Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 197: Reviews of Board Games

Episode Date: September 7, 2022

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Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Alright, we're on episode three. The sun is still out. Leona's not even in bed yet somehow. Doing great. We are hopefully not jinxing ourselves here with this, but we are on episode three of our marathon. So today, now we're doing board games. Alexander seems very excited about this theme.

I really am. Oh boy. Board games, just because I love board games. I play a lot of board games. Yeah, we're a big board game family. I know Em has had some problems with that because m is famously very anti-board games and anti-reading books and anti all the things that i love about life um but leona wow that's pretty harsh that is i think leona and geo are the two venn diagrams

where we overlap nothing else um but yeah we grew up playing a lot of board games alexander collects quite a few board games it's a pro it's become a problem yeah it's become quite a quite a many i haven't played yet i've also discovered uh our board i think it's board game circle jerk so it's like a satirical sub about board games and it's painful to read sometimes is it like kind of putting a mirror up to yourself in only in very mostly no yeah i'm i'd like to think i'm a very uh i'm not a gatekeepy no i don't think you are and i think that's always m's fear about board games it's like oh well everyone's gonna be so competitive and so and i'm like we're not we just like to play them yeah you know i am a big stickler for the rules my friends know that and are annoyed at me for that, I'm sure, many times. But I'm a big, like, if the game says no talking, there's no talking about anything. It does cause tension. And it has when people are new to the group and are kind of foregoing the rules.

And then I'm always kind of in between like, it's okay. But also then I'm getting stressed out. Anyway, we love games. I hosted one board game night here. That was fun. I was very pregnant. And I think I should start doing it again now that I can drink beer with everyone else. Because I feel like I was really not in a great headspace.

But we should do more board games oh wait no the last one i was gonna say i did not think that was that long ago i drank quite a bit at that one yeah i that's what i remember i forgot i did one for my birthday yeah yeah okay we should do them more that makes more sense i thought wow this year really is a blur um yeah no that was for my birthday that was fun we played mafia and stuff okay anyway so mine's a game basically everything how meta the game about games yes exactly so i have reviews of board games and you're gonna have to guess what board game it is and each one um has at least two different reviews uh and each one is a game that you

at least know or have played. Yeah, you've played all of these. Okay, cool. So I guess I'll go first. I'm so excited. I'll let you guess after each one. Each review. Okay. And I think it gets easier as it goes.

Oh, okay. If that makes sense. Here we go. Here's a one-star review. This is out of 10 also from BoardGameGeek. Here's a one-star review. All it takes is for one person to forget to do something and the game is ruined for everyone. End of review. Hmm.

Can I say something? You can. You're allowed to. I may have read that one really uh-oh do you want me to read the next one then yeah okay this one gives a little bit more information is this one star too well also one star as bad as the original game but with the annoying simpsons theme to boot so sorry uh just to clarify you can review the original game, but you mentioned what version you have of it. It might be different. This is not what I thought.

Okay. I'm asking you for the original game, not the Simpsons version. Got it. As bad as the original game, but with the Annoying Simpsons theme to boot, presumably fans of the TV show will appreciate references made in the game. But to me, they made no sense. Death by saxophone and the review oh my god so it's got to be clue yeah yeah okay so all okay all it takes is for one person to mess something up right like forget to give a card that they had that makes i don't

know why i thought i had read that maybe it's probably relevant in so many games which is why it was more of a vague one. Oh, that was good. Wow. I was nervous that it was something I had had. So I, Alexander, went a fun way. And I picked out, at least I thought it was fun. I picked out quite a few games that are part of our lore and our history. So did I.

Maybe. Potentially. You did. The first game I have is something called the art game you found it okay i don't know if you actually found the right one oh i did okay you're sure of it because i've tried finding it i don't know if i did find it yeah that looks right that's it my eyes aren't good the prestel art game it is a very hard to find because it's not a common game um let me go to board game geek don't look it up yet

i'm not looking on board game geek uh how many out of 10 do you think the average rating is of this it has 10 ratings i'm trying to 16 ratings out of my 16 ratings yeah okay trying to my nostalgia uh i know aside i'll give it a 4. 5.4. 5.4, okay. So this isn't even that funny of a review, but I just had to include it because I was so proud that I found the game. That is impressive. Yeah, thank you. It's a seven-star review, and it says, only for real art lovers.

Yep. So I guess that's what we were back in the day. I guess so. Is that what you describe us as back then? Man, we used to play this game a lot. And it was one of the only ones we all agreed on. I loved that game. I don't know why, but we had so much fun with it. I feel this is true of so many games now where if I played it, I would feel very not good. We'd be like, that's it. Yeah, I feel very not good we'd be like that's it yeah i feel very not good about it i mean it's basically art history trivia yeah which is like not something we're especially known for yeah but yeah i think there were a couple categories that were sort of like pictionary and like had fun

interactive mini games and they had actual art printed on the cards i think yeah maybe guess the artist or something. I don't know. So anyway, so there's the art game. But yes, it did take me a while to find it. Yeah. I had to go deep in the Google archives because it's a very- That's impressive. That's impressive. They're selling a new version of it for like 90 bucks or something on eBay.

Yeah. Oh my gosh. Yeah. All right. My next one, here's the first review I'll give you it's a two-star review a two-player game advertised as a five-player game cool idea just does not work in my mind i never want to see the box art for this game again much less waste another hour of my life playing this trash and a review oh okay a two a two-person game disguised as a five-person game?

So it's marketed as a five- I see. That five players can play, but they consider it more of a two-person game. Hungry, hungry hippos? No. I guess that's probably four. That's kind of funny. That's my guess.

