Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 208: Reviews of Caves

Episode Date: November 23, 2022

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This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water Too Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. And we're rolling. Welcome to Beach Shoe Sandy Water Too Wet podcast, where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion.

My name is Zandy. I am Zteen. Oh, hi Zteen. What's up? Oh, nothing. Just drinking some Dunkin'. Dunkin' on haters. You know what I do. The usual. Something. The usual. This is episode something. And we are talking about, what's this episode? Caves. Caves. I love this. I do too. We need to to talk more um loudly oh we're too quiet yeah because we're in a cave i just decided no i just decided we were being too quiet okay um so let me practice my loudness sounded really depressed we wouldn't this season hey we wouldn't want to give the wrong impression i don't get it why are you winking we wouldn't want to give the impression that we're that we

are depressed wink let me practice my volume by giving a shout out to a hilarious podcast that i was on and that i apparently never shouted out because I was in such a haze I think this whole thing was a dream honestly uh that I was on this show you shouldn't shout but I'm gonna shout it out anyway because it was a good dream and really funny uh live laugh larceny uh it's a podcast if you were dreaming that and you made that name up in your sleep I would be so impressed but I'm assuming this is a real podcast this is a real thing and i'm still very impressed that they came up with that name it's very good um it's it's pretty funny because it's like an uh it's an audio drama and they share true crime things but

petty true crime oh so it's not gonna be like the heavy stuff oh so it's honestly kind of similar to when we started beach to sandy we were like oh break from all the true crime for people because that was such a big thing this is like you get that taste of true crime okay without all the heaviness and what did you do on it i uh i know you don't really know because you were in a haze yeah and i um was actually just uh reporting on on a crime that occurred in the world of RuneScape mainly. What? Seriously? Yes.

It was petty. What was the name of the episode? Because I know it was a while ago. Yeah, it was The Bored Identity, B-O-R-E-D. And that was episode 67. Okay, great. So check that out. And I hope you like it, y'all. But if not, there are better episodes than the one I'm on, I'm sure,

because I listened to some and thought they were hilarious. Yeah, probably. Great. Well, that's very exciting. It was. It is. Love the name of the show. Love it so much.

Love the concept. Very good. Okay. And I approve. Okay. the name of the show love it so much uh love the concept very good okay and uh i approve okay now caves talk to me what you you feel i feel something like an energy coming from you about these caves energy no no no i don't ever want to give the impression i have stop with your impressions unnecessary to add to the episode since when okay um what what what were your thoughts um caves are cool yeah i like them a lot true some people don't yeah a lot of hole in the ground reviews a lot of why am why is it underground and why am i here well i don't know how to answer that sir on yelp yeah i didn't put you there you put yourself there true most likely hopefully because otherwise i should probably call someone uh anyway what are your thoughts on caves i thought it was great there's so many caves out there. There's so many damn caves.

And we got so many emails, by the way. So if we don't get to yours, that's why. To mine? Oh, no. Yeah. If we don't get to her part of the show. That's like, okay. No.

You just invited me to speak and then said, anyway, you're probably not part of this. No. If you emailed us and we don't read it, it's nothing. It's just because we've had a lot. It's because we hate it. Oh, I mean, just kidding. No, that was just that one. It was just that one.

Oh, what a fun game. Oh my god, could you imagine if whoever is listening now... By the way, you know who you are. Just kidding, I'm kidding. Oh my god, we didn't talk about any of the emails, so that was a joke. Alright, so, Alexander. What? Why don't you...

How many do you have? I have no idea. I have a handful of emails and a few I found myself. You go first. Okay. All right. I've got a review of Crystal Cave in Pennsylvania. Oh, I have...

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. My first one is from Crystal Cave in Pennsylvania. No. Sorry. Wait. I'm worried. Who wrote it?

And don't make up a name because I'm not going to know if you make up a name. So, Tara Sheher sent it. Sorry. Wait. I'm worried. Who wrote it? And don't make up a name because I'm not going to know if you make up a name. So Tara Sheher sent it. Okay. And it was a Google review of Crystal Cave written by Nadim. Okay. I have a different one sent in by Jenny written by Lily. Amazing. That wasn't even sent in in this email.

Good job, you two coordinating Tara and Lily. By the way, you two are exempt from our earlier comments. Yeah, clearly. You know you are not the culprit. Congratulations. All righty. Here's a one-star review of Crystal Cave. Crystal Cave, wasting time and money.

Bad experience. No phone signal. No free Wi-Fi. Just lots of mosquito there. End of review. Eww. You're like, eww, no free Wi-Fi in my cave? Just mosquitoes, though?

Yeah, it's nature, Christina. In the cave? Well, there's standing water, probably. Yeah. Although, I did hear it wasn't even a real cave well that part was what i've been lied to the entrance to the cave is like wood paneling like like on the side of a station wagon what do you mean like you i don't understand stop the entrance to the cave i went into was like a fucking, looked like a fucking World War II bunker with stairs. Oh, maybe that's what they meant because it had wood panels.

Yeah, mine had a door with stairs, but like the cave is a real cave. Okay. They just made an entrance with stairs. All right. And an elevator. It's not like the elevator was there when the cave formed i don't think why don't why don't i then how would the cave have formed other than with an elevator yeah if they couldn't get down how could the aliens go down to dig how could the aliens go down into the ground yeah all right let me maybe this will clarify some things for you. Okay. Please tell me about how not real this fake cave is.

So Jenny took their third grade class a few years ago. What an idiot. Taking them to a fake cave. Sorry. That was her words, not mine. I just... I muted myself when I said it and he just repeated it um so jenny took their third grade class there a few years ago and said it was great so jenny is probably wrong because i'm just kidding i don't know why i feel like dissing all our listeners today especially the ones who helped us so much. Okay. Sorry. This is a one-star review that Jenny sent in by Lily. This place is an overpriced dive.

While waiting for our tour, we decided to have ice cream at the ice cream parlor. Why they would name an old, outdated room from the 70s with paneled walls a parlor is mind-boggling and deceiving. Then begins the herding of visitors into a cement block room. Okay, sorry. Herding, herding, not herting. Okay, yes. Herding the visitors. H-E-R-D.

If it were herting the visitors, it might be more of a problem. Well, the cattle prods do hurt. Yeah, that's what I heard. Similar to a visit at your local prison, where you wait some more to watch a history video about the so-called natural cave that two farmers happened to find while blasting for limestone.

I feel like this is one of those things where I jokingly heard like some, a flat earther say something. And then for whatever reason, my brain clung onto it and decided like, oh, this is real because just now I was like, well, it's not even real because it's wood paneled and it's a so-called real cave. And now I'm like, wait, I just read this review and somehow like absorbed their information. It's true, which is so bad. It's so dangerous. You'd think after this many years, I'd learn to just not take everything reviewers say at face value. Before you're done rolling your eyes about that one, the film makes an interesting twist into the world of

evolution oh christina you read this whole review and we're like yeah this this person knows what they're talking about it was like they're crazy and then i turned around and went have you heard about the wood some point somebody told me about wood pilling i can't remember who you know the mammoth caves had a cafeteria inside the cave in In the cave. So you go down there. I mean, not anymore. They used to, but they messed up the cave ceiling. I think it was when they were like cooking things. So they had to scrape it all off.

It's like hamburger grease a bit. Yeah. Oh my God. So they stopped doing that, but they said they might bring pre-wrapped sandwiches or something down to give to guests. How long did they have a cafeteria before they realized they were getting hamburger grease? I have no idea. On the stalagmites?

Are those what they are? Yes. They're not stalagmites? It's all fake. Stalactites are actually the ones on the ceiling. Damn it, I guessed. Yeah. You know how I remember?

Stalactites, they hang on tight. Oh. That's what I heard. That's a good one. No, I just think stalactite has a C for ceiling. Oh. That's what I heard. That's a good one. No, I just think stalactite has a C for ceiling. Oh, and stalagmite has an M for move over. Oh. For move over.

