Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 221: Reviews of Valentine's Candy

Episode Date: February 22, 2023

Satan? Beelzebub? Lucifer? Dana? Get your Morality Doesn't Go Out of Style pin!!! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon! https://www.patreon.com/beachtoosandy Xtine's Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/shop/hauntedtofu Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Check out our Instagram: instagram.com/beachtoosandy Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. For just $4.99, you can get a Subway 6-inch Black Forest ham sub made with our new fresh sliced deli. But the fresh slicing doesn't stop at beautiful Black Forest ham. We're talking tantalizing turkey, perfectly piled pepperoni, sensationally sliced salami,

so you can lunch legendary, dinner deliciously, breakfast brilliantly. We're talking friggin' fresh slicing and I'm yelling yes way! Get a 6-inch Black Forest ham for only $4.99. Only at Subway. Price and participation may vary. Extras, taxes and delivery additional. Expires April 8th. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet.

A podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Here we go. Episode two, two, one, right? Yep. Okay. This is Beach Tuesday, Andy. Here we go. Episode 221. Right? Yep. Okay.

This is Beach Juice Sandy. We're reading reviews of Valentine's Day candies. Even though this comes out after Valentine's Day. Yeah, whatever. It's when it's all on sale, you know? That's the discount. So it's a good time to do it. Also, from reading all these reviews, it seems like these candies are just kind of not. They're not.

Yeah, they're kind of not. I mean, like they're. Tell me more. They're kind of not limited to a certain time period because some people said, oh, this must be five years old or it expired. Yes, true, true, true. So, you know, it's timeless really is what I'm. So timeless. trying to say. And this timeless suggestion was from Alex on Patreon, and it won.

It won. It was the victor. I had an easier time researching this than I did church festivals. Me too. Good. Me too. Me too. And it was fun.

Do you want? I'll go ahead. Okay. So my first one is of the Reese's Valentine's Milk Chocolate Peanut Butter Hearts. Uh-oh. 9.1 ounces from Target. Oh, okay. Phew.

I was using the Target app for most of my- Okay. I got some Amazon specials. Okay. But I think Target pulls reviews from other sources. Uh-oh. So this one's from Hersheyland.com. Oh, okay. I love how

this rollercoaster of uh-oh, uh-oh, oh, okay. So this is of the peanut butter hearts. Okay. So three out of five star review. I'd say it's negative. Here it goes. Tastes like a normal Reese's,

but it has a weird elongated shape. End of review. I can't quite put my finger on it. To be reviewing it. I don't understand. On the page that says what it is. Yeah, I don't. I mean, yeah, I don't understand.

And it says very clearly peanut butter hearts. Like the hearts is bigger than the peanut butter. I mean, I... I kind of think they're funny looking hearts. Well, yeah, but... But they look like hearts. I mean, I can't think of anything else they look like other than hearts. You think?

Because then I'm going to fast forward to my Reese's review. Uh-oh. Yeah. And it is a redemption. It was sent in by Lily, she, they. And this is a redemption of the heart-shaped Reese's. Five stars. Title is Reese's Sorry Not Sorry.

Verified purchase. My roommate thought they were little butts. End of review. Got them. Like, it was like, yeah, sorry, not sorry. Five stars for you. Chocolate butts. I'm looking at them again.

I just thought I would point that out since apparently you thought they could only look like hearts. So they're like crackless butts? I don't understand. Where's the butt? I can see it. I don't see it.

Oh, wait. Maybe you're looking at different Reese's Hearts. Oh, maybe. Because one of them is like kind of elongated, like that one said. Oh. Because the ones I'm looking at that have that, that has that review under it, they just look like hearts. I don't understand.

Yeah, I could see that these certain ones look like butts. I would love to look at the butt ones. Then again, I've got a dirty mind. You do? Stop. You made it worse. Yep. That's my...

God damn it. That's why I'm fucking here, okay? Can't I have nothing to myself? No, you can't. I'm sending you a picture of these. Send me a picture of chocolate butts. Reesey butts. Oh my God. Oh, my God.

Okay, you understand. Now my review makes sense. Now it does, right? Okay, now I take mine back. This is terrible. What? It's so funny because the rest of the packaging is the same, but I feel like mine- Yeah, I saw the other ones just now when I was looking and I thought-

Yeah, mine have to be the updated version that actually looks right. They also sell them in that same elongated shape, but pink. Oh, my God. Christina, those are terrible looking. That's so funny. So maybe that's what they meant. Oh, my God. It doesn't look like a heart.

It looks like a long butt. It does look like a long butt. Right? Compared to mine, I was like, I did not understand my review. I thought it was so silly, but now I get it. It looks like we both have a dirty mind. No, I didn't. You didn't, but I did.

Okay. Okay. Well, now I'm going to a different Target one. This is Sweetheart's Candies, the original. Uh-oh. We have the same one, maybe. This is a one-star review titled like a rock damn it the same one that was actually my first one which i should have i'm sorry i should have read first

instead of skipping all the way to my last one which was the butts uh but it's okay read it anyway i love it okay it's a good one i One star. Just about cracked a couple molars on these. Not expired, but they were harder than an igneous rock. I had to toss them to avoid a multi-thousand dental bill. End of review. I love this review. Igneous rock. I saw igneous rock and I was like, okay.

Same. And then I was like, it's not like a sedimentary rock. That's the only other kind I know. But an igneous rock, very specific. I just, I really did adore that review. And I do like that they put one out of five

for value, one out of five for quality, but three out of five for taste. Oh, I love that. I didn't have that breakdown. Yeah. You know, it's powerful stuff. That is. Almost as powerful as a sedimentary rock.