I don't know. Okay, okay. Next review. One star. I loathe hidden movement games. There's nothing more frustrating than chasing the perpetrator around, only for them to escape to the other side of the board. This is not tense and thrilling chase. It is a tedious and frustrating exercise in wasting my time.

End of review. Whoa, I was really thinking Twister, and then I got turned around. Chasing to the other side of the board. I was like, wait, things got weird. Do I know this game? Do I know what it's called off the top of my head? Yep. Scotland Yard.

Yes. Oh, my God. I love that game. People are ragging their brain, and I picked the one that's from our childhood. So other people are like, what the fuck is that, maybe? game ck sent me i know we still haven't played i know we got to do it i i read a lot of negative reviews so now i'm like maybe i won't like it like i thought what's the rating on board game geek oh i would i don't remember it very well but i would guess it's at like a 6.4 okay that'd be pretty solid i think um because there are different

versions of it oh no it's 6.5 jesus christina wow that was impressive i've yeah i've read a lot of board game that's in 19 oh my god how many versions are there i don't know only one in my book okay it's 6.5 basically it looks like they're all about 6.5. I didn't think of doing Scotland Yard. That's fun. Oh, wait. No, the other one I'm thinking of. I was picturing the other one.

Huh? Alexander, what's the other one we played? The Cafe. Cafe International. Yes. Which had very offensive characters. Yes. Yeah.

And I just didn't realize how offensive it was until I was older. Yes. that's the other one i was trying to think of okay um that was i love the concept of that game that was a lot of fun i remember it being a really fun game but yes it's troubling uh some problematic stuff it's like characters of different people from different ethnicities yeah and it's bad i don't think i really even i mean like i obviously know that but i don't think i ever really thought it through until now yikes yeah if you Yeah. And it's bad. I don't think I really even, I mean, like, I obviously know that, but I don't think I ever really thought it through until now. Yikes. Yeah. If you look at it, it's not good.

Uh-oh. So maybe there's an updated version. I think there is, actually. I sure hope so. Oh, Kohl's sells one. Oh. Oh, God. Oh, my gosh.

Yeah. No, it's terrible. It's terrible. Okay. Anyway, here is the final one i have of scotland yard okay okay here's a two-star review um and now i can tell people the premise of the game is one person is hidden and they're moving around um was it london or whatever um yeah i think it takes place in lond Okay, yeah.

Because that's where Scotland Yard is, right? Yeah. Could be wrong. Anyway, so you go around like through the, like use the tube or whatever to get around. Right. And then the other players are trying to track you down by your movements and catch you before the game ends. Yeah. So here's a two-star review.

My husband found this for a dollar at a thrift store. I've only played it once, but I'm pretty sure he wasted his dollar. I think I actually hate this game. And I don't usually hate many games. It felt a lot like a game of, crap, you've lost your keys in London. They could be on a bus or in a taxi or on the subway. Now go find them. I hate losing my keys.

End of review. Wow. So this was a personal trigger for this person. Yes, yes. I've lost my keys, aka a fugitive in the streets of London. Okay, sure. Damn. I kind of want to play that again. All right.

So the next one I have is a review of Splash, the card game of fast action and fast fun. Sounds good. Okay. This is a review or a game we played a lot growing up. It's like Spoons, but with dolphins. All right. So this is a one- star review on Amazon verified purchase. The title is completely confusing directions.

We got this as a gift for our six year old granddaughter. We found it to be mindless and confusing. And the dog wound up chewing the cheap plastic dolphins, which were cute. Very frustrating. Or perhaps we just don't value a game. We're grabbing the dolphins as the way one wins. End of review. What else is

throwing the dolphin i don't know what's better uh giving them more rights as marine animals i don't know shoving them down your dog's throat yeah i don't know i feel like that's what they did i'm just being dramatic this is misguided i think anger understand where the anger is they're very cute dolphins okay so what's the problem i think they're saying oh well you shouldn't be grabbing dolphins that's really amazing goodness it sounded like that's where what it came across to me genuinely what they're saying because they're annoyed that the game was confusing and so their reaction is well leave it to a game where we have to grab manhandle these dolphins i feel this game is not confusing it seems fairly basic it's incredibly basic we played it a lot as children because we played it a lot of children so maybe

it's just we've done it a lot so now we know a lot of people were not happy about like the fast paced nature i mean it's like spoons it is yeah which is a fun game but also very stressful it can be stressful yeah um here's my next one this is a seven star so this is a positive review of the game let's see if you can figure out what it is okay this is essentially the game spoons i guess it's safer than using metal spoons uh it's built as a kid's game but it's every bit as ruthless as the original end of review that was literally my next one that's so funny uh i cut out the part where they say uh it's essentially the game spoons except with squishy squeaky dolphins instead of spoons it's really the best way to describe it is really fun i had a feeling you had splash because i was like oh this is a splash and

you were like okay okay i've heard of that one. Interesting. This one is of Legretto. Nice, I didn't think of that. Which is a game, that was the only game our mom played, because she just didn't. She literally didn't want to play games, and so Legretto was the only one where we could convince her to play with us. Now the only one she plays is... Oh, Telestrations. Telestrations. She likes that.

She really likes Telestrations. Yeah, but Legretto is, I don't know how you describe it, a solitaire style? Oh, Telestrations. Telestrations. She likes that. She really likes Telestrations. But Legretto is a... I don't know how you describe it. A solitaire style? I would describe it as, in this real-time free-for-all, be the one who plays the most cards. So it's basically like a number... That was a terrible description. Thank you.

