Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 195: Reviews of 55+ Communities

Episode Date: August 24, 2022

I don't remember this, but in Christine's notes she wrote "Decatur, AL, Porno" and that probably sums up this episode somehow. Buy your tickets for our Chicago (Beantown) show! beachtoosandy.com/tour Support us on Patreon! https://www.patreon.com/beachtoosandy Get our new Bitch Too Sandy pin and pin board!!! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Xtine's Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/shop/hauntedtofu Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Check out our Instagram: instagram.com/beachtoosandy Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connects ontario.ca please play responsibly today something is coming kong godzilla they can feel it fight together it's human up or face extinction godzilla kong the new empire now playing only in theaters. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet. A podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast. But I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello, hello.

Hi. Welcome to our show. We are about to start our marathon. Three episodes. Hi. Welcome to our show. We are about to start our marathon. Three episodes. Yep. In a row. Yep. So, uh... We're traveling.

When we announce the future themes and challenges, do not send anything in. I mean, you can if you really want to, but we won't see them unless it's for Between You and Us. Yes, exactly. So don't worry about it. Yeah, we had to do all of our research on our own. It was really difficult and time-consuming. won't see them unless it's for between you and us yes exactly so don't worry about it uh yeah we had to do all of our research on our own it was really difficult and time consuming and sad above all else tragic above all else um but here we are recording three episodes back to back and our patriot patriot patrons who voted um so they voted for this one, reviews of 55 and over communities. Right.

And then the next poll had two options that were really close. What were they? It was, hopefully you're ready, reviews of useless wish.com products. Right. And reviews of board games. Right. So those are going to be the next two weeks.

So those were like runner up or like really close tied. So we decided to just do those two instead of surprising everyone with a random one. I just blindly followed what you told me to do. And gives our patrons the idea that they have a choice in this disaster. A little bit of an inkling that they're in control of this crazy universe we've built. Someone's got to be in control and it's not us.

It's certainly not us. What were your thoughts on reviews of 55 and over communities? Okay. I lied because I did use a lot of emails for this one. I figured because I think this one was announced. This one was announced far enough in advance. I don't know. I don't remember what I thought.

What did you think? There are many sad ones because I wrote through a lot for this one. I see. There are many sad ones. Oh, no. But I tried not to include any that were too sad because this is a very can be a very serious subject when it's for people totally who are seeking like end of life care and things so uh it was a lot yeah you know i felt like i missed out on that thankfully because i did read so many emails so people had

already parsed through the ones. I will say since last night when I did these notes, we've gotten quite a few more emails saying, I hope I'm not too late. And I am apologizing about that. But I might save those for between you and us. But anyway, yeah, I missed all the sad stuff. Okay. So I'm fortunate in that regard.

I get a little taste of it today for me. So here we go don't even okay um this first one that i have is of uh ross moore in walnut creek california this is a one star by brianna one star is actually one too many the place is beyond ridiculous to try to sell your parents' residence. After 20 years of ridiculous HOA fees and assessments, now the fun of required things to do or you'll be assessed fees if you want to sell the house. I played their game and completed the list of six items. Only today on final inspection, this item in the back patio needs to be removed. I was never

told this before. Oh, but wait, they will remove it for $200. They can't keep going around claiming fees for this and fees for that. You can't breathe in Rossmoor without paying a fee. Forget having garage and estate sales. Forget making anything easy. Oh, wait, they will get back to you if you leave a message in 36 to 48 hours

because apparently they are so busy. Well then, take the assessments in HOA and hire people. It is beyond frustrating. Priorities in Rossmoor are people not stopping at stop signs and the wildlife. Don't leave your car outside as the wild turkeys will attack it and scratch it all up, thinking the reflection in the car is actually another bird.

Heaven forbid you mention this and watch all the comments in the newspaper. It might be nice to have nothing to worry about in life. I'll get my car detailed now and send that to the alteration department for reimbursement. Honestly, look for somewhere else to call home. Worst experience ever. End of review. Hold on. I'm so...

We had to get through a lot to get to the turkeys. To get to the highlight also was she having a yard sale here okay so i believe this person was selling their parents resident residents but weren't they weren't allowed to have a garage sale to sell or a sale to sell off the items inside okay um and honestly most of this sounded terribly annoying a to a fees like dealing with all this. Sure, like red tape and all that. Getting help for selling this place. But yeah, and then suddenly it gets into the turkeys.

