Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 224: Reviews of Breastaurants

Episode Date: March 15, 2023

Christine's comedy might be legendary, but Hooters is no place for it. Follow us on TikTok! https://tiktok.com/@beachtoosandy Get your Clam Volcano pin!!! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon! https://www.patreon.com/beachtoosandy Xtine's Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/shop/hauntedtofu Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Check out our Instagram: instagram.com/beachtoosandy Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Whoa, what are you listening to this for? Wait, who's talking? You know you're driving a 2024 Ford Escape with available Alexa built-in, so you can change the music. Oh yeah, Alexa, change station to 99.2.

See? Purchase a 2024 Escape ST-Line all-wheel drive with Tech Pack at 3.49% APR for 72 months with down payment. That's just $267 bi-weekly, cash value of $40,294. Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello.

Hello. Welcome to Beachy's Annie Water to It, a podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. Thank you. What's a breastaurant? What is a breastaurant? Boy, oh boy. Yeah, that's something people were not totally sure about. I included. A breastaurant is an exploitative business practice.

Oh, cool. an exploitative business practice where restaurants use scantily clad women to peddle their really shitty food and to create an experience that makes men think that they have every right to harass women. Oh, cool. To sum it up pretty succinctly. No, but yeah. Well, no. Okay okay that's still all true but restaurants are like hooters tilted kilt twin peaks twin peaks we know way too many now

are redneck uh heaven i have a lot of reviews of redneck heaven did you say that already yep oh that's about all i know i think that's about all i know and there are a lot of like so people gave just random bikini restaurants i know you're more in that world yeah than i am no i i'm an investor yeah sure many um you invest in the food specifically just the food because you're just on a mission to make it taste a little better why do you think that hooters is now now has a vegan wing option i find it discriminatory billions i've pumped into that that's right that they didn't before you know yeah it was so sad not all men eat meat so true yeah it's an it's a long misunderstood aspect of the duality of man so is anyone still here because we're going to read reviews of restaurants um did whose suggestion was this you know was it yours no oh okay i that's all i said you know

because i was hoping you knew i don't care whose it is i just wanted to make sure it's not yours because i was gonna critique you it was not me but it was it was a patreon um liked comment so this was a a patron suggested this comment underneath one of our previous prior polls. Right, no, I understand. You understand? I do. And that patron's name, as you watch me try to pull it up as I try to find this person, happens to be Maddie. Wow.

It's so wild how you just pulled that out of the top of your head. And someone, rightfully so, not calling this person out, they said, Brustrants make me sad. Which, fair. But that was you who wrote that. That's me who felt that. Especially because I've only been one time. And it was to a Hooters.

There's a frightening number of children. I'll be honest. I will say. Oh, no. A lot of family time happens at Hooters. I'll be honest. It doesn't really faze me because I genuinely never think about it until now, I guess. But you all can decide for yourselves how you feel about this.

I mean, also Chuck E. Cheese makes me sad. So I don't know if I'm like the judge of what is. Oh, no. My computer says your battery is draining rapidly. We're not recording video. Oh, no. We haven't been recording video. No.

Thank God we didn't do anything funny yet. Thank God we haven't been funny yet. Okay. Now's the time. Say something funny. Breasts. Oh, my God. Good one.

I get you every time with that one. No. They are. It's not like these are women owned women supporting businesses these are these are businesses where these uh women are made to dress a certain way to be fair i mean some people enjoy working there i'm not saying of course and this isn't like some people enjoy working for al-qaeda it doesn't mean that i'm just saying what you think I'm going to endorse Al Qaeda. Okay.

Maybe you will, but what the fuck kind of comparison is that? Okay. Let's read reviews. The first time I've spoken today. So that's your, you always throw in these caveats. Like I've somehow created this scenario for you where you're put on the spot,

but you knew this was happening today. This episode, you knew we were recording you set up the camera i did yeah you feeling any better let me have some more iced coffee while you maybe you read a review okay this is a review from matt he him who says he's a longtime listener first time submitter and he nailed it because sorry i'm gonna lots of people are out there i've submitted 10 times and they've never read my shit but you want to know why you should send better shit or send it at the perfect time where we happen to read it why subject caught your eye no oh perfect timing no be quiet stop guessing because he sent a google

drive folder of 21 reviews. Jesus Christ. So, hello, I'm just going to have to find one. It's a game of odds. That's insane behavior. Statistical. Which is perfect for us. I'm not judging. It's exactly what I needed.

It's what we need. This is a Twin Peaks in Madison. Sorry, I just noticed you said that thing about statistical. It's funny. It's a statistical anomaly. Okay. This is of a Twin Peaks in Madison Heights, Michigan. And this is a one-star review by Wynn.

The whole China mask thing just doesn't fit the lumberjack theme. I used to love it, but I'll wait until it returns to American. I feel sorry for the poor waitresses. Companies need to stand up. End of review. Yikes. They feel sorry that these poor waitresses have to cover up their mouths. Oh, man.

I want, I, man. To be fair, it doesn't fit the theme. They didn't do any sort of like gingham? Could be a buffalo plaid. Buffalo plaid. That's what I was thinking of. Buffalo plaid. Like that damn cake you made or something.

Masks. That will. They probably were. I wouldn't be surprised. That's too bad. I didn't like the way this person put that. The phrasing was very. Oh, a China mask?

Yeah. Why? What's wrong with it? Shut up. That's terrible. But seriously, but seriously, folks, what I love is that, you know, he's like, you know, it's about time that we stand up for these women. What was it?

Yeah. Having to wear masks. Yeah. Now it's the final straw. Corporate America has taken this too far exploiting these women take it off you know how dare you make them put more clothes on this place is for taking them off do you want any more of my dollars then you'll take that buffalo plaid thing off your face oh boy oh boy is right um i'm going to read a review that Flanfo sent in.

Flanfo sent in a good number, but I'd already found a shit ton from Redneck Heaven. What's that? That's so... I'll get to that. Why would you say that and then just... I said it earlier. You didn't react, so I figured I could say it again. Yeah.

When? When I was listing different restaurants. Oh. I included Redneck Heaven. I wasn't calling anything Redneck Heaven. I thought that was a blog or something. Hmm. It probably is.

Yeah. So Redneck Heaven is just another restaurant. I really don't think. Just another restaurant. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. But it lives up to its name.

You know, that's the theming is Redneck. Right. So there were no China masks in there. No. Yeah. Yeah. But it lives up to its name. You know, that's the theming is redneck. Right. So there were no China masks in there. No. For sure not. Just a ton of Mountain Dew. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Cool. Yeah. Anyway, which sounds good to me. So I don't feel sorry for their waitress. No, of course not. So here is a review that was sent in by Flanfo. And this is of the Portland Hooters. Cool.

Yeah, it's now defunct Hooters. Yeah, I was going to say, I feel like Portland's not really the... Yeah, I've actually seen this sign. They have a Eat Now at Hooters sign with a clock that's on the side of the highway. Eat Now at Hooters. Oh, I thought you said eating out. Jesus. I thought you said eating out at Hooters. Oh, I thought you said eating out. Jesus. I thought you said eating out at Hooters.

Oh, yeah. Okay. That's a normal thing to do. That would be funny. That is kind of funny. Thank you. And Flameless says, I promise I tried to show some restraint with these reviews. I omitted the whole category of reviewers who mentioned that they were former military.

Quote, so they've been to a lot of Hooters. Wait, is that part of the training? You know, probably. Quote, so they've been to a lot of Hooters. Wait, is that part of the training? Yeah. You know, probably. If you're going to bring down Al-Qaeda, wait, hang on. That was a joke. Okay, I was like, I'm waiting, I'm ready for this next segment. It was an Al-Qaeda joke.

You made one earlier. I know. Okay. You called it Al-Qaeda. I know. So it sounded very, like, overly American and terrifying. Is that how I say it? Is that how they say it? Who?

I don't know. I don't know enough. I don't know. Okay, just go on. Okay. Anyway, here's a review. This is by Sam, one star. Girls were nice.

There was no hype, no energy. My girl ordered a shot. She said it tasted more like water. Just a super boring atmosphere. I've had more memorable moments in a library than this place. End of review. Whoa. I know.

I want to hear more about that. I want to hear about that Portland library. Yeah. Me too. Yeah, I bet wild hear about that Portland library. Yeah. Me too. Yeah, I bet some wild stuff has gone down there. Yeah. Eating out at the Portland library. Stop!

I love when people quote unquote bring their girl and then they're like, this sucked. And I'm like, well, it doesn't seem like the best date night. I mean, I know some people enjoy the wings. I was taken on a date night there by Logan. That's right. And look how well that turned out, huh? You're both with different people. I'm wondering how it turned out.

I'm sitting here like, huh? There's like that dream sequence in a cartoon. We're with different people. Well, to be fair, he brought his boyfriend along. Okay, so maybe for some. It wasn't much of a, it was more of like a situation but now they have vegan into their throuple that i was totally invited into yes yeah that's what this was all about yeah like look we can do straight things too yeah look we can look at boobies no they just

looked at me looking at not not that i was looking at that was his whole idea was he wanted to see how i would act. Well, it was an investor meeting, and you brought, like, billions of dollars, so you were going to act like the boss of the place. Very entitled. Very entitled. Very entitled to all the boobies I want. Yeah. Gross.

Here's a one-star review. This is also sent in by Matt, and it's of the same Twin Peaks in Michigan. It's a one star view by Ron. Me and my friends got cut off after two beers because my one friend laughs too loud. Didn't realize they were going for a library theme. What? I'm saying, what's going on here? Maybe these Hooters are more intellectual places than I thought.

Maybe one of the women was wearing glasses. No, that's illegal, I think. Hair up glasses? That's illegal, I'm pretty sure. Did you know one time... Never mind. You don't do that. I do it and then I realize we're on.

Anyway, remember? Oh, that's something you would have told me outside the podcast? Yeah. I really... Since when do we hold back? I feel like we talk about more than... One time, I had to file a sexual harassment claim against a workplace, and one of the things on the claim was that this man, every time I wore glasses, called me a sexy librarian.

And now you two are married. And look how it went. See? He took me to Hooters. We made up. It was all perfect. Oh, good. No, anyway.

I just can't. I can't stand him. That's not even what happened in this review, but I mean, maybe it is. I don't know. It probably did. Every single one of these Hooters, someone has said those words. A sexy librarian. I don't think, this is not a joke i

genuinely don't think you're supposed to wear glasses like that's part you mean yours that's part of the uniform i think you have very specific uh dress code they definitely used to and i think they've become a little more lax about it because of complaints about uh how how strict the managers would be about certain yeah aspects of the dress coat it's a little anyway it's a little anyway didn't realize they were going for a library theme also our waitress felt the need to give her unwarranted opinion on one of our conversations completely inappropriate by The nerve. She opened her damn mouth. Don't you hate it when your Hooters waitress talks to you about anything other than wings?

Other than wings. Or anything flirtatious. Or anything that you have expressly allowed her to say. Yeah. It's like really inappropriate in my opinion. As a man, I agree. Yeah, I knew you would. As an investor investor especially so

i will say they weren't particularly this is probably a me thing but it felt very when i was at hooters my one time at a single hooters in suburban ohio um right before going to dave and buster's well you got that medal for that on your uniform. Got the medal. Well, you were drafted as part of... You were drafted as... It was like, what uniform? I see. Well, it was part of your training. It's a military joke. You're right. You're right. I'm full of them. You're so good at military jokes. Thank you. Anyway, it didn't feel like... It felt just like a restaurant. I'm going to be honest. It was built up to be this

like reading these reviews too you'd think it's a restaurant oh my god like yeah boobs out everywhere like everyone's flirting with everyone it's like whatever it's like a american grill type place and then there's some cleavage around yeah i've never been i don't know why i'm acting like i know you just summed it up pretty well like that's it it's not like a big so he wanted this other guy before wanted pizzazz and all this nonsense and like more people expect and they more of a show they go in expecting too much yeah they go in expecting too much yeah he wanted more of like a spectacle or like a bikini barista vibe see that is so much more revealing.

Oh, right. Remember when we talked about those on the show? Yes, those coffee shops. Yeah, it's also big in the Pacific Northwest, I think. And also in like Texas, I think. Where the baristas in this drive-thru coffee shop are in their bikinis. It's a thing in Alaska, too. Wow.

I'm pretty sure because it's from a serial killer I covered, but that's a different story. Okay. Maybe that's wrong. Wait, that's wrong. It wasn't a bikini. They just have these little huts where you buy coffee. Yeah. I don't know if they're in bikinis.

Like the drive-thru espresso, like in Washington, they had those a lot. Yes. They had those in Alaska. Not that I've ever been. They had them there. They do have them there, but they're not bikini wearing as far as I know. the employees were usually, seemed to be like high schoolers. Yeah. They're very young, just... I think it's, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've heard that. It's like a team job.

Yep. Anyway, let's go on to an email from Veronica and Tyler. Tyler is Veronica's nine-year-old child who is obsessed with us. Hi, Tyler. So Veronica, she, her, Tyler, he, him. I'm sorry we're talking about the B word.

Hey, boobies? Okay. I don't know Tyler's history, but a lot of children have sucked on boobies before. That's true. You know, it's just natural. Free the nipple, you know? Free the nipple. That's what that reviewer wrote.

I'm sorry, I was reading a review from the China Mask guy. He said, free the nipple. Take off the mask. Too many clothes. Oh, no, it's so true. It's like when you agree with someone, but for the very wrong reasons. I know, right? It's like we're so close.

We're so close. We're almost the same person, basically. Yeah, it's actually shocking. So Veronica, though, started the email saying, I'm hoping that I'm correct in thinking restaurants are things like Hooters. Now that would be wild if we were calling you out on the show. I know it's like, no, but I'm reading what you wrote anyway. Um, and said, well, I apologize if it isn't because that's what I've included.

You were in fact, uh, this last one. Uh, so they sent, uh, she sent three. I'm reading the last one, which is of a Hooters in Manchester, Connecticut. Here is a one-star review. This is by Brianna, and for reasons I'm not changing names within the review, because it's funnier that way. Whoops. Yeah, privacy doesn't matter if it's no it's called

fair use look ever heard of it i am not calling this person out like there's nothing i think i'm trying to i'm on your side just say it you won't be in a sec uh here we go the one stars for the fried pickles which were tasty we came in on a Thursday for lunch. My son ordered a grilled cheese, which came burnt on one side. My husband's sandwich was the same quality of Wendy's and my wings were cold. Our server, Christine asked three times if I wanted a diet Coke, like,

okay, I'm fat. Christine, I'm eating fried freaking pickles at Hooters. Your comedy is legendary. We're totally cool with keeping away from this place. Maybe it's the food. Maybe it's Christine.

We'll never know. End of review. You know, the wildest part, we'll never know. We will never know. Because it couldn't have been because of Christine. It makes no sense. Well, I... Like, I can't imagine...

I can't imagine she was saying, do you want a Diet Coke and making it a personal attack on you? I mean, like, it's possible. It's not impossible. Like, these people are working for tips. They're not. I mean, unless this was like Dick's Last Resort or one of these places where, oh, maybe she used to work there, Christine.

Oh, and got confused. Probably works at both. Oh, my God. Just showed up thinking she was at the wrong place. Sometimes she goes to Dick's Last Resort and she's really flirtatious and puts her boobs on display. And they're like, wrong restaurant. Yeah. You got to be an asshole here.

Yeah. So she reveals her asshole and then they're like, no, no, no, not that. No. You're supposed to ask them if they want Diet Coke over and over and over again. Like that's not even that insulting. No, I don't think so. I love Diet Coke. A lot of people drink Diet Coke.

I drink Diet Coke. I was just watching a TikTok. Literally, while I was sitting here waiting for you, it was really weird timing. There was a TikTok, and I'm making some assumptions. I've never seen. I feel like I shouldn't. They seem familiar. But it was three brothers.

I believe two are gay. One is straight. they seem familiar but it was three brothers i believe two are gay one is straight and the two gay ones were talking about how they want to uh include their straight brother in activities so they brought him to and they wanted to like uh get to know him better you know it was a kind of it was a whole bit but they brought him to hooters wait you just watched this tiktok it popped up on my for you page are you making up a weird joke? I swear this isn't a bit. This is not a joke. Okay.

I just watched this. Okay. And in it, this is relevant. Well, not just for the Hooters thing. In it, one of the guys, the gay guys, orders Diet Coke at the Hooters and then like stops himself like, oh, no, no, no, I don't want to order Diet Coke. And then like it cuts to like a a little uh like a confessional type thing with the straight brother who's like yeah i think he thinks that's

just a straight drink like or a gay drink and that's why he didn't want to order it and uh i like diet coke and i'm straight so i don't really know anyway whoa i don't think that landed or made sense to you. That was so, hold on. So the gay brother was like, wait, you're not a Diet Coke. I love explaining TikToks to people. I was just about to say, I almost stopped you about five seconds in because I recently heard a comment like, the only thing more boring than people describing their dream is someone describing TikTok they watch. But then you were like, they went to Hooters and I was like, this is a little too on the nose.

No, no, it was, it was just kind of creepy how a Hooters specific one popped up. About Diet Coke. And specifically mentioning Diet Coke. Well, you know. I just thought that was interesting. I was watching Alex in her. Okay. Because it is a gay drink, right?

Apparently. Yeah. Maybe that's what she was trying to do. Gay people have good taste. She was trying to figure out if you were queer or not. Christine, the waitress. Oh. She was like, if you order this, maybe we can go on a date.

So it's like an angel shot you order if you're trouble. Oh, God, yes. Diet Coke that you order if you're gay. And want to. And you want some trouble. Whoa. Oh, sorry. Okay. Never mind. and want to and you want some trouble whoa oh sorry okay never mind this is a review of the same twin peaks in madison heights michigan this is a one-star review by Sue, a local guide.

I'm pretty sure our server was on drugs. That's a big accusation. But she was leaning on her elbows on the table to take our order? Which, by the way, isn't it? What? So she's leaning on her elbows. Yep. I'm assuming it's like cleavage out.

Oh. That's what my heart was. I don't know these moves. You gotta learn the moves. I don't have the cleavage to learn these moves. You gotta learn the moves. Okay. My first thought was, well, this looks weird. Like, head in hands.

Like, hello. Shirley Temple style. Yes. Yes, exactly. That's what I first pictured. Okay, get ready for the next line. She was leaning on her elbows on the table to take our order. Her eyes were rolling around. What the do it do it shirley temple i think it looks pretty pretty cute okay stop oh that hurts that's enough agreed she forgot dressing for the salad

no i know forgot something else apparently couldn't remember what it was. Yeah, you all forgot that one. That I forgot also, apparently. Had the cook put literally every nacho topping in a side dish when we asked for one topping on the side.

Which, by the way, is hilarious, too. It means they brought a thing of chips and then put, like, sour cream, salsa, ground, like, all in side dishes.

It's very hilarious to me. Service was awful. they don't serve frozen drinks either the food wasn't very good either end of review wow that's so sad i mean it's like the drug epidemic you know you just see people nowadays with their elbows out the accusation like of people just when people throw around the accusation of people just being on drugs without knowing what they mean it's ridiculous everyone's on drugs isn't that like an album name it should be okay i don't know um everyone's on drugs yeah it sounds like it should be an album it probably is by someone out there uh i love that by the way sue says that's a big accusation

it's like well yeah you're the one making it why are you like make why are you proud of yourself for that disclaimer or are you able to accuse someone for yeah yeah yeah are you ready for a redneck heaven oh my god i still don't have quite i mean i do have a grasp but yeah so it's defunct it no longer exists i know i know it was a chain of sports bars uh based in lewisville texas uh and so it was known for its controversial promotions southern theme and scantily clad waitresses it was a subject of an mtv reality show and it was frequently categorized as a restaurant okay uh and their slogan is restaurant bar sports mischief do you want to hear some of their controversial promotions that was my next question okay great uh this is all on wikipedia uh they ran periodic anything but clothes events where waitresses were topless except for body paint covering their breasts. In response to this, at least three different municipalities in Texas changed their laws

about what constitutes nudity, preventing body paint from being considered an opaque covering. Classifying the waitresses as partially nude would have required that redneck heaven be regulated as a sexually oriented business. Texas is ridiculous. A lot Whoa. Texas is ridiculous. A lot of the U.S. is ridiculous. This next one, I'm actually not going to read about yet because it's mentioned in a review.

Oh, good, good, good. And I think it'll be more shocking when I sprinkle the tidbit in. Got it. Oh my God, they sprinkled tidbits in? Worse. That sounds... It's worse than that, I know. Talk about scandal.

Oh no, I know. And you know what I just realized? My first review brings it up. sprinkled tidbits in worse that sounds it's worse than that i know about scan scan oh no i know and you know what i just realized my first review brings it up so we'll get right into it i remember i realized i put this first of the redneck ones i wanted to because you knew i'd be really sum up what the experience is like here great and this oh sorry this is a redneck heaven in Louisville, Texas. Imagine that. Imagine. So this is a one star by JC. I just don't get it. Is it because I have boobs or a brain?

This place was obviously targeted at those who have neither. I'm ashamed to say I've actually been here. You can add a live minnow, um the fish to any shot of alcohol no really what did i expect from a place with redneck in its name end of review not that i know like i could argue you could expect a whole laundry list of things but not put live minnows what the fuck it says minnow bombs it says in addition to the regular menu they feature two unusual items which could be considered food challenges one was a burger weighing three pounds called the bubba's tower in an hour burger challenge now that pause that's what i expected

that's fine from a redneck exactly that's like yeah bubba's burger leaning into their redneck kind of branding. And then this one is the other more controversial item was a drink called the Minnow Bomb. This drink consisted of a shot of liquor containing a live minnow. It can't be alive anymore. You just put it in tequila. Oh, it can probably live for a little bit. This is horrific. Do you eat it?

Yes. What? Down the hatch. No. Alive. Yes. What is wrong with people? I don't know. What? Down the hatch. No. Alive, yes. What is wrong with people? I don't know. That's disgusting.

Yeah. No, I know. I'm with you. How is that legal? Also, is that safe for, obviously not the minnow, but for your body? I just think it, probably not. I just think it's funny that Texas, according to Wikipedia, I mean, I don't know if anyone did any. It seemed there was nothing about them being in trouble for that.

Right. It was like it was like body paint. Oh, no. We can't have these women in body paint. Not when they're swallowing minnows. No. Yeah, true. Yeah.

I can't keep that shocking. Yeah, you're welcome. And so weird. Of all things. That. Shocking. Yeah, you're welcome. And so weird. Of all things. Why? It seems so unnecessary. Is everyone else shocked by this? I feel like I'm totally shocked by this.

And maybe I'm just scandalized too easily. I don't know. It feels like, I know they said food challenge, but it really feels like a survivor level type. No, it feels like Fear Factor. Fear Factor. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did Joe Rogan host that, too?

Yes, he did. Okay, good times. Oh, man. I remember when we just knew him from Fear Factor. I remember when we were like, oh, what a fun show. How good times were back then? What innocent beginnings he had. Wow, Alex Zinner. That's not really that innocent of a show. I know. It's pretty fucked up. What innocent beginnings he had. Yeah. Um, wow. Alexander,

that's not really that innocent of a show. I know that I was kind of being sarcastic. Okay. I couldn't tell. It didn't come across. Um, what's the minnow drink called? Minnow bomb.

I can't. Then don't Google it. You don't have to Google it and click images. But I do. You know why? Why? Because I'm mentally ill. So am I, but we don't do that here.

We don't want to make it worse. Don't look it up. I won't. I wasn't going to. I'm talking to them. Oh. Okay, this is a one-star review. This is the last one I have from Matt, I think.

That's not true. I have one more after this, I think. Okay. That's funny because I have 15 from Matt. You did all the rest. I lied, actually. This is the last one for Matt. This is a one star review by Stella of the same place.

No one came to greet us. It took a long time for us to get a waiter. Then once we ordered drinks, they were watered down. Then the manager came over with a sling on his arm, asking if everything was good. And we told him he did nothing about it. And once we ordered our food, my friend had a piece of plastic in a sandwich and my husband's food came 50 minutes after everyone else. We came from out of town to visit. We will never go back again. Huh?

End of review. There's a lot going on here. I just, like. It feels like a dream. Something about the sling on his arm got me. It feels like just a weird detail from a dream. It feels. That you'd be like, huh.

Oh, yeah. I had a dream you broke your arm. I had a person have a sling in the sling. There are no sling in that dream I had. And then I take out my dream dictionary and I look up sling and it's like, your ancestral healing is blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, wow, that makes a lot of sense. You know what people say, Christina? They tell us that it's really boring when you talk about dreams.

Please stop. Bing, bang, boom. Okay, you got me. Yeah, so I just love like the manager came over with a sling on his arm, God forbid, asking if everything was good. And it's like, clearly not. Like, I'm sorry, but I don't understand the inclusion. Yeah. I think that's such a weird thing to include.

Sounds like an active war zone. Yeah. Because you're calling it out as if it affected what happened. Very negatively. Anyway. There's shrapnel in a sandwich. Oh, well, plastic. Shrapnel.

Same thing. Pretty much. My next one is of Twin Peaks. And this one is actually not too far. This is in Westchester Township, Ohio. Oh, shout out. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

So that's where... I've never been to a Twin Peaks. I haven't been yet. Now you're going to say Westchester, Ohio. I was like, I have it on's where i've never been to a twin peaks i haven't been yet west chester i was like i have it on good authority that you have been west i have been to west chester i've never been to a twin peaks either but yeah i wonder so i so i just had some i was in columbus yesterday i had some vegan wings but it was they were like very i love tofu they were like but they were not like those shitty boneless wings that you get at wing places like buffalo wild wings and uh hooters i really want to try shitty restaurant vegan wings does that exist hooters i read that hooters was rolling it out

i don't know if that actually happened. What if we all went? I feel weird supporting these businesses. Yeah. But I also support Starbucks sometimes. I'm guilty of that, which also... Yeah, and Hobby Lobby, Al-Qaeda. Which those two are pretty much at the same level.

I know, and you donate quite a bit, equal amounts. If I recall. How does, okay. I'm not going to ask that question. You know what? TikTok already knows that you're talking about Diet Coke.

I don't think we need to go. I don't think people need to hear me ask that question. I don't, I don't need to know the answer. It was more out of curiosity. We'll talk about it when the mics are off. Let's not. Now that,

now it's worse. You just made the worse. Oh worse oh okay it makes it seem like i'm hiding something that's right we'll keep the mics on for a long time until you know we're not talking about it good yeah i think that's okay anyway here's the twin peaks review one star this is by trisha. First time going to Twin Peaks. Didn't realize it was a rustic cabin hooters. No prob. I'm secure. Wasn't impressed with the beer selection. Just the normal stuff everywhere.

Food was good. Our server was very nice. I ordered a mojito, and as soon as it came, I knew it wasn't right. I made a joke to my husband that it had one mint leaf in it i told our server that oh by the way that's hilarious i forgot to laugh but that's pretty funny oh that joke yeah sorry about the mint leaf yeah it was really funny i told our

server that it tasted like soda water and rum and nothing else not two minutes later the bartender came by to defend her crappy drink by explaining she followed the directions for ingredients. I kindly let her know there is a way to make a mojito, and that is not how they're made. She smarted off that she followed the directions and stomped over to tattle to her manager, whom I'd already requested at our table. manager whom I'd already requested at our table. Soon after the manager came by and without my side of the story offered to take care of half of our bill. I let him know I've never had a bartender come to my table. He was mortified and said that's never happened before and he would take care

of it. I don't want to make this a race thing, but I think that played in a factor in how i was treated given the state of our nation sad that had to come into play our server also apologized again which was nice but not needed as it wasn't her issue won't be back end of review oh no i don't know what the fuck we can assume this person's white right not the other way around. See, that was a vibe I got. I also don't want to assume necessarily. It's just like, okay, the state of our nation.

I don't know. I don't know. It's just the verbiage makes me think. Wow, Zandy. Yeah. Came stomping on over. It just felt like this felt, the reason I brought it was because it felt like a classic Karen review. Oh, Zandy. Yeah. Came stomping on over from... It just felt like this felt... The reason I brought it was because it felt like a classic Karen review.

Oh, absolutely. Like they tried to do everything to fix it. Yeah. I tried to find a lot of funny stuff. This just felt very Karen, you know? It felt very classic. Very classic because they literally comped half your bill. Yeah, and it wasn't enough.

And you're like, oh, you made this drink following the rules, but not the right rules. Not the rules I like, not the directions and instructions I like. I imagine the bartender would not have come over if you had just made a one-off comment. Yeah, and been like, this doesn't taste great. Like, oh, you know, I've done that a lot lately with some drinks I've had. Like, oh, it doesn't taste right. When I get, I got a Diet Coke. Not again. Yeah, I've done that a lot lately with some drinks I've had. Like, oh, it doesn't taste right. When I get a, I got a Diet Coke. Not again.

Yeah, I did. I did. I did. I did it. And guess what? It tasted crappy. It was terrible. So I sent it back.

I said, I said, bartender. Garcon. Barmaid. Barkeep. Barwench. Barwench. That's what you said. Yeah. Barwench. Bar wench. That's what you said. Yeah.

Bar wench. This drink does not quench my thirst. Yeah. That, I think, is when you got kicked out of Wendy's for good. Yeah. Yeah. It was a sad day. This is in Arkansas.

From Maddie. This is in Arkansas. What is? This review okay uh it's so she said twin peaks and hooters reviews from little rock okay this is a one-star view of twin peaks by nathan yeah i went to watch the fight hey it was ten was $10 cover, no big deal. But I got in there and wanted a beer and the waitress ignored me. I had to ask the patrons to ask the waitress for a beer. I finally got one. When it was over, mind you, there was like massive people there. Hey, I get it.

They're busy. But after all that, hey, I walked out. But then all of a sudden, they noticed me and actually tried to have me arrested. Long story short, don't go there unless you're willing to give up your soul end of review well a few times i want the long story short to be long story long i know right because what the hell just happened does he think that went by so quick does that does he think that's what happens when you get arrested giving up your soul i guess maybe a little bit where is this located you said arkansas

sounds like something they teach in arkansas schools i i don't know much about arkansas um i'm gonna judge it very harshly he's like it's the weirdest thing they finally paid attention to me when i try to steal from them it's like okay oh hey hey hey, hey, hey, hey. Long story short, they tried to arrest me. Anyway, the Twin Peaks responded and just said, hey, we care so much. They did not say hey, I'm sorry. I don't know. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, it's been in my head, I'm sorry.

They said, we'd like to connect with you to hear more about the service. So they said short story long. Yeah, short story long, Please give us a call. Anyway. All right. I have another one of that Twin Peaks in Westchester. This is a one star. This is by Harold.

I thought this place was pro military. I guess not. I had to ask four times to watch the Navy football team played only to have it turned off and then had to go ask again for them to put it back on just to turn it off again. Not a place to go watch a military football game. End of review. Damn it. I was looking for a new place to watch my military football game. Is that not the most American review you could ever read?

But too on the nose to be satirical. And it was an updated review. The original review was from a year, was from one year ago. This one was updated before and then it was updated four months ago. But the one a year ago was also one star just talking about how shitty the place is.

So it wasn't about the military. When my beautiful navy went to play i knew where to go that shitty restaurant that i hate yeah and uh it was a year ago and they were still going there six months later yeah and then finally it was like oh good new fodder for my one star review yeah i've needed a new uh a new ridiculous point of contention for my my ongoing... You know how many fucking football games are played every... Fucking college football games are played each week when college football season's happening?

Also, I don't, but... A lot. I also love the implication that they're anti-military because every time they turn on the Navy game, someone's like, who turned that on? Yeah. Put it back to the NFLfl change the channel turn it off we don't support you around here yeah we're on these parts um yeah i think that's a little wild to say they're anti-military for that reason but you know it's okay you do you here's our view of a hooters and little rock this is also from mad. It's a two-star review by Kevin. Waitresses were good,

but they had no Patron. Who lets a bar run out of Patron? Ordered the smoked wings. I own a smoker and did not see a smoke ring on them. I am usually a huge fan of Hooters, but if you ask me if I will come to this location again, my answer is no. End of review. The way people change the way they say that, they just say you're not coming back. Why do you have to make this hypothetical scenario where we're having a conversation about whether or not you'll return to Hooters? Is it me?

Exactly. The reader of the review. I'm having an existential crisis now. I think it was more of like a, if one asks me, if I'll return again, why would anyone ask you? Who gives a shit if you're going to go to that Hooters again? Hooters owner is very disappointed. They responded and said, this is not our typical style. Whatever that means.

I mean. Yeah, what does that mean? But doesn't that also seem like the most American thing? I smoke wings and my wings are way better. Yeah. Because I own a smoker. whatever that means. I mean, what does that mean? But doesn't that also seem like the most American thing? I smoke wings and my wings are way better. Yeah. Cause I own a smoker and I have Patron at home. And also saying I'm a big fan of Hooters.

That is also pretty American. I do love that. They said the waitress is not a problem. Yes. Not a one problem. I did respect those reviews at least. Sometimes they said, Oh, the service was fantastic.

They're nailing it. But everything else was shitty, which sounds about right. Yeah. I mean. There's a reason they have the waitresses there. That's what draws you in. That's kind of the whole point. They don't.

It's like a gimmick, like we talk about with Rainforest Cafe. Okay. Don't. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey. That's hey. Hey, hey. That's not just a gimmick. Okay. That's a lifestyle.

That's right. Anyway, remember that time when I got tricked into buying Patron? What? Don't sigh at me. At Hooters or what? No, at a liquor store in Washington, D.C. They told me I would like it. Who? The guy who owned the liquor store in Washington, D.C. They told me I would like it. Who?

The guy who owned the liquor store. This doesn't sound like a trick. Sounds like he made a recommendation and you just... No, he tricked me because he said it's on sale and then he wouldn't tell me how much it was. And then he added it to my bag and then he rang it up and I was too nervous to say why is it so expensive. And it was also coffee flavored Patron. Yikes. Okay.

Yeah. That's a trick. What's the trick? That is a big trick. I'm sorry. I was like, I just turned 21 and I was like, this is embarrassing. Anyway. Oh, he knew.

He knew. It was very obvious. He was like, finally got this shitty Patron out of my store. Yeah. Found the right, what do you call it when you're a mark? I was a mark. Yeah, that's right. I have another one of that Redneck Heaven in Louisville, Texas.

Okay. And this one reminds me that there's just so much misogyny, you know, in these reviews. And they use the concept of the restaurant as an excuse to be misogynistic and put women down. So I'm not going to include that part. I'm glad that you needed a reminder. But I would like to acknowledge the fact that this person was very not, it's not funny. It's just really nasty. Okay.

But. Cool. Anyway, that's all. Here we go. Wait, you're. One star. What was the point? I'm like skipping part of this review.

Oh, you are? Because it was just like not funny. It was just bad. Pure misogyny. Okay, got it. And it's like, what the fuck? Like this isn't. I thought you were telling us.

It adds nothing to the review. I thought you were letting us know that it was misogynistic I was like I think we would have figured that out No no you would have Don't worry if I had read it fully Got it Anyway here's a one star review This is by Hank

Horrible place to waste time in I really don't want to waste any more time on this place But I feel it's my duty as an American To stop you from being horrified. What? Their duty is to write this review. They're saying I want to spend

no more time on this place. But it's my duty as an American. It's my duty to continue frequenting this establishment. They're saying it's my duty to warn you, basically. No, this is my duty to warn you, basically. No, this is my duty to warn you. Understood.

My fellow Americans. Understood. I'm listening. Service. If the girls would spend less time on the Razor scooters and more time checking on my food,

maybe it wouldn't have been half frozen by the time I got it. See, that's... Everyone's like, why would you even include this review? Because apparently, this is how I found out that they're on Razor scooters. I am shocked. Isn't that incredible? That's incredible.

And also, you have to believe that that is such a huge liability. Like, those things, Razor scooters. They need ankle insurance. God, they need ankle insurance. I mean, at the leasters they need ankle insurance god they need ankle insurance i mean at the least they need ankle insurance i wow shocking i that's so funny i'm just picturing them scooting around i love how he's like it's such a waste of time out there on these scooters but like presumably they do it to like zip around and save time so it makes me just picture them like playing yeah you know rolling rolling around and having a good time, which, honestly, sounds like a delight.

Yeah. But, you know, what do I know? And there's more here. Oh, there's more! Yeah, so that was just the service section. Now here we go. Food. Horrible.

I had the sliders and they were disgusting. Couldn't finish one. Ambiance. Lives up to its name. couldn't finish one ambiance lives up to its name after about the eighth dukes of hazard horn for some drunk person drinking a shot with a minnow in it no it got pretty freaking old end of review i was really really allowing myself to believe a false narrative that no one had ever ordered such a thing yep yep and now i'm learning that in one afternoon, eight people did. Yeah. Yeah. It's not right.

It's not terrible. It's not right. And now we find out that they play the... Dukes of Hazzard. Which is the, like, isn't it like the Land of Dixie song? Yeah, it's that honking sound. Yeah. Yeah. Which, yeah.

So, this is just talking about redneck heaven. That's basically... This is terrifying. What do you call it when there's a song before a funeral? What's a song? A dirge? Yeah, it's a dirge for the minnows. Like they hear that.

What a way to go out. Right? They hear that and they're like, okay, it's my time. Like Pavlov, they have some sort of, you're saying they have like a, how do you think they react when it starts honking? I don't want to know actually i think they just start partying they just drink up that tequila and say well might as well that's so sad i know it's terrible it's terrible uh i love that when when the minnows in the drinks is like not the headline of a review i'm like wow this place is something right and i skipped over some misogyny wow well that's pretty much a given in most reviews but but yeah i am glad you

skipped that because you're right we did need to hear the razor scooter was so much more important was so important yeah we needed i needed people to understand that this place is real and i don't think so unique again i don't think i it. I think I've created this beautiful false narrative where it didn't actually exist. Yeah. It was just a figment of someone's imagination. Someone's sick, twisted imagination. If only we lived in that alternate timeline. Oh, well, at least it's closed.

Okay, so this next one is another review. I believe this is of Hooters. It's a one star. And the name is a bunch of letters, so I'm not even going to. It's by Bob. Complete. Oh, by the way. Sorry.

I know. I know. We got pretty far. I was on the edge of my seat. We got pretty far in. But I just need you to know that this is all capital letters, and then I will notify you when that changes. Oh, okay. Or maybe I'll just shift my tone.

I was going to say, I feel like we'll hear it. Complete neg stars. Nacho chicken slash brisket, horrible. Mac and cheese, got no sauce on a lot of pasta. Horrible service. Bone and plain wings are good. So in another place, I would still try this restaurant. House salad with the chili lime dressing and green dressing is good. Manager or owner lied about chili lime dressing. So when I got it, it was what? Creamy.

Complete trash garbage. End of review. Who would dare lie about chili lime dressing? When I got it, dot, dot, dot, it was what? Question mark? Creamy. Call and response kind of thing? Like, what are we doing here pretty gross and we were

we all supposed to know that that was what was said the house salad with the chili lime dressing is good and then it's a dash dash dash manager lied i'm so confused it doesn't matter it's not worth figuring out but anyway the type of food they have at these places yeah they said chili lime dressing and green dressing and neither of those sound all that appetizing just green dressing what does that mean i don't know but it's in parentheses which makes me feel not does that mean not great i feel like i've never had a green dressing oh or at least dressing that wasn't was supposed to be green or started out that way. Maybe the manager lied to you. Oh, no, probably.

It's possible. It's happened before, so I've heard. Yeah. Here's the one-star review of Redneck Heaven. Oh, boy. I went to Redneck looking for the scantily clad pretty women I was accustomed to having waiting on me previously visiting this establishment. Wow, that is, talk about intellectual. That was quite a sentence.

That was one way to put it. Woo! And I really am, I'm just not going to read that again. No, please don't. Because I haven't even finished the sentence before you interrupted me. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Don't worry.

You interrupted me at a comma. So here's what's next. Imagine my shock when I was approached by a relatively handsome bearded man requesting my beer choice. And then also served said beer by the handsome bearded man. The only problem with this is that I expected a friendly, vivacious woman that I encountered on various occasions prior to the remodel. Sadly, I found none of the waitstaff was either friendly or vivacious, although the bearded man was very friendly. And relatively handsome. Yeah, see, at least we can respect the looks, you know, he's got the looks.

Q would be a great asset on Duck Dynasty. My buddy and I were also served by a young gentleman with his ball cap tucked into the back of his Wrangler jeans. Whoa. I know, right? What is going on? They've had like Topsy Turvy night. Bruce Springsteen song. They're doing Opposite Day at Redneck Paradise.

What's it called? Redneck Heaven. Oh, close enough. What? Is there like a men's. Oh, close enough. What? Is there a men's? Like, I know. Obviously, there's like Chippendales and stuff,

but what's the men's version of this? See, I always thought Tilted Kilt was that, and then I found out it was a women's thing. So, actually, maybe I'm... No, there is one. Isn't there?

Men's Hooters. Tallywhackers. Oh, yes. I have heard of that. But apparently, that doesn't exist anymore either. Rip. Rip, rip, rip. What's the opposite of breastaurant?

Opposite. Groin-a-ra-groin-staurant? Breastaurant. Penis. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

How do I insert a penis? What about boneless wangs? Boneless wangs? Wangsop. Is it wangs? Buffalo wild wangs. They're good at that.sop. Is it wangs? Buffalo wild wangs. You're good at that. That's pretty good.

I'm just replacing the word wing with wang. No, it works. It's good. Oh my gosh. Oh, buffalo rings and wangs. That's pretty bad. That one's bad. That's a Cincinnati place, right?

It's local, right? I think it's local. I think it's local. Anyway. Not with wangs. It's wing. It's buffalo? It's local, right? I think it's local. I think it's local. Anyway. Not with wangs. It's buffalo rings and wings, not right wings. I think it's rims and wings. Buffalo rims?

Uh-oh. No, thank you. Oh, man. Here we go. So after the ball cap wrangler jeans guy, our nachos were tasty, but I feel the atmosphere could have used a little more femininity, which is the main reason we used to go to this establishment. The waitstaff has gone from very attractive to highly questionable. If you are into beards and bellies, this is a place for you. Many of the waitstaff have moved on to other venues, and I suggest you explore to find them.

End of review. Weirdly, a very helpful review for many. Well, sure. moved on to other venues and i suggest you explore to find them end of review weirdly a very like helpful review for many well sure i mean if that's why which is why most people are going to these restaurants and if you're not going to get that then yeah this would be helpful to know yeah but also somehow respectful of the fact that it's now men like not like they weren't like they were kind but can i be honest it came off it was icky creepy because yeah it was like oh i was expecting my feminine vivacious and the same woman i'm accustomed to seeing we all know she filed a restraining order right like there's no way

this person single-handedly changed their business model seriously honestly they probably gave him a different address and now he's at like a a freaking wang stop that was your joke i'm just repeating it i was gonna say he's just like at a panera he doesn't even realize like they just sent him to a different place because he's not welcome there anymore. Maybe he walked in the wrong building. I don't know. I just, he said, imagine my shock or my confusion. And I did imagine it.

And it was, I saw the light die in his eyes. Yeah. You know, he was hoping for that vivacious experience. And I'm so sorry he didn't get it. You know. Me too. It's tough out there for men so um here's a redemption oh this is my redemption but not really question mark

oh good always gotta have one of those you know uh three stars of hooters in little rock thank you maddie this is by mr nino excuse me mr minnow by Mr. Nino. Excuse me? Mr. Minnow? Oh no! Run! Get away from this place! Big Minnow heard us talking! It's the end!

Okay. Mr. Nino. Mr. Minnow says three stars. All cap end. Okay. Oh, boy. Mr. Nino. Mr. Vanessa's. Three stars. All capitals. Okay. Overpriced. Fried pickles. Not fried enough.

This visit will hold me another 30 years. End of review. What? Another 30 years? He hasn't been in 110, so it'll be 140 by the time he goes. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. So it'll hold 140 by the time he goes. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. So it'll hold him another 30 years.

And for whatever reason, maybe it's the capital letters. Maybe it's the profile picture. Maybe it's the fact that he's a local guide. But something about this tells me he's dead serious. He's really not going to go for another 30 years. And he's not being facetious. He's just marked it in his calendar. In his engagement calendar. You know.

Imagine. Imagine. Planning that far in advance. Yeah. I mean. Imagine the weird satisfaction of actually following through with that, you know? But I feel like it would feel like there would be satisfaction, then you would do it and be like, well, that wasn't as exciting as I thought it would be. Yeah.

Although by then they might be on hoverboards instead of Razor scooters. That'd be cool. So it could be kind of exciting. I hope they go back to Razor. I feel like Razor scooters are actually going to make a comeback. They're like vintage now. Yeah. Like a cool retro toy.

Yeah. So actually I think they'll be on Razor scooters again. That's just my theory. I've got one more. This is of a place called Redneck Heaven in Louisville, Texas. It's my last one. It's a one-star review. It's by Wyatt.

Not good. Waited 16 minutes to get a Diet Coke. The young lady that delivered it asked if I was okay. Are you gay? I mean, okay. I mean, gay. I mean, I'm okay. Are you gay? I mean, okay? I mean, gay? I mean, I'm sorry. Aren't you glad I brought up that TikTok?

It's just the Diet Coke. I just got confused. This is Texas, and it's redneck heaven. What do you expect me to ask? Yeah, what do you expect? Come on. You think we have Diet Coke here? Please.

I answered yes, but would like to order some food. Her reply was, food? Almost bailed out. What? She left for five minutes trying to find a pen to write down my order. But now I gotta see how long it takes to actually get my chicken sandwich. I'll let you know. Spoiler alert, Wyatt did not let us know.

It never came. Yeah, it might still be waiting. That's true. Oh, it's actually only seven years ago. So yeah, it could be still waiting. He's like Jack and the Shining. He's just kind of frozen over there waiting for his food. His food?

That's shocking. I was a little confused about the way it was. So it says, I answered yes, but would like to order some food. Her reply was, quotation mark, food, quotation mark, and then four question marks. So the question marks weren't within the quotations. Intriguing. But I don't think that the response was just food. Well, maybe it was food.

Okay, that's pretty funny, actually. It would actually be worse than food? Like, yeah. But it seemed it caught them by surprise. They had to find a pen to write the order down, you know? So I'm not sure. Maybe she's new. Maybe it's Maybelline i don't know

maybe she's like who comes to the redneck heaven for the food at this point she's like you mean a minnow right yeah oh god probably well good job zanny thank you i'm done because it's your challenge this episode right you might have more of this i don't so it's your challenge it's my challenge i can relax you can relax finally this can relax. It's about time. Finally. This is from Beck, and it was to find reviews of planners slash organizing tools where the reviewer complains that the product did not help them get organized. It's so fucking funny to me. Well, just get ready.

And also, I feel like this is something, not that you would complain about, but would happen to you. Oh, all the time. I feel like you have a lot of organizational tools and journals everywhere. And do I look like? You are not organized. Not even remotely. Well, we started using Trello.

Oh, that sounds like an ad. Sorry. But like, look what's open in another tab that I just noticed. Oh, yeah. It's a planner. Because I'm, again, I was reading all these reviews and I was like, oh, I should get a new planner. Maybe that'll help me.

Like, do I learn nothing from reading Yelp or Amazon reviews? I guess not. Guess not. This first review is of a product called Ah, the Beach. What the fuck? That's what it's called. It's called Ah, the Beach. May I ask what it is?

Can you shut up? I want to give it the proper time of day. Ah, the Beach. 2019 engagement day. Ah, the beach. 2019 engagement calendar. Ah, the beach. Okay. Ah, the beach. 2019.

Like the beach water park. Like, ah, real monsters. 2019. Oh, true. Okay. So, ah, the beach. 2019 engagement calendar. Oxenright's beautiful.

I'll show it to you. If you're looking for a 2019 planner, it has a nice little palm tree on the front What the fuck? I don't know It's like a planner Why? It says the wish you were there calendar It literally says AH comma the

And then capital B beach Exclamation Why? I don't understand It's just a plan Oh it's out of print That's too bad I wonder why You should add it to a point. Oh, it's out of print. That's too bad. I wonder why.

You should add it to a list. I should add it to my wish list and just put that on there. And then... I should add it to my baby registry from when Leona, when I was pregnant. See if anyone picks it up for me. All right. So here's a review. This is by Sean.

Three stars. Verified purchase. The title is Beautiful Pictures Tight on Space. Love seeing two months at a glance. Is there really a perfect engagement calendar? Everybody has. I don't know. If I had a nickel for every time I asked myself that question. What a stupid question.

I'm sorry. Oh, man. Is there really a perfect engagement calendar? That's a stupid question. That's a question. I'm sorry. I gotta change. Oh, man. Is there really a perfect engagement calendar? Everybody has their own desires and priorities. Mine change each week. So I love daydreaming about being at the beach. I'm still not organized, though.

End of review. Okay. I didn't really fall. I like that. That felt very, like, self-aware and not, like, I don't know self-aware not like i don't know but like i don't get it i don't know everyone has their own desires and priorities mind change each week so i love dreaming about being at the beach what are you talking about okay well anyway they're just instead of writing in their stupid planner they're journaling on amazon god you guys gotta stop journaling on Amazon. God, you guys got to stop journaling on Amazon.

Okay. This is a product called One Year to an Organized Life, colon, From Your Closets to Your Finances, comma, The Week-by-Week Guide to Getting Completely Organized for Good

by Regina Leeds. That is the most boring thing I've ever heard in my life. Well, until you hear the next three products I bring you. Oh, no. It gets worse. It gets worse. Here's a two-star review. This is by Anne Marie and it's on Goodreads. I was sick when I read this, so perhaps I didn't give it much of a chance. However, it was the same advice in a different book, but it had ducks in a row on the front cover and that is how I want my ducks. So

I bought it. I prefer to sit and read organizational books in my messy, unorganized home rather than actually getting up off my ass to do something about it. It's like reading a weight loss manual while eating Cool Ranch Doritos and chugging Dr. Pepper. The thing is, I used to be super clean and organized, and I don't know what happened to me. Do you ever feel like you used to be a better version of yourself? I think Regina Leeds has led me into some sort of existential crisis. Maybe it's just time to up my meds. Oh, and I hated how she was all just go to the container store and buy so-and-so. It's like, I just spent 17 bucks on your book, Regina Leeds, and I can't afford to go to the container store now. Although I do love the container store. There was one near my old crappy job and I would go there on my lunch and browse at all the different ways to

store stuff. But now I can't even go near my old crappy job without inducing major anxiety. End of review. And there's one comment on this review by Che and it says, you're funny. That was something. So, um. That kind of hit me hard. Yeah. Anne-Marie's having an existential crisis.

First, I've never been to the container store. What? That's not true. You went with me before. We went in LA. Yeah. I forgot that was a container store. I was like, I've taken you there.

Sorry. I was just thinking of the one here in Cincinnati. Yeah. I've never been there. I've been there just thinking of the one here in Cincinnati. Yeah. I've never been there. I've been there. We went to the one at that... Yep. That weird mall, that outdoor-ish mall thing.

Not the Grove, the one that's... Westfield. I knew it had West in the name. Okay. Something like that. But for the rest, like, damn, like, Ann Marie, I'm not one to diagnose people, but man, you sound depressed. Well, she said she should up her meds. I know.

This is what I've been dealing with a lot. And lately, like I just said, we started at Trello. I've started to organize things. I just added, I finally added a bunch of my records into my Discogs.com profile to organize those. And I only do that when I'm starting to feel better mentally. Well, yeah. And like, I'm just saying, like, that's one of the first things for me to go is just a whole, anything that involves organization.

Oh, for sure. I mean, it's because it doesn't feel like a priority when you don't feel good. You know, I mean. And so that's coming back. And I see, I feel, I feel for you., I mean. And so that's coming back. And I see, I feel for you, Anne-Marie. I feel for you too, Anne-Marie. You know, Regina was just collateral damage in all this. Yeah, I know.

I agree. Regina's doing good work. She's trying. Regina's trying. Yeah. But she's no psychiatrist. And Regina kind of makes me want to go to the container store. I don't.

I love the, let's go. I'm down. It's so cliche. And I'm such a millennial, but I go to the container store i don't i love the let's go it's so cliche and i'm such a millennial but i fucking love the container you should add that to one of the patreon polls i find it very soothing we haven't done that right yeah that's a good one well we'll see what the patrons think you better do it okay this is a product called organizing solutions for people with adhd comma second edition hyphen revised revised and updated, colon, tips and tools. By the way, this is the least already ADHD friendly thing ever.

There's like every type of punctuation you're supposed to follow. Okay. Organizing solutions for people with ADHD, second edition, revised and updated, tips and tools to help you take charge of your life and get organized by Susan Pinsky. Okay, Susan, what you got for me? One star. And this is actually a review by a user called Miss Sue. So, whatever.

Suspicious. Suspicious, indeed. Sue-spicious. Yeah, Sue-spicious, but it is one star, so. Uh-oh. Less Sue-spicious. Yeah, maybe it's, um, what's the word? Self-sabotage.

Maybe. That's more than one word, isn't it? Self-sabotage. One star, and it's called Simplistic, Judgmental, and Wasteful. Oh, yeah, this is pretty... That's pretty harsh. Never mind. I don't think this is Sue.

Never mind. It's no longer suspicious. Got this on Prime. So glad I didn't pay for it. Downloaded it because the promo blurb mentioned pack rat and prevarication. What's that? You bring this to the, I was about to say, I know you didn't, you did not Google prevarication. The fact of avoiding telling the truth or saying exactly what you think.

Example, all my attempts to question the authorities on the subject or saying exactly what you think. Example. All my attempts to question the authorities on the subject were met by prevarication. The fact of avoiding telling the truth or saying exactly what you think. It's to deviate from the truth. So, like, you're not, you're evading the truth. Yeah. You're beating around the bush. It was his prevarication that caused him to lose the election.

Yeah, right. Wow. In this society. Something I will say. Oh, sorry. This is Cambridge.org. This might, this may be the- Your source? So I'm just saying, I was making it into an American political statement, but-

Oh, right. Wasn't even American. Wink. I'm very US focused as an American. That's kind... Oh, right. Wasn't even American. Wink. I'm very US-focused as an American. That's kind of what we're known for, pretending other places in the world don't exist. That and Navy football. That and Navy football, yeehaw!

One star. Simplistic, judgmental, and wasteful. Got this on Prime. So glad I didn't pay for it. Downloaded it because a promo blurb mentioned pack rat and prevarication. There are family members on both sides who are pack rats, if not outright hoarders,

and who never get on with it. Any it. Think canned goods from over a decade ago. Does this book address that issue? Nah, not even close. Not even in the search glass or index. Thanks for nothing. One example will tell you everything you

need to know about why this book goes in the trash so that nobody else wastes time or money on it the example if you have trouble washing your dishes toss all but the one set that fits in your dishwasher so that you will have no choice but to wash them because you won't have anything else to eat on ran that by my adult daughter whose mother-in-law is a monster pack rat and prevaricator slash procrastinator. She said, good grief. She'll just eat out of the jar over the sink full of dishes

or use a paper plate. Seriously, we're supposed to pay the author for that? End of review. But you didn't pay the author for that. Fair point. Like this person didn't, supposed? No. Okay. Okay. End of review. But you didn't pay the author for that. Fair point. But you're supposed to. Supposed? No.

Okay. Okay. I. A prevaricator. A prevaricator. I'm under the impression that, or under the belief that people, people need to do different things than other people. It's like any of this advice stuff. Well, here, let me say it in a better way.

Everybody has their own desires and priorities. Mine change every week, so I love daydreaming about being at the beach. Exactly. Yeah. So, there's something for everyone. You download a free fucking thing, and you're shit-talking it. It's advice because it doesn't work for your mother-in-law, orin-law yeah she's a monster pack rat though your daughter monster pack that sounds like a villain in a video game like i don't know what that does like i mean i know what a pack rat is

but i'm a little confused why you would think that this would be for like hoarder i mean i don't really understand yeah the title is literally about organizing if you have ADHD. And like, none of that. I mean, hoarding outdated canned goods, like expired canned goods? What a specific issue to have. She's like, think canned goods from over a decade ago. I'm like, that seems like a different issue. Like a mental wellness issue.

Not just like, let's organize our prior like our life like any different thing like that's such a specific and also when she says does this book address that issue no not even in the search because it's like on kindle yeah i'm wondering like did you search like canned expired cans like did you search like uh I bet there's a general organization tip or hoarding tip or something in there. There must be. Maybe. I don't know. Even if not, like what?

You got it for free, my friend. Yeah. There's no... Also, what if your daughter did take that advice and then went to her mother-in-law's house and just threw away all her dishes? Yeah. Just to see what would happen. I mean, I get that advice.

Like it does make sense, but I agree. I would just eat it out of the container. I would eat it over the sink, would happen. I mean, I get that advice. Like, it does make sense, but I agree. I would just eat it out of the container. I would eat it over the sink, I do eat out of the container. I already do that. Yeah, I do that.

When I'm out of dishes. I mean, I do that when I'm not out of dishes. Same. I just wanted to try and sound a little bit more like a parent, but it's not true.

Don't be ridiculous. I know. Who am I kidding? Not me. Or use a paper plate. Yeah. I mean, it's, listen? Not me. Or use a paper plate. Yeah. I mean, it's, listen. Which, by the way, never mind.

I was going to say, I'm pretty sure that is an ADHD tip. Like, if you really struggle with, like, you know, if you're in a really hard place, just buy, like, a set of paper plates. And that way, at least for the month or whatever, you don't have to worry about dishes, that kind of thing. at least for the month or whatever, you don't have to worry about dishes, that kind of thing. I'm not familiar with ADHD, really. So, like, I couldn't say, but for what it's worth, it doesn't seem like this person that wrote this review is familiar either. Well, maybe more so than they think, because they did say the paper plate thing. Oh, yeah. Maybe they know more than they're letting on. Okay, here's the next one. This, I think this is actually my last review.

And then I just have a couple of things that I've just discovered along the way that I wanted to show you. Oh, dear. What does that? I hate that. I know. What does that mean? I always do that. I don't know.

Here is a product. It's called Organizing Your House, colon, the best tips and habits to cleaning and decluttering your home, comma, solution for an organized life, comma, the better ideas for useful decoration room by room by Emma Hemmond. Comma, oh. This is a one star review by Martha Verified Purchase. I have 40 plus years of collected stuff. I guess it helps putting it down on paper, but when you're paralyzed letting go of stuff, this didn't help. Maybe I need to burn down then. No worries.

End of review. What? I don't know, but I really hope that she didn't really take that actionable piece of advice. And I don't think... Maybe I need to burn it down then. No worries. That's the most alarming sign off of any review. So sudden.

Anyway, don't worry about me. Off I go. I'm just going to set my 40 plus years. Off I go. And you know. Lighter in hand. I saw, but when you're paralyzed, period. Letting go of stuff, period.

But then I looked up their whole profile and like, they're not actually paralyzed. I thought like, oh, maybe. I thought that's how it was. And then as you continued, it made it seem like they just meant like they were saying like they feel paralyzed when they need to throw things away. Right. Like I did find out she did have a surgery on her foot. So it's a little wider, her right foot than her left.

And I did find out that she does often walk to the eye doctor. So, I do know that, you know, she meant this metaphorically, basically, is what I'm trying to say. Interesting way to put it. An interesting metaphor. Yeah, interesting metaphor. I hope to God that burning down her stuff is also a metaphor. I wouldn't be so sure. that burning down her stuff is also a metaphor. I wouldn't be so sure. If not, then things are probably going not so great.

For Martha, imagine Emma Hemmon just gets a message, and it's like, I never told you to do that. Nobody told you to do that. It says useful decorations. What on earth? You're reading between the lines. Emma Hemmon told me to burn things. He told me to burn down my house okay these are some things i discovered um oh dear like along my journey okay this book is called

i swear politics is messier than my minivan that's a book i hope so okay Okay. And now. I just think like they're not wrong, I hope. But like if your minivan is messier than just politics in general, just burn it down. I was going to say we need someone with a lighter to come through. Hey, guess what? Martha knows what to do. Martha, come on down. Martha, Martha, Martha. She's going to come over with a little zippo.

So, the next one I found was called When I'm Gone. Looks like the background of a karaoke song. Yes, it does. Oh my God, it totally does. When I'm gone, colon, organize your affairs, then your loved ones won't have to period a journal for all the important information your executor will need upon your death paperback upon your death paperback uh useful that's great i i think that should be that's a great thing for people to do to organize before chris fairweather i i also accidentally hit buy now on that and i for the first time ever did not do this in incognito because i was trying to, like, keep a history in case I needed to go back.

Yeah. I just thought it would be easier. But I hit buy now. And for a minute, I thought I had purchased it. But it just took me straight to my cart. Okay. And I could remove it. Phew.

So, don't worry. I was worried. I'm still here. And then this one's called I'm God, You're Not. Also similar. I'm just telling you, it was like every phrase I was Googling was bringing up these strange titles. I'm God, the same picture, karaoke background. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is it the exact same? It like, okay, it's not. But almost. It looks like. It really does look. The color palette is very similar. I'm God, you're not. Observations on organized religion, other disguises of the ego by Lawrence Kushner.

And then this is my personal favorite. Dirty Dogs and Thirsty Thoughts 2. What? By Jennifer Luckett. Is that? Oh, yes. Okay. Yeah.

What does this have to do with anything? Oh, I just found it. Oh. While I was researching, like, I'm still not organized. I wish this helped me organize. I don't know why this one came up, but it did. And I was confused. I just love that it was Dirty Dogs and Thirsty Thoughts 2. 2, the second, the sequel. The sequel. The squeakquel. Yeah. 2, the second, the sequel. The sequel. The squeakquel.

Yeah. So anyway, that's all. Wow. Dirty Dogs and Thirsty Thoughts? Yeah. Like T-H-O-T. Oh, yeah. For everyone listening, you know.

Yeah. Which is pretty much everyone. And also, even if you were watching this as a clip on, it wouldn't help. I'm going to be reading it later. I know. Look at this. Oh, my God. So sexy.

Without Flex and his ratchet chicks, Pebbles has found happiness. Pebbles? Yeah. Sounds like a dog. Well, the other guy's name is Bullet, so. Yeah, these dirty dogs. And Bambi. Anyway.

What? Okay. These names, please. How are the reviews? The reviews look pretty good. The reviews are good, but there is one that says, one negative that says, everyone's just nasty with no self-worth. I'm surprised diseases aren't spread all around. Oh, no.

Oh, man. Anyway. I love when people project, like, reality onto... Like, why does nobody have syphilis in this book smut is that rude to call it smut I don't mean it in a rude way like erotic tales yeah and they're like this isn't realistic

and I'm like well that's do you want it to be realistic they're like dirty santa 3 dirty mall santa 3 is not realistic at all I would hope not good stuff thanks everyone for listening to our to three is not realistic at all. It's like, well, I would hope not. I would hope not, too. Anyway. Alrighty, good stuff.

Thanks, everybody, for listening. Thanks, everyone, for listening to our Brestaurant episode. Wow. What a doozy. We're about to record our next episode. Yeah, we are. Which is theme parks. I'm going to do a Brestaurant-themed theme park.

I'm going to do Redneck Heaven, the theme park. Isn't that like Pigeon Forge? Oh, yeah. Alrighty. It's already there. Pigoyne Forge. Pigoyne Forge. We just got to toss some minnows into the theme park. Isn't that like Pigeon Forge? Oh, yeah. Already. It's already there. Pigoine Forge. Pigoine Forge. We just gotta toss some minnows into the wave pool.

I bet they already have minnows down there. It's gross. Yeah. Well, don't eat minnows. Bye. Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet is a Forever Dog production, hosted and produced by Zandy and Christine Schieffer. It's edited by Brian Heveron-Smith,

cover art by Courtney Aventura, theme music by Mavis White, executive produced by Mariah Nicholas. Forever Dog Productions is Joe Cilio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Bolland.