Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 217: Reviews of Stores that No Longer Exist

Episode Date: January 25, 2023

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to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast. But I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello everyone, welcome to Beachy Sandy Water 2 at the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. My name is X-Teen. My name is X-Zandy. How you doing? I'm doing good. How are you doing?

I'm so far away now. I know, it's great. Oh no, it's so hard, I mean, oh. How are you doing? I'm so far away now. I know. It's great. Oh, no. It's so hard. I mean, oh.

I feel like it's better because I can look at you instead of doing that weird turn when I was next to you. Yeah, true. Because I wasn't looking to you. I wasn't doing the turning. I was letting you do it. I was doing all of it. It was called a spinal flexion. I've been doing some yoga lately.

Ew. I've developed a lot of new terminology. Don't say that. Aren't you the one that doesn't like spines? Yeah. Why are you saying spinal anything? Because I knew it would bother you. Yeah, it does.

Okay. At the sake of my own. That's fine. If it bothered you too, I'm happy. Certainly. This theme is fun. Honestly, Yuggs and Err is one of the more exciting ones for me. I'm very excited to read these reviews. Let's just leave it at that. honestly, is one of the more exciting ones for me. Like some of the,

just, I, I'm very excited to read these reviews. Let's just leave it at that. I mean, let's not leave it at that. Okay. You can keep talking. Okay,

cool. Uh, yeah. So it's reviews of, uh, of places that no longer exist. Yeah. Um,

and then my, my challenge was, uh, to find a, from Natalie was to find a review where someone says something isn't as great as they remembered it being as a child. Oh, it didn't even occur to me that those would kind of coincide. Yeah, it felt very fitting. It's very nostalgic. Also, for the first month of the year, man, we're really starting kind of... Tell me, tell me how we're starting. I don't know. I was just thinking like, it's kind of nostalgic.

Just trying to fill her words, you know? January feels like a fresh start, but instead we're looking back. Wow. Yeah. God, that's deep, Christina. Tell me more. Keep going. Get out of here. I'm done. I know what you mean. I agree. It is very interesting.

You know what else is interesting? That we're recording these when we are. Why? Because it's so early. We're doing great. We're keeping up a schedule. Yeah, what's that all about? I don't know. I think you were wrong earlier. I think this one comes out in two weeks. This comes out last week of January, I think. Oh, okay. Actually, why did I ever think that you were wrong? Obviously, I don't know our dates better than you.

I don't know why I would pretend. I'm going to read a review. Obviously. Obviously, I don't know our dates better than you. I don't know why I would pretend. I'm gonna read a review. Great. This is of Borders Books, Music, Movies, and Cafe. Good times. This was a bookstore that was I think ended up being bought out by Barnes & Noble. Oh, really? I'm pretty sure. They were competitors.

Yes, they were. Big time. This was the one that was on Eastgate Boulevard in Cincinnati. Is that the one Renee and I used to hang out at? Maybe that was a Barnes & Noble. I don't know. Probably. I feel like we hung out more at Barnes & Noble.

Where the Dick's Sporting Goods was. That was a Barnes & Noble. That's the one where I bought all those copies of Nine Stories by J.D. Salinger. And the person checking me out uh was checking you out was checking me out and had a nine stories by jd salinger related tattoo man i still haven't found that person in the night yeah also uh that's where i bought a uh personality quiz book oh the scientology one no that one was free yeah we found that at a church actually remember that when didn't they have dianetics at like we did our local church

when we were young we were like we were there for like some art thing yeah for oh my god yeah for a gallery and we found we looked and they had all these books and stuff most of them very religious and then there's this Scientology. Dianetics section. Dianetics. It was so weird. Wait, did you know Patrick Sump used to work at Borders? Oh, I did know that.

I'm pretty sure you've talked about that. I'm not kidding. Oh, I talk about it all the time. Yeah. He worked there and during the holidays, people were like, who is that? If you don't know, check yourself. What are you doing here? Check yourself.

Speaking of... He's the lead singer of Fall Out Boy. Lost Loves and Soulmates. I was going to never say that, but I'm just reading between the lines here. He worked at a Borders, and during the holidays, when the holiday music, when the Christmas music would play, there was one song that drove him so crazy that afterwards he could never listen to it again. Paul McCartney, right? Yeah.

I know. Aw. Look, he listens to me. Or at least I've said it so many times it's just like wormed its way into his head. It's in there. Yep. Simply. You know that one.

Yeah. A wonderful Christmas time. That one. Which I like that song. Yeah, me too. I feel like there's not a Christmas song I actually dislike. Like even Last Christmas by wham yeah the thing is you hear it a lot but you only hear it with like in two a couple months yeah it's pretty it's yeah i agree with you alexander for once in this life so just like you said earlier this is a january at the end of january and we're

looking back we're like still doing this can We just can't leave. We cannot leave these holidays behind. Let's go back in time to a review, and we talked about this already, written over 15 years ago. Oh my gosh. That's what's so wild. So many of these reviews were just so old because these places don't exist anymore. This is a one-star review of that Borders bookstore. Selection of books is okay, but if you want service, find another bookstore.

Every time I go inside, I have to wait an eternity to get through the checkout line. It seems like only one person is allowed to work the checkout, and that person is the slowest person they could find. If you want a great bookstore, go to Barnes & Noble in Westchester. It's the best bookstore I have ever been in. End of review. Oh no. Yikes. Some of these really did feel very foreshadowing.

Very, yes. Yeah. Actually, I think maybe all of them. Yeah, no, definitely. Because all the negative ones, it was like, well, well, well. If only you knew how the next decade would turn out. Okay, I have something here. I know people are probably already annoyed that I'm not immediately reading a review. But Alex on Patreon suggested that I start with a story that actually was in the Januaryuary listeners episode friend that's why we drink oh yes i did see that comment it's kind of related interesting is that okay if i read it i don't care i mean i didn't ask the person who sent it but i'm gonna read it anyway i give their permission

okay ember yeah so ember they them sent this in and the title of the story is called Spending Cole's Cash in the Afterlife. Oh, dear. It's just like a little spooky story that kind of a crossover here, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like sometimes on, and that's featuring, I'll read a review of something and be like, this is a little crossover. So here we go. I live in a town in central New Jersey,

and we are home to a super creepy abandoned mall. It makes me a little sad because it used to be my go-to hangout spot in middle and high school. Okay, what was that quote from that recent episode we did? Turn off the light. Oh yeah, will the last one turn out the light like at the mall review? The mall Santa, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Though once I got rid of Suncoast and the Hot Topic topic there wasn't much reason to go there anymore i was still a little disappointed to see the downfall over the years you know it's bad when they tear down multiple walls to put a gigantic gym with big glass walls overlooking all

of the other empty storefronts on the far end of the mall there's a kohl's it's the only thing that's still open the rest of the mall is slowly being torn down piece by piece and the big glass doors in the coals that used to open up to the mall are closed and locked but you can still look through them and watch the mall decay. There are big potted plants that have been left there to die strewn about the corridors of peeling tile that is now stained green from the leaking ceiling. The doors to all of the old shops are covered with boards and there are hefty nets of cobwebs hanging from the yellowing skylights. I have to keep reminding myself this isn't like a Yelp review because I'm like, wow, this is the best written Yelp review I've ever heard. Fox? No.

You can see the particles of dust and debris hanging in the blue air, and last I looked through, I swear I saw a rat just wandering around the old pretzel stand. Lucky rat. I know, what pretzel stand. Lucky rat. I know. What a dream life for that rat. I mean, I don't know what their lifespan is, but they might be able to survive long enough and live a full, healthy life in there. I think I said this on An S.O.A. Drink, but I'm sure most of the food crumbs that got left behind will never decay.

They're not biodegradable. Oh, yeah. Mall food? None of that food. So true. Yeah. So it'll be there for- Sbarro's. Yeah. Panda Express. Panda Express. Oh, man. Love it. All that being said, I avoid this Kohl's like the plague, though the employees are always very nice.

It's always understaffed. The people who shop there are generally not the most pleasant people. And if I'm being honest, the setting stings a little with nostalgia, and I can't help but take a few minutes to look through those doors and remember how great this mall used to be when I was young. But on this day I had to stop at Kohl's because in my tiny little town there are no other places to drop off Amazon returns. So boxed up return in hand I paused at the door noticing the potted plants had finally dropped most of their brown leaves and headed to the back. It was uneventful I gave the woman my return and headed to the bathroom. I had an appointment at the DMV in 45 minutes, and I really didn't want to get stuck in line while having to pee.

I picked the stall all the way on the end. The store was empty enough I figured taking the biggest stall wouldn't be a big deal. I would be in and out in a minute. But just as I was about to flush and pull up my pants, I heard the bathroom door open, and someone rushed into the stall closest to the door. I froze. My public bathroom anxiety spiked. If I flushed, they would know I was here, and that's so true.