And I love how they specifically explained why the turkeys are doing this as a sort of biology lesson. Is that true, one? I mean, I feel like that's like when a cat is hitting a mirror you know kind of same vibes oh is that why they do that i assume so i don't think like they don't just okay some do some that i've seen go up and randomly hit a wall but they are particularly interested by mirrors yeah i guess that's fair i mean uh i guess you put a mirror by a betta fish or you don't put a mirror by i don't remember one or the other is very what happens if you do

does it explode or something yeah you're supposed to do one or the other and i don't know which one you're supposed to yeah you're supposed to either put one there or not put one there um so no in between i don't know what the in between would be i don't know but one of them is very important that you're black and white yeah one of them is very important that you do or don't do instructions okay um i also don't necessarily think this would be a biology lesson as you insinuated it might be more of a zoological lesson um just you know you know i have a biology person who tweets at me every now and then. Oh, true. I just want to be on the right side of that. Thank you. Actually, you just saved me from getting...

Although, it is interesting that zoology is, in fact, a branch of biology. So, I was being more inclusive to the biological community. Got it. Well, just on an auto-mechanics side of things, this would be quite... I wonder if this is a common thing that happens there. It seemed like it. Because it seems like it's a big problem and i wonder if when people aren't stopping at stop signs and hitting cars maybe they say it must have been the turkeys yeah i was gonna say all those dents are coming from turkeys it's weird because you never see them um but they are

out there as evidenced by all the dents in the cars uh wow, that's quite a doozy. Well, this one I have was sent in by Olivia, whose grandparents actually live at this location. It's the, I don't know if it's Carillon or Carillon? Assisted Living. Carillon. I'm going to say neither. C-A-R-I-L-L-O-N. Carillon.

Okay, all right. All right. Like, calm down. Calm down. It's in Illinois, so I'm not so sure about that. But maybe. Ah, Illinois. Okay, just go.

Okay. This is a four-star review by a local guy named Fibro Man, who's written 424 reviews. Oh, I hope they stopped. The review. Why? Wait, how many did they write? 424. Oh, I thought you said 420. I hope they stopped. The review. Why? Wait, how many did they write? 424. Oh, I thought you said 420.

Oof. Oh. I was like, why? Okay, never mind. I hope they delete four. You know, 424. Jesus. I know 808.

What? Okay. This is a review by fiber man four stars sleep tight it actually says sleep tight nice place and service end and then it just cuts off it's very ominous the way you paused after and sounds like when you say and. Sexy stuff. So I was weirdly expecting that to pop in there, even though it might be relevant. It might be the insinuation, but sleep tight. You should ask, who sent this in?

Olivia. You should ask Olivia about how sexy this place is. I'd rather not. I think you kind of just did. Olivia, how sexy is this place okay well i hope the right amount for your loved ones which is hopefully no hopefully it's none of my business huh that's my thought sleep tight doesn't connect sexy to me it connects uh serial killer no no that's creepy but that sounds very threatening i'd rather it be a sexy place than the murderous place you know yeah um from

there i have pretty happy or i'll say five star reviews okay i'm not all happy but um i actually brought uh five star reviews because it was it was tough to find one star reviews that weren't uh you know about terrible experiences right that weren't just the one about turkeys and then the rest were just sad. Yeah, yeah. I just like those turkeys, so I want to include those. But now I have a review of the Avista Senior Living North Mountain. This is in Phoenix, Arizona.

This is a five-star review of Samuel. Of Samuel? By Samuel. This facility has been so great for my mom. She has dementia. They put her on the fifth floor and a one-bedroom private apartment. Great views of the city. She can be one mean bitch, but they are always nice.

This place has been a bit of a godsend in my life. When I get old and need this kind of help, I would gladly live at a Vista. Thank you, fifth floor staff and the restaurant staff. She never gets mealtime right. Y'all are great. End of review. Oh my god. I love that he's like, when I'm old and genuinely going to be a huge dick, they're going to be totally fine with it.

That's a glowing review. He honestly is. I'm impressed that he was so forthright about this yeah uh oh my gosh yeah i can't believe they even let you write the word bitch i know google without marking it or flagging it made me happy um wow wow wow just wait till my next review i love that that was a five star but also had quite a burn in it you know this is a review sent in by jenny it's called uh colonial heritage and jenny described it as an active adulthood community in williamsburg virginia um and jenny's parents live here it sounds like a civil war reenactment group

okay it's right by colonial williamsburg yeah yeah Yeah. And Jenny actually lived there for a time before getting her own place. So had some firsthand experience and really enjoyed it. But I have a one star view for you. This is by Charles. Beware of any retirement community that uses an outside management company. Claim security with Gates, no less. Then allows landscapers, garbage pickup, pool maintenance companies in from who knows where. I would argue that you would know exactly

where, but okay. I feel like it's in their best interest to let you know where they're from. Can you imagine? It's like DIY garbage pickup because we don't let any strangers into this complex. It's like, wait, so. and in their mystery vans that don't have any labels or advertising from their mystery town yeah where else are they from pool maintenance doesn't seem like something um very ominous to me and also doesn't seem like saying you'd want to do your on your own so i don't know why if there were a specific terrible instance that happened maybe that'd be worth reviewing over but maybe the review the pool maintenance company then the general idea of

allowing people to do maintenance and work within the community pick up your garbage gonna do are you gonna do it reviewer that's what i'm saying what are you gonna carry your trash to the dump i don't think so okay claim security with gates no less than allows landscapers garbage pickup pool maintenance companies in from who knows where hoa fee does not include a master insurance policy on homes your responsibility no health care center for residents when they become elderly either end of review uh i just loved the strangers are allowed in here like the from who knows where. I have a feeling security knows where, or at least management.

