'm picturing he's like

dwight when he goes to buy that pewter wizard and he's covered in like beet juice. Why are these people so rude to me? Like, oh, we thought it was blood, sir. This person buying seven pairs of jeans at Costco at one time. Dad? Dad, is that you? Brian? Capquest?

Okay. With hygiene issues, right? So bad decision makers. With hygiene issues, dressed in weird clothing that displays things that seem more sideshow than peep show. Why the hell did someone decide this was a good idea? I ordered a mocha after enduring a shocking display of obtuse stubbly genitalia. What? Did I miss something? I read that like six times and i still don't get it i think was that in like the art of the someone like no it's the clothing that has to do with the clothing so what

i think happened is this is a place called cowgirls espresso and i think it was like a theme thing and so i think maybe they were like low-waisted jeans or something? Because he said they display things that seem more sideshow than peep show. And I saw a display of obtuse, stubbly genitalia. All right. I don't know. But I'm just going to continue because I don't really get it either. Okay. I watched in increasing horror as my shots poured in about eight seconds.

Parentheses. Good espresso pours in 18 to 22 seconds. Oh my God. And my milk was steamed in a dirty pitcher with a gurgling roar. Properly steamed milk gurgles initially, then is adjusted to a hissing swirl as the foam develops. As I watched, I was just hoping she would add enough chocolate to cover up the under-extracted coffee flavor, and then I was hoping she would throw on a robe or something to cover up those things.

I'm a dancer too, she began. I think maybe he's writing fanfic. Yeah, that's gotta be. This is not real. I'm not really sure what's going on. I'm a dancer too, she began as she took my credit card. Not exactly shocked, I replied, you work two jobs, must be tough. I left a sympathetic tip. I hate this.

Can we please be done? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm almost done. I'm sorry. Took a sip. It was a horror. I can only imagine that the regulars and five-star aficionados, which I guess are us.

I like that nickname. Five-star aficionado. Aficionado? Aficionado. We've gone through this in our pet store review episode. Oh, aficionado. Because I said aficionado and you're like oh did you do that on purpose i can only imagine that the regulars and five-star aficionados love this experience for reasons that

have little to do with heterosexual aesthetic or gastronomic appeal i freely admit i don't get it if i missed the product that was actually being sold here forgive me if it was supposed to be about entertainment or god forbid coffee complete and total fail on every level. End of review. I already finished my wine. I'm that stressed out right now. This is just terrible. Yeah.

I mean, it has to be done. That's the sad thing. This has to be done for the sake of humanity. We're out here uncovering, uncovering the truth, the truth of humanity. Humanity. Yes. Of Brian. Of Brian. Yeah. What's that? Monty Python. We're out here uncovering the truth of humanity.

Of Brian. Of Brian, yeah. What's that Monty Python, Life of Brian? Life of Brian. This is the fucking perils of Brian. Is it one of those where you go to the profile and it's just 50 one-star reviews and one two-star review it seems like that kind of person it's a lot of like three-star views which is almost more annoying because it's like they literally sit there and spend their whole time trying to come up with like critiques of places so they have to find

something wrong right yeah yeah which is just irritates the hell out of me there are a couple five stars and like weirdly enough when i maybe not weirdly but i read or i glanced at them and i was like it doesn't even appeal to me anymore that this person gave this a five-star review because i don't want to go where he'd like like i don't like i don't trust him i don't trust his review yeah definitely so um we're past brian i'm so sorry about that okay moving on we're gonna end on some higher notes here. Please. This is a review of Street Bean Coffee by Jareth. Just get ready to love Jareth. One star.

My girlfriend spoke so highly of this place. Sorry, babe. I have to disagree. I came here one time and as a master reader of microexpressions with an associate... What is wrong with you, Seattle? Okay. As a master reader of microexpressions with an associate's degree in performance theater, it wasn't hard to miss the attitude of the barista. Her stature was not one of customer relations

but was carried with negativity she did not have the genuine smile baristas are famous for what what do you mean baristas are famous for i don't know she may have coffee knowledge but what use is that without appropriate service? Not a fan. Very unimpressed. What use is that? I mean, like, fuck. What does that mean?

