Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 191: Reviews of Recipes

Episode Date: July 27, 2022

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hello darlings, this is Lisa Vanderpump. Will you join me in France for a new reality show? Meet my hand-selected staff as they work, live and play at Chateau Roosevelt. Their job is to provide once-in-a-lifetime experiences for our guests, and of course they'll have to meet my standards, and not everybody has what it takes. Vanderpump Villa has first-class luxury and world-class drama. I'll be there, will you? Vanderpump Villa premieres April 1st, streaming on Disney+. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people

who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello, everyone. Welcome to Beachy Sandy Water 2 at the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. My name is X-Teen. My name is Zandy. Welcome.

We have big news. Big news. Oh my God. We're going live in Chicago. Live again. Y'all did so well coming to our Cincinnati and Columbus show that we've booked a show in Chicago. Yeah, we bullied you so much to buy tickets. We were so rude.

We were so rude to you but the thing is it worked because uh the venue said they that we had great sales for a wednesday evening in ohio so we'll take it so now we're on a saturday in chicago hell yeah so so now you better actually snap up your tickets this is not me bullying you but i really no excuse it's it's uh there's i think 300 seats at the venue so book up your seat quick yep um and we're gonna be selling merch there we're already getting this set up the show's in october by the way and october 15th october 15th and i'm just so excited we're gonna read local reviews of Chicago hotspots.

Only the bean. We're only reading bean reviews, actually. Only reading reviews of beans. Just beans. Not even the beans. We didn't really understand what someone told us about the bean. And anyway. That's why they call it Bean Town.

It's a joke. Don't worry. Okay. My brain was trying to grind along, like, figure it out, figure it out. No, I didn't follow. Anyway, we're here today to not only bully you, but also to go over... Something very specific. Oh, sorry.

Regarding the merch that we're selling. We're bringing back a pin. Yep. Just for the live show. Just for Chicago. Okay, we say that now. Just for Beant bean town our only plan right now for this pin the left loot god i already messed it up yeah uh liberal left no

left wing liberal no lunatic left wing liberal loser thank you uh we're bringing that pin back for the live show so uh you can snag one up there stop telling us to bring it back because we're only bringing it back to the specific bullying us we're gonna bully you right back right back anyway so yeah october 15th at the den theater hope to see you there um they're going there's going to be a link below uh in or the show notes wherever you're listening to this and you said link below and i look down what did i look down at the floor my cat hair covered carpet what do i think is down there there's a tommy pickles uh dog toy that's void of uh stuffing some people view it as a dog toy some people view it as a baby toy nobody really knows i mean it is a baby dog toy you know yeah well it's also a baby it's also

dog toy for leona so okay you know gross go to beachy sandy.com the tickets will be there i'm gonna don't let me forget that i'm gonna update our website i think we still have the old live show on there i won't let you forget okay anyway so can't wait to see y'all there chicago october 15th get your tickets asap Let's read reviews of recipes. Let's do it. We didn't give each other a challenge last week, so we're just reading reviews of recipes. Because there's so many. Wow.

This was a great theme. And I only used a couple emails and then found the rest. It was, yeah, it was pretty good finding. It was not a complicated process. It was good pickings is what I was trying to say. Can you go first? Yes, I would love to. Actually, this is funny.

No. Really? Thank God it's about time. We're hundreds of episodes in. So I have two emails from the same person. One was sent April 28th of 2021. Okay. And then one was sent in May 28th of 2021 okay and then one was sent in may oh so both recipes but neither because of the theme exactly as from lindsey she her lindsey's second email said this is the second

time i'm sending you a recipe reviews and you guys should totally just do an episode based on these types of reviews well lindsey we've heard your cries. And then she said, some are just bananas, pun intended. This is a review for Catherine Hepburn's brownies from New York Times Cooking. This is by Sydney. That's her real name, and you'll find out why. This has been my go-to brownie recipe for 30 years, even after going to baking school. I agree that using the best cocoa possible makes a difference. In the 80s, an acquaintance in Germany to whom I brought some of the brownies and who considered herself a great cook asked for the recipe but was never able to get it to work.

She kept asking me what she was doing wrong and I was never able to solve her problem. Eventually, she moved to the US and stole my husband. End of review. Oh my god! Yeah. Okay, first off, that's so familiar. And I feel like maybe I read it on A Between You and Us once. Oh.

Like a long time ago. Maybe. Because I was like, something dramatic's about to happen. Yeah. Like I just knew it was coming. But also, that happens in so many of these reviews where you're like, what? Like 180. And then they're like, anyway, it's a little salty.

People were wild with those. It is out of control on these comments. And this person, though. Yeah. Was tracked down by NPR. Yep. And there's a there's an article titled Catherine Hepburn's Brownies, a recipe for homewrecking. And apparently, the New York Times published an article talking about all of the comments that have been reviewed by its moderators.

It says more than 16 million comments. And then that one is considered their all-time favorite. Really? Yeah. So this one was like famous within the times. And there's like even a picture of her here, like in the article about it. So go look it up. But do you want to read the whole thing? Did we figure out about the husband stealing?

Yeah. She was just basically like, yeah, it was just true. Like she was just saying. It's just my life. What more do you want? She said, I have a degree in baking. I've actually thought about what could have gone wrong with the other woman's brownies because the other woman was saying like, oh, I can never get this to work.

It said maybe it had something to do with difference between ingredients in Germany and ingredients here. Could have been the size of the egg. Could have been something about the grain of the finest of the sugar. And then it says what Newberry does know is that her current husband of 21 years absolutely loves her brownies um so yeah that is just next level and she said if you want to steal somebody's husband you should screw up a brownie recipe okay taking notes wow that's uh that's something i mean i'm telling you that is the theme of this whole episode just like wild left turns that you don't expect here i have okay so

i will say i'm pretty sure i just took this theme as an opportunity to redeem myself from the one challenge i had which was was back when we were in LA, and it was to find reviews of recipes where people changed the recipe. Oh, my God. I think your friend came up with that one. There are so many. And now I...

Yeah, Krista. Krista came up with it. I had too many. Now, I was like, man, I clearly wasn't looking in the right places last time. I had a few, but that's a majority of mine, I think. Because they're just so much funnier.

