Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 193: Reviews of Cruises

Episode Date: August 10, 2022

At the core, the true Xandy is a cool cruiser EEK! Buy your tickets for our Chicago (Beantown) show! beachtoosandy.com/tour Support us on Patreon! https://www.patreon.com/beachtoosandy Get our new Bitch Too Sandy pin and pin board!!! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Xtine's Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/shop/hauntedtofu Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Check out our Instagram: instagram.com/beachtoosandy Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Well, it's been a while since I've been nervous to start an episode. It's been a while. What? Why? Because.

Of this terrible theme? Cruises. It's a cruise episode, everybody. The pressure is on. I gotta make this good. I gotta make this one count. Toward. Towards what?

Do none of the other episodes count? This is it. These have all been practice episodes leading up to this one special day. Welcome, everyone. Today we're reading reviews of cruises. I titled my document, Cool Cruising, in all capital letters. And I don't think you need to know anymore i i titled mine 193 oh that's clever thank you i just checked mine to see if i also wrote 193 um because sometimes i'm

you know yeah tweak the number a bit just for fun i did write 193 cool cruising yeah um yeah so this is a cruise episode decided on by patrons uh yeah specifically tara is the one who commented it yeah that got all the likes to be included in the poll and then the poll won um and tara guess what what tara's the one who has a beach too Sandy tattoo. So you can't even say shit. Well, I guess you can. I can. Because what are they going to do? Go remove it?

It's pretty big. Can I have one? A tattoo? Yeah. Yes, you can. I'm not going to pay for it, if that's what you're asking me. That tattoo, I want a Beach Too Sandy tattoo. Sure.

Go for it. Okay. Are you going to get it? What if I do something terrible? Like I turn into a serial killer? We were just talking about this, Christina. About serial killers about how like you don't want tattoos from podcasts you enjoy in case something goes wrong oh i thought you're talking about you were talking about rose west oh rose and fred west i was talking about rose and fred west i was like

yeah we were talking about serial killers yeah m refused to get and then that's why you drink tattoo in case our show blows up in a bad way. You never know. Yeah, but like... Like, I'm not worried about us, like you and I. If we were going to never speak again, it would have happened by now. Exactly. We've had every possible opportunity to try and cut each other out of our lives. It's not happening.

Oh, wow. That sounds like a challenge for the universe. That was wild. I don't know. Don't say this. I this i'm sorry i take it back it's all a lie okay now i want to get a tattoo um i do have an update before we okay good i love i'm stalling because i do not want to do this i know i'm telling you i was nervous to hit record so this is uh an update from tiffany she her who by the way is coming to to our Chicago show. Yay! And since our posted episode, why did I say it like that? Since our episode that came out yesterday, we're recording this early for once on a Thursday, we've sold a bunch more tickets.

Yeah. We've sold over two-thirds of our tickets. I can't wait. And so we're very excited to see you, Tiffany, and everyone else also. Okay. So Tiffany says, I'm currently listening to your claire's episode and having fomo from not writing in just wanted to share one short fun question mark piercing anecdote from when i worked at claire's in college 2010 to 2013 so the type i

should have read the subject is i pierced ears at claire's horror says, I worked at Woodfield and the Arboretum of South Barrington, two malls in the Chicago suburbs. Oh, so we could stop. Bye. No. No? Okay. The piercing guns would always get jammed. Ah! Especially if you chose Hello Kitty. So oftentimes the earring wouldn't

go through all the way and you'd have to push the earring the rest of the way through with your fingers. No. I'm sorry. I should have given a trigger warning. I can feel the give. No, no. She literally says, I can still feel what it was like to push an earring through someone's earlobe by hand and hear the pop noise it makes.

Oh, my God. Anyway, see you in October. Tiffany, what a horror. I mean, that is pure. You know, remember when someone called my pregnancy body horror and they didn't want anything to do with it? Oh, yeah. That's how I feel about this. I'm like, now I get it.

I get that feeling of like repulsion, of like pushing it through your. I mean, I do that to myself all the time, but to do it to someone else. No. Not fun. Not fun. So anyway, that's a fun update. That was great. I can't wait to see you, Tiffany.

He's really excited. I promise. It doesn't sound like it in his voice, but he's really excited. I figured that today's a horror episode, so we might as well just throw in any sort of uncomfortable nonsense we can find. Good idea. Speaking of which, though, I swear this is not just a stall tactic um the ghost someone posted in uh uh jack's posted in the beach sustaining patreon facebook group asking where specifically in knoxville that hotel was like which location okay because i actually talked

about it on and that's where you drink and I specified the hotel thinking maybe someone will know, but I wasn't sure if I mentioned it on, but the episode hasn't come out yet. So it was the Courtyard Marriott downtown, I think. It was by, I remember it was by South Gay Street because I kept saying Gay Street. And I regret asking. No wonder that ghost was like, please shut up.

Because Jack said, was it the location downtown? Because that area of town has a lot of stories. um dear god okay i regret asking no wonder that ghost was like please shut up because jack said was it the location downtown because that area of town has a lot of stories okay it was also the theater district and i was like gay street theater district and anyway i was having a great time a gay time i was having a gay time and blaze said oh i'm sure it's probably like someone's name or like because i was like gay street and he was like it's probably a name or like the gay like happy you know meaning and then i was like we're in the theater district there's rainbows everywhere i think i think they've uh you know it's like a chicken or the egg situation exactly alexander that's exactly what it was and it's a very new hotel so i was a little weirded out like that is

the last place i would have and i forgot i mentioned something in the last way drink that i forgot to mention on this show which is that he was wearing like an undershirt like i what you would traditionally call a wife beater which you you know don't say anymore obviously but except you do except i say it every time i mention it um but like the white undershirt sleeveless undershirt was what the dude was wearing okay isn't that gross potentially yeah i don't know it just was it like felt extremely rippling muscles and maybe it's less okay he felt extremely uncomfortable i didn't like being stared at i also wasn't wearing pants if anyone needs to know that so i felt like okay i don't like this person staring at me you know i didn't feel no yeah i wouldn't like a ghost staring at me no matter what i'm wearing. Or what they're wearing.

Or what they're wearing. True. Yeah. I don't. Yeah. And I don't judge. Do you want to read a cruise review? Yeah.

I'm really excited about my first one. Okay. Go for it. I'm starting off strong. Okay. I'm nervous. This is a one-star review of the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line. It's a one-star.

And it's by OKC. We are platinum members of Royal Caribbean cruise lines and I've spent thousands on multiple cruises with them. We did an excursion a couple of weeks ago to Roatan, Honduras, monkey, sloth and iguana interaction. Holy crap. That's a very is that are they friends like those in nature it's very specific definitely a children's book somewhere yeah it sounds like uh what's that one where the dog the cat and something they go out on an adventure. Oh, yeah. Clifford the Big. Yeah, I know which one. Homeward Bound.

Homeward Bound. Yes. Can you imagine our version has a monkey and sloth? Where's this? Ecuador? Honduras. Honduras, my bad. Yeah.

I bought the excursion through Royal Caribbean because they always suggest you spend the extra money to go through them so that there are no problems. At the iguana farm, I was bitten on my lip and chin by an iguana. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. My nightmare. Okay. Not trying to blame them. But, like. Are iguana that, that like agile and aggressive?

I don't know. There's a picture and it's hands are like this big. Like it looks like an alligator, like it could run, you know? Scary. Yeah, it's frightening. And this thing is huge. No, I would be scared too. And I would not be happy if it bit me, so.

At the iguana farm, I was bitten on my lip and chin by an iguana. I only saw one employee there. Sorry, I'm sorry. I know you just read this already, but I'm glad they clarified. After saying, at the iguana I was bitten, they say, by an iguana. Okay, but that becomes a point of contention. I'm not kidding. Okay, they think that a human bit them or something?

No, what are the other Homeward Bound characters? Oh, so the iguana farm. So I don't know what... I don't either. I tried to picture this whole situation. I don't either. It's very difficult. I mean, it's horrific.

Did the sloth catch up or something? The sloth. And bite your lip? Like, now there, I would know you're at least somewhat at fault. Something is wrong with you. You're the problem here. I think sloths are like deceptively fast on like the ground or something. Or no, maybe not on the ground. I think

they're really slow there. There's probably something creepy where it's like, oh, they sleep all day, but when they want to move, you know, something scary like that. They'll bite you. Also, it sounds like they're kissing you because it says your lip and your chin, which is like, you must have gotten right in the face i mean what a scary scary moment okay i only saw one employee there and when i tried to report it to him he said it happens all the time so i reported it to royal caribbean instead since i bought the excursion through royal caribbean the medical staff on board laughed when i told them and basically did nothing then the guest services department was quite rude even telling me that I was actually bitten by a monkey,

not an iguana, as if I didn't know what bit me. How do they feel like that is an argument they can defend? Yeah. I don't know. And also, would that be better? Great point. Great point. Maybe?