I would say you could probably just look at the side of the truck, the van. But I mean, what do I know? I don't think they're just showing up one day, driving in, saying, anyone got a pool here that needs maintenance? Ooh, that just sounds like the start of a porno. Anyone got a pool here? Oh, well, I have this net. I have a good candidate to star in it. Oh, okay. From my next review.

This is a five star review. This is of the River City Center in Decatur, Alabama. Five stars. They have good physical therapy. Food isn't the best, but it's all right. There's a cute smoking area and even a garden. The nurses are great, especially Scott's fine ass. He is daddy as fuck.

End of review. Whoa! So you're wondering why certain words wouldn't be allowed? Well, that's on Yelp. Scott's fine ass. I wonder if this is the same one who does the physical therapy because i remember i had to do physical therapy once for my knees in high school and i remember being so uncomfortable because like how daddy the therapist was well he was actually quite attractive yes but that's

besides the point because it is it's not it's actually not besides the point it besides the point, because it is. It's not. It's actually not besides the point. It is the point. But yeah, it's like very touchy-feely, you know what I mean? Like, you have to be comfortable with that. So I imagine he probably doesn't love it if he knew that they were calling him that. I recently just had my testicles fondled by, not fondled, that's a very wrong word. Wow! Examined is the word, by a urologist yeah that urologist is not happy that you just said the word i should not have said that word um yeah i couldn't imagine having this mindset of the encounter or so if that's what it

was physical therapist would be like oh man that was no it was, physical therapist would be like, oh man, that was, no, it was for medical purposes. Yeah, yeah. All business. You really got to keep those separate unless you are starring in your own Decatur, Alabama set porno. Just some platonic testicle examinations. Examinations. Wow, this got weird. Anyway, I just needed a reason to say that.

Yeah, I knew you'd find one somewhere or another. In our first episode of the day, you found it. Uh, wow. This got weird. Anyway. I just needed a reason to say that. Yeah. I knew you'd find one somewhere or another. In our first episode of the day, you found it. Got it out of the way. Good for you. Actually, I can hit the trifecta. Mention it in all three. I'll try not to.

Glad I do the first round of edits. Only if it comes up organically. Oh, sure. Okay. We just talked about transubstantiation earlier. And I said, oh, I told Em that I talk about transubstantiation earlier and i said oh i told em that i talk about transubstantiation at least once every couple months and you said oh my friends and i talked about that last weekend yep um so you know maybe it'll come up organically we just

have no way of knowing uh i know because i'll force force it to be organic oh got it oh okay well in that case so this review i have read before on the show but i think it's worth reading again and i think i won't remember yeah it bears repeating because this was sent in by allison who works in search reviews for a living and basically like helps businesses who get negative reviews and how to respond and how to deal with it. The Lord's work, if I may. And so this is a review that Allison sent in of Guardian Angels by the Lake Senior Living Center. Okay. And this is a one out of five star review by Carolyn. I am an intuitive entertainer.

And when I performed here, it felt like the place is haunted. A ghost kept messing with my music. I do remember this one. Don't you? I knew you would. It's so good. A ghost kept messing with my music, turning it off. It was fine when I got home. Creepy feelings started the minute i got in the door and left

when i did i've been to hundreds of facilities and this one has the heaviest energy i've ever encountered it needs a sacred space clearing and a ghost buster end of review a ghost buster is that a ghost buster capital g capital b, is that an actual position that exists right now? Yeah, you got to go through, be ordained through the Holy Orders. It's a sacrament. It's a whole thing. I feel that the term Ghostbusters is more of a, I would imagine anyone who's in some sort of paranormal field, some sort of paranormal investigator, I think Ghostbusters might have

set them back. And so that term just seems kind of negative. Yeah, I see what you're saying. And goofy and silly. Yeah, because compared to sacred space clearing, that sounds so gentle and holy and then Ghostbuster. But maybe they need a little more aggression in this place to really clear it out.

Because, I mean, the fact that this demonic ghost entity kept turning off the music goes to show how terrible the energy really is yeah and how terrible the music was i was gonna say can you imagine it's probably just some irritating like uh meditative music i don't know what you would be playing as an intuitive entertainer by the way what is that an intuitive i know we've had this conversation before but yeah i i don't know what you would be playing as an intuitive entertainer, by the way. What is that? I don't know. I know we've had this conversation before. Yeah, I don't remember what we talked about. So some people are probably rolling their eyes that we're either repeating ourselves or contradicting ourselves. It's got to be one or the other.