I definitely had some of those. Especially when the people would respond to those and just be so sassy. I'm starting to worry we have the same ones. No way. Okay. I don't think so. So I have a three-star review by Cheryl. This was sent in by Jess.

She, her. And it is of Perfect Chocolate Brownies on food.com. I've substituted baking powder for vinegar, shortening for butter, and cocoa powder for Hershey bars. It's been in the oven for 30 minutes and still liquidy. End of review.

That's so ridiculous! That's just like the whole thing. Everything. you substituted the main ingredients that a lot of my reviews kind of end up being even wilder variations on that the thing is i don't bake i don't know anything about baking but i could never would never be like oh yeah cocoa powder i don't have that let me put a hershey bar in there is that what they said other i think other way around I've substituted wait no I think you might be right they literally put Hershey bars in there

instead of cocoa powder smother hang on no wonder it's completely different liquidy because it's melted chocolate and vinegar by the way oh my god you have the... Actually, I don't know if I have them, but I saw so many people who confused apple cider. Oh, I have one of those. Okay, never mind then. I'll be quiet. But, yeah. Christina, those... Oh, my God.

It was of a donut recipe. Oh, a donut one? And they said, it's just too vinegary. And they were like, no, no, apple cider, not apple cider vinegar. I saw it in sangria. So, like some... Oh, sangria would be bad maybe i did have that okay maybe i shouldn't have spoiled it i'm just so that was the worst i saw so

just popped in my head okay my next one is the next one that lindsey sent in a year later um This is a review of Star Spangle on. What? Sorry. Star Spangle Layered Dip. Oh, boy. And it's like dip. Pinterest special. Yeah. I mean, first of all, it doesn't look very appetizing.

No, I'm sorry. That sounds rude. Christina. Mayonnaise? I don't know. I don't like it. Might be cheese There's guacamole

Beans Sour cream Scallions Cheese Olives Blah blah blah I can get behind that So

It's basically In the shape of an American flag Yeah American flag dip It's like 4th of July situation Yes Exactly Here's a review

One star This is disrespectful to out country our veterans and our children how dare you use the flag in such a sacrilegious manner end of review i'm allergic to avocados. How could you? Are those avocados from Mexico? Okay, they might have a point there. Alexander, don't let this person on the internet or out of their house, because if they think this is the most sacrilegious thing anyone's done to the American flag. I can't even. Make a dip.

Like people wear American flag shorts. Like booty shorts. Yeah. What are you talking about? their poor blood pressure must be what do they do on fourth of july what do you think anyone is doing i don't know i mean it's against flag code to wear the flag and yet everyone does it not that i care about flag code it's not like it's a legally binding thing citizens arresting everyone who's breaking the flag code who's violating the sacred flag code i mean you can burn the flag yeah that is protected you can and i do no i'm just kidding you i mean by, probably considering I'm constantly lighting candles. No, I just, I feel like they're misdirecting.

This is a recipe with like 20 reviews. This isn't even. It's not like Martha Stewart's number one hit recipe. Some of those New York Times ones have so many reviews. There's probably entire books about making patriotic appetizers. Yeah. And I feel like this person is going to find that at Half Price Books and snap. Okay, the next one I have is from Michelle Sheher, who is, by the way, a full-time food blogger and cookbook author.

Oh. And of course, I went around and peeked a little bit at her site. It's called Unbound Wellness. When you peekedaked did it peak your interest it piqued my interest and when i peeked at it it peaked back you know that nature quote yikes so yes so uh it's called unbound wellness and she has a very popular Instagram, too. I was impressed. I was like, girl.

So she sent this. I wonder you're saying all of her info. Well, I figured I would shout out the blog since it's pretty successful. That's pretty great. This is a review of a chili hash recipe from tasteofhome.com, which is basically, according to Michelle, a potato hash meets chili, which sounds, according to Michelle, Midwestern and pretty good. So just like a chili hash combo. Okay. And this is a three-star review by Steve, and then it has a response.

The recipe name was misleading and not what I had in mind. Based on the name, I was looking for a recipe to turn a can of corned beef hash I had on hand into chili without having to go buy ground beef. End of review. What? I think he was looking for like a sorcery, like a hex or like a witchcraft, a potion. I don't know how you would turn a can of hash, whatever. And also, why would you leave that review if you realize that you're just kind of telling on yourself here? I read the title wrong, three stars. I don't know what I'm doing.

Let me read a review saying that this is not, what? They said the title was misleading, but it's called Chili Hash, which I don't find very, it's actually pretty. I mean, it's probably as clear as you could possibly get. And this is a response by Adele, by the way, two years later, which is like, at that point, I'm sure Steve's moved on. Or maybe not. Maybe he's still fuming. It's hard to say. So Adele says, so did you bother making it or are you just skewing the rating due to

your disappointment at not having the correct ingredients? I mean, I think we all know the answer. Of course, he didn't bother making it because, again, he didn't have any chili. Y'all don't leave reviews of recipes if you don't make the recipe. That's the other thing that becomes a theme in today's episode, I think. I'd say. It's a very common one. My next one is of tomato watermelon gazpacho with avocado.

Okay. You don't sound too impressed. I don't like fruit in my food, as everybody knows. I would never seek this out, but if it's sitting in front of me, I'd probably eat it and enjoy it. I might try but i'm not i i probably like it i just it's not my thing also i have a new york times like account and everything that i get for free yeah um congratulations thanks d and i accidentally saved 54 recipes by accident yeah i do that all the time i don't know how to get rid of them because you Because you hit a collection and then

it's like 106 recipes saved. I tried to open it. I have the New York Times cooking app too. And by the way, I had it, did a free trial or something, and then I canceled it. And then I, there were so many recipes where I was like, I need that damn cooking app that I now just pay for it and it's worth it.

Okay. I don't pay for a lot of like apps and stuff, but man. Except you're like. Except Yahtzee and New York Times cooking. What do you want from me? I was like, don't you play some like random game? What do you want from me? Okay.

Here's a review of that tomato watermelon gazpacho with avocado. I left out the bread, added a few dashes of tobacco sauce, and the juice of one lime, and it brightened it up a bit. Tobacco sauce? Oh no. Oh no. Just a little typo that I thought was funny. I love that the phone was like, got it, got it, got it, tobacco sauce, got it.