I don't know. Are they brushing you off, saying, no, no, no. It was just a monkey that bit you. You bit your face. Yeah, it's fine. Maybe they don't want the iguanas getting that kind of reputation. Oh, yeah. Not the iguanas. They're the golden child of the Royal Caribbean Excursion crew. They would not refund even a portion of the excursion cost because they said they already had my money somewhere else. We are talking only $200 or so. I guess they're hurting for money if they can't come up with that.

I now have an infection in my gums. This, like, nightmare fuel. Yeah, this is awful. I now have an infection in my gums and am currently on antibiotics. When we returned home, I contacted them again twice, but they are dismissive. My main concern isn't the $200. It's the fact they were placing iguanas in the hands of children and i did not see any warning signs anywhere also just an fyi the quality of the food was about a five it used to be a 10 but i think they want you to dine at the restaurants on board that cost extra end of review

i thought they meant five out of five i did too and i thought oh okay okay even with the swollen swollen gums she got a lot of applesauce at the buffet and she was like this shit is good uh yeah and it did like come with a very frightening picture of an iguana oh of the iguana okay not of the face so a child so now i feel we got some more details here that it was a child holding this iguana so i was confused too but i think what they meant is like i was concerned that even they're even letting children just hold iguanas without any sort of also because if this could happen to me you know imagine if it happened to a child yeah if that makes sense got it here it is here's this reviewer i'm trying to get a picture

of the iguana for you. Oh my God. I'm scared. You should be. Okay, I'm going to text it to you because you need to see it up close. I don't like that anyone is holding these things. They're bigger than a person. They are bigger than I thought.

How can a person hold this? That is scary. Of course, is that a bloody? That looks like blood. It looks like blood on its mouth, Christina. You just sent me a picture of a giant iguana with blood on its mouth. It looks like it just bit her in the face. I mean, yeah, that face is telling me, like, these things are scary.

They're dinosaurs. They are dinosaurs. They're very frightening. And, like, I can understand why they don't want. But, like, look how big its creepy little hands are. And its scale. I'm afraid of this thing. Yeah. I would not hands are. And its scale. I'm afraid of this thing. Yeah.

I would not hold that. I'm sorry. They actually let children hold these? I guess so, but I'm like, they're bigger than a child. They're very much bigger than a child. Oh, so the iguanas are holding the children. Oh, that's what they meant. Oh, that's what they meant.

Okay. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. What a mess. So that that's what they meant. Okay. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. What a mess. So that was my first one. Your turn. Okay. My first one.

This is of Princess Cruises. This is a one-star review by Gary. There are fucking joke. Food is bad. Casino bad. They're fucking will not give you drinks. You can never win anything. Be careful. Don't play at their casino. Don't will not give you drinks. You can never win anything. Be careful.

Don't play at their casino. Don't book this fucking cruises. The best is carnival cruises. One of my family member fell down next to swimming pool area. They will not fucking help you. Save yourself time and money. Book different cruises. No more Royal Princess cruises.

Save your money. End of review. They won't fucking help you. I just imagined the family member falling and then being like hey can you help me up like no nope they will not fucking help you they'll help you over at a princess carnival cruises help themselves yeah donna i told you we should take a what was it prince carnival carnival cruise god there's so many of these things. I know, I can't keep up. Wow. It reminded me of Kitty Clitter when the person fell in Trader Jungle Gyms. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Kitty Clitter is not good. Also reminds me of the short story Teddy by J.D. Salinger. I don't think I know that one. Okay. It took place on a cruise ship? Yes. Okay. I don't know if it was like a cruise ship ship, but yeah, it was on a ship.

Was it? Pretty sure. Wait, really? Yeah. Oh. Yeah, yeah, it was a cruise ship. By the buffet or like by the pool? By the pool.

Oh, okay, cool. It does sound familiar to the story, similar. Well, I'm sorry for this person. I hope they get to book their dream vacation on a carnival cruise sometime soon. They included a picture of the boat and the caption just says, Royal Princess Cruises, zero star. Oh, that's harsh. Yeah, you know, I know that like this is obvious, but the more I read of these, the less I wanted to go on a cruise. You know, and I've had moments where i'm like it could

be fun in the right context like i can see why i like why someone would like to do this i i kind of get it but um and if somebody were to convince me like if the schieffer siblings are psychic psychic duo you know we're hosting the cruise okay that could be fun but then when i get into the nitty gritty of like the rooms and like the the food and the entertainment i'm like this doesn't sound enjoyable yeah i mean again we're reading one star reviews so that taints it does make it a little worse but yeah i don't know it it's parts of it definitely appeal to me though and definitely some the quite quite the opposite the horror stories are bad like so bad that i'm yeah kind of pulled back from any sort of desire to go

but i imagine it would be fun if you do it like i don't know if it goes well but there's so much potential for terror no i know i know i can't decide i think if you and i hosted a cruise the schieffer siblings siblings just like the impractical jokers tour that's what i'm saying lisa was on that cruise and she had a great time that's amazing then again they're the artists so i'm like i bet they put them in a nice room you know and all that so gotta be vips on this cruise so when we host ours we'll just get the whole upper deck and then everyone else can find space downstairs and by the way i won't fucking help you if you fall on the ground everybody i don't blame you okay so this one is called and i want to know what you think um of this title this is also of that same royal kirby and cruise okay The title is, I Should Have Stayed at Home.

Does that remind you of anything? No. Okay. It reminds me of the Magic School Bus, where he always says, I knew I should have stayed home today. What's his name? Ronald. That's not right. That sounds right.

He just had red hair. He just had red hair. I don't remember his name, but he always said, I knew I should have stayed home today. I'm Googling Magic school bus nerd Arnold. I was close. I said Ronald. Yeah, you were close. It was like weirdly close.

Yeah. Is that it? Yep. Wow. Good for me. An anagram or whatever. Yeah. Yep.

Okay. So this is I Should Have Stayed Home by Sonora Dweller of the Royal Caribbean Cruise. You should always start with something positive. Boarding was easy, but they refused to book me on the airport shuttle because my plane was scheduled to land 10 minutes too late at 11.10 a.m. Now, try to be a little neutral.

So they're walking you through the process of giving feedback, you know, which I think typically you're not supposed to explain that you're doing that. But, you know, I appreciate it for our sake. It's like a PowerPoint, though, where you say, I will be covering these topics. Here's my thesis statement. And in conclusion, right. Now try to be a little neutral.

The balcony cabin was nice, if a bit worn. The internet works. The crew were courteous and very helpful. Real plus, but that is normal. The ports were the usual. Safe. Excursions, the usual. Now a little criticism.

Dining at the Extra Price Steak Restaurant, I was served a gray steak. Yes, gray. It tasted powdery. What? Disgusting. I'm sorry, I don't even eat steak, but gross. Returned it. Next filet mignon was pink in the middle, had grill marks.

Taste? I don't know. I could only taste the salt. Crew cooking it? They didn't notice the gray steak. Maybe it was the lighting in the kitchen. Buffet breakfast? Some normal stuff, like prunes.

I'm sorry. That gets me every time. What are you talking about? You don't have prunes every breakfast? I don't, because I think my tummy might have something to say about that. Some normal stuff, like prunes. Different kinds of cheese were not shown until mid-cruise. You could ask for them? They appeared days later. Main dining room? What? I think they meant they didn't appear.

Oh, okay. Rather. Okay. Rather. Maybe they seem to appear rather scarcely. Any sort of food without without a cream sauce which once again my stomach is turning just thinking about this and you're on a boat yeah i mean i know they have like stabilizers and stuff but yeah but like yeah i get seasick too so this just

combo is not fun prunes well that was the good part cream sauce sauce. Oh, and gray powdery steak. I mean, like this, I can't. I can't. And this is the extra price. And also, like, where are you going to go? Like, what else are you going to do? Where are you going to go? And by the way, so many people were like, my toilet didn't flush for certain hours during the day. Because they said like, oh, well, right now we can't flush the toilets.

And I'm like, I don't think this is going to work. can't flush the toilets and I'm like I don't think this is gonna work. I tried to avoid cream sauces and I was finally offered a special meal just for me. A chicken cacciatore. Wow. What was it? Diced green peppers and burnt blackened diced onions scattered around the rim of a plate alongside diced boiled or something tiny diced pieces of chicken. In the middle, runny polenta. That was it. You were looking for whole pieces of chicken and maybe a basil oregano or other Italian spiced tomato sauce? Nope. Was the chef angry because I complained that the gourmet cheese platter had no crackers until I asked and only what looked like Swiss cheese and other supermarket cheeses until I asked for the cheeses displayed on boarding day he provided them though just for me i don't know i felt that i could have dined

better at a shopping mall food court fellow passengers oh my gosh such nice people end of review okay a nice sandwich of good and you know oh yeah don't use that word in the context of this review i was thinking true sandwich and i was like what sandwich now i was like i've heard enough about this lady's horror stories at the dining dining hall yeah yikes it's just like so unappealing all of it it really is i also just feel like a cruise wouldn't be like really the easiest place for a vegan to eat you know no that's true and as a vegetarian i'm sure that like i could eat a lot of cream sauces gross but like for you i think that would be a toughie you know oh yeah no that's unless you were on a specific that is one of many things on the list of things that

would probably be hard for me yeah on the cruise i think the fact that it wasn't one of the top ones it was like mentioned later as an after, shows how many question marks we have about the cruise lifestyle. True. But anyway. My next one is, again, of Princess Cruises as a two-star review. This is by Abigail. We took the cruise April to May 2018 from Los Angeles to Vancouver, Alaska. I was shocked and very disappointed.