That's what they told me. I know. This is... What do you think it has on Board Game Geek while we're coming up with a... Probably a 6. 6.2. It's a solid game. Nice job.

It's just for what it is, yeah. Yeah, so this is definitely like a newer, like a bigger box set, which we just have the cards. But now Leona plays, and by plays I mean she just spreads the cards all over the floor and screams. Okay. She's pretty good at it. She does play the most cards, and I guess that makes her the winner. She's the winner in my eyes. Yeah.

So it's basically, I don't know. Yeah. It's just numbers and colors, and you match them up, and it's a speed game. So this is a one-star review by Smoots of Onboard Game Geek. So one out of ten. Gives obnoxious behavior an outlet to heat more stress on top of our busy lives. End of review.

It's not attacking. You don't have to play it. It's not about you. You don't have to play it. Take it so personally. I love that. When someone gets so offended by a game's premise. Yeah.

As if it's an attack on their life. Don't you know what i'm going through i'm just too shocked i'm shocked too and like i mean it says they own this collection so this game so i'm like okay then just donate it someone else might have fun oh my gosh that's wild yeah and i guess it can be obnoxious because you're like slamming the cards down but it's not really yeah that obnoxious of a game i don't think but anyway weird weird weird weird here come the carrots making their way up field followed by the whole wheat bread

over to the two dozen eggs sir do you do this every time sorry i've been a little excited ever since i got this bemo toronto fback mastercard. Oh, and the broccoli boots it over the line. What a goal. How would you like to pay, sir? Credit, please. Make every purchase a win with the BMO Toronto FC cashback mastercard with up to 5% cashback on your purchases in your first three months. Terms and conditions apply. In today's economy, saving money is like an extreme sport. Coupon clipping. Robo code searching. It takes skill, speed, sweat.

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My next one, I've got three reviews, but I'll let you guess after each one. The first is One Star. This game pairs actively unpleasant with unbearably long. Risk? Nope. Okay. Good guess, I guess. Yeah, I feel like that might, some people might fit.

Here's a second. In addition to poor game design, I think this game conveys several shitty messages to children. Trouble? No. One more. This is the final one. another one star far too complex for how heavily reliant on luck it is setup is stupidly long too all the pointless plastic bits and nope no i'll let you get one out you gotta now finish let Nice try. Damn. All the pointless plastic bits and stickers.

This is likely the single worst classic board game out there. End of review. Oh, the Game of Life. That was a good note. As I was reading that, I was like, oh. I thought Mousetrap before you even got to plastic bits, which is why I wanted to say it. Because I was like, oh, the setup. I'm thinking Mousetrap.

Exactly. The Game of Life. Yes, of course why I wanted to say it because I was like, oh, the setup. I'm thinking mousetrap. Exactly. The game of life. Yes, of course. We used to play. Francisca always wanted to play this game. That almost ruined it for me. Drove us crazy. If she asked me to play it again, I'd probably do it because I really like that game.

It's fun. We just played it so often at that point that it got to be unbearable. Yeah. Same with the Pokemon game. That one drove me crazy. Oh, not the Pokemon game. Wow. And then we found out on eBay it's like $250.

Yeah, it's like a collector's item to some people. Probably not the quality that we have. No, I was like, we've played it too often to make any money off it. I'm going to read a couple other reviews of life that would have given it away, but I think are funny. So here's a one star. Thanks for reminding me that life sucks. End of review. It is kind of depressing and then at the

end you die or you retire but it feels kind of like you're sent out to pasture you give everything away i've read a lot of these reviews and i thought yep okay not the worst point in the world yeah it's a little dark i can't say i disagree uh here's the last one of life if real life was this boring i would go forth and vanish in the woods and whoa whoa go forth and vanish go forth and vanish in the woods someone was like came straight from bible study to write that review i was gonna say uh i feel like it's sounds very biblical to me it's not that boring because you're literally winning the lottery, going on a cruise, making TV appearances. Yeah, there's a lot of stuff going on.

Sometimes your house floods. You can have up to eight babies. I have accomplished more in the game of life than actual life. Oh, by far. For sure. By far. Yeah. Wow, thanks a lot for reminding me.

Game of life. Okay. This is another review of the game Legretto, this card game. So one star review by Hero164. This game cost me a living room table and a friendship. End of review. It gets pretty quick. That's kind of why I snuck in the slamming the cards down.

Yeah, but I feel this game isn't that aggressive, right? I don't think so. I mean, it's been years since I've played, but I feel like we got, you and I and certain family members got into a lot of fights over board games, and I don't think Lugretto was one of them. I don't think so either. So I'm not sure what happened here. I'm kind of surprised by that review.

Yeah. Some people were not happy about it. I'm kind of surprised by that review. Yeah. Some people were not happy about it. I have one more game. Oh, good. Okay. So, and I believe I have two reviews of it. First one, one star. Unless the alternative game is to poke yourself in the eye with a fork, play something else. Oh my god. Oh, I'm guessing. Yeah, yeah. Sorry. I'm like, it doesn't even matter.

That's just a wild review. Unless, can you say it again? I'm sorry. Unless the alternative game is to poke yourself in the eye with a fork, play something else. Okay, what about... What game, I'm not saying this is specific to you, but what game could someone hate so much they'd rather stab themselves in the head?

Settlers of Catan. No. Okay. Not a bad guess. Monopoly. Sorry, I'm not supposed to give more guesses. Here's your second review. One star.

