Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 216: Reviews of Gated Communities

Episode Date: January 18, 2023

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Offer ends June 30th, 2024. New eligible clients only. Complete criteria by August 30th, 2024. Visit rbc.com slash student 100. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet. A podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello, everybody. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water 2 at the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. My name is X-Teen. My name is Zandy. And this podcast is a Forever Dog production.

That's their official logo, audio logo. We have to say that every single episode We have to go Yep, every single one from now on Yeah, they love it when we do that Yeah, so we are very excited to announce that we have joined the Forever Dog Network Yes I forgot we were announcing this or saying something

It's not really an announcement We probably should Last week's episode was our was already on there okay so but i think whatever we're just very excited because they're um a really cool bunch of humans and uh from the first time we met them via zoom we were like heck yeah this is a good uh a good group of folks to be working with and thankfully they felt the same about us or at least they said they did and they they're still saying it they are as far as so far the little microphones that we hid in their offices tell us that they are still on board with our show yes it's pretty early though yeah

i'll keep my ear to the gramophone okay oh man you're gonna make them regret this okay it's too late i lost them we lost them yeah so if we've been hinting at any exciting news that's what it is so we're very excited we're excited yeah you guys are probably like okay great yeah get on with the show say that every week to be to be fair what get on with the show yeah because we never get on with the show yeah it's kind of fun to leave you in suspense you know yeah because they're so it's so suspenseful as they wait for us to read reviews of gated communities it's a cliffhanger was this a patreon it was okay like who was it well i don't know i just didn't know um yeah no it's i'm i'm just kidding to that

person um this is actually an exciting one, I think. Because Blaze thought it was relevant to our recent trip to Florida. It was, which is kind of funny that it ended up being this. Inadvertently relevant. Yes, exactly. So we thought maybe you had picked the option. No, no, no. Okay, good, good. I'm not that clever.

That's what I said to Blaze. I was like, well, it doesn't make any sense that he would have thought of it. Yeah, it doesn't. You're right. So, oh, I thought you were holding something up for me to place. I was like, well, it doesn't make any sense that he would have thought of it. Yeah, it doesn't. You're right. So, uh, oh, I thought you were holding something up for me to read. No, I'm just bored. So I'm reading this piece of paper. This is from O, by the way. What is? The theme.

Oh, I was like, what, a present? I have my handout. Give me. No, no, no. Thank you, O, for this present of the topic of gated communities. I think I have one more than you. Sure, you go ahead. I'll start. All right. So this is one I found of a city called Canyon Lake, California.

Have you heard of this? No. It's apparently this like humongous gated town. It's like not a gated community. It's like a whole town. Holy crap. Yeah. And to get in,

you need a permit and it's all outdoorsy. And in 1996, uh, the New York times wrote an article about how great it was. So I wasn't expecting that. That's how I found it is because I was searching for certain types of gated communities. And then this 1996 New York times article popped up that was like, I don't, I'm not even going to pretend like I know the title, the headline. Because I'm sure my, my. Didn't you study journalism? My journalism chops are not up to par with, I did, I did, but not quite at that level. So anyway, here's a view of the city of Canyon Lake.

This is from Yelp. I wonder if in 1996 they knew someday people on Yelp would be complaining about it. Two idiots would be reading their complaints and laughing. True, true, true. Okay, this is a two-star review by Mike. Basically a retirement community. Security thinks they are police, except just a few cool ones at the back gates. Most people drive 15 miles per hour below the 35 mile per hour speed limit.

You can't even inner tube on the lake, so what's the point? They need a new council for these changing times, more modern and of age. End of review. The sure sign of progression is inner tubes. Progress. That's the word. Yeah. Thank you. Inner tubes. progression is inner tubes progress that's the word yeah thank you i was just i was just trying to picture picture my next platform my next campaign speech eradicate the lake worms eradicate

all lake worms and add inner tubes and only inner tubes only now on just in just only inner tubes yeah only inner tubes that's the phrase there no fishing allowed, but there is eradicating ocean worms allowed. So, you know, just do with that information what you will. I like to play both sides, you know. Wow, just appeal to everybody. Appeal to everyone. Everyone can get behind that. I don't see what's so bad about that.

Okay. And for our listeners who don't know what a gated community is, it's a community with a gate. Well, sort of. I actually don't know. Okay. Some gated communities don't have gates is what the internet told me. Oh, no, you're right. I know. Some of them are gated in a more metaphorical sense. I was curious about the history because honestly, my first thought was there has to be problematic backstory here.

Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. You know, keeping people out of the community just in the u.s i mean just yeah oh yeah yeah and i read an article from like 1996 no but i actually did see a new york times article maybe it was the same one um but no it was talking about how it just wasn't a thing and then in starting like mid 80s they started popping, which was a lot later than I expected. Because it's like the boom of, well, the suburbs started in like the post-World War II. And so, you know. Like, how can we take this to another level? Right, exactly.

And then in the 80s, when wealth was booming, people were advancing their suburbs into even more exclusive categories. So I'll read you quick the Wikipedia. A gated community, otherwise known as a walled community, yikes, is a form of residential community or housing estate containing strictly controlled entrances and is often characterized by a closed perimeter. So it's basically just like an exclusive place to live. Not necessarily fancy. Yeah, that's definitely what I found. But the implication is that it's like a fancier place to live. And a place to get away from...

The riffraff. Everyone else. Everyone else, exactly. But your close wealthy friends. It's sort of like they want like-minded people. Sometimes these places have like community clubs, like golf clubs in them or like dinner clubs. I saw some were against same-sex partners and shit. Oh, no.

I don't know how legal that was, but I saw some reviews that mentioned that. Oh, I didn't know that. And I was like, holy shit. Can they do that? Yikes. In the U.S.? Probably can find a way. I'm sure there's a way. that oh i didn't know that and i was like holy shit can they do that yikes in the u.s probably can find i'm sure there's a way so yeah it's kind of it's there's some there's definitely

some problematic you know what i say where there's a wall there's a way so you do love your walls i do love putting up walls christine 2024 okay your turn yes okay you're about to go, weren't you? I was about to keep reading. I love talking. Okay. My first one is from Diamond Head Resort Community.