Our friend always raved about the Princess Cruise, so this time we took the cruise with them. I could tell that there was a lot of cutbacks with food. Fine dining or just like eating at Denny's or coffee shop. Chefs may not be experienced or just they use cheap ingredients. Main dishes are either overcooked. Steak was tough. One of the guests had fettuccine Alfredo. I tasted and it was awful.

Denny's could have done it much better. At the buffet area, there's very limited selections of food. I was used to the array of food from the carnival. Oh, here we go. Is this the same guy's secret account that he's trying to just like slander the the other cruise lines they seem to have cut down the hours of serving food at carnival you can visit at any time especially late hours after dancing there's no coffee or tea even everything is closed also entertainment was a solo guitarist on stage with

so so dry jokes i was expecting different selections of entertainment as stated from the brochure but none we have another cruise scheduled with princess april to may 2019 next year at copenhagen denmark with 11 countries but after contemplating on how our experience was this year we decided to cancel it for 11 days it would cost almost seven thousand dollars for the two of us and i do like to get my money's worth i don't think princess could lived up to the fine dining i'm expected to get and the array of food i was used to at the other ships oh yeah at dinner time why is it that we always have to ask for butter? They'll bring the butter dish and take it back right away. By the time you butter your bread, you need more and butter dish already gone.

Entertainment to this day, I can't get over it. I was expecting full entertainment with dancing and singing all dressed up. Instead, we get this guy with the guitar sitting on a chair, white t-shirt and tattered blue jeans not what i expected for entertainment on stage abigail mortimer elks in our end of review well i actually brought a few reviews of the entertainment on board because i just thought it would be a fun little journey um and it was i would be frustrated too if it were just a guitarist and they were like oh and if there were literally no other options yeah yeah if there was nothing else i feel bad for the guitarist also yeah me too i feel bad for well we know some people in la who did cruise entertainment entertainment

yeah and so that's how a lot of them like spent their summers they would just do these and they they have horror stories about like the guests they have horror stories about like their their lodgings where they were all crammed in like you know one part of the boat and were like basically left to their own devices and there's just some uh questionable stuff that happens there so yeah and and they were part of like bigger groups that improv and they did like comedy um i mean can you imagine being on a stuck on a boat in the middle of nowhere doing watching improv shows um i would we would enjoy ourselves i don't know if a bunch of like i feel like many of our listeners are cringing just thinking about it yeah our listeners uh now i'm having to perform for people like that like

at least when you perform a comedy show like our podcast in chicago yeah yeah people are going there just for us right right right right and on the cruise they say oh what are we going to do tonight i guess we'll try this. Yikes. Oh, dear God. I just, I don't know. It seems like some of these ships are like, oh, we forgot to book anybody. Does anyone play guitar?

Like, that's the vibe I get from some of these ships. Okay, let's see what's next. Oh, so remember Laniece? Yes. She sent, the only reason we were you probably remember is because we recorded this less than 48 hours ago the last episode but yes lenise is the one who was sending like multiple reviews and i felt bad because she said thank you so much for choosing to read my reviews on the show christine sorry for the many emails i'm not sure of the format to send this it's more

like I see one and feel the need to send it for next time I'll make sure to pile them together and I'm like no you can send many emails that does not bother me in the slightest he gave her something to complain about she loves having things to complain about who me yeah oh yeah yeah yeah yeah so if you could go back to that that would would be great because I do love to bitch about it, you know? Okay. So Laniece sent a review here of Carnival Cruises, and this is a one-star review by Brent. We all know Carnival is the Kmart of cruising. I do now.

I want to make sure you also agreed with that. Although I feel like that other guy. These people would say that Princess Cruises is the Kmart. I mean, maybe the Kmart is a good thing for some people. I suppose. I'm not sure who, but maybe. Maybe. Anyway, we all know Carnival is the Kmart of cruising, but they have hit new lows.

They will now blue light special you over the loudspeaker anytime, day or night. They'll what you? Blue night, blue light special. Oh. What's that? I don't know. You're the one reading this. Hello?

No, I know. Like, I'm going to read what he says happens. Oh, I see, I see, I see. But, oh my God. It's a Kmart thing. Oh thing oh okay i didn't know that okay here we go the blue light special date this is according to retail dive.com the blue light special debuted in 1965 as flashing blue sirens in the center of kmart stores that would go off to direct choppers to a discount item as an announcement was blared on a loudspeaker.

Attention, Kmart shoppers, a term that became part of the American lexicon. So it's sort of like... I did hear, I have heard of this. Yeah, it's sort of like, oh, blue light special is like a sales gimmick type thing. Yeah, okay. Okay, so that... I bet a lot of people are like oh my god i feel so old that these people don't know what this is i know it's not it's not age it's just lack of english

language sure not our first language you know um so now i'm now i'm really getting the the comparison here so brent says we all know carnival is the kmart of cruising but they have hit new lows they will now blue light special you over the loudspeaker anytime day or night, 10 p.m., 4.52 a.m. If they needed to do something or be somewhere, or if they even suspect you may be asleep or spending downtime in your cabin, they will be yelling over the loudspeaker for you to get out and keep spending money. The ship is old. There are lines for everything everywhere. If they could adequately handle demand with two of something plan on there being one. and keep spending money. The ship is old. There are lines for everything everywhere.

If they could adequately handle demand with two of something, plan on there being one. Wait, what? What? I am assuming I misread that. If they could adequately handle demand with two of something. No, it's not my fault.

If they could adequately handle demand with two of something, plan on there being one. Okay. Okay. Yeah. So wait, what? Are they saying that they're underprepared for things?

That must be what they're saying. That's what it sounds like. Okay. If you plan to drink yourself into a stupper from morning to night, you will be in good company. Oh, okay. Well, why didn't you say that first? Yeah.

Yeah. We'll be there. Perfect. Plan to smell plenty of vomit. never mind i changed my mind the employees are nice and will share many stories from the back home this is the one upside overall though i would sum it up with this one statement sail the freedom and spend a week in hell yikes sponsored by kmart yeah so thank you brent for that and thank you lenise oh boy my goodness people are very i don't know fill in the blank cruise cruisy cruise these cruisers pretty cool not not so cool some of these not so cool my next one is a two-star review of uh

princess cruises ever heard of it? This is by Brad. We sailed on the Emerald Princess with Princess Cruises recently for three nights on a repositioning cruise from Long Beach to Vancouver. The price was right for a balcony cabin. The ship is a bit dated and the food was descent. dissent. One gripe I did have upon return with Princess was that I purchased the premium Wi-Fi or internet package, which on their brochure on board, the ship touted this service would even accommodate streaming. Not. The entire time it was slower than half the speed of dial-up when it did work, and many times did not work at all. When contacting Princess customer service department requesting a refund for the premium service, I was told that their website stated that based on the ship's position,

internet was not guaranteed. So why falsely advertise high speed, but rather offer one price for a hit or miss service? That I would understand. The customer service person who contacted me wanted nothing more than to argue and banter with me rather than take an empathetic tone for a customer disappointment or complaint there are plenty of cruise choices these days and too bad customer service people at princess are paid by the hour or a salary rather than get paid or lose pay based on positive results in retaining customers this one will choose another cruise line for future sailings as i told the princess cruise line customer service person thank you very little end of review good one spend a week in hell sponsored by kmart if you want to dock someone's pay for them telling you what the corporate policy

is that's a new one i haven't heard like oh i wish this customer service representative would get paid more if they solved my problems and get paid less if i'm unhappy with their service like they want to have like a tipping system for a waiter for like a server that's what they want for this customer service terrible that they would get zero dollars like terrible and maybe they would get ten dollars from me every now and then because i felt guilty that you know people like this were docking their pay left and right i mean i'll be honest like i would be frustrated if there was no wi-fi but also part of me would be like i'm not gonna get my hopes up for good wi-fi on here yeah that that does suck and i am i i would be annoyed if i didn't get a refund

for a premium service if i wasn't able to get like i'm with them on that for sure no that's true and if it were like oh it's good for streaming and then it doesn't even like load gmail and i paid extra for it i'd be annoyed i'm annoyed on a two-hour flight when i can't absolutely can't get my free t-mobile me too t-mobile internet me too and i T-Mobile internet or whatever. Me too. And I'm like, I need to send Alexander this meme. Why won't it let me on the internet? And it's like, that's a two hour situation where I'll eventually get over it. But yeah. But I also not be like, oh, well, these flight attendants deserve less money unless they

can fix my internet problem. Unless they can make it go faster. Or like someone who's not even on the boat, someone customer service like that you call. And they're like, it's a boat in the ocean we can't guarantee good wi-fi sorry um so this one was sent in again by lenise and this is a one-star view by mike okay so it's a oh it's a review of the disney cruise line uh which i was do you have any dis Cruise reviews? No. So I was excited to find this one that she sent in. It's Disney Cruise Line and it's a one-star view by Jack. The motor alone for this ship costs over a billion dollars.