It's quite possibly the worst game of all time that isn't broken a tedious wank fest which is simultaneously boring and mean end of review oh could it be monopoly it is monopoly yeah it is monopoly talk about a contentious board game yeah okay so i read a lot of monopoly reviews that were surprisingly interesting because they talked a lot about how supposedly originally Monopoly wasn't meant to be a board game as in like what it is now. It was more of a critique of capitalism. Is that true? I don't know.

But should I have done my research? Maybe. I didn't have time in the car. It's not that kind of podcast. No, come on. Yeah, I'm sure there are podcasts about the board game Monopoly. Just go search that after this is done, because you will not want to miss my challenge. accuse Monopoly of being a reason why board games aren't more popular than they are. Oh, you know what? Because a lot of people grew up playing Monopoly thinking that's what board games are, and Monopoly is notorious for being not fun.

Not fun. And not good. And long. And that's why there's so many house rules, because people didn't like the original rules. So now Monopoly's rules are just completely differently played. But if you play it the original way, it's so freaking boring. So now Monopoly's rules are just completely differently played. But if you play it the original way, it's so freaking boring. It goes quicker, but it's still boring and it's not fun.

And it's mean. It can be very mean. It can be very mean. And people cheat, tend to cheat in Monopoly. I do like Monopoly Deal, though. I don't know if I have. There's a card version of it. Oh, I've never played that. It was surprisingly fun.

It was also very mean. Didn't we have a different Monopoly version, though, that was like less egregious i don't think so no i i someone oh with a digital one there's a digital one where you pay with credit cards that's right which is just it's fun only in the sake of you have like a little machine that does the math yeah which is kind of like that fun i'm sure they call it the millennial version or some bullshit uh but yeah i don't know i i never really loved monopoly every few years i give it a chance and i'm like d brought up a game um some now that you mentioned credit card uh there was a game that we didn't have that she and I think Christina and Kevin. So Christina, her sister, her boyfriend, Kevin, we all talked about it.

They all played it, I think. And it takes place in a mall. Yeah, I've heard of this. You have a credit card and you go shopping. And it sounded really fun. Mall Madness, I think, is what it was. I've heard of that, but I've never played it. It was like a Hasbro game.

And I feel like that would probably be a more enjoyable version of monopoly i like how we're like capitalism sucks but if i get to go to the mall to play a capitalistic board game if i get to buy a soft pretzel out of it i'm gonna go uh wow wow um i want to have another board game night and just play like retro games at At least it got me that one. Careers. Wait, well, wait, which one is that? It's called Careers. And she's like, we play, she used to play it when she was younger.

And you like, it's sort of like life, I think. But you have like a different career path. I don't know. I haven't played it. But she said you and I would get a kick out of it because it's like old school. So I imagine there's some. We played that MTV trivia game. I hated that.

Based on that MTV show, I forget. It was all 80s. 80s trivia. Related stuff and I did not know a thing. Boring to me. Yeah, if I can't win, I'm not interested. I just like don't. Well, yeah, actually, yeah.

That's pretty accurate summation. Okay, I have a redemption of Legretto because, you know, we love this game. Yeah, we need it. This is 10 star view from Marble911, who's from Vienna. This is 10 stars of Legretto. So addictive. Fun speed game if everyone's at a comparable level. So addictive.

Fun speed game if everyone's at a comparable level. No other speed game gives me quite the same rush of adrenaline and the same hunger for winning. Not fun for those who are slow and prefer thorough thinking to speed. End of review. I'm like, maybe I'm misremembering how aggressive this game is. I know. I'm confused now. We need to replay it. Maybe mom invented her own rules.

I don't know. I'm so surprised that people are treating this as if it's such an aggressive dramatic experience playing yeah i don't know maybe we should play it and see yeah or maybe not maybe we just avoid the conflict true but i guess it was it's kind of whenever you have a uh you have a game that's um where you're both trying to take the same cards yeah or you have this the same playing field in some ways i'm trying to remember exactly how the game works but so i guess it can get very personal but i don't know like splash when you're grabbing yeah you know manhandling the dolphins from the cards dolphins be wild and dolphins be wild and so you know

are you done is that your last one no okay wild and social. Are you done? Is that your last one? No. Okay. Cause I'm done. Oh, you are. Okay. Yeah. That Monopoly was my last one. I think I have one more game. This is, this was sent in by Katie in January of 2020. And it's a review of the game. Sorry. This is a one-star review. It's a verified purchase on Amazon by Red Herring. And the title is Wimp and Crybaby Edition. We bought this to replace our old Sorry game that was falling apart. I wish we had read the reviews first instead of assuming it was still the classic Sorry. It is definitely not. Differences. Game board design. Doesn't look as good, but it doesn't interfere with play.

Three pawns instead of four. Sorry cards can be used to move you forward four spaces. Can leave start on any forward moving card. The two card doesn't have you draw again. Honestly, if I had known those things, I would not have bought this game. One reviewer called it the millennial version, and I'm going to agree. The original game was an excellent tool for teaching kids to suck it up if things didn't go the way they wanted. Everyone else's pawns are out and yours are still in start because you haven't drawn a one or two?

Too bad! Your opponent drew a sorry card and sent you home? Deal with it! This new version is for wimps and crybabies. And why only three pawns? Cutting costs, most likely. Hasbro, you've mucked up a great game. I'll be looking for the real version and donating this one, though I might put a warning on the box.

End of review. My God. It's always the people who whine the most that accuse others of being crybabies. Also, who do you think is designing this game? Not millennials. That's a great point. Hello? Literally.