Yeah, tobacco sauce and juice of one line? That sounds like a joy. Talk about brightening it up. Just like some nicotine poisoning. Honestly, tobacco sauce reminds me, it just sounds like what they make men's cologne. Oh, true. Cedar and tobacco and leather. I had a tobacco deodorant at some point.

Yeah, it's so wild how they're like, men like leather and tobacco and cedar. I mean, it's not always a terrible smell, I'll be honest. But in my gazpacho, I don't think so. Now I just have lavender in my gazpacho and my armpits. I put lavender sauce in my gazpacho. This is from Shaylee Sheher. I hope I'm pronouncing that right. It starts with a C-H,

so maybe it's Kaylee. She said she was listening to the podcast True Crime Obsessed when one of the hosts mentioned finding this review on Amazon. So the review is of something called The Anarchist Cookbook. Do you know about this? Yes. Okay. I am really dumb and I had heard of it, but I didn't actually realize what it was. I thought it was a cookbook for- It'll put you on a list. Gazpacho, et cetera. Uh-huh. But no.

It is the anarchist cookbook first published in 1971. A book containing instructions for the manufacture of explosives, rudimentary telecommunications, freaking devices, and related weapons, as well as instructions for the home manufacture of illicit drugs including lsd i had no idea alexander i didn't know lsd was in there i knew it was like explosives i mean what i cannot believe this okay well this is a one-star review by christian it's a top critical review on amazon and the title is not original not 1971 it's 2018 do not buy does not contain recipe for meth majority of the instructions are useless and or are merely

descriptions i know now that any real anarchist cookbook will not be available in pdf or for 20 dollars they cost 200 at least this is basically a government-approved anarchist cookbook. Not original. Do not buy. Well, yeah, you're buying it off Amazon. I expect. Hello. I'm buying the Kindle version. I do kind of hate

how there's like a watered-down anarchist cookbook with the same name. With the name i mean to be fair the top uh positive review says my car oh wait no the top positive review is someone saying i have the original 1971 version oh they're admitting to it but there's they're not oh they're not even they're not i don't think they're not. Oh, they're not even. They're not reviewing this book. I don't think they're reviewing this product.

They're just saying, oh, I have the original. They're saying, guess what I have. I can make meth all day. Losers. Loser. So when I didn't know what the anarchist cookbook was and I saw that review that said it doesn't even have the recipe for meth, I was like, I think I need to do some Wikipedia. I think I'm a little mixed up. I mean, it sounds like a joke

review yes i thought it was like 100 serious wow it doesn't even have can you imagine like just let me instead of like googling how to make meth which i'm sure you can just google you have to order a cookbook off amazon it's just it's just and if you're thinking oh i'm gonna get caught if i just google it well you're putting your review on amazon that's just it's just and if you're thinking oh i'm gonna get caught if i just google it well you're putting your review on amazon that's what you want to do you're seeking exactly at that point it's too late for you already apparently the author actually asked for it to be recalled later in life like he wished it would be really yeah wow he called for the book to be withdrawn but the the publisher, which owned the copyright, refused.

Yikes. Anyway. Let's move on. That was a turn. I loved it. Okay. So recipe, but not a traditional one. Yes.

No, it still counts. My next one is, I have a few from this one. This is a very polarizing recipe. The greenest green salad. Oh, boy. Anytime you put a superlative people are gonna complain there's one um very good made for greg and jenna for sunday dinner next time don't include the snap peas

and like it's it's very much like who cares but in a very cute way like i don't actually mind this is not a slice of life this is so kind of sweet you know they just want to share with internet strangers about that they made it for greg and jenna but to be honest when i worked as at the investigations company that was the kind of stuff I looked for. That's wild. Because people overshare on the internet all the time. They really do. And so I would just go and try to piece together where they were, what they were doing, who were they with, Greg or Jenna.

Yeah. Well, I'm going to read this next one because this one might get someone in trouble. Oh, my God. She's going to say, Greg and went to sunday dinner and we had this horrible salad at our friend's house no um this is this is janet who has this to say elka does not like tarragon end of review i gotta write that down before i forget put it in the file highlight it elka was trying to get workers comp saying oh yeah having my tarragon uh salad yeah and then now this is just i broke my tooth eating tarragon that's what it was

although that would be a pretty valid reason not to like tarragon anymore true true um but if if they said oh i uh i had to get my jaw wired shut for and uh i had to miss work for two weeks and i say uh-uh you ate that terragon salad this career investigative work this was so good i'm not kidding it was a hard choice i miss it i do but now i just do it for fun you you know? Okay, this is an article I found, of course, I found boredpanda.com and Ranker. And they had lists of the first one's called 30 times people didn't follow a recipe and then complained about it online. And the Ranker one is called 27 of the wildest comments ever left on recipes in the New York Times food section and so I took those as kind of a starting point and then I went and clicked through the sources and found like where they were getting all this from and interestingly

the bored panda ones were mostly from a subreddit called I don't have I didn't have eggs oh is that what you got I sure got some on there I I went pretty far just in case, though. I only have, I think, one or two from there. Okay, that's fine. Oh, also, good timing. I'm going to shout out Elizabeth, who emailed us that subreddit suggestion back in February. Oh, okay. Yeah, I missed that. And also emailed that Katharine Hepburn's brownie review.

Oh, my gosh. Pretty funny. Okay. Yeah, and then one of my favorite instagram accounts which i've already talked about which is the new york times cooking comments instagram page um and so i didn't go on there okay i got a lot from that most minor from that um it's one of my favorite instagrams if you don't it's sometimes they're just like adorable like i made this for greg and jenna sometimes they're like i mean you'll hear enough from me in a moment so this is one enough from you already okay dad sorry it's like our dad's

exactly what he would say this is one from the new york times cooking comments it's a comment by tww made exactly as prescribed except i left out the cauliflower and potatoes. I substituted carrots and Brussels sprouts. Didn't like. Won't make again. Why would you even say made exactly as prescribed? Well, why would you say either? Like prescribed.

Okay, fair point. Or why would you even say that you made it exactly right when you clearly didn't? Multiple, I'm sorry, cauliflower and potatoes are not the same as carrots and Brussels sprouts. I don't know if anyone's heard that before, but that's my hot take. Different vegetables. Yeah. And it's like people say, oh, not to be mean, but. Oh, yeah.