Wink. This is sent in by Rachel. I let you have that one. I didn't make it weird. You made it weird yourself. I let you do that. I can do that all by myself. Thank you. This was sent in by Rachel She her and it is a brand of candy shop conversation hearts yeah uh and rachel said that she does not like conversation hearts and was happy to see other

people were in the same boat what do you how feel? Indifferent. I never hated them. I actually kind of liked them. Some of them I get annoyed about, but I don't know which ones. You know how some people are like diehard a certain way? People are very particular about their brands. But I don't know. I do know there are some I don't like, and I don't know which ones are which. And now I don't know which ones are vegan, you know?

Like I don't know if some of those, I would not be surprised if some of those had gelatin in them or something. Yuck. So like the – what is it? Brax? Brax. Brax? How do you even say that? The B-R-A-C-H apostrophe S ones?

I don't know what the ingredients are, but – Man, people have seriously strong opinions about these. For example, here is a one-star review by Williams. Williams. Okay. Verified purchase, and the title is, What? Someone said this was the original Candy Hearts. They are not.

Green apple? Lemon? I cannot tell you how furious that makes me. They are not like Necco and not like Brox. They are in their own category of bad taste and I continue to lose money on reviews that say they are the good ones I remember. Which is kind of hysterical because he's literally just chasing down like anybody. Chasing the dragon is what I'd say. Chasing the dragon of his youth. Yeah. And I feel like people say these are the ones I love and remember.

He's like, your nostalgia is wrong. Yeah, I was going to say. That's not mine. It doesn't mean it's the one you remember. Yeah. So I don't know. I just like how just absolutely furious. By the way, it says he bought two packs.

So he must have been really pissed. That's you buddy if you're gonna don't buy two and also trust reviewers everybody says they're the original candy heart i'm sorry i don't think like how do you prove that unless you have like the patent paperwork or something you know very true also the original probably doesn't even taste very good. Okay. Not going to say, okay, this might ruffle some feathers. I feel like I'm in trouble now. The original Oreo is what, Hydrox or something? Yes. There's a reason Oreo is more popular.

I'm not saying it tastes better to me because I haven't had a Hydrox cookie in a while. But it became more popular, the Oreo ones, and I don't know. I think a lot of people would say that Oreos taste better, but it's not the original. No, it could be. It most likely is. As much as Hydrox is an incredibly appealing name for a cookie. That's the worst name for a cookie. It's literally the worst name.

But yeah, I feel like everyone says the original candy hearts and their conversation hearts and it's like original does not mean the best you know sweet hearts are necco oh my god they've been made for almost 150 years wow so you know do you imagine eating one that was from 150 years it probably tastes exactly the same i bet it tastes like an igneous rock. It tastes like chalk. I bet it'd break your tooth. It probably would. Do you remember any of the phrases on a conversation heart? Yeah, they'd be, well, I remember when they were like updated, so it'd be like text me.

Yeah. Stuff like that. It would be like TXT. TXT me. Yeah. I'm looking up the original sayings. The original sayings? Like there's one that says LOL and that's obviously a newer. Yeah, it probably wasn't on the original one.

But maybe it was, and it meant lots of love. Okay, here we go. The original candies had messages like, who me? Okay. Love you, but spelled L-U-V. Okay. And the letter U. Be good.

True. Kiss me. True. And sweet talk. True. Fast forward to present day, and you can find hearts with sayings like wicked cool. No. Text me.

Tweet. Hashtag love. Wink wink. You're hot. Call me. And even marry me yeah so did they put that in there thinking hmm can we get someone yeah we go viral on good morning america yeah um i like this one it says uh snug as a bug oh that is weird i weird. I love it. What do you do with that? Who do you give that to? What's the point?

What's the conversation there? Well, what about the one that says, trust me? That's alarming. That is alarming. If someone gave me that, I'd be like, well, I immediately don't trust you. Imagine an action movie where the hero just has a bunch of those in his pocket. And whenever there's someone who's not sure if they should listen to the hero, the hero just pulls out one of those and they're like why does it say hashtag love oh sorry that's the wrong one i think my favorite here is uh the one that says don't be that way

which just seems kind of like a a very like rude thing yeah agreed don't be oh don't be that way so weird yeah so anyway um my gosh weird i i i am so excited about this discovery which one just like to know what the originals said that's kind of fun yeah like what i never even thought to look it up yeah that's a fun one i mean i didn't realize they were 150 years old or whatever. Yeah. But I'm moving on from those. Oh, okay. Wait, no.

Is it your turn? My turn? I think so. Oh, my God. One of them says on fleek. No. And one says, an old one says, my, such eyes. Why?

My favorite. Saucy Boy. That's real? Yes. Is that one of the original ones or a new one? It doesn't say. I want the Saucy Boy one. Is that Brock's?

They're not vegan, apparently. Oh, the Sweetheart one? Weirdest retired sweetheart candy saying. That's a list. Yeah. It's a BuzzFeed listicle. That's a list. Yeah. It's a BuzzFeed listicle. It's a Condé Nast special. My next one is of the Starburst Valentine's heart-shaped jelly beans.

Okay. Here is a one-star review titled, Warning! Warning! Okay. Oh, no. These are not Starburst. They're jelly beans. So disappointed.

I usually read details, but this time I went in blindly, thinking these were going to be delicious, red and pink Starbursts. I don't like jelly beans. So sad. They look so weird. I had my boyfriend pick them up, and I wasn't there to deny them.

Parentheses crying now. I was going to put them on cupcakes. Now I have no clue what to do. I'm sure this boyfriend is having a great day. Great day. This review has three thumbs up and 21 thumbs down target shoppers were not having it with this person can i also say i'm so relieved that that warning was warranted yeah like i i think we all can agree agreed that that warning was absolutely uh at the proper amount of capitals exclamation points.

It makes so much sense. Yeah, I, you know. Despite being the one who loves jelly beans. Yeah. Because save them for me. That's what I think. So good. Warn people so they don't buy them.