It's probably people in your... It's that same joke or whatever. I don't even know if it's a joke. Participation trophies. Participation trophies. Who's giving them out? Who do you think invented it? Yeah second graders yeah like that's your dumb parenting style to complain about if you're mad about it yeah it's just wild to me it's like

this does sound lame though and not like no i don't yeah not that sorry was the best game ever it's not even very original but i kind of liked it because you kind of had to i've never played with cards though i feel like was it not cards maybe it was cards i think it was i'm mixing up sorry and trouble i always mix up sorry and trouble oh shit but sorry yeah you have to pick a certain number to get got it out of the go thing i don't know why they would change it to like three pawns instead of four i feel like i always liked sorry yeah and as a millennial i gotta say i don't know why they would change it to like three pawns instead of four. I feel like I always liked Sorry. Yeah. And as a millennial, I got to say, I don't like these changes that they've made.

So as much as this guy's saying it's a millennial thing. You bought it. I know you didn't mean to, but you're the one who paid for it. It's a boomer thing. Oh, man. Oh, and then I have a four star review of it as well. Let's hear it. Verified purchase.

Definitely not the classic game with only three pawns each and cards instead of dice oh okay exeter maybe you're right okay i thought so i thought there were dice and sorry definitely not the classic game with only three pawns each and cards instead of dice but this version did go significantly faster than i recall from my childhood i bought this along with some other games for our bi-weekly game nights and was pretty disappointed when I opened the box, but it turned out pretty okay. It will be easier to play with younger kids or adults like my husband who have short attention spans. End of review.

I don't think I even meant to read this. I think I accidentally screenshot it. I'm not sure. I was like, it's nice. It gave us some context here because, yeah. Now we know more. Because like trouble. So Parcheesi, trouble, and sorry for some reason in my head are similar.

I thought they're all the same basically, but I don't think that's true. No, trouble, wait. Trouble is a thing in the middle, right? Or is that sorry? Trouble has the poppy dye thing. I don't know. I feel like they're very similar. They must be. Because i think with trouble you have to get a six to get out that's what it is there's so i was surprised here the one or the two maybe we played trouble and we thought it was so i bet there's i bet

there's a podcast about this uh out there about the difference between trombones. Honestly, if there's not... I wouldn't be surprised. Let's create one. I have one more and I'm sorry. Oh, okay. It's a redemption. A real redemption here. This came from an email from Morgan. She, her back in November of 2020. And it's not really of a board game. It's of Scrabble tiles that you can buy,

like individually Scrabble tiles, like a bag of them, usually for crafting. Yeah. So this is a five star review on Amazon. It's a verified purchase. And the title is Immature People Will Spell Bad Words. I bought these letters for my good for nothing sons to make homemade scrabble towel Christmas ornaments for their grandparents, friends and relatives. Instead of spelling words such as family or celebrate or Noel, they chose to spell out obscenities for which I choose not to spell out

and risk being censored here. Unfortunately, those meatheads went ahead and glued the scrabble tiles together, making several inappropriate ornaments, which obviously cannot be distributed to friends or relatives. These spawns of the devil took the time to decorate the ornaments, and I'll admit their finished products came out very nice regardless this stupid and expensive prank will cost them dearly the curse word ornaments will become personalized with the addition of both my son's names and will hang prominently on the family tree for years to come oh my goodness i love how the realization that bad words and good words use the same letters the same alphabet who would have thought you give two like boys or like kids or whoever a bunch of letters and say i force you to do this craft

i don't know what else you expected i think that was user error uh okay error is a strong word maybe but um or purchase error i don't think this is a the company's response or the person's or the salesperson's response or fault what am i saying responsibility responsibility that's the word uh yes i agree and and it was a five-star purchase so i think um oh they gave it five stars okay this is a redemption okay good got is a redemption. Okay, good. Got it. Yeah. Okay. I see.

Okay. That's all I've got for you. Time for my challenge. This was from Sonia. Yes. And it was, this is the best part of this episode. Oh. Not for you.

Oh. Uh, Sonia says, I came across these two reviews in which a Flamingo floaty was given different names by separate reviewers. And I thought it might be a fun challenge idea to find reviews in which the reviewer has named the product they purchased. Aha, yes. First, I'm going to read what the first one that Sonia sent in. It's a five-star review titled, So Much Fun of a Flamingo Floaty. Okay. Bought Fiona to combat quarantine craziness.

She's amazing. Only gave four stars because we thought the seat could be less shallow. They gave five stars, so I don't know why they said that. We had four adults on Fiona's back, and while there was plenty of room, we did have to space ourselves strategically

so we didn't all fall toward each other, but more air inside the bird may alleviate this. We also used a boat anchor to keep her from taking flight. It was a bit breezy when we inaugurated her, which could be disastrous if precautions aren't taken.

Overall, Fiona has definitely added some flair to our summer inaugurated her which could be disastrous if precautions aren't taken overall fiona has definitely added some flair to our summer fun you won't be disappointed sunglasses emoji flamingo emoji how cute i thought so too fiona flamingo i thought so too um so now we get to the next part okay Okay. And you doomed this episode. I know. I shouldn't have done it. You knew what Sonia said. I know what I did.

In parentheses. I know what I did. Sonia says, bonus points if it isn't a children's toy. Extra bonus points if it's a sex toy. The extra even had multiple capital Xs. It had three X's. Why did I think it was necessary to keep that in there? In a board game episode, I have to go for all the bonus points.

Thankfully, everyone names their sex toys. Fuck! It is a very, very common thing. Fuck! So now you all have a warning, okay? Oh, no. very common thing. Fuck.