No offense. Yeah, no offense, but. Here's this wildly offensive statement. Yeah. I don't like tarragon. That's how I this wildly offensive statement. Yeah. I don't like tarragon. That's how I feel about this review. Yeah, it's so offensive. I have one more of this greenest green salad.

Oh, great. This is from Wendy. That is a pile of lettuce. My mother-in-law served me this on my first dinner over at my husband's house. We still laugh about it. I would never serve something like that oh my god wendy that's just so mean they also spelled lettuce l-e-t-t-u-s that's pretty bad oh no wendy you still joke about your mother going and finding a beautiful salad recipe online to serve you at your first...

I'm really annoyed about this. It made me so mad. Wendy, you're being incredibly rude. Like... I would never serve this. You're rude, Wendy. It's good. It seems good.

I don't know. It's just a salad. It's just tarragon and lettuce. Also, Uggs and Ur. Wait. What? I forgot to mention, there is no tarragon in the recipe. Okay.

I'm pretty sure. I just checked and I'm like, wait a second. Okay. Well, that changes everything. Yeah, there's no tarragon. It's not just lettuce, is it? It is. It's not that much don't worry uh two cups snap peas i'm like okay snap peas romaine lettuce uh persian cucumbers green

onions avocado and uh a green goddess dressing that sounds freaking great exactly it's really just a tasty salad all the same color doesn't mean it's whatever. I mean, why am I arguing with Wendy? Wendy is very rude. And also, this means that she went and looked up the recipe or asked her mother-in-law, what was that shitty salad you made so I could go leave it a review? So I could make fun of it? Wow. Wendy, I don't want you over at my house.

You're going to just mock me um okay the next one i have is a recipe for thanksgiving stuffing oh and this is i think from that board panda list and the review is by mama linda and there is oh weirdly enough a response by Daddy-O. Oh no. So here's the original. Sorry, but I tried this and it was awful. It was dry and the flavor, even if it wasn't dry, was not good. A lot of the flavor issue could have been attributable to the sausage I chose. I did use Italian sausage and didn't vary from the recipe. It was disappointing. Hardly anyone, group of about 17, tried it, and I ended up dumping about seven-eighths of the pan. I wanted to try to salvage,

but knew I was kidding myself about anyone eating the leftovers. Sorry, just being honest. Okay, and this is of Thanksgiving stuffing. So this is a response by Daddy-O. It calls for sage, not sausage. Oh, dear God. god the herb not the meat i was gonna say this is some weird stuffing yeah i was like the stuffing normally of like i didn't read that it was stuffing at first and i was like and but once i read that i was like

oh yeah that no don't put that because oh my god i make stuffing a lot at thanksgiving yeah and you need to use a lot of broth to make it not dry so if you're just dumping like meat in there it's so gross i just i just love also that the original review has six down votes and one up vote and then the response has 45 up okay that's good mean, clearly they were just confused. Like, this wasn't meant to be, like, a hateful thing. But I hope they... And they didn't seem too rude about it. No.

I feel like... I hope they did at least a little bit of a face palm when they realized. But who knows? Okay, I've got my first one from this I Didn't have eggs subreddit posted by jcole19. This is a review of the classic Mai Tai. This is what Dawn has to say. So your method of making Mai Tai is incorrect. You want to know how I know?

It's because I met and became friends with one of the 11 soldiers that were stranded on one of the Midway Islands during World War II. What? This sounds like some sort of, like this lady watched Catch Me If You Can and was like, I'm going to try to, I don't know, adopt a new identity. And also this is all text to speech. No, no punctuation. So I knew Mr. Mai Tai. Actually, my dad invented the Mai Tai. I did look into it a little bit more.

What Dawn here is saying, it does not seem correct based on what I've read. Wow, that's shocking. But the origins are, seem quite disputed. Okay. So I'm not gonna, I don't have a horse in that race. Okay, here. Okay. So I'm not going to... I don't have a horse in that race. Okay, here we go. Believe it or not.

I met and became friends with one of the 11 soldiers that were stranded on one of the Midway Islands during World War II with nothing but one of the first half semis that was refrigerated generator and gas had plenty of that. And that half semi, I was filled with fresh fruit all liquors and it was going to be for MacArthur and headquarters as a small bar setup so these soldiers were stranded on this island for two weeks and all of them were cooks and bartenders so they had nothing better to do than eat get rested and eventually they started inventing drinks one of them was the Mai Tai and I met this bartender when he was in his 90s during the 90s at a restaurant in San Diego called the Bali High

His name was Fernando and when he made Mai Tai not only did one of them get you thoroughly wasted lol But it was delicious, but it was packing as well. So finally before he retired I asked him Hey Fernando How do you make this Mai Tai? Cuz I noticed you put your back to us every time you do your wizardry with this drink. And he wrote it on a napkin for me. And so, yeah, nice try. You're close, but it's still wrong. You're missing a key elemental step in preparation and one major ingredient.

So, yeah, which is why I gave your recipe rating a two. And she's not going to say it. That little witch. That's the worst part. It's like, OK, it's it could be a cool story. Least constructive comment ever. Like it could be a cool story. Least constructive comment ever. Like, it could be a nice, instructive, great story. Like, I love hearing old stories.

Like, who knows how accurate this story is? I don't know. She's just sitting there with her napkin. Like, you can't. No one can know. Why not just be like, hey, like, this is actually, like, I met this person who claims to be part of blah, blah, blah. Here's the recipe that they gave me. It's tarragon.

Share it with people. That's the secret ingredient. It's tarragon. Oh, Elka's going to hate it. Good. I don't cook for Elka. I bet Wendy's going to love it, though. Oh, yeah.

I'm telling you, there's something about recipe reviews where people just let it fly. Like they will just say anything and everything. I'm telling you there's something about recipe reviews where people just let it fly like they will just say anything and everything I don't know how or why oh god I just like to also picture that random bartender was just like fucking with her or like she attributed some entire backstory and he was like um I'm just a bartender ma'am okay all right so the next review i have is a three-star review of like a i think it's like a seafood casserole type thing like a seafood like a paella something like that i mean i guess it's not really quite but it's cooked in a casserole dish so anyway okay i don't really have the name of it i'm just kind of trying

to use context clues but here is a review by scoots mahoney three stars i was out of noodles so i used macaroni instead i am allergic to seafood so i used 80 lean hamburg and I never have cream of mushroom, so I substituted tomato paste. What? It gets worse. It tasted a bit bland when I put it in the casserole dish, so I added some garlic, ketchup, salt, peanuts, and alfalfa. What a disappointment. What? Yes, you are a disappointment.