Yeah. I don't see. There's no way those are vegan, but. I feel like if you say, I'm usually one to read directions. I feel like. You're admitting it's your fault. Yeah, there's really not. Like, Starburst makes jelly beans. Like, that's a known thing.

Yeah. Whatever. Yeah, no, I don't know what this is. Also, don't put Starburst on your cupcakes, weirdo. Yeah, that's also weird. Also, it is very, like, I don't know, clearly labeled. They're not trying to trick you. The strawberry and cherry, like the flavors,

are smaller than the big heart-shaped jelly beans. You can even see inside the packaging. She wasn't there to deny it. She wasn't there to deny. I deny this bag. Bring out the next. You've been rejected. Send it back.

Some things are meant to be shared. Like sunsets over the Pacific. Picnics in Central Park. Or Aeroplan points. Up to eight family members can share Aeroplan points together.

With the TD Aeroplan Visa Infinite card, earn up to 50,000 Aeroplan points. Aeroplan family sharing is a feature of the Aeroplan program.. With the TD Aeroplan Visa Infinite card, earn up to 50,000 Aeroplan points. Aeroplan family sharing is a feature of the Aeroplan program. Conditions apply. Offer ends June 3, 2024. Visit tdaeroplan.com for details. Best Western made booking our family beach vacation a breeze. And it felt a little like... a breeze, and it felt a little like...

Life's a trip. Make the most of it at Best Western. Are you still looking at Saucy Boy? Can I just read you this part? Yes. Of the Wikipedia page. What Wikipedia page? For Saucy Boy? For Sweetheart's Candy.

Okay. Oliver Arches invented a machine in 1847 to cut lozenges from wafer candy similar to Necco wafers and started a candy factory. His brother, Daniel Chase, began printing sayings on the candy in 1866. He designed a machine that was able to press on the candy similar to a stamp. The candy was often used for weddings since the candies had witty sayings such as, married in pink, he will take a drink. Married in white, you have chosen right. And married in satin, love will not be lasting.

Oh my gosh. I don't know if those are very clever or catchy, but okay. Well, is all that on one candy? I sure hope not. I think you maybe pick one. I don't know. The heart-shaped conversation candies got their start in 1901. Other styles were formally produced such as lozenges, postcards, horseshoes, watches, and baseballs.

What? I know. This is actually kind of interesting. And one of them used to say Fax Me. Yes, yes, yes. I love the Fax Me. That's a classic. That's a good one.

Anyway, I'm so sorry. I just, I felt like it's important that we all know about that. Yep, I accept. The lost history. So, anyway, should I tell William, by the way? He's still out there looking for his long lost dragon of youth. Yes. Okay.

So this is a review from the Godiva website. It's of the Valentine's Day Fabric Heart Chocolate Gift Box 14 piece. Okay. And I just want to say I'm sorry. What? Okay. Because this is. I forgive you.

Okay. If you want to say that before I read it. I've read worse things. I don't know what this is. I mean it's just. But I'm sure I've read worse. It's just sad. Oh. I've read sadder. I don't know what this is, but I'm sure I've read worse. It's just sad. Oh, I've read sadder.

You have. That's true. This is a three-star review by Rudy, who posted this 16 days ago. The title is Repeat of 22 Design 2022. And by the way, this seems to be a running complaint among users of the Godiva website. The Godiva website has users? Yeah. Okay.

I don't know. It's just news to me. You got a problem with that? No, just with the users. Oh, okay. Three stars by Rudy. The title is Repeat of 22 Design. I've been reading through others' reviews of this year's fabric heart, and I agree with many.

This year's design, at least last year's large heart to this year's small heart, has the same design. Did someone at Godiva forget to initiate a design request for the 2023 Godiva heart? The large heart was on the website for what seems like a day and then removed. Too few in stock? for what seems like a day and then removed. Too few in stock? On January 19th, 2023, I came to the Godiva website and saw that the small fabric heart had an employee discount pinned to it, so I quickly added it to my cart.

I assume they were simply giving this discount to everyone. I am not a Godiva employee. Wouldn't that be a fun plot twist if he was, though? Yeah. I thought they were. I was like, oh, okay. By the way, I work there. And they're also an employee. Interesting. I don't think you're allowed to say things negatively on their website if he was though. Yeah. I thought they were. I was like, oh, okay. And they're also

an employee. Interesting. I don't think you're allowed to say things like negatively on their website if you work there, but. But when I went to my cart to check out, the small fabric heart had the original $60 price on it again. Was this a Godiva mistake? I was fine with the small heart. I lost my wife last year, so alone I would not have been able to finish off a large heart anyway. But the heart design change would have been nice to add to her collection. Jesus. End of review. What the hell?

That was like so sudden and quick. It really was. He's like, I didn't get an employee discount. Anyway, my wife is dead, but she loved these. Wish I could have had one. I'm like, wait, wait, wait. Whoa. That got real dark. I will say a lot of people posted photos of their collections. my wife is dead but she loved these wish i could have had one i'm like wait wait wait whoa that got

real dark i i will say a lot of people posted photos of their collections their collections i didn't know that was these chocolate boxes of the fabric box oh heart boxes somebody posted i even uh buy vintage ones for my collection like you can buy the old okay i mean i if they've been doing it for that long and they were all displayed like on a wall. Oh my gosh. Yeah, it was really cool. But I guess this year was a bummer. A little bit of a letdown.

Yeah. That was a 2022 one? This one, 2023. Oh, that's, oh my goodness. Yep. If that's a sign for what this year has in store, we're in bad shape. Well, I don't know.

If the last couple were great designs. Good point. I feel like maybe we need a change. Very good point. Like maybe it's good we're not focusing on the fabric design of the chocolate box. Yes. And maybe putting our attention elsewhere. I don't know.

Maybe, maybe, maybe. I don't know. It's just a thought. My next one is of that same, those same Starburst Valentine's heart-shaped jelly beans. Oh, boy. But this is a two-star review. Okay, it's still negative. And it's titled Be Careful.