This is in Hot Springs, Arkansas. This is a one-star review. This is by Harold. I wouldn't go there if Tony didn't live there. End of review. Same.

Right. Man, Tony. Oh, Tony. Tony brings us all together. I would say Tony is like the modern-day influencer. I don't know why I say modern day influencer, but I would say he's definitely the Arkansas influencer we all were hoping for. Yeah.

He's the one. He drags you into places you didn't want to go. You know, like that Diamond Head Resort. Diamond Head. That sounds fancy, except then I remembered, isn't that a snake? Sure. Like it sounds fancy. So then it sounds absolutely disgusting no not disgusting just like slightly more um frightening than than like just i think they both either way would be frightening blood diamonds

what maybe you just go i don't know i don't like For the record, I just need to state this before I move on. I did not mean blood diamonds. Oh, you said scary. Okay. This is a one-star review of Canyon Lake. Nasty, algae, toxic, green, moldy water in Canyon Lake. Wait, are all those words caps? No, only nasty algae. Okay, I was like, this is a dope band name.

Actually, I find it to be an incredibly frustrating band name, but okay. Nasty Algae talks at green moldy water in Canyon Lake. Overrated place to live. A bunch of druggies, drunks. The lake sits in dirty water. No movement. It smells bad. Do not swim in that water.

Canyon Lake is man-a-made lake. There are raccoons all over pooping and they are running the city. Schools or surrounding areas are all Lake Elsinore. A lot of uneducated people are running the city. I thought the raccoons were running the city. We plead uneducated raccoons. I'm so confused. What if this is a cry for help and the raccoons have taken over it is a gated community you can't get in and that means that the raccoons won't let people out by the way raccoons can get in no matter how hard you try like i've learned that living in many different cities um they will find their way in you can lock they don't have permits and you could oh yeah especially if they don't have

permits yeah so i i don't know why but when you said it's a cry for help i pictured like one of those old-timey messages like telegrams like stop where it's like um raccoons running city stop uneducated stop pooping water all over pooping a lot of uneducated people running the city the city and poa is a racist and they left confederate flag to run the city i'm sorry the city is currently run by a hybrid raccoon person confederate flag a raccoon uneducated person and confederate flag what a comp what a combo and also something i don't ever want to yeah count me out this is like the final boss you know of like life or of lake elson oh okay fair they only care about increasing poa prices

no updates and nobody shop at their old outdated shopping center anyway. End of review. And this was a current resident six months ago, so we might be a little too late to help at this point. I think Christine 2024 is going to casually ignore this problem. I was going to say,

since you can't solve this, it's bad optics if you even bring it up. Bad optics. Brush it under the rug. Just pretend you have no idea that these raccoons are running a city somewhere full of Confederate flags. I'll never. Who are also running the city. You know what? I love raccoons.

I think they're very cute. But I could see a raccoon flying a Confederate flag. Something about that makes sense to me. Something fits. Yeah. It's not good. I think it's because they're called trash pandas sometimes yeah yeah trash yeah you know i don't know where the panda comes in i don't think pandas are ones that they're a little they're more peaceful pandas are huh i would think so yeah um all right my next one is of Avalon Studio City, which I didn't realize Studio City, California, had gated.

I mean, I guess it makes sense. Of all places in LA area. But like, I don't know. I was like, huh. So I double checked that it was gated and they call themselves a gated community. Okay. Anyway, here's a review by Frank One Star. Okay. Let me make this short and sweet and as polite as possible.

Do not fucking lease here. Constant pot smoke and smell. Weird people living and walking around the property. Security are dicks and are more of an inconvenience than actual security. Dirt in the halls and apartments. Dying plants and leaves. The garbage is constantly clogged and full because in two weeks no one picks them up. Loud neighbors that show up drunk and knock in the wrong apartments at 2am. This happened more than four times and management didn't do

anything about it. Thin walls so you can hear your neighbors having sex or fighting. So if you can't find anything to watch online or on TV and like radios, I guess this should not bother you. Got my car rear ended here when I was parked in my parking spot and the leasing office and security had no record of the car that hit me. All I learned was that it was a white Chevy. Ironically, one of the leasing office members drives a white Chevy and my parking space is close to theirs. So I can make my own conclusions. Lease somewhere else. End of review. I was promised a short review. I know. First of all. Wasn't very sweet either. Or polite. I mean, not that they're in the wrong.

Politeness isn't necessarily required, but don't say you're going to be polite. Yeah. If you're not going to be polite. If you ask me. If you ask me. That's my number one rule. What is management supposed to do about drunk people knocking on your door? That one, yeah, I thought that's really obnoxious, but I don't know what can be done.

I thought about what could be solved there. Make the numbers bigger. Yeah, or put your name on the door, but that seems also like a safety hazard. Yeah. Also, I love like weird people living there. It's like, well, yeah. It's like when people complain about traffic. That can't be helped.

While they're in traffic. It's like, you're the traffic. So you're probably one of those weird people too. You're the uneducated raccoon who's running the city. Why don't you take some responsibility for your actions? Take down that Confederate flag. Wow, that was something. I love the white Chevy being, I love the conspiracies growing.

We got a little bit of everything in this. We did. Wow. Okay, let's see what I have. This was sent in by Sarah, and this one is in Cobble Hill slash Victoria, British Columbia. And it's of a community called Arbitus Ridge Seaside Community. This is way out of my price range. I can already tell.

Why is that? All of those words you said sound so fancy. I don't know what Arbitus is. Arbutus? Something with is. Arbutus? Something with trees. Arbutus? How do you spell it? Not like the tree kind.

A-R-B-U-T-U-S. Arbutus. Arbutus! Never mind. When you say it that way. It's less fancy. It's a genus of 12 accepted species of flowering plants. Oh, okay.

