Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 215: Reviews of Buffet Restaurants

Episode Date: January 11, 2023

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Offer ends June 30th, 2024. New eligible clients only. Complete criteria by August 30th, 2024. Visit rbc.com slash student 100. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet. A podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. All right, back to business, back to basics. Basics? There's nothing basic about this show. Mind the gap. How are you doing? I'm doing okay. How are you doing?

Welcome back. Thank you. To Kentucky. Thank you. I'm so excited to be here with you now. Me too. Anyway. What's today's episode on? Let me check.

Jimmy Buffett or something? I wish. Buffet restaurants. Oh, close. Came out of my own stupid head. Yeah, no. What about Jimmy Buffett restaurants? Now, Margaritaville.

Yeah, we would love to do an episode on that. That is a good one. Let's write that down. Are you joking? No. Pretty sure we did that. Oh, yeah, we did, didn't we? I thought this was a bit we were doing.

Okay. Whoops. It was, and it was very funny't we? I thought this was a bit we were doing. Okay. Whoops. It was, and it was very funny. We can all agree it was very funny. First quick announcement. Yep. We've got a pin for sale. Very exciting stuff.

Pearl necklace. Well, it's not actually a pearl necklace. Neither of the types. It's a pin. What if we sold jewelry? Freshwater pearls. Oh, God. I'm sorry if you if you hear clonking in the distance geo is currently wearing a big cone because he has an ouchie on his foot but he walks up

he looks so goofy when he walks up the stairs he hits he hits his poor cone on every single step so it's like clunk clunk oh hi buddy thanks for joining us gg um anyway yeah so we've got a pin uh it links in the description and it's our morality never goes out of style pin with a pearl necklace only the best i love it i love it i love it um so that's a new uh bi-monthly pin who knows what that was about i? I forget. You know. It was very funny. Funny stuff. In the moment, it was very funny. It was really funny.

We don't remember much that happens on this show. Yeah, true. But go to bit.ly slash beach2sandyshop, I think. That doesn't sound right. That sounds great. Okay. I'll be sure to make that link tonight if it doesn't already exist. It's actually bit.ly slash beach to sandy merch what did you

say i said shop that's not right that sounds better that's never been right that's nothing it sounds better um now time to talk about buffet restaurants yeah buffet buffet i did ask speaking of buffet uh i did ask dad oh no uh his views well, or if he had any favorites. Did he correct how you pronounce buffet? No, he didn't. He didn't? No, and he started saying it buffet. No, he didn't.

Yeah, he did. Wow. He's a changed man. Honestly. He's grown since he moved to Florida. As most people do, I would say. Yeah. Very common occurrence.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But no, yeah. And he was just telling me about the reasons he doesn't like buffets. And they were very valid, but I didn't get much information. Okay. You didn't get much information? No, I didn't get anything from him. So none of his favorite haunts are...

I mean, he does love like a... He loves like a classic chain. So it's not about the fact that it's a chain restaurant. He does not like Golden Corral. Before you, right. Before you showed up in Florida, I was there with Blaze and Leona and dad immediately took us to a cheesecake factory. Really?

Yeah. And I said, huh? He's a gift card. Actually, what I said was, hell yeah. But Blaze and I looked at each other like, this is odd. But, um. Yeah. He would take me like P.F.

Chang's and stuff. Yeah, he likes an Outback Steakhouse. He likes those like mid to upper chain kind of level of food. But only like you said, if he has a gift card. Yeah, and he has lots. And he does have gift cards. Anyway. Anyway, what are we talking about? Buffets.

Do you want me to start? Yeah, please. Because I've got one that will ease us right into it. Great. Okay, this is a quick one. This one was sent in by Leah, she, her, who sent in a review of Sakura Garden in Glastonbury, Connecticut. Glastonbury.

Glastonbury, thank you. You'rebury. Glastonbury, thank you. You're welcome. My friends that live there. Oh, nice. Not at the Sakura Gardens. Does that sound like a fancy apartment complex, though? Maybe it is. It might be.

You know, I don't know. Here we go, because this review might apply. Could apply, okay. I don't know why, but this is a review written by Alex, one star. Wouldn't recommend. On the toilet right now as we speak.

End of review. No. Talk about the exact vibe of this whole theme. I thought that was a quick one. Sum it all up. It's kind of like an umbrella review. Yeah, we can pretty much end it here. Yeah.

One review. To the person who sent it in, I couldn't bring myself to use it, but I'm going to talk about it briefly. Oh, great. It had a picture of a used, a toilet after something was deposited into it. No.

Yes. What the F? Yeah. Anyway. Even Stinky Boy wouldn't. I think that was a golden corral. And I specifically didn't want to do golden corrals. Yeah.

Just because we had done a golden corral episode. Right. And you know our fans. They're going to really hold us accountable. It's true. I'm really upset by what you just told me. Yeah. See, I wanted to incorporate it into the episode somehow to upset you.

Right. Sure. But I didn't want to read the whole thing. That was pretty. A lot less work for me. Yeah. But still, you get the experience of being really upset. Oh, no, no.

I knew I know you'd find them and hunt them down and, you know, give them shit for it. I was like, finish a sentence what would i do get it pun intended so this is from that's a pun double entendre you spend too much time with dad okay this is a review sent in by maddie she her this is of the china plus buffet ready oh i'm ready this is where is this do we know little rock oh the email title that maddie sent the the subject is horrifying little rock buffets and there were oh multiple multiple and i've brought multiple to the table all right so like i said this is I said, this is China Plus Buffet. This is a one-star review by Tom. I've been eating here since a kid. I've always loved this restaurant, but as of today,

I'm no longer eating here. I ordered combination rice and to my surprise, the peas were not done. I got over it because people make mistakes. Round of applause. it because people make mistakes. Oh, round of applause. Unfortunately, though, they have a point. A lot of people wouldn't get over that. There's so many people who'd get so upset. So I should give them some credit, but I love how they pat themselves on the back. Okay. But the thing is, like of all foods that I've ever cooked, peas are probably the only one I would not have a problem cooking. Like I feel like it's the only thing you can't really undercook.

Aren't they crunchy? Like don't they start crunchy? I don't know. I guess I never tried. But like. Like a lentil. Even a frozen pea takes like three minutes to cook. Yeah, I don't know what an undercooked pea is because I feel it would be rock hard.

It just seems like something. Now that I'm saying all of this, I don't know what an undercooked pea is because I feel it would be rock hard. It just seems like something that... Now that I'm saying all this, I don't know shit about peas, actually. I mean, if it's frozen, maybe it's crunchy. No, only the freshest at this place. Oh, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. As you will see at the end of this review. Okay, so... Do they have a picture of the food after it's been digested?

Oh, no. Thank God. I've seen some of that already. I've seen too much. Check out our Instagram. Well, wait till we get reinstated if we ever do, because I'm sure if we ever post something like that, Instagram will take us down. Okay. I got over it because people make mistakes.

I put the food up for later, and when I came back to eat it, I found scrap metal in my food. What? Okay, still could be fresh scrap metal. This doesn't have anything to do with the freshness. It's rather shiny. Wait, what is scrap metal? That seems so...

From a junkyard? It's just like a tire iron or something. Wait, that's not scrap metal it's like a fender it's a fender of a car just like jammed into the rice he's like never how did this get here he's eating the peas like slightly slightly raw but people make mistakes oh no this sounds terrible i found scrap metal in my. I must admit that the customer service was excellent, but my wife is pregnant, and to be so careless is beyond me.

Oh, no. I don't know what that has to do with anything. That got, yeah, it's kind of bouncing all over the place. I want to show you the scrap metal. Is it at? It's a tiny little piece of what looks to me like aluminum foil got caught in the dish. It looks like? It's not tiny little piece of what looks to me like aluminum foil got caught in the dish. It looks like...