We've grown as people. That's what it is. Or we've devolved as people. Who's to say? But yeah, so I just... That's funny. That one just gets me good. It's one of the wildest ones i've

i remember coming across so i figure it was worth bringing back okay my uh next one is of terwilliger plaza terwilliger plaza i don't know terwilligers in portland oregon this is a five-star review by hannah this was written in 2014. In 2009, when I made my decision to move to Oregon, people were aghast. They said I was too young to move into a retirement home. I had not reached 70 yet. So I asked them, how long do you think I should wait to move to a retirement home? If I wait until I am already in poor health and desperately need to make the move. Will there be an immediate opening?

And even if miraculously they do have one, do you think I will have the energy to face a move from out of the state and everything that a move itself entails, as well as getting acquainted with a new city, new roads, new to me, whether learn to navigate on public transportation, new living space, make new friends,

find new doctors in their offices new routines new everything when my own poor health would be limiting my ability to cope okay but like is moving to a new city like a necessity of retiring i feel like this is something that's a seems to be a separate issue yeah maybe that was their eventual goal was to retire in portland in portland and so it was just part of their i see they wanted to go early to scope things out exactly exactly yeah and i mainly brought this because i thought this was a nice change from all my reviews that i like research where someone who is on the younger end okay to some to some people, what the process was like and what their thought process was. Yes, yes, yes, exactly.

Rather than like someone's child or someone's loved one who's Complaining about terrible things that happened. Yeah, going through the process, yeah. Now, after nearly four years living at Terwilliger Plaza, I'm happy that I came early to make my life the way I want, while I'm still spry and able. You've heard the saying, your life is what you make of it. I have set the foundation of this phase of my life.

Now my adoptive family is in place. I want to mention several positive aspects here at Terwilliger Plaza. I have a say in making decisions that will affect us all. I am not just a number to the administration and staff. The majority of the board of directors consists of residents right here. We participate in selecting members of that board. We come from many nations, races, religions, interests, and careers. Originally, residents were mostly retired Oregon educators.

Now there are retired professionals from a very wide range of careers. Lawyers, doctors, scientists, geologists engineers historians artists medical professionals business persons clergy administrators musicians secretaries librarians etc who are actively engaged in making our home terwilliger plaza a huge success in every way end of review whoa yeah this is a very positive redemption was my whole point this location yeah they didn't they don't have podcaster on that list yet i think i have an edge i'll be in portland soon i can ask for a brochure for you my name in oh my god put me on the waiting list yeah i mean you know nowadays like preschool waiting lists start when you're pregnant so i mean i feel like you can't start too early at least if you're

this person like you can yeah you can i'm going to give them Leona's name quite yet. No, maybe not yet. No, no, no. But I'll give you and Blaze. You're old. She's not even in preschool yet because she's not off the waiting list. So, yeah, I think maybe it's too soon for that. Wow, that was a ringing endorsement.

I kind of feel like maybe I'm going to go to Portland to retire. Sounds like a plan. You know? Okay, so this is from Laniece. You remember Laniece. Of course. Who said, next time, remember when you named one of your reviewers Laniece?

Yeah, well, she says, well, my middle name's Esther, and people always call that an old person name, so you can use that if you want. I will. So this is of Vias del Sol, assisted living in El Paso, Texas, and this is a one-star review by Cleo.

My grandma has a patient here and they called my family last night to let us know she had passed away and then called us back five minutes later to let us know it wasn't even her. It was a male patient. So terrible. Oh my God.

That's so bad oh my god i was like stunned about that i don't know yeah one star uh yeah understandable i i'm how that mix-up occurs i don't know but um glad they sorted it out yeah how the hell i feel like every time they make one of those phone calls they should say the patient's or the the deceased person's full name yeah just to make sure you know at the hospital when they say like give me your last name date of birth to just like triple check that i'm giving you the right medication oh my god please give your loved ones date of birth to just like triple check that i'm giving you the right medication oh my god please give your loved ones date of birth so we can confirm their living status oh dear god

please confirm their gender oh sorry this one's a male patient uh my mistake that's the thing is though i i i also wonder how could that happen? I make plenty of mistakes in my life, and they're very... Low stakes. Low stakes, because that's kind of the position I'm in. Thankfully. We put ourselves in positions where we don't hold people's lives in the balance. Yeah. I just got a blood test this morning.