So I was close. You were. Arbutus. Arbutus Ridge. Se seaside community. I mean, for what? Seaside alone. Seaside alone. However, it's also a retirement community, so you're not even welcome even if you were fancy enough to go there. Okay. Okay. Okay. So this is a review, but the three-star review, but the response is what we're here for. Theo left a three-star review. It's a retirement area, golf course and houses. End of review.

And now here. Wow, great one. And by the way, local guide. I think not. Okay, so this is the response by the Arbitus Ridge Seaside community. I'm sorry. Spoilers, everyone. I glanced over there. That review was what? Six words? Yeah.

I see that you're about to read a paragraph in response. By the way, I was hoping it's way too small to see, but their profile photo, the community profile photo, is like a very cliche photo of an elderly couple looking out at the water on a bench and like a Cialis commercial. Yeah, basically, but his arms over her shoulder and they're kind of looking out over the water. So like you can just get the idea. All right. So this is the response. It is so much more than that. It's a community, but so few people get that until they move here. You can live here a few months and can make more than 100 or more new friends because you see them at so many social events and activities. First of all, when I retire, I do not want 100 new friends.

Sounds like a nightmare. Sounds so overwhelming. Yeah. I mean, for some people, I'm sure that's the dream, but I just, how are you supposed to keep them straight? I can barely keep people's names straight now. When I'm 70, do you think I'm going to be remembering everybody's names? Well, that's what always impressed me about dad is how good he is at remembering people's names. Oh, Jerry.

Okay. To be honest, he remembers like the people who are working, their names better than anyone else's, which is actually kind of fun. Which is better. It's better, I think. But no, he's always like, actually kind of fun, which is better. It's better. But no, he's always like, I don't remember who that guy was. It's like some random person that walks up, but then he knows every single person that like the pro shop.

Yes. Golf and all the golf people. Yes. It's very impressive. And I don't have that skill in me. It's definitely something I have to work on. Um, cause if I expect to retire and finally make friends when I'm 70,

my goal is to get famous enough where I don't need to care about other people you know in their names no like they'll say oh my gosh like hi I'm whatever it's like I don't know who you are oh so where you even if I've met them a hundred times an asshole yeah yeah well why can't you just do that now um because it might hurt my chances of becoming really famous if i do it now but once i'm famous i'm already famous so fuck it you know yeah i see although i would argue most people don't really wait very long until they let their you know ass holiness shine yeah i'm patient okay it's funny because like even i haven't seen that side of you so now i guess i'm waiting for you to get famous enough where you're just like extremely rude to me.

I'm waiting. I didn't say to you. Oh, because you know my name already. Yeah. I can't forget yours. I've tried. Trust me. So I'm going to have to be the nice one of the podcast.

You know that's really hard, right? Like I don't want to be responsible for that. Okay. There's more, Sandy. You can live here a few months and can make more than 100 or more new friends because you see them at so many social events and activities. In most suburbs,

you hardly know your immediate neighbors and these are not computer virtual friends. They are real ones. That's so rude. Excuse me. I like how they're calling out Theo being like, these aren't your type of friends that aren't real.

And calling me out at the same time. Yeah. I feel like most of my friends are virtual. Well, not virtual people, but I've met them in virtual spaces. What was that AI? That was that bot that we would talk to on AIM. Oh. Smarter Child.

How do you know? Okay. I don't know. Because she and I were really close friends. Of course you can sit at home and not interact but

who wants that in retirement? Me. Yeah. Raising my hand. We only get one life and I want to max it out.

This is the place to do that. End of response. I don't know why the company. Is this response from someone who's actually living there? Like, no, right? I mean, no, unless they somehow operate the place and live there, which is possible. Then it's a cult, I think, at that point.

And also, there's like a little bit of, what's the word? Bias. Bias, yeah. Or interest, conflict of interest, you know? That's more than one word, but yes. Not if you put hyphens in it. Okay. You can make anything a word.

Where there's a wall, there's a word. Are you done? I guess. I suppose. Okay. Okay. My next one comes from Lexi, who sends a review of Forest Highlands, which is a golf club and private community. It also is located in the largest ponderosa pine forest in the world. Whoa.

Where's that? Where's that? You know, where the Ponderosa trees live. Sure. It's located in Flagstaff, Arizona. Okay. Here's a one-star review. This is by Roger.

A member's golf clubs were stolen here by the grounds crew. As a result, about 20 employees were interviewed by the Flagstaff Police in an on-site conference room at the clubhouse. I appreciated the amount of resources and manpower the police department used to track down these clubs.

It was time very well spent. Flagstaff Police Department's jurisdiction. Being rich has its benefits. Thanks, gang. End of repeat. Oh my god! Okay, but there's an inkling of respect for the self-awareness, okay? I think it's a joke review.

Okay. I think it's a joke review, especially because here's the owner response. Oh boy. Well, Mr. Smith, considering we are not in Flagstaff Police Department's jurisdiction, it seems you may be confused on your account of an incident that Forest Highlands was not involved in. Have a nice day. That was... End of response.

The Tucson Department that came over here, you idiot. Silly goose. I really thought... Those pretty police officers weren't from Flagstaff. They were our own private security police team our on-call our sheriff's department i really thought that that was real i know but it's good i know it's pretty good right that gives you an idea maybe of some of these kind of hoity-toity places many of them i'm sure resources well spent I like that a lot. Like, that's really nice. Oh, gosh. Okay. So, this is a review of a place called Cypress at Louisville. And this is from Alyssa, she, they. So, this is a one-star review, but it has been edited. Okay?

Okay. So, I'll read the first review, the start of it, and then I'll tell you when the edit comes in. Okay. the start of it and then I'll tell you when the edit comes in. Okay. While I have not yet moved in, I feel the need to leave a review because I have had such a great experience with office staff. Olivia went above and beyond for months showing me the property, emailing back and forth and answering questions. I was hesitant given reviews, but so far I haven't regretted a minute. I will update once I move in, but I expect no change in this community. Edit.