What? I have a feeling Brian would love this place. Yeah, exactly. Like. No, but like, what? You go for the coffee. Either you go for the coffee. What do these people want?

I wish I had gone to Jared's profile and checked if he mentions his associate's degree in performance theater in every single yelp review i really want to know i bet he's that guy who goes to the comedy club like last episode and goes i know a thing or two about comedy i've watched a lot of tv yeah sorry babe yeah okay does does he expect his girlfriend to read his yelp review and find out that he doesn't like this place based on that? Or will he communicate that? No, but he expects all of his readers to know that he has a girlfriend. Oh, that's what it is. And an associate's degree.

Yeah. I don't want to hear it. I know what you're about to say, but I don't want to hear it. He's a master reader of micro-exposures. No! I said no! I hated that. continue okay now there's this other place i found oh that was all of that one yes thank goodness sorry i can breathe end of review so there's this other uh place that i found called bedlam coffee it looks really cool inside a lot kind of like quote-unquote quirky like just like cool shit on the wall it's very like hipster like genitalia just like stubbly obtuse all over the walls um very trendy place you know yeah um but like one of a kind kind of yeah uh so

there's this like uh interesting trend that i've discovered on this Yelp page, which is that the owner responds to every negative review quite aggressively. Oh, that's not the way to play it. And sometimes it's warranted, and it's like, oh yeah, good for you. But a lot of times it's like, okay. It's a little iffy. Let's just put it that way. It goes a little far, I guess I would say. But a lot of time I'm like, yeah, okay okay you're standing up for yourself in your coffee shop um there were somewhere i guess he was like this is a fake review uh i can tell this is fake you were never here i checked the security footage and then i like went and clicked on the person's profile and they seem

pretty legit i don't know and then this other person he was like, no, I was there, like March 27th or whatever. Yeah. But yeah, so I'm not really sure what is going on here. Oh, today's March 27th. That's why I said that. Right. So this is one that I thought was like kind of warranted. Or this is the first one I read where I went, okay, like he's fighting back. Yeah. Okay.

This is a review from Alyssa, one star. My friend and I stopped in yesterday afternoon after visiting Puzzle Break across the street. We were wanting a good 3 p.m. pick-me-up, and we both had probably the worst drinks we have ever had since living in Seattle. My friend had the worst iced latte known to man. I promise I'm not making this up. We ended up throwing it away in a street trash can half a block away. As you pay for your coffee, they have a sign that reads all the things you shouldn't be. No anti-gay, etc. But the one that really made me upset was no anti-abortion?

Question mark, question mark, question mark, question mark. So they don't want customers who don't believe in the human right to life? What? Remember, to be inclusive means including everyone, not just people who agree with you. I'm not usually one to leave reviews. As you can see, this is only my fourth ever Yelp review. I was just so appalled. Now here. You know how many Yelp reviews I have?

How many? Zero. I'm not one how many Yelp reviews I have? How many? Zero. I'm not one to write Yelp reviews. If you've written four, you are one to write Yelp reviews. In my opinion. I don't know. That's like the people who say no offense, but it's like whatever you're about to say is completely. And I bet they're all one star because they won't give a positive review somewhere because they don't want to take that time.