Okay, again, I feel like all these are very misleading titles. It's very ominous. Yeah, that last one was warning, warning in all caps. And this one is what? Be Careful. Oh, my gosh. Okay. Two stars.

They weren't very fresh, and I have reason to believe my husband got the runs from these. Don't ask me for my source. I have reason to believe. What are your reasons? That he ate those and then got the runs? Because that's not very, you don't have to be coy about it. I don't know. Oh my God.

I feel like they have like a secret source off the record that can't be revealed. Right. I did look at the ingredients because I wanted to see if they're vegan. Of course, they're not. But. Maybe it's for the best. Look, there's nothing in there that's abnormal for any similar candy. This warning, I'm like, okay, I will keep that in mind.

Yeah. The first warning was like, okay, so what I've gleaned from this is that you're not good at reading the directions. Yes, true. So I don't feel like that warning really pertains to me. Yeah. But this one, I'm like, okay, I mean, I don't want GI distress. Yeah, maybe you shouldn't eat the entire bag. Or another, that's what this person did, I'm just saying.

Yeah, maybe just a handful. Just be careful. I'll just put them on my cupcakes. Oh, wait. These are Starburst cupcakes. I feel like Starburst on a cupcake is not. Like it's so chewy. I don't understand that one.

I feel like it's not a good mix. Yeah. I love Starburst. I love cupcakes. Yeah. And then I think those two should remain separate. It's like putting gum on a cupcake. I don't know.

I think that's a little not the same, but okay. I think it's exactly the same. Okay, you think that. That's fine. By the way, that was my last one because I've got a lot for my amazing challenge. Okay, all right. I'm not even kidding. Don't hype it up so much.

No, I'm not even afraid of over-hyping it. This actually is better because sometimes in the past, I remember you would say, I didn't really find anything. This isn't very good. I feel like we do that every other week. Don't say that. Okay, this is, of course, the next thing I did was go on QVC's website because I can't not. I was going to say the Godiva thing reminded me of those QVC people who collect different various. Porcelain gingerbread houses?

Annual. Angels? Annual QVC offerings. Seasonal. Seasonal. Annual, seasonal, whatever. Yes. This is the Godiva 36-piece assorted chocolate red ribbon gold gift box.

Wow. QVC's gotten on the Godiva train. Oh, for sure they have. Makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like it's the perfect outlet to sell box candy. So this is a two-star review.

The reviewer's name is H in New York. Bought it as a gift, but it was sent to myself. Interesting to find, Godiva had enclosed the gift message, and it was from someone else and to some lady named edith oh well 2020 is hard times for all especially edith oh poor edith edith price probably edith oh oh imagine wait that's esther price oh i was like who's edith no yeah edith yeah, Edith is Esther's sister. Oh, and every year, just to spite her, she buys Godiva to be like, I won't eat your nasty chocolate. But she didn't even get it this year. But this year, H in New York got it.

Yeah, it cracked me up that they just chalked it up to this. And that, by the way, was written December 23rd of 2020. Okay. So they were like, you know what? It's a topper to this bad year. Hey, yeah, makes sense. Edith might as well have one more blow coming to her. No chocolate for her.

So true. Yeah. Edith has been through so much. Why not more? Also, how cliche is that, that like to some lady named Edith on the QVC website. Yeah, that sounds very, yep. It's just it couldn't be more perfect than that. Okay, I just have a redemption.

The one was about how it looks like a butt. Sorry, yes. So I already read that one. I'm sorry. And so Lily, they also sent these two of the heart-shaped Reese's. Which one? The elongated one?

The butt ones. Oh, the butt ones. The elongated butt ones. Five stars. I assume these were delicious, though I didn't get to sample one. I'm judging their deliciousness on the rate at which my boyfriend consumed them. Also, I feel like that could be the same person who's like, I have it on good authority that my boyfriend...

An undisclosed source, has told us. All right. Here is one more verified purchase. Five star review. Title is Delicious. Be careful. Oh, wow. Same person again.

Oh, my gosh. Used for my anniversary. They are super addictive. Weren't old or discolored. I couldn't keep my hands off them, LOL. Weren't old or discolored? Sign me up. Seriously, I was like, wow.

Say no more. Say no more, right? Yeah, they weren't old or discolored, which I didn't realize the bar was so low. That is so low. That's insane. But I think it's also the phrase, I couldn't keep my hands off them, saying I used them for my anniversary. I'm like,

I don't know. It just seemed a little off-putting to me. Yes, that whole review was kind of I couldn't keep my hands off them. Can you imagine you're having a romantic evening and your partner is just like, I can't keep my hands off these peanut butter cups. And then you're like, please, please pay attention to me.

And then they say, you don't understand. They're not discolored. Or old. Or old. Like you. Like you. Oh. Oh, no.

We got to the bottom of it. That's what it was. It was a big fight. All right. I'm all done. Good, because it's my challenge time. Okay. I've heard wonderful things.

You have. This was from Michelle, and it was reviews where the reviewer calls an employee or a company or something demons, demonic, the devil, et cetera. Okay. So I'm going to start with a couple emails. etc okay so i'm gonna start with a couple emails and first is for this is from germ uh who sent in a review of this um infinity attraction uh in queensland australia what's that mean it's like sorry it's called infinity attraction um they have like all these mirrored rooms with all these lights it looks like an infinity room like a hall of mirrors

yeah yeah yeah but they also have just all sorts of looking weird looking colorful rooms with a bunch of mirrors and different laser lights and it says laugh and scream in an extraordinary series of around 20 multi-sensual environments

filled with unique special effects atmospheric sound fields, ultra groovy, dot, dot, dot. So that's the end of that. I feel like I... I think it got cut off. I feel like I know less what it is now than I did at the beginning. It's ultra groovy.