Famous last words. I know. Edit. Run. This place is absolutely awful. I can't even get started. Things started out great, but now they are awful. End of review.

I know. It's like a horror movie. It is. And it doesn't even end with punctuation. It's sort of like they just kind of had to trail off and run for it. They had to? Oh no. They did? Do you think they got out? No. The raccoons got them. No. Olivia was a raccoon all along. Those opposable thumbs. She was type, type, typing away. And now she found her place.

Fooled everyone. In California. My next one comes from Jamie Sheher, who said, I remembered from my time living in Las Vegas that there are a ton of gated communities there. And here's one I found for Canyon Gate Community, where the reviewer had an interesting way of rating the community. So here's a three-star review. I don't, I can't tell if it's positive or negative. It's just kind of, it's weird. It's just a weird one.

Okay. From my high school experience, the people here are on average in a fair physique. It can't be said that a good percentage of the residents do have eating habits, though, as numerous street intersections are filled with popular fast food restaurants and local ones as well that use bright colors and attractions to bring us in for a meal we don't have to cook ourselves. However, so whenever I go to the Las Vegas athletic clubs, they are definitely at least always somewhat packed, if not extremely full. Many people here love working out and weightlifting just as I do,

alongside the numerous competitions, shows, and events that they can show off their body at. The hospital facilities here are great. My cousin works as a phlebotomist and tells me of all the hardships doctors and nurses face here, but how they're always on duty to help everyone. End of review. What? I don't know. My cousin's a phlebotomist? What is happening?

What is happening? It felt like a school project. They had to write a review of a neighborhood or something. It felt like... And they just threw in whatever came to their mind. I know I'm biased now that I've used this program, but it felt like one of those AI-generated things where you put in a description of a neighborhood and it wrote a story about it. It was bizarrely—

We're Mad Libs. My cousin is a blank phlebotomist. What would that be? A job? Yeah, occupation. Occupation. My relative type. So cousin.

You know Mad Libs. But it would be way funny if it were like my dog or something. My dog is a phlebotomist? Yeah, that's why if you play Mad Libs, you should be a little more creative. Not like totally off the wall. Phlebotomist is pretty creative. No, phlebotomist is, but if you do family member, don't do like cousin. Be like, oh, my baby or like my off the wall. Phlebotomus is pretty creative. No, phlebotomus is, but if you do family member, don't do like cousin.

Be like, oh, my baby or like my dog. Oh, true. Yeah. That's my tip of the day. They should be paying us for these. This is great advice. Go on tour, write a self-help book. The fuck?

I should. It's called Where There's a Wall, There's a Way. So here's the thing. Are they just critiquing everybody's physical appearance? Yes, that's definitely part of it. And they seem to be some sort of competitive bodybuilder-esque person. Because they mention competitions. They mention showing off their body.

And other people showing off their bodies too. They also mention phlebotomy. Phlebotomy. Nevermind. Yeah, which I don't know where that... I don't know. I don't know. It's hard for doctors out there though.

I hear that it's really hard. Yeah. This was in 2014. It didn't get any easier. No that it's really hard. Yeah. This was in 2014. Didn't get any easier. No, it certainly did not. Okay. So I actually have another review of that same place. The raccoon place?

No, the ominous. Oh, oh. Everything seems great. I can't imagine anything will change. Edit. Run. Okay. And this was also sent in by Alyssa.

And it's a one-star review by Marissa. Super weird experience. No good vibes. I think they've changed managers like four times in the last 18 months, which is always a red flag. Neighbors were super nosy and kind of creeped me out. One story in particular, my dog was barking. My bee, I had just moved in that week, had no furniture. My dog was a little out of sorts. Anyways, got a phone call from management one morning that my neighbors noticed I got home super late or they didn't see me come home or something. And my dog was barking loud. I can't remember all the details. This was about two years ago, but they were worried

about me. Management also said my neighbors said they hadn't seen my trash out by my door. So many weird, creepy observations. I work late, as do most young professionals in the Dallas area, so they called the police one night to make sure everything was okay. Like they thought I had been murdered in my apartment. I had lived there maybe six days. I didn't even know my neighbors. So then I got a- You sure know them now. Jesus. They know you, whether you like it or not. I'm freaking paranoid. That's scary. Yeah. They're like keeping an eye out. I mean, that's scary in multiple ways. That would be their quick initial thought. What happened to the last tenant to make them think that? scary on in multiple ways yes that that would be their like what happened like what happened

to the last tenant to make them think that you know i had lived there maybe six days i didn't even know my neighbors so then i got a warning and i think i had to pay a fee because they had to call police to my apartment because my neighbors didn't know where i was and had knocked on my door and i wasn't home and my dog was barking? Not to mention I had a garage under my apartment so I didn't have to deal with the parking fiasco, but my neighbors posted up camping chairs outside my garage as to confront me about getting home too late or my dog or something. Every time I came home, they were right outside my garage. I parked in regular parking and snuck up to my door because they freaked me out so bad.

Literally felt bullied in my own apartment complex. If the long-term residents don't like you, you are doomed. They would have eventually gotten me kicked out for one thing or another. Luckily, I ended up moving to another state and opting out of my contract early, which management was nice about. But I had a family emergency, so they should be nice. and let's be real, it's more money for them. Honestly, management is nice, but the occupants really freaked me out. Oh my gosh.

This is just creepy. Talk about a horror movie. And oddly, weirdly validating for my anxiety, because when I was living alone in LA, I always thought that my neighbors cared about what I did. So I was constantly anxious about the stupidest little things. It's funny. Everything I did, including like the trash, things like the trash. Like if, if I took out too much trash, if I didn't take out enough, I was just anxious about every little thing. And then, you know, I started to feel a lot better and I thought, okay, that's kind of ridiculous. Why would anyone care? And now I'm hearing this

review and I'm like, well, those people are people are out there they care and they seem to make it clear that they care i feel like it's a very known thing when you're like living in a certain apartment complex or something where you kind of know like that neighbor has the loud dog or that neighbor comes home at 4 a.m every night drunk or whatever it may be um so i feel like i've people care in that way like they just give you kind of a general like like i my upstairs neighbor i think started working like or left for work at like 4 a.m every day oh i recall it was it was loud yeah um so yeah i don't know but this is so normal. That's just whatever. It's not like I'm going to complain about that. Like, it's whatever.