Don't let them know. Oh, amen. I heard the woman start violent. My fear is when I take the- Uh-oh. Christina, you can't start that sentence and just suddenly cut it off. I really did just leave at the biggest- My mind is racing. Cliffh racing. Which one is it?

I heard the woman start violently puking. Okay. It was an awful sound. Honestly, that's probably the best. It could be worse. It could be worse. I heard the woman start violently puking. It was an awful sound and I stayed silent trying to hold my breath. It was an awful sound and I stayed silent trying to hold my breath. Sorry. This is like out of a. Like it sounds hilarious. Like weirdly funny. I'm sorry. Not for the person or ghost puking.

I don't know if this is a real. But funny like being super quiet while someone's violently puking next to you. Just like don't want. And your main concern is I just don't want them to know I'm here. And at that point it's too late.'re like i've committed enough yeah that now if i flush it's gonna be startling and they're gonna be like yeah yeah that's when you start thinking about how they're gonna feel yeah yeah yeah i feel like they probably pulled their legs up so that they can't be seen underneath but my fear is always if i take the big stall and someone comes in i'm like oh no

what if they need this stall and i used it it. And anyway. Okay. So I heard the woman start violently puking. It was an awful sound and I stayed silent trying to hold my breath. After a few seconds, the sound shifted from puking to an inhuman, wet, guttural groaning, followed by a wheezing, raspy inhale, exhale, and then the groan again. It sounded like she was having some kind of seizure or an asthmatic fit, but before I could say anything, I heard her leave the stall, not even bothering to flush the toilet, and I heard the wheezing get closer and closer, as well as the other stall doors being pushed open. I know! She was walking up the bathroom toward my stall. I stood up, trying to pull up my pants as quickly as I could, when she started violently shaking my door. I yelled up, trying to pull up my pants as quickly as I could, when she started

violently shaking my door. I yelled out, hang on. This is a violent creature. Yes, it is. I yelled out, hang on one second, I'll be right out and then I can help you. But the second I opened my mouth, the room went silent. Thinking she'd dropped dead or something right outside my stall, I unlocked

and flung the door open, only to see that I was alone. What? The bathroom was empty and silent silent the door to the stall on the far end was open and the toilet was clean the second it registered in my brain what had just happened i ran out of the bathroom i saw no one in the immediate area no customers no employees and i power walked to my car pausing only to glance out the glass doors at the decomposing mall that now seemed much more ominous and nostalgic i ran my car so quickly that i smacked my head on the door as i shoved Oh, that's hilarious. far with about 40k views and the um the title of uh cole's spending cole's cash in the afterlife was uh their top comment on tiktok oh that's hilarious yeah so anyway uh i just was like what a wild to get us in the spooky mood of abandoned stores you know yeah i didn't have

a spooky thought when i was doing this research now you do but now i do now everything is so much more sinister some spookiness and yeah every single border is probably yeah i will say that was like the main complaint were those freaking bathrooms really i'll get to that because i have like two more borders reviews i hear that sometimes if you stand really quietly in a borders you hear simply having a wonderful christmas time but it's in a minor stump puking it's it's impuking when the. But it's in a minor key. Patrick Stump puking. It's him puking when the song starts. It's really tragic.

Anyway, thank you, Ember, for sending that to another podcast. And then I stole it again. Yes, thank you. From myself. Thank you for now bringing it to me. Yeah. We're going back to Aborders. Great.

This one is in Sterling, Virginia. This is a two-star review by Mark. I've really nothing more to say about this Borders location except what's already listed in my quick tip. Free Wi-Fi. First time I ever saw an overflowing urinal, waterfall-like, in a men's restroom. Crazy! Yep, that's pretty much it. The place looked a bit disorganized and the Wi-Fi was a bit flaky. Prices are high and I find it harder and harder to motivate myself to pay full price for a book when I can find it much cheaper on Amazon.

Sorry, Borders. That's just not my sort of bag, baby. You can keep your overflowing urinal, spotty Wi-Fi, and high-priced books. End of review. I just like how these are just very time capsule-y. It feels old. Quoting Austin Powers. Wait, not my bag? It's not my sort of bag, baby. Yes, I was like,

why does this feel so old? That's probably why. And being impressed by the fact they have free Wi-Fi. Free Wi-Fi! Yeah, I saw so many reviews about free Wi-Fi at these borders, and I'm like, wow! That was an actual point of like a positive point which means that we've just gotten very spoiled yeah yeah exactly um wow that

is something yeah these are like little time capsules i saw someone who was like wow i can get the wi-fi from the parking lot like this is great oh my gosh it was so funny i was like man what the heck oh my gosh the life we used to live i guess so now it's like i just i don't know i bet there's wi-fi on mars no no really probably not okay i don't know wi-fi on the plane i'll ask you they're always telling me like connect to wi-fi there's free wi-fi it's free well for me because i have t-mobile yeah delta true yeah um but on some flights it's free already even just messaging yeah just messaging a lot of time like holy crap what the heck works pretty darn

well we're in a metal tube in the sky what the heck don't remind me how does that work get on one of those tomorrow almost like we're closer to the satellites or something i don't know mars is next oh i know wow i called it here right here now2024. So this is our review of Toys R Us. Now, boy, did I have a blast looking up reviews of Toys R Us. Yeah. Did you see, so I was just at a Macy's recently, and they had like the Jeffrey, the giraffe, Joffrey, Jeffrey. Did you say Joffrey? What did you say? Jeffrey or Joffrey. Is it Joffrey?

I knew a Joffrey who spelled it that way. Really? Yes. It's Geoffrey. Wait, how do you spell Geoffrey? I don't know. Nevermind. Maybe it's not spelled the same way. Probably not. I knew a Geoffrey. Was it spelled Geoffrey? Yes, it was. Interesting. I think that might be how you spell it. For some reason, I thought it was. That is, yeah. Okay, yeah. So i knew someone who had that spelling named joffrey whoa anyway i'm sorry um he was at macy's joffrey so yeah i think toys r us and macy's like the toys r us brand still exists yes it does oh yeah and i think they have something going on you're totally right i looked that up i think they the brand is now sold under like the yeah and 10 years from, those Macy's will probably be at like, I don't know, Nordstrom. SpaceX.

Nordstrom brings you Joffrey the Giraffe and Macy's. It's all going to be all into the same conglomerate just like every other business. With free Wi-Fi. As long as they have free Wi-Fi. No complaints here. I also want to say like I saw later that some people sent in Toys R Us reviews. So I feel kind of, I don't know, bad that I just went and, like, I found some last night. And I know that some people sent other ones in.

So I don't know if they're the same or not. Oh, okay. So I promise I didn't. We did get a lot of submissions from our patrons. I know, I know. So this is one I found of To r us in woodbridge virginia this is by ashley ashley says one star worst experience the manger told me they don't price match and then i had every employee following me and telling me i was only able to get one hatchimals that one star for me that's awful end of discussion and telling me I was only able to get one Hatchimals.

That's one star for me. That's awful. End of discussion. The only one that was nice was a young man that would in the back held on to the one Hatchimals. So I was able to get it for my child. And if you're going to have it one person per one, put up a sign. This place is a joke.

Will not be going back. End of review. So apparently there was a time where. This is another time capsule type of review. Hatchimals, one per customer. One per customer. It was a big thing at one point. I love that they're like following her around being like, put that back.

Yeah. Only one Hatchimal. We don't price match your Hatchimals from wherever else you buy Hatchimals. I don't know where one buys Hatchimals. Macy's. Macy's. Macy's now. Now owned by Borders and Barnes & Noble. I like that the young man in the back is nice, but he held on to the Hatchimals.

He's the hoarder. Yeah, what is he doing? He's like a dragon sitting on his hoard of Hatchimals. Oh, yeah. Joffrey. Yeah, Joffrey the dragon. Yeah. Makes sense.

Anyway, so I just. I love that. I saw Hatchimals and I thought of you. Thank. Makes sense. Anyway, so I just... I love that. I saw Hatchimals and I thought of you. Thank you. You're so great. I love Hatchimals. I know you do. I love Monty Jr., my Hatchimal child.

You only have one because it is one per customer. It was one per customer, so true. My next one is of Borders Books in Highland, Indiana. And this is a one-star review. This is by Paul. And this is a one-star review. This is by Paul. And this is relevant. They were the first to review this location. Does it say what year?

Over 15 years ago. I like that they just stopped writing the date. But it's funny. It says that and then says over 14 years ago for the next one. It's like, okay, so it's between 15 and 16 probably. There must have been a chunk of years where they didn't put the date or something. Oh, that could be. That would make sense. And so it's just

kind of in that range. Yeah, that actually makes sense. Yeah, I do sometimes. Rarely. Rarely, that's okay. Here's a one-star review. I wish that whenever a business received its first Yelp review, it got a little postcard in the mail saying, you've been Yelped. Oh, God. that's a threat. That is a threat. I feel like that's getting served your papers. Like, you've been yelped?