But if they've got some sort of thing against the place they'll put that one star review completely like the ultimate yelp cliche so i'm gonna read ben's response the owner alissa the sign remember the sign that says oh oh i remember no like anti-abortion yeah alissa the sign actually reads no assholes which it does actually like they talk about it the sign actually reads no assholes and isn't honesty always the best policy i like that in the case of writing a review or responding to one on yelp shouldn't all parties be guided by the truth that means being honest about a reviewer's real intentions versus a person's expectations, an establishment's atmosphere, online profile, and overall guest experience. So let us be honest. All you really wanted to do was take your outrage

to Yelp and post your personal political manifesto dressed up as an objective review. While you are certainly free to your own opinions we are equally free to say no you cannot enter our home oh okay i like that but i just love that because they were like there were pictures of there were pictures of this freaking sign and it's like that it doesn't what a bizarre thing to lie about it's so weird right because at first i was like okay i guess why i understand why someone would be like put off by that if they had differing beliefs or whatever like i like it makes logical sense yes but this just makes no sense like i was like what in god's yeah that's so weird people

just find any way to just say what i don't know it really was the most like bermuda triangle of yelp pages because i was reading these like none of this make. There were people who were saying like I was eating pizza when I walked in. And it turns out there's like this whole saga where it turns out that they actually were friends with the people who own the coffee shop down the street. And they were like writing fake reviews. Like it was. No, but yeah. Bananas.

I believe that shit happens, of course, all the time. And like I remember seeing one review. It was on Google reviews. It was just one star. like it was no but yeah bananas believe that shit happens of course all the time right and like i remember seeing one review it was on google reviews it was just one star and i didn't like notice who was by they didn't include any text and but there was an owner response and usually they say something like oh well let us know if we can like come in like try again sorry like what tell us what happened and this one he was like your profile just says undefined this really seems like a fake review meant to just bring our rating down because it was like as the name just said undefined there wasn't even it wasn't someone's profile like no one yeah so someone

probably created a profile just in order to put a one-star review he's like i can see that you've been banned from like six other establishments for posting fake reviews. Yeah. So that's that. And then it's kind of like what I do where I ban people all the time from reviewing our podcast. Yeah. You gotta, you know. Put that ban hammer down and say, nope.

You gotta. Four stars. Nope. Not good enough. Gotta give us five. Wrong. So then I clicked on alissa's profile because obviously of course she insisted that she only what did she say this is only my fourth

review right so she had seven and like since then wait this oh yeah oh she had seven so i was like i'm gonna just click and see what happens every single review is one star i called it yeah you did there are maybe two stars, but like every single one, either one or two stars, all six. And every, almost every single one, maybe every single one insists, I'm not one to complain or I'd never write negative. I would never say anything negative. It's so obvious, right? They have one five-star review. It is of... I'm so excited. Epic Life Christian Church.

I knew it. I freaking knew it. So it's kind of like, what were you doing here? They literally have a Yelp agenda. That's so bizarre to me. How bonkers is that? Believe what you want, whatever. But why would you...

Leave them out of it. Bring these random coffee shops into it. Come on. It made no sense to me so i just was thought that was like a wild like peek into humanity clearly i have like a thing going on this this week with just look we're almost at episode 20 this is becoming a humanitarian thing that we're doing oh my god human right this is our agenda. Okay. So, I'm sorry. This has taken so long. We're almost done. But I did really want to look at Starbucks. So, I found the Starbucks Reserve Roastery and Tasting Room.

Oh, I actually want to go there. Which is like super fancy. Emma's been there. It's supposedly really cool. They give you like tastings of different things, right? Yeah, you have to pay for them though, which there were a lot of mad people that they couldn't walk in and get free coffee. Which I was like, okay. Yeah, so it's a tasting room where you can try different roasts and stuff like that. So I have a couple little one stars.

This is Chris's. This location has no reason to have this much business my 16 year old son is a coffee fanatic and when we came to this location all the way from houston texas the employees were not accommodating to the fact that i wanted somebody to send some coffee to my house once a month what How can you feel so entitled that you write a one-star review? Oh my. It's a Starbucks.

What world are they living in? I even offered to pay for the coffee. So generous. I even offered to pay for the coffee and the shipping expenses. I was then told to take a card to my local Starbucks, and they might have coffee in that flavor profile.