Well, you did put that camping chair outside his apartment to confront him at 6 in the morning. That's something else, but yeah. Yeah. That was something else? Okay. You were just camping. Yeah. Oh, okay.

Bought a new camping chair. Had to test it out somehow. People got it confused. Anyway, that's pretty bizarro. Creepy. That's like some Stepford Wives. I don't know if that's accurate, but something creepy. I will say, I bet they felt silly trying to sneak in, but that's what I would do.

I would absolutely avoid those people. Yeah. I'd be like, sit there all you want. I'm going in the front door and avoiding you. I took out my trash. I would look outside to see if anyone was there before I took out my trash. And no one even confronted me. It was like in that time that my neighbor, there was a fire.

Yeah. Because they had, I don't even remember what happened. Or there was a lot of smoke because they left like the stove on. Yeah. And like I heard the fire alarm or the smoke alarm. I was like, what's going on? Thankfully their door was open, so I could go in and turn off their stove

and take their birds out that were dying in there. You took the birds out? Yeah. Alexander, that's so nice. Of course. They were going to die in there. I didn't know there were birds in there. You're acting like I thought you left them there to die.

I just didn't know. Oh, well, of course. I didn't know there were birds. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. And. I didn't know there were birds. Yeah. Oh my gosh. And like, but still, after I did all that, I was so anxious. Of course. So anxious because I was like, did I do the wrong thing?

Going into someone's apartment. I was also doing COVID. It was like right, because I moved there right before COVID hit or like right as, it was like a bad timing. And I was so nervous. I was like, they're going to hate me. They're going to complain about me. I'm going to get in trouble.

You burdened out their birds, but for good cause. I mean, I just put them outside their door in the fresh air. And they flew away. Yeah. And they were never seen again. Oh, exactly. That's exactly what happened. I assume they were in a cage.

They were in a cage. Okay. I didn't have to like just fist a bird. That sounded like bare hands is what I was trying to say. I'm calling the police i was thinking double fisting like double fisting birds because they had two birds right i was on the fence about calling i come combine too many words thankfully i have my own police force on call so i'm gonna call them i'm just gonna read a review okay okay no birds were harmed okay

Okay. No birds were harmed, okay? My next review, this was sent in by Ashlyn Shee-They. I think this is my last one. This was sent in back in March of 2022, but it happens to be for a gated community called Mountain View Apartments. This is a one-star review. This is by Oscar. a gated community called Mountain View Apartments. This is a one-star review.

This is by Oscar. I lived here back in 2008. Worst apartment ever. Judging by the pictures, they must have done some major improvements, or at least hopefully they did. I moved into the unit with stains on the carpet and burn holes. My tub had cracks in it.

They promised me that the unit was supposed to be renovated and that I shouldn't more than a month for everything to be fixed. A year and a half I was there, no such thing ever happened. There is a gate, but don't worry, it's never working and always left open. There's a child gang that roams at night vandalizing the apartment complex.

Security does nothing about it. I lived right above the woman in the office who had four kids always running around and making noise, but somehow I always received complaints about making noise. FYI, I worked 45 plus hours a week and lived by myself. After I finally decided to move out, I gave proper notice and cleaned the apartment. They never gave me the deposit back.

Crooks and liars don't live here. End of review. Well, he cracked that bathtub in half, so he shouldn't be getting a deposit back. I fucking hate that security deposit bullshit. Did I complain on this podcast about the time when I hired people because I was moving out. I was so anxious with COVID. I didn't know what to do. Hired people to clean yeah um then later when my lease ended because i had left before my lease

was officially up um i got a charge a cleaning fee and i was like what the heck why did i get this cleaning fee i reached out i was like i actually paid people to clean what was wrong they're like oh no no we had people come in before your people without my permission when I was still leasing. Like, I still had time on my lease. Oh, no. So without even contacting me, he knew I'd left the state. So he had sent in people into the apartment. That's not cool, man.

I'm like, so I complained and they took it off. Man, there's always some shady shit. Oh, good. I'm glad they took it off oh yeah yeah it worked out it wasn't honestly not that bad of an experience like it worked out but you know who had the best experience the cleaners who came in second no literally who got to show up and went this place is really fucking clean and they cleaned up a cleaned place yeah that now that they probably were like so confused but hey hey hey, I'm glad BTW, they had a great day

Yeah, they had a great day I gave them a tip Because I, well actually I didn't even know Well sure Because they came in and were like Wow, this guy must be really anxious He cleaned so much for our arrival Or there's something mysterious

That we haven't found yet in a closet or something True, true, true The anxiety I just want to really quickly touch back, touch on that child gang. Oh, yes. That's basically the main thing from this. And there were other reviews that Ashlyn sent mentioning the amount of teens hanging out. Remember that child gang from our old apartment building?

This was in Glendale. Weren't there just like two of them? Yeah, there were two small children. Okay, I thought, huh. I'm pretty sure there were just two kids, but maybe it was a gang. There were two or three kids, but they were... Oh, now it's two or three. No, I think there were two

and then the third one kept trying to like hop along. Not hop, but you know. What was wrong with him? I mean, like tried to join the group. Tag along is what you're looking for. But the main two. The ringleaders, yes. The ringleaders?

They were a menace. They led nothing, but they were ringleaders. They were ringleaders of their little group. That's the thing. There was no group, so they were leading nothing. No one. Two makes a group. Okay. But they were both ringleaders, so how does that work?

Actually, one of them was the ringleader the other one was a co-ringleader anyway talk do you remember them yes they were a menace geo they love geo but they also had a youtube channel i'm no let me tell you this folks they were probably if i were to guess like maybe seven. They were really little. Like they were kids, kids. They weren't teenagers. And they had a YouTube channel and they would always film me. And I was like, you know, I'm an adult and you're small children and I don't think you should be filming me and putting me on your YouTube channel.