It's not scrap metal. You know what it looks like? What? A shiny bit of a garland or something, you know? Oh, like a tinsel. A tinsel, tinsel, that's it. Yeah. It looks like tinsel.

To me, it looks like somebody was like cutting through aluminum foil and it accidentally got like a little sliver, you know? But I wouldn't call wouldn't that's not as dramatic though you can't say a bit of tinfoil got in my food no you gotta say scrap metal yeah but then don't post a photo yeah oh true you know that makes me think they actually believe that yeah i think they do and like the thing is they didn't they did us a favor because isn't aluminum aluminum's a metal so hey it is hey. It is a scrap of metal. It is a scrap of metal.

Sure. They're not wrong. Technically. I will say they did us a favor because they took a picture of this inside the dish, which means you can use an actual grain of rice for reference, like a size reference. Oh, yes. How many grains of rice? It's smaller than a grain.

It's like the size of, if not smaller than a grain of rice. So again, scrap metal isn't the word that comes to mind. But, again, like you said, literally speaking, it is a scrap of metal. Yeah, you're right. Unless it's tinsel. Regardless, even if it's tinsel, it's a scrap of non-food, most likely. No, it doesn't look edible. It does not look edible.

I wouldn't eat that. I wouldn't either. Yeah. The example that they give on the internet of scrap metal, parts of vehicles, building supplies, and surplus materials. Surplus tinfoil. Listen, surplus tinfoil. A buffet probably has plenty. They better. So anyway, that's my first one.

Thank you, Maddie. That was very, it felt weirdly productive, the way we discussed that one. We did like analyze it in depth. Which is what the people love. Just take it apart letter by letter. My next one is from Lainey. This is of New China Buffet in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. This is a one-star review And this is by Annie

And it starts with three puke emojis, okay? So to set the scene a little bit Picture those three Not actively puking, but sick, about to puke The green face Terrible looking and tasting food. Absolutely no authenticity in any of the food, Asian or American. Honestly, and as honest as I can be, I'm surprised no one has left out in an ambulance from the mere threat of some type of food contamination.

Worst place I've been for Chinese food buffet style. Our immune systems are some of the most Awesomely designed systems God could have ever created Thank you God for having places like this in mind While forming us out of the dust of the earth Pray hands emoji End of review

Oh my god, okay This actively goes against This honestly Wow, I feel I'm shook because Oh my God, okay. This actively goes against, this honestly, wow. I feel, I'm shook because sometimes I think to myself, you know, I'm not, I've kind of left my religious past behind. And by religious past, I mean my upbringing into Catholicism. As have I. Yeah, and sometimes I feel like I wonder, you know, when people think of God, their creator, and how he made the most wondrous miracles on this earth of ours, and then I look around and I see scrap metal or a China Plus buffet or, you know, any number of things, and I go,

do they really think God had all this in mind? And here she goes. Yes. Yes, he did. He knew exactly what he was doing. He was prepared for any sort of E. Coli that might occur. I'm impressed that, um, that she's so committed to this,

you know, she's like, God knew that we would need all of the bacterium in our guts. In order to handle new China buffet in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Wow. He had that in mind, really. Now talk about

being faithful. Seriously. You know, this is a next level shit. It really disproves my whole thing. I can't really criticize it because it's just so, I don't know,

unapologetically. Yes, there's no holes. It's not even like negative. It's just... There's no holes in our argument because her argument is like yep god knew god knew about strip malls 2 000 years ago he was preparing for them yeah it was part of his plan with a capital p yep i'm just so impressed right now it makes me rethink everything isn't it kind of amazing? Yeah, honestly. Like, sometimes when I gaze out at a sunset over the beach, I think, wow, I can understand why people, you know, believe in God.

And then I go, you know, to like literally any other place and I go, never mind. But this one, she's like, no, no. Because you could say some, I don't know, like, yeah, there's so many, I mean, ways you can put God into this without it being so much. I just love that also. It's gone so much that it makes, weirdly makes sense. Yeah, she's like come all the way around the circle, like filled all the holes of the arguments that I would have, you know. I also feel like, wow, she's really leaning into the science. I also feel like, wow, she's really leaning into the science.

Like, oh, are really complex immune systems that God made by hand? Well, yeah, but... He selected all the bacteria... From the dust of the earth. Oh, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. You know, biblical shit. Right, right, right. Okay, so that... I'm more comforted that that was referenced.

My question, I know we're going... we're just hammering into this review. My question is, at what point during this meal was that a thought? Great question. You know? If you start thinking about how powerful your immune system is while you're eating something, you probably should have stopped eating it several bites ago. But thanks to her faith, I think that that's what helped her get through the meal. Yeah.

But also, I wonder if it's every meal, it's like, thank God for this digestive system. Right. And thank God for my, I don't know, using the bathroom. Thank God. You know what? I was going to say, you know, I don't like to be crass, but do you think when she is depositing that she thinks like thank god thank you god for creating my bowels i mean based on this review because this is all we know about this person yeah absolutely let's decide absolutely right here and now everything that happens got it okay this was also from maddie

she her uh this is of the asian grill buffet and this is a one-star review by Lyle. It was so terrible. It looks so awful. To be honest, this place got such a great reputation when about eight years ago. Now, as soon as you walk in, you see wanted signs from past walkouts or like stealers and the tables and seats are so tatered and damaged. Tatered, sorry. You know, dad didn't know what a tater tot was, which is not surprising. Did he not or did he just say he didn't? Sometimes I think he just says things to be contrary. No, no, no.

He didn't even say anything. The woman at the restaurant was, sorry, I don't know why this popped in my head, but it makes sense. I'm not judging him for it. Oh, at the Golden that mellow mushroom okay she was like our sides are blah blah included tater tots he was like what what are tater tots and then i looked at we looked at each other me and the server we looked at each other and i i said i was like how does one explain tater tots did you say that? Yeah. Because I don't know. She's like, that wasn't in my training.

She's like, I've never encountered. And then she gave a great, she's like, it's like a hash brown. But in like a thing. Did he say what? He didn't know what a hash brown was. Of course not. So at that point, what did you do? I saw this coming.

How do you explain a hash brown? This is like in A Wrinkle in Time where Madeline L'Engle. This episode is insane you know by madeline langel what is going on and the child has to explain to an alien an extraterrestrial what's how do you know what i was gonna say you literally told me this like four days ago like four days ago i thought that was blaze It was probably both of us. We were at the bookstore. Yeah, we were.

Yeah, I had to explain the concept of smell. How do you do that? How do you explain a tater tot? It's the same thing. I think it's exactly the same. I'm going to write a book. Okay. It's just going to be you testing different ways to explain it on dad. By the end of the book, he'll still have no idea.

Oh, it's gonna be you'll finally present him one he'll be like this is gross and he'll probably have some german name for him be like oh buffet not buffet now i get it uh tater tots um so here's the thing we skipped right past the part where you see wanted signs on the way in well sorry i was you know why i didn't say anything why because i was gonna bring up the office and we do that we do that we do that way too much but that reminds me of the office if you dine and dash when you end up on like the wall of shame michael does that and he ends up on the wall and like creed's already on there a couple times thing that like people really like stealers do they mean like they mean i think they mean people who walk

out without paying time and dash because because it's so bad walk out yeah i don't know okay anyway and the tables and seats are so tatered and damaged i want to take my father out to eat and this place was open late and i thought it would be great i walked in got a plate but i never ate i ended up talking my dad into walking out that is not a great place for a memory to be made at upside down smiley face oh do you think they're on the wall because it says i convinced him to walk out yeah stealers i think so oh shit no no they said walk outers these people they wouldn't call themselves stealers or walkouts the other people are stealers got it they're different they're just next to each other on the wall.

