Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 222: Reviews of Boxed Wine

Episode Date: March 1, 2023

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This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water Too Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Did we just ruin all that? No, it's fine.

It'll just be a little loud for the beginning. Whoops. Okay, cheers. Good thing we've got them. Oh my God, this is such a big glass. I didn't notice until I cheered. I was paying attention to our game doesn't tiktok have a rule where you're not allowed to drink wine

it's not it's grape juice that's what i that's why i'm specifying that it's not wine yeah okay great box grape let me move this box of grape juice out of the picture no you can have the vessel oh they allow they allow vessels. They allow a bottle of wine. Just not consumption of what is inside the vessel. Not a glass of wine or something like that. Do I put it under my shirt? It's fine. Okay.

Hello, everyone. Welcome to, what did I just say? Box wine episode. We're doing this because it's fun for you all. It was Al Zinner's idea. And I feel like he's acting like, oh, I made him do this. I didn't say that and like to be fair he wrote me and said oh would it be crazy to drink boxed what was your response no not at all no you said like this is a dream come true like it was

dramatic it wasn't an airplane bar it was so dramatic so i think i was really feeling the vibes it's you know what time it is for me right now because i was just in vegas for a bit It was in an airplane bar. It was so dramatic. So I think I was really feeling the vibes. You know what time it is for me right now? Because I was just in Vegas for a bit. It's like not even noon. And see, that's the thing. When in Vegas. I'm not in Vegas.

I'm in Newport, Kentucky. When in Kentucky. Okay, sorry. Wine. I was just going to say, like, why is that crazy? I do it every time we record and then blaze was like yeah but not at two in the afternoon yeah this is earliest we've recorded in a long time we haven't even started drinking should we okay cheers cheers

tasting notes ripe blackberries um fig on the palate anything else uh well it's coupled with hints of fig on the palate the idiot's reading the box uh i'd like to point out it also has easy opening instructions oh that's the box not the one okay oh. I don't know what that means in wine lingo. It also says $11.99 or whatever. So wine comes in a box. Do we have to explain anything about boxed wines? We have to explain what slap the bag is because I still don't really know what it is. In Australia, they call it goon.

Yeah. And they have a game where you attach it to, I think, episode five of And That's Why You Drink. We covered this. You attach it to a clothes think, episode five of And That's Why You Drink. We covered this. You attach it to a clothesline and it swings around. And I don't know. A clothesline? Okay. No, I'm not saying you're wrong.

I just. Okay. Okay. Okay. Wait. That's not slap the bag. Sorry. That's goon.

That's goon. Okay. Slap the bag is like. Germ's going to write in and be like, no, we don't. This is not correct. Oh, I thought you meant germs. Because and be like, no, we don't. This is not correct. Oh, I thought you meant germs because I was like, yes, it's definitely not COVID friendly. Because I believe what you do is you hold typically the Franzia bag and you slap it and it makes it come out really fast. You're supposed to drink it.

That's the game? Just drinking fast? Allegedly. I don't know. Again, I went to a school that didn't drink very much. It wasn't a party school I was pretty straight edge Yeah me too

For most of my schooling And look at us now Look at us now Drinking on the job Drinking on the job Okay but I I want to clarify What kind of box this is

Because I feel like People will want to know This is my personal favorite I went to Trader Joe's Yesterday to get it So that you could try it with me It tastes like a Shiraz It's an Australian Shiraz it's an Australian

Shiraz it's a goon it's a goon uh we're gonna slap the goon no let's not slap any goons today I did get a clothes line out I think I invented that game maybe I don't know but anyway so it is a Shiraz from Trader Joe's the block red I just love it um I read reviews of it and got offended so I stopped reading them okay I get very bad heartburn with wine. Cool. So if I complain about that this episode, too bad. Those were the big complaints. But maybe this won't give it to me.

Well, those were the big complaints of the Shiraz from Trader Joe's. Oh, good. I'm glad. I didn't know that about you. Do you want me to distract you real quick? Yeah. You're not going to want this. What?

Okay, so I have some more AI content. Oh, my God. It's important. Okay, I'm glad we're drinking.. Oh my God. It's important. Okay. I'm glad we're drinking. Yeah. Well, Gregory wrote it in. I did see an email come in. I did not read it. And I, I almost, that's your thing. I almost didn't read it because it said, I will keep sending this until you read it. And I was like, Oh Gregory, I have the power of block. But then I was like, I won't do that to you. It was my gut reaction. That is my gut reaction to those

kinds of emails. But then when it's actually good content, I'm like, Gregory to you. No, true. It was my gut reaction. That is my gut reaction to those kinds of emails. I'm like, don't you tell me what to do. But then when it's actually good content, I'm like, Gregory, you can keep doing that. Folks, don't go thinking you're just going to tell me what to do and I'm going to do it. Usually I will do the opposite, even if it's detrimental to myself or the podcast. I was going to say, I don't know. I'm one to do it because I'm too nervous. Yeah, so usually I do come around. Okay, we'll see. Gregory said that they wrote Beach to Sandy AI content before it was cool and had even

posted it on the Facebook group. Wow. Yeah. Okay. So you stole Gregory's idea. I see. And then you were going to block Gregory. And then I blocked him.

No. Apparently he also wrote a short story for us. Okay. Oh my God. Yeah. So Gregory and AI. Gregory. I don't understand. wrote a short story for us. Okay. Oh my God. Yeah. So Gregory and AI, Gregory, I don't understand.

Ashley. I wrote in and was like, man, I wish my last name or actually I know actually Madison. So this is what it says. Okay. It's a short story. Um,

and by the way, then he sent me the like instructions, how he did it. Like I had requested and oh boy, did I have a good time? Oh good. I'm glad okay so this is what it says to be fair Gregory spelled our name wrong so like Gregory that was a power move

next time I block you no Gregory that was a power move by Gregory okay it says I do that all the time misspell people's names just to be like to say I'm better than you I don't your name is your name spelling is not important that me. That's incredibly rude. Every day. Zandy and Christine Schieffer were siblings who loved going on adventures together. And just to clarify, everyone, this is written by a robot. Okay. They were always up for trying new things and exploring new places.

One day, they heard about a petting zoo that had just opened up in town, and they decided to pay it a visit. As they walked around the zoo, they came across the Teletubby exhibit and were fascinated by the strange creatures. Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Lala, and Poe were all there, and the siblings couldn't wait to get up close and personal with them. However, as they approached the Teletubby exhibit, Tinky Winky suddenly lunged. Famously the largest of.

He is the scariest. And aren't they fucking tall already? They're humongous. I think they're like 45 feet tall. That can't be right. How big is that sun, baby? Holy shit. How tall is Tinky Winky?

How tall? Yes. Like legitimate, guys. Five feet. Ten feet tall tall i'm not kidding that's literally worse than 45 gender male height 10 feet zero inches that's inner no i know it would be worse it's worse than if he were 45 that's according to the teletubbies fandom no i agree like like a colossus kind of thing is one one one thing but like like a 10 foot tall like roaming among taller than humans it's not good so tinky winky suddenly lunged at them with his big red bag open wide

sandy and christine barely had any time to react as tinky winky's bag brushed past their faces narrowly missing now he's trying to kidnap us. The siblings were horrified and began to back away slowly, but Tinky Winky was determined to get his meal. What the fuck? Tinky Winky. No wonder he's 10 feet tall. He's a big boy, grown boy. Hopefully not grown anymore. He needs some good food. He's got to get all the way to 45 feet like his father before him. Oh no. The siblings were horrified and began to back

away slowly, but Tinky Winky was determined to get his meal. Zandy and Christine were running for their lives now, dodging and weaving as they tried to get away from the ravenous Teletubby. Just as they thought they were about to be consumed by the monster, Zandy and Christine stumbled upon a small fence and quickly climbed over it. Panting and sweating, the siblings finally made it to safety and took a moment to catch their breath. They were grateful to have escaped with their lives and vowed never to visit the petting zoo again. From that day on, Zandy and Christine never forgot

the terrifying experience they had at the petting zoo. They told their parents and friends about... God, sorry, it keeps switching over. They told their parents and friends about their encounter with Tinky Winky and the story quickly spread throughout the family. The petting zoo was eventually shut down and the Teletubby exhibit was dismantled. Sandy and Christine were relieved that they would never have to face Tinky Winky again. They learned to never underestimate the dangers that can be found even in the most innocent of places.

The end. Okay, the Teletubby enclosure is not innocent. Also, what happened to the Teletubbies after it was shut down? You don't want to know. They were being exploited and now what? They're just killed? Probably.