When you're herded. Okay, yes, perfect. You get it. So here's the thing. It's a stalactite. Yeah, made of hamburger grease. They didn't even realize it was it wasn't fake it was just like they thought it was a natural formation but it's

man-made because it's just all the and i didn't believe it until the tour guide started suckling Yeah. Oh, it was. We couldn't look away, though. You're so sick. But no, they legitimately had a cafe. So we saw the remnants of the cafeteria, like a whole buffet line kind of area. Do you think someday, I'm not, it sounds like a joke, but I'm not joking. Do you think someday in like hundreds of years, it'll be like a relic? Or do you think it'll just all be swallowed up by the sun by then jesus in a hundred years in a couple hundred oh couple hundred years now you're talking i don't know like wouldn't that be cool though if you were like oh these dumb ass humans back in rediscovered 2000 or like they just kept it there and then like in 200 years it'll be like wow how stupid were they making hamburger stalactites on the ceiling? You know. True.

You know, I couldn't say. Okay. I thought you could. Very good question, though. Thank you. Very good. I raised my hand when I was there last, and they wouldn't call on me for some reason. Okay. He was too busy suckling on those stalactites.

Stop. You're not allowed to say that anymore. Okay. I'm serious. Can I say that the stalactites emptied themselves into him? I need you to anymore. Okay. I'm serious. Can I say that the stalactites emptied themselves into him? I need you to stop. Okay. Can you hurry up and read your review?

No, because you're so full of bullshit. Okay. Before you're done rolling your eyes about that one, the film makes an interesting twist into the world of evolution. Then the group is separated into two smaller groups, and one group is kept waiting while the other group heads off for the grand tour. We are now up to 25 minutes of nothingness.

Once in the cave, visitors are captivated by listening to the same history story all over again from a tour guide whose voice is bouncing off the walls of this unattractive, natural wonder. Emphasis on wonder, as in, I wonder why the hell I chose this activity on my free time.

Actually, I do believe the cave was cleaner and more updated than the bathrooms. To take a leap back into... Does that mean they peed in the cave? Probably, yeah. That's what the stalagmites are made of. They emptied themselves in the cave. You brought it up! No, I didn't. Stop it.

To take a leap back in time and experience the cave. Stop! You brought it up! No, I didn't. Stop it. To take a leap back in time and experience the cave in total darkness, the modern lights are shut off for what seemed like plenty long enough for a tour guide to sneak out and smoke some weed. Nice. Nice. I almost forgot to mention the awesome laser pointer used by the guide to highlight some fault line that I suppose would be exciting if I were a cat. What?

My first thought was, what? Are cats fascinated by fault lines? You know how cats and geology just mix. Yeah, so well. We left early, but if this is your thing, I highly recommend it. End of review. Whoever takes him up on that offer is gonna be cut out of the will or the friendship seriously my gosh seven people found this useful no i know so um i i guess i i'm sorry jenny you're

probably right that this place is great i think i just read a lot about the uh i went and read a lot about it afterward yeah and there were some unquestionable things about the guy who works there and stuff so i think i had a i had a little bit of a bias this is a whole vendetta thing you're anti crystal caves got it a little bit i i thought this was a national park is it not i don't know oh you said the guy who runs it are you talking about biden i mean fair there are a lot of things wait who's i learned a lot after I Googled it that there's this guy named Joe who runs it. A lot of reviewers were complaining about him. To be fair.

Wait, this is not a joke. One of the reviews said the man just sat there eating ice cream off of a plate the whole time. So like maybe it was Joseph. Yeah. Whoa. Well, true. He couldn't get his hands on a bowl i guess i guess christina i guess i guess all right my next one is uh one sent in by dylan he him

um oh wait that was crystal grottos what the hell is that? That's a different cave. Are you kidding me? Nope. Oh, Jesus Christ. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Crystal Cave. It's the wrong one.

It's the wrong one. You should be. I'm sorry. Crystal Grottoes was the one that I was looking at. Got it. Okay. My next one here, this is from Dylan He Him, who sent in a review. And I'm just now looking at what the name of the cave is. Because at first I just looked at the screenshot that didn't have the name.

And I have no idea how to say it. A-I-L-L-W-E-E cave. I-L-E. Oh, no, it's in Ireland. So, okay. I was like, I wonder how Americans would pronounce it. But that's probably not how they actually pronounce it.

Yeah, don't. Anyway, so this is a cave in Ireland. This is a one-star review. Unimpressive hole in the ground. Impressive hole

left in your wallet to go see it. A half-hour walking geology lecture. Informationally equivalent to five minutes on Wikipedia, spent trying to avoid tripping over people's wayward toddlers and being blinded by the flashes of clueless wannabe photographers who don't understand they're totally wasting their time. The caves themselves are utterly uninspiring, with a meager handful of stalactites here and there nothing like the

awe-inspiring natural cathedrals seen in other limestone caves elsewhere in the world to be avoided unless you can't tell a lackluster tourist trap from a hole in the ground and a review anyway come by and visit my cave that i own because clearly i have some sort of weird ulterior motive. That was a very, I know this person just. Really not. Has feelings about caves. Not into this cave in particular. Yeah. Really upset about it.

Could you imagine though, like you're traveling the world looking at different caves and you go to Ireland to see this cave and you're disappointed. That kind of sucks. Yeah. I'm making this story up. i don't know if that's actually this might be just a local who has never seen anything but photos of other caves but be fair though like if i've i've gone to places and been disappointed by an experience and i don't get so upset about like so worked up and angry and uh calling out other people and toddlers and stuff like really mean you know like these

amateur loser photographers like i just picture this man being way overly sensitive in this cave and every time a flash goes off he's like oh i'm being blinded my eyes like calm down sir oh you shouldn't be using a flash in there i I don't think, should you? They told us not to in Mammoth Caves. Well, then become a tour guide so you can boss them around. True. This person would make a great tour guide. Yeah, I bet. Or a museum docent.

He would just read off Wikipedia. Same thing. Is that what a docent does? Tells you to put your backpack on your front? Is that what a docent is? Yeah. Before I get docents in my DMs. That sounds like a new podcast. docents in my DMs. That sounds like a new podcast.

Docents in my DMs. I just read DMs from docents who DM me. Honestly? Sounds pretty good. Okay, I wouldn't listen to it, but. Okay, next up I have Mammoth Caves, which is the one near us, sort of. Yeah, like three hours. Pretty close. Next up, I have Mammoth Caves, which is the one near us, sort of. Yeah, like three hours.

Pretty close. It's actually in my state. Well, it's in the same state as we are right now. Yes. And I don't mean depressed. I mean geographically. And I was just there like less than a month ago. Yes. And I was there when I was 18.

Yeah, I don't care. That was a long time ago. Things have changed. The cave has changed in those dozen years. Yeah, they got rid of the cafeteria, Christina. Oh, no. So you're saying one day I can tell my great-grandchildren that I got to see the cafeteria in the Bammoth Cave? Yep, the long-lost cafeteria.

That's so cool. Yeah. They have a haunted tour, by the way. Yep, the long lost cafeteria. That's so cool. Yeah. They have a haunted tour, by the way. No, they don't. I'm pretty sure. Because he talked about some like legends and ghosts and stuff. There was one at Buffalo Trace for sure. A haunted tour?

Yeah. At Buffalo Trace Distillery. They talked about it. What on earth? They mentioned ghosts that run around in different rooms that we went into, different buildings. Well, I googled... What? We went into buildings at Buffalo Trace, and the tour guide mentioned ghosts that were

in those buildings. Like, we didn't even do the ghost tour, and we talked about ghosts. Did you say they were running around? Yeah, the ghosts? Yeah, why are they running? They're little kids. Oh, okay. Kids will do that.

Yeah, why are they in a brewery? It's a distillery. Why are they in a brewery? It's not. It's a distillery. Why are they in a distillery? I don't know. Maybe they like the taste of alcohol. Fuck. I don't know. They're probably like hundreds of years old.

Let them be. I googled Mammoth Cave ghosts and this article says the ghosts of ancient sharks at Mammoth Cave. They found like shark parts. Yeah, cartilage. Part of a Civotus striatus. Maybe it wasn't a ghost tour, but like more of like

a legend tour kind of thing. Maybe I'm making all that up and just conflating it with the buffalo trace. Docents, can you get in his DMs, please? Get out of my DMs, docents. You'll never have content if you shoo them away. Okay, so. Here's the thing i went

there when i was 18 okay nobody really cares except i went there with a guy i was had a crush on okay okay and almost died right like on the way yes yeah well what do you mean i almost died in the cave oh and on the way maybe i don't know it was a very that's something about hydroplaning or something on the way down oh on the way home yes it was extremely dangerous i forgot about that but on the way we also got pulled over by a park ranger and ticketed like 350 bucks and the problem was he took me and another girl who he was sort of dating oh and then he made us over the border smuggling so the feds got involved he made us he made us go hiking for it was over the border of smuggling, so the feds got involved. He made us go hiking for many miles. And then we went on their, like, spelunking.