They're not like the other girls, you know? Oh, sure, sure, sure. They like sports. Yep. And hot dogs. Your turn. Okay. My next one was sent in by Audrey Sheher, who loved seeing us at the Chicago show in October.

Yeah, who didn't? I'm sure who didn't? I'm sure somebody didn't. I actually thought about it. I was telling Dad this. We're obsessed with our dad. We just spent five days in a row, four days with our dad. We literally lived under his roof for five days straight.

And I was telling Dad about this because he brought up the Chicago show and he's glowing reviews. Great. He says that we blew his expectations brought up the Chicago show and he's glowing reviews. Great. He says that we blew his expectations out of the water. And he said his expectations were like normal, but he said it was so great. Like he said it was really great. He had only good things to say. And I was telling, and he brought up, we were talking about something he had watched, some

actor talking about being on stage and stuff. And he talked about about getting that immediate feedback from an audience. And I was telling him that I remember there was two people sitting in my eyeline. And the whole time, for some reason, whenever I looked over at them, they weren't laughing or smiling. So the whole time in my head i was like these people are miserable you know who you are yeah they were miserable guess what what i think i think that yeah they got vip they were so nice and so excited so happy to meet us so they had the best time and i just felt like an idiot were those ones that gave us a list of um of ways to improve like list of ways to improve. Like, list of improvements. They were like, this joke, I punched it up for you.

I punched it up. Yeah. Yeah. No. Okay. No, that's what was shocking. That was dad who did that. Yeah.

But yeah, I don't know. I don't know what this... This is a tangent central today. Yeah. Anyway, back to Audrey, though, who probably was not that person. Maybe, though. I don't know their name. Could be.

Could be. was not that person. Maybe, though. I don't know their name. So here is a review sent in by Audrey of Sawa's Old Warsaw Restaurant. Whoa. Which I believe is in Illinois somewhere. Oh, yeah, yeah. In Broadview, Illinois.

And I mainly brought it for the owner response, okay? Okay. So this is a one-star review, and it was written by Thumbelina, one star. Oh, sure. I ordered food for Christmas. The food was frozen, which they told us.

They said you must boil the dumplings and pierogies, which I did. The minutes put the dumplings in, it all turned to mush. You ruined my Christmas, and I will never order from you guys again. And you forgot to give me my sauerkraut and my beef and my gravy thanks for ruining my holiday thumbelina they signed it oh sure yeah here's a response from owner right i can't wait do you know how to cook kind of response kapow kapow got him Got him. Got him. There was another one that I almost brought, but it was pretty similar to a complaint about refills costing money or something and saying they'll never return.

And the owner response was just the word, okay. It was just so funny. I love the calm nature of the response. It's not like, good, we don't want you. It's just like, sure. It's like good riddance. It's not like good we don't want you it's just like like good riddance it's just like okay what you want oh do you know how to cook of your life okay yeah this is an email from blake she they who says the ponderosa closest to my house. Are you familiar with Ponderosa? No.

It's a steak chain. People were talking about it, I think, on Patreon after we talked about this. But yes, it looks like it's an all-you-can-eat steak one. You know what? Honestly, this dad brought up a steak buffet. Okay. I had never heard of one. He probably, or Sizzler, maybe.

Is that steak or is that pizza? Sizzler. I think that's steak. That's in LA. I know it or Sizzler maybe. Is that steak or is that pizza? Sizzler. That's, I think that's steak. That's in LA. I know it's Sizzler. I'm familiar with that. I think that's steak. But yeah, Ponderosa is a steakhouse.

Same idea. Gross. Okay, cool. Well, so I'm just going to read the review and then I'll give you a little more insight after that. So this is a two-star review by Mr. A of a Ponderosa in Ashland, Virginia. This franchise has not aged well. I'm surprised it made out of the 80s. My mother-in-law likes it, so I'm forced to eat here from time to time. And my biggest complaint is that they use way

too much salt. Some of the food there is so salty that it tastes like it was a mistake, except the next time I come back, it's the same. It's salt on the level never seen before. If you have a high blood pressure or taste buds, you will not enjoy this experience. On an interesting side note, this place was made famous by the DC sniper who took a shot at someone in the parking lot and put a hole through the front window. So that makes it a historical landmark. End of review. Jesus. You don't just drop that on us, reviewer. So Blake had written in the email,

the Ponderosa closes to my house is now closed because it was a stop? Made by the DC sniper. And then they wrote, he tried to shoot someone at it. IDK if he succeeded. That's your job, Christine. Oh my God. Oh my God. wrote he tried to shoot someone at it idk if he succeeded that's your job christine oh my god and then they said and that's all i ever knew about it growing up and it made me too scared to ever go the more you know good you know healthy blake wow what a fucking a ponderosa

near your house that's like the last place you expect to be like suddenly blasted in a national headlines honestly i could probably come up with some weirder places you're right i said that was a ponderosa steakhouse i said it i and i realized i think that sounds pretty pretty not not yeah you know you know it's sad jesus christ um i have that one from katie that you've never Oh, sad. Jesus Christ. I have that one from Katie that you've never read before. Great. This is a one-star review of Country Kitchen in Christiansburg, Virginia. I put it in my notes last night.

I haven't read it since then, so I genuinely don't remember it. Yeah, same, actually. I don't know what I'm about to read. What a fun surprise for both of us. But I marked it as one I want to read. Okay, great. This is a review by Sir Ridgemont. Sure. One star.

The fuck, Sir Ridgemont? I'm just being shit up. One star. You are not allowed to blow your nose in this place, no matter how much the pepper makes it run. End of review. Wait, wait, wait, wait. First of all, that is not the review I have.

Oh, really? Dead serious. Oh. What is happening at this country? Maybe Katie sent multiple emails. Oh, maybe. Smart, Katie. Or not, because she really sent us into a tizzy here.

I am tizzled. I'm tizzled all the way to the moon and back. So, hold on. Rewind. Let's get back to, hold on. Rewind. Let's get back to, let's see Katie's situation. What's a rickaroo? Rickaroo?

Mm-hmm. Rickaroo? Okay. What's happening in this country kitchen? Because I also took a review from this from Katie. It's the exact same location. Yeah, that's disturbing. i'm sorry is this person trying to blow their nose or their mat or they're telling someone else stop blowing your nose in this establishment oh no no they they were wanted they i the way i read it

they blew their nose and someone else was like you can't do that here you must not yeah you're being reprimanded you're not allowed to blow your nose in this place, no matter how much the pepper makes it run. No matter how badly you want to. And this was four years ago, by the way. I was about to ask. I know. I know. I knew you were.

I could see that twinkle in your eye. When I want to bring up COVID. Yeah. I'm sure. I'm sure that's what it is. It's not just like a deadened glaze that comes over me. Twinkle. Twinkle.

Twinkle. Twinkle for sure. Call me Thumbelina. No, I will not do you think it was one of those people who just so out like makes blowing their nose a whole spectacle oh sir richmond sir i mean with the name with his fucking uh embroidered handkerchief that says sr okay yep he was knighted and he just yeah by the way everyone there's nothing there's no sir there's no richmond in this person's name okay well i was confused in case anyone actually thought i i'm calling i'm just using their actual name i'm just thrilled about this because now i

have a review of the country kitchen i'm glad too which seems like it's like quite a place. Oh, absolutely. A sight to behold. Yeah. So this is a review, a three-star review and the user here, I'm just going to read their actual username because it is my phone. So nice. I think they didn't get it. Oh, dad just said, are you available for a four minute phone call? That is so specific. That's very specific. Let me tell him we're recording. He's still gonna, he's gonna be like, perfect. He's gonna be like, great, I have a few things to say.