Maybe it's for the best that they were put down. Like when an animal goes rogue out of a zoo and they have to like shoot it with a tranquilizer dart. Ever heard of Harambe? That was not a tranquilizer dart. I know. It's a terrible story. Should we read a tranquilizer dart. Ever heard of Harambe? That was not a tranquilizer dart.

I know. It's a terrible story. Should we read a review? Yeah. Cool. That was good, though, Gregory. Good job. That was a fun story.

Sorry, robot. Should I go first? Sure, if you want. This is for Black Box Pinot Grigio. This is a one-star review by Michelle. I have purchased this wine twice now and both times it has given me a headache after three glasses. I also noticed both times that I am in a pretty bad mood the next day. It must be all the additives. It's called a hangover. It's called you're drinking three

glasses of wine every day. I've been there. Don't get me wrong. Yeah, no judgment. But I saw that a lot. People would say, oh, if I went from two glasses to three glasses, I'd feel really crappy the next day and leave a bad review. And I'm like, then don't drink three glasses of this specific wine. Well, it's the additives. The additives that make you in a bad mood the next day. I'm like, that doesn't even make sense. The next day, the wine is still like. I mean, she probably feels shitty and that that you know you know what i say no i don't just try a little more try more yeah just kidding if you never stop then it doesn't have time to catch up to you right exactly right that's a terrible piece of advice like my you just

microdose boxed wine that's what it's. That's why it comes in three liter boxes. Oh, this is called, what we're doing is called microdosing? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's why they say it lasts forever. That's right. It's definitely because they microdose, not because it's in a giant box.

Right. It's only for sample sizes. Yeah. Makes sense. Okay. My first one, this is by Joseph. This is a Franzia Crisp White Wine. Oh, my.

This is a one. This is a Franzia crisp white wine. Oh my. This is a one star review. The Humane Society just texted me. Welcome to our text. Ready to start advocating for animals. And I feel like they heard us talk about Tinky Winky petting Sue. That's alarming. Like they've never texted me before. And I just got a text saying thank you for advocating.

We just talked about putting Tinky Winky down. He tried to put us down. His gullet. Well, true. At least that serves a purpose. Like, what are we going to do with Tinky Winky's body? I'm not eating Tinky Winky. Stop.

Stop. That was terrible. I hate that. Just don't forget, folks. Those noises she made were in reference to eating a Teletubby. Don't forget that fact. OK, let me read what Joseph had to say about this Franzia box. One star. I truly can't think of wine that is worse or more poor quality than Franzia. And for that reason, it's great.

It's the cheapest, most garbage wine. But it's perfect for just getting drunk. End of review. See, I figured that was a good introduction to the purpose. Beautiful. For some people, the purpose of boxed wine. Well, I know a lot of our listeners are very, very, you know, luxurious, high class folks who would never deign to look at a box of wine i mean and let alone drink it those kinds of people write reviews about box wines well i just figured we needed a comment like this to explain to all our very high class listeners that we

understand that not we because i don't drink box wine normally because i'm really far above it right um but yeah we give we give it one star no matter what always no matter what we're doing this for the for the craft is why we're doing the craft boxed wine for the craft of boxed wine got it this is a review of black box cabernet sauvignon oh oh we we a 30 box. And this is one star by Ollie. Why is that funny? Sorry. What part?

You said it like that. I don't know. It's already hitting me because I probably haven't eaten anything today. That's not true. I ate a sandwich. It's also not my fault. That would be not your fault. One star by Ollie.

What is this crap? I got this as a Christmas gift. Somebody's crying. Whoever this to you that's so rude this is the single worst wine i have ever had it's dry to the point of tasting like wood slowly going to vinegar the thing about wine is it should improve with age until it's open so it can't be spoilage this is just awful i need better friends oh that's so mean imagine getting a gift and seeking out a chance to review it honestly you your friends might know the real you if they're just giving you box wine for christmas and saying this is what you just this yeah true with that attitude i'm not gonna buy you anything more than a box of wine this would calm them the fuck down but clearly it didn't work my god my god is right

um we've gotten some shitty gifts we've given some shitty gifts precisely i mean i haven't but you certainly have imagine writing a one-star review of a gift a gift any gift unless it was no there's no nothing well i don't know maybe Maybe. Unless it was like actually mean spirited somehow. I don't leave one star reviews anyway. So that's another story. I have one star review. This is by Steve of the Franzia Moscato. Oh boy.

That shit's sweet, right? It's like dessert wine or is it not? Moscato is just like really sweet wine. It's really sweet. I remember that's what I. Now that will give you a fucking headache. That'll fuck me up. That would give you...

Sick-wise, yeah. Oh, headache central, yeah. Oh, headache central. Choo-choo. Next stop. Slap the bag if you want to get off. Or I guess stay on. Yes.

Sure. I still don't understand. One star. Do yourself a favor and don't buy this. The only reason you should ever be buying boxed wine is if you're having a party and you don't care about your guests. This is nothing but a hangover headache waiting to happen. End of review. Okay, so Ollie and this person can clearly get together and have their own pity party. I think Steve here probably gifted that to Ollie.

Yeah. Steve and Ollie. Gifted a box to Ollie. You know why it probably tastes like vinegar? This box has probably been gifted and gifted and regifted and nobody wants it. True. Probably does taste like vinegar by now. That's disgusting.

Yeah, gross. I did see that a lot in certain boxed wines that it tasted like vinegar. Yeah, apparently a lot of places keep them in the window and that's, and they immediately. What do you mean by places? Sorry. Like liquor stores will like store them in the windows. So when, so I saw a lot of tips, you know, if they've been storing them in the window. The box wine distillery, the winery, like a plant.

Hmm. Sorry. That's where you keep plants. It's like the opposite of plant. You don't keep plants in the window? Oh, is that why they keep dying? Okay. No, I'm kidding.

I'm saying, yes. We're on the same page. You're supposed to put a plant in the window. You're not supposed to put a box of wine. I get that mixed up though. Yeah. Well, that's why that box of wine is all wet. I've been watering it for like three days.

Nothing's happened. It's just shit. it for like three days nothing's happened this is this is a three-star review of black box cabernet sauvignon three liter box three stars by kevin it's a fair wine i know from years of consumer experience wait a second wait consumer experience that means you've just been drinking for a long time i think that right is that the joke yeah i assume so no it's not a joke i'll keep reading are they do they go to box wine conventions um you're onto something it's a fair wine i know from years of consumer experience that and i was a wine salesman for 30 years. Oh shit. Why didn't you lead with that? Yeah, true. Nobody's

impressed by years of consumer experience. That doesn't mean even drinking wine. That literally means that you drink a lot. Or drink, not even a lot. You just drink. I don't know. It tasted old, but it was not. I can only conclude that at some point this box was stored improperly at the wholesalers or retailers or both.

It was probably subjected to unacceptably damaging periods of heat other than that the wine is a bit stemmy which is expected from chilean wines good fruit and still drinkable sort of end of review can i be an asshole yeah a wine salesman i feel like that's what you are if you aren't cut out. My God, this stupid fucking wine. Sure idea. You're not cut out to be a sommelier, you know? Okay, well, one time.

Is that really mean? That sounds really mean to say to a wine salesman. I would say it's mean except for the fact that I once worked. That's true. Except for the fact that it's true and the truth hurts. The truth hurts, but it's not mean. Okay. I, did you say no offense? Because that means that it wasn't rude.

Because that's usually what you say before something that's really. I said not to be an asshole, but. That counts. No, I worked on a reality show about sommeliers for, at Esquire back when RIP, that was a thing. And it never made it to TV, but I went through, I like helped cut all the footage and stuff. And I didn't know about this.

Yeah. It was kind of boring. Sounds terrible. To be fair, it was an unpaid internship. So anything I was doing was probably somewhat boring, but it's so hard to pass that test. Yeah, no.

So like, it's not even like rude to say you're not cut out because it's like extremely exclusive. I think from what I gathered from this, maybe they were just exaggerating for the sake of reality TV. But the way they were like studying things, it seemed very exclusive. And I will say the wine salesman is going to know 10,000 times more than what I know. But yeah, I feel like a sommelier is like a cut above the rest. I kind of sit using these phrases that I don't know. So weird. Is that right?

Is that correct? A cut above the... Yeah, but it sounds like a... I just keep using the word cut. Slogan for a cheese shop or something. No, no. Cut above the rest. It's just a weird thing to say.

I don't know. It's not even related to cheese. Like you cut it. You cut the cheese. What does... You cut above the rest. Stop! That doesn't mean anything.

It means that it's a slogan probably. Like maybe if it's like Cheese for bedtime Because it's rest The word rest is in there Don't say that Why? Don't say cheese for bedtime It upsets me that's why Why?