Like, their, it's an eight-hour, I think an eight, six to eight-hour tour. Jesus fucking Christ. And we had to jump, like, across, like, big gaps. We had to, like, shimmy through tiny little openings um there was one point where we had to step on this tiny little ledge and they said if you fall and break you will break your legs at least and uh it'll be at least 12 hours before ems can get here so um it was extremely horrific i still have photos somewhere on an old phone of like just the bruises like my whole body was just bruised um and you know what i did it for love and do you see how well that worked out no yeah yeah seems worth it womp womp jesus christ that sounds terrible two girls that

bringing two girls that you're dating i mean i just have to think of memory i have a memory of that yeah and only one makes it out yeah true i never i never did hear what happened to the other girl just kidding she's part of the ghost tour now no i'm just kidding that was a dumb, dumb. She was a shark this whole time. I was a dumb child, okay? I was a dumb child. I regret everything. This is a review by Anita of Mammoth Cave. One star. Just say no to caves.

I mean, after your story. I wish I had. Yeah, sounds good. That's a thing. Took the Cleveland tour. Basically, it was two hours of sheer terror. It's cold, dark, damp, and stinky. Can't believe they charge a fee to tour this cave.

End of review. So I took it upon myself to write kind of what she was hoping the cave would be. And I imagine that she hoped it would be warm, bright, dry, and smells great. Which... Yeah, who goes into a cave thinking that? I guess I was just kind of taken aback at her surprise at how dark and cold and damp. Yeah. I can't really be helped, you know?

The expectations people have for these caves is way too high like they think it's more than i mean it's a cave they tell you what it is it's pretty clear it is cool if you go in knowing you're walking into a cave i i don't know i went lit looks gonna be the worst docent hello it's a cave what more do you need to know like truly okay there's a lot of info and that's the thing it was pretty cool just to see it like if i did a self-guided tour and just walked around i'd be like this is dope but we got some good information the tour guide had jokes it was entertaining he was really funny he had jokes there was someone in our group um or so he had us all gathered and he was

like is anyone here from arkansas and someone in our group um raised their hand said i grew up there and so he's like oh come here i have something for you what the fuck and so he held out his hand and the tour guide gave him something and was like here it's a little rock he had the dumbest bits that were like so what if like he'd build up to something nobody was from arkansas what are the odds i don't know someone would do you think that was a plant i don't think so can you imagine on indeed there's a job posting for someone who has to pretend they're from Arkansas on every tour. That would be pretty great. If not, like there was a ranger in the back who was making sure none of us got out of line, who was like hurting us, basically.

So maybe she would have stepped in and been like, I'm from Arkansas. If push comes to shove, you know. I bet you that was the first time she hasn't had to be the one to say I'm from Arkansas because like what are the odds I mean Arkansas isn't that far and I hear they love caves in Arkansas I also hear they're extremely populous and a lot of people are from there yeah yeah true um my next one it comes from crystal who sent reviews of how's caverns in upstate new york um is your next one gonna be from how yeah like how's caverns who's how oh no i don't know who how is sorry i'm just uh trying out for my new role as docent of a cave. I don't have the same jokes. Well, because you said crystal, which was crystal cave.

Now I'm saying how. I said crystal? You said this was sent in by crystal. Was it actually? Did I just make that up? You said this was sent in by crystal. Oh, this one is sent in. Yeah.

And the last place you did was crystal cave. So I said is your next one from. It's not funny. When I don't get it. It's especially not funny. Nobody told you it was Crystal Cave. So I said, is your next one from Hrm? It's not funny. When I don't get it. It's especially not funny. Nobody told you it was going to be funny. Yeah. Nobody ever said it would be this hard.

It's so moist in here. I hate it. Nobody ever said. So Crystal says, I've been to this place and it was fun, except my mom got claustrophobic at the end and I didn't think she'd get out of the cave. Crying laughing emoji. Crying laughing emoji. And and then says she's fine now this was years ago so calm down she only has night terrors once a week about approximately

wakes up screaming oh my god okay here we go here's a one star review this is by patricia worst tour guide i've ever experienced in my life. I travel a lot. I honestly wanted to tell our tour guide to just go home. His name was Michael, I believe. He said this was his third summer working at Howe Caverns. He spent the entire one and a half hours telling us how he hates this job, how he tries to beat his time of doing the tour so that he can be over with it as quick as possible. He told us he can't be fired, so he can basically do whatever he wants with no consequences. Oh, it's Michael Howe Jr. It's Michael Howe, so true.

God, it's his dad's cave. He shared with us he did not want to be here with us talking about rocks. He felt the tour itself is dumb because all we do is stare at rocks. He said he has nothing to share with us about the rocks. He felt the tour itself is dumb because all we do is stare at rocks. He said he has nothing to share with us about the rocks. And again, how much he hates this job and just wants to go home. We sped walked through the caverns as he complained. He said he wanted to make sure we were done before 5.30 PM so he could get home. We also heard a lot of disgruntled complaints from him as various people wanted to stop for photos. We upgraded to the

Night Lantern tour on purpose because we wanted a more quiet and relaxing experience. I do recommend doing the night tour if you don't have kids. We got there early and there were a lot of kids running around and it was busy, so I'm glad the night tour was after hours. The tour consisted of about 10-12 people and started at 3.30pm. The actual caves were very touristy, but nice. The only redeeming quality was walking back alone in the quiet without Michael and with just our lanterns. After we murdered him? Yeah, I know.

I don't know what happened here. After we pushed him into a glacial pond and never saw him again? I'm picturing him having an exit, a special exit, and he just escapes and leaves him it's like shawshank redemption he's like chiseled a hole into the end of the tour where he can escape nobody knows to be fair when i went in mammoth caves we went in to like an hour walk in the caves and an hour walk out after you go in for an hour like there's only one way you know to get out it was pretty

obvious yeah it kind of makes sense that they could just walk back where would he go but i don't know he'd stay at the cafeteria he said i told you i'm going home and then he pulls out a sleeping bag and they're like wait you live in this fucking game that would be a great bit i love that he's like he like goes behind the abandoned cafeteria and like pulls out his sandwich that he's keeping back there in a thermos. I'm writing a screenplay. And his suckling stalactites. I don't care what you said.

Okay, ready? Our group was nice. They were all couples as well. They too were discussing how annoying our guide was. A lot of under breath complaints. I do recommend the lantern tour, but request not to get michael as he literally ruined the entire experience end of review what is going on with this guy i don't know he's struggling like he's like if any of this even if even half of this is true yeah because

like she said a lot of things if even half of that is true like someone needs to check on this guy i can't be fired you get the normal oh they seem like they hate their job but this was very specific he didn't want to just look at rocks like what the hell what are you doing there this wasn't an impression that he was giving off no it sounds like this is genuine thoughts and feelings about the place it sounds like again it sounds like a summer job where his parents like make him work there or something and he's like can't get out of it but also she did say right at the beginning i wish i could tell him to go home or something and i'm like that's probably what he wanted you to do didn't she say that like i wish i could have sent him home or something

oh yeah you did i completely forgot that said i honestly wanted to tell our tour guide to just go home. He probably was just like egging you on. He was probably like, please, somebody kick me out of here. Maybe that's why they lost him at the end there. True. Wow. Then he goes back. They're like, where's your group? Oh, they told me to go home.

Yeah, sorry. This one lady told me. Customers always rain. This one lady said I could go home and and I gave her my lantern, and she left. Wow. A cave is not a place where I would want to be stuck with somebody annoying, I will say. True. That's right. If you didn't like that guy's jokes in the one that I went to, you were miserable.

I loved it, though. The joke, I can imagine some people probably wouldn't love the joke. And to be fair, that was his like maybe 30th joke. That was like at the very end. So, oh boy. Okay. Oh boy. Okay.

This is a one star view of Mammoth Cave and it's, I'm not making up a name because it's too good. His name is Jimbo. Nice. Not Jimbo the Eradicator. Oh, are you sure? Jimbo. I'm not positive, but Jimbo nonetheless. So this is the Eradicator. Aww. Are you sure? I'm not positive.