I want everyone to know this ship is bigger than the Titanic, yet our oceans have gotten way smaller. Whoa. Have they? Maybe he's looking at the ships getting bigger and he doesn't understand like in relative size that that doesn't mean the ocean is shrinking around it yeah but um it's not because i did google it thinking i don't the sea levels like rising yeah which is a bad thing i literally googled are oceans shrinking and they were like no ice is shrinking and making ocean bigger i read it and i was like yeah that's what i thought but i just wanted to make sure nobody on twitter would be like i'm a biologist because a biologist

tweeted at me today oh and gave me some resources for bird for birds oh good said that like their fellow bird lover and i was like wow thank you, thank you for... I thought you were going to say that a biologist tweeted at you and told you how wrong you were about things. Okay. Yeah, no, I meant tweeted like a bird. Oh, like a bird. That makes so much sense. That makes so much more sense. No, I'm just kidding.

But yeah, so I don't want anyone who's smart to be like, wow, Christine's a big dummy. So I did Google it just to make sure I wasn't missing anything but no jack just doesn't really understand i want everyone to know this ship is bigger than the titanic yet our oceans have gotten way smaller i was wondering why there was no black smoke shooting out of the stacks because it's diesel powered it's because they're using diesel exhaust fluid used which is a toxic chemical that collects the black smoke and they

dump it right in the ocean so that way you don't see black smoke when you're up on deck but look down at the water and did some black and poisonous don't condone this my people or else we'll never be able to go to the ocean again bigger than the titanic end of review oh they threw that in there at the end i didn't even know if it was we'll never be able to go to the ocean again or we'll never be able to go to the ocean again bigger than the titanic because there's no punctuation that's tough um but i wanted to point out that like i got a i got a hashtag vibe from this reviewer right i was like something is going on with this guy fighting fighting fighting the man if you ask me i i mean i but like man, like an imaginary man or like a real man lines that are polluting our oceans.

OK, let me read this next one. And then and then maybe you'll you'll see if you're actually on this person's side. One star of McDonald's run by aliens and the food contains mind control ingredients made to dumb down our children and control the population. If you love you kids, never ever feed them this garbage alien food. I will never lie. The Lord is my father. End of review.

Okay. This is really tough for me because I agree that the cruise lines are terrible for the environment. Oh, sure. And I also agree that McDonald's is something that people shouldn't eat. Okay. Do you agree that it's run by a...

I feel like you extracted one piece of that that's like, don't eat it. But his thing isn't don't eat it because of the environmental implications. I know, but I agree with them. His whole thing is these are aliens who are in charge. Also, if you eat it, your mind will be controlled, and the population will be controlled by these aliens. I'm not saying they're correct about everything. Just the ocean is getting... They're little nuggets of truth.

Just that the ocean's getting smaller. The Lord is your father. Okay, I get it. And now here's one more. This is a one-star view of the Burnsville Police Department in Burnsville, West Virginia. Aliens, very bad. Steer clear if you human. No BS.

End of review. Also, nuggets of truth in there. Yeah. Very bad. Alexander, this is how you get sucked into a weird flat earther cult. And you're like, well, they had some good points. And I'm like, no. And also, of course, they're probably fucking dumping stuff into the ocean.

But I don't know that I trust Jack's understanding of how that works. I mean, he came up with some whole theory about how they do the exhaust. And I'm like, is that true? Or is this just another alien conspiracy? I imagine, like, I would not be surprised if they make it so that the exhaust. I'm sure they do so many things. If they're going to spend so much money on this boat, they're going to like spend money to make it not look as bad as it is. I know, they do so many things. If they're going to spend so much money on this boat, they're going to like spend money to make it not look as bad as it is.

I know, but I don't know if it's working the same way where he's like, oh, well, it used to be black smoke shooting out of the stacks and that was totally fine. But now they're just putting it in the ocean. And I'm like, is that like how this works? I see. It was better when it was in the air, not in the water. I guess. I don't know i i don't really follow and i mean clearly this person went on the cruise so it's not like he's like anti-cruise you know um and i just need everyone to know that it is bigger than the titanic but the titanic was like oh yeah i feel like that 100 years ago i don't make sense why wouldn't it be bigger than the ships would be bigger now than they were back then. Yeah, and therefore oceans are smaller.

Maybe they meant it in a more like, oh, we are closer to our neighbors across the ocean. The ocean has, with the new technology, we have shrunk, made the world smaller in a way. Yeah, yeah, because the aliens did have that big gamma ray, and they were able to shrink us all down. Anyway, a lot of it was very QAnon. A lot of his reviews were very QAnon, and they're trying to control your children. That's not good. Yeah, yeah, no. It wasn't great.

So anyway, there's that. Nice. My next one, this is maybe kind of cheating, because it's not like a cruise cruise, like one that we've talked about so far. This is of Captain Morgan's Delta Adventures. What's that? It's in Discovery Bay Marina in Discovery Bay, California. They have little cruises on the water there. You know.

So we're talking Delta like a body of water yes okay not delta they're not flying in a boat i was thinking we were at jfk airport and there was like a little jungle gym or something no no no that's that's that's a good wow it's a good name i spend too much time in airports, I just kind of assume. Kind of weird that you just came up with that. Okay. You're like, I can't wait to bring Leona to the Delta-branded jungle gym. Oh, God. Especially if it's Captain Morgan themed. Oh, yeah.

Captain Morgan and Delta. I didn't put that together. Playground for adults and kids. Did not put that together. My bad. Here's a one-star review uh it's by gina these idiots managed to hit several boats while at mandeville waiting on the fourth of july fireworks we'll let insurance figure it out but really do you want to be on a charter boat that hits things end of review it's bumper boats i love that they hit not just several not just one but

like wild did they say how many or just several just said several wow like that implies at least three it's not good and i do i do understand that like for a fireworks display people get like packed in but you know the fact that insurance has to get involved with all these boating accidents, that's not good. Not good. And also, I can't imagine that is a good feeling on your body when a boat hits another boat while you're in it. You know, that's safe. Yeah. I know that's a reach and a stretch to imagine, but I don't think I'd enjoy that.

I'd say they're nuggets of truth in what you just said. Thank you. But you also said that about that last guy, Jack. So I don't think that I'm going to take that as a compliment. Understandable. So this is a forum because now, you know, I'm in I'm back on my bullshit. I'm reading the forums on Cruise Critic. Look, don't worry.

I've got forum coming up not on cruise critic i refused okay no okay no actually i didn't you know why i accidentally stumbled on an article on cruise critic and it was very informative i don't even remember what it was about but i just read it um oh no it's about cancellation of certain cruises to alaska and i was reading this article and just scrolling through it. And it wasn't until near the end that I realized I was on Cruise Critic. They have like a good writing staff. It's so legit. Yeah, they have a staff of writers. And I saw one of their editors posted a video aboard one of the of a certain ship and it was very informative. I watched this video. And I was just it had nothing to do with me. I will

it will not help me in this life but i was very interested to hear about this new ship and its new uh journey this is like when i read this is sounding a little uh you are sounding very gullible today or not gullible is right word but like very um malleable i feel like everything we've brought to the table, you're like, Oh, okay. I could get into that.

And it's like, maybe not that, maybe not that fine. I'm trying to not, since I have a hypothetical brain tumor, I'm trying to not restrict myself to being a certain way because once my hypothetical brain tumor is removed, I might be a completely different person.

So I want to be ready for whatever comes next. He's going to be a cool cruiser. I might be. I really might be. That might be the true you. It might be. Peel back the layers and you're at the core of it all. You're a cool cruiser.

Yeah. And it might just be my destiny to go on a boat to Alaska. Oh, my God. He's wearing pineapple shirts, flip-flops. Not upside down. Okay, D and I haven't talked about the pineapple part yet. Not upside down, just normal. Okay, good. Thank God.

Okay, I was like, I don't know about that one. No, no, no. I won't make that call for you. That's not my place. But yeah, I can't wait to see your new self, you know? Me too. What if you're just even more depressed then that's not gonna end well i'll tell you that um then i'll put is that possible honestly what if pd this whole time has been like improving your mood and you just didn't

stop because you know it sounds like something i think of when i'm high and then be like oh no and then you call me and you're like, I can't walk. And I'm like, oh, God. I'm just like puking everywhere. Yeah. And I'm like, I think Willie Nelson had a plan for this. Okay. Google ganja help, ganja overdose.