And so they would follow me around the apartment. They, like you said, love Gio. And he, by the way, is terrified of children. And so, like, I was like, please don't come, you know, running at him. He's scared of kids. Children don't have boundaries or don't. Yeah. Many children don't follow boundaries.

At least these ones didn't. And then they followed me one day, unbeknownst to me, and found our apartment. They followed me one day, unbeknownst to me, and found our apartment. And I had to tell you and Alexis, our friend who lived with us, that under no circumstances shall you open the door because these two small children, every day after school, began knocking on the door and saying, we want to come in for a play date. And I'm like, we're three adults living in this apartment complex. If anyone hears that these two little girls were having a play date in our apartment. They were lured by a dog. Seriously. A puppy.

I mean, come on. He was so cute. He was a cute puppy. He could lure anyone anywhere. But, you know, I would never use his powers for evil. But I was like, girls, I don't know how to say this to you except like you have to go home yeah and you cannot play here and that place while it wasn't gated it felt like a community type thing yeah it was kind of i mean it was like an apartment complex it was a complex yeah but it was definitely

very family oriented so you got a lot of families walking around and yes um we just were there with two small children trying to get into our apartment we would bang and bang and then they'd go i think i hear her in there and alexis was like trying to do yoga in the living room and we just kept hearing the bit and of course geo was barking like a freaking madman barking barking and they're like i think i hear her this is a nightmare like i want nothing to do with this anyway so child gangs i feel like closely uh close to my heart you know in the worst way i mean we were a child gang back in the day yes we also were menaces back yeah so that was karma right there

yeah it was you're right no okay that was all you had i think that was my last that was all i had oh perfect glad we ended on my wonderful storytelling do you want to actually end on Yeah, it was. You're right. Okay, that was all you had? I think that was my last one. That was all I had. Oh, perfect. Glad we ended on my wonderful storytelling. Do you want to actually end on my wonderful storytelling? Because I have a story that I need everyone to know about. Sure. I fell down a flight of stairs the other day. Oh my god, we haven't even talked about this in person yet.

I know. It was bad. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm here. I mean, you're not okay. I couldn't drive yesterday because my legs were so fucked. Folks, he fell down a set of basement stairs. Like hardwood onto concrete.

Like the floor is concrete and it's a lot of stairs. I mean, okay. No, it is. It's like a normal amount. It's like a full 13 or 14 steps and you fell on the second step. It was like a full like 13, 14 steps. And I fell at the top. And you fell on the second step. It was more like I fell and then slid. Like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Oh my God.

On my butt. My butt is so bruised. Oh my God. But thankfully it's like high up on my butt. I landed properly so I would be able to sit at my computer all day. Without being hurt. You were like matrixing yourself to land on. I also have like,

I don't know, it doesn't look too bad right now, but I like grabbed the wall because there's this big hole in the wall where we store like mason jars. You know, folks, it's a literal hole. It's a literal hole. In the plaster, yeah. And there just happens to be space for things.

So we store things there. But I grabbed that to try to keep myself from falling. So I scraped on my hand pretty good too. Okay, so Blaze said, I hope he didn't try to keep myself from falling. So I scraped on my hand pretty good too. Okay. So Blaze said, I hope he didn't try to grab the walls on his, well, of course you did, but he's like, I hope he didn't try to grab the walls on the way down. Cause he probably got tetanus from a loose nail or something. This is like a cellar.

Mom found my phone in there, in the wall. No. Cause I was using it as a flashlight and I fell. Your phone was in the hole. How did that? I don't remember. I fell. Your phone was in the hole. How did that happen? Christina, I don't remember. I feel like you were like, save yourself. No, yeah.

I had a laundry basket, empty laundry basket, so it wasn't heavy, in one hand. And then my phone in the other. And just took a step and completely slipped. I mean, just. I ordered some slippers, though. I'm saying they're not carpeted. They're those wooden slat stairs. It's like a cellar more than a basement.

I mean, it's a basement, but it's like a dirt basement. And mom heard, and she was saying she later looked at her Apple Watch at her heart rate, and it was normal. Then suddenly it spiked, and it went way down. Oh, my God. And she was in mom mode, like just like, cause she was right up near the top of the stairs and heard everything. She heard the tumble. And I have not been physically doing well with my health this past year.

To begin with, yeah. So her hearing me tumble down the stairs probably sent her into a tizzy. So my first thought was just yelling, I'm okay. Even though I don't, didn't know if I was, um,

I was probably the best thing to do though. And I didn't know if I was. I was. That was probably the best thing to do, though. And I immediately checked everything. I could move everything. I was fine. I didn't hit my head. No concussion. So it just hurt.

And then I've been really sore the past couple of days. Yeah, I was shaking for hours. Yeah, of course. It just scared me so bad. Anyway, I just wanted pity. So I fell down some stairs well i pity you that's for sure no that's i mean and he texted me and i didn't even get it i was like what you did what you were like hey um and it's because of the tone you sent it and you were like hey yeah so um do you mind if we talk about this uh in a couple hours i just fell down the basement steps from

the second step and not doing too well anyway. I could probably record this weekend and I was like, huh? Everyone I've told, I've said, I didn't hit my head. I'm okay. I'm just banged up. Which is kind of how it felt. I just felt like I... You know when people say they felt like they got hit by a bus? Yeah. I kind of felt that way. I've never had this bad of like aches. I still can't lift my leg properly. Oof.

And it felt like my knee was like, my range of motion was just gone for a couple days. And now I'm a lot better. Anyway, good times. What am I going to do with you? Buy some slippers and not, I don't know. Maybe you should stop doing doing laundry that's what d said first thing she said this is why someone else needs to do laundry for you oh okay time for my challenge

yes this was from grace and it is a challenge to find reviews where the reviewer mentions seeing a celebrity unexpectedly okay so exciting but really hard to research because searching for like you have to search for a specific celebrity because if you try typing saw someone famous then famous footwear any sort of no or celebrity cruise any like company with famous which by the way is a lot um so it was a little bit difficult, but I think I nailed it, so to speak. Do you have a list of celebrity you've seen? Yep. Who's on there?