It was my second time going in the past week. And the last time I went, I specifically asked him not to do two tests because my doctor said, wait to do these two tests on another day. So I did. But then when I got there, they said, we don't have those two tests in the system. And long story short, we figured it out. I helped the woman who was working there on the computer. I helped her like find it with her. And I was kind of like, huh, thinking nothing bad. She was very friendly. I was like, huh, like, I shouldn't have to like help that what's going on here and then she was like yeah i retired a couple years ago just came back i'm actually normally up on the floor and phlebotomy uh i've never come to the outpatient lab this was my first time she's like and i showed up and the only other

person working here said that she had a doctor's appointment so she left and so she was like so i've never done this and god so she's very appreciative of me and like thankful for my patients especially with computer stuff you know if it's like a new system or something yeah and the system made no sense to me i couldn't be like try this because i was like i i don't know what half these things are yeah yeah and she was incredible when it came to actually uh drawing uh my sample she's a phlebotomy expert like it was i didn't feel a thing nice it was so great anyway so yeah so i mean it happens and i'm uh again especially working in like hospice care or or senior living facilities like that is such a high turnover job and also like a very tough job to be in and also in high demand so i know that that's probably um it could be part of the problem i'm not sure but i cannot

imagine being in this person's case well think about those five minutes where you got the news you're awful now you're calling everyone like fuckingful. Like fucking phone tree, you know? And then they call you back and you have to kind of say, are you sure? Because last time you were wrong. Yeah. And then you say, okay, Uncle Alan, sorry. I know I just gave you some horrible news about your mother. Yeah. Rewind.

Bring it back. She's fine. Oh, geez. Okay. Well, I have one more. Okay. This is a five-star review, another redemption. And I'm not going to read these, but it started with a couple reviews one in march of 2014 one in june of 2014 both of them five stars

to this place uh it's called the admiral it's in chicago the admiral at the lake excuse me uh and the first two reviews very glowing very positive just saying my mom's doing great update my mom's doing great she loves it here. The care is wonderful. And who's this by? This is by Daniel. I thought it was Esther. No, I know. I'm saving Esther, please.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay, so this is a five-star review by Daniel. A long overdue update. Mom lived at the Admiral for about ten months before she became ill. She was hospitalized, and it looked like she would pass away at the hospital. Mom wanted more than anything to get back to the Admiral so she could be near her friends and with staff who knew her. I got her out of the hospital against doctor's advice and took her back to the Admiral where she wanted to be.

She went back to the nursing care portion of the facility and was greeted by nursing staff who knew her. Her friends got to visit her. I could bring personal things from her apartment to her room. She passed away after a few days where she wanted to be. If I had to do it over, I'd definitely do it again. Just the same. End of review. Oh my goodness.

She was 93. No, no, 96. Oh my gosh. Wow. Sorry, in 2014, she was at 93. And 2017 is when this review was written. Wow. Honestly, that's so reassuring to me because I feel like growing old sounds so scary, and

we have such a feeble system set up for caring for older folks that it's scary to think going to a quote-unquote nursing home always has such a bad sound to it, but I like hearing good stories of people who actually make friends and yeah like want to be there and also in media it's very yeah it's like a very negative bad rap yeah thing for sure to be sent to sent to a nursing home kind of thing out of sight out of mind type thing yeah no you're totally right it gets a bad rap so that's always very comforting and i will say even though i read some sad ones, I read a lot of positive reviews. A lot of people were willing to give five stars to these places, either for themselves

or their loved ones. Well, good, because I actually do have a redemption where I put question marks at the end of it. So not quite. But I found this one. This is of a place called Christian Village at Mason. And this is in Mason, Ohio. Oh, not quite. But I found this one. This is of a place called Christian Village at Mason. And this is in Mason, Ohio. Oh, my. That's so perfect for you.

It's so much closer than Portland. Why are you going there? Can you imagine, you guys? I'm going to get old. And Alexander, even though he's two years younger than me, is going to be like my caretaker. And I'm going to be like, are you sending me to Portland? And you're going to be like, yup. Drive me up to Mason, Ohio.

I'll blindfold you. Drive me up to Mason. We'll blindfold you. Drive me up to Mason. We're in Portland now, dear. Look around at your new family and friends. Well, based on this review, I think I am signed up and ready to go. Okay, five stars by Scrimp G. Scrimp G? Yeah.

As far as retirement homes go, I was impressed with the quantity of vultures present it's refreshing to see such a symbolic bird so aptly perched and waiting to spring into action end of review oh there is a what photograph of this i thought this was a joke yes i know and this is a photograph of christian village at mason with a vulture perched directly at the top of the roof that's pretty funny and so and this person has written like tons of all the i looked through every single review or not every but i scanned through them and they were all standard normal reviews so they must have gone and just seen that and then left kind of a jokey review but like there's a photo of a giant ass vulture on top of this nursing home it's very creepy scare me and the uh the the caption says here let me send you a

photo of this the caption says vulture ready to assist as needed disturbing oh my god do you see that i do jesus and that is the actual building so So, you know. Hey, okay. For what it's worth, there's birds of prey just kind of hovering about. I understand the question marks now. Yeah, I was like five stars? Question mark? And so that was all you had, right? Yep. Because all I have left here are a couple names of places I've discovered that I thought

worked. He says he loves it so much he hurls his computer across the room i tried to balance it on my knees it did not work thank god you were not the one recording because that would have been bad news so this little game it's not really a game but this little listicle came about because while i was looking at the mason ohio christian village nursing home i found one nearby in related category called twin towers retirement facility and i thought interesting oof that uh that's also a local spot here in cincinnati twin towers i thought maybe we could have rebranded but i guess not um so there's twin towers and then of course i you, started googling for any sort of Reddit threads or listicles. And I found a couple on Reddit. So there's one called Still Hopes Episcopal Retirement Community. There's an Alzheimer's facility called Forever Young, which is like a little bit.