Yeah. Anyway, this next form. Oh, how appropriate. It just began to rain. In my head and outside. I'm sorry. Sometimes my intrusive thoughts, I think, are fun to project on others. And it's immediately apparent to me that it's.

Because I don't have enough of my own. No, right, exactly. I'm like, oh, he gets it. And then I'm like, no, that's not. Let's not share those anxieties with someone who seems to be absorbing a lot of other people's thoughts. You literally just said how malleable I am. And then you said that. And then I just went on.

You took advantage. That's not good. Sorry about that. We have evidence too. I can play this for my therapist. This is bad. This is bad. Just listen to that episode.

This is bad. Okay. In our cruise episode too. Okay. But I but i think that's why i think it's like well fuck it you know yeah um so what i did was i went to the forums of cruise critic and i went a little book wild so i found this i tried to search within cruisecritic.com for like entertainment keywords like to see what the entertainment was. And so here's the title of this forum by Tman4, and it says, Inappropriate Shows for Kids.

First time on FOS. I'm assuming that's something of the Cs, but I don't know what. Frontier? No. Don't look at me. It's a discount airline. First time on FOS and doing the Eastern. Are there shows we should avoid with our DD? 13.

And DS? 15. I am sure the Ice show is fine. What about the others? And then somebody responded about the, I'm not going to read this one, but just for context, they have something called the Love and Marriage Show. Have you heard about this? Of course.

Wait, really? Where do you think I met Dee? No, I don't know what this is. On a cruise ship boomer dating game? I didn't go on the cruise. I was like over video. I was video called in. Oh, and that's why she agreed.

That's why she agreed. It was on the Imractical jokers cruisers yeah uh that's why they agreed you she agreed to date you because the wi-fi was so bad you were cutting out she was like i guess i guess i'll say yes and you said oh my friend pd and she's like oh cool you seem sociable like you know um so there's this thing called the Love and Marriage Show. And then there's like another like late night, like raunchier one. And I guess the Love and Marriage Show is sort of like the newlywed game where people who are either newlyweds and this is their honeymoon, you know, get to participate. And then people who've been in like long term relationships. And so they do kind of a fun game um and so someone said

that is inappropriate uh for children and this is jcl's response i was in the love and marriage show i would see no problem with kids being there either they are old enough to know what making whoopee is or they don't now having my own children they're ages 11 and are old enough to know what making whoopie is, or they don't. Now, having my own children there, ages 11 and 12- Don't you have to be like 80 to know what making whoopie is? I was gonna say, I only know that because I googled it once and was like, well, that's uncomfortable. Yeah, because we were watching the newlywed game, and we're like, why do they keep saying whoopie? What is this?

And we were like, is that a thing people say? I think we knew what it this? And we were like, is that a thing people say? Like, I think we knew what it meant, but we were like, is this a thing that old people say? Yeah. Nobody really knows what that means nowadays. Either they are old enough to know what making Whoopie is or they don't. Now, having my own children there, ages 11 and 12, while I'm on stage would be uncomfortable for me. Grin. ages 11 and 12 while i'm on stage would be uncomfortable for me grin it turned out it took me a long time to get to the react to the eeks and the grins and the roll eyes i just need you to know how how long i held off for your sake thank you would it be uncomfortable for me grin

it turned out they found it later on the tv aloha, okay. And now there's a response by Gary, whose little profile picture is a clam with a beach umbrella. So cute. I love it. It is cute. I feel like we need that as our new pin of the month. I love it. And this is his response to John. They found you making whoopee on the television?

Either a big television or a small you wink face oh i think they meant on oh like physically on okay i was like that seems rude i read it about three times and i was like they mean like the camera angles now the wide lens doesn't fit him yeah me too no they meant wow you must have had a sturdy television or a small... I see, I see. Must be a, what are those people called? Thumbelinas? Yes, they're called Thumbelinas. That scary story we read when we were little, where they, Gulliver's Travels.

Yeah. What were those little people called? What are, Lilliputians. Yeah. Yeah, maybe that's what he is. travels yeah what were those little people called what are uh lily put lily lily putians yeah yeah maybe that's what he is anyway your turn that's the end of that yeah that's the end of it like that was half a okay i'm gonna move on there were some more comments that were not interesting to me I'm sure I have one last thing And it is also a forum post But on the Yelp forums This was posted by Josh

In 2008 So it's been a while Since this was posted 14 years ago what song do you keep singing it's been a while i'm not singing a song just saying it's been a while uh here we go it's by josh help going on cruise with family chances of hooking up oh lord said hey i'm 18 and going on a cruise with parents next week. I'm going on Carnival to Baja, Mexico for four days. What are chances that I'll meet someone in the

18 to 23 age range that I will find attractive? I'm going with parents, so would it be hard to pick up as I'm not with friends slash wingmans? How are most of the females there around that age going to be traveling with, and who's had experience with this? If I have no trouble meeting an

attractive woman any given night I go clubbing, and a sociable person, would it be easy for me on the cruise? Thing that bothers me is, I will be alone. Are there a lot of people in the same situation as I? End of question. Well, you'll be with your parents, right? Oh, yeah.

Why is he not? He says he's alone. Yeah, but no wingman. They're not going to wingman for him. He needs a wingman. Oh, I see. He's alone in that setting. Okay, got it. Here's what Mike has to say.

You are going to get some much booty on this cruise, dude. I went on a cruise and I think I had sex with about 500 different women. No joke. They're joking. They're joking. They are joking. They say no joke, but they're being facetious. You think? Yes.

Saying, you're going to get so much booty on this cruise. I went and I had sex with 500 different women on a cruise. On one cruise. No. I think he's just exaggerating. He's not. You really don't think he's serious? Yes, most of the comments were facetious.

I very much think this person was joking. I think the thing is that I am used to the cruise critic lingo and facetiousness is something they don't really... It's not a strong suit. Yeah, it's not in their... Repertoire. Yeah. So, okay. Okay.

So I'm operating under the assumption that he was kind of making fun of this question. Is that what you're saying? Yes. Okay. And many people were. Okay, okay. Here's a comment by Troy. Just do like all the other dudes do on Carnival Cruise ships.

Hang on the deck above the topless sun deck and ogle the chicks. Most of them are around 60 years old, but the few young ones will be impressed by your leering and give you the blow job of a lifetime out of appreciation. Okay. That one I followed. Okay. I followed the facetiousness on that one. And then the final one,

the final comment I have is by Kate who says, Josh, the title of this thread makes one think you want to hook up with someone in your family. I'm going to pause to read the title again. Read the title. Help. Going on cruise with family.

Chances of hooking up. He's getting roasted. He's getting roasted. And then, oh, it's not over. And why at 18 are you going on a cruise with family members dude that is so lame he's gonna feel i'd okay to be fair i'd go on a cruise with my family at yeah i don't think that's weird but i kind of like that this guy i feel like it's weird to go on a cruise with your family and just be like i'm so horny where are're the females. Like, yikes. I'm 18. I'm horny. Forget mom and dad and sister and brother.

I'm going to go ogle some elderly women. I wanted to see if Josh grew out of calling women females. Oh. But there were no reviews posted. So, like, I think we can comfortably guess no, he did not. I mean, he got away from Yelp, it seems, so maybe. You're right. He probably went to somewhere more accepting of his views and attitude.

Well, Yelp didn't. Common Sense Media? I was thinking more somewhere like a 4chan or somewhere where they'll be more accepting. Reddit, where they'll be more accepting of his proclivities. Proclivities? Proclivities? be more accepting of his you know yeah proclivities proclivities that's my last one so hurry up and finish your whatever garbage you have for me okay your proclivities i'm about uh i'm on page six of 13 are you shitting me oh my god so this is a review by Auntie Bones.

Can I show you her... Did I just come up with that? No. Can I show you her promo? Yeah. What is that? I actually love it. Me too. It's so funny.

It looks like Dory a little bit. It looks like an off-brand Dory. We got to get the artist, whoever that artist is. I know. Well, I think it might be her grandson on mspaint cute okay auntie bones wrote a review of morella cruises and the title is celebration comedian george king i'm not a prude in any way but did anyone find this comedian offensive he said that he wouldn't swear and that his act was suitable for children,

but then went on for 45 minutes about gardening. For those who saw it, you will know what he meant. Unfortunately, so did all the kids watching. I didn't lower myself to go to his late night show. This is meant to be a family cruise, and I didn't expect cheap smut. I'll never look at my private hedge in the same way again eek no that was the worst eek i've ever heard my oh my god i'm disturbed by that yeah how does that why is that what is that i don't like any of this i assume the joke

was like oh gardening like yeah trimming your bush i assume there was like all that kind of um yeah lingo uh which i feel like is not that inappropriate i mean it's it's not comfortable yeah it's not i don't find it particularly funny but i don't think like it's not it doesn, it's not comfortable. Yeah, it's not. I don't find it particularly funny, but I don't think, like. It's not, like, inherently sexual. Right? You know, it doesn't. Right. I mean, I don't know what the rest of the jokes were, but, yeah.