Unfortunately, that was not the case. End of review. That was just dumb. And why did they bring their son into it? They came all the way from Houston because he's a coffee fanatic. Specifically for the son? I believe so, yes. They were came all the way from Houston because he's a coffee fanatic. Specifically for the son. I believe so, yes.

They were visiting all the way from Houston, this coffee shop. When I was 16, I think I had my first Frappuccino without coffee. And I was like, oh, I'm going to start getting into coffee now. Ken Woodmall, good times. Ken Woodmall, hashtag, shout out. So then Matt has a one-star review. Not about the hype of this place. Not about the thousands of people coming here to just take selfies and sit and write a screenplay with their edible granola Tom's shoes.

End of review. That's the Seattle I was looking for. There it is. And then one more from Kate. Told us that pets are not allowed when we were buying their coffee beans. We already have the beans and are just waiting in line to pay. But one of their employees said we have to leave because dogs are not allowed according to Seattle City Code. I mean, I get it, but you could have put a sign on the door just like some restaurants do.

End of review. No, then you don't get if you're giving them one star, then you don't get it. Was that one star? Yes. No, then you don't get, if you're giving them one star, then you don't get it. Was that one star? Yes. Oh my gosh. Just stop. Maybe don't write a one. Their only five star review was of a pet store.

So there you go. Maybe don't write a one star review based on that. Maybe go there without your dog because your dog can't be in there. And then write a review just based on the establishment, and maybe put a little note that says, FYI, dogs are not allowed. It actually says on the Yelp at the top, like, pets allowed? No. Oh my god.

And then just one last little shout out to Jackie, who emailed us a suggestion. Yes, hi Jackie. This is, so Jackie sent a suggestion via email uh to look into biscuit bitch which is a uh an establishment in seattle that actually i know of because when we were there i tried to go because it was near our hotel sounds delicious but they were closed and apparently they close sometimes when it's too hot out and so that's one of the complaints which well unfortunate but if i work there i'd appreciate that agreed so this is a uh one star review of biscuit bitch unless i'm not getting paid then

maybe i wouldn't appreciate that so i don't know get any tips out of that that was probably a dumb statement this is by shona one star are you the people who don't like Republicans for customers? Are you the people who don't like Republicans for customers? What extra little treat do you add to their food? If you're a Republican and or Trump supporter, don't let them know it. End of review. Okay.

Yeah, that's a good, maybe, maybe no one just discussed your political affiliation when you go to Biscuit Bitch, because no one cares. I do like that they said, like, are you the people that did this? I forget, but I'm going to yell at you anyway. The people in Seattle. The people. There was a guy who maybe was associated with this person who was like, I was wearing a Trump hat, and they told me to leave. And I was like, oh dear. So I didn't get into that one, but that one was funny to me. God damn it. Are you the people that don't like Republicans?

I'm not going to wait for you to answer. That's all. Sorry, guys. That was very fucking long. Well, there are a lot of coffee shops in Seattle. I was really overwhelmed. I'm glad you found all those because I was like i don't really have that many but i found a lot for my challenge you did have a lot to go go on for this yes i found seven like right away and so the challenge was to find a review where someone was upset that people were too nice

and i narrowed it down oh so i don't have seven right now don't don't worry i wasn't like you i narrowed it down i just read seven um so my first one is of in and out in pico rivera california in and out burger yes oh cool oh cool i've heard of it yeah hip yeah we're with it i'm wearing all black and i am depressed or what was it i think you were sickly i'm sickly and depressed something like sickly grieving grieving in all black um this is from crystal and it's one star cool i think this must have been a joke the food was so salty there was salt on the bun. I've never experienced this before. It was inedible. It's raining late and they are busy. I feel as if this was a way to get back at the customers since there was people complaining about how salty the food was. I spent $21 and

threw away the animal fries, a cheeseburger and two grilled cheeses because there was actually salt. Salt! All over the buns. It's cold and it's raining, so I'm not going back. I thought the other person complaining was being dramatic, but I really think this was a joke since the staff was being way too friendly. They are friendly, but this was borderline suspicious. End of review. Wait, so they think that like there was a big prank

where they poured salt on the food? Because everyone's being so friendly. They're like, ooh, eat this burger. And I love how they like interrupted themselves to say, it's cold, rainy, I'm not going back. Don't forget. They said that it's cold and rainy twice. It's like this weird.