But Jimbo nonetheless. So this is a one star review. That's my next podcast. Jimbo nonetheless. I don't know what we're going to do, but I just sound so good with that name. You're going to read DMs from docents. With Jimbo. Jimbo.

Only docents named Jimbo can DM me. How about that? I don't know. I think you'd be hard pressed, no offense, to find any docent named Jimbo. I hope there's that one person who happens to listen to us. This is like the dumbest way ever to start a business, but we're going to like copyright everything. Jimbo.

Name it Jimbo nonetheless, and then find the talent afterward. Be like, we need to find someone named Jimbo. Name it Jimbo nonetheless and then find the talent afterward. True. Be like, we need to find someone named Jimbo. True. Or. Talk to me. It could be like in a community where the guy named himself, they change his name to Subway. Yeah.

True. We can change someone's name to Jimbo. Yep. Wink. Jimbo says, one star. wink jimbo says one star there was a time many years ago when this park had some of the best food in kentucky though that's you know what weirdly not surprising hey i don't know not not the craziest amount of competition here to be fair i didn't there's so much good food

in kentucky i go here all the time like covington and newport yeah okay also to be fair i didn't know anything about this abandoned cafeteria yet so okay just adding a little bit of like yeah flavor so to speak to this to this review those days are long gone i have been so disappointed the last two visits. I would not go back if they offered the food to me for free. This is a classic example of piss poor management. There used to be waitresses who had been there for 25 to 30 years. Now they change almost weekly. The terrific home cooking is now tin cans and frozen crap. If you visit the cave, ignore the dining. There are several decent places to eat 10 miles up the road in Cave City.

End of review. Okay, I thought that before you said the word cave, I thought this was a mistake review. That they clicked the wrong thing. What? No, no, they meant at Mammoth Cave. How long ago was this reviewed, you know? January 2019. I i mean waitress like all i saw for food was a little like trailer type thing where you just walk through and order something like a hot dog like there was no sit down restaurant that i saw

so i'm very surprised by this and maybe i mean so like interesting like maybe they did change it that much and they got rid of all that maybe it was like during um covid they like closed the restaurant or something i don't know i do remember there being food i feel like like a but it might have just been something yeah maybe i just didn't look in the right spots i don't there isn't that much to look at though there's a spelunkers cafe and ice cream parlor closed for 2022 due to construction and the green river grill which is sounds a little too close to green river killer uh which is also closed all year due to construction green river grill Grill. Yeah, okay. So maybe I just didn't see it because it was all closed.

There's only the camp store, Caver's Camp Store, which has just like on-the-go stuff. Yeah, that's what I saw. Wow. Or tin cans, as this person says. Come on. I mean. It seems very weird that you'd be so hell-bent on like. The cave you are.

The cave. The food you're given when you visit a cave yeah i don't know it's a national park like i yeah i feel like that shouldn't that that doesn't usually strike me as the the priority for visitors it's like i feel like the the main reason you go to somewhere like Mammoth Cave and pay for entrance and all that is not to eat from Peggy, the same waitress who's been there for 30 years. But I mean, maybe if you live down the road. That's the thing. If you live close enough and the food was actually good, I could see how that's pretty disappointing. With a name like Jimbo.

Could you imagine though? I'm like a Kentuckian to me. You're working, you're on your lunch break and you're like oh i'm gonna step out where you going peggy i'll have my usual you just go freaking maim with caves for lunch it's kind of fun but they're like who are you and he's like i'm michael i'm here for the summer and he's like where's peggy she's worked here for 30 years wow we've been replaced by these by these summer staffers this sounds so believable it's what happened michael michael the tour guide michael howe um speaking of michael howe we've got another review of howe cavern uh but this was sent in by aaron she her god this is terrible this is a

one-star review this reviewer is not terrible just you'll you'll see. Okay. This is a one-star review. The cave itself is great. However, the gift shop purchaser needs to have a conversation with the 21st century. It is not okay to sell products making light of child abuse. It's even less okay to do so in a gift shop for a family attraction. I signed up to explore a cave that was discovered in the 19th century, not to give my money to someone who is nostalgic for 19th century caveman morality. End of review.

I saw this. You saw this? Yeah. They're like wooden paddles. Oh my God. One says attitude adjuster. And Christina the other, do you remember what it says? Make kids great again.

Oh! It's like a spanking paddle of some, like, I am, I was shocked. What is the matter with you? And it's clearly from there, like, everything around there, there's, to the left, there's Howe Caverns decals. Then there's, like, a rainbow-y, like, fun pattern bag. And then above it, there's some, what look like ornaments or something? It's not a fun pattern bag, it's it there's some would look like ornaments or something it's a paddle holder it's a special accessory for your baking paddle what is the matter what is the matter with people i don't know make kids great again let's beat them into submission right

that's disgusting it's terrible that's's so sick. People are insane. I don't know where I saw that, though. Who sent that in? Aaron. Okay, so did Samantha. Thanks, Samantha. Sorry you didn't get credit. Aaron got it first.

I just knew I had read it somewhere else. And one of the reviews that she also sent was by Deb, one star. Staff is rude and insulting. The gift shop sells inappropriate things that are not family friendly and potentially harmful to children. And I would argue like, I mean, yeah, in the most literal sense, potentially harmful. Oh, boy. Unless it's someone uses it for like MAGA roleplay, you know, who knows? Okay.

uses it for like MAGA roleplay you know who knows okay I don't think no offense but um I don't think any of them are really that um they sell spanking paddles on Etsy I'm just saying who does MAGA probably but no I remember I read a bunch of no I'm talking about like I don't know if MAGA people would be like um can you imagine you don't you know yeah hey there's so many of them there's got to be some there's so many of them with such a variety of tastes imagination and experience and open-mindedness that's true now that you mention it you're right um can we talk about how i'm looking at the picture attitude adjuster make kids great again and then on the paddle, it says, Howe Caverns, New York. It does? Yes.

I couldn't, I couldn't, I tried zooming in and I couldn't read it. It says Howe Caverns. Like, it's a souvenir. Oh my God. It's like etched into the wood. I mean, are you kidding me? That makes it like so much worse. I didn't realize that.

Oh, they're only $12. Well, you didn't tell me that. Oh, man. No, that's darkly disturbing. Isn't that terrible and i hate that on one shelf there are two and or on one peg there are two on the other one there's only one left so don't like the implication that people have been purchasing these okay yikes uh thank you aaron and samantha so the next one i have is another review of Mammoth Cave.

And this is from TripAdvisor. And the user's name is Traveler T. And this is a one star. The title is Big Disappointment. Mammoth Cave was a big disappointment. Much of the cave was man-made formations of concrete. The adjacent hotel is a dump. The restaurant was so bad we left.

As we waited for our food, the waitresses were standing near us discussing their foot funguses. It's cold and damp. What are you going to do? I was about to say, do we think they're related to the fact that it's a cave restaurant? That's pretty bad. Oh, I have the same one. Let's compare. I mean, what are the odds that they both have a foot fungus you know true unless they like touch feet share socks yeah the waitresses were standing near us discussing

their foot funguses and such very nasty save your money for carl's bad it's much better end of review wow yeah while you're eating is really the yeah the one place that would not i mean that's that's i don't think i'd want to hear anywhere but while i'm eating i think would be especially especially bad egregious egregious so maybe a little Well, I've got one here from Emily Sheher, who sent in reviews of the now-closed Seneca Caverns in Riverton, West Virginia. And says, shout out to the Mothman. Here's a three-star review. This is by Pamela. It was raining, so we went subterranean.

The caves were interesting with some unusual formations what didn't work was the young tour guides constant references to movies i want scientific information on the caves not a review of shrek and a review speak for yourself lady i would like all of the above i'm sure it was so relevant though i'm sure it was i'm sure i'm sure because it's like a swamp and a cave exactly what's the difference this is it was a talk about nature i'm sure i'm sure do you think he kept saying get out of my cave yes okay um or like the earwax candle oh true like a stalagmite that's a good scene yeah yeah um wow i i was thinking like well i've already talked about shawshank redemption like what else i mean not that has anything to do with the cave but i'm like what cave movies and then you're like sure yeah was this another like 16 year old kid because i feel like probably yeah you know how they love

shrek famously i feel like the most likely culprit of someone talking about shrek would be someone our age so like in a cave uh so i should probably be quiet okay so the next review i have is from jacklyn she her and it's of crystal grottos oh in maryland okay not to be confused with crystal cave or whatever the fuck you said earlier this is crystal oh this is crystal see that's why i'm so confused there's crystal cave crystal grottos that we're talking about crystal cave happened already so crystal grottos you hate you don't like the owner i don't hate them that's a strong the owner is a terrible human being i think joe biden no um okay this is a one-star review by tina i've wanted to go here for years and finally made the stop it was about 20 a person for the tour and they were good about sanitizer, masks, and distancing, which I appreciated.