I mean, dear Lord. Guess what, that's kind of how Paul wants it to be. Oh, it is. Freddie, because this is a one-star review. Oh, I see. He wants it to be carried by Carrier Pigeon to the arms of the manager. Okay, got it.

To Patrick Stump. To Patrick Stump. Yeah. I really wish that the managers of the Borders Books and Music in Highland could read this review and realize how badly their management skills suck butt. Sure, it has great books, music, so on and so forth, but it's a Borders. I could go to any Borders and get the exact same stuff, but probably with a much better atmosphere.

This review stems only from my pure and unadulterated hatred of the bathrooms. They're filthy disgusting. Seriously, I've never seen a worse bathroom. I'd much rather use a gas station bathroom rather than the pee troughs that they call restrooms. Did they have troughs? Oh no. I loved a good, I love a good pee trough. I can't. Every single time I've had to go to the bathroom to use it, freshen up, wash my hands, get a tissue, whatever, it's always a disgusting sight. For starters, I don't think I've ever been there when there has been toilet paper. For as long as I can remember, I've always had to resort to using paper toweling or some Kleenex I had stuffed in my purse. Secondly, the toilets are rarely operating,

and if they are, they're not usable at all. They're either overflowing, or they look like someone just had violent diarrhea and refused to flush it down. The floor seems to catch some of the overflow as well. Thirdly, they stink like you-know-what. Obviously, I haven't been in the men's room. By the way, this person's name is not Paul.

Paula. Paula. Paula. It's maybe more like it. To be honest, their name was Meow P, and their picture was of a sloth. You just randomly... I just thought, you know, I'm a man. I'm going to give it a manly name like Paul. You're a man who likes cats and sloths.

Yeah. So Paula.oths. Yeah. So Paula continues. Sorry. Obviously, I haven't been in the men's room, but my boyfriend tells me that the situation is identical. He's been in it several times when he said it looks like multiple craps have been taken in the toilets and never flushed. Jesus. I've come to the conclusion that perhaps it is the workers defecating. Oh, my God.

Pun intended. The washrooms. Because how could they be this terrible every time I've used it? Shame on you, borders in Highland. Shame on you. End of review. All right. Wow.

Do you understand that pun? No, it's not a pun. I don't think it's a pun. I think defecating is a pretty clear. Yeah. If they had said the employees shitting the bed, that would be a pun. But defecating is just defecating, right? I don't think there's many layers to that word, you know?

I feel like... Oh, and these toilets are plenty of layers to that word. That's so gross to me. So many deposits. I'm done with that. Also, I like how they say, they talk about violent diarrhea, and then a sentence later, they stink like you know what. I was about to say that. You can't say it.

I stopped myself. I stopped you. I stopped myself. I stopped you. I stopped myself from interrupting you. No, I'm with you. But I had that same thought. I was like, you know what? Diarrhea? You just said it.

Yeah, you just said what each one is full of. Wow. Anyway. You know, I didn't think that that first story I read to you from Ember would be so closely correlated to all of your reviews, but I feel like there's some crossover here. There is some crossover. It's a little unfortunate that it's about you know what. Paula is that ghost.

No, Paula had nothing to do with the defecation of the bathroom, no pun intended. I was taught something very valuable when I was younger. I'm not, I mean, I know we taught something very valuable. I'm not sure if you were taught the same thing. We did grow up together, but, you know, we have different life experiences. Barely. What I learned at a young age that has stuck with me just through my whole life is whoever smelt it dealt it. And Paula here is writing an entire Yelp review

about smells. Yes, thou doth protest too much, Paula. Exactly. See, that's how you learned it. That's how I learned it. See, that's where our differences come in. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I learned it in Shakespearean.

I was always a little more advanced. Exactly, yeah. Not. Well, you were in AP English. I was in remedial English. Yeah. I don't think that was a thing in our school. There wasn't, but you know. But, you were in AP English. I was in remedial English. Yeah. I don't think that was a thing at our school. But, you know, I should have been.

Might as well. But, yeah, too bad last week you were telling me all about great expectations and I was pretending like I'd read Animal Farm. So I don't think that that's really a fair comparison. Okay, true. But, yeah, I feel like she is protesting a little too much and honestly pointing the finger at like all these employees, which is like, why would it be all the employees doing this? Like they're the ones who are now responsible for. Yeah, they don't want this. They don't want it to be that way, I imagine.

I mean, obviously they're not really cleaning it, but somebody's going to have to and it's probably them. Unless the employees are pranking each other, you know. What a fun game. Yeah. Oh, whose turn is it on the bathrooms today? Oh, ho, ho, ho. Good thing I saved something up. Good thing I ate Chipotle for lunch.

Did that exist back then 15 years ago? I don't know. I think so. Quiznos. Quiznos. Famous poopy food. We like some food. Yes.

Exactly. You get it. But that's something with bookstores. Like Barnes & and noble their bathrooms are i think very nice i've never like normally i yeah i don't think i've been in a bad barnes and noble bathroom i'm sure many people are protesting right now and they might be protesting too much because they're the ones that are at fault photos um it's my first it's happened before we don't need more we don't need more. We believe you.

And that's a meme. I saw a tweet or a TikTok where there's something about a Barnes & Noble where you go into a Barnes & Noble and you really have to poop. But the other one is TJ Maxx. And people say. I don't really go to TJ Maxx. I do. And I've never had that. And usually when I read something like that, I'm like, oh, I get it.

But I'm like, I don't. I've never had that experience you don't count you have a chronic illness it's true that's true um your experiences don't matter to me no comment no but yeah i've heard that about barnes and noble and tj max and i'm like i don't think i've tk max for some of you but actually i do think i've experienced that in a Barnes & Noble. Yeah, me too. I mean, it's just something about it. It's a Barnes & Noble thing, huh? Yeah. Interesting. I did experience it in an REI, and

the problem was there was only one stall, and the guy was... I heard someone watching videos. I don't know if it was TikTok or YouTube, and just sitting there watching videos. And I, of course, don't like if it was TikTok or YouTube. And just sitting there watching videos. And I of course don't like confrontation so I just waited. It took

a long time. Oh no. Did you knock? No no no. Like on the stall? No. Because it was very clear he was in there. Oh so it was a door. And there's a urinal and then a Oh shit. No pun intended. No pun intended. No pun intended.

Anyway, I don't know why I told that story. It was just on my mind. Well... It was a very terrible story. The second something's on our mind, we really have zero self-control. That's what... We make a living that way. So tragic for really everybody.

Yeah. So this is a one-star review of Toys R Us. Fortunately, as far as I know, is not lumped into this group of stores. Toilet talk? Toilet. Yeah. It doesn't create this toilet feeling that apparently some of these stores do. So this is a one-star review by an elite 2023 user. I bet so many kids pooped in a Toys R Us, though.

Probably. Out of excitement? Yeah. Or fear when Joffrey and his Hatchimals come. Both at the same time. Oh, man. Maybe both ends at the same time. I'm saying they're stopping.

Like that ghost probably did. That poor ghost. I mean, you heard all the sounds. There were so many sounds. It's a horrible thing to live in the afterlife, and that's what keeps replaying you know your food poisoning or whatever that's not terrible yes i want to look up that place and see if a ghost died there well you know if a ghost died there i just feel like ghostbusters what they managed to kill a ghost there zach bagans is like this cold has been haunted for a while.

Watch as the decaying leaves, just like Tony Steele's Ember's fucking sentence, the rat lives on his PF chain, on his Panda Express feast. All right, this is a one-star review by Taryn of Toys R Us. Literally the world's worst Toys R Us. The shelves are disheveled boxes are thrown everywhere

the layout isn't intuitive and the staff is beyond horrible i've had multiple bad experiences here including trying to return an item with a receipt they wouldn't take it back waiting in line for over half an hour to check out because they were understaffed. And one time an employee literally Oh no. I forgot what I was like something weird is about to happen and I can't remember what. And one time an employee literally bit a

train I was purchasing. What? To see who was chocolate? Why would you need to do that? You're onto it. And one time an employee literally bit a train I was purchasing with her teeth because she said it didn't seem like real wood. Because it didn't seem like real wood, even though the box was labeled as such. Super weird and uncomfortable. End of review.

So this was a return? Or wait, or something they were buying? They were buying this. So then what's the problem? Why does this employee need to bite it it was in a box she took it out and bit it to see if it was real and this is so absurd that i'm sure it happened you know especially when you mix it with oh i waited in a long line once they wouldn't take my return with a receipt yeah and anyway then this one lady bit my toy. I wonder how many toys that employee bit over the years. Okay, well, there was an employee at this

Toys R Us that apparently always had something in her mouth that wasn't supposed to be there, like her hair or like an item from the I don't know. Maybe it was just a compulsion or something. I have no idea. But it seemed to be like a pattern. I'm sure there are a lot of worse places than a toy. I don't know. A lot of fingies. A lot of fingies.