I'm so mad at you right now. Garlic, ketchup, salt, peanuts? Is that one thing? I hope not not i thought it was like one i assume they're just not using commas oh or just text to speech okay but that's maybe worse to text garlic that's what i meant ketchup salt peanuts why are you putting peanut okay it doesn't put tomato paste instead of cream of mushroom and ketchup and they're allergic to seafood why are you looking at this seafood dish wait did you have that were you in a cooking competition you had to make this recipe it sounds like that tv show whatever it's called um hang on i'm gonna figure out the name of this recipe because i need to know

the recipe was for tuna casserole tuna casserole yep wow uh what that means you literally pulled up a seafood tuna recipe and then put hamburger in it why yeah i can't oh god it's awful it's awful and then put peanuts on it what are you doing put peanuts yeah wait that's god i hope it's a joke i'm hoping it's a joke i hope it's a joke too i'm just gonna let that be the truth in my head i like how this person doesn't have cream of mushroom on hand, but they did have alfalfa at their disposal. What? Okay, the amount of people who complained when recipes called for something that they didn't have was way too high. Yeah.

They're like, who has this lying around? It's like, maybe not you, but some people clearly. That's what the grocery store's for. I know. And the one was, I don't even know how to say it. Zatar? Yeah, Zatar, yeah. Zatar.

I have that. So many people complained about it. And then everyone who replied to them was just, you know, this is just a mixture of different herbs that you might already have. Yeah, you can make it at home you can just make it yeah there's so many and they sell it at kroger get over it simple syrup some people were so there were people were like what simple syrup in the cocktail reviews oh my god and then i don't know it's literally sugar and water that's it yeah anyway i don't even like

bake or cook or make cocktails and And I get so unnecessarily upset. I can't imagine having a blog with people's comments. Yeah. On that note, Michelle, are you okay? Because I feel like this is a tough industry to work in, honestly. Right. So here's one. This is also on, this was posted by mdoggig on Reddit.

And I believe it's of like cookies or something. Here we go. One star. Not making these again. I was on the phone talking to my sister and burnt up the whole batch. LOL. But the first time I made them, they were amazing. One star.

On the phone with my sister. These people who admit that it's their fault and then still complain. And don't see the irony there. Talk about misplaced anger. I mean, I guess at least you're not taking it out on your sister. You're taking it out on the recipe itself. And the fact that they made it perfectly the first time

when their sister didn't call with an update. Wow, that's pretty bad. The next one I have is a review by Pam of Beef Stroganoff for Instant Pot. With the little R registered trademark. Of course, of course. This is a two-star review. I have a secret to make Beef Stroganoff extra special. To me, Stroganoff is best made in a slow cooker with my secret ingredient.

I have tried stroganoff without my special ingredient and was very unhappy with it. Great basic recipe. End of review. What? I hate this so much. Also, like, it's the same as a Mai Tai. Like, this doesn't have my secret ingredient. It sucks.

Bye. That's just so obnoxious are these people looking seeking out reviews that's what i think there are recipes where they can review this way because they have their own recipes why are they looking for recipes online if they already have it they have their special secret way why are you fernando wrote it on a napkin so you don't need to go on random websites to review their my ties you know you could do is that thing that i did for dad where i took his like almost uh recipe handwritten out and had it like etched into like on your lower back right i had it uh

i had it yeah it's her famous beef stroganoff. I even had to get the registered trademark for Instant Pot tattooed. But the secret recipe is redacted. Secret ingredient. Secret ingredient. Yeah. Big black line. I had them write tarragon. And then I said, now, can you cross it out, please?

Yeah, no, I had it like etched into a glass. Yeah, that's really cool. Like a baking dish. Oh. I feel like she needs to do that with her napkin yes you know put it like like keep it i don't know i'm worried about that napkin anything happens to that napkin and we're all screwed it's probably a prank recipe it's probably not even correct it's probably like in friends when she's trying to find her grandma's chocolate

chip cookie recipe and it she says like oh it was made by nesle toulouse and it's like nestle nestle you know nestle toll house and so like they find out it's just the one on the back of the the chocolate chip bag anyway good stuff here's a one-star review this is uh posted by rose grim i didn't give this a good rating because i don't like oatmeal raisin cookies but everyone in my family enjoyed them i guess it is an acquired taste sorry beth and beth who the fuck is i think the person who posted the recipe don't you be nice to beth what is going on here and three people found it helpful so like she just made those cookies in anger the whole time like she made them right for her family um yeah apparently they're the

recipes beth's spicy oatmeal raisin cookie and this lady just hated every minute of it people enjoyed it but still one star because this person didn't like it fucking hated it yeah and that's that's the title of the post on the subreddit is i don't eat this shit sorry beth sorry beth it's so good also like burying the lead spicy yeah i don't because i i don't i also don't like oatmeal raisin cookies so i but spicy oatmeal raisin cookies sounds even worse. It gives me a little bit of a shudder. It's not my thing. I don't think I am.

I love, my favorite is oatmeal chocolate chip. Okay, but spicy, I think it just means it has like cinnamon and cloves. Oh, give it a little bite. So it has spice to it, sorry. And I guess it's not like. Like spiced rather than like spicy. That's interesting. I like... Sorry, what do you like?

Oatmeal cookies with chocolate chips. Me too. No raisins. Same. No raisins. Same. And if it tricks me, then I'm so upset. So upset.

I might even one star. No, I would never. No. This is one I'm slightly worried you have because I think this was like a popular one on that subreddit. I'm just going to pretend I don't. Okay, excellent. This is by Color Me Stacy, and it is a review of something that I don't know. It's from the New York Times Cooking Comments.

Didn't marinate for 12 hours because my boyfriend and I don't know. It's from the New York Times cooking comments. Didn't marinate for 12 hours because my boyfriend and I don't live together. I was cooking this at his place and I wasn't going to show up in the morning to set up. We've been dating for almost three years,

so we have talked about moving in together, but he wants to live in Brooklyn Heights and that's too far from work for me. Say what you want, but I also enjoy

having my own space. Subbed honey with agave nectar because I'm a millennial. We'll be making again. End of review. What the fuck? Okay, I did not have that. I swear.