Can I read you the first review and you'll see? Oh, yeah. Because I was like, I know who I'll look for. Someone I've seen. Oh, fun. Good idea. Right? Okay.

So this is of the Palomar in London restaurant. It's a five-star review by Jane. And the title is, Who Said the Food in London is Terrible? We arrived in London at 6.30 a.m. on a Sunday morning and had a delicious breakfast. I had been informed that breakfast would be our best meal, so I savored every bite. As breakfast was large, we had a late lunch, which was fortunate, as we did not have to wait at all to get into the Palomar. However, had we had to wait, it would have been worth it.

The Palomar is a tasting menu like most of the restaurants we visited in London, and every taste was delicious. As a bonus, as we left the restaurant, we saw Jude Law. No, this is a fucking joke joke you've never seen jude law in your life you liar i would highly recommend okay stop it finish i'm sorry i would highly recommend the palomar end of review christina you've never seen jude law i did at least one of the many times had to be real no No, that's not how that works. It is.

It doesn't have to be anything. The law of. Don't you point at every billboard and say, is that Jude Law? It's a statistical probability. We could be in the middle of nowhere, Ohio, and there's a billboard for a local dentist. And you'll say, is that Jude Law? And it's not. It never is.

But you've never proved that it's not. Christina, it's not up to me to prove. The onus is on you. You must prove that you saw Jude Law. I don't need to prove that you didn't see Jude Law. I can because I have a photo from Shanghai. I've seen it. It's not him.

Dad said it's him. Dad doesn't know who Jude Law is is he does because he saw him at the restaurant in shanghai and that was his first time he said oh okay and i said that's jude law and my stepmom said let's go get a photo with him and i said no and so instead i zoomed in and took a photo of him it's not it wasn't it wasn't i not. I can't believe I gave you this challenge without even considering the Jude Law potential for you. Your Jude Law whatever bullshit. Okay, I have one more. Well, I have a lot more, but I have another.

One more about Jude Law? Who are all these people pretending to see Jude Law? It's not pretending. I don't believe anyone saw Jude Law. The Surview Primrose Hill in London. This is a five-star view. And the title is One of the Best Views in London. Climb up to the top of the hill.

Yes, I know it's steep, but you will be rewarded with one of the best views of London. Stretching from London Zoo and Over Regents Park down to the London Eye and beyond. And when you have marveled at how lovely it is, you can go and have a cuppa or a glass of wine at one of the many restaurants on Regent's Park Road. Oh, and don't forget to keep your eyes open. We saw Jude Law. End of review. What?

Like, I don't know. I could see a lot of people out there looking like Jude Law. Right. You know, that makes sense. So all these people are wrong. It's not Jude Law. No, it is because these two places I searched and he's been seen a lot at these two specific places in London. Okay.

And I even found the farmer's market he goes to. That was kind of a side project. Too far. That was a side project too far that was a side project every time i look up pictures of jude law i'm like that doesn't really look like like i don't think you when people say oh this person looks more like jude law than jude law does yeah but in this case you're just saying that jude law doesn't look like jude law but there's no one that looks like i don't know yeah the people that i see are all jude law

like i've seen him in person. Where else did I see him? I'm trying to remember. Christina, where else did you see? You never saw him. I've seen him before. No. I think I have at least once.

Is that the end of your list, by the way? Just all these fake Jude Law sightings? It's a lot of Jude Law. Gwen Stefani. What? Where? At the Grove. That's cool i'm cheating i was there with a friend and my friend saw art gwen stefani was performing and i said where and then i missed her okay but i did see uh phil dunphy oh okay i sat next to him i saw beyonce what on stage oh fuck

that doesn't count no it doesn't count i saw saw Phil Dunphy at the, what's that art museum? You have to take a shuttle from the parking lot. Oh, the Getty? The Getty. It's not all outdoors. I know. It has that beautiful outdoor space. Yes, I love the Getty.

I saw Phil Dunphy there. That's cool. We saw Tony Hawk. We did see Tony. That was a good one. Because that was like an in-passing, like, wait, did we just see what we thought we saw? Yeah. I saw Oscar from The Office.

Where was that? Starbucks in Studio City across from where I worked when I worked for Yoshiki. That's pretty cool. I saw Yoshiki. Just kidding. I actually never did. You never did. No.

I saw him. I, by the way, avoided him like the plague. I saw Diane Warren when I worked for her. You did? That was a much better experience. She was actually a good human being. Let me see. Gene Simmons.

I saw him. He was one of the worst people I've ever met. Where did you meet him? He was a friend of Yoshiki. Same with Marilyn Manson. Oh, really? Great company. Wow.

I feel like this is... Anything about Alice Cooper? No. Isn't Alice Cooper not a terrible person? I don't know, actually. Okay, well, I was just asking because I may or may not have a little review here. Ooh! It's relevant.

Cool. John Mulaney. Oh, yeah. We saw John Mulaney. At brunch. We saw... At brunch. We saw...

This is so interesting for people. Who else do we see, though? I feel like we've done this before. We have at brunch. We saw... This is so interesting for people. Who else do we see though? I feel like we've done this before. We have done... We've literally said this like 85 times and it's so annoying. And we don't even live in LA anymore, but trust me, I know how annoying it is. Okay, in Cincinnati, I saw Sarah Jessica Parker once.

Cool. Yeah. So, you know what? Well, there. Yeah, there. Take that. Okay, this is a five-star review. It was sent in by Sasha Sheher, and this is of the Marquis of Granby in London.

It's not Jude Law, okay? I'm aware of that. I'm glad there's no more Jude Law. Oh, I thought you meant you're aware of it. Like, you're aware that none of these are Jude Law. Oh, well, that too. I'm saying this one is not about jude law i think it's about alice cooper no it's not yet oh yeah tricked me so this is a five-star view and it's probably my favorite one very beautiful pub the food was very nice and the staff attentive. Well decorated.