So now you all have a warning, okay? Oh, no. People have asked for a, if there's an edited version of Beach Too Sandy that's less crude and people have asked for specific episodes to listen to that don't have as much cursing. Yeah, not like expecting it. Yeah, for when they listen with their kids. Oh, boy. I will just say this is not one of those episodes. This is expecting it. Yeah, for when they listen with their kids. Oh, boy. I will just say this is not one of those episodes. This is not it.

So just a warning. And neither is the Etsy one. True. Yeah. So if you're going backwards. And neither is the Wish one because you said. Oh, yeah, that too. Okay.

Yeah. Wait, why? Because I talked about my testicles? No, because you said I heart cum on a tank top no i know i just wanted an excuse to bring it up again i got it in all three you got it in all three this is very irritating okay here we go i didn't even realize because that's the least of your problems is me bringing my testicles that's a lot less like that doesn't make me feel any better i know it's not supposed to this is you think i enjoyed this yes my amazon is

fuck i mean it's been fucked i don't buy anything on there so it's fine but like i'm still logged in here we go this is a rose i don't know what's worse the uh fucking titles of these things or the reviews oh no that's a joke the reviews are much worse uh rose toy vibrator for women clitoral tongue licking toy mini small vibrators with seven modes and nine powerful vibration nipples clitorals stimulate god damn it clitorals stimulator for women tongue licker adult sex toys for couples tall stop alexander i have like five or six christina reviews total so here we go this one's titled i'm in love this is a long one that's bad five stars verified part these are all verified purchases by the way so this isn't just like children oh this one has a picture too oh god

the things like resting between their legs oh my, my God. It's a lot. It's a lot. 47 people found it helpful, though. Great. I'm just stalling. I don't want to read this. Okay. I will say, though, none of this, any reactions we have not come from a place of shaming.

No. Nothing like that. It's just we're siblings and I'm making this very uncomfortable on purpose. Everybody listening is making the same face as me right now, listening to you read this. This is terrible. Okay. Just wanted to give that little thing. Okay, here we go.

Because I'm stalling. Sitter, don't act like anyone made you do this. Christina, it says bonus points. You know how I am. I know. Sonia did too. Fuck. That's her fault.

Here we go. This is It's her fault. Here we go. This is the one to buy. I named him Bud because calling it Rose or Rosie just wasn't my thing. When I saw that Bud came in the mail, I couldn't get home from work fast enough. Poor Bud had absolutely no energy. I guess he just needed a little charge up since he took a very long trip to get to me. I gave him about 30 minutes to nap and get his energy back while I got in my bathtub and got all clean for Bud. I'm not going to lie.

I was craving Bud so much. I think he was craving me too since I didn't have to work at all to stimulate him. Oh my God. Winky face. He rose to the occasion very nicely and was so soft to the touch but so hard and firm. The tongue part was screaming at me to open up oh god who am i to argue with a tongue that is staring me in the face begging me to open up shrug emoji well bud didn't disappoint at all bud did his job i mean he was like a machine just ready to keep on going and going stop talking about it like it's not a machine it is

it's bud okay we're personalizing it we're making it i got my happy ending with bud within four seconds yes that's kind of humiliating face palm emoji little did i know that bud was just getting started oh my god winking emoji and knew my very well. Bud did give me three happy endings that first day. I have had Bud for about two months now and he definitely knows me inside and out. And he knows what he is doing very well. I get so many happy endings from Bud. Bud

definitely has a place in my life and in my bed until one of us is dead. Damn, I think I'm in love with Bud. No man will ever know me like Bud knows me best part about bud is that he never leaves his laundry on the floor anywhere he never leaves any messes anywhere well maybe a little mess tongue sticking out wink emoji he is always ready for me when i'm ready for him and if i'm not in the mood there is never any pressure from him like he just

understands me so well he is sterile no condoms needed he never talks back to me or argues with me he never cheats on me and i never have to wonder where he is he is the best ever in my opinion everyone needs a bud in their lives everyone end of review oh my god oh my god i don't even know what to say you don't have to say anything okay great because i'm just gonna not okay we're gonna move on to the next one this one's a little shorter don't worry um not in length but like physically if she said bud one more time i know there was a lot of see that one was perfect it's like why are you saying it so like that? I don't know. This next one is of 12 and a half by 2.3 inch huge dildos realistic crystal jelly dildo with strong suction cup hands free huge dong big size adult sex toy for women or men anal dildo. Wow.

Okay. Do you want to post this on instagram or no i like how they put the word realistic in between all those other adjectives like jelly and i don't know i don't know just throwing dong in there because in case someone's google or searching amazon for dong instead of dildo here's a five-star review titled things in my life are now changed oh boy there if I purchase at first I was like whoa this thing is

bigger than rebellious Ryan and thicker than John Holmes I'm gonna assume they're porn stars I did not look them up okay let's not let's not and say we did I thought my browsing history was it's already teetering on, yeah.

And I also was like, was I doing this on? I was doing this on my trip, this research. Oh, I see. I'm pretty sure. At your friend's house on their Wi-Fi. So probably wouldn't have been good. Cool. But I tried it, liked it, tried it some more, and then some more.

And I really like it or love it, I guess. And I notice I don't feel attracted to my hubby anymore. Whoa! We talk less and less, and he feels inferior to it, and I'm verbal when using it. And sometimes I can tell he's listening on the other side of the door crying, but I don't really care. I think I'm going to just ask him to leave. I realize I don't like him, and with this stud muffin, I can't possibly go back to getting aroused, but never enough to climax. Climax is easily attained with Rocky.