Let's just leave it at that. But honestly, I don't think I need to know anymore. Yeah. This might give you an idea though, because there's a review here, a two-star review by Kristen. Okay. That's what it says. Satanic. Heaps of hectic, dreadful music in pitch-black rooms not suitable for kids. I thought it was going to be a friendly, fun experience, but me and my friend just thought

it was demonic. Jesus is Lord, and His is our comfort. Some rooms were okay, but some just so horrid and it feels unclean like it hasn't been cleaned in 10 years. Old. Plus, the price was way too much. Forget this place for fun and go read your Bible instead. I rebuke this place in the mighty name of Jesus.

I hope the owner repents and comes to our amazing savior Jesus. End of review. What if the owner really is like a Christian and is like so hurt by this? And the owner responded. No! They said here's the response. Oh god. They said satanic

cry laughing emoji cry laughing emoji end of response. So they basically use this as a testimonial on their website. Yeah, they think it's hilarious. They're like, oh, hell yeah. We haven't got that one before. I do. I find it entertaining too.

I mean, it's just such an extreme reaction. Like, I feel like maybe this person had like a traumatic experience as a child and they're like, this is what hell is like. Yeah, maybe. It must be satanic. I don't know. I mean, that was kind of like what it was when I was in purgatory that one time. Yeah, right. Exactly.

There was never any pitch black rooms with loud sounds. And like not been cleaned in 10 years. Not been cleaned. True. I haven't been. I hadn't been at that point. Wow. Wow, Zandy. been at that point uh wow wow xandy i mean um go i like we thought it'd be fun but next time we'll

just read our bible for a good time yeah it's so wow it's really convincing thank you at least give like an equal type like say go go to i don't know the country god rock festival or whatever like somewhere where the loud noises are in honor of god you know exactly something something comparable but religious okay here we go uh my next one this was sent in by sasha she her um who said here's a couple reviews i'm gonna read one of them uh for the devil demon demonic uh or my personal favorite beelzebub challenge. Oh! And then said, as we say in Sweden, a beloved child goes by many names, and we all know Satan is the most beloved of them all. Satan does have a lot of names.

You know, did you know, fun fact, that Beelzebub, Lucifer, those are all different demons. Oh, they're different. Yeah, they're different. Okay. Fun fact, that Beelzebub, Lucifer, those are all different demons. Oh, they're different. Yeah, they're different. Okay. Fun fact. Cool. Like all fallen angels? Like Lucifer, I thought, was a fallen angel.

Lucifer is like the head fallen angel. Beelzebub is a different person? A different demon. Different demon. Got it. Okay. And he's the demon of... Your mom.

Got her. Wow. Why did I laugh so hard at that? I don't it. Okay. And he's the demon of. Your mom. Got her. Wow. Why did I laugh so hard at that? I don't know. No. Beelzebub. Em just told me this. He's one of the seven deadly demons.

Yeah. And they're associated with the seven. I thought there were only seven of them. Deadly seven. The other demons are okay. Oh, the rest of them? Yeah. They're not going to hurt you.

Oh, yeah. That's right. He represents gluttony and envy. Oh, the rest of them? Yeah. They're not going to hurt you. Oh, yeah. That's right. He represents gluttony and envy. Oh, nice. And he's also known as Lord of the Flyers or Lord of the Flies. Oh, I've never read that. It says, but in theological sources, predominantly Christian, Beelzebub is another name for Satan. Yes.

Okay. Fair. Fair. But- Yeah. Origins are probably from other- Technically, they're different demons, Beelzebub and Lucifer.

Got it. Um, thank you. You're so welcome for that. Cool. Yeah. Um, well here is a review that Sasha sent in.

This is of rental real estate in Lincoln, Nebraska. Oh, I was like whiplash after looking at the Wikipedia page for demons and then hearing that phrase come out of your mouth. Okay. Here we go. One star. Satan, Beelzebub, Lucifer, Dana. They're the same person. Don't rent from this monster. You'll regret it. I only wish I could give zero stars to this business. End of review.

Oh, my God. Did you know that Dana is actually the... Seventh demon? Yeah, she's the demon of... Landlords. Sloth. Oh, yeah, landlords. I was like, that's one of the deadly sins.

Wow, poor Dana. Yeah. Also, but I feel like that last owner response, I'd be like, whoa, cool. Like, it wouldn't like, I don't know. I think I would enjoy the comparison. You're saying if someone wrote a review of our podcast, one star, and called us demons, you'd like it. Yeah. Yeah, me too.

I wouldn't be phased negatively by that. I feel like I'd be like, cool, I can tell people that now. Yeah. I don't think that would phase me negatively. I mean, I don't think I would like it. Like, I don't want people to hate our show. If someone said that we were like agents for Lucifer. Yeah, I would love it.

I would be kind of about it. So, folks, if you hear this and you're like, oh, I can do that for them. Don't. Do it with five stars. Yes. And say, hey, you know what? We don't really ever ask for this. If you haven't written us a review yet, it would be wonderful.

And if you're like, I don't know what to say, write their Agents of Lucifer five stars. Yeah, I'm happy with that. And honestly, it would mean so much to us to get a little push in the charts. Yeah, push us. Push us hard. Okay. Well, I us hard. Okay. Well, I didn't... Okay.

You heard me. Now that we're done with Germ and Sasha, it's time for my findings. We're done with what? Germ and Sasha, the two people who sent in... I thought you said German Sasha. German Sasha as well.

Yeah. Sasha is Swedish. Nice try, though. Here we go. This first one is a one star review of Michael's in wow, Valparaiso, Indiana. I'm trying to say that how an

Indiana citizen would. Valparaiso. Jesus Christ. V-A-L-P-A-R-A-I-S-O. Yeah, I've seen that place. Valparaiso. I've never seen that. Okay. This is a one-star review.