Definitely recommend. The fish and chips was excellent. Could have had a second portion. Swear I saw a famous person, but who knows? It could have just been a bird. End of review. And they responded, great. Thanks so much.

Hope to see you soon. Oh my gosh. That's a big bird or a small celebrity or a big bird celebrity or a celebrity bird yeah like big bird yeah or like bird man or like larry bird or like tweety bird true that's a great celebrity. I was trying to think of a bird that was a celebrity. It took me a while. Roadrunner.

Roadrunner. Mom loves Tweety Bird. Yeah, but she does, but she doesn't. Yeah, fair. She does, but I don't think she knows why or has ever seen this show. She doesn't have Tweety Bird flannel pajamas or something. I don't think she's ever even seen that show tom and jerry or maybe she has but i don't think that's why she likes tweety bird like i think it's like some other reason i don't think tweety bird's from tom and jerry oh what's he from tweety bird yeah he's very famous alexander you should know tweety bird sylvester the cat and

the old lady oh yeah that's very different than tom and jerry you're right so uh sasha who sent you should know. Tweety Bird, Sylvester the Cat, and the Old Lady. Oh yeah. That's right. Very different than Tom and Jerry. You're right. So Sasha who sent that in actually wrote, here's my contribution to Christine's challenge regarding seeing a, and then in parentheses, foul comma perhaps even pigwine celebrity unexpectedly. i just can't get over this review because it's so bizarre i think i saw a famous person but maybe it was just a bird i love that i will say there was also an i didn't i missed this last line but it just said um lovely area great selection blah blah boring boring need more birds more famous birds um okay now, those were my last, like, bona fide reviews. These two were from a Yelp forum.

Yes, okay, I love it. Where somebody said, who have you seen that's famous? I love it. And you know people love, including us, love to talk about who they've seen. And this is a response by Shana. I once met Alice Cooper at a McDonald in phoenix he was grabbing breakfast i think a mcmuffin on his way to play golf he was quite nice okay so that's that is right alice cooper golfer yeah he is yes interesting i did know i don't know i don't know why but when you

mentioned alice cooper my brain was like, I know weird things about Alice Cooper. Yeah, you were like, he's nice. He's a nice guy and he plays golf. How do you know that? It's not that interesting. I don't know much of anything. I know, but it feels like something. It's probably just because I'm on Reddit and Reddit has some random shit on there about celebrities, like Alice Cooper, I'm sure.

I'm sure it was on a reddit comment somewhere you knew so much about celebrities you would have known about the sylvester intuition you're so right i know so this is uh the last one i have it's a comment on this uh the same forum and bo responded this weekend in la i was in line at ral Ralph's with the dude who sings the FreeCreditReport.com song on TV. God, I hate that dude. Oh, no. Oh, no. I was so excited.

I thought that was so funny. I was like, what a celebrity. That is hilarious. Like, to notice the guy who sings the song. Something we've talked about before, but it's probably been a while. One of our first things we did when I moved to when i moved to la to and the first things we did together in la we went to trivia and there was uh one trivia night and the host who um was an actor um said that he had just been in a couple mcdonald's commercials or something

and he was he mentioned it briefly just blah blah blah and then like middle of the round i don't know within an hour someone shouts that his commercial is on the tv at the restaurant someone goes turn up the volume and everybody looks so we stop and watch this guy in the commercial it was and everyone cheers everyone's so excited for him and he was so like like obviously was a little shook that that happened, like in front of all these people just have. And but was so, I don't know. It was so nice. It was so positive and wholesome. Most LA, like wholesome LA moment of my life. It was just so like, we had just moved there. And we were like, is this what life is like here? Yeah, we've just come from fucking Ohio and whatever. I was like, what the hell? Our trivia host is on TV behind his own head?

It was pretty shocking. Wow. Anyway, that was pretty cool. So that was kind of a celebrity sighting. We saw that guy from those McDonald's commercials. We saw a celebrity while we saw his magnum opus at the same time. Yes, exactly. That was cool.

I thought you were talking about our other trivia host who was an actor in community for like two or three episodes. Oh, true. Inspector Space. He played one of the inspectors. One of the inspectors. And then I sort of befriended him. Yeah. Because I applied for a trivia job.

And by the way, I did not get it. Did not go well. I went and auditioned. I didn't even get a trivia job. And by the way, I did not get it. Did not go well. I went and auditioned. I didn't even get a callback. Well, because I had hosted trivia in Cincinnati. Yeah. Turns out it's a very different beast in California. Oh my gosh. You actually have to perform. For me in Cincinnati, I mean, you just have, I don't know, you can just read questions and follow the rules. In LA, you have to entertain. I went to this audition and they said, and I was very new to LA, had never taken an improv class. That would have helped. I got up there. They gave me a microphone. There was like an audience. I

mean, a panel of judges. And they said, I want you to pretend like you are a spanish soccer commentator and i was like i don't speak spanish and they're like yeah that's the point i was like what so stupid this is my audition and so i literally just screamed goal i like had no fucking clue what to do and anyway the the guy was there the the host guy and i talked to him for a while and I was like, oh my gosh, I saw you years ago at the trivia night and blah, blah, blah. Anyway, that's my story. That's a great story. Any story that ends in blah, blah, blah is a great story. Sorry.

All right. I'm done talking. Oh, nice. Okay. Good. Me too. Good job, Zandy. Thanks.

You too. We did it. Forever dog. Are we fired? All right. We'll Good. Me too. Good job, Zandy. Thanks. You too. We did it. Forever Dog, are we fired? All right. We'll see you next week. Talk to you then. Bye-bye. Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet is a Forever Dog production hosted and produced by Zandy and Christine Schieffer.

It's edited by Brian Heveron-Smith. Cover art by Courtney Aventura. Theme music by Mavis White, executive produced by Mariah Nicholas. Forever Dog Productions is Joe Cilio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Owen.