As soon as we got into the cave, I suddenly realized I hate caves. Nope. That's a troubling time to realize that. I'm so sorry. Especially because they turned the lights off to show cave darkness, and I'm standing in the bowels of the earth surrounded by spikes in total darkness being dripped on. I guess I was expecting something resembling quartz crystals but it was just shiny dripping rocks. To be fair that is kind of what crystals are. Shiny rocks. But anyway. Because we were distancing we stayed six feet away from the

other couple on the tour but couldn't really see anything the tour guide was pointing out because the halls and rooms are small. Some of the history was interesting, but unless I lived in that town or had a love for caverns, I wouldn't go. So like the literal opposite of what she just determined about herself. The tour guide made a bunch of dad jokes and told stores that are more suited to young children.

And I didn't care, but my boyfriend got tired of it pretty fast. End of review. That might have been my tour guide. dad jokes oh i'm not even no this was oh i thought it was made with caves they're just all the same like it's the same kind of person which makes sense which makes sense yeah and not out of disrespect it's like when people it's like well that's where it comes from when people say what do you live under a rock? And they're like, I mean, yeah. He made that joke. Huh? No, he didn't. He made a joke about that.

It's happening. I am becoming. What's his name? I have no idea. Ranger. Ranger something. Oh, boy. The number of people complaining about rangers.

Yeah. I know. That was a lot. All righty. Here's a one-star review of Mammoth Caves that I found. This is by helen book your tour in advance or you will have driven way out into the middle of freaking nowhere kentucky for absolutely no reason and there's nothing else out there i wish i'd been able to see the cave but i'm certainly not going to go way out there to try again.

I was not impressed with Kentucky at all. But there's some great food. Oh, never mind. It's in the cave. Sorry, you can't be there. You know, that was just so I actually saw other reviews. Similar to that, where people like, basically reviewed an entire state. Yeah. Based on their case. Yeah. That doesn't surprise me. And I can also picture you chuckling when you read that. Yeah. That Kentucky diss.

I mean, it's really one of the main tourist attractions of Kentucky. Yeah. I mean, it's way out there for most people. It's not like near a very big city. Yeah. You'd have to go like Louisville or like. Which I think is like, was over an hour away. it's not like near a very big city yeah you'd have to go like louisville or like which i think is like it was over an hour away exactly um and even then like you better like horses horses and

bourbon and bourbon yeah wow um yeah that's gotta that's gotta be rough i did read a couple of people who said we drove all the way from new york and we didn't have a reservation, which really does stink. I mean, I'm not denying that. Most of the time. So this one I actually read, but I got to a point where any time someone mentioned how far they drove, I just skipped it because I'm like, and I was almost texted you and I was going to say, let's do a contest to see who drove the farthest. Because it was all over. Maybe it's that guy from arkansas you met probably not i bet you people drove farther i mean i felt bad i did like i get how frustrating

that would be but that's what yeah it wasn't even that interesting because yeah that sucks like if that's the only thing you're gonna plan to do in kentucky i mean what else are you gonna do well i mean wouldn't you like at least google to see if you need a reservation first yeah well that's the thing is there was issue there were issues where they changed their policy their policy yeah so they were like first come first serve especially during covid it was at one time in new york state were like first come first serve on our way yeah well and then they get there and they're like no you have a need a reservation they're like well what that wasn't how it was before or something so man anyway well that stinks let's go to australia okay jeremy slash germ he him yeah from the discord oh yeah sent

reviews of yeah what sorry i've never i don't think I've ever, like, directly interacted with him. Well, I emailed him. I'm always lurking. I did email him because I saw his first email and the link didn't work. And I said, hey, sorry, the link didn't work. And then I went back to inbox, realized he immediately had sent a correction saying the link didn't work. Sorry, I was wondering what he was complaining about in the Discord. Stupidity of the host or something.

It was weird. It was a little aggressive. wondering what he was complaining about in the Discord. The stupidity of the host or something. It was weird. It was a little aggressive. She won't stop emailing me dumb comments. So anyway, Germ sent in reviews of glowworm caves in Australia. And here's a one-star review by Holly, a local guide. Oh, I forgot to tell you. What? I accidentally became a local guide.

How? It was an accident. What did you do? I was at a restaurant in Austin, and the server came over at the end and gave us a little laminated card with his name and a QR code and said, hey, if you leave a good review at the end of the month, my boss pays for tattoos. What? That's dope. I know. And I said and i said oh well of course i'll write a review a specific incentive i know and he had a lot of cool tattoos so i was like okay so i gave him a five-star view on google and then all of a sudden it said

congrats you've earned a badge and i was like i didn't ask for this like a austin texas local guide i don't know like how does that work i don't think it even like specifies where locale yeah weird you're just a local guide to to anywhere so anyway i felt like i had to get that off my chest i appreciate you coming to me with this information it's confession i don't know what i'm gonna what the consequences will be but i imagine they'll be dire. Oh, things are in process already. Oh, no. Oh, no.

The, what do you call them? Are moving. I don't know. This is going to be a great joke. I'm sure of it. The gears are moving. The gears are turning? Yeah, the gears are turning.

No. Yeah. So this is a review of Glowworm Caves in Australia. One star by Holly. Would pay another $18 to not go ever again. Very boring. The frogs were more exciting than the worms. The staff at reception were lovely, though.

End of review. I mean, yeah, they're frogs. They're pretty exciting. I think that doesn't sound unreasonable at all. I will also add that. But they are glowworms, apparently. But Germ also said, I don't think Holly realizes they can just not go back there again. unreasonable at all i will also add that uh but they are glow worms apparently exactly but germ also said i don't think holly realizes they can just not go back there again for free she wrote

i would pay another 18 to not ever no that's the thing with those tours you pay for the tour into the cave but not then they're like we charge you to get out and then michael's like fork it up or else you're stuck here with me brought an extra an extra sleeping bag. And don't worry, I've set up a projector for Shrek. Oh, perfect! That would be pretty cool. And everyone's like, damn it, you spoiled the whole movie already. We've been talking for an hour. You've already told us what happens.

Oh, no. Good thing he rented Shrek 2. Yeah. Also fantastic. Also great stuff. Alrighty, I've got another one from Mammoth Caves. This is a review by Jack One Star. Went here on a Wednesday. Not sure how you sell out walking through a cave, but that's what we were told.

Don't waste your time. Hope the cave collapses. Like, I was reading this. I like okay yeah yeah oh my god that's like i don't think people like do people not realize how absolutely psychotic they sound when they make a threat like that yeah no they don't i don't i don't think they all do i think there's very angry aggressive aggressive people. And not excusing it at all. They just throw shit like that out willy-nilly without thinking about it.

It's not extremely startling that you want to murder everyone in that cave. Yikes. Imagine if a cave did collapse and he was like, that would be his reckoning. And he looks down at his hands and He's like, what have I done? No, he looks at his like Yelp profile and he's like, oh, the power has gone to my head. And then a notification pops up. Congratulations, you've got a new badge. We're in a badge.

Oh, no. So tragic. It's another great screenplay we've got on our hands, I think. So this is another review also sent in by Germ. And this is another review of Glowworm Caves, and it has a response from Owner. One star by George. It would have been a good experience, however, with regards to the female guide from the States. Keep the identity agenda slash politics out of the educational tour guide.