Sticky fingies. Well, it fits in the box still. Well, she took it out and bit it. Yeah. First to bite it. Yeah. Yeah. Just one bite.

Leave your mark, you know? Just leave your literal tooth mark. Yeah. That way, in case you go missing. I was going to say, if something happens to anyone owning these toys and they match the dental records, uh-oh, this person might be going away for a crime they didn't commit. Going down. I mean, they might have committed a crime by biting these toys.

I think they committed. I'm no lawyer. It sounds like they've committed a social social crime, you know, which. There was something off, something not okay about biting toys. Yeah, especially, I mean, you know, in 2017, it was weird and gross probably, but now it's like a full on health hazard. My next one, this comes from Natalie, same Natalie who gave me my challenge. Great. This comes from Natalie, the same Natalie who gave me my challenge. Great.

And this is of Mervyn's in San Luis Obispo. And here is, first, it's a comment, kind of a five-star review of, I'm calling it a five-star review, about the place. And I'm going to read that, followed by a one-star review. And I feel like the five-star review gives a little context. Okay, because I don't really know what this is. Oh, yeah. I think a department store. Okay. Worked at Mervin's in San Luis Obispo, California, from 1983

to 1985 while I was in college. I was part of the team that opened the store. I worked in the shoe department. Most fun I've ever had on a job. A coworker and I used to see how much beer we could drink in our 15-minute break. Laughing emoji, laughing emoji, laughing emoji, laughing emoji. The dream. Crying laughing.

Whoops. Yeah, end of review. Oh, that's it? Yeah, yeah. That was good. So that was their little comment. I assume this was about the place closing or something. Talk about nostalgia.

And they just shared some memory. So that's the kind of service you get at a Mervin's, apparently. I love it. And here's a one-star review on Yelp of the Mervin's from over 16 years ago. Oh, wow. We're pushing it now. This location's items are just like every other location's. If you want to know more, you can read the other reviews, but the employees here are horrible.

The cashiers always work as slow as possible. I often wonder if they are trained to work slow, so you might want to shop until there is a smaller line, rather than stand there for 30 minutes. Okay, that seems like a stretch of a strategy. Agreed. Like, please work as, like the management is like, work as slowly as possible. I don't think that's going to work. That makes no sense to me. If you make it up to the counter, you will feel kicked in the groin. What? Oh. Oh. That's it? No, no, no, there's more. I just, I don't know. That just was its own paragraph. Oh, sure.

I waited in line for 30 minutes once to pay my Mervyn's card that I didn't have with me. Generally, I give them my ID and they punch my name into their system and I can pay my bill. I waited and waited, only for the guy to stare clueless into the screen with the line behind us growing longer. He paged the store manager and she came over and stared clueless at the screen and said something along the lines of, Oh, that was our old system. We can't do that anymore. I was a little mad, but even more so when I asked them how I can pay my bill and all they

said was, we don't do that anymore, sir, and took the next customer in line. They were of absolutely no help. Another time, I'd picked out a nice long-sleeved shirt and waited in line to purchase it. An extra long line, mind you. I got up to the counter and they looked at my shirt and couldn't find a UPC on it to scan into the register. Where did you get this? They interrogated me and then beckoned that I go to where I found the shirt. Where did you get this?

It's like in an employee locker, like somebody changed during their lunch break. Then beckoned that I go to where I found the shirt, which was across the freaking store, and bring them the tag. Not thinking about it till I was halfway there, I got pretty mad. I grabbed the cardboard pricing insert for the shirt in question,

as there wasn't another one on the rack, and brought it back to the cashier. The line hadn't moved at all, and the guy just stood there with a dumb look on his face waiting for me to bring him a price. He looked at it and said he couldn't do anything with this, and then asked me to show him where the shirt was found. After waiting in line and hurriedly walking across the store for this guy's incompetence to shine like the sun, I told him to go fuck himself and promptly left.

End of review. Whoa! And then the guy had a nice 15 minute break with plenty of beer. I hope so. And no shirt. He was like, where did your shirt go? It's over that one. That's so weird.

I thought I brought an extra shirt to work. Yeah, I do like that. Like, where did he find this? Where did you find this? As if it was a long lost shirt. They interrogated. It's like King Arthur's sword. Like, where did you find the secret shirt? You're our manager now that you found the shirt. They interrogated. It's like King Arthur's sword. Like, where did you find the secret shirt?

You're our manager now that you found the shirt. Oh my God. He's like, he takes off his apron. He's like, thank God. It's your problem now.

And then all the employees kneel and down for him. And you know, that's what happens. It sounds like a great, great moment. Oh, it's beautiful.

I'm so excited. I'm writing Mervyn's fan fiction. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go? By the way, That was beautiful, because I remember writing Mervyn's fan fiction. Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. This episode is brought to you by RBC Student Banking. Students, get $100 when you open an RBC Advantage banking account, which includes no monthly fee, unlimited debit transactions in Canada, Avion points on debit purchases, Here's a review of... by August 30th, 2024. Visit rbc.com slash student100. Here's a review of Toys R Us.

Yes. This is by Kim. It's a one star. Awful. For a big box retail store in the busiest time of the year, Christmas, they get a big fat zero. Go in to get a non-sale regular stocked item for a present

and find out that the checkout line was over 10 deep with only one register open. What a shock. I used to work in retail for 10 years, an operations manager, and never would I allow such a reprehensible act to occur on the most profitable time of the year. I mean, to be fair, she hasn't heard the Mervin's way of slow service. Keep them shopping. It's a strategy, apparently. Get with the times, Kim. Come on. So I asked the manager who was nearby, and he said sorry,

and didn't even try to pull a stock person from the back or another register open himself. Wow, what a true disappointment because I used to open up a register to help the line when I worked as a retail manager and showed my subordinates that I was never afraid to do what cashiers or stock people do. Jesus, this is not coming across the way I think they wanted it to. Yeah, yeah. I left my purchases and left the store thinking, how do they ever stay in business? Guess time will tell. End of review.

And it did. Time did tell. And famous last words. Yikes. Yikes. So yeah, my subordinates. I hope she's dropped that language because it's not a good look. I mean, it seems like she's no longer in that type of a position.

That's true. So that's good. Now I can just post about it on Yelp. Now she can talk about her other subordinates in whatever career she's in. My next one is from Felicia who sent in some reviews and I'm going to read one of The Limited. That doesn't exist anymore? I'm trusting Felicia here. I don't think so.

I haven't seen one in years. I mean, I just don't go to the mall, so I don't know. But yeah. Wikipedia says the limited was. So yeah. After 2007, it became a brand originally owned by Sun Capital Partners, which who the fuck knows what they own. You know what that sounds like?

That oak tree thing. Oh, true. Wait, Sycamore Partners? That's literally in the same sentence. No. Yes. My goodness. Isn't that what we talked about?

I feel like it was. Sycamore Partners owns the Limited. Come on, holdings or whatever. Yeah, their holdings include Hot Topic. Oh my gosh. That's what we talked about. It's happening. And the limited acquired in

2017 everybody stay calm and express as of january 2021 you guys i had such an express phase because when i dated blaze he was in such an express phase when i think of express i think of blaze i always think of blaze too i've gotten some good stuff yeah he would wear like their V-necks. Oh, Lord, help me. Yeah, yeah. To be fair. I wore V-necks back in the day. My favorite sweatshirt was a sweatshirt with shiny letters that said, I hate running. And Blaze got it for me on our first Christmas. We celebrated together from Express. And then one day in the new year, I decided new year, new me.

This was the olden days. And you got a shirt that says, I love running. No, I had my I hate running shirt in my duffel bag. I went for a run at Lunkin Airport. I ran one mile for like the first time in my life. And I got back and my car had been broken into and they had stolen my I hate running shirt. And my golf clubs. They had also stolen much more valuable things like my laptop passport and your golf clubs.

But I think just like the cherry on top was my Why would they take that? I hate running shirt. Because I just thought to myself, if only I had listened to that fucking shirt, we wouldn't be in this mess right now. This the limited. Is that how I would say that?

This the, oh, oh. This location. No wonder they went out of business. If you can't say that? This the, oh, oh. This location. No wonder they went out of business. If you can't say it in a sentence, like what do you expect? This is in Lone Tree, Colorado. Lone Tree? Or it was. Lone Tree.