That's amazing. Say what you want. It's like, no one said anything. Like, we're letting you say your piece. Like, no one is... Listen, I get it. You want your own space? People need an outlet

and for some reason so many of them choose recipe reviews. Yes. Maybe it's because so many of these recipes have a story ahead of time. I don't know. Have eight pages of their life story. And yeah. I saw one where someone complained.

I said, like, shut up. Like, just give me the recipe. I don't want to read all this. And the person responded, you could have just clicked the button at the middle top that says skip to recipe. Yeah. I always forget to do that, though, because I'm like, oh, just scroll down. And then I'm like, wait, now I'm too far in and I have to keep scrolling. There is an app, actually, that extracts the recipe.

Like, it pulls just that. There's like a browser extension yeah browser extension i think it is and it just pulls that the recipe out of the blog post yeah hey these people these bloggers they gotta get their click somehow and like gotta get people get website traffic at people who are googling that's how they do it do i want to know about michelle's living situation bro Brooklyn Heights? Just kidding, Michelle, I actually do. I would absolutely read that. Tell me more. Tell me more.

But yeah, I don't know. Color Me Stacey is, you know, going through some thoughts about her relationship. You know what? It's not hurting anyone. But I love also that, like, we don't even know. She said didn't marinate for 12 hours and then like we never got oh yeah true there was a very useless yeah yeah like not no results about that but um but maybe stacy got something out of it honestly i hope so because otherwise what a

waste of her time here's a review this of a bolognese sauce. This was posted by Monkey Trumpets. Is this about the dog? Yeah. Damn, I have this in a redemption. Sorry. I love this one. No, no, read it.

I love it. Okay. I cannot comment of the taste of the sauce. It was cooling and I ran a short errand. of the sauce. It was cooling and I ran a short errand. In the meantime, my eight-year-old Labrador retriever, Jake, who had never, ever bothered anything

in the kitchen, somehow got the pot off of the cooktop and ate all of the sauce. The worst part was that I had tripled the recipe. So Jake ate three pounds of bolognese sauce. I am certain he would rate the sauce a five. We had to go out for dinner

but i will make the recipe again and post relevant feedback p.s jake is fine end of review now this is the kind of review i like they say everything give an entertaining story tell me the dog's okay yep uh they give some feedback and then say by the way i will give you more relevant information about the recipe once it's done but also the fact that the dog has never disturbed anything in the kitchen and then was like this is my moment this is my this is the also three pounds in a pot is heavy like this dog must have worked to get that thing off the stove that's incredible good job puppy i mean i'm just so glad he's okay yeah Yeah, me too. That's most important. That sounds really rough on your tummy. Oh, my gosh.

Yeah, Gio's never done that either until. I mean, he's tiny. No, I know, but he doesn't, like, even if it's on the coffee table, like, he won't eat it off of there. But a couple weeks ago. Didn't he eat off your nightstand? Yes, that was the first time. A couple weeks ago, I put something on my nightstand. What was it?

Cake. A cake. Oh, it was a chocolate cake we talked about this it was a piece of oh i said that on the pocket i'm pretty sure okay well i put a piece of chocolate cake and he freaking ate it off my nightstand and i'm like you've never i by the way this doesn't surprise anyone i keep food on my nightstand all the time just never touched it anyway okay um i love that one so this is also from the subreddit this is one fork out of four forks is the rating and it's by born in pc from park city utah omg i'm never using this recipe again i left to go to the bathroom for about two minutes total while the orange peels were simmering in the water and sugar for about 10 minutes already. And when I came back, everything in the kitchen was smoky. And I looked in the pot.

It smelled horrible, disgusting, and everything was black. The orange peels disintegrated and the water evaporated. The pot was stained black. And I just put it in the sink. No water. And it's still boiling. The whole kitchen smells so horrible. I'm so mad.

I did the exact steps as asked. End of review. The lack of self-awareness. I even went to pee when it instructed me to. Maybe they have an app like that one that when you go to the movies it tells you when to take a pee break. When to go pee. Maybe it does it for recipes. It's like, oh, you turned on the stove and put the pretty precarious stuff in the yeah is

your dog at the ready to steal something off the counter why don't you go now yeah that would be a dangerous app i just love like i did everything right i was only gone for like how how in any remote way could the recipe be blamed for that i can't even imagine i don't know how your brain would do gymnastics to try and figure out because people okay people like to be coddled and told every little thing so if the recipe doesn't say make sure to watch it or else it'll burn sure then they'll complain that the recipe didn't tell you didn't warn me that it was so sensitive of a time okay which i can't if you were literally gone for two minutes and you're like it was at 10 minutes and it was perfectly fine i'm like the lack of self-awareness just you just told us that it was your fault and yet you're not taking any you should just

shouldn't have washed your hands that takes a a whole extra 20 seconds. Just don't wash your hands. True. Yeah. Oh, man. Okay. Here's another one. This was of a linguine with shrimp scampi posted by Rutabaga Babe. I like that. That's a great name.

Here's a one-star review by Abby. Way, way, way too lemony and not good at all. I don't understand why people are leaving five-star reviews. I have the worst heartburn from all the lemon, and the recipe made my kitchen a huge mess. I got so frustrated, I yelled at my boyfriend for no reason. One star. Oh, no. Oh, no.

And we've been dating for three years, and yeah, we have talked about living together, but this place is too far from work. Oh, my God. It's moments like this and only moments like this where I'm like, I could be a therapist. I could sit there and go, let's get to the bottom of this. And then I'm like, no, I would be the world's worst therapist. But wow, it's just so transparently ridiculous you know yeah they're both saying that they admitted it was for no reason that they yelled at their boyfriend but they're also but how dare you that it's the recipe's fault well yeah i i honestly am kind of stunned okay so this is one of my favorites it's a review by Carla. This sounds very good. But God, I hate when recipes include morality. Does the lettuce have to be organic?