My son and daughter learned that one of the reasons why female larvae are bigger or have more luminescence is a result of the male larvae having less responsibility, is educational, but making a few jokes about it and suggesting males are lazy or go out and leave the female at home partying, etc. is not educational. or go out and leave the female at home partying, etc. is not educational. Our guide was attempting to use humor to educate people, is your reply. Then stick to the facts. Spare people the humor. If someone says that males are lazy, leave the woman at home pregnant, and other comments, I don't get the joke, sorry, and don't know what's that supposed to translate to when it's got nothing to do with glowworms. Of all the humor and jokes she could use but instead uses gender end of review wow here is um a response from glow worm

caves parentheses owner the worm glow worm uh what do you call it? Glowworm army females. Oh no. They're coming for you. Glowworm caves owners say, Hi George. No politics here. Just attempts at genuine educational experiences. Our tours explicitly pertain only to glowworms and certainly don't relate to human gender roles. Male glowworms

genuinely don't have any responsibilities to their young. And after giving birth, neither do the females our guide was just attempting to use humor to educate people on the rather harsh nature of some glow worm behavior it's unfortunate to hear that didn't translate in this case they got so upset and for what it's like whatever it's stupid jokes maybe but come on they're so mad because all the snowflakes are so sensitive and are making comments and you know what political statements about glow worms in this this country come on australia get your shit together sacred anymore not even glow worm gender politics

so sad um is that do you have any more i I have one more. Oh, great. I did see a lot of people talking about go to Carlsbad instead. Okay. And so I looked that up. They had, I think, a lot more reviews on Google than Mammoth Cave. So it seems like quite the place. It's Carlsbad Caverns National Park in Carlsbad, New Mexico. Looks pretty dope.

Here's a one-star review. I don't know what to think of this there was just a lot going on so and when i read it i was like whoa okay i'm gonna need to bring this to you great great so uh here is a one-star review uh this is by victor great place everyone should go at least once the only reason for the low score is because of a pretend officer, parentheses park ranger, that was bullying people at the bat show. He was being overly aggressive with everyone. Thank God he's not a real officer. He told me to leave with my eight-month-old because he was babbling randomly.

Told me it didn't look like he was interested and it's time to leave. Sorry, your kid's really not into bats. Gotta get out of here. This is for bat lovers only. Yeah, bat lovers only, so true. The bats came out as he was saying that. He was yelling at people because he thought they had their phone,

threatened to arrest a man, and made a huge scene, parentheses, for killing a snake, which is understandable. What? But the guy doesn't know how to handle situations tactfully. He's a husky short guy. He puffs up his chest, puts his hand over his gun, starts raising his voice every time he talks to someone.

Like, if he made the drug bust of the year. A lot of people were annoyed by the guy. End of review. What in the actual fuck has happened to you? I know. It was like, yeah yeah my eight month old was babbling this guy killed a snake anyway the park ranger was like threatening was drawing his gun pull out his gun i mean you know i'm it's so great it's so silly he's not a real officer even though

he's like pulling a gun out of his holster jesus christ i do feel like park rangers have a lot more responsibility and a lot more power than... They get a bad rap because it's like... Well, okay, to be fair, we got pulled over by a park ranger at that Mammoth Cave visit. And the ticket was like $360. It's legit. Yeah, they take stuff very seriously in those parks. Way more expensive than when you're not in a national park.

But yeah, I feel like... This poor guy... It sounds like this guy is being surrounded by sheer mayhem. This is scary. Like sheer mayhem. Someone killed a snake. And bats are flying out. Bats at the same time.

Like I was reading this, I'm like, what is going on in this cavern? Honestly, I would be hiding behind this man and his puffed out chest and his weapon. Because it sounds like there are snakes, there are bats, there babbling and snake killers there's snake killers one step up from snakes yeah i just love like it's understandable that he killed a snake no no i think i'm like the first time i thought it was that oh i think he was saying why he was mad threatened to arrest a man and made made a huge scene for killing a snake, which is understandable. Oh, okay. Gotcha. But the guy doesn't know how to show tact, basically.

He should have been more tactful when the guy stepped on that snake and murdered it. As bats flew all around us. Will you keep your composure, please? I mean, to be fair, yes, he probably should be tactful. It sounds like a new low budget horror film like the crows have eyes yeah the bats have eyes and then the lights go off and then the lights are off there's a i mean it's a snake i mean my god this is scary i was super into the idea of going to carlsbad until this very moment i think maybe i'll pass on that because yeah i feel like

bats are i will say i don't know if you came across this, but a lot of people complained about the lack of bats. Yes. Which is just an odd thing in my mind to complain about. Like, I mean, I love bats. But it just seems like, I guess maybe people have an image of a cave and they want to see bats hanging. Yeah. I don't know. And they talked about bats on our tour

and said that there are specific bat tours that you can take only for bat lovers only for bat lovers um to like almost guarantee you get to see a bat um and he said on our tour that we went on there are rarely bats because it's like popularly yeah all the people are walking and they turn on the lights so it like makes sense that there wouldn't be bats but he said there's something really cute tiny bats my eight-month-old wants to see a bat i know me too god was the park ranger saying to the person your eight-month-old doesn't seem interested in bats that's what i gathered yeah okay he told me to leave with my eight month old because he was babbling randomly told me it didn't look like he was interested and it's time to leave

um ma'am i'm really good at reading body language and i can tell this eight month old is just not having it with these bats there's not room for for non-bat lovers on this tour so true wow well to be fair if a man putting a hand on his gun told me to leave uh no matter what the scenario i think i would just be bye-bye yeah there all right here's a redemption this is also from germ day man's cave is the name of the cave it's a five star review by william okay and it includes a photograph so i I'm going to send you the picture. It's five stars with a photo and it just says, Gianna. Okay. Okay.

Now, just a note from Germ here. It says, this one confused me at first between the typo and the photo of what looked to just be a random tree. Now I'm going to send you this photo. Okay, please. And we'll see if you can uh parse what's happening oh my god do you know what it is it's not a monitor lizard or something it's a goanna or an iguana oh similar similar wording i thought giana and i thought oh they meant to say iguana but i guess goana is a is a an animal in

australia oh my god how do you spell that g-o-a-n-n-a and the review said g-i-a-n-n-a which i believe is a woman's name yeah so oh goana is a type of lizard holy shit oh it's just wow i just like that they were trying to just write goanna five stars and like give a little it's like five stars all the way oh my god wait i might have been right by the way what because like a lot of goannas are monitor lizards like there are different kinds of monitor lizards um but you were wrong about trying to get to the bottom of this review. Oh, yeah. Always. But your taxonomy is correct. Maybe. I don't understand.

There are different layers of these lizards. I don't know where Monitor is, and I don't know where Goanna is on those layers. I don't really need to know about layers of lizards. They're cute. But we could add that to our podcast roster. I love when they run. But they run so fast, so it's very scary. It's very frightening because they have love when they run but they run so fast so it's like very scary frightening but they look so silly yeah that's what they sound like yep that's all i got

time for my challenge uh this was a challenge uh sent in by m who was inspired by the challenge about soaps it was mahailey. Mahaley. Oh, sorry. No, I said M because Mahaley signed it M. Yeah. But then I met Mahaley. Oh, you did. At the book signing in Austin. Oh.

But Mahaley, I said like, oh, I just used your challenge. And they were like, oh, my God, I fell asleep before the end of the episode. So I didn't hear it. That's hilarious. But signed it. So I said, I'm going to make it clear that this was from my haley okay well thank you my haley uh for this lovely challenge it was lots of fun did i say what it is yet no find reviews of businesses where customers mention the bathroom decor right positive or

negative uh and here's my haley's example to start i have no idea what this is of but that's okay it doesn't matter. There's pictures. A picture. Here's a five-star review. I have not tried the pizza here, but this was coolest bathroom I've ever been in. Playing the jams, disco ball spinning, and super clean. Who likes to potty? P.S.

Staff was very friendly. End of review. Staff was very friendly, even when they had to drag me out of the bathroom because I was no longer welcome in the store. It was literally like a mirror selfie with a disco ball going. Looks like fun. Who likes to potty? Who likes to potty? Wow. We like to potty.

We like to empty ourselves. And then Mahaley says, P.S. Potty rockers in the house tonight lmfao so good okay so that's a great start what's lmfao mean again um oh my god love or wait loving my friends and others yes so good okay so good i also like that they said i haven't tried the pizza here which means like have you not eaten there you just are in the bathroom okay sure whatever oh my god okay it's so funny so this was an interesting challenge because a lot of the things i found were pictures and people just posting pictures of the bathroom decor right

um so it wasn't and it wasn't always like very interesting. And then a lot of people left long reviews and just happened to mention. So I'm going to like read some abridged versions of reviews that talk about the bathroom decor. So here is one. This is of Half and Half Tea Express. This is in Monterey Park, California. This is a five-star review. It's literally like a hallway,

but good news, they have outdoor seating. Bad news, there's only two tables out there. There's only one bathroom stall, and it's co-ed. But once you're inside the bathroom, all of a sudden, it's like you walked into a boba club. There's a chandelier on the ceiling and the music is blasting in there when you come back out you wonder what happened because the music is now playing at a normal decibel and oh my god it sounds like you've entered like a

liminal space and then like entered a parallel dimension the way they just said you don't even know what happened to you also when i heard boba club i was thinking like what's a boba club and then i remembered it's like a tea spot okay i was like am i the only one who doesn't know what a boba club is no don't know this is the world's first and only boba club got it uh my next one is of uh maps bar maps maps bar in portland maine and this is actually a picture and let me show you the picture okay there's the bathroom oh it looks haunted and it says strange little door to who knows where in the woman's bathroom oh i told you it looks how skinny that weird door is creepy looking and there looking. And there's a picture of Elvis above the toilet. Is that supposed to be a sign?