I don't. She also wrote private hedge kind of weird, like P-R-I-V-E-T. Is that a different word? I don't know. Prevet. Whatever. I'm not priv word? I don't know. Privet. Whatever. I'm not privy to that information. Yeah.

Thank God. Eek. That was a good eek in that it was so terrible. Yeah. The private hedge eek combo was a lot. Okay. So this is another forum. This is more like a request for information and help.

This was written by ItsMeRed, who also has this clam with an umbrella. And I'm wondering if this is like a known icon they use. I wonder what it signifies. It's definitely an icon. It's a clam. And you said in front of a hedge? A private hedge. A clam is gardening?

A private hedge. Oh, is gardening? A private hedge. Oh, okay. Uh-oh, that's not good. No. So here's the review. DH, as we know, dear husband. Oh, yeah, earlier you said DD, which was... Dear daughter.

Not designated driver, it's dear daughter. Or DS is dear son. Yeah, and... What about dear daddy? What about... Double? What about double D? Double D. What about, here's the thing. Some people wrote darling.

So they would write DH parentheses darling husband. Darling husband. Maybe worse to me. Yeah. I don't know. DH was bitten by a big. Iguana. Iguana.

No. DH was bitten by a big bug and I need your input. Is this like the bug is actually the slot machines at the casino? Alexander. Or is it a literal bug?

You're onto something. You're onto something. Okay, okay. Pineapple? Upside down pineapples? Nope. Okay. Help me. my husband is

addicted to swinging oh no that's so bad and i'm gonna personify it as a big bug here's the post okay it is a very exotic bug and is costing us quite a bit of money for the cure. He happened up this bug called the Princess Cruise Bug. Colon. P. Don't stick your tongue out at me. I hated that. I think he picked it up while on our Panama Canal cruise in January. Wink face.

We have a cruise book for December. You sound like an STD or something. I'm sorry. It's just so like we picked it up in the panama don't be so coy about it just say that he really enjoys of cruises we have a cruise booked for december on the emerald and now he came home yesterday and wants to find one for alaska this summer colon d smiley. So many different smiles going on here. And then, which itinerary or ship would you choose and why? And then they listed two possibilities, the golden princess or the diamond princess.

Ooh. Yeah. I read something about the emerald princess earlier, right? Oh, yeah. I don't understand. I don't either. And now, I have just a bunch of responses. Okay.

Just for your hearing pleasure this is by uh crazy cruisers with two k's okay and uh a z two z's of course well it's crazy and then crazy cruisers their profile shows that they have posted uh 125 000 times in these forums shit yep uh impressive and they've been posting since 2001 wow and their font is comic sans good good here's the response it's a wonderful feeling to be hooked on to cruising join the club here's a response by pathfinder s join all the rest of us cruisaholics seriously glad you enjoyed your alaskan cruise uh here's one by puppy can cruise wow i'm just like you we took our first cruise to alaska a few years ago and it got us hooked can't wait for our next cruise here is a response by bahrain not dubai

and their profile photo is i heart bahrain oh okay and their comment says there is no cure but thankfully treatment does exist that tends to relive symptoms and that is book another cruise sticking out tongue face also uh relive symptoms i mean same probably though. Honestly, they're not wrong about that. Not wrong. Okay, this is a review by Cockalina. I mean, not a review, a response. And this says, welcome to our world of addiction. Jesus. I will say, cruise folk are welcoming folk at the very least. I'll give them that.

And also very self-aware in a yes alarming way yes welcome to our world of addiction the cure is much worse than the disease oh jesus what is it death colon d just go with it and enjoy your children do not need an inheritance that's hilarious that one got me good i love that your children do not need an inheritance eek and then um another colon d smiley i love these people and this is a response by cbr663 we love it so much that i wish i were a cartoon character and could go splat against the walls when we enter our cabin oh no it's not it but that's a good thing what have you been watching i watch a lot of the boys and nothing good happens in that context of splatting on

the wall i feel like that's like a very i mean maybe i'm but i mean the cartoon character though yeah i guess i guess that could be a thing spl Splat against the wall. I guess. So somebody also responded. So I have Cap and Carp responded to two different people. And the first post he responded to says, I think we once tried a 12-step program here, but alas, it didn't work. And Cap and Carp says, The only 12-step program that works involved the last 11 steps up the gangplank to your ship. And very self-aware.

Yeah. The other the other post they responded to said at least you will feel some comfort knowing that you are not alone. And then cabin carp wrote. Hello, my name is Mark and I am a cruisaholic. The rest of Cruise Critic. Hi, Mark. Okay. I have two more responses here.

Good. Red Squirrel, R-D-S-Q-R-L, and then they have a red squirrel as their profile photo. In Comic Sans wrote, well, Dr. Red Squirrel prescribes the diamond because it goes to the glaciers, which are spectacular. So I understand. I don't do ice unless it's in my martini shaker. Respect.

Hey, if you're going on a cruise, don't go to the cold one. Yeah, right? And the highlight of an alaskan cruise take two pillow chocolates and call me in the morning what that one i do not understand so apparently i didn't even i didn't even put it in here but they sometimes leave chocolates on your pillow uh-huh and so he's saying like oh my prescription is take two pillow chocolates call me in the morning that's kind of cute it is kind of cute and he changed

that font to purple that one just for fun got got me somehow yeah surprised me and then someone said yeah we like complimented or tipped one of the people and told them how good the chocolates were and they gave us like 45 chocolates on our last day. And she was like, I still eat them and I'm trying to ration them, but it makes me so sad that we're running low. Oh, no. Because it brings back such fond memories. And so when I read that, I'm like, I love that people have such great experiences,

you know, despite all this other stuff. Despite all this other stuff. Despite all that rest. Despite everything else. Sweeping under the rug. Okay. So this is the. Despite all that rest. Despite everything else. Sweeping under the rug. Okay, so this is the last response to that. Arguably the worst. God, okay.

This is by Boba Link, whose photo is a clip art of a son wearing sunglasses. And it says, I caught a bug while on a mexican riviera cruise when we got home i went to see dr ta and said dr doctor give me the news i've got a bad case of loving to cruise uh i don't know how the rest goes but it goes no pills gonna cure my. I've got a bad case of lovin' to cruise. I don't know the tune of that. No, you did great, I think. Doctor, give me the news. The only antidote, he said, is to get back on the ship that bit you.

Wow, that's aggressive. We took his advice and we are able to maintain a healthy lifestyle by cruising whenever possible only 103 more days until i get to take another dose of medicine greek isles here i come to the op we took the southbound alaska cruise it was fabulous we did the cruise tour and highly recommend that. End of review or response. God, these people are so weird, but they know they're weird. I know, that's the thing.

I'm not mad about it. I know. I mean, I'm weird too, so I can't really. Yeah. But like, man, these people are something else. It's its own universe in there. And I did a bad thing next. No.

No, I know. I did a bad thing within the bad thing no i searched within the website for the phrase to the tune of that's actually pretty funny because after this last response i thought i wonder that's pretty good it will not shock you at all to to learn that you overwhelmed overwhelmed that's a good search thing there were even songs that i like gilligan's island theme song and i was like i don't on the top of my head know how that goes so nor at the bottom christina there's no way in any part of your head any part of my head that my head does not contain that information off the top of my head i'm like what

do you like if i heard it maybe i'd recognize it but maybe not okay maybe i have no idea but i'm not sure so i only picked one okay for everybody's sake um this is by avril is it skater boy famous cruisaholic hi avril uh and she wrote i hope it's better meaning less annoying than the one Carnival does. Okay, because they were all discussing the different. Apparently, I watched a lot of YouTube videos of this. Really fucked up my YouTube algorithm. But there are these videos of the final song and dance number that the staff does for all of the cruisers. Now, that is where I really start to feel bad for the staff.

They bring out the chefs and everybody has to sing and do this dance number. for all of the cruisers. Now that is where I really start to feel bad for the staff. They bring out the chefs and everybody has to sing and like do this dance number. And it's like at the end of camp sort of like, I mean. It's like when you see Walmart employees early in the morning having to do like a team building chant or something. That kind of bullshit. Yeah.

And it's like for the cruisers. But this one is like's like a show a show oh and they're meant to like entertain everybody and it's like that sounds terrible it does and so i guess what they do is they sing songs that are real songs but then they change the words it's just like really uncomfortable so i'm gonna read'm going to sing one of them to you. And I'm sorry about it. Can't wait. So this is a song that the cruise employees sing.

Correct. Got it. Okay. I'm not ready. I'll never be ready. So yeah, there was one that was like pretty rough. And I didn't even know the song. So I couldn't really understand it.

But Avril said, I hope it's better, meaning less annoying, than the one Carnival does. Eek! Leaving our fun ship, sung to the tune of Leaving on a Jet Plane, is still stuck in my head from our B2B cruise in December, January. Eek! That could be because we heard it twice, though. And then she put the lyrics. So this is what they sang to wait on me all your bags are packed you're ready to go we're standing here in front of you

we hate to see you this cruise we've danced for you and made you smile already we're so lonesome we could cry so wave and smile for me tell me that you'll be back for me. Hold me like you'll never let me go. You're leaving our fun ship. We want to see you back again. We hate to let you go. It still goes. Next verse. Every ship we go, we think of you.