Yikes. which is like a little bit yikes. And the guy who posted about it said, yeah, the joke in town was always like, do you know why they call it that? Cause they don't realize they're not or something, you know, something like kind of derogatory about not kind of very derogatory about

folks with Alzheimer's. There was a dementia senior living home called in Jamestown, New York called memory garden, which is like, wow, I feel like they're all just kind of rubbing it in yeah what the heck um and then in our jamestown what we've been to james we have christina yes oh that's where jamestown community college is christina okay anyway sorry uh yeah we've definitely been there well i don't remember but that's kind of the irony of it sparked something in my mind

i kind of don't remember whether we went to memory garden or not but i guess that's kind of the point it's the last one that i really found because most of the lists were people saying like hook let's come up with fake names for retirement communities that are really honest and it's like but they actually just were being annoying just being like kind of cringy dad jokes um so yeah those are the ones i found i think honestly i think twin towers might be the it's a choice my least favorite it's a choice it's a choice to not rebrand you know um so that was uh that was it that's all i got nice do you remember what my challenge was it was to find reviews where it was by kirsten or kirsten

we don't remember how to say it or we don't know how to say it and it was to find reviews where somebody mentions a person's name without explaining who they are as if they're just telling a story yep perfect like bob liked the sushi or didn't like the sushi yeah and it was at first very difficult well that's what i was worried about no i know but it was only at first because at first well i have like four reviews so um i found some good but it was very difficult to find the right search terms so yeah and then i started throwing random names in like gary had the just to see if someone would say Gary had the. The clam volcano. It turns out a lot of people were saying my husband, Gary, had the.

So everyone was explaining who they were, but not actually everybody. This first one, I'm not even going to read the whole thing. It's quite long. It feels like someone's telling a story. So it fits. This is of Waterloo and City. This is in Culver City, California. This is a four-star review by Esther. What?

I was waiting for Esther. What do you mean? This is just who this person is. Yeah, yeah, I know. It's Esther L. Probably Esther Linnis. I mean, that's the most common combo. That would make sense.

Yeah. Here's the review. I came here with Dan, Elle, and Tyler for a midweek happy hour treat on Tuesday. Waterloo and City at any other time would easily be a $3 sign establishment, with some dishes cashing in at over $20. But they have some very fair happy hour pricing between 5 and 7 p.m. on weekdays. Traffic was a battle from both Beverly Hills and east of downtown respectively. But we made it just before 7pm and were able to take advantage of the $9 fish and chips, $5 sticky toffee pudding specials.

They market themselves as a British gastropub. Besides the name and the fact that they serve some British themed dishesemed dishes, I wouldn't necessarily classify it as British, though. Their menu served many different things, pizza, chorizo, etc., many of which I wouldn't consider British. Waterloo and City offers valet parking, but if you look hard enough, you can find street parking on the nearby residential streets. Exterior makes it look like a very classy joint, and while the interior is also very impressive, it also has an air of more casualness around it. I felt fine in a nice t-shirt and jeans. The staff was very friendly and very prompt. Our water glasses were never more than one quarter empty, and the busboy must have visited the table at least four times to refill our glasses.

D.L. and I both had, for the record, that's Dan L., not deer something. Wait, wait, wait. Sorry. D. L, and I both had, for the record, that's Dan L, not deer something. Wait, wait, wait. Sorry. D, L, and I. But they wrote D period, L period. Because Dan was too long. Yes, so they wrote D dot L dot. Got it, got it, got it, got it. D, L, and I both had the fish and chips.

The presentation was wonderful. However, the fish was rather cylindrical looking. It looked kind of weird. The taste was good slash fine. However, the fish was rather cylindrical looking. It looked kind of weird. The taste was good slash fine. However, I am personally very glad that I paid the happy hour pricing for the dish and not the full-blown price. Tyler had the chorizo pizza, which he wolfed down. You know Tyler. You know how he is.

I was able to grab a tiny bit, and I enjoyed it. Once again, the presence of the pizza was stellar. Although DL doesn't drink, Tyler and i decided to try some liberations that okay tyler had the dark and stormy and also the cutlass supreme i am not reading these ingredients there's so many oh my god have you had a dark and stormy rum ginger beer and candy ginger according to this one it's a lot of ginger i love rum It made my tummy. I like ginger. I don't like ginger, and I didn't love it.