And then there's like what I assume to be the London Underground map on one side. This feels like an escape room, doesn't it? Yes. Yes, 100%. You're sort of like, there's dots on the map. You're supposed to figure out... So true. A mysterious stain on the concrete floor oh my god

you turn the elvis portrait 90 degrees and some light turns on creepy right man that little creepy door is so odd there's something about like misshapen doors that are just troubling to me also like i've only been to portland main once but everything was so old and very stephen king ass yeah not everything but the places i went and I feel like that fits the vibe for sure. Yeah. Creepy little door. Creepy little door. My next one is a-

Do you think they opened it? Sorry. I saw- They might have tried. I assume it's like a closet, Kirsten, with toilet paper. I just think it's really silly if you're like, door to who knows where, and you never even- They might have. It might have just been locked.

Wouldn't you say it's locked? They probably don't want to admit on the page, on the business's Yelp page that they tried to get through this door. Yeah, that's fair. They could get arrested for that, I guess. Sure. I think that would be a little, little much. I'm just saying. But I wouldn't put it past law enforcement.

Okay. My next one. Ranger whatever the hell is going to come over there with this gun. Okay, my next one is... Ranger whatever the hell is going to come over there with his gun. Oh, no. Have you killed a snake in here? Also, it's probably full of bats, so... Oh, true. Okay, my next one is of Hoof and Vine in Midvale, Utah.

Killed a snake in here sounds like something you do in a bathroom. Like a euphemism. Who killed a snake in here? So true. Oh no, I drowned a snake. I knew you were going to say that. I hate you for it. I could have said something much worse and I didn't and I'm holding on to it but I'm not saying it. Good. So here's a four star review

of Hoof and Vine in Midland or something Utah, what did I say? Sure. The bathroom. Now, the bathroom took the restaurant from a three-star to a four-star. The bathroom was clean. They had available cleaning wipes.

Who knows when you may need them. Flossers, bobby pins, pads, tampons. They win the Women's Bathroom Award hands down. End of reveal. Whoa. Exciting. Not the Women's Bathroom Award hands down. End of reveal. Whoa. Exciting. Not the Women's Bathroom Awards. That sounds fun.

I'll be there. I don't think you're invited. Fair. I can't argue with that one. Trophy for who killed a snake in here. The Women's Bathroom. I love when people get so excited about about yeah the bathroom yeah i don't know why well i'm excited when people have excitable bathrooms you know i'm excited when i guess

excitable is not are having right there but you know what i mean good time yes uh my next one i've marked as being disappointing uh this is a taqueria la huasteca wait you marked it yes i i this is a disappointing review i'll explain okay i was disappointed by this you were disappointed i didn't know if they were disappointed or you were disappointed this is in dallas texas the fruiteria slash taqueria combo is a great idea now my next comment may seem unusual but the decor in the bathroom overpowers the decor inside the actual restaurant oh my god review but we don't have a picture oh i couldn't find a picture of it no christina i don't know maybe i was just being stupid but like what is the place you said something i can't repeat i mean i, I don't mean... Wait, was I not supposed to say that?

No, like, the interior is, like, very, like, vibrant and colorful, but I don't know what... Oh, you can't find the bathroom. The bathroom looks like... Oh, man. I'm, like, so upset because the inside of this place looks great. Well, you'd think if it were that overpowering, someone would have taken a photo. Yeah. And everything in here, there's a lot of photos of the inside i guess if it's like a shared bathroom though you maybe shouldn't be taking photos in there i don't know depending on

i'm sure that people were there i don't think that would stop everybody i have been tempted to take photos in bathrooms but then realize that there are other people around that's probably not an okay thing to do i mean there's none on google either damn this is very disappointing right it overshadows no overpowers powers that's an intense way to use that phrase someone can someone please go and let us know does anyone live in san jacinto is that where it is san jacinto california I found it in, I think this was Dallas, Texas. Oh, shit. Oh, it's a different one. Oh my gosh. I was at the wrong one.

Can you imagine if you found it and were like, this is boring bathroom. This bathroom has nothing. Alexander. You found it? I found part of it. I found the sink. What's the sink look like? I mean, I can tell it's a sink, which I feel like is a good step.

look like um i mean i can tell it's a sink which i feel like is a good step uh because it doesn't seem that outrageous but oh it's different it's like not at all what i expected no it looks like that bowl they make your guacamole in oh god i'm not kidding yeah it's sort of like a stoneware yeah bowl it is yeah you're totally right i just zoomed in a different angle no you're totally right it is like that same kind of stoneware yeah it looks like a uh this a mortar yeah mortar and pestle yeah thing that's what it looks like to me um so there are a couple people have taken pictures of the sink so that must be like the wildest part of the bathroom yeah okay that's kind of fun though there are a lot of pictures of the sink and i mean it looks cool so i mean it doesn't seem that overpowering i mean you'd have to be in there i guess i will say like if

i were eating guacamole at my table and then i went to go wash my hands in the bathroom into a guacamole at the bowl i'd be like huh i don't know it makes me feel a little odd but guacamole comes out of the tap too how great would that be what if it's just lemon juice and then you rub your eye jesus sorry well i don't know why i love picturing this i don't know why i rubbed my eye okay i have a review of milwaukee cafe um where do you think this is? San Jacinto, California. No. It's in Biarritz, France. Okay.

Oh, my God. I was like... Is that your next guess? I was like, yeah. I was like, it can't be in Milwaukee. That's way too stupid. Yes. I feel like you wouldn't have asked, but I was not going to guess France.

I'll tell you that much. So there were no pictures of this, but I just thought this was kind of cute. It's Milwaukee Cafe, Bierwitz, France. Four stars. Friendly and patient staff for those of us that speak little to no French. Nice touch with the Milwaukee decor in the bathroom. Wish they would have had some cafe merchandise. End of review.

Oh my gosh. So like, I don't know what that means milwaukee decor but i'm hoping they mean like milwaukee wisconsin decor i sure do too like just cheese curds like i don't know what else is like green bay packers everywhere cheese head merchandise which is pretty hysterical if you're thinking it's in the context of france yeah i i don't even know like milwaukee i feel like if i had to guess it would that would be how it would have like native american origins and sure even like related to france remotely well here i found uh this article on visit milwaukee.org, which says, Milwaukee has a long and storied connection to French culture.

And then this other one says, Milwaukee's European roots are French. Three and a half years ago in 16... Three and a half years ago in 1674. Wait, what? I said three and a half years ago in 1674. I meant three and a half centuries ago in 1674 i meant three and a half centuries ago in 1674 a frenchman named jacques marquette uh showed up anyway so uh it sounds like milwaukee is a french town by origin but so i don't know if that means that the french restaurant has milwaukee it's like such a twist like you

usually think a french restaurant in milwaukee with french decor milwaukee decor is very specific yeah but the inside is like super cute like it doesn't look milwaukee themed at all um there's like a bike on the wall that seems with plants more french than exactly like that's the thing the whole thing is very french yeah but apparently the bathroom isn't but there are no pictures oh the bathroom Exactly. That's the thing. The whole thing is very French. But apparently the bathroom isn't, but there were no pictures. Oh, the bathroom. Okay, right. Yeah, it's the bathroom. And I just thought it was kind of cute, the idea that they had a Milwaukee-themed bathroom.

A nod to Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Anyway, I thought that was cute. Very cute. I've got one more. This one is a stretch, a little different than the other ones, but I felt it needed to be included. That's really what matters, is what you feel. I don't even know if this has to do with the bathroom. I forget.