What is that? It's still going on. Every song we sing, we sing for you. When you come back, we want to serve you again, again, again, again. So wave to me and smile for me tell me you'll be back for me hold me like you'll never let me go wait wait wait wait wait that line is just normal right like but that's what it was the first time too who's holding who here they're just saying hold me like you'll never the poor chef who's like i don't want to this is wild

like i've been making like cream cheese omelets all week and now has to sing this song at all these people hold me like you'll never let me go this is terrible you're leaving our fun ship we want to see you back again leaving our fun ship we hope to we hope to see you back again leaving our fun to see you back again. And then she wrote, is Norwegian cruise lines the same or similar? This one makes me cry every time I hear it, especially when I'm on board listening to the waiters and waitresses sing it to us. The frown face. Aww. That's so sweet. I like that it has that effect, that it actually does have a positive effect.

It seems like people really appreciate it. That makes me happy. Yeah. I can't be mad at these cruisers. I really can't be. I just, just kill me, though, if I ever have to do it. I don't know. It's just not for me.

No, no. I think you and I would have, we'd be several margaritas deep and we'd be like, what is going on? I would, I would have a blast, though. Oh, yeah. If they're seeing that, I'd be like, oh going on i would i would have a blast though oh yeah saying that i'd be like oh but that's the thing that's when i'm like maybe we could have a good time you know it's hard to tell i'd like to think i'm easy going enough where i could have a blast on a cruise just like appreciate it for what it is exactly i agree i think i'm gonna i think we're gonna talk ourselves into doing this one of these days. I hope not. I hope not.

Me too. So then the last thing I have is an article from cruisecritic.com. I was worried earlier when you said you read one. Okay. Because this one is called 17 Epic Cruise Fails Reader Edition. Oh. And I just, because I Googled, I think like. Epic Cruise Fails?

Yeah. That was on my own time. That wasn't for this. Yeah. You have a Google alert for that i do um but so this was just kind of a fun little like uh i don't know i only picked two just silly things that readers submitted that like you know had an impact on their cruise this is by tiny rose who said first cruise honeymoon cruise 1999 walked into the cabin dh darling husband reaches over and pops the tabs on two cokes so that we can toast the start of our new life together he assumed

that the cokes were complimentary then i noticed the card showing the price of those free cokes the look on his face was priceless okay i pulled up um just out of curiosity i pulled up like a um an in in room and uh this is from 2017 so this had been written in 1999 so i can only assume the prices have gone up um what is your guess for how much a coca-cola is oh man in the roomends on the kind. Like, is it a can? Is it a bottle? I think it's a can, because she said they pop the tabs. In 1999, they pop the cans?

Pop the tabs in them? Okay, let's see. I would say, like, a few bucks. In 2017, a soft drink in the room was $2.25. Okay. Right?

Yeah. Like what? That's cheaper than any hotel. That seems like, I mean it's a lot I guess, but like when you're on a ship floating in the middle of the ocean. Yeah, I guess I just was like, wow, the look on his face. I'm like, well, in 1999 I imagine it was less than $2.25.

You'd think, but maybe like it was more egregious because normally you can get a Coke for much cheaper. For $0.50. Right. Maybe, maybe. But I was like, damn, I'm glad he didn't open. Yeah.

That's surprising for an epic cruise fail. Right? That's why I was confused. Even though many liquors are $5.50. Okay. The domestic beer is $5.95 wine is eight dollars um you know you know these i don't think she said what cruise line exactly you never know why but why wouldn't she include the price yeah like so we could say oh i'm so curious i know if anyone knows how to access 1999 mini bar pricing on cruise lines let us know okay so don't let me know please keep me out of this

also every time i'm reading one of these this picture of this creepy purple fish i love that i'm obsessed with this fish can we just post that fish to Instagram? I think so. You can do it. Okay. This says, I've seen brighter days. That's the... Okay. Is this still an epic fail? Yeah.

Cool. Well, it's according to the article. Yeah. I would argue this is much more of an epic fail for what it's worth. Experienced cruiser with a brand new ipad total electronic idiot got an app for a nightlight feature including a clock didn't realize the clock would cause the ipad to try to roam to find the time where i was total cost 187 before i found out what i had done about day two of the cruise. Could have been worse.

It was a seven day cruise. Oh, no. Imagine if she hadn't figured that out. I know. That is very much something I could see myself doing. Yeah, you don't realize, you know. I mean, I'm glad my iPad doesn't have like data. But that would, if you didn't know

and you got a brand new iPad. And that app, that's so shitty. That is shitty. They must just get all sorts of random, like, giant chunks of change. Yeah, that's so random, though. And then she wrote, this is Marge E. Cruiser, by the way. Of course. She wrote, P.S. Love the Nightlight app.

Just disable the automatic clock and set the time manually as you go through different time zones. I like that she's like, oh, my bad. It's fine. Here's $187. good good good attitude like this one's on me and can still recommend it oh boy okay and then i promise this is the end okay i just have one redemption and this was the first listing under the epic cruise fails oh and, okay. And I consider it quite... The most epic cruise fail, you would say? The most epic cruise fail. I love it. And honestly, a redemption.

Okay. Letting my husband... Nope, it doesn't say husband. It says hubby. Okay. Yeah, no one there will just say husband. No. Yeah, that doesn't make sense.

Then you know you're a novice. Yeah, that's not right. Letting my hubby hold the paddle at the art auction unbeknownst to me he fell asleep i nudged him to say how much fun i was having and he woke up up with the paddle and we'd bought a print fortunately it was not too expensive we were laughing our butts off as we spoke to parkside and they offered to let us decline the purchase but i insisted on following through that print now hangs in our living room and brings a smile to my face every time i see it and it's been 14 years that's so cute is that not the most heartwarming like quote unquote fail i just thought that was

such a great story and like every time someone comes over they can be like oh well you know this painting fun cute story i love it oh my gosh so that was um all of my 16 pages uh hey you did that was great no i think it was 13 regardless it was many thank you it was too many i don't know if i'll say too many because it was a good it was a good selection you brought well i felt like uh i felt like this was my time to shine it was you you shown i did say eek but i i tried to limit it no yeah i mean you can't you like i think there's some law about you not you have to say basically what i'm trying to say here threshold i need to meet i think um yeah it's in your contract it is the contract that I wrote for myself. Yes.

Yeah. Fair. That you did not agree to. I did not sign it. I refused. I still refuse to. Are you ready for my challenge? I sure am. I mean, when I say I sure am, I'm absolutely not.

But I don't really have a choice. Yeah. No. This is going to be somewhat of a punishment for you. Yeah. Honestly, I'm dreading it. My challenge was from Angie. And it was to find reviews written from the perspective of a punishment for you yeah honestly i'm dreading it my challenge was from angie and it was to find reviews written from the perspective of a baby um this was i will say a lot harder than i thought

it would really i did not find that many wow so many people wrote reviews and the problem was the keywords it was hard to find because a lot of people wrote reviews from the perspective of like their dogs right so like they used baby talk for their dogs their animals so it's like really hard to sift through and find the ones that were humans but i found some and also the other thing with the the keywords was for the phrases that i would use were like phrases that are like titles of books. So I would say like, my mommy says, but then there's like a book on Amazon or 10 books on Amazon says, my mommy says she loves me or something. And so I just sift through all those.

And then it's like, when my I did quotes when my mommy because I was like, that might work or my mommy bought. And there was all so many different products that had those in the title oh the one that i kept seeing was uh it was like my mommy says uh i'm not a pit bull i'm a baby so i would because i would use a keyword baby and try to like sift like make it a little more narrow what a very weirdly specific i found so many reviews i didn't care about and speaking of the animal stuff though i will do start with an animal one that tina sent in because tina says i couldn't find any good ones from the perspective of a baby but i did stumble upon this review of a belgian bar written by a puppy oh okay she said as you didn't specify

human baby i thought this one would be okay and i'm gonna read it so this is of a pub uh called a belgian bar in the uk and it's called huys i don't know h-u-i-s which means home in dutch oh this is written by i don't think they said their name the name of the dog but it's written by a dog okay okay one star oh and also i'm gonna use a baby voice as much as possible to make it uncomfortable for you god not a happy pup paw service it's not often puppies are welcomed into such establishments of such caliber so to be welcomed into who's with the tummy wub and pat was delightful however delight soon turned to horror while my paw rinse gleefully tucked into the camembert trio of crockotten and respective

half pints of vit beer i tucked myself onto the vacant two-seated chesterfield sofa at the rear despite my sterling behavior for no less than half an hour, to mine and my Paul Wynne's dismay, the newly arrived bar manager cast me down from the sofa like a salad at a barbecue and demoted me to the cold, hard floor besides only feet, scraps, and spillages. While I understand this is a renowned Belgian establishment with an esteemed reputation, if one is to allow

our kind into such premises, then the least they can do is allow us the same privileges as those around us. Although I am a dog to some, I am a customer to you. End of review. Well, I really hated that.