L-O-N-E. I'm thinking like Lending Tree, like Lone, L-O-A-N. And I was like, this capitalism shit is getting dystopian as fuck. Lone Tree. Oh, it's gotten there. Here's a one-star review. This is by Tina. Had a horrible experience at the Park Meadows location. I was being ignored because the personal conversations

between the two associates were more important. They didn't even know the product they had. And while I was in the fitting room, they talked about me and asked each other if that bitch has left yet. After contacting the corporate, sorry, I don't think they meant it that way, but it's so funny to me that they said the corporate. That's actually what the limited calls all their departments. I would not be surprised. The HR, the corporate. That's so bad. After contacting the corporate, I got a 40% coupon and not even an

apology from the store manager. If you don't want to be humiliated, I suggest you stay away from that horrible, horrible customer service in an entire company. They don't take care of the customer. End of review. Has that bitch left yet? Can you imagine? This is why i'm like yes i can

i'm like ember i hide i'd be like yep she's gone it's not me don't look under the stall it's not me but exactly but you wouldn't be i hope not like in this kind of position and stuff and also like if you were the customer you wouldn't no one would say that about you in my opinion if these customers these employees are saying that to each they see a lot of shit i'm sure every single day yeah and if you're they're calling you names behind your back you might be maybe not fully in the wrong but maybe consider how you've acted in that yeah maybe you've really set them off in a way that, yeah. I'm not saying you deserve this, but at the same time, there was something that made them feel this way. I'm just saying you're obviously a huge bitch. You're just terrible.

A terrible human being. No. Yeah. That just, my hives start to break out when I think about being in a changing room and hearing someone talking about me. Happened to me. Really? Yeah. What'd they say?

It was at Lululemon when there was that person who was a fan of the show. They were like... So it was the opposite experience. Yeah, it was. Of this person. It was. That sounds delightful. It was great.

Aw. Anyway. Must be nice. Good times. Good times. So this is, let me see, a review of Toys R Us. This is only from 2017, which doesn't feel that long ago for what the context is. Like if you were to guess, you'll see.

It just threw me off. And this is under reviews that are not currently recommended. And it's a one-star review by Blair. The Justin Bieber dolls here are hideous. I'm never going to shop here again. I'll make sure my friends and fellow Beliebers don't either. End of review. No wonder they went out of business.

You're right. We've got to the bottom of it. Yeah. No wonder Toys R Us hid this review. We don't need this getting out. We can't let this get out. We can't let the Beliebers find out. Toys R Us, Justin Bieber dolls.

What? Like, I'm curious, is this like an action figure type looking? Is this like a Barbie thing? I was picturing like an action figure, but I don't know. Yeah, it looks like, it's a singing Justin Bieber. Oh, Lord. Yeah, it looks like it's a singing Justin Bieber. Oh, Lord.

Oh, I mean, they tried to get the iconic hair, like back from the baby face, you know, the very like, yeah, the same hair I had. I don't think they hit the nail on the head. Let's just say that. So I get it. I. Are you going to join the ranks? I'm with them. The rally. Yeah, I'm with them. I'm going to I'm going to join the ranks? I'm with them. The rally?

Yeah, I'm with them. I'm going to march alongside them. The rallying cry of the believers. Yeah. After I buy this for $37 on eBay. Oh. By Blair? That's weird.

Blair 105 is posting this on eBay. Trying to make a profit. I'm going to tell the other Beliebers about this. Oh, my God. I had no idea this was a thing. This is so funny. I clearly obviously didn't either. I love it.

I want a doll of myself, I mean. Well, Augsinner, famously, you've not allowed me to get a doll of myself for almost a year now. So get over yourself. You're not me, though. So what? Okay. almost a year now so yep get over yourself you're not me though so what okay um my next one was sent in by mahali who says dear sheifer sibs do restaurants count um sure is what i say um honestly anything counts yeah so this is uh this is a review of uh cre Bakery. It's a bakery in Austin, Texas. Was. It was because Mahaley said a number of local businesses did not survive the pandemic here in Austin.

That's sad. It's very sad. If an independent business can't survive in Austin, where can it survive? I mean, that's just so sad to think about. And it says, it was funny because the subject is 217 stores that no longer exist. And I was like, wow, there's a list of 217 stores that no longer exist. Oh, I saw that too. And I thought, okay, if I run out.

Oh, I didn't get it until just now. That's just the episode number. I thought like. We don't even know. 217. It's, I'm so, yeah. I'm glad you were on the same page. I was.

So this is a one-star review, but I'm mainly bringing this to the table for the manager response. So first I'll read the one-star review. This place is horrible. I waited two hours in line for a $30 prepaid pre-ordered chocolate pie that was not refrigerated and melted.

The owner herself had a nasty attitude that was not willing to replace or refund my money. I would not recommend this place at all. This experience was my first and definitely my last. If I could, I would give it negative five stars. Your service was poor. That pie is a cream pie. That needs to be refrigerated. All your pies were set on a table inside the warm restaurant, and that's why my pie was warm and melted. And I had every reason to act the way I did. Myself and my two young children waited outside for almost two hours just to be cut by people that had just arrived. I have every reason to be upset and to walk into the restaurant asking for my single melted pie.

End of review. Okay, hold on. There's so much happening here. I know there's a response, but like... There's a picture of the pie. Speaking of... Oh, dear. It looks not great.

Speaking of like, thou doth protest too much. I mean, I have every right. It's like, the more you say that, the more I'm questioning. It's so true. What's going on here? Like, I need to hear the other side. People shouting about their rights. Generally, in America,

those people tend to not understand their rights. Depends. It does depend. Because it could go the other way. Let's say people who shout about their yelps shout about their rights. People who yelp about their rights. Generally, like... like you're like really that's not how that works uh so this is a

response by the owner okay i will apologize all day to customers that i disappointed we let a lot of people down this year and i can own that and make changes moving forward however i absolutely will not apologize for your experience. You were rude and demanding to my staff before I entered the situation, to the point they asked me to come handle you. I gave you your incredibly fresh, beautiful pie, and you left with it. You brought back a completely mangled pie and claimed we served you something subpar. Not only is that shady on your part to try to make a return like that, Oh. And had we provided a poor product, I could own that too. I will not accept responsibility for a customer who can't exercise a little common sense and not turn a pie sideways and expect it to be okay. I mean, this person was literally saying, it's a cream pie.

Don't you know that? And I'm like, well, then why on earth? Because I can see it now. The way you showed it to me, it's like collapsed. The photo that the reviewer had provided makes it very obvious that this was a pie that was held sideways. Precisely what happened. And gravity did a job on it. This was not on a warm table. That is not how physics works.

It wouldn't melt like that way. Sideways. It makes no sense. Okay. Any pie other than something frozen solid would have been completely ruined, and we don't serve frozen items. Sorry, not sorry. Edited to add, all of our cream pies and cheesecakes were refrigerated.

So again, sorry, not sorry. You have no right to behave the way you did. You disrespected my staff, my customers, me, and quite frankly, yourself, for not admitting your own mistake. No one acts like that in my shop without being refused service. So again, not sorry. End of response. And another thing. And another thing. Cream pie, I mean, to tell a bakery called, what is it? Crema Bakery. Crema Bakery, what to do with their cream pies when you so blatantly messed up

your cream pie. Exactly. Where do you think you were headed with this? Do you think a person like this really believes that they're not at fault? Do they tell themselves that story so convincingly? I don't know. Why would you even bother going online if you

knew you were in the wrong? I have no idea. That's a very good point. No, I really think they left and like didn't. I wonder if after the, I think what the most important thing is after this response and the accusation of them holding it against their side like that, will they see that and be like, oh shit, yes, that was something I did. Or will they dig it they dig even deeper? Dig deeper. And I think we all know the answer.

I have an idea. Unfortunately. Oh, that coffee smells good. Can you pass me the sugar when you're finished? Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing? That's salt, not sugar. Let's get you another coffee.

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So, yes, so this business, Crema Bakery and Cafe, did go out of business. But they still have an Instagram. It's Crema Bakery Cafe, C-R-E-M-A Bakery Cafe. And it's LGBT and woman-owned. That's great. And they're still posting. So their last day in business, it says, was in just this past September. But they're still hosting events. So there's a Cupcakes and Crafts event on a week from after this all comes. This comes out after all of this. But maybe when you do more fun events, check them out, especially if you're in the Austin area. Yeah, I gotta say, like, speaking of

I mean, not to go on a total sidebar but one of our favorite I think our favorite, or at least one of my favorite local businesses is going or is shutting their doors. And it was a beloved spot in Covington near where

we live. And it's a bagel shop, but's also i mean they're just so awesome it's all lgbtq owned they do like drag movie night and like just really fun yeah fun like activities that you don't necessarily find in other businesses in Kentucky. And so I was always so, and they do have like a vegan sandwich, I think, maybe two. But anyway, their rent suddenly quadrupled. Okay. And so, I mean, it's like tale as old as time. And they had to close their doors.

I mean, and people were, and this is a very successful business. It's not even necessarily like, oh, you know, they were suffering. People didn't want bagels anymore. Yeah, even in their post they said, like, this was great. We had a great year and it was, like, we loved being a part of the community. In the final week, people came out in droves and, like, bought bagels. I mean, it was just all very sad. And so I think, I don't know if they're going to try to. They said they have big plans.

They have plans, yeah. For the next year. And I'm excited to hear. I mean, I'm curious to see what they're going to do. And I think, I mean, they still do work with Roebling Books, the bookstore, the local bookstore. Our fave bookstore. But yeah, it's sad.