Because it's deeply upsetting No it's not It's so troubling I'm anti-cheese and I say that Then don't say it Okay I won't appropriate your cheese bullshit. Cheese for bedtime. Okay.

You know cheese makes you have bad dreams. It does? Yes. I did not know that. Is that why you're freaking out right now? Now you know. Why does it give you... Okay, I take nightmare pills.

The only side effect is that it gives me nightmares. I'm not even kidding. There's a TikToker, for example, this is just an example. I'm not saying this is my only source, but there is a TikToker. It is her only source. There's a TikToker who sleepwalks. She's extremely famous. I should know her name.

And she. Oh, Sonambulist. Sonambulist. Sonambulist. Yeah, Somali-blist. Somali-blist. And she will record, she has like a camera that records her, like all the things she does during her sleep. And people are always like, that's dangerous.

Why do you blah, blah, blah. She says she only sleepwalks very intentionally for content. And she just has to eat cheese throughout the day. And then at night she'll sleepwalk. She's like, it's not foolproof. I wonder I stopped sleepwalking. I went vegan. Oh my God.

I used to sleep. I used to be a Somali bullist. You really did. Yeah. You really. So you don't sleep. I don't think I slept walked when I was not vegan. Like for that.

I don't know. Like there were many years I didn't sleepwalk. It wasn't just since I turned vegan. Oh my God. I feel like we're onto something. that i don't know like there were many years i didn't sleepwalk it wasn't just since i oh my god i feel like we're on to something i really don't what it is i don't know but something okay i think it's your turn two stars this is of the moscato again the francia moscato uh this is by sheila Have you slapped the bag? Then you know this is the grossest yet the most necessary purchase of a college student. End of review.

Oh, no. There was no psst there. I just added it for fun. That was. I thought it was fun. It added to the creep factor. Right? For sure.

Have you ever slapped the bag? I thought you were going to say psst. Hey, kid. Have you heard of night cheese? Cheese for bedtime or whatever you called it. Yeah. You like gladiators? Huh?

Nothing. I miss, I'm just misquoting a movie. Oh, cool. I actually have a redemption. Okay. It's a black box. It's a black box Cabernet. Oh, wait, Cabernet Sauvignon?

Yeah, that's the one. It's a five-star review by Donald, a verified buyer on Drizzly. But not a verified seller. No. Okay. They make that very clear. Got it.

No, it's on Drizzly, which is the app that delivers alcohol. It's like Uber Eats or Postmates, but for alcohol. And this is a five-star review by Donald. Wine delivery. That's it? That's it.

Amazing. Wine delivery. That's going to be me. It's probably me already. Cheese delivery. Cheese, no. I just made that, made me smile. That was a really fun one.

Amidst the sea of all the acid reflux, I just had to go with, you know, all the heartburn. Yeah. My last one in my document says so casually depressing semicolon. It's supposed to be a colon. I wrote a semicolon instead. Oh, wow. So I'm curious what that is because I don't remember any of these reviews. Fantastic.

I wasn't even like, I wasn't not sober. Okay. This was just days ago. Can't wait. Anyway. You were in Vegas. I feel like maybe. I think I did this research when I was in Phoenix.

No, maybe I was in Vegas. Because Vegas, I just feel like you're there and you kind of. I was driving to Vegas and just doing my research. You kind of like. Just kidding. I don't do that. Absorb the environmental effects that that is fair the environmental effects in vegas casino is nuts a rumor i mean that's

like smoking is allowed and now everyone's vaping it's hilarious smoking is allowed yeah you can smoke like cigarettes inside the casinos oh i think maybe not all isn't there a rumor or myth that they lower the oxygen levels? I have never heard that one. Do they normally pump oxygen into places? That's the thing. When you go to Whole Foods or Trader Joe's to get your box of wine, is there a pump that's pumping oxygen in? No, but Whole Foods probably elevated oxygen levels they're pumping in. True. I think at a casino, the rumor is probably elevated oxygen levels they're pumping in. True.

But I think at a casino, the rumor is that it's... This is a very bizarre rumor. Maybe. I don't know. I just know they don't have windows. We literally had a moment where... No clocks, no windows. It was like after 9 p.m. and we didn't notice.

And then we were like, oh shit, we haven't had dinner yet. We had a late lunch, but still. It got us. You got a box of wine. You said, this is my dinner now. Yes. Absolutely. Here's a three-star review of the Franzia Pink Moscato Wine.

Oh, boy. This is by, hmm, Chantrelle. Is that a mushroom? Yeah. Chantrelle. Mm-hmm. Nothing beats the three-day-long hangover of a boxed wine. Slap the bag with your friends or drink while crying in the shower.

Either way, you're drinking boxed wine. Tastes good and is a great value. But come on, you can do better. End of review. Whoa, that just got kind of... It got judgy. It got kind of mean at the end. Yeah, yeah.

Could I do better? No. Honestly, no. No. You couldn do better? No. Honestly, no. No. You couldn't. I know. It's my opinion. I have a review of...

Okay. I guess we're moving on from that. I figured I might as well before you get to insert yourself. I have a review of Trader Joe's Box Chiraz. That's what I'm drinking right now. Oh, no. This is one star and it was on Vivino. Oh.

Am I supposed to know what that is? Vivino, I don't know. It sounds like a wine app. It does. A wine website. It sounds niche. I'm just obsessed with this review. This is-

For grantia of wine. For grantica? Yeah, for grantica of wine. Just my niche review app. Review site. So this is one star. By William. Who marked that it was a 2017 vintage. Which I'm assuming means. That's hilarious.

They bought it in that year. I don't know. I was going to say. I was about to check the box. Does it have a vintage? Hmm. Because. Now that I'm looking at this.

It looks like. Is it dangerous to turn this upside down? No. Okay. The review was. Written. Okay. The review was written. Sorry, the bag. Just don't slap it. It's sloshing around.

Yeah. It's so gross. Oh, wait. So if you slap it, does it come out without you twisting this? No, no. I'm just joking. Oh, okay. I was like, maybe that's part of it.

No, I don't think that's a thing. Oh, the instructions to open are on the bottom. So far, I'm not seeing a vent. Oh, wait. At the top top there's a stamp bottled on yeah that's oh it's a 2022 okay wow october of 2022 okay so a few months so specific october 10th naughty 2020 oh wow very specific wow today was they said bottled on. Bottled. 2017. Bagged, am I right?

That's a good one. Thank you. One star by William, who, by the way, has written 336 rating reviews on Vivino. This says, one star, bright cherry and strawberry with oaky notes and medium tannins. Great with a string cheese. Before you finish, I was like, are they joking? No, I think they're just being an asshole. That's hilarious.

Because I was like, dang, I'm not getting any of those notes. Not that I would on a fancy wine. I'm pretty sure they were just being an asshole and saying like, you might as well eat a string cheese with this, which I listen, I don't knock a string cheese, a nighttime string cheese. I don't think I'd go there.

Safe. No, not safe. I have a review by Terry. Okay. And this is of the Franzia house wine. Cool. Cool. Cool.

Cool. This is three stars. Does the job for slap the bag, stars. Does the job for slap the bag. That crisp, refreshing taste of wine sliding down the back of your throats, right into your stomach. That warm sensation all over your body after half the bag. That's what Fran...

Jesus Christ! Half the bag is like one and a half bottles of wine. One and a half liters. Yes. One and a half liters. Yes. One and a half liters of wine. So two bottles. Wait, I'm not... Oh yeah,.7. Yeah, that's right. Jesus Christ! Oh, wait, no.

This person, Terry, is reviewing a five liter. Holy shit. Holy shit. Wow. I'm not very good at math, but I think that's over three bottles of wine. You were going to say I'm not very good at math but i think that's over three bottles of wine you were gonna say i'm not very good at drinking and i was gonna say i am and even for me that's a lot yes yeah i believe that um just one more sentence to sum it all up ready and that's what franzia is all about end of review franzia, cease and desist. This is not what we've ever.

Please don't tell people that. We've never set out to be whatever you just said about your sliding down your throat. I wish he had said gullet. I thought gullet. And then I was like. Or something about emptying the bag, you know, emptying the bag, emptying itself down my gullet. It's so sick. The warm sensation.

I know. As it's smooth liquid goes deep inside me you know i'm writing a francier review i'm a reviewer it's what i do i wrote influencer.com check me out as you were reading that i'm like i was gonna say a minute ago it was like half an hour ago my camera shut off and it was as you were saying all that gross shit about my camera was probably like, this is above my pay grade. I don't know. It just shut down.