They're setting the scene. Yeah. Maybe this is another fanfic. Yeah, probably. It sounds like some sort of detective thing where they're like have one train of thought going and they look out the window it's cold and then they go back to the salt like oh it's something's up something's fishy here they really are i think you're right they're trying to write the next Sherlock Holmes they're pretty close i think maybe just a couple more yelp reviews maybe this don't tell any like bibliophiles

but this might be the a step up yes in my opinion yes but don't tell those bibliophiles because we don't want them complaining the great salt salt uh salt caper fiasco caper that's a good one um okay and this next one is of uh dutch bros in woodland california have you been to dutch bros they're not called dutch brothers i know it as dutch bros i haven't i've seen the sign i've never been in there i didn't even know they had them in california i don't know what that is well i went in oregon and portland oh and they are known for their service in that they're very outgoing, the people who work there. Like, the first time I went, I was overwhelmed, alarmed. And, like, Allie warned me, too, going in.

Yeah, it's a thing. Ew. But that's their thing. They're very friendly. And I told them it was my first time, and they gave me a free drink. They sang a song. The whole drink was free. They gave you a free drink?

If you go your first time. Shit. If you go anytime, just say it's your first time i guess that's not don't do that you're not in the spirit of dutch bros anyway here's my two-star review of not mine i was like wait i five stars to dutch bros i did like it stop no this is nathan's two-star review of dutch bros okay dutch bros is a coffee shop for people who know nothing about what coffee should taste like. Oh god, not again. It's all this super sweet whipped cream bull crab coffee drinks that basically ruin coffee in all its goodness.

Some people think this is what coffee is supposed to taste like. Also, they are always way too friendly. I'm sorry, but relax kids. Take it down a couple notches. And get out of my car window. I don't like you like that. They're literally, though, when you go, they're like leaning out. What do you mean they're in my car?

It's like a freaking party. I don't know if I like this. It's an experience. This is scary. No, all it is, it's like a drive-thru, by the way. They're all, at least the ones I've seen, they're all drive-thrus. I was like, why are they coming to your car in the parking lot? They're all drive-thrus, the ones I know of.

It sounds like Blaze's worst nightmare. Oh, yeah. No, yeah no he would hate it yeah but i mean they're not like i don't know they're not literally getting in your car but they are friendly and like apparently it's a big thing for kids who like like when they're back from college or it's like a very like college kid kind of job thing that's what how i it was described to me so so it's like really young people having a lot of fun but nathan doesn't like you like that exactly yeah exactly anyway if you want fake coffee drinks for people who can't handle real coffee with real coffee flavor this might be your place great i'm in end of review so yeah there's one in seattle because that's probably not going to go over i doubt it do you think brian i'm i want to send brian there oh my god i'm a dancer too oh my god as she leaned in the window and battered her eyelashes her stubby genitalia

sorry i'm just quoting oh it's getting it's getting worse oh my god okay yeah i regret it worse oh my god okay yeah i regret it um oh no okay so i'm so sorry okay you just i don't know if i can continue no that's my last one okay um this is of the society of the blind in sacramento california oh i forgot we weren't just doing food i was like is that the name of a restaurant no this is my bob okay two stars wait wait wait sorry it's wait where is this place sacramento okay beware if you play their tuesday matinee bingo session. Wait. No. Okay.

A couple of volunteers are way too friendly with a small group of players to the point of getting one coffee. Maybe not so coincidentally, these players managed to win fairly regularly. End of review. Are you kidding with me? Are you kidding with me? Are you kidding? So, wait, so this guy has a problem thinking that there's...