I know, because it's like come on like yeah this is like one really good and they they survive you know they make it through the pandemic despite what's going on like so far exactly um and then of course greed is what brings them down or what are they gonna put in there like some someone's gonna overpay for the work or some shit i don't know it's gonna be something there's gonna be so frustrating they're just gonna find a Now what are they going to put in there? Like some fucking WeWork or some shit? I don't know. It's going to be something. It's so frustrating.

They're just going to find a way to make money off of the property. But yeah, and that's what's crazy is that that's just our local, like one place, one local place that's going through that. And think about this throughout the whole country and around the whole world. Especially like minority owned. Yeah. country in the whole world. Especially like minority owned. Yeah.

I mean, I know this is just going to, again, sound like a soapbox, but consider Toys R Us owned by a giraffe. So true. Out of business. Is that a coincidence? I don't think so. I don't think so. Yeah. I don't think so.

It really is just sad. Guess where my next one is from. Where? Toys R Us. Limited to. Nice. Nice. You get it? Toys R Us. Limited 2. Nice. Nice. You get it?

No. The Limited. Okay. Limited 2. Oh. Okay. I don't get it. I don't know what the joke is.

Is there a joke? It's not a joke. Oh, okay. But you read reviews of the Limited. And then you're reading Limited 2. I get it. I see. Limited 2 is like owned by the Limited. It's like their kids. Got it. Yes. And then you're reading Limited 2. I get it. I see. Limited 2 is like owned by the Limiteds, like their kids.

Got it. Yes. So now you're doing it as well. Limited 2. No, I didn't even mean that as a joke. No, that's what I thought was funny. I just meant because I didn't know if you knew that Limited 2 was owned by the Limiteds. It makes sense.

Okay. Well, never mind. So this is a negative review that is then updated. So this is a two-star review. This was written in July of 2010. Oh, I'm sorry. I need to specify the date. Okay.

July 22nd, 2010. Okay. It was by Rodney. Limited to justice. Call it whatever you want, but the quality of clothes is poor, and the people who work there would be hard pressed to pass a ged test seriously there has not been a time where they can't figure something out make a mistake at the register or lack the ability to answer simple questions

i cannot wait for my girls to grow out of this place or no longer think selena gomez or justin bieber are worth having on their shirts end of review justin bieber bieber i need to know how these things what how was selena gomez s-a-l-i-n-a okay and then bieber b-e-e-b-e-E-R. Bieber. And then this is an updated review. So that was July 22nd. This is now July 25th. Okay. The first one was one star? Two stars.

Okay. First one was two stars. The second one is four stars. Ooh. Moving on up. This is a rare occurrence here that we got. We got a limited two extra stars. Hey, Alexander.

Wow. Okay. Oh, we forgot to do that. Yeah, we forgot to do that. Hey, Alexander. Okay. Oh, we forgot to do that. We forgot to do that. Our bit that we started last week. Yeah, we started it. It's good.

It's good so far. It's going strong. Yep. Four stars by Rodney. What a difference a few days makes. Needed to both return and exchange a few items, which was painless. Best part, they even offered to help get me the 40% off on items previously purchased, which saved me close

to $50. Hopefully they are moving in the right direction here. We'll be keeping the fingers crossed when we do our back to school shopping in a few weeks. End of review. Aw, okay. Really like did a 180 here. I love that. I love that they were willing to change and update their review based on a new experience. You gotta go back to school shopping. Get some more of those Bieber shirts. Heck yeah.

Celina and Bieber. Now this person might be sad for what they've- I was gonna say, they look back fondly now on these years. That's good. Because what's next? Hot topic? Good luck. Lord forbid. Drake everywhere. Drake everywhere, true. Drake and anime. Oh, no. Match made in heaven. Well, I'm done. So do you have any more? I have

three redemptions. Nice. I'm sorry. No, no, no. I have my challenge still. That's why. These are some of the ones I was most excited to read. Okay. Okay. So this is of a limited to in Virginia. And this is a five star review by Doug. Nice. My wife loves this place.

And I've been to the store with her enough times to make a qualified review. The Good. Wide selection of professional clothing that won't make you look too old when you wear it. Uh-oh. My wife is an elementary school teacher, and she has recently made this store her go-to for attire for work. Huh. Okay, I'm starting to realize maybe he meant the limited.

Probably. It just hit me because i read this three times and i was like she's trying to look professional for her work so she has to limit it to which by the way for those who don't know is like a kind of pre-teen like a tween uh it was like a tweeny girl focus brand where everything was like glittery and said like girl power. Like very child-like, like for kids. So I was very thrown by this. But now I'm wondering if maybe he meant the limited.

I would kind of hope so. I hope so too. He was the first to review this limited too. Okay. So maybe he just got confused. I don't know much, read anything about women's fashion, but I know that she really enjoys everything that she purchases

here. The bad, the store is on the smaller side, so the aisles are tiny, but this is a dad pushing a stroller complaint. Everything else about the store is great. Five out of five for the great selection of very professional clothes for my wife. End of review.

I love thinking about this as a limited to review. And it was listed as one. So I was like, damn. Okay. I mean, fit it right in with all the kids at the elementary school. They'd probably be like, no, they'd probably be like, what are you doing? Why are you doing this? Why are you wearing one of those necklaces that says best? and then the heart, the rest of the heart goes to someone else that says friends?

That's the kind of shit they sell. They used to sell these doorbells. They sold doorbells at Limited Too? Yep, where you would put one outside your door and then the inside you'd have the actual bell part. So someone would hit the button and it would like ding dong. So like a doorbell, yes. Yeah. But for kids' rooms.

Yes. And they also sold like those beaded curtain, plastic beaded, like inflatable furniture. I mean, now I think I'm just conflating this with Claire's and stuff. But I mean, that's the vibe. Yeah, similar. So this is the Limited 2 in San Diego. And this is a four-star review. This is the one last night where I just had to stop Blaze's video game and say, I need to read this to you.

I just don't know what else to do. Oh, no. It's so, okay. Is this like a positive, dankative? It's a positive. Okay. Four stars by Diana. I'm so excited that I can still fit in the clothes here.

The store is kind of messy and the people who work here are okay. One girl helped me pick out a shirt and pins for the Jonas Brothers concert. And now when she sees me, she always asks how the concert was. I got a pair of shoes here and the hanger thing they were on said six and a half. Why I didn't check the inside of the shoe idk but when I got home they were a seven. Went back to exchange them for the right size and they didn't have them so make sure to check that kind of stuff out first. One thing I don't like about the clothes is that some of it is made with rabbit hair. I feel like if you want to wear rabbit hair, just hold one of my bunnies for two minutes and there's your rabbit hair.

True. End of review. True. I was like, what am I reading right now? That's so weird. I just kind of skimmed the beginning and then it was like, wait, hold my rabbit. What happened here? I see the same thing about mink. When people are wearing mink. You do. Just like to hold a mink, you'll be good. You're like, I wear my mink. It's more fun and less, it's more ethical.

And also like a way better accessory because it moves. It moves, true. Yeah, it's kind of cool. And if you're eating something and you don't want to eat it, you just sneak it to the mink, but then pretend that you ate it. I don't have that problem a lot where I'm eating something and I don't want to eat it. You just sneak it to the mink. But then pretend that you ate it. I don't have that problem a lot where I'm eating something and I don't want to eat it. True. But I can see why that might happen.

Like if you're lactose intolerant. Or if you don't like Brussels sprouts. Yeah. I like them, so you can give them to me. But if I'm not there, give them to your mink. That's what I tell people. Really? Yeah.

That's a good tip. Yeah. Yeah, man. I learned so much here. You're welcome. That's what I tell people. Really? Yeah. That's a good tip. Yeah. Yeah, man. I learned so much here. You're welcome. So this is my final one. It's a limited to in Bellevue, Washington. It's a five-star review by Wallace.

First to review. Shopping emergency. Need to get a bathing suit in the middle of winter? Then limited to is the place for you. need to get a bathing suit in the middle of winter, then Limited 2 is the place for you. If you had a shopping emergency like I once had after the circus. What?

Hello? Hello? How many people have been in this situation? I was crying last night. I was crying. I was like, what's happening? These Limited 2 reviews. These were the first two reviews I found and I was like crying last night. I was crying. I was like, what's happening? These limited to reviews. These were the first two reviews I found.

And I was like. Is this an after circus pool party at an indoor heated pool? I don't know why. I don't know. Maybe they're in the circus. In their lead card. No, that's what I'm thinking. That, you know, the ringmaster, ringleader.

I don't know what they call the people. A ringleader, I think, I don't know what they call the people. A ringleader, I think. I don't know what a circus terminology is. It's probably a lot of problematic stuff. No. You don't think? No way. No, no.

So whoever's in charge at this circus was like taking them out and like, let's have a pool party at my indoor pool in the middle of winter in Bellevue, Washington. That is an emergency. And so, yeah, what do you do if you need a swimsuit in the middle of winter? A hot tub. For your circus after party. Honestly? Been there, done that. Yeah.