This dog thinks it should be able to sit on the sofa because it's a customer. I don't know. This is so weird. I don't disagree. I'm happy to let the dog on any sofa. Yeah, no, but that's their policy. And I don't know. That's their policy. Policy. Wow know. If that's their policy.

Policy. Wow, that was uncomfortable. Thank you. Yeah. So thank you, Tina. I'm not, I didn't do much baby talk there. I know. I just did a very like.

I would argue you did far too much, but okay. I'm working on it. I'm trying. My next one is one I found. This one's just kind of cute. It's a five-star review this is of the book just like mommy by uh megan bryant is the author this five-star review is titled i like this book a lot it reminds me of my mommy and i love my mommy my mommy and me

love the pictures they are smooth and you can feel some of the details the story is good too it shows you how things were different back when my mommy was a kid but we still like the same things like skating cooking writing letters and stuff like that it is like a first reader book and anyone can read it. My mom and I read it all the time. This review was written by Mary with the assistance of her mommy. Mommy's notes. Stacey Peterson is a great illustrator. I love the pictures.

Okay, so you had to add your own as if we weren't able to gather from the first review that you you enjoy this book no because we needed because the mom's like hey you didn't cover everything you didn't talk about the illustrations yeah but like they did i know i'm just kidding um they just want to give stacy peterson which is great because i didn't give stacy peterson a shout out i guess you're right worked out for in our favor i guess you're right. Worked out in our favor. I guess you're right. Yeah. Good job, Stacey.

I just thought that was kind of cute. Having their daughter write, quote unquote, write this review. She's like, I still like to write letters. And Mary in a few years is going to be like, I fucking hate writing letters. What are you talking about? My next one. uh my next one this is of infantino proper pillar tummy time and seated support pillow support for newborn and older babies with detachable support pillow and toys for development of strong head and neck muscles green this is a five-star review oh god my mommy bought this so i would spend more time on my tummy sometimes i am a

sleepy boy but this caterpillar fellow is rather interesting and friendly i especially enjoy the crinkle sun even more than my daddy enjoys crinkle fries i find it easier to hold my head up with this device, and I do like to see what people are doing. Mommy says I'm a nosy boy. I love tummy time now. End of review. I can't. I can't deal with this, Eleanor.

Like, the thing is, I feel bad, because they're cute pictures, too, baby like i don't know it's kind of cute no i'm not trying to like making you uncomfortable you don't have any of these people it's just the way that you oh i know i'm doing that on purpose yeah i can tell it's just a lot for me to take in and accept you know it's just a lot that's all it is a lot um don't worry though because i have my one last one i would argue it's the best though would you yes because it was sent in by rachel uh she her who uh actually sent this back in 2020 and then re like forwarded it again saying hey this fits the challenge oh nice so thank you rachel for that um for remembering anded it again saying, hey, this fits the challenge. Oh, nice. So thank you, Rachel, for that, for remembering and sending it again.

So this is of an infant bathtub. And it's funny because Rachel even said, this could be an interesting challenge. Find a review written from the perspective of a baby, a pet, et cetera. Oh, well, there you go. Okay, so here's the review. God. Shocking. I have not taken a bath my entire life.

And my parents finally bought me this as a gift as I started to smell a little funky. Ew. My first time was scary, but fun. A huge hand held me in place while another one washed my entire body. Yeah, even there. At first

I was shocked. But as it went on, it felt pretty good and I enjoyed finally getting clean and all that gunk off of me. Looking forward to my next bath, as I heard some rumors about yellow rubber duckies. End of review.

146 people found this helpful. Alexander. I love it so much. And that's why I feel disappointed in myself that I couldn't find more, but I promise I searched high and low for shit. I think that's enough i feel disappointed in myself that i couldn't find more but i promise i searched high and low i think i think that's enough for all of us oh man y'all i wish i could do more for you but like what it's just so weird i mean yeah obviously there's like nothing more to say it's just so weird yeah

like i feel like most reviews that are actually helpful on these things like i read a lot of I mean, yeah, obviously there's like nothing more to say. It's just so weird. Yeah. Like, I feel like most reviews that are actually helpful on these things, like I read a lot of reviews of baby stuff when I'm buying them or researching them. And like, this would not be helpful to me in the slightest way. And that's fine. Like, whatever, you know? But I'm like, what is the kind of i guess just a creative outlet i guess yeah no yeah i think it's maybe like a creative writing thing like oh yeah just trying to have fun with it with writing reviews because a lot of these people write reviews of like so

many things and yeah so for this one they're like oh let me try something different yeah like it's harmless it's goofy it's whatever like it's painful sometimes to read or hear me read them. But, you know, it's just a painless, goofy thing we do. I'm just looking through here, and it's sort of like, this has been great for my son. He's four months old. He enjoys sitting. Sometimes it leans a little bit, so keep an eye out for that. And I'm like, that's extremely helpful information.

I don't know but i guess you know it's not always about being you know detailed it's more about yeah some people just leave joke reviews that give get so many helpful votes just because they're funny yeah um so these are just kind of like i don't know they're just having fun with it i uh i'm impressed with those those were so spot on yeah that's the thing is there some that were kind of borderline or they weren't up to snuff so i'm glad i found these and i'm glad i got tina and rachel to help so thank you to you both i think you guys did a great job um and i always it is hard to search amazon. I don't know if that's where you were searching. Mostly.

Not only though, but mostly. Because there's so many things. Like, I mean, just for fun, I typed in like, searched Amazon for Goo Goo Gaga. And there's like a million books. Yeah, I did that too. Like there's literally Goo Goo Gaga, a lullaby tribute to Lady Gaga. I searched for a list of baby talk oh my god because i was so desperate and i searched these things but there was always some

random thing i did google and then it was time of the goo goo dolls and i'm like god damn it like i can't right you can't it was so hard well and like with the pet one it's easier because you can do like my paw rinse yes true like true. Like little things like that. Probably not the name of a book. I did. I wove my like WUV like to see so many animal reviews and also just people. I also found like adult pacifiers and I thought I hit the jackpot. And then I was like, oh, no, this is I think this is a fetish thing.

And then I was like, I'm not including that. That's it for grownups. Yeah, that's a different thing. Because it was like I was one who was like, I love my new I love my new pacifier. And I was like, or my new binky. And I was like, oh, exciting. Perfect. Exactly what I'm looking for.

And then, like, I looked at the reviews and there was another one saying I bought one for me and my partner. And I'm like, what? And then I scrolled up and was like, oh, this is a large. This is for adults. Yeah, OK, got you. Yeah, so I didn't realize how hard that would be. Yeah, no, it was a little bit of a struggle. But it was fun.

And I'm glad it went the way it did. I had fun with it. I think that's why I'm annoyed. It was just because it was so much fun that I wanted more. But yeah. Well, next week, we've got a poll going right now for the episode for next week. Right now, reviews of Summer Camps is winning. Oh, interesting.

And then in second place is my suggestion of reviews of video games. And then in third place is your suggestion of reviews of men's warehouses which i really enjoy that suggestion there are our two are very close to each other and then summer camps is beating all of us and yeah and so y'all if you want to vote on the next one because this comes out we'll have already figured this one out but yeah and then we'll leave a comment to see what you want to do next do you want a challenge no really. Because it's going to be your challenge. Yes, you can give me a challenge. So this is going to be for whatever one this is.

So most likely summer camps, unless the votes change. Okay, so this is the episode that will come out on August 17th. Exactly. Okay. It's actually, your challenge comes from Lily, who commented underneath this post. And this comment has 14 likes. Reviews of seafood restaurants from people who are allergic to shellfish. Okay.

I like this. It doesn't have to be negative, necessarily. Sure. You know, I feel like some people would throw that in to be like, I couldn't eat anything because of this. So, I'm sorry. So, this was commented where? On the Patreon poll for next. Oh.

For this. Oh, so people are commenting challenges now, too. Yeah. That's a great idea. And they've been chatting in there. There are a lot of comments that show up down here. Because that's like a more direct way to find them without like digging through. I mean, we still look through the inbox and stuff.

Yeah. But, okay. That's good to know all right cool well elks in her you survived how are you feeling i'm feeling okay i'm i i feel uplifted with the baby challenge somehow the baby one that got me out of my deep pit of despair i bet having the photos there was a little bit yeah cute babies was like a helpful thing. Yeah, that was nice. And it looks like my baby just woke up, so we can go interact with a real baby now. I can't wait after this one. So exciting.

Yeah. You can ask her what she thinks about her bathtub. And I'll ask Blaze about his big hand holding her down. What the F kind of bathtub? I'm like like i'm very curious but i'll i'll research that on my own time please don't worry everyone all righty everyone talk to you next week see you soon Bye.