Okay, so this is from Katie again, Country Kitchen. Three star view by My Phone. It was okay. The only thing was the food was dried out. The best thing in the restaurant was my waitress. was a little hot and sexy nice little treat jeez fuck holy shit imagine if this was the one the guy who's blowing his nose also this is just like so unfortunate to be around just like so unpleasant oh my god that's two sides of a terrible coin it It's bad. It's just a bad coin. Holy cow. It's just a bad coin.

And so, of course, I... Do these people think they're doing a service? Yeah, isn't that? They're like... Do they expect the person to see this? It's a compliment. I don't know. What are they hoping for here?

Looking like a fucking creep online. A little treat. What are they... Stop! Don't repeat it. It sounds like a serial killer. Like, I know. Are these buffets just full of serial killers?

I feel like we've had so much worse, and yet this is making my skin crawl. Make my skin crawl. It's so unsettling. It sounds like something a serial killer would say. Okay, well, yeah. I'm serious. I know you are. It's a nice little treat.

I mean, okay. Now, I went on this guy's profile, which is why I was going to graciously let you read the review, thinking you had the same one. Okay. Now, I went on this guy's profile, which is why I was going to graciously let you read the review thinking you had the same one. Okay. Because then I was going to do the expansion pack. Oh, you were going to deep dive. The expansion pack. So, this expansion pack of my phone, that's the user.

So, this is a review. I just want to see, like, what the vibe was. Because I was like, maybe he was having a weird fucking day when he wrote that oh yeah you know i do that a lot it happens you know every once in a while i have one of those weird days when i just treat women like shit you just suddenly just like in total commodify with yeah yeah it happens you know i get it well leave me alone people it's just one of those weird days i'm in a silly, goofy mood. It's a compliment. Silly, goofy. Oh, boy. Hee hee. I'm just very silly.

So this is a review of Big Red Stores. I don't know what that is. It's a four star. By the same guy, my phone. Not sure if this is the one location that we stopped at, but they had an employee there named Lauren. She was a little short woman. She was the most friendliest employee i ever met in that store we were from out of town and she was really helpful so now he's still this person has to

describe everyone it's that he meets right yeah at least women that he meets women yes who are nice to him do you imagine but hey what if he's if there's a man they just like well i sure didn't find one in the reviews. Well, not yet. Keep refreshing. One day. One day. Google alert. So now. From quotations.

My phone. Yelp. Anywhere in either Virginia or Arkansas, because that seems to be the two places he frequents. Okay. You're going to get my phone in trouble. People know exactly who this is now. We already christiansburg virginia yeah true so now this is a four-star view of shoney's which i don't believe is a buffet yeah by the oh it's not oh i don't know but i have one from show you do um because i i said i have only two more but i

forgot i had another one that i just that i'm okay well this is basically just another review by my phone oh okay of shonies because i was like mine is not by my phone because i read so many because i read so many of his reviews that i felt like i should bring one more of course and you know how he likes to bring up women and stuff so i was like oh what else is there so this this is of Shoney's in Dublin, Virginia. Jury's out if this is a, let's just say it's a buffet restaurant. Okay. Because then it would, then that means he's. I mean, someone.

I don't think it is. But, you know, I looked it up last night. Okay. Well, I think I found this review that I'm going to read. Yeah. It was sent in by 2021. And the reviewer mentioned a buffet. Okay. I love when this happens where we just so they do

have a buffet we just run with oh wait yes it does yeah national buffet day they oh my god you know how i got deleted from twitter because elon musk had a personal dislike toward me and really oh yeah he knows you personally yeah he just you know i'm on his bad side. So instead, I'm on the Beachy Sandy Twitter all the time. And just like running amok with the power of... I'm going to be honest. I had no idea. Oh, I'm just always on there. Oh, good.

I'm glad. Someone's got to be, right? Oh, yeah. I love it. So I just pulled up Shoney's Twitter on the Beachy Sandy account. So this is where things go awry. This hashtag national buffet day, celebrate with all your homestyle favorites from Shoney's all you care to eat fresh food bar.

I like how that it's instead of all you can eat, it's all you care to eat. Yeah. Cause they're like, you better not eat all you can. No, no, no, no, no. That's a money saving measure. They're not saying, they're not saying that you should eat all you can because that means that you would go exactly to your limit. I see. They want you below your limit.

Yeah, and also that way you go home feeling like, okay. And not hating this restaurant. And not hating everything. You tell us, what's your favorite item on our fresh boot? Fresh food? Fresh what? Fresh what? Fresh food bar. Oh bar oh thank god i was nervous i didn't know what was coming next uh thinking emoji and so let me see what people said what okay nobody commented i was like oh i was like why no i was like why can't i see

wait do you know when they posted this? When? Yesterday. It was National Buffet Day. Oh, my God. Are you kidding me? Okay, well, we're recording this a week early, so. I'm looking this up.

Blaze's birthday is National Buffet Day. That's amazing. How did I not know this? And how come Shoney's, I'm just, this is a beautiful moment for me. Wow. I can't believe they tweeted this yesterday. I'm going to like it. What should I write?

I'm on their website because I was going to suggest writing something, but I'm looking at what they have. Well, here's a picture. Oh, here's a picture. Watermelon? Okay. Yeah, say the watermelon. Watermelon. That's vegan.

Strawberry. Oh, are you sure? No. Okay. Mac, say the watermelon. Watermelon. That's vegan. Strawberry. Are you sure? No. Okay. Mac and cheese. Coleslaw? What is this? I don't want to know. Pound cake? Let me read my Shoney's review. Okay, no, no. Let me read it. We can't reply to this tweet yet. We need more reviews about Shoney's. Okay, well, you're going to get some insight.

Yes, as will you from mine. My phone wrote about Shoney's in Dublin, well, you're going to get some insight. Yes, as will you from mine. My phone wrote about Shoney's in Dublin, Virginia. Four stars. Redemption. Finally, a restaurant with ripe fruit. Cantaloupe and honeydew melon so soft to eat and not hard and crunchy. End of review. So I think we have our answer.

That's a good idea, but Christina, I have a review for you. You do. So I'm not going to tell you this person's title. They will drop it for you at the end. Oh, great. Love a person who inserts their title into their Yelp reviews. Always. So here's a three-star review. Me,

Sapphire, Steve, and Austin started out here at 10 a.m. on Saturday. Over the next hour and a half, we chowed down on the breakfast buffet. Eggs, Steve, and Austin started out here at 10am on Saturday. Over the next hour and a half, we chowed down on the breakfast buffet. Eggs, bacon, french toast, biscuits and gravy, sausage links dipped in mayo, Mountain Dew, and so much more.

And now is this sausage dipped in mayonnaise and Mountain Dew? Or sausage dipped in mayonnaise, comma, and Mountain Dew? This is like where the Oxford comma really comes in handy. There is a comma. The Oxford comma exists. Don't worry.

I'm still repulsed by the sausage dipped in mayonnaise, but, you know, whatever. Go on. It was fantastic. Well, as Sapphire, Steve, and me enjoyed good conversation, Austin played on his damn phone, we all started to get the urge to hit the restroom.

Steve, Austin, and I dropped a few gut bombs in the men's room, and God knows what went on with Sapphire and the women's. Anyway, once we got back to the table, it was time for lunch. Just our luck, they'd set stuff out for the lunch buffet. We decided to just stay for that too. We all loaded up on the fried chicken, fried fish, and mac and cheese. While it wasn't as good as breakfast, it filled us up. Negative star because the server let the table run out of mayonnaise twice. Well, it got to be about three o'clock

and we all made another pit stop at the bathroom. And then Sapphire, Steve, and Austin went out to have a cigarette. I went and held the table down because I figured we'd go for round three and stay for dinner. I'm just picturing them literally holding the table down because they're like, you have to leave. You can't be here any longer. I would if you didn't forget my mayo. But this is your punishment. They're like, you ate the entire stock of mayonnaise. We have none left.