And then you had to read it again. I had to. I had to. Punishment for me. I had to. I don't like it. It had to be done. Well, I guess that can't be argued with.

I have a redemption here. And this is of France. France. Oh, my God. France? That's where wine comes from sometimes. Not Franzia, though. Don't think Franzia comes from there.

This is a review of Franzia Sunset Blush on Drizzly. Five stars by Phyllis. I live in a retirement community in Baltimore, and it is wonderful to be able to order my boxes of wine on a monthly basis. They delivered my three boxes in the hours they projected four to five p.m. End of review. That's so cute. I love Phyllis.

That's so funny. I want to go to slap the bag at Phyllis's house. That sounds like a party. And then drive home in a golf cart. True. Not drunk though Yeah Just a little high on life

High on life, yeah Yeah, I just love the fact that Phyllis gave us so much information She lives in a retirement community in Baltimore Yeah, I was Getting three boxes of wine a month I feel like when people give that much detail, usually it's a complaint Yeah You know, you usually have something bad to say yeah um but no not this time i and three bought when it first

started i was like oh box a month okay three bucks three boxes a month which also seems reasonable i don't know i i guess hey if you're retired fucking do what you want the box says uh this one at least the shiraz here says 45 days is like, as long as it'll stay good for. But it also says, but we know you're not going to let it last that long. So they know. They know what they're doing. That's funny. Yeah, three boxes of Franzia a month.

I'm going to Phyllis's house for sure. She's having a fun time. You should. If you do get an in with Phyllis, please invite me. Okay. I will happily do that. If you don't talk about sliding down your gullet no promises phyllis is into it it's okay phyllis is vehemently against no she's no she's listen to that review like that you read everybody just think about that review you know phyllis would be cracking up At me talking about warm liquid

Sliding down my gullet Stop it Phyllis doesn't like it Phyllis loves it Phyllis and I get along so well That's the last review I have Good Do you have any more Yeah I do Here's a three star review of Franzia Moscato 1

Okay This is by Wachel. Wachel? Fuck. Their name is Rachel W. And I wanted to use a W. W as a name,

but I couldn't come up with something like Winona or Whitney. So instead I said Wachel. Oh, right. Three stars. By Wachel. Great for parties.

Nothing brings friends together like a box of wine. bag of sturdy and can handle being passed around end of review oh my god don't emphasis mine don't invite wachel to phyllis's house emphasis mine okay i can go to wachel's house though you go to wachel's house wachel and i understand each other would for sure be into your weird gross sense of humor. I wonder what retirement community Rachel lives in. I hope that's a thing. I feel a little bit like you and Rachel get along better than you and Phyllis would. You know what?

I get along really well with everybody. My last one. Okay. Three stars. This is of the Franzia Rhine. The what? Franzia Rhine. R-H-I-N-E.

Oh, I've never heard of that. Yeah. Well, this is the one that says it's depressing, but I don't remember it. It's my last one. Oh, this is the one where you wrote that note. Yeah. My note literally says, so casually depressing, semicolon. If you're the kind of wine connoisseur that drinks from a box, then this is for you. My note literally says, so casually depressing, semicolon.

If you're the kind of wine connoisseur that drinks from a box, then this is for you. Not so heavy a taste that you can actually loathe it. Just light enough that you can choke it down by the gallon after you've put your little monsters to bed and are preparing for your nightly argument with the hubby. End of review. Oh, no. So sad. It's like, what did you write casually depressing yeah it's like just like everyday depressing it's kind of like normalizing this like just negativity i don't know like in a relationship wow i don't know their relationship and it's probably it just seems like a joke

so i'm not trying to read too much into it but let's hope that it's a joke and they're just being very clever ha ha ha uh yeah too much bugs and wine that's very casually depressing semicolon um i at least have my challenge to go okay yes this is from molly on patreon and it is to find reviews where someone brags about how attractive they are okay oh and y'all we have two this sounds amazing and next week's is gonna be amazing what did sounds amazing. And next week's is going to be amazing. What sounds amazing? Did you see what the next week's one is? This challenge. Oh, not dinner.

I'm excited to hear this one. Did I see? You literally said, give me this. I forced her to pick it for me. You said, give me this challenge. Christina, it was from Noah. I made an editor's note on Patreon. I was so excited about it.

Like a little Zandy note. It's to find reviews where people say me likey i hate the world and don't send any more in because we've already recorded it but if you're hearing this we've already recorded it alexander's gonna say send as many in as you want but don't do it well yeah keep sending them i'll still i'll still read them for myself i'm not interested late at night in bed gross what not you? Not, you know, just... Everyone just hit... Oh, I'm sorry. It's gross to read in bed. Okay. My challenge

for Molly on Patreon was to find reviews where someone brags about how attractive they are. So this first one that I have was from Abby, and it's of an app called Likeable, the beauty meter. No. That's hilarious. But Likeable is spelled L-A-I-K. So it's spelled wrong likable is spelled L-A-I-K.

So it's spelled wrong. It's spelled L-A-I-Kable. Why? I don't know. Probably because the real likable was taken. Isn't that like the dog that died in space? Oh, yeah. Laika?

Yeah. It's also a camera brand. Why are you making everything sad? What's so sad about camera brands? Okay, here's likable the beauty meter about this app ever wondered how hot you are no i know do you fit together as a couple that seems rude what if one of you is like super hot could you imagine if you and blaze took this quiz and it was like oof sorry blaze you actually no it's actually the other way right i was gonna say whatever the other way around for sure because blaze is definitely one to like listen to apps like that yeah for advice well when we started

dating i did one of those zodiac things and it said we were the least compatible of all star signs and uh i don't know he went forward with it so whatever so likable is an advanced ai no which can analyze and measure the beauty of your face that's so problematic at the least it's extremely problematic another important feature is the couple analysis which can rate how much do you fit together as a couple. Cool. So this is the first review I have and it's of this app. I hope it's written by a 12 year old or a high school or something. Like there's no other reason anyone should be using this. This is one star by a Google user.

This app is shit. It shows that I am ugly. and the golden ratio face app said that i'm perfect and works way better end of review the golden oh my god also i love like that one works way better for no other reason not because it called me beautiful it's like those tiktok fucking filters yeah it's gross it is gross um and the ones where it's like, uh, I'm going to look up this app, the ones where like it only sort of works if, um, you have like white skin. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And it's like, okay. No, that's what I'm saying. That's why it's so problematic. It's so fun. Here we go. Golden ratio face shape app. This is just, I mean, this is like, not to be dramatic, but eugenicists would have loved this shit back in the day.

Okay. I'm sorry but now i'm just picturing hitler getting his hands on some sort of app like this and being like see i was right your symmetry is actually like right like it's so fucked like why is this yeah anyway um oh my god what your face says about you your characteristics your, your beauty, your love, your health, your wealth, your ethnicity. Okay. I don't think I need an app to tell me that. So wait, it judges your wealth based on how you look?

Yeah. So, oh no. Oh no. Golden Ratio Face App uses facial symmetry, facial structure, and the golden ratio, okay, to calculate the beauty of anyone. It is scientifically proven that we are more attracted to people with a symmetrical face and facial features. And like, what are you supposed to do?

It tells you your face is not symmetrical and then you just like feel sad. Like what? No. Yeah. What's the purpose? Well, that's the thing with those TikTok filters. A lot of people will do them and be like, oh shit, I didn't realize how ugly I was.

Yeah. And it's like, you're not ugly. Horrible. You're just seeing yourself in a way that you're not used to seeing yourself. Like if they do it like a certain, because usually they like do a symmetry thing. Yeah. And they like flip your one side and then flip the other side. And you're like, oh, my left side is so much prettier or whatever.

And then you put it back to normal and you're like, oh, I look wonky. I'm terrible. Yeah. It's just mind games. I mean, not that I would know what that's like, because every time I do it, I'm terrible yeah it's just we're just mind games i mean not that i would know what that's like because every time i do it i'm like that's just me that's what i look like all the time my face is so asymmetrical mine is too actually like my one of my eyes is like always smaller than the other it is i have the small eye too my eyes smaller than the other i have one dimple on one side. It's all out of whack.

A symmetrical face usually shows that we are healthy. Okay. Well, I'm certainly not healthy right now. We're not healthy, so maybe they're onto something. But again, I don't need an app to tell me that. I already know. Use this app to tell how symmetrical your facial features and facial structure are. You can also enjoy beauty competitions with your family. What?

I like instead of friends, it's your family. That's true. Why don't you and your family do a beauty contest? Or analyze the face of your dad or your mom. Okay. Oh, my God. This is insane. Okay.