But the cukes can be regular? There was a time when New York Times published recipes for health and every recipe specified low-fat ingredients. I think I even read some with egg beaters now we know how dumb that was for heaven's sake leave off the admonitions i'll use organic when i want to or not thanks end of review my goodness talk about like reading into something that really wasn't meant to be read in a single word i'm like what are you projecting about like what is going on that you're so upset they suggested organic lettuce they took it very personally wow carla it's okay it's okay i don't know if it is gonna be

it might not be okay actually let's be honest it might not be i'm sorry carla here's a uh one star review this is of uh janet's rich banana bread wow this one has 10 000 ratings 4.8 stars does it have walnuts in it 4.8 stars. Does it have walnuts in it? Sorry, I'm seeking a new banana bread recipe. Yes. Okay, I'm liking the sound of it.

It also has sour cream. Is it one of your 143 recipes you saved? I hope not. Yeah, if anyone went in there, they'd question my vegan-ness. Well, mine I actually saved. It was like vegan baked goods. Oh, that's I actually saved, it was like vegan baked goods, and so Ooh, that's fun. For you, for Thanksgiving or something, and then I hit like bookmark, and it was like all

268 recipes. And I was like, no! Heck yeah. So now I go to save recipes to find like the three that I make for dinner, and I have to dig through like 85 different snickerdoodles. Oh my god, anyway. Maybe you should just make the snickerdoodles. maybe you should just make a one-star review about it oh no okay here's a one-star review of that banana bread by craig this recipe does not work i have made it now

two times and every time i get see the picture attached so that's what they're saying this is what i get blank yes visual medium and it's not even a good photo of it's just oh it's it's collapsed in the middle it's collapsed in the middle yeah it looks gross it does look it craig i'm not into your banana bread i live in denver is there something in your recipe that should compensate for this i am an engineer and know how to follow directions and i keep getting this fallen mess please advise or take it down thank you get over it one if i can't have it no one can have it janet 10 000 ratings if i can't have it in denver then no one else in the correct altitude can have it oh my god that one was also posed by m doggig by the way oh i didn't even realize that until now superstar so yeah um i mean yeah there is something to compensate it's called like look up what your oven's supposed to be at true that could why does janet have to care whether you and your dumb oven have a different setting people need their

hands held through this stuff irritating i meanating. I mean, I do too. But if I mess up, I blame myself. It's just like if I were Janet and someone yelled at me, like, would I want to hold their hand? No. What? Oh, yes. Oh, I see.

That did not make any sense to me at first. I mean, it still doesn't, but I understand why you think it makes sense. I'd be like, well, Craig, now I don't want to help you or hold your hand. You think I'm going to take the recipe down? No, I'm why you think it makes sense I'd be like well Craig now I don't want to help you or hold your hand you think I'm going to take the recipe down no I'm going to post it again

yeah and again harder next time bigger bolder better Janet's banana bread boom all right this is now I think I only

oh wait no I do have another negative this is a review of tacos this is a New York Times comment and it's by John.

I'm Polish, but I've been to Mexico twice, and this recipe is not for authentic tacos. Been where? To Mexico twice. Twice? I'm Polish. I'm like, what? If you said I'm Polish, but these pierogies are not authentic okay fine i'm i'm mexican these tacos are not authentic fine the combo here just isn't doing it for me

isn't doing it for me why does it matter that you're polish you could just say i've been to mexico you know yeah man the thing is less information would have made it seem better. You know, it wouldn't have made the cut here on the show. Keep it vaguer. All you had to say was, I've been to Mexico. Or, you know what? No.

All you have to say is, these are not authentic tacos. Yeah, there you go. And that will get your point across without making you look ridiculous. You're like copy editing. You're just like crossing out all the unnecessary parts uh which the least surprising thing is that most of these reviews are full of unnecessary parts yeah if i were tweaking this to sound more convincing i would say i've been to mexico multiple times not a lie this recipe is not for authentic tacos also can you imagine if they were giving this feedback

verbally in their polish accent these are not authentic tacos i just i don't think that sounds yeah we should have like mom mom would do her famous polish accent her german accent and be like yeah these are not i've been to mexico twice so my last thing i'm done except for one thing and it's a poem oh and it's a poem written by the author of the loony spoons cookbook oh i like that and i think this was in the cookbook so here we go it's titled Recipe for Disaster. You didn't have the pasta, so you substituted rice. You didn't have the curry, so you used another spice. You didn't add the onions, plus you used a different pan. Forgot to buy tomatoes, so you used them from a can.

You simmered it too long because your mom called on the phone. The chicken that you bought was not the kind without the bone. There must be something wrong with it. I couldn't even eat it. What do you expect when all the good stuff's been deleted? Oh, tell me, upset cookbook fan. Whatever can I do to make you follow recipes so that they'll work for you? The end.

That was so good. Wasn't that amazing? What's the name of the author? It's the authors of Looney Spoon's cookbook, Janet and Greta. Janet and Greg? Greta? I know both of them. Oh, Jenna, Greg, and Jen.

Jenna and Greg. Jenna and Greg. That was a great little poem. I think Greta posted this in 2006. Wow. And it's still very relevant. They really are multifacetedeted authors they're doing cookbooks they're doing poetry and then they're doing comedy they're doing comedy they sure are

and then it was posted by syringa vulgaris bloom on the subreddit by the way that's how i found it that's their username their sisters janet and greta. How cute. They do have matching bumpets, it looks like. I have one more negative one, and then I have a redemption. Nice. Besides the Jake the dog one, which I also had. All right, this is a comment. It's not necessarily negative, but it is a comment. It's not necessarily a negative comment, but it is a comment.

This is by Olga on the New York Times Cooking Comments. When baking scones, I listen to hear if they are done. If moist in the middle, they make the faint sound of boiling. When done, they are quiet. I listen to all cakes, biscuits, and muffins to check their doneness. End of review. That is some wizardry. Yeah.

That's some secret talent. Yeah. I thought you were going to say secret intelligence operations oh god sounds like she has uh quite a skill i expected her to say when they're screaming they're done or something i had a thought that too like they're quiet when they're done and i was like i don't like the implications that they're sometimes not quiet but i guess they scream yeah until they're done yeah i was like oh my um but i just like the comment that doesn't really pertain to anything except she listens to all her baked goods it's a tip maybe for some people but i i can't i i don't know how one would learn this. I listen to Biscuits and Muffins to check their doneness. That's so wild to me.

She needs to write a cookbook. Yeah. Or it's just something that you can't teach, maybe. Maybe it's just Olga's skill. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Now, I have a redemption.