So these people all think that something's suspicious. So this is another Sherlock Holmes story, is what we're saying. Yeah. The case of the Braille... Braille bingo? Bingo heist. Yeah. Let me...

I'll give you a little bit about this place cool um it's it provides services and programs for people who are blind or have who have low vision okay um and yeah it's a volunteer program a lot of volunteers there fucking sometimes and bob's like he's like oh i can i can win some bingo here. Oh, my God. Is that person volunteer getting coffee for a group of players? Right. His bar is like, to the point, get this. They got this person coffee. A volunteer got this participant coffee.

And I don't, like, the way bingo works, I'm not saying it's impossible to cheat, but I feel like it's a lot of effort to cheat how like with the balls like unless this is like some like massive scam where they give them like pre-made like it doesn't make any sense it makes no sense it makes no sense i mean bob like this is literally me playing video games and i die i'm like that person must be cheating right like this guy sucks at bingo and wants to bob not this guy just sucks at bingo yeah i think that's really the moral of this uh uh that's what sherlock holmes came up thank you that's where i was going this is okay i'm done wow what

a disaster this is also very coffee related yeah that's true like i don't know we had our theme wait yeah both of the ones you just said were coffee yep what is wrong with they were all west coast yep i i looked at multiple and i had seven from different states but i happened to pick three in california people give new england shit for being all dunkin donuts but like clearly the west coast has some like fucking trauma around coffee i fucking love dunkin donuts terrible me too anyway anyway uh let me tell the people where they can find us and then i'm going to read a okay uh a listener review and we're going to reveal the theme and challenge for next week

you can find us on instagram and twitter at beach to sandy facebook at beach to sandy water too wet our email is beach to sandy at gmail.com our website is beach to sandy.com you can support us on patreon at patreon.com slash beach to sandy subscribe to our youtube subscribe to our youtube channel youtube.com slash c slash beach to sandy water to wet and buy our merch at shop.spreadshirt.com slash beach to sandy yay now i have a listener review awesome this is from the weird writer the title is seniors have a groovy time after hearing episode three for the first time i laughed so hard i nearly had a feminist agenda i wanted to put this podcast to the test to see if the two hosts could change lives i live in a community with perfect What? Really? help them to understand Yelp a little bit more. Many keep having a grandly groovy time because of the witty banter.

The host even made a few outspoken elderly Apple lovers understand that saying the word sup outside of an Apple store is totally cool and something everybody absolutely does. A few even said they would give up Fox News to keep up with updates. Since this podcast can figuratively

change literal lives, I highly suggest this podcast can figuratively change literal lives i highly suggest this podcast to anyone even outspoken elderly white dudes end of review oh my god well they haven't gotten to the episodes where we swear a lot and say true we kept it pretty clean the first few episodes words later on so i'm sorry in advance i bleeped out the worst of it you're right you're right you're right thank you thank you very much the weird writer thank you the weird writer time for you to give me the theme for next week okay our theme for next week is elementary schools in pittsburgh pennsylvania oh where the the youth that become the pittsburgh steelers fans it's gross a dark place very dark okay dark time okay what's my challenge your challenge is it's fairly general okay it's to find a review of a place outside of the united states uh Uh-huh. Okay, I'll do that.

Where someone talks about how America is superior. Oh, God. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. Starbucks in Paris, here I come. Yeah, exactly. I want someone to be in a freaking French cafe. French cafe.

Like, in a beautiful location and say, man, I miss starbucks in downtown la these fruity macaroons i'm excited yep so that's that's okay i'm so aunt you guys that's gonna be a fun one this one goes out to all the seniors yes absolutely hopefully you'll just skip to this one because we didn't curse as much yeah and also we didn't say anything about trump or or uh the c word so yeah what what we we use that i just heard a bleep i never heard that c word in this podcast c word is cream baron of cream baron of cream yes okay well our favorite people goodbye goodbye to all of our favorite people goodbye