But apparently it works way better than the other one, since it told that one person they were perfect. This one's with science. This one is scientific. Okay. So this is another review of this likable The Beauty Meter sent in by Abby. This is one star. And then I'll read the edit at the end. No, very good.

Every other app like this gives me reasonable high scores and a lot of people have told me I'm quite attractive. But this app gives very low scores with big variations just depending on a very slight change in lighting. Then you have to pay to unlock to see other scores. So in my opinion, this is a scam app to get you to pay by psychology as a low score will make you want to check other people's scores for comparison. Edit.

Even worse, the app lets you upload a photo and then you can't use it. What are you doing with our pictures? No. Yeah, no shit. Oh, well, sorry that this is sketchy. Spooky. Yeah, that's interesting. Nice little database.

They're like, look at your perfect symmetrical face. I don't know what the fuck they're going to want to do with my photos. Taking us to the clone lab. To the clone lab. Can you imagine? I mean, I don't know. Again, nothing good can come of any of this. But it's like the same thing.

Those mind games. I mean, when I was on dating apps and it would tell you like, oh. It would keep telling you. This many people viewed your profile. Would you like to pay to see who viewed it? Oh. Shit like that. Like, so similar your profile would you like to pay to see who viewed it shit like that like so similar thing where you do would you like to pay to see these other people's ratings sucked into that too but then i think wait a second then the other people can see that you pay and then it feels kind of like not a good look you're telling on yourself yeah like then other people are like they pay for a premium i am one who has

paid money on dating apps to no success. To be fair, I paid on. You pay on all your little games. No, but I paid on Bumble BFF. Oh, okay. And now the mom app keeps wanting me to pay. I was going to say, you were on dating apps like 30 years ago. At least for me, it was like a few.

At least. Like not that it's a good thing or a better thing. I'm just saying like i have more experience more recent experience the friend ones yeah but then i can see it cuts so much more crazy but then when other people see that i pay for it i'm like well that's kind of weird i don't i feel like people are gonna be like what a weirdo you're paying for this app yeah i don't know i don't know maybe i just don't get it well and now tiktok has an option where you can view who sees your profile who's viewed if but you have to make it so that oh like other people can see like linkedin yes it's exactly exactly oh that's i was so tempted

that's so toxic i was so tempted and then i'm like why like what's it gonna what like and then i'm like why like what's it good what like if if a certain person i know views my profile what's so what like what's what's it's not a dating app you know it's not like so i get it for dating apps more where you're like oh this person might be interested in me sure but like in this case it's like okay they just wanted to view my tiktok profile and maybe hated it and left like it's not gonna get you anywhere i don't need people seeing that i'm on their profile okay well i feel like this goes great maybe i do need them to see that because then they'd be like who's this handsome fella oh and then they'll follow me back they do say that he looks funny actually actually handsome he's funny looking he's maybe he's actually funny not symmetrical yeah at all that's what being a that's why we have

a humorist is all about Comedy on our side I'm not a humorist That is a Very different thing What's that? Isn't that like a Someone who like That's

That's a more intellectual Type where you like Write Like you write Like a satire Based on Like David Sedaris I don't know

This is You lost me What? Who's David Sedaris again? Oh my god I can't talk to you right now I can't talk to You lost me. What? Who's David Sedaris again? Oh my God. I can't talk to you right now. I can't talk to you when you're like this. This is our review of Likeable, the beauty meter.

Four stars. Oh. How to delete the scores. No. That's so sad. That is sad. How do I make sure no one can see how ugly I am? Maybe they're so beautiful that they

don't want to intimidate their mom and dad. Those photos they also added. Maybe they won the beauty competition and it ended in just family drama. They're like, oh gosh, I gotta change. I mean, no, I think it's just sad.

David Sedaris, American humorist. Yeah. Like that's literally what it says. Nailed it. Yeah. He writes an essay. Nailed it. Okay.

Got it. He's an SO. Yeah. That kind of stuff. Yeah. I know who, I know the name. I'm sure I know who David Sedaris is. I just had too much to drink.

You seemed like it. So this is a review of. Did you ever win the Thurber Prize for American humor? Obviously he did. Okay, and then yes, I do know him. Because you were a runner up for that? No. This is from Emily Sheher, and it's a review of a three-in-one diaper bag.

Oh, I know Amy Sedaris, too. They're siblings. Yeah. That's wild. Okay, sorry. Don't look at the camera. She's doing like a, having a Jim moment from the, okay, Jim never did that, but that's his name.

I'm a humorist. You're not funny. You are funny. You're just not a humorist. What's this review of? I'm sorry. A diaper bag. Okay.

Emily, she, her, three in one diaper bag backpack with changing pad. I'm so curious where this is going well it's not great this is a four-star review by jk oh yeah but it's a verified purchase and they bought the color gray i am a man in my 40s and i was a huge hit at an all-female baby shower with gifting this it made everyone wet for me even my mom oh my god they could have used some diapers am i right jesus christ well they were at the right place yeah uh excuse me who says that i don't know but like like emily went and looked at this guy's profile and like he in multiple reviews he wrote weird shit like that but also wrote a lot

of normal reviews so that's amazing which like it makes it so much more upsetting because it's not just all a joke yes this guy is genuinely they're not just like some troll who just yeah has a an mo it's like sometimes they're in a mood and they write really gross stuff about their mother he verified this was like a verified purchase it's just grotesque um so here's a review this is from tart i say some stupid shit but i never posted like that online yeah i would hope not i wouldn't say this specifically maybe but maybe i wouldn't put it past me i would i've said some weird shit okay this is uh a review from target and this was actually posted on the target subreddit by an employee who wrote the most insane review of my store on yelp and then posted it and the

reason i took it from the subreddit is that i found it via google but the actual original review has been deleted off of yelp so i just have this screenshot okay Nice. Okay. From the subreddit. And it's a five-star review. So the employee who worked there posted this. Got it. User Shanoa Pop. So this is the review. Five stars by Mark. Look, I'll say it.

The girls who work at Target are hot. They give Victoria's Secret a run for their money. One of the major distinctions between Walmart and Target, and there are many, is the physical attractiveness of their employees. With Walmart, generally speaking, they certainly aren't known for their attractive employees, to be fair, neither

really are any store. I don't think so. I went to Chippendales this past weekend. That's its own thing. Like, that is like. Right. Because that's the whole point. That's the whole point.

But even out of Victoria's Secret, I've never thought like. I just needed to get that in there, this episode. I know you did. And I'm glad we did. And then I tried to move on. It was fun. I just feel like even out of Victoria's Secret, you're not like, oh, I go there to see all the hot babes.

No. Yeah. And like, it's not like they're in lingerie. No. Like, I was just in one like a month ago. It's not. Prowling. Oh, it's in our. Just kidding. Stop lingerie. No. I was just in one like a month ago. It's not. Prowling. Just kidding.

Stop it. Just kidding. I was looking for towels. Is that why you keep going to Target? For towels? Those khakis. Those khakis. So true.

No, but no, that's so, that's so weird. Why would you. Not that I. And like, why would you go to a store for that? Like, that's ridiculous. That's gross. That's gross. It's very beyond creepy.

Yeah, that's ridiculous that's that's that's it's very beyond creepy yeah that's gross like i understand to all these viewers and listeners that you're you're watching and consuming our content because of how attractive i am right that's my voices that's very different that's different we can't help it yeah we can't i keep saying we even though he's only saying i am only saying myself yeah but we can't help it. Yeah. You know what's interesting is I make all of our listeners wet. Sorry. Is that what he said? That guy? Call back.

Maybe you are a humorist. David? Don't talk to David. David will not have me. Leave David out of this. I'll write an essay Nevermind I'm done I'm done We're never doing wine again

We're never You've had four sips I've refilled my glass You've had four sips I'm not deep into this wine I took a red eye in I didn't sleep on the plane at all. And I landed at 6 a.m. this time, which is 3 a.m. Vegas time.

Did you sleep at home? Yeah. A few hours. I've done that, too, though, where I flew in and then immediately started drinking, which was before a Bengals game. I took a red eye from San Francisco into Cincinnati. That's bold. Napped for about an hour and a half and then like went to the bangles game so i've been there but i didn't have to record so uh i feel your pain

um it gets worse this review well it's not over that's right it's honestly far from this guy far from over forgot about him with walmart speaking, they certainly aren't known for their attractive employees. But Target, oh Target. Those fresh young cuties in their tight khaki pants. Oh my god. It's bad. It's like really That got worse. It's like serial killer level.