But, oh, yeah, it does. Fuck. This was wild. This reminds me very much of my Park Ranger review, just like I had to bring it. This is a two-star review of The Pan. This is a place in Long Beach, California. Here we go. Have you seen Mrs. Doubtfire?

Yes. Okay. You have not. I have not. And there's a reference in here that I don't get, so people are going to be mad at me. I probably won't get it either because it's been decades since I've watched it. Here we go. The food here is amazing, but not worth it

if the service is bad. My girlfriend and I waited 45 minutes for a table. Soon as we were seated, the server said that the wait will be longer than usual due to two large parties and that the cooks were behind. Whatever. So we ordered, but wanted our drinks right away. My girl ordered an iced

mocha latte, but had to choose caramel instead because she said they were out of mocha. And I ordered a vanilla cappuccino. My cap was filled halfway and tasted like cardboard with no whipped cream shaking my head. Hold on. I know, Christina. I don't know if that's the Mrs. Doubtfire reference. It's not, right? I don't think so.

Okay. I didn't know if that's the one but a cappuccino is not meant to be filled all the way yeah and does not have whipped cream on it that is yeah it's not meant to be okay i i'm on the starbucks i've read it so i see all sorts of shit that customers complain about and they're like in an attempt to get a free latte basically they're like oh can i have a cappuccino with oat milk? Oh, they usually fill it to the top with oat milk. That's literally a latte. So we're like, whatever, but I wanted to change my drink to a red coffee.

The coffee came back lukewarm. Y'all, at this point, I'm like, whatever. So as we are sitting there patiently, we noticed one of the bussers was cleaning the tables and picking up stuff off the floor and taking other customers plates away but so we was setting the table with new silverware i'm like cross contamination hello are you stupid or what he continued and the amount of time we spent in there he kept the same gloves of the whole time sorry the spelling is all over the place. Yeah, you don't say. I mean, I can gather that. Okay, so now this is the Mrs. Doubtfire reference. Well, they say parentheses Doubtfire after, so I assume that's what that means. They say the whole time.

The whole time. The whole time. That's it. Parentheses Doubtfire? Parentheses Doubtfire. Oh, Lord. Hell if I know. I don't know.

Maybe it was that he was. I just feel like nobody has watched the whole time i don't know maybe i don't know i've never seen this i mean honestly if that's it i'm really amazed that you got the reference and i didn't but like who has seen that movie enough times to be able to plenty this is a very this is a favorite for many people christina really yeah? Yeah. That kind of doesn't age well, though. Oh, really? I mean, I know the plot, yes. But still, it's one of those that when I tell people I haven't seen, they're very surprised. And some have been upset by it.

As a kid, I definitely probably saw it more than once. But now, I'm not like, I got a hankering for Mrs. Doubtfire. It's like that. Like, Hocus Pocus is another one I never saw. Well, yeah, but that's a seasonal one. Yeah. I don't't know i don't know i don't know i'm i'm skeptical oh well it doesn't matter here's the next part then this little girl comes out of the restroom crying in pain because the bathroom door fell on her i'm like what in the world is going on me too yeah i've had that happen we've talked about that it wasn't

even about it was like it wasn't it was just a giant door was so big not attached and i mean like a full-size wooden ass giant door like not plywood not like the cheapo home depot like in from a house that was built in 1910 or something the door door. Crushed me. You just pull. I watched it happen. That was shocking. I remember when it happened. Shocking. It flattened you.

It was scary. I sat on the bed, and I remember it so vividly. Me too. And you pulled the handle, and I screamed, Alexander. And then it just flattened you like a pancake. And I just sat there, and my first thought was he's dead i thought you i was like he's dead i just watched the door crush him yep you were like three oh my and then i screamed bloody murder uh for mom to drag you from underneath the door man it was alarming good

times it was alarming anyway so now this little girl has the same experience i feel like one day you're uh you're what do you call it wiki hat what do they call it when they make like a fan page for for like podcasters or like public figures yeah a wiki i don't know not a wiki how yeah but what are they called oh fandom yeah oh okay yeah like one of these fandom pages i feel like yours is gonna have the information that you've never watched mrs doubtfire and a door fill on you the amount of times we talk about that it seems like yeah it's like such canon that it's true everyone's gotta be it's gotta be up there it's really one of the most important things

about you i'll never stop talking you'll never stop talking about the door end of story yeah true it's my job okay then this little girl comes out of the restroom crying in pain because the bathroom door fell on her i'm like what in the world is going on firefighters running in and out of the building i felt like the servers were not in tuned with their customers at all plus that poor little girl was crushed by the door, shaking my head. Then our server had the nerve to wait and watch us give her a tip. Bye, girl, bye.

You're bye. You are in the negative. We need to calculate your mistakes. The food was bomb, though. End of review. What in the world? I don't know. Did he get crushed by a door?

I think he needs to go to... He might have been doing the crushing. I think he needs to go. He might have been doing the crushing. I think he needs to go do a concussion test because I don't really understand the end of that. I have no idea what happened here. I love the very self-centered attitude of, man, it just felt like they weren't really in tune with their customers while there are firefighters and an emergency happening and a door falling on a child. Yeah. But like they really didn't pay much attention to me or didn't like they weren't on the same wavelength yeah they had a different definition of what a cappuccino was yikes uh did you hear about in that movie um mrs delphi uh the one about uh we work did you watch that not all of it i don't think there was a part where

yeah i think it was we work where the guy who ran it had like an a potential investor and at the we work headquarters there was a barista they had like a little cafe set up and the guy he was a journalist or an investor i don't remember and he went to order a latte and uh the guy who ran we work was like i'll have my usual a cappuccino and then when they handed the drinks out the names were switched on them and so the guy was like oh i think they got them mixed up and he's like no no this is my cappuccino and it was like a latte and it turns out that he had always called that a latte and so he made them like switch they just had to switch the menu so if you order a latte it was a cappuccino and vice versa because he had just always

thought that to be true and the rest of the staff were like okay i guess that's just not gonna like that's now a cappuccino yeah so the guy they were like you just have to drink your latte and pretend it's a cappuccino um anyway that's what that makes me think of like amazing just go along with it i totally believe that happened you know like that sounds story is cuckoo uh it's like the most silicon valley bullshit ever just like reinventing the name of it um anyway so wow yeah i feel like this is reminiscent of the bat and snake killer cave fiasco. That's what I was saying. It's like, what the hell's going on?

It's so much. I don't know who's in the right. Maybe no one's in the right. It's like mayhem. It's mayhem. It's truly mayhem. And he's just sitting in the middle with his, quote, cappuccino and asking for attention. Yeah.

Man. She had the nerve to watch me give her a tip yeah that was terrible what yeah oh man alexander she should have at least closed her eyes true when i gave it to her um that's it that's it yeah that was my last one i was getting really into these yeah no it was fun i had lots of fun with it i sometimes i just love our challenges they're so fun yeah me too speaking of which we don't have a theme yet we don't have a theme yet but like i think the the i'm checking for the top one from patrons and it looks like the top theme suggestion is reviews of towns with lewd names and they included they included a thrillist article that had like apparently um there's pp township in ohio how do we not know about that bro hard in west virginia

as people who went to middle school in ohio how have we never heard of pp township that's shocking to me we are the pp township um can we talk about this pp township no i'm sorry i googled like to see if we had like those fandom articles and there's something called everybody wiki.com and the first sentence of my it's like a knockoff wikipedia and it says christine is the daughter of German immigrants. Christina, that's something you'd see at a maritime museum or something. Some sort of information on like... Oh, it's cracking me up. It says it's from Wikipedia, but I don't think it is from Wikipedia. That's hilarious. The daughter of German immigrants.

That's funny. that's hilarious the totter of german immigrants that's funny it's so like it's just a wild way to start a start my biography yeah okay so funny um anyway so we don't so that so the lewd names is going to be in the next patreon patreon poll with whatever we bring up as well uh but i do have a challenge for you this is from kelly your challenge is to find reviews using the phrase the only redeeming quality oh no and have the other guess what the product could be oh that's fun okay so yeah so okay okay okay find reviews with phrase the only redeeming quality yep okay i'm sending this to you so that it's in both of our text messages. Oh, nice. Okay, good. I see.

We should probably do that from now on since I always just end up asking you anyway. That is very good. Okay, can't wait. Can't wait. Can't wait. Me too. All right, well, I guess we'll talk to you all soon. Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. See ya. Bye.