Do you have any guess about, like... Honestly, when you said Michael's, if I had had the chance to guess what businesses would be under this challenge of, like, Michael's for sure up there on the list, but I'm trying to think of what it would be under this challenge of like, like Michael's for, for sure up there on the list. But I'm trying to think of what it would be referenced to. Like maybe they sold Halloween decorations or something. And so they're demonic.

I don't know. Here we go. Ready? Yeah. This is what Mia has to say. They've gone down the demonic mode for Halloween. I knew it. This is Center Stage.

And they have two pictures of Halloween attractions including, or Halloween decorations including a Ouija board, a fortune telling thing, more Ouija board stuff. And then, yeah, that's about it. Oh, I'm sorry. Was I supposed to go?

Oh, no. I'm sorry. Was I supposed to go? Oh, no. I'm scared. Yes. Very effective. This is Center Stage. So sad. Spend your money at Hobby Lobby.

Hobby Lobby promotes family values. End of review. You know, earlier when I said I was going to guess Michael's, and I almost said. I was waiting for you to say Hobby Lobby. I almost said it, but then I was like, well, that's too cliche. I was going to say, you know, because of the Hobby Lobby being all God-fearing, and I thought Michael would be like the fallen angel of the craft world. And so I thought maybe, but I didn't say it, and there we are. It was just cliche enough to actually be in the review.

It's beautiful stuff, Sandy. I'm glad. Very good. My next one is of Trinity Wellness Center in Wilmington, North Carolina. Wow. This is. This might be one of the most variety. I think so. Of business types that we've brought for a challenge.

Yeah. It's because people love calling other people demons. People love Satan yeah or love to hate satan love to hate him he's got a lot of frenemies i saw someone comment or mention this um i think it's because of uh never mind it doesn't matter someone was like imagine living your life thinking satan's actually around you like how terrifying is that it is terrifying legitimately feeling that certain people are Satan personified or Satan's working through these people. Satan's working through things. Imagine living your life in such fear and like being conditioned to feel that way. Yeah. I've heard very biblical folks say that they truly believe some people are agents of Lucifer, that he really has taken them over. And honestly, maybe, maybe, maybe we have, maybe we are legitimately are.

Oh, but it's the way to be baby. I mean, I'm happy. I mean, happy. So whatever. I'm happy in my. Satan's what makes me happy. Satanic trash pile. Satan me up.

You know, that's what I always say. All right. Here's a one star review. Lucifer, I barely know her. Wilhelmina. What? Oh yeah. True.

Good one. True. Good one. Thanks. Um, this is Wilhelmina's one star review of Trinity wellness. Wilhelmina. Wilhelmina. Hell.

So Alexander, that's who does she think she's trying to fool here? That was, I came up with that. I know. Cause Satan's working through me. Alexander. One star. I didn't even

mean to oh no i have no control i have no agency when uh satan is inside me your name alexander lex lucifer lex lucifer that's the famous character from my name however has christ right in it it does so i think i'm exempt no that that's why Satan works extra hard with you. Yeah. Because you're a good trickery. I like to play hard to get. You're a little imp that runs around. Stop calling me an imp.

You're a little impish. This is a thing that Alexander would do and it would rile me up to a point where I would smack him and then my mom would be like, why are you so mean to your brother? And I'm like... Because he called me an imp

and then she'd be like, that's not a good reason to hit him. Yeah, but you just call you just call me stop she's gonna hit me no she's far away from me i'm safe don't worry i know i'm sorry i'm sorry no you're not well are you ready for willowmena's review? God damn it, fine You're not an imp Imps are great Here we go, one star I don't even care if I'm an imp I don't understand why you're so upset by that

Because you just do that thing where you're like Pester And every time I speak you just Speak in tongues at me Yep, that's Satan He's driving a wedge between us. Okay. Okay.

One start review. Here we go. Didn't have a mental health issue until the demonic lady who books appointments for Trinity Wellness Center called me to set up an appointment for my 82-year-old mother with dementia. There's only two places in Wilmington for memory testing, and one of them is booked up for six months, and Trinity Wellness Center can see you in a couple weeks. I don't know. Maybe they are good at their jobs, because my mother couldn't remember anything, but she remembers overhearing my traumatic phone experience.

If you don't love your relative, then I highly recommend Trinity Wellness Center. End of review. Oh my God. Except they also included a picture. And it's what I presume to be, what's presumably a call agent person in hell. Like a cartoon of a person who's at a computer with like a headset on. And a lot of fire in the background. Did they make that or found it on the internet? They found it on the internet.

But do you think that... It says image protected by copyright. And vector tunes is a watermark that's all over it. So they just googled telephone operator hell or something. Yeah, receptionist in hell or something. Yeah, and Christina, you know what's crazy about it? What? It's the first image that now pops up when you go to this business's Yelp page. No! Because it's the first image that now pops up when you go to this business's Yelp page. Because it's the only image.

So if you go to this business's Yelp page, the top banner is literally that photo. It is hilarious. Wilhelmina has more power than she realizes. I know. And Wilhelmina wrote actual 8K picture of Trinity Wellness Center receptionist. Oh my God. like they legitimately just i don't i don't know i it's hilarious it's so funny they must have like taught i just love the implication that they were perfectly mentally stable and healthy until they called and then

everything just fell apart like this one and the fact that the they have a sense of humor about their mother's memory and like mom is gonna remember this she's gonna be in the senior home and this is gonna be one of her only remaining memories my traumatic phone call that's so that was a good one it's been up for like a year so that photo is still horrible it's still there in the only photo for a full year that's horrible also it's, like, don't forget the other victim in this. Vector Images. Yeah, true. Like, she obviously didn't pay for that.