Here's the actual thing that happened. I didn't even think it might be for a hot tub. You know how many clowns they could fit in a hot tub? Probably so many. How many could they fit? I couldn't count. I couldn't keep up. Oh, wow. That's pretty impressive. I couldn't keep up. Oh, wow.

That's pretty impressive. I know whenever I'm in one, there's at least one. Were they all wearing limited to bathing suits? I know I was. Okay. That's all that matters. If you had a shopping emergency with a bunch of exclamation points, like I once had after the circus, with a bunch of exclamation points.

Like I once had after the circus, I spilled a soda and had to get a whole new outfit, LOL. Limited to was there for me. So be thankful if you have a limited to in your neighborhood. I'm so thankful. And over to you. Oh my God. Also, I was like, after the circus, you needed to go buy a new outfit.

Because you spilled soda on? Onto your own outfit but it's a swimsuit no but i think that's just a random thought just an example because i was like of all things to spill soda on i feel like a swimsuit is probably one of the ideals uh shopping emergency need to get a bathing suit in the middle of winter let me choose a place for you if you had a shopping emergency like i okay it really does seem like she bought a bathing suit in the middle of winter, limited to use the place for you. If you had a shopping emergency like I... Okay, it really does seem like she bought a bathing suit. You're trying to explain things away.

I'm just reading the review again, which is not adding anything. Making me just as confused as I was the first time you read it. When I read... I was taking a sip of water, and when I read, like, I once had after this,

a shopping emergency like I had at the circus, I, like, spit my dick out. I was like, that is not a sentence I was going to say. So they spilled soda on themselves. At the circus. They probably were just enjoying the circus. Yeah. You know my favorite part of the circus?

What? The end. Well, my favorite part is when they don't use animals for them. But my other favorite part is when they're in those motorcycle cages. No, I hate it. And they have like three motorcycles going in circles. That was always my favorite when I was a kid. Can't stand it. Terrifying. You don't have to do it. Yeah, but I don't want to watch someone die. Okay, you don't have to. Cirque du Soleil, forget it. Someone's going to fall and die. Okay.

And then I have to live with that? Yes I'm done I've seen enough You've seen enough Dear god Yes Okay

Okay okay okay Let's move on Have you heard about my airport? Oh yes I have And then the Bengals game? It's like enough is enough I don't need any more Shenanigans

Okay Death traps Everywhere Just everywhere Everywhere shenanigans. Okay. Death traps everywhere. Just everywhere. Everywhere. True. That's life. Life is a giant death trap.

On that note, it's my challenge. Excellent. This is from Natalie. This was a fun one. Oh, good. This was to find reviews where someone says something isn't as great as they remembered it to be as a child uh so i found four reviews and basically the theme of all of this is people not understanding how nostalgia works or memory works you know back in my day as if like it actually changed no, you just had a very different perspective when you were a child.

Yeah. Here is a three-star review. This is of Batam Bang Restaurant in San Gabriel, California. Oh, yeah. I mean, think about all the times as children that we experienced the Batam Bang Restaurant. Yeah. It's always on that listicle on buzzfeed of like only 90s kids will remember this you know so true yeah and what's crazy is yeah this was written over seven years

ago wow about this place so it's another one of those like really old time capsule um but it appears this place is still open at least oh just kidding yelpers report this location has closed no they if they reported it's probably true yeah i trust my yelpers report this location has closed. No, if they reported, it's probably true. Yeah, I trust my Yelpers. They're nothing if not absolutely accurate about everything they say and do. So true. So true. And this is a Cambodian restaurant, by the way. Cambodian food.

This is a three-star review. I've been eating at this restaurant since I was born. Whoa. Whoa. I know, that's what... Whoa. Whoa. I know, that's what. Whoa. Yep. It was breastfeeding right there.

I'm not even going to question. No, he wasn't breastfeeding. He was eating the Cambodian food. Eating Cambodian food. Okay. Change owners. It was better when I was a kid. The bigger your restaurant, you tend to lose flavor in making food.

When this restaurant was in Chinatown long ago, it was bomb. To try Cambodian food is to go to Long Beach. It's a drive, but worth it. End of review. Wow. You know, you really can't win. You can't win. You can't beat the taste of your mother's breast milk when you're a child. That's why it tasted so good. You weren't even eating their food. He's like, I was eating there, and I remember it being very comforting and warm. And they were like, no, you were two weeks old. It's different now.

But yeah, I don't know. There's so many people like this. Just very, I don't know. It's like a place becomes successful because people like this love it. But then the people who loved it are like, well, now you've changed. Yeah. It's just annoying to me. It is annoying.

My next one is of an orange Julius in Redondo Beach, California that has also since closed. Have you ever had an orange? No, I'm glad you asked me that because I was wondering the same. Have you? Nope. I don't think I even knew what it was till I was like in college or in my twenties or something. I knew about it in college because of a Modest Mouse song that mentions Orange Julius and I didn't know what it was. Yeah. And I was obsessed with Modest Mouse so of course I had to look up

every single lyric. And then I was like, what is this? What could it mean? What could it mean? This is so deep. It's a retail chain. All right, here's a two-star review

by Shannon. Alexander, the fact that these, this is like a closed business, this really fits. This theme, yeah, yeah, I know. I didn't even realize. It's perfect. I mean, Natalie probably did. Natalie is always 10 steps ahead of us.

Natalie's very far ahead. Here's a two-star review. But she does have those like spring shoes. Moon boots that don't exist anymore as well. Yep, she kept them. Good job, Natalie. This is a review from over 10 years ago. I remember these being way better when I was a kid.

Way too much sugar. I hate to think what may happen if you give it to a small child. They will get totally amped up and then crash and burn. If you're a sugar junkie, you may love it. It's also a Dairy Queen. I am intrigued by the fact you can turn a blizzard upside down and it doesn't move. Though you probably don't want that flowing through your arteries. End of review. This person is giving me anxiety. I'm like, stop it. Why are you talking about my arteries? Leave leave me alone let me have a treat i i did like how they were like it's way too sugary i liked it more as a kid it's like well i feel like that's kind of the idea when you're a kid

sugars i hate to think what would happen if you gave it to a kid i'm like what did happen i don't know yeah look You're the one who would know. Check up on your arteries. I'm worried now. You got me all worried. Oh, it's so true. My next one here, this is of Maurice, Maurice Linnell or Maurice Linnell Cookies. Something that I was not familiar with. It's from Norridge, Illinois.

What a name. N-O-R-R-I-D-G-E. Norridge. Norridge. Porridge. Rolls right off the tongue. Yeah. So this is a chain of-

Just like porridge. It's not even a chain, but it's just this cookie place, a bakery of these cookies. What did you say? Nothing. I said it rolls off the tongue just like porridge. Into the bathroom, you know? What? Into that.

Alex in her eyes. Cole's bathroom. I knew I would regret telling you. Yeah, you shouldn't have. This is a four star review. It starts out negative, but I think they updated. They originally wrote a negative review. And then just instead of doing.

This was over 15 years ago. So I don't know what Yelp functions were like back then. I think you had to type everything in binary. Yeah, oh, that explains all the ones and zeros. Okay. Here's a four-star review. Starts out negative, but then they update it. They seemed to taste much better when I was a kid. Now it's like chomping on a

crunchy disk of Crisco. My husband loves them because they are sugar, flour, and fat. If I'm gonna fuck with my blood sugar it better be on something good and these just aren't worth it. For years I've hated Maurice Linnell cookies. Ugh, me? Eat one of those? I'd rather die. However, I feel obligated to update my review and give additional stars. My office received a Maurice Linnell gift tin for the holidays. Oh, imagine that opening and she's like, just immediately on her rant about it. And threw it out. Just like, can't.

And was like, no, we can't have this in my office. My blood sugar? These Crisco discs? What? Your arteries? Your arteries. Do you have any idea what's going to happen to your arteries? God, what a delight.

Well, here we go. It says, my office received a Maurice Linnell gift tin for the holidays, and I did comment loudly that I wouldn't waste the calories on those disgusting things. I fucking knew it. You called it, man. I should have just let you go. Yeah. But since my office is getting laid off, I packed away

all my toys and lunch fixings and brought them home. Wait, so I got fired? So everyone's getting fired here. But hey, they got cookies. I know that it wasn't fired, but here's your party gift. You got laid off. What a twist. Jeez. This is so dramatic. But since my office is getting laid off, I had packed away all my toys and lunch fixings and brought them home. Except for an expired can of raviola from Aldi, which I ate, despite the fact that it tasted tinny and the sauce had congealed into a thick skin across the top of the raviolis. No, TMI.

What do you expect? We're going to side with you? This is a review for a bakery that makes cookies. Yeah, what is going on? Why are we talking about this? I love it. It actually makes sense, though. Kind of.