Hehe, that's what I named it. End of review. I figured that. Thank you for explaining. So the reason I repeated the fact that this was a verified purchase was because the story seems less than real but this person actually did buy it yeah great point um it seems far-fetched but also like not funny enough to be like super over the top exactly which always makes me nervous that this might be real yeah uh wow i mean i'm sad for that well Well, I guess not. I guess you found what...

The realization that was needed. You know what? You just weren't in a relationship that could sustain you. Yeah, and that's fine. But you realized that and recognized your needs and managed to hopefully communicate those needs. I'm glad you and Rocky are living life to the fullest now. Same, too. Same.

Same. Me, too. Same. Yes. Same here. Sorry. I just was opening up the next product. I didn't really think about having to read all this.

Oh, okay. I know. I didn't think. Well, it must be tough for you. So sorry. Well, this one is called Thrusting Machine machine gun realistic dildo for women with app control oh my highsmith pro traveler massager 2.0 portable sex machines hands-free dildo for women portables i remember i remember i don't know why i said i remember i certainly don't

remember can you imagine going through tsa and you're like oh sorry that's just my portable sex machine going off it comes with like a carrying case yeah and it is not small i wonder if in pre-check you have to take it out of the case or not probably not i don't think so they just see it they've probably seen wilder things they see it all i've seen they probably see so many demos every day um this one's 110 dollars so this one's a little bit uh more pricey than the other ones we've had here's a five star review titled almost like the real thing OMG I am so happy about this machine

it's portable and it comes with a case this is my new bestie the way it moves and thrusts it almost feels like the real thing for single ladies this is it I named it the Magic Stick, LOL, because it does magical things to my body and Nunu. I'm sweating.

I've never heard that one before. N-U-N-U. No. It's also a League of Legends character, so. Isn't that also the vacuum in Teletubbies? Yeah, but that's spelled Nunu N-O-O. Oh, well, that makes it completely different. That makes it different.

Don't worry. I'm sweating just thinking about it. It is worth every dime you're going to spend on it. I promise. End of review. That wasn't too bad. Oh, God. I had to use the word Nunu, though. I call it magic stick.

Here, let me explain why. Thanks. I think I get it. But okay. Sure. Tell me more. This next one is of the Aptitan. Swirl, glass, dildo, crystal, penis, G-spot, stimulator, anal plug, female masturbation.

This one's not realistic, though. All the other ones were like machine gun realistic. If you see this and you think it looks realistic, you need to go to the hospital and get yourself checked out because I don't think this is a normal shape. Is this on Amazon? It's like helical. It is. All of these are on Amazon. How much is this one?

Ten bucks. Oh, my God. Really? Jesus. Here we go. Five star review. I didn't really get this for me. I'd long given up on such devices by 35, but that loop gets caught in legs and takes it further than ever I've gotten without a second party. I've had it a while. It's easy to clean, gives a peek at what's going on inside. It's my all time favorite toy of its type. I named it my therapist. End of review.

toy of its type i named it my therapist end of review what if that's what i i had named something like this my therapist so every time i've talked about my therapist on this podcast that's what i was just thinking that i was like do you think that like her friends know when she's talking about going to see her therapist what she actually means because like i hope so really changes the context you know i hope so wow i miss fiona the flamingo i know i'll be honest with you i miss the good old days good old days uh this next one is a five-star review of tracy's dog i don't know why it's called tracy's dog tracy's dog couple vibrator waterproof sex toy kit tracy's dog it's currently unavailable so we don't know why it's called Tracy's Dog. Tracy's Dog Couple Vibrator Waterproof Sex Toy Kit. Tracy's Dog? It says currently unavailable, so we don't know how much it is.

That's the brand. It's Tracy's Dog. Oh, my God. Tracy, get a better brand name. That seems strange. For your sex toys. Anyway, here we go. He was five stars, titled So Awesome I Had to Name Him.

I have a difficult time orgasming i don't know why i said it so weird i have a difficult time orgasming this double heads wand solved that problem omg the first time i used it it was so powerful it was a little scary and that was the first speed so i named him mr scary end of come on I thought we were already at the weirdest possible names. I don't think I realized how unique people get and creative people get with these names. There's Mr. Scary. My therapist. My therapist, Mr. Scary, Magic Stick, Bud, Rocco?

Is that one? Rocky? Rocky? Yeah. Dear Lord. bud rocco is that one rocky rocky yeah dear lord um this next one oh my god you have so many two more two more okay uh oh dear this one is meant to be somewhat hyper realistic um this product this next one yeah so i'm trying to get through it okay uh this is a four-star review of beauty molly superior seven inch anal realistic penis dildo with suction cup adult sex toys for women comma flesh oh god that is the car here it is uh it's titled this review four stars titled standing tall i ordered this guy with free same day delivery so i could time and intercept the package without getting busted. Also did not have to worry about a not-so-honest pedestrian unknowingly running down the street with my virgin dildo.

I will start by saying I may add or subtract from my initial review as time passes. This is my first piece of rubber that actually resembles a man's tug toy. I can confirm with other reviewers that the packaging has no shame. And as photographed, the box features a proud silhouette with the text dildo. I would keep that box and give it to friends for like a gag gift, you know, put like something else in there. Yeah. But then they're going to be like, where did you get this box? Exactly.