No, but at least the watermark's still there. Can you imagine if... Nothing was edited out. That's true. Can you imagine if this company gets, like, a letter from a lawyer, Vector Images lawyers, being like, you can't use this as your business's main photo. And they're like, we don't want to. That's the ultimate goal.

Wilhelmina is working with Satan to bring them down. Through the legal system. Yeah. Powerful. Okay. My next one is of the Pavilion Park in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. They have different rides uh it looks like a like roller coaster type things uh carousel the pavilion park okay it's like a like a little

theme park sounds fun they have those slides where you sit on a like a a rug a rug one of those like burlap sacks or something and just slide really fast down the metal slide. Those are fun. Anyway, here is a two-star review. And while a person is not being called demonic, something is. Uh-oh. So this is by Miranda, two stars. The Skywheel was so much fun in Seated 6.

The staff were super friendly on it. Now to the real reason I wrote this review. The demonic Myrtle Turtles ride. It looked like a cute little family roller coaster for kids kind of scared of roller coasters. Even is advertised for families. My seven-year-old and I decided to give it a try. She was being brave. The guy running it was kind of rude, but we tried anyways.

We got on it full of excitement, then it started up. The first few seconds was full of fun and laughter. Then the torture began. They sped it up or something, and it started jerking us around so hard, I hit my head, and then my daughter did. She got a black eye and was crying for it to stop. I was trying to calm her, and it felt like it lasted forever. In one of the other carts was a kid younger than her.

This does not need to be advertised as a family ride if it's out here causing black eyes, concussions, whiplash, and PTSD. The only reason I gave two stars was because the Skywheel was so wonderful. End of review. I like that ending. They're like, don't worry. There's some great stuff here. Oh my God. I like that ending. They're like, don't worry. There's some great stuff here. Oh my God.

My daughter will never be the same. I'm saying she's going to be traumatized. I know. That's one way to get your kid scared of roller coasters. Of any thrill-seeking. Not that I blame this parent. I'm just saying. Oh my God.

That'll happen. Yikes. That is horrific. Isn't that terrible? I'm like, you know what? That does sound demonic. I actually agree with this review. Satan does have his little finger on the button.

He's like, whoop. I'm looking it up. What is it? The Myrtle Turtles. Myrtle Turtles ride at the Pavilion Park. Turtles for sale. No, that's not it. Is that not it?

No, sorry. Oh, Turtles for sale? Yeah, that's not it. Is that not it? No, sorry. Oh, turtles for sale? Yeah. That sounds like it. Oh, there's an on-ride POV video on the Perk Rovers YouTube channel. Be careful because the screen shatters. The camera lens shatters when it smacks into the... Sorry, that's the automatic cat food.

I'm like, what is happening out there? Oh my god, we have so many stupid noises going on. I'm so sorry. This looks just like a circular, weird, quick roller... I don't understand this ride. I'm looking at it on roller coaster database. Oh. You know, as one does.

And it just looks circular. I guess it just goes really fast in circles. I can see how it would trick you. Oh, it spins too on top. No, see, that's where I don't. This is a lot. I don't like the spinning situation. Yeah, I'm not a fan of this.

I would just vomit on it. Yeah, yeah. But I'm watching it. Whoa, I'm watching the POV. Yeah, how's that? Yeah, I mean, it's fun because we're in the front. But honestly, Hugs and Error, if you could see up close right now, my hands are extremely sweaty. I'm stressed out.

You're sweaty watching this? Yes. I'm having a reaction. I'm dizzy watching. I just moved ahead and the ride stopped. Just spinning. It's just spinning. Okay.

I'm dizzy. I'm done. I'm actually going to vomit. Okay. Oh, man. That does look demonic. Anyway. Wow. Lucifer is for sure in charge of this he's in charge of everything there's no way that this is a god-fearing ride

because i feel like i'm gonna puke everywhere so sorry uh my last one is of a panera bread Panera Bread. Oh. This Panera is in McLean, Virginia. Uh-oh. Sorry. What? Well, once I got yelled at at a Panera in Kentucky, and so I avoid that Panera. Okay. And so I just sometimes think, like, where the Panera is really does affect. So, Virginia, I get nervous.

Yeah. Because it reminds me of, like, the Kentucky location I went to. Got it. That's really it. Okay. Makes sense. And by the way, I go to a different Panera in Kentucky now. You know what I say about Panera?

They should not be giving concussions, black eyes, and PTSD. Well, I wouldn't go that far. Oh, okay. Yeah. I would. Can't we have some good things? No. This is a two-star review.

This is actually the first review of this location from 13 years ago and it's obvious because this is one of those like typical old yelp reviews you know the kinds of people who would be on yelp 13 years ago i'm in are they still in a bad way um i think that's my favorite is when they wrote a review 13 years ago and then you see Elite 2023 or something. I don't think they've ever been an Elite. But, oh, yeah, they last reviewed over 11 years ago. Oh, wow. So they really didn't last long. Yeah.

But their bio is happy hour is not an antidepressant. What? Well, I don't know. First of all, agree to disagree. Oh, no. Okay. Sorry. This person was Elite in 2009 and in 2010.

Okay, good. Because you were about to get sued. My bad. I'm so sorry. I'm embarrassed. Okay. So here's what this two-star... I thought you were about to say, oh, never mind.

Their bio continues and says, but it's still fun. But no, it literally just says happy hour is not an antidepressant. It's in quotations. So I don't know if that means it's a quote from something or if they're quoting themselves or if those bios are always in quotes. I love when people quote themselves in their bio. Me too. So here's a two-star review from 2009.