Really? You don't? No, I don't. I feel like I'd like this. The Cutlass Supreme was very, very, very strong and worth the price tag. The Darkened Storm was also very enjoyable. The ginger really stood out. I had a drink whose name was escaping me, but it had an Italian liquor in it and was very nice. The highlight of the evening was 1000% the sticky toffee pudding. Happy hour serving was perfect to

share. However, I didn't want to. And the sweetness of the toffee and coolness of the vanilla ice cream was a wonderful combination of amazingness. On Sundays and Mondays, happy hour is extended to 11pm. i would recommend visiting during this time end of review wow that just kept going it was okay was that an abridged version yes i skipped some sentences wow and parentheses and a paragraph so but that's the thing is that's what like yelp elites that's this is a yelp oh yeah that's what like Yelp elites. That's this is a Yelp elite. Oh, yeah. That's what they do. Think about Fox. Sometimes we'll throw in a poem.

You know, and this is very informative, very detailed, very specific. How did you find this? Because it just said like Dan, Elle and Tyler and I. I use I use the. Do you say Tyler and I? No, no, no. Oh, I think I maybe I did do Tyler. Tyler had the maybe either that or had the.

Right. OK. maybe i did do tyler tyler had the maybe either that or had the right okay and this was this was maybe the 50th review not even exaggerating wow i mean it is exactly on point of telling a story like you're supposed to know who dan l also it's just like cherry on top that they condense dan l to deal like as if you can't just say dan i don't know also i love that he has this person has to specify which dan yeah you know well what made what it made me realize is this reviewer probably mentions these people all the time well remember that and they might also have left reviews sandy you should have checked on fox because fox always talks about what's her name bunny or something i think something like that. And he always just says, Bunny and I went here. Yeah.

He could have used his reviews too, probably. Because you're right, they create characters in this whole world. Exactly. They don't create the characters. I sure hope not. You're right. This is not like, some people do do creative writing. You know what?

I just scrolled a little bit. Guess what? What? Dan L. also wrote a review. That explains it. Another Yelp elite. Wow. Another Yelp elite. Wow. Another Yelp elite.

And even talked about the cylindrical shape of the fish. That's hilarious. These folks are hysterical. But that's the thing, though. Dan did not mention anyone else. Maybe. So what I'm thinking is maybe Dan and Tyler wrote their reviews first. And then this was a way of being like oh i was

with these two so check maybe check out their reviews for their own their experience because you can't really tag someone within the review or maybe being like well i was there too guys yeah maybe maybe i was there i was like dan's like tyler and i had a great time i think he did and then this guy what's this person's name? Did we come up with a name? I didn't come up with it. It's Esther Linnis. I'm sorry. Esther Linnis was like, excuse me, I was there too.

Remember our joke, our inside joke about the cylindrical fish guys, remember? Yeah, who came up with that first? DL is so good. But that led me to what ended up working the best just finding yelp elite people and reading their reviews how interesting um although not everyone was i think i would what i would do is i'd it was a crapshoot no matter what it was a crapshoot so what i did was i also would go to yelp elites see what they review and just scroll quickly to see if any names popped up. I went through or at least scanned so many. Damn, it was a lot but it was fine. I was on a seven hour car ride in the backseat. I'm glad you don't get carsick. I do not. So especially

reading about cylindrical fish. True. True. True. I'm carsick. My next one, this is by Kevin. This is of Malbec Argentinian cuisine. This is in Pasadena, California. Five stars. Last night, Courtney and I tried out Malbec, a great little Argentinian place in Pasadena on Green Street. We'd just been to Argentina in December, and we still had the lingering of the great Malbec wines, steaks, and other delights in our mouths on in our minds when we decided to visit this place.

And I can honestly say that this place is as close to authentic Argentine cuisine as you'll find anywhere in Los Angeles, except for Carlitos Gardel on Melrose. What was particularly impressive was a friendly service. We ordered an appetizer that wasn't on the menu, and the waiter eagerly asked the chefs to prepare it for us, as it's only served as a special on certain days. I had the skirt steak, which was so tender that you would never consider this the inferior cut of beef, and Cort had the Sorrentinos, which are an Argentine dumpling or ravioli. We tried the empanadas, delicious, and a bottle of the Navarro Correas Malbec 2008.

We also had coffee and an amazing dessert with quince paste and cream cheese in a perfectly baked crust that we fell in love with. All in all, our bill was less than $100, and we were stuffed. The only difference between this place and any in Argentina is that in Buenos Aires, the place would be empty at 8.30 and would just start filling up for dinner at 9 p.m end of review you know you know how they

do this is exactly how i envisioned someone coming back from a vacation and saying oh court and i we had the best oh we had the you remember the quince paste oh boy it's like honey start the slideshow honey start the slideshow go back go back yeah did did they say court at the beginning or do they know courtney they keep abbreviating and then they changed it to court you know courtney as as if now we're all very acquainted acquainted with uh one another this honestly like i thought oh the confusion on my end would be like i don't know these people. But I didn't know half of these terms. Quince Paste?