When they got back, I traded out with them and had my own smoke break. When I got back, they just put out the meatloaf on the dinner buffet, grabbed up four plates, threw a slab of meatloaf on each of them and brought them back to the table. I scraped the ketchup off mine because the Duke takes his meatloaf with mayo. Went back to sample several different selections over the next few hours. Not a bad dinner, but not the best. To be honest, maybe I was just a little burned out on the place. By the time we got our things together and decided to leave, I looked at my Casio and it read 7.36 p.m.

All in all, it was a fun-filled family day at Shoney's. The Duke will return and possibly up his star rating with a few minor improvements. Hashtag the Duke approves. End of review. I don't know what the actual fuck is going on here. Was this a joke? I have no idea. up his star rating with a few minor improvements. Hashtag the Duke approves. End of review. I don't know what the actual fuck is going on here. Was this a joke? I have no idea.

Is this real? I weirdly think so. This was, did I even say who sent this in? This was sent in by Natasha. She wrote, by the way. Thank you, Natasha. Who deserves full credit. Who said, please spread the good word of the Duke. I.

And I did. I cannot believe this. We started there at 10 a.m it's because of duke's mayonnaise oh oh but like this he has other he calls himself the duke in all of his reviews i think he's trying to make it a thing that he loves mayonnaise i think it's a bit he's doing it's hilarious yeah question mark um but not all i'm like i'm just kind of like going through them a little bit some of them mention mayo but not all interesting just a fascinating character sapphire in the bathroom we all had a smoke break i looked at at my Casio. I eat my meatloaf with mayonnaise. This person is startling. This person is the Duke.

You know what? There's no other way to describe it. Should I put? Okay. So after that context, should I respond to Shoney's and say meatloaf with mayo? Should I say cantaloupe? What did he say? Cantaloupe?

That's kind of boring though. I know, but I think the meatloaf with mayo is probably the way to go, huh? Meatloaf with mayo. Ew. Do it. I'm too gross.

Okay. All right. Meatloaf with mayo. And by the way, like anyone who sees this who follows this Did you submit it. I'm going to write meatloaf with mayo. And by the way, anyone who sees this who follows this... Not yet. Maybe do meatloaf with ketchup scraped off. Scrape the ketchup off.

Add mayo. Someone's going to call the... Shoney's going to call the police. Scrape the ketchup off. There's not even meatloaf in this picture. Couldn't add mayo. Should I do it with the tongue? Smiling tongue face.

Yes, please. I'm glad you're having fun with this. So this is from Izzy, they, them. And this is from a place called Chow King in Smyrna, Georgia. C-H-O-W. Smyrna? Smyrna. So this is a one-star review by Robbie.

A place should be named Chow Jester, because it was a joke and not a good one. There were plenty of options, although all options are subpar. All beef was gray and lighter in color than any of the chicken. Service was good, and that was the only star. End of review. And Izzy, they wrote, I know y'all can't resist a cheap name joke. Yes, especially you. Ouch, I feel very called out about Chow Jester.

Really not clever. Wasn't that good? No. I've heard better. The better ones are when they rhyme yeah true true true child jester is like what are you talking about that doesn't even make sense anyway hmm curious what i have to say is it is a thinker i'm thinking about it unfortunately i'm forcing everyone else to think about it so what do you say about that? nothing

I've got a review from Katie this is my last one this was that other one from that email also in Christiansburg, Virginia this is of Hunan House Christina what? guess who wrote this review?

no my phone I'm not even kidding. Christina, when you said that, I was like, that sounds familiar. We must have had the same emails. Christina, what? Katie, you are really screwing with us here. It's all Katie's fault.

Definitely not your fault. But why would it be my fault? Hey, this was an unread email when I opened it. No, not, well, it wasn't. When did you add this, do you think? What time? What is time, really? No, okay.

I think I added this like at 2 p.m. today or something. 3 p.m., I don't know. Well, it was definitely last night that I did it. Oh, then okay. So then you fucked up. No, I didn't. Okay, hold on. Review for, okay.

Okay. Wait. What's the subject of this email? Okay, this is the one i have it's just one and then katie sent another one the next day yeah that's the one that's the one i'm using uh okay so one was sent at 4 39 p.m and then the next one was sent at 5 p.m interesting so i used the one with only one review in it and you had this whole email. Yes. Okay. Okay. So different emails. So Katie was just so overeager to send.

And I was lucky enough to get the one that had five. Yeah. And I, and both, we were both lucky to experience my phone. I would say we were blessed. Oh, absolutely. When God planned this particular episode of Beach, She's Sending Water to It, as he plans most horrible things that happen in this world, or uncomfortable things, he really knew how to give us our blessings. Amen.

Thank God for our powerful immune system. Okay. And thank God for my phone yeah oh one star one start review here we go it was okay until one waitress is climbing on tables barefoot cleaning windows the cashier with a fly swatter in hand in the kitchen area killing roaches never again one star only because it wouldn't let me post without a rating What? The cashier with a fly swatter in hand in the kitchen area killing roaches. Never again. One star only because it wouldn't let me post without a rating. Oh my god.

So, but remember, he's hung up on all the waitresses. Yeah. And he's- And their feet now. Oh shit. Uh oh. Well, if you're barefoot, I mean, people are going to notice. Yeah.

Maybe she didn't want to get her dirty shoes on the table. I think that's pretty thoughtful i think that's a lot cleaner i would rather i i think at first my initial reaction is bare feet would be grosser yeah but then i'm like no that makes no sense yeah barefoot are definitely cleaner unless she's always barefoot true and doesn't put shoes on true then it doesn't matter that kitchen and everything with bare feet. Yeah. Then we're all screwed. Yeah.

Hmm. But that would trouble me still, standing on a table, not maybe a stepstool or something. Tell me, please. On this show, I'll allow it. You say that would trouble me. I say it absolutely does trouble me. I feel troubled. You feel troubled. I do.

Okay. Yeah. I see troubled. You feel troubled? I do. Okay. Yeah. I see that. And I just glance back at my computer and I see my phone writing hot and sexy, nice little treat. And I'm even more troubled. So clearly. And maybe I should have just brought that poopy golden corral. No, no.

I think I'm good without, you know, all of it's bad. We know this when we do restaurants. We know things are going to get. That's true. super uncomfy um okay so this next one is also from izzy they them and this is of the i love country buffet in gray georgia this is a two-star review by christian the food was subpar and the crowd was laughably odious crowding around the buffet. The staff was great, but the food tasted like it was straight from a can. Most buffets can disguise the can taste better, but maybe things have changed recently. As of my last visit, there was nothing to love about this buffet other than the hardworking staff corralling the herds.

End of review. And Izzy wrote, I bet this guy has a zine. buffet other than the hardworking staff corralling the herds. End of review. Oh. And Izzy wrote, I bet this guy has a zine. I was going to say, that felt a lot. That felt too much. Yeah, the laughably odious crowd. It sounds like he's writing like animal. What?

House? No. What's that book? Animal Farm? Yeah, that one. It sounds like he's writing Animal Farm. I'm not going to say you're wrong, but I've also, I haven't read Animal Farm. Would Animal House be more accurate?