Here we go. Chain restaurants specialize in being regular and ordinary, maximizing on economies of scale and pinpoint targeting. Once you've been to one, you might as well have done them all. That's the desired effect, of course. However, now and then, a dining experience will move you in unexpected ways, deep, disturbing ways. Today, perhaps the most chainiest of chains, a Panera Bread inside a mall has done such

a thing. I will now recount my experience. Oh, oh wow thank you for the prelude christina this is typical 2009 yelp like to start off with like you're writing a research like a thesis you're like but i feel like that was kind of the point back then webster dictionary defines panera bread it's now now become more about just shitting on businesses than it has about like actually writing reviews lengthy you know what i mean review with like colorful language yeah yeah so hey this and this got plenty of votes okay i'll tell you them at the end okay i can't wait here we go, I will have half a tomato and moths. Moths?

Moths? Moths? I assume you would say moths. Moths. I wouldn't say it at all. Okay. Sorry. Okay.

Me, I will have half a tomato and moths, and also half Caesar salad with potato chips. Cashier. Okay. Do you need a drink? Me. Is it free? Cashier. That will be $7.89. Money exchanges hands.

I receive the demonic summoning stone. Huh? Me, thanks. I walk away from the counter. Ritualistic altar? And my buzzer begins to buzz immediately. Precogs? Farscriers? Voodoo? I walk to the next counter where a large bag is

waiting. I look at the expediter. He looks at me. He nods. It is mine. I open the bag in disbelief. Hot pressed panini, Caesar salad and chips all accounted for. I look back at the cashier expecting her tongue to be forked, But no, she's just human. And this is just fast, fast, fast food. I get back to my office. The sandwich has succumbed to its entropic fate. In fact, it seems as the heat departed, it took any flavor there was with it. Mushy, bland tomato and something masquerading as cheese squeezed between bleh.

The salad had more dressing packets than croutons. Sorely disappointing, yet edible. I love me some barely salted kettle pop potato chips, though. Panera's got those right, at least. Demonic speed does not make for a devilishly good sandwich. End of review. Wow. Kind of fun.

That was... Right? That's not what I was expecting. I know, I know. I thought it was kind of fun that was right that's not what i was expecting i know i know i thought it was kind of fun though i gotta say out of all the reviews you brought i was not expecting one to be describing the devilish part the demonic part as a good yeah yeah yeah wow i know i got you with that one you did it is such a bummer though that like the demonic nature of the panera didn't contribute to tasty food. True, true. That would have been the cherry on top if it was like, and it felt like Lucifer made this himself.

That's how good it was. Because famously, that's a good thing. He's a famously good chef. Just like as a hobby. Oh, okay. Yeah. You know. I guess maybe that does make sense.

In hell, you probably don't get well-seasoned food. You know, I can't speak to that, so I'm going to choose not to. You are the only one of us that's been there, so I'm sorry. True. Not Christina. It was purgatory, not hell. Very different. And I recall actually making you smell pure seasonings to try and get you out.

True. That's a good point. I literally gave you a bowl of pepper and said, this will get you out of here. Yeah, that brought me to hell. Yeah. Reality. I know. I know.

Anyway, four people found that review useful. Useless. Seven found it funny and four found it cool. It was pretty cool. I think that was pretty cool. I love that review. I know I understand at first you had a negative reaction. I did.

So did I. When I first read it, I was like, oh, man had a negative reaction. I did. So did I. When I first read it, I was like, oh, man, this is going to be something. Of the challenge. But then you read the whole thing and you're like, yeah, that's a fun review. Yeah, I love that. And I'm glad you figured out they were actually Yelp Elite and you gave them the credit that clearly is due. And they were Yelp Elite that year. And you clearly, everyone, understand why.

We all understand. They absolutely deserve it. Zero surprise. Yeah. So, everyone, understand why. We all understand. They absolutely deserve it. Zero surprise. Yeah. So, yeah, that's my last one. Alexander, that was great. Thank you. I'm so glad you liked it.

You nailed it. That was a great challenge. Oh, it felt good. I want to do that again. No, that was so much fun. I want to do that again sometime because I feel like there's so many fun things you can search. Okay.

I'm going to be honest. It was pretty easy. I bet. So, I'm sure there's so much more. Yeah, I bet we could find a lot. I'm going to be honest. It was pretty easy. I bet.

So I'm sure there's so much more. Yeah, I bet we could find a lot. Like I did find some that I didn't use, but my success rate was pretty high. What did you search? I pretty much found them all just by searching the demonic. Because I figured, you know, whatever they add after that, it's going to be good. And that's true. And it did bring such a variety.

It really did. Were there any items or was it all places? It was all places, but I searched specifically on Yelp. Okay. Because I wanted some real Yelpers. I wanted some real Yelp shit. And you found some OG Yelpers. So it felt pretty good. And I figured doing something like that on Amazon would be hard because I'm sure

so many products would have that in the description or in the title. I was looking up conspiracy stuff last week. I searched Amazon for I'm not a conspiracy theorist. There's like magnets or bumper stickers. There's shirts, magnets, notebooks. Then in Spanish, all these same things. What? It said I'm not a conspiracy theorist.

Do you want to guess the second half of that? I don't. I don't want to. No. I'm just well informed. Oh, dear God. Oh, that's worse than I thought. Yep.

And so that was like the, I mean, I went through pages of Google results that were all just different items with that plastered on it. Yeah. All very highly rated. Jesus. Bizarre. Yeah. So, you know. Well, good stuff. Thank you. All righty, everyone. I don't know why I said thank Jesus. Bizarre. Yeah. So, you know. Well, good stuff.

Thank you. All righty, everyone. I don't know why I said thank you. You're welcome. You're the one who did it. Good stuff for both. Good stuff all around, folks. All around.

All around. Especially you listeners. Pat yourself on the back. Yeah, you earned it. Good job. We're proud of you. We love you and we will talk to you soon. Can't wait.

Bye-bye. Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet is a Forever Dog production. Hosted and produced by Zandy and Christine Schieffer. It's edited by Brian Heveron-Smith, cover art by Courtney Aventura, theme music by Mavis White, executive produced by Mariah Nicholas. Forever Dog Productions is Joe Cilio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Bowen.