What's that again? I just felt like I was totally in over my head with that review. I zoned out and just read the words in front of me one at a time. It felt like someone was just rattling off their vacation story to me. That's kind of the idea, I think. Yeah, that was pretty good. Court had the Sorrentino. Oh, my God.

You know how that is. Wow. My next one is of Overboard Designs. It's an interior design company in Beaufort, Georgia. Oh. This is by Adrienne. Gary and I would recommend Overboard Designs to anyone looking to upgrade your seating for your boat. They provided a great service to us and really understood our wants and needs.

Once their work was completed, some people thought we had purchased a new boat. Workmanship and materials are quality, and the colors match the boat beautifully. We recently also had the sun pad and cooler completed to match our seating. And wow, thanks so much! End of review gary and i and i would go into their reviews this person had four reviews and only mentioned gary in this one so then i was thinking maybe what it was was gary's name was on the invoice or gary's was the one who talked but um to reference adrian here has is the one with the yelp account sure so to be like hey

if you're wondering who i am gary is the customer but you dealt i'm adrian of gary and adrian yes exactly so i feel like a lot of people had a reason it just wasn't clear they had but they had a reason for including a name yeah i'm sure they had a reason in their own mind yeah i'm sure i think most of these yelpers have a reason for whatever they do true true um wow gary and i loved the new boat that's really beautiful all have been very positive it seems people aren't including their friends and families names unless they're saying good things the only one that i remember that i i'm sure we'd have a hard time finding was the one about, I think it was golden corral where it was like Tim and his church group, or there wasn't enough room for Tim to sit here.

Oh my gosh. That's right. Tim left a review. That's right. I forget where that would have been buried, but, um, that's a good one.

That's the only negative one where I just felt sad for Tim. I do like when they name drop people, just, it's just ridiculous. Ouch, man. Sometimes even with a little. So of my husband, it gets so weirdly specific. You don't need to tell us that. My last one.

This is of Don Eicher. Eicher? E-I-C-H-E-R. Photographer? Photography? Well, I had an orthodontist named Eichel. True. I did too. So E too so i think it's eicher um this is in uh kailua kona hawaii this is a five-star review by desmond christine this is my last one did i say that sorry whoa christine did i say this was my last one

did i uh yes you did okay and you did now four times okay well christine and i decided to elope and get married in hawaii we didn't have much time to plan but we made it happen we needed someone to capture our special day i first looked on yelp for wedding photographers. Dawn came up as one of the top five photographers in Kailua, Kona. And Christine said she had an orthodontist named Michael. So she felt like this was probably a good fit.

After reading the reviews and going through her portfolio, we decided we needed to have Dawn as our photographer. Christine and I were ecstatic Dawn would be available for our special day on such short notice. She was very responsive and listened to our needs. Dawn was also recommended to us by our wedding planner, Maggie. The day of the wedding, Dawn knocked on our hotel room door with a huge smile.

She's super approachable and most of all, funny. You can tell Dawn is extremely passionate about capturing that special moment. And it shows in almost every picture she takes. When Dawn showed us the completed photos, Christine and I were extremely happy. Dawn exceeded our expectations. If you're looking for an awesome, talented, funny, and outgoing photographer,

look no further. You won't be disappointed. Gorgeous photos, by the way. Wow, I wasn't, and now I think I might be Look no further. You won't be disappointed. Gorgeous photos, by the way. Wow. I wasn't. And now I think I might be looking for a hilarious, talented photographer. Right. I mean, I've never really wanted to elope before.

But now that my name has been put in this kind of narrative, I'm sort of into it. You gotta be. You gotta be. Kind of into it, to be honest. Yeah. Wow. That was my last one. I just uh did you search for christine and i yeah that's hysterical i did for like all of our names too like anyone i could think of

that's so smart alexander it was tough but this one came through and i like this one i mean for lots of reasons but they kept using her name which i like i don't know i like to use people's names too because it helps me remember them yeah but i love how this person used names as much as possible instead of just saying we or she every time Dawn and Christine like mentioned yeah it was constantly like Dawn Christine our wedding planner Maggie Christine Maggie Dawn wow well very wholesome and it was wholesome and interestingly enough um I actually have a name challenge coming up next that you gave me. You sure do. So it was to find, well, I guess we'll record it next, but it was to find places where the person reviewing said, oh, I have the same name as this location.

So I did also a lot of like, my name is blank or, you know, oh my gosh, I did a lot of those kind of creative workaround searches. So we'll have more of this nonsense pretty soon. I can't wait. And the next theme is what? Uselesswish.com products. I'm ready for that. Oh, it's going to be interesting. Okay, well, we'll see you guys very soon.

Bye-bye.