Okay, but I also don't trust this person's taste buds if they're like, I ate this congealed, expired canned food. Well, don't worry, because here we go. Okay. To wash the taste of the expired ravioli from my mouth, I reluctantly resorted to the cookies. Oh, my God. I have never tasted such deliciousness in my life.

I felt like Squidward finally eating the Krabby Patty he claimed to detest. You like... What happened? What are they called, the cookies? Maurice Linnell. cookies? Maurice Linnell You like Maurice Linnell cookies Don't you Squidward What happened?

Why do they taste so good now? Maybe it's because they are fresh and crunchy And I'm used to getting the stale greasy ones Oh shit I am munching them as I write I've easily eaten 20 cookies And and I'm going back for more. I love Krabby Patties. End of review.

Oh, they wrote that. Isn't that fun? Man. Okay, that was a wild ride. Yeah. I'm looking up these cookies just because I've now become so curious. Yeah. And I am obsessed already with the website.

Okay? Okay. Chicago Cookie Store? Yeah. Dot com. Yeah. Go to that. Okay. Okay. Chicago cookie store? Yeah. Dot com. Yeah. Go to that. Yeah.

Oh, I see. Oh, and if you hover over the, well, you're on your phone. I don't know if it'll work. If you hover over the little boy in the cookie jar. He waves. He waves at you and his eyebrow goes up. It does not. It's not that great on mobile, but yes.

It's very fun. This is fun. I don't really understand what the cookies are, but I don't care. I'm still invested. I have no idea. It says, well, but it says all Maurice Linnell items are discontinued. So I guess they still sell some cookies, though. They still sell cookies.

Oh, because when Maurice Linnell went bankrupt in 2008, they were saved by a large baking company that is based in Ohio. We became the official store for that company and had truckloads of cookies. Then they put Maurice Linnell for sale. There were no

buyers, so they just stopped production. So, whatever. I mean, I'm very confused by all this but i'll buy it you'll buy it no oh okay um so yeah so a lot of a lot of the reviews were of this place were just saying i'll miss the cookies and yeah because the moment they hear that it's so funny there's so many of these where the moment they hear that the store is closing, they immediately run to Yelp to like leave a positive review. And it's like, where were you before?

They could have used you. The first wall fell. Oh, Jesus. I mean, like of the store. I was listening to David Hasselhoff singing. I was listening to Ronald Reagan. Oh, I'm so happy for you. Thank you.

You're so lucky. I know. My next one and my last one. This is of Camiso Bros and Racco Italian Bakery. That sounds all wrong. As in pronunciation wise? Oh, yeah, I'm sure. Say it again c-o-m-m-i-s-s-o commisso bros b-r-o-s like commisso brothers

and racco r-a-c-c-o okay italian bakery it sounds all right there we go um this is actually in york ontario canada and it looks like they're open 24 hours a day 365 days and it looks like they're open 24 hours a day, 365 days, and it looks like they're still open, so this wouldn't fit the theme, but it fits my challenge. Okay. So here is a two-star review by Oscar from over 10 years ago. This place has gone downhill big time since the original owner was shot in the parking lot.

True story, mob hit most likely in 1997. Okay. By the way, thank you for clarifying true story. Because if it weren't, I'd be like, why the fuck would you say that? Yeah, exactly. If that were not a real story. It better be a real story. I mean, not that we needed to hear this.

No, but it's like an insane thing to say and then be like, just kidding. I made it up. Yeah. Anyway, sorry. Oh, that was shocking to me. Okay. He was shot in the parking lot. Horrifying.

As a kid, this place had the best hot plate Italian food bar none. The gnocchi and chicken cutlet on a bun with mushrooms and sauce is still my favorite. Nowadays, food is left for dozens of hours on end. And pasta is rock hard by the time you get it. Oh, no. Not recommended anymore. Just a simple, cheap Italian hot plate restaurant. Very little seating.

And whatever seating that is available outside is absolutely filthy. The owners just don't care anymore. Baked goods and pastries, on the other hand, are absolutely amazing here. Hence the second star. The cannoli and cheesecake here are awesome. End of review.

I love how they're like, oh yes, the owner got shot in the parking lot in a mob hit and these new owners say just don't care anymore like they're pre the previous owner was murdered and you're like i i think that it's good they're keeping a low profile he's like what a shame because you know he really knew how to run that business it's like um i think we're missing the point here but at least these new owners know how to do a cannoli the right way it appears so i do love a cannoli though i gotta say um my god say it i gotta say it gotta say it um yeah i found that strange but um they're still

up and running um you know it's funny the pasta reminded me uh in florida we went to a with with d's family went to a um an italian restaurant and d and i are both vegan so we called ahead and they said oh you'll like ask in store but like some of our pasta has egg in it because you know whatever that's that's a common thing so um we go there and i just said oh hi like i'm vegan um do you know if the pasta is vegan and she was like oh yeah it's a brillo it's brillo pasta you know from the supermarket and i was like oh okay then yeah we're good sorry what she was fired for sure it was so funny i was like oh i didn't that was the last thing i expected to hear because on the phone they had said like oh yeah like we some of our pastas might be made with egg or

whatever and then she's like oh yeah it's just brillo talk about like dropping the curtain and just seeing what goes on behind the scenes. I mean, listen, no hate to Brillo. Oh no, I like Brillo pasta. That's what it's called, right? Or Barilla. Did I say? Oh, Brillo Paz. Brillo Paz. Barilla. You're right. Sorry. Barilla. You're right. Brillo. You know, y'all knew what I meant. But wow. But yeah, just that box pasta from the, from the store. Was it good? Yeah, but I like Barilla. I don't know what good pasta, like whatever. Did they just put on Chef Boyardee on top of it?

Some like marinara. I got like a mushroom thing, so it was just a bunch of mushrooms and stuff. Oh, that sounds good. But yeah, I just thought it was so funny that it was a family-owned Italian restaurant. At least they're honest yeah no i i appreciate it like a lot of places would be would kind of hide that and be like well it's uh our special sourced italian pasta you know well it's like that bullshit place uovo or whatever which i'll admit when i had it was very tasty what's that that's i think that's

what it's called that place in la where they say they... Don't ruin that for me. I was just yesterday telling someone about that. The fact that they literally fly in pasta from Italy every day, they say that they do. Like, how fucked up is that ethically? That's like, what a waste of... Oh, but it's so good. Yeah, but like, come on, you can... They're like're like oh it's only because of the eggs in this italian region okay but it's not like the pasta gets its own private jet like it's such a waste of anything there's no coming with other stuff instead of finding sustainable places locally they're gonna brag about flying it from italy that's some bullshit. It was the best pasta I've ever eaten. Yes, because there was a great story attached to it.

No, it was fucking good. And I ate it multiple times. It was good. Smallest portion ever, too. I remember. It was good. I'm not saying it wasn't good. I'm just saying it seems like a whole bullshit marketing stuff to brag about

flying pasta on a plane from Italy every day. They never said it was on a plane. Yes. Well, you think they do a boat every day? Nice speedboat going through. No, they just said they flew it. On the chickens that hatch these eggs. It could be a drone or something.

Christina, it could be. You know, Tim was just telling us, our stepdad, they're really working on these fuel efficiency planes. Good. I'm so excited. Also, apparently for my pasta to be flown in on fuel efficient planes. On a hybrid

jet. Hybrid jet. Great. I might as well fly myself over there every day to italy yeah see why not so locally exactly that's better for the environment i think i mean not for my sanity or my family's well-being no tim said oh no earlier i got a notification that apparently in the next couple decades it's possible to reverse the damage We've done to the ozone layer I hope that's accurate

No I was thrilled because I feel like every other Update I get from the New York Times Is just pretty bleak I wonder why Yeah I know and so I was like Oh no I see climate stuff And I open it and it was like Hey we have to be able to fix this thing.

Hey, that's good. Yeah, so I don't know. We'll see what happens, but. I mean. Until I hear otherwise, I'll continue. I think I'm going to die before we see too much bad stuff. Well, I'll continue sourcing my Italian pasta, my Italian grains directly from the source until I hear otherwise. Okay, good, good, good.

That's fair. That's fair. Once the New York Times says it's not okay okay you're gonna stop i get it i'll consider it anyway good stuff cool all right i'm done meet i'm done oh happy january everyone oh and we we record a patreon bonus episode it's lots of fun we talked about calendars yeah it was january so we did a calendar episode. We read reviews of calendars. And of course, I did a little QVC digging. Oh, and I did,

I had a lighthouse adventure that I went on that was so much fun. So yeah, patreon.com slash beachtoosandy. Yeah, and we'll talk to you in February. Can't wait.

See ya. Bye. Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet is a Forever Dog production, hosted and produced by Zandy and Christine Schieffer. It's edited by Brian Heveron-Smith, cover art by Courtney Aventura, theme music by Mavis White, executive produced by Mariah Nicholas.

Forever Dog Productions is Joe Cilio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Bowen.