You know. Should I just tell Brian to edit out one or the other? By the way, we have an editor now. Oh, yeah. So good luck to us. Good luck to us um good luck to us yes make luck to him yeah um but like genuinely a laughably odious crowd doesn't that sound orwellian i'm moving on

um you're looking up if George Orwell wrote Animal Farm I'm just making sure I'm making sure Did he write Animal House too? That's how he got He won an Oscar actually for Animal House Good for him You know I sometimes like the deeper cuts

Like everyone talks about Animal Farm Why can't I separate them? Which one does everyone talk about tell me oh got it got it because it's like about um well i've never read it but actually i have okay well that was a quick change there was no editing there and eating magic there she didn't just pause to read the whole thing suddenly she had she hadn't read it then suddenly she had oh my god was it was it written out in review i remember in ninth grade i read it oh we didn't yeah that i was gonna say we avoided it somehow i don't know how you had to read and i

didn't i don't know i don't know i might have put you in some remedial class or something most likely yeah um so i don't have any more reviews like i said but i do have that email um from it was from sarah who sent a picture of uh golden corral toilet and the review sorry no no no no no no sent a picture of a screenshot a screenshot of a review and the review included a picture of the toilet sarah did not take this picture of the toilet for the record. I thought we were avoiding this. No, no, no, we are. I just wanted to give Sarah credit for such a great moment on our show. Congratulations, Sarah. But also, Sarah had

a P.S. Oh, okay. With a picture attached, which is very sweet, about Golden Corral. It says, P.S. This unlocked a memory of mine meeting Santa here at age 12, and the Santa saying, I'm black santa come take a pic i bet i'm not what you thought santa looked like fuck yeah and there's a picture it's so fun

there's a picture i gotta say oh hell yeah i love the like very obvious like 12 year old outfit and stance like the cardigan with short sleeves oh what a beautiful photo it's great the like fluorescent lighting of a golden corral so comforting during the holidays oh yeah you know you met somebody at an iHop you got a photo op and oh i sure did it's chain restaurants where the magic happens so true so true yeah okay so now i have another one from izzy oh good this is a one-star review of stevie b's pizza buffet in warner robbins georgia this is by marcy pizza was half done and cinnamon roll was half done pizza was not hot the worker was out of dress code the drink had no acid and bathroom smelled like fish and pee please hurry and open the one back on 96 so this isn't anything like the stevie

beads pizza buffet that marcy's used to no she wants her yeah non-fish non-fish smelling bathrooms back oh and acid and oh she wants her acid filledfilled drink. True. Yeah. Don't we all? That, uh... What a selling point. Also... We put acid in your drinks. How fun! I mean...

And then you see Black Santa, and you're like, well, this is a party! So the acid-filled drinks. The worker was out of dress code, which doesn't seem as shocking... What a narc. I mean... As the rest... Also, who has a dress code at, like, a pizza buffet restaurant? Well, yeah a narc. I mean, as the rest. Also, who has a dress code at a, like a pizza buffet restaurant?

Well, yeah, I, I mean, I, I don't know. Yeah. That's a very specific question.

I don't know why I asked you that. Like, you're supposed to know the answer. Mellow Mushroom does not have a dress code. I think I know that. Or like, maybe they do, but not an obvious one.

Oh, I feel like all my friends who worked in restaurants had to buy like the very specific shoes like the like the ergo got a non-slip ergo dynamic no ergo dynamic aerodynamic aerodynamic wow that's the fastest service i would if you're gonna climb the tables and kill some flies, you better have some very light Sounds like something at Sonic

with their roller skates. Roller around. Talk about aerodynamic. Oh my gosh. Not to be, so on my weird days, I would probably write something about dress code,

but about hooters when they're covering too much up, you know? Oh, on your weird days? On my weird days. When you're my phone. I'm in one of those moods where I feel like objectifying women.

When you change the profile on your phone from Zandy Schieffer to my phone and then you just go on a fucking rampage, let it all out, yeah. So this is a review of, this is also from Izzy. Okay. This is a review of the new China buffet

in Macon, Georgia. And this is my last one from Izzy. I feel like there are a lot of new China buffets out there Yeah, what is that? I don't know I mean, which one was the new Which is the newest? Whoa They should start changing their names to old China buffet

Oh, shit, did I put Maybe it's new China buffet Did I put acid in your drink, too? Because I feel like you're getting really I'm just In the weeds here. This episode feels like it's already gone on for a million years. Okay, here's the thing.

She picked me up from the airport. This is the first thing I'm doing from traveling all day. I feel like I tried to explain this, but then we got on the moonshine tangent. It's 10 o'clock p.m. And usually I am very much under my covers in my pajamas. I'm not in bed. I'm not sleeping. I'll spend the next four hours watching Gilmore Girls.

But instead, I picked him up from the airport and we are working. And I have not been home. No, you went straight from the plane, from a middle seat to this seat. And it was so hot. I sweat through everything I was wearing. Cute. And guess what? I'm still wearing the same clothes because I came straight here.

Yeah, I should have brought. I feel great. I gave you sparkling water and that was my only assistance. And you gave me plenty of tangents to make sure this episode drags on. Just drag it on. That's so long. Okay, so this is one from Izzy. It's a one-star view of the newest China buffet.

Oh, that answers that. In Macon, Georgia. It's a one-star view by tara who's a local guy oh i went on crab legs night which is way more but they refused to put more than three at a time on the bar while everyone stood with their empty plates just begging and the rest was awful old not fresh what a scene so this reminds me of what was the other review we read earlier where it was like oh the odious crowds gather it's sort of like um speaking of ninth grade english class it's like that book um this is better than us comparing things to The Office This makes us sound intelligent Is it?

No, no, no, let me tell you If we could actually remember the names and authors of these books I'd tell everyone to go Is it Great Expectations? Oh, I love Great Expectations, yeah Pip? Pip I don't know if that has anything to do with

Miss Havisham? Yeah, does this have anything to do with that? No You know What about the one Oh I know I don't think Some more please

McTwist Yeah Oh McTwist Sounds like something you'd find In like a Golden Corral dessert bar It's a McDonald's The new McTwist

A new cinnamon McTwist. Oh my god. I'm sorry. Please may I have some more? It's like all the crowds. It's very... Tiny Tim. Grapes of Wrath.

Grapes of Wrath Grapes of wrath? Jesus. Because of the depression. And the grapes of fresh fruit. The Shoney's, you're so right. And my phone's wrath. Okay. Anyway, this is my last one. This is

from Madeline. She, she they and i was gonna bring a redemption but instead i brought a review of golden corral because you told me not to yeah good job so i didn't tell you not to i said let's you said let's not do golden crown i said thumbs up i was thinking the same thing. Yeah. You fucking liar. I immediately called Golden Corral. No, no. I was thinking the same thing, but I did see this email and I was like, well, I gotta have one Golden Corral in all of this, you know. So, thank you, Madeline. This is of the Golden Corral in Thornton, Colorado.

And this is a one-star review by Manuel. And it comes with a photo, by the way. All cold. Ever the dinner rolls and what is that white stuff in the middle of the broccoli cut the broccoli in half took it out it was like a styrofoam it did not squish but maintained its structure it's all generic food i would argue that's not yeah where have you been eating farthest from generic Poor quality food and only a few people that talked English. Restaurant was kind of clean. Managers talking and not attending to the buffet.

Also, my birthday coupon was erased, so I couldn't use that. Milk was yucky, being 1%. You think it would be great, but not. Needs improvement all the way around. You would think what's great about any of this? I don't understand. The milk? The 1% milk?