Proud silhouette with the text dildo. Just in case someone did not know what the picture on the box is. I think the packaging of this product is marvelous. While it does not conceal what's in the box, the outline of a robust male sex organ intensified my anticipation to see what was in the box, even though I already knew. What a tease. Ew. Ew. with veins and the maker's rendering of balls. The product is sticky and needs a good wash up before any use. I like the weight and feel of this dildo in spite of the fact it does not feel like a penis at all. The balls are not even big enough to be used as tension balls and certainly will not slap

my butt. I am really happy with this purchase and don't mind lubing him up either. And you will need plenty of that. For under $10, I got a great tool to add to my self-gratification treasure box. When I decide to size up, this self-standing dildo will make a handsome paperweight. Cheers! End of review. It is, this one is quite...

It's a lot. It's a lot. Handsome is one word for it. It's graphic. It is, yeah. This one will not even be... There's the picture the last picture is it suctioned on a table or something and a finger is like showing the bend by like pushing down on it just a single finger pushing down that poor model shows the bend

poor display model funny or hand model but nine Or hand model. But nine bucks? Yeah. 3,300 ratings. What cracks me up is- I respect that so many people rated it and talk about it. What cracks me up is that they bought it same day delivery, which when I buy stuff here that's same day delivery, it's only because I do actually need something. And so I know it comes from the factory right here in Hebron, Kentucky. And I'm like, oh, they just go to the right aisle, grab it and drive it to my house.

And just a thought that someone's like, oh, we have an urgent delivery. It needs to be there in the next three hours. And then they're like, go to this aisle and select this item. And it's just a big box that says dildo. It's like, wow, what a moment that employee must have had of like, well, someone's having a day.

One of the best things though, is the pictures of these things and like what people are comparing it to. Yeah. So one person has a tape measure out to show the length. One person has a bottle of McCormick minced garlic. One of those small seasoning things next to it. Someone else has an empty like a paper towel tube. No, not paper towel, a toilet paper tube. Okay.

Just sitting on the ground next to it to show the size. Yeah. But mostly it's people with their hands. The minced garlic one, I wonder how those became so close by that they were the easiest. Yeah, that was a curious one. Easiest items to compare. Yeah. There's also one with some weird discolorations that look like mold.

Cool. So let's move on from that one. Gosh, what was the name of it again? You know, Charlie. It was such a random just thrown in there. Like, once I saw, I named it Charlie. It just said I saw it be birthed, then I named it Charlie. And it was sticky.

What the hell? Oh, my God. This last one is my last one, but it's a doozy. It's a good one. Nobody can see me, but I've just become completely horizontal and just given up on life. She is also, sorry, not you, this product. She is our most expensive item yet okay uh this is a 44 pound sex doll sorry male rewind 44 pounds 44 pounds it is uh the bust it goes it's basically um no legs and no arms oh no but like a little bit of like the upper thigh-ish. Oh no. And parts and then no head either.

Okay. It's one of these things. Yeah. Very large breasts. Oh God. Oh God. Here we go. Oh no.

44 pound sex doll, male masturbator with big boobs, butt, realistic pussy ass, life size sex doll, female torso, lifelike adult, love doll with vaginal anal breast sex male sex toy 25 and a half by 13.7 by nine inches oh my god uh 256 dollars i'm trying to dissociate let me dissociate for a minute i'm not going to read the rest of the description don't worry okay um but here is a five-star review. Oh, God. I named it My Therapist. This is so bad. This is a real bad one. Verified purchase, by the way.

Oh, no. I named her Renee. Sorry if I typo. Currently still in her. No! And OMG, I cannot and won't stop. I finished long ago, but she feels so good. So soft.

And she's got the suction of a Hoover. I don't know if I'm going to be getting out of her soon, but I'll miss her when I do. Perfect size as well. End of review. I'm going to throw up. Three people found this helpful. I need to call Renee right now and say you're not allowed to listen to my podcast anymore. And I did not change the name. I swear i didn't like seek that out either okay for the record um god yeah one of her best friends is named renee if that wasn't clear

and actually listens to this show yeah i'm sorry it was not anything used to probably not anymore that is not why like i would have brought this no matter what the name was. It's also Leona's middle name. This is just hitting very close to home. That fact I forgot until this moment. I swear. Oh, gosh. I swear. I swear.

Honestly, I never thought I'd say this, but I miss the clippy erotica. That was so good, though. And that hasn't even come out as we record this, because it's a bit between you and us. Oh, true. It hasn't. Oh, my God. It'll be out by this point. It'll soon come out by this point.

Absolutely. So you all know how things have been going for me and they're not, they're not going well. Oh man. So if you made it, we probably should have said something about this earlier, but if you made it this far, there's a new pin. Oh my God. Our Wessel pin.

Our Wessel pin is out. So if you were like, wow, that was great. I need to give them some money. I think if you're like wow that was great i need to give them some money i think if you're like i need something wholesome to cleanse my palate go buy your cute weasel pin or if you're tempted to buy one of these products but you think you might not spend the money on us instead yeah or you know so then i can spend the money on those products for myself and you can name weasel whatever you want yeah exactly yeah we'll allow it so anyway thanks alexander and you're so welcome.

Thanks a lot, Sonia, even though I literally found your email and said, oh, this looks good. I literally had to do it. I know. I know. I mean, you're right. It's the nature of the show. I set you up for this. You did. It's all your fault and Sonia's fault.

There's not much else you could have done, and I do apologize to everyone and myself, really, mostly. Okay, great. Thanks a lot, Sandy. No problem. You're welcome, everyone. Talk to you talk to you soon we'll see you next time bye wait are we announcing a theme or challenge um not yet nope we'll probably throw a poll up there between before this episode airs so we'll have it ready i don't know you'll find it on patreon figure it out or something okay bye bye something. Okay, bye. Bye.