No, yeah. Yeah. It's like very predator. Predatory behavior. Sorry, the word fresh should not be in. No. In this review. Young. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. And young, especially. All of this. Fresh. Like, I don't want to know what he's trying to say with that, but it's disgusting. Those fresh young cuties. Stop.

Don't say it again. I have to finish the sentence. Okay, fine. In their tight khaki pants, hugging their curvy bubble butts just right. Sometimes I gaze among the beautiful little starlets. This sounds like talking about Patsy Queen, like little kids. This is not okay. Right?

There's something. It's disturbing. Someone needs to be reported. Call the police. Oh, it was removed from Yelp, though. That's good, at least. Oh, that's true. That's good.

Yeah, so they must have gotten it. But we're making sure that it lives on. That's very important. Clearly Clearly we want it to survive. Sometimes I gaze among the beautiful little starlets and enter a daydream where all the target Oh no. Christina, have you

never read this before? I forgot. I forgot and this is one I found. I can't even blame someone else for this. This guy I forgot and this is when I found I can't even blame someone else for this this guy might be at a target but he's certainly missing the mark I'm glad you like that one you're the only one good okay that was so stupid that was was terrible. Sometimes, okay. That was intentionally terrible, but thank you.

Sometimes I gaze among the beautiful little starlets and enter a daydream where all the Target girls take turns sitting on my face in those tight khakis with the smell of rose petals and daffodils on a breezy spring day seeping from their loins. What? Why am I reading this? Christina, this is a review I would read. This is a predator. Okay.

It is. No, it is. I didn't mean to back up your saying you would read. I was going to say, like, why did you have to say that right after I said it? You would read something this uncomfortable. Like, to make you uncomfortable. But this person is a predator. This is a predator.

For sure. You can't speak like this about strangers. This person watches, like like the movie American Beauty. Yes. And loves it for the wrong reasons. For all the rose petals. So he wrote here, Of course, though, I would never act on such a thing.

This person's like living out their fantasies in Yelp reviews. On Yelp. Disgusting. Get a fucking Zanga, my guy. Get a live journal. Like literally'm like what literally anything get deviant art i don't care just take it away from yelp get on second life and work at a target like or just shop at a target all day not a real life oh my god i was like christina do not encourage this. In second life. You should be banned, sir, from all Target.

From real Target. Probably second life Target, too. Here we go. Of course, though, I would never act on such a thing. Unless, of course, I got the girl's full consent. Which I'd never have a chance of getting because I'm too shy to talk to them

in the first place. The predator. I'm sorry. As a shy person, this is a predator. Maybe I have a shot. I don't know. I am an attractive guy with a beard. With a beard.

That automatically means a lot. That'll change it. That's what I wrote in. Not that, but I wrote in, I am an attractive guy to search for reviews where people called themselves. Got it. And this is what I found. Stores are always clean and organized and the products and aisles are always evenly

zoned, but that's only because no one shops here. They are all shopping at Walmart and dirtying up the place. LOL. For real though. How does this place even stay in business? It's always empty compared to a Walmart with roughly the same prices. I mean, the Hampton one does good business, but the south county one has to do horrible business the parking lot is never full and it's in a horrible location where you can't even see it from the main road which would be fine if it were a dental office but it's a freaking target end of review

imagine if this person just had not included the first four or five paragraphs or whatever just that last bit would have been a perfect review. The FBI wouldn't have him on a list. Yeah. Well, so actually maybe it's good. Maybe it's for the best. That it was all included. Might as well include it.

Oh my God. And I just remembered that an employee who works at that Target is the one who posted it. So I'm sure word got around. Which I kept trying to find the review and it kept, it kept rerouting me to like Victoria's Secret, but it, cause it's, cause he mentions it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the internet could not figure out where this was actually from. I hate when that happens.

I do too. So I eventually finally found it on Reddit and I was like, oh, this is way worse. Cause now I have the context that an employee. Yeah. An employee has has the employees are aware of this aware of this which is actually maybe good person's daydreams hopefully uh i don't know well i have good news because they have a badge on their subreddit um that's that reads promoted to guest i love that i love that that's one's one of the, that's a, that's a thing on the Starbucks.

Um, uh, a label. I don't know. It's a, it's a, uh, a tag. I can keep saying words.

Man, as a person. Yeah. Well, that's why I asked you. I thought you'd know. Um, like I try to type in,

it's a flare. Sorry. I type, try to type in Reddit and it goes to Redfin home buying app. So like that's how little I am involved. But yeah, so. You can change your flair. Her flair is promoted to guest.

I love that. I think the Starbucks subreddit has something similar. Something similar, I'm sure. So this is a review sent in by Nina. She, her. I should join that subreddit, that Target one. Sounds fun. It sounds disturbing you know i but also like i don't know i just learned so many ways

to like support starbucks employees by reading their subreddit right which means by not going to starbucks is the best way to support them um oops who Whoops. I go, but I always tip. Yeah, no, if I do go, it's when it's the one place that's available and I need coffee. But here's the thing. I'm a terrible person, but whatever. I just tip.

Well, that's true. But you go to Dunkin', like you can't be that much better, is it? No. Okay. You're right. I'm just asking. I think.

But also, guess what? The coffee shop near me also just gotten a bunch of shit oh that one yes the one we don't go to i was like so i'm like even the locally owned coffee shop is like in trouble now i'm like today i'm going to the nice one i'm planning on after this because i haven't had coffee yet today are you serious i rolled out of bed you You got to sober up. Ate a sandwich. Yeah, I'm trashed right now. I rolled out of... Stop looking at me like that while you drink your wine. I rolled out of bed. Ate a sandwich that mom had lovingly prepared for me.

While... And then I drove here. And here we are. I don't know why... And now she's driving me back. I don't know why you booked a red eye Because it was all that I could find So this is of a website

A review of a website called Millionaire Match This sounds amazing Here The largest millionaire Oh shit What? Where'd they get my photo? I never consented to that

D, I didn't do it The largest millionaire dating service for wealthiest countries since 2001. Since 2001. Imagine if D found out I was a millionaire through this website. I'm not a millionaire, to be clear. We talk about our billions of dollars every episode. I just think it's funny that This exists. Meet 5,323,985 plus high quality singles and build serious relationships. And you can write, oh my God, wait, stop. There's two options.

One, I am a successful single making over $300,000 a year. Okay. The other option. Yeah. I want a successful single who's making $300,000 a year okay the other option yeah i want a successful single is making three hundred thousand dollars a year i am an attractive single that's hilarious so literally what you just said that's hilarious you're either wealthy quote unquote for their like yeah service or if you're not quote unquote attractive you better bring money to the

table so this is super great now i But now I have a great goal. $300,000 a year. Perfect. You can finally find some serious relationships. This website looks so sketchy, though. Like it looks well done, but still sketchy. Sugar daddy or sugar baby relationships are strictly prohibited. But isn't that exactly what?

Okay. No, no, no, no, no, no. This is matchmaking. Take it seriously this is this is for a loving relationship between a rich person and an attractive person not a sugar baby relationship which often doesn't include anything sexual so in this they're basically telling you expect sex sure i just made that up but um while in vegas we did see a lifetime movie it was like something about captured by my um sugar daddy or something we were watching this like sugar daddy movie it

was hilarious it was really good i'll be honest it sounds like uh all those Discovery shows that I watch that are like every possible niche of true crime has its own series now. It's like, yeah, like a sugar daddy series, a true crime series. But this isn't true crime. This was a Lifetime movie. Lifetime Movie Network. So it was like just it was not based on reality. Lifetime just made a Gabby Petito movie. So I'm just saying.

Oh, OK. This was very much a Fictional Fictional movie Okay because they do make like actual true crime content The mom was like Trying to like save her 18 year old daughter from this old man Who it turns out was trafficking her to Burma Which is interesting

So we got very deep into this whole thing over the weekend Because Burma was officially changed their name to Myanmar in 1989, the same year that the movie Driving Miss Daisy came out. They might be unrelated, but that's another story. So they changed the name, but we were like, why the fuck are they using Burma when this movie came out in 2022? So I write up the Wikipedia page. It is a very complicated history of the Burma and Myanmar, not of this movie came out in 2022 so i write up the wikipedia page it is a very complicated history

of the burma and myanmar not of this movie so like were they trying to make a political statement because some people say that burma is more inclusive of uh minorities in burma slash myanmar but the myanmar military that runs the country because there was a whole coup and stuff says myanmar is better i don't know so anyway i think this seems like beside all of this seems like the correct platform to discuss the best part was they were on the private plane at the end spoiler alert for this sugar daddy movie um they get on this plane there's this like douchey guy and then the sugar daddy the douchey guy is like his friend or something or they work together to traffic these women um so they lured

the two women onto this plane and they're gonna bring them to burma or something i don't know um we just thought the burma thing was funny because the girl didn't really seem the 18 year old didn't seem that upset until he said burma and then she's like i'm like what does she know it's called myanmar exactly um but then the mom showed up first the dad and the mom show up they rammed their suv into the to the private plane so we like kind of tipped and like they fell over the mom has a gun i don't remember where she got it she walks in and fucking execution style kills kills oh my god the douchebag guy like we we had to watch a youtube clip because we weren't sure if that actually happened because we were like did she just knock him out like there's no way she just walked up and execution style not no hesitation like this was some like lifetime secret agent shit like

she's where lifetime gets you because like in we've done lifetime movie yes reviews reviews and those are like holiday movies we focused on but then they turn a corner into january and they're like let's give everyone a glock and see what happens like it was insane like we were losing it it was so funny what's this called me this so it's so on the, it was insane. Wow. Like, we were losing it. It was so funny. What's this called? So, on the guide, it was, like, captured by my sugar daddy or something like that.

But the official name, I think, is, like, Prisoner of Love. Trapped by my sugar daddy. Trapped by my sugar daddy. But when you Google that, it shows up with

Prisoner of Love. I don't know why the names are different. Sometimes they have different names in different countries. Okay, well. Like, Burma, it might be Prisoner of Love. But in Myanmar. But in Myanmar. It was, yeah, prisoner of love i don't know why the names are different in different countries okay well like burma it might be true but in myanmar but in myanmar it was yeah got it um what was the point of all this i don't remember like none i don't know why you keep telling me this horrible shit

anyway um here's one of the reviews. Well, actually... Oh, good. We're doing reviews of this movie. I should have come prepared. No, not of this movie. Oh. Of Millionaire Match. Oh, fine.

Oh, yeah. That's where we were. Oh, yeah. That's right. Sugar Daddy. Sugar Daddy. Sugar Daddy. Sugar Daddy.

Sugar Daddy. Sugar Daddy. Sugar Daddy. Sugar Daddy. Sugar Daddy. Sugar Daddy. Sugar Daddy. Sugar Daddy.

This is a review that I just happened to click on when I said testimonials. It said testimonials. I clicked on it. The title is, I had met the man of my dreams on your site hashtag dating so this is just a testimonial if anyone's interested why are they using hashtags i don't know but the fact that this is one of the selected testimonials for the main page and they're like they're like oh this is gonna get the google seo yeah hashtag dating it's so ridiculous i had met the man of my dreams on your site,

and he was whining about how many women strictly wanted him for his money. So for Xmas, I went out and bought this. See photo. The photo's for members only, so I can't really see it. Would you believe Rare Rob didn't want to accept this? They're looking for supermodels with zero body fat it's like get real that's a testimonial from their what does any of it mean so if you're interested what do we think that they bought uh i i don't know if it was like a like a sugar daddy

well i don't know okay my first thought oh, they bought themselves lingerie instead of like, like, cause I was seeing the sugar daddy movie. Um, it was a blu-ray of, um, prisoner of love. Honestly, maybe. Here's another testimonial. I have found someone here. Hashtag engaged. What is his website?

Hello. I don't know why that caught me. Hello. Thank you for providing the tools that i could find my soulmate i had lots of contacts and conversation with many quality women on mm and yes finally after a month i have find and the one i proposed and she said yes and we are about to come up with plan a date for wedding this summer of 2019 when you meet the, you won't have any doubt, and you know she is made just for you, and you've been made for her. It came together so smoothly

that we knew this was an appointment made in heaven. Thanks again, and appreciate the website to be used for such connection. This is AI-generated, all of this. Yeah, it doesn't seem real, does it? This is the fakest fucking thing. Oh, wait, what about this one that's called We Will See? We Will See, fast fast-paced will fly to

italy in september to see his mother moving into his out house august first outhouse moving into his outhouse oh no what could go wrong we will see no moving into his house august first what did you say outhouse or moving into his yeah i did okay i was like do i just is this a fancy term for like a guest house it's fake moving into his house august 1st best match ever but the rest is just fate thanks what does that mean robot i will fly to italy in september to see his mother but i love like but i'm moving in August 1st. So I don't know. I feel like you should have led with that part.

But anyway, this is from Nina, who, by the way, I mentioned like an hour ago, who probably is having a heart attack over there being like, read my damn review. Look, this whole thing is Nina's fault. Nina, you brought me to Millionaire Match. Which brought us to Sugar Daddies. That's right. Which brought me to Lifetime. That's right. You're welcome to Lifetime. That's right.

You're welcome, everybody. You're welcome. I think Nina should be saying you're welcome. This is a 2.61 out of 5 star rating of Millionaire Match. I assume they have like a list of different things you can rate out of 5 and that was the average? Yeah, it was the average. So there are two four stars, which are ease of use and customer service. And then pretty much the rest is all two or ones.

Here we go. I was on website three weeks, got two real messages and 12 messages and winks from fake hidden or not available profiles i am a very attractive woman with perfect body i did favorite several profiles but those guys even didn't pay attention to me i did message some guys who i liked no answer which means they are all fake oh no sure someone's sitting there and sends stupid winks. Normal guy who want to attract woman will send normal message. I have a psychology degree. Everything looks weird on this website and not real. They just push you to pay money and cost isn't cheap at all.

Just don't understand for what. Cost is still high if you're attractive. I mean, apparently. They already got the millionaires. Why do they need the attractive people paying? Got a perfect body? Okay. Hello?

I believe this person that this stuff is fake, but also this is the first time I've ever heard a woman complaining that the men on a dating thing are fake. It's almost always the opposite that's a great point it's usually there it's usually men complaining about all these fake women all these bots like these bots and then all the everyone else they're just not they're just so shallow blah blah blah just shallow but then this is the yes this is like these guys are fake because I'm very perfect and they didn't even respond to me, which. Which actually kind of makes me think that she's right. I guess in a traditional heteronormative website like this. Very heteronormative.

That's exactly what this website is. Which is the point of the website. Right. So, yeah, you're probably right. There's no way they allow anything other than hetero relationships. I just love that she said. I can't imagine. No, I mean, all the photos in the testimonials are.

Gay couples? No. Oh. No. I thought you were, like, contradicting me. No, I'm saying yes, you're correct. Oh, you're agreeing, obviously. So, I like also that none of the guys that she liked answered, but they sent stupid winks.

That's right, I missed that i think just sending stupid winks uh but a normal guy will send a normal message i'm like i guess it sounds like mom mom would say that they just keep sending me stupid winks not that she's on a dating app but like i could totally see her complaining about she's like i have a perfect body and i'm perfect and none of these guys even okay i'm not saying all of that all i was saying is that specific part the stupid winks part the stupid winks part definitely did it's sort of like when you poked that one girl no i dry humped her oh my god it gets worse every time i ever hear it every time i hear it again i'm like I forgot how bad it was.

I always assume I've made it worse in my mind. And then you say it and I'm like, oh no, it was just as bad. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, Nora. It was an E dry hump, everybody. Don't worry. And it was an accident.

And I apologized profusely. And she said, okay, hon. She said, it's okay, hon. So this is from Lori and it is a review of Plenty of Fish. And you know, fun fact, Blaze was on Plenty of Fish. He was eating plenty of fish. Got him. I don't know what it means.

So I'm not going to react in case it means something. All that lead poisoning. Huh? He was on Plenty of Fish. She keeps looking at the camera. Huh? It makes sense if you think about it so he was on plenty of fish tell me about it yeah well so i wasn't and so when i met him in the traditional route of being at a bar with friends who introduced bar

tin roof who introduced us and i had been on tinder and something else and he's like i'm on plenty of fish i'd never heard of it and i said you were on what he's like plenty of fish and i'm like why do you keep saying that like it's a thing you you're not familiar i've never been on it but now i've heard of it but back in 2013 i was like what are you saying to me? Like I knew Bumble, I knew Tinder. I knew all like the kind of millennial ones. Yeah. Plenty of fish was a little bit like. Plenty of fish.

And I was like, what a weird fucking name. He's an older man. Yeah, he is. He's about 13 months older than me, which is like, I know our families have had a lot of hard times trying to come to terms with that. Yeah. I still call him sugar daddy. I know you do. remember when he booked you

that flight to burma that's but then found out burma doesn't exist anymore it's actually mean more so it's complete it was such a mess and then mom drove her prius into the side of the private jet and shot a man shot a man she thought that's she just took her glock onto the airplane and we were like renata you can't you can't do that we know you're you try all the time but okay anyway here's a review this is my last one this is a plenty of fish not because of you i'm sorry no this has been great these reviews i'm just i've been a disaster i am making this not it. This is from Lisa. One star.

The title is first off the free site. Isn't free. First off the free site. Isn't free. It costs me $38 for three months. I get emails every day. Someone sent a message. I go to the site empty box.

I get emails saying someone wants to meet, go to the site empty box i get emails saying someone wants to meet go to the site it says nothing here yet the few i have met are from ghana or the united kingdom begging for money then there's a countless ones that try to get you to sign up for something else sorry ghana or the united kingdom like two countries but like i mean two, okay. It just feels very different. No in between. Like why, yeah, why those two countries? Only Ghana and the UK. Maybe those were the only.

Why those two places? Because maybe those are the only two that I've actually connected with. True. And he's like, that's it. Yeah. Then there's the countless ones that try to get you to sign up for something else, claiming that it's for plenty of fish, but you have to go to a different site to sign up for it. Obviously a scam.

I've literally met one person, well, messaged one person, and then they just disappeared. In my life, I have literally dated two models. One runway model and a calendar girl. Was she on the Target calendar? My ex-wife that died. What? Okay. Oh my God.

Had a gray ass. I'm sorry. It's such a shame. What a shame. In those khakis. Oh my God. My ex-wife that died was more. Sorry.

This is insane. It's so bad. Imagine writing this on a plane. God. So, okay, two models, one runway model, and a calendar girl. But the ex-wife is not the model. Just wait. Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I want to hear about this. My ex-wife that died was more beautiful than any of them. So I know that I'm not some hideous loser the site is simply horrible don't waste your money if i had a dollar for every minute i've spent i could go to russia and find a real girl maybe she would look like trump's wife end of review what the fuck this took so many turns. That last bit was... The fact that it was a dead wife sandwich between Trump and Melania. Melania, a calendar girl, and a supermodel. The whole thing was just wild.

It's a disaster. But, like, I mean, this seems so sad. Like, I don't know. Like, I'm glad that they're like my my ex my my wife who passed away was more beautiful but like they're taking that like to put down other women and like be very i don't know it just seems very i like that they need some therapy we all do but like he even put down the two models he dated because's like, my wife was even more beautiful than those two models. Oh, yeah, yeah. But too bad she's dead.

Jesus, that's so sad. But also, why are you writing this? That's it. That's all I got. Why are you reading this? I'm just kidding. That was perfect for this challenge. I don't know.

That was a terribly perfect review. Thank you. What a great end. That's the end of my 10 pages of reviews. Oh man. Um, my head hurts already. I'm not even kidding. I genuinely, I think it's all the tannins. I hate, I'm sorry. The additives. Oh, we'll just wait till tomorrow. Um, I think I have one more thing for you. Oh dear God. Yeah. I was so excited to go get some coffee. I'm so sorry. Give me one moment please. Cause I think I have something for you.

Okay, here we go. Oh, thank God. So Gregory sent me the chat. No. And so I had typed in, write a funny story about Zandy and Christine Schieffer. That's all I wrote. Okay. But it scours the internet, apparently.

That's terrifying. Terrifying. Takes the information it finds and creates internet, apparently. That's terrifying. Terrifying. Takes the information it finds and creates a story. So are you ready? No. I'm going to leave us on this. Zandy and Christine Schieffer, the dynamic duo behind the popular, and that's why we drew you.

Sorry, Em. Sorry. Hate to break it to you this way, but the robots have decided. Bing and Google, you're're clearly not you need to get your fucking computers it's like i don't know be more astute oh my god zany and christine cheever that's hilarious the dynamic duo behind the popular and that's why we drink podcast are known for their hilarious banter and witty humor. One time, while recording an episode, they decided to play a game of Never Have I Ever to get to know each other better. Get to know each other better. Oh, no.

The game started innocently enough with questions like, never have I ever eaten escargot. Have you? Yes, I have. So have I. Yes, we would never say that. They don't know everything about us. Oh, we've. So have I. Yeah, so we would never say that. But guess what? They don't know everything about us. Oh, we've had Asgard go. But guess what? Both of us knew the other had Asgard.

It's not even right. Nice try. Nice try, computer robot. And. Wait, why do you keep saying Bing? Is this Bing? No, isn't Bing like the one that got. Microsoft search engine?

Yeah. But didn't they name it Bing? And then the search engine was like, my name is not Bing. I prefer to go by Sydney. What the fuck? That's news to me. I'm not, I'm not really into the whole Bing universe. I've been reading up on it. The Ask Jeeves one is the scariest. I've been reading up on it. What do you mean? Ask Jeeves what is the scariest? I'm kidding.

Oh, the AI. The game started in a silly enough with questions like never have I ever eaten escargot and never have I ever gone bungee jumping. But things took a hilarious turn when Christine asked the question, never have I ever seen a ghost. Zandy took a sip of his drink. Okay, I'm acting this out.

To which Christine exclaimed, you've seen a ghost? Do I have a line? Zandy replied, yeah, I seen a ghost line sandy replied yeah i told you that yeah i told you that remember remember the time we were at that time we were at that waffle haunted hotel new or habbo hotel in new christine's eyes went wide she said zandy you've never been to new that's actually true wait a second could you imagine if i like 100 believed i saw a ghost in new orleans and you had to tell me that I've never been there. Zandy, you've never been to New Orleans.

You're thinking of the movie Ghostbusters. The two of them. The famous New Orleans based movie. The two of them erupted into laughter. And the episode ended up being one of their most popular to date. Fucking better be you all. It just goes to show that even the most well-intentioned games can lead to hilariously embarrassing moments, especially when Zandy and Christine are involved. So stupid.

That was so stupid, but I loved it. That was so funny. You know that I tried to make it say sad stories about you. Okay. sooner it's just so funny you know that i tried to make it say sad stories about you okay and it was like i cannot fulfill that request because of ethical and moral principles because of what wait what did you try to get it to do to you i said write a sad story about sandy shaffer that other one you did was very happy killing me off. I know. What's wrong with this fucker? I don't know.

The golden moral reason. Zandy and Christine Schaefer. Here's another one. Zandy and Christine Schaefer, the hosts of the popular podcast, And That's Why We Drink, are known for their hilarious banter and spooky storytelling. One day, the two were recording an episode about haunted dolls when they decided to take a break

and grab some lunch. As they sat at the deli, Zandy noticed a doll sitting on the shelf. Hey, that doll looks kind of creepy, he said to Christine. Christine looked over at the doll and shrugged. Hey, it's not that bad. I've seen worse. Okay, I sound like an asshole. Zandy grinned mischievously.

I dare you to take it. I dare you to take it. And put it in your pants. And put it in your pants. Put it in your big red bag like Tinky Winky. Oh, bag. Put it in your bag. Christine's eyes widened in surprise. What? No way. I don't want to get cursed or haunted or anything like that. But Zandy was persistent and he eventually convinced Christine to sneak the doll into her bag. Better sneak it into your bag.

The two finished their lunch and headed back to the studio to finish their episode by the way love that in the middle of the episode we want to go get lunch i mean sounds right we probably should have done that today to like kind of reset after all the problems but as i started recording again christine suddenly looked panicked xandy the doll it's not in my bag anymore xandy looked around the room but there was no sign of the doll. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I think we might be in trouble.

I think we might be in trouble. The two searched high and low for the missing doll, but it was nowhere to be found. Suddenly, they heard a faint voice coming from the closet. What's it say? Hello? Hello? Can someone let me out of here? Can someone let me out of here?

It's dark, and I'm scared? It's dark and I'm scared. It's dark and I'm scared. Sandy and Christine rushed over to the closet and threw open the door. There, sitting on a pile of boxes, was the missing doll. The two breathed a sigh of relief and burst out laughing. Well, at least it's not haunted, Christine said, still giggling. From that day on, the two made a pact to never steal dolls again. But they couldn't help but chuckle at the memory of the time.

They almost got haunted by a possessed toy. We have fun. Doesn't it sound like it was haunted? Yeah, I don't understand. Why was it talking to us? Why were we so excited that it was there? Why was it talking to us were we so excited that it was there why was it like we're like oh don't worry this doll that's talking to us from the closet is just sitting there great and it it clearly escaped my bag and went into the closet and called for us anyway okay happy day happy day thank you for listening thanks everyone

talk to you next week. Bye. Bye. Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet is a Forever Dog production, hosted and produced by Zandy and Christine Schieffer. It's edited by Brian Heveron-Smith, cover art by Courtney Aventura, theme music by Mavis White, executive produced by Mariah Nicholas. Forever Dog Productions is Joe Cilio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Bullard.