Actually, I have two. Here's a five-star review. By the way, 510 people found this one helpful the one you're about to read okay not listening Olga um um maybe someday Olga will find her audience I think she's not there yet have made it like this before I like it leaving a five star to counteract the jerk that left a one star review because her husband's a diabetic reviewing recipes you can't eat and didn't make is a dick move get a life and quit making me do this end of version oh no they're fed they're fed up fed up um 510 people found

that helpful so at least they're being supported and appreciated uh i just love i think the line that really got me was quit making me do this yeah like i have better things to do than counteract all your shittiness but i'll keep doing it you're saying this is a problem yeah fucking stop stop it i'm busy i have to go pick up the kids from volleyball you hear that people don't review recipes unless you're actually making them. Yeah. And following the instructions properly. Yeah. And don't ask.

There were some other questions being like, can you please repost this with conversions to milliliters and stuff? And someone's like, you can literally Google that. That's just. Like how many tablespoons is, how many milliliters is stuff and someone's like you can literally google that that's just like how many tablespoons is how many milliliters is this in tablespoons it's like that is literally what google is for ask your alexa i do that sometimes like how many cups is in a whatever and it will just tell you right there yep god quit making me do this i just love the frustration it's like they're not necessarily making you do it. But I do love that they're like a superhero.

Like, this is my job. I'm here to counteract. It's my duty. All right. So this is by Leo. It's my final review. It is a redemption. And here we go.

Leo says, I turned 21 tonight and I'm typing this at 2 a.m while buzzed and or drunk while making tons of typos being fixed while happening this was my first drink and i loved it thanks end of review there is not one single typo in this impressive. This is the shit I'm talking about. Yeah. Just saying. It's like when people on the internet say, sorry, my English isn't great. It's my second language.

And I'm like, their English is better than mine. You see that ever? Oh, I thought you were making fun of me. No. Because I always say, oh, English isn't my. I know you say that. But people say on the internet, they say, sorry, English isn't my native language. Right. And then they write the most eloquent. But much better than mine yeah well i just saw a meme a bunch of people

tagged me and i thought you were referencing where someone said like me after i just told everyone english isn't my first language knowing full well i can never i could never speak my original language even close to as well as i speak my current language so true and that's kind of where i stand but yeah like beautifully written i also like the the comment buzzed and or drunk because they really don't know yeah they're like i remember my first time being drunk i was like i'm not drunk and then i stood up and then you stand up and then i was it was always when i would go into the bathroom and i'd be like i I'm going to go pee. And then I'd stand up and I'd wash my hands and I'm like, whoa. Or I'd look in the mirror and I'm like, okay, okay, yes.

You learn pretty quickly what it feels like. So I love that he's just buzzed. He's in bed at 2 a.m. on his 21st birthday writing a comment on the New York Times. I mean, primo material, this stuff. This is his first drink. I'm so proud of him. Good job. Love it.

Made it yourself? That's impressive. Yeah, from a recipe. Yeah. How beautiful is that? Very. It's gorgeous. I just bought cake vodka when I turned 21.

Yeah. I had a shot of tequila. Disgusto. I told Celine to mix the cake vodka with Coca-Cola, and she was younger than and she was younger than me and was like, Christine, I won't drink this. Okay. There's video evidence of me drinking oat milk and vodka. So I can't. Okay. Okay.

I won't tell you what we called it. Yeah, I remember. So you don't, you don't need to announce it. So that's all i've got for you xandy great that was a fun one what do we do now what do we do now i don't know all right since we didn't have a challenge today we're just going to announce the next theme and a couple challenges so that uh if anybody wants to contribute you can do that yep so the theme is going to be reviews of claire's yeah that was voted on. That was my random thought.

And I'm so excited that people were into it. Yeah, no, I'm into it, too. I like it. These were all voted on by our patrons, patreon.com slash beach to Sandy. So if you want a say and you're like, no, no, Claire's. Well, too late now. But next week, maybe. Exactly.

You can decide. Maybe you can save me from what is going in the next poll so the three for the next poll the top comment from the last poll is going in which is reviews of cruises which i just have been waiting for yeah thank you and then uh the other two options are reviews of parking garages and reviews of stadiums this is those are so dumb i said parking i don't know i looked at google maps and just picked something i have a feeling we know what's gonna win but you never know you can hold out hope i can hold out hope maybe patrons will come uh support you come on everyone support me and

pick uh pick anything parking garage parking it sounds so great um who does the next challenge i think you can give me one you sure yeah okay i don't know if that's correct i don't either order but here's a challenge from drew he they who suggests you find a review where someone confesses to a crime oh did we do that before i think so but it sounds familiar but i want to do it again okay that sounds like really familiar that they did something illegal or something but i think we did do that one but i really like it okay let's do it again i don't know if you did it or i did it though i i can't imagine either of us had enough reviews yeah we're like we're gonna be tapped out yeah no yeah yeah i think so i feel like it was a long time ago and we've found new ways to research and stuff.

So I'd like to try it again. And this is your challenge from the for the episode after that. It comes from Angie who says try to find baby store reviews or like reviews of baby products written from the point of view of a baby. No. This is torture. But I love it. I hope it's hilarious. Oh view of a baby. No. This is torture, but I love it. I hope it's...

That's hilarious. Oh, I should have done... Oh. I'm like already... This will be the cruise episode if people pick cruises. Stop. Goo goo ga ga. I'm crazy for huggies.

I actually think that it's going to be torture to me to hear you read them out loud. I'm dreading this episode. I don't like it. Yikes. Oh, Angie's she, her, by the way. Yeah, so I am interested. I know what pronouns to use when I complain about her. Great.

When you bitch her out. I just remember we've done like from the point of view of a pet. Yeah. And I was like like this is next level derangement is what it is so if anyone knows I'm gonna go to your review account see what Leona has to say

Leona has to say about all her stuff oh my god yeah so good luck with that oh thank you that is a very good one if you guys have any contributions send them to beach2sandy at gmail.com. If you have any ideas, you can send those in too or post them on Patreon. If you have any challenge ideas, feel free to email those in. You can follow us at beach2sandy.

And if you want to come see us live in Chicago, go get your tickets. Go to beach2sandy.com and they will be under the tour tab. Yep. Can't wait to see you. Yay! Bye.