I'm just so sad that he went i feel like that would be the only thing they can't fuck up you just get imagine it's not like they're churning their own butter and milk or whatever imagine going to golden crow on your birthday and eating broccoli and milk it's the saddest birthday of all time we've probably had that experience we've just repressed it i feel so triggered by this but uh i don't know i'm just and he couldn't even use his birthday coupon that's happened to me at ihop they wouldn't let me use my birthday coupon y'all i remember that um but so here i have a photo of the broccoli okay because it's a mystery really here it's like the cellulose structure has turned into styrofoam like that doesn't seem weird to me but that part does

yeah like it's really white on the center I assume it's just not fresh not ripe whatever is broccoli ripe a thing? I don't know I don't know at least it's not like maggots let me ask um let me ask shonies okay yes respond to that they probably already responded to us oh should i

check imagine i'm so nervous i don't want them um whoa we got like seven followers because of that you're fucking with me i'm not. We just suddenly have all these new followers because I wrote about Milo. What the fuck? Man is... These poor people. What are they getting into? What is happening? Maybe we should actually

use our Twitter, huh? Is it really that easy to get bots to follow? I mean, people to follow us? Are you trying to tell me that Delaina is a bot? Anyway, so I'm going to get rid of this picture of broccoli because it's really grossing me out.

So that's all I brought today. All right. Good stuff. It is now time for my challenge, which is from Carrie, who says, thank you for the cozy content. Very cute. It also says, find reviews where people order something online and it is a vastly different size

or amount than expected I love this so this wasn't totally intentional but for some reason a lot of weirdly like sexual stuff seriously? yeah

like the fact that when I searched for this, it was popping up. Maybe those are just the ones that caught my eye. Who's to say? But that's okay, because it's gonna be fun. Oh, great. So this first one is of women's sexy costumes for sex. Sexy made outfit cosplay lingerie apron costume lace panties. So here's a picture of what it's supposed to look like. You really got to warn me before you just whip your phone around. No, I will never. Talk about warning.

I just read sexy costumes for sex. What do you think, warning? How's that not on warning enough? It's like when you add in bed to a fortune cookie. It's just like for sex. For sex. So this is an $8 apron sexy apron not to be confused with a regular eight dollar apron for not for sex not sexy not for sex and it comes with lace panties and lots of people included pictures uh it was It was interesting. My review, though, let me pull it up, is a one-star review titled, Way Too Small to Be Sexy.

Verified purchase, okay? The apron probably would fit a five-year-old girl, but that is definitely not appropriate. It is ridiculously small and not really cloth at all. It feels more like a plastic picnic table cover. The woman in the picture cannot be human. End of review. Disturbing. Five-year-old girl

shouldn't be in your room. I'm very glad they clarified this because we were all thinking it for sure, buddy. Yeah, seriously. Yikes. So strange. I love the idea of a plastic tablecloth being cut a lot of people said it was like a picnic you know like those picnic yeah a lot of people mentioned that like a picnic that means it's like waterproof i'm grossed out by that why that it's waterproof yeah for sex oh i mean okay let's go on i don't want i don't want to think about

anymore fine here we go this one's of realistic dildos feels like skin 7.3 inch clear dildo with suction cup for hands-free play body safe material and adult sex toys for women. You know what I just realized, actually? Oxidator what? Let me rewind for a sec. I forgot that I had made a specific note to read the description of that apron thing. Oh. And I didn't do that. I'm sorry.

So unfortunate. So guess what? I'm going to do it now. Oh. After I read that other title. I thought maybe I escaped. So here we go. About this item. Ready?

Uh-huh. Wanna your husband or boyfriend crazy for you? Wanna to have a fun night with your partner? Our This Stylish Maid costume outfit set is right for you. Super sexy and cute maid apron cosplay costumes for women and young ladies. Lace up maid costume dress backless super sexy. Lace panties hot and cute. You will be the focus when put on it.

The sexy maid lingerie costume is a good gift for your girlfriend's wife on Valentine's Day, wedding anniversary, honeymoon, special night, and so on. Enjoy your time. Imagine a wedding anniversary where you're like,

oh, it's the, it's the, it's the vinyl. It's a year of vinyl. I got you this beautiful record of our first dance. Oh, I got you this beautiful record of our first dance. Oh, I got you this tablecloth, this plastic tablecloth apron for sex. Yep. And they say, they even say it's for sizing.

You go one size up. Yeah, no shit. No, but people were like, oh, talk about size up. I went one size up. I should have gone like eight sizes up or something. So you're welcome for that. So here's a review of that one dildo, one star, titled, Not the Place to Have Size Discrepancy Issues. Oh, boy.

It's like going bargain hunting for plastic surgery and wondering why post-surgery you have two noses that look like Claudia Schiffer's nose. Double coupon plus double entendre equals whatever. I'm more invested in trying to find out how this seller gets out of the satisfaction guarantee rule that every retailer has. I get it, they're sex toys. There's risk to our postal workers and their temptation to steal or think unsavory thoughts by being exposed to sexual devices. What? Obviously, that's not it. However, on the review pages, tons of verified customers discovering the size discrepancy issue that the seller won't acknowledge it.

The point is, they're saying because it's a sex toy, they're not allowed to return it. Right, I understand. Which makes a lot of sense but the fact that they've gotten away with this because we haven't finished yet i'm just i just wanted to pause okay let it all sink in you know about the like postal workers yeah i think they're saying they're saying like if you're returning the sex toy oh maybe you can't return it because the postal workers it's just a stupid joke about postal workers stealing your sex toys. What a hilarious joke.

I am kidding. Right, because I'm sure a postal worker would want a used sex toy. Well, they said obviously that's not it. Yeah. Don't worry. Obviously. Okay, so I can't return it, but you can still give me a refund because this is the seller's responsibility to make sure product info is up to date, accurate, and transparent.

Like the color toy I purchased that was nowhere near 7.3. Actual size is 5. Yes, 5 inches. And had design flaws. Nicks and cuts and flaps. Oh. I'm concerned this thing won't last a month. Humans with common sense check for these things before getting freaky with these items.

Clearly they have zero quality control inspections, unless it's the seller inspecting your wallet. It all comes down to money. Sell low quality items at a semi-reasonable price and never take returns, even if the customer is right. It's my guess that the seller doesn't mind all the bad reviews, which could easily be avoided, simply by keeping your size chart simple. Do checks on your products because the sizes you advertise are not what your customers are paying for. Information is gold or whatever makes people rich. Oh, information does.

What the F are they talking about? I feel like I'm at a dinner party and I'm just zoning out. And like every now and then I kind of... Depending on how odious everyone is. Yeah, I check back in and I'm like, like oh they're still going on about this what yeah but apparently i was reading some reviews christina someone ended up in the hospital like terrible terrible i know well i didn't i don't like about the flaps no exactly i'm like i mean it's like that's what people were saying is like it's not the the the quality is so bad that it's to the point where it's dangerous.

Well, you know, they did mention a size chart. And I wonder if this is just a classic mishap, miscommunication, where it says UK size, US size, or a conversion chart. Of dildo sizes. Yeah, maybe they just misread the conversion chart. It says UK size, US size, you know, and it's just like different. Christina. What? You know what they do?

What do they do? I'm looking at the photos. I don't know if this was there when this person reviewed it, but now it's from the bottom of the suction cup to the top of 7.3. Well, that's what I was going to ask. And the actual... Ding dong. to the top of 7.3. That's what I was going to ask.

And the actual... Ding dong. The actual ding dong is 5.3. Wow. Okay. See? Some clarity.

That's how they get you. Some clarity. That's how they get you. Likely story. Yeah. There's some wild pictures, though. Like what they're like. I want to see it, but I also don't.

So many pictures of it under the sink to like really dry, like multiple different types of sink. Yeah, to drive home that you can just rinse it off. What do you mean? With soapy water. Ew, so they're just like, here it is. I just used it. I'm washing it. Oh my gosh.

What? It's just letting you know you can clean it it's full of flaps you have to clean under the saying you need one of those straw yeah yeah you don't know you're right because these pictures are literally them just holding it under a weak stream of water yeah exactly i'm just like you need to get one of those sterilizers used for pacifiers and stuff yeah that's an unfortunate comparison, but you know. Yeah, no. Stick it in there.

Just be safe, everybody. Just in case. Just be safe. My next one is of, did I just shit my pants wipes? Wet wipes, weird gifts for friends, fart gag gifts, stocking stuffers for adults, white elephant. I just don't know anymore. And there's a picture of the woman on this um like kind of with a thinking face and it says oops did i just shit my pants reality wipes and

they're literal wipes what the fuck ten dollars they just need to slap stinky boy on there you could make a fortune merchandising this this description what This is like our podcast. All caps. That was a little too wet. You trusted a fart and now there's a scary squish in your knickers. Don't freak out. Grab some did I just shit my pants wipes and save yourself. Oh my God.

That's hilarious. Fart too wet. Clearly. That's fucking horrible. It's so stupid. I hate that you just compared our podcast Looks like we've got Our description Peach, Shoe, Sandy, Fart too wet I think

Okay, good episode description Nailed it I feel Brian going Really, are you sure you want to write that? I don't think so This review is a one star review I feel Brian going, really? Are you sure you want to write that? I don't think so. This review is a one-star review. This is by Miles, titled Expensive and Useless.

Well, yeah. I'm sorry. No, I know. Just wait. Let me read it. All right. I'm sorry. I know this is a gag gif, but it was incredibly overpriced for something that couldn't even be used for a basic purpose.

These are supposedly wet wipes. They are dry and useless and I would never buy this product even for the label. Not funny enough to be worth it and it comes in a really small package. End of review. And surely, like truly though, people are complaining. But there was one of the photos and it fits in the palm of someone's hand. Yeah, so it's like a little... Like it's pretty small like yeah it's like one

of those little kleenex things yeah yeah so how much are they 10 bucks oh my that is i mean yes far far too expensive but like i love how they say uh i would never buy this product even for the label it's like then what did you really buy this for the wipes yeah because then you should just go to target and get those, like, whatever they're called. I saw the dude wipes or whatever. Oh, those. The ones that are, I mean, very different, but, like, the ones that, of course, have to be masculine. They're branded for bros.

Yeah. No, but, like, they, so. So the straight men will wash their asses. Yeah, you know, because they're not going to use a bidet. Are you kidding me? The water up your butt? Okay, so here's the thing. On tour,

I would always put, for on our rider, I would put... A bidet in every toilet. No. Ah, no. Dude wipes. Dude wipes.

No, I would put, like, baby wipes because for a while, Leon was traveling with us and I was like, oh, in case, you know. So some places put just like baby, like Huggies baby wipes because for a while leon was traveling with us and i was like oh in case you know so some places put just like baby like huggies baby wipes and then that one place put did i

just shit my pants and they were dry as a bone oh no no and they said we spent your whole budget on just these wipes sorry you don't get a toilet or anything. No, they said, some of them were, I think, confused why I put baby wipes on the rider and went and got like the, what is the brand? Name a toilet paper. Charmin or I don't know. One of those like wet wipes that are flushable basically for grownups. Quote unquote flushable. Quote unquote.

You're really not supposed to. Don't flush those people. I think they're Cottel or something but anyway i remember being like oh they were like what the hell does she want baby wipes for i guess we'll get these grown-up butt wipes instead oh i see i see but it was literally for your baby it was for the baby but you know whatever so i just took them home anyway i was like well i mean that way they have like that one person that they send at the store to buy all this shit. And they're like, what the fuck?

I'm like, what if you're a baby wipes or something? I'm like, don't question me. Don't question me. But I was like, ooh, what are these? They're lovely. Anyway, go on. My next one is of Trump fuck off middle fingers PVC morale patch from the Empire Tactical USA store. It's just a rubber patch of Trump with two middle fingers.

That's Uxner? Up in the air, yes. That's hilarious. Why do you think so? Yeah, people have such a good sense of humor. Don't worry, this is a redemption. It's a five-star review. Oh, God, okay.

Five-star review titled, Great Quality Rubber Patch. A bit bigger than expected, but no problem fitting it in the credential slash ID window on my Smith & Wesson range bag. Great quality rubber morale patch with an amazingly symbolic gesture. Oh, yeah. It's so symbolic. I don't think anyone will get it. I can't believe it.

You have to read between the lines. This can't be. I mean, it's a verified purchase, so it very much is real. No, I think it's so symbolic. I don't think anyone will get it. I can't believe it. You have to read between the lines. This can't be. I mean, it's a verified purchase, so it very much is real. No, I think it's real. But the fact that anyone thinks it's symbolic, it's just so stupid. Like, no one will understand. It's really a subtle message. Yeah, it's so subtle.

The symbolism goes deep. Oh, no. And then I've got one more. I have no idea what this is going to be of. The fact that it was so much bigger. Sorry, I'm still stuck on this. Oh, that's okay. The fact that it was so much bigger than he thought and he's like trying to jam it into the... I'm just like, this is embarrassing. All of it's embarrassing. It's just like halfway out of his like, what is this? Smith & Wesson carry bag or something? Yeah, yeah. For your nice gun range.

Incredibly deep symbolism. So don't worry, y'all. We're almost done. And I've read Animal Farm. Which one is it? This is my last one. I'm already sad. And this was kind of fun because I had no idea what it was of until I clicked it.

All I saw was the title. And this is all it says is bigger than expected. Okay. And there's a video. So that was the review. I'm done. But I clicked on it. There's a video. And it's a video. It's literally this guy. He bought a yellow onion on Amazon. He's holding this giant yellow onion. It's so big. Wait, that's the whole thing. Yeah. It's so big though. It doesn't look that big. I mean, that's so big. Wait, that's the whole thing. Yeah, it's so big, though. It doesn't look that big. I mean, that's pretty big.

It's an onion. I saw some other ones, and they were from the sea. Onions can be like this big, Zandy. Don't talk to me about how big onions can be. Hold on. Head center? Christina. Center.

Let me go ask Shonies. How big are your onions? Wink emoji. I'm going to get so many followers for that christina this onion's huge okay okay it's funny because a lot of people are complaining about the shitty onions like the moldy onions this guy's like whoa these are huge and i love it so much i love that he's like you know what saying it's really big is not enough i need to put a video on and it's not like i'll be okay it is a big onion but it's not like i'll be okay it is a

big honey but it's not so big that like a video is shocking you know what i mean it's not winning any county fairs unfortunately don't get me wrong unfortunately maybe that's what he's going for but it is funny to be like look how big this onion is it's like okay i guess it's big but it's not like humongous also a photo would suffice. Why is it a video? Because there were three of them, and it just had to show each one in the palm. You know, it just made sense. But I kind of forgot I included that, because I was like, what is this last one? And I'm like, damn, that was lame.

It was literally just the title of the video was Bigger Than Expected, and a man pulling three big onions out of a bag. I actually think that's like the most interesting thing we've talked about today stumbling upon it was hilarious absolutely without the visual that people these people are just listening to me tell about stumbling a review of an onion oh my god i'm sorry everybody an onion um but that's the that's that's that's it i'm done oh my god. Talk about deep symbolism or whatever. So deep. The deepest. I will say, big news. Our tweet has been viewed 50 times.

Wow. We're so popular. Yeah. We haven't gotten any more followers, though. Wow. So it was that early surge that really did it for us. When is Logan Paul trending? Okay.

I wish I were closer. He's always slam your computer shut so you can just end the episode. No! The whole episode would be over. Exactly! Let these people go. No! And let me go home. Yay! Let me go home.

Thanks, y'all. Bye. See you next week. Forever Dog. This has been a Forever Dog production. Executive produced by Brett Boehm, Joe Cilio, and Alex Ramsey. For more original podcasts, please visit foreverdogpodcasts.com and subscribe to our shows on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Keep up with the latest Forever Dog news by following us on Twitter and Instagram, at Forever Dog Team, and liking our page on Facebook.