Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 225: Reviews of Amusement Parks

Episode Date: March 22, 2023

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They can feel it. Fight together. And team it up. Or face extinction. Godzilla Kong, the new empire. Now playing only in theaters. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet. A podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. action oh god we're so bad at this yeah we're not warmed up we definitely didn't just record a full episode here i'll warm up don't worry me me me me me me me me me

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Welcome to theme parks. God damn it. Welcome to Beachy Sandy Water 2 What? Where we're reading theme park reviews today. I'm glad we don't really have to explain what a theme park is like we had to explain what restaurants were last week. Yeah. Because it means we can just dive right in. Yeah.

To the wave pool that is theme parks. It's good, right? Sometimes I just get them right in the funny bone. Oh, boy. Just break that funny bone. Oh, boy. Why don't you go ahead? I'm too busy laughing.

Okay, this is a review. All right, I think that's enough. Okay. This is a review from Francie, but not our sister. I was like, that's fun. So, well, maybe it is our, well, I don't know. It says reviews. So, she sent in reviews of probably the most famous water park in Germany. Did you know about this?

It's called Tropical Islands. I'm not familiar. I've never heard of such a thing. Me neither. I've heard of the Prater in Austria. That's not even in Germany. I'm aware of that. So this is a review by Nina.

It's a one-star review. The title is, we're starting strong today, folks. My husband lost his fingernail in the yellow water. No, stop. I'm sorry. Why would you do that to us? Yeah, Fruzzi. Why would you do that to us?

I don't blame you. I blame Christina. Don't worry. This is, here we go one star obviously yesterday was my birthday and since i haven't enjoyed this kind of things during my childhood my husband took me to there for my birthday it was such a nice beginning that i was offered a free entrance because it was my birthday we have started our day with one of the water slide and at the first round my husband lost one of his fingernails. I forgot what happened.

I'm not even kidding until like right before you read that. I was like, oh shit, here it comes. Also, I love that the first round, my husband lost his fingernails. Like how many more did you do? You know what I mean? Like if you have to specify. That's a good point. Also, like they're all upset because it's like,

I never got to do this kind of thing as a child. But, like, it sounds like you're getting the exact experience, like, the exact painful, stressful experience of a water park. It's, like, not really. It's, like, scary and, like, dangerous. Yeah. And dirty. And you wonder how this is allowed to exist. Yeah, is this legal? Question mark.

So, it sounds like you actually got the exact experience we all did. But anyway, at the first round, my husband lost one of his fingernails. We are both adults and we think that it was because of the condition of the slide. But wait, why does it matter that they're both adults? I mean, I would hope you're both adults. Sorry. Don't worry, everyone. My husband and I, this is not a child husband. I mean, I'm glad you're both adults. Sorry. Don't worry, everyone. My husband and I, this is not a child husband.

I mean, I'm glad. I don't know. It was just an odd thing. It is weird. I just noticed. We are both adults, and we think that it was because of the condition of the slide, but the management didn't give attention what we thought. My husband got assistance for bandaging the hand, but unfortunately it didn't help, and the management even didn't offer us to reach to the hospital when the paperwork was completed i could literally see the blood out of the bandage okay and when we asked for a second bandage we were told quote again and again it won't

help in the end we drove an hour to the hospital and it took six hours and a half to stop the bleeding in the end the doctor burned the finger in order to stop the bleeding. Never again. Too much. Okay, but there was a response from my owner. So this isn't the first time we've had someone have very specific expectations about what happens when, like, what... An injury occurs? Yeah, so they're saying that they expected, like, what, an employee to drive them to the hospital or something? I don't understand. Yeah, I guess so.

I don't think that's how it should go. Here's the response, because I think you're onto something. Kristoff, owner or manager, responds, Dear Nina, Thank you for your stay at Tropical Islands as well as your feedback on it. We regret to hear about your husband's accident on our water slide, and we are truly sorry if you felt you were treated the wrong way. As we take your feedback very serious, we made an internal research about the incident.

The water slide was cordoned off to check it precisely because of your accident. Our staff did not find anything which might have caused the accident of your husband. Imagine being told that, though. Like, sorry. It's not our fault your fingernail fell off. Like,

do they think he pried it off himself? I don't know. Like, I'm sorry, but. We're both adults. Like, okay,

I understand. I guess, are they saying that there's nothing they did like specifically that would cause this? It was just like a freak accident

that could happen anywhere? I guess. Like, there wasn't like a broken piece. Like my toenail broke off and fell off completely because of a blockbuster door and I'm not like blockbuster, check your door. Like, no. That's true. That was just me being a child that shouldn't have been barefoot at a blockbuster. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Great point.

Like shit happens kind of thing. Like wear your shoes to the water park is what Alexander Strang does. No, it's a fingernail. You got to wear gloves. I'm sorry. Wear gloves to the water park. Okay. Our staff did not find anything which might have caused the accident of your husband.

The paramedic at Tropical Islands provides first aid in case a guest is hurt. According to the paramedic, he asked you to go to the hospital. Unfortunately, it is not possible to organize a transport to a hospital. However, in case you are unable to go by yourself, we would gladly call the ambulance. After this research and the information we received, we need to say that our staff's handling was correct. Still, we would like to apologize for any inconvenience caused by the accident

and would be pleased to welcome you again at Tropical Islands. Best wishes, your Tropical Islands team. I kind of agree. I mean, yeah. It's kind of hard. Like, they were kind of, I don't know. I mean, it sucks for everyone. Yeah, but I mean, I'm picturing the person breaking off their fingernail

and, like, holding their finger and, like, limping. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. Like, oh, I can't get myself to the hospital. And it's like, wait, wasn't it your fingernail and like holding their finger and like limping you know what i mean oh yeah like i can't get myself to the hospital and it's like wait wasn't your fingernail shouldn't yeah wait why are you limping like why you can't drive or something your other hand's bleeding not that one yeah exactly no i'm sure this was a freak accident that's really sucked i do not wish this on anyone um but yeah I don't know the expectations people have for these businesses when it comes to medical emergencies. They have a paramedic who's there. They didn't get us to the hospital and then they said we drove an hour to the hospital.

It's like, would you rather have had the poor teenage manager drive you there? Who's supposed to drive you there? How are you supposed to get there? That would have been so much worse. Or call an ambulance. This is in Germany, right? Yeah. It's fucking free.

Yeah, I don't know. You're not going to be charged 10 grand like you would be at the beach water park if you call an ambulance. Or at the Blockbuster. True. The Blockbuster. I did not go to the hospital. We didn't do anything. I went home. We were like... I was crying, screaming, and we just went home. Yeah, you ruined my day. I didn't even get my Spice Girls movie.

And then mom kept my toenail. She still has it, I bet. You shouldn't say that out loud. I've said it a lot of times. I know, but I feel like we're going to get in trouble for that. I don't think that we're supposed to say that. Yeah, she's losing her green card for that one. She's going to lose it.

Alrighty. At least when we visit, you'll get free health care next time you chop your own toenail off. True. True. Okay. My first one, this is sent in by Lexi. She, her. So she said, when I saw that you guys were doing theme parks, I knew it was Oaks Park's time to shine.

Oaks Park's time to Shine. Oaks Park's Time to Shine. Wow. Oaks Park is an amusement park with a roller skating rink in Portland, Oregon, and was the spot growing up for birthday parties or awkward middle school group dates. Oh, fun. Which was really unfortunate for a young child incapable of roller skating or enjoying mediocre and, quite frankly, a little sketchy rides such as myself. I thought you were going to say also incapable of roller skating and dating.

Oh, me too. I relate to that for sure. That was the vibe I was expecting here when I first read it. No, they have game. Who is this? Lexi. Lexi has game. Lexi has Riz.

Sorry. Lexi has what? Never mind. I knew you wouldn't know what that is. Like we've moved on from swag. I feel like we've moved on a long time ago from that. Why don't you just mute your computer? Oh, that's smart.

That's so smart. I know. I have those moments. You have some razz. Is that what it's called? Christina, no. What? It's not.

Razz. It's not. Razzle dazzle. Stop. It's Riz. It's like having game. Like you said, no. It's not. It's not. Razzle dazzle. Stop. It's Riz. It's like having game, like you said, game. But why are you saying it like I should know Riz? Like, what is it?

It is all over the place right now. You think it's like short for something? Charisma. I get it. I'm pretty sure. Like, see, I don't like read into this stuff. I just see it on the internet a lot. I don't know.

I'm not like an internet historian, nor do I claim to be. I mean, it's too bad you told me about it. I literally just claim not to be. It's too bad you told me about it. It is really too bad. You're not wrong. Because now it's over. Now there's a new word.

Yeah. The second I learn the word, we know that it's moving. Use it around Francisca. She would be mortified. Or no, use it around mom and get her to use it around, for instance. What if I just say Raz? Oh, this is a great plan. I like that better, like Razmataz.

Razldazle. Use Razmataz. You have to use the whole thing. Jazz hands. Are you going to say jazz hands? You're going to do jazz hands? I'm just going to say it. Okay.

I got the point across, I suppose. With some Raz. Stop saying Raz. Okay. Here's a review of Oaks Park. One star. This is by Blaze. Oh.

But with a Z. Oh. Here we go. Fiance fell at bathroom that was flooded. The workers quickly put a wet floor sign up over her while she was on ground. Worst Oaks Park experience I've had there. End of review. I'm sorry, that's really funny. Isn't that hilarious? I'm so sad. That's really funny to me.

I know it's terrible, but it's really funny. It sounds like out of a teen movie where they're just... It's like a cartoon. They don't even see you there. They just put the wet floor sign over top of you and you have to crawl your way out. That's so sad. That's me on a date in middle school. My date's like, where did she go? Too bad. This is a review of oh, this is from Moss, who's a certified teen. Oh. I know. I'm scared already. Oh my god.

Certified. You know what this means? I don't. He's probably got lots of Raz. Stop. Honestly, if he's a teen. Don't talk about a teen having Raz. He probably doesn't even listen anymore because I said the word Riz wrong. This is of Paulton's Park in Romsey, UK.

You know what? What? I'm just realizing it. After you were saying Razz and stuff, I think Rizz is short for Rizmatiz. Anyway, okay, you're doing it. I think it's short for Arismatic. Arismatic? Christina, the new campaign in schools.

Get people to get kids to learn math. You know when we had, what was that? You want Riz? How about some Rizmatiz? Yeah, what was that? She was having a... He's literally gagging at this. He's choking. What was that CD-ROM? Math Blaster. I love Math Blaster. I'd play that now. You probably can. I probably can. Remember when Dad would give us the off-brand, it was called I'd play that now. You probably can. I probably can. I'm sure there's like a fine online. The off-brand, it was called like Space Math or something.

Yeah, what was that? He would get like CD-ROMs that he bought. Oh, yeah. I know. I remember. I'm telling the world. We've told them, but yeah, they remember. In China, they were loose in a binder.

And he would show up and say, I got you the Aladdin CD you wanted. And I was like, this is called Magical Carpet Ride, the CD-ROM. Peter Pan one. The Peter Pan one was I mean, off the wall bonkers. Like these things were very, very. Good times. Off brand Disney. The best. And then he'd always... But he had some real... We had You Don't Know Jack.

Like the original You Don't Know Jack on CD-ROM. We could still not get it off the computer after like two decades. That's true, though. It doesn't uninstall. But yeah. And then he would always blame us for getting viruses on the computer. And I'm like, you're buying these on the streets of Shanghai in a loose binder. And then you blame me

for putting a virus for learning arithmetic on your computer anyway here's a review of have you heard of this paulton's park nope it's in uh romsey uk and this is a one-star review by charlotte today we went to the park and was in the queue for Rabbit's sailing boat area. We saw one Paulton's Park crew, Skinny Girl, around 1230 was yelling and shouting at the children, which was very much scary for all of the children who were in the waiting area. She looked like a racist. I will not suggest any parents, if your child is sensitive, please don't take them to the park. That was so scary for the child who has sensory issues. Anyway.

Jesus, what is happening here? That started out so weird. They're words that didn't seem to go together, that were put together. You mean rabbit? The rabbit, that's what threw me. A cue for rabbit sailing boat area? What could you possibly mean? A cue for rabbit sailing boat area.

Okay, you're going to get some answers. Is it a boat shaped like a rabbit? I don't know if you'll get that many answers swan boat but it's for but it's you know yeah maybe here's a response from owner dear charlotte thank you for taking the time and trouble to leave two ratings for paulton's park, home of Peppa Pig World, under two separate accounts. Okay, you didn't tell me Peppa Pig's World was here. I wanted that to be a big reveal, a grand reveal. That is a huge reveal. We have investigated the situation described in your review using CCTV footage. There's an entire Discovery Plus or Investigation Discovery show just about security footage of solving crimes.

Oh. And I feel like this could be an episode. Yeah. Yeah. But that's too high stakes, though. I really want this. I want a CCTV show for situations like this. Oh, what they meant, this is too high stakes for that crime show.

No, no, no. The other way. The other way. Got it. This is much more your speed. This is more my speed, exactly. For sure. The drama.

It's endless. We have investigated the situation described in your oh my god it's like those parking um it's like that reality show with the parking um yeah yeah yeah like that's what it reminds me of where it's like not quite a crime show but it's made i have no idea what's called but it's something about parking lot cops. Yeah. Parking patrol. Something like that. I don't need people tweeting at us. I'm Googling it. Alright. Parking patrol TV show. Parking enforcement TV. Parking wars. Jesus Christ. Fucking wars in front of everything. Home of Peppa Pig. And by in front of I mean behind.

Okay here we go. We have investigated the situation described in your review using CCTV footage and can confirm that the member of staff at Grampy Rabbit Sailing Club. Does that answer your question? Actually, it does. Kind of, right? Yeah, it really does. Kind of. Yeah, it really does. Grampy Rabbit Sailing Club had to professionally raise her voice in order to be heard as you were allowing your child to hang out of the boat over the water during the ride cycle.

Holy shit. The staff member's professional approach was witnessed by a team leader who was at the ride at the time. apologize for any upset experienced as we hope you can appreciate the health and safety of our guests and staff is always our number one priority and our ride operators will raise their voices in order to be heard when deemed necessary especially if having to speak over the background noise of a theme park we do hope that we have been able to clarify this matter and that overall you enjoyed your visit to paulton's kind regards paul Paulton's Park. And that's so frustrating. I mean, I'm leaning towards believing the owner, the business owner here. And it's annoying that they mentioned the sensory issues of children.

Okay, I think I read that wrong. Because they basically said it would be scary for a child who has sensory issues. Okay, so that makes it even worse because they're saying that but it's their child, they're letting their child do things. Right, it's very dangerous. They're putting their own child in danger and potentially others, I don't know what the ride is like. What, Grampy Rabbit Sailing? Grampy Rabbit Sailing Club or Yacht Club. And then it's like, well, you shouldn't yell because of this.

It's like, well, maybe if there wasn't something to yell about. Yeah, that's why I read it because I was like. You got to. You got to. Sometimes you need to be yelled at, a child, like from a distance so that they aren't leaning over a boat. Just to at least stop doing a certain. Are you looking at what this ride looks like?

Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, it's a character from Peppa Pig. Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, I mean, I assumed so. Her grandpa's a rabbit? All right, I'm not going to question it.

Do not go into the sexual behaviors of the characters on Peppa Pig. I literally didn't. If I have to have that conversation one more time, I swear to God. You told me we had to stop having it, and I didn't bring it up. You're bringing it up this time for once. Kind of. You implied that you wanted to talk about it. I didn't.

My next one is also from Lexi here. This is of an event called the Multnomah County Fair, which is hosted at Oaks Park. And this is a five-star review, okay? This is by King Rats. Oh. Best place, best place in the world. Makes so many weird memes and memories.

Like cockroaches lightning on my uncle's hands. Gravitron is nice. There was teenagers on there as usual. Despacito plays all the time. Pretty annoying, but still good. Sending good vibes from Grandma Poopy. One, two, three, four, five. I really, really love this place so much.

It's my favorite place in the world. I'm not really a grandma, but I still love. End of review. not really a grandma but i still love end of review this is the kind of shit when we were little that you would just say dumb shit like this and make me so upset that i started to cry yeah because it was like nonsense my username would be the pickle guy yeah you write dumb shit and you like wouldn't stop and it would make me so upset i used to do this thing where i would just go mind-bogg, mind-boggling at her all the time. Just those two.

Constantly mind-boggling, mind-boggling. And he would do hand motions in my face. And it would like. I would make her cry with just that. It would make me cry because I would get so frustrated. Look, look, look. If you're a little brother and you find out what it takes, how little it takes. This is triggering. to make your sometimes

not very nice older sister. Some kids have sensory issues like me right now. Stop it. Okay. I'm not doing it again. I'm just trying to explain to the people why I was a bully. I bullied a bully who was bullying a bully. We just bullied each other because we were both bullies.

It's not like it was one sided. No,sided no it was it was very much back and forth but yeah i found out the way the best way is to really get under her skin and honestly they were the most ridiculous things i didn't have to do much like reading this right now it's just making me crazy you're making me so annoyed with this review um it's just one two three four five i'm not a grandma guy 69 like i don't even know what's happening i left out one word because i didn't understand like it was capital lao and before teens and i didn't understand so i just left it out yeah but other than that i read every single bit oh my god um their description on their profile is i'm the king of the sewers, king rats.

I love writing reviews for places all the time about my real life experiences and more. Some, wait, and more some. Apparently they mentioned candy four times in their reviews. This is you as a child. What's happening? Whoa, what are you listening to this for wait who's talking you know you're driving a 2024 ford escape with available alexa built in so you can change the music oh yeah alexa change station to 99.2 see purchase a 2024 escape st line all-wheel drive with tech pack at 3.49 apr for 72 months with down payment. That's just

$267 bi-weekly. Cash value of $40,294. Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. All right, so Lauren wrote in and said, I've held onto the memory of almost drowning in the ball pit at Idlewild Park as a child in the 80s. Thankfully, my uncle jumped in and saved me and I live to tell the tale. It sounds very scary. That does. So this is of Idlewild and Soak Zone, which is near Pittsburgh.

And the title of this review is Don't Go in the Ball Pit. And it's not from the 80s. It's from 2014. One star. My daughter had her 11 year old birthday party at this park last October. They never clean out the ball pit area apparently. It smells like dirty feet and dirty diapers. It's disgusting. I also heard that snakes get in there at night from the local creek. I don't know how how true that is but it wouldn't surprise me at all disgusting take care of your park and take pride in it three people have thanked mitch in 603 in the ball pit they're saying snakes get in the ball pit yeah that is the most like child like middle school rumor also that i've ever heard. For what? For what? Only at night? For what?

To party? To eat the diapers? What do you mean they get in there at night? Do they send the teen employees in to wrangle all the snakes every day? Well, there's a response from owner. Jeff, public relations manager, has this to say.

Leave the snakes alone. They're paying customers. They're paying customers. What if that's their newfangled cleaning system? They just, wow, they're exploiting these snakes? Yeah. Well, it's like a full circle, like how when there's a bacteria or when there's a bird that sits on a hog and eats the bugs. On a hog, yeah.

It's like that. Yeah. I know what you're trying to say. The snakes clean the ball pit. You know, it's unfortunate sometimes when we're just not smart. Yeah. And can't come up with the word for this. Same.

Give and take relationship. Sympathetic. Symbiotic. Symbiotic relationship. Hello, Mitch. Thank you for your feedback. I assure you the balls in the Bubbling Springs ball pit are cleaned on a regular basis.

You can see the ball pit cleaner when you stand at the entrance to get into the ball pit. And it's a giant snake. Oh, wait. And we have multiple cleaning times built into each weekly schedule when the balls are cleaned after Jumpin' Jungle closes. As you probably know, shoes are removed before going into the ball pit. Therefore, if the members of your party smelled foot odor, it could have been from any number of people who had walked around the park that day and then took their shoes off to go into the ball pit.

Thank you for acknowledging that you, quote, don't know how true the snake story is. In the 21 years that I have worked at Idlewild, there has never been a case when a snake has been found in the ball pit. It is an urban legend that we hear every few years when people choose to just cite stories instead of facts. Once again,

thank you, and we look forward to entertaining your family again in the future. End of response. So facts don't care about your feelings about snakes. That's what I always say. That's right. I'm glad that Jeff could set the record straight. I'm sorry that it was even necessary. Can I be honest, though?

He didn't cite any official source. Like, what if he's making up stories? Christina, this is a first-hand account. He's a public relations manager. Don't you think he's biased this is first party story this is yes actually he is biased you're right you're not wrong you're not wrong about that i'm just saying yeah um i did not like the amount of time that was spent discussing where foot odor comes from i don't think that was necessary. This whole tale, why couldn't you have just said, shoes are not allowed in the ball pit

and foot odor is a thing? That's the thing. It's sort of like, they've been walking around all day. Like, gross. Well, we know. Like, I know where foot odor comes from. Why are we thinking so hard about where foot odor comes from? And honestly, you could have just said, I thought this is where it was going.

I thought Jeff was going to say that if members of your party smelled foot odor, it's probably from their own damn feet. Whoever smelled it dealt it. That's what they say about it. So anyway. So true. Your turn. Okay. This is from Germ, good old Germ, who said, saw the theme park and was curious about some of our theme parks and came across this very concerning review of Aussie World. I'd really love to know the context here. Blah, blah, blah. I'm not going to spoil anything,

but agreed, Jerm. I agree with you. I'm sure everyone else will. P.S. I hope Xteen has been made aware that she didn't make up the whole goon on a clothesline thing and that... Goon of fortune. Goon of fortune very much does exist. I thought of it later.

I was like, there's a name for it. So, Jerm and I had a little back and forth on the Discord about it because Jerm, like, brought it up and was like, hey, this is, like, legit. But I want to read you the sentence that Jerm posted. You get multiple goon bags and peg them to the Hills Hoist clothesline and then spin it. And if a bag lands in front of you, you drink from it. You get multiple goon bags and peg them to the hill's hoist clothesline and then spin it. And if a bag lands in front of you, you drink from it. Right. And I'm like, that is the most Australian thing. I guess I understand what was happening.

And yet it sounded very foreign. You just couldn't rationalize. I will say. Multiple goon bags, peg them to the hill's hoist clothesline. Yeah. Who talks like that? Australians, apparently. Well, the only thing that would make it more Australian is if a snake got involved.

You know what? That's so true. Or a big spider. Combined our reviews and just made it into a mega review. Slap the bag in the ball pit. Yeah, with snakes. Slap the snake with a bag. No, don't slap a snake.

No, don't do that. Be nice to the snakes. But then, he said, Goon of Fortune is definitely one of our better unconventional drinking methods. Better than a Shoei, that's for sure. Oh, God. And I said, oh, yes, a Shoei, a thing I know so much about. And then I said, parentheses, is it just drinking out of a shoe tell me that's what it is it is but it's specifically drinking out of the shoe that

you've been wearing which you then put back on this is getting more and more like my review about the ball pit yeah um gross yeah and then someone said very i I'm with them, Monkey Seas said, you put it back on afterwards? That's heinous. And then Germ said, well, you're not going to walk around with only one shoe on. That would be ridiculous. Damn it, Germ. Maybe I will. That would be ridiculous.

After he hugs in or won't. Because after he cut his toenail off in a blockbuster, he's never really gone barefoot again. But then Kristen said, barefoot it is. And I was feeling funny, but I didn't post this. But I was like, like the wine barefoot. That's hilarious. Yeah. I'm glad you got to say it on this platform instead.

I'm glad I didn't say it. This was my testing ground. I should have tested it on Discord. That's why I was wondering why you waited for such a big audience to make it. What do you mean? We have millions of people in that Discord. Right. Yeah. That's why I was wondering why you waited for such a big audience What do you mean? We have millions of people in that Discord Here is Here is that review anyway Of Aussie World that Germ had sent in

This is a one star review Rip off Saw a dead body there But that did not worry me But the cost of the food there did What are they putting in it? 24 karat gold? I did not know gold tasted burnt and raw at the same time.

End of review. Whoa. The most important part of this review is that they spelled carrot like the vegetable. Why did I know that? You just knew it. You could tell. Yeah, so like Jerm said, the context would be very nice here. About the dead body.

About the food. Not the carrot. Oh. Not the food. Oh, you want context about the body. I wanted more context about what the food was, why it was burnt, what they were eating. True. I am pretty hungry.

Yeah, much like this reviewer. It doesn't faze me. The dead body? Yeah. That's troubling. I know. Maybe body yeah that's that's that's troubling i know maybe we should work on that i'm just kidding um as you know i saw a dead body in an airport and i've not recovered since so i think i i probably wouldn't handle it well um but maybe this is what i would do maybe i would is this handling it well maybe that's the thing that's

what i'm saying maybe he's dissociating yeah true and focusing. And focusing on. He's like, I'm not worried about the body. I haven't thought about the body once. I haven't slept in eight days, but it has nothing to do with the body. Oh, no. It's because I ate all that burnt gold. True. Wow. That'll keep you up.

That's what I hear, at least. I don't eat gold, but. Well, you eat gold leaf mostly on most of your foods. I am vegan. I love my leaves. Yeah, I know. I mean, you make me put it on your food when you. I am vegan. I love my leaves. Yeah, I know. I mean, you make me put it on your food when you come over. It's really annoying.

This is a one-star review by Jay. It was sent in by Sarah, she, her, who is a new patron. And yay. Sorry. For now. It sounded sarcastic, but I didn't mean it that way. That was really sarcastic. Yay!

Is that better? Oh, my God. I'm so happy to have you in our patron. Stop it. Is that better? No. I'm sorry. I am. I am have you in our Patreon Stop it Is that better? No I'm sorry, I am, I am I love our patrons

They know that So, it's a review of a place called Canada's Wonderland Sounds lovely Well, Jay did not like it And he says, one star The worst, worst, worst, worst experience, situation ever, ever ever jesus i don't even want to give them one star today december 30th 2022 we got stuck in thunder running for 20 minutes without any help with a raining situation omg nobody came until i took action to find someone

nobody came and explained as a result I was banned for at least a year because of protecting my child from harm. I certainly don't regret my action. I don't mind that I'm not going to Wonderland forever. I just want to protect my child from danger. Many parents said thanks to me when they passed through me, though. Are you a ghost? I think they got electrocuted by it.

What is happening? Lightning? I'm not sure. I don't want to put my child in danger again. They had to do something right away or make an announcement right away. Explain to customers what's going on. I'd like you to explain to me what is going on. Yeah, please, please, please.

Because we're halfway through and I have no idea what's happening except a raining situation. That is how Canada's Wonderland makes the customer come down. The security, whose name is Nick, treats me like a criminal. OMG. They have to learn how to talk to people nicely. I was with my son and two friends. It was raining and I was going to hand over the kids to my wife.

So I told the security, just wait for a second. My wife is coming. But security Nick said that I don't care what you're saying. the kids to my wife, so I told the security, just wait for a second, my wife is coming, but security Nick said that I don't care what you're saying, just keep walking and get out. Horrible response from someone in my life. It was raining, man! And with kids? Could we stay a little bit longer inside until my wife came so we could not get soaking wet again? We'd been under the rain over 30 minutes. There is no more Canada's Wonderland in my life ever, ever, and ever. Nick, you should learn how to talk to upset customers nicely. That wasn't it. This is the funny part right here. So it was raining. I don't know if

you caught that yet. Yeah, I think I heard. Wait, don't tell me there are kids there. So it was raining. The security told me to leave right away with my car, but my family was still inside. So I asked, where should I pick them up? They said, if you want to pick them up, go out of the parking lot and then pay $25 again and pick up wherever they want. Are you joking? So which means even if I'm banned, if I spend my money, I can come in at least a parking lot? What kind of policy is this? So annoying. What poor system and uneducated people. I'll

never go back to Canada's wonder, question mark, land. For my kids' safety. End of review. What? I didn't really give it the oomph it deserved, but the nick that they wrote has a... I They just wrote Nick. I think you did a great job with the Nick because it was so out of place. Yeah, this one, right in the middle, just kind of screaming to the heavens. To the heavens, indeed.

As Sarah said. Holy cow. Yeah. That was a lot. That was something. I don't know what happened except that they were running in the rain for 30 minutes. I mean, I don't know what happened except that they were running in the rain for 30 minutes. I mean, I don't know. Like, I've only been to Canada a couple times, but December 30th in the northern climate.

I mean, I don't, not to judge you, but why are you there? It's cold. Why are they open? Why are they, I mean, I don't know. I mean, maybe they have a winter wonderland. Maybe. Maybe. You know?

Anyway, I don't know. There's a raining situation. Nick treated him like a criminal. Anyway, that's all. It's pretty cool. I feel like that's not all. You know, I think we're missing things. I think that's all.

But I, hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Okay, I have one more review. Great. This is by Claire. This is not by Claire. This is sent in by Claire.

She, her. Who sent a review in of Hershey Park. Oh. In Pennsylvania. Hershey liked the candy. Never been. It's going to be very obvious in a sec. This is a wants to review by Hilton Goldmember.

Okay. What a weird title to have. I mean, like, I'm going to put like Hertz Plus member as my username. Yeah. Literally, their profile picture is like their Hilton Gold card. That's so really weird. Their card? I don't know.

Does it have the number on it? I can't. Wouldn't that be funny? It's just something VIP maybe? It's like hard to read, but I don't think. They must be very proud. I think it does have a number. It ends in 333. Are you serious? Yeah, it's hard to tell though. Maybe that's what they do. So Claire sent a screenshot so I can't really see the full quality. What? Claire sent a screenshot of the review so I can't like click the person's profile. Okay. Imagine this is

the plot. This is the They want other people to use it to give them points. Now they're going VIP. Yeah. Interesting. Cool. Like using 867-5309 at the grocery store. Is that a thing? Yeah, go to a grocery store, and if it's a grocery store you don't have a number for, like you don't have an account, just put in 8 6 7 5 3 0 9, and most likely someone signed up with that number.

Now, do you use the local area code? I don't know. Maybe not. No, I think that... Hmm. Because you need 10 digits at a Kroger anyway. Yeah, maybe just do your own area code. Maybe do 1-800. No, okay.

You know what? Maybe not that one. All right. But yeah. You know, I figured it out, y'all. I don't think the machine's going to freak out at you and be upset if it's not a correct number. I do, but we'll see. Let us know what happens.

One star. This is of Hershey Park by Hilton Goldmember. I hate candy. This place is like hell on earth. Everywhere I turned, I saw dancing M&Ms and Reese's Pieces like spawn of Satan himself. The smell of candy and chocolate is everywhere.

I hate candy. And I got stuck on a roller coaster where the restraint smashed my man parts like a nutcracker. Took like 15 minutes to unlatch me from the torture device. I will not be back. I hate candy. And my manhood was subjected to physical torture.

End of review. Who took this person there? Maybe they got Hilton reward points. Got a free trip. Oh my God. What's wrong with you? You can hate candy, but like, go home. Like, why are you bitching about?

I don't. It's not helpful to anybody. No. Okay. Have we had, when was the last time we had a helpful review? It happens maybe once a week. I don't know, the raining situation really taught me a lot. I learned absolutely nothing from anything you've brought to the table today. Hey, okay. Hey, that's our show. That's fine.

Today's not an educational episode. That's fine. Maybe it will be. So far, you're right. It's not too late to turn things around. This is another review of Canada's Wonderland. It's a one-star review by Lee. Would have been great if it weren't for the fact that I got scammed with their all-day dink pass. Excuse me. This pass says I can dink all day long. Why won't you let me dink? Oh my god, it's so stupid.

I just couldn't get over it. All-day dink pass. What does that mean? Okay, nope. Let me guess, you're not going to teach us. It's not going to be educational. I will, actually. Are you serious? Yeah. If it weren't for the way that're not going to teach us. It's not going to be educational. I will, actually. Are you serious?

Yeah. If it weren't for the way they get scammed with their all-day dink pass when no place that has signage for it is open. And they even had half their stuff open. Only really good for just the rides. Don't buy the drink pass without checking in with guest services because they won't refund you even if their own staff can't point you in any direction to even one place that honors it. Did you get it?

Not really. The drink pass. It still didn't. I don't know why I didn't click. Because it's such a different word. It just doesn't compute. The game Dinkum that I love. Yeah.

I was thinking of like double income, no kids. And I was like. Oh, another love. Yeah. I was thinking of like double income, no kids. And I was like. Oh, another thing. True. I was like, well, that's not fair that they give you that because you get a deal because you have double income, no kids. I mean, maybe that's fair. I don't know. I just, I'm like, man.

They're like, keep the kids away from our park. They're menaces. Yeah, you get a special pass. But yeah, it's a drink pass. That's funny. Boring! No, that was funny though. Make it a dink pass. I really enjoyed that. I really enjoyed thinking that a dink pass. That brief moment where I thought a dink pass was a real thing at Canada's Wonderland, I was so excited. I was so happy that you didn't catch on right away. I was very happy. I didn't catch on

at all until you really forced me to okay so you're done with your theme okay this is from christiana and christiana says this isn't quite a review more so someone's unsolicited opinion of a disney ride but it's uh right up your guy's alley so this is a comment on Facebook with this angry Mickey Mouse gif, and it's commenting about how unhappy they are with the changes at Disney. I'm gonna say that this was written by Harold. I know this attraction really well, and you guys just changed it. Disney, what the inferno. Now don't comment on me and be like, but they're finally adding something new to an old attraction.

We've been waiting for a new song to be added for two whole decades to see them add something new. Are you happy? My answer is no. I'm not happy now. I need to get a few things off my chest. One. Please. I don't like Coco. It's a Book of off my chest. One. Please. I don't like Coco.

It's a Book of Life ripoff. Two. I love Mickey's PhilharMagic for just the way it is. Three. They should have added something from Disney's other films like Tangled, Frozen, Mary. Frozen Mary? Oh, oh my God. There's no commas.

Like Tangled, Frozen, Mary Poppins, or a different Pixar film like Toy Story are up. So in conclusion, Disney would have added something different to PhilharMagic instead of this. Go ahead and put your angry faces on me. I don't care. Thanks a lot, Disney. I hope you're proud of yourselves because I am not entering the PhilharMagic ever again. Good day to you, sir. Jesus. End of review. you, sir. Jesus.

End of review. Okay, okay. So their problem was with just Coco. Yeah, I think they added. Is that the only problem they have? They added a new song to the ride. And that's their issue. And it was.

Because it's from Coco. Yeah. And not Tangled. The movies that they mentioned. Frozen Mary? Frozen Mary. It was Tangled, Mary Poppins, and Frozen are the ones that they like. And the one they don't like is Coco.

That's a red flag. That's a red flag. I was half expecting there also to be complaints about Encanto and Princess and the Frog. Oh, yeah. No Princess and the Frog. Although this did change in 2021, so I don't think Encanto is out yet. I haven't seen Coco or Encanto or Princess and the Frog. Are you serious? Which maybe that's a red flag.

It is a red flag. But I also, it's not like I'm skipping those and watching other ones. I just haven't watched any of the newer ones. You watch Mary Poppins every night. Stop. Don't tell people that. You watch Frozen Mary every night. Those penguins. I can't help it, Frozen Mary. Can't believe I saw this. Okay, Tangled is still one of my favorites. I love Tangled. That was really

good. I'm not trying to say the qualities. I'm very suspicious of anyone who's complaining on Facebook about them adding something from Coco and wishing for more of these very... I don't know. Listen. Hey, I'm suspicious of this person. That's all. Yeah, well, I don't know what to tell you. I hear great things about Coco. Yeah, well, maybe you should watch it. That's all. Yeah. Well, I don't know what to tell you. I hear great things about Coco.

Yeah. Well, maybe you should watch it. I've heard the music. It's great. So I don't know what the problem is. They added Un Poco Loco to the ride. There's the problem. In my America.

I think it's in Disneyland Paris. Wait, what? Really? Yeah. Well, I don't know. It doesn't say, but apparently... It's found at several Disney theme parks. Sorry, sorry, sorry. You're right.

I was like, there's no way this person is French. It just said it was also in Disneyland Paris. Like, the way all that was worded was just like... Imagine the day they find out there's also... I have a very clear image of what this person is, and it's not someone who's going to Disneyland Paris. A Parisian... Yeah. Whoa, cool.

No, get off. I looked at her computer. She's literally shopping. It's called, oh, my God. What is that? Big candles here. Yeah, your candelabra. No, your candlestick.

My big candles here. Lumiere. Mickey's PhilharMagic Warm Apple Pie Fragrance Room Spray Bottle. Be our guest, Disney Fragrance Magic Kingdom Fragrance. Oh. Oh, my God. It smells like warm apple pie fragrance room spray bottle. Be our guest Disney fragrance magic kingdom fragrance. Oh. Oh, my God. It smells like warm apple pie. That does sound good.

I want some apple pie. To be enjoyed as body spray, linen spray, car spray, or room spray. Okay. Or mouth spray. No. I said that. Not that. Do not put it in your mouth.

Anyway. They have a lot of different scents. This is cool. Okay. I'm so glad you found this. Me too. So here's another one. This is from Sherston, who uses ze, zem, or she, her pronouns.

And these are two reviews back to back. I think these are my last ones. Yeah. They're two reviews back to back. There's a negative and a redemption. And it's in one screenshot. So they were like left side by side by two different people. Okay.

Two different reviewers. Here's the first one. Negative review. One star by Rebecca. Two years ago. Disney is not what it used to be. Dirty. Oh, so disgustingly dirty.

I've used gas station bathrooms cleaner than the ones at the Magic Kingdom. Unfriendly and most rude cast members who never smile and would rather talk to each other than the guests. I'm a pass holder this year, so I'm speaking for multiple visits. They are all the same. Today in a crowded part of the park by Thunder Mountain Railroad, a young couple were having sex. Not quietly, I might add. Children walking around. What happened to this being a family park?

What has happened to you, Disney? I won't be renewing my passes, but I have a feeling you won't care. If I could cancel them now, I would, but Disney doesn't allow that. And here's a five-star review written five years ago by danny um sorry i know there's the first of all picturing this five-star review being like plenty of places to have sex it's great since it's back to back you know um this five-star review says sorry love it had sex here no i'm sorry so you know i swear i wasn't trying to like get ahead of it. You wanted to really go straight into it. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I interrupted.

Listen. I just think that was funny. I was like, I was trying to be funny about something. Yeah, you were. I'm sorry. That's okay. But I also was trying to say that that first review was the most ridiculous thing ever, and I felt weird just moving on. Well, I wasn't moving on. I was kind of

adding to the story. Yeah, no, I know. I know. I know. That's my fault. It's okay. Why is it weird? I don't know. I was just at Disney and not that I go there that often. It was my first time since I was a toddler. Not even a toddler. I had a toddler. Yeah, I was a toddler. And it was magical. And I think it still was. And I don't know.

Because it's so forced magical, you know? Well, yeah. I can't imagine. The bathrooms being worse than a gas station? No way. They literally would not stand for that. Disney's so intense. They're so scary.

But I'm not saying magical as in it's like the most it's so beautiful oh it's great it's like it's so it has to be they like force that it's formulaic it's very i mean i literally sell the warm apple pie spray that they use to like enhance your senses while you're waiting like it should like that yeah place is insane like it is the most insane insanely curated place i have ever been to in my life and i don't think i'll ever been to be go to a place that's that intensely managed i haven't been since i was three either i had a blast i want to go but i also didn't have sex there. Okay, good. Okay, I feel like we're all hoping you would clarify. I know everyone was waiting for that. We wanted you to clarify just in case.

They see my personality and who I am and they're like, yeah, that's exactly what he did at Disney. To be fair, you literally called the five-star view before I read it. Like you knew what it said before I read it. I'm so sorry. I'm just glad that you clarified. But yeah, I don't know when they say, what happened to you, Disney? It's sort of like, well, they used to be a lot more racist and anti-Semitic. So when you say, what happened to you?

It's not a good look. It's like saying, oh, I wish we were still in the 1950s because things were so much easier and better. And it's like, you're showing your... Same with that other one of like how could you include coco like as if frozen was that long you know like these movies are all fairly recent and like being upset that they include coco but also wanting frozen and tangled in there like it's not like those are from the golden age of disney like they're fairly recent they're just great movies that are part of Disney. I don't know. I maybe understand it a little bit more. I mean, it would still be very

a lot of red flags if they were like, oh, Mary Poppins and then two other equivalently, equally old movies. But instead they're bringing in fairly recent ones. Cheaper by the dozen. Why don't they put that on display? Sounds great. Is that even Disney? I don't know anymore. I had to read that in ninth grade.

Disney's a very good thing. Everything and everywhere. Do you remember that book? No, I don't remember reading the book. It was so weird. I remember like the Steve Martin version of the movie too. Wasn't Hilary Duff in that? Yeah.

Apparently they made a 2022 version by Disney. I told you. No way. Oh, with Zach Braff. I remember seeing the billboards in LA. Well, it has a full. Isn't it a show? Oh, maybe it's a show.

Maybe it wasn't though. I could be wrong. 4.5 out of 10. Wow. That's rough. Anyway. Anyway. Your turn.

I'm done with my reviews. Yay. Alrighty. Alrighty. Well, it's. I'm done with my reviews. Yay. Alrighty. Well, it's time for me to do my challenge. I was sent in by Jennifer. Okay. Are you ready? Yeah.

This challenge is to find reviews where someone quotes an obscure or old movie slash book slash song, et cetera. Oh, like cheaper by the dozen. See, but in my view, when I was looking for things, see, I had trouble only because, okay, a few things. I'll be pretty quick about this. So when I was searching, people would say it reminds them of like the same movie over and over again.

They would, for example, they would review a hotel and say, it reminds me of The Shining. They would say that so many times and the problem is the way i searched for it i could i didn't want to like search for random obscure movies because i don't if they're obscure i most likely don't know right to look for them kind of a catch-22 because if you're searching for it then you know it so i used a lot of vague terms yeah but the problem was you know what another problem was this was actually true for both the song and the show uh but the show cheers apparently people just don't know what the

fuck it's called what so many people were like reminds me of that place where everyone knows your name wait like that that show about that place where everyone knows your name. Wait, what? Like, that show about that place where everyone knows your name. I've never seen that show, and even I know what it's called. And they were like, it reminds me of that song, and then quote, where everybody knows your name. And I'm like, yeah, okay. Okay, that's one weird way to phrase that. So that was all over the place.

So that's not obscure enough in my eyes. I love how they feel like it's obscure because they don't even know the name of it. No, exactly. So I guess I could have included it as like, well, these people think it's obscure. But no, I tried to find ones that were. But also I'm going to maybe upset some people because they're going to be like, how could you call that obscure? Yeah, but then they can feel like they're kind of hipster and like have niche interests. True.

I don't know. True. We'll see. We'll see how this goes. We'll see how they take it. But first, Jennifer. But first. Because you're taking it but first, whether they like it or not.

No, that's not true. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. That is not what we meant. That's not. I meant like you're sliding down the slide, but first.

Oh, okay. Let's just leave it at that. How do you do that? I don't know! Ask them! Backwards? Like, while, like, leaning forward? You know what I mean? Like,

like you're trying to touch your toes, but you're going backwards, yeah. I was just trying to explain to them, those who They get it. don't have our footage that we don't release. They get it. I hope they better. Here is a review by Wilhelmina.

Oh my god. Sorry. It's like a real name. Not when you go, uh. No, Wilhelmina. Oh my god. It's actually the most popular name in St. Paul, Minnesota in 1981.

That's what this review. 1981. It's a true fact. It is. Anyway, this is of a Dunkin' Donuts. Okay. A Dunkin' in St. Paul, Minnesota. Wilhelmina has this to say.

One star. To quote Rosa Moline as portrayed by Betty Davis, what a dump. What? This is the exact... Was this sent in or was this... Well, this is what inspired the challenge.

Jennifer included this. Sent this in. And then said this would be a fun challenge. Like primo. Like what the hell are you talking about? Because she said, maybe it's just me, but I've definitely never heard of Rosa Moline or the movie it's from, which is Beyond the Forest from 1949. I mean. Like Betty Davis, obviously very famous.

You know, I'm familiar with Betty Davis. I can't. At one point, maybe this movie was popular. I mean, yeah. How many reviews does it have on IMDb? I know that's not the best judge, but that's how I was doing. I was kind of thinking about it. 2.6K.

That is perfectly obscure. Pretty niche. That is niche. It's pretty niche. Who directed it? King Vidor. You know. Oh, look at this cool trailer with a poor boy behind a prison cell.

Oh, my gosh. Yeah. King Vidor. Like, this music is what I pictured when you were doing this challenge. Yeah. Oh, dear. Oh, what a weekend. Oh, cinema. Oh, cinema.

Oh, cinema. Don't you love portrayals of parents and children punching each other? Yeah. That's a good old days. Good old days, yeah. This is like when I wish Disney would go back to the... Like, why don't they put some King Vidor footage in the Mickey's Feel Her Magic ride? Magic Harmony? Yeah, because I feel like,

I don't know. I feel like it would really bring us back to the good old days. I love the good old days. Oh, oh my gosh. The poster for this movie, Beyond the Forest, says nobody's as good

as Betty Davis when she's bad. Now that is a quote I could, why don't you quote that, people? That's a much better quote. Well, that was just the first sentence of many. Okay, I'm so sorry. No, no, no, it was good. We talked about it.

Now you all know what movie it's from. Here we go. To quote Rosa Moline as portrayed by Bette Davis, what a dump. No, I can't really comment on whether or not the actual physical location is a dump, but based on the service, or lack thereof, I received when trying to place an order via DoorDash, I'll never order from them again. This definitely wasn't DoorDash's fault. This is all on the deeply unpleasant Duncan employee I was forced to speak to on the phone to try to find out what was unavailable and what I could possibly substitute. try to find out what was unavailable and what I could possibly substitute. No, it's not even that they apparently didn't have some of the things I wanted, but that the clerk to whom I spoke was so

actively hostile and seemed to resent having to offer me any information or help me at all that rather than continue to interact with her, I simply cancelled the whole order. I should have heeded the low ratings the store already has, but I thought I'd give the benefit of the doubt. Yeah, they've earned their low rating if my experience is anything to go by. End of review. Wow. I love the defense of DoorDash. DoorDash is some small business. This is by no means DoorDash's fault. I also love that Wilhelmina felt it necessary to

quote rosa molina's portrayed by betty davis to start this off and then it just kind of had nothing to do with it again like imagine betty davis back in the 40s being like one day i'll be referenced in this dirty well it's okay this is gonna be This might be weird to say But I see a lot of people On the internet say Oh I quote Like

Beat you Sandy all the time And I say Blah blah blah And I'm like That is so weird to me That people take A ridiculous We are

That's the thing I know but like Maybe one At this level On Well A review that has One Cool On Yelp.

That would be the dream. The dream. To be fair, though, these are niche reviews. I don't want to be in the niche category. I want to be widely loved and distributed. Yeah, you want Fox, basically, to reference. Actually, no. Fox?

No, I didn't say. Oh, they meant Fox News. No, no, no, the reviewer. Oh, I see. It would be an honor, but at the same time terrifying. A terror. Yeah, a terror. No, I don't want that.

Yeah. I just mean I hope we're blockbuster level, not like Bertamolini or whatever. I thought you meant like the blockbuster video store. So this, our communication is not working. communication is not working okay uh but yeah basically this person quoted this old movie but then immediately said they don't even know what the physical location is like so it might not even be a dump yeah so it's not really even relevant because you're not exactly like they just it felt like what a dump it felt like they were just trying to find an excuse to yeah quote this probably just check that person's profile and see if they try to squeeze in

this reference. I mean, 26 total reviews, so maybe. It's possible. Alrighty, so now it's time to show you what I came across. So I have three more reviews here. It's time to shine. Time, well, we'll see. Don't get ahead of yourself. Okay. This first one is of Los Punk

in St. Louis, Missouri. Okay. Three stars. This is by Gina. This place is dark. And it reminds me of that movie Bordello of Blood, where the bar is a front for the whorehouse underneath. Not that there is one.

I don't think. Maybe. But probably not. There was some food in a crock pot that involved velveta but i did not sample it i am dying to try that sandwich everyone was talking about hopefully soon and a review oh my god i have no idea what's going on here yeah so i again see i thought you know some people might be like oh yeah of course that movie it's like a cult classic maybe horror films or something but no it was yeah it was it was one it was like the crypt keeper like series of um of films but this one had 15 000 reviews on imdb which i found to be fairly like that's quite it's not that much but um it's it's it's better known than In the Woods or whatever that thing.

Betty Davis. Yeah. It has Chris Sarandon, who was the voice of Jack Skellington. And who I am familiar with. Anyway, other than that, it seemed pretty obscure. I just feel like if you're in a loud bar... I don't even know if it's a bar. Exactly.

I still don't know what it is. But I feel like if you're in a loud bar what i don't even know if it's a bar exactly i still don't know what it is but i feel like if you're there and you're the person you came with it's like it reminds me of that one movie bordello blood and you're like what exactly there's a whorehouse yeah you know what are you saying to me oh my god it's like such a bizarre so bizarre like i think i think it's because they phrase it like, oh, it reminds me of that one movie. You know. You know the one. Yeah, the way they put it. It's insinuated that we all know.

Yeah. Like, I feel like if it were. That's what I get bonus points for. Yeah. I feel like if it were phrased as like, I once saw this weird movie called XYZ. Yes, that's very different. And it reminded me of that. Yes.

Okay, that's one thing. Yeah. But like, saying Bordello Blood and I'm supposed to nod along like eating my Velveeta and trying to mind my own business? I mean, I don't know if I want to be part of that. My next one is of a place called Sign of the Whale. It's in Tempe, Arizona. They have burgers and seafood. And this is a three star review.

This is written by Walter. And these are like old. So the one before this was over eight years ago. This is over 13 years ago. Oh, my goodness. So three stars. So to be fair, these are like vintage reviews of vintage movies. Yes.

See? Yeah. So it's even, but it has aged to become even more obscure, if you ask me. For example, this one. The place is pretty cool, but a little creepy. Reminds me of that movie Cabin Boy from 1994 with Chris Elliott. Man, that was a bad movie. Anyway, they serve the beers. You guys should watch it so you know what I'm referencing.

It's not a fucking good ad for it. Sorry. Oh my God. Oh, it's not a fucking good ad for it. Sorry. Oh, my God. Oh, it's not like this person's a producer and, like, wants people to watch, cares if people watch it. But it's sort of like, how am I supposed to know what you're talking about? And then you're like, it's a shitty movie. You remember.

I don't know. You know. I don't know. But, yeah, this one was even smaller. Like, this one, I was thinking Bordello of Blood when I saw that. I was like okay maybe people are like come on there was this like cult classic or a big you know a lot of people love that movie and then i cabin boy and i looked this one up no don't fucking argue with me about

this one being obscure this one if you look it up not you yeah no i know but i'm i'm agreeing because like let's talk about the poster, the movie poster. Yes, like, look at that. Holy shit, that's terrifying. It is something. I am familiar with Chris Elliott. I am familiar with some other people, actually, that are in this movie. Yeah, me too, but.

People, like, including Chris Elliott, people who are in Caddyshack. So, like, not that they weren't, you know. David Letterman's in there. Really? I didn't even notice that That's so bizarre Anyway so Storyline Oh Andy Richter too This is so random sorry you go

Storyline Snobby schoolboy goes left and mistakes The filthy whore for his millionaire Dad's yacht He joins four filthy fishermen for hijinks on the high seas. That sounds terrible. Anyway, yeah. Oh, did I finish the review?

Oh, my God. I don't think I did. No. Okay. This is originally intended as a vehicle for Tim Burton. Oh. Okay. That would have been interesting.

Where was he going in his vehicle? What does that mean? I think it means like this was a project intended for Tim Burton. Oh, I see, I see. I don't like the use of the word vehicle because I don't understand it and I don't like what I don't understand. The vehicle is on the filthy whore, so I feel like they should find a different choice of words. So true. So here's the rest of the review.

a different choice of words. So true. So here's the rest of the review. Anyway, they served the beers in stemmed goblets and there's a small dance floor. Didn't try the food, but it smelled okay. End of review. So, sorry, real quick. What reminded him of this movie?

Nothing. Oh. Well, something, but nothing clear. What did he say? This place is pretty cool, but a little creepy. Reminds me of that movie Cabin Boy. Oh. Well, something, but nothing clear. What did he say? This place is pretty cool, but a little creepy. Reminds me of that movie Cabin Boy. Okay. What?

Yeah. What? I don't know. How am I supposed to know what that means? I feel like the only way we would understand is if we watched Cabin Boy and then went to this restaurant. Or watched Cabin Boy at the restaurant. And he just said it's a terrible movie. So again, this really isn't doing much to help me out.

And you know what the worst part is? The location is closed. Like it's done. Oh no. So we can't even test it out. We'll never know. We will never know. That's too bad.

I've got one more. Great. We will never know. That's too bad. I've got one more. Great. This one is a review on TripAdvisor of Rodeo Houston or Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo. Oh, boy.

Yes. So the thing is, the unfortunate part was like, man, this is a, I hate this place. It is a five-star review. So it's a redemption of this place. This is by Francie. Wilhelmina again. Is she back? Frilhelmina.

Frilhelmina. Here's what Frilhelmina has to say. Five stars. Absolutely enormous. Second largest rodeo in the world after the Calgary Stampede. It is mind bogging. Mind bogging. It is mind bogging.lingly huge. Be prepared to walk a lot. In other words, you may not want to break in those new boots you just bought to attend in real life. The Livestock Show showcases

every farm animal you can imagine, and the FFA and the 4-H kids have such incredible pride in the work they put into their show animals. Book some time for the horse shows that happen during the day. The crowds are light and the horses are incredible. Be sure to come on an empty stomach. There are inventive delicacies in abundance barbecue funnel cakes fried everything you could imagine twinkies snickers ice cream even fried butter parentheses don't do it it reminds me of that song that the rat sings in charlotte's web every time christina i don't know did it say what it is? That's it. And then they say, what else? It is better to Uber in and out as parking is expensive and crazy far.

Barring that, there are local businesses that sell parking during the events and you can rickshaw over. Are there actual rickshaws? Sorry. This is such a weird thing. If you can, the barbecue cook-off that kicks off the event is totally worth attending. Be careful. It is really just a huge party and not for kids in the evenings. Think Texas Mardi Gras. Have a blast. This is pure Houston. End of review. They literally just throw in there, it reminds me of that song that the rat sings in Charlotte's

Web every time. I don't know what that means. I have seen Charlotte's Web many times. I don't remember the rat. Oh, my God. It's called a veritable smorgasbord. Oh, okay. So based on all the fried food and stuff. Which is hysterical. That is hilarious, yeah.

Like, oh, a rat's paradise scene where he just has tons of food. I mean, that, I do like, I do like. Yeah, got it. It's incredibly niche, especially. Yeah, I guess it fits. It's incredibly niche, especially. Yeah, I guess it fits. It's very fitting, though. But it's like the only one so far that I've felt was like perfectly descriptive.

Like, I understand. I mean, I had to Google it. Don't get me wrong. But then it makes sense after that. But I get it. I get it. And I'm going to go listen to this veritable smorgasbord. And I figured, wow, that movie might not be very, or the book might not be very obscure. The reference is

pretty niche. I feel like that's a very niche reference. I feel like if, again, and I always, I don't know why I picture it as like a crowded loud bar or something, but if someone's like, hey, it reminds me of that song from Charlotte's Web, you know the one the rat sings? I feel like everyone in the group would be like, remind me? You know? Am I

supposed to remember? Like, yes, I've seen that movie multiple times, be like, remind me? Am I supposed to remember? Yes, I've seen that movie multiple times, but I don't remember that. It's like how our sister, Francisca, she loves The Good Place. She's watched it a billion times through. I also love The Good Place. I've watched it, I think I'm on my sixth watch, and she scoffs at me when I say that. That's how many times she's watched the show. I don't know how many she's up to, but she's currently watching through it twice at one time.

Yeah, she's... Like, that's how... She's... I don't know how she does this. Anyway, she's obsessed, but she'll reference it. That and New Girl. Same thing, actually. New Girl is the other one.

Maybe that's what she's watching twice right now. And there's a lot... Those two, they're so... Of references. Because there's like 13 seasons. But she was like, oh, I just referenced New Girl to my co-worker and he looked at me like I was crazy. And I'm like, okay, Francisca, but what was the reference? And she tells me the reference and I'm like, Francisca, that is like the deepest of deep cuts. She had to explain multiple layers to it before it made sense. And also that show came out in 2008.

It's not like that current. Yeah, that makes sense. It's a good reference if I've watched it 3,000 times. Yeah, I feel like you have to really read the audience before you expect them to get the reference. I do respect her willingness to just throw out these references. She will say things to me and I'll go, huh? And she'll go, it's from The Good Place.

And I'm like, okay, but it's like three words. She's really good at making me feel stupid. That's not necessarily what she's trying to do. No, she's not trying to do it. Maybe she is to me. I wouldn't blame her like, I've watched it. That's not necessarily what she's trying to do. No, she's not trying to do it. She's just. Well, maybe she is to me. I wouldn't blame her. Probably. But she's just disappointed in me.

And I'm like, I've watched it six times and I cannot keep up with your references. No. She's just too, I don't know, spot on. And then she doesn't understand any of our references because. That's true too. She's above whatever we reference, which is fair. I would never say any of these references are bad references. They're just like, no one's going to understand it.

We make references to each other about either really dumb stuff or Kafka. Things that people, just because they were present in our childhood, but no other reason. But we don't expect other people to. Did we not say Kafka was our family? He was actually our nanny for a bit. He was present in our childhood. He's the one who made us watch fucking Charlotte's Web over and over again. Yeah, he loved that movie.

I don't know. I was just trying to think of a range of dumb shit we referenced. I understand what you're saying. That goes from like our fake Aladdin or fake Peter Pan CD-ROM all the way to, you know. So we're not judging. No. We understand that there's a place for these deep references. We just want to make fun of them.

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe a little bit. Alrighty, y'all. Thanks. We have, I feel like we need to be making more announcements about things, but it's been tough because we have been recording things in advance and being on top of things.

Yeah, what's that about? It's been great. It's been really good. And I'm very happy about it. But like, look at our, look at our pin. We got our clay volcano pin. Oh my God. And it came out probably a month before this episode airs.

Oops. I already forgot it came out. I have to go look. Oh, it's so fun. Go to bit.ly slash beach2sandymerch and you can, oh my God. Oh, and we put up tour posters from Chicago and from our Ohio tour. Okay. The pin that DFTBA designed.

Oh, thanks. It's so perfect. It's so good. It says, I'll have the clam volcano. It's so perfect. It's so good. It says, I'll have the clam volcano. It's so good. It's so funny. Guys, how funny. Anyway.

It's so good. And yeah, look out for our merch store. And I think you can sign up for alerts, potentially, through that. And just because we had a very good meeting with DFTBA about upcoming things. And so if you want to be on top of things and get notified when stuff comes out, sign up. Go sign up. Bit.ly slash Beach to Sandy merch. Phew. Okay. Good job. We nailed it.

And yeah. We only practiced it like six times and we still nailed it. I know, right? Good job. We did it. I'm so proud of us. Thanks, y'all. Bye. Bye. Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet is a Forever Dog production hosted and produced by Zandy and Christine Schieffer. It's edited by Brian Heveron-Smith, cover art by Courtney Aventura,

theme music by Mavis White, executive produced by Mariah Nicholas. Forever Dog Productions is Joe